1/13/98

[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

LIVING IN CAGES LINKED TO CANCER IN LABORATORY RATS
by Brett K. Carver

AP -- The federal government today released the findings of a four
year study that linked living in cages to increased potential of
developing cancer in laboratory rats.

The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983
when all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted
cancer.

Spokesperson John Smith explained:  "We were running a test on the
possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidence of
colon cancer.  The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force
fed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of
popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount.  The control group
consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from
all known carcinogens.  To our surprise, all twenty control rats
developed cancer within six months."

Mr.  Smith went on to say:  "We had always had some trouble with
control rats contracting cancer.  But as long as more of the rats in
the test group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel
pretty good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time."

Mr. Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results
being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer.  He
responded:  "Yeah, we had a scientist at the lab ask that once.  We
had to let him go though when we found out he was a member of the
Audubon Society; you know, conflict of interest.  He was a real
trouble maker, always asking questions like:  'Wouldn't eating that
much popcorn give anyone cancer?'  We just didn't need that kind of a
negative influence. The last thing you want in a research lab is
someone asking a lot of fool questions."

When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr.
Smith replied: "Why yes.  This could blow our whole gig.  I mean, if
it's been the cages all along, this could mean that things like
asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless!"

Mr. Smith continued: "This could change everything!  We may be forced
to recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. 
This says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who
contracted cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced
to spend extended periods inside the animal's cages."

When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr. Smith
responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there.
Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and
living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the
things we have determined to cause cancer?  In fact right now we're in
the middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung
cancer. You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to
prevent the control rats from breathing so as not to invalidate the
results by having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats."

When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied:
"Huh, what?  You talking to me?"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Donovan Harshbarger, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird 
List]

WHY TEACHERS DESERVE SYMPATHY

This is a true story from my high school days.

One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated
warnings, and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated.  After what
must have been the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his voice to
declare, "All right!  The next person who talks is going to be
severely castigated."

The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until a girl
in the front row asked the teacher, "Mr. T--, how are you going to do
that to a girl?"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

A famous movie star decided he would increase his considerable
fortune by raising thoroughbred horses. He bought a ranch in
Kentucky, bought several promising young horses, and hired
someexperts to raise them while he followed other pursuits. He
quickly found, however, that the money flow was only in one
direction, out of his pocket. 

He decided to make a surprise visit to his ranch, and found to his
horror, that he had been financing a gentle retirement home for lazy
race horses. Each horse gave clear evidence of living a wholly
sedentary life. The horses were grossly overweight. Moreover, they
were so unused to moving rapidly that many small birds had built
nests in their hair, and these birds were busy raising their young.

He was incensed and fired all his ranch hands. Next, he grabbed a
ladder and garden rake, and he started cleaning up his horses,
ripping the bird nests from off their backs. 

In his anger, he gave these now immortal instructions to his new
helpers. "BEAST IS BEAST, AND NEST IS NEST, AND NEVER THE MANE SHALL
TWEET!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Les Pourciau, via UGA Humor List]

Arnie came running into his partner's office, yelling "Al! Al! We're
ruined!" 

Al replied, "Calm down, Arnie; what's the matter?" 

"We just had a shipment of two hundred and ten dozen black brassieres
returned! What can we do? We'll lose money!" 

"Hey! Don't worry! We'll cut them in half, cut off the straps, and
we'll have four hundred and twenty dozen yarmulkes ready to ship!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the
Soviet Union.  The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be
given their rations.  After about an hour, a man comes out of the
store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't
enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave."  The Jews in the
line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces,
"Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for
everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will
have to leave."  More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and
announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't
enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of
the Party before 1956 has to leave."  More grumbling as all the
younger Party members leave.  A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by.  It's now getting dark and it's cold.  The same
man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell
you this, but there isn't any meat.  Go home."

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's
like I told you.  The Jews always get the best treatment!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List.  This doesn't appear 
to be a JOKE, but I found it amusing...]

LAVA LITES:  EASY TO BREAK, HARD TO CRACK
by Mark Frauenfelder

7:46pm  19.Mar.97.PST Originally used by space-age bachelors to
illuminate their swinging pads, Lava Lites have been a perennial
favorite of aficionados of kitsch culture.  But of the 2.5 million
Lava Lites sold since 1963, six have been assigned to a higher purpose
-- cryptography.

Landon Curt Noll, a cryptologist and number theorist with Silicon
Graphics, along with his colleagues Robert G. Mende Jr. and Sanjeev
Sisodiya, are using the liquid-filled lamps to help generate random
numbers, which are an important component of cryptography.  "It sounds
far out," says Noll, "but using Lava Lites [to obtain random numbers]
is based on sound fundamental math and physics."

No computer program can, on its own, generate truly random numbers. 
In fact, the computer pioneer John Von Neumann once said, "Anyone who
considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of
course, in a state of sin."

While computational methods cannot yield truly random sequences,
computers can use a variety of input devices that sense random
activities in the real world, and use these to create random -- or at
least cryptographically strong pseudorandom -- numbers.  For example,
a PC add-on card that generates random static from a "noisy" diode
will do the trick.

Another way to get a random seed is to measure the minute variation of
a hard drive's motor speed caused by air turbulence.  The popular
encryption program PGP measures the time interval in milliseconds
between a user's keystrokes to generate a "seed" number, which is then
input into a pseudorandom-number algorithm.

Noll and his colleagues have taken a different approach to obtaining
physical data.  They've set up six Elec-Trick model Lava Lites (red,
orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple) in front of an IndyCam
digital camera.  The manner in which the melting globs of wax in the
lamps rise and fall cannot be accurately predicted by any
computational method, making them excellent sources of random noise.

The IndyCam takes a digital snapshot of the six lamps; the digital
file is then run through a one-way hash-function (an algorithm that
returns a fixed-length string, destroying any "structure" that exists
in the digitized image) to produce an 800-bit seed, which is used as
the starting value for the Blum Blum Shub pseudorandom generator.

The idea of using Lava Lamps to generate random numbers came to Noll,
Mende, and Sisodiya during one of Silicon Graphics' regular Friday
afternoon beer blasts.  "I have a virtual basketball game set up at my
desk," say Mende.  "It uses an IndyCam and superimposes a basketball
court over the picture."  The edge-detection function of the game
allows players to wave objects, such as notebooks or business cards,
in front of the camera to guide a virtual basketball into the basket.

"I decided that the Lava Lite in my office could do a better job of
getting the ball in the hoop than I could, so we set it up in front of
the camera," said Noll.  He placed his Lava Lite in front of the
camera as well, so that the two lights "played" each other.

He noticed the score racking up as the blobs of lava knocked the ball
into the hoops and a light bulb went off in his head.  "This could be
a random number generator," he told Mende.  They called Sisodiya over
and had a working prototype in an hour, and an internal Web page an
hour after that.  They dubbed the system "Lavarand."

Shortly afterward, the three scientists applied for a patent, which
claims ownership for any process that uses one of more chaotic sources
plus zero or more nonchaotic sources, digitizes them, crypto-hashes
the digital file, then uses the file as a seed for a random-number
generator.

Lava Lites are just one specific application of the more general
patent.  "Using Lava Lites is unique and novel," says Noll, "but also
sound, resulting in strong cryptographic data.  To reverse the
process, you'd have to come up with the exact same picture of the Lava
lamps.  If even one pixel has a different shade you end up with a
completely different hash."

Using Lava Lites to generate random numbers may be new, but the lamps
are no strangers to secrets.  The creators of the first Lava Lite,
Lava-Simplex Internationale in Illinois, introduced the lamp in 1963,
describing it as an "exotic new decorator lite that soothes,
intrigues, fascinates, [and] entertains."  Part of the intrigue is the
mysterious "lava" that gloops around in the transparent watery liquid.
Lava-Simplex has closely guarded the exact composition of the two
liquids (which has led to endless speculation on Usenet) but will
admit that there are 14 different ingredients, the main two being wax
and water.

When the liquid is heated by the 40-watt bulb installed in the base of
the lamp, the "lava" becomes less dense than the surrounding fluid,
making it rise to the top.  There, it cools down and becomes more
dense than the clear liquid, causing it to fall to the bottom.  The
cycle repeats endlessly, until the lamp is switched off, or the
zoned-out viewer knocks it over, causing it to break open and spill
across the floor.  The subsequent futile attempts to scrub the glop
out of the shag carpet before Mom gets home may be the best random
action generator of all.

