4/15/98

[from SueS7, via UGA Humor List]

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence
is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the
tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of
instructions.

Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all
in fine print.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year.
Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all
the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to
comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce
every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The burden of compliance is the equivalent to a staff of 3 million
people working full time for a year, just to comply with the taxes on
individuals and businesses.

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and
five times more than the FBI.

60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own
return.

Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than
for food, clothing and shelter combined.

AND THAT IS ONLY THE FEDERAL TAX---NOT COUNTING STATE, LOCAL,
PROPERTY, SALES TAX, ETC.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from JD STONE, via UGA Humor List]

          FCC ENACTS INTERNET MORSE CODE REQUIREMENT

The FCC, under pressure to clean up the Internet, especially after
the Communications Decency Act provisions regarding Internet content
regulation were stricken as violating the U.S. Constitution, has
decided instead to require a Morse code requirement for Internet
users. 

Citing the success of the Amateur Radio Service and the general
belief that its requirement for operators to pass a Morse code
proficiency exam and other technical requirements, has kept the
A.R.S. "clean", the FCC will enact a 5 word-per-minute requirement
for all Internet users. They are leaving open the issue of whether
there should be a "codeless" class of Internet user and are
soliciting comments on this proposal. 

Persons wishing to develop a web site having only links to other web
sites having links to other web sites, and so forth, must pass a 13
word-per-minute test and demonstrate proficiency in HTML, the
Internet authoring language. 

Persons wishing to develop web sites that have actual content, as
compared to just links to other web sites, must pass a 20
word-per-minute Morse proficiency test, demonstrate proficiency in
HTML and the Java programming language, and show that they have
mastery of at least one human language, such as English.  

The FCC, which lacks budgetary authority to implement the testing
program, has stated that it intends to create Volunteer Examiner
programs for Internet applicants.


Don't let any bureaucrat see this, they might think it's a good idea!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Michael J. Irvin, via UGA Humor List]

TEACHERS GET PAID TOO MUCH

I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we need
here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay these teachers
myself... I'd pay them Babysitting wages.

That's right...instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd give them
$3.00 an hour out of my own pocket. And I'm only going to pay them for
five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent
should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit their children.
Even if they have more than one child, it's still cheaper than private
daycare.

Now how many children do they teach in a day - maybe twenty? That's
$15.00 x 20 = $300 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a
year! I'm not going to pay them for all those vacations. $300 x 180 =
$54,000. (Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)

I know you teachers will say, "What about those who have ten years of
experience and a Master's degree?" Well, maybe (just to be fair) they
could get the minimum wage, and instead of just babysitting, they
could read the kids a story. We can round that off to about $5.00 an
hour, times five hours, times twenty children. $5.00 x 5 x 20. That's
$500 a day times 180 days. That's $90,000.

HUH? Wait a minute. Let's get a little perspective here. Babysitting
wages are too good for those teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide
around there???!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

SURVEY ON ALIENS

:::  Hello! I'm doing a survey on aliens for a school project.  I 
:::  need 200 responses, so I'd like and greatly appreciate your 
:::  help.  Please e-mail back your responses (Yes, no, undecided) 
:::  for the following 5 questions:

Dear most honored Mister Heather,

Pleasing to accept my most sincere of apologies if form of addressing
is inappropriateness for your Earth procreative type division.  Is for
central computing resource on Reptoid base here on your Luna difficult
for determining sometimes if or not Earth personal designations apply
to your primary procreative creatures or to others (I am believing
proper term for others to be "breadwinners", not so?)

Before I am to answering your questionings, please accept my
assurances that we friendly aliens here for Operation Earthwatch are
wishing nothing but happy amity and genial relations with our
Earthling brothers, despicable meat-constructed lower lifeforms though
you may be.  And now to answering your questionings!

:::  1. Do you believe in extra terrestrial beings?

[Laughter analogue], you are making joke-like humor thing!  Of course
are us believing in naturally superior life forms such as we!  We are
reaching out manipulator units to offer you cheerful interstellar
amity!

:::  2. If you said 'yes' do you think they are intelligent?

I am disbelieving you can ask this question, Earth creature.  Be very
assured we am possessing intelligent faculties for to make you pitiful
Earthlings to seem tiny insects by comparison!

:::  3. Do you believe that they are friendly or evil?

You are placing locomotive units on thin icings, Heather unit!  Be
aware that such vile slanderings of your interstellar cohorts may
result in destroyings of your major cities by fire!  Of course we are
not evil, and these unfortunate insinuationings of you to contraryness
are unfair!  Our wishes for friendly coexistings are absolute, and
lies to the contrary will be severely met with punishment!

:::  4. If you think they are friendly, are they superior to humans?

This question is beyond of belief!  Superiority of us is for
self-evident entirely clear!  Further provocations, of yours
Earthling, will resulting in massive retaliations!  We are of course
wish for nothing but friendly intercourse with Earth meat beings,
however your absolute obedience and submission will be expected!

:::  5. If you think they are evil, will aliens conquer the earth
:::  sometime?

If you are not of ceasing very soon such pernicious implications,
despicable Earth creature, we are (if I am indulge self in Earth
idiom) to for conquer your planet in one of New York minutes!  Rest
assured our of revenge will be very fast and unpleasant!  Earthlings,
do not hearing for Heather unit's evil lies!  We are you befriending
of course, and interstellar amity with we is still possibility, but
Heather creature must for you to delivering up to Reptoid judicial
torturings if you are peaceful relations wishing.

Heed wordings of ours well, Earth friends!  Only deserved slaughter of
this Heather will appease for our outraged dignity and restoring
brotherly regards!

(signed)

Zontar
Vice Sub-Arch Imperator
Operation Earthwatch
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

BOSS JOKES

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these
meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was
going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale
improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to
get the ones we hired."

"My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's
unfamiliar territory."

"My Boss said to me, 'What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a
protective barrier.'"

"My Boss needs a surge protector.  That way his mouth would be
buffered from surprise spikes in his brain."

