3/3/98

[from Bill's Punch Line]

HOW TO MAKE YOUR WIFE CRAZY:

1.  Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

2.  Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a
    totally different subject.

3.  Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

4.  Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that
    she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that
    you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

5.  Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find
    yourself in Georgia when your original destination was
    California.

6.  Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

7.  Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

8.  Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

9.  Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments.
    (Argh!  Argh!  Argh!)

12.  Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13.  Answer every question with "Yes, dear."  (Use with caution as
     PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The Farm Boy

Clem Roberts was homesick. Here he was a succssful chief research
chemist for Revlon, but he would constantly dream of his younger days
on the family farm in Indiana. He would daydream of his happy youth,
milking the cows in the barn or washing the horses in the stabile. The
memories of the pigs and chickens sent chills down his spine. 

So it should come as no surprise that after a long day of creating
new exotic flowerly scents for perfumes for the hopeful debutante or
frustrated housewife, he would return to his laboratory at night and
work on his project for his personal satisfaction. And he succeeded
beyond his wildest hopes. He had managed to reproduce the fragrances
he had so longedly rememembered from his days on the farm. 

He realized that there were many others who felt the way he did and
approached the company supervisors with the thought of producing his
new fragrances as a new line of cologne for men. The executives
were thrilled with his samples and agreed to produce it and market it
with a major campaign starting with ads during March Madness,
realizing that farm boys, especially Hoosiers, love their basketball
more than any other sport. And in honor of Clem's innovative work, 
the advertising department named the new product after him. 

So as you watch the Final Four, watch for ads stating that to win the
love of your life, rush to your nearest drug store to purchase a
bottle of .... Robert's Rural Odors. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jack Shea, via UGA Humor List]

While working at Radio Shack about ten years ago this lady came in
and was hopping mad!  She had purchased a telephone 30 days prior and
now wanted a refund.  The other sales people could not calm her down
enough to make sense of her, so one of them came in the back to get
me. I came out and asked her what the problem was.  

She screamed; "I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!!"  

I told her that was not a problem and began writing up the refund
ticket. I was curious as to what could prompt this woman to be so mad
at her telephone, so I said; "Miss, what happened with this phone to
make you this mad?"  

She replied; "I STILL GOT MY PHONE BILL!!!".

I replied; "...and?"

She replied; "IT'S A CORDLESS PHONE!!!!"

She had been on the phone for a month calling all her long distance
friends and talking for hours because she thought it would be free
since the phone was cordless.

This actually happened at Radio Shack in Eastridge Mall - Gastonia,
North Carolina in 1989. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Steven L. Baur, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

 A New Version of rm(1) for DOD Contractors


     RM(1)                                                 {hfill}
            ------------------------------------------------

RM(1)

NAME
  rm - remove files

SYNOPSIS
  rm [ -fri ] [-A[ABCEFGHMRUbcfjlmnpru2]] file ...

DESCRIPTION

          The command _rm_ deletes each file argument from the system.
          There are a large number of options:

          -f   Forced remove.  Unwritable files are removed without
               _rm_ asking permission.  By default, _rm_ will ask
               permission before removing unwritable files.

          -r   Recursive remove.  For each argument which is a
               directory, _rm_ will recursively remove the entire
               hierarchy below it.  If this was successful, the
               directory itself is removed.

          -i   Interactive remove.  _rm_ will ask permission before
               removing anything.

          -A   Remove Ada files.  Ada files are those files that have
               an extension of .a or .ada.  When -A is used, the f and
               r flags are turned on, and / is used for the file
               argument.

          There are a host of modifiers.

          -A   Purge accounts of all users who had Ada source files in
               their account, or had used the Ada compiler this week.

          -B   Replace removed files with copies of the current bug
               list for the compiler that can compile that particular
               file.  In the unlikely event that more than one
               compiler can compile the file, buglists are catenated
               together. WARNING: This can consume an inordinate
               amount of disk space.

          -C   Remove all Ada compilers from the system.

          -E   Remove all executables produced by an Ada compiler.

          -F   Flame option.  After removing files, make a posting to
               comp.lang.ada describing exactly how well Ada works.

          -G   Replace removed files with copies of the GNU manifesto.

          -H   Honesty option.  Send mail to the Ada compiler vendor
               describing exactly how you felt spending $5000 for a
               compiler that didn't work.  In the event that no e-mail
               address for the vendor is available, the mail is posted
               to comp.lang.ada.

          -M   Mail source files to rms@mit-prep.mit.edu before
               removing.

          -R   Raw eggs option.  For every file deleted, print the
               string "Ada sucks raw eggs" to the system console.

          -S   Script option.  Delete shell scripts that call the Ada
               compiler too.

          -U   USENET option.  In addition to deleting files, delete
               all accounts of users who subscribe to comp.lang.ada.
               After deleting files and accounts delete comp/lang/ada
               from the netnews area.

          -b   Beat option.  Only valid in conjunction with the -E
               option.  Don't simply delete Ada compilers, beat them
               to death with a stick first.

          -c   Don't remove Ada source files, instead convert them to
               C++.  The extension is changed .c++.  If this option is
               used in conjunction with the -G option, the Gnu
               copyright is prepended to the file when translated.

          -f   Force option.  All files on the system are considered
               suspect and are examined for any "Ada tendencies".
               Files containing any "Ada tendencies" will be deleted. 
               This is the only way to delete makefiles for Ada 
               programs.

          -j   Jerry Falwell option.  In addition to deleting files,
               burn all copies of the Ada Reference Manual.

          -l   Lose option.  This can only be used in conjunction with
               the -C option.  Instead of deleting Ada compilers,
               replace them with a shell script that prints "You
               Lose!" when invoked.

          -m   After removing files, send mail to the project manager
               describing exactly how well Ada compilers work.  If
               this option is used, a resume is also posted to
               misc.jobs.resumes.

          -n   Network option.  Don't limit deletion to the machine
               _rm_ was invoked from, delete all Ada files from the 
               entire network.

          -p   Pascal option.  Translate Ada source files to Pascal.
               The extension is changed to .p.

          -r   Run /usr/games/rogue while deleting Ada files.

          -u   UUCP option.  Similar to the -n option.  Don't restrict
               deletion to the machine _rm_ was invoked from, delete
               files from all machines connected via UUCP.

          -2   Translate Ada source files to Modula 2.  The extension
               is changed to .m2.

FILES
  $HOME/resume for the -m option.
  /usr/ada/bugreports/* for the -B option.

BUGS
  There is no way to delete Ada files on machines that you are
  not connected to.

