3/15/98

[from Michael A Dimond, on Rehu]

The Top 15 Latin Phrases for the 90's


15. "Log floggit cum palma folliculus."
    --  (If you don't stop it, you'll go blind.)

14. "Nolo Contendere."
    --  (Hillary, you're on your own.)

13. "Domino vobiscum."
    --  (The pizza guy's here.)

12. "Dumbassus!  Hottie iste transvestitus!"
    --  (Fool!  That gorgeous woman is a crossdresser!)

11. "Auda similarum ad seattles."
    --  (They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)

10. "Erectionus finalum."
    --  (Anna Nicole Smith is here, Gramps.)

 9. "Boobi falsetti starrius."
    --  (Sugar, if ya wanna be a star, you're gonna have
         to do something about that bustline.)

 8. "Veni, veni, veni."
    --  (I came, I came, I came.)

 7. "Sharpei diem."
    --  (Sieze the Wrinkle Dog.)

 6. "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."
    --  (Remove foil before microwaving.)

 5. "Motorolus interruptus."
    --  (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

 4. "Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."
    --  (That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)

 3. "Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus."
    --  (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)

 2. "Dictum ad tua mater."
    --  (Word to your mother!)


    and the Number 1 Latin Phrase for the 90's...


 1. "Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum,
     minutus carborata descendum pantorum."
     --  (A little song, a little dance,
          a little seltzer down your pants.)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

~~Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) Screening~~

In a recent report by USA Today (Not the New York Times), the American
Psychological Society (not the APA, not that I don't believe them),
defined "Net Overuse" as a "True Addiction." "Heavy on-line users," in
a study of 396 men and women online for an average of 38 hours a week
(38!? Pah! That's nothing!), "met psychiatric criteria for clinical
dependance applied to alcohol and drug addicts." As I well know from
my work, this includes lost control over substance use that cannot be
willfully stopped despite negative consequences to one's personal,
social, financial, and professional life.

Oh, but, as we could have easily told them, there's good news too!
"Net addicts are not just geeky teenagers....many are outgoing,
good-looking and middle-aged. They can look high-functioning, but
there are serious problems just underneath the surface." Yeah....like
how to pay this month's AOL bill. (Hey wait a minute, I'm not middle
aged yet, am I? ::gulp::)

Part of my job at work is to design psychiatric evaluation forms that
can identify varying degrees of drug dependance. So I thought I'd help
out the APS here with a little "Internet Addiction Disorder," (as it
has been named by Kimberely Young of the University of
Pittsburgh-Bradford) screener. You'll recognize some of the questions
from my earlier "top ten" list -- but that's part of the true
psychiatric screener experience -- you've taken one, you've taken them
all.

