2/21/98

[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age

1.  Home is where you hang your @
2.  The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3.  A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4.  You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5.  Great groups from little icons grow.
6.  Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7.  C:\ is the root of all directories.
8.  Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9.  Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.   (oh sure...)
18. In Gates we trust.    (yeah right....)
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

King John and King Paul had been at war for years, and King Paul was
getting tired of it. He decided to make peace between himself and King
John. So, he sent his eldest son, his most trusted Prince, to see King
John and arrange the peace. 

Well, the Prince traveled for days and finally arrived at King John's
castle. It was a huge stone fortress, surrounded by a deep moat which
was filled with tiny Piranha-like fish called Yellow Fingers. These
Yellow Fingers could strip a cow to the bones in minutes! So the
Prince yelled up to the guards, "Lower your drawbridge! I come from
King Paul to arrange the peace." 

They did lower the drawbridge, but just as the prince put one foot on
it, they yanked the drawbridge back up again, causing the prince to
flip into the moat, where he was eaten by the Yellow Fingers. 

When King Paul heard this he was very upset, but he was still
determined to make the peace. So he sent his most trusted Barons as
his emissaries. 

One by one they were tricked into falling in the moat. King Paul sent
his Dukes. They too were eaten by the fish. Finally no one was left n
the castle but a little page boy. 

"Page," said King Paul wearily, you are my last hope. You must make
the peace between King John and me. lad, and good luck." 

The page went to the drawbridge "I come from King Paul to arrange the
peace!" 

As they had done many times before, King John's men lowered the
bridge, then yanked it back up just as the victim put a foot on it.
But a strange thing happened! The page, instead of being eaten, waded
right across the moat, climbed onto the drawbridge, and entered the
castle. 

King John was so impressed by this that he made peace! 

So, what is the moral of this story??? ... Let your pages do the
walking through the Yellow Fingers. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/5127/phihumr1.html ]

How Did the Great Philosophers Die?

Thales: Drowning 
Parmenides: It wasn't anything at all 
Ockham: Cut while shaving 
Russell: Cut while being shaved - by one who did not shave himself 
Descartes: Stopped thinking 
Spinoza: Substance abuse 
Leibniz: Monadnucleosis 
Darwin: Natural causes 
Hume: Unnatural causes 
Kant: Transcendental causes (although it was his own idea) 
Paley: By design 
Heidegger: By Dasein 
Meinong: Climbing accident 
Neurath: Boating accident 
G.E. Moore: By his own hand, obviously  
Sartre: Nausea 
Pascal: Became despondent after losing a wager 
Wittgenstein: Tried to see if death was an experience one lived 
       through.  (Alternate: fell off a ladder) 
Hegel: Collision with owl at dusk
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List

QUIPS & QUOTES

Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.

A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
   But this output can be
   No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.  --Gigo

Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.

Schapiro's Explanation:  The grass is always greener on the other side
-- but that's because they use more manure.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.  --Art Leo

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
ones.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep.  --Woody Allen

Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.

There's no future in time travel.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
direction.

GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) -- Good news and bad news highlighted. 
Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget
it.  You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you;
everybody loves a sucker.  A short trip is in the stars, possibly to
the men's room.

Hardware, n.:  The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
always old-fashioned.

Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
--Charles Schulz

This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual
life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do
and where to go.

Kleptomaniac, n.:  A rich thief.  --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's
Dictionary"

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

... And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man  --A.E. Housman

... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...  --Mike
Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in
computer scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects ...

Colvard's Logical Premises:  All probabilities are 50%.  Either a
thing will happen or it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:  This is especially true when
dealing with someone you're attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary:  Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.

Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.  --Oscar
Wilde

Stult's Report:  Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to
do now is fight the solutions.

When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
loop?

Political TV commercials prove one thing:  some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.

The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jennifer Walker, via UGA Humor List]

    The Top 16 Ways the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas:

16. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by
    the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

15. Little Rock's most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street",
    forced to change its name.

14. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns
    out to be owned by Hillary Clinton.

13. The Big Event?  The 100m Sisterchase.

12. No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and
    skating on fresh bacon fat.

11. Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at
    muskrats and ATF agents.

10. Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic
    yodeling as a medley of all the different national anthems,
    "includin' all them new Russian ones!"

 9. Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors.

 8. Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by
    teary-eyed *hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas.

 7. Urine drug test magically transformed into "Distance Pissing
    Competition."

 6. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

 5. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award
    of gold, silver and bronze teeth.

 4. Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition.

 3. Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape
    and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

 2. Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to
    all them extra toes.

    and the Number 1 Way the Olympics Would Differ
               if Held in Arkansas...

 1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

IT'S TIME TO ABANDON YOUR SPACE STATION

* Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.... every day.... Campbell's pork &
beans in a tube.

* Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're
talking about, Comrade Dave."

* Space station's warrantee expired 3,834,261 miles ago.

* The damage is repairable, but ever since the collision, "Comrade
Janeway" has been screaming nonstop.

* Tang and Absolute screwdrivers have lost their kick.

* After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious
consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile
High" club.

* That last collision not only set off the emergency warning, it
ruined the last of your clean boxer shorts.

* Space walk reveals giant Burger King logo on outer hull.

* Russian Cosmonauts to be replaced with Rodney Dangerfield and Rosie
O'Donnell.

* On-board robot keeps flapping its arms about and crying, "Danger,
danger!  The Borgs, the Borgs!"

* Antenna mishap locks TV on the Nashville Network.

* After three agonizing weeks of intensive repair, you still can't get
the left turn signal to go off.

* Mission Control is now dialing the Microsoft help desk.

* Those darn trick or treaters won't stop ringing the doorbell.