  The -A option was written in Ada, so of course it is ugly
  and non-portable.
+---------------------------------------------+
[two from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

MICROSOFT PURCHASES IDAHO

REDMOND, WA (DPI) -- Microsoft CEO Bill Gates announced that the
computer software giant had acquired the state of Idaho over the
weekend.  "Well, we were kind of running out of office space here in
Washington, so I had to do something," Gates said.  "Besides that, it
seemed like a good business deal.  We eat an awful lot of French fries
around here."  The Department of Justice is looking into allegations
that the purchase of the Windows 95 operating system will be made a
requirement for all residents wishing to remain in the state.

Reported by Tristan Fabriani
The Daily Probe, January 26, 1998 <daily@walrus.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MICROSOFT ACQUIRES "MICROSOFT ACQUIRES"

REDMOND WASHINGTON (AP) -- Microsoft announced today that it, like
thousand of computer users everywhere, was tired of spoofs of
Microsoft Acquires.  Users of the Internet have been bombarded in
recent months by spoof announcements of "Microsoft Acquires."  Recent
announcements have included Microsoft acquiring Christmas, the year
1995, and the Vatican. Therefore, Microsoft spokesmen announced today
that they had acquired the rights to all further "Microsoft Acquires"
announcements.

Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.topfive.com - see below]

                         March 2, 1998

     The Top 15 Signs You're Being Stalked by a Leprechaun

15> Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre
    Dame bumper sticker.

14> Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that
    green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.

13> Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.

12> You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and
    a dying career.  (Oops!  That's a sign you're being stalked by
    Chaka Khan.)

11> You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.

10> Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads,
    "I bet you're magically delicious!"

 9> When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing
    from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."

 8> Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and
    Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.

 7> Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.

 6> Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your
    shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"

 5> Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your
    car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.

 4> Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's,
    Chester.

 3> Whitewater Special Investigators are taller, wear more
    conservative suits, and have a snottier disposition.

 2> Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes
    dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.


 and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by a Leprechaun...


 1> Tiny scary person -- check.
    Gold -- check.
    Ears that stick out -- check.
    Ice skates -- wait a second, ice skates?!?!


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You were born somewhere else.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs you worry about are electronic.
Your car has bulletproof windows.
Left is right and right is wrong.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by. 
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it. 
You drive to your neighborhood block party. 
Your family tree contains "significant others." 
Your cat has it's own psychiatrist. 
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them. 
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
More than clothes come out of the closets. 
When "The Dead" are best live. 
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. 
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse. 
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers. 
Smoking in your office is not optional. 
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater 
    and a wetsuit for the beach. 
When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch." 
Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news. 
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman. 
You consult your horoscope before planning your day. 
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery. 
When all highways into the state say: "no fruits." 

+---------------------------------------------+
[all from Stan Kegel]

Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge the new
edition. "We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more,
they've gotta go," Said the chief editor. "It's time we faced the fact
that .... we can't have archaic and edit too."
+--------------------------------------+ 
A blonde I know decided to have twelve clones made of herself. When 
she went to the clinic, she found it was a bleak brick house without 
any windows. When she asked the clone arranger why there were no 
windows, she was told that ... people in glass houses shouldn't grow 
clones. 

As the clones were growing up, she would never be allowed to take them
out for a walk because ... you'll never walk a clone.

What disturbed her the most was that every time she would visit them,
they all would be yelling at the top of their lungs. When she asked
why they yelled so much she was told that this was to be expected as
... she had ordered a dozen I scream clones.
+--------------------------------------+ 
Noren Eron, the great Norse comic decided to bring his act to 
America. He booked several shows in the northern states and did well. 
He then took his act down south, but he realized that the farther 
south he went, the less the crowd appreciated his act which had the 
poor guy miffed. When he got to the Deep South, no one got his act at 
all. After many disappointing sets, he just quit one night and 
returned to Norway. This goes to show you, ... You should never book 
a miffed Norse in the south.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.topfive.com - see below]

     The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part I)

16> PVC crack pipes

15> Howard Sterno

14> AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun

13> Stud-Muffin Finder

12> DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover!  Fits most popular belt sanders.

11> Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy

10> Pee Wee Herman light switch plates

 9> VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic

 8> Richard Simmons "Spackling to the Oldies" video

 7> Lewinsky Leaf Blowers

 6> The TurboBidet 2000

 5> Time-Life's "So, You're A Moron With A Workshop" Books

 4> Caulk Rings

 3> The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter
    would-be toupee thieves)

 2> Goose Tape


    and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item...


 1> "Hoe House" shag-carpeted tool sheds


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.topfive.com - see below]

    The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part II)

16> The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead

15> The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder

14> Black and Decker Nipple Sanders

13> Lee Press-On Nails

12> Approximo Knives

11> The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision
    Attachment

10> "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!"

 9> The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant"
    and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately)

 8> Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video

 7> Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver

 6> Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon

 5> Nine Inch Tacks

 4> Monkey Wenches

 3> "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!"

 2> Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure


  and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item...


 1> The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth, on Rehu]

Some Australian Humor

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress costume party with nothing but
a naked girl on his back.

"So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly.

"I'm a snail," the bloke replied.

The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you've
got is that naked girl on your back?"

The bloke replied. "That's Michelle".

============================

STRAIGHT out of the Australian edition of the Family Circle editor's
waste-basket comes a short list of suggestions that never made it to
their Handy Hints section.

HELP the local police by popping in to the mortuary each day to see if
you can identify any of the bodies. J. Lewis Mailand, NSW

NEVER do your shoelaces up in a revolving door. Mr M. Adeye Churchill,
QLD

HELP blind people in the post office by licking their stamps for them,
or teach their dogs to do so. J. Lewis Mailand, NSW

HANG Brussel Sprouts on the end of a piece of string. Hey Presto!
Edible Christmas decorations for the kids. Mrs I. Jones Holmwiew, QLD

GOLFERS! Empty egg boxes make ideal containers for your golf balls.
Except that they're a little bit too small. J.Frey Hughes, ACT

USING string, nails and pulleys, it is possible to turn on the taps in
the bathroom from your living room. E. Barnpot Manning, WA

A CORK dangling from the end of a long stick can be used to chase
flies harmlessly out the window. Mrs Doris Peterson Aroona, QLD

WHEN searching under the table for a hatpin, I always wear my
husband's motorcycle helmet as I invariably bump my head when
getting up again. Mrs. N. Coquet Beenleigh, QLD

DON'T invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may
find the offer of 'cold turkey' embarrassing or offensive Steven
Howlett Bagdad, TAS

