6/11/98

[from Bill's Punch Line]

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his
better students, "Now if you were to  give someone an orange, how
would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No!  Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I  hereby give 
and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, 
rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said 
orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, 
and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, 
freeze and otherwise  eat, the same, or give the same away 
with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything 
herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds,
instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the 
contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel.  By Thomas C. Gutheil, M. D. based on a character 
by Grendel Briarton. Winner of a Feghoot contest sponsored by 
Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction in 1973]

Gold Standard (Feghoot)

When the Galactic Senate announced, in 2366, that all planets
would vote on whether or not to abandon the silver standard, no one
was as alarmed as W. J. Bryan Rothchield of New Comstock, a world
known as the financial hub of the universe. He at once summoned
Ferdinand Feghoot. "Please save me!" he wept. 'My financial empire is
based entirely on silver. If we go over to gold, I - who have 
arranged half the loans in the galaxy - will be ruined. My signature 
will never again appear on writ, contract, or even promissory note! 
Never will I have another occasion to write it. Oh, Ferdinand, it is 
too terrible to contemplate!" 

Feghoot agreed to assist him, and he spent weeks making speeches,
writing articles lobbying, and touring the back-planets. At the last
moment, he returned to watch the results in Rothchild's company. They
left no doubt as to his effectiveness. Gold was defeated by fourteen
to one. 

"Saved!" shouted Rothchild, hastily scribbling a check in six
figures. "Feghoot, I can hardly believe it - you have triumphed once
more!" 

"Hi-yo!" replied Feghoot as he took his departure. . . . "This
silver ballot means that the Lone Arranger writes again!' 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Beth Frantz, via UGA Humor List]

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,
multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a
tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without
shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and
his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant
seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the
next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What
are you looking at  old man... didn't you ever do anything wild when
you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was
young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and
had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Stebbins, via UGA Humor List]

MICROSOFT REDEFINES COMIC STRIPS!

Microsoft is at it again!  All my life, when I read comics, I thought
the "zzzz" in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping!
Boy, did I miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it
out!  All that wasted time!

With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the light
bulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the
light.  Now, I finally know what all those "sleeping" people in those
comics had on their minds!

If you want to see what I'm babbling about, start your Microsoft Word,
type in "zzzz" (4 z's without the quotes, of course) and hit the spell
check.  Now you too can be enlightened.

(For those without MicroSoft Word, the spell checker cannot find
"zzzz" and suggests "sex" as a replacement).
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Natasha, on Rehu]

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.  Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants.  I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home.  When they took it for a float
on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard
helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when
the raft is inflated.  They are no longer employed there.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As
an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide
pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the
paint counter."  One night a tentative female voice came over the
intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:  "I have a
customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth, on Rehu]

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of
the car.

After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice
that your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man ponders the question, then replies: "Officer, I couldn't help
but notice that your eyes are GLAZED. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Bjorn Swensen opened his mailbox to find a letter from a law
firm. Since the young man could not remember doing anything worthy of
a lawsuit and as he was too desperately poor to be worth suing, he
opened the envelope. Inside, he found notification that his Uncle Juan
had died, and the will mentioned Bjorn.

The will stipulated that if Bjorn changed his name and became old
Juan's namesake, he would inherit millions. The young man was
stymied. He was already named after an uncle who he loved and
respected.

Bjorn went to his loving girlfriend, and the two tried to decide what
was the moral, ethical and sane thing to do. Together, they went to a
judge to find out if a name change could be temporary, and discovered
it could. The young man decided he would temporarily become "Juan."

The judge officiated the name change, and that evening the young man
and his love went to dinner with her parents, whom he had never met.
She introduced the young man to her mother and father, who seemed
puzzled to be meeting "Juan," instead of the Bjorn they had heard so
much about.

"Don't worry," his girlfriend explained quickly. . . . "He was Bjorn
yesterday, and he'll be Bjorn again next week."

Her father replied, "Well, at least it was good that they made him
keep the name for a week I'd hate to think that there was . . . Juan
Bjorn every minute!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
dealing with a password solicitor

This is just the FIRST part of a very long chat log from
http://members.aol.com/chlaser/comedy/index.html
----------------------------------------------------
Oo BoNe oO: Welcome to AOL services. Due to a power outage, we have
lost all personal information, for the people who had AOL for less
then 2 weeks. Please respod with your Password. Sorry for the
inconvenience. AOL Staff.

Oo BoNe oO: Please respond with your Password. Thank You and enjoy
AOL's services.

CH Laser: Is that all you need? Just my password? [I decided to play
stupid for this guy]

Oo BoNe oO: Yes Please, you will get a letter in the mail that will
ask for the more personal information.

Oo BoNe oO: Just Password now to varify account.

CH Laser: oh, what personal information? do I need to get my computer
information books?

Oo BoNe oO: No, not now. Now just reply with your Password.

CH Laser: ok, well. i have a question. it says at the bottom of my im
"remember, AOL staff will never ask you for your password"... do I
still have to give it to you?

Oo BoNe oO: Yes the letter will say that you have gave your Password
to a AOL staff member and everything is safe. Just reply with your
Password now. Thank You. AOL

Oo BoNe oO: Hello? Please Respond so that we can varify it with our
Computers in the factory.

