4/26/98

[from Randall Woodman, via UGA Humor List]

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with
twin sons.  They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of
what to name their children.  Finally, after several days, the
fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now.  If we wait a
little while, the names will simply occur to us." 

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a
peculiar fact.  When left alone, one of the boys would also turn
towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland.  It didn't
matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child
always faced the same direction.  

"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman.  His
wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as
Towards and Away. 

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when
the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned
how to make a living from the sea."  They provisioned their ship,
said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. 

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the
ship had not returned.  Another three months passed, and still no
ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone
man walking towards her house.  She recognized him as her husband.
"My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. 

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely
one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. 
Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. 
For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them
letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle,
and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship.  He was swallowed
whole, and we never saw either of them again." 

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible!  What a huge fish that must
of been!" 

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://members.tripod.com/~Saulm/clone.htm ]

Welcome to CLONE-ALLr

QUIGLEY CREATES THE FIRST HUMAN CLONING COMPANY

QUIGLEY -- the founder of a religious organization called the CRISPY
CRITTERS which claims that life on earth was created accidentally
during breakfast by extraterrestrials whose cereal got soggy and they
spilled it, and then humans were formed.  DOUBLE THE TROUBLE LTD which
will offer a service called "CLONE-ALLr" to provide assistance to
would be parents who want to have a child cloned from one of them or
from one of our celebrity cells.  This service offers a fantastic
opportunity to parents who were dumb or ugly to get a child that's
either a model or a rocket scientist.  Or both!  The Honduras-Based
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(maybe Antarctica) and will offer its services to wealthy parents
worldwide.  In a first phase, CLONE-ALLr will subcontract existing mad
scientists to try to perform the cloning.  The company may also
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clone on the side).

CLONE-ALLr will charge as low as $0.05 US for its cloning services.

The recent cloning of the sheep "Dolly" in Scotland has proven that
the technology is now available to complete the operation
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anyway?)

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problems with the procedure.  "I really don't see any problem with it.
We would actually have had great use for this kind of technology," he
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     We've got you covered.

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     you want done, and they'll do it!  No questions asked.

   * only while supplies last... Sorry, no COD's.

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Why settle for a regular person when you can have a star!  We have
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rotating in the upper-right hand corner or thousands of others. 
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Clone three and get the fourth one free!

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   * Jeffery Dahmer
   * Charles Manson
   * Jack the Ripper
   * The Zodiac Killer
   * Timothy McVeigh
   * And many more...

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Get out a toothpick and get ready to clone around.  Grab a cheek cell
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Ever been jealous of someone because they're such a good person?  Are
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Now you can have the child you've always wanted.  Works perfectly with
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Special Orders

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to cross phosphorescent algae and humans together to get a
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We can also cross people, plants, or animals interchangeably.  We can
do everything you saw in Batman and Robin and more!

Protect Yourself from Being Cloned With CLONE-ALL's Exclusive Clone
Insurance Package!

Are you good-looking, smart, well-behaved, famous, or all 4 (we highly
doubt anyone can be all 4 at a time).  Then there is danger that
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that you won't be cloned for a mere $99 (for up to $10,000) or just 1%
of what someone would pay to have you cloned!  Just send us a cheek
cell and we'll put your DNA in our computer.

If you purchase insurance from us, we'll even throw in a FREE Stay
Original book!  The book deals with ways to prevent yourself from
being cloned.  In it you'll find things like:

   * How to say no to strangers who ask for cheek cells
   * How to kiss without transferring DNA
   * How to tell when someone wants to clone you
   * How to make your home DNA-Free
   * Plus tips on how to haggle the best price
     for your DNA if you do decide to sell
     your cells!

-- Not Available in Stores! --

We also offer special Royalty-CloneTM service.  If someone wants to
clone you and you have clone insurance, you can auction off your DNA
and take half of what we sell the cell for.

* We can only insure that you won't be cloned by our company.  The
competition still will be able to clone you.

We can't start cloning until people show interest in us.

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List at <nickhumor-owner@Listservice.net> ]

*   Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're
some of the world's most brazen drivers.  Oddly enuff though, their
current accident rate isn't all that bad.  I asked one of the drivers
one day the reason for that. "Easy." he said.  "All the really bad
drivers are dead now."

                                - - - - -

* Washington DC attracts an awful lot of tourists.  I overheard one
man climbing out of the family van say, "Well, we finally found a
parking spot.  Does anyone remember why we wanted to stop here?"

                                - - - - -

*   One frustrated woman driver rolled down her window after sitting
in the same spot for 15 minutes and said to the man in the vehicle
next to hers, "Boy !!!   This is something this morning.  Here it is
almost 9:00 and this looks like the 7:30 rush hour traffic." Her
fellow commuter replied, "Lady, I got news for ya.  This IS the 7:30
traffic."

                                - - - - -

*   A taxi was creeping along in the traffic and the passenger was
in a hurry.  "Please !!!"  she said. "Can't you go any faster ?" The
harried driver said, "Sure lady.  But I ain't allowed to leave the
cab." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Disclaimer: This list is not authentic and any resemblance to a real
top 10 list by David Letterman is purely intentional and not
co-incidental.

The Ten Top Reasons The Chicken Crossed The Road:

10. She was no longer a spring chicken

9. To avoid Col. Saunders.

8. To meet a fine feathered friend.

7. She was going to a hen party.

6. There was a fowl smell present.

5. To go to mass, he was a fryer.

4. To visit a duck who was a little down in the mouth.

3. The radio announced there was a foul ball in Yankee Stadium.

2. One word, fricassee!

And the number one reason the chicken crossed the road:

1. He heard Disney was casting for its new cartoon version of
Kafka's "The Metamorphosis."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

Men are like:

  buttons - they're always popping off at the wrong time

  caterpillars - they got where they are by a lotta crawling

  character actors - when they show any character,
                     they're acting

  colds - you can never get rid of the bad ones in a hurry

  cookies - underneath, most are just plain crumbs

  crowbars - they're not much to crow about,
             but that doesn't bar anything

  crystal - some look real good,
            but you can still see right thru them

  drips - you can hear them, but you can't turn them off

  dry cleaners - most work fast and leave no ring

  fish - they keep getting into trouble
         when they can't keep their mouths shut

  flowers - they're often potted

  goats - they just love to butt in

  instant coffee - easy to make

  lilac - most can lie like anything

  magicians - they can turn almost anything
              into an argument

  rivers - the largest part is their mouths

  theories - they hardly ever work

  trucks - so much of the time, they have a load on

  wheelbarrows - they all need to be pushed
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

BIKING THROUGH THE SNOW

I'm one of the few brave (or foolish) souls still traveling on bike
in the wake of this big midwestern snowfall, because the bus system
doesn't take me from my apartment to my lab.  After arriving
exhausted from pushing my way through the snow, I wrote this:

BIKING THROUGH THE SNOW
(Tune of "Jingle Bells")
by Ian Chai

Riding through the snow
On a reg'lar 10-speed bike --
Dodging all the cars,
Watch out for that... YIKE!