Noll says that the Lavarand system will be put to use immediately at
Silicon Graphics, and anticipates licensing the technology as well. 
"We already have been approached by interested parties," he says.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Edwards, via UGA Humor List]

My wife said we never talk anymore during halftime.

How would you know if there was a misspelled word in the dictionary?

I've seen the Ghost of Christmas Past and he's shaped like a credit
card.

Somebody please tell Jimmy Carter to stop housing the homeless,
overseeing elections, and bringing peace to the world. This
self-aggrandizing behavior is obscene.

Fear is that little darkroom in your head where negatives are
developed.

When I told my husband I wanted a divorced for Christmas, he looked at
me and said, "Well, I really hadn't planned on spending that much."

President Clinton has now got a good excuse to avoid turning over
important papers to the Republicans in Congress: "Well, Senator, the
dog ate those."

My wife talks through her nose. She has to because she wore out her
mouth.

When someone is hired by the Post Office, are they automatically
issued a firearm or do they have to buy their own?

I saw a policeman walk out of a doughnut shop and he had that glazed
look in his eye.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

STEWART STILL STRUGGLES IN STANDOFF

STONEYBROOK, CT (DWPI) -- On the third day of the tense standoff
outside of TV hostess Martha Stewart's bunker, the National Guard
still refuses to cross the Tulip beds that surround the Victorian
Estate.  A ransom note in a pleasing calligraphic handwriting and
baked into a 6 by 9 Cherries Jubilee was fired by some sort of
catapult device into the National Guard headquarters last night by the
Stewart camp.  National Guard leader, General Herman Mills, has
repeatedly called for a cease fire from the hourly pastry shelling his
troops have received from the compound.  "At this rate all of my
troops will be 300 pounds diabetics in a week!"  It is rumored that
the ransom note demands are:

1) Convection ovens for everyone in North America

2) Homemade napkin holders now required by law

3) Brad Pitt in a French maid's outfit delivered to the compound

Reported by Ambergris mOoOn
The Daily Probe, December 12, 1997 <daily@walrus.com>
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

This is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of
excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage
was very, very severe. It was so terrible that the troops
were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots
frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the
drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about
the situation? "WE ALL LIVE IN A JELLO-TUB, MARINE."

The base was quite far from "civilization" with the obvious
result that the troops were forced to entertain
themselves. One of the more popular pastimes was
cardplaying. A large number of groups met regularly to
indulge themselves. Bridge, poker, and gin rummy were
played, but the most popular game by far was hearts. It
happened that a few of the NCOs were not well liked by the
troops. One in particular was unanomously hated. As a
result, he was never invited to any of the card sessions.
When he complained to the CO, it was decided to put a stop
to the whole business with the following command: SGT.
PEPPER'S LONELY. HEARTS CLUB BANNED.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stephen McCabe, via UGA Humor List]

TIMETRAVELLER 1.02 JUST RELEASED!

Microsoft has just released its update to TimeTraveller 1.0, the
popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time
machines.

The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsoft now concedes,  was not
without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the
support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week
earlier to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father
from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in
the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back?" A
caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours
in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he
grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives. "

TimeTraveller 1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first
release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to
distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows '95.

But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received
criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of
TimeTraveller on history books. At Senate hearings on Microsoft's
domination of the timetravel market, a photograph was produced
showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s Munich, with what appears to be a
grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A Microsoft representative
countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based firm are
free to  time-travel  like anyone else with the software. "To suggest
this is some nefarious world-controlling thing on Bill's part is
crazy," the Micromouthpiece testified. "Besides, he couldn't work
with Goebbels."

In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with
TimeTraveller 1.02. Here they are, from the release notes:

*  CHECK THE TIME. When installing TimeTraveller, make sure your
computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result in
your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or
future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from Taxi.

*  WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Timetraveller uses Billzebubr, an occult
algorithm developed in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not
grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities when
installing Timetravleler. You'll be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper
if you do.

*  MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD. When working with large intervals of
time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at
your destination. It's important to memorize the PowerWord, your
registered incantation that will speed you back to the present. You
don't want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly yelling your
mother's maiden name with a velociraptor in hot pursuit.

*  DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS. A popular destination for many
Time travellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a
scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman
currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some
alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding "the strange
visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and
possessed of much loudness and stretchpants".

*  BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS. Remember that these devices
may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to
'say cheese' may result in a broadsword to the head.

*  CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging
up the can of Pepsi you brought back in time. Particularly if the can
became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.

*  DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if it's just to
travel back with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting remark a few
days before. Do not use TimeTraveller to cheat  death, taxes, or
Bill. Attempts to do any of the above  will result in the
termination of the TimeTraveller licence agreement. And Microsoft
will tell Satan to give you a hotffoot. So there. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

  Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
  Why's that?
  My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

  Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me
  something to keep it in?
  Certainly - how about a paper bag?

  Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
  Next, please!

  Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
  Pull yourself together!

  Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
  What's come over you?
  Two cars and a bus!

  Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
  Sit there and don't stir.

  Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
  Get back in the queue.

  Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
  I'll deal with you later.

  Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
  One at a time, please.

  Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
  Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
  I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.

  Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.
  When did it happen?
  When did what happen?

  Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What
  shall I do?
  Well, for a start, don't point him at me.

WHAT WILL YOU DO ONCE YOU'RE RELEASED?
    Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital,
  is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to
  reenter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of
  his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for
  dismissal.  Do you have any idea what you might do once you're
  released?"

    The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went
  to school for mechanical engineering.  That's still a good field,
  good money there.  But on the other hand, I thought I might write a
  book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be
  a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like
  that.  In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study
  art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

    Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
  possibilities."

    The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time,
  I can go on being a teapot."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List]

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and
his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that,
he is finished.                 - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a
divorce, I keep the house.      - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband.
Marry her before she finds one.
                                - Oscar Levant
(to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a
coin; they just can't face each other, but still they
stay together.                  -- Hemant Joshi

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live
with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

A well off southern woman living near an army base in the deep south
wanted to do something patriotic for the boys in uniform so she
decided to invite 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls. She
calls the base and asks to speak to the general in charge. 

Excitedly she gets right to the point, about inviting 5 officers to
a party to meet the local girls, but then adds "don't send any
Jews!", to which the General after a pause answers "OK". 

The next weekend with the party getting underway there's a knock on
the southern woman's door. When she opens the door there stands five
big BLACK Army officers. 

"There must be some mistake she mumbles." 

"No mam" answers the Black captain, "General Cohen never makes
mistakes !!!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Edwards, via UGA Humor List]

You know you are getting old when the little old lady you are helping
cross the street is your wife.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her that I
wanted her to lose 40 lbs and buy me fishing equipment and golf clubs.
Now she's left me and I don't understand why.

Sounds like that guy lost about 165 lbs, perhaps now he can buy
his fishing equipment and golf clubs.

If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, my brother-in-law is in no
danger.

The church member asked the preacher if a contribution of $10,000
would get him into heaven. The preacher said, "It's worth a try."

Do home schoolers get a class picture?

To the people who leave their buggies in the check-out line while
finishing their grocery shopping: It's me who puts the extra items in
there.

My son asked me if I had a rap name. I told him he could call me
"Cocoa Puff Daddy."

I just finished a book on levitation. I couldn't put it down!

A new study just released shows that "DEATH" is the number one
killer.

Why isn't there any mouse-flavored cat food?

Business owners who used the word X-mas are not PC. They should
have used $-mas instead.

Hey parents. Tell your kids to grow up to be meteorologists. It's the
only job where you can be wrong 90% of the time and not get fired.

Dilbert and Cathy should date. Dilbert has no mouth and is therefore
perfect for her.

It's not real love until you let your girlfriend use your toothbrush.

I hope your life is like a roll of toilet paper. Long and useful.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

THEY'RE TEACHING MATH AT GUNPOINT IN SCHOOL
by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, February 3, 1997

I used to drink gin and I used to take math classes.  Frankly, the gin
did me a lot more good.

That doesn't mean I think the public schools should require gin
drinking.  And I don't think they should require more math either.

Well, perhaps they should teach more math to some students -- but
maybe not to everybody.  Nonetheless, there is a movement afoot in
these several states to declare math and science so crucial in all our
lives that all children, regardless of interest, aptitude or need,
should be required to study a lot more math and science.

