1/24/98

[from Laugh-A-Lot!, via WIT, WHIMSEY, AND WONDER]

IBM Buys Episcopal Church
For Immediate Release

The Chairman of IBM announced today that, in response to Microsoft
Corp.'s acquisition of the Roman Catholic Church, IBM has bid for
and acquired the Protestant Episcopal Church in the United States of
America for $1 billion.

"We are the oldest and most prestigious computer company in the
world," he said, "and we cannot be seen to be lagging behind in the
race for preeminence in the religious software and hardware markets.
We have tendered an offer to the Most.  Rev.  Edmund Browning,
Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church and Pamela Chinnis,
President of the House of Deputies of General Convention, and they
have recommended acceptance to the shareholders/communicants."

The Episcopal Church is one of the oldest and most respected
denominations in the United States.  Many current and former
officeholders, including many Presidents, have been communicants.
Although its membership was declining in recent years, the latest
figures show a slight increase in membership.  A combination with
IBM will probably be beneficial in terms of putting "fannies in the
seats" in Episcopal Churches across the United States.

There will also be great benefits to IBM in terms of international
connections through the Episcopal Church.  The Church is one of the
most senior members of the international Anglican communion by way of
its separation from the Church of England after the Revolutionary War
and the consecration in 1784 of its first Bishop, Samuel Seabury. IBM
hopes to gain a foothold in the international religious business
through these connections, and perhaps tender a bid for the entire
Anglican Communion by the time of the next meeting of the world
Anglican bishops in London in 1998 (Lambeth Conference).  The
Archbishop of Canterbury, The Most Reverend George Carey, could not
be reached for comment.

IBM and Episcopal Church are "good fit."

IBM has had the distinction of being the first and, up until several
years ago, the most successful computer company in the world.  It
was founded by Herman Hollerith, the inventor of the computer card,
in the late 1800, and concentrated on business machines such as
adding machines and typewriters until the invention of the computer
in the 1940.  They invested heavily in this new technology, and
became rich from selling and maintaining them in the 1950's through
1980's.

However, IBM's stodgy corporate culture prevented it from taking
advantage of newer technology.  It almost entirely missed the value
of personal computer technology in the late 1970's, allowing other
companies to use processes it developed to make so-called "clone"
personal computers.  It therefore lost out on the billions of
dollars spent on this technology over the past 15 years.

IBM has recently spun off its typewriter and printer businesses and
concentrated on PC building and software, and has even resorted to
layoffs for the first time in its history.  The slogan, "No one was
ever fired for buying IBM" has become a bitter joke in the business
world.

The Episcopal Church was, for a long time, considered the most
successful of the Protestant Churches in terms of wealth and power.
Many of the rich and famous swelled its numbers, and its liturgy was
noted for its archaic beauty as much as its treasury was noted for
its gilt-edged bonds.

However, in recent years, with the dying-off of the elderly rich and
the fall in the birth rate among the bluebloods who remained, the
Episcopal Church has suffered both a decline in numbers and in
influence and wealth.  Notwithstanding the slogan, "The Episcopal
Church Welcomes You," numbers have only recently begun to increase
again as the Church begins to be seen as a place where outcasts can
take part in its life.

Along with IBM, the Episcopal Church has had to resort to layoffs to
balance its budget, and the merger will allow both organizations to
trim even further their personnel costs.  IBM's chairman said today,
"We have been known as the place where the white-coated mystics take
charge of computers in sealed rooms.  As a direct result of this
merger, our white-coated mystic roster will be cut by half and
merged with the ordained ministry of the Episcopal Church.  After
all, they also wear white garments when celebrating their mysteries. 
The similarities outweigh the differences, and we think that we can
bring their white-suited mystics up to speed in JCL and C++ within a
few months."

The Presiding Bishop and Ms.  Chinnis issued a joint statement
saying: "We welcome this merger as a meshing of two great but
sometimes old-fashioned institutions.  The merger will allow us to
cut our technical staff by half again, and concentrate our resources
on becoming the largest and most successful Protestant Church in the
United States.  Our first IBM mainframe is already being installed
in the basement of 815 Second Avenue, the Episcopal Church Center in
New York."

They continued: "So that we can assure ourselves that the Apostolic
Succession will be continued, the Bishops of the Episcopal Church
will lay hands on the Board of IBM in a ceremony at the Cathedral of
St. John the Divine in New York City.  Then, the entire House of
Bishops will travel up to Armonk, where they will be instructed in
the use of the personal computer." The business writers of most US
newspapers will join the religion correspondents in recording this
momentous occasion.  Both the business and the religious communities
are awaiting the new developments that this historic merger will make
possible.

His Eminence, Bill Gates, had no comment.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

While two men were fishing from a dock, one of them accidentally
dropped his wallet into the water.They peered into the depths and
watched as a carp swam by and scooped the wallet up to its mouth,
Suddenly another carp appeared and snatched the wallet away, only to
have a third grab it from him. The two fishermen looked at each other
in disbelief. "Joe," said one, that's the first time I've ever seen 
CARP-TO-CARP WALLETING."

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type.
Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'CARP IN TUNNEL' SYNDROME."

If you love salmon the way I do, raw (Sushi), lox (smoked), poached,
grilled, barbecued, in salads, then you might be interested in how
salmon spawn. As you may know, they swim upstream. In fact, before
they became threatened as a species, one could go salmon fishing
during the salmon runs. My dad used to do that every year and we were
the happy beneficiaries of the ease with which he could catch them.
Well, that vulnerability turned out to be an error in calclation on
the part of the salmon. You see, once upon a time, salmon used to only
swim upstream during night hours. At night, they could not be seen as
well. However, one particularly observant salmon noticed that most
creatures, including the fishes' greatest enemies, fisher birds, slept
at night and hunted during the day. So, the Salmon Council was drawn
together and this particularly observant fish presented his
observations. It was decided, on the basis of this very persuasive
argument, to call a vote to decide whether the salmon should rest
during the day, as they always had, or rest at night. You can guess
what happened. When the presiding fish asked, "When should we rest?",
SALMON CHANTED, "EVENING."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

Does Green Bay have what it takes to win the Super Bowl?  Better yet,
do you have the qualifications to root for them?

=======================================================

Application to become a Green Bay Packers Fan

Name:______________

CB Handle:___________

Neck shade:
_____Light Red
_____Medium Red
_____Dark Red

Number of teeth in exposed full grin:  (Neither can exceed 3)
Upper______
Lower______

Mobile home color:
______Two-tone, brown & white
______Two-tone pink & white
______Faded green

Model of Pickup Truck:____________
Size of Tires:____________________
Length of right leg:______________
Length of left leg:_______________


Note: To be accepted, you must be honest and you must be able to
check at least 20 items from the questions below.