CONVINCE friends that you have become a member of the Socialist
Workers' party by standing on street corners and ranting away on
subjects about which you know nothing, and never washing. Karl Lyall
Woolloomooloo, NSW

SAVE time when playing darts by attaching a length of string to each
dart. After throwing, a sharp tug on the string will return the darts
to you. Patrick Matthews Macquarie, ACT

When it's your round, carry all the drinks back by covering them with
cling film and putting them in your pockets. D. Porter Rokeby, VIC

KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle. Dave Parsnip Strathfield, NSW

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and going to the
door every two minutes to see if anyone is there. S. Shepherd
Ponsonby, NZ

Fumes from burning settees can be lethal, so before sitting down
always look around and plan your escape route in the event of a fire.
D. Purnell Tuross Head, NSW

A FEW drops of ordinary car engine oil mixed with your maple syrup
helps it flow more smoothly from the tin. Dave Moore Highgate, WA

AVOID cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away. I. J. Alexander
Gosford, NSW

SAVE electricity. Turn all your lights out and walk around the house
wearing a miner's hat. D. Purvis Masterton, NZ

WHEN a program you dislike comes on TV simply turn down the volume and
close your eyes until it is finished. J Drallop Daymar, QLD

AVOID laziness by screwing your TV remote control to a piece of
furniture at least ten feet from your chair. Hapag Lloyd Murray Town,
SA

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling
wrap and press them into your eyes. D. Stokes Bentleigh East, VIC

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr KVL 741 Jesmond,
NSW
+---------------------------------------------+
[from David A. Rinke II, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird 
List]

TOURISTS, AND OTHER FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT
by, Tom Ace, Carnivorous Vegetarian

As many of you do not know, I have been on vacation.  But enough of
that.  I know none of you want to hear about my vacation but seeing
as how I really don't care what you think I'll tell you all about it.
Vacationing is a very popular pastime.  Way up there with weasel
hunting on elephant shaped sharks. When people are on vacation there
are several things they can do.

  1. Rest on the beach
  2. Walk around in funny hats, loud shirts and camera's the size of
minor third world countries.
  3. Stay locked in the hotel, live off room service, drink bottled
spring water which is actually tap water sold in bottles, which as 
soon as you take the slightest sip of it, and swish it in your mouth 
you will feel strikingly refreshed and one point three seven seconds 
later you will be breaking world records in the 12 metre sprint as 
you try to reach the bathroom on time.  After remaining in the 
bathroom for a long time (three months) you will get up and leave the 
hotel and get as far away from civilization as possible.  It is then 
that your face will expand twenty times its normal size and turn a 
nice bright shade of red as you try and hold in the second coming of 
the trots, twenty times more fierce than the first and only found 
when you are not in running distance of a toilet.  Three and two 
thirds of a second later, mere milliseconds before the big blast, you 
will be abducted by aliens.
  4. Go home.

I vehemently wanted to rest on the beach, taking only short breaks for
nap-time, but the people I was with, being a bunch of goober-heads,
decided to go on a tour.  Seeing as I didn't want to be left out, I
decided to try and fit in, by A) Wearing a funny hat and B) Refusing
to speak any language other than Esperanto piglatin with a lisp.  My
reasoning is that most tourists only speak English (even if they come
from Paraguay) no matter where they are on this great planet of ours. 
(Which is kind of amazing seeing as how as soon as they come home, if
they live in New York and happen to drive a cab, they seem to forget
any form of language they have ever known.)  What these tourists don't
realize is that local people in the country you are visiting do not
speak English.  It is a known fact. Here is a typical conversation,
from a tourists point of view and a local persons point of view.

Tourists Point Of View

Tourist:  Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the central bus
station.

Local Person:  Dis Icht Von Big Booger ovv der touristo.

Local Persons Point Of View

Tourist:  Eqsqueze Miii, kin yu taal mi chow chew gchet tzo ze central
bus station (Literal translation in local language of choice:  I need
to squat pit chicken flannel republicans on the central bus station.)

Local Person:  This is one big booger of a tourist.

My point being that if the tourist refuses to speak the local language
of choice (Prussian) he will not be understood, and he might as well
be speaking Esperanto piglatin with a lisp, and so, I did.

My group of tourists and I got on a tour bus that says in nice big
green letters this is a tourist bus.  I believe this was meant to 
give shop owners ample time to jack up the price of every useless 
little souvenir trinket in the useless little trinket souvenir shop.  
There are several ways to jack up the price so even a veteran tourist 
will not realize the prices are even more outrageously overpriced 
than usual.

They are:

  1. The sticker change.

This is done buy simply changing those little price stickers of each
of the trinkets.  Of course this is very time costly and turnips
never grow well when planted to late in the spring.

  2. The Currency conundrum.

(I may or may not have used conundrum improperly, so what, I'm using
big words so that I sound all sophisticated.)  The way this works is
that all prices will be marked in numbers but it will not be marked in
which currency the price is.  Then the shop keeper tells tourists the
price is in dollars, but in local currency of choice for local
people. This works something like this:

     Local Person:  How much is this oversized gold plated platinum
diamond encrusted ruby covered trinket with two year warranty?

     Shop keeper:  150 million quedjitsasolas (250 billion
quedjitsasolas to the American penny)

     Local person:  Wow, you raised your prices from last week.

     Tourist:  How much for this stick of gum?

     Shop keeper:  Twenty thousand American dollars please.

     Tourist:  O.K., I'll take two.

   3. The speak in foreign languages trick.  It just so happens that
this happened to me.  I was at a flea market in a foreign language
speaking country, a foreign language of which I happened to
understand and speak fluently, well I could understand pretty good at
least.  As I was walking through the market a person called out the
price of his stuff that he was selling.

(Warning!  The following section requires an understanding of foreign
languages.)

(Achtung!  Le following section requit le understanding dune cheval
qui mange un chat.)

     Person in market:  le pied de Elvis!  le pied du Elvis Cinquant
pieces!
     (Translation:  The foot of Elvis!  The foot of Elvis, fifty
dollars)

     English speaking tourist:  How Much does Elvis' foot cost?

     Person in market:  Only one hundred dollars.

     English speaking tourist:  It looks as though it is not so fresh.
I'll give you ninety five dollars for it.

     Person in market:  I tell you what.  Give me Two hundred five
dollars and I'll give you both feet.

     English speaking tourist:  You got yourself a deal.

