3/23/98

How to Hire a Programmer
by Kevin D. Weeks
VB Tech Journal
January 1998

Forget about competency tests, previous work history, personality
profiles like the MBTI, reference-checking, and follow-up interviews. 
After years of rigorous and admittedly maverick research, I've
identified five key characteristics you can use to quickly assess the
fitness of a programmer candidate.  I humbly submit that if you follow
my advice and check for these attributes, you'll shorten your hiring
cycle and simultaneously increase your success rate.

The best programmers prefer cats as pets.  I've canvassed hundreds of
programmers on the subject of preferred pets, and despite the odd
ferret-lover (and believe me, ferret-lovers are odd), time after time
cats turn out to be the non-human companion of choice.  Think about
it; it makes perfect sense because programmers are human cats.  Cats
are night animals, as are programmers.  Cats are independent, like
programmers.  Cats prefer to be left alone except when they want
attention, and so do programmers. Cats are notoriously elegant animals
and ... uhm, well ... programmers love elegant code.  What's more,
software guru Meilir Page-Jones has likened managing programmers to
herding cats.

Turning to the next characteristic, programmers have a highly
developed sense of the absurd.  And if you think about it, this makes
no sense at all.  I don't know why so many programmers can quote The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or know the entire Naughty Hungarian
Phrase Book skit, but they do.  The next time you interview a
programmer candidate throw a "You're all individuals" at him and see
what he says.

Perhaps a sense of the absurd matters because so much of what
developers put up with is absurd - absurd schedules, absurd
requirements, absurd hours. Treating the absurdities of the average
development process with humor makes developers' jobs much easier.

Developers are usually science-fiction fans.  Great programmers love
technology, especially technology that doesn't yet exist.  You're in a
business where the only constant is change, and you need developers
who don't mind a few arrows in their backs.  Make sure your candidate
has read Robert Heinlein's The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress.  And
remember, every programmer worth her salt knows what grok means.  Many
developers also are musicians, painters, or photographers.  Some will
claim this is because both programming and artistic endeavors require
great creativity.  They're wrong.  It's because programming is more
like painting than engineering. Like painters, when programmers make
mistakes, they just code right over them.

Then there's the matter of puns.  I've witnessed online pun-fests that
lasted as long as a week, with as many as 30 programmers trying to
outdo each other.  I've noticed that some participants are punctilious
about staying with the root word, while others approach them as
pun-tests where misspelling words is permitted.  Again, the
predilection makes perfect sense.  Programming is about using language
to accomplish something, and programmers have a highly evolved
appreciation of how a language can be manipulated to specific ends. 
Puns are ways of both displaying a mastery of language and honing it.

So there you have it.  Look for developers who love cats, quote Monty
Python, read Heinlein, play guitar, and are accomplished punsters.  If
you find all these characteristics in a single individual, hire that
person immediately - confident you're hiring a truly great developer.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from CHARITY D CRENSHAW, via UGA Humor List]

Top Ten Signs You're Addicted To Caffeine

1. Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration.

2. Your neighbors often call to complain about the sound of  your
chattering teeth.

3. Instead of Tic Tacs you suck on No Doz.

4. You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso".

5. On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding, and you don't
even own a car.

6. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with
Folgers Crystals.

7. You wake up in the middle of the night screaming,"Coffee! For the
love of God I need coffee!"

8. When a Maxwell House commercial comes on you actually lick the T.V.
screen.

9. You drink so much coffee it starts coming out of your ears.

10. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night.
+---------------------------------------------+
Psalm 23 variations

+-----------------------------------------+
Dieter's Psalm 

My weight is my shepherd;
I shall not want low-calorie foods.
It maketh me to munch on potato chips and bean dip;
It leadeth me into 31 Flavors;
It restoreth my soul food;
It leadeth me in the paths of cream puffs in bakeries.
Yea, though I waddle through the valley of weight watchers,
I will fear no skimmed milk;
For my appetite is with me;
My Hostess "Twinkies" and "Ding Dongs," they comfort me;
They anointeth my body with calories;
My scale tippeth over!
Surely chubbiness and contentment shall follow me
All the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of Marie Calender
Pies...........forever!
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Psalm 23

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart,
All of His commands are user friendly,
His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of file,
I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup;
Your password protects me;
You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies;
Your help is only a key away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, 
And my file will be merged with His and saved forever.
+-----------------------------------------+ 
Psalm 23 for Students

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk; 
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying. 
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break; 
He restores my faith in study guides. 
He leads me to better study habits 
For my grades' sake. 

Yea, tho' I walk through the valley of borderline grades, 
I will not have a nervous breakdown; 
For Thou art with me; 
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me. 
Thou givest me the answers in moments of blankness; 
Thou anointest my head with understanding, 
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize. 

Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me 
All the days of examinations; 
And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
                       THE PSYCHIATRIST'S 23RD PSALM

The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism,

I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic 
hungers  or my need-dispositions. 

He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with 
affective significance, 

He positions me in a non-decisional situation, 

He maximizes my adjustment. 

Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, 

I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. 

His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me. 

He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my
Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions. 

He promotes my group identification. 

My personality is totally integrated. 

Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function
of time 

And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically
secure forever. 
+--------------------------------------+ 
[from Brenda Daverin, on Rehu] 
c 1997 Brenda Daverin. Please do not distribute without this notice.

The San Franciscan 23rd Psalm

The Deity is my self-esteem facilitator,
I shall not want for Prozac.
He/She/It guides me through the open space preserves,
He/She/It leads me beside the seasonal creek bed,
He/She/It restores my inner child.
He/She/It sets before me a low-fat vegan banquet
Which I share with my support group.
He/She/It anoints my head with Rogaine
My recycling bin overflows.
Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of weight gain,
I shall fear no obesity
For his/her/its goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days that I exercise
And I shall soak in the hot tub of the Deity forever.