So grab a number two pencil....no, wait a minute, don't do that...just
log on, sit back, and find out if you've got what it takes to call in
to work tomorrow with IAD.

~~~ IAD Screener ~~~

Multiple Choice:

1. You log-on to:
A) Check your stock portfolio.
B) Meet new people and hang out.
C) Deny the punt beast his glory.

2. This week you spent:
A) 2-10 hours online.
B) Gee, probably about 20 hours online if you include flash sessions.
C) What day is it? 
(Give yourself "C" point credits if you've been on line since last 
week)

3. "Hell" can be best defined as:
A) A firey dimmension of eternal torture and penance.
B) Waiting in line at the DMV.
C) "The system is temporarily unavailable. Please try again in 15
minutes."

4. You experience the greatest amount of stress when:
A) You are caught in rush hour traffic.
B) You realize you don't have enough money to pay your bills.
C) You receive 17 IMs while in the middle of a riveting chat in a
crowded room.

   Extra Credit: The answer is not "B" because:
a) You have money you can pull out of savings in an emergency. 
b) Revolving debt is the American way of life. 
c) You've gotten completely used to not being able to pay all your
bills ever since you got your first AOL statement.

5. Your favorite television show is:
A) Melrose Place.
B) Star Trek and/or Hercules/Xena.
C) Television? You mean that monitor over there in the corner?

6. The best place to go on a date is:
A) A quiet, remote little bed and breakfast.
B) The living room couch to cuddle in front of a video.
C) PR Hot Sexx.
(Give yourself "C" points credit if you can't remember because your
primary SN is married)

7. The first things you look for when considering a new living space
are: 
A) Location and structural integrity. 
B) A lock on the front door and a month to month lease. 
C) Outlets and phone jacks.

8. Dinner last night consisted of:
A) A spinach and tofu lasagna you baked yourself.
B) A something-or-other burger from, you know, what's it called? That
place. 
C) You have no idea, but you immediately start looking at the crumbs 
around your keyboard for clues. 
(Give yourself "C" points credit if you don't eat dinner).

9. "DM" stands for:
A) Demilititarized.
B) Dungeon Master.
C) Damn mouse!

10. The most important thing to look for in a bar is:
A) A liquor license.
B) Free snacks.
C) A phone jack for the laptop you carry with you wherever you go.

11. The first thing you really want to know about somebody you are
considering dating is: 
A) "Do you have a job?" 
B) "Do you have your own computer?" 
C) "Do you have an AOL SN?"

12. The second most important factor in choosing a mate would be: 
A) They come from a good family. 
B) They're exciting enough to get you away from the computer. 
C) Compatible on-line hours.

13. The first thing you do when you meet someone is:
A) Smile and say hello.
B) Mumble something and look at the floor and hope they go away.
C) Look up their member profile.
(Give yourslef "C" point credits if you never meet anyone because your
hand is permanently glued to the mouse)

14. The most frequently left message on your answering maching is
something like: 
A) "We had so much fun Saturday night! Thanks again for coming over." 
B) "Wow. I got through the busy signal. You're actually off the 
modem?" 
C) "I know you're there! Why aren't you picking up? Hello? Oh, hell! 
You got a dedicated line, didn't you?"
(Give yourself "C" point credits if you've unplugged your phone so
that the damn thing will stop interrupting your chats).

15. Your best friend is:
A) Someone you met at work.
B) Someone you've been AOL penpals with since fifth grade.
C) Some stranger who's name you don't know, who probably lives several
states away.

16. You check your email:
A) A couple of times a week.
B) Pretty much first thing when you get home.
C) The minute it comes in, unless you're in the middle of a really
intense chat.

17. The most time you've ever spent on-line in one sitting is:
A) Two or three hours.
B) Gosh, probably like, six hours once or twice.
C) You are still blinking at the above question waiting for the "you
have been on-line for 38,647 minutes scroll to pop up so that you can
calculate.

18. "Logs" are for:
A) Fire places.
B) Saving special chats.
C) Sending to TOSmail because the snert interrupted a very sensitive
chat.

19) Your first reponse to "Nothing beats a great pair of Leggs," is 
A) Those idiot advertisers! 
B) Except a great pair of butt cheeks. 
C) Who needs legs? As long as I have my comfy puter chair...

20) You don't swear because:
A) It isn't nice.
B) It's more fun and challenging to think up creative alternatives. 
C) TOS. 
(Give yourself "C" points credit if you do swear because you've 
ceased fearing TOS).

21) You notice your house is on fire. Your first response is:
A) "Let's get everybody out safely!"
B) "brb"
C) "Oh man, there must be some way to get the computer out of here!"

22) You are lost without your:
A) Organizer.
B) Program Manager.
C) Buddy list.

23) The first thing you do when you recieve good news is:
A) Call your family.
B) Question it relentlessly.
C) Send it to your e-mail buddies.

24) This quiz was probably created because:
A) The author has a noble interest in psychiatric advances.
B) Some jerk was bored.
C) AOL was down for a few hours.

~~Scoring~~

Tally up your answers, giving yourself one point for every "A"
answer, two points for every "B" answer, and three points for every
"C" answer. Subtract five points for any acronym you don't
understand.

0-25  Chill out newbie, you're fine.
26-51 No one can accuse you of being computer illiterate, but if
anyone tells you you're spending too much time on-line, tell them I
said, "not even close." 
52-65 UNPLUG THE COMPUTER NOW!!!!! THERE'S THE BAREST SLIVER OF 
HOPE!!!!

66 and over ::nods:: IAD.

 ~  ~  ~  Are you unplugging???  ~  ~  ~
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Laugh-A-Lot!]

             ~~~  Making the Best of Midwest Floods  ~~~

 Pro: You can have a fishing contest from the couch in your living
 room. Con: Your couch doesn't float.

 Pro: No better time to wash the siding of your house.
 Con: Ring around the house.

 Pro: Water skiing in the street.
 Con: Stop signs and cars that are barely covered.

 Pro: Sun tanning on the roof of your house is cool.
 Con: Sleeping there stinks.

 Pro: Washing dishes just got easier.
 Con: All your food is underwater too.

 Pro: You can practice your diving skills...
 Con: ...until you hit that small awning over your back door.

 Pro: You can finally reach those dead branches.
 Con: Now you just have to find the tree trimmer.

 Pro: You can finally slam dunk.
 Con: You have to dive to the basket.

 Pro: "Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean
      over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you
      will suddenly know everything there is to be known."  - Pooh
 Con: Bridge slipping along with river.

~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot!  - The daily clean-jokes-only list! ~~~~~ 
* No cows were shot, blown up, or injured to manufacture this 
email. * Joke Compilations (c)1998; Permission granted to forward, or 
post on other lists/sites; if this notice is fully included, thanks! 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her husband,
the Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the edge of the
Ural Mountains and were scheduled to begin an escorted horseback tour
of the area early the next morning. 

Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier on the beach at Nice,
but now she noticed that it was beginning to fade. Not having
anything scheduled after lunch, she took a blanket and wandered off
in search of a secluded spot where she could touch up the tan a bit.

Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize that at high attitudes the rays
of the sun were much more damaging than at sea level. Even worse, she
fell asleep. 

She awoke, feeling rather uncomfortable. Dressing gingerly, she
limped back to the hotel to have her husband assess the damages and
the prospects for the morrow. 

After one look he delivered his verdict:  
.... 
"Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

 MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING


1.  When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to
happen.

2.  When you get to the point where you really understand your
computer, it's probably obsolete.

3.  The first place to look for information is in the section of the
manual where you least expect to find it.

4.  When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6.  To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is
even more human, it is downright natural.

7.  He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8.  If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9.  A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want to do.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List at nickhumor-owner@Listservice.net ]

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better
when it's open. Of course, if your mind is always open,
people will toss a lot of trash into it!

There are two kinds of pedestrians...
the quick and the dead.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it
does include a free trip around the sun.

If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.

Two wrongs don't make a right,
but two Wrights made an airplane.
And three rights make a left!

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.

An unbreakable toy is useful
for breaking other toys.

When you're finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone else decide to play chess?

One problem with the gene pool is
that there seens to be no lifeguard.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

A group of Lebenese guerillas were on trial in Beirut for a terrorist
bombing. Jury selection was underway. The group's lawyers believed
their clients were guilty. There was only one way that the terrorists
could get away with anything less than a death sentence. That was to
stack the jury with people who were sympathetic to their cause. In
other words, .... Life is just Hezbollah juries.

[from Stan Kegel]

We are all used to the convieniences of a modern bank. While there has
been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a
relatively new phenomenon. Molan' Cache is usually considered the man
who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid
of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor to
King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to
finance this new experiment in banking. So really, .... credit should
go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.

[from John Fleming, via Stan Kegel]

A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her
piglets. Suddenly, a racoon raced out from behind the barn and scared
the living daylights out of the mother pig. .... The little hog
laughed to see such a plight and the sow jumped over the coon. 

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The Deaf Mule

An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a
mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost totally
deaf. So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often continued
plowing. Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head.
"There was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could here was me
singing my liltimg melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard
nothing but .... my riled Irish whoa's!"

------

Their constant conflicts must some day lead the Irish to see .... 
the Eire of their ways.

------

The Irish .... An English-piquing people.

-----

The Rarie

An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete his collection
with the acquisition of an juvenile member of a very unusual species
called the Rarie. The animal looked like a furry, round ball, with