After a tour of every overpriced boutique in business, my touring
group (pronounced groop) actually went to tour some real overpriced
tourist attractions in the form of rocks.  "Now if you look at this
rock carefully with your eyes crossed a 3D image will magically
appear" is the type of thing the tour guide would say as we tried
inhaling fumes from every semi narcotic plant we could find.  Other 
tourist attractions included, in no particular order, buildings with 
people still living in them, buildings with no people living in them, 
the zoo and the bathroom.

Tourist 1:  Look Honey, look at the great view.  Lets take a picture!

Tourist 2 (her name is not really Honey):  That is the bathroom.

Tourist 1:  And Look at the great architecture.  The tiles placed with
such exact accuracy.  I wonder which empire built it.

This is another problem with tourists.  They Have to take a picture of
every little thing they see.  "Oh!- My!!  I absolutely must take a
picture of that strange green and brown formation," Is something you
hear quite often coming from the mouths of tourists.  This is usually
followed by the reply "That is my toe fungus you dolt."

Thousands of years ago, when mankind first started to inhabit caves,
entertainment was scarce, but every day, all the cavemen would gather
in circles and stare at all of the people wearing those ridiculous
looking mammoth skin clothes.  A giggle would start, followed
eventually by uncontrollable laughter.  "Those stupid tourist will
wear anything" is the type of thing the average local cavemen would
say through his laughter, while slapping his Armani suit pantleg.

Mankind has come a long way since then.  Tourists no longer wear
mammoth skin clothes to try and fit in with the locals, most probably
because they have found much more ridiculous things to wear, to try
and fit in with the locals.  Here in Israel, there is a standard garb
that all tourists must wear.  In the form of a funny looking hat.  
The locals call this garment, in their language of choice (Hebrew), A 
"KOVAH TEMBEL", which when translated to English, this is really 
true, means dunce cap.  This of course does not stop the tourists 
from thinking they are dressing exactly like the locals, that they 
are fitting in.  To understand we must know what is on the tourists 
mind at all times.  A tourists brain is thinking something like this.

Tourists brain:  Do di do di do, tum de dum de dum, la de da de da.
oooooga boooga, ojo-bojo. Broooooooooooosky!

As you can see, the tourists brain is obviously a very complicated
place, and it is therefore very difficult to understand why he would
think that wearing a dunce cap would make him fit right in with the 
locals.  This also helps to explain why many tourist feel the need to 
wear a shirt that looks as though someone has just lost their lunch 
all over it, when visiting warmer places, such as Hawaii and hell.  
What this does not explain is how tourists, in their right minds (as 
opposed to their wrong minds) can spend up to 50 billion times the 
gross national product of their country of origin when on vacation 
(usually in under fifteen minutes).  A normal person, on a normal 
budget can turn into a dollar spouting spendaholic just by going on 
vacation.  It happens very quickly, as the case below shows quite 
clearly.

Person:  Golly gosh, these prices sure are expensive here in my
country of origin, seeing as I am not a tourist.

Person steps on plane:  gimme gimme gimme, I'll pay anything,
argggghhhh, ahhhhhhh unghh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Please gimme gimme

Stewardess:  I'm sorry sir, the bathroom door (with that cute little
occupied/vacant switch) is not for sale at the moment (Thursday; 1:15
PM. Year of the Mouse).  Trying to wrench it free will only cause us
to skip you when we hand out the complimentary hot towels.

It seems as though this amazing phenomenon will remain a mystery for
the time being.

After a hard day of touring, the tour group I was with decided,
because they wanted to relax, to go tour some more, with the
occasional stop to light some money on fire.  They decided that the 
easiest way to do this was to take a taxi.  They forgot, however, to 
take several things in to account. They are, 

    * A) The place they wanted to tour was across the street from the
hotel where they were at the moment.

When the taxi driver was told the destination, he was a good sport and
did not want to embarrass anybody and so he took us on a ten minute
drive and charged us accordingly.  When we finally arrived, everyone
noticed that we were across the street from where we began.  This did
not surprise me, what did was that after we were done touring, they
insisted on taking the cab back to the hotel.

Alrighty then!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jon Bisbey, via UGA Humor List]

Once, a group of American Amish farmers were traveling on an exchange
program in Ireland. They stopped to inspect a peat bog, and were
dismayed to see how the local farmers were collecting the peat: they
would dig up a few bricks worth and pile it on the back of the town
fool, who only had a vague notion of what was going on, and he would
then stumble over to a wagon and fling it in. Well, the American Amish
farmers were shocked at this display of cruelty and exploitation, and
demanded that the practice should stop at once. The next day, the
newspaper headlines read: Americans express: "Don't heave loam with
thou twit!

-----------------------------------
[from Jon Bisbey, via UGA Humor List]

A certain white whale and a tiny herring were inseparable friends.
Wherever the white whale went in search of food, the herring was sure
to go.  One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of
Norway without his companion.  Naturally, all the other fish were
curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his
whale friend. "How should I know?" the herring replied, "Am I my
blubber's kipper?"

-----------------------------------
[from Stan Kegel]

An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a
frantic farmer in Australia. "Help sir!" he cried, "I just got braces
and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep
orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come
care for my flock!" The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was
offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be
a week or two of work. But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar
with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent
a whole 6 months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces.
When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of
frustrating work, he sighed with happiness. "At last", he said, ....
"I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Mohamed El-Nadi, via UGA Humor List.  From the date, it is 
obvious that this is an OLD joke, but is it from 1997 or even 
earlier?]

For the first time in, oh.. a decade, I think, something from
Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8
pounds 6 ounces, when she was downloaded, er.. born on Friday, April
26 at 6:11 p.m.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party
support.

2. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't
help.

3. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which
proceeded them.

4. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow
and grow and grow with each passing year.

5. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

6. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement
and the actual release.

7. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Susan A. Leonard, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird 
List]

LANGUAGE TRENDS OF THE FUTURE

There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in
all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the
future.

In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel.  All
consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear,
leaving only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..."  Meaning will be inferred
from facial expression.  Written French will stay exactly the same.

These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to
Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.

In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other
vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.

Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other
alphabets in the world.

The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin
alphabet, only backwards.  A mirror will suffice for translating
Russian into Polish.

Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word.  Plus
a verb at the end, of course.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Mike Avery, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

DILBERTNESS & BOSSES

My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections.  She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and
she couldn't edit it.  The disk I gave her was write-protected.

------- 

Quote from a recent interview:  "You are a top flight candidate and I 
see that you have a lot of education.  However, you understand, that 
intelligence is not really required for this job."

------- 

My Boss is a lot like a single sperm:  there is a
one-in-three-million chance that he will ever become human! 

-------

Quote from the Boss:  "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'
say." 