(c) 1997 Brenda Daverin. Please do not distribute without this notice.
+--------------------------------------+ 
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

The Joy of Coffee

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures:  it leadeth me beyond the
sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz:  it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for
its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I
will fear no Equal (tm):  for thou art with me; thy cream and thy
sugar they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez:
thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Maxwell for ever.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

A Hollywood stuntman who could perform any deed was hired to perform
in a thrilling Western movie. The script called on the stuntman to
become a kind of springboard. 

To help the white settlers escape the persuing Indians, the script
called for the daredevil to lie on a cliff's edge and push out as far
as he could, holding his body stiff so that the settttlers could use
the extra six feet provided to jump safely to the opposite cliff
edge. 

The stuntman thought that this particular deed was so hazardous that
he should be paid double time for his efforts. But no matter how
hard he tried, he couldn't convince the producer that the stunt was
worthy of extra pay. 

Morosely, as he went through with it and jutted from the cliff, he
murmured to himself mournfully, .... "Here I am, a ledge end on my
own time."

+---------------------------------------------+
Fun things to do in space or during an abduction or alien encounter:
(By Paul Maddox)

o Pee everywhere. That stuff is messy in zero gravity.

o Push heaps of buttons on the control panel of the mothership.

o Find biosamples from other planets and let them roam  free.

o Cough a lot. (haha the aliens probably don't have the
   right antibodies to stop the virus from killing them  hahaha)

o Pretend to be dead, then when they get close, scream
    in  their face.

o Call them names. (eg. Fathead, Bug-eyes etc.)

o Play in the airlock.

o If they're studying you, make cow noises.

o Go space-debris-shooting with the Ion Cannon.

o Step on their feet.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.witchvox.com/wars/ww_fieldguide.html ]

A Field Guide to the Modern Pagan....

Anal Retentive Ceremonial : Book collection actually holds up the
ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once.
Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their
magical diaries are in Enochian. 

Distinguishing Signs: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly
aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary
conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart. 



Ravin' Pagan : Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night.
Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from
sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say
"Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence
McKenna. 

Distinguishing Signs: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the
eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile,
never goes anywhere without ritual drum. 



Dances With Bunnyrabbits : Uses animal symbolism to express nearly
all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters
should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit
animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of
their spirit animal. 

Distinguishing Signs: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many
animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five
(including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies),
you've found a worshipper of beasties. 



Childe Ov Kaos : Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without
pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels
that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you
screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or
boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a
combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know
what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb. 

Distinguishing Signs: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or
bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or
research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank
officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping. 



Bright-Eyed Novice : You just read this cool book about a religion
where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature,
instead of some scary old building. They think sex is good not evil,
and you want to know where to sign up. 

Distinguishing Signs: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a
moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny
new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".) 



Crowley-In-A-Past-Life : Every magical gathering has at least one of
these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner,
Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of
them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams
rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great
detail.


Distinguishing Signs: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the
backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the
garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet. 



Fairie Queen : Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are
those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting
answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on
the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you
might have a real good time ... 

Distinguishing Signs: When you look at this person, does every sex
act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If
so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie! 



Grand Old Wo/Man : Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will
tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley
- or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with
three names. Or was it three people with one name? 

Distinguishing Signs: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently,
knows dish about people you've only read about. 



Fundamentapagan : If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an
old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was
handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then
it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at
a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance.
Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular
job dare not call themselves a pagan. 

Distinguishing Signs: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old
"Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting
everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian. 



Het-Case : Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that
Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could
be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any
other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to
jump their tender hetro bones. 

Distinguishing Signs: Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs
with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long
manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have
big, bushy beards instead). 



High Episcopagan : Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a
stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours?
It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde
Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and
consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy
Garland and Busby Berkeley. 

Distinguishing Signs: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows
every note of "Carmina Burana" Don't ask them about that 18th century
seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to
spare. 



Monster Truck Pagan : Can build own house, kill own food, school own
children, and brew own hootch. Owns guns. Anointing oil is 30 weight.
Scrying mirror says "objects are closer than they appear". 

Distinguishing Signs: Athame is a Gerber with a compass and
waterproof secret compartment. Eats meat with visible twitches of
pleasure. Ritual robes made from cammo fabric. 



Norse Code : Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble
with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for
running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn
in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp,
you're expressly not invited. 

Distinguishing Signs: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like
persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their
necks. 



Our Lady Of Intense Suffering : Is constantly persecuted. You're
probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became
a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of
all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun
when so many are suffering. 

Distinguishing Signs: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor
than Priest/ess of Political Correctness. Bristles when anyone says the
words "masochist" or "whining". 



Pagan Celebrity : At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that
requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of
conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being
mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every
sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a
press release. 

Distinguishing Signs: Always has plenty of books to autograph and
will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover
price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and
doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't
already know. 



Pentacles, Inc. : Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how
come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces
-- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic
zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa
or MasterCard? 

Distinguishing Signs: Has business cards featuring little embossed
pentagrams. You've never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a
human being in your whole life. 



Priest/ess of Political Correctness : Analyzes everything they read
or hear for sexist - racist - homophobic - imperialist - Eurocentric
content without paying attention to what is actually being said.
Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be
overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right.
Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time. 

Distinguishing Signs: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in
motion, waiting for someone to do or say something _bad_. Has loud
and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday
things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense
of humor is rarely activated. 



Scary Devil Worshipper : Would never be caught dead skyclad. Rarely
smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an
ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and
read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis.
Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're
capable of vast destruction. 

Distinguishing Signs: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women
favor heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere
on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar,
it would be wise to stay far away. 



Sexy Pagan Nymph : Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round,
sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation
with them between orgasms... pant, drool... 

Distinguishing Signs: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will
recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors.
Often destitute. All too few of them 



Womyncentric Gynocrat : A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she
spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice,
thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for
hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood. 