feet on the bottom. However, the collector did not know much about
this creature, especially how much it would grow. And it grew. As the
Rarie grew, it ate more and more. And it grew at an alarming rate. The
small animal enclosure had to be enlarged, and enlarged, and enlarged.
All too soon, the size of the creature was becoming alarming, and the
amount of food consumed was straining the collector's budget. Finally,
in a state of desperation, he took the animal in a dump truck to the
edge of a gigantic cliff with the idea that he would drop it over the
edge. Just as the collector was getting set to roll the animal out of
the truck, the animal popped open an eye and looked at him and asked,
"Whatcha gonna do now?" The collector explained how he could no longer
afford the upkeep, and that dropping it over the cliff would be a
humane way to get rid of such an expensive liability. The animal
looked over the edge and with a tear in its eye, it said, .... "It's a
long way to tip a Rarie."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Starknight looks up from his drink. "I have a confession to make; I
was once in jail in Derry. The story of how it came about, though, is
interesting... 

"You see, one of my relatives (a 3rd cousin twice-removed on my
mother's side of the family) was a landowner in Ireland. He had a
small dairy, some pasture lands, and about 10 acres of crops. All in
all, a nice little family business, except that he had no family,
being a confirmed bachelor. So, when he died, the farm came back to
the family. 

"Now, somehow this distant cousin knew of me, and decided that I
would be the perfect choice to handle the disposition of his estate.
Personally, I think he liked my name. So I travelled to Ireland, to
look at the farm and see what kind of assets Paddy had to distribute.
Arriving at Derry, I asked for Paddy O'Brien's farm, and was directed
there by a helpful milkmaid. 

"When I got to the farmhouse, I was greeted by an elderly gentleman
with graying red hair and merry blue eyes. 'Welcome to O'Brien
Manor,' he said. 'I am Darby, the houseman.' He proceeded to
introduce me to the rest of the household and farm staff, and showed
me to the office which Paddy had built on to the back of the house."

Starknight pauses to take a refreshing drink from his rum and Coke.
"Ah, that's better... Clear those yiors from my throat. Where was I?
Oh, yes, just going into the office. Anyway, I spent the next two
days going over the financial situation, which was bleak. The dairy
equipment needed to be upgraded, the farm was deeply in debt, and the
house mortgaged to the hilt. Clearly, I was going to have to
liquidate everything in order to pay off Paddy's debts. 

"However, I was a bit concerned about how the staff was going to take
the news. The best way to break it to them, I thought, would be to
take them all to a pub in Derry and tell them over a few drinks that
they were going to be out of work. So we packed them into the farm
truck and headed into town. 

"In a pub called The Green Bough, we all sat down and had a few pints
of ale. I really didn't want to tell them, but I knew I had to do so,
and I managed to stand up and blurt out a few words before giving
each of them their walking papers. At that, however, a constable who
had been drinking in the corner got up and approached the table.
Taking out his handcuffs, he affixed them to my wrists while
pronouncing, 'Yer under arrest, laddie - come along quietly!'

"Believe me, I was much surprised when .... the judge sentenced me to
thirty days in jail for discharging an Eire farm within city
limits..." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

 Jewish Cooking by Martha Stewart

 Latkes

A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House
of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It
is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be
eatenwith apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor
that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it
burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn
for the same amount of time.

 Matzoh

The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple
mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it
could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it
does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is
recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

 Kasha Varnishkes

One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to
pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is
basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why
a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish
mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or,
God forbid "An elbow on my table?"

 Blintzes

Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the
N.J. Post 1939 headlines:  "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry
blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically
this is the Jewish answer to crepe Suzette.

 Kishka

You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it . In the old days they
would take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper
or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions,
flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add
it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until
there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value
left.

 Kreplach

It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its
origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into
his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian
restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount
of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your
mother-in-law who cooked it. 

 Cholent 

This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews
for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and
bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it
comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of
course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had
his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover
cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests:
She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never
came back.

 Gefilte Fish

A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a
few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked
at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?"
Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable
mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with
horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in
bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

 Bagels

How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel?
Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I
don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors
of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy
smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on
white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and
almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and
which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole?
The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence
and the dough is only there for emphasis. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The Porcine Association 

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans
prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no
ham. 

The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in
their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of
the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries. Sale of
ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, The
National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising
firm to boost sale of pork products. 

They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines
television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The
campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to
designate the second of February as the day when every family would
be urged to eat porkburgers. That day would be celebrated nationally,
of course, as .... Ground Hog Day. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

There's been a comeback of the pun on the Net.  The credit
(or blame) can be attributed to one of our own contributors
Mr. Stan Kegel.  But there's an obscure form of the pun
called a "degenerative pun" that's fun too.  Start with a
simple statement, then go from there:

Why was the "Story of O" banned in the US ?
Too much sex and violence

        (and, we're off...)

* Why was "Ivanhoe" banned in the US ?
  Too much Saxon violence


* Why did the NFL ban macho razor blade commercials ?
  Too much Schicks and virulence


* Why did the woman hate VapoRub & not talking for laryngitis?
  Too much Vicks and silence


* Why did the woman quit dying her curtains for 27 windows ?
  Too much soaks and valances


* Why was the chip dipping, potato chip eating optician fired ?
  Too much snacks and vile lenses


* Why did the Lord of the Manor punish the surly Serfs ?
  Too much sulks and villeins


* Why did the orchestra leader quit ?
  Too much sax and violins
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just 4 Laughs! Http://www.GeoCities.com/Hollywood/Set/6993 ]

ADMIRALTY BOARD OF INQUIRY

Queens Gate, London 04

As everyone is aware, the British Merchant marine with their high
standards rarely becomes involved in marine accidents. However, on
occasion, British vessels become involved in minor incidents, and I
thought that one such event would be of interest to everyone.

The attached was obtained from a British Shipping friend on the
understanding that the Company, Master and Vessel would not be
revealed.

Claims Manager
Blank Blank SS Co.
9763 Leadenhall Street
London, EC 3,  UK

Dear Sir,

It is with regret that I write this letter to you, regret that such a
small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and
a I write you in haste in order that you will get this report before
you form your own preconceived opinion from reports in the world
press, for I am sure that they will tend to over-dramatize the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from
changing the "G" flag for the "H" and being his first trip, was having
difficulty in rolling the "G" flag up, I therefore proceeded to show
him how, coming to the last part I told him to "let go." The lad
although willing is not to bright, necessitating my having to repeat
myself in a sharper tone.

At this moment the Chief officer appeared from the chart Room, having
been plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was anchors
that were being referred to, repeated the "let go.." to the third
officer on the forecastle. The Port anchor, having been cleared away
but not walked out, was smartly let go. The effect of letting the
anchor drop from the "pipe" while the vessel was proceeding at full
harbor speed proved to much for the windlass brake, and the entire
length of Port cable was pulled out by the roots. I fear that the
damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the
port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer n that direction,
right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river
up we which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for the vessel, unfortunately he did not think to stop
vehicular traffic. The result being that the bridge partly opened and
deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and a livestock truck on the
foredeck. My ships company are at present rounding up the contents of
the latter which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts
to stop the progress of the vessel the Third Officer dropped the
Starboard Anchor, too late to be of practical use for it fell on the
swing bridge operators cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I