Note that good Packer fans can sometimes check many answers for some
of the questions.

1. My favorite music:
____Country
____Western
____Anything played on the accordian

2. My favorite meal:
____Cheese & Old Milwaukee
____Venison sausage and Old Milwaukee
____Cheese curds and Old Milwaukee

3. Preferred weapon:
____12 Gauge
____Tire Iron
____Forehead
____Chain Saw
____Ice Auger

4. Primary auto:
____'67 Ford Galaxy
____'67 Ford Galaxy with transmission
____'67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Impala Tranny
____'67 Ford Galaxy w/ '73 Impala Tranny and
    '71 Buick Wagon Engine

5. I usually greet people by saying:
___Ya hey dare
___Dem Packers is playing like a bunch a old women
___Dey shouls take da whole bunch a dem der madison liberals and just
   lineem up and shootem

6. I can count to:
___10
___20 if I take me boots off

7. I bought part of the "frozen Tundra"
___Yes
___No... but I wish I woulda

8. Favorite Reading:
___Fishin Facts
___Beer bottle labels
___Guns and Ammo
___Today's Mercenary
___Polka DIgest

9. Things in my front yard:
____Various kitchen appliances
____Car on blocks
____Transmissions
____Deer hanging from tree limb (in season)
____Deer hanging from tree limb (out of season)

10. I mostly wear:
___Polyester pants w/ snags
___Polyester pants w/ holes
___Green Bay belt Buckle

11. My favorite colors are:
___Green
___Gold
___I'm color blind.....except when I got me beer goggles on!!

12. The most memorable event I ever attended was:
___Minoqua Moose Call competition
___Omega Outboard motor repair finals
___Lake Tomahwk Crew cut championships

13. Favorite entertainment:
___Fishin while drinkin
___Snowmobilin while drinkin
___Watching Green Acres while Drinkin

14. Pick one:
___ Someone is helping me read this
___ Someone is reading this for me.

15. Favorite phraze:
___ "Gollee jeez."
___ "Ya d-o-n't seh?" ("You don't say?")
___ "Ya betcha."
___ "Okee-dohkee."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Schroeder]

The scene is in Romania just after the Communist revolution. 
Overnight people who were nobody were prompted to crucial positions
simply because they had previosly been members of the Communist
party. 

The lesson for that afternoon was ancient Greek History.  The
teacher paused to ask the class a question.  "Now tell me, Joseph,
who was it who stole the horse of Troy?"

Joseph gulped, stood up and said, "Please, sir, I didn't take it"

"Stupid boy" said the teacher.  He slammed his books on his desk and
walked out of the classroom and into the Principal's office.   

"Our civilization is dead" said the teacher with conviction, "I am
teaching about the history of Greek civilization, I ask Joseph who
stole the horse of Troy and he said HE didn't!"

The Principal, who two weeks previously sold newspapers for a living
said, "Comrade, listen to me, I have known Joseph and his father for
many, many years, if Joseph said he didn't steal it, he didn't steal
it." 

The teacher said, "I can't stand it" and stormed out of the school. 
He went into a local wine bar, ordered a wine, sat down and began to
collect his nerves.

The Director of Secret Police was in the bar also drinking wine and
knew the teacher.  He strolled over.  "Why so glum, comrade?" 

The teacher told the Director of Secret Police the story of stupid
Joseph and the more stupid Principal.  The Directory of Secret
Police listened with sympathy, nodded and at the end said, "You are
quite right, comrade, our civilization is dead."

Nothing further happened until four o'clock the following morning
when the teacher's telephone rang.  He answered to hear the voice of
the Director of Secret Police.  "That was a very disturbing tale you
told me today in the wine bar, comrade.  After hearing it we brought
Joseph and his father in for questioning.  They have signed a
confession.  Joseph did steal it." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[another one from Heresy of the Month, posted by Dave Wigley on Rehu]

Does thinking make your head spin? Do philosophical debates seem to
go in circles for ever and ever? Enjoy reciting moral cliche's and
don't know why? Then perhaps Wishful World [ church of ambiguity ] is
right* for you! 

Science has long known of the vast gulf that exists between what we
know and what we believe. So why bother thinking about what you
believe? Man has evolved with a religious nature which requires a
belief, or a faith in something. Faith then, is believing in
something you know isn't true. 

>From this concrete base you can build a religion that suits all of
your religious needs. If you need comfort then believe in a
comforting God. Need permission? No problem! In fact, why settle for
permission when you can invent a God who requires you to commit what
ever act you desire. Yes!.. conveniently avoid thinking with
religious dogma like-" I'm okay, your okay" or "what's true for you
may not be true for me". Become the life of the party, mediator of
debate, and all around swell guy.**

Impress your friends with deep religious thoughts suitable for any
group or occasion. Be the first choice for any group convocation,
benedic-tion, invocation or animal sacrifice by always being ready
with a religiously generic and secularly acceptable prayer, thought,
meditation or chant. And since religious truth is subject to
perception, those prosy apologetics go right out the window! It's easy
and guarantied not to cramp your style. Just follow these minimal
steps (prefabricated for your convenience) and Wishful World will
secure your nest-egg in heaven.***

Our steps begin with the simple:

1) Good and evil are relative
2) Christians are evil

To the still simple, yet spiritually tactful:
3) I'm right, I don't know why, I just am

To the evasive:
4) Hey, I'm not a religious person
5) And stop cramming your beliefs down my throat

And finally, spiritual bliss: 
6) I want my Mtv!

Avoid embarrassing confrontations about religious controversies by
simply agreeing with everybody. It doesn't matter if there are
contradictions or inconsistencies. It doesn't matter if there are
prohibitions or requirements that would restrict you. It's a
question of faith. It doesn't effect the real world. You can live
free**** thanks to Heresy of the Month. And if you act now we will
include with this heresy a fully illustrated manual of religious
poses, postures, gestures and facial expressions suitable for all
occasions.*****

*Or not right depending on what you believe. 
**Or jerk depending on what you believe. 
*** Or hell depending on what you believe. 
****Free of meaning and purpose. 
*****Obscene gestures require proof of age 18 or older.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

A distant cousin of Syngman Rhee from Korea got a job as a
photographer for Life Magazine. His work was excellent and he soon
became one of their top stars, One day he failed to show up for work.
A week went by and he still did not show. Fellow workers phoned his
hotel and checked all possible points where he could be visiting.
Finally, they organized a posse and began combing the city block by
block. One searcher entered a bar in th slinky part of town, and
there, on a stool, was his man. Overcome with joy and relief, the
searcher rushed up and exclaimed, "AH, SWEET MR. RHEE, OF LIFE, AT
LAST I FOUND YOU."