Distinguishing Signs: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for
amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently
from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and
stops talking. 



Corporate Closet Witch : "Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd
as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows
concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind
working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit
being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again
boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas." 

Distinguishing Signs: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at
the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously
looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of
dress, no conspicuous tattoos. 



Tree Hugging Nature Sprite : Most prized possession: one of Judi
Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love
for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted
state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's
notice. Can discuss compost in great detail. 

Distinguishing Signs: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic,
no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested
cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant. 



I Am Not Spock (at the moment) : Knows at least three filks about
Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to
create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks.
Can name ninety different kinds of space ships. 

Distinguishing Signs: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives
with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other
insignia. Too smart for their own good. 



TechnoPagan : Often found discussing the best method of removing hot
wax from keyboards. Seems unaccustomed to sunlight. Have had
coven-mates for years whom they have never seen face to face, much
less know which continent they live on. 

Distinguishing Signs: Casts circle with #5 torx driver. Chalice
contains Jolt. BoS is writtin in Perl. Refers to eclectic ritual as
"cross-platforming." Thinks "naked in your rites" means a non-GUI
environment. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

During the most intensive days of the cold war, the Central
Intelligence Agency undertook a recruitment drive to booster its ranks
and try to rectify the Soviet intelligence advantages. During the
initial interviews, two candidates appeared particularly promising.

Wayne and Amber were a brother and sister team. Although their fervor
and patriotism could not be denied and their aptitude for spying was
peerless, their one flaw was their inability to get along withe each
other. Rarely did a moment go by when they weren't arguing, bickering
or insulting each other. As unorthodox as this behavior may have been,
they were admitted to the CIA's training program and both excelled in
all of their training. 

However, throughout their training they were constantly arguing and
screaming at each other. Their first assignment was to infiltrate a
groop of Soviet agents who were using Washington's nightclubs and
restaurants as meeting places to plan their activities. Wayne and
Amber had to become familiar with the coming and going of these
restaurant patrons. 

One night they had to visit five restaurants in a row. In order to
protect their covers, they had to fit in with the restaurant crowd;
that meant drinking and dining as legitimate patrons at these elegant
eating establishments. As they went from restaurant to restaurant,
they argued, bickered and screamed at each other, all the while
eating full meals and drinking their fill. 

Because this was their first assignment, they were observed by a
couple of CIA veterans. The observers were amazed by their huge
appetites but did witness their arguing. One observer turned to the
other and said, .... "They're dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber
raves at Wayne." 

(Thanks to Theodore Brett) 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Top Five List.  See bottom.]

NOTE FROM CHRIS:  Patrick Stewart is the actor who played Capt. Jean
Luc Picard in the Star Trek: Next Generation series. He just did a
TV-movie version of "Moby Dick," in the role of Captain Ahab.  Moby
Dick was this great big whale, you see...

   The Top 15 Changes in "Moby Dick" Starring Patrick Stewart

15. "Thar she blows!" replaced by "White whale decloaking off
    the starboard bow!  Red alert!"

14. After animal rights activists complain, producers change
    Ahab's quest and send him to J.C. Penney's in search of the
    Great White Sale.

13. Captain Ahab spends time with Moby Dick, a large white mammal
    with no hair.  Conspicuously absent is William Shatner,
    a large white mammal with no hair.

12. Controversial scene in which Captain Ahab harpoons a drowning
    Leonardo DiCaprio.

11. Captain Ahab is transported to the whale's belly to bring
    Jonah a nice bowl of chicken soup.

10. "Sea -- the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the
    Star-Kist Enterprise."

 9. In a cheesy display of product placement, Starbuck now brings
    the captain coffee every morning.

 8. "Non-traditional casting" allows blue whale to play role of
    Moby Dick.

 7. You just KNOW the unknown crewmen with the red tunics are
    going to fall overboard before the first commercial.

 6. In response to pressure from Ralph Reed and Pat Robertson,
    name of the whale has been changed to "Moby Richard."

 5. Two words: Blowhole Cam

 4. "Prime directive be damned!  I said, kill the whale that bit
    off my friggin' leg!"

 3. A couple of phaser blasts over their heads and those Greenpeace
    wimps scatter.

 2. Whale beamed aboard the ship in the first minute.  Rest of the
    movie sucks.


 and the Number 1 Change in "Moby Dick" Starring Patrick Stewart...


 1. Ahab also searching for Moby Dick's big brother, Moby
    Diggler.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
+---------------------------------------------+
[from L. Rodney Ford via GCLF]

Primate Committee Thinking Experiment

Start with a cage containing five apes.  In the cage, hang a banana on
a string and put stairs under it.  Before long, an ape will go to the
stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.  As soon as he touches
the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.  After a while,
another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are
sprayed with cold water.

Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will
try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.  The
New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.  To his horror,
all of the other apes attack him.  After another attempt and attack,
he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a
New one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.  The previous
Newcomer takes  part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one.  The new onem
makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes
which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.  Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

Sound familiar?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Computer Jokes list:
e-mail: MAJORDOMO@why-not.com, message:subscribe computer-jokes ]


           STOP THE GENOCIDE
         Erkki Tapola 29-Jul-96

Every second billions of innocent assembler instructions are executed
all over the world. Inhumanly they are put on a pipeline and executed
with no regard to their feelings. The illegal instructions are spared,
although they should be executed instead of the legal ones.

Prior to the execution the instructions are transported to a cache
unit using a bus. There they spent their last moments waiting for the
execution. Just before the execution the instruction is separated into
several pieces. The execution isn't always fast and painless. On crude
hardware the execution of a complex instruction can take as long as
150 clock cycles. Scientists are working on shorter execution times.

Microsoft endorses the needless execution of instructions with their
products like DOS(TM), Windows(TM), Word(TM) and Excel(TM). It is more
humane to use software which minimises the executions.