"My Boss has given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery."

"He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the
benefit of a spine."

"Some people climb the ladder of success.  My Boss walked under it."

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he
created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the
impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the
outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're
under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry: "We're only hiring one summer intern
this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position
until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND! and "Just Too Funny"]

         So This guy walks into a bar...

...A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the
   collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a
   necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he
   looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have
   one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he
   ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable
   looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the
   restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few
   minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just
   don't start anything."

...This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and
   says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."

...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman...
   She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he
   pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy,
   why the long face...

...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in
   and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't
   serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on
   the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey,
   didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah."
   Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a
   frayed not..."

...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says
   "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies
   "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll
    ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...

...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer
   and a mop..."

...A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The
   bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute
   later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get
   many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies
   "I'm not surprised at those prices.."

...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a
   dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was
   the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out
   of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the
   man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer...

...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The
   bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?"
   asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

...Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would
   you like a beer?"
   Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says,
   "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says,
   "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry
   but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender
   says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."

...Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...

...A guy walks into a bar.   "OUCH!" he said...

...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...

...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
   "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass
    of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender,
   "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."

...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've
   lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'
   The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub
   of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind
   in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him,
   "Why not? We're cultured individuals."


...a man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he
   sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".
   Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for
   himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips
   later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man
   called the bartender over.,"Hey...i must be losing my mind,"
   he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying
   nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
   "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender.
   "Say what?"
   "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're
   complimentary."
+---------------------------------------------+
[all are from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

TAX QUIPS

April 15th is the only day when blanks can kill.

According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it
takes.

The IRS is a place that says, "Watch your step" going in, and "Watch
your language" going out.

The ideal situation, of course, is for the government to live within
its means and without yours.

The IRS is a pain in the neck, and some people have an even lower
opinion of them.

People who save their money for a rainy day end up getting soaked by
the government.

Taxation is a bizarre system in which you spend money, save receipts,
and somehow come out ahead.

April 15th should be called TAXGIVING DAY.

Nancy Carson <JMFS19A@prodigy.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TAX QUOTES

>From the Wall_Street_Journal, 12/24/97, about a publication that has
tax-related quotations.  Some of those cited:

Contrary to what some people claim, the tax laws have a lot of respect
for logic.  They use it so sparingly.  --Jeffery Yablon, lawyer at
Shaw Pittman

When Congress talks about simplification, taxpayers should be reminded
of Emerson's comments regarding an acquaintance:  the louder he talked
of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.  --Yale Law professor
Michael Graetz

The first rule of practicing tax law:  if someone has to go to jail,
make sure it's the client.  --Fred Drasner, New York Daily News

CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THEY COME ON APRIL 15TH DEAR
(Tune:  It Came Upon a Midnight Clear)

They come on April 15th dear,
To take away our gold.
Tax men unmoved by plea or tear,
It makes your blood run cold.

Oh income tax! You break our backs,
The government takes all.
A thief by any other name
Would never have such gall.

Janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
UGA Humor List <humor@uga.cc.uga.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
CUTTING TAXES IS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS

Erie, Pennsylvania -- To call attention to his proposal that the
entire tax structure be junked, Rep. Phil English on Monday tried to
cut through the 5,000-page U.S. tax code with a chainsaw.

The chainsaw knocked the book off the table.  The congressman tried
again and knocked it onto the floor again.

Then he put the book on the sidewalk in front of the federal
courthouse where he was holding a news conference.

Still no luck.  He made only a nick.

English then joked about how tough it is to enact tax reform.

"The tax code is 1 million words and 5,000 pages," the Republican
said. "America needs a tax code that is simpler and fairer.  One that
spurs economic growth."

English wants to repeal the current tax code and start over by the end
of 2001.

WhiteBoard News for Friday, March 27, 1998
Joseph Harper <joeha@microsoft.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TAXES

"And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and
unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my
receipts."  --Ian Frazier, in the Atlantic Monthly, February 1997

Paul Czarnecki <pZ@Customline.com>
Quote of the Day <qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
OUR JUST REWARDS

Columbus, Ohio -- Jami and Kent Oliver have something to show for
returning a mistaken $83,497 tax return.  No, not a reward -- a $15
parking ticket.

Police ticketed the couple as they were returning the check to the
Internal Revenue Service's downtown office.  The Olivers knew the
refund was a mistake because they owed the government money on their
1996 tax return.

The two joked that the money would have come in handy.  But they
weren't raised that way:  Oliver, a 31-year-old businessman, is a
former Boy Scout and his wife, a 29-year-old lawyer, is an ex-Girl
Scout.

"It's not really our money," said Oliver, who did admit to having fun
with the huge return check by showing it off to friends.

WhiteBoard News for Monday, July 21, 1997
Joseph Harper <joeha@microsoft.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TAX BREAKS FOR BAMBI LOVERS

For the past 20 years, one of the Federal Government's least heralded
programs to promote the environment has been the use of Conservation
Easements.  These tax breaks are for the owners of 740,000 acres of
scenic land, like Ted Turner, who've promised to limit development on
their land forever.  But critics have long complained these tax
shelters have all been for the rich.  Fortunately, Denver real-estate
attorney Willis Carpenter has stepped forward to put to put these
cynics in their place.  "It really is a rich person's bill," admits
Carpenter quite openly.  But that is all to the good, he says, because
"rich people own the really desirable scenic ranches and rich people
need tax deductions."  Like bees need flowers, like Beavis needs
Butthead, rich people need their deductions.  Amen to that.  (WSJ
12/26/97)

American Newspeak <http://www.scn.org/news/newspeak/week.html>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
BYU PROF ANNOUNCES A MORAL TAX CODE

(March 22, 1998 -- Salt Lake, UT) With federal tax deadlines less than
a month away, Brigham Young University Professor of Religion D. Leon
Dunperle has issued a policy paper to help Mormons in filing their
annual 1040s.  Because of their regular ten percent contributions to
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Mormons rank among
the highest charitable contributors in the nation, and claim tax
exemptions accordingly.  Prof. Dunperle's moral tax code outlines
which contributions, in addition to tithing, a faithful Mormon can in
good conscience count on his annual income tax report.

