2/14/98

[forwarded by Kathleen - use Courier 12 to view]
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+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

February 14 is Valentine's Day in the US, and a few other countries. 
It is loosely based on the Roman lover's festival of Lupercalia. 
Most people don't know there were actually two Saint Valentines.  One
was a priest in Rome, another a Bishop in Interamna.  Strangely
enuff, both were beheaded.  In their honor, people everywhere have
since been losing their heads on Valentine's Day.

And as if two headless clerics weren't enuff to inspire tons of
romance and passion, we throw in this lil' nude cherub named Cupid
(Eros to you Greeks) who flies about shooting people in the heart
with arrows.  I assume that's why red is the primary color of the day
-- all that internal bleeding and all.

Cupid was the Roman God of Love who stayed with his wife, the
Princess Psyche, only at night.  Actually, that's not a bad deal at
all if you can swing it guys.

People in England celebrated the holiday beginning in 1446. They
would write their names on slips of paper and draw from a vase for a
partner.  And here we in the US thought we invented wife swapping in
the 1960's.

In the 1700's, the custom of pinning these slips of paper to one's
sleeve became popular, where it was worn for several days after. 
Romantics would have you believe that this is where the expression
"He wears his heart on his sleeve" comes from, when actually, this
was an early attempt to pinpoint and follow-up on any sexually
transmitted diseases.

During the 1800's in the US, the custom of exchanging cards adorned
with sea shells and seaweed became popular.  I guess if you're gonna
drown in a sea of sentimentality, you might as well have the
appropriate accouterments.

So there ya have it y'all.  May the Headless Horseman bless... No
wait -- wrong headless guy...  that's Halloween...  never mind. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Michael A Dimond, on Rehu]

The top 15 signs you've chosen the wrong date for Valentine's Day

1.Her eyes say "Yes" but her probation officer says "No."

2.When sober, he looks like Beavis. When drunk, he looks like
Butthead.

3.Sure, the Mapplethorpe exhibit was provocative, but now you're stuck
with those tickets for "Wrestlemania XII."

4.The big lug knows how to hang onto a girl, but clinging to the roof
of the Empire State Building isn't your idea of a romantic evening.

5.He's hired three naked kids with little bows and arrows to "set the
mood."

6.Upon closer inspection, that label reads, "Victoria's Secretions."

7."Would you like some more wine, Mom?"

8.Any combination of the words "Susan" and "Powter" on her driver's
license.

9.She tells the waiter that she isn't wearing any underwear.

10.He keeps hitting you up for an $8.5 million loan.

11.His 10 words-per-minute typing means you spend most of the night
staring at your monitor.

12.The "hit" by the Giancomo Family was traumatic enough, but NOW
you're stuck with the check.

13.Instead of "saying it with flowers," he says it with squash.

14.C'mon, webmaster AND part-time model? She's got to be making this
stuff up.

   and the Number 1 Sign You've Chosen the Wrong Date for
Valentine's Day...

15.Every time he pulls you close on the dance floor, his Siamese twin
cops a feel.

[additional bonus clue:

#16- After the romantic candlelit dinner, you take her home and when
you're close enough to give a goodnight kiss, you see that she has an 
Adam's apple.]

from: INTERNUTS Digest V01 Issue #73
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Michael A Dimond, on Rehu]

 Are you a Democrat or Republican?

 1)  What is your personal income level?  Is it:
   a - Too much!
   b - Not enough money, but any more would make me evil.
   c - Whatever the government lets me keep.
   d - Money is a tool of the capitalistic overclass which...
       etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
   e - I have no income. I've rejected money and
       illegally inhabit a national park.

 2) Describe your family:
   a - I'm married with three kids.  Oh, and a live-in
       transsexual who joins us in our orgies.
   b - The rules of the commune prohibit disclosing personal
       information.
   c - I don't believe in families.
   d - I don't believe in the word "describe."

 3) What is the most politically incorrect thing about Scooby Doo?
   a - Daphne never does anything but stand around and look
       pretty.
   b - Scooby was never referred to as Canine-American.
   c - Velma is such a lesbian stereotype.
   d - Shaggy never shares his marijuana.
   e - "Scooby Snack" reward system encourages mass consumption.
   f - Criminals are actually put in prison.

 4) There's this weird drunk hanging out in front of your home. Do you
   a - Give him two bucks and think highly of yourself.
   b - Direct him to a government agency that will help him.
   c - Start a government agency that will help him.
   d - Respect his personal choice.
   e - Give Senator Kennedy a ride home.

 5) I'm against school vouchers because...
   a - Bad teachers need jobs too!
   b - The NEA is against it, and a labor union
       certainly wouldn't do anything in its own interest.
   c - A monopoly always yields better results than competition.

 6) Bill Clinton's Welfare Reform Policy is:
   a - A document with "GOP" scribbled out & "Bill's" written
       in with a fat purple magic marker.
   b - "It's a trap that discourages work & rewards
       illegitimacy, and we're keeping it."
   c - What would you like it to be?
   d - What time is it?

 7)  Bill Clinton's Official Drug Policy is:
   a - Whatever the Republicans are currently working on.
   b - A new poster: "Don't Be A Shaggy; Share Your Drugs!"
   c - White House aides using drugs won't be allowed to work
       unless they're Democrats.
   d - "Just say no to inhaling!"
   e - What would you like it to be?
   f - What time is it?

 8) Why do you admire Hillary Clinton?
   a - Anyone who can make $100K without knowing cattle futures
       deserves admiring.
   b - The only dead people I can conjure up are Paul Lynde and
       Redd Foxx.
   c - If only I could lie so convincingly!
   d - Hey! She puts up with Bill! Give her some credit.
   e - We need more strong, intelligent women in prison.

 9) What would Bill Clinton have to do for you to not vote for him?
   a - Develop a big ugly eyestalk in the middle of his forehead.
   b - Appear in a remake of "Bedtime for Bonzo."
   c - Claim to be "more famous than JFK!"
   d - Wear a t-shirt showing a bullet-riddled Snoopy. 
   e - Join the Republican party.

 10)  If Bill and Hillary discovered _________ in Chelsea's
      room, they would disown her.

              ONLY ONE ANSWER IS CORRECT.
    a - Condoms.
    b - Marijuana.
    c - Cocaine.
    d - A videotape with a note: "It was fun!  Here's a
        copy--Rob Lowe"
    e- "The Way Things Oughta Be" by Rush Limbaugh.

 11)  Al Gore's dynamic speech pattern makes him an          excellent
      choice for the position of:
    a - Vice President.
    b - President.
    c - Governor.
    d - Senator.
    e - Environmental spokesman.
    f - TalkieToy Robot recorded voice.
    g - Kindergarten teacher.

 12)  Bill Clinton strongly believes in
    a - Bill Clinton.
    b - Bill Clinton.
    c - Bill Clinton.
    d - Bill Clinton.

 13) There is a logical, believeable way that missing Whitewater
documents showed up in the White House reading room that adjoins
Hillary's office after the administration claimed to have handed
over all relevant documents:
    a - They were being used to line Sock's box.
    b - Time-travelling KGB spies plotting to avenge the fall
        of communism.
    c - They had been blank sheets of paper until Bill spilled
        lemon juice on them.
    d - That rascally David Copperfield again!
    e - Hillary had them.


 SCORING:  None.