The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for
looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the
son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former
flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer. In short, he was "A
HAIFA-LOOTIN', FLUTIN' TEUTON, SON-OF-A-NUN FROM BARCELONA, PART-TIME
PLOWBOY JOE."


Capt. Ferdinand Feghoot, the famous interplanetary explorer, had
arrived at Planet Pearl to pay his respects to its queen, the renowned
Mother of Pearl. As was typical, she was the largest and shiniest
Pearl on the planet. Unfortunately, word reached him that the queen
was very distraught. Her most trusted adviser Micheal, a lawyer, was
committing suicide by walking into the Ammonia Sea. The suicide was a
slow one because it would take weeks for Micheal to dissolve. Capt.
Feghoot rushed to the queen to comfort her, and to offer his aid in
recovering Micheal. He in turn found out that the reason Micheal was
committing suicide was because his complexion, unlike that of the
other Pearls, was pitted and pock marked. Efforts to find Micheal and
convince him to come back were in vain. Ferdinand was sure he could
find Micheal and bring him back. Sure enough, several days later he
walked back up to the queen carrying Micheal on his shoulder. The
queen was overjoyed. "How did you do it !?!", said the Queen. "It was
easy.", replied Feghoot, "I simply took off my shoes and walked around
on the beach by the sea and when I felt something rough between my
toes, I knew I had found Micheal.""I don't understand", replied the
queen. "Simple. I just kept singing over and over to myself, "A GRITTY
PEARL IS MICHEAL, L.L.D."


Long ago, in a small country in Europe, one family had for centuries
made all the bells for the churches in the village. Finally, only one
member of the bell-making family was left, and he was also the mayor
of the town. Feeling threatened by competition, the mayor decreed that
no wedding bells might be rung in the village unless they were made by
him. He enforced this rule strictly and became known as the
Wedding-Bell Czar. One couple decided to marry without using the
czar's bells. They had a friend who owned an ancient Chinese gong, and
they used it instead. Shortly after the wedding, a fearsome noise was
heard coming from the gong-owner's home. The bride and groom rushed to
investigate. "Whatever does that noise mean?" they cried. "It means,"
said their friend, wringing his hands, "THAT WEDDING-BELL CZAR'S
BREAKING UP THAT OLD GONG OF MINE."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8:
                                LAIDBACK


This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative
to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
gentle and non-threatening language since all error messages are in
lower case.  For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
message:
        "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.
         can you find the time to try it again?"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE I WISH I HAD KNOWN...


- that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep
right through it

- that I would change so much and barely realize it

- that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways

- that college kids throw airplanes, too

- that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so
dressed up

- that every clock on campus shows a different time

- that if you were smart in high school - so what?

- that I would go to a party the night before a final

- that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put
together

- that you can know everything and fail a test

- that you can know nothing and ace a test

- that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my
roomie

- that home is a great place to visit

- that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes

- that friendship is more than getting drunk together

- that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about

- that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50

- that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination

- that psychology is really biology,  biology is really chemistry,
chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math

- that I really wouldn't be with that high school (boy/girl)friend for
the rest of my life

- that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same
time

- that beer would play an intricate role in my future

- that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life

- how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home

- that I would no longer get allowance
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Chris Gill, from the Funny Bone]

          (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
          (_.===============================================._)

                FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE... FROM: THE TREES

                ,@@@@@,
       ,,,.   ,@@@@@@/@@,  .oo8888o.
    ,&%%&%&&%,@@@@@/@@@@@@,8888\88/8o        StoP tHE LogGINg
   ,%&\%&&%&&%,@@@\@@@/@@@88\88888/88'     oR wE WiLl coNtInUE
   %&&%&%&/%&&%@@\@@/ /@@@88888\88888'    To KIll oNe CeleBrITY
   %&&%/ %&%%&&@@\ V /@@' `88\8 `/88'         EacH WeEK.
   `&%\ ` /%&'    |.|        \ '|8'
       |o|        | |         | |          TheRe ARe nO SkIinG
       |.|        | |         | |             "aCciDenTS".
jgs \\/ ._\//_/__/  ,\_//__\\/.  \_//__/_
           _                                                 _
          (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
          (_.===============================================._)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was
still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were
getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the
following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told
his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as
the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be
unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Elevator Laws

There are un-written rules that everyone who rides elevators follow
whether they know it or not. It's not something that anyone has placed
into effect by law...It's just the way things are....

1. When you are waiting for an elevator and there are two sets, the
one that is the greatest distance from you will open first.

2. While you are riding the elevator, it is not permissible to look
anyone in the eyes. The proper place to stare is at the floor or at
the numbers.

3. The person at the very back of the elevator will always be the one
who needs off first.

4. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and needed to go
the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you reach the
ground.

5. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your
foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing
to admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you
know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people
you were with have gotten off.

6. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of
will be the last to open.

7. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on
with you: an extremely sick man who coughs constantly and then gets
off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams
through the entire ride.

8. Don't pass gas in an elevator even if you are all alone because
when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get
on. It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one
knows who to blame.

9. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be
nervous laughter.

10. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to
you will always have bad breath and body odor.

11. Elevators force us to be close to people that we would never
choose to be around otherwise. If you want a cultural experience,
spend a day riding elevators around town.

12. The first person to get on the elevator gets the command position
next to the buttons so that they can feel important when people ask
them to punch their floor for them.

13. While waiting on an elevator, there will always be one person to
comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down
button over and over as if that will make it speed up.

14. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch
the button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the
elevator.

15. On top of the list of the most annoying elevator pet peves is the
parent who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile
at you after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the
first floor needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the
kid will yell "Is this where we get off?"

16. The floor that is labled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor
but is in reality the basement. Ther 1st floor is actually labled the
2nd floor.

17. If you are not in any hurry, there will always be an empty
elevator just waiting with the doors open just for you by yourself.

18. In buildings where smoking is allowed, there will always be one
person who insist on taking the last drag off their cigarette putting
it out then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you
trapped inside.

19. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just
happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn.
Popping the balloon is a strong temptation.