------- 

How About Friday:  My sister passed away and her funeral was
scheduled for Monday.  When I told my Boss he said she died so that I
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.  He then
asked if we could change her burial to Friday.  He said, "That would
be better for me." 

------- 

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." 

------- 

A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases
this year (even though management got theirs).  We made up a bumper
sticker and stuck it on the Boss's new Lexus.  It reads, "How's my
managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!" 

------- 

We recently received a memo from senior management saying:  "This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned above." 

------- 

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow would be soon
enough.  He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" 

------- 

I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate
the possibility of cancelling the fire insurance and buying a used
fire truck for the employees to man. 

------- 

To my previous Boss of 3 painful years:  I worship the ground that
awaits you. 

------- 

Speaking the Same Language:  As director of communications I was
asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and
materials.  In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned
the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was
called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive
vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.

When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"
working in her company.  Finally he showed me her copy of the memo,
with her demand that I be fired -- and the word "pedagogical"
circled in red.

The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up
in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to
her, he told me not to worry.  He would take care of it. Two days
later a memo to the entire staff came out -- directing us that no
words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could
be used in company memos.

A month later I resigned.  In accordance with company policy, I
created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper. 

------- 

Stick With Me:  Our consulting group received a new manager.  She
recently had received control over another business line as well,
which gave her a sense of power and grandeur.  In the very first
meeting with her she told the group "Stick with me!  I am building an
empire at this company, and I am going to need little people like you
to be Kings and Queens!" 

------- 

SUBJ:  Dilbert Strikes Again

I am not making this up.  This gem is the closing paragraph of a
nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company:

"(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant
attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing
emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the
expectations of quality!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on
himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process,
and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. 

He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his
diminuitive size didn't affect Walter's work too much. Still, after a
while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab
assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a
couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and
keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the
process. 

The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young
ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to
travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to
double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. As soon as they
stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray.

There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had
cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were
before. 

"What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter
scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. 

Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because
the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows .... you can
lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Anne Davis, on Rehu]

These might make the Duncan Hines' eat-if-you-dare list...

The 8 Worst Convenience Foods

8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice,
which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit,
well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal
benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.),
which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the
disease.

7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best
thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep
on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat  me
already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked
mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to
have all the mutton bases covered.

6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really
looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to
learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our
recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then,
that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains
and scrambled eggs.

5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its
size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance
(it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may
change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new
meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the  bone."

4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a
scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy
flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat,to be precise. But what
did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes
Vegemite?

3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar
Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern
snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually
blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at
these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good
may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old
question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on
Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread.

1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can
prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product
does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always
found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried,
shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from JD STONE, via UGA Humor List]

The Computer Expert's Glossary

ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an
ADA awareness."

Bug: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it
incorrect.  The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a
program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the
bugs are removed.

Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer
that no one is supposed to know is there.

Design: What you regret not doing later on.

Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for
English speaking persons.

Economies of scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular,
that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better
to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of
faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. 
Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and
all those limitations.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Information Center: A room staffed by professional computer people
whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you
require.

Information Processing: What you call data processing when people are
so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.

Machine-independent program: A program that will not run on any
machine.

Meeting: An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide
what person or department not represented in the room must solve the
problem.

Minicomputer: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a
middle-level manager.

Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in
the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
computer.

Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn
over in his grave if he knew about it.

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system
works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was
rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.

Priority: A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often
expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly
than someone else.

Quality control: Assuring that the quality of a product does not
get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.

Regression analysis: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand
why things are getting worse.

Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until
sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

Systems programmer: A person in sandals who has been in the elevator
with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a
phone call you are to receive from your boss.

i.e.  I refuse to reinstate his/her password/logon, he/she is a
menace!.......don't laugh, I've seen it happen......more than once.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://members.aol.com/Ovrecote/tamagotchi.html ]

ONE MILLION SOUTH KOREAN TAMAGOTCHIS TO BE RESET

SEOUL -- In the wake of a veritable epidemic of virtual Tamagotchi
flu, government officials have dispatched several dozen "reset squads"
to rural areas in an effort to put some one million Korean Tamagotchis
to untimely ends, a move some say may place local Tamagotchi herders
in severe economic hardship while they wait for the last units to be
reset to the original factory settings, a process that may take
upwards of one Tamagotchi year, or 24 hours Earth time.

"My Tamagotchi had four heart happiness and two heart discipline
before the squad came yesterday," said a visibly put-out Hiro
Ran-Sawa, 8. "Now it set back to factory setting.  My gotchi not even
hatch yet now."

Community leaders argued vehemently for the past two Tamagotchi
months, or four earth hours, with Korean officials, insisting that the
Tamagotchis not be reset.  "My gotchi get big, then boom, back into
egg again," adds Hiro.  "My gotchi not even sick.  I use medicine when
he feel bad.  He not even sick and he egg now."

"What we have here is a desperate action at a desperate moment," notes
Marcus O'Malley, author of the definitive tome "Life in the Balance:
The Tamagotchi Plea," an eerily prophetic collection of essays that
describe a theoretical situation not unlike the current dilemma in
Seoul.  "If the Tamagotchis were not effectively reset, this flu could
prompt the LCD image of the creature to mutate, making it beep in an
unruly and annoying fashion, and making the Tamagotchi image to appear
bloated and less-than-irresistably cute."

"And that's obviously something the people of Seoul can't have," adds
O'Malley.  "They've known little more than hardship and famine, but an
onslaught of poor disposition among virtual pets is something they are
simply not prepared to endure."

"No!" Shout throngs of young villagers as an official taps the first
reset buttons of the confiscated key chains.  Weeping follows
immediately; silence follows shortly thereafter.

"I can't believe he gone," adds Lei Tang, a 6-year-old peasant girl.
"Will be tomorrow before he back to way I had it."

"Surrender the pet," echoes a bullhorn.  An official yanks a
Tamagotchi from a child's hand, taps the key on the reverse side,
hands it back.

Notes one visibly-disturbed witness to the resetting, "The devil has
come to Seoul."
+---------------------------------------------+
[By Ballinger, via Stan Kegel]

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis
balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He
was a dog without a care. 

But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.
Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when
suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He
had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at
Trouser's masters. 

This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that
he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.
Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon
himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank
his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. 

Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to
vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an
effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. 

For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to
taste. 
+---------------------------------------------+
Down to the Wire
Nicholas Petreley
InfoWorld Magazine
March 9, 1998

The official terminology guide to commercial software development

Think you understand the stages of commercial software development?
Think again. To fully understand how the process has degenerated, er,
developed from the vendor's point of view, you need to know the
official purpose for each development stage and the measurements for
readiness and success of each stage.