           IF you think this is a humor page, you're a
              Republican.
           IF you had a hard time picking the best
              answer because they're all so true,
              you're a Democrat.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

It was a warn Southern California evening when the jury reached a
verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting
the jury's verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors
that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge
Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the family's
evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito
answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the
judge should return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito
refused the bailiff's request because, she insisted, "HIS HONOR WAS AT
STEAK."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he
was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering
the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be
your new beat out here in the sticks, would it? "That it is," Mike
replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the
masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How
was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded
Mike. "Well," mused Pat, ""tis life and there's a lesson in this
somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. "'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A
JUDGE BY HIS COVER."

Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia. It was a rare night that
he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in
Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even
the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep.
One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful senoriita named
Esta Gonzales. Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her
picture. Miguel has known from his childhood that WHEN YOU SEE ESTA,
YOU SLEEP.

Nero was talking finances with his advisors. Although they were
filling the Coliseum for all their events, they were losing money. He
asked his chief financial advisors to determine the reason. After
lengthy investigation and analysis they came to a conclusion and went
to see Nero. "Have you found the cause?" he asked. " We have," he was
told. "THE LIONS ARE EATING UP ALL OF THE PROPHETS."

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you
know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that -- and
suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh
lover, whip me! Please whip me!" Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up
an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips
around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna
off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in
sado-masochistic ecstasy. Almost a week later the girl notices that
the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her
doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "WOW!
LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT A BAD CASE OF VAN AERIAL DISEASE!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[posted on UGA Humor List]

You Might Be A Computer Nerd If...
by Charles W. Plemons III (Nosferatu@PremierNet.Net)

1. Your web page is more popular than you.
2. Your favorite sport is Tetris.
3. You know what fuzzy logic is.
4. You talk to your computer.
5. When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper instead of
Playboy. 
6. You argue with your computer. 
7. Your computer has its own phone line. 
8. You have dreams involving your computer. 
9. You try to pick up women on chat lines. 
10. You can talk to a woman about your hardware and not mean anything 
sexual. 
11. You spend Friday nights with your computer. 
12. You ask a woman for her email address instead of her phone 
number. 
13. You've never actually met many of your friends.
14. You remember how to use DOS. 
15. You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy." 
16. Only computer users can understand you. 
17. Your home page is longer than your resume. 
18. You've ever installed Linux. 
19. You've missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your 
computer. 
20. You always understand Dilbert. 
21. You regularly drink Jolt cola. 
22. You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping. 
23. You have multiple email addresses. 
24. You've ever setup a LAN in your house. 
25. You understood the above statement. 
26. You search the Internet for computer humor. 
27. Your idea of hurrying is typing faster. 
28. You keep spare mouse pads. 
29. You buy your computer gifts. 
30. You've ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your 
computer. 
31. Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol". 
32. You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original 
disks for. 
33. You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you 
immediately remove the case. 
34. You have ever called home to check on your computer. 
35. You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not 
because it is faster, but because it just confuses people. 
36. You've ever considered getting a tattoo of the "Intel Inside" 
logo. 
37. You have a pet name for your computer, but not one for your 
penis. 
38. You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because 
you've been convicted on all of them. 
39. You no longer interact with your family, you send them email 
instead; in the same house. 
40. You check your email before you check your answering machine. 
41. You can program the next best thing to Windows, but you still 
can't get your VCR to stop flashing. 
42. You have more insurance on your computer than on your children. 
43. You receive more chat requests than phone calls. 
44. You stopped paying for call waiting because it kept knocking you 
off-line. 
45. You don't immediately go into gibbering panic when you hear of a 
new computer virus. 
46. You've ever emailed your assignment in to your professor. 
47. You've ever tried to see how far you can move the mouse without 
turning off the screen saver. 
48. You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem. 
49. You call in sick to work over your computer. 
50. Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus. 
51. You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and HTTP each stand 
for. 
52. You tinker with computers at work all day, and when you finally 
get off work, you rush home to tinker with your computer. 
53. You dedicate your home page to your favorite actress in hopes 
that she will see it and desire to meet you. 
54. You have more than one home page. 
55. The closest you ever come to having sex is downloading nude 
pictures off of the Internet. 
56. You have a better computer system at home than at work. 
57. You get jealous when other people use your computer. 
58. You run back into your burning home to rescue your computer, but 
you leave the dog. 
59. You know exactly how much hard drive space you have free, but you 
don't know your spouse's birthday. 
60. You run Windows 95 and Windows 3.1 just because you can. 
61. You have the high score on Jezz Ball. 
62. You know what word 31337 stands for. 
63. You keep spare computer parts around the house.

[and guess how many *Teresa* got?????]
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

SITTING BULL

An Indian brave named Sitting Bull comes home to the wigwam and
informs his father that he's found a wonderful new, Jewish,
girlfriend and they're getting married.

Naturally the father is upset.

"Why don't you find a nice Indian girl? it's not right for Indians to
marry out. Anyway, I'm sure that Jews feel the same way. Surely
they're not thrilled with having an Indian son-in-law".

"Not true!", replies the brave. "They like me so much that they've
already given their daughter a new Indian name".

"What's that?" says the father.

"Sitting Shiva"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Emily Carder, on Rehu]

I am now  a freshman and I have a homework assignment each Friday in
Health class; a news article which must be reported on. The first
paragraph must summarize the article.  The second must be my
reflection on it.  The article must be pertinent to the week's
lesson, and not just on health or wellness in general.  This week we
were lectured on nutritional eating and drinking habits.  I submit,
for your own personal health benefit, the following article.

Emily Carder
HE100.03
13 February 1998
Source: Kane County Chronicle
Title: Meals Under Wheels
Date: 12 February 1998
Author: None given; AP


"A West Virginia Senate committee approved a proposal to legalize the
immediate collecting and eating of animals killed by moving
vehicles," thereby solving a problem with spoilage.  Formerly, West
Virginians had to wait until after they contacted authorities before
claiming animals which met their demise on highways and byways after
a brief tangle with a vehicle.   Such a delay often took hours, thus
the roadkill began to spoil and was inedible.  Speaking on behalf of
his constituents, Sen. Leonard Anderson swayed votes for the measure
with this valuable insight, "They need to be able to pick it up and
take it home immediately."  With more carcasses removed from the road
and appearing at the family table, West Virginia taxpayers will gain
additional benefits as less tax dollars are spent for roadkill
removal.

Creative means for providing meat for the family has long been a
challenge for West Virginians.   Meat is a ready source of protein, a
necessary component of a nutritious diet; however, meat is high in
cholesterol and fat.  Not so with wild game, which is very low in
cholesterol and fat. However, West Virginians, because of the strict
'contact before you collect' laws on pavement produce, often were
left with game which was too ripe for harvesting.  Formerly, West
Virginians would have to mark the roadkill with a chalk outline on
their way to market, so that the freshest abundance of the asphalt
would be easily determined on the return home. Now, however, West
Virginians are the proud recipients of a bill which grants not only a
ready source for meat, but also the added benefits of less strain on
the family budget with less money spent for meat and on taxes, and
the need for chalk significantly reduced. West Virginians will not
only be eating healthier, they will also be living less stressfully,
thus significantly increasing their wellness. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.
Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not
leave without purchasing at least one momento of the traditional
Indian culture. 

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the
sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost
others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that
where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap
pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able
to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. 

