5/11/98

[from Nick's Humor List at <nickhumor-owner@Listservice.net> ]

SMOKING MAKES YOU DIE
Tune:  Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

They asked them what they knew
And if it was true
They of course replied
We've nothing to hide
Facts can be denied

They said someday we'll find
That you're not so blind
And that you are liars
You cannot deny
Smoking makes you die

Congress asked them but they gayly laughed
To think they could find the truth
Yet today Joe Camel's gone away
I guess they found the proof

Now the courts will decide
Facts they cannot hide
So I smile and say
That you cannot deny
Smoking makes you die
Smoking makes you die

[Copyright 1997 Ginseng Productions]
You will find many other funny parodies on
Mike Smith's Politically Incorrect Sing-a-long Page
<http://www.erols.com/mtsmith1/>
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

24. Computers

Assembler Chicken:  First it builds the road ... 

C Chicken:  It crosses the road without looking both ways. 

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to him on the other side.

COBOL Chicken: 	0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. 
   IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES 
   THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD 
   VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL 
   ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE 
   ELSE 
   GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't
dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully
cooked.

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on
the other side.

G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.

Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the
server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are
chicklets.)

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we
do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross
the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it
just bought the road.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you
can carry it across the road in your pocket!

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for
sure.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a
message.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so
quiet that nobody noticed.

OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on
all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

VB Chicken: USHighways!<TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on
running.

Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it
crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while
crossing.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Rosenberg, via UGA Humor List]

                        NEW CABINET POSITION

(WASHINGTON, JRI) - President Clinton today announced his historic
plan for a new cabinet-level position: Secretary of Regret. The new
office would coordinate and prioritize official United States
government apologies for past, present and future actions. The budget
calls for funding of several key staff members to support the
Secretary : Undersecretary of Guilt, Apologist General, and the White
House Angstperson. 

The White House has named the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart as the first
Secrectary of Regret. "We have sinned against thee," cried a
sorrowful Swaggart in the press conference called to introduce him.
Swaggart said he plans to begin with "hurting the feelings of the
British," and move chronologically through each and every offense,
both real and imagined, ever committed by the United States of
America. 

As a sign of the seriousness of the undertaking, "E Pluribus Unum"
will be replaced by "Mea Culpa" on all U.S. coins. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Stebbins, via UGA Humor List]

DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"

AUTHOR A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

BOSS A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to
live in free societies.

CHILDHOOD The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first
arrest on a drug or weapons charge.

DENIAL How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

EXPERIENCE In the working world, something you can't get unless you've
already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.

FITNESS Salvation through perspiration.

GOURMET A food fetishist.

HOOKER A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves
for even less.

IDEOLOGUE Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment
by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots. JEANS Lower half of
the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.

KLEPTOMANIAC A thief with breeding.

LABORATORY ANIMALS Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science.
Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their
lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

MARTIAL ARTS A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting
largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing
to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is
armed with a semi-automatic.

NEIGHBORS The strangers who live next door.

ORGASM The punchline some women just don't get, generally because
their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.

PARASITE A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of
others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.

QUAGMIRE Any situation more easily entered into than exited from;
e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an
insurance salesman.

REDNECK Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when
addressing one in person.

SMILE To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill
toward a fellow human.

TRAILER PARKS Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast
American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and
tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.

UNWED MOTHER One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father,
without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.

VOTING The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a
curtain, as long as they do it alone.

WHITE SUPREMACISTS The most convincing argument against the theory of
white racial superiority.

X-RAY A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and
create new ones for future examinations to reveal.

Y-CHROMOSOME A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of
virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a
disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

ZOO A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for
depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their
natural habitats.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via Groaners .  To subscribe to Groaners, send a 
message to maiser@mail.otherwhen.com and in the body type SUBSCRIBE 
Groaners ]

Milton Berle, affectionately known as "Uncle Miltie", was television's
first superstar. Every Tuesday night for twenty years starting in
1948, all commerce would come to a halt on Tuesday nights as everyone
found a television set where the family could watch the Texico Star
Theater. 

But Uncle Miltie had a gambling problem, and in the forties no one
had conceived of Gamblers Anonymous for compulsive gamblers. Every
week, during rehearsals Berle would play gin rummy between takes and
he would always win big. 

By the time the show aired, he usually had won as much as his weekly
salary blitzing his producer. But after the show, they would play
craps where his luck was always bad, and by the end of the evening,
he would have lost everything he had won during the week. 

Everyone connected with the show knew that Uncle Miltie could
certainly handle gin, but invariably, ... Milton's pair of dice lost.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List.  See below for 
copyright info on this one.]

BANDERSNATCH GUIDE TO SUMMER CAMPS

School is almost out, and now the dreaded decision -- where to send
little Johnny and Jane for the summer so you can preserve your
marriage.  The Frumious Bandersnatch has researched summer camp
opportunities throughout the continent, and herewith offers our guide
to the pick of summer fun:

JUNGLE SURVIVAL CAMP:  This camp is located deep within the jungle of
Chiapas, Mexico.  For a mere $1,000 a week your child can learn such
important skills as how to gain support from local villagers,
automatic weapon maintenance, and political use of web sites for
counterrevolutionary movements.

BIKE ACROSS AMERICA CAMP:  Children enrolled in this camp are expected
to bicycle from Washington D.C. to San Francisco in less than 3
months. Along the way, they will learn how to fund-raise for the cause
of their choice, conduct interviews with local television stations,
and repair flat tires.  Parents must provide their child's bike.

CAMP SNIPE:  The ever popular snipe hunt caps a week of outdoor
camaraderie at this Maine camp.

CAMP BRONX:  "We offer rural children a chance to experience city life
by helping to reconstruct tenements, working in soup kitchens, and
riding the subways at night."  Sounds like fun.

FUGAWEE INDIAN CAMP:  Campers enrolled in this traditional native
American-style camp will learn useful skills taught by our Fugawee
Indian staff, such as the marketing of bead work and baskets to
tourists, and how to run a casino.

THE GUADALUPE RIVER CAMP:  A three day canoe trip down the Guadalupe
River in Texas highlights this camping experience.  Campers are
encouraged to look for illegal dumping of chemical waste and can
expect to encounter the always dangerous native Texan along the route.