* Captain James T. Kirk just beamed aboard and he looks really steamed
about something.

* Remaining living space is being rapidly consumed by free
America-On-Line diskettes.

* Cosmonaut goes for spacewalk with 20 pound sledgehammer to fix that
oxygen tank once and for all.

* Old ladies throwing cookies at you from their rooftops.

* You find yourself longing for the "Lost In Space" TV series.

* You just used the last roll of duct tape.
+---------------------------------------------+
 The Universe According To Dilbert
 By Scott Adams

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But
you still don't want to get any on you.

You are without romance or mirth... You must be an engineer.

The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard
and the crud behind the refrigerator.

I used to feel guilty about smashing bugs until I realized it's a
sport.

And in the news... Body parts were strewn for miles... Check your
sandwich.

Our company does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or
religion... unless the religions are bizarre and unpopular and can be
considered cults (and so may be freely discriminated against), or you
are a short, fat, bald, ugly guy (and can be picked on without
restraint), or are a nerd, smoker, or single person. Stupid people
may now also be discriminated against due to the failure of their
lobbying efforts.

I used to be clueless but I've turned that situation around 360
degrees.

Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad
dog!

There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.

All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your
problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them.

Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over
those who don't. And there will be a special name for them:
secretaries.

In the next hour, you will learn how to cope with guilt the Dogbert
way. And if you don't, well, it turns out I get paid anyway.

Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer... So, life will
feel awful, but at least it will last longer.

Before you defeat the competition, you must first subjugate the other
departments.

It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing
better to do with their lives.

Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of
unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time
for you? No? OK, we'll call back later.

If you have everything, gloat. When that gets boring, start your own
line of perfumes.

If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll
blame it on Microsoft.

Always put off dealing with time-wasting morons. If you would like to
know how... I'll get back to you on that.

There's more to science than just hurting small animals, but it's the
part that's the most fun.

What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot.

Knowledge is power... But power corrupts... And corruption is a
crime... And crime doesn't pay... So if you keep on studying you'll
go broke!

Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid
people have big mouths.

Time slows down as you approach the speed of light... But time flies
when you're having fun... So if you walk slower, do you have more fun
or do you just get more light?

It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere
animals, but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to
"championship wrestling."

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are
likely to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track
record.

Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.

Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying
to strangers.

To become one with your computer is to reach a state of... nerdvana.

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Maureen Jais-Mick, on Rehu]

 HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB AT.......

 Vanderbilt:  Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy
 to pay the bill

 Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the
 electrician

 Brown:  Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the
 experience

 Dartmouth:  None--Hanover doesn't have electricity

 Cornell:  Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under
 the pressure

 Penn:  Only one, but he gets six credits for it

 Columbia:  Seventy-six-- one to change the lightbulb, fifth to
 protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold
 a counter protest

 Yale:  None--New Haven looks better in the dark

 Harvard:  One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

 MIT:  Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs
 changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using
 that nuked lightbulb two to install it, and one to write the
 computer program that controls the wall switch

 Vassar:  Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual
 orientation

 Middlebury:  Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the
 perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion

 Stanford:  One, dude

 Oberlin:  Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get
 high off the old one

 Holy Cross:  Ten--one to change it, one back up if the first guy's
 too drunk and the other eight to pray that it works

 Georgetown:  Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about
 their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U.
 students

 Duke:  A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the
 bulb out of the socket

 Williams:  The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's
 nothing else to do

 Tufts:  Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how
 he did it as well as an Ivy League student

 Sarah Lawrence:  Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an
 interpretive dance about it

 Swarthmore:  Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it,
 it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress

 Boston University:  Four--one to change the bulb and two to check
 his math homework

 Wesleyan:  Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial
 complex and all that

 Connecticut College:  None--they are all too drunk to notice

 Virginia:  Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote on
 whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one
 to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's standing on, and
 another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.

 Bowdoin:  Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the
 bulb, one  to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it
 in

 Boston College:  Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to
 throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time

 Santa Clara University:  One--but you would never know about it
 because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their
 lightbulbs
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The French Revolution

At the height of the French Revolution, Robespierre, the man most
responsible for the Reign of Terror, was determined to capture a bold
and elusive count who was the head of an effective resistance movement
near Versailles. Finally, the count was captured, but all efforts to
persuade him to reveal the names of his associates failed. 

He was offered life imprisonment, plus the safety of his family.
Still, he would not answer. They tried the rack, but he continued to
refuse to talk. Finally, he was taken to the guillotine. 

At the very last moment, his nerve failed and he cried out, "I'll
talk! I'll talk! I'll tell all!" 

Alas, the blade had already been released , and it severed the
count's head clean as a whistle. 

Robespierre was outraged by the news and gave his executioner a
terrific bawling out. "How often do I have to caution you," he
thundered, ... "Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Rosenberg, via UGA Humor List]

The Rules of Men's Fashion

Rule #1: A man must never buy pants with the word "bottom" in the
name, such as "Cavernous Bottom", "Bulbous Bottom", "Bottomless
Bottom" or "My God, is that your Bottom?" jeans.

Rule #2: Before purchasing any item of clothing, a man must raise his
right hand and repeat aloud the following somber pledge: "I [your name
here] do solemnly swear that [clothes item here] does not make me look
like Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, Grease or Urban Cowboy. So
help me, John."

Rule #3: A man must walk out of the store if a clerk makes reference
at any time to his crotch, particularly the dreaded comment/accusation
"it's a little roomy in the crotch there, isn't it sir?" As for the
unexpected reverse crotch fabric yank and tuck maneuver executed at
many finer men's stores, you can expect to hear from our lawyers.