20. I would rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs
alone!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from PowerMoose humor list]

For those of you who need to get in touch with the lord: 
Christ, Jesus --Security St, Little Rock, AR 72202
Christ, Jesus --Euclid St Apt 10, Santa Monica, CA 90404 
Christ, Jesus --Nw 114th St, Miami, FL 33167 
Christ, Jesus A --Ridge Rd, Sedgwick, ME 04676 
Christ, Jesus --Washington, DC 20001

Or another religion:
Presley, Elvis --Hc 69, Atmore, AL 36502

Gee, look who has residences near the capitol and in California:
Satan J --Edgewood Rd, Kensington, MD 20895
Satan M --Sacramento, CA 95814

Breakfast cereal friends:
Tiger, Tony R --Tiger Mt, Hitchita, OK 74438
Tiger, Tony A --S Pennsylvania St, Shawnee, OK 74801
Tiger, Tonya --W Willis Rd, Tahlequah, OK 74464

If you want to know the answer to the riddle of the Sphinx:
Sphinx Marion --Shinholster, Gordon, GA 31031
Sphinx Max --Salu St, Alton, IL 62002
Sphinx Johnnie W --Moors Camp Hwy, Gilbertsville, KY 42044
Sphinx David J --State Route 1241, Hickory, KY 42051
Sphinx Max --Stonymont Dr, Saint Louis, MO 63136
Sphinx Max --Pershall Rd, Saint Louis, MO 63136

And the mystery of Bigfoot's whereabouts has been solved:
Bigfoot S C --1st Ave, Orlando, FL 32820
Bigfoot Billy J --N 8th St, Clinton, OK 73601
Bigfoot Dee S --Foreman Ave, Norman, OK 73069
Bigfoot Brian D --Glenview Dr, Fort Worth, TX 76180
Bigfoot M R --Montague, CA 96064

Not at all discreet:  There 61 aliens in the phone book

So much for the "secret Batline": A total of 320 Batmans, but no
Supermans.

And here is an argument in favor of polytheism: there are 1000+ 
"God"s in the phone book!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/5095/computer.html ]

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ... LITHP 
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence
of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP ith
thaid to be utheful in protheththing lithtth. 



THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ... C- 
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C-
is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL. 



THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ... SIMPLE 
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to
write code with errors in it. The statments are, therefore, confined
to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you
can't make a syntx error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing
useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other
languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and
debugging. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

It's the Spring of 1959 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a
pretty hip guy with his own car.  When he goes to the front door,
the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready
yet. Why don't you come in and have a seat?"   

"Thank you, Sir.  I'd like that." says Bobby very politely.  Carrie's
father asks Bobby what they're  planning to do tonight. Bobby replies
that they will probably just go to the soda shop and see
a movie. 

Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw?  I hear
all the kids are doing it these days." 

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it. 

"Yeah," says Carries father, "I know Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll do the screw thing all night if we let her!"   Well, this just
made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was
beginning to look a lot better!  

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby says goodbye to the parents and escorts her out
the front door.  

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into  the house, slams the
door behind her, and with tears in her eyes she screams at her
father:  "DAMMIT DADDY!  IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"  
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, 
they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably 
aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds 
that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, 
these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for 
short. 

These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can
generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of
these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them
by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb
like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking
language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then
the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the
competition. 

And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get
it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason
is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Samuel Marchbanks, on Rehu]

Attended a theatrical performance and was impressed once again by the
amount of coughing which a Canadian assembly can manage, and by the
freedom with which this national habit is indulged. Not merely the
aged and the infirm, but the young and the hearty, the valiant and the
fair, cut loose with coughs like the roarings of lions. Mentally ran
off a new verse for our national song, thus:

        O Canada, our home, our native land,
        Chronic catarrh makes all our tubes expand;
        With raucous cough we greet the dawn,
        With snorts we hail the noon,
        The emblems of our nation are
        The kerchief and spittoon;
        Post-nasal drip!
        Woooof! Let her rip!
        We face the future trusting in our grippe--
                [Exultantly and accompanied with loud cough,
                hawkings, gaggings and retchings]
        DE-FY The World with Freedom in OUR GRIPPE!

+---------------------------------------------+
[Source: the Usenet Oracle, found on
http://thunder.indstate.edu/~hunters/humour/oracle.html ]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question
was: 

O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept this
humble question from thy grovelling supplicant... 

                 Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: 

 THE SCENE: A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three
 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling. In the middle of the room is
 a Pentium/100Hz, sheathed in a black casing. Three programmers dance
 around the machine, chanting horribly. Their pale, clammy complexion
 is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more
 repugnant to the watchful eye by the 60Hz flicker of the monitors. 

 FIRST PROGRAMMER:
                                       Thrice the brinded net hath
                                       mewed. 

 SECOND PROGRAMMER:
                                       Thrice, and once the Warp-pig
                                       whined. 

 THIRD PROGRAMMER:
                                       MacHarpier cries. 'Tis time,
                                       'tis time! 

 FIRST:
                                       Round about the terminal go; In
                                       the poisoned upgrade throw.
                                       Code, which by a student done
                                       In minutes numbering sixty-one.
                                       Run-time error, protection
                                       fault, Crash ye first, crash ye
                                       shalt. 

 ALL [as they dance 
 around the Pentium]:

                                       Double, double, toil and
                                       trouble; Tempers burn and data
                                       bubble. 

 SECOND:
                                       Fillet of a Sound Card bake, In
                                       the Pentium no sound make;
                                       Point of arrow, click of mouse,
                                       Scream of user, frightened
                                       spouse, OS/2's net use appeal,
                                       Steve Jobs' look and Wozniak's
                                       feel. For a charm of powerful
                                       trouble, Like a hell-broth boil
                                       and bubble. 

 ALL:
                                       Double, double, toil and
                                       trouble; Tempers burn and data
                                       bubble. 

 THIRD:
                                       Click "Start" button, speed of
                                       slug, You would think you
                                       forgot the plug. Multitasking,
                                       ha ha ho If just one worked
                                       you'd be good to go. This
                                       should grab those straggling
                                       few Who aren't using DOS 6.22.
                                       Now we shall the Mac eclipse,
                                       While curse words cross our
                                       users' lips. Leave the errors
                                       in so we can fix And sell
                                       more... Windows 96! And so we
                                       will release the Beta For
                                       corruption of their data. 

 ALL:
                                       Double, double, toil and
                                       trouble; Users buy, our profits
                                       double. 

 SECOND:
                                       Compile it with errors through,
                                       Since the users have no clue. 

                  [Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.] 