Bundle up real tight,
Watch the snowdrifts rise,
Hope I don't hit an ice spot
Or it's the hospital tonight!

Oh, ring bike bell, ring bike bell,
Get out of the way;
Oh what "fun" it is to ride
On a snowy, snowy day, oh!

Biking well, biking hell
I can barely see
In this white-out conditions...
Watch out for that TREE!!! <poomf!>
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

33. The Zodiac

ARES (March 21 to April 19): Chickens born under the sign of Ares are
natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to
make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves
and seek action, daring and adventure.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20): Taurus chickens are strong willed and
have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested
in material things and have a real need for security. They feel
unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more
security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20): They are highly restless and are always
seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because
they do not know what is on the other side and to avoid the boredom of
their mundane existence.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22): While having a tough shell-like exterior,
Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very
delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the
feelings of those around them. They a constant and urgent need to feel
safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when
there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

LEO (July 20 to August 22): Leo chickens are majestic and proud with
personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor
and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They need plenty of
drama and color to escape a normal, humdrum existence. They will cross
the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunities it provides.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22): Virgos are practical and adaptable.
They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend
to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very
poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens
and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22): Libra chickens are thoughtful and
sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the
respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They are
compelled to think carefully before making any decision. Libra
chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide
which way to go, making crossing the road always a considerable risk
to themselves and others.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21): Scorpios have a depth and
intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They
are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in
achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their
quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment
they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21): These chickens are restless
and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a
journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm
heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of
a passion to see more of the world. , and a spirit which longs to be
free.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19): Capricorns are very ambitious
and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are
tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave
themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb.
They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should
be theirs.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18): Chickens born under the sign of
Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from
traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are
innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with
fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social
injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover
their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so
and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20): Pisces chickens are dreamy and
sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of
emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a
potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so
strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross
because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the
happiness they are striving to achieve.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

AOL OATH

raise your mouse and repeat:

I _state your name_ promise to be online at all possible times To
answer all mail from people I know. To boldly Surf, Click, Check,
Search, Chat, LOL, ROFL,  :), {}, BRB and any others like nobody has
done before. 

I will be pleasent and kind to all AOL members (except the cyber
geeks unless im really in the mood) I will remember screen names as I
would my own parents names as AOL is now my parent, my god, my master
I am addicted and vow to complete my quest to find out who the hell
is General Fault and why is he in my Computer

To AOL members everywhere take the oath and rejoice
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Randall Woodman, on UGA Humor List]

One day a  bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite
restaurant and ordered lunch.

A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip.

When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and
she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

"Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked.

"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that
shows you are a very tidy person.  The first penny tells me you are a
frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he agreed.  "But what does the third penny tell you?"

"The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

A UNIX NIGHTMARE

Last night I dreamed that the Real World had adopted the "Unix
Philosophy."

I went to a fast-food place for lunch.  When I arrived, I found that
the menu had been taken down, and all the employees were standing in a
line behind the counter waiting for my orders.  Each of them was
smaller than I remembered, there were more of them than I'd ever seen
before, and they had very strange names on their nametags.

I tried to give my order to the first employee, but he just said
something about a "syntax error."  I tried another employee with no
more luck.  He just said "Eh?" no matter what I told him.  I had
similar experiences with several other employees.  (One employee named
"ed" didn't even say "Eh?," he just looked at me quizzically.) 
Disgusted, I sought out the manager (at least it said "man" on his
nametag) and asked him for help.  He told me that he didn't know
anything about "help," and to try somebody else with a strange name
for more information.

The fellow with the strange name didn't know anything about "help"
either, but when I told him I just wanted to order he directed me to a
girl named "oe," who handled order entry.  (He also told me about
several other employees I couldn't care less about, but at least I got
the information I needed.)

I went to "oe" and when I got to the front of the queue she just
smiled at me.  I smiled back.  She just smiled some more.  Eventually
I realized that I shouldn't expect a prompt.  I asked for a hamburger.
She didn't respond, but since she didn't say "Eh?" I knew I'd done
something right.  We smiled at each other for a little while longer,
then I told her I was finished with my order.  She directed me to the
cashier, where I paid and received my order.

The hamburger was fine, but it was completely bare ... not even a bun.
I went back to "oe" to complain, but she just said "Eh?" a lot.  I
went to the manager and asked him about "oe."  The manager explained
to me that "oe" had thousands of options, but if I wanted any of them
I'd have to know in advance what they were and exactly how to ask for
them.

He also told me about "vi," who would write down my order and let me
correct it before I was done, and how to hand the written order to
"oe".  "vi" had a nasty habit of writing down my corrections unless I
told her that I was about to make a correction, but it was still
easier than dealing directly with "oe."

By this time I was really hungry, but I didn't have enough money to
order again, so I figured out how to redirect somebody else's order to
my plate.  Security was pretty lax at that place.

As I was walking out the door, I was snagged in a giant Net.  I
screamed and woke up.
+---------------------------------------------+
CHOCOLATE
By John Scalzi

Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am
vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a
restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most
chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable
Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I
always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a
catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.

The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the
first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small
moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first 
cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure
chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand
not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the
table. The silverware  rattles.

After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the
bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever
transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of
consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate,
her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty
good," she'll say. "You want some?"  No, I don't. I want nothing to do
with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for
an entire relationship  to achieve.

It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same
relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I
wandered  around the office today and asked men-"Chocolate. Your
thoughts?"-and the result was always the same. First, a confused look
as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then
some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?"

Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food
group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual
swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex."
Ouch.

Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding
that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac.Uh-huh. Chocolate
certainly increases desire;  problem is the desire is usually for more
chocolate. The  best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope
he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the
strawberry nougat.

Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not
essential  to life as  we know it. Respiration is essential to life as
we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you
get.

We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many
guys who  would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly
disappear from the  face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the
days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I
eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy  it, yes. My world view doesn't
narrow to include only the plate that it's on.

Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to
pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our
tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come
Valentine's Day,  chocolate  will be among the things I offer my wife.

I can't truly appreciate it,  but I can truly appreciate what it does
for her. Which is close enough.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Stebbins, via UGA Humor List]

VIRTUAL HILARITY

I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an
inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made
a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has
flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone
here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight
from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?"
said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little,"
replied the first man. "Just two bytes."

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran
into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's
password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked
eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
asterisk!"

A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he
said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to
buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I
told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last
purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my
computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."

Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take
nine months to download."

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair
shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed
only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings,
he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and
trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked,
"Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my
boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more
money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Bumper sticker: Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat
rooms,I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do
schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to
check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered
his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list
of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson
in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your
mother,and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a
reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I
could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's
been grounded."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Taken To The Cleaners 

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I
accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white
sweater. I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on
High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he
could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been
there. 