While he claimed his dolls were still authenic, his competitors
complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'
     -Neal Karasic 

Official sign near door:  Door Alarmed.  
Handprinted sign nearby:  Window frightened.
     - Janet LeResche

HEY, Life is still not fair for the guys
Found in a restaurant in England:

Guys:  No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge
     - KAT

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus 
    (translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
     - sglass

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race 
  Let's see who can go downhill the fastest
     -Terri Higinbothom

Sign in King's Canyon in California.
'Slow Parking Ahead'
     William H.

MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from 
Johannesburg International Airport into town.
An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof
and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs
better without WINDOWS!!!'
     - Theo Coetzee

Two signs found on top of one another in a country 
kitchen several years ago:

   restrooms
    <-----
   Please wait for hostess to seat you.
     - Brian Mahler

Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:
Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm
Quickies Thursday at  7:30pm.
     - Kirsten Duell

Seen in a health food store:
" Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot "
     - AEM13

If you're smoking, you'd better be on fire.
     - Stacey Konowitz

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
     - SP Pirate

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant:
the sign read:  Women are not served here...
       You have to bring your own.
     - PENAG
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Joel Rosner, via UGA Humor List]

About a century ago, in a small European rural town there was a
chapel with wonderful sounding chimes.  These very chimes had called
parishoners to service for many, many years.  One wintery night there
was a heavy lightening storm; and, as luck would have it a bolt of
lightening struck the bells.

The next morning the monks saw a large crack in one of the bells. 
They could not afford a new bell but one of the priests said that he
knew of a smith in a nearby town.  The only problem was that the
smith was Jewish, but he had a good reputation for his work.  They
decided to let the Jewish smith repair their bell.  They lowered the
bell into the cart and had the ox pull the cart to the town.  They
introduced themselves and identified the problem.

The Jewish bell maker said, "Nooo Problem!  Come back in a week and I
shall have your bell looking like new."

A week had passed, the priests returned and were shown their bell.  It
was beautiful!  It looked as good as new.  The priests paid the man,
put the bell back onto the cart, took it to the church and with some
help they hoisted the bell to the top of the tower.  It now joined the
other bell that was still there.  The priests waited until Sunday to
ring the repaired bell.  Early in the morning, it was time to summon
the parishoners to prayers so one of the priest took up the rope to
the bells and began ringing the bells.  It was a beautiful morning and
slightly cool in the air and throughout the country side rang the
beautiful sound of the bells...GOyemmmmmmmm, Goyemmmmmm, Goyemmmmm.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from at LEAST a dozen different people, so I'm finally giving in and 
posting it!]

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had
had an affair with a former worshipper. 

The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary,
claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a
barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.  Sources close to Mary claim that she
"had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about
her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his
child." 

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of
this story will come out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief with
the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions
of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
three foreign operatives known only as the "Wise Men."  Beelzubub has
issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair. 

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with
the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to investigate,
that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up
evidence of a failed land deal.  In recent months, Beelzubub's
investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding
the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in
the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the
cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a
scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in
Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo
for political contributions.  

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter
moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.  Indeed, God
recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by
Rep. Moses.  Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the
ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Gulag Poets

In Communist Russia, it was a crime to write anything against the
state. It came to pass during one of Stalin's purges that a group of
romantic poets were arrested for crimes against the state and
sentenced to a prison on an island on the Gulag Archipelago where they
were imprisoned with shackles on their ankles. 

They soon discovered that the only other occupant of the island
besides their guards was a beautiful young woman. In their efforts to
escape to reach her the poets began to thrash one another, thereby
demonstrating that bards of a fetter flog to get her. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

     U.S. East Coast vs West Coast Translations

 [Found in an East Coast office of a major computer manufacturer.]
 Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors,
 customers, or other divisions on the other coast.

East Coast                     West Coast
============================   =================================
absolutely not                 maybe
yes                            maybe
action item by Feb 12 for Joe  Joe's working on the problem
bozo                           subcontractor
brawl                          design review
dictator                       facilitator
do it and do it now            can you sign up for this program?
do it right or you're fired    I'm confident you'll get it done
f*** off                       trust me
follow the spec                is there a spec?
get out of my office           let's get consensus on this one
he's a jerk                    he's not signed on to our plan
he's a subordinate             he's a team player
I'll cover your butt           consider me your resource
ignore him, he's new           I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar                      offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot     let's take that discussion offline
oh crap                        thanks for bringing that to my 
                               attention 
overdesigned                   robust 
punch his lights out           constructive confrontation 
shut up!!                      thank you for your input 
shut up a minute               let me share this with you 
that's totally incompetent     let me build on that point 
unemployed                     consulting 
over budget                    on schedule 
under budget                   we haven't started yet we finished 
early                          (no translation available) 
we're done                     how do you feel about that? 
what's your problem?           I certainly understand your feelings 
where's the spec?              what's a spec? 
where's the schedule?          what's the game plan? 
your plan sucks                let me share my feelings on this plan
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

QUIPS & QUOTES

But the lies we live will always be confessed in the stories that we
tell.  --Orson Scott Card

I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.  --George Bernard Shaw

You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
needles.  --Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food

Collaboration, n.:  A literary partnership based on the false
assumption that the other fellow can spell.

How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
Dayton?  --Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.  --A. Lincoln

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
--Albert Einstein

The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
scholarship.  --Robert Heinlein

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:  Negative expectations yield
negative results.  Positive expectations yield negative results.

Harris's Lament:  All the good ones are taken.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22) -- You are sympathetic and understanding to
other people's problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always
putting things off.  That's why you'll never make anything of
yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.

Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):  The metallic silver coating found on
fast-food game cards.  --Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.

If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.  --Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.  --Euripides

An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.

Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:  The quality
of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it
is popped.

Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.

Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant:  first, get a huge
block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like
an elephant.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.  --Charles
McCabe

Hlade's Law:  If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person
-- they will find an easier way to do it.

If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use
functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!

With a rubber duck, one's never alone.  --"The Hitchhiker's Guide to
the Galaxy"

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.

Law of Communications:  The inevitable result of improved and enlarged
communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly
increased area of misunderstanding.

The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers
in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper
on one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga
doesn't take it too seriously.  --Mike Harding, "The Armchair
Anarchist's Almanac"

Taxes, n.:  Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can
get an extension.

Paul's Law:  In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how
much you save.

If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large
deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.  --Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

Birth, n.:  The first and direst of all disasters.  --Ambrose Bierce,
"The Devil's Dictionary"

The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.

Goto, n.:  A programming tool that exists to allow structured
programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.  --Ray Simard

In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.

There are three ways to get something done:
    1. Do it yourself.
    2. Hire someone to do it for you.
    3. Forbid your kids to do it.

Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.

There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
it.  --C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Walt, on Rehu]

Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be
surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it
back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.  It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Larry Lippman, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

A CAT, A TREE, & A NEW WORD DEFINITION

As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story is
somewhat painful.  This is a true story which happened during the late
1970's.  My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since,
at the time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the
incident occurred.

There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara
Falls, NY.  One evening, a resident of the town called the local
volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat
from a tree.  Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control
dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to
respond.  The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was
early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to
respond.

The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an
extension ladder.  The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to
support the weight of the extension ladder.  Rather than send men back
to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the
firefighters suggested an alternate course of action.  Two of the
firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to
tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.

The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup
truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend
over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was
within his reach.

The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.

The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of
Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.

This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult."

Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive praise
from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds.  Please note that
this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who
perform a dedicated and essential community function.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

ROSWELL, N.M. (AP) -- Today, the United States Air Force issued a
long-awaited report about the "Roswell Incident" in which some people
claim that software from Microsoft functioned correctly in Roswell,
New Mexico in 1947. As expected, the government's 261-page report
denied that there had ever been any evidence that this had ever
happened, despite eyewitness reports to the contrary. 

The report claims that what witnesses actually saw was an
experimental Macintosh running a variation of Unix, or perhaps an
experimental Unix machine using a form of the MacOS.  Although the
official Air Force position is that this is their final report on
the matter, long-time Microsoft devotees are not satisfied. "We know
it really happened," said Gil Bates, spokesman for a group of
Microsoft enthusiasts who call themselves "The .exe-files". The
group's claim of having seen Windows run without crashing is tainted
by the revelation earlier this year that some members had falsified
evidence by doctoring output from standard Unix utilities and passing
it off as Windows data files. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

William Penn

The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie
and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy
and raised the prices up and up until all the people in Quakertown
were talking about those pie-rates of Penn's aunts.

The Busy Poet

The young poet was devoted, so totally devoted to his work -- that he
would rise in the morning, and immediately begin penning new couplets
and rhymes. So devoted, mind you, that he did nothing else. In fact,
it was said that he only went from bed to verse.

The Tour

In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks
homes and offered trips to the homeland, Ireland. After securing their
down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would
split. When the scam was discovered, the story ran in the local papers
under the headline: "Tour Allure: A lie"

Paint

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British
merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.
One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It
had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.
As a result of this disaster, both crews were marooned.

Tea

George loved tea. He'd always come over for several cups. He had an
insatiable thirst. He became such a nuisance that we decided to fix
him. To cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with
the stuff. One day we forced him to drink ten posts of tea. As he
staggered off, we laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten
pots in a tea pest.

Wounds of Valor

Two old tomcats were bragging about their brave exploits. "Nice
looking scars you've got their on your neck!" said one. "Thanks," said
the other, "I made them from scratch."

The Railroad Station

A railroad porter decided to get married in a large room on the second
floor of the the terminal. So many friends and kinfolk showed up, that
their combined weight caused the building to collapse injuring the
bride groom and many of the guests. The moral of the story: Never
marry above your station

Columbus

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others
believed it was flat and that if you travelled far enough you would go
over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as
America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to
Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most
believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents
written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing
what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. His
first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen
hundred miles on a galleon."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

 YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF:


 1. You can name everyone you graduated with

 2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home

 3. You know what 4-H is

 4. You ever went to "headlight parties"

 5. You used to drag "main"

 6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour

 7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police
    officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which
    ones won't

 8. You ever went cow-tipping

 9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but
    is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties

10. You have parties at the same guy's house

12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events

13. The town social events are their children's

14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks
    knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd
    tell your parents, anyhow)

15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy
    smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on
    back roads to smoke them

16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five
    old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop
    for the latest smut

17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade

18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming

19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you
    have gained weight or quit taking care of youself

20. No place sells gas on Sunday

21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one
    screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and
    drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)

22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks

23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town

24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date

25. You ordered your wardrobe out of a catalog

26. You had senior skip day

27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation

28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves
    across the street

30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but
    you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go
    two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track
    field)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Mervyn, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

I am the LORD thy God and I give you these Ten Commandments:

1. I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You
shall not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids
are "cool," "nifty," or "symbolic."  That would be putting other gods
before Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a
sore spot and, hence, right out.

2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vein.  Drugs
are fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.

3. You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day, and
My Kid's birthday.  Make sure to look for the bargains for this last
one, though, but don't let it stop you from spending.  Remember:  The
more thou spendest, the holier thou art.

4. Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father molests thee.
For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy
affliction... naneenaneebooboo.

5. You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, My Kid or the Pope
or any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to
hunt queers, women, commies or sissies.

6. You shall not commit adultery.  This applies only to married women.
Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be
stopped.  I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My
quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use them
just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me.  Why
this is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being God.  Someone get
these bugs offa Me!

7. Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or
government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it
in to the state or national charter.

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless
thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything,
so long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).

9. Go ahead and covet.

10. Thou shalt not think.  Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning,
which is a mortal sin.  Go to sleep.  Feel comfortable in thy
confusion and kill anyone who questions thou.

(k)opyright 1994, Whimsical Prophecies Inc. A Division of Zang(tm).
The above is excerpted from the Book of Inconveniences, as revealed by
God to his wholly holy servant, Rev. Zoweee Wow, KSC. FNORD!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/tolkien.htm ]

THE TOLKIEN RING NETWORK

The gathering storm brought them together. Each had unanswered
questions, though not all feared what they might hear. Many knew from
what source the storm sprang, and though none were certain, some
thought the storm heralded greatness, not destruction.

The House of Elrond was honored by the assemblage. Gandalf, the
greatest of wizards, Frodo and Bilbo the hobbits, Aragorn and Boromir
representing the men, Gimli the dwarf and Legolas the elf were
gathered around a great table, discussing the future of Micro Earth.

It had been many ages since all the folk of Micro Earth were in
Rivendell at the same time, The dwarfs burrowed deep in the mountains,
elves wandered the forests, men plowed the fields and hobbits ate.
Each spoke their own tongue, and though they knew a common one, they
had no reason to use it. Now the rising storm could change all that
forever.

Gandalf looked at the young hobbit seated next to him. "Bring forth
the Ring," he said. "It is time all knew its secret."

Frodo paused, as if some unseen force wished to keep the thing hidden
from sight. Slowly, he reached into his pocket and drew forth the
plain golden ring, heavy in his hand. Forged in the eternal fires of
Mount Doom in ages past, the ring bore no mark, no sign of its power,
save a line of finely etched runes that only the wise could read.

Gandalf spoke in a tongue nearly forgotten, reading the ancient words:
"One Ring to rule them, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them
all and in the Darkness bind them."

The Elves present covered their ears and cried in anguish. Elrond
spoke for all his people, saying, "Long ages have passed since the
language of Sauron was spoken in this hall. Too well do we elves
remember our battle against the power of the Blue Lord in the First
Age."

"Indeed," Gandalf said. "Perhaps we should remind ourselves of that
ancient struggle as we debate our course with the Ring of Power."

The bearded Wizard told the tale of the battle between Sauron and the
folk of Mainframe Earth. He spoke of King Sperry the First, who ruled
long and counted many people but in the end could not collect the
taxes. He told of the wizard Digital, whose followers wielded the
powerful magic of VAX and PDP. Burroughs, the King of Banking, and
Cyber, Lord of the 60-Bit Word, entered the tale with many others who
fought beside them.

"When the battle was over," Gandalf concluded, "Sauron had not won,
and yet he had not lost. While his enemies survived, he would dominate
their destinies throughout the Age of the Big Machines. All found
niches in which they could survive and even prosper, yet none would
ever mount a serious challenge to the great Power again."

Frodo listened intently, The Ring safely back in his pocket. The Age
of Big Machines was fascinating, but he could scarcely see any
connection between that great battle and the current crisis, At
length, he turned to the aged Wizard and voiced that question.

Gandalf considered his reply for some time. "Your question has no easy
answer," he said, stroking his beard, "The world has changed, and the
power of the Blue Lord is not what it once was. Errors has he made,
errors that may yet be his undoing. he remains more powerful than any
other, and his followers grow daily more numerous.

"The ring is the key. Back upon Sauron's finger, it could bind
together the folk of Micro Earth, ending the separation that now marks
our lives. Whether the change would be for good or ill. None can yet
say."