Alpha

The purpose of the alpha version of a program is to garner mind share.
A program is ready to be released as an alpha when programmers can get
most modules to compile without errors. If the modules combine to
create a program that does something useful between crashes, so much
the better. If the alpha is known to have severe problems, it is
accidentally leaked. Otherwise, the program is made available to
download at one's own risk.

The alpha is considered successful if it stimulates media attention
and defensive reactions from the competition. All the following
problems are acceptable at this stage: It may fail to install; it may
render the system useless; it may fail to work; or it may occasionally
work but cause other programs to cease functioning. The following
problem is unacceptable: It installs, occasionally works, but does not
introduce problems for at least one competing application.

Beta

The first beta version exists to maintain or increase mind share. It
is considered ready when all of the modules compile and link without
errors and it can be installed successfully on some systems. If
significant features are missing, nonworking menus and buttons must be
added to give the impression that these features will be in the final
version (this is optional for companies with enough clout to get the
press to hype the promised features).

A first beta is considered a satisfactory success if some of the
problems in the alpha have been solved. It is an overwhelming success
if it gets positive reviews or positive quotes from analysts. And, it
is a mind-blowing success if analysts start saying this product will
render the competition dead or irrelevant.

Further betas are necessary only if the first beta program is
unsuccessful. If there are further betas, each successive beta is
considered ready when the vendor has successfully incremented the
number of the beta program (Beta 1 to Beta 2, etc.). It is customary
to allow two weeks or more to lapse between betas to give the
impression that progress has been made.

Release candidates

The purpose of a release candidate is to convince people that the
product is nearing completion. The product is considered ready to be a
release candidate when the company calls the next beta a release
candidate. Subsequent release candidates, if needed, are ready when
the company successfully increments the release candidate number. A
release candidate program is considered successful and complete when
the company is reasonably sure the worst problems will remain
undiscovered for at least two weeks after shrink-wrapped copies hit
the shelves.

Feature complete

A product is feature complete when the nonworking promised features
are removed and the remaining features are documented. In reality,
however, products are never merely feature complete. They always have
far more features than are documented. For more information about
undocumented features, contact the vendor's technical support
department when your program crashes.

Shipping version

The purpose of the shipping version is to fix bugs in the prior
version and to introduce incompatibilities that will force customers
to upgrade throughout their organizations. In special cases, the
product is considered ready to ship when a later ship date would
render the vendor vulnerable to organizations such as the U.S.
Department of Justice. Otherwise, a product is considered ready to
ship when one or more conditions have been met: The company runs out
of development money; the press and target customers have begun to
focus on the competition; or marketing has successfully transferred
customer focus and expectations to the next version. For a description
of the next version, see alpha.

A former consultant and programmer, Nick Petreley is editor in chief
at NC World (http://www.ncworldmag.com). Reach him at
nicholas_petreley@infoworld.com.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Michael A Dimond, on Rehu]

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in
Russia).  He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been
mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the
party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway.  However, the clerk
insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed
dorm -- he'll have to make do with that.  The Russian grumbles but
eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm.  On his
way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make
friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of
tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are
Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're *very* drunk. 
They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters.  After sitting
there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and
decides to pull a joke on them.  He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and
speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:

"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room
immediately!"

The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the
chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes
later.  In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and
fled the hotel.  Our Russian gets the entire room to himself.  He
sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave,
the desk-clerk calls after him:

"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated
your little joke last night!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Naomi, on Rehu]

++ Remember the good old days, when the
     government lived within its income and
     without most of yours?

++ Ever notice how many government officials
     make their raises effective long before they
     ever are?

++ Too many politicians who wave the flag want
     to waive what it stands for!

++ It's astonishing how politicians never say
     anything, yet always insist they're being
     misquoted.

++ America is the land that fought for freedom
     and then began passing laws to get rid of it.

++ War is what happens when arms are used
     instead of heads!

++ Have you noticed that political promises are
     usually in one year and out the other?

++ Political campaign speeches are like steer
     horns: a point here, a point there...and a lot
     of bull in between!

++ Isn't it amazing how political candidates can
     give you all their good points and qualifications
     in a thirty-second TV commercial?

++ Elections are when people find out what the
     politicians stand for and politicians find out
     what people will fall for.

++ The ups and downs of the economy are the
     result of having elected too many yo-yos!

++ It's no wonder politicians don't listen to their
     conscience. They don't want to take advice
     from a total stranger.

++ The reason politicians are so busy is that they
     spend half their time passing laws and the other
     half helping their friends get around them.

++ These days, the only time politicians are telling
     the truth is when they call each other a liar!
+---------------------------------------------+
.[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Murphy's Laws For Law Enforcement

1. Bullet Proof' vests aren't.

2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick 
and choke harder too.

3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely
proportional to how long you've been a cop.

4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will
always blow back in your face.

5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light 
traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic. 

6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is
either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs. 

7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the
trigger will cause you to walk with a limp. 

8. Flash hiders don't really. 

9. If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you
and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong
house. 

10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more
often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at. 

11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few
available weapons (living room), to an area with many available
weapons (kitchen). 

12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting 
at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'. 

13. Bullets work on veteran cops too.  They also work on weight 
lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, 
S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal. 

14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of
speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use. 

15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi
Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along
side you and ask for directions. 

16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't
need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones
who do. 

17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a
pistol. 

18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well 
as you can. 

19. On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are
good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will
be. 

20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and 
your temper gets. 

21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will 
get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it. 

22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a 
cop whose nickname is "Boomer". 

23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot,
injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your
day off. 

24. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the
Department will send one officer in a beat car.  If there is one
biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T.  
Team. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Maureen, on Rehu]

          The Top 16 Julia Child Euphemisms for Death

16. Pushin' Up Parsley

15. Put in the Crisper

14. Fettucine Al Dead-o

13. Has Reservations at the Chateau Eternity

12. Sleeping with the Quiches

11. Filleting the Soul

10. Face-Planting the Meringue

 9. Basting the Formaldehyde Turkey

 8. Donating the Liver Pate

 7. Peasant Under Grass

 6. Marinating in Soil and Worms

 5. Promoted to Subterranean Truffle Inspector

 4. Just Add Maggots

 3. Sampling the French Onion Soup with a Salmonella Spoon

 2. Cooking for the Kennedys


    and the Number 1 Julia Child Euphemism for Death...