 BillGate:
                                       O, well done! I commend your
                                       pains, And everyone shall share
                                       i' the gains. And now about the
                                       program get, But NEVER use it
                                       on OUR net. Security is scarce
                                       put in. 

                    [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.]

                               [Exit BillGate.] 

 SECOND WITCH:
                                       By the usage of my UMBs
                                       Wicked Windows this way comes.
                                       Open locks, Whoever knocks! 

                               [Fade to black.] 


Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form. 

You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a
copy of the Windows upgrade for the P6. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

The Ant Farm


My Uncle Dan did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever
seen to have friends or pets. We thought he was the primordial loner,
until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the
creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in
our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a
deep and private affair, and we admired him for it. 

One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top
off the ant farm and his creatures were gone. Practically in tears,
he called me on the phone. 

When I asked what was wrong, he replied, 
     "THE ANTS ARE MY FRIENDS. THEY'RE BLOWING IN THE WIND!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/5095/speller.html ]

What is a speller to do?

If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?

Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do 
But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Les Pourciau, via UGA Humor List]

SWEEPING

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at
about 3 am.  The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor
to stop.  Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his
tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep
every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
 
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his
charge.  As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle.  The
sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't.  

The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a
toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom
handle.  

The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the
same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only
sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. 

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his
wayward sailor.  "What in the heck have you been doing all night? 
This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say
for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. 

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and
couldn't sweep a link!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.cyberhighway.net/~transnet/humor/rcorpzod.htm ]

Astrology tells us about people and their future by their time, date
and location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of a person's
birth. Demographics tell us what others like, dislike, whom they
voted for, as well as what they buy and what they watch on
television. The Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by an
individual's job title, people can pretty much learn about an
employee's hidden personality traits. 

 MARKETING:

You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid
having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and
socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities
are now. Least compatible with Sales. 

 SALES:

Laziest of all the Corporate Signs, often referred to as a "marketer
without a degree". You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless
someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to
avoid all contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big
picture". You seek admiration for your golf game, clothes, car and
sex appeal throughout your career. 

 CUSTOMER SERVICE:

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking
your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a
little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to
play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions,
your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 

 TECHNOLOGY:

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead
content to completely control everything that happens at your
workplace. Typically you went to a trade school because you didn't
have time for all that "c***" required in college. Often, even you
don't understand what the hell you're saying, but no one else except
the engineers knows anyway. It is written that the Geeks shall
inherit the Earth, but the Senior Managers keep contesting the will.

 ENGINEERING:

One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said
that sixty percent of all the people on the Internet are either
engineers, or wish they were one. You can be happy with yourself and
the latest technology in your field. Your office is typically full
of all the latest gadgets, catalogs and half finished spec sheets. 

 ACCOUNTING:

The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune
from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the
majority of your co-workers are convinced that you are completely
without feeling or emotion. You are often caught in the Rest Room,
practicing your frown in the mirror. 

 HUMAN RESOURCES:

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend
to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only
other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to
return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have
lunch, and mail a letter ! Your favorite expression is: "Now don't
say anything, but..." 

 MID-LEVEL MANAGERS/ DEPARTMENT HEADS/ TEAM LEADERS:

Catty, cut-throat, and ambitious, but... you are probably destined
to remain at your current job for the rest of your life unless a
Senior Manager dies or retires. You tend to measure your worth by the
number of meetings you can schedule for yourself and the number of
subordinates you can con into sleeping with you. Best suited to
date/marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle
must be at least a Middle Manager for appearance's sake. 

 SENIOR MANAGERS:

You enjoy appearing to be the ultimate authority figure but
actually, you are completely spineless, and determined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life, unless the head of your
organization dies or retires. Unable to make a single decision, you
tend to measure your worth by the number of Mid-Level Managers you
can harass on any given day and insure that your office is the
largest in the building. Best suited to date/marry other Senior
Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager;
besides, no one else would have you anyway. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://thunder.indstate.edu/~hunters/humour/ms1995.html
okay, it's an OLD one, but I still think it is funny!  Somebody want 
to rewrite it for the next planned version of Windows???? ]

News Flash: MS Buys 1995

In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday
that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be
replaced instead by ``Year-M'' to be followed by actual 1995.
``Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule,'' Gates said. ``But we
couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get
confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new
marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an
extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the
new 1995.'' 

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to
bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS
is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual
with one change: all checks must be made payable to ``Bill Gates.'' A
side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial
branch for the duration of ``Year-M.'' Speculators stated that Gates
would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits
pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be
cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases. 

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his
purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a
countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be
broken up into ``deity conglomerates.'' ``Gosh,'' said Gates. ``They
broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?'' 

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early
resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God
has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he
doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married,
and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping. ``If we could just
get some employees like that,'' Gates lamented, ``we would be able to
ship Windows 95 on time.'' 
+---------------------------------------------+
[Reported by John Voigt, via
The Daily Weekly, October 1, 1997 <daily@walrus.com> ]

LARGEST PRIME NUMBER DISCOVERED

CHICAGO, IL (DWPI) -- The International Science Advisory Board has
officially recognized the discovery of the largest known prime
number. The number, discovered last November by Nike corporate
accountant Felix Goldstein, was over fifty times larger than the
prime number discovered by Stanford University researchers just two
years ago. 

Says Goldstein, "I was trying to divide Michael Jordan's liquid
capital evenly among his investments, and I found that it just
couldn't be done."  

The number has been licensed by Nike under a two year contract, and a
line of "Air Felix" high performance pocket protectors and
calculators should be on shelves in time for the Christmas shopping
season. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to
drink a beer.  After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and
said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"  The Lone Ranger stood
up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do.  Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you
would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside !!"  The
Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was
about dead from heat exhaustion.  The Lone Ranger got him some water
and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around
Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do.  What is wrong with
him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to
know........ you left your Injun running 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

Top 47 OXYMORONS:

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://thunder.indstate.edu/~hunters/humour/windex95.html ]

Microsoap Introduces Windex 95

                               by Lars Bacteriophage


Redmond, Washington -- In New York City, the Empire State Building was
made up to look like an enormous hand-soap dispenser. In Washington
D.C. President Clinton gave up his nickname of ``Bubba'' in order to
be called ``Bubble.'' The worldwide chain of ``Octopus'' carwashes was
hired for an entire day just to give people free baths. All over the
nation, hordes of eager bathers mobbed stores as the long-awaited
release of one of the most highly anticipated cleaning products in
history finally became reality. On August 29 at 12 midnight, the doors
opened and convenience stores across the nation began to sell
Microsoap ``Windex 95.'' 