"In the early years of Micro Earth, all was at peace. The young Fruit
King of Cupertino ruled beside Commodore Pet, commander of the Navy,
and CP/M of the Eight Bits. Youthful exuberance was everywhere, much
volleyball was played at lunch, and many BMW's were driven. The Valley
of Silicon seemed unconquerable, and the demand for Fruit unlimited."

"Far to the East, in a land known only as Armonk, Sauron had built a
device of Power. He had seen the Fruit King prosper and grew ever more
jealous. Sauron's Machine was greater than the creations of the Fruit
King, and Sauron knew his many minions would eagerly seek its Power.
He called upon his 500 greatest followers, the Most Fortunate-ate, and
quickly did the Machine become their standard."

"Loudly did Sauron profess his commitment to the wise God of Open
Architecture. Though suspicions remained, wizards in the Valley of
Silicon wrote many spells to add Power to the Machine. They devised
new Card tricks and worshiped the God of Peripherals."

"The Fruit King's power waned, the Princess Lisa died a painful death,
and his new fruit was thought less tasty than the old. His fields
became full of Mice, and his screens lost their colour."

"Yet the Valley itself shone as never before. Its people prospered and
were happy. Sauron had limited their activities but had rewarded them
well. They grew content to work on his engine and soon ceased to dream
of creating engines of their own."

"Sauron's victory was not complete. The Fruit King did not die, though
he came under the thumb of the Cola Lord. When Sauron brought forth
the smaller Chiclets-powered Machine, the Fruit King, his Commodore
and the wizard Atari destroyed it with little trouble. Sauron's mobile
Machine suffered a similar fate at the hands of the Clone Lord
Compaq."

"Sauron thinks too much in terms of Mainframe Earth and has not
adapted well to life in the Micro plain. The price of his Machine is
too high for many, and the legend of his strength carries less weight
than in ancient times."

Frodo fidgeted. Frodo yawned. Bilbo leaned over to his young friend
and whispered, "He'll answer your question on the next week or so,
don't worry."

Gimli spoke, interrupting Gandalf. "What you have told us so far only
confirms what my people believe. Sauron has been good for Micro Earth.
Surely, the existence of the Clone Lords and the continued power of
the Fruit King show the benevolence of Sauron. He is no longer an evil
Lord, facing destruction at the hands of the Gods of Antitrust."

Fire burned in Gandalf's eyes. "Have you heard nothing that I have
said?" he asked the Dwarf, his voice full of anger. "Sauron battles
from within. He has destroyed the spark of creativity. He leads, and
others follow blindly."

The Dwarf stood his ground. "But what of the Clone Lords?" he
insisted. Gandalf spoke now as a teacher to a well-meaning but
misinformed pupil. "They make machines in the image of Saurons. What
independence does that show? Sauron could eliminate them with ease,
were he to change the basic spell by which his Machine is driven. They
survive by taxing their folk less, not by their wits. Nay, the fire of
innovation burns not within them." He paused for effect. "And," he
intoned, "you forget the Ring."

Boromir had stood at the mention of the Clone Lords. "Take care in thy
criticism of the Clone Lords, Wizard," he said. "The Clones have saved
us much, and theirs are superior to those of the Blue Lord. Yea,
though their innovation may be less, we gain by their presence. And
you speak falsely when you declare that the Clones could be easily
destroyed by Sauron. So long as the Great Spells of Lotus, WordStar
and dBase may be cast on the Clone Machines, they can survive any
assault by the Lord of Armonk.

"Indeed," Boromir continued, "it was the great error of Sauron to keep
his taxes so high that the Clones could gather strength. Now. tas
weeds in his garden, they have strong roots that are difficult to
remove. Sauron may even find a backlash on Mainframe Earth, as his 500
Most Fortune-ate followers discover that the three mystic Blue Runes
hold less magic than was thought." Boromir sat, satisfied of the truth
in his words.

Gandalf's face was tense. Frodo looked puzzled, as did many of those
assembled. Could it be that the Wizard was less wise than they had
thought? Could his vision be failing him at so critical an hour? Or
was it Boromir's human frailties that hid the truth from his eyes?

Aragorn turned to his friend, and spoke kindly. "There is much in
truth in what you say, Boromir of Gondor. Yet one flaw may crack a
large stone. As time passes, the Machines become more and more
powerful, and the wizards improve the spells that run them. If Sauron
changed the Spells of BIOS, the Clones would suffer greatly."

"As new and mightier spells of Spreadsheet or Words appeared the
Clones would find their Machines rendered useless, their powers a
shadow of the might they once possessed. And remember Gandalf's
warning not to forget the Ring."

At the mention fo the Ring, Frodo snapped back to attention. He felt
its cold smoothness in his pocket and asked, "What of the Ring?"

Gandalf took this cue. "With the Ring fully in Sauron's power, every
Machine on Micro Earth could be bound together. And the Machines of
Micro Earth could be bound to those on Mainframe, Sauron's domain.

"Great wisdom has been promised to those who would join with him and
the Ring: new visions yet unseen, new paths yet untraveled, new worlds
open to explore. Above all, the Ring holds the promise of Power. The
many Elves of Micro Earth could be linked together, able to share
their spells and songs without delay, even over great distances.

"But the Ring excludes those who are not compatible with Sauron's
plan; some spells work not on the Ring, and simple folk have been
turned into Wraiths in the deadly embrace fo the new Machine. The
gateways that open path from Machine to Machine often fail, trapping
the innocent in limbo between."

Once again, Boromir had heard enough. "Wizard," he cried, "every
object has many sides, and you reveal but few. The Traders of Gondor
can use the Ring to ease their way an lessen their costs. Great groups
of Machines, linked together, will speed trade throughout Micro Earth
and all will benefit. The Ring opens many doors, and Sauron gains
nothing from our passage into most. He forged the Ring, but we can
control its Power."

Legolas considered what Boromir had said. "I see no difference between
the great Ring system you describe and the vast Machines that rule
Mainframe Earth," he said. "The same problems may arise. A break in
the link can disrupt many, not just one. Secrets can be pirated away
down the dark passages. The system grows ever more complex, not like
the simple Machines we now use."

The elf continued, "There is no gain, only a further loss of the
individuality that is slipping like sand through our fingers. A giant
collection of simple Machines? Nay, I say that is a great waste. If
many must speak, let them use the Machines of Mainframe. I dream of
seeing our LAN lush with trees and Fruit, not bound with chains of
wire."

Frodo was again confused. "I see the advantage for the Traders," he
said, "but of what use is the Ring to simple folk who wish for nothing
more than a warm home and a cold beer?"

Boromir answered, "Through the Power of the Ring, common folk will be
able to bank without leaving their homes; they will have access to the
Great Markets where stocks are traded, and the financial universe
shall open before them. Travelers will be able to obtain rooms at
inns, spare horses or berths on the Wind Ships from their dining
rooms. Many will be their options."

Bilbo smiled sarcastically and whispered to Frodo, "Boromir thinks a
commoner is someone with only one Mercedes."

Gandalf rose to his feet and spoke in his most commanding voice, "The
time has come to stop this debate and decide our course of action. We
may cast the Ring into the Cracks of doom and destroy it, or wield it
and face the consequences, good or ill."

Frodo spoke, "I will take the Ring to the South, toward Gondor and the
Realm of Sauron. It is a long journey, and Destiny will decide our
course."