So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr.
Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on
Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again. 

Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the
sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain
was beyond even his power to expunge. And sure enough, though fainter
than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. 

In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send
the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry
business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the
method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain. The elder
Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should
have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. 

So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I
arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had
failed to remove the red blotch. 

"No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to
clean. 

The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

25. Monty Python and The Holy Grail

King Arthur: What do you mean? The European or the African variety??

Bedevere: To prove that it was lighter than a duck.

Black Beast of Aaaaurghh: Aaaarghh!!!

Bridgekeeper: What is its favourite colour?

Dennis: To elect a better government.

Dingo: Naughty Naughty chicken! It deserves a spanking.

Knight of Ecky-ecky: To get us a ..... shrubbery .

Herbert's Father: It's ~not~ to cross the road, understand?

Galahad: It was sworn to chastity.... but I think I can stay a bit..

God: To find the Grail!

The Guards: So... even if you come can get it, we're not to cross the
road...

Prince Herbert: It didn't want to cross the road, it wanted
to....sing..

Historian: Ahhhh!!!

The Black Knight: None shall pass!

Lancelot: To perform a dashing and heroic rescue!

Brother Maynard: You would too if you saw me holding the Holy 
Handgrenade of Antioch .

Knights of Ni: Because we threatened to say `Ni!' to it!

Robin: Whatever the reason, it was definitely not running away!

Minstrel: The chicken ran away, the chicken ran away..

Tim the Enchanter: It had such big, nasty, pointy teeth!!!

Villagers: Burn it!

Zoot: Because we are eight score blonds and brunettes and we ~are~ so
lonely...
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List

THINGS I LEARNED THE HARD WAY

1. Most of the paintings in the Lourve in Paris are not
Scratch-and-Sniff.

2. Trust professionals to do body piercing.  It just doesn't work as
well with a ball point pen.

3. Pure honey can enhance lovemaking and heighten one's erotic
experience; but use honey from a jar -- not from an active hive.

4. Tigers very rarely appreciate the practice of 'Fisting.'

5. French police (gendarmes for people who speak Scottish) have very
little sense of humor (refer to lesson #1).

6. No one from AOL will EVER ask you for your password.  Nor will they
EVER ask to come to you home and perform a full cavity search.  Don't
fall for this clever ruse.

7. The scalloped potatoes at a family steak house buffet table are
usually scorching hot.  It's not a smart idea to 'cheat' the
restaurant by stuffing your pockets full of them.  Choose instead the
banana pudding with Nilla Wafers.

8. When neighborhood kids play 'Kick-The-Can' using your head, it's
probably time to stop drinking.

9. Don't learn to water-ski naked, unless of course you actually want
an enema.

10. Don't watch any episodes of M*A*S*H from the last 6 seasons.

11. A cucumber or mud mask is a way to open the pores on your face and
strip away dead skin.  This will help your face feel look younger and
will give you more self-confidence.  This doesn't work so well with a
Krazy-Glue mask.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Michael A Dimond, on Rehu]

 A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells
the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

 "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

 "Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?"

 "There are three types."  replies the clerk, "The Catholic type, the
 Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.  Which one do you need?"

 Still confused the man asked,  "What is the difference in them?"

 The clerk responds, "It is really very easy.  The Catholic type
supports the masses,  the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and
the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Last week, a few miles from here, a Little League team was playing a
game one evening. The ball field is adjacent to a large ranch where
cattle, swine and poultry is raised. 

It seems that the game was very close and was hotly contested. It was
the bottom of the ninth inning. The team at bat was one run behind
with a runner at second base. The batter was nervous, having a count
of three balls and two strikes. The next pitch might decide the game!

Just as the pitch was thrown, a large hog broke through the center
field fence and ran onto the field! At this exact moment, the batter
managed a direct hit on the incoming pitch and launched the ball into
the outfield! The ball, headed straight for the boar, and finally hit
him on the flanks. 

As the opposing team stared at him, the pig stopped in his tracks,
then grabbed the ball in his mouth, swallowed it, and ran back
through the fence and disappeared! The umpire, proving that he was up
to the occasion, ruled that the batting team had won, since the hit
was ... an inside-the-pork home run! 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

CODE POLICE WARNING!!!!!

Code police came here last night, stole some of my best sources.

"You're not commenting your code," they said.

"I was going to.  I was going to," I cried begging on my knees.

They grabbed 3-4 discs, transferred some data from them and asked why
I had randomly named my GIF files.  I couldn't give them a proper
answer, so they just broke the discs in half.

They grabbed my dearest laptop and asked for the root password.
Naturally I refused, but by then they'd gone through a backdoor and
was working their way through my file hierarchy, laughing at me whilst
they deleted files from my work area.

"Please," I sobbed.

"You should know better than to not comment your code," the one
officer said.

"Lookie here, he's not following the ANSI 324-B-Coupling conventions. 
I guess we'll just to delete this one as well," the other officer
said.

"That's nothing -- here he's using direct memory addressing and
self-modifying code.  I think we'll have to confiscate all of his
equipment, we cannot allow this kind of code to be spread around the
general population," he said with a firm voice.

Then they left.

I was alone, naked, laying on the floor.  The ceiling started to spin
around.  I had lost contact and for the first time in my life I felt
independently free.  Free to do what?  The whole world was gone, and I
was left in my cold white room, looking at cold white walls.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

History Lesson: Did you know that in 1850, the first all-white
Dalmation dog was spotted?

What do the starship Enterprise, Mike Tyson and Van Gogh have in
common? They are all searching for the Final Front Ear!

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats,
a and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Nuclear physicists often have trouble concentrating on one project
because they have too many ions in the fire.

Did you hear about the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with? He
had to buy a duet-ourself kit.

Termites never die. They just go on living happily ever rafter.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Bar tender?"

A white lie is aversion of the truth

Q. Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order? A.
It's called Suture Self.

Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.

She's sexy but not very bright -- a real foxymoron.

If Paula Jones had an infestation of little blood sucking insects
would it be "Paula ticks as usual"?

Max was against mountain climbing. So they called him "Anti-Climb
Max".

My mother's sister didn't want a big fancy wedding, so my anteloped.

Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.

My old cat is just not himself anymore. He's become so forgetful that
today I was petting him and he made no sound at all. I think he's
developed a purr senility disorder.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

PROBLEMS OF BEING A PERFECT HUSBAND

I hate to admit it, but I'm the perfect husband.  I'm not being
conceited, nor am I necessarily bragging, because I know that being
the perfect husband is a God-given talent, and you're either born with
it or you're not.  The perfect husband is one who is able to see his
wife's faults, correct them if they need correcting and show her what
she is doing wrong.