 1. Slowly Cooling to Room Temperature
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

PRISON VS BEING A HOUSEWIFE

  In prison you get three square meals a day.
  At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get
  your kids to eat it.

  In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise
  and mingle.
  At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so
  your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can
  go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep
  without his latest lego creation.

  In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
  At home you get to listen to your children fight over the
  remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless
  cartoons thanks to cable.

  In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college
  for free.
  At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane,
  and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still
  be able to eat for the next twenty years.

  In prison all your medical care is free.
  At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out
  trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will
  see you before you die.

  In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room,
  sit, talk  and then say good-bye when you are ready or your
  time is up.
  At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and
  clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

  In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or
  just hang out in your own space all day.
  At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space,
  too, and what the heck is free time again?

  In prison you get your own personal toilet.
  At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in
  order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding
  to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

  In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
  At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody
  else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't
  clean.

  In prison they take take you everywhere you need to go.
  At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

  In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and
  make sure nothing is missing. At home you have to lug around
  everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it
  and took your last dollar.

  In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses
  asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you
  because you didn't. At home....stop me when I get to the downside of
  jail, will ya?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from RuthEngbr@aol.com, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird 
List]

MY FAVORITE DRUGS
[Sung to My Favorite Things]

Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.

On a bad trip
When the cops come
When I lose my head
I simply take more of my favorite drugs
And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The Ides of March

After Stalin died, he was succeeded by Beria. Shortly after his
appointment as leader of the Soviet Union, Beria was assaassinated.
The assassinator shoulted as he shot the Premier, .... came to seize
Beria, not to praise him."

'Twas the fourteenth of March and Brutus and the boys were discussing
their planned political statement for the following day. Cassius the
Anorexic wanted to use Greek fire, which had been recently
re-invented. Brutus, however, favored the traditional Roman
short-sword as the weapon of choice. He stood and addressed his
co-conspirators, "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, Lend me your ears. I
come to parry Caesar, not to braise him!"

Two parents were discussing the relative merits of play-ground
equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a
preponderance of Larch trees. Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty
safe to play on, except for those rusty old slides." Remarked the
second, "Yes, .... you must beware the slides of Larch!"

During the time of Cleopatra, giving flowers to women as a token of
affection had not become customary, yet. Instead, men used to make
gifts of food to the objects of their love and desire. This was, on
the whole, much more sensible. One particularly poor laborer was
amazed one day to find a berry that was more round, more colorful, and
in every way more perfect than any berry he had ever seen. He plucked
it, and took it home to his wife. The wife was so amazed at the
perfection of this berry that she chose not to eat it, and instead
took it around and showed it to her friends. Word spread, and soon
people were coming from all over the land to see this magnificent
fruit. The poor laborer and his wife soon became rather wealthy by
charging people admission to view the berry. Such was its beauty that
lines formed outside of the laborer's house day and night with people
waiting to pay for the privilege of viewing an example of nature's
perfection. It was not very long before word of this reached the
Queen, herself. Being a jealous woman, she did not consider it proper
that she, the Queen, should be deprived of this perfect berry, and she
sent a squadron of soldiers to retrieve it and bring it to her. It was
very late at night when the soldiers arrived at the laborer's house.
They pounded on the door. "Go away, we're closed for the day", shouted
the laborer from his bed. "We have come for the berry", the centurion
called back. "Come back tomorrow, there's no more viewing of the berry
tonight", shouted the laborer, beginning to lose his patience. "You
don't understand", called the centurion... "We come to seize your
berry, not to praise it.

Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally
found a buyer for his oldest bull Ceasar. This new owner happened to
be the rancher's closest neighbor, who lived on the other side of the
valley accross the river. "Men," the rancher said to his cowhands,
"It's time to say our good-byes to this bull, and take him across the
river". So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river.
They were about to put him on the boat to take him across, when the
rancher's youngest nephew who helped to raise Caesar, said with a tear
in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last munch in his favorite
meadow?" The other hands said, "Sure", and led him just off the
riverbank for a snack. Well, with the day as nice as it was, all of
the hands took a quick nap. Four hours later, the rancher saw that the
bull was still on his property and ran down into the valley. He
shouted and cursed at the men to wake them up. Once everyone was
standing, he said that the beast should have been across the river
long ago. .... "In fact, we've come to ferry Ceasar, not to graze
him!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Chris Gill]

BAGHDAD, IRAQ (AP) - March 11, 1998 - Saddam Hussein today announced
his pledge to fight terrorism, starting with "the fool who crashed my
286 with junk e-mail spam". The iron fisted leader went on to state
that it took nearly five years to scavenge the countryside for stray
computer parts "just to get on the net." After months of receiving
busy signals from America Online, Saddam was finally able to
negotiate (handshake) with the AOL server. He then went to download
his e-mail, expecting to receive the customary AOL welcome e-mail
message. But much to his dismay he was hit hard by Sanford Wallace's
spam puking Cyber-Bomber Program.

The attack consisted of endless copies of the exact same junk e-mails
such as "Get Rich Quick", "Internet Porno Site Adverts", etc., etc..
The attack was so hard & heavy that Saddam's 120 MB hard drive simply
crashed within a matter of minutes. Saddam stated that Mr. Wallace
has got himself in the same predicament as Salman Rushdie, and will
have nowhere to hide.

Reaction amongst netizens was generally positive, and in total
agreement with Saddam's decree.

Sources at the Pentagon stated that Mr. Wallace will most likely be
placed in the Wit-less Protection Program (funded by a new tax on all
e-mails).

Furthermore, Pentagon Officials were so impressed with the
capabilities of the Cyber-Bomber Program, that this highly effective
technology will now become property of the Department of Defense. No
further details were given in regards to further research and
development of junk e-mail spamming as a weapon of mass irritation.

Mr. Spamford Wallace was unavailable for comment.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Larry Saunders, via UGA Humor List]

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made
"Tickle me Elmo dolls."  It was Friday and almost quitting time and
hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday.  He quickly
explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just
before the dolls were packed into boxes.

Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut
it down because one worker couldn't keep up.  The boss went down the
line to find the roblem.  The new employee was very busy trying to do
her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.

Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing
two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.  The boss could not
control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll
Two----Test----Tickles..... Oh never mind!!!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find
excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Ken Brousseau Sr., via UGA Humor List]

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 
If God dropped acid, would he see people? 
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? 
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled? 
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 
What happens when none of your bees wax? 
Where are we going?  And what's with this handbasket? 
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization. 
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all 
     the bad girls live. 
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't 
     going as ghosts but as mattresses? 
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? 
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Gwendolyn E Eckman, via UGA Humor List]

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from
managers in the business world:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.  (This
was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a
good job in training people.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. (I've worked
for this guy).