Rule #4: A man must show no hint of style or flair and strive at all
times to approximate Stalin-era work camp garb. To help resist the
urge to improvise, simply recall those 70's shirts with french street
scenes, long beagle dog collars, and absolutely no natural fibers.
These were once thought to be stylish. Men might still be wearing them
today, were it not for OSHA's landmark ruling that they were simply
too flammable for public use.

Rule #5: A man must never purchase clothes with visible writing,
unless it is related to sports or Bart Simpson. This is especially
true of Euro-sounding phrases like "Chunnel Boy" or sissified
concoctions such as "Mummsy's Yacht Club".

Rule #6: A man must never independently spend more than twenty dollars
on any item of clothing. Suits, and other big-ticket items are covered
in Appendix A: "Asking Mom for Help";

Rule #7: One item per category. If you are shopping with your mate and
she suggests "these slacks are nice," the proper response is "I
already *have* a pair of pants. When your one item is no longer
wearable, rise from the dinner table and announce with feeling "My
shirt is dead. I need a new one."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Naomi, on Rehu]

Why engineers make good husbands

Attention Women! Here are some reasons why you should choose an
engineer for a husband over other professions.

             Doctor

Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your
relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off
with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients
that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a
few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer. He had
a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely, he'll ever meet
another woman in his profession.

             Lawyer

(a) You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with
someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem
with your Engineer. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie
convincingly. (b) An additional drawback is when the divorce happens
you will get nothing.

             Sales

See honesty (a), under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to trade
shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally
untrustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the
invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your
engineer works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle,
until he is ready to go home to you.

             Hazardous professions, such as Police 
         Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker, etc

Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will like be
crippled with a back injury, etc just about the time you are at your
sexual peak. The only hazards that your engineer will face is losing
his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard
actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are
getting older, since he will be a blur. He will remember you as when
he first met you, because the memory will be the only way he can see
you. Also, when some beautiful girl walks by, and you ask "Honey, were
you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't
even see her.

             Teacher

The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be
surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He'll be in
jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from LJErste]

Watch Your Code

The National Westminster Bank in England admitted last month that it
keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer.  But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.

The institution decided to mass-mail 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services.  One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through the databases and select its
customers automatically.  He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich Bastard".  The luckless programmer was subsequently fired.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Gwendolyn E Eckman, via UGA Humor List]

THE "PREDICTED" TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS

10) Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
 9) Susan Lucci-Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps
    to accept an Emmy
 8) Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
 7) Frank Sinatra - Killed by Strangers in the Night
 6) RuPaul - Prostate Cancer
 5) O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real Killer" in an apparent
    suicide
 4) Madonna - Exposure
 3) Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage" 
 2) Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease

  and the "Predicted" NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH

 1) Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

    Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The 90s
           by Scott Adams (author of Dilbert)
           Windows Magazine, May 1995

I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
talkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number
are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say
they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who
spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not
exactly Kevin Costner. Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and
educated. And he stays home.

These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible
sex appeal. So what's the attraction?

I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have
the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single
blow to the forehead.

But that skill is becoming less important every year.

Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card
without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a
stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.

It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each
with its own evolutionary destiny:

Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-
corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in
tech support).

Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will
gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet
crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.

Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to
put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a
real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution
potential.

And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better
if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever
have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say,
retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month
and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener
for the next 70 years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate
with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying
suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look
like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow
of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I
know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman
who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I
realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the
most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.
They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of
elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you
see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If
this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong
circumstantial evidence alone.

I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in
pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the
problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at
tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question:
everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according
to the U.S government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate
aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but
it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco and firearms, so they must know a thing or two
about satisfying women.

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting
paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a
hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their
own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.
Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman
is going to look at them twice.

It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will
qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody
likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn
Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's
stupid, I've got 100 words to go.

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than
a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If
we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we
can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the
computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of
a PC in his underwear.

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.
It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Ty Smith


A man named Ty Smith found himself laid off from work one day.  After
going several months without work, he finally decided to lie about his
work experience, and managed to get a job as a cook at an old folks
home. Unfortunately, he was such a bad cook that he thought you had to
flip a pot of water over to get it to boil on both sides.

The first day on the job, the manager told him to make baked brie for
lunch.  Barely knowing what brie was, and not knowing how to bake it,
he took the wheel of brie cheese, put it in the oven, turned it on
high, and waited.  What came out of the over was a crispy brown lump
of melted and burned cheese.

When the manager saw this, he said to Ty "I thought you were a cook,
what in blazes happened?".  Ty, almost in tears, confessed to being so
scared of being out of work that he lied to get the job.

The manager then replied "Ty your yellow fibbin browned the old folks
brie".
+---------------------------------------------+
[Created by F.J. Brugman, posted on Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & 
Weird List]

TWENTY NEW MANAGEMENT STYLES

1. MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES

These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps
away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have
disappeared around the corner.

2. MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW

These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with
their hands in their pockets.  When you talk to them, their thoughts
keep staring out of the windows.

3. MANAGING BY POST-IT'S

Some managers forget everything.  They want to impress you with their
'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4. MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY

These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.  If He is
good, He knows what she must do.

5. MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING

These managers don't really know anything at all.  They let YOU give
answers.  Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of
irrelevant cases.

6. MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING

These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the
far future.  The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies
them: They will always have something to talk about.

7. MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION

Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret
kept information.  You must be very thankful to get any information at
all. Beware of simulants from category 5!

8. MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS

These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking.  Else they
got more work to do.

9. MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS

In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in
the corridor.  The more equal managers are directly followed by the
lesser equal managers, and so on.

10. MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS

If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also
wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.

11. MANAGING BY STUDYING

Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and
congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn,
the further they get from the practice.

12. MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS

Do you know them?  Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or
circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall
brilliance.

13. MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM

This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style.
 Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want.  Nobody ever
knows where these managers are.

14. MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS

This kind of managing is very popular.  It will give them within a few
hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15. MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE

In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really
necessary.  These managers will naturally prevent the organization
from having a better infrastructure.

16. BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)

This management style is ATRASACWOC.  (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And
Clearer Way Of Communication)

17. MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS

These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined,
terms.

18. MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION

If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19. MANAGING BY BELIEVING

These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues
at all.

20. MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES

If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that
promise is to low to remember.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

   Hey, What's the Definition of...

  Abusive
       What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?

  Amnesia
       I forget.

  Apathy
       I don't care.

  Bigotry
       I'm not going to tell someone like you.

  Blasphemous
       God Dammit, I told you not to ask!

  Compulsive
       I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!

  Conditional
       Well, it depends.

  Damnation
       You and your questions can go to hell!

  Dictator
       I'll tell you when you can ask questions!

  Dyslexic
       Gniees sdrawkcab.

  Egotistical
       I'm the best person to answer that question.

  Evasive
       Have you done your homework today?

  Exhausted
       I'm too tired to answer you right now.

  Flatulent
       That question really stinks!

  Greedy
       What's in it for me if I tell you?

  Hemorrhoids
       You know, this is a real pain in the butt!

  Hostility
       If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!

  Ignorance
       I don't know.

  Indifference
       It doesn't matter.

  Influenza
       You've got to be sick to ask me that question.

  Insensitive
       I don't care if you don't know the answer.

  Insomnia
       I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

  Intoxicated
       ** BURP **

  Irreverent
       I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

  Masturbation
       I can single-handedly answer that question.

  Narcissism
       Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?

  Nausea
       That question is going to make me vomit.

  Nonchalant
       It's not important.

  Obstinate
       I'm not going to tell you.

  Over-Protective
       I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

  Over-Sensitive
       How could you ask me a question like that?

  Paranoid
       You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?

  Pessimistic
       I'm sure I won't give the right answer.

  Procrastination
       I'll tell you tomorrow.

  Repetitive
       I already told you the answer once before.

  Secretive
       I can't tell you right now.

  Self-Centered
       Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

  Senile
       When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.

  Subjective
       It's all in how you look at the question.

  Suspicious
       Why are you asking me all these questions?

  Temperamental
       What the heck do you want to know that for???

  Withdrawn
       ""
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Juanita Brents, via UGA Humor List]

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching
Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors

  LATE HOMEWORK

1. When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks
for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be
awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have
time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.

  DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS

1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins,
announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's
lecture. Then leave.

2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class,
try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they
are going to flunk your class.

  LECTURES

1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use
the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up
with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing
this.

2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing
about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try
to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at
length. Then at the end of class you scold them for digressing and
tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book.

  GRADING

1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip
to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they
spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance.

2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to
quick and easy grading:

  20 % Name
  20 % Penmanship
  50 % Homework is stapled together
  10 % The work itself
  Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.

  GRADING ERRORS

1. If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their
exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam,
promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will
redirect the heat from you onto student A.

  EXTRA CREDIT

1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they
didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them.
Some good extra credit problems are:

    Solve the dining philosophers problem, using semaphores.
    Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64.
    Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity 
bit.
    Design a replacement for the 80486 chip.
    Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.

2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra
credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student
turns in the work, decide against it. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few
beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the _Fourth of July_. He
was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a
cruise. 

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from
her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap
because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. 

Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to
the marina. Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no
pain. 

When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up,
staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly
fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. ... 

Thus, it was that O.B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to
the dock side of the Fourth... 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

You Know Your Cat Is Overweight If...


>^,,^<  When he walks down the hall he resembles a watermelon rolling
downhill.

>^,,^<  His food dish is about as large as a satellite dish.

>^,,^<  He resembles a basketball after several treatments with
Rogaine.

>^,,^<  Small children run from him out of fear of being eaten.

>^,,^<  Large dogs run from him out of fear of being eaten.

>^,,^<  The last time he jumped down off the couch he left a crater.

>^,,^<  His beer belly is bigger than your father-in-law's.

>^,,^<  When he curls up to take a nap, nobody else can use the couch.

>^,,^<  The last time he ran, earthquakes were reported in Los
Angeles.

>^,,^<  You've never actually seen him run.

>^,,^<  The only string he'll play with is a sausage string.

>^,,^<  You've single handily kept Cat Chow in business.

>^,,^<  The last time you took him to the vet, they turned you away
because they had
no experience dealing with elephants with serious hairball problems.

>^,,^<  When you take him on vacation, the airlines always count him
as the equivalent of the 2 suitcase maximum.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Juanita Brents, via UGA Humor List]

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching
Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors

 CHEATING

1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each
others homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of
paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.

2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving
incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in
incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective at
this technique include:

   The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe, and
   Curly. 

   The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2. 

   The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS, and
   cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.

   The microphone is an output device.

   "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your
   hard drive for 60 seconds.

   MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP.

   When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows,
   you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
   memory.

   Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
   "sir".

   CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal.

   Structured Programming says that you can write any computer 
   program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, 
   Selection, and Guessing.

 LAB

You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to
assist with student's questions. Student's have been known to come up
with some real beauties:

      "Why should I save it?  I wasn't done yet."

      "My disk erased itself!"

      "Hurry up, I need help.  This was due last week."

      "Directory?  What's that?"

      "What do I need my textbook for?  I'm using a computer."

 Here are the solutions to the most common problems:

 P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing"
 S: Turn on the monitor

 P: "How do I get into Windows?"
 S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.

 P: "I can't get this computer to do anything."
 S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.