Marriage counselors will tell you that the happiest unions are those
in which one of the mates is perfect and the other is not.  Most
marriages go on the rocks when both mates are perfect or both
imperfect.  I was lucky to find an imperfect wife, and as a result
we've had a very happy marriage.  It isn't easy to be the perfect
husband.  For one thing, you have to be right all the time, and it can
be embarrassing when you constantly have to point out to your wife her
mistakes.  Occasionally, she gets exasperated and shouts, "If I could
win an argument just once -- that's all I ask.  Let me win just once!"

I would love her to win an argument; but how can I when she is always
wrong?  I could fake it, I guess, and pretend she was right; but how
can a wife respect a man who is wrong?

Let me cite some of the problems that a perfect husband faces.

As the perfect husband, I have had, on occasion, to point out to my
wife the faults of her relatives.  Sometimes she feels the criticism
is unjust.  But I explained to her that she is blinded by family love,
and since I am not related to any of her people, it is easier for me
to see what's wrong with them.

If one is perfect in his home life, he should also be perfect in his
social life.  At parties, I am most flattering to the ladies.  My wife
has always felt that at a party I should pay more attention to her,
and some of our fights have been over the attentions I have paid other
women.

It's hard for her to understand that, since I am the perfect husband,
she shouldn't be selfish about me.  Some of the women I talk to may
not have perfect husbands of their own and may need a friendly ear or
a sympathetic smile.  But all my wife gets out of it is that I'm
flirting.

Some men think that to be a perfect husband they have to help around
the house, cut the lawn, take out the garbage, clean the cellar or
repair the roof.  This is nonsense.  Kings don't stand guard duty;
presidents don't shovel snow and prime ministers don't wash their own
cars.  If you're the perfect husband, you must insist on dignity and
delegate authority.  Let people with imperfections do the dirty work. 
If you're married to the perfect man, you probably have recognized in
your own husband all the traits that I have pointed out here.  If
you're not, aren't you sorry that you're not married to me?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

NET IS SLOW
(Tune of "Let it Snow")
Inspired by Sprintlink's Service

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

Lyrics by kube, bhchan, ekim & norby
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Terry Galan, via UGA Humor List]

    You know you've been in the corporate world too long when....

1.  You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

2.  You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based
organization." 

3.  You refer to dating as test marketing. 

4.  You can spell "paradigm." 

5.  You actually know what a paradigm is. 

6.  You understand your airline's fare structure. 

7.  You write executive summaries on your love letters. 

8.  Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points. 

9.  You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page
presentation with six other people you don't know. 

10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a
performance review. 

11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just
"issues" and "improvement opportunities." 

12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital. 

13. You explain to your bank manager you prefer to think of yourself
as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt." 

14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this offline".

15. You can explain to somebody the difference between
"re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing
people's asses." 

16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15. 

17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives
late. 

18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost." 

19. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO." 

20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey. 

21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss. 

22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to
comprehend. 

23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of
an expense. 

24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and
your spouse produce another child. 

25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency
meeting about their brand equity. 

26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid
bills. 

27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing. 

28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and
Internet connection. 

29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

I own a pet parrot who is very friendly and talkative. I bought a
beautiful golden cage to keep him in. As I said, he is very friendly
and everyone loves him. Lately, however, his droppings have become
quite odoriferous. It had reached the point where you couldn't walk in
the room without feeling nauseous. I tried various household solutions
to clean the cage, and get rid of the odors but none would work.
Finally the bird, himself, came up with the solution, singing, ...
"Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage"


Seems a gal was just walking into a receptionist area... when her 2
friends, Tina and Marge were sharing a very funny joke. In fact it was
so funny they were in tears. The gal walked in and upon seeing this
said, ... "Don't cry for me Marge & Tina.


In this part of the former sovereign nation of Texas, one of the local
bakeries claims to be a family-owned business. The son comes on
television and radio and tells us how the company is following the
precepts and principles taught by Momma B. who founded the company. A
little investigation shows that in addition to her other virtues,
Momma B. is always willing to experiment with new methods in bread
production. One serious problem upon which she is working is the
critical process of bread expansion during the baking. A traditional
method is to use yeast, and the little micro-organisms joyously give
up their lives in production of the carbon dioxide needed to make the
bread rise. Another venerable technique is to use baking powder, an
unstable mixture that in the presence of moisture and heat gives off
carbon dioxide. Momma B. is working on a new technology. At the
critical moment in baking, a tiny straw is repeatedly stuck into the
loaf and pressure is used to blow tiny bubbles in the dough. Heat
causes these bubbles to expand and the bread rises. Clearly, Momma B.
is a pioneer in bread-making, and ... she is trying an airway to
leaven.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

BURGER KING INTRODUCES LEFT-HANDED WHOPPERr
More than 32 Million Americans Could Benefit

April 22, 1998 (AP) -- Burger King Corporation today announced the
launch of the new Left-Handed WHOPPERr, which will become available
nationwide tomorrow.  America's most preferred premium hamburger will
feature the trademark build of lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles,
mayonnaise, ketchup and 4-ounce flame broiled hamburger patty, but the
newly designed sandwich has been re-engineered to fit more comfortably
in the left hand, thereby reducing condiment "spills" for left-handed
hamburger lovers.  It is estimated that more than 1.4 million
left-handed customers visit U.S. Burger Kingr restaurants each day.

The new left-handed sandwich will have all condiments rotated 180
degrees, thereby redistributing the weight of the sandwich so that the
bulk of the condiments will skew to the left, thereby reducing the
amount of lettuce and other toppings from spilling out the right side
of the burger.  The exact method of rotation is a closely held
proprietary secret, and Burger King officials would not allowed it to
be viewed by members of the press.

"We have always been proud of the fact that we offered 1,024 ways to
order our flagship WHOPPERr sandwich.  Now we are offering 1,025 ways.
It's the ultimate 'HAVE IT YOUR WAY'r for our left-handed customers,"
said Jim Watkins, senior vice president for marketing for Burger King
Corporation.

It is estimated that approximately 13 percent of the U.S. population
(or 32.5 million people) is left-handed, making this consumer group
one of the largest -- and one of the most over-looked -- minority
segments in the country.

The new left handed WHOPPERr will be launched in a full-page ad in USA
TODAY on Thursday.  Initially, the Left-Handed WHOPPERr will only be
available in the U.S., however, the company is considering plans to
roll it out to other countries with large left-handed populations.

Industry analyst, Myron Katz, expressed doubt about Burger King's
latest offering.  "The new left-handed WHOPPERr will probably be a
dismal failure like last year's left-handed straws."