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We've been
working on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll
let you know when it's time to tell them.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.cs.engr.uky.edu/~raphael/yiddish/homent.html , via
Jewish Humor List]

Ritual slaughter of the latke 
                 Raphael Finkel 
            Presented at the Latke-Homentash
                    Symposium 
          Hillel House, Madison, Wisconsin 
                   Purim, 1984 

It is well known that our tradition surrounds the most important
actions in life with ritual. The importance of life-cycle rituals and
holiday-cycle rituals underscores their stature. On the other hand,
there is no particular ritual for, say, hunting boars. The Jewish
tradition has nothing much to say about it, except that hunting bores.


Eating has long held a fascination for the Rabbinic mind, not to
mention the Rabbinic stomach. We are all familiar with some of the
rituals involved with food: Washing the hands before going to the
supermarket, checking for the o u, reciting "Who brings the can opener
out of the drawer", and the injunction to leave a little food in the
can for the cat. In the Talmud, there is a dispute whether searching
diligently for the o u itself fulfills the mitsvo of "bedikas
hekhsher" or whether one needs to also know the rules for affixing the
o u, over which one recites "lehagboa hekhsher". For example, did you
know that according to Rashi, the o u must be in the upper third of
the label, and must be vertical, whereas according to Rabbenu Tam, it
must be sideways? 

This attention to detail is the hallmark of importance that we
attribute to food. I want to raise your conciousness (and maybe your
gorge) and explain to you the Torah-true Halakhic way in which latkes
must be prepared, according to Rambam's "Sefer", so called because
each chapter begins with the word "Sefer". In particular, Chapter 23
is called, "Sefer example you want latkes." Another chapter, dealing
with food poisoning, is "Sefer ways to can latkes". You may not be
surprised to hear that there is no mention whatsoever of Homentashen
in this standard reference. They just don't rate. In fact, the only
reference I could find to Homentashen in the whole Rabbinic
literature, which I read through yesterday (in the Cliff notes
edition), was in a chapter on spinach homentashen in the justifiably
obscure responsa of Poppy, the seltzer man. 

Say for example you want latkes. The potato must be healthy. Any
potato unable to swim upstream with the current is considered sick,
and you have to wait until it recovers before you can use it. 

You have to properly slaughter the potatoes. You need a knife sharp
enough, in the words of the Rambam, so that it can cut 30 bunches of
krokhmal in 10 strokes. I expect that's pretty sharp. 

You slaughter the potato with a quick double cut, holding the knife so
the blade is facing up, attacking the potato from underneath. 

If there are any eyes on the potato, they must be facing up, so the
potato doesn't see the knife coming. The stroke must sever at least
the main artery of the potato, although according to Rambam, this is
difficult with our modern potatoes, which have no arteries, and it
suffices to cut at least .357 inches beneath the skin. 

Any potato juice that come out within the first spurt is treyf; you
must let it pour on the ground and stomp on it, quoting meanwhile from
Deuteronomy, "thus be done to the manna whom the king delighteth to
honor." 

You then check the dead potato for health. If there is a hole between
the veena and the keyba, the potato is treyf and may not be eaten,
although it may be used for a paperweight. If you carve a dreydl out
of it, the dreydl is kosher, but the knife may only be used as a
screwdriver from then on. If there are any adhesions on the skin, the
potato is glat treyf and must be discarded. 

You must remove the eyes (in Yiddish, this is known as "eyebering");
as long as they are not removed, the outer part of the potato is treyf
(literally, "the eyes have it".) Modern latke factories don't bother
with the extremely time-consuming removal of the eyes, so they sell
the outer part of the potato to non-Jews. 

You must be very careful if you are making a large batch of latkes not
to slaughter two potatoes from the same plant on the same day. The
Bible explicitly says, "You shall not slaughter it and its plant-mate
on the same day". The Talmud tells of a thief who stole two potatoes
and slaughtered them on the same day. As you know, the penalty for
stealing is that you must pay back double. But if you steal a potato
and slaughter it, you must pay back 5-fold. The Talmud records a
discussion about whether, when the thief slaughtered the second
potato, he was obligated to pay the 5-fold penalty or not, since he
was by that same act guilty of the "two on the same day" rule, and was
thereby sentenced to the harsher punishment of juggling 5 eggs and
cleaning up the mess. Let it be a lesson to you: Buy each potato from
a different store, you should never have a problem. 

If you peel the potatoes, you are obligated to donate one twelfth of
the potato peels to a Cohen, assuming you have peeled at least 20
potatoes and you have gotten at least 1/4 cup of peels from each. The
best way to do this is to put the peels in an envelope and mail it to
the first Cohen or Katz you find in the phone book. It is also
acceptable to stop people on the street, ask them if they are Jewish,
and if so, talk them into performing this important mitsvo "putting
out the peelings" themselves. 

I could go on, and I will. 

Remember to salt the potato and leave it to drain for at least 24
hours. We do this in memory of Lot's wife Latke, who was turned to
salt. Use a lotta salt, in memory of Lot's daughter, Lotta. 

You may wonder why Sephardic Jews don't eat latkes. It stems from two
differences of innterpretation. The Torah speaks about a "Poroh
Aduma", a red potato without blemish. The Sephardim consider red
potatoes too holy to eat, so they avoid latkes. On the other hand, the
Ashkenazim think only Swiss cheese is too holy to eat. They liken
"Poroh Aduma" with "Pereh Odom", the common person, and consider a red
potato glatt kosher. Kosher airline meals made with potatoes therefore
always specify "red potatoes". 

The other difference of opinion is the meaning of "you shall not yoke
them together". The Sephardim read this as a prohibition of mixing
eggs and potatoes. The Ashkenazim say, and I quote "Love and Knishes",
the authoritative cookbook, "So nu, use two eggs already. You want
more, so you should use more." 

Let me warn you about applesauce. Its proper preparation is just as
complex as latkes themselves. It is best to consult a competent
authority. 

One last warning. You may remember that the Megilla tells us that the
Persians cast latkes, which they called Pur, from which we get the
name Purim. You must fry the latkes to make them kosher. Let them burn
a bit, in memory of the burnt offerings. But don't do like the
Persians. Don't cast them. If you cast them, they'll turn out Pur for
you, too. 

Postscript: At the symposium at which I presented this talk, Barry
Buchbinder suggested that homentashn have an aphrodisiac effect. My
response: "Poppycock!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