THE SUPERSTITION MOUNTAIN RANCH CAMP:  Not only do campers get to
round up cattle and do all the other nasty work of a ranch in
temperatures exceeding 110 degrees, this camp also schedules weekend
outings into the Superstition Mountains to look for the Lost Dutchman
Goldmine.  Parents are required to sign an extensive release and hold
harmless agreement in the event their children join the hundreds of
people who have vanished mysteriously in these mountains.

BEAR CAMP:  This camp, located on Kodiak Island in Alaska, focuses on
the study of the American grizzly bear.  Campers must be able to run
100 yards in under 12 seconds to qualify for this camp.

INTERROCKING MUSIC CAMP:  If your child is musically inclined, and you
are sick and tired of hearing amplified guitar music at home, this is
the place for you.  Located 60 miles from the nearest human habitation
in western Arizona, children can play rock music as loud as they wish
until 4 in the morning.  Note:  all camp personnel are deaf.

CAMP CONGRESS:  A popular camp in Washington, D.C., participants
pretend they are members of Congress for a week.  The camper obtaining
the largest amount of corporate donations for the camp wins a special
award.

UNITED NATIONS CAMP:  New York City hosts this educational camp for
children seeking careers in the foreign service.  Campers are each
designated as an ambassador from some obscure country, and spend the
week bickering and complaining about the lack of United States
financial support for the United Nations.  A highlight of this camping
experience is an object lesson in diplomatic immunity as campers spend
a day with the New York City police handing out parking tickets to
real diplomats.

SPACE STATION CAMP:  Campers pretend they are living on the Russian
space station Mir, sleeping in cramped quarters, eating nothing but
beets, and practicing extinguishing the ever-exciting fires on the
station.

MIGRATORY LABOR CAMP:  This camp specializes in weight loss for weight
challenged kids.  Campers learn how to pick lettuce, tomatoes, green
onions, and strawberries in California's central valley.  Spanish
language education also offered.

Copyright 1997 Hugh Holub

Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper
http://www.bandersnatch.com/camp.htm
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews.  To subscribe send an email to 
majordomo@katscratch.com in the BODY type subscribe kittysdailymews ]

Are You There?

It was another boring Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room
watching television in the hopes that I would be entertained when the
phone rang.

"Hello?"

A girl's voice came over the line.

"Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a
wrong number. Of course, it was also a dull evening.

"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end...a confused silence. I had a live one.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well...he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..."
she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I must have sounded a lot more like Steve than I had thought.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said
that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with." (I've seen _Fletch_ several times).

"I know that! I mean....who is she?" (She must have seen _Fletch_,
too....Or is that _Fletch Too_? Whatever..)

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message
for Ben?"

"Yes...please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her
temper flaring. Now would be a good time to call an end to the
charade.

"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded this time. "WHO'S JENNIFER?!"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well...he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her.
Sorry...it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that ALICE called him
and the she's VERY UPSET and that i would LIKE HIM to CALL ME as SOON
AS HE GETS HOME."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will...but Becky isn't going to like
this..."

"BECKY?!?!?"

"*click*"
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Soni Satish, on UGA Humor List]

Calvin's (c) Dad's (D) "scientific" explanations.

C: How do they know the load limit on bridges, Dad?

D: They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it
breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge.

C: Why does the sun set?

D: It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the
day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down
and sets.

C: Why does it go from east to west?

D: Solar wind.

C: Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?

D: That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.

C: Where does the sun go when it sets? 

D: The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff.

C: Oh.

D: That's why the rocks there are so red. 

C: Don't the people get burned up? 

D: No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it is dark at night.

C: Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands?

D: Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about
the same size.

C: I thought I read that the sun was really big.

D: You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.

C: So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each
night?

D: Well, time for bed.

C: Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't
they have color film back then?

D: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color. It's
just the WORLD was black and white then.

C: Really?

D: Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and
it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.

C: That's really weird.

D: Well, truth is stranger than fiction.

C: But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black
and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?

D: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.

C: But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't
their paints have been shades of gray back then?

D: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else in the
'30s.

C: So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?

D: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

C: Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't
understand why time goes slower at greater speed. 

D: It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to
California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if
you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't
take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only
works if you're going west. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Scotland is a great place for fishing -- people travel from all over
Britain to take part in the angling competitions held in Fifeshire. To
keep the visiting fishermen entertained in the evenings, one of the
hotels decided to stage a fish eating competition as well. A dozen
competitors sat at a long table with a supply of grilled fish fresh
from the nearby river and their choice of tipple to help wash it down.
The winner would be the one who could eat the greatest number of whole
fish in 15 minutes.

There were two favourites in the race who had done well in the
previous year's competition. Local man John Hicks was well-known for
his appetite, and Steven Coleridge from London was also strongly
fancied, although he didn't have access to the same sort of training
facilities during the year.

At first, Hicks surged ahead and had devoured three fish in the first
five minutes. But Coleridge was close behind him and finished his
third fish after seven minutes. The rest of the field were rank
amateurs by comparison and most were only there for the free
beverages.

Hicks continued to lead for most of the allotted time, until suddenly
there was a loud crunching sound and he cried out in pain. He had
bitten a hard piece of bone and dislodged a molar; after consuming
eight fish he couldn't continue. Coleridge was unfazed and kept
chewing at his relentless pace. By the end of the fifteen minutes,
Coleridge had edged past his rival to win the competition!!

Predictably, the headline in the paper next day read:

        "One tooth free
         for Fife's Hicks,
         Steven ate nine tench."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jay Harman, via UGA Humor List]

Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters.....

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a
better company someday.

2) It's only unethical if you get caught.

3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
budget cuts 

4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!  (We
suck less!) 

7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did
it by  killing all those who opposed them. 

8) We put the "k" in "kwality" 

9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right
thing. 

10) Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity 

11)  A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a
scapegoat. 

12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the situation.

13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

14) We make great money! We have great benefits!  We do no work! We
are union members!

15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"

17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. 

18) Plagiarism saves time. 

19) If at first you don't succeed - try management. 

20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens. 

21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 

22) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12
years 

23) Never quit until you have another job. 

24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Barbara, on Rehu]

Drugs for men

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society
...