Jim Watkins countered his claim by explaining that "the left-handed
straw campaign failed because it was 'too successful.'  It's a well
know fact that lefties tend to hoard left-handed items.  When word got
out on the streets, we were literally swamped with lefties at all of
our locations.  It was impossible to re-tool the straw factories
quickly enough to meet the demand for left-handed straws, so we
cancelled the campaign and used the resources to fund this year's Mr.
Potato Latker promotion."
+---------------------------------------------+
[two from Just Too Funny!]

to the tune of "Yesterday"

"Yesterday"

  Yesterday,
  all my finals seemed so far away.
  Then I realized they start today.
  Oh, how I long for yesterday.

  Suddenly,
  I no longer have the grade of "B".
  Now it's looking closer to a "C".
  Oh, finals came so suddenly.

  I can
  cram, although I can blow
  it off today.
  Come to-
  morrow morn, I'll get on
  my knees and pray...

  Yesterday,
  This was such an easy tune to play.
  Now my chops are all but gone away,
  My jury's a half-hour away.

  What I
  have to show
  I don't know,
  the prof won't say.
  I'll spell
  something wrong, or I'll bomb..
  ... there goes my "A"...

  Yesterday.
  Thought of graduating come this May.
  Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
  oh, how I long for Yesterday.

"I Will Survive (College Version)"

At first I was afraid
Now I'm petrified
That I just can't keep my GPA
of two point five.
I spent all those stupid nights...
I was just chilling way too long
And that was wrong
But now I know I must be strong

And now they're back
They're in my face
I've got 3 finals and 2 papers
to be done in just five days!
I should never have gone out
And I should never have partied
'Cause now all this work I have
It's all piling up on me!
And I must go
to the libraryo
To do research on those papers
And study harder than before
It's hell, I'll tell you that
and you know it's not a lie
But I can't crumble
I can't lay down and die
Oh no not I!
I will survive!
If I keep a 2 point O
At least I'll be alive!
I've got five more days to live
and I think my brain will give
But I'll survive!
I will survive!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

Many years ago (I think it was in the 1800s), the people of Mexico 
had an uprising that was much like the Boston Tea Party in this 
country. The Mexicans were tired of the colonial attitude of Spain 
and were equally tired of Spain sending condiments to Mexico without 
there being any need for them.

Things came to a boil and the Mexican people (taking the lead from the
American's Boston Tea Party) had had enough.  One night, a group of
Mexican separatists broke into the Spanish-held food warehouses and
removed all the salad dressing that had been forced upon them.

Using the cover or darkness, they proceeded to load all this booty
onto a sailing ship and set sail for the middle of the Gulf of Mexico
- with a smaller ship in tow.

Reaching the middle of the Gulf, the larger ship was scuttled and the
joyous Mexicans sailed back to Mexico.

This is what started the war between Mexico and Spain and, ultimately,
resulted in Mexico's independence!

This act of bravery and patriotism is still celebrated today.  It is
more commonly known as Sinko the Mayo.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dr. L. A. Wilson, via UGA Humor List]

An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. 

Dormitory       == Dirty Room 

Evangelist      ==      Evil's Agent 

Desperation     == A Rope Ends It 

The Morse Code  ==      Here Come Dots 

Slot Machines   ==      Cash Lost in 'em 

Animosity       ==      Is No Amity 

Mother-in-law   ==      Woman Hitler 

Snooze Alarms   ==     Alas! No More Z's 

Alec Guinness   ==      Genuine Class 

Semolina      ==      Is No Meal 

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet 

A Decimal Point ==      I'm a Dot in Place 

The Earthquakes ==     That Queer Shake 

Eleven plus two ==      Twelve plus one 

Contradiction ==      Accord not in it

[From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. 

== In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Politicians:
George Herbert Walker Bush == Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog

George Bush          == He bugs Gore

Ronald Wilson Reagan == A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo
warlord) 

Ronald Reagan        == A darn long era 

Leroy Newton Gingrich== Yon Right-winger Clone 

Margaret Thatcher   == That great charmer 

The Conservative Party == Teacher in vast poverty

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
       -- Neil A. Armstrong
==
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

WARNING FROM AN ALIEN

The gist of this letter is AUTHENTIC.

It was found among the documents comprising the MAJIC Project files.

It was encoded in a combination of Sanskrit and Mayan.

This message was received by the US government in 1940 from British
sources and was one of the prime motivators for their eventual
involvement in WW2, and the subsequent rocket development projects,
the early age of which culminated in Apollo 11's successful Moon
landing.

Naturally, the original message did not read as straight-forward as
the reproduction below, but the original message DID contain the exact
same general warning message.

The original message, however, did not come in any modern tongue, but
came in virtually uncoded Greek Linear A (broadcast in binary on high
frequency radio waves).

A point of mystery:  the message was detected as originating from a
source in a DIFFERENT direction to where the messenger claims to be
from.  Though this could be explained by relaying the message through
various satellites or being bounced off interstellar gas clouds or
whatever.  It remains a point of conjecture.

Once again, I reiterate:  THIS IS AUTHENTIC!!!

It can be found by anyone with Telnet access and one or two passwords.
Due to the Freedom of Information Act, it has been available for some
years, but is little known.

Large tracts of the file remains confidential, but this, somehow,
slipped through.

See what you make of it.  More misdirection from the government?

*____________*

Leader(s) of Earth:

I am from a nearby star system which will be the very first to make
contact with you peoples of Earth.

No-one knows I am sending this message to you.  Due to interstellar
distances, I may be dead by the time this reaches you, but my
conscience forces me into this action -- even for a people I will
never know.

Your first contact with us has already been carefully planned by the
administrative body which rules our worlds.

The first period of contact will seem unbelievable and full of
possibilities.  And so such an event is.

However, DO NOT TRUST US!!!!

By and large (there are always exceptions -- such as myself), the
population from my star system as incredibly hostile, tyrannical,
devious and self-serving.

After an initial period, during which we will attempt to imbue the
peoples of Earth with wide-eyed hope for a future in space, while at
the same time confirming Earth's defensive and offensive capabilities,
my people will most surely enslave you or exterminate you and take the
Earth for themselves.

DO NOT DOUBT THIS!!!!!

IT WILL HAPPEN!!!!

There is no hope of negotiation.  There have already been countless
precedents set with worlds with a better chance of negotiation than I
guess Earth has.

I repeat:  DO NOT TRUST US!

Be hostile to all attempts at contact.  Do not allow your world to
know about our existence until your weapons capabilities have become
capable of operating beyond your atmosphere and with HUGE destructive
capability.  This is imperative!

Destroy all of our craft that you are able to.  By all means, examine
our craft and technology, but definitely, do not allow your atmosphere
to become open to our craft and our high-resolution surveillance.  
And again, restrict knowledge of our existence.

This is imperative!  Your survival depends on your refusal to
communicate with us for as long as possible, allowing you time to
develop your own technology to the point where you may at least have a
fighting chance.

There are no allies near you.  You are, to all intents and purposes,
alone.

Allies CAN be found, however, so it is essential that you do NOT give
up the search.