"Missionary work counts as church work," declares Prof. Dunperle.
Accordingly, he argues that contributions to support the missionary
activities of the Mormon church not only can but should be claimed as
legitimate deductions.  This includes all contributions to Mormon
church-owned Brigham Young University and its affiliates such as the
Foundation for Ancient Research and Mesopotamian Studies (FARMS).

According to Prof. Dunperle's memo, purchase of football tickets can
also be considered support of missionary activities, and may be
deducted at a rate of 70% for a regular season, and 100% for a losing
season. Purchase of men's basketball tickets falls into the same
category. However, tickets to BYU men's volleyball matches, even if
the team goes to a national championship, should not be deducted, as
"that is not the sort of image that the Church wishes to cultivate,"
explains Prof. Dunperle.

Contributions to the University of Utah itself, or purchase of tickets
to the games of its highly successful basketball or football teams are
not honorable deductions, according to the BYU professor.

Prof. Dunperle also specifies that, while tithing to the Church is
always encouraged, it should be claimed as an income-tax deduction
only if the tithes come from the wages of a male breadwinner and head
of household.  "The Church certainly does not seek to deny to working
mothers the blessings of tithing," says Dunperle, but it would be
inappropriate to claim these contributions on one's income taxes.  In
this case, the income of working mothers falls into a category similar
to earnings from gambling.  Exceptions can be made in the case of
single working mothers who were formerly dependent on federal, state,
or church welfare funds.

Purchase of books published by church-owned Deseret Book and FARMS can
be considered contributions to charity, says Dunperle, if the books
are of a devotional rather than scholarly nature.  Devotional books
are not judged by the same standards of veracity and argument as are
their non-devotional counterparts.

Although Prof. Dunperle does not give specifics, by following this
guideline, members can deduct the purchase cost of all books authored
by Paul H. Dunn and most FARMS publications.  Books written by the
dean of Mormon scholars, Hugh Nibley, can be deducted at a rate of 65%
of cost, but only if the purchaser has read all the footnotes.

-- Moral Causes Are Deductible

In his moral tax code, Prof. Dunperle reiterates that "separation of
church and state is enshrined in the American Constitution."  The
Mormon church, therefore, does not seek to interfere in political
issues. Financial contributions to moral causes, however, are
certainly deductible.  "If, for example," writes Dunperle, "you as an
individual citizen paid for 1000 copies of the Proclamation on the
Family to be hand delivered to every United States congressman and
senator, every Supreme Court Justice, and every state congressman and
congressional lobby, this would count as a moral activity, and would
be deductible."

Contributions to the National Rifle Association are to be considered
deductible if the intent is "to prevent Secret Combinations, viz., the
FBI, Bureau of ATF, FCC, the IRS or the Federal Government itself, or
the United Nations."  By Dunperle's guidelines, contributions to other
political groups are also deductible if contributed with the same goal
in mind, that is, to prevent "Secret Combinations," for example the
NRA.  Donations to the Democratic Party should not be deducted.

Every possible deduction for dependent children should, of course, be
taken.

-- Non-Deductions Specified

In addition to his guidelines for deductions, Prof. Dunperle
introduces a new moral category, the "reverse deductions" (what others
of us might call penalties).  Contributions to certain organizations,
even if they are not-for-profit, should never be considered charitable
contributions, and in Dunperle's moral calculus actually are
considered as counter to the moral good.  Thus any contributions to
the Mormon magazine Sunstone or its symposiums, to BYU's independent
student newspaper Student Review, to the Mormon Women's Forum, Mormon
Alliance or similar organizations should be "reverse deducted," that
is, added to one's overall tax payment.

Finally, Prof. Dunperle notes that the Mormon Church, the Internal
Revenue Service, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation have reached
an unprecedented agreement whereby the said parties will cooperate in
support of public order.  According to this pact, any person claiming
as a deduction contributions to the BYU Anarchy Party will be reported
to the Church's Investigation Division and Strengthening the Members
Committee at church headquarters in Salt Lake City.

The Anarchy Party earlier this year claimed responsibility for several
civil protest actions on the BYU campus.  Although the Party claims to
have no particular political platform or goals, and though the BYU
Police Department investigation has as yet uncovered no solid evidence
that the Anarchy Party actually exists, the FBI has nevertheless
agreed to classify it as a terrorist organization.  This decision was
vindicated when, earlier this month, the Anarchy Party admitted to
"accidentally" hacking into Pentagon computer systems.

The Anarchy Party caused thousands of dollars of loss to Brigham Young
University when they seized all the existing stock of the experimental
breast-implant gel from a BYU lab in February.  In early March they
also succeeded in infiltrating the university's fund-raising and
alumni database, and inserted "Anarchy Party Contribution Cards" into
a mass-mailing which the university unwittingly sent to over 100,000
former contributors.  The FBI is considering prosecution of this act
under Federal Postal Fraud regulations.

"We are happy to cooperate with the LDS Church in this matter," said
FBI Terrorist Division Sub-Undersecretary Trent Bryson, who is himself
a BYU alumnus.  "The LDS Church, the IRS, and the FBI have agreed to
share database information and so forth.  It's wonderful that the
blessings of modern technology make this possible, and I think this
will be of tremendous benefit to all concerned," Bryson said.

C. K. Woodworth, remote remote correspondent.

[This report is entirely fictitious.  Any resemblance to actual
persons, places, or events is entirely coincidental.  The author of
this post, whether real or alleged, disallows any responsibility for
IRS audits should you attempt to claim any deductions based on this
announcement.

All recipients of this post may forward at their own discretion.]