DIRECTA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got
lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new
one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge
to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and
"little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. 
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to
buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug
for only two days.  Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.  Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want
to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases
back into food solids.  Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long
car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).  Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of
other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into
"special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs.  Will be available Regular, Gran
Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Adrian Gilbert, via Stan Kegel on "Groaners"]

Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis:

According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no
signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are
hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut
back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you
guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may
get a raw deal.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from F u N - w O r L d   a t  http://funworld.forfree.at ]

How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac?

A while back, someone asked how many generic chickens would fit into
a generic Pontiac. This question has been on my mind recently, so I
decided to work out this problem, for the benefit of all humanity.

I. It has been proven succesfully that chickens have a definite
wave-like nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's famous double-slit
experiment of 1801, Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas showed that chickens
not only diffract, but produce interference patterns as well. (This
experiment is fully documented in Sir Kenneth's famous treatise
"Tossing Chickens Through Various Apertures in Modern Architecture",
1897)

II. It is also known, as any farmhand can tell you, that whereas if
one chicken is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible to
pinpoint the exact location of the chicken at any given time t. This
was summarized by Helmut Heisenberg (Werner's younger brother) in the
equation: d(chicken) * dt >= b (where b is the barnyard constant; 5.2
x10^(-14) domestic fowl * seconds)

III. Whatever our results, they must be consistant with the
fundamentals of physics, so energy, momentum, and charge must all be
conserved.

A. Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was
discovered by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with
chickens, kites, and thunderstorms.
B. The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation:
E = K + V
Where V is the potential energy of the chicken, and K is the
kinetic energy of the chicken, given by
(.5)mv^2 or (p^2) / (2m).
C. Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know that
the momentum of a free-chicken (that is, a chicken not enclosed
in any sort of Pontiac) is given by: p = b / w.

IV. With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave equation
for the potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave equation will
allow us to calculate the probability of finding any number of
chickens in automobiles.) The wave equation for a non-relativistic,
time-independant chicken in a one- dimensional Pontiac is given by: [V
* P] - [[(b^2) / (2m)] * D^2(P)] = E * P P is the wave function, and
D^2(P) is its second derivative. The wave equation can be used to
prove that chickens are in fact quantized, and that by using the
Perdue Exclusion formula we know that no two chickens in any Pontiac
can have the same set of quantum numbers.

V. The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply the
integral of P * P * dChicken from 0 to x, where x = the length of the
Pontiac. Since each chicken will have its own set of quantum numbers
(when examining the case of the three-dimensional Pontiac) different
wave functions can be derived for each set of quantum numbers. It is
important to note that we now know that there is no such thing as a
generic chicken. Each chicken influences the position and velocity of
every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each chicken must be
treated individually. It has been theorized that chickens do in fact
have an intrinsic angular momentum, yet no experiment has been yet
conducted to prove this, as chickens tend to move away from someone
trying to spin them. Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any attempt
to integrate a chicken should be done by parts, as most people will
tend to want the legs (dark meat), which can lead to innumerable
family conflicts which are best avoided if at all possible.

GG Wiz    If you have chicken for lunch and chicken for dinner, do you
ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Barbara Scheele, on Rehu - in response to the recent post 
entitled "Prayers for the Feast of St. Viagra, Martyr" - which was 
posted here on 5/9/98]

The Vatican will probably insist on St.Peter's feast day, changing 
the name to Viagro lest some women be 'confused' into thinking there 
were inclusive opportunities for celebration. (and there ARE,
heh,heh,heh)... Anyone here volunteering for clinical trials to
enhance female orgasmic power? Besides me?

>And shouldn't the Gospel be the Parable of the Sower? And there are
>lots of options for the other readings.

Yeah. Like Mt.24:48 (Lk12:45) " . . . My lord delayeth his coming . .
. "

>We could also have a holy fraternity that would reduce KofC
>membership to almost nothing - (K)Nights of Viagra. Of course, their
>charitable activity would be to provide financial assistance to those
>men who couldn't afford the medication.

And let us not forget the ladies. The Daughters of Isabella, the
womens Auxiliary of the Ks of C (no joke) should be consulted here.
(Back in the late 80s when the bishops were collecting comments on the
drafts of the 'women's pastoral' the Dof I urged them to abandon this
effort noting that relations between men and women were difficult
enough without the bishops getting into the act. They wrote a powerful
letter which I believe was recorded in _Origins_ around 87-89) Let no
woman be silenced on such an important issue.

Another pertinent reading:
Jas 2:15: ". . If a brother or sister be naked . . .  Even so faith,if
it have not works, is dead . . ." (with apologies to the Lutherans)
+---------------------------------------------+
[found on the Lyrics server and forwarded by Julie Burnham]

DOXOLOGY II
(Martin Grosswendt)

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Who made clams and Spaghetti-O
Prunes, pickled onions and Cheez-Whiz.
Praise Him who am the great "I is."

Praise God who put our friends beside us
Then gave us all conjunctivitis;
Gout, rickets, cancer and the leech.
Plus that fate which awaits us each.

Praise God, who made both me and you
And made the Pill and condom, too,
With these and diaphragms and all
We're lucky we got here at all.

Praise Him who lurks behind the cloud
Who does us dirty, does us proud;
A sense of humor from on high.
God! What a concept, what a guy!

+---------------------------------------------+
[from F u N - w O r L d   a t  http://funworld.forfree.at ]

A Politically-Correct Birthday Greeting !
-----------------------------

At last--Today's your Special(1) Day!
The World(2) all stops to shout hooray(3) !
We(4) wish you peace and joy and fun
Today you're the exalted(5) one.

FootNotes :
========

(1) Except where this day is a holiday celebrated by other cultures,
or others whose birthday should fall on this day, respecting the
effect of the International Dateline.

(2) Or, more properly, the portion of the world immediately 
surrounding you, which may differ significantly in any way from other
cities, towns, or countries, all of which are valid and important in
their own right.

(3) Except persons speaking other languages, who may shout whatever
version of "hooray" their specific culture supports.

(4) "We" being any who consent to such a wish, not including persons
of differing viewpoints who may dissent.