Modern machines use several units to execute multiple instructions
simultaneously. This way it is possible to execute several hundred
million instructions per second. The time is near when there will be
no more instructions to execute.

  ACT NOW! Before it's too late

 This article was written on recycled paper by hand.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Terry Galan, via UGA Humor List]

 Jake is struggling through the bus station with two very large and
 obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger stops him and asks, "Do you
 know what time it is?" Jake sighs, puts the suitcases down and
 glances at his wrist. It's 2:05 p.m." he says. "Hey, that's a pretty
 fancy watch!" exclaimed the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah,
 it's not bad. Check this out," and he shows him a time zone display
 not just for every time zone but for the 86 largest metropoli. He
 hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The
 time is eleven o'five," in a very west Texas accent. A few more
 buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
 continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display
 is unbelievable and the voice is crystal clear.

 The stranger is dumbstruck with admiration. "That's not all", says
 Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high
 resolution map of New York city appears on the display. "The flashing
 dot shows our exact location via satellite positioning", explains
 Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show
 eastern New York state.

 "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh no, it's not ready
 for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor.
 "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is
 also a very creditable little AM/FM digital receiver, a sonar device
 that can measure distances up to 125 feet, a pager with a thermal
 paper printer and, most impressive of all, the capacity to handle
 voice recordings of up to 300 standard size books, though I only have
 32 of my favourites in there so far", says Jake.

 "I've got to have this watch", says the stranger.
 "No, you don't understand. It's not ready yet."
 "I'll give you $1,000 for it!"
 "Oh no, I've already spent much more than that."
 "I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
 "But it's just not...."
 "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out his cheque
 book. Jake stops to think. He's only put $8,500 into materials and
 development and with $15,000 he can certainly make another one and
 have it ready for merchandising in only 6 months. The stranger
 frantically finishes writing the cheque and waves it in front of
 Jake. "Here it is. I'm ready to hand it to you right here and now.
 $15,000! Take it or leave it."

 Jake abruptly makes his decision. "Okay", he says and peels off the
 watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

 "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around
 warily. Jake points to the two suitcases that he'd been trying to
 wrestle through the station. "Don't forget your batteries."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

Adage - An adage is a wise saying that you can rewrite to
        suit your purpose, add to or even create a new one.

* Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday...
  But not nearly enough !!!

* Cockiness is that self-assured feeling you have
  just before you realize you should have known better

* You can lead a man to Congress...
  But you can't make him think

* A woman's place is in the home...
  And she should go directly there, right after work

* If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs,
  You're probably the cause of it all in the first place

* It's hard to plan for the future...
  When you're so damn busy fixing what you screwed up yesterday

* Behind every great man is a woman
  telling him he's not so damn hot

* If at first you don't succeed...
  See if there's any government aid for the loser

* Never hit a man when he's down...
  Kick him -- it's easier, quicker and does far more damage

* If at first you don't succeed...
  Don't worry about it -- I mean "she" told you so !

* Most people can't handle prosperity...
  Thankfully, most people don't have to anyway

* Maybe hard work never killed anybody...
  But then relaxing is responsible for very few casualties
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Chris Gill - "Rawhide" is the theme song of a TV 
Western series back when I was a kid]

 Sung to the tune of Rawhide...

 Loading, loading, loading,
 Damn this Java coding,
 Feeling of forboding, Reload!
 The Applet says it's running,
 And that big grey block is stunning,
 But the screen remains as blank as my mind
 Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
 Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on,
 Still off-line! Reload!
 Try it now, Still not up!
 Netscape crashed, What, again?
 Boot it up, Log it in, Reload!

 Tighten, tweakin', smoothen,
 They say the codes improvin',
 So how come I'm still usin' "reload"?
 I'm tired of all this waitin',
 Just give me .gif animation,
 This code is only good for wasting time,
 The applet says it's running,
 And grey block is quite stunning,
 But the screen remains as blank as my mind,

 (Midi solo)
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep,beep

 Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
 Net goes down, Dial back!
 Logging on, Still off-line!
 Reload!
 Try it now, Still not up!
 Netscape crashed, What, again?
 Boot it up, Log it in,
 Reload! Reload!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Brian Katz, via Jewish Humor List]

>CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET OFF THIS LIST?? HELP
>
You will need to read the whole of this message.
After reading this you WILL know how to get off the list.

Its a painful multi-stage process ...

1. First you appreciate the humour (for that you don't have to be
Jewish.) and realize that this is no ordinary list. 

2. You get tired of the humour and start questioning your membership 

3. You feel guilty about questioning your membership and begin to
suffer, torn between the guilt, feeling good about feeling guilty and
the terrible humour.

4. You read a joke that offends your "denomination" and you no
longer feel guilty. 

5. You send out a cry for help, from the depths of your despair. 

6. You get this stupid message in reply. 

7. You are told that complete and copious instructions on how to
unsubscribe from the List (all rise and chant: biz a hunderd un
tzvanztig) are at the bottom of every message you get from the List
(all rise and chant ...) and no other List (one last time ...). 