gave a double FULL ASTERN on the engine order telegraph, and
personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions, I
was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if
there was a film tonight. My reply would not be a constructive
addition to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward
end of my vessel, down aft they were having their own problems. At the
moment of the port anchor was let go, the second officer was
supervising the making fast of the after tug, and was lowering the
ships towing spring down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to "run
under" the stern of my vessel just at that moment when the propeller
was answering my double "FULL ASTERN". The prompt action of the second
officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the
sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby allowing the safe
abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port
anchor there was a power cut ashore, the fact that we were passing
over a "cable area" at that time may suggest that we may have touched
something in the riverbed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension
cables brought down by the ships foremast were not live, possibly
being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore
blackout it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behavior of foreigners
during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance, is at this
moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin crooning to himself and
crying after consuming a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of
inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The tug captain on the
other hand reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the
Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital where he is
telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance
companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer
collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle,
these particulars will enable you to claim for damage that they did to
the railings at the number 1 hold.

I am closing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.

For weekly accountability reports I will assign the following Casualty
Numbers T/950132 to T/950177 inclusive.

Yours Faithfully,
R.U. Keddin
MASTER

ADDENDUM
RE: Casualty Numbers T/950132 to T/950177

Dear Sir:

It gives me great personal pleasure and satisfaction to report to you
that matters regarding last month's referenced Casualty Numbers have
been most satisfactorily resolved. The world press in their quick
assimilation and total understanding of the full facts promptly
accepted that the whole incident was due to faulty construction of
haws pipe - which was unrecognizable after the vessel collided with
the base of the swing bridge abutment. Naturally, the Board of
inquiry, having read the press reports, fully concurred with this
perceptive reasoning in reaching their favorable conclusion.

Quickly putting this minor incident behind us, we had a superb time at
the Chief Officer's retirement party - even on such short notice - and
all wished him, "good luck" in his new occupation - farming. The
second officer has been assigned temporary additional duty in charge
of the salvage attempts at finding and raising the aforementioned tug.
 The third Officer transferred to the Royal Air Force - Maps and
Records division.

The swing bridge operator is now running the Ferris wheel at a nearby
park. The remains of the missing pig were found in the ships company
galley and compensation was promptly paid. The two cyclists have
applied for political asylum and the Volkswagen driver sold his car at
a profit to the Musee de l' art et D'essai in Paris. The truck driver,
looking for safer employ, has assigned onto the ships company for a
two year duration as the crane operator.

As for myself, I am personally looking forward to my new assignment as
the Director of Shipping, Pitcairn Island but do thank you for your
suggestion of Harbor master, Chatham Islands. The doctors have allowed
me to send you this ADDENDUM and they say that my examinations and
treatments will probably conclude later this month, allowing me to
proceed to my duty station - if all goes well.

Yours Faithfully,
R.U.Keddin
MASTER
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Hi, my name is:

Art, I'm a museum curator.
Chuck, I'm a butcher.
Gene, I'm a DNA researcher.
Curt and Rod, we are in the drapery business.
Will, I'm a lawyer.
Sue. I'm also a lawyer.
Mary. I'm a justice of the peace.
Phillip, I'm a service station attendant.
Bill. I run a collection agency
Grant, I would be a loan officer.
Bill. I run a collection agency.
Mike. I'm an announcer
Toni. I'm a hair dresser.
Gail. I'm a meteorologist
John. I'm a plumber
Herb. I'm a cook.
Stu. I also cook.
Wade and I'm in swimming pool maintenance.
Rob. I'm a thief.
Woody. A Forester.
Les I'm a dietician
Harry. I'm a barber.
Iris. I'm an optomotrist
Teddy I'm in lingerie
Carol. I sing during the holidays.
Bea. I'm in the honey business..
Hugh. I'm a painter.
Jim I train boxers
Brigham I'm a chauffeur
Dean A college chancellor
Nat and Bea. We are entomologists
Bud. I'm in flowers.
And I'm Rose. I'm a gardener.
Clarence, I specialize in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.
Manuel, I  write instruction books. 
Ruby and Pearl. We're jewelers.
Marshall. I'm a peace officier. 
Gil. I'm a fisherman. 
Avery. I raise birds. 
Cliff. I'm a mountaineer. 
Sherry. I'm a wine-master. 
Cary. I'm a porter. 
Barry. I'm an undertaker. 
Chevy and Mercedes. We are car dealers. 
Abbie. I'm a Mother Superior. 
Belle. I play the carillon.
Candy. I'm a  confectioner. 
Jack. I'm a banker. 
Dick. I'm a plain-clothes policeman. 
Bet. I'm a croupier. 
Leo. A lion trainer.
Ham. I raise pigs 
Otto. I'm a car mechanic. 
Herald. I'm a messenger.
Ray. I'm a roentgenologist. 
Faith. I'm a minister. 
Bart. I drive a bus. 
Frank, the Hot-Dog vendor 
Holly, I'm a holiday decorator 
Shelly, I'm an expert on mollusks 
Rich, A successful investment banker.
Brooks. I'm an irrrigation consultant. 
Tom. I breed cats. 
Lute. I'm a musician. 
Tellie. A gossip columnist 
Victor, and I'm a winner in everything I do.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Tina Gunther, via UGA Humor List]

Pat:   Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing?
       You told me he was really something special.

Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really
       disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to
       me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.

Pat:   You bought a fish because you thought you
       could teach him to sing like a bird?  I can't
       believe it!

Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a _parrot_ fish.

Pat:   I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you
       might be able to teach a parrot _bird_ to
       sing, you're never going to get anywhere with
       a parrot _fish_.

Chris: That's what _you_ think!  He can sing all
       right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key.
       It's driving me crazy.  Do you know how hard
       it is to tuna fish?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Dilbert Newsletter 19.0 , by Scott Adams]

True Tales Of Induhviduals
--------------------------------------

Anyone who is not a DNRC member is, by our definition, an
Induhvidual, destined to become a personal servant after Dogbert's
takeover.  The following allegedly true reports of Induhviduals are a
reminder that the current system of government can't last much longer.


Sighting #1
----------------

The company I work for has outdone itself with its most recent
Quality program. The kickoff slogan was "Let's QAP it." They also want
to review all of our processes and when a process meets certain
guidelines it will get a "QAP" stamp of approval.

There are even QAP Champions for each department.  Everyone who has
heard this QAP has fallen over laughing and can't believe that they
are calling it that. I guess they are calling it what it is.


Sighting #2
-----------------

My girlfriend and I just moved into a new house together.  Not
knowing the schedule for garbage pickup, she called the local trash
folks to get the information.  Due to a somewhat Induhvidualistic
management decision, even-numbered addresses in our area get garbage
pickup on one day, but odd addresses get pickup on another day.

The receptionist asked my girlfriend for her street address. My
girlfriend gave it, 772, and the receptionist said, "Just a moment." 
In the background could be heard, "If the last number in an address
is even, that makes the whole number even, right?"


Sighting #3
-----------------

I'm standing in line at the P.O., and there's a matronly lady in
front of me at the counter. She tells the clerk she wants to buy some
32 cent stamps. The clerk says he can give her a book of 20 or a roll
of 100. She asks, "How much is the roll?" The clerk looks at her and
says, without a trace of sarcasm, "Thirty-two dollars."  Then the
lady gasps and says, "Thirty-two dollars? For STAMPS!?"

And we wonder why postal workers get disgruntled...


Sighting #4
-----------------

I was at a major chain store this weekend. After finishing shopping,
I was loading my van with the products when an Induhvidual stopped at
the next car.  She had a shopping cart loaded with several large
Rubbermaid storage containers.

After successfully loading the first in her trunk, she found the rest
would not fit.  After placing one in her passenger seat, she still had
four or five left. She started muttering to herself (very loudly)
about not being able to fit all of these containers in her car. 
Noticing that the containers had a taper to them, I suggested she take
the lids off, stack them inside each other, and place the lids in the
open top.  Her response was, "Oh, can you do that?"  I really wanted
to reply, "No, but I won't tell the cops if you won't".



Sighting #5
----------------

Overheard at Walgreens drugstore in lower San Francisco on Sunday:

Uptight woman rushes in and cuts in front of me in line.

Woman:   "Do you have the New York Times?"

Cashier: "Uh yeah, it's four hours ahead."

       (substantial pause)

Woman:   "It's THREE hours ahead, and I mean the newspaper!"


Sighting #6
-----------------

Eight people in our office (250+ company) work flextime schedule and
must sign in and out.

Today the black felt tip pen to sign the timesheet log disappeared.
The Induhvidual replaced it, complaining and mumbling. The new pen
disappeared two hours later. The Induhvidual then blurted out, "I'm
going to fingerprint the next pen that disappears to find out who is
taking it!!"


Sighting #7
----------------

A friend of mine is a street performer. One night he was performing
in Boston's Fanueil Hall.  When he got to the place in his routine
where he juggles flaming torches, a cop came up to him and informed
him that he needed a special permit to work with fire.  My friend
passed his hand quickly through the flames and said, "It's OK, this is
just stage fire."  The cop was satisfied with this and walked off.


DNRC Solutions To Induhvidual-Caused Problems
-----------------------------------------------------------

This field report tells you everything you need to know about the
quality of the legal system:

A while back I got a subpoena for jury duty. I received a form to
fill out and an envelope to send it back in.  The form said I had to
send it back in the envelope, but the envelope was too small.  It
also said not to fold the form.  So I solved the problem by crumpling
the form into a little ball and smashing it flat with a book.  That
was about four years ago and I haven't been called to jury duty
since.



Tech Support For Induhviduals
--------------------------------------------