(5) Not to imply others may be any less exalted, either today, or on
their own birthdays, or any day of their choosing.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.theonion.com/onion3302/rapedenvironment.html ]

RAPED ENVIRONMENT LED POLLUTERS ON, DEFENSE ATTORNEYS ARGUE

OLYMPIA, WA -- In their opening statement before jurors Monday,
defense attorneys representing Pacific North Construction & Lumber
Corp. argued that their client was not at fault for the July 1997 rape
of 30,000 acres of virgin forest, claiming that the forest led the
development company on with "an eager and blatant display of its rich,
fertile bounty."

==============
Photo sidebar:

According to Dennis Schickle (above), lead defense attorney for
Pacific North Construction & Lumber Corp., his client's rape of 30,000
acres of forest (right) was precipitated by the plaintiff's "flagrant
flaunting of its abundant natural resources." 
==============

"While, obviously, it is extremely unfortunate that this forest was
raped, it should have known better than to show off its lush greenery
and tall, strong trees in the presence of my client if it didn't want
anything to happen," said lead defense attorney Dennis Schickle,
speaking before a courtroom packed with members of the media.  "It's
only natural for any red-blooded American developer to get ideas in
its head when it's presented with that kind of untouched beauty."

"The bottom line is," Schickle continued, "if you're going to tease
and encourage like that, openly flaunting your abundant natural
resources, don't be surprised by the consequences."

Public opinion regarding the high-profile case, which is being closely
watched by timber-industry lobbyists and victims' rights groups across
the U.S., is deeply divided.  While some contend that the forced
ravaging of a piece of land until it is stripped bare is never
justifiable under any circumstances, others say that such an action is
understandable if the wooded area gives off mixed signals.

"The Pacific North Construction & Lumber Corp. had every reason to
believe that that forest wanted it bad," said logger Victor Duffy of
Chelan, WA.  "Just look at where it was at the time of the incident: 
It was in a secluded, far-off place, nearly 25 miles from the nearest
road.  What were those trees doing in that kind of remote spot if they
weren't looking for trouble?"

Those siding with the timber company also cite the forest's history,
claiming that it has a reputation for being easily exploited.

==============
Photo sidebar:

Above:  A stretch of raped environment stripped bare by Pacific North
loggers in a remote section of northwest Washington state.  Defense
attorneys have questioned what the trees were doing in such a secluded
place. 
==============

"Believe me, this is no virgin forest," said Frank Abbate, owner of
the Bellingham-based G&H Consolidated Timber.  "It may try to pass
itself off as pristine and untouched, but I know for a fact that it
has a long history of allowing itself to be used by developers."

In his opening statement, defense attorney Schickle also pointed out
that when Pacific North loggers arrived at the forest on the day in
question, its floor was covered in alluring, fragrant flowers that
were "clearly meant to attract."

"When a forest drapes itself in flora of every color and scent
imaginable, it's obviously asking for it," Schickle said.  "I'm sure
the plaintiff will argue that these radiant flowers were meant to lure
pollen-hungry bees, not pulp-hungry loggers.  But how was my client
supposed to know this?  When was it made clear that this colorful
display was meant to attract one particular species of fauna but no
other?  When was it made clear that this forest was looking to satisfy
the needs of bees and bees only?"

Russell Belanger, president of the National Timber And Logging
Association, agreed.  "This forest made it seem like it wanted it,
then cried environmental rape when it got it," he said.  "At some
point, we've got to start asking ourselves who the real victim is in
these cases:  our nation's promiscuous, manipulative forests, or the
good, decent developers out there who are just trying to make an
honest living razing the land."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List

THE AMAZING TALKING CAT
by Jon Carroll <jrc@sfgate.com>

SO I AM SITTING at my computing machine earning my living, and my cat
wanders in and speaks to me.  I recognize that category of discourse
immediately; it is meowus ordinari, the common house cry.

The two other primary varieties of cat speech are meowus bigtroubli, a
sort of low growling moan, and screechus extremeli, which is an
upper-register howl designed to alert people in Utah to the existence
of certain troubling facts.

Those two modes of expression always demand my immediate attention. 
The former usually means there's an opossum in the kitchen; the latter
means that the cat is being abducted by aliens -- a not uncommon
occurrence, alas.

Meowus ordinari often has to do with food.  Less often, it has to do
with access.  Boomer has a cat door, but she does not like the cat
door.  She is a large cat, and her door is not a large door.  She
would much prefer the services of a doorman.

So I am sitting, as I say, my stubby fingers flying over the keys, and
the cat is standing in the middle of the room and speaking.  Whatever
she is talking about, I know she can wait just a minute.

I mean, she's a cat.  She weighs 13 pounds.  I weigh 195.  I do not
have claws, but I have a certain animal cunning.  I can purchase
weapons.  I am the alpha male.  If I am creating lovely sentences, the
cat is going to have to like it or lump it, although she will
certainly lump it.

And she can just go on lumping it until I am ready to deal with her
demands.  There can be nothing less than absolute clarity on the power
dynamics.  Me:  Big human, opposable thumb, knows many words of
French, can drive a car.  Her:  Small cat, no thumb, limited speech,
owns no vehicles.  I ask you:  Who is the master?

BUT SHE DOES not meow just once.  She meows and meows and meows.  She
walks up and down, as though she were doing the Meow Play in a
theater-in-the-round.  She attempts to establish eye contact.

Well, of course it is impossible to create prose with a damn cat
yowling in one's ear.  I stand up, stare down at the cat and say, "OK,
what is it?"

She immediately goes into the "Quick, Timmy, come quick, old farmer
Roberts is drowning in the crick" dance.  She races toward the object
of desire and turns to see if I'm coming.  If I'm not, she runs back
toward me, turns and runs away.  "Follow me, Timmy, the whirlpool at
Devil's Bend is dragging him under!"

Reluctantly, I follow her.  Unsurprisingly, our destination is the
food bowl.

I GET DOWN on my knees.  I run my fingers through the kibble.  "Look,
Boomer, plenty of food still left.  None of these Poultry Platter
Flavor bits are over 24 hours old.  Besides, and forgive me for
mentioning this, you're a cat."

But no.  The food doesn't smell right or something.  I know that if I
were to leave the house in a rush and forget to fill the cat bowl,
then somehow the vile food that did not smell right would be all gone
when I returned home to strenuous recriminations.