Few of the folk around the table had expected such a statement >from
the quiet hobbit, but quickly they nodded in unspoken agreement: Frodo
should lead them to the edge of Sauron's domain. Perhaps then the
great forces of Destiny would act to show the way.

As Frodo and Bilbo walked down the stone path to the small room they
shared, the elder hobbit looked at his friend and asked him why he had
chosen this way to travel.

Frodo walked on in silence for a moment, as if concerned only with not
tripping over cracks in the stones. "I know that the Traders can use
the Ring to great advantage, and all of Micro Earth will be enriched,"
he said. "I fear that Gandalf and Legolas are also right, that
creativity and innovation are curtailed by Sauron's scheme."

"Though no one mentioned it, I believe that fewer new and unusual
spells will be written if the Ring becomes the way of things and
people look to share one great spell, rather than buying their own. I
have yet to see any advantage for the common folk, but the natural
curiosity of men may bring forth some unknown and useful task. Most of
all, I feel in my bones that the ring will come to be used and thought
of differently than anyone now suspects."

"I will go toward Sauron and the Cracks and hope that along the way I
am given a sign to follow. The Ring tempts me. It cries out to be worn
and used. Another voice inside me wishes I had never heard of Sauron
or his Ring. I may destroy it, or I may give it to Sauron and help him
wield it. I only fear that I will have to choose before I know which
course is right."

The two hobbits continued down the path without speaking, both knowing
that further words were unnecessary. The greatest minds on Micro Earth
had been gathered around that table, and Bilbo saw that Frodo had the
farthest reaching vision of all.

The histories of both micro and Mainframe Earths were full of leaps
into the unknown, some successful and some not. Perhaps, Bilbo
thought, neatness and order should be brought into the chaos. Perhaps
the Wizards should be made to try rational behavior just once.

The old hobbit laughed out loud. And perhaps they can teach a pig to
sing.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

            HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

ROTTWEILER:  Just one.  You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN:  Immediately decides to change the brand of lightbulb and
find a more efficient form of lighting--perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD:  One, but just "try" to convince them that the
burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER:  Two, but the job never gets  done--they just
keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to
be done!

BULLDOG:  Just one.  But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're
out.

PUG:  Er, two.  Or maybe one.  No-- on second thought, make that two.
Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER:  The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN:  Lightbulb?  What lightbulb?

CAT:  I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. >^,,^<

SHIBA-INU:  Zero!  Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE:  It's your lightbulb--change it yourself.  Unless.....is
there food involved??

POODLE:  Sorry, Just had my nails done

BEAGLE:  How many cookies do I get?

WEIMARANER:  Light bulb?  You want ME to change a LIGHTBULB??

LAB:  Why change it?  The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI:  LIGHTBULB?? We don't change no steenking lightbulbs!!

MALAMUTE:  Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.

BOXER:  If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling
off the chair.........

AMERICAN BULLDOG:  One.  JUMP,remove bulb , land. JUMP, replace bulb,
land.  Two:  What lightbulb?  So?  We can play in the dark.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but
first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee - and then
I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at
you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself -
you didn't have to do that - but I looooove you so much for being my
friend and doing that."

DALMATIAN:  Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

ROTTWEILER:  I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.

CORGI: I cant reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER:  Lightbulb?  Lightbulb?  That thing I just ate was a
lightbulb?

STANDARD POODLE:  None.  Go get human, sit under it, look up and point
it out--then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE:  Just one.  And he'll rewire the house while he's at
it.

WOLFDOG:  Let me see that light bulb, anyway.  What's it made of,
what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it.  I might change
it, but let me think about it.  You're not trying to tell me what to
do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea.  I think I'll change that
light bulb!

GERMAN SHEPHERD:  "I'm kinda busy right now!  I have to chase the cat,
protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap.  I'll
add the lightbulb to my "To Do" list...."

DACHSHUND:  Well, first get me a ladder and a treat......no, you took
too long.  I want TWO treats and I'll do it.........No, not that
treat, the other kind.  Geez..........do I have to do everything? (of
course, followed by "the look".)

IRISH SETTER:  It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim
bulb.

PIT BULL TERRIER:  Jump and take hold of old light bulb.  Now, let go
of old light bulb..........I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please???? Let
go of the light bulb??????

GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG:  HUH????
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows.
Therefore, he'd visit them every morning and tell them jokes. The cows
laughed and laughed, and they gave excellent milk. However, the news
got around and no one else was much amused. Thus, ... his cows became
the laughing stock of the community.

There once was a mother whose daughter kept trying to elope with her
intended. Always, however, in the nick of time, the mother caught
them. After about twenty times, the daughter began to get desperate,
when at random, she read about an animal activist who would paint
bulls in order to camouflage them, then let them escape. However, when
the daughter called up the activist, he told her, ... "I stain bulls,
not constant elopers."

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good
rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his
head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't
think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. ...
It was in one ear and out the udder.

Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally
found a buyer for his oldest bull Ceasar. This new owner happened to
be the rancher's closest neighbor, who lived on the other side of the
valley accross the river. "Men," the rancher said to his cowhands,
"It's time to say our good-byes to this bull, and take him across the
river". So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river.
They were about to put him on the boat to take him across, when the
rancher's youngest nephew who helped to raise Caesar, said with a tear
in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last munch in his favorite
meadow?" The other hands said, "Sure", and led him just off the
riverbank for a snack. Well, with the day as nice as it was, all of
the hands took a quick nap. Four hours later, the rancher saw that the
bull was still on his property and ran down into the valley. He
shouted and cursed at the men to wake them up. Once everyone was
standing, he said that the beast should have been across the river
long ago. ... "In fact, we've come to ferry Ceasar, not to graze him!"

Of course you heard about the cow who jumped over the picket fence. It
was an udder diasaster. ... And the milking contest where both
contestants claimed to have won hands down. ... It ended in udder
chaos.

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a
complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out
to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I
believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right
out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and
knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he
shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field. The farmer
nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the
field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked
slowly. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Oh.
Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't
pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."


In a pasture in Montana, four bulls were indulging in. of course, a
bull session. "I," said the first, "shall go to Rome and become a
Papal bull." "I," said the second, "shall get a job in a brokerage
office and become a Wall Street bull." "I," said the third, "am
determined to become a bull in a China shop." "Okay," nodded the
fourth bull cheerfully, "Go out into the world if you will. But I love
it right here in this pasture and intend to stay here for heifer and
heifer and heifer."

When two horses stand with their heads to each others tails,
switching flies off of each other, thats ... horsepitality.  But when
two cows do it thats ... cow-operation.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/gro.htm ]

Dances with Cucumbers
May 5, 1863 -- Here on the frontier, I sometimes wonder if the
ancients were right. With no other friendly face within 150 miles, it
seems as if I have fallen off the edge of the Earth.

I spend my time now reading what books I have and cultivating my patch
of cucumbers (which I brought back from the Holy Land, cf. Prince of
Thieves).

The "purpose" of this fort, to hold back the Indians, has fallen away
with my civilized veneer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

May 7, 1863 -- This morning I had an interesting and silent encounter.
One of the tribe of Indians nearby watched me perform my morning tasks
and then left without a word. I am excited by the prospect of contact
with the natives of the area.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

May 20, 1863 -- I have finally convinced the Indians to parlay with
me. I taught them the word for "fort", feeling that it would be simple
enough for them to learn. They in turn taught me the Indian word
"titonka", apparently a small but tough, powerfully merchandised
horseless carriage of metal construction. I envy these people their
simplicity.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

June 7, 1863 -- Today I visited the Indians' village. It is on one of
the many flat-topped plateaus in the area. As the decline of the
buffalo proceeds, so too does this Indian tribe face decline. I will
try to teach them agriculture.