Cooking is also important in all of our lives, especially when you
consider the drawbacks to eating raw chickens.  But that doesn't mean
we are all cut out to become cooks.

Nor should we all study a lot of medicine just because doctors and
nurses are such a pleasure to have around if you happen to break a leg
or some other favorite organ.

And we shouldn't all study law just because, at any given time in
America, half the population is suing the other half, often over what
some doctor did to somebody's favorite organ.

Nonetheless, there is a movement in the state legislatures to require
all children to take more math -- throwing out required classes in
physical education and the humanities to make room for it.  Actually,
I understand some of the urges of the academic technocrats behind
these obsessions.  We all believe our own realm is so crucial to the
future of the republic that it should be crammed down the throats of
every child in America, ready or not.

That's why I'm against dictatorship, academic or otherwise.  I'm
afraid if I became dictator I would have every student in America
writing English essays every day for all 12 years they're in school. 
If I were dictator, I would have people shot for not loving English as
much as I do.

But in saner moments, I doubt that prejudice toward my own poison.  In
saner moments, I notice that the more formal schooling in writing that
English Ph.D.s have, the less of what they write I understand.

Scientists and mathematicians are currently in the saddle in American
education and mostly should be.  We have entered a technological
future.  But we all need to recognize, even as we spread the gospel of
our own professional passions, that there are indeed different strokes
for different folks.  We aren't all cut out for every field of study.

English is God's truth here on Earth.  But I'm not sure I want auto
mechanics -- or other scientists -- wasting too much time learning the
difference between an infinitive and a gerund.  I would rather have
them learning the difference between a broken carburetor and one that
works.

And you probably should cram some Shakespeare down my throat if I
think I want to be a writer when I grow up.  But let's not turn a
jolly guy like Bill Shakespeare into a god and assume nobody is
complete without wading through all that antique language.

Perhaps it is my ignorance on parade, but I have rarely wished I had
more than the rudimentary arithmetic -- and the pocket calculator --
with which I go through life.  I encounter 1,000 times as many
instances when I wish I knew more Spanish (or auto mechanics) than
instances when I wish I knew more math or Shakespeare.

Granted, we all need a taste of every subject, if for no other reason
than to decide what we want to be when we grow up, what we are cut out
for.  And we have to have some understanding of each other if we are
to work together in life without too much snarling.  But this recent
attempt to declare every one a scientist or a mathematician, rather
than merely declare everyone a beneficiary of those trades, indicates
a poor -- even an unscientific -- grasp of human potential and how
best to use it.

Math is like gin.  Some people dig it.  And in moderation, it lightens
life's load and does some people a lot of good.  But when excessively
served, it makes some people dull, robbing them of reason and
productivity.

I used to drink gin.  I'd like to tell you how much of it I drank over
the years but first I have to find my pocket calculator.

Meanwhile, mathematicians are sincerely joyful at the thought of
juggling numbers, though that remains a mystery to me.  As Shakespeare
said, "To business that we love we rise betime, and go to't with
delight."

Whatever that means.  Sometimes that guy really could be pretty murky.
+---------------------------------------------+
[Reported by Dave James
The Daily Probe, December 22, 1997 <daily@walrus.com> ]

EL NINO DECLARED A HOAX

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) -- After El Nino brought only moderate rain to
the West Coast, the National Weather Service was forced to admit that
the much-hyped El Nino was indeed a hoax.  The infamous "radar"
depictions of the swirling weather system were no more than infra-red
photographs of a flushing toilet uploaded onto satellites by a couple
of teenage pranksters.  In the interest of good taste, the NWS would
not describe how the teenagers simulated the Boktu Islands being spun
around and swallowed up by the ocean, but admit that "maybe someone
should have called Boktu before giving the islands Atlantis status."
The NWS confessed that they were surprised people actually listened to
their local weather person in the first place, saying, "I mean, look
at them for god's sake, they're rodeo clowns in suits."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Michael Cornelius, via UGA Humor List]

Snow White Remake

(Los Angeles) Today, Disney executives announced plans to remake the
classic animated film "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" with a more
modern theme. According to a spokesperson for Disney, "'Snow White' is
beginning to show her age. We want to make a picture that speaks to
today's audience. And what's with that voice, anyway?"

As the studio gears up for the intensive task of producing a
full-length animated feature, several treatments of the old fairy tale
are being considered:

"Snow White and the Seven Persyns of Alternate Stature."  An
open-minded persyn, who, despite hir name, is racially neutral, sets
forth on an adventure in a federally protected forest where sie
encounters Gay, Mentally Challenged, Differently Wakeful, Nasally
Sensitive, Testosterone Poisoned, Introverted, and Health Care
Professional.

"Prince White and the Seven Dwarfettes." A young and handsome prince
flees his evil stepmother, taking refuge in a small cottage in the
woods inhabited by Crampy, Trampy, Dizzy, Dingy, Bitchy, Frigid, and
Dyke.

"Snow White and the Seven Porno Vixens."  A XXX feature in which a
young, inexperienced princess is introduced to the ways of carnal
pleasure by Candi, Randi, Bambi, Bunni, Laci, Misti, and Dominique.

"We're not sure, yet, which avenue we want to pursue," another Disney
spokesperson told reporters at a press conference early Friday. "We'd
like to get as much mileage out of the Southern Baptist Convention as
we possibly can." It was then revealed that Ellen DeGeneres was being
considered to provide the voice for beleaguered princess.

When asked to comment, a spokesman for the Southern Baptist Convention
made strangling noises, while veins stood out on his neck.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from "A Joke A Day" Ministries]

More Deep Thoughts

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!"

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show
you a man who can't get his pants off!

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open. Just make sure
the strings are still attached.

I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan? 

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm
wonderful.

Indecision is the key to flexibility. 

Having an out of body experience. Back in five.

Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen
all at once.

If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it. 

Do unto others, then run.-- Benny Hill 

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. 

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. -- Carrie
Fisher

We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,
you're still a rat. Lily Tomlin

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. 

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is
serious.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the
Queen.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired.

My Reality Check bounced.

I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck,
and dodging deadlines.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: How many can you afford?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You are here: X

There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. -- 

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.  

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell
everything you know. 

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get
you. (from Bill Murray)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I
am?

I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority! 

Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take. 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
Whiz on your computer. 

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Nick's Humor List at <nickhumor-owner@Listservice.net> ]

Join the Club!
-------------

The Yoko Club?                  Oh no.

The German philosophy club?     I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?            Pardon me?

The Arafat club?                Yessir.

The Procrastinator's Club       Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders        They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Prayer Group                God willing!

The Alzheimer's club?           Forget it.

The anti-perspirant club?       Sure.

The pregancy club?              Conceivably.

The Agoraphobics Society        Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club          Can I bring a friend?

The Siskel&Ebert movie club?    Roger.

The Japanese theater club?      Noh.

The quarterback club?           I'll pass.

The Spanish optometrists club?  Si.

The Groucho Marx club?          You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?             Never. Never.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from SueS7, via UGA Humor List]

IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD...

 A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he
 is breathing.

 Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth
 control methods for men.

 Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

 Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered
 "Macho".

 Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would
 increase  by 40 pounds.

 PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

 Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

 Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

 "Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily
 clad male models.

 Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.

 Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours
 of bedtime.

 Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard
 for none of  the credit.

 Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".

 Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

 Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

 Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would
 be no pictures.

 Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're
 beautiful," "Of  course you don't look fat in that outfit," "Go to
 sleep-I'll take care of the  baby," etc.

 Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
 accomplishments.

 Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

 Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.

 All toilet seats would be nailed down.

 Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their
 careers.

 TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.

 All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

 During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would
 date 19  year old boys.

 Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention
 constantly.

 After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to
 wait on  their wives hand and foot.

 For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year
 old for six weeks.

 Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding
 wedding rings in their pockets.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had
told their two children not to wander away. However, a
couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions
could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting
skills. 

They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started
eating them. Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their
meal, the parents appeared in the distance. 

One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: "THAT IS THE END
OF THE GNUS. HERE AGAIN ARE THE HEAD LIONS." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Michael A Dimond, on Rehu]

ALWAYS USE SOAP AND WATER

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishoners who he knew
as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he
noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in
his life. 

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his
fingers over the grit and grime. 

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". 

He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food anyway and started
eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty
dishes. 