CH Laser: wait.. first i need proof that you are from AOL staff...
um.. are you just someone trying to get my password? if not, then ok

CH Laser: i'ma little confused

Oo BoNe oO: I am a AOL staff member, and i appriciate your concern.
Thank You!

CH Laser: oh alright then  [He thinks he can just SAY he's an AOL
staff member and therefore he is?]

CH Laser: hmm. i have it stored..

CH Laser: and i can't remember it

CH Laser: uh oh! is this bad?

[At this point I was invited to a private chat room with him, so being
the clueless little thing that I am...]

OnlineHost:

OnlineHost: *** You are in "PAREA". ***

OnlineHost:

CH Laser: I can't remember my password..

CH Laser: it starts with a "Q" ...

Oo BoNe oO: Ok, I will walk you threw the steps to get you password.

CH Laser: ok

Oo BoNe oO: Go up top to "members" then "Preferences" then tell me
when you

are there.

CH Laser: um..

CH Laser: oh

CH Laser: there it is

CH Laser: ok

Oo BoNe oO: r u there

CH Laser: yeah

Oo BoNe oO: Ok now click on "passwords"

CH Laser: alright...

Oo BoNe oO: Now erase the PW outof this Account

CH Laser: ok, done

Oo BoNe oO: now type in a new PW

Oo BoNe oO: And click on ok

Oo BoNe oO: and reply the PW to me

CH Laser: ok. wait. i don't understand soemthing

CH Laser: i am typing in my new PW

CH Laser: and all that comes up is *s

Oo BoNe oO: I know but, type in a new PW uum... type in "AOL Staff" as

your PW

Oo BoNe oO: and click on ok

CH Laser: can my new password be farfelnoogan?

CH Laser: Oh, i know what I can do

Oo BoNe oO: no it has to be 10 letters only.

Oo BoNe oO: 10 or less

************************
you get the idea.  The guy REALLY leads Oo BoNe oO all the way down
the path before reporting him for trying to solicit passwords.  Worth
reading the entire thing on the website.
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Elizabeth Davis, via UGA Humor List.  Yeah, I know they're 
dumb - the well is kinda dry today.....]

Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.

Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats?
A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream: "OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO!!!"

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly, there is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: Tarzans fridge is not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q. What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A. Optimistic!

Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A. Free Parking.

Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A. Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: It doesn't, you get down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the
hill? 
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on,
coming over the hill? 
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work then.
+---------------------------------------------+
[first one is from George Hughes, via UGA Humor List]

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted to be on the Bill Gates
Rifle Team. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle
and bullets.

He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the
target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The
tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the
rifle again, and then at the target again.

He put his finger over the end of  the rifle barrel and squeezed the
trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off,
whereupon he yelled toward the  target area,"It's leaving here just
fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
+-----------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dale Andrews]

It seems that Bill Gates anticipated Viagra's success, but also one of
its drawbacks.  With the childproof caps, you really need to be able
to follow directions to get it open. To learn more about the problem,
you need to be running Word 97 (or Word 98 if you're on a Mac).  In
Microsoft Word, follow these instructions:
	1.	Open a new document;
	2.	Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes);
	3.	Highlight the entire sentence you just typed; 
	4.	Click on Tools, then Thesaurus (or press shift-F7 as a shortcut).

NOTE: If you have Word, try it before reading the next part, as this
will spoil the surprise.  It suggests "Unable to have an erection".
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Barbara Scheele, on REHU]

Please don't be dismayed (even though it's June), despondent (even
if you have access to a body of water), or disgruntled (even if you
have access to a pig) by these additional contributions:   

A disbarred lawyer has been distorted.   

A household without sweets is discomfitted.   

The subject of a successful exorcism is dispirited.

A house without a fireplace has been dismantled.   

A glass without a straw is dissipated.   

A person who loses his Scandinavian citizenship may have been 
disdained.   

Until recently, a U.S. immigrant from across the Pacific would have 
been said to have been disoriented. (Nowadays he may merely have been
excoriated--but that doesn't count).   

Oedipus Rex was probably defeated. He should be grateful he wasn't 
also delegated. (And of course in the end he became excited, but that
doesn't count either.) 

Having your garden wiped out can be disastrous.   

An athlete who is thrown out of the winter Olympics may be
delusional.   

A diplomat who's been sent home under a cloud will probably remain
disconsolate. 

A lady whose skirt is badly pressed may feel depleted. 

A lady who loses her dress pumps may be dissuaded. 

A lady who has been robbed has been dispersed.   

A person who is good at insults is disqualified. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The Expert Witness 

"Now Dr. Freudlein, you have testified that you are an expert in
forensic psychiatry."

"That is correct."

"And that you are the author of several books on serial killers."

"Yes, sir." 

"What books on the subject have you written?" 

"'The Sociopathology of Serial Killers' and 'One Man's Meat, The
Story Of Hannibal Lector.'" 

"You conducted several interviews of the defendant, Jeffrey Dahlmer."

"Yes, I spent approximately sixteen hours interviewing him." 

"And you conducted several psychological tests on Mr. Dahlmer." 

"Yes, sir." 

"And what tests did you give him?" 

"The Thematic Apperception Test, The Rorschach Test, The Minnesota
Multiphasic Personality Inventory and the Milton Clinical Multiaxial
Inventory." 