They have also told me their name for themselves. It is "Anasazi"...
which apparently means "people called Anasazi" in their language. I am
called by them "Stinchapecsal" which means "he who should bathe more
regularly". 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

July 8, 1863 -- A rude awakening. The Indians are fully aware of
agriculture and in fact have nothing to do with the buffalo (what kind
of nomadic tribe would build a village on a mesa?); unfortunately,
they are suffering a drought.

Knowing a remedy, I have told them to dig a ditch from the nearby
stream up the mountainside to their mesa-top fields. In the meantime,
I am pickling my cucumbers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

July 20, 1863 -- The drought is desperate, but the ditch is finished
and my pickles are ready. I am lining the ditch with pickles. The
Anasazi are doubtful, but I have promised them results in the morning.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

July 21, 1863 -- Success! The stream has been diverted and now flows
up the mountainside to the Anasazi fields. Amazed by this seeming
magic, I told them that it was simply a well-known fact in my world.
After all, everyone knows that "dill waters run steep".
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dave Wigley, on Rehu]

You've been online too long if...

1. You're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's
new E-Mail address.

2. You try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it
at 28,800 BPS.

3. You try to download chips and beer for the movie.

4. All the household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.

5. You hide the phone or ISP bill from the spouse because you may have
 to sell the family car to pay it.

6. You start naming the children, Prompt, Enter, Retry, & Abort to
Continue.

7. The kids respond to Archie, Veronica, & Jughead only and you call
 your pet dog Gopher.

8. The pizza in the fridge asks to be moved further from what used to
 be the meatloaf.

9. You try to pay the paperboy via electronic transfer.

10. You've been surfing all day, have no tan, and the only water
you've  come in contact with is in the glass next to you.

11. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

12. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

13. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you
smile.

14. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your    significant other.

15. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang
out".

16. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

17. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish
  to meet, your first thought is to IM her.

18. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you
  wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.

19. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8
since the "real" world is at your fingertips.

20. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

21. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually
transmitted diseases.

22. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23
people, you inform management that there is an error.

23. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at
  you.

24. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask
them for their GIF.

25. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual"
experience.

26. You know what a "snert" is.

27. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you
wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who
was online".

28. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their
real name is, so you call them by their screen name.

29. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks
face-to-face.

30. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is
wishing they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.

31. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

32. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.

33. You have met over 100 AOLers.

34. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a
 profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.

35. You understand the humor in all of this.

36. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.

37. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for
 you, and think they can.

38. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL
junkies.

39. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say
"BRB" or "BBL".

40. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail
  mail).

41. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

42. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say good-bye to
everyone in a room.

43. You stop speaking in full sentences.

44. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up
"giving" tech support to other AOLers.

45. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
 their buddy list.

46. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark
where   people are you have met.

47. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your
ignore  button handy.

48. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

49. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and
  you think , "Uh oh, cyber sex perv."

50. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for
more  than a few hours.

51. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

52. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get
 this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).

53. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get
online  before you have your first cup of coffee.

54. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

55. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
 screen.

56. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come
home  from work.

57. You don't know where the time has gone.

58. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters
by   hand.

59. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you
have had.

60. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
 instead.

61. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

62. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.

63. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.

64. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I  will TTYL".

65. You type faster than you think.

66. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now
undergoing  therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

67. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice
versa.

68. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

69. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that
scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

70. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes
and   fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

71. You dream in "text".

72. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

73. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're
really  bored.

74. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

75. You double click your TV remote.

76. You can now type over 70 wpm.

77. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Rosenberg, via UGA Humor List]

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus -- Learn to Speak Martian!
               Jim's Helpful New Words To Describe Male Behavior

Neanderful. Men haven't made much progress in the art of wooing over
the last few hundred years, as evidenced by the Tonya Harding affair.
Basically, it's still "here, look what I've beaten and killed for
you!" Women need a way to indicate appreciation and revulsion at the
same time. Now, there's a word. "Og, that was really neanderful; now
please drag the bloody carcass out of the foyer, wipe off your club,
and be sure to write me from jail."

Manslobber. Some men just can't take no for an answer. The harmless
majority of these Gomers are much like laboratory monkeys who keep
pressing a button which administers a dose of potentially pleasurable,
but eventually deadly poison. If refusing a date just doesn't get
through to the bundle of glands that is yapping at your heels, women
may now say "I'm sorry, Goofus, but I'm going to have to press
manslobber charges."

Mammopia. This phrase would be used to chasten men who just can't seem
to focus on anything but a woman's {dairy related} body parts. When
this behavior is detected, women could say "Hey buddy, I'm up here!
You need radial keratotomy for that severe case of mammopia."

Premature Articulation. This phrase would be used to assail the
"Schwing Reflex," which causes men to make vulgar comments about
attractive women who pass within their field of view. An occasional
"Hello, Betty!" is forgivable and physiological responses are not
controllable (if they were, oh happy day!). Still, men ought to know
better than to say things like "Here, chickie, chickie" or "Come to
Papa!" The problem is: men speak before they think. The next time it
happens, women may retort, "What's the matter Hercules, have you got a
case of premature articulation?"

Haskellate. Named after the Sultan of Suck-Ups, Eddie Haskell from
Leave it to Beaver, this phrase would be used to castigate men who
heap meaningless flattery on women with all their motives ulterior.
When the doo-doo gets deep, women could say "if these flurries
haskellate any further, I'll be knee deep in it."

Blowhole. Men are much like whales. They lie around most of the
time, then surface briefly to spout off. I pity women who must nod
through a nice meal while her date sounds off about his {completely
made-up} accomplishments. When this happens, she should say "Moby
dear, why don't you submerge now and give your blowhole a little rest.
You're getting the other diners a little wet."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Barbara, on Rehu]

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder"
(ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us
to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible
affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the
lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful
of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say
that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you
suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be
FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to
determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes
and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember:
Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read
on.

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?

5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
   b) Right out of the pot?

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee
   related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

9. Do you need coffee:
    a) ...to get up in the morning?
    b) ...to get out of bed?
    c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a
    coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a 
    straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for 
    hands-free drinking.)

11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona
    mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as
    well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to
    get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into
    your heart?

15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
    b) ...in more than five?
    c) ...in your bathroom?

16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee
       cards anymore?
    b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
    c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their
    profits"?

20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
    b) ...and his donkey?
    c) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
    b) ...that you don't like?
    c) ...because it's too frustrating?