This tech support tip is based on a true story:


Problem:   My keyboard is missing all its keys!

Solution:  Turn it over.




DNRC Wise-Ass Comments
------------------------------------------

Have you baffled an Induhvidual with your wise and witty verbal
skills?  If so, let me know.  Here's a true report from a sharp witted
member:

When entering Australia, I was asked by a customs official as a part
of Port of Entry Procedure, "Do you have a criminal record?" I
responded, "I didn't know you still needed one to get in."

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The Wildebeasts

Once upon a time, there lived in an African forest, two families off
amiiable, hardworking wildebeasts, who often enjoyed picnicing
together. However, each family had one yougn mischief-maker, though
each mother was convinced that her own little chilc was innocent and
that the other was the troublemaker. "You should punish that rascally
brat of yours," shrilled one of the mothers finally. "A sound spanking
might do him some good." "Spank my son, indeed," huffed the other.
"Why don't you .... go paddle your own gnu?"

The Baby Gull

The young gull was an only child. He was well behaved and a delight to
his mother. The mother said to her infant. "As you have been so good,
would you like a brother" The small bird replied, .... "Oh Yes! One
good turn deserves another."

Elephant Memory

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a
turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear
across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my
trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, .... "turtle recall".

South Africa

The zebra is a fitting national animal for South Africa .... They both
have Op-Art hide.

The Crane

The trustees of the Madrid Zoo heard that their were only 30 whooping
cranes left in the world and decided they must have one befor the
breed became extinct, The only zoo that had more than two pair and was
willing to let one go was the San Doego Zoo in the United States.
Arrangements were made to trade the cranes for a species of Wildebeast
that the San Dfiego Zoo did not have. The birds were dispached via air
freight. However, when they arrived at the Madrid Airport, it was very
cold and the birds refused to disembark. It was reported to the zoo
director, that .... the cranes in Spain stay mainly in the plane.

Rudolph's Surgery

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to
rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a
chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an
appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about
his looks. However it wasn't his glowing probiscus that he wanted
changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa
because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were
much more prominant than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear
for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor
do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time,
January 1st has been celebrated as .... New Ears Day.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Barbara Scheele, on Rehu]

Postmodernism on Trial

By Mark Leyner

Hoboken, N.J. --

JENNY JONES: Boy, we have a show for you today. Recently, the
University of Virginia philosopher Richard Rorty made the stunning
declaration that nobody has "the foggiest idea" what postmodernism
means. "It would be nice to get rid of it," he said. "It isn't
exactly an idea; it's a word hat pretends to stand for an idea."

This shocking admission that there is no such thing as postmodernism
has produced a firestorm of protest around the country. Thousands of
authors, critics and graduate students who'd considered themselves
postmodernists are outraged at the betrayal.

Today we have with us a writer -- a recovering postmodernist -- who
believes that his literary career and personal life have been
irreparably damaged by the theory, and who feels defrauded by the
academics who promulgated it. He wishes to remain anonymous, so we'll
call him "Alex."

Alex, as an adolescent, before you began experimenting with
postmodernism, you considered yourself -- what?

(Close shot of ALEX.)

An electronic blob obscures his face. Words appear at bottom of
screen: "Says he was traumatized by postmodernism and blames
academics."

ALEX (his voice electronically altered): A high modernist. Y'know,
Pound, Eliot, Georges Braque, Wallace Stevens, Arnold Schonberg, Mies
van der Rohe. I had all of Schonberg's 78's.

JENNY JONES: And then you started reading people like Jean-Francois
Lyotard and Jean Baudrillard -- how did that change your feelings
about your modernist heroes?

ALEX: I suddenly felt that they were, like, stifling and canonical.

JENNY JONES: Stifling and canonical? That is so sad, such a waste.
How old were you when you first read Fredric Jameson?

ALEX: Nine, I think.

The AUDIENCE gasps.

JENNY JONES: We have some pictures of young Alex.

(We see snapshots of 14-year-old ALEX reading Gilles Deleuze and
Felix Guattari's "Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia." The
AUDIENCE oohs and ahs.)

ALEX: We used to go to a friend's house after school -- y'know, his
parents were never home -- and we'd read, like, Paul Virilio and
Julia Kristeva.

JENNY JONES: So you're only 14, and you're already skeptical toward
the "grand narratives" of modernity, you're questioning any belief
system that claims universality or transcendence. Why?

ALEX: I guess -- to be cool.

JENNY JONES: So, peer pressure?

ALEX: I guess.

JENNY JONES: And do you remember how you felt the very first time you
entertained the notion that you and your universe are constituted by
language -- that reality is a cultural construct, a "text" whose
meaning is determined by infinite associations with other "texts"?

ALEX: Uh, it felt, like, good. I wanted to do it again. (The AUDIENCE
groans.)

JENNY JONES: You were arrested at about this time?

ALEX: For spray-painting "The Hermeneutics of Indeterminacy" on an
overpass.

JENNY JONES: You're the child of a mixed marriage -- is that right?

ALEX: My father was a de Stijl Wittgensteinian and my mom was a
neo-pre-Raphaelite.

JENNY JONES: Do you think that growing up in a mixed marriage made
you more vulnerable to the siren song of postmodernism?

ALEX: Absolutely. It's hard when you're a little kid not to be able
to just come right out and say (sniffles), y'know, I'm an Imagist or
I'm a phenomenologist or I'm a post-painterly abstractionist. It's
really hard -- especially around the holidays. (He cries.)

JENNY JONES: I hear you. Was your wife a postmodernist?

ALEX: Yes. She was raised avant-pop, which is a fundamentalist
offshoot of postmodernism.

JENNY JONES: How did she react to Rorty's admission that
postmodernism was essentially a hoax?

ALEX: She was devastated. I mean, she's got all the John Zorn albums
and the entire Semiotext(e) series. She was crushed.

(We see ALEX'S WIFE in the audience, weeping softly, her hands
covering her face.)

JENNY JONES: And you were raising your daughter as a postmodernist?

ALEX: Of course. That's what makes this particularly tragic. I mean,
how do you explain to a 5-year-old that self-consciously recycling
cultural detritus is suddenly no longer a valid art form when, for
her entire life, she's been taught that it is?

JENNY JONES: Tell us how you think postmodernism affected your career
as a novelist.

ALEX: I disavowed writing that contained real ideas or any real
passion. My work became disjunctive, facetious and nihilistic. It was
all blank parody, irony enveloped in more irony.

It merely recapitulated the pernicious banality of television and
advertising. I found myself indiscriminately incorporating any and
all kinds of pop kitsch and shlock. (He begins to weep again.)

JENNY JONES: And this spilled over into your personal life?

ALEX: It was impossible for me to experience life with any emotional
intensity. I couldn't control the irony anymore. I perceived my own
feelings as if they were in quotes.

I italicized everything and everyone. It became impossible for me to
appraise the quality of anything. To me everything was equivalent --
the Brandenburg Concertos and the Lysol jingle had the same value.
(He breaks down, sobbing.)

JENNY JONES: Now, you're involved in a lawsuit, aren't you?

ALEX: Yes. I'm suing the Modern Language Association.

JENNY JONES: How confident are you about winning?

ALEX: We need to prove that, while they were actively propounding it,
academics knew all along that postmodernism was a specious theory.

If we can unearth some intradepartmental memos -- y'know, a paper
trail -- any corroboration that they knew postmodernism was worthless
cant at the same time they were teaching it, then I think we have an
excellent shot at establishing liability.

JENNY JONES wades into audience and proffers microphone to a woman.

WOMAN (with lateral head-bobbing): It's ironic that Barry Scheck is
representing the M.L.A. in this litigation because Scheck is the
postmodern attorney par excellence. This is the guy who's made a
career of volatilizing truth in the simulacrum of exculpation!

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: You go, girl!

WOMAN: Scheck is the guy who came up with the quintessentially
postmodern re-bleed defense for O.J., which claims that O.J. merely
vigorously shook Ron and Nicole, thereby re-aggravating pre-existing
knife wounds. I'd just like to say to any client of Barry Scheck --
lose that zero and get a hero!

(The AUDIENCE cheers wildly.)

WOMAN: Uh, I forgot my question.

(Dissolve to message on screen): If you believe that mathematician
Andrew Wiles' proof of Fermat's last theorem has caused you or a
member of your family to dress too provocatively, call (800)
555-9455.

(Dissolve back to studio. In the audience, JENNY JONES extends the
microphone to a man in his mid-30's with a scruffy beard and a
bandana around his head.)

MAN WITH BANDANA: I'd like to say that this "Alex" is the single
worst example of pointless irony in American literature, and this
whole heartfelt renunciation of postmodernism is a ploy -- it's just
more irony.

(The AUDIENCE whistles and hoots.)

ALEX: You think this is a ploy?! (He tears futilely at the electronic
blob.) This is my face!

(The AUDIENCE recoils in horror.)

ALEX: This is what can happen to people who naively embrace
postmodernism, to people who believe that the individual -- the
autonomous, individualist subject -- is dead. They become a
palimpsest of media pastiche -- a mask of metastatic irony.

JENNY JONES (biting lip and shaking her head): That is so sad. Alex
-- final words?

ALEX: I'd just like to say that self-consciousness and irony seem
like fun at first, but they can destroy your life. I know. You gotta
be earnest, be real. Real feelings are important. Objective reality
does exist. (AUDIENCE members whoop, stomp and pump fists in the
air.)

JENNY JONES: I'd like to thank Alex for having the courage to come on
today and share his experience with us.

Join us for tomorrow's show, "The End of Manichean, Bipolar
Geopolitics Turned My Boyfriend Into an Insatiable Sex Freak (and I
Love It!)." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

A Jewish man passing thru Texas for a few day stay on business
checked into a rooming house in a very what you would call a frontier
town.

Not to be conspicuous, he dressed himself in western attire and went
in to the only saloon in town.

He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes, wearing six shooters and
looking very gruff.

He ordered a beer.

While sipping his beer and trying to be as inconspiuous as possible a
big burly, scroungiest looking speciman walks in and proclaims, "Ah
hears there is a Jew in here!"

The Jewish man cringes, says nothing.

"Ah know your in here and you better speak up." says the western man.