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked,
"Here Soap! Here Water!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Pentagon/3392/humor.html 
Note: these are only a selected FEW of them - the full list has 117 
items. If you really like this kind of thing, check out the URL!]

Suggestions for the ex-submariner that misses "the good old days on
the boat" 

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife
whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble
"Sorry, wrong rack". 

2. Repeat back everything anyone says to you. 

3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sun light. Only
view the world through the peep hole on your front door. 

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Shower once a
week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per shower. 

5. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the
other side of your bathtub. 

6. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel
and the motor running, but don't go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil
temperature gauges. Take logs on all gages and indicators every 30
minutes. 

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to
"High". 

8. Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only
at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a
different one. 

9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you
can find. 

10. (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower running in your
living room six hours a day for proper noise level. 

11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut. 

12. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters. 

14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them. 

15. Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in
your kitchen. 

16. Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add water to. 

17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold beans and weenies,
canned ravioli or soup). 

18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in
your food cabinets or refrigerator. 

19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can,
then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba
mask. 

20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then
put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over. 

21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6
hours before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups. 

23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a
dozen each morning. 

24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee
table and lie under it to read books. 

26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on
a lanyard around your neck. 

27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car. 

28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is
baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the
top. 

29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and
sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then,
yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea". 

30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go
and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular)
"Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once
again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone
cord and put them away. 

31. Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmission
and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car. 

32. Use kool aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.

33. Fill laundry tubs with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change
the washers on the water spigots. 

34. While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel
Fuel... savor the aroma of AMR2LL.

35. Install more commodes in your bathroom. Serve many greasy meals
and ensure the entire family goes to the bathroom together. 

36. Buy bunk beds (3 high type) and convert the narrowest hallway in
your home into a bedroom. 

37. Just for fun, rig 700 PSI air to the bottom of all toilets. Hold
a lottery to determine who gets to control the air valves. 

38. Knock a glass of water out of someone's hand and yell 'SPILL'.
Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how
worthless they are, then do it again. 

39. Give your wife more free time. All the ironing goes under the
mattress. 

40. Ask for 'permission to enter' whenever you go into the kitchen. 

41. At night, replace all lightbulbs in the livingroom with red
bulbs. 

42. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them. 

43. Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND
duck to go through them.

44. Rope off a small area of your living room, turn off the AC, put
on a suit made of garbage bags and mill around inside the roped off
area for an hour with a zip lock bag tied securely around your head.

45. Whenever someone enters a room you're cleaning, shout "up and
over" at them so they'll go through the attic to get to the kitchen.

46. Tell your kids to "go find me a can of relative bearing grease".

47. Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout "Postmaster
General - Arriving" so that everyone in the house can hear you. 

48. Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up
through the sunroof and give you directions on where to drive. Drive
through as many big puddles as possible. 

49. Have your kids stand at attention everytime you enter the room
and make them state quite loudly, "Attention on Deck"or "Make a
Hole". 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Edwards, via UGA Humor List]

The solution to our traffic problem is simple: Take all the unpaid for
cars off the roads.

My family is a riot. In fact, they put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

People used to ask my mother-in-law how old she was. She would say,
"Can you keep a secret?" and they'd say, "Oh, yes!" She replied, "I
can, too."

My ex-husband and I met in chemistry class, and now it's history.

When it's dry it burns, when it's wet is slides and other times it
shakes. California is not a good place to live.

If someone is ruthless, can it be said that they lack ruth?

There should be a better way to make a living than by working.

Every time I think I can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends, and
it's usually the IRS!

My life is like a Home Depot Store (a chain of super-large hardward
store). I have everything, I just can't find it.

Do these people who spend all day in a "chat room" not have jobs?!

You might be a redneck if the diploma on your wall is from D.U.I
school.

My father used to say to me as a child, "As you grow older, you'll
find more mature ways of being immature."

There's a hell of a lot of things they didn't tell me when I hired on
with this outfit.
+---------------------------------------------+
For more information about the "Heresy of the Month", read the e-zine
"Sackcloth And Ashes", located at:
        http://www.millcomm.com/~dfattig/main.html

Each issue [I think there are four of them] has a different Heresy of
the Month.

Here's an excerpt that was forwarded to Rehu:

Don't you hate it when someone you know comes up with some new thing
that you have never heard  about? You sit there in apparent ignorance
as they pontificate about the proofs and merits of some  idea so far
beyond common knowledge that it can only be revealed by people of
exceptional enlightenment such as they. Well now you have recourse!
You can baffle your friends. Impress the  opposite sex. It can be
easily accomplished by joining the Heresy of the Month Club!  

Imagine the deep sense of satisfaction you can feel the next time a
Jehovah's Witness knocks on your  door. When he says, "Have you heard
about Jehovah's kingdom?" 

You confidently reply, "Of course. But have you heard about the
Church of the Leaner Day Saints?"  

Invite him in and you become the one with the higher knowledge
benevolently leading him down the  path of truth. And you got it
here, before anyone else, at Heresy of the Month!  

This month's heresy, The Church of the Leaner Day Saints, finds its
origin in a rather creative interpretation of Matthew 7:13-14.  
"Enter ye in at the straight gate: For wide is the gate, and broad is
the way that leadeth to destruction,  and many there be which go in
thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which
leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." 

Yes, even Jesus himself, was known to be a thin person. How else
could you get through that narrow gate? Jesus criticized the obese
pharisees who were too fat to wear normal clothes.  "But all their
works they do to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries,
and enlarge the boarders of their garments." Matthew 23:5 

Consider the deep and profound symbolism of the dream of Pharaoh
recorded in Genesis 41:1-7. Pharaoh sees 7 fat cows followed by 7
lean cows. The lean ones eat the fat ones. Then he sees 7 fat ears of
grain followed by 7 lean ears of grain. The lean consumes the fat.
This is symbolic literature.  Both the animal world and the vegetable
world are included. This signifies the totality of God's 
condemnation of fat. The consuming doesn't mean that we are to eat
fat people. It rather refers to the  tendency we all have to consume
what we love. 

This very thing was pointed out by Sigmund Freud  and is
intrinsically tied up in our subconscious desires to still be breast
fed. Though we still love those  who have fallen into the error of
gluttony, we who are called of God to walk the narrow path must not 
fall into the same pit of obesity, for the fat are to be destroyed
and the lean will prevail. 

Is it any  wonder that Leviticus 4:31 says, "And he shall take away
all the fat thereof" The truth can more clearly be seen by critical
analysis of some texts such as Leviticus 1:12 If one accounts for the
obvious redactor's comment added between the words head and fat and
corrects for  the author's dyslexia then, "with his head and his fat"
becomes, "with his fat head" which the author then instructs the
reader to lay on the alter and cut to pieces.  

But how, you may ask, is one to achieve this gaunt and salvific
state? The answer can be found in  Philipians 2:12: "Wherefore, my
beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but
now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear
and trembling." So we are to work out. 

But what type of exercise is best for entering that narrow gate?
Certainly not weight training. Muscle bound meat heads could never
fit in. Look at Ezekiel 34:16. "I will destroy the fat and the
strong."  The scripture recommends running for that svelte look.
Hebrews 12:1 states that we should lay aside  every weight and run
with patience. 

Now you have the inside scoop. You are the enlightened one. Memorize
these verses and you can astound anyone who hasn't read the Bible
because they think it can't be understood. Be careful however not to
read whole books of the Bible as a unit. That type of knowledge can
be rightly  interpreted only by super spiritually enlightened people,
such as we here at Heresy of the Month. 

Disclaimer. Any similarities between the heresies found in Heresy of
the Month and ones that someone else made up are purely accidental
except for where it is intentional. We refuse liability for the final
resting place of the soul of anyone adhering to any of these beliefs;
so if you end up in hell you can't sue us (even though you would have
a lot of lawyers there with you who  would take the case on a
percentage.) Beliefs found in Heresy of the Month are not endorsed by
Sackcloth and Ashes.
+---------------------------------------------+
[three from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

UFO's are for real:  the Air Force doesn't exist.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
DID ALIENS WORK WITH THE NAZIS?

Tara Johnson <johnsota@ucs.orst.edu> writes

> Did aliens work with the nazis?

Actually, the aliens eat humans, it's all true.  And they especially
like to eat Germans as a starter (it's the smoked sausage diet).  So
when you ask them if they worked for the Nazis, they always reply "We
were just obeying hors d'oeuvres."