 P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file."
 S: Reprimand the printer.

 P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do."
 S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Mica, via UGA Humor List]

   MUSICAL QUOTES

  "There are more bad musicians than there is bad music."
  --Isaac Stern

  After playing the violin for the cellist Gregor Piatgorsky,
  Albert Einstein asked, "Did I play well?"  "You played
  relatively well," replied Piatigorsky.

  "The chromatic scale is what you use to give the effect of
  drinking a quinine martini and having an enema
  simultaneously."  --Philip Larkin

  "The sound of a harpsichord - two skeletons copulating on a
  tin roof in a thunderstorm."  --Sir Thomas Beecham

  "Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their
  harps and ten percent playing out of tune."  --Igor Stravinsky

  "Mozart died too late rather than too soon."  --Glenn Gould

  "Beethoven always sounds to me like the upsetting of a bag of
  nails, with here and there also a dropped hammer."
  --John Ruskin

  "Art is long and life is short; here is evidently the
  explanation of a Brahms symphony."  --Edward Lorne

  "I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by
  its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass
  with its claws."  --Charles Baudelaire

  "If the reader were so rash as to purchase any of Bela
  Bartok's compositions, he would find that they each and all
  consist of unmeaning bunches of notes, apparently
  representing the composer promenading the keyboard in his
  boots.  Some can be played better with the elbows, others
  with the flat of the hand.  None require fingers to perform or
  ears to listen too."  --Frederick Corder

  "In the first movement alone, I took note of six pregnancies
  and at least four miscarriages."
  --Sir Thomas Beecham on Bruckner's Seventh Symphony

  "What can you do with it?  It's like a lot of yaks jumping
  about."
  --Sir Thomas Beecham on Beethoven's Seventh Symphony

  Sir Thomas Beecham was once asked if he had played any
  Stockhausen.  "No," he replied, "but I have trodden in some."

  "Rossini would have been a great composer if his teacher had
  spanked him enough on his backside."  --Ludwig van Beethoven

  "Anton Bruckner wrote the same symphony nine times, trying
  to get it just right.  He failed."  --Edward Abbey

  "Schoenberg is too melodious for me, too sweet."
  --Bertolt Brecht
+---------------------------------------------+
[from a LOT of people]

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town.
The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try
to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the
greatest man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the
greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our
country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but
that's not the answer I am looking for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham
Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves
and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer,
but that is not the one I was looking for."

Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus
Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth
drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was
looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom
and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is
licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"

The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses,
and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[all from Stan Kegel]

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others
believed it was flat and that if you travelled far enough you would go
over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as
America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to
Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most
believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents
written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing
what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. His
first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen
hundred miles on a galleon."


As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a "tilde". Walt
Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's usage, and until
his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it's
potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of
my keyboard, I often feel like Walt's in my tilde.


There was an aged sailor I once knew. It seems that his mother was,
well, not one of the finest examples of humanity ever known. For one
thing, she was a hopeless alcoholic who spent every night in endless
bar crawls. She rarely paid her bar tabs, and relied on an endless
series of completely false sob stories to keep the local bartenders
from banning her from their establishments. One night, at one of her
favorite haunts, a drinking buddy of hers offered her some LSD. She
never remembered exactly what happened that night, but nine months
later, my old friend the sailor was born. Just goes to show you:
Combining acid with an alky liar produces an old salt.


There was this fellow who lived in Pomona, California, who happened to
be born with the name Harold Kissinger. Nixon and Watergate came
along, and he found himself frequently being teased about his name
because of the similarity to Nixon's Secretary of State. So he changed
it to Harold Simpson. Then the O. J. trials started and so did the
jokes. He was no better off than when he started. Finally he had his
name legally changed to Harold Levinski, thinking that would solve all
his problems. Now all his friends are beginning to ask, "I wonder
who's Kissinger now."


This was the day that could be the most important day in my career. I
had rented three adjoining rooms at the Four Seasons Hotel, where we
hoped to work out an agreement that would result in a merger of our
firms. I expected some heavy social drinking during our meetings and
went to the liquor cabinet to ensure that it was properly stocked. To
my horror and chagrin, I found the cabinet filled with bottles of
Angastora and little else. I called the manager and demanded that the
bottles be removed and the liquor cabinet be better stocked. He
refused stating, "You have to take the bitters with the suite."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her
three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke
up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement
in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm
getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed,
"Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest
daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.

"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter
spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said
with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the
good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine
tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the
future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother
Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began t he youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish
grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a
shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my
lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are
you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"

"PETER JENNINGS?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a
common tater!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Michael A Dimond, on Rehu]