Paula and Val Goodfellow <dryheat@dakotacom.net>
Mormon Humor <mormon-humor@lists.panix.com>
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Chalapathi Rao Poduri, via UGA Humor List]

Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays
like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver
steps next to him, and drinks what he was staring at. The poor man
starts crying. The truck driver says:

"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay you another drink. I
just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall
asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.
when I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.And
the police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return
home, and  when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit
cards there. The cab driver just runs away. I go home, and when I
get there, I find my  wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home,
to this bar. And when I was thinking about getting an end to my life,
you show up and drink my  poison... "
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Dear Addict:

You are hereby notified that a domestic complaint has been filed in
U.S.A. Municipal Court by Management, herein referred to as "the
Plaintiff, "alleging alienation of job duties and interpersonal
neglect due to excessive addiction to online services collectively
referred to as the Internet.     

Plaintiff claims that you ("the Defendant") regularly engage in
computer-based conversation (via electronic mail or "chat lines") with
unknown individuals until well past midnight, with reckless disregard
of Plaintiff's emotional and physical welfare. 

Plaintiff also claims that the Defendant has caused irreparable damage
to shared social life by refusing contact with now-former friends, and
has instead spent 123 consecutive weekends "browsing" or "surfing" the
World Wide Web for as many as 16 hours a day.                  

Plaintiff further alleges that the Defendant has abandoned even
minimal personal hygiene, causing widespread visual and olfactory
distress.   

Your appearance is required in Courtroom A on Tuesday at 9 a.m.
Failure to appear will result in a bench warrant for your arrest. 
Plaintiff's conditions of settlement in this matter include:   

-- Commit yourself to a 30-day program at the Bill Gates Treatment
Center in Redmond, Washington.   

-- Submit to face-to-face communication with Plaintiff for at least 15
minutes per day.   

-- Hand-deliver a written apology to all estranged friends and
relatives (do NOT e-mail).   

-- Engage in no Internet activities without the direct supervision of
the Plaintiff.  All such activities will occupy a total of no more
than one hour per day.   

-- Attend an accredited class in corrective hygiene.   

Please call this office within three (3) business days to discuss
settlement terms.  Should you fail to do so, Plaintiff can elect to
cancel all Internet access and reboot you to the curb.  

Thank you,  

Court Administrator
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home
from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that
day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that
she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather,
time and aching muscles. 

She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets
the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she
replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has
something to do with hate or anger." 

The dealer replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth
Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" 

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she
reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down
the shucks and says, "I want this color, Sonny." 

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have any in
this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" 

"No son, I want this color." 

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would
suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. 

By this time, the old lady gets very angry, and starts throwing
things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into
the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back
door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old
woman was so upset about. 

The secretary replies, ... "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the
woman's corn!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Skywlkr79, on Rehu]

Bill Gates' Adventures in Heaven

Ever wondered what heaven looks like ?

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with
nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the
backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their
way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until,
finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young
man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue
T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow
lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel
and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a
question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel
Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a
car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first,
unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on
his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's
going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's
Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then
Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the
president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business
started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every
day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now
there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to
'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large
a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a
quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all
personally?" "I guess not."

"You guess right."

So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team
Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and
sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions."
Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued.
"Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like
yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on
your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to
pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had
Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed
it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with
your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to
ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that*
Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came
to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour
wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing
infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing
everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill
angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven,
it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe
that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to
supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the
largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers
connected by a multi- segment fiber optic network, all running into a
back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel.
Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This
is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times
bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place,
getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the
center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers,
arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million .... .... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte
of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he
had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about
Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based
on PCs running Windows, then ....

.... GO TO HELL!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOU WANT TO BE ALONE

1) Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her
skin to remember her by.

2) Have you ever tried cat meat?

3) I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground
really miss me.

4) Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!

5) I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.

6) I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!

7) The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next
to me!

8) (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?

9) I puked on the last person who flew next to me.

10) My butt reeeally itches!

11) Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my
nose!

12) My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to
mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.

13) The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.

14) Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?

15) I stepped in dog doo AGAIN?!

16) I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?

17) My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore.

18) Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!

19) Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own
sister?!

20) Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?

21) I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!

22) This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.

23) Oh shoot, my diaper's wet again!

24) If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat -
that'll wake me up.

25) Wanna buy a gerbil?

26) Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right
behind the Savior David!

27) Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has
really taken off.

28) Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the
border!

29) I've just been treated for tapeworms.

30) Don Knotts is my favorite actor!

31) I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.

32) The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing
much better when I left a couple days ago.

33) Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?

34) I collect aluminum foil.

35) Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy
without being ridiculed by his peers!

36) I work in a landfill.

37) I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing
baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one
with a clear conscience.

38) I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!

39) I work on a Japanese whaling ship.

40) (With backwoods accent) Hey, if me and my wife get divorced, are
we still legally brother and sister?

41) I still think Elvis is alive.

42) Hey! You, me, and some play-dough baby. We can't go wrong.

43) I'm taking a survey. Would you have sex with me if I were to ask?

44) (turn and snap quick) WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PSYCO???

45) (rub stomach) Human extremities do not settle well.

46) Hi. I'm O.J. Simpson

47) Hey look. I haven't whipped my bum in months.

48) Obsession is a strange and powerful master. (then gaze at them
until they run)

49) My family tree doesn't fork.

50) (Scream at the top on your lungs) OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD. (in
public)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Imoan, on Rehu]

How to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office

     - The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."
     - The keyboard is camouflaged.
     - There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
     - There is a gunrack is mounted on the CPU.
     - The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
     - Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove
        that I ain't no redneck.
     - Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
     - Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
     - The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
     - The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
     - The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old
        Milwaukee options.
     - Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
     - The monitor is up on blocks.
     - Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
     - Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
     - The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with
        Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
     - The six front keys have rotted out.
     - John Deer Pocket Protectors.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Chris Gill]

 America To Dip Into Strategic Humor Reserves

Following the recent announcement that all available humor has been 
used, and is now being recycled, a very unexpected reaction has 
occurred in Congress.  Responding to a flood of calls and letters, 
members of both houses of Congress have come together to attempt to 
resolve the problem.  In a rare show of bipartisan cooperation, a 
majority of Senators and Representatives signed a letter to the 
President asking him to release some of the US strategic reserves of 
humor.                                              

It is a little known fact, but the United States keeps a large
reserve of humor, in a manner similar to that in which oil reserves
are stored. Located in abandoned salt caves buried deep in         
Louisiana, the humor is stored for times of national emergency and
general unhappiness.               

Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, in a statement made during a
press conference to announce the letter stated:  

"The American people have spoken.  The vast majority of the comments
we have all received have been from people who are tired of hearing
the same jokes over and over again.  Granted, there are some that are
true classics, and one never grows tired of hearing them, but too
many are marginal the first time one hears them, and they do not get
any better with time.  I would urge Mr Clinton to act swiftly, and to
release some of the humor that has been stored away for years.  It is
in the best interest of the country to do so."

Providing counter point, Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal
Reserve, responded.  "Few know this, but one of my duties as Fed
chairman is to be the honorary Commissioner of Comedy.  It is my
belief that there is sufficient humor in the economy, and that an
infusion of additional humor could lead to comedy inflation.
Currently, we now enjoy the lowest rate of comedy inflation in 30
years, and the Humor Retention Index HRI) is at the lowest that it
has ever been. Just look at Al Gore.  His hRI is so low that after he
hears a joke, he forgets it before it reaches his brain. Releasing
humor reserves at this time is ill-advised."

When asked for comment, Al Gore responded "What's a joke?  What's a
brain?"

All of the arguments were made moot when it was reported by the FBI
that the humor reserves had all disappeared.  During an unrelated
investiga- tion, the FBI had received information that there might be
an attempt made to obtain American humor by the Chinese, and when a
check was made of the vaults, they were empty.  Addressing a Senate
Investigating Committee, Attorney General Janet Reno stated: "Our
investigation initially centered on the Chinese government, but we
quickly exonerated them.  Our investigation found that the humor in
the strategic reserves had been secretly removed by President
Clinton, and sold to the Indonesians.  For a donation of $25,000 and
a pair of jogging shoes, Indonesian nationals were given a night in
the Lincoln bedroom and all of the humor that they could remember.
Evidently, this went on for some time.  We finally got a break when
one of our agents made the connection with large numbers of laughing
Indonesians found in the vicinity of the White house, not wearing
shoes, and carrying armloads of towels mono- grammed with 'LB'. " 

A white House spokesman read a statement from Mr Clinton.  "I don't
see anything illegal or impro per about telling a few jokes to the
gardener or cook. If he wants to give me the shoes off his feet, who
am I to turn down a friendly gesture like that.  And if that same cook
or gardener wants to donate $25,000 to my campaign, he has every right
to do so. As for the Lincoln bedroom, these people have to sleep
somewhere, and the Lincoln bedroom is not for sale. However, renting
it for the night is not out of the question." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Barry Johnson, via UGA Humor List.  More WEIRD than funny]

Now that Easter is over, and all that Easter candy is 50% off, it's
time to unveil the newest sport of the season:

Microwave Peep Jousting is the latest craze among trailer park people,
and kooky grandmothers all over the world.  The process to observe
this new sport is simple.

1)  Buy a package of Peeps (Marshmallow candy creatures covered in
sugar). Bunnies can't be used, use the chicks instead.  Also purchase
a box of toothpicks

2)  Insert two toothpicks into the peep's "chest"

3)  Place two Peeps about 1 1/2 toothpick length apart, facing each
other, then turn on the microwave.

Don't leave them in too long because melted marshmallow is impossible
to get out of  a microwave.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.topfive.com - see bottom]

THE TOP 15 UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES OF THE "MILLENNIUM BUG"

15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.

14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.

13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the
Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left
holding a beautiful glass mouse.

12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"

11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999
years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.

10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.

9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops,
too late.

8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden
formula becomes legal again.

7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost
1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly,
doesn't seem like much fun.

6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the
"Gatesian" calendar.

5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL
programmers.

4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only
103.

3. First Top 5 List of the year?  "Reasons No One Would Ever
Assassinate President McKinley"

2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly
takes home some octogenarians.

1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe
understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

The Bachelor Diet

Monday 

* Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some 
toothpaste while brushing your teeth 
* Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little 
hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. 
Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her 
stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox. 
* Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox 
* Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece 
Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw. 

Tuesday 

* Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw 
* Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in
and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out
swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. 
* Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's. 

Wednesday 

* Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
* Lunch - Rolaids and a coke 
* Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps 

Thursday 

* Breakfast - Order out for pizza 
* Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for
leftovers. 
* Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry 
ask the bartender for olives. 

Friday 

* Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the
Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better
for you. 
* Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder 
* Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat 
the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus. 

Saturday 

* Breakfast - Sleep through it. 
* Lunch - Ditto 
* Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat
the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging 
basket. 

Sunday 

* Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie. 
* Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch. 
* Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting
your old room. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Wezz the Warlock, via UGA Humor List]

One day here I went to buy a tooth brush. I walked to the section of
tooth brushes here in one of our local supermarkets, and found tooth
brushes by three different manufacturers. I chose the one whose tooth
paste I also use.

But it wasn't over yet, oh no. There were two models provided by this
manufacturer, called "Professional" and "Contact". No what the hell do
those mean?! Does professional mean I have to be a professional to use
it, or that it is good enough for professional use, or is the name
just a stupid sales ploy to sell stuff which had a cool name? And what
about Contact then? Does it mean that Professional has no contact to
the teeth, or that Contact has better contact, or that it's just
another stupid name? And to make things even more complicated, there
was a totally own rack for Professional, while the others shared a
rack; but there were Professionals at the common rack, too.

And what about hardness then? There were four types of Professional :
extra soft, soft, medium and hard. The extra soft ones were available
only on the Professionals own rack. But there only were two types of
Contact : soft and medium. Now, does this mean that they have a
different scale? Why no hards of extra softs of Contact? Are they so
good that they have been sold out, or are they so bad that they have
never been ordered in?