Sherilyn <Sherilyn@sidaway.demon.co.uk> [alt.alien.visitors]
Chris Hall <Chris@iifs.iisc.co.uk> [alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
E.T. FIGHTS BACK -- IN COURT

NEW YORK, NY (DWPI) -- In what is being hailed as a landmark case, two
extra-terrestrial beings are suing the Hollywood establishment for
misrepresentation and defamation of character.  The infamous law firm,
Shyster, Bakstabbe and Leach are handling the case.  Senior partner
Sidney Bakstabbe held a press conference today and told The Daily
Weekly that "These sensitive beings have been quiet for a long time,
but since films such as Mars Attacks and Independence Day they feel it
is time to put the record straight."  The two aliens claim that the
majority of non-human life forms are peaceful and are more at home
spreading glue onto paper and then sprinkling space dust over it to
make pretty pictures.  The case is due to start next week.

Reported by Matt Williams
The Daily Weekly, September 12, 1997 <daily@walrus.com>
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, 
had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the
goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and
beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was
staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was
trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall
over, so he went to steady them. THIS MARKED THE FIRST  TIME THAT A
WHIRLED CERES WAS HELD WITH A DOUBLE-HEADER.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from David Costa, Mark Feit, and Nev Dull; via Keith's Mostly Clean 
Humor & Weird List]

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF RETRO WARNS:  WE MAY BE RUNNING OUT OF PAST

WASHINGTON, DC -- At a press conference Monday, U.S. Retro Secretary
Anson Williams issued a strongly worded warning of an imminent
national retro crisis, cautioning that if current levels of U.S. retro
consumption are allowed to continue unchecked, we may run entirely out
of past by as soon as 2005.

According to Williams -- best known to most Americans as Potsie on the
popular, 50s-nostalgia-themed 1970s sitcom Happy Days before being
named head of the embattled Department of Retro by President Clinton
in 1992 -- the U.S. exponentially decreasing retro gap is in danger of
achieving parity with real-time historical events early in the next
century, creating what leading retro experts call a futurified
recursion loop, or retro-present warp, in the world of American
pop-cultural kitsch appreciation.

Such a warp, Williams said, was never a danger in the past due to the
longtime, standard two-decade-minimum retro waiting period.  However,
the mid-80s deregulation of retro under the Reagan Administration
eliminated that safeguard, he explained, leaving us to face the threat
of retro-ironic appreciation being applied to present or even future
events.

We are talking about a potentially devastating crisis situation in
which our society will express nostalgia for events which have yet to
occur, Williams told reporters.

The National Retro Clock currently stands at 1990, an alarming 74
percent closer to the present than 10 years ago, when it stood at
1969.

Nowhere is the impending retro crisis more apparent, Williams said,
than in the area of popular music.  To the true retrophile, disco
parties and the like were common 10 years ago.  Similarly,
retro-intelligentsia have long viewed New Wave and even late-80s
hair-metal retro as passe and no longer amusing as kitsch, Williams
said.  We now face the unique situation of 90s retro, as evidenced by
the current Janes Addiction reunion tour:  nostalgia for the decade in
which we live.

Before long, Williams warned, the National Retro Clock will hit 1992,
and we will witness a massive grunge-retro explosion, which will
overlap with the late-period, mainstream-pop remnants of the original
grunge movement itself.  For the first time in history, a phenomenon
and nostalgia for that particular phenomenon will actually meet.

In other words, to quote 90s-retro kitsch figure David Lynch, Williams
said, One of these days that gum you like is going to come back in
style.

Anthropologists hold that retro began some 40,000 years ago with the
early hominids mental projection of trace infantile-dependency
memories into a mythical golden age.  Continuing with the Renaissances
rediscovery of Greco-Roman homoeroticism and the mass Egyptology
fashions of the Victorian Age, retro had, prior to this century,
always been separated from the present age by a large buffer of
intermediate history.

Since 1900, however, the retro parabolic curve has soared
exponentially, with some generations experiencing several different
forms of retro within a single lifetime.

This rapidly shrinking gap between retro and the present day is like a
noose closing ever tighter around the neck of American kitsch, said
Harvard University professor of American culture Louis I. Szilard, or,
if you will, a warning light, similar to the electric buzzer-nose of
the naked fat man in the Milton Bradley fun and skill game Operation.

The Department of Retro warning comes on the heels of its 750-page
Report On Nostalgia Viability And Past-Depletion Reduction Strategies,
which examined the effects of the ever-increasing co-option of retro
trends by the mainstream.

According to the report, retro-kitsch aesthetics -- previously the
domain of a tiny group of forward-thinking, backward-looking
alterna-hipsters, or retro-cognoscenti--have become so prevalent in
the national pop-culture psyche over the last decade that they have
been absorbed into the marketing strategies of major retail chains and
mass-media promotional campaigns.  Cited as an example is
Entertainment Weekly Dance Hits Of The 70s free-with-subscription CD
giveaway, which boldly includes the slogan Retros Hottest Hits.

Such mainstreaming of retro, the report warned, has forced the
hipster-elite element that formerly dominated the retro world to seek
increasingly current forms of retro, a trend which threatens to
consume the nations past reserves faster than new past can be created.

The severity of the coming retro crisis, Williams said, is compounded
by the increasing complexity of modern retro, evidenced in current
youths skewed perceptions of older generations who themselves were
born and raised in a retro-aware environment.

In the 70s, baby boomers enjoyed an escape from turbulence and social
upheaval through a 50s-retro romanticization of the sock-hops and
drive-ins of their teenage years, Williams said.  Yet today,
70s-retro-conscious Gen Xers now look upon pop-cultural figures of
that 50s retro trend, such as myself and my close advisor, actor Donny
Most, as 70s retro figures in our own right, viewing us not as
idealized youth archetypes but rather as irony-tinged whimsical
representations of cheesy, square adulthood -- a form of
self-referential meta-retro that science still does not fully
understand.

It is hoped, Williams said, that such meta-retro recycling of older
forms of retro may function as a safety valve to widen the retro gap.

Department of Retro officials are closely studying new developments in
meta-retro, Williams said, including a dance sequence in the new film
Boogie Nights, which is simultaneously a 70s retro allusion to
Saturday Night Fever and a late-80s retro allusion to the Beastie Boys
seminal 70s retro video Hey Ladies -- an homage to an homage, if you
will. While all the facts are still not in, this much is clear:  Now,
more than ever, we must conserve our precious pop-cultural past, for
it is our future.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

Off the coast of Newfoundland, a great many fishermen do their fishing
at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more
sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails,
and shipwrecks are the result. 

The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day, and was
shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night
fishing. When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by
the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys near all the
dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. 

To their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month,
the shipwrecks had tripled! The buoys were removed, and things
returned to normal. 

The moral of the story... 

YOU CAN'T SEND A BUOY TO DO A MOON'S JOB!!!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Robert C. Woodman, via UGA Humor List]

Some Nuts Are Bad For Business

Mad scientists and the science-fiction horror stories often give us
reason to wonder as technology whirls forward at a dizzying pace.
Technology has created an opportunity for some to become obsessed
with numbers and analysis that can lead to equally science-fiction
results.

On the job at one time or another most of us have experienced a fear
ful fleeting thought about this.  Perhaps in a way that a proprietor
of a short order establishment at 118 State Street experienced.

When Cecil the accountant came into the restaurant for his morning
coffee he saw the new rack of peanuts by the cash register.  "Sam,"
he yelled at the proprietor , "Do you realize what that peanut rack
is costing you?"  Sam said, "It's not gonna cost.  The rack is only
25 bucks and I get ten cents a bag for the peanuts that only cost me
six cents.  I think I will sell about 50 bags a week to start.  In 12
weeks he rack is paid for and I make four cents a bag from then on."

Cecil shook his head sadly, "Wrong Sam, those peanuts are part of
your operation now and must carry a share of the overhead.  You know
Sam, the rent, heat, light, salaries for your waitress, cook  ."  Sam
broke in, "The cook?  What's he got to do with it?  He don't even
know I got peanuts."  Cecil began writing rapidly on a napkin.  "Sam,
just quickly, your peanut operation is going to have to pay $1,278 a
year toward general overhead costs.  Well, maybe a little more like
$1,313 when you consider window washing, soap for the washroom, etc."
 Sam held up his hand.  "The peanut salesman said all I got to do is
put 'em on the counter and every bag I sell is four cents more
profit.