Boomer understands my attitude instantly.  She runs in distressed
circles.  "Poison, poison, my master is trying to poison me.  Whatever
am I to do?  I am but a poor neutered cat with no means of support. 
Oh poor me, oh dear."

I know where this is leading.  If I go back into my room, she'll
follow, and the dance will begin again.  I get some more food and put
it in her bowl.

She walks away, not wishing to seem over-eager.  She lies down and
starts washing herself.  Food?  She is indifferent to food.  I let
loose a howlus anguishii, the cry of the American cat owner.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Groaners]

There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been
separated from their unit and are lost. The've been wandering for
several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the
fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the
top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before
them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a
mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders'
cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's
really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can
and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in
the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall
surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you
have any sustenance for us?" The stallholder shook his head and
replied "I'm sorry, french legionnaire type people, but all I have to
sell is a load of bowls full of jelly,topped with custard and cream,
and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to
the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine
foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert
for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are
required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell
us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarressed,
and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the
ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to
sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and
sprinkled with hundereds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry
in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace
cherry. "I cannot help you.." The legionnaires look at each other in
desparation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the
stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a
sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without
water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he
confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly,
with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll
have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through
dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went
through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether
they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives,
but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a
bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected
and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert
market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned
to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the
middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard,
cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his
companion and replied, ... "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Utah Woman Deletes The Internet -- Millions Of Users In Worldwide
Panic By Tom 7 (Dissociated Press)

REDMOND -- Millions of frustrated calls rushed into Internet service
providers this last Thursday as "The Information Superhighway" was
reported Missing In Action for several days.

The Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) traced the problem to a
home in Utah where Doris Packuko resides.  She was allegedly found
"hysterical and crying," police say.

"That much information flowing through the phone lines all at once
generates a lot of heat," Doug Wernicke of the IETF told us, "We just
followed the smell of burning fiber optics."

"Apparently, she just deleted The Internet right off her desktop. 
Even after being warned, 'are you sure you want to delete The
Internet?' she persisted."

Experts claim that this is a major problem with The Information
Superhighway, perhaps even worse than animal pornography.  "The
Internet is a great cooperative work, built by millions of people.  It
is so unfortunate that it can be ruined by just one person.  Thank God
we were able to save it," commented Packuko's neighbor.

The IETF was able to recover most of The Internet by opening up
Packuko's Recycle Bin and dragging The Internet back onto the desktop.
The rest was restored from the master backup copy kept on Zip Disk in
the Pentagon. Packuko claims ignorance was the cause of her act.  "I
just didn't know.  I was trying to clean up my desktop and I deleted
it.  I ... I just didn't realize."

Microsoft Corporation reports that they are currently working on a bug
fix.

(for instructive pictures, and more stories, check out 
http://snoot.com/)
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Barbara on Rehu]

The History of the English Language

Written by  Owen Alun and Brendan O'Corraidhe

In the beginning there was an island off the coast of Europe.  It had
no name, for the natives had no language, only a collection of grunts
and gestures that roughly translated to "Hey!" "Gimme!" and "Pardon
me, but would you happen to have any woad?"

Then the Romans invaded it and called it Britain, because the natives
were "blue, nasty, br(u-i)tish and short."  This was the start of the
importance of u (and its mispronounciation) to the language.  After
building some roads, killing off some of the nasty little blue people
and walling up the rest, the Romans left, taking the language
instruction manual with them.

The British were bored so they invited the barbarians to come over
(under Hengist) and "Horsa" 'round a bit.  The Angles, Saxons, and
Jutes brought slightly more refined vocal noises.

All of the vocal sounds of this primitive language were onomatapoeic,
being derived from the sounds of battle.  Consonants were derived from
the sounds of weapons striking a foe.  "Sss" and "th" for example are
the sounds of a draw cut, "k" is the sound of a solidly landed axe
blow, "b", "d", are the sounds of a head dropping onto rock and sod
respectively, and "gl" is the sound of a body splashing into a bog.

Vowels (which were either gargles in the back of the throat or sharp
exhalations) were derived from the sounds the foe himself made when
struck.

The barbarians had so much fun that decided to stay for post-revel.
The British, finding that they had lost future use of the site, moved
intothe hills to the west and called themselves Welsh.

The Irish, having heard about language from Patrick, came over to
investigate.  When they saw the shiny vowels, they pried them loose
and took them home.  They then raided Wales and stole both their
cattle and their vowels, so the poor Welsh had to make do with sheep
and consonants.  ("Old Ap Ivor hadde a farm, L Y L Y W!  And on that
farm he hadde somme gees.  With a dd dd here and a dd dd there...")

To prevent future raids, the Welsh started calling themselves "Cymry"
and gave even longer names to their villages.  They figured if no one
could pronounce the name of their people or the names of their towns,
then no one would visit them.  (The success of the tactic is
demonstrated still today.  How many travel agents have YOU heard
suggest a visit to scenic Llyddumlmunnyddthllywddu?)

Meantime, the Irish brought all the shiny new vowels home to Erin. But
of course they didn't know that there was once an instruction manual
for them, so they scattered the vowels throughout the language purely
as ornaments.  Most of the new vowels were not pronounced, and those
that were were pronounced differently depending on which kind of
consonant they were either preceding or following.

The Danes came over and saw the pretty vowels bedecking all the Irish
words.  "Ooooh!" they said.  They raided Ireland and brought the
vowels back home with them.  But the Vikings couldn't keep track of
all the Irish rules so they simply pronounced all the vowels "oouuoo."

In the meantime, the French had invaded Britain, which was populated
by descendants of the Germanic Angles, Saxons, and Jutes.  After a
generation or two, the people were speaking German with a French
accent and calling it English.  Then the Danes invaded again, crying
"Oouuoo! Oouuoo!" burning abbeys, and trading with the townspeople.

The Britons that the Romans hadn't killed intermarried with visiting
Irish and became Scots.  Against the advice of their travel agents,
they decided to visit Wales.  (The Scots couldn't read the signposts
that said, "This way to Lyddyllwwyddymmllwylldd," but they could smell
sheep a league away.)  The Scots took the sheep home with them and
made some of them into haggis.  What they made with the others we
won't say, but Scots are known to this day for having hairy legs.