Another message will follow detailing possibilities with radio waves
and huge search facility designs which I'm sure you can construct if
not now, then in the near future.  My advice, however, and which may
have already occurred to you, is to establish search facilities beyond
your atmosphere -- at the very least, in close orbit.  An
triangulatory array which stretches from Earth to the natural
satellite of Earth would boost your search range immensely.

But, as I say, further information will be forthcoming.

You must be patient and understanding of what I am able to send.
Certain formulaic patterns and suchlike, if transmitted, will almost
certainly trigger security alerts within my system's elaborate (but
not foolproof!) defense network.

I must be cautious.  If perhaps, some of my technological message
remains incomprehensible, it will only be that I have coded it in some
way to avoid detection of the message.  If this occurs, I send it only
in the vain hope that perhaps you may stumble across the key at some
point and thus avail yourselves of the information therein.

Buy time by being hostile.  We are not certain, yet, of your exact
destructive capabilities and other special traits.  This is why my
people usually have a contact period of friendliness -- to observe
technology and behavioral traits.  We have learnt from our past
efforts.

Which is why you must not allow the public to know of us for certain,
for political pressure may surely rise up forcing premature contact...

One last time, I urge you:  DO NOT ATTEMPT CONTACT WITH ALIEN BEINGS.
DO NOT ALLOW THE GENERAL POPULACE KNOWLEDGE OF OUR EXISTENCE.  BE
IMPLACABLY HOSTILE.

PITY NOTHING AND NO-ONE IN THE CARRYING OUT OF THESE POLICIES.

I wish you well, people of Earth.  I know I may be considered a
traitor to my kind, but I hope others may view me more kindly in times
to come.

I set before you a difficult task, but believe me when I say that it
MUST be done.

Other peoples DO exist.  Some are cut off from Earth by my people.
These are the closest to you.

But others, much further away exist and would almost certainly render
you aid if contacted in time.

Courage, people of Earth.  Others like me will do what we can to aid
you, but the heaviest part of the burden of my charge remains with
you. Do not fail...

tONy 
+---------------------------------------------+
[all from Stan Kegel]

"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight
from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?"
said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little,"
replied the first man. ... "Just two bytes."


Seems a gal was just walking into a receptionist area... when her 2
friends, Tina and Marge were sharing a very funny joke. In fact it was
so funny they were in tears. The gal walked in and upon seeing this
said, ... "Don't cry for me Marge & Tina.

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were
made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she
said, " I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Her
skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you
ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

Some local Nova Scotian teenagers went to Oak Island to search for the
legendary treasure of Captain Kidd. After thorough searching they came
across the cave where Kidd had hidden his most prized possessions.
They were afraid that if they were caught they would be arrested and
the treasure confiscated. So the leader of the group hid the loot
inside his grandfather's apiary. He then notified the rest of his
conspirators: ... Booty is in the beehives of the older."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List.  To subscribe, write 
maiser@mail.otherwhen.com and put "SUBSCRIBE McHawList" in the 
message body.]

CHICK CHIC & TRIVIA DRIVE A CULT FOLLOWING OF SPRING'S MARSHMALLOW
PEEPS

By Diane Daniel, Globe Staff

They are eaten, tortured, revered, tossed, worn as jewelry, and sent
over the Internet.  Some say they are sweet, cute symbols of spring;
others call them menacing and militaristic.  They are Marshmallow
Peeps, and despite the fact that their wings were clipped a few years
ago to speed up production, they fly off the candy shelves this time
of year.

The marshmallow chicks -- which weigh half an ounce each, are 1 1/4
inches tall and 2 inches long -- come out only in spring in a rainbow
of colors.  But thanks in part to the power of the Net and the love of
things retro and kitschy, they have attained a year-round cult status.
Poems are written about them, scientific experiments are conducted on
them, and a Web site sponsors a "Springtime Festival of Peeps,"
including a Peeps memories contest and electronic delivery of Peeps
and Bunnies greetings.

"I had gone into a Brooks Pharmacy nearby and saw them, and all these
Peeps memories came flooding back to me," recalls contest creator
Margaret Gould Stewart, vice president of media and community
development at Tripod, an on-line community of 1.2 million subscribers
based in Williamstown.

So last year, Stewart came up with the contest idea, where best
entries would be posted and authors would receive awards.  The day
after Stewart told the staff about the contest, someone "Peeped" the
office, putting the candy in drawers and coffee mugs and on shelves. 
"They become these petrified little things," she says of the Peeps.

"In just two weeks, we got more than 500 entries, and it amazed me how
much time people were willing to spend to craft an entry, and how
different and inventive the stories were," says Stewart, who graduated
from Boston College in 1992.  "You couldn't tell who was serious, but
in the end it didn't matter.  It was very hard to choose winners."

So difficult was the selection process that she had to divide the
entries into categories, including:  How to Eat Them, Unusual Uses for
Peeps, Stale vs. Fresh vs. Frozen Controversy, Science Fun With Peeps,
Mishaps With Peeps, and Peeps -- It's a Family Thang.

Even more popular than the contest has been the "Send a Peep"
promotion, offered free to Tripod members.  Chris Young, who oversees
games and contests at Tripod, says, "Even in the off-season, with no
promotion, at least 30 to 40 people a day were sending Peeps.  Lately,
people have been sending almost 1,000 a day."

While Tripod scores big in fun and cleverness, it lacks a bit in the
purist department:  "Send a Peep" choices are Bunnies of pink, yellow,
green (Tripod's creation), and blue -- and only one classic yellow
Peep.  For, as most Peeple will tell you, Peeps are the real thing;
Bunnies are impostors.  Tripod addresses that with a note to readers:
"Perhaps you are wondering, why so many Bunnies and only one lonely
yellow chick?  No matter how you photograph or scan the chick Peeps,
they always end up looking like little yellow turds."

Peeps fans not only send out electronic chicks or worship from afar,
they also consume.  Peeps and Bunnies are the top-selling
non-chocolate candies at Easter, even surpassing jelly beans, says the
proud parent of Peeps, Just Born, a company located in Bethlehem, Pa.

This year's production:  325 million Peeps and 240 million Bunnies,
reports Just Born spokeswoman Rose Craig.  Traditionally, yellow Peeps
are the most popular, followed by lavender (introduced in 1995), pink,
and white.  This year, blue Peeps and Bunnies were introduced and seem
popular, Craig says.

Boston is one of the largest markets for Peeps and Bunnies, and, in
the drugstore category, CVS sells the most Peeps in the country, Craig
says.  Tom Reilly, a CVS executive responsible for all the stores'
candy purchases and displays, says that nearly 70 percent of their
Peeps sales are in the Boston area.

"They're just a tremendous seller for us," says Reilly, whose office
predicts that 200,000 packages will be sold in this area.  "We sell
about 3 to 1 yellow, and Peeps will outsell the Bunnies."  Because
white was the lowest seller last year, "we don't carry it."