Cecil sniffed with contempt.  "Sam, he is not an accountant.  Do
you know what that space on your counter is worth?"  "Hey, it ain't
worth nothin'," said Sam, "there's no stool there."  "Sam you have 60
square feet of counter and you gross $15,000 a year.  That space is
worth $250 per year."  Ya mean I gotta add $250 a year to the
peanuts?" "Right Sam, add that to your operating costs and that comes
to $1,563 per year or 60 cents per bag if you sell 50 bags of peanuts
per week. If you pay six cents per bag, that's 66 cents cost per bag. 
If you sell them for ten cents, you will be losing 56 cents on every
bag you sell." Okay Cecil, you're so smart, what do I do?"

"You have to cut operating expenses," said Cecil, "move where the rent
is lower, cut salaries, take the soap out of the washroom.  If you can
cut operating expenses by 50 percent you can cut your cost per bag to
36 cents.  In order to make four cents per bag, raise your price from
ten cents to 40 cents."  Sam said, "Forget it.  I'll just throw the
damn nuts out.  All I lose is 25 bucks for the lousy rack and three
bucks worth of peanuts."  Cecil shook his head.  "It's not that easy
Sam, you are in the peanut business.  If you throw them away you add
$1, 563 annual overhead to the rest of the operation   you can't
afford that."

Sam looked at the ceiling, "Last week I made money, now I'm in
trouble because I wanted to make a few extra bucks on peanuts." 
Cecil smiled, "That's right Sam, you can't avoid making these poor
decisions unless you consult with a sharp accountant like me first."

Cecil patted Sam's shoulder and assured him that survival in the
business world was not easy.  The modern science of market
management is very complex.

Ralph Wurster, Editor of Quality Magazine / February, 1984
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Brenda Daverin, on Rehu]

The British Special Forces in Ulster issued a proclamation that all
giraffes were to be shot on sight. That same day, a crowd of animals
of all sorts started gathering at the border, obviously intending to
enter the Republic.

The guard asked them, "What's wrong with all of you? Where are you
going?"

A badger responded, "The Special Forces announced they were going to
start shooting giraffes."

"You aren't a giraffe," consoled the guard. "None of you are." 

"We know that," replied the badger, "but try proving it."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Scott P. Herzig, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via
Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge.  When it
was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge
school that could present the best claim for the honor.  

Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education
in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge
leading into Cambridge named for the institution.  

MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of
defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Allan Hjer3pe, on Rehu]

One of the world's most revered and respected scientific journals is
the Anals of Improbable Research (a spin-off of the Journal of
Irreproducible Results). The AIR has recently publicized some highly
favorable comments concerning the discipline of Homeopathic Exercise.
I can personally endorse this practice and am a living tribute to the
wonders that can be achieved through strict adherence to a rigorous
program of Homeopathic Exercise. Everyone who has seen me would
agree that I am a magnificent physical specimen who, at the age of
68, could easily pass for 65. (At least, at a distance, and in a dim
light.) Even more impressive is the fact that, at my age, I can
bench press 475 lbs. Not all at once, of course. That's 475 lbs. over
the course of several days.

Here at the Sevierville Barber College and School of Medicine we
have been occupied with an equally revolutionary field _ Homeopathic
Anesthesia. When the average person undergoes surgery he is
blissfully unaware of the problems and dangers involved in
conventional anesthesia. Just a few of these problems:

 - Expense.
 - The need for highly-trained personnel. (To become a qualified
 anesthesiologist requires hours and hours of intense study.)
 - Many anesthetic gasses are highly explosive.
 - Some patients over-react to and may even die from exposure to
 conventional anesthetics. 
 - If the patient has had a few drinks to steady his nerves prior to 
surgery, the effects of the anesthetic can be multiplied, with 
catastrophic results. 
 - When coming "out from under" conventional anesthetic, the patient 
often feels icky, to use a technical term.

Virtually ALL of these problems are eliminated by use of Homeopathic
Anesthesia. HMOs are delighted with the process. Indeed, the ONLY
problem thus far encountered with Homeopathic Anesthesia is that it
does not do an outstanding job of reducing pain. Considering the
many problems either greatly reduced or entirely eliminated by use of
Homeopathic Anesthesia, it seems feckless to carp over its one
drawback. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from F.I. Goldhaber, via UGA Humor List]

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BOSTON

Status:  The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north
of the center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with
South Boston, which lies directly east from the South End.  North of
the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North
End. Backbay was filled in years ago.

Basic Rules for Driving in Boston:  (Subject to change at any time)

1. Boston is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in
which to drive.  Who would argue?  Herewith, for newcomers and
visitors, are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these
parts:

2. To obtain a general idea of how to drive in Boston, go to a Celtics
game and carefully watch the fast break.  Then get behind the wheel of
your car and practice it.

3. Never take a green light at face value.  Always look right and left
before proceeding.  When in doubt, accelerate.

4. Very generally speaking, the intransigence of the Boston driver is
directly proportional to the expense of his American-made car, and
inversely proportional to the expense of his foreign-made car.  But in
applying this formula, bear in mind that they are all more or less
intransigent.

5. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow traffic to
pass coming the other direction.

6. Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers may
brake for animals, but they may not brake for you.  Watch it.

7. Teenage drivers believe they are immortal.  Don't yield to the
temptation to teach them otherwise.

8. Taxicabs should always be given the right of way, unless you are
bent on suicide.

9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under
the wheels of your car.  Most multicar pileups are caused this way.

10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you
see.  Grab it.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly.  Boston is the home of slalom driving,
thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.

13. Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is
available.

14. Always look both ways when running a red light.

15. While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking
space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot
parking space.  Sad but true.  Don't even think of finding a 20 ft
space.

16. There is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in
Boston.

17. Rush 'Hour' generally only lasts from 7am until 8pm.

18. It is traditional in Boston to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.  Color doesn't matter.

19. Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions.
They are put there to confuse people who don't know their way around
the city.  And to confuse those who do but are detoured by the Big
Dig.

20. Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes.  Breakdown
lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during
rush hour.

21. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams
as people merge back in.

22. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and
distract other Boston drivers, who are not used to them.

23. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals.  Boston drivers,
unused to such courtesies, will think you are waving them on to pass
you.

24. The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the Boston
area, a signal to slow down.  It is a warning to speed up and get
through the intersection before the light turns red.  As a result,
yellow lights only light for a quarter of a second.

25. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

26. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.  Sidewalks
are optional.

27. In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of
surprise.  That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun other
drivers.  Crossing entire 4-lane roads in one block always gains the
respect and salutes.

28. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel
guilty.

29. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure
inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.

30. Remember that the goal of every Boston driver is to get there
first, by whatever means necessary.

31. Above all, keep moving.

And good luck.  You'll need it.
+---------------------------------------------+
[another one from "Sackcloth and Ashes", at 
http://www.millcomm.com/~dfattig/main.html ]

The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy

In last month's heresy we looked at a plethora of verses from the
Bible which could be used to confuse and amaze our friends. All of
that verse quoting can however be quite tiring. It is also unnecessary
once you learn the trick of personal divine revelation. In personal
divine revelation you simply believe that you got it straight from
God, or a god or Divine Mother or whatever. ( Just don't claim you got
it from your neighbor's dog; Berkowitz already used that one.) This
technique is not too far removed from the guy who thinks himself an
orange except that it is too complicated and anile retentive to be
schizophrenic. Dogma generation via personal divine revelation can be
seen in this month's heresy, The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.

The movement's start can be traced to 1963 when a young woman named
Fatima Flatulente had a vision of an angelic being who explained to
her the complicated interrelatedness of life the universe and
everything. He also instructed her to leave Spain and move to southern
California where she would find people more receptive to her
revelation. 

Taking upon herself a vow of poverty she settled on a beach near Big
Sur where she lived the life of a surf bum and learned that the
interrelatedness of all things was based upon vibrations,
specifically, good vibrations. It was at this point that she changed
her name to Fatima Flatulent Profit. 

The interrelatedness of all things is organized according to the
primary vibrations ( in hertz ) of the seven arch angels and other
sacred objects of the same frequency. By meditating at the correct
frequency while aligning your zodiac sign with the mantra of the
corresponding angel on the appropriate day of the week while holding
a crayon who's color compliments the aura of one of the descended
masters of the seven sacred symbols while within the light of brother
sun and breathing the air of mother earth and eating a twinkie one
can receive the assurance of the higher knowledge. 