The former Welsh, being totally bereft, moved down out of the hills
and into London.  Because they were the only people in the Islands who
played flutes instead of bagpipes, they were called Tooters.  This
made them very popular.  In short order, Henry Tooter got elected King
and begin popularizing ornate, unflattering clothing.

Soon, everybody was wearing ornate, unflattering clothing, playing the
flute, speaking German with a French accent, pronouncing all their
vowels "oouuoo" (which was fairly easy given the French accent), and
making lots of money in the wool trade.  Because they were rich,
people smiled more (remember, at this time, "Beowulf" and "Canterbury
Tales" were the only tabloids, and gave generally favorable reviews
even to Danes).  And since it is next to impossible to keep your
vowels in the back of your throat (even if you do speak German with a
French accent) while smiling and saying "oouuoo" (try it, you'll see
what I mean), the Great Vowel Shift came about and transformed the
English language.

The very richest had their vowels shifted right out in front of their
teeth. They settled in Manchester and later in Boston. There were a
few poor souls who, cut off from the economic prosperity of the wool
trade, continued to swallow their vowels.  They wandered the
countryside in misery and despair until they came to the docks of
London, where their dialect devolved into the incomprehensible
language known as Cockney. Later, it was taken overseas and further
brutalized by merging it with Dutch and Italian to create Brooklynese.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Heather]

                      ~ The Diary of An AOL User ~

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes.  It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to
AmericaOnline for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy.
But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so
smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then
the jerks who sold me the modem.  They didn't even tell me about
communications software. Bet they didn't know.  And why do they put
two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when youonly need one?
And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not supposed to
hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded
funny!  Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the
sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he
is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called Usenet. I got out of it because
I'm connected to America Online not Usenet.

July 30 - These people in this Usenet thing keep using capital
letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital
letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT
WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT
A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS
ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT'S A STANDARD. I TOLD
HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE
HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT
GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT
IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS
JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER
SIDE!  HA! HA!  I WASN'T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE
TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW
SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS
RUDE.  WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE.  I WASN'T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22
MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO
USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT ASTUPID JERK. I'M NOT SHOUTING! I'M NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST
TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it?
It's probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so
exited.  I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions
and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a
fewposts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of
the earth.  I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about
something.  Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked
and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I can't ask
the kidnext door. His parents said that when he comes back from my
house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework.
So they wont let him comeover anymore. I do have a great sense of
humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken
joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff.  Some people sent me posts
about my 56 posts of the joke and they used badwords.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include
my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add
that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.
I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

CHOCOLATE LAYER CAKE 1040

Line 1

Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one)
pound.  (See line 4.)

Line 2

Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial
account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar
must be used.  Do not substitute molasses or honey.  Use 1 (one) cup
and adjust to taste.

Line 3

Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.

Line 4

Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz.  Nonfarm families may choose the optional
method of using cocoa powder.  If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2
oz.  (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa.
Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution.  For adjustments to
sugar, see pg. 29.  Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). 
Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2.  For
additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.

Line 5a

Flour, white.  If you were a federal, state or local government
employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit.  Measure
2 cups, sifting is optional.

Line 5b

Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.

Line 5c

Alternative mixture:  1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat
flour.

Line 6

Vanilla, 1 teaspoon.  See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation
vanilla flavoring.  You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla
extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.

Line 7

Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional).  If you are a head of household with
dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.

Line 8

Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons.  Use of baking soda will result in a
penalty.  See form W-Q.  Line 8a.  Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped.  You may
be eligible to use pecans or almonds.  See Part III of Schedule PE,
Itemized Substitutions.

Line 9

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). 
Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling
ingredients.  In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for
3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first.  (Note:  If
you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional
butter and sugar at this point.)

Line 10

Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture.  If the
eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be
eligible for a Fowl Credit.  See Form 9871m "For the Birds."

Line 11

Add vanilla.

Line 12

In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat.  If you are using the
Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir
cocoa into the creamed mixture.  Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b,
or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking
powder.

Line 13

Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).

Line 14

Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or
1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have
prepared earlier.  Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50
minutes, whichever is greater.  After removing cake pan(s) from oven,
cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire
rack.  When cake is completely cool, frost it.  (To determine time
needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.)  See Form 873 for
details on appropriate frostings.  Note:  If you weigh 20 percent more
(or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this
recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

GET A LIFE

For years, I went around happy as a lark.  Then one day a friend told
me I really had to get a life.  I thought about that and decided maybe
she was right.  So I shopped around.  I finally decided on this cute
little import.  Very sleek and very fast.  It was fun for a while, but
one day, my life started to act up on me..... To save a few bucks, I
had decided to pass on the extended warranty.  When I took my life
into the shop they took one look at it and laughed me right out of the
place.  They told me they had never seen a life in such bad shape as
mine, and there was nothing they could do.

So there I was, stuck with a life that was totally screwed up..... I
finally decided I had to get rid of it before they foreclosed.  I
asked some friends, and one told me the answer was to get a clue. 
Aha!  So that was what was wrong.  Here I had a life when I should
have gotten a clue instead.  So...... Off I went in search of a clue.

I found what seemed to be a promising clue.  But what to do about my
life?  I placed some classified ads:

     "For Sale:  One life... A handy mans delight.  Just needs
      a little TLC (Tender Loving Care).  Will sell cheap
      to the right person...."

After weeks, a good offer finally came in from some guy in Butte,
Montana.  I sold him my life, wished him all the best luck, and
hurried off to see if the clue was still available..... What luck, it
was.... I quickly placed a deposit on it, and this time signed up for
the extended warranty.

So there I was.... Strutting my clue all over town.... I was just
proud as could be..... But once again, in what seemed like no time, my
clue started to give me troubles.  Nothing serious at first, but as
time went on, the troubles became more and more costly.  I tried
taking it into the shop, confident that my warranty would cover the
problem.  It was only then I discovered it was only valid WITH a
life..... ARRRGH!!!!!!!!

So, I unloaded my clue, and now I'm right back where I started from,
though a little wiser.... So please people, don't tell me to get a
life and don't tell me to get a clue.  I've had both and found their
not all their cracked up to be.....

Thank you kindly

Greg Kamer
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Home Protection Advice

If you spot a minority in your gated community who is
     not holding a leafblower or other lawn-care device, call
     your local police immediately.