8. Type up the message as instructed, take 3 steps back, bow to the
left, bow to the right and click on either Queue or Send (depending
on whether you use an Orthodox Adoreyou, Conservative Escape or
Reconstructionist Explorer) 

9. You are ex communicated. 

10. Repeat after me ..Yisgadol vyiskdoish .. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[all from Stan Kegel]

Egyptian Irrigation

During an anthropology class Harvard University, two students became
very interested in how the ancient Egyptians managed to irrigate that
dry country. They decided to visit Egypt to try to determine how the
ancient Egyptians drew water from the Nile. They went off to Egypt
where they found out that the same methods used over two thousand
years ago were still in place. They began examining the pipes, ducts
and sewers of Cairo. They even examined the bathroom facilities in the
public buildings. When they returned, they decided to change their
course of study from anthropology and become .... pharaoh faucet
majors.
-------

Hares to Paris

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the
French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in
Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched
all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None
could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could
have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully
raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a
restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young
man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have
.... a hutch back of Notre Dame.
-------

There was a poor shepherd who had one son. The son would try to help
his father with his chores. However, he always had to do things his
own way and would never obey his father's orders. One day his father
told him explicitly not to lead the herd across the frozen pond, The
boy, anxious to get his chores over with in order to go play with his
friends grabbed the lead sheep roughly and tugged him across the pond
with all the other sheep following close behind, He, thus, succeeded
in .... pulling the wool over his father's ice.
-------

During a very cold winter's night, a shepherd sent his two sons up to
the high pasture, many miles from their house, to make certain the
sheep were not suffering from the cold. The two young shepherds
trudged out reluctantly, and when they reached the pasture, one was so
tired he would not go into the pasture to check the sheep. The other
dutifully spent most of the night rounding up sheep and herding them
into a corral. The next night, the father journeyed up to the high
pasture to check on his sons and the sheep. He found the dutiful son
asleep. Asking him how he felt, the son replied he was cold and tired
from working all night, and his lamp had gone out. The father, proud
of his loyal, hard-working son, gave him oil and a wick for his lamp.
When the father checked on his other son, he found him soundly asleep.
Upon waking him, he asked how he was, and the son replied that he was
cold because his lamp had gone out. When he asked for a new lamp, his
father replied, "You can have no lamp. ... There is no wick for the
rested."
-------

Yesterday I went into an antiquarian music store, wanting to buy a
Mick Jagger solo album. Unfortunatedly, I tripped, and the Jagger LP
went flew out of my hand like a frisbee and broke two records
featuring Jim McGuinn, David Crosby, Chris Hillman, Gene Clark and
Michael Clarke. Sadly, I had to pay.. As he was collecting the
damages, the owner said, "You killed two Byrds with one Stone!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

               MANAGED FRIENDSHIP
  ____________________________________________

Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about
friends and relationships!  The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP)
combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network, with
important cost-saving features.

  How Does It Work?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs).  All your
friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

  What's Wrong with my Current Friends?

If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services
from a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together
from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools.  The result is often
costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current
friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs
with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of
friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are
coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the
quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.

  How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a
  Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?

Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship
Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality
Friendship in a cost- effective manner.  They have joined our network
because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing
the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have
caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our
Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship
and loyalty.

  What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to
pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed
Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of
his/her friendship.

  Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship
  Network?

You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in
the event of a Friendship Emergency.

  What is a Friendship Emergency?

The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after
regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone
else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly
find that you feel lonely.  In such cases, you may make a New Friend,
and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan,
provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour
Friendship Hotline) within two business days.

  What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:

       - Agreeing with you

       - Appearing sympathetic

       - Chewing the fat

       - Dropping by

       - Feeling your pain

       - Gossiping

       - Hanging out

       - Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*

       - Joshing

       - Kidding around

       - Listening to you whine

       - Partying

       - Passing the time

       - Patting your back

       - Ribbing

       - Sharing a meal

       - Shooting the breeze

       - Slinging the bull

       - Teasing

       *up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan

  What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not
limited to):

       - Bar hopping

       - Bending over backwards

       - Drinking to excess

       - Giving a hoot

       - Going the extra mile

       - Lending money

       - Real empathy

       - Sexual favors

       - Truly caring

       - Using illicit drugs


  How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

A simple call is all it takes.  If you need a friend, just call our
toll-free number.  Or visit our web site.  Sign up for the  Managed
Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate
friendship needs will be met.

  Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?

We do.  Isn't that what friends are for? 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Letter From Camp

Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is
making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and
worried.

We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain
looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother
and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to
ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would
have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire
so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of
our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We
will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We
think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot
with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer
until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb
is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is
teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the
mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there
are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim
and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us
take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some
of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working
on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what?

We have all passed our first aid merit badges.

When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it
probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to
go now. We are going into town to mail our letters.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/5341/humor.html ]

Yuppie Pagans

How to tell if you are a yuppie pagan:

You call your corners on a cellular phone
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa
You use a remote control in place of an athame
You simply can't use any water other than Perrier
You download your book of shadows

-------------
Did you hear about the psychic in the car wreck?
She had an auto-body experience.

What do you say to an angry witch?
Ribbit.

What happens when a ceremonial magician gets mad?
He goes quaballistic.

Why did the blonde pagan have a lasso?
She wanted to draw down the moon.

How do you know when a blonde pagan has closed the circle?
There's white-out on the floor.

What do you call thirteen witches in a hot tub?
A self-cleaning coven.

What's the best thing about having pagan friends?
They worship the ground you walk on...

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

What is a witch's favorite snack?
Pan pizza.

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in gosh

Jesus saves! Gretsky gets the rebound...he shoots...he scores!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I have the body of a god: Budda.

The goddess is alive and she ate my homework...
---------

Pagan Light bulb jokes

How many solitary witches does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
One.

How many Sumerians does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
All of them.

How many Dianics does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

How many Dianic women does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
That's W-I-M-M-I-N...AND IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY!

How many Druids does it take to change a Light bulb?
501. One to change the bulb, and 500 to align the stones.

How many ceremonial magicians does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
Just one. He stands still and waits for the world to revolve around
him.

How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a Light bulb?
Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for
us!

How many Pagans does it take to change a Light bulb?
Six. One to change it, five to sit around complaining that light bulbs
never burned out before Christians came along.

How many witches does it take to change a Light bulb?
Depends on what you want it changed into...

How many Buckland witches does it take to change a Light bulb?
"Refer to my second book, "Practical Light bulb changing" by
Raymond Buckland..."

How many New Agers does it take to change a Light bulb?
(in a sing-song voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just charge our
crystals and watch them glow...