"And on the basis of your experience in this field, your interviews
with Mr. Dahlmer and the tests you administered, you have come to
some conclusions about Mr. Dahlmer?" 

"That is correct." 

"Then Dr. Freudlein, would you give the court your impression of the
defendant, Jeffrey Dahlmer." 

"Sir, I'm a psychiatrist, not an entertainer. . . . I do not do
impressions." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny! To subscribe send a message to:  
majordomo@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu 
In the body write SUBSCRIBE FUNNIES ]

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and
need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the
farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be
delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as
soon  as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the
seats  on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding
area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to
the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to
you.

9. The best-looking person of the opposite sex on your flight is
never seated next to you - even if the guy at the check out counter
guaranteed you a "good" seat

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more
carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard. 
+---------------------------------------------+
A UNIX Analog of Desiderata (Max Ehrman, 1927)

(mainly as addressed to a network process)

Route placidly amid channel noise and network failures,
And remember what throughput there may be in executing all alone.

As far as possible, without overflowing buffer
Be on communicative terms with all processes.
Broadcast your data quietly and clearly
And listen(2) to others.
Even to the null and the unreachable,
They too have their requests.
Avoid long and argumentative sessions
They are burdensome to the ether.

If you compare your priority with others'
You may become vain or bitter
For always there will be greater and lesser processes than yourself.

Enjoy your CPUtime as well as your idletime.
Keep cognizance of your portmapper, however low-level
It is a constant port in the changing mappings of the network.

Exercise caution in your execution,
For the kernel is full of traps.
But let this not blind you to what swap space there is;
Many channels strive for high bandwidths, and everywhere
Computing is full of parallelism.

Be yourself.  (Check with getpid(2) frequently)
Especially do not forge NFS file handles.
Neither be cynical about sockets,
For in the face of all congestion and delays
They are as powerful as STREAMS.

Take kindly the influx of new requests,
Gracefully re-prioritizing the older ones.

Nurture support of check-points to rollback from sudden crashes
But do not thrash pages due to imagined pagefaults:
Many core dumps are born of bus error or segmentation faults.

Beyond a nominal consideration,
Be nice(1) to other processes.

You are a child in the kernel space
No less than the daemons and the device drivers,
You have a right to execute here.
And whether or not it is apparent to you
No doubt the kernel is crashing, though it shouldn't.

Therefore be at peace with your programmer
However geeky you think s/he is.
And wherever your read(2)'s and recvfrom(2)'s,
In the noisy communication channels of the network,
Keep a valid (void *) buf available in your address space.
With all its stopped jobs, missing arguments and broken pipes,
It is still a UNIX shell.

Be backward-compatible.
Strive to be up and running always.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from an anonymous contributor in South Africa]

 Dear Sirs

 NOTICE TO INCREASE TAX PAYMENTS

 The only thing that Mr Mandela has not yet taxed is your Ding Dong.

 This is due to the fact that 40% of the time is hanging around
 unemployed, 20% of the time is pissed off, 30% of the time is hard up
 and 10% of the time in the hole. On top of this it has two dependants
 and they are both nuts.

 On 1st March your Ding Dong will be taxed taxed according to its
 size. To determine your category, please insert this information on
 page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard IT12 tax form.

 10 - 12 inches		    Luxury Tax		    R 50-00
  8 -  10 inches		Pole Tax		    R 45-00
  6 -   8 inches		Privilege Tax		R 35-00
  4 -   6 inches		Nuisance Tax		R 25-00

 Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund, anyone exceeding 12
 inches must file under Capital gains. Please do not request for an
 extension.

 Yours Faithfully

 South African Revenue Services
 Inland Revenue 	
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

Today, I had to run an errand over at the College of Business 
Administration, here at Bowling Green State University.  When I got
there, I noted that the floor of some sections of the building was
being waxed.  Because of this, some classes, including several Legal
Studies (abbreviated LEGS) courses, would have to change locations
tonight.  I saw the following sign taped to the door of the classroom
across from the elevator:

DUE TO RECENT WAXING, BOTH SECTIONS OF DR. SUSAN MOTA'S LEGS WILL BE
HELD IN ROOM 112 TONIGHT.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from David Vasquez, via UGA Humor List]

This was an actual posting between some of our employees:

One said:
"Being a Mac user is like being a Navy SEAL: a small, elite group of
people with access to the most sophisticated technology in the world,
who everyone calls on to get the really tough jobs done quickly and
efficiently."

The other responded:
"Being a Mac user *is* like being a SEAL: a shrinking, endangered
group of animals that bark very loudly but are harmless, who are
economically valued only when they are dead."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Elizabeth Davis, via UGA Humor List]

Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet
God.

God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done
going around sucking blood & killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you
back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be re-incarnated
into any other living things of your choice.  So, what would you like
to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING
WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh."

"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals
until one day when he got killed by a farmer.  So up he went again to
meet God, feeling a lil'bit sheepish.

"I'll give you another chance", said God.  "I'll send you back again.

BUT not as a human or a bat.  What will it be this time?"

Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING
WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK,
if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.

So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until
one day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim.  So up he went again to
meet God, feeling stupid.

"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself.  BUT, this time you
cannot become a living thing.  You can only be turned into a
NON-LIVING THING of your choice.  So what will it be?" asked God.

Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a
NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"

"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING
WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD.

Dracula became a MAXI PAD.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT......

*The clumsy lens grinder? He fell into the lens grinding machine and
made a spectacle of himself. 

*The dry cleaner wanted to go an a date, but found he was too
pressed for time.

*The plumber did not understand it, but his love life seemed to be
going down the drain.

AND THEN THERE WAS THESE.......

*When asked how he was doing, the elevator operator said, "life has
its ups and downs."

*The glazier told his girlfriend, "I am putty in your hands..." And
then she framed him. It was such a pane.

*It was shocking... the old electrician seemed to get such a charge
out of his job.

*The cabinet makers wanted to form a union, but that action was 
always countered.

*The cement finishers union was going to go on strike, but all the
workers threw in the trowel.

*Old sailors never die, they just get a little dinghy.

*The square dancers were going to procrastinate, but they never 
got around to it.

*Why is the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder 
this diet is killing me....

*If psychics really know what the winning lottery numbers are, 
why are they still working?

*If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a
paradox?

*If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?

*If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a
parasites?

*If your first wife is Elle and then your second wife is also Elle,
and they both go shopping in different cars, will they always parallel
park?

*If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be
replaced by one paralegal?

*If you have twin sons who are percussionists, will they both be able
to paradiddle?

*If you are lazy two days in a row does that mean you have achieved
some kind of parallax?

*If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?

*If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is
that called a relax?

*If you visit the Pentagon in Washington D.C. for two days in a row is
that called repenting?

*Do two normal people make one paranormal?

*Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

*If you cook soup for your girl friend will she think you are a super
guy?

*Would you say that cats the purrrrrrrfect pet?

*I don't know a doggone thing about missing animals....

*Some people think I am naive and apathetic. I simply don't know what
they mean, and I really don't care.

*What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elephino!

*When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to
strain twice?

*My mother told me not to yell through the screen door.... she did not
want me to strain my voice.

*If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are 
positively negative?

*If the hijacker tells the pilot to fly the plane to Cuba and he
refuses, does that mean he is experiencing abject terror?

*You are unique.... just like everybody else.

*When the gas station attendant offers to top off my gas tank, I find
I am very tankful.

*When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is
reversing himself?

*When you come to the end of your rope, it is just the beginning...

*When Bach or Beethoven erased a manuscript to make changes, were they
decomposing?

*What did the Buddhist tell the hot dog vender? Make me one 
with everything....

*There is no prophet in atheism...

*Are two dice a paradise?

*If the African yak spins in circles till it gets dizzy, is that
called an afro-dizzy-yak?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Elizabeth Davis, via UGA Humor List] 

Airline Terminology

PASSENGER -
    A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually
    found in pairs or small groups.  Often will become
    vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified
    situations.  When frightened or confused these creatures
    collect into a group called a "line."  This "line" has
    no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient
    places.  Passengers are of four known species:
    Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus
    ignoramus.

PRE-BOARD -
    Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before
    departure.

VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -
    A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is
    coming off the flight.

NO-RECORD -
    Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

NON-REVENUE POSITION -
    Usually can be identified by the fact that these
    passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or
    flight attendant uniforms.  Non-revenue position are
    permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent
    revenue passengers from being able to pay first class
    passenger charges.

GROUP -
    A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling
    together.  The group leader, who has the tickets,
    usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board
    time of five minutes before departure, or until there
    are no seats left together, whichever occurs last.
    Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning
    seats to groups as this may convenience them.

SIGN -
    An airport decoration.  Usually unnoticed except by
    small children.  Its primary function is to hide the
    location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate
    numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

POSITION CLOSED -
    This is a sign posted at various counter locations,
    which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form
    line here."

BAGGAGE CLAIM -
    The most difficult area of the airport to find.  It
    is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage
    Claim Area."

CARRY ON BAG -
    An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow
    managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the
    inbound flight.  Regardless of what the passenger says
    the following are not acceptable as carry-on items:
    bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires,
    or wide screen projection TVs.

FLIGHT SCHEDULE -
    An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

ON-TIME -
    An obscure term, meaning unknown.

FOG -
    A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs
    around an airport while the surrounding areas are
    clear.  Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used
    to delay flights.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -
    A game played by airline pilots and air traffic
    controllers.  The game has no rules, and neither side
    knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent
    flights from arriving in time for passengers to make
    connecting flights.

TICKET AGENT -
    A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding
    ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities
    of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and
    and the tact of a diplomat.  They have mysterious abilities
    to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather
    phenomenon.  They are capable of answering three
    questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and
    without stuttering or choking on their tongue.  In later
    life they start carrying on mysterious conversations
    with themselves.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Lela Lowe, on Rehu]

           You Know You've Been On The Computer Too Long When...

- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

- When you are counting objects, you go '0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,
9, A, B, C, D...'.

- When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

- When your wife says 'If you don't turn off that damn machine and
come to bed, then I am going to divorce you|', you chastise her for
for omitting the 'else' clause.

- You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /

- When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to
the next page.

- When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up
the phone and start dialing an IP number.

- When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the
floor you want.

- When not only do you check your e-mail more often than your paper
mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal
one.

- When you look for an icon to double-click to open your bedroom
window. 

- When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're
doing the math in octal.