When using a baseball bat to protect your home, always remember that:
     1. Violent criminals may legally have their skull bashed in, but
     2. Property criminals may only have their arms and legs broken.

When going on vacation, be sure to leave the oven on.
     This will fool people into thinking you are home

When a suspicious stranger knocks at your door, reply
     in a falsetto voice, "Ain't nobody here but us chickens."

Leave a glass of milk and plate of cookies on kitchen
     table with a note reading "For burglars." 
     Poison the cookies.

The best way to prevent burglary is to avoid keeping
     valuables lying around. Leave your six-bedroom
     mansion unfurnished, then shower, sleep and change
     clothes at the YMCA only.

Surround your house with an impenetrable labyrinth of
     enchanted briars.

Make your home unappealing to burglars by smearing
     windows and doors with your own feces.

If a stranger rings your doorbell, only talk to him if you
     have a handgun jammed down his throat.

Keep several cauldrons of boiling lead or tar on your ramparts
     at all times.  Don't hesitate to use them if pagens begin
     attacking your fortress door with their ramrod.

Before going to bed, spread broken glass on your
     floors. Use a ratio of one pound for every five square
     feet, and leave yourself a path to the bathroom.

Rig your home with an electronic timer to randomly
     switch lights on and off every 15 seconds.

Place a large, highly visible "No Radio" sign in the 
     front window of your home.

Kids should never tell a stranger who calls that they are home alone. 
     Have them say,.....
     "Mom and dad are too busy fucking to come to the phone."

If you accidentally shoot a neighbor you mistake for a burglar, 
     drag him inside and get his prints on a steak knife.

Keep your wife's expensive jewelry hidden deep within her anal column.

A handgun is of no use unless it is easily accessible in an emergency.
     Make sure your spouse and children know where it is at all 
     times.

Protect your prized "Precious Moments" figurines with an 
     elaborate network of lasers.

Pile valuables in center of living-room floor. 
     Sit on pile holding double-barreled shotgun. Do not sleep.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Texas makes me think of the old slogan "remember the Alamo." It seems
that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his
wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy and
shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line.
After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and ... sued
for Alamo knee....


I was hired to modernize the town's only department store. I had to
convince them that it was financially sound to add escalators, even
though they had adequate elevators. Every successful department store
executive should know that elevators ... have their ups and downs, ...
but escalators ... are a step in the right direction.

My bigggest error was to recommend they redo the front in imported
marble. Everybody .... took it for granite.


At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small,
red salmon. He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, "Wait,
I'm much too small!" "Wow!, a talking salmon," the fisherman
exclaimed, "What's your name? "Rusty," replied the salmon. "Please
throw me back into the sea!" The fisherman did so. About a year later,
the man was fishing the same spot when he again caught Rusty!
"Amazing," exclaimed the fisherman, "What have you been doing since I
last caught you?" "I've been sitting on the wreck of the good ship
Titanic writing poetry, it's very inspirational there." The fisherman
read some of the poems and was quite impressed. "These should be
published," he said. "Have you thought of a title for them?" After
some thought the fish said, "I'll call them ... "Salmon Rusty's
Titanic Verses."

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!  To subscribe, send a message to:  
majordomo@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu  
In the body write SUBSCRIBE FUNNIES ]

Imagine if you will...  the leader of the fifth invader force speaking
to the commander in chief...

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat.  They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it.  We picked several from different parts of
the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the
way through.  They're completely meat."

"That's impossible.  What about the radio signals?  The messages to
the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from
them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines?  That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines.  That's what I'm trying to tell you.  Meat
made the machines."

"That's ridiculous.  How can meat make a machine?  You're asking me to
believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.  These creatures are the only
sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei.  You know, a carbon-based
intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope.  They're born meat and they die meat.  We studied them for
several of their life spans, which didn't take too long.  Do you have
any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me.  Okay, maybe they're only part meat.  You know, like the
Weddilei.  A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope.  We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the
Weddilei.  But I told you, we probed them.  They're meat all the way
through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right.  It's just that the brain is made out
of meat!"

"So...  what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you?  The brain does the thinking.  The
meat."

"Thinking meat!  You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat!  Conscious meat!  Loving meat.  Dreaming meat.
The meat is the whole deal!  Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod!  You're serious then.  They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes.  They are indeed made out meat.  And they've been
trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us.  Then I imagine it wants to explore the
universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information.  The
usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea.  That's the message they're sending out by radio.
'Hello.  Anyone out there?  Anyone home?'  That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then.  They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes.  Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio?  Meat sounds.  You
know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise?  They talk by
flapping their meat at each other.  They can even sing by squirting
air through their meat."

"Omigod!  Singing meat.  This is altogether too much.  So what do you
advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

 "Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and
all sentient races or multi-beings in the quadrant, without prejudice,
fear, or favor.  Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and
forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit.  Do we really want to make
contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent.  What's there to say?"  `Hello, meat. 
How's it going?'  But will this work?  How many planets are we dealing
with here?"

"Just one.  They can travel to other planets in special meat
containers, but they can't live on them.  And being meat, they only
travel through C space.  Which limits them to the speed of light and
makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. 
Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel.  But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat?  And the
ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? 
You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do.  We went into their heads
and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat!  How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's
dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

"Good.  Agreed, officially and unofficially.  Case closed.  Any
others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a
class nine star in G445 zone.  Was in contact two galactic rotations
ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not?  Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the
universe would be if one were all alone."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

HARPER'S EXTRA:  IT'S ALL IN A NAME

Ralph Lauren's Shades of Pale

The following is a partial list of the shades of white paint included
in the new Ralph Lauren paint line.  The clothing designer began
selling his line of house paints in selected cities in January.

Aspen Summit, Avalanche, Breakwater White, Candelabara White, Country
Stove White, Design Studio White, Dover Cliffs, Dune White, Edwardian
Linen, Flour Sack White, Garden Rose White, Journal White, Killington
Traverse, Montauk Driftwood, Petticoat White, Picket Fence White,
Pocket Watch White, Polo Mallet, White Poncho, White Portico, White
Resort, White River Rapids, Riviera Terrace, Roadster, White Sail,
White Sailor's Knot, Sneaker White, Snowdrift, Starched Apron, Tennis
Court White, Tackroom White, Tuxedo Shirt.