How many astrologers does it take to change a Light bulb?
Don't ask me now, mercury's retrograde!

How many Asatruar does it take to change a Light bulb?
None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a Light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Pentacostals does it take to change a Light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine others to pray against the powers of
darkness.

How many T.V. evangelists does it take to change a Light bulb?
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, 
send in your tax-deductible donation today.

How many Alexandrians does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
That's the Maiden's job. Maiden- make it so.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Rhett, on Rehu]

          **Top Ten Rejected Mottos for the State of Montana**

10. Montana: Because there's no one around to hear you scream.

9. We're just right of Idaho!  And that ain't easy.

8. Montana: What are the chances we have any more psychotic,
anti-government, anti-technology, backward, anarchist nuts left?

7. Live free or we'll kill ya.

6. This year radio, next year indoor plumbing!

5. Come for the excitement . . . stay for the trials.

4. Now with HBO!

3. You talkin' to ME?!?

2. Yet another state that starts with M.

1. Come to where the . . . uh, wait, we don't have anything, never
mind. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.flash.net/~comedy ]

Today is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. So here goes:

- Spring Cat Cleaning Day. For best results use the "Delicate" cycle.

- Grease Your Automatic Garage Door Opener Without Getting Grease in
Your Hair Day. 

- Salt and Pepper Integration Day, a day to mix your salt and pepper
in one shaker to encourage moderation in the use of both. 

- Antiacid Appreciation Day, sometimes called Burpless Thursday.

- Shave Off Half Your Moustache Day. 

- Spring Sock Hunting Day, a day to turn the house upside-down to
find all those missing odd socks. 

- Macaroni and Cheese Day. Try to give away free bites door-to-door.

- Start A New Hobby Day. Go to every hardware store in town and see
how many different free paint samples you can collect. 

- Kiss Somebody the Way They Used to Do It In the Movies Without
Slobbering Day. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jewish Humor List]

  Holy Land: Disney supports new solution to status of Jerusalem

  Jerusalem (JFP)--When U.S. peace negotiator Dennis Ross was asked by
  reporters, immediately following the conclusion of the grueling
  Hebron accord, where his next destination would be, the weary
  diplomat answered "I want to go to Disneyland." Most observers
  understood this to be nothing more than a wish for well-deserved
  relaxation from the exhausting demands of Middle East diplomacy.

  However, sources close to the Netanyahu government have now let it
  slip that Ross's words were actually a veiled hint at a possible
  solution to the next, most difficult  stage, in the implementation
  of the peace process, the formidable discussions regarding the final
  status of Jerusalem. A potential breakthrough in the anticipated
  impasse may now have been reached as a result of an unexpected offer
  from the Disney corporation.

  Although all parties concerned insist that the final arrangements
  will have to be settled through direct negotiations between the
  involved parties, the preliminary details are as follows:

  The Old City of Jerusalem will be leased for an undetermined length
  of time to the Disney corporation, who will turn it into a religious
  theme park that will tentatively be called "Holy Land." The park
  will be subdivided into "Jewish Land," "Christian Land" and "Muslim
  Land," with the area of each coinciding roughly with the extent of
  Old Jerusalem's present religious "quarters."

  Precise blueprints for the park have of course not been finalised,
  but the Disney planners, speaking off the record, were visibly
  enthusiastic about the potential for a series of mechanical rides
  and roller coasters based on appropriate themes. "We have already
  produced outlines of a simulation in which visitors, drive along on
  tracks, will retrace the steps of the High Priest through the
  ancient Temple, culminating in a special surprise in the Holy of
  Holies." A similar ride has been devised for the Via Dolorosa,
  following the stations of the cross.

  The greatest excitement is being generated by the projected
  "Muhammad's Night Journey" ride which will be based on the Muslim
  prophet's ascent on the steed Buraq through the heavens from the
  Al-Aqsa mosque.

  Officials of the Israeli government were understandably reluctant
  about confirming the above plans. However one spokesman, Michael
  Ma'oz of the Foreign Ministry, agreed to discuss some of the issues
  involved, stressing that none of these statements were, at this
  moment, more than distant speculations.

  When asked about likely opposition from Israel's powerful Orthodox
  parties, Ma'oz replied that this appears to be less of a problem
  than previously feared. Disney has agreed to make generous
  contributions to a number of yeshivahs and other religious
  institutions. "Many ultra-Orthodox seem quite pleased by the
  prospect that they can get paid in dollars just for walking around
  in their traditional clothing. In fact," said Ma'oz, "the rabbis
  were generally less concerned with the content of the park, which
  their own people would be unlikely to visit, than with receiving
  assurances that the Disney folks will not allow the inclusion of any
  "Reform Street" or "Conservative Square" (A Disney representative
  did however suggest that non-Orthodox neighbourhoods might be
  included in prospective satellite parks outside of Israel).

  Asked whether this would contradict Prime Minister Netanyahu's
  pre-election commitment to an eternally united Israeli Jerusalem,
  Mr. Ma'oz muttered an obscure comment about Pinocchio's nose, and
  proceeded to point out how "Egged"'s proposed new combined monorail
  and roller-coaster would provide welcome relief from the capital's
  traffic congestion.

  A representative of the Jerusalem Waqf, `Adan al-Duq, was visibly
  upset when approached with questions about the alleged plan. 
  However, he too acknowledged that the anticipated antagonism from
  fundamentalist circles would probably not materialise.

  "The Disney people appear to have learned their lesson from the
  Aladdin fiasco. They were very reasonable about withdrawing their
  original suggestion about attaching mouse-ears to the Dome of the
  Rock, and will definitely not be opening any new tunnels. Also, a
  private agreement may have been reached with President Arafat." Mr.
  al-Duq was reluctant to go into detail, but rumours circulating in
  the Jericho marketplace speak of a Disney commitment to allow Mr.
  Arafat to fulfill a childhood dream involving wearing a costume
  (possibly of a character from "Snow White") at the California
  Disneyland.