This higher knowledge is encapsulated in the simple yet profound
meditation; 

"I'm good enough and I'm smart enough and, 
doggonit people like me!"

This simple statement is the beginning of true enlightenment. It then
moves to; 

"I'm better than most, I'm smarter than most, and you had better
realize it!" 

The final stage is realized when one can say with a straight face;

"I am god; worship me." 

It would be difficult to come up with a workable defence of such a
belief system if not for the higher knowledge ploy. It assumes the
believer has possession of information of such magnitude that his
mere condescension to share it with you is an act of such grace that
to beg proof is nothing less than sacrilege. One need only memorize a
few lines to have an impenetrable defence of the faith. 

1. "If you believe first then enlightenment will come." 
2. "Of course you can't see it. Higher knowledge can only be 
perceived from within by those who possess spiritual insight." 
3. (And most important of all.) "Well if you don't know, I'm not 
going to tell you!" 

Now you have it. Be the first one on your block to have the smug
self assurance that your self esteem is unsurpassed. Give your ego
every excuse to swell beyond your wildest dreams while you proclaim
the emergence of The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy. 

Disclaimer

Any similarities between the heresies found in Heresy of the Month
and ones that someone else made up are purely accidental except for
where it is intentional. We refuse liability for the final resting
place of the soul of anyone adhering to any of these beliefs; so if
you end up in hell you can't sue us (even though you would have a lot
of lawyers there with you who would take the case on a percentage.)
Beliefs found in Heresy of the Month are not endorsed by Sackcloth
and Ashes. These heresies are manufactured by professionals. Please
kids, don't try this at home. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in
Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.  She says,
"I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab
to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll
send a limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at
the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit
in the middle...it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!  I'm the President of the United States! I'll send
Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll to 
carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's 
really too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for
you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a 
hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like
the rooms..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the
White House!"

She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:

Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Betty: "The doctor?"

Sylvia: "No ... the other one." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

 These days it's quite common for messages on social-oriented bulletin
 boards to end with signoffs like "Hi and hugs to everybody."  In
 fact, this has become so popular that as much as 7.5% of the disk
 space on some BBS's is currently devoted to this particular comment. 
 The International Committee for Relatively Pointless Abbreviations
 and Badly Misspelled Acronyms (SPUDS) has just released a new,
 internationally approved list of abbreviated signoffs.  These
 include:

 ooo              hugs
 xxx              kisses
 OOO              big hugs
 XXX              big kisses
 oo               hugs for everybody but you
 OO!              big, excited hugs
 CCC              hugs for people you can't quite reach around
 OOQ              hugging with tongue
 xx@              kisses and earlobe nibbling
 zzz              snoring
 yyy              anything that occurs between kissing and snoring
 H                handshake 
 kkk              alternate form of "handshakes for all"
 KKK              white robes for all
 AAA              talk-show not-really kissing
 [X]              kissing in the closet
 XYZZY            a kiss that moves you
 MMM              same as WWW, but from inversion boots
 LLL              armwrestles for all
 OOO~~~           big hugs and large caterpillars for all
 )))              smiles for all
 TTT              trees for all 
 jjj              gooses for all
 JJJ              big gooses for all 
 OOOXXXYYYZZZ     this is illegal before marriage in nine states 
 OOOXXXyZZZZZ     still illegal, but generally not nearly as well    
                  received

 Remember, there is much more work to be done to codify and abbreviate
 excessively clear and understandable sign-off messages and replace
 them with efficient and incomprehensible international symbols. 
 Please contribute money, suggestions, and chocolate to this worthy
 cause, and help make conversation boards a better place for
 assembly-language programmers.

 Thank you,

 Trygve Lode,

 General Secretary (SPUDS)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

That modern icon, Forrest Gump, was intellectually challenged, but
nevertheless worked very hard to maximize his potential, such as it
was. The protagonist of this story, Rosemary, was very similar to
Forrest in many respects. She worked very hard, she studied hard,
and she greatly hated being less smart than the other children.
Generally, this made her work even harder, but at times she became
discouraged. One day she asked her favorite teacher if she really
would someday become smarter if she continued to work very hard. The
encouragement came, "YOU WILL BE PARTIALLY SAGE, ROSEMARY, IN TIME."

One thing you can say about ancient Egyptian society is that both
genders were equally prized. In fact, one of the most famous
pharaohs had many wives, most of whom bore him female children.
Eventually, as was frequently the case with such polygamous
societies, he had dozens of girls running all around the place.
Pharaoh loved them each and every one, and he filled one of the small
Egyptian valleys with beautiful marble statues honoring these
children. Unfortunately, our modern times are ignorant about the
images of these young women, because an untimely earthquake shook the
valley and broke all the statues into fragments. Pharaoh was greatly
saddened. His Valley of Joy had become a continuous affront to his
eyes, and he wanted to fill it in. This was a task even beyond the
powers of a pharaoh, however. Pharaoh's advisors immediately sent for
Howard the Duck. Howard was weird looking, loud, and might be
characterized as generally disrespectful. Pharaoh was not amused.
"How are you, a particularly worthless and foul example of a duck
going to fill in this Valley of Disaster?" he shouted. Howard
reassured the king, saying, "My feathers grow very quickly, and they
are as hard as rock. LIKE A RIDGE OVER RUBBLED DAUGHTERS, I WILL LAY
MY DOWN." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Melissa G Brockman]

After coach Shanahan dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him
on tour.  He shows Mr. Shanahan a little two-room house with a faded
Denver Broncos banner hanging from the front porch.  "This is your
house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here,"  God
says.

Coach Shanahan looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the
one sitting on top of the hill.  It's a huge three- story mansion
with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. 
Green Bay flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Packers
banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God.  But let me ask you a question. I get
this little two-room house with a faded banner and Mike Holmgren gets
a huge mansion with Packers banners and flags flying all over the
place.  Why is that?"

God looks at Shanahan seriously for a moment.  "That's not
Holmgren's house,"  God says.  "That's my house." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. 

"Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort
of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that  we can
get." 

"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is 
the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their
new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men
went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits.
Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both
walked off. 

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other. 

"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something
in Latin and left." 

"What did he say?" 

"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

I came down with laryngitis last week, and one day while I was petting
a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you
today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."

As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger
asked her "Paper or plastic?" "Doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm
bisackual."

I took my 4 year old son to see the latest Disney movie. Before the
main feature was a Donald Duck cartoon. My son got up and asked to be
excused and I asked him why. He told me Donald Duck always gives him
Disneyspells.

An ace British aviator was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Afterwards,
every time he flew over Buckingham Palace he would did his wings in
salute. The Queen was asked, "Who is that?" She replied, "That's the
fly-by knight!"

A one-L lama is a Tibetan Priest.
A two-L llama is a South American beast of burden.
A three-L lllama is a helluva fire.

Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were a comedy team before they separated
to have separate careers. It was Dean who finally had enough and quit
telling Jerry, "I'm tired of being  the guy from the wrong side of the
cracks."

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to
have her husband paged."Sorry, Madum," came the reply, "The house does
not make doctor calls"

Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag
that she had made. It was the first flag poll.

Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine
which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was known as Jack
the Wrapper and he made a bundle.

Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.

When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for
granite.

Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll
how you a man who is forging a head.

William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales,
which proves that where there's a Will, there is a weigh.

Every successful Department Store knows that elevators have their ups
and downs,  but escalators are a step in the right direction.

In Kentucky, they have equine motels to provide horses with a stabile
environment.

The inventor of artificial snow originally called his product Snow
Fakes.

The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms. The
Baker's Union, however, wanted more dough.

When the first calendar was produced in 1640, everyone knew its days
were numbered.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles
with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps
them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see
your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to
fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer,"
replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at
the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the
river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no
law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want."
And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said
to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this
river?!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Timothy Clarke and John Ward, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & 
Weird List]

Recent studies in bread culture have revealed an alarming increase in
bread suicide rates.  Bread is simply no longer feeling the strong
need to exist.  Rather it is feeling the pinch of the variety of the
90's. Bread is isolated, alone; another carbohydrate source in a world
of potatoes, pasta and protein enriched, carbohydrate deficient diets.
Barry is four hours old, not old for bread by any standards, yet Barry
has found himself in a bread rehabilitation center.  This is his
story.