- When you look for a trash-can icon for throwing garbage.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Joe Hickman, via UGA Humor List]

Sunday is Father's Day, a day to honor dear old dad, if you can find 
him. Good places to look:

At the golf course, in the rough.

At the bank, cursing the automatic teller machine.

On top of the house, trying to nail the TV antenna to the chimney
before the game starts.

Under the car, watching the oil drip.

At the hardware store, bragging to a total stranger about his kids.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the folks on Rehu]

Speaking of William Shatner, Tuesday was the anniversary of the
airing of the final original episode of Star Trek, seen on NBC in
1969.  To commemorate the occasion, a wreath was placed on the tomb
of the Unknown Away Team Member.

Isn't there also going to be a collection of McCoy's "He's dead"
lines, such as:

It's Ensign Michelin.  He's tread, Jim.

It's Ensign Lenin.  He's Red, Jim.

For God's sake get off her!!  She's dead, Jim!! 

No she's not, she's British!

It's Ensign Pillsbury.  He's bread, Jim.

He's dead, Jim.  Kick him if you don't believe me.

113 grams, 10 milliliters . . . He's lead, Jim.

It's raining, it's pouring the old man is . . . dead, Jim.

It's Ensign Roger . . .  He's Fred, Jim.

It's Ensign Cotton. He's thread, Jim.

It's Ensign Mazola. He's spread, Jim.

It's Ensign Winter. He's sled, Jim.

It's Ensign Reeper _..He's grim, Jim
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

another one for Father's Day.....

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________  DATE OF
BIRTH______________

HEIGHT____________  WEIGHT_____________  IQ__________ 
GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________  DRIVERS LICENSE
#________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND
BADGES______________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________  CITY/STATE___________ 
ZIP_____

Do you have parents? ___Yes  ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married
_____________________________________

If less than your age, explain
_______________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

Do you own a van? _______________

A truck with oversized tires? _______________

A waterbed?_______________

A pickup with a mattress in the back?_______________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?
_______________

A tattoo?_______________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to
you?______________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

Church you attend
______________________________________________________

How often you attend
___________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

_____________________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

_____________________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

_____________________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

_____________________________________________________________________

What do you want to do IF you grow up?
_____________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years for
processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not
try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you
injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch
your back).
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. 
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working fine."

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. 
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." 
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." 
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." 
Customer: "What do you mean?" 
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." 
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this: 
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" 
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager 
icon." 
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- 
I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." 
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't 
believe it was meant to --" 
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe 
in icons." 
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of 
a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" 
Customer: [click]

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work." 
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" 
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dave Wigley, on Rehu]

 Mouse Balls

Some of the best humor is real-to-life.  This story was related to me
yesterday by the pastor himself (not a computer literate person by
his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from
the church secretary last week. 

Secretary:  Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you
met with the confirmation class last week.  Some of the boys in the
class started messing with the mice. 

Pastor:  What?!?!   {thinking: we've got mice in there????}

Secretary:  Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor:  {incredulously:}  Th..th...they did what??????   How in the
world did they do that? 

Secretary:  They must have used a screwdriver or something. 

Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys...   I... I... didn't even
realize mice had balls... 

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on 'em. 

Pastor: What??????  {still thinking of the little fury real animals}
Well...what can we do? 

Secretary: I guess we'll have to put 'em back on. 

Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!! 

Secretary: Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?! 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

A white lady on business arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting. 
She was very nervous and distressed about her safety and the danger
she felt lurked around every corner.  After checking in at the front
desk she headed to the elevator.

Upon arriving at the elevator there were already three black men on
it. She quickly debated with herself about the situation.  "This is
ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men, here in the middle
of a reputable hotel.  Ok, no problem, I'm going to ride this
elevator, etc...."

She then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the
three men and faced the door.  Shortly after the door closed, she
heard one of the men say, "Hit the floor, lady."

She immediately dropped to her stomach in terror.  Upon her quick dive
for the floor the 3 men broke out hysterically in laughter.  The man
after all, had simply meant for her to select the floor she wished to
go to. She was terribly shaken and embarrassed about the whole thing,
but tried to shake it off as she had several days of business to
attend to.

At the end of her stay she went to check out of the hotel and pay for
her room.  To her confusion the clerk informed her that her room had
been taken care of.  He then handed her a note and explained that it
had been left by the person who had picked up the tab for the room.

And the note said :"Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an
elevator!"
                   ...Eddie Murphy
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Jack Kolb, via UGA Humor List]

I don't know--and I don't care--if this is true {grin}

                          GOVERNMENT POLICY:
                            SNAKE ATTACK


 The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its
 volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle.  It tells what to do in
 case you are attacked by an anaconda.  Now an anaconda is the largest
 snake in the world.  It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it
 grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four
 hundred pounds at the maximum.  This is what the manual said:


  1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run.  The snake is
     faster than you are.

  2. Lie flat on the ground.  Put your arms tight against your
     sides, your legs tight against one another

  3. Tuck your chin in.

  4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

  5. Do not panic

  6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you
     from the feet and - always from the end.  Permit the snake to
     swallow your feet and ankles.  Do not panic

  7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body.  You
     must lie perfectly still.  This will take a long time.

  8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little
     movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very
     gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the
     edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards,
     severing the snake's head.