  Sources in the Holy See hinted at a package deal that would allow
  for the eventual establishment of a "Vatican Land" in Rome.

  The issue that troubles most people about the plan, is of course,
  the security question: Can the Disney crew maintain law and order in
  the volatile environment of Jerusalem's Old City?

  "No problem!" a spokesperson assured us. Remember that the
  Disney family has official links with at least one world-famous
  law-enforcement agency. "I can't reveal anything official at this
  stage, but we expect the area to be policed by an agency that we
  refer to as the `Temple Mounties'."

  Standing at the foot of the Temple Mount, the Disney representative
  assured us that every effort would be made not to alter or interfere
  with the city's traditional religious life-styles and traditions.
  His assurance was symbolically underscored as the ancient chant of
  the muezzin filled the air with the proclamation "Allah hu `Achbar."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

TOP TEN REASONS AOL RAISED ITS RATES

Sure, AOL is a money machine.  But even the online giant needs
an extra boost to the bottom line once in a while.  Here's why:

10. Pay off the settlement to Tim McVeigh

9.  Severance for CompuServe employees

8.  Need to raise money to buy Netscape

7.  Steve Case is jealous of Larry Ellison's fighter jet

6.  Have to pay the fee to the guys who creamed Bill Gates in Belgium

5.  AOL programmers are all requesting "interns" 

4.  Need money to pay James Earl Jones to record a new version of
"You've got mail"

3.  Hiring bouncers for the chat rooms

2.  El Nino

1.  Because they can
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview

10.  I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.

9. Do you pay overtime?

8. I hate flying.

7. I'm useless without twelve hours of sleep a night.

6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.

5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?

4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.

3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember
whole phrases.

2. Two words: family first.

1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Laugh-A-Lot!  See bottom.]

Suggestions for April Fool's Day

1. Have a water drinking contest. (Amusement Potential: 5-10
minutes)

While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good
afterward.  To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups
upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.


2. Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around.
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)

This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle.
Conduct as an experiment, with log book - does this really work?


3. Have a "Who is less competitive" competition. (AP: 1-3 minutes)

Trying to win at this will make you lose.  Trying to lose makes you
win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which
makes you win which makes you lose.


4. Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view.
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes)

Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint
from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans).  It's
never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops
of shelves, etc.  Try looking at things from its point of view, too.


5. Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear. (AP: 1-5 minutes)

Best done to sleeping people.  Added challenge in having no one else
around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else.  Try to beat
your record number of times before the person catches on.


6. Dip hand in water, fake a sneeze while flicking water on back of
person's neck. (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes)

Always a good gag, works great on girlfriend's sister who doesn't
know you that well yet who freezes and doesn't know how she should
react.  To magnify reaction, act like you're not sorry at all for
what they think you did.  Comment instead on the quality of that
sneeze.


~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot!  - The daily clean-jokes-only list! ~~~~~ *
To join or leave the list, email: <laughalot-request@graceweb.org>
Send the message:  SUBSCRIBE  or  UNSUBSCRIBE  (No other words!) *
Send new clean jokes to: jokes@graceweb.org * No cows were shot, blown
up, or injured to manufacture this email. * Joke Compilations (c)1998;
Permission granted to forward, or post on other lists/sites; if this
notice is fully included, thanks! *

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dave Hemming, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

"LOOK-AND-FEEL" LAWSUIT
by Dave Hemming

This is original from me.  It was originally an answer I wrote for the
Internet Oracle -- I've reworked it as a stand alone.

*    *    *    *    *

To:  Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.

From:  Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.

Sirs:

Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your
recent product entitled Windows '95.  Therefore We now give you
statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken against
Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.

With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser extent
all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised
"look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

  o   Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest
      pits of Hell;

  o   No man can be in it's presence for too long without being
      driven into gibbering insanity;

  o   A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal
      herd;

  o   Those who associate with it for too long develop common
      physical characteristics, to wit:  pale, clammy skin, bulging
      eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards
      nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal men do not
      eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human
      flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien Gods);

  o   Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are
      reputed to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance
      and only available at a terrible cost to the user.

  o   The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate
      the world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal
      damnation.

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider
that most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles
for faces scoop out their brains and eat them.

We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle out
of court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners
spend the rest of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in
a maximum security psychiatric hospital.  After all, it was the Lords
of the Outer Planes who gave humanity lawyers in the first place.

Respectfully yours,

<Oddly disturbing squiggle in some sort of ichor>

pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dave Wigley, on Rehu]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical.  After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired.  Several years later his company contacted
him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one
of their multi-million dollar machines.  They had tried everything and
everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.  In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.  He spent a day studying
the huge machine.  At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk
on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is
where your problem is".  The part was replaced and the machine worked
perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.  The
engineer responded briefly:

                  One chalk mark .. ..... .....      $1
                  Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Doug McNees, via UGA Humor List]

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (But probably wishes he had!)

--A crooked path is the shortest way to the state prison.

--There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having
  to get up.

--What this country needs are colleges that teach everything
  the students think they already know.

--Saying it with flowers doesn't mean throwing bouquets at
  yourself.

--Childhood is that wonderful period when all you need to do
  to lose weight is take a bath.

--Nowadays when a woman says her new evening gown is nothing,
  she means it.

--Drive toward others as you would have others drive toward you.

--What you don't owe certainly won't hurt you.

--A diet helps people to gain weight slower.

--Much of history is just gossip that has grown old gracefully.

--The human brain is the apparatus with which we think we think.

--If you watch a game, it's fun.  If you play it, it's recreation.
  If you work at it, it's golf!

--You can always tell a man who's head of the house.  He's a
  bachelor.

--Drive-in banks were established so that automobiles could
  see their real owners occasionally.

--Be loyal to your boss because the next one might be worse.