The Jewish man knows that sooner or later he would have to face up to
him and accept the consequences of being Jewish especially in such a
remote place as this. He stand up proudly and says," I AM A JEW!"

The westerner stares at him angryly, "What the HELL are you hiding
for? Come with me, ah needs you for a minyan." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/1723/humor.html ]

                 The Top 15 Good Things About Going to Hell

* 15.Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!

* 14.Perpetual flame means never having to eat a lukewarm french fry.

* 13.Upon arrival, you realize it's a big step up from Bakersfield. 

* 12. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular
results. 

* 11. Finally get to meet that Rubik guy and tell him what you think
of that @#*&%! cube.

* 10. There's absolutely no chance you'll be living too close to an
amusement park.

* 9. Party-Animal Satan throws one helluva weenie roast!

* 8. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back
in early 80's).

* 7. Finally rid of that pesky little "conscience angel" on *right*
shoulder.

* 6. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that
date with Al Borland.

* 5. Which would you rather jam to: Harps & choirs, or Hendrix &
Morrison?

* 4. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy
Davis, Jr.

* 3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the
Impaler, and Hitler.

* 2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy
Kerrigan's knee.

* And the Number 1 Good Thing About Going to Hell... 

1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." T-shirts. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just 4 Laughs]

              *AOL INTERVIEW WITH THE EASTER BUNNY *
                     Written by John Scalzi


With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a
busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a
year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of
boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and
eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. America Online spent a few
minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year's
task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you
knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.

America Online: Thanks for talking to us.

Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? (takes
out a packet of small green pellets) I've been in a rush recently.

AOL: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions here, compiled
from our members, and I'll just go down the list if you don't mind.

EB:  Ready when you are.

AOL: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes:
"We all know that Santa's Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does
the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?"

EB:  Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It's
located in San Bernardino, California.

AOL: San Bernardino?

EB:  That's right.

AOL: You have to understand that most people would have figured some
place like Easter Island.

EB:  Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It's the single
most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped
fresh eggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the
sort of motivated labor pool we need.

AOL: Elves?

EB:  Laid-off aerospace workers.

AOL: They would seem to be a little overqualified.

EB:  Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers.

AOL: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: "Why
is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have been the Easter
Kitty, or the Easter Puppy?"

EB:  That's a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an
organization decided to play around with the whole "bunny" thing by
recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In
1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny,
an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.

AOL: What happened?

EB:  It just didn't work out. The Komodo dragon ate the eggs, the
coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just
about as dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the
program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating
Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies.
We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don't eat anyone.

AOL: Bob in Honolulu asks: "Is there is just one Easter Bunny?
Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the
last couple of millennia?"

EB:  The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter
Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa
Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one
guy delivers all those presents -

AOL: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?

EB:  I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that
*we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think
about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million
homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would
turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal
smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a job description,
not a proper name. It's like "Postal Carrier," except our employees
very rarely become disgruntled.

AOL: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?

EB:  Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you
are.

AOL: How does one become an Easter Bunny?

EB:  Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell you.
First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After
that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical
tests you have to pass. We can't afford to have an Easter Bunny cramp
up at the beginning of his run.

AOL: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?

EB:  I don't want to name names. But one bunny who's making a living
in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child
would try to get an Easter basket from him, he'd back away and start
snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.

AOL: He seems to have gotten better since then.

EB:  Prozac helps.

AOL: Albert from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, wants to know what are the
occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny.

EB:  There are several. Large dogs are always a problem, of course:
one moment you're delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a
Rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous
homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops
and private security guards. We don't even bother trying to deliver
to the children of militia members anymore; first they'll plug you
for being on their land, then they'll make you into jerky and a pair
of gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?

AOL: What?

EB:  Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we'll just forget they're there.
Man, that's embarrassing.

AOL: Here's an interesting question, from Amy, in New York City. She
writes: "How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It
seems like Santa gets all the attention." And I have to say, I did
notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.

EB   (Looking uncomfortable): Well, you know, look. I don't want to
say anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I
do. Professionally, we get along fine.

AOL: But privately?

EB:  Is that tape recorder turned off?

AOL: Uh.....sure.

EB:  He's a big ol' pain in this bunny's bottom. For one thing, he's
a prima donna: always me, me, me, where's my highball, where's my
corned beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing
room. I'd rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For
another, he's totally paranoid of other large men. He thinks that
Luciano Pavarotti is trying to move into his territory. Last year it
was John Goodman. He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving
his pistol and bellowing "Rosebud!" from the top of his lungs.

AOL: Wow. He seems a little scary.

EB:  You think? And yet he gets all the publicity. Why? We do the
same job. Mine's actually tougher, since I'm moving perishable stuff.
You can't have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know.  Folks wouldn't
stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only
food product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the
Space Shuttle with fruitcake.

AOL: We're sure you have your own fans.

EB:  It's like opening for the Beatles, is all. And he *is* the
walrus, if you know what I mean.

AOL: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford, Illinois; "Does the
Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that happen, since the
Easter Bunny is both male and a mammal?"

EB:  Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay eggs. So it's not
impossible.

AOL: That still leaves the male part.

EB:  We're quibbling on details, here.

AOL: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.

EB:  Sorry. We tried that in '78.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Scotty, via UGA Humor List]

In response to the 13 medals we brought home, and to help us bring
home more we came up with these things.

These are some events we should see in the next Winter Olympics 2002
in Salt Lake City.


Air hockey. This game, one of great manual dexterity, has a winter
sports theme and a wonderful tradition among U.S. baby boomers.

Snow shoveling. Participants receive medals based on how much snow
they can move out of a 20-inch snow pile, accuracy of toss and, most
important, artistic merit.

Splatball. A very American game that would be perfectly suited to the
Winter Olympics. Teams could compete in gorgeous winter wonderland
backgrounds. Obviously, the paint could not be white.

Synchronized ski-jumping. Traditionally, we have done nothing in ski
jumping, but we have a strong synchronized swimming tradition. No
reason that tradition cannot be transferred to this event.

Slalom snow-plowing. What country is better known than America for
its varied and sophisticated snow-plowing equipment? Put Hermann Maier
in a plow, match him up against our world-class drivers and then let's
see how tough this guy really is. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dickibus, on Rehu]

Top Ten Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work

>> >1. You develop Repetitive Stress Disorder from playing Solitaire.

Been there, done that, got the RSD.

>> >2. You've actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off that
>> >island.

By boat, of course!

>> >3. People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your
>> >   ceiling.

They drop in on them?

>> >4. To exercise your creative side, you knit a computer cozy.

Kwilt.

>> >5. You create on ongoing e-mail dialog with your computer at home.

That in turn means running home, answering th email, running back to
the office.... Good for exercise.

>> >6. No longer content with merely photo-copying your face, you now
>> >   scan it and enhance it with Photoshop.

Bootiful!

>> >7. After months of taking frequent breaks, you now require only a
>> >   single can of cola to belch the names of all seven dwarves.

What are they?

>> >8. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
>> >   produces images of Elvis.

>> >9. You have an 18-hole par 3 mini-golf course in your office.

Where one hole runs into the next... including the one that you built
in your head...

>> >10. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin
>> >Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.

That's the real give-away!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Two bulls were standing in a field when a sudden and fierce wind
kicked in.  Trees were flying, fences blowing over and the roof
started to come off the barn but the bulls scarcely moved.  One bull
turns to the other and says, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which