``I've never seen anything like it,'' said Bowatu Kempler of ``Da
Pope's Soaps (for the unwashed heathen in all of us)'' in
Jacksonville, Fl. ``We had people camping outside the doors at 4 AM
yesterday waiting for the doors to open. And you shoulda heard
them...'' 

``It's Windex 95!!!'' shrieked a gleeful Elenora Minset as she
snatched the last flat of glass cleaner from Mr. Kempler's shop.
``It's great! We'll bathe in it. We'll put the baby to sleep in it.
Hell, we'll even feed the cat with it! It's Windex 95, and I LOVE
IT!!!'' 

Said a spokesperson for Microsoap: ``Windex 95 is special and unique
because it has the ability to clean glass. It can also clean glass.
Did we mention that it cleans glass? It's so much better than Windex.
Because it cleans glass. Windex 95, that is. You need to upgrade now.
The old stuff is blue. The new stuff is green. Oh yeah, and the new
green stuff cleans glass. Windex maybe sorta cleans glass too, but you
can use a Rag with Windex, whereas Windex 95 requires a Rag-486DX with
8 MB RAM and a lint-coprocessor. Windex 95 may not clean some types of
glass as well as Windex, so we suggest you upgrade your hardware by
buying the now industry-standard (as defined by Microsoap) circular
windows and cubical drinking-glasses. We have a billion to advertise
with that says you have to, so get with it!'' 

Meanwhile, proponents of a competing product have been wearing snide
buttons proclaiming ``Windex 95 = Soap And Water 3000BC'' This has
failed to dampen the burgeoning enthusiasm for the most revolutionary
cleaning product of all time. Sales also have not been hampered by the
fact that each bottle of Windex 95 carries a mini-spycam in the cap
which constantly transmits to the Microsoap Ministry of Information.
Each bottle also comes paired with a ``free'' rock, causing concerns
with pet rock stores all over the world. At a store called, ``Hey,
it's a rock, you can even do that with it!'' Luther Lemner complained,
``Everyone needs to clean their filthy, slimey, disgusting Windows, so
they buy that Microsoap stuff. They get a `free' rock... But it's
actually a lump of sod with a spy-camera in it. But then they think
they have a rock, so they don't buy my fine rose quartz anymore. I'm
going to go out of business. Everyone cleans their windows; this isn't
fair.'' 

But it's too late to stay the flood; Windex 95 is the soapware
occurence of the century. I for one predict that Microsoap is really
going to clean up with this one. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

QUIPS & QUOTES

The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the
sleeping world.  --Leonard Cohen

Do you want to drive somebody crazy?  Send him a telegram saying,
"Disregard first telegram."

When ransacking a town, always remember:  Pillage first and *then*
burn, not the other way around.  --David Henry

If a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, then who will
notify the next of kindling?

A wise old man once said that humor is to life what shock absorbers
are to an automobile.

I'll never understand how a person can discriminate against somebody
based on the color of their skin.  Unless it's like, green or
something -- with pus oozing out of it.  --Jim Rosenberg

The introspections of conscience help make us human and keep us
decent. Ironically, those who need such introspection the most have
the least of it."  --Anitra L. Freeman

Have you noticed that no matter where you put the suggestion box...
one of the first suggestions is where you can put the suggestion box!

Remember when we all wanted to look like Elizabeth Taylor?  Well, now
I do.  --Carrie Snow

Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope.  --C.P. Snow

Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.  --Socrates

Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in
wonder.  --Socrates

Some days I think it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.  Like
Saturdays, when I don't have to go to work.  --R.M. Weiner

Man, are these [Texas] people ever casual when it comes to clothing!
All it takes to confirm that is one visit to a Willie Nelson's Formal
Wear shop.  --Christ White

Time:  That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in
killing him.  --Herbert Spencer

Rest:  Death after life.  --Edmund Spenser

If you want a thing well done, do it yourself.  --Charles Haddon
Spurgeon

Power, after love, is the first source of happiness.  --Stendhal

Marriage is like a tango... it takes two, and occasionally one has to
bend over backward to keep the dance going.

Too often in politics, the man of thought cannot act, and the man of
action does not think.  --Richard Nixon

In Texas, many people shop at "Western Wear" stores, where even the
mannequins have beer bellies.  --Chris White
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/5095/achtung.html ]

ACHTUNG

(Written and posted at work after the copying machine jammed an
unbelievable number of times, many of which were caused by human
error) 

Das machine ist nicht fur gefingerproben und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowen dur fusen, und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dumkapf. Das rubernecker
und sightseher keepen der hands in der pockets, relaxen, und watchen
der blinken lichts. 

Danke schon,
Der Geschaftsfuhrer 

(P.S. This ain't German) 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://thunder.indstate.edu/~hunters/humour/666.html ]

DOS = Damned Operating System!

(The numbers are obtained by translating each character (letter,
number, space, etc.) into its corresponding ASCII value.) 

It looks like well-known OS's fall into the same category: 

    M  S  -  D  O  S     6  .  2  1
    77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

    W  I  N  D  O  W  S  9  5
    87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

    S  Y  S  T  E  M     7  .  0
    83+89+83+84+69+77+32+55+46+48 = 666

Coincidence? I think not! 



The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is
known as Bill Gates (III), where ``III'' means the order of third
(3rd). 

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and
adding his (III), you get the following: 

    B  I  L  L  G  A  T  E  S  (III)
    66+73+76+76+71+65+84+69+83+3 = 666 (!!!)

Some might ask, ``How did Bill Gates get so powerful?'' Coincidence?
Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement? You
decide! 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dean's Humor List]

DICTIONARY OF DATING

DATING:  The process of spending enormous amounts of money,  time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
the future.

EASY:  A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:  A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
man that she is interested in him.  Despite being advised to do so,
many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:  A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has
some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE:  A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:  What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months
together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:  A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often
than he does.

SOBER:  A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:  The act of associating horniness with a particular
person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:  What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:  How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Tom Bombadil]

 Justice Department Fines God!  (by Kim Voynar)

In an unprecedented move, the Department of Justice yesterday filed
an antitrust lawsuit against Christianity for its monopoly on
religion in the US marketplace. Attorney General Janet Reno defended
the lawsuit, saying, "For too long, Christianity has been the
dominant religion in the United States. It is time to give the
smaller religions a fair chance."