  9. Be sure you have your knife.

 10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

THE MOST SENSIBLE DIET EVER

Like any diet, this one too, requires that the dieter actually *wants*
to reduce weight.  Without self discipline and will power -- it just
won't work.

The diet is quite simple to begin, and is self regulating after the
first few weeks; so if you can stick to it for just a short time,
you'll find that you'll never need to worry about your weight again.

Step One:       
Get into the right frame of mind.  *PROMISE* yourself that you
*WILL* start this diet on a given date. Remind yourself daily about
the upcoming D-Day [Diet Day]. *IMAGINE*  yourself looking as sleek 
and slim as you want to be.

Step Two:       
Stop buying food.  I mean it.  Run down the contents of your larder,
fridge, and freezer to zero.  If there's nothing in them you can't
be tempted to lapse on impulse but must make a conscious effort to go
out and get something. (More on that later).  What's more, you'll
naturally start to eat less as you find that the only things left to
eat are the ones you don't really fancy.

Step Three:     
Don't even *think* about starting to cook a meal until you are
HUNGRY; not peckish, or fancy a nibble, or just because it's the
'proper' time of day to eat; but really HUNGRY.

Step Four:      
Now that you can *honestly* say that you are hungry, write out a
shopping list for _one_ meal ONLY.!!  Make sure that it's a meal that
will require preparation time and cooking time -- not just something
that is ready prepared and just needs heating.

Step Five:      
Go shopping.  While you are there, buy four/six cans or bottles of a
GOOD beer.  One with hops and stuff in it, not those chemical
atrocities that are so freely available.  AND LAY OFF THOSE SWEETIES
AT THE CHECKOUT. Put them back, go on, I'm watching!

Step Six:       
Put all the food in the larder, fridge etc.  Now take a look at all
the dishes you used for your last meal that you *should* have left
unwashed *ON PURPOSE* that are moldering away in the sink!

Step Seven:     
Decide that before you start the washing up, and then prepare the
food, and have to wait for it to cook; that you'll drink that beer
that you bought FIRST. Just to get you in the right frame of mind
for tackling the chore.

Step Eight:     
Go to bed after the beer, because you'll have decided that it just
ain't worth the effort -- and sleep it off.

Step Nine:      
Don't eat breakfast.  You probably won't feel like it anyway after
four cans of good beer on an empty stomach the night before.  Don't
take any aspirins either; that way you won't feel like having any
lunch.

Step Ten:       
If you *have* to have lunch; confine yourself to yukky sandwiches
from that shop round the corner -- not a three course meal in your
favourite pub/cafe.

Step Eleven:    
IF DAY = WEEKDAY THEN GOTO STEP 3


Special Note:   Weekends, are often more difficult to cope with.  A
good tip is to buy extra beer on your way home from work on Friday. 
Drink as much as you like AS LONG AS YOU DO IT BEFORE** shopping for
food.  That way, you'll also have the additional problem of having
to WALK to the shops -- because you should be in no fit condition to 
drive.

As soon as you get up on Saturday, drink any beer you've got left
over from the night before.  Sleep it off.

Get more beer, and repeat the above till the weekend is over.

Side Effects:   
You may notice that your consumption of beer rises during the first
couple of months.  Don't worry about it, it will settle down again
after that and become a simple matter of keeping yourself 'topped
up'. Slight feelings of sickness, irritability, and general lethargy
have been exhibited (in the early stages) by some converts to this
diet.  These too will dwindle as time goes by...

Some DON'TS:    
Don't give up coffee, cigarettes, or cream cakes; this would almost
certainly lead to general debilitation, and set you back on the path
to eating solids again.

At parties, either drink or eat, but DON'T do BOTH!

Don't tell everyone about this diet -- because if you do, there won't
be any fat bastards left to do all the work that you "don't really
feel like doing just at the moment"

Don't take medication while on this diet, drugs are OK but medicines
tend not be very effective.  Just remember to promise yourself to get
back on the diet as soon as you are well again.

Full details of this diet, including a good beer guide, easy-view
weight chart, combined can and bottle opener, special sick bucket
(with patented quick release airtight lid), and on line counseling,
are available [for the modest sum of 10UKP per week] from :

Richard <squeaky@pridge.uk.uk> 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

KEVORKIAN, INC.

DETROIT, MI (DPI) -- Dr. Jack Kevorkian today announced the formation
of Kevorkian, Inc., a new corporate entity which will aggressively
expand on the Doctor's original crusade of Physician-Assisted suicide.
 "The suicide war is won," declared Kevorkian.  "We are moving forward
with plans to market newer, more popular concepts which our market
research indicates are in great demand."  Among the new products:

Physician-Assisted Homicide (tm)  --  Will your spouse ever stop
nagging you?  Not to worry!  Visit a Kevorkian, Inc. sponsored
physician and shut their yap forever so you can live in dignity.

Physician-Assisted Larceny (tm). --  Damn, that SAAB 900 convertible
is hot!  But, it's so expensive!  How can you live your life with
dignity, not to mention do the nasty more than once a year if you
don't have a fine set of wheels like that?  The answer:  you can't. 
That's why Kevorkian, Inc. physicians will sedate the dealership
security guards while you make off with that hot red ride.  Don't
worry about anyone remembering you -- there are drugs for that, too!