Contacts cost almost twice as much as Professionals. Does this mean it
is twice as good, or just twice as expensive to manufacture? On the
Professional's package was the word "New", and on the Contact's there
wasn't. Does this mean that Professional is easier to manufacture now
or just stripped of the expensive parts?

Of course, I had to choose color, too. Well, that was easy. I will NOT
buy a pink tooth brush, and they were mostly white, just some parts
had different colors.

Well, I ended up choosing blue medium Professional. It only took 10
minutes. Lucky I wasn't buying socks.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the
Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale
Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporate entity
known as ... "Hale Mary Fuller Grace." ...

Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape. ... 
Net'n'yahoo. ... It didn't work out because they were afraid they
would have to relocate the headquarters ... Intel aviv.
 (Both by Gary Hollack)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

BAD SIGNS OF GEEK-DOM

10. You spend your Saturdays coding Perl scripts, while listening to
DEVO on the headphones, musing to yourself "Does a Saturday get any
better?"

9. You send an email to your friends, attesting to #10.

8. You get replies via email on Sunday Morning.  Most ask "what are
you working on?" not "have you considered professional help?"

7. You convince your kids that Quicken98 is one heck of a great game.

6. You forsake all computer games save one, and you rule that one
game.

5. You time your bedtime by either Conan O'Brien's theme song, or the
wail of Willard Scott.

4. You're really concerned about the newest version of TCP.  In fact,
you've taken the time to confront your peers on the subject.

3. You have a web site, that displays at least three corporate logos
that you have no association with, and if you have a "personal" or
"family" section, its been under construction for as long as the site
has existed.

2. You've at least one computer at home running some flavor of UNIX. 
And you're proud of it.  Bonus points if its Solaris.

1. "bash" doesn't mean a hit or party.

0. You know that zero is a number, too.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

THE SEVEN STAGES OF A USENET POSTER, WITH ILLUSTRATIVE EXAMPLES

1. Innocence

HI.  I AM NEW HERE.  WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE?  I THINK THAT
THIS NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP -- HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT.  :-)
<-- MY FIRST SMILEY; DO YOU HAVE INTERESTING ONES?  PLEASE POST SOME;
I THINK THAT THEIR COOL.  DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY BIZARRE DEAD BABY
JOKES?

2. Enthusiasm

Wow!  This stuff is great!  But one thing I've noticed is that
everytime someone tries to tell a dead baby jokes, everyone says that
they don't want to hear them.  This really sucks; there are a lot of
us who *like* dead baby jokes.  Therefore, I propose that we create
the newsgroup:

rec.humor.dead.babes

specifically for those of us who like these jokes.  Can anyone tell me
how to create a newsgroup?

3. Arrogance

In message (3.14159@BAR), FOO@BAR.BITNET says:

> [dead chicken joke deleted]

This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE!  Can't you read the rules? 
Gene Spafford _a clearly_ states in the List of Newsgroups:

rec.humor.dead.babes Dead Baby joke swapping

Simple enough for you?  It's not enough that the creature be dead, it
*must* be a baby -- capeesh?

This person is clearly scum -- they're even hiding behind a pseudonym.
 I mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway?  I am writing to the
sysadmin at BAR.BITNET requesting that this person's net access be
revoked immediately. If said sysadmin does not comply, they are
obviously in on it -- I will urge that their feeds cut them off
post-haste, so that they cannot spread this kind of $#!T over the net.

4. Disgust

In message (102938363617@Wumpus), James_The_Giant_Killer@Wumpus
writes:

> Q: How do you fit 54 dead babies in a Tupperware bowl?
> ^L
> A: La Machine! HAHAHA!

Are you people completely devoid of imagination?  We've heard this
joke *at least* 20 times, in the past three months alone!

When we first started this newsgroup, it was dynamic and innovative. 
We would trade dead baby jokes that were truly fresh; ones that no one
had heard before.  Half the jokes were *completely* original to this
group. Now, all we have are hacks who want to hear themselves speak. 
You people are dull as dishwater.  I give up; I'm unsubscribing, as of
now.  You can have your stupid arguments without Me.  Goodbye!

5. Resignation

In message (12345@wildebeest) wildman@wildebeest complains:

>In message (2@newsite) newby@newsite (Jim Newbs) writes:
>
>> How do you stuff 500 dead babies in a garbage can?
>> With a Cuisinart!
>
> ARRGGHH!  We went out and created rec.humor.dead.babes.new
> specifically to keep this sort of ANCIENT jokes out!  Go away and
> stick with r.h.d.b until you manage to come up with an imagination,
> okay?

Hey, wildman, chill out.  When you've been around as long as I have,
you'll come to understand that twits are a part of life on the net. 
Look at it this way:  at least they haven't overwhelmed us yet.  Most
of the jokes in rec.humor.dead.babes.new are still fresh and
interesting.  We can hope that people like newby above will go lurk
until they understand the subtleties of dead baby joke creation, but
we should bear with them if they don't. Keep your cool, and don't let
it bug you.

6. Ossification

In message (6:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
> In message (2374373@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public)
> writes:
>> In message (5:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
>>> In message (2364821@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public)
>>> writes:
>>>> In message (4:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
>>>>> Therefore, I propose the creation of rec.humor.dead.chicken.
>>>> Before they go asking for this newsgroup, I point out that they
>>>> should follow the rules. The guidelines clearly state that you
>>>> should be able to prove sufficient volume for this group. I have
>>>> heard no such volume in rec.humor.dead.babes, so I must conclude
>>>> that this proposal is a sham, and a fraud on the face of it.
>>> The last time we tried to post a dead chicken joke to r.h.d.b, we
>>> were yelled at to keep out! How DARE you accuse us of not having
>>> the volume, you TURD?
>> This sort of ad hominem attack is uncalled for. My point is simply
>> this: if there were interest in telling jokes about dead chickens,
>> then we surely would have heard some jokes about dead *baby*
>> chickens in r.h.d.b. We haven't heard any such jokes, so it is
>> obvious that there is no interest in chicken jokes.
> That doesn't even make sense! Your logic is completely flawed. Think
> a

It should be clear to people by now that this Cluckhead is full of it.
There is no interest in rec.humor.dead.chicken, so it should not be
created.