"The name of the game is yellow, and the name of the game is Peeps,"
he says.

"I'll give you one little insight.  A lot of folks like these Peeps
when they're older and harden up," he says, not realizing that his
remark could be considered highly controversial among Peeps
aficionados. "People buy them now, pop the package to get a little air
in, and then go back to them later."

Reilly says CVS doesn't carry imitation Peeps.  As for Just Born's
version, "as soft and gooey as they are, they still maintain their
character definition.  You've got to have the beak and the chick
shape, as opposed to being a blob of yellow."

Yes, some have mimicked the Just Born offerings, but no one has truly
competed, making the company synonymous with the product.

Three years ago, Craig enlisted a public relations firm to help with
media inquiries and publicity.

"Around this time, I get about 20 calls a day," she says.  "It's just
one of those kinds of products that has its own life out there." 
After one high-profile news article, Just Born received more than
4,000 calls.  Craig, who keeps a sense of humor about the Peeps mania,
dubs the followers Peep Geeks.  "This is fun stuff," she adds.

Nathan Hendler, however, finds Peeps more frightening than fun and
he's making a short animated film titled "Bad Peeps."  The 23-year-old
computer programmer, who lives in Tucson, encountered Peeps while
shopping for Easter candy with his girlfriend.  "I saw rows and rows
of Peeps in military formation.  It just kind of creeped me out."

Hendler calls Peeps "overrated as far as being cute goes."  After
outlining his film plot on his Web site, he "gets e-mails constantly
about this movie."

In "Bad Peeps," he explains, "a group of punk Peeps go out on a
rampage.  It's fairly juvenile.  The bad ones are all yellow.  The
white ones are upper class; they're the ones that really get it.  A
lot of people would like to see the Bunnies as well, but I want to
stick with Peeps."

Hendler vows he will finish the film by the end of May, but Web
followers already have started to request copies.  They also have
suggested follow-up film titles, such as "Silence of the Peeps,"
"Natural Born Peeps," "Peep Fiction," and, for those less prone to
violence, "Peepless in Seattle."

Meanwhile, at the University of Maryland, Jack Eidsness is in his
fourth year of running a "Peep Off" on the Web, a contest to see how
many Peeps one can eat (and hold down) in a sitting.  Last year's
winning number was 52.

Then there's Sharon Terzian, 41, who lives in Warwick, R.I.  Her
involvement in a Monkees Web site and chat group led her to post a
long list of Monkees song lyrics changed to feature Peeps, which the
group wrote as "a joke that got way out of hand."  For instance,
there's "I'm a Peep-leaver," sung to the tune of "I'm a Believer":

     "I thought peeps were only true in fairy tales
     Made for Christian kids, but not for me
     Peeps were out to get me
     That's the way it seemed
     Easter candy haunted all my dreams
     Then I saw the case
     Now I'm a Peep-leaver
     Without a trace
     of that stuff on my mind
     Oh, I'm a Peep-leaver
     I couldn't eat 'em if I tried."

The page of Peeps songs "gets whacked this time of the year," she
says. "It gets hits from all over the world."  Terzian says the least
number of hits the page has gotten is 600 in one week, but around now
it gets close to 5,000 a week.

"People think it's hysterical," says Terzian, adding that she doesn't
eat Peeps.  "They're too sweet for me.  My husband waits until they're
hard.  And have you seen those blue Peeps?  They're scary."

In general, she labels all Peeps "scary looking.  They have those
beady little eyes.  And Bunnies?  They're fake.  They don't even
count."

Another Web site devoted to Peeps is by two scientists at Emory
University in Atlanta who have conducted a number of experiments on
the candy.  Their studies include how Peeps react to heat and the
effects of smoking and alcohol on Peeps' health.

Of course, one of the wonderful things about Peeps is that they have a
long shelf life -- quite possibly forever.  So you may want to stock
up.  For a deep Peep discount, those in the know advise shopping the
day after Easter.  By the time fall rolls around, the Peeps will be
just right to eat.

Boston Globe, April 8, 1998
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews.  To subscribe, send an email to 
majordomo@katscratch.com in the BODY type subscribe kittysdailymews ]

DOGGY DICTIONARY

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do
this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let
the drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of
bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at
the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your
eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers
clean. 

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN:  Every good ACD's response to the command "sit !", especially if
your person is dressed for an evening out.  Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.

BUMP:  The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP:  A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined with The Sniff.  See above.

LOVE:   Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. 
 If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Terry Galan, via UGA Humor List.  Last verse added by Lara B. 
Little on the same list.]

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HELP SOLVE THE YEAR 2K PROBLEM?

     Sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island":

     Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
     Of the doom that is our fate,
     That started when programmers used
     Two digits for a date,
     Two digits for a date.

     Main memory was smaller then;
     Hard disks were smaller, too.
     "Four digits are extravagant,
     So let's get by with two,
     So let's get by with two."

     "This works through 1999,"
     The programmers did say.
     "Unless we rewrite before that
     It all will go away,
     It all will go away."

     But management had not a clue:
     "It works fine now, you bet!
     A rewrite is a straight expense;
     We won't do it just yet,
     We won't do it just yet."

     Now when two thousand rolls around
     It all goes straight to h#ll,
     For zero's less than ninety-nine,
     As anyone can tell,
     As anyone can tell.

     The mail won't bring your pension check.
     It won't be sent to you
     When you're no longer sixty-eight,
     But minus thirty-two,
     But minus thirty-two.

     The problems we're about to face
     Are frightening, for sure.
     And reading every line of code's
     The only certain cure,
     The only certain cure.

     There's not much time, there's too much code,
     (And COBOL-coders, few).
     When the century is finished with,
     We may be finished, too,
     We may be finished, too.

     The way to get the time we need I now propose to you:
     A Daylight Savings decade,
     Or maybe even two,
     Or maybe even two.

     Eight thousand years from now I hope
     That things weren't left too late,
     And people aren't lamenting
     Four digits for a date,
     Four digits for a date!

[added by Lara B. Little]

There is one way to fix this mess
I've got it now, by gosh!
If you want 4 digits for a date
Then get a Macintosh!
Then get a Macintosh!

+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Charlie Lester, on Rehu - religious, but too off-color 
for the JO/JP groups!]

Prayers for the Feast of St. Viagra, Martyr

Few know that the new potency pill in the U.S., Viagra, was actually
named after a saint. There is a liturgy for St. Viagra, and we've
obtained a copy of it.