YOU MAY BE A BUFFALONIAN IF__

*** your definition of a small town is a lake.
*** snow tires come standard on all of your cars.
*** you can identify an Alden accent.
*** you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
*** "down south" means Gowanda. 
*** you bake with "soda" and drink "pop". 
*** stop/slow/yield signs are an option, not a requirement. 
*** you can hold an entire conversation on the best place to go for 
wings. 
*** you see nothing wrong with watching fireworks Downtown on 
July 1st. 
*** you not only know what the terms "snowbelt" and "lake effect 
snow" mean, but you use them on a daily basis. 
*** you save the Genny cream ale for special occasions. 
*** you live within five miles of a bowling alley. 
*** you have used the term "dupa". 
*** not only do you know what it is, but you look forward to Dingus 
Day. 
*** you never put your winter jacket away for the summer. 
*** you like to order beef on "weck", and are always surprised when 
someone doesn't know what "weck" is. 
*** going to the ballet does not involve ballet shoes or toe dancing. 
*** you drive over 70 mph on the Thruway and pass on the right. 
*** you leave the ski lift tickets on your jacket year 'round. 
*** you know how to pronounce "Scajaquada" and "Cheektowaga" and 
"Depew". 
*** the rest of the country is snowbound in the worst blizzard of the 
century, but you still have to walk your kids to the corner to catch 
the school bus. 
*** you think nothing of crossing an international border for Chinese 
food. 
*** the acid rain is clearer than your drinking water. 
*** when you stop someone to ask for directions, you expect to get 
them. 
*** you keep the snowplow on the front of your truck all year. 
*** you give directions by saying "turn right" or "turn left" instead 
of "head north" or "go east". 
*** you have a  favorite Greek restaurant. 
*** you know Canada is west of here, not north. 
*** you shovel your car out in November, but the ski resorts have to 
make snow in January. 
*** when someone says they're from "the city", you ask which one. 
*** you think Jimmy Griffin is a real politician. 
*** you can't find anyplace to buy milk at midnight but the bars are 
open until 4:00 a.m. 
*** you can compute a wind chill factor. 
*** you can go to Allentown or Kaisertown but you can't go Uptown. 
*** you don't have to attend the Friendship Festival to hear it. 
*** you eat orange chocolate. 
*** you know the difference between imported and real Canadian beers. 
*** you think of football, not mail, when you hear the word "bills". 
*** you know there is no East Seneca, West Aurora or South Tonawanda. 
*** you have not been on the Maid-of-the Mist [unless you had 
out-of-town visitors.]
*** when in another city, you threaten the chef with false 
advertising after trying something called Buffalo wings on the menu. 
*** the winter carnival gets rained out. 
*** you call them Pilot Field and the Aud, no matter what the signs 
say. 
*** you know how to spell Scajaquada from memory. 
*** you use the term "party store" to describe a place where you buy 
beer, liquor and snacks
*** you have as many Canadian coins in your pocket as US ones. 
*** you define summer as three months of bad sledding. 
*** your child has watched Sesame Street in French. 
*** you refuse to eat Coco-puffs 'cause you have to smell them on the 
way to work every third day. 
*** you don't have  a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's. 
*** you know what Vernor's is. 
*** "gridlock" means driving home from a football game. 
*** four inches of snow just means having to brush off the windshield 
before going to work. 
*** you wince when someone uses the abbreviation "OJ". 
*** "rapid transit" means making all the lights green.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                          If AOL Were a City...


- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
spandex.

- You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be
assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great
AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99

- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
your yard.

- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from www.BS-R-US.com

- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.

- The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one
of those brutal toe stubs.

- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".

- The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
his worthless company somewhere else.

- Everyone on the street would have something to do with porn, and
this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

- Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! while anonymous callers called
your cell phone saying "Wanna do it"

- Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r
from the town council.  We had a database crash and lost your tax
records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
will be forced to evict you and your family."

- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"

- even your three year old son would know the intimate personal
details of the town security expert.

- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.

- Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
you'd foot the bill.

- Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
bashing in your door, throwing your butt on the floor, and kicking the
crap out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, bonehead.
ROFLMAO LOL!!"

- You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
they'd wind up studying one-handed typing and annoying acronyms.

- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
and vacate before sun-up.

- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
funds.

- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while
ripping down the swings and beating the crap out of kids currently
playing there.  Note:Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked
so that the kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons," and then
hordes of perverts are allowed in.

- The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the
city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY!  
YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no."  The voice
then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".

- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient Doom 2
patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
PkZip 2.04g

- Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical
land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair
city.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Tom Bombadil]

Clueless Thoughts

My Brain - it's my second favorite organ.
Woody Allen

What we call experience is often a dreadful list of ghastly mistakes.
J. Chalmers Da Costa 

If you open the window, sunlight comes in, but so do mosquitos. 
Chinese proverb 

It doesn't matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn't matter how
smart you are - if it doesn't agree with experimental evidence, it's
wrong. 
Richard Feynman 

Humans are the only species with the ability to reason. And, 
sometimes, they use it. 
Bell Helmets 

It means we're either really smart or really stupid. Whenever you're
greatly at odds with the rest of the world, one of those two things
is true. 
Nathan Myhrvold, microsoft chief technology officer. 

Illegitimus non carborundum est 
(Don't let the bastards grind you down) 
Credo nonnullos hic murtos esse 
(I believe some of the people here are dead) 
Henry Beard, Latin for Everyday Occasions 

Never argue with a fool - observers may not be able to tell the 
difference. 

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving
in words evidence of the fact. 
George Eliot

It is no use to blame the looking glass if your face is awry.
Nikolai Gogol 

Aesop's fly, sitting on the axle of the chariot, has been much
laughed at for exclaiming: What a dust I do raise! 
Thomas Carlyle 

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I
admire dogs. 
Alphonse de Lamartine 

A walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get one's feet
wet. 
National Lampoon 

It is one thing to show a man that he is in error, and another to
put him in possession of truth. 
John Locke

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their
apparent disinclination to do so. 
Douglas Adams 

Cats and monkeys, monkeys and cats - all human life is there. 
Henry James

Wit is like a razor. Razors are more likely to cut those who use
them when they've lost their edge. 
Gregory Benford 

Life is a sucking, swirling eddy of despair filled with brief
moments of false hope. 

Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated,
the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the
infinite shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would
not wear so wide a grin. 
Frank M. Colby

Every man is a fool for at least 5 minutes a day; wisdom consists of
not exceeding the limit. 
Elbert Hubbard 

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are
insane. 
Mark Twain 

There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. 
Goethe 

There are some people that if they don't know, you can't tell them.
Louis Armstrong 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

A controversy is raging this morning in the French Academy of Science
between factions of zoologists and paleontologists. The argument
centers on the identification of a fossil skull found by student
naturalists doing field work near the northern French village of
D'Eau-Remy. 