Although the provisions of the Sherman Antitrust act historically
have not applied to businesses which win their monopolies through
fair business practices, the DOJ alleges that Christianity is
illegally using sales of its best-selling book, The Bible, to prevent
users from trying other products, and of refusing an earlier DOJ
order compelling Christianity to work with all other religions to
standardize its interface and make it compatible with other beliefs.

"Right there in its Users Manual, Christianity tells it's users,
'Thou shalt have no other God before me,'" Reno pointed out. "If
that's not a monopoly, I don't know what is."

Christianity is also accused by some critics of using its dominance
of the marketplace to take over the afterlife, but the DOJ has not
yet filed a suit pertaining to those allegations, pending a series of
Senate hearings to determine whether the DOJ has jurisdiction over
the afterlife of US citizens.

The lawsuit was filed after months of meetings between Reno and
representatives of Christianity's competitors, including the Mormon
Church, whose "Book of Mormon" has been unable to get a strong
foothold among believers in spite of a series of television
commercials which pitched it as a "sequel" to The Bible; and Islam,
which claims that Christianity's pre-existing dominance in the US
market has unfairly prevented consumer acceptance of it's book, The
Koran, which many believe to be a superior product.

Many insiders have alleged that Christianity has never made a better
product, but that its marketing techniques and strong-arm tactics
have allowed it to dominate the lucrative religion market.

Also joining forces in the conglomerate against Christianity are the
Wiccans, who allege that Christianity has illegally limited the
growth of their religion since the early 1600s by such strong-arm
tactics as burning its users at the stake, and a guy from Texas
named Bob, who claims that his religion, Bobbism, and other small
offshoot religions, are unfairly denied the opportunity for growth
because of Christianity's dominance. Although Satanism reportedly was
not invited to join the conglomerate, sources say that flamboyant
Satanism chief Lucifer, a long-time nemesis of Christianity since he
was thrown out of the organization and formed his own rival company,
was seen chuckling darkly and rubbing his hands in glee as he
watched CNN reports detailing the DOJs actions.

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader, a long time opponent of monopolies, is
planning a summit to be called "Dominating Oppression: Does
Christianity Have a Stranglehold on Guilt?" next week in New York
City. Nader invited God, Christianity's eccentric and mysterious
Chairman and CEO, to attend the summit and answer questions from
participants, but God reportedly declined the invitation in a message
delivered to Nader in a dream, saying the summit was nothing more
than an attempt to crucify Christianity, not an open forum for
debate.

An unidentified source reports that God did offer to send his son,
Jesus, or even a burning bush, to represent him at the summit, but
Nader declined the substitution, saying, "We want the big guy himself
or no one at all. For God to offer to send his son or some shrubbery
to represent him rather than showing his face at the summit himself
is just an insult to the consumer. What is he afraid of?"

Insiders note that much of God's mystery and allure stem from the
fact that no one has ever seen his face, and that if God attended the
summit in person he might lose his crucial hold on Christianity's
users, many of whom are already disenchanted with the numerous
inconsistencies in the company's products.

"For God to show his face would be tantamount to unmasking the Lone
Ranger, or seeing the members of KISS without their makeup," said a
source inside God's organization who asked not to be identified. "He
just wouldn't have the same allure after that."

New York City Mayor Rudolph Guiliani reportedly breathed a sigh of
relief when told that God had declined the invitation to make an
appearance in New York. "Can you imagine the traffic jam that would
cause?" he said.  "Why, when we had the Pope here back in 1995,
traffic was backed up on FDR drive for hours to let the Pope-mobile
through. Just think of what God coming through on a chariot of fire
would do to rush hour. New Yorkers don't need that kind of
headache."

Reno reportedly will make a move next week to fine Christianity one
million dollars per day until it agrees to comply with the DOJ's
orders. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

QUOTES FROM ALL OVER

If only God would give me a clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.  --W. Allen

To get maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big mistake.

Conscience is a small inner voice that doesn't speak your language.

It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when
it happens.  --W. Allen

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not.  --M. Twain

The only time the average child is as good as gold is on April 15.

Most people want to be delivered from temptation, but would like it to
keep in touch.  --R. Orben

The sqeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease.  Sometimes it gets
replaced.

One place where you're sure to find the perfect driver is in the back
seat.

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

Life is like riding a bicycle.  You don't fall off unless you stop
pedaling.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Adversity is the state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted
with himself, being especially free from admirers then.

By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity.  Another man's, I
mean.  --M. Twain

When you are saying something which doesn't mean much, you must say it
with a great deal of authority.

It is easy to be brave from a safe distance.  --Aesop

Nothing is permanent but change.

Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
tolerated until they acquire some sense.

You can't say civilization won't advance ... for in every war they
kill you a new way.  --W. Rogers

I have never found that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.

In the first place God made idiots.  This was for practice.  Then He
made School Boards.  --M. Twain

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.  --Mark
Twain

Before God and the bus driver we are all equal.

Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying -- but when
God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?  --L. Tomlin

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve
immortality through not dying.  --W. Allen

To have true justice we must have equal harassment under the law.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you.  That is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 
--M. Twain

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find next
morning that it was someone else.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate
vacations -- we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage
together.  --R. Dangerfield

There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now
it happens to everybody.

People call it take-home pay because there is no other place you can
afford to go with it.

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem
as a nail.

Other employees would do no better than Congressmen, if the boss
showed an interest in them only once in two years.

If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.

Nothing recedes like success.

When you are in trouble, people who call to sympathize are really
looking for the particulars.

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.

If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done.

A fisherman is a jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the
other.

A good example of afterthought is trying to close your mouth after
you've stuck your foot in it.

A woman's work is never done.  So why bother?

Retirement:  Half as much income, twice as much husband.

FRIENDSHIP:  Don't explain.  Your friends don't need it, and your
enemies won't believe you anyway.

A good test of religion would be to find yourself in church with
nothing less than a twenty-dollar bill.

A perfect marriage would be a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Some jobs are like war:  days of boredom followed by moments of sheer
panic.

When all else fails, READ THE DOCUMENTATION!

You can lead a horse to water; get him to float on his back & you've
got something.

Quien mucho abarca poco aprieta. (Grab much, gain little.)

There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.

Tom Robbins says... If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.

Always draw your curves then plot the readings.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.

Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

Bedfellows make strange politicians.

Thoreau says... Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.

Voltaire says... Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

Gravity doesn't exist:  the earth sucks.

Organization is the enemy of improvisation.

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

It works better if you plug it in.

Louisiana has the best politicians money can buy.

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.

Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life

Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don't feel like
it.

Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Variables won't; constants aren't.