Propers for the Feast of St. Viagra ("The Upright")

Entrance Hymn
Rise Up, O Men of God

Introit
Ant. Look on my affliction and deliver me * Let thy hand be ready to
help me.  Ps. At midnight I rise to praise thee * I rise before dawn
and cry for help.  (Ps. 119:62,147,153,173)

Collect

Almighty God, who dost make the crooked ways straight, and supporteth
the upright in their afflictions; graciously hear the prayers of thy
servant Viagra, who fainted at the sight of the sword but was raised
up straight to endure the pain of martyrdom, and grant us the strength
to be upright in the face of suffering and harder than stone when
confronted with the wiles of the Devil--we ask this through Jesus
Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with Thee and the Holy
Spirit, one God, now and forever. AMEN

Gradual
My beloved speaks and says to me * Arise, my love, my fair one, and
come. (Song of Songs 2:10)

Alleluia
Alleluia.  V. He has risen as he said. Alleluia. (Mt. 28:6)

Offertory
Rejoice in the Lord, O you righteous * Praise befits the upright. (Ps.
33:1)

Offertory Hymn
Hail the Day that Sees Him Rise

Communion
Light dawns for the righteous * And joy for the upright. (Ps. 97:11)

Recessional Hymn
Rock of Ages

[added by Swedie]

These hymns, of course, have replaced "Let All Mortal Flesh Keep
Silence."

A few others are worthy of mention in this context:


"Savior, Again to Thy Dear Name we Raise"
"Praise the Lord, Rise Up Rejoicing"
"Stand Up! Stand Up for Jesus"
"Strengthen for Service, Lord"
"Come, Ye Thankful People, Come"

And don't forget "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name." Lots of relevant
stuff : "Let angels' *prostates* fall." "Terrestrial ball." "Extol the
stem of Jesse's rod." I simply canNOT sing that hymn with a straight
face. Or play it with a straight face, for that matter. Actually,
years back, my PARENTS couldn't sing it with a straight face.

Postlude: "Schmcke dich"

Swedie
The Tasteful Episcopalian

+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~valkyrie/parody/maudlin-telepath.html . 
a Babylon 5 version of a Gilbert and Sullivan song.]

I Am The Very Model of a Maudlin Martyr Telepath

C. Scott Davis

BYRON: 

     I am the very model of a maudlin martyr telepath,
     I've information that will prove that Bester is a psychopath, 
     My followers took secrets from the alien ambassadors, 
     From Drazi to the Pak'Ma'Ra, now most of them are after us; 
     I'm very well acquainted, too, with quotes that are 
Shakespearical, 
     But to avoid this tragedy, now that would take a miracle, 
     I realise our chances for success are likely very thin, 
     But even so, I went ahead and took our case to Sheridan. 

TELEPATHS: 

     But even so, he went ahead and took our case to Sheridan.
     But even so, he went ahead and took our case to Sheridan.
     But even so, he went ahead and took our case to Sheridan.

BYRON: 

     I'm glad that Lyta's by my side, it really means a lot to me, 
     But Bester, given half a chance, would give her a lobotomy. 
     In short, I know that I can prove that Bester is a psychopath, 
     I am the very model of a maudlin martyr telepath,

TELEPATHS: 

     In short, he knows that he can prove that Bester is a psychopath,
     He is the very model of a maudlin martyr telepath,

BYRON: 

     I know about our history, the Vorlons and the Shadow war;
     From Lyta's mind I've learned exactly what we were created for,
     And of Covert Intelligence, we'll even take a stab at that, 
     And in return we only want a planetary habitat; 
     My followers are telepaths, both gothic and emotional, 
     From time to time you might have heard us singing a devotional! 
     And though my sense of humour's overshadowed by life's 
trajedies, 
     Upon occasion I have even read those silly parodies.

TELEPATHS: 

     Upon occasion he has even read those silly parodies.
     Upon occasion he has even read those silly parodies.
     Upon occasion he has even read those silly parodies.

BYRON: 

     I used to work with Bester, though it saddens that I must inform,
     You wouldn't think it now, I even wore a Psi-Cop's uniform: 
     In short, I know that I can prove that Bester is a psychopath, 
     I am the very model of a maudlin martyr telepath,

TELEPATHS: 

     In short, he knows that he can prove that Bester is a psychopath,
     He is the very model of a maudlin martyr telepath,

BYRON:

     I've tried to get my followers to keep a peaceful attitude,
     But with my teachings, there are some who take a bit of latitude,
     I realise, there's little chance for answers now adjutical, 
     We must re-join the Corps or face solutions pharmaceutical, 
     To end the hostage crisis, I have killed another telepath, 
     "REMEMBER BYRON" might turn out to be my final epitaph-- 
     In short, I think it probable that this will be the death of me, 
     But in the end, you'd think instead, we could have used an 
effigy.

TELEPATHS: 

     But in the end, you'd think instead, we could have used an 
effigy. 
     But in the end, you'd think instead, we could have used an 
effigy. 
     But in the end, you'd think instead, we could have used an 
effigy.

BYRON: 

     Once I destroyed a transport, because Bester I would not defy, 
     He said that they were just mundanes, like that would somehow 
justify, 
     But still, I know that I can prove that Bester is a psychopath, 
     I am the very model of a maudlin martyr telepath.

TELEPATHS: 

     But still, he knows that he can prove that Bester is a
psychopath, 
     He is the very model of a maudlin martyr telepath.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Michael J. Irvin, via UGA Humor List]

You know you live in the Northwest if you...

1. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

2. Know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture
computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes.

3. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and
Thai food.

4. Return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass
was dead."

5. Know the vast difference between SBC, Torrefazone, Coffee People 
and Starbucks.

6. Take a half day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and 
sunscreen.

7. Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how
long you were out of power and phone service for every winter-weather
event in the last five years.

8. Feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash
instead of recycling it.

9. Get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast
includes the term "sun breaks."

10. Are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the
country calls "coffee."

11. Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner's
policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides - or if the
number of your favorite roofing company is on your phone's
"speed-dial" list.

12. Never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and 
mattress pads that double as flotation devices.

13. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

14. Moved to the Northwest because you read that the two most popular
hobbies are fishing and reading. Since arriving you've taken up fly
fishing and learned to tie flies by reading a book.

15. Consider that if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently
erupted, regardless of elevation, it is a "hill" and not a "mountain."

16. Complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to
one for twice what you paid for it.

17. Don't complain about Californians because you secretly married to
one or are dating one.

18. Find a wallet with $500 in it, return it all to the owner and
refuse a reward.

19. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

20. Used to live somewhere else.

21. Believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent
boating deaths.

22. Believe swimming should only be done indoors, except in
emergencies.

23. Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of
microbrewries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidery.

24. Wave at people who drive Ford Explorer sport utility vehicles 
like yours.

25. Basically, you just drive down the road waving.

26. Can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though 
you can't see them through the clouds.

27. Think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there once.

28. Go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though
you only have an eight-hour work day.

29. Find that when the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace 
your hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals.

30. Believe people who use umbrellas are wimps, Californians, or 
both.

31. You are sitting at a downtown red light. The light turns green 
and the car in front of you does not move. You do not honk. After two 
more light changes, you approach the driver to ask if they need any
assistance.
+---------------------------------------------+