The more conservative scientists hold the majority position that the
skull is from an extinct species of Ape similar to the Barbary ape of
Gibraltar, which is the last living primate still found in Europe.
Spokesman for this opinion, Dr. Luke Monand of the University of
Lyons, stated that many types of primate roamed what is now Italy and
Spain about five million years age, and it has long been theorized
that some may have even traveled as far as the Franco-German border.

The lesser-held but more spectacular view stated by Auguste
Delacorde of the Natural History Museum of Paris declares that the
skull is from neither ape nor man and accepts the find as positive
proof of the existence of the legendary monster known to the ancient
Frankish tribes as "Tit-dos" (pronounced tee-doe), in many ways
similar to the North American Sasquatch and the Tibettan Yeti. 

The task of identifying the fossil has been given to Dr. Hardy
Froliche of the Museum of Life (Musee de la Vie) in Geneva and Isabel
Deschamps of the French Academy, both noted paleontologists. 

The European scientific community is now waiting the answer to one of
the most unusual problems ever encountered. Did the skull belong to a
well-traveled ape or is the .... D'Eau-Remy fossil a Tit-dos? 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Beth, on Rehu]

You know you are from Buffalo when.....

...when you plead with your mother to send sponge candy (hint hint)

...the highlight of your trip to Neimen Marcus is discovering they
sell DiCamillo's biscotti (and you pay out the nose for it) 

...you start shopping at Food Lion because they carry Vernors 

...you taunt your friends with the fact that one member of your
hockey team won a gold medal (and didn't trash their room) 

...you find Genny Cream ale marketed in supermarkets as a specialty
microbrewed beer (at $5 plus for a six pack) 

...your husband doesn't understand why you won't eat in any chain
Italian or pizza restaurant 

...can't celebrate Easter without either Niagara or Watson's candy 

...you discover that other areas of the country definition of a
family restaurant is Denny's (and they don't serve Greek) 

...you scare friends by singing the jingles to Tops and "your gonna
wanna come to Lakawanna" 

...you still have boxes from Hengerers, Sattlers, LLBerger, and
AM&A's 

...you have ever celebrated mother's day by shovelling snow 

...you may be living in texas but still under the thought pattern of
"it can still snow in May" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Allan Hjer3pe, on Rehu. Note: This is a JOKE!]

STATEMENT OF PRINCIPLES FOR THE RELIGIOUS HUMOR GROUP

While REHU is an open-minded and tolerant group, there is a certain
firm core of beliefs we all share, and perhaps it would be appropriate
to review these beliefs for the benefit of newcomers.

*** We oppose hug-dancing in which couples face and sometimes embrace
each other and thus simulate the s-x act. Square dancing, on the other
hand,  is a wholesome and healthy activity which does not condemn the
dancer to eternal torment. 

*** Playing cards in unacceptable. We refer, of course, to "spot"
cards. Games such as Old Maid or Authors are quite acceptable and
playing these games does not result in eternal damnation. 

*** S-x education has no place in the schools and should be limited
to home and church. There young people can be given appropriate
instruction on this subject. Basically the lesson given in decent
homes is simply: DON'T! Pre or extra-marital s-x is cause for
immediate damnation and those who indulge in such activities should
be lovingly and compassionately stoned to death. Equally evil is
marital s-x when indulged in for pleasure, since the only
theologically valid excuse for s-x is procreation. Young people must
be instructed in the dangers of masturbation, including insanity,
blindness, hairy palms, insanity, etc. 

*** The Bible (by which, of course, we mean the King James Version)
is the infallible and inerrant Word of God and is to be taken
literally. Hence, we oppose the teaching of the Heresy of Evolution
and espouse Biblical Math with pi having the value of an even 3. 

*** We are firm believers in religious tolerance. We support the
right of people to be devil worshipers, Moslems, Buddhists,
Catholics, feminists, Jews, Episcopalians, Unitarians, Secular
Humanists, or followers of any other heathen and perverted heresies.
People have, after all, the God-given right to condemn themselves to
eternal damnation. While we defend the rights of such people to
follow and espouse such beliefs, we believe that they should be
returned to their countries of origin to do so. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

On the job Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan  (SLEEP) 

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your office or cubicle

"It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that 
time-management course you sent me to."

"I was working smarter-not harder."

"Whew!  I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning  a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."

"I'm in the management training program."

"I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)
I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made you attend."

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about
work!"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

"Darn!  Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broke ... "

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

"I was cross-training for telecommuting.  (Next, I watch the
Waltons.)"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!"

"Wasn't sleeping.  Was trying to pick up contact lense without hands."

"The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to
avoid getting shot."

"Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I
hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and
the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that
the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to
be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra
strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its
environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as
well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A
Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with
a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free
1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set
aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we
will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Mica, via UGA Humor List]

   MUSICAL QUOTES:  Part the Second

  "He'd be better off shoveling snow."
  --Richard Strauss on Arnold Schoenberg.

  When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform
  his concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait."

  "I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if only
  to discover what a cranky prostate does to one's polyphony." 
  --James Sellars

  "Exit in case of Brahms."
  --Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of Boston
  Symphony Hall

  "Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like,
  it's always by Villa-Lobos?"  --Igor Stravinsky

  "His music used to be original.  Now it's aboriginal."
  --Sir Ernest Newman on Igor Stravinsky

  "If he'd been making shell-cases during the war it might have
  been better for music."
  --Maurice Ravel on Camille Saint-Saens

  "He has an enormously wide repertory.  He can conduct
  anything, provided it's by Beethoven, Brahms or Wagner.  He
  tried Debussy's La Mer once.  It came out as Das Merde."
  --Anonymous Orchestra Member on George Szell

  Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the
  Metropolitan Opera, that "George Szell is his own worst
  enemy."  "Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing.