"I feel okay to talk about it now.  I'm stronger, I can face it." 
Barry is determined but the obvious stress this recall is taking on
him is evident in his shaking crusts.  "I remember, I'd been alive
for, I don't know, maybe an hour, hour and a half.  Well, I was
beginning to lose some of my freshness you know.  No one seemed to
want me.  You have to understand, there was nothing wrong with me, I
know that now, but I thought I must be the ugliest piece of bread
around.  Next thing I thought, well, what's the point of it all.

Then this guy Ben, he came up with this idea of playing chicken with
the toaster.  I thought, why not, what have I got to lose.  It was a
thrill, getting closer and closer but then it happened....... I'm
sorry.... I can't... sorry."  Tears flow as Barry remembers the time
that Ben came too close.  "When that happened to Ben, I thought, I
need help, that's when I came here."

Barry was one of the lucky ones.  Ben and many others like him have
not been so lucky.  The question that must be asked is why is this
happening to our younger slices of bread.  Why are they giving up? 
Dr. Joe Lee, Bread Physiologist and Psychologist says the answer lies
somewhere in bread history.

Traditionally bread society has revolved around the loaf unit.  All
were one.  However, around the sixties some of the more revolutionary
loaves started experimenting with free slicing.  Nicknamed the "flour
children" these loaves were the forerunners of what has today become
the New Bread Order.

Although slicing was originally seen as a passing fad and held up by
the most conservative loaves as immoral it soon caught on.  This
remarkable slice phenomenon has been a direct influence on the bread
suicide rate.

Slicing created a distinctive bread class system.  Bread ends became a
despised minority as did those slices at the front of the loaf.  Loaf
as we had known it became highly fragmented.  No longer could the
support system of the extended loaf be counted on.  Slices were on
their own. When bread was not bought, it was these slices that were
ostracized as losing the freshness.  They became depressed, flat and
often resorted to mold dependency or worse.

Dr. Joe Lee says the answer is not less slicing, rather it is a change
in attitude towards crusts and forward slices.  "Please, please don't
reach past them.  They'll go for the toaster, they just don't care
anymore.  Even if you do not like bread ends still treat them fairly
in front of the rest of the loaf.  I've had to talk so many bread ends
out of jumping into full sinks of water because of the pressure placed
on them by an unjust bread world.  Be considerate, be caring, be fair.
That's the answer."

For more bread information contact Bread Digest:  A better loaf for us
all.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

  YOU MIGHT BE A HOTWHEELS COLLECTOR IF:

Your wife/girlfriend/mom sends you to the grocery store with two
bucks to buy bread for dinner, and you come home with a HW Bread
Truck and an Oscar Wienermobile.

You have more invested in your collection than you do in your real
car.

You refer to your car as a 1:1 scale model

You have ever tried to find a HW Model of your real car

You have ever argued about calling the new wheel Saw Blades or
Tri-Blades

You see a new wheel and buy as many different models with that wheel
as you can find.

The local Toy's "R" Us runs out of HW stock, and they call you for a
shipment.

You own more than one color of a model just because it has a
different wheel

You look in Rec.Toys.Cars more than three times a day

Your teenage son says that he saw a new car today, and you ask,
"Target or Wal-Mart?"

No matter HOW much you are in a hurry, you absolutely, positively,
without question CANNOT pass a Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, etc. without
stopping to go in and check the pegs!

And if somehow you DO manage to pass by that Wal-Mart, KMart, Target,
etc., you feel terrible...like you're "missing" something ...for
example, the Treasure Hunt car that you imagine is sitting there,
hanging on a peg and waiting for nobody but YOU!

You ever donated plasma to get a HW car

You have a weekly budget including HW cars

You get up at 6 in the morning on weekends just to be the first to
the flea market so no one takes that car you might want.

Your heart rate goes up just thinking about spotting the rare Yellow
Pipe Jammer on the pegs !!

Your son asks if it's OK to take HIS cars out of the BP's !!!

all your relatives just received a free years supply of Coronet
Towels.

every time you pass an Chevy dealer, #505 flashes before your eyes. 

you had your driveway painted orange with a checkered mailbox. 

Looking at a hotwheels magazine turns you on more than looking at
Hustler!

You drive down the street and look at a 1:1 automobile and say:
"Damn, that'd make a BEAUTIFUL Hot Wheel!"

You turn in your recycled pop cans for money to buy cars...

You see a Mazda 626 drive by and think: "hmmm.... ultra hots!"

You look at real cars on the highway and pick out ones that there  
are HW versions of.

You look at real cars' wheels and start identifying 3 spokes, 5
spokes, etc.

You refer to real cars as "real cars".

You look for excuses to go to the store.

When you go on vacation, you stop at every TRU, Wal-mart, K-mart, and
Target along the way.

You reference places by what toy or department store they're near. 

You have dreams of walking into TRU and finding vast isles of HWs with
all new cars :)

You make up lists like these from your own experiences ;)

You're going out of town on a business trip or vacation, and you
research in advance where all the Wal-Mart, Target, Toys-R-Us, and
other stores are located, then plan your meetings to allow you time
to hit them all!

and if the meeting runs long and you start getting anxious, and lose
track of what's going on, because you know you won't have time to
make them all before you have to be at the airport.

While having never eaten Malt-O-Meal, you have six unopened boxes in 
your cupboard.

You had actually developed a taste for Fruity Pebbles and long for
the days of free Flintmobiles to return.

You get up in the morning, have your Malt-O-Meal, go to work, lunch
at McDonalds go home, eat Kraft dinner for supper and before bed, and
brush your teeth with Aquafresh

You've ever bought a car somewhere, paying $2 or more, and then later
finding that SAME car on the pegs.

If you've ever told people to WAIT, they will come!

You've ever traded thru the snail mail and don't mind paying twice
what the car is worth to ship.

You have $15-30 Dollars in HW and $60-90 in paint.

When someone is looking for a wheel variation, you say you have one,
only to realize later that YOU made that one.

You get up in the morning read the Newsgroup, get your coffee, and
head to the shop; the custom shop you have in the garage.

You have more variations of a 65 Mustang Convertible than HW ever  
imagined.

Your grass in the backyard is dying, but looks cool as Sapphire Blue.

At least 1/2 of your collection are homemade. 

If you've ever made a MB 95 Mustang look the same as the MBP 95
Mustang only missing the Rims.

You've ever bought two cars just to get the rims off of one, and the
body off another.

You've ever gone thru your old box of cars and brought a lot of them
back to life.

You've ever made a TJ and it looks better than your 1:1 car.

You've figured out how to tap the rivet and put a jewel screw in the
hole.

Your workbench in the garage has more HW on it than tools.

Your workbench in the garage has it's own pegs, and they are all
stocked.

You've ever looked at a HW and said it would be awesome in another
color, then bought it and the paint to go with it.

When someone brags about buying HW for $.67 and you know you can't
cause paint cost $2.50 a can.

You've got enuff rivet shavings on the garage floor to press into
another HW.

You've ever found a dealer that will sell your cars.

You go to Flea Markets/Yard Sales/Junk Dealers to buy red lines that
are in BAD shape.

The coffee mug you drink from has as much paint on it as the garage
floor.

The ashtray in the garage is full, your collection shelf is full,  
and your wallet is empty.

You have ever gotten home from work to find 5 priority mail packages
sitting on your front porch.

You have ever thought about driving 2 hours to go to another city  
(or area) just to look for cars.

You make lists of Hot Wheels in the blank spaces on the church
bulletin during the sermon.

You've ever opened a Target or TRU charge account and only use it for
HW's

You've ever run out of postage to mail your bills, but you get those
trade boxes mailed on time

You lie at the checkout counter and say "they're for my grandkids" 

You stash your current finds under the bed so your husband won't find
them and freak

You go to a HW show and only take a certain amount of cash so you  
won't go overboard

You study the new Tomart's more than you've ever studied a schoolbook

You have a room dedicated to Hot Wheels 

You convince your husband to build new shelves in the guest room to
display your Hot Wheels

You've ever had to purchase another suitcase on vacation to bring  
all your finds home

You map out the best/fastest route from 1 dept. store to the next  

You go to the grocery store to buy groceries and end up spending   
more on your Hot Wheels.

You have a closet in your house dedicated to Hot Wheels only. 
+---------------------------------------------+