--The fellow who blows his horn the loudest is usually in the
  biggest fog.

--Her birthday cake had so many candles on it she was fined
  for air pollution.

--We are only young once.  That is all society can stand.

--Bigamy is the only law on the books where two rites make
  a wrong.

--Only one out of four women who die go to heaven.  Any more
  and it would be hell!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell
you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you
because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've
made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after
54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my
son, and I thought  you should know. I really don't want to get into
it anymore than this.  You can call your sister and tell her. It will
spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told
her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for
several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an
appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down.
Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

" Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off
seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and
break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells
him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they
and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone,
but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to
his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we
going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the
hoildays ? "
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dickibus, on Rehu]

This is an actual letter sent to the Secretary of Agriculture,
Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr Secretary:
My friend Bordereaux received a check for $1000.00 from the Government
for not raising hogs and so i am going into the not raising hog
business. What I want to know, is what is the best kind of land not to
raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would
prefer not to raise raiserbacks, but if this is not the best kind not
to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas. The
hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual
record on each one of the hogs I do not raise.

My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and
the most he ever made was $400.00 in 1918 until this year when he
received $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs. I will get $2000.00 for not
raising 100 hogs, etc. I plan to start off on a small scale, holding
myself down to 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive
$800,000.00.

Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn.
I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for
not raising 100,000 bushels of corn which I will not feed to the hogs
which I am not raising? I want to get started as soon as possible, as
this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs.

                            Yours very truly,
                            Octave Brussard

P.S. Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side so we can have a little ham
and bacon to eat?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Patrick Ash, via UGA Humor List]

Redmond, Wash.
April 1, 1998

Microsoft today announced the newest addition to its popular Windows
(TM) line of computer operating systems. Code named Atlantis, the
newest offering will be officially known as Win '00, pronounced
Windows double zero.

At the gala press conference, complete with red, white, and blue
lights bathing the stage, Bill Gates, President and CEO of
Microsoft, personally made the announcement. Multicast to every
corner of the world, Gates spoke to the huge crowd of computer press,
as a 60 foot high video screen behind him showed his face, and
Aerosmith sang their hit 'Dream On' in the background.

"We are on the verge of the new millenium, and Microsoft is ready to
lead the way into the new century. Just as we have been on the
forefront of technology, claiming every advance in computing, we
will now set the newest standard in the market. Taking the concept of
the Virtual machine to its next logical evolutionary stage, our new
operating system features the virtual desktop. No longer can the
luddites claim that we have taken the look and feel of a competitors
system. This concept will mark the beginning of a new paradyme for
desktop computing. Yesterday we said "Where do you want to go
today?", and tomorrow we will say "what do you want now?" Microsoft
has shown again that we are the only choice."

Following the rousing cheers and a standing ovation from the
assembled press, Vice President Steve Ballmar continued on the theme
established during the keynote speech.

"As you all know, Microsoft is and will continue to be the dominant
force in desktop software. To maintain our advantage, we have
developed the ultimate in ease of use for our customers. Our aim was
to develop something that would be everything to everyone. We have
been able to achieve this and more. As fate would have it, this
project, along with another initially unrelated one, came together
with the spectacular results you will see. That second project,
designed to target the widely held, but untrue belief that our
software is bloated and buggy, had the aim of decreasing the
footprint of our operating system. As both projects developed, they
converged, and we found that we could achieve both goals by extending
the virtual desktop concept to the ultimate level. We have
virtualized the entire operating system!"

"This concept has many advantages. Any user can make his system
anything he wants, limited only by his lack of vision. Everyone can
have things exactly as they want, and if there are any glitches in the
implementation, it will only be due to user error. Let me show you how
powerful and easy this new concept is with an illustration. Imagine
that you have to give a presentation for an important client, and that
you will want to use a word processor for the text, a spreadsheet for
some tabular data, and of course, some presentation graphics. Now
further imagine that you have all of the Microsoft tools that will
allow you to do this perfectly, conveniently located on your virtual
desktop. Now imagine that you are done. Wasn't that easy!

"With things this easy to use, and all responsibility for error
shifted to the user, we feel that tech support is no longer needed,
although such a drastic move might cause undue concern for our
customers. Therefore, we have implemented a new, highly trained
transitional staff to help with any issues our customers might have.
This has allowed us to put our current tech support staff to work on
other critical items, including the next paradyme shift in network
computing, and mowing Bill's lawn. By its nature, the virtual
Operating System, and the associated virtual desktop, is highly
correlated to the thoughts and needs of the individual user. This
ties in perfectly with Microsoft's recent purchase of the Psychic
Friends Network. There will be an 800 number, and each caller will
get the first 10 minutes free, then the chance to talk to his or her
own psychic, to help with rebuilding the virtual desktop."

Press reaction was positive, with comments such as:

Steven Manes, columnist for PC World - "I have finally found something
I can understand. It is so simple, a child could do it. There is
nothing to it." Sandy Reed, Editor of Infoworld gushed "The greatest
thing since sliced bread. I can see now that this will be voted the
best operating system in next years readers' choice survey." Jerry
Pournelle, Senior Contributing Editor of Byte Magazine - "Frankly, I
don't see it, but ... Bob's your Uncle." John Dvorak, computer
columnist and radio personality - "This is revolutionary. I am
surprised that no one thought of it before."

After the press conference ended, a Microsoft spokesman filled in a
few more details. "We are calling it Win '00, not Windows 2000, simply
because we cannot garantee that it will be Year 2000 compliant, and
since the Department of Justice is being so picky about anything we
say, we thought a little truth in advertising would be prudent at this
time. The product is scheduled for release the first quarter of 2000,
and slated to ship by the third quarter of 2002. It will be available
to all OEM's and VAR's under the same limitations and restrictions
that apply under their current licensing agreements. Windows and now
the number 00 are trademarks of the Microsoft Corporation. all rights
reserved.
+---------------------------------------------+