The Shade of Things to Come

(From the 1995 "Consumer Color Directions Palette," a list of 41
"trend-defining" colors issued last year by the Color Marketing Group,
an association of 1,400 "design and color professionals." The Color
Marketing Group convenes twice a year to choose a "forecast palette
reflecting the consensus regarding future color movement.")  The
colors below are expected to gain popularity over the next year:

Espresso:  A rich, warm, roasted brown evocative of the comfort,
conversation and neighborly feeling found in a coffeehouse.

Craft:  This brown reflects the themes of arts and crafts,
responsibility for the environment and recyclability.

Cabernet:  This rich, deep, berry-toned red adds perceived value to
automotive exteriors.

Purple Haze:  Spiritual and gender-neutral; it layers purple with a
smoky complexity.

Grunge:  This gray-green reflects the youthful rebellion against
establishment brights.

Saffron:  This softened orange is more livable and lovable than the
hot oranges of the past.

Provenance:  A universal blue, equally at home in the French
countryside or an Amish barn.

Kilim:  Borrowed from ancient textiles, this sun-washed red links us
to our multicultural heritage.

Smithsonian:  This weathered brick bridges yellow, orange and red.  It
adds a warm, gentle punch to our Forecast Colors.

Flutterby Blue:  Clean and vibrant, this reddish blue hints at the
iridescence in the wing of a passing butterfly.

H-Blue-O:  An aquatic addition to our palette, it speaks of clear,
clean waters and inspires new hope for the future.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Rhett, on Rehu]

===================================
Reasons Microsoft is like the Borg.
===================================

    The Borg Collective             Bill Gates and the Microsoft
                                             Collective

1.  Travel from system to system    Travel from culture to culture
    assimilating culture after      assimilating system after system.
    culture.

2.  "We will add your               "We will add your money and all of
    individuality and your          your productivity to our own"
    distinctiveness to our own"

3.  There are sub parts of the      There are parts of the Microsoft
    Borg that are incompatible      collective that are incompatible
    with the rest of the            with the rest of the collective
    collective for an               for an undetermined reason.
    undetermined reason.            (Microsoft Works) 
    (Hugh and his Borg)

4.  The Borg have a Queen that      The Microsoft Collective have
    is evil and ambitious enough    Gates who is evil and ambitious 
    to go back in time to enslave   enough to, in the past, use a Basic
    humanity.                       interpretor to begin the empire to
                                    enslave humanity.

5.  The Borg hunt down and absorb   Microsoft hunts down and absorbs
    anything that is different      all Macintosh, UNIX, and OS2 
    even from them, even if it      users, though they only make 
    is not a threat.                up ten  percent of the market.

6.  "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"          "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"

========================================
Reasons Microsoft is worse than the Borg.
========================================

    The Borg Collective             Bill Gates and the Microsoft
                                         Collective

1.  The Borg are mortal and are     Microsoft is an immortal
    repeatedly beaten by normal     corporation, and there doesn't 
    humans like Picard.             seem to be any way  to stop them.

2.  Individuals have escaped the    No one escapes Windows.
    Borg (Guinan, Soran, Hugh)

3.  When the Borg assimilate a      Microsoft improved themselves with
    culture, they improve           Windows 95.
    themselves.

4.  The Borg are fast and punctual  Microsoft is not.
    with their new invasions.

5.  The Borg invade using one       Microsoft invades with packages
    self contained ship.            like Office and Works.

6.  If you separate a Borg from     If you separate Windows and DOS
    the collective, it will return  from your computer, what can you
    to being an individual.         replace it with?

7.  The Borg are characters in a    Microsoft is real.
    T.V. show.

* Qwkit 1.0b * File not found.  S)tay in jail, R)eturn cake, B)ang
cup.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

1. Never, EVER slow down when the light turns yellow. If you're
within half a block of a stop light when it turns yellow, put the
pedal to the metal.

2. When attempting to enter a street from any parking lot, make sure
that at least the front third of your car is sticking out into the
nearest lane.

3. When it starts raining, completely lose your ability to drive and
act like you've never done it before.

4. Using your turn signals is absolutely prohibited, except in
limited circumstances. Like when you're 5 feet from the corner. NEVER
when you're making a right turn and someone is waiting to pull out
into YOUR lane.

5. Red lights are only TRULY red five seconds after the yellow light
goes out.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews.  Website archives: 
http://www.katscratch.com .  Miss Kitty has asked me to say: Vote 
for Kitty's Daily Mews/Litter Box Mews HomePage! Vote Wednesday May 
20! Make sure to vote ONLY 1 time per screen name.  Go to <A 
HREF="http://members.aol.com/LYN29SHY/vote.html">Welcome to the 
Voting Page </A> to vote. ]

SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE

1.  American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2.  Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a
restaurant.

3.  You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4.  You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with
Abe Lincoln.

5.  Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

6.  You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in
tennis shoes. 

7.  You rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 

8.  You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 

9.  You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.

12. Sally Struthers sends you food.

13. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14. At communion you go back for seconds.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Dear Dr. Moskowitz:

 I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile.  My reasons are
 numerous.  After being married for seven years and having had 8
 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are
 useless.

 After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. 
 Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I
 ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha.  Apart from that, where do you
 find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

 A doctor suggested the safe period.  At the time, we were living with
 the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the
 house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got
 pregnant.

 A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast
 feeding we would be all right.  Well, I finished up with clear skin,
 Silky Hair and was very healthy...but the wife got pregnant yet
 again.

 Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after
 intercourse this would prevent pregnancy.  She slipped a disk but
 still got pregnant again.

 I asked our local pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated
 them, so I bought a packet.  My wife became pregnant again, which did
 not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those
 things over your thumb could prevent babies.  We tried the coil next
 but that didn't work.  It had a left-hand screw and my wife is
 definitely a right-hand screw.

 The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got
 severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across
 the forehead.

 Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried
 it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.

 You must appreciate my problems.  If I can't have the operation I
 will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking
 about it is any substitute for the real thing.

 Yours sincerely,

 Stanley (Stash) Czymanski
+---------------------------------------------+