Kevorkian, Inc. plans to develop a full line of horizontally and
vertically integrated Physician-Assisted (tm) products for the person
desiring to live in dignity.  The corporation will also be publicly
trades on the NYSE (KILLU).
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Junie Hoe, via UGA Humor List] 

Here are some supposedly true humorous statements by several airline
flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining.  Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins.  The head steward announced on the
intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system
that monitors the cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining
in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at
the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight
attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles
for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna
give us!"

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with
all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area.  Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants.  Please, do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a
very hard landing in Salt Lake City, one of the most bone jarring I've
experienced; The steward came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.  I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it
wasn't the flight attendants fault.......it was the asphalt!"

>From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt,
and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children, decide
now which one you love more.  Weather at our destination is 50
degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or
your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel.  written by Reginald Bretner using the penname 
Grendel Briarton.  "Dune" is a book written by Frank Herbert, which 
takes place on a planet called Dune that is mostly desert.]

Feghoot on Dune 

Oddly enough, it was neither to Duncan Idaho, nor to a Mentat, nor
even to his Bene Gesserit mother that Duke Paul Atreides unburdened
himself when things lay heavily on his spirit. On such occasions, he
invariably called on Ferdinand Feghoot, to whom he had been
introduced by Frank Herbert, a mutual acquaintance.

At the very moment of his triumph over the Imperium, the Desert Mouse
of the Fremen invited his friend to a top secret Bene Gesserit picnic
and clambake.

"Ferdinand," he said sadly, I should be rejoicing. Look what we have
accomplished. Consider what our world will be like in a few years.
Instead, melancholy overwhelms me. Look about you."

Feghoot did so.

"What you see is important-but far more important to me is what you
don't see. Birds, Feghoot-plain, squawking, Audubon Society earth
birds. Someday we'll import them by shiploads, but now we are
practically birdless." He sighed dismally.

"You are right, Maud'Dib," murmured Ferdinand Feghoot. . . . "What is
so rare as a jay in Dune?" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

Marketing Viagra... 

While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of 
Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department 
has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to 
augment its sales once all of the PR has died down.

While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an
important medication needed a theme song to help its long term
identity.

Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

1) I am a Rock
    - Paul Simon

2) Suddenly
    - B. Ocean

3) A Hard Days Night
    - The Beatles

4) Please Mr. Postman

5) Can't Buy Me Love (Now you can)
     - The Beatles

6) Do That To Me One More Time
     - Captain and Tenille

7) Everlasting Love
      - The Bee Gees

8) Take Me Out To The Ballgame

9) Let Your Love Flow
      - L. E. Williams

10) A Had Days Night
     - The Beatles

11) Longer 
     - Dan Fogelberg

12) No Ordinary Love
      - Sade

13) Help Me Make It Through the Night

14) Love Takes Time  (about an hour wait - according to Pfizer)
       - Mariah Carey

15) The Power of Love 
       - Celine Dion

16) The Things We Do For Love
       - 10CC

17) We've Only Just Begun
       - Paul Williams

18) Have You Never Been Mello
       - Kris Kristofferson

19) Girls Just Want To Have Fun
       - Cindy Lauper

20) When I'm 64
       - The Beatles

21) Ready for Love
       - Bad Company

22) Mother's Little Helper
       - Rolling Stones

23) Start me Up!
       - Rolling Stones

24) I just can't fight this feeling anymore
       - REO Speedwagon

25) Beat it!
       - Michael Jackson

26) Love Potion No. 9

27) Hunk of Burning Love
       - Elvis Presley
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth, on Rehu.  Attributed to "Nearly Housebroken" by 
Graham Burdekin]

Goldilocks:  How she made crime pay?

We all know the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears:  How
Goldilocks entered the Bears' house, ate their food, broke their
furniture and fell asleep.  When the Bears got home, she jumped out of
the window.

But what happened to Goldilocks afterward no one knew.

Now, after the usual careful research, I can reveal the startling
denouement. Papa Bear called the police who combed the area with
tracker dogs.  Goldilocks had taken refuge in another woodland cottage
and when police arrived, she tried to pass herself off as the
housekeeper, a Ms. S. White.  However, the owners of the cottage,
seven height-disadvantaged people, returned from work just then,
unmasked her as an impostor and discovered White bound and gagged in a
closet.

Goldilocks was arrested and charged with breaking and entering and
destruction of property.  But in a dramatic turnabout she sued the
Bears claiming she suffered emotional trauma from eating porridge that
was "too hot" and had injured her back in the Bears' dangerously
insubstantial furniture.  She also sued the Quaker Oats Company for
failing to put warning labels on their oatmeal boxes and the Rustic
Furniture Company for building a weak chair.

Papa Bear called Goldilocks' charges "a sensational fairy tale"
intended to distract from her crimes and disrupt his happy family.

However, in an exclusive interview with National Obscurer magazine,
Baby Bear said that all in the Bear family was not "just right".  He
claimed Papa was overbearing and abusive and said Goldilocks may have
been lured to the Bear dwelling by Papa, who was sick of living on
porridge and wanted to get his teeth into something more substantial.

Papa called Baby's story "an improbable fantasy" adding that they'd
obviously allowed Baby to watch too much TV.  Meanwhile, an unnamed
source close to Goldilocks implied the Bears' house was not the first
placed Goldilocks had "slept around".