--------------+
Response Ratio|                   Addiction Factor(TM)
======================================================================
 Yes   | No   |                         Analysis:

======================================================================
 20-22 | 0-2  | You are a well-rounded member of society with a
                love for life and you are very wise.
-------+------+-------------------------------------------------------
 17-19 | 3-5  | You are a slightly jagged member of society,
                life's okay but it could be better and you are 
                relatively naive.
-------+------+------------------------------------------------
 0-16  | 6-22 | What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!?   
       |      | Coffee's not good enough for you, huh? Here, have 
                some more TOFU! How about some ALFALFA TEA?!? YOU 
                COMMIE BASTARD!
=============================================================
+---------------------------------------------+
[from A Joke A Day]

What Cars Say About People
------------------------------------------------------
- Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports 
  cars. 
- Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.      
- Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.      
- Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.     
- Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.     
- Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.     
- Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell 
  them I have a 'Vette. 
- Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.     
- Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the
  government.     
- Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.    
- Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for
  Eisenhower.     
- Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.   
- Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny.
- Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)     
- Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.     
- Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change
  lanes when I pull up behind them.      
- Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.     
- Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.     
- Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better
  than no convertible at all.
- Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.     
- Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.   
- Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. 
- Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his
  reports. 
- Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is
  in the shop 280 days per year.      
- Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.   
- Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.     
- Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)     
- Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph. 
- Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named 
  Cole. 
- Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.     
- MGB - I am dating a mechanic.      
- Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.    
- Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.    
- Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List. 
- Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.  
- Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.      
- Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
  inaccessible to me. 
- Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too
  liberal
- Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)      
- Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car.  
- Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family
- Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now     
- Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.salonmagazine.com/21st/chal/1998/02/10chal2.html ]

             Haiku Error Messages  [from a contest]

                       W I N N E R S: 

                       Three things are certain:
                       Death, taxes, and lost data.
                       Guess which has occurred.

                       -- David Dixon 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Everything is gone;
                       Your life's work has been destroyed.
                       Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

                       -- David Carlson 



                       H O N O R A B L E __M E N T I O N S: 

                       I'm sorry, there's -- um --
                       insufficient -- what's-it-called?
                       The term eludes me ...

                       -- Owen Mathews 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Windows NT crashed.
                       I am the Blue Screen of Death.
                       No one hears your screams.

                       -- Peter Rothman 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Seeing my great fault
                       Through darkening blue windows
                       I begin again

                       -- Chris Walsh 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       The code was willing,
                       It considered your request,
                       But the chips were weak.

                       -- Barry L. Brumitt 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Printer not ready.
                       Could be a fatal error.
                       Have a pen handy?

                       -- Pat Davis 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       A file that big?
                       It might be very useful.
                       But now it is gone.

                       -- David J. Liszewski 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Errors have occurred.
                       We won't tell you where or why.
                       Lazy programmers.

                       -- Charlie Gibbs 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Server's poor response
                       Not quick enough for browser.
                       Timed out, plum blossom.

                       -- Rik Jespersen 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Chaos reigns within.
                       Reflect, repent, and reboot.
                       Order shall return.

                       -- Suzie Wagner 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Login incorrect.
                       Only perfect spellers may
                       enter this system.

                       -- Jason Axley 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       This site has been moved.
                       We'd tell you where, but then we'd
                       have to delete you.

                       -- Charles Matthews 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       wind catches lily
                       scatt'ring petals to the wind:
                       segmentation fault

                       -- Nick Sweeney 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       ABORTED effort:
                       Close all that you have.
                       You ask way too much.

                       -- Mike Hagler 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       First snow, then silence.
                       This thousand dollar screen dies
                       so beautifully.

                       -- Simon Firth 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       With searching comes loss
                       and the presence of absence:
                       "My Novel" not found.

                       -- Howard Korder 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       The Tao that is seen
                       Is not the true Tao, until
                       You bring fresh toner.

                       -- Bill Torcaso 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       The Web site you seek
                       cannot be located but
                       endless others exist

                       -- Joy Rothke 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Stay the patient course
                       Of little worth is your ire
                       The network is down

                       -- David Ansel 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       A crash reduces
                       your expensive computer
                       to a simple stone.

                       -- James Lopez 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       There is a chasm
                       of carbon and silicon
                       the software can't bridge

                       -- Rahul Sonnad 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Yesterday it worked
                       Today it is not working
                       Windows is like that 

                       -- Margaret Segall 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       To have no errors
                       Would be life without meaning
                       No struggle, no joy

                       -- Brian M. Porter 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       You step in the stream,
                       but the water has moved on.
                       This page is not here.

                       -- Cass Whittington 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       No keyboard present
                       Hit F1 to continue
                       Zen engineering?

                       -- Jim Griffith 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Hal, open the file
                       Hal, open the damn file, Hal
                       open the, please Hal

                       -- Jennifer Jo Lane 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Out of memory.
                       We wish to hold the whole sky,
                       But we never will.

                       -- Francis Heaney 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Having been erased,
                       The document you're seeking
                       Must now be retyped.

                       -- Judy Birmingham 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       The ten thousand things
                       How long do any persist?
                       Netscape, too, has gone.

                       -- Jason Willoughby 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Rather than a beep
                       Or a rude error message,
                       These words: "File not found."

                       -- Len Dvorkin 

                       - - - - - - - - - - - - 

                       Serious error.
                       All shortcuts have disappeared.
                       Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

                       -- Ian Hughes 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Jim owned a blue-green colored Volvo. It was a '72 however, making it
quite old and even Volvos don't last forever. When he was driving home
one afternoon and the engine fell through the engine mounts, his wife
brought up the subject of buying a new car. 

"Well, I've grown partial to this car, dear" said Jim. 

"But honey, this car is falling apart!" his wife exclaimed. The
argument went on for a while and the husband finally agreed that he
would buy a new car, but only another Volvo and only the same
blue-green color. It had to be the *exact* same shade of blue or he
wasn't interested. And so his quest began. 

"Nope. Are you sure they're made in that color?" asked all the Volvo
dealers in New York. He went to Connecticut and received the same
line. 

He went to Rhode Isalnd, only to hear "Nope - had one last week.
Couldn't sell it so we gave it to a junk dealer." Jim ran to the junk
dealer just in time to see the car of his dreams crushed. 

He travelled through Vermont. "Nope. Can't get one here." He tried
New Hampshire. "I don't think they make them." He went into Maine. "I
don't have one, but Charlie might. He's the Volvo dealer up in
Caribou." Anyone ever told you about Caribou, Maine? It is freezing
up there and is in the middle of nowhere. 

Unfortunately, at this point, an enormous storm system began to move
into the area and Jim was trapped at the dealership during the
blizzard. Two days later, when the dealer arrived to open up shop, he
found Jim standing by the door. Then the dealer opened the door, Jim
saw it. Right in the middle of the showroom floor was his blue-ish
colored Volvo. Perfect! 

Jim told the dealer of his quest, paid him the sticker price and was
about to leave when the dealer asked "Why did you spend so much time
searching for this color Volvo? Why did it have to be this turquoise
color?" 

Jim smiled and said, as he drove off... "Well, there's something
about an aqua Volvo, man" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

Stories from Flight Attendants.....
           apologizing for rough transport

  Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system,
  "Sorry folks for the hard landing.  It wasn't the pilot's
  fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."


  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
  hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline
  had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
  door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks
  for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of his bad
  landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
  thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally
  everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
  walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
  question?"  "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


  From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome
  aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt,
  insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just
  like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one,
  you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.  In the event
  of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from
  the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
  face.  If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
  mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two
  small children, decide now which one you love more.  Weather at our
  destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try
  to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember,
  noboby loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


  United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now
  painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all
  of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us
  today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as
  you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so
  called "touch down."


  Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
  on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
  Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
  landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
  and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats
  with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
  our airplane to the gate!"


  Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
  landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
  bounces us to the terminal."


  Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but
  I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your
  luggage."


  Student pilot to irate instructor:
  "Think about it.  I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling
  around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion
  reaction source at thousands of miles per hour.  This system is
  moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what
  speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6
  inches.  6 MEASLY INCHES!  You need to get off my back, man!"


  Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
+---------------------------------------------+