she was entered. But as she got older she became very tempermental. He
soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win
handily, but when she raised during the day she would come in dead
last. He consulted the top veteranarians and horse psychologists to no
avail. He finally had to give up because it had become ... a real
night mare.

(Thanks to Piers Anthony for the idea for this pun)
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight. We sought
professinal help and had a tree surgeon come and look at it. In his
assessment, he noted that the blight was basd, but he was even more
concerned with the deep crackes in the bark, "In fact," he said, ....
"This tree's bark is worse than its blight." (by Barry Bates)


The sea dog was asked if he preferred sailing to spending time surfing
on the computer. His response was .... "My barque is worse than my
byte.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

You know it's time to change careers when.....
-----------------------------------------------

You accidently show the auditors the wrong set of books.  

The guy you hired 10 years ago has been your boss for the last 9
years. 

Your wife forgets what it is you do.  

Your boss and your husband are the same person.   

You can flip a hamburger at McDonalds and make it do a tripple lutz.  

When you notice that the wearing of bullet proof apparel becomes the 
current fashion statement in the office.  

If you work in retail and your customers recognize you when your not
in uniform.  

Your supervisors don't know your children because they were only in
grade school when your children graduated from high school. 

Office politics become more interesting than Clinton's latest
scandal. 

When the boss hints you should go out with his or her sister..   and
you consider it. 

You take so many coffee breaks you have your own bathroom stall.  

Your kids ask you what you do at work and you can't remember.   

There is only one hourly employee in the entire office and you are
it. 

You can no longer fake it and the boss realizes you used someone
else's resume 

You call in dead and no one notices or cares.  

You realize you are the only one who has been there longer than the
coffee pot.  

It's time for a career change when you sleep at your desk and can't
at night. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from James R. Muller, via UGA Humor List]

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe E-MAIL?
A. Although married people E-MAIL quite often, there are many single 
   people who E-MAIL to complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had E-MAIL when they were young and
   were only allowed to write their memos to each other until they
   were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they
   can E-MAIL?
A. E-MAILing can be performed at any age once you learn the
   correct procedures.

Q. If I E-MAIL something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL,
   is this legal?
A. Yes! Many people have no other outlet for their E-MAIL drives and
   must pay a "professional" when their need to E-MAIL becomes too
   great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for E-MAILing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are E-MAILing to, a
   cover should be used to insure safe E-MAIL.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I E-MAIL
   prematurely?
A. Don't panic, many people prematurely E-MAIL when they haven't
   E-MAILed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind 
   if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business E-MAIL, can transmissions
   become mixed up?
A. Being bi-E-MAILual can be confusing, but as long as you use a
   cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not
   supposed to.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Chalapathi Rao Poduri, via UGA Humor List]

Original Version:
------------------------
Once upon a time in a hot summer afternoon, a man was traversing
the vast plains when he felt tired and wanted to have a nap.

He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade,
laced his bag of caps beside him and went to sleep.

Tired as he was, he was quickly fast asleep.  When he woke up after a
refreshing little nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his
bag! "Oh, god!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find me
of all the people?"

But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys
wearing colourful caps!

He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back.  He made faces at 
them and found the monkeys to be experts at that. He threw a stone at 
them and they showered him with raw mangoes.

"Oh god, how do I get my caps back," he said.  Frustrated, he took 
off his own cap and slammed it on theground.

And lo, the stupid monkeys threw their caps too!  Smart Mr.X didn't 
waste a second, collected the caps and was on his way.


50 Years later ......


Young Mr.Y, grandson of famous topiwala Mr.X who was also working 
hard at making caps doing his family business, was going through the 
same jungle. After a long walk he was very tired and found a nice 
mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade.

Mr.Y decided to rest a while and very soon was fast asleep. A few 
hours later, when he woke up, he realised that all thecaps from his 
bag were gone!

He started searching for the same and to his surprise found some 
monkeys sitting on the mango tree wearing his caps.

He was frustrated and didn't know what to do.

And then he remembered a story his grandfather proudly used to tell
him.

"Yes!!!! I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Mr.Y. "I'll make them
imitate me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!"

He waved at the monkeys   -- the Monkeys waved at him
He blew his nose          -- the Monkeys blew their noses
He started dancing        -- the Monkeys were also dancing
He pulled his ears        -- the Monkeys pulled their ears
He raised his hands       -- the Monkeys raised their hands
He threw his cap on the ground .................... one of the monkeys
jumped down from the tree, walked up to him, slapped him left and
right and said

"Idiot!!!  Do you think ONLY YOU HAD A GRANDFATHER?????"
+---------------------------------------------+
THE ROMAN CATHOLIC GEEK CODE Version 1.0 beta 1

Created and compiled February 1998 by Brenda Daverin 
(bdaverin@best.com) with help and contributions from DFRAYNE@aol.com 
(name unknown), Walter Snyder, Teresa Carrigan, Barbara Scheele, and 
Donna Willinski. Many thanks to them and the denizens of REHU-L 
for letting us do this in front of their faces.

May be freely distributed if credits are kept intact.

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?

Subgroups varying in size and visibility from geeks to goths to
hackers from a small section of the northeastern US have their own
sigfile codes. Roman Catholicism, the largest denomination in
Christianity, deserves nothing less than its own geek code. This is in
no way, shape or form orthogonal to the original Geek Code, though it
is heavily inspired by it.

Besides, it's good for a chuckle.

NOTE: This code is biased toward the Roman Catholic experience in the
USA. Any non-US RCs who wish to help by suggesting modifications are
welcome to submit them for consideration in a future revision.

On with the code!

GENERAL MODIFIERS

| | - Used if your status has changed over time in the category.
Example: RC|++|- signifies someone who was a good Catholic but
stopped. Try to limit use of this to ones where your status has
seriously shifted.

 > - Used if you want to be something other than your current status.
RC++>+++ means you're a good Catholic who's planning to take Holy
Orders.

RC: Your status as a Roman Catholic
  How good of a Catholic are you?
   RC-----  Apostate. I am Marilyn Manson.
   RC----   Heretic ex-Catholic. Goddess bless!
   RC---    Ex-Catholic. Shalom!
   RC--     Recovering Catholic. I might come back after my therapist
            says I'm ready.
   RC-      Lapsed Catholic. I'll come back when I'm dying.
   RC       Lazy Catholic. I'm there; what more do you want?.
   RC+      Moderate Catholic. I like the Church.
   RC++     Good Catholic. I love the Church.
   RC+++    Ordained priest/vested nun. I serve the Church.
   RC++++   The Pope. I *am* the Church.
   RC+++++  Old Catholic. The Pope is a heretic.

FH: Family history in the Church
  How far back does your family's Catholicism go?
   FH----   I'm the first in my family to own a rosary. The rabbi is
            very disappointed in me.
   FH---    I switched from Protestantism/Orthodoxy/paganism/MLM. 
   FH--     My parents converted. 
   FH-      My grandparents were converts.
   FH       My great-grandparents were converts. 
   FH+      At least as far back as the old country; I can't be sure 
            before that.
   FH++     My family name is recorded in a parish in Europe 
            predating 1700.
   FH+++    One of my ancestors fought in the Crusades.
   FH++++   I'm a descendant of one of the first Popes (from before
            they had to be celibate, thank you very much).
   *FH      My ancestors were converted by the Spanish Inquisition.
   @FH      My ancestors were returned to the fold after falling for
            one of the heresies (i.e., Albigensian).
  You can create a two-part code if necessary, separating the two with
  a slash (/) and noting which applies to your father and mother by
  placing the appropriate lower-case letter next to the modifier.
  Example: if your mother converted from Judaism to marry your 
  father, whose ancestors were Catholics when they came over but he 
  isn't sure how far back that goes before then, your code here would 
  be FHm--/f+.

Pa: Parish Size
  A major bragging point for some. If you know the exact number of
registered attendees at your church, you can use that number after the
letters. If you either aren't sure or don't care, use the scale and
estimate.

   Pa---    I could belong to a church, but I don't.
   Pa--     I'm a solo practitioner because I can't get to the nearest
            church.
   Pa-      Very small (under 100)
   Pa       Small (100-300)
   Pa+      Average (400-700)
   Pa++     Large (800-1,000)
   Pa+++    Very large (over 1,000)
   *Pa      Seat of the diocese (add the appropriate modifier; *Pa--
            isn't allowed)
   @Pa      Seat of an archdiocese (ditto)
   %Pa      My home parish is the Vatican.
   Pa!      Playing the numbers game is prideful.

  People who are under circumstances such as working in the Peace
Corps or stationed at a military base without a Roman Catholic 
chaplain can use the slash (/) convention to denote both their 
current circumstances and home church (i.e., a Peace Corps volunteer 
in a remote section of Africa who has a large home parish would write
Pa--/++).

M: Mass Attendance
  The core item of conduct in the life of any Roman Catholic. How
  often do you go?
   M----   I was baptized and that's it.
   M---    I only show up for weddings and funerals.
   M--     I'll still show up for the occasional Midnight Mass.
   M-      Christmas and Easter Catholic.
   M       At least once a month, especially if a Holy Day falls on
           Sunday.
   M+      I make Sundays regularly, and most of the Holy Days.
   M++     I make every Holy Day of Obligation *and* Good Friday. 
   M+++    I go on weekdays. 
   M++++   I've taken Holy Orders. 
   M?      I don't know when Mass is. 
   M!      I can't go to Mass; I can't reach a parish. 
   @M      I'm a shut-in; Mass comes to me. 
   *M      I'm an altar server/choir member/usher. 
   **M     I'm a deacon/choir director/organist.

In-Mass Participation
  While you're there, how much do you participate?

Si: Music/Singing
   Si-----  I don't even take the hymnal out.
   Si----   I hold the hymnal, but keep my mouth SHUT.