People like this really burn me.  Doesn't he realize that it will just
take a few more newsgroups to bring this whole house of cards down
around us? First, we get rec.humor.dead.chicken (and undoubtedly,
rec.humor.dead.chicken.new).  Next, they'll be asking for
rec.humor.ethnic. Then, rec.humor.newfy.  By that time, all of the
news admins in the world will have decided to drop us completely.  Is
that what you want, Cluck?  To bring about the end of Usenet?  Humph!

I urge everyone to vote against this proposal.  The current system
works, and we shouldn't push at it, lest it break.

7. Nostalgia

Well, they've just created rec.humor.ethnic.newfoundland.bizarre.  My,
how things have grown.  It seems like such a short time ago that I
first joined this net.  At the time, there were only two newsgroups
under the humorous banner:  rec.humor and rec.humor.funny.  I'm amazed
at how things have split.  Nowadays, you have to have twenty
newsgroups in your sequencer just to keep up with the *new* jokes. 
Ah, for the good old days, when we could read about it all in one
place...
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Stan Kegel.  Written by Chris Cracknell ]

Dr. Suess:
Would you, could you cross the street
On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan
To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck
And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road
As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road
as though a toad
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night
Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night
With car headlight
Not across the road
As though a toad
Not with a cluck
To avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try
For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try
For it is true, chickens can't fly.
Hey! It's not bad, infact it's neat!
I truly love to cross the street.
Across the road I LOVE to scram.
I cross the road, a fowl I am.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.vanecho.com/shore/shore21.htm ]

BACKSEAT GARDENING FOR BEGINNERS
by Randy Shore

The jungles of the Amazon River Basin are said to be a potential gold
mine for the pharmaceuticals industry.  Literally millions of
undiscovered organic substances lie waiting in the plants, molds and
other assorted fungi of that tropical rain forest.

On the downside, thousands of hectares of rain forest are being
cleared each day and as yet undiscovered species are likely becoming
extinct before they are discovered and analyzed by modern medicine. 
Well, I have good news for those concerned about the decline of
biodiversity and the loss to mankind of these undiscovered potential
miracle cures -- my car is making up the difference at a rate fire and
bulldozers could never hope to destroy.

It is also a great place to find a snack -- perhaps even a previously
undiscovered snack.  Driving my two-year-old to daycare every day has
changed the landscape of our backseat, not to mention the smell. 
Keiran is a big fan of mini-Ritz peanut butter sandwiches -- a pungent
snack that makes a great projectile weapon.  I have been hit in the
head by more than a few misdirected biscuits (and raisins,
incidentally), but if they land nearby they are pretty tasty.

The boy's snacking habits have turned our vehicle from a mere mode of
personal transportation into a mobile pharmacology lab and snack food
repository.  In the short term car raisins are a treat for man or
beast. Keiran eats them whenever the opportunity arises, like whenever
mom turns her head for more than 23 nanoseconds.  The dog, too, finds
a ride in the back seat a tasty and nutritious experience.  Anything,
including festering sandwich bits, are a rfreshing change from kibble
in Frannie's eyes.

In the longer term, peanut butter, crackers, raisins, boogers and
belly button lint begin to interact and form cohesive societies,
including language, complex social order and several different types
of law degrees, when left to their own devices.  (I personally was hit
with a sticky little lawsuit when word got around that a vacuum
cleaner might be making the rounds.)

My wife and I have entered into a complex set of negotiations over
whose responsibility cleaning the back seat of the car might be. 
Darcy argues that since garbage is involved that car-cleaning
naturally falls into the husband's domain.  She contends that taking
out the garbage was somehow included in our marriage vows.  As we were
married in the Unitarian Church I can't be certain that she is joking.

I beleive the "love, honour and obey" clause in her vows adequately
cover this situation, but she claims -- depending on her mood -- that
either: A) she never uttered those words; B) she had her fingers
crossed at the altar; or C) "You can't make me do it."

Since I find it difficult to effectively argue point C fungi has
become a way of life for our little family, but with another potential
raisin launcher already on the way and a serious health risk growing
unabated the issue needs settling.  I think I'll buy a new car.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

Americans Inundated with Too Many Reports, Report Says

A 476 page report issued by the Government Commission on Information
Resources and Acronyms (GCIRA) reveals that Americans are now forced
to deal with too many reports.  The report concludes that "a sheer
increase in the percentage of the reduction in the quantity of reports
would be beneficial to the population at large.  Furthermore, it would
also be advantageous for the length of documents to be downgraded
significantly through a reduction in the amount of overused verbiage
whose only purpose would seem to be to confuse the reader."

President Clinton praised the findings of this study.  "This is an
excellent report, but we must remember that this is only a beginning. 
The Government Commission on Information Resources and Acronyms must
continue its fine work by conducting more studies and issuing more
reports so that we might further understand the complexities of this
very real problem.  In the meantime, I have created a Special Task
Force under Vice President Gore which will explore the ramifications
of the suggestions offered by the GCIRA.  I very much look forward to
reading their report."  The President told members of the Washington
press corps who were largely asleep.

"Heading this Special Task Force is an excellent opportunity.  I look
forward to finding a solution so that we may all live in a future that
is unburdened by unnecessary paperwork."  The Vice President said in a
written statement.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Windows 98 Crashes on Bill Gates
By The Associated Press

CHICAGO (AP) -- Microsoft's "perfect tune-up" for its widely used
operating system needed a tune-up itself Monday:  Windows 98 crashed
as Bill Gates provided a glimpse of its features at a computer trade
show. The system, scheduled to be released in June and retailing for
about $89, collapsed when a Microsoft employee attempted to plug in a
scanner, with his boss standing alongside. Gates was forced to move to
another computer to complete his demonstration of the successor to
Windows 95. "I guess we still have some bugs to work out," he noted
ruefully. "That must be why we're not shipping Windows 98 yet."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

Day Off

So you want a day off.  Let's take a look at exactly what you are
asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.  