At her trial Goldilocks was acquitted when the jury couldn't agree on
whether she had broken in or was enticed to enter the Bears' bungalow.
 A disgruntled prosecutor remarked that several men on the jury
"seemed more interested in Goldilocks' smile than the evidence."
Indeed, Goldilocks parlayed that sweet smile and her innocent good
looks into a lucrative contract with No Excuses jeans and a career in
movies.

Sadly, after several starring roles, drugs and alcohol abuse took
their toll and the offers dried up.  But after treatment at a rehab
clinic she wrote a book, "Goldilocks Comes Clean," in which she
recounted her troubles and explained the incident at the Bears' house
as "a youthful adventure gone wrong."

Her book received considerable publicity and eventually the aging,
though still attractive Goldilocks went on to publish several
best-selling diet and exercise books, eventually becoming host of a
popular afternoon talk show.

The Goldilocks case marked the beginning of a long slide for Baby
Bear. Estranged from his parents, he lived on the streets and joined a
street gang, the Fangs.  As part of an initiation rite, Baby attacked
the Grub family. But a passing police car interrupted the assault and
in the ensuing melee Baby was shot with a tranquilizer gun and woke up
tagged and behind bars.

Baby found prison too hard and became unpredictable and rambling.
Finally paroled, he ended up a deranged alley-dweller where he froze
to death one winter after being ignored by passers-by who thought he
was just hibernating.

Mama Bear divorced Papa two years after the Goldilocks' case, citing
irreconcilable differences. She moved to Arizona and remarried,
raising two new cubs and volunteering for school groups and local
charities.  The only uncomfortable reminder of her previous life
occurred when she ran into Goldilocks at a bookstore where Goldilocks
was signing autographs. Despite embarrassment, they chatted for
several minute and Goldilocks lift Mama with copy of her latest book,
"Goldilocks and the Three Beans Diet."

Papa Bear believed he had failed his family and became increasingly
withdrawn, a contributing factor to his divorce.  The an altercation
with a hunter ended with the hunter receiving a gunshot would to the
foot. The hunter sued, claiming Papa Bear assaulted him. Papa
countered that the hunter had been about to shoot him.  But the hunter
won a settlement of several million dollars.  Papa couldn't pay, slid
into debt and saw his cottage foreclosed by the bank.  He moved to a
remote town in Alaska where he was welcomed as something of a
celebrity.  He became a salmon fisherman and solid citizen, serving
two terms as mayor and later winning election to the state senate on a
law and order platform.

Along with Goldilocks and Mama Bear, he will receive royalties from
the forthcoming NBC mini-series, Goldilocks and the Three Bears:  An
American Tragedy.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Ivan]

Did you hear about the cat that ate yarn? 
She had mittens!! 

***** 
What do you call two recently married spiders? 
Newlywebs!! 

***** 
Why did the germ cross the microscope? 
To get to the other slide!! 

***** 
What kind of ants are the biggest? 
Giants!! 

***** 
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? 
Thunderware!! 

***** 
How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just come out with Microsoft Darkness!! 

***** 
Why do bees hum? 
Because they don't know the words!! 

***** 
What did the mother bee say to the baby bee? 
Just beehive yourself!! 

***** 
Where did King Aurthur go for entertainment? 
To a knightclub!! 

***** 
What lives at the bottom of the sea and shivers? 
A nervous wreck!! 

***** 
What happened after the manicurist married the dentist? 
They fought tooth and nail!! 

***** 
How do Arabs like to dance? 
Shiek to Shiek!! 

***** 
What has more lives than a cat? 
A frog, it croaks every night!! 

***** 
How does a bird land in an emergency? 
By sparrow chute!! 

***** 
Why did the policeman stay in bed? 
He was an undercover cop!! 

***** 
Why did the chef let mosquitos bite him? 
He wanted to make cookies from scratch!! 

***** 
What did the baby corn say to the mom corn? 
Where is my pop corn?!! 

***** 
What are goose bumps for? 
To keep geese from speeding!! 

***** 
What goes zzub, zzub, zzub? 
A bee flying backwards!! 

***** 
What do you call a horse with a temper?? 
A nightmare!! 

***** 
What do you call a bird who has been run over by a lawnmower? 
Shredded Tweet!! 

***** 
Where did General Patton put his armies? 
In his sleevies!! 

***** 
What is yellow and wears a mask? 
The Lone Lemon!! 

***** 
What do you get when you cross a steam shovel and a hot tamale? 
Hot diggity!! 

***** 
What do you call a chicken crossing the road? 
Poultry in motion!! 

***** 
What kind of nut sounds like a sneeze? 
A cashew!! 

***** 
What's green and sings? 
Elvis Parsley!! 

***** 
Child: mother, can I climb the tree in the backyard?" 
Mother: "Yes. But if you fall and break both legs, don't come running
to me." 

*****
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: Only one, but the bulb must want to change. 

*****
Just when you find out where it is at, some body moves it 

*****
It is true: the only time a windshield wiper works perfectly, is when
it's holding a ticket. 

*****
When in doubt, mumble. 

*****
Expenditures rise to meet incomes. 

***** 
Do you suppose a fish goes home and lies about the size of the bait he
stole? 

***** 
If they ever rob you of virtue, you will find it was an inside job.
+---------------------------------------------+