Interchangeable devices won't.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

A true friend knows who you are but likes you anyway.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Chalapathi Rao Poduri, via UGA Humor List] 

HEIGHTS OF REPETITON: you forwarding an email to someone  and
recieving the same email forwarded from him to you.

HEIGHTS OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using
emails  to communicate with each other.

HEIGHTS OF COWARDNESS: Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHTS OF HELPLESSNESS: You recieving no emails for a week.

HEIGHTS OF IDLENESS: A person using email tool all the time.

HEIGHTS OF FRUSTATION: The email server being down.

HEIGHTS OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a reply
all.

HEIGHTS OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending the email to a girl
wanting  to  become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHTS OF HEIGHTS: A person sending an email to himself..
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Laugh-A-Lot! see bottom for more info]

Sure, it seems easy being a space alien. You've got your x-ray
vision, your late model space ships and media coverage galore.  But,
as usual with most glamour jobs, there's a lot of nitty gritty work
the public doesn't get to see.  The job can become routine, and even
a bit tedious, as we learned when we stumbled upon this intriguing
page from...

 S P A C E  A L I E N ' S  L O G  B O O K
*****************************************************************
 8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.                                
                                                               
 9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.
                                                                     
 9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry.      
         Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.              
                                                               
10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating 
         fingertips. Levitate her body just long enough to be 
         glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body 
         inside spaceship.  Remove internal organs; weigh, label 
         and categorize. Return most, if not all, to the body. 
         Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in 
         backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic 
         good-bye. Leave. 
         
 1:00 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has 
         gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments 
         of an unidentifiable element. 

 2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check     
         from best seller. Communion.                              
                                                                 
 3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where 
         to go next.                                          
                                                         
 3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.               
                                                     
 3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.           
                                                 
 4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Clinton. 
         Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, scandal evasion, 
         future political endorsements.           
                        
 6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other 
         aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.

 9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.                                    
                                                               
10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer 
         of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. 
         Lights out.
*************************************************************

~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot!  - The daily clean-jokes-only list! ~~~~~ 
* To join the list, send (only) the message SUBSCRIBE to:
laughalot-request@graceweb.org  
* Joke Compilations (c)1997; Permission granted to forward, or post 
on other lists/sites; if this notice is fully included, thanks!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.cyberhighway.net/~transnet/humor/qyuppie.htm ]

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my Cusinart to keep.
I pray my stocks are on the rise,
and that my analyst is wise.
that all the wine I sip is white,
and that my hottub's watertight,
that racquetball won't get too tough,
that all my sushi's fresh enough.
I pray my cordless phone still works,
that my career won't lose its perks,
my microwave won't radiate,
my condo won't depreciate.
I pray my health club doesn't close,
and that my money market grows.
If I go broke before I wake,
I pray my BMW they won't take.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

QUIPS & QUOTES

Overheard at an auction sale:  "Sold!... to the lady with her
husband's hand over her mouth."

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober.  --William Butler Yeats

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 
--Woody Allen

A bad day modeming beats a good day at work.

Natural laws have no pity.  --Heinlein

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if is didn't zigzag??

Why put off 'til tomorrow what you'll never do anyway?

Don't ya just hate it when there's not enough room to fin

Falls don't kill people.  It's the deceleration trauma.

War is the science of destruction.  --Abbott

Hey, don't ask me, I'm just an Anthropomorphic Personification.

The name will be:  Pentium.  The price will be:  Plentium.

Passing in any crowd are secret people whose hidden response to beauty
is the desire to tear it into bleeding meat.  --James Tiptree, Jr.
(Alice B. Sheldon)

You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of FORTRAN.  --Alan Perlis

Grandpa Charnock's Law:  You never really learn to swear until you
learn to drive.

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery

If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.  --Benjamin
Disraeli

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified
your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer to a
definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.  In
a way, the next move is up to him.  --R.A. Lafferty

He who Laughs, Lasts.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  --Eleanor
Roosevelt

Never eat more than you can lift.  --Miss Piggy

Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
guessing.

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.  --Henrick Ibson

Manual, n.:  A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more
on a given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The
information you need is in the others.  --Ray Simard

If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
love.  --Charlie Brown

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."  --Russell Long

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
fascination.  When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
popular.  --Oscar Wilde

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
abuse it.  So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
war hold him in check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five,
of course. --Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.

It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an
aardvark

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:  Push something hard enough and it
will fall over.

It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.

The fact that it works is immaterial.  --L. Ogborn
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Todd C. Nessen, via UGA Humor List]

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one
dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate
the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. 
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and
trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the
world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody
could get near it.  When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans
showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. 
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no
way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian
dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled
and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund.  But,
when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened.  We had
our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Rhett, on Rehu]

 HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A DEMON
  (or, You Might be Satan If...)

   - Small animals burst into flame when you pet them.

   - Your fondest childhood memories are of large rodents and
       sledgehammers.

   - All life ceases to exist within a 10 mile radius whenever
       you sneeze.

   - You can't go out with anyone because your date is always
       put off by the packs of scavenging animals following
       you everywhere.

   - People at haunted houses are scared of _you_.

   - Your mother constantly refers to you as her "hellspawn."

 You owe the Oracle a brand new car... type... thing.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington
monument. He said,  "George, what should I do?" 

After a few seconds George replied,  "Abolish the IRS and start
over." 

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. 

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He 
said  "Tom, what should I do?" 

After a few seconds Tom replied,  "Abolish welfare and start over."

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the
Lincoln Memorial. He said,  "Abe, what should I do?" 

After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and
go to the theater?" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

Dear Dr. RAM

I have a computer with a Pentium 133 CPU. I want to increase the
speed, but I have no money to spend on an upgrade. What do you
advise?
                                   Speed Fiend

Dear Speed,

Ask you doctor to prescribe you something to slow down your
metabolism. Take the medicine and wait for a couple of hours. Then
switch your computer on and you will notice a dramatic increase in
speed and overall performances.
---------------
Dear Dr. RAM,

I bought a $ 5,000 notebook, with batteries guaranteed to last for six
hours. They did actually last for about that long, after which the
computer went dead. What shall I do? Shall I try and change the
batteries?
                                       Out Of Power

Dear Out,

>From your description, I believe that you bought a disposable
notebook and therefore there is nothing you can do. However, you are
in luck: I happen to collect disposable notebooks, even if they have
no use whatsoever. Send me your machine and I shall mail you $ 50, so
you will not suffer a total loss. No, don't thank me, it's quite all
right.
+---------------------------------------------+