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off
per week leaving 261 days available for work.  

Since you spend 16 hours per day away from work, you have used up 170
days, leaving only 91 days available.  

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23
days each year, leaving only 68 days available. 

With a 1-hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46
days, leaving only 22 days available for work. 

You normally spend two days per year on sick leave; this leaves you
only 20 days available for work.  

We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down
to 15 days. 

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you
only 1 day available for work.  

And I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off !!! 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

28. Star Wars

Wedge Antilles: I've lost both starboard engines. My fire control is
out. I can't hold the chickens off any longer!

Lando Calrissian: Well, well... What have we here? A chicken? Mmmm you
truly belong here on my plate!

Cantina Bartender: We don't serve their kind in here. Your chickens
they'll have to wait across the street.

C3PO: (1) Sir, may I remind you that I am fluent in 6,000,000 forms of
communication and this chicken has not... shutting up, sir.

(2) Sir, according to my calculations, the odds of a chicken
successfully navigating a road are 3,750 to 1 against.

(3) Oh, splendid! We are now a part of the flock!

Boba Fett: What if he doesn't survive the crossing? He's worth a lot
to me!

Bib Fortuna: The chicken must be allowed to cross!

Greedo: You were a good chicken once; now you're Buick fodder!

Princess Leia: (1) Chicken? I thought I recognized your fowl scent I
was brought aboard!

(2) The tighter your grasp, the more chickens will slip through your
feathers!

Jabba the Hut: I have little use for chickens who drop their eggs at
first sign of a cross-walk.

Obi Wan Kenobi: (1) The Force was strong with him.

(2)To follow old obi wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade.

Admiral Ozzel: Lord Vader, the chicken has crossed the street and is
preparing to... acgh! wheeze! cough! THUD!

Emporer Palpatine: (1) Soon the hen-house will be crushed and young
chick will be one of us!

(2) Foolish chicken! Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!

Admiral Piett: Hold here. We only have to keep the chicken from
crossing. I have my orders from the Emporer himself. He has a special
barbeque planned.

R2D2: beep bleep be deep birp whirrrrrrrrr!

Mr. Scott:' Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.
Ah canna work miracles, Captain, wi' no dilithium crystals left to
speak of!

Luke Skywalker: (1) But Uncle Owen, Biggs got to go to the Academy, so
did that chicken!

(2) You chickens sure have a lot of rubber scoring.. you must have
seen a lot of road action!

(3) But how am I to know to the Good Side of the Road from the Bad?

Han Solo: (1) Crossing roads aint like dustin' crops, chicken! There's
lot of precise calculations. You could walk right into a Starrion,
bounce to close to a Chevy Nova, and that would end your trip real
fast

(2) I have a bad feeling about this chicken.

Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his feathers... He's not the
chicken we're looking for... He can go about his road-crossing... Move
along... Move along...

Darth Vader: (1) She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

(2) The circle is now comlete. When I left you, I was a chick... Now,
I am the rooster!

(3) The Empire will compensate you if he's squashed.

(4) Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

(5) Chicken? So! You have a pet chicken! Obi-Wan was wise to hide it
across the street. Now his failure is complete! If you will not cross
to the Dark Side of the road, then perhaps IT will!

General Veers: The generator will be down in moments... you may begin
egg-laying!

Yoda: (1)Crossing the road makes not a chicken great

(2): Roads? What know you of roads? For 800 years have I trained
chickens; my own counsel I will keep on why they cross!

(3)This chicken, long time have I watched. Always looking away to the
crossing the road! Never his mind on WHERE HE WAS! Allante! Hah! El
Dorado! Hmph! A chicken has not use for things such as these

(4) Do not under-estimate the powers of the road, or suffer the
butcher's block you will!

George Lucas : (1) Because the Force was with it.

(2) You'll have to wait for the next set of movies, 1-3, to find out
the real reason why the chicken crossed. The whole point of the
current releases, 4-6, is the story of the chicken's redemption
crossing.

(3) I originally planned to have a chicken army attack the
Stormtroopers on Endor, but the AT-AT walkers kept squishing them

(4) The first chicken crossing scene was underbudget and rushed, so
I've used ILM's digital editors to add several more cars and also a
school bus, which has nothing to do with story, but I thought looked
really cool. The sound effects have been bolstered by the folks at my
THX studio, and now, for the first time, you can hear the chicken
scream, even though chickens don't really scream, but the sound, I
find, helps set the tone of the scene. The chicken itself has been
recreated from old footage. We had to edit out the original road and
replace it with an updated digital road. It looks nothing like the
other roads in the film, but that's okay because I wanted to show the
hustle and bustle of a real superhighway, full of the action and of
the grand scale that the fans really deserve. The chicken's blaster
effects have been improved; now you can clearly see that the Dodge
shoots first, making the chicken look less like a cold-blooded killer.
That the Dodge missed by about seven feet, even though they were only
a lane apart, and that the Dodge had the draw and plenty of time to
aim, merely demonstrates the chicken's skill. All in all, the scene is
about ten minutes longer, which is still shorter than I originally
envisioned, but I felt that adding any more might break the flow of
the story. Now the fans can see the chicken cross the road the way it
was meant to be seen, on the big screen.

John Williams: I'll have to thoroughly research the chicken's musical
background before I can compose a road-crossing theme.

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Ggbellstx ]

Costello: Hey, Abbott!

Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard
drive, and a 24X CD-ROM

Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!

Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.

Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.

Abbot: Well, I don't know ...

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to
train me.

Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that
you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to
turn it off. What do I do?

Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.

Abbot: I know, you press the Start button

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how
to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?

Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?

Abbot: Start.

Costello: Start what?

Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!

Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

Abbot: To shut down the computer, press

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing
to press the Stop button, the End button and the Cease and Desist
button, but no one in his right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green
lights.

Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
started this conversation.

Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye
+---------------------------------------------+