  "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of
  giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."
  --Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.

  "After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a
  bordello and I won't let any of you enter."
  --Arturo Toscanini to the NBC Orchestra

  "We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps
  you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again."
  --Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal

  "Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night.  Mendelssohn lost."
  --Anonymous

  The great German conductor Hans von Buelow detested two
  members of an orchestra, who were named Schultz and
  Schmidt.  Upon being told the Schmidt had died, von Buelow
  immediately asked, "Und Schultz?"

  "Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."
  --Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

  "Parsifal - the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and
  after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch
  and it says 6:20."  --David Randolph

  "One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first
  hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time."
  --Gioacchino Rossini

   "I liked the opera very much.  Everything but the music."
  --Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress

  "Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the
  brake on."
  --Sir Thomas Beecham on an unidentified soprano in Die
  Walkyre
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Rhett, on Rehu]

                      NEW SOFTWARE ANNOUNCEMENT

                        PC WIFE for Windows

                       NOTICE! This is not Freeware!

Manual and Quick Reference Guide

>From the time you load this software, you are required to cash your
paycheck and send the entire amount to the address listed. We will
send back the money we think you will need each week.

Before installing,  read all instructions in this manual and make
several back up copies of the original disks.   This software has
caused hardware damage in some machines with short-tempered users.

RUNNING PC WIFE

Okay you lovebirds, dim the lights and open that bottle of
champagne. Insert  the install disk (disk 1) into one of the floppy
drives (A  or B).

At  this point an introduction screen will appear on the monitor. 
Press enter.   You will now be asked a few simple questions like 
those listed below.  Please consider your answers carefully.

    1. Are you married?
    2. Do you have any children?
    3. Have you been married before?
    4. How much money do you make? Alot?
    5. Do you want to have children?
    6. What time do you get home from work?

No answer is wrong.  Remember, this is for losers.   The program will
adjust  for any combination of answers.  Once you have answered all 
2,486 questions,  the  program  will automatically begin.   The
computer  must remain on at all times.  An Uninterruptable Power
Supply (UPS) would be a good addition to your equipment for full
enjoyment.

HOW IT WORKS

 There are several programs and files that are used in the operation
 of PC WIFE.  Do not delete any of these files.

 README.DOC- Who does? You might want to read this six months from
 now.

 P*SS.EXE-   Timed program, runs every afternoon.

 MOAN.DAT-   Data file used with P*SS.EXE.

 PMS.COM-    Program runs once a month, however, can also run at any
             time, or not at all.  (Do whatever it instructs!)

 WENCH.EXE-  Program runs when requested.  You may have to request
 this
             several times to get it to run.  Begging may help.

 B*TCH.EXE-  Program will run sooner or later. Be patient. Negative
             feedback aggravates the program.
             Note: Runs more frequently if you drink or are late from
                   work, or if you are late in complying with any PC
                   WIFE request.

 B*TCH.DAT-  Data file used with BITCH.EXE.

 CLEAN.EXE-  Merely a reminder program with a handy "clean the house"
             pop-up menu.  Failure to follow instructions given 
             carefully will result in more frequent executions of 
             BITCH.EXE.  Frequent running of BITCH.EXE could cause 
             more frequent action of PMS.COM.  This is not a 
             preferred situation.

 MIL.EXE-    A mother-in-law simulation program creates a noise
             similar to a parrot with its foot hung.  Running of 
             other programs in PC WIFE not complying with requests in 
             a timely manner will determine duration and volume of
             program execution.

 DINNER.EXE- A handy reminder program consisting of phone numbers for
             pizza delivery (or fine dining establishments).

SECRET FILES

 There are many hidden files in PC WIFE.   If you are lucky,  and 
 blessed with quick reflexes, you will not endure the wrath of these
 files.

REMINDER

 Sign the enclosed Warranty Death Beneficiary Registration Card before
 in- stalling this software.   Mail card and first paycheck 10 days
 before in- stallation of program.

REMOVING PC WIFE

Once PC WIFE has been running five minutes,  it will be in complete
control  of your house,  car,  and life.  If for any reason you are
unhappy with your PC WIFE, there is only one way to loosen its hold
on you.  Upon receipt of all deeds,  bank account holdings and
titles,  legally  signed over to our company,  we will gladly
terminate 90% of PC WIFE  functions. If  at any time a check for 75%
of your earnings is more than  five  days late in arriving, PC WIFE
will be reinstated with all hidden files on activated status.

DISCLAIMER

 The makers of PC WIFE hold no responsibility for damage,  medical 
 costs, loss of sanity,  financial ruin, or any other potentially
 adverse effects from running this software.

    Thank you very much for your purchase and continued support.

                         Till Death Do Us Part Software, Inc.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The Ad Campaign

An artificial sweetner company wanted to spruce up their image with a
big new ad campaign. The marketing department quickly divided into
two sqabbling factions. 

One group wanted to do a "Big Band Nostalgia" theme, sponsoring some
jazzy, happ'nin' musical events, while the other group was dead set
on a tribute to the classic, "Ben-Hur", complete with a real-live
re-enactment of the classic chariot race. 

As the deadline approached, no one would budge, so finally the two
sides were forced to compromise. When the big boss came to see the
finished product, he was presented with a snappy jazzy orchestra
seated in a giant Roman vehicle. 

"What is that?" he cried. 

"Well sir," replied his Vice President of marketing, ... " That is
the Sweet & Low swing chariot!"
+---------------------------------------------+