   Si---    Tantum ergo makes your hair grow...
   Si--     I sing sometimes, very quietly.
   Si-      I try to sing the songs I like and lip-synch the rest. 
   Si       I try to sing all of the songs whether I know them or 
            not. 
   Si+      I know all of the songs. 
   Si++     I'm a choir member. 
   Si+++    I'm a cantor/organist/musician. 
   Si++++   I'm the choir director.
   Si+++++  I wrote some of the songs printed in the hymnal. 
   !Si      I took a vow of silence.

CR: Congregation Response
   CR-----  What's all this stand up/sit down/kneel business anyway?
            This is a Mass, not a health club!
   CR----   I follow what the guy in front of me does, about 3 beats
            behind.
   CR---    I try to mumble the responses so it looks like I know what
            I'm doing
   CR--     I know most of the responses, but half the time I don't
            bother to recite them.
   CR-      I try to do all the responses, but I need the missalette.
   CR       I know all the responses, and usually manage to catch the
            cues.
   CR+      I respond about one beat AHEAD of everybody else.
   CR++     I can tell when the priest screws it up.
   CR+++    I'm a liturgical minister.
   CR++++   I'm several different KINDS of liturgical minister - often
            in the same Mass!
   CR+++++  I'm ordained.
   *CR      I *write* the liturgies.

Mu: Music Preferences
   Mu----   What's wrong with playing Jerry Lee Lewis for a wedding
            processional?
   Mu---    o/~ Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya... o/~
   Mu--     Guitars, please. The organist always plays too loud!
   Mu-      I can tolerate classical music on special occasions, but
            regular Mass should have regular music.
   Mu       Some of the older hymns are very pretty.
   Mu+      Hearing the choir do oratorios on the holidays is kind of
            nice, as long as they do them in my native language.
   Mu++     o/~ Adeste Fideles, laeti triumphantes! o/~
   Mu+++    o/~ ...qui tollis in peccata mundi... o/~
   Mu++++   Gregorian chants are the only true music of the Church.
   !Mu      I wish the church would stop making me sing!

Combine these three with colons separating them. Someone who uses
Si--:CR+:Mu+ doesn't sing much, follows along in the service
splendidly, and would prefer to hear a translation of Handel's Messiah
at Christmastime.

L: Latin Language
  Away from form and on to content. What do you think of the original
language of the Mother Church?
   L--      atinLay isway ealray unfay!
   L-       Mass should be in the living language of the people.
   L        I have no preference.
   L+       I prefer Mass in Latin.
   L++      Ritus Trideninalem solam. Extra lingva latina, nolus 
            salus. 
   ?L       Qui en es el Mass Latino?

WP: Women Priests
  What's your stand on one of the hottest issues facing the Church
today?
  WP---    Roma locuta, causa finita.  
          (Rome has spoken, case closed.) 
  WP--     No testis, no vestis.  
          (No priestly balls, no priestly shawls) 
  WP-      We've always done it this way. Nuns can do the readings 
           and give out the Eucharist, isn't that enough?
  WP       Well, maybe, but wouldn't that require two rectories for
           mixed-gender parishes?
  WP+      To limit to folks with testiculi strikes me as awfully
           ridiculi.
  WP++     My women's prayer group is planning a sit-in on the altar
           Sunday.
  WP+++    Let's get outta here; my sister is an Episcopalian bishop
           already!
  WP?      How can you tell their gender under those robes??

P: The Pope
  The Pontifex Maximus and chief resident of the Vatican.
   P---     The Pope is the figurehead of a patriarchal system which
            should have been dismantled years ago.
   P--      The Pope's just another guy in a big hat.
   P-       The Pope is OK except when he speaks on morality.
   P        JPII made Time's man of the year.
   P+       The Pope is infallible in matters of dogma.
   P++      The Pope is infallible and holy.
   P+++     I *am* the Pope.
   P?       Is the Pope Catholic?
   P!       The Pope is not Catholic. He is a heretic. How dare he
            eliminate the Latin mass/allow women to speak in 
            church/be Polish?

R: Visits to Rome
   Rn/m n: number of visits to Rome
        m: number of attended Papal audiences (don't forget, lying is
                                               a sin)

Lenten Observation

These forty days of Lent, O Lord... This is another two-part code; the
codes should be separated with a colon.

D: Dietary restriction (aka the meat question)
   D---     If it bleeds, it leads, I don't care what day it is.
   D--      I try to eat one fish meal on the appropriate days.
   D-       I try to avoid meat on the appropriate days, but it's not
            easy.
   D        But, the beef entree is cheaper than the fish!
   D+       I pull it off on Fridays during Lent.
   D++      I mark my calendar so I don't slip up on Ash Wednesday.
   D+++     I never eat meat on Fridays, I don't care what the Pope
            said. 
   !D       I'm a vegetarian. 
   D?       You're supposed to avoid meat during Lent? 
   D?!      Isn't fish meat?

O: Other sacrifices (especially that coin box so many churches give
out...)
   O---     Hey, I try not to eat meat. Isn't that enough?
   O--      I give up hard candy for Lent.
   O-       I put the coin box they give out on Ash Wednesday on the
            kitchen table and put my pocket change into it.
   O        I use the coin box and try to skip dessert during Lent. 
   O+       I make sure to put the money I would have spent on 
            dessert and the candy bars I would normally buy otherwise 
            into the box.   
   O++      I skip meals and donate the proceeds.   
   O+++     I have hair shirts in my closet and I'm not afraid to 
            wear them!

Ch: Charity
  How much do you give to Church charities?
   Ch--     Hey, I put a buck in the offering plate, leave me alone!
   Ch-      I give in the weekly offering and try to remember to use
            the extra envelopes for the special fundraising 
            offerings.   
   Ch       I donate my used clothing to Catholic Charities.   
   Ch+      I donate annually to Maryknoll/Catholic Charities.   
   Ch++     I buy novenas as Christmas presents.   
   !Ch      The Church has all that gold, why are they hitting ME up? 
   @Ch      I work for a Catholic charitable organization. 
   *Ch      I took a vow of poverty.

B: Boards and organizations
  How involved are you in parish business?
   Bn/m    n=number of congregational boards and organizations
           m=number of regional, diocesal, etc. boards

C: Catholic Christian Doctrine
   C--     My parents couldn't even get me to attend church, let alone
           CCD!
   C-      I made it to Holy Confirmation, but only because my parents
           made me.
   C       I attended through Confirmation and stopped, but it wasn't
           all bad.
   C+      I wish my church had provided classes past twelfth grade.
   C++     I deliberately went to a Catholic college so I wouldn't
           have to stop.
   !C      I went to Catholic school, so I didn't have to go to CCD.
           Nyah. 
   *C      I teach CCD.

CS: Catholic School
   CS---   It was the worst experience of my life. I was traumatized.
   CS--    I hated it, but I survived. 
   CS-     It could have been worse, I guess. 
   CS      The worst part was the uniforms. 
   CS+     The school wasn't bad. 
   CS++    I liked it. I'm sending my kids, but if they ask to leave, 
           I'll let them switch.   
   CS+++   My children will be model students at St. Ignatius of   
           Loyola if I have to personally raid every garbage can on 
           the block to get soup can labels for the food drive!
   !CS     I didn't go to Catholic School.
   *CS     I teach at a Catholic school and I'm not a priest or a nun.
   **CS    I teach at a Catholic school, and I am a priest or a nun.
   @CS     I went to a Catholic college.
  Note how many years you went to Catholic school with the appropriate
figure before the +/- modifiers. Kindergarten counts as one year
regardless of half-day/full day attendance requirements.

Ri: Rites
   Rin      n = number of rites you've received.
  NOTE: Rites are Baptism, First Communion, First Confession, Holy
Confirmation, Marriage, Holy Orders, and Extreme Unction. If you were
married more than once with church consent or had the bad luck to need
Extreme Unction more than once, your figure can exceed seven
(annulments eliminate the Matrimony rite they cancel from the total).
The average Catholic over the age of 25 will have five.

Co: Confession
  It's good for the soul.
   Co---    I never even made my first one. If the Church was still
            selling indulgences, not even Bill Gates could buy me out 
            of Purgatory.
   Co--     I prefer to keep it between myself and God. The priests
            probably blab anyway.
   Co-      I'll talk to a priest if I committed a mortal sin, like
            murder.
   Co       I try to go once a year.
   Co+      I try to make it once a month.
   Co++     I go every week in case I'm hit by a bus.
   Co+++    They've named a confessional for me.

Sc: Scrupulousness in the Confessional
  You do it, but how thorough are you?
   Sc---    I don't tell him I'm a serial killer.
   Sc--     I don't tell him that I beat my kids.
   Sc-      I don't tell him I'm a shoplifter.
   Sc       Father, do we still have to go to confession?
   Sc+      I tell him how many times I used the F-word.
   Sc++     I tell him how many times I said "Heck."
   Sc+++    I tell him about the soup can label I failed to save for
            the food drive.
   Sc?      I don't go to a priest; my honesty is between me and God.
            Since He knows everything, what's the issue?

Rosary
  How do you feel about the gift Mary gave to Her Church?
   Ro----   I use them in postmodern art to symbolize the chains
            organized religion places on the human psyche.
   Ro---    I use them as jewelry. Especially the black ones.
   Ro--     I got one as a child, but I can't find it now and I don't
            really care.
   Ro-      I can muddle through if I have a prayer book for the words
            and mysteries.
   Ro       I know the prayers, but I need a cheat sheet for the
            mysteries.
   Ro+      Full rosary at least once a week, from memory.
   Ro++     Daily rosary, complete with the appropriate mystery.
   Ro+++    ALL THREE sets of mysteries every day.
   Ro++++   I make up extra sets of "mysteries" and meditations for
            variety.
   ?Ro      What's a rosary?

V: Virgin Mary
  Speaking of the Blessed Virgin Mary, what do you think of her?
   V--     Mary was a pregnant unmarried teenager with an ego.
   V-      Mary made the best of a difficult situation.
   V       Mary was a model mother and servant of God.
   V+      Mary is the venerable Mother of God, Immaculately
           Conceived. 
   V++     Mary is Co-Redemptrix. 
   !V      Virgin my foot! She's a co-option of pagan fertility 
           goddesses!

Saints
  Patrons of everything from lost causes to television.
   St---   Saints are icons and tools of Satan to distract us from the
           Lord.
   St--    I thought we were supposed to pray to God, not some dead
           chick who decided to off herself instead of having sex.
   St-     They're dead. They've no bearing on our life now.
   St      Saints provide only a good example of Christian life.
   St+     I invoke saints in an intercessory manner.
   St++    Relics are loci of holy power.
   St+++   I am canonized.
   St?     The football team in New Orleans?
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