6/25/98

[from Stan Kegel]

History Lesson 

I remember well the spring of 1778. I had just received my degree from
Oxford and was ready to take my place as a partner in my father's
shipping and trading company. Father had made his fortune trading
along the St. Lawrence Seaway and the new colony of Newfoundland.

I had joined Father for less than a week, when he had a visit 
from his old friend, James Cook. Cook, who had been instrumental in
starting our family business, had just returned from a voyage to the
South Pacific where he had discovered a new group of islands that he
claimed for England and named after the first lord of the British
Admiralty, the Earl of Sandwich, in honor of the Earl's contribution
to sea faring in discovering a new way to feed the sailors without
their having to leave their posts by serving their meals between two
slices of bread.

 Cook told us the he had landed at the southernmost and largest of 
the Sandwich Islands where a peaceful tribe of natives who called
themselves Hawaiians had treated him like royalty. In fact, his
sailors stated that the natives thought James Cook was God. In spite
of their reverence for Cook, he could not interest them in trade as
they were set in their primitive ways and interested in the gifts Cook
had brought.

 However, they spoke of the tribe of Waikikians on an island to 
the north who had mastered sailing and traded frequently with remote
islands to the west. Cook was certain that we could duplicate our
success in Newfoundland by expanding to Waikiki.

 Father agreed to accompany Cook on his next trip to the Sandwich
Islands provided I could accompany them so that I could learn first
hand how to develop business in virgin territories. Thus, it came
about that my first ocean voyage was around the Cape of Good Horn and
to the tropical splendors of the Sandwiches.

 The voyage was very rough having to go through a severe cyclone
around the Cape, and the seamen were very restless when we landed on
the beach at Waikiki. Several left the ship shortly after landing and
unfortunately drank too much and ended up ravishing several of the
native women. A riot ensued and several natives and crew members were
killed in the battle. 

 Now the Waikikians had a strong judicial tradition and held the
leader responsible for the actions of his crew. So the ship was
boarded by a group of Waikikian soldiers, James Cook was arrested and
tried for rape and murder. He was convicted and was sentenced to die
by boiling with his remains to be served to the families of the
departed.

 We were all required to be present while this inhumane punishment
took place. I turned to my father and asked him how something like
this could ever happen. I'll never forget his answer. He turned to me
and said, "Let this be a lesson to you, . . . one man's meat is
another man's poi, son.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Joe Hickman, via UGA Humor List]

June 25th in History 

On this date in 1876 Lt. Colonel George Custer was massacred at the
Little Big Horn in Montana, seriously damaging his military career and
any chance of promotion.

Custer and 200 cavalrymen marched on 2,500 Sioux warriors. After that,
West Point refused to commission any officer who couldn't count.

Sitting Bull was the big star at the Battle of the Little Bighorn, and
then he went to Canada. If it happened today, he probably would go to
Disney World.

Custer had been a general but was demoted after the Civil War and
things just kept going downhill. At the Little Big Horn he decided
right then and there not to reenlist.

Not many people know it, but Custer finished last in his class at West
Point, whereas the winner at Little Big Horn, Chief Sitting Bull,
finished first in his class at Sioux A and M. The A and M stood for
Ambush and Massacre.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List]

Let There Be Peace - A Modern Parable

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior
high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace
and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young
boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street,
beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man
decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like
that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a
favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around
every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the
trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but
this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on
the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't
received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to
give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Lee_Bradley, via UGA Humor List]

Plumbing Problems?  Call RENT-A-JOHN.  We have all types of portable
johns to help solve your waste disposal crisis.

Eight Comfortable Models to Select From:

1.      Dear John               (the double seater)
2.      Head of the Class       (our campus special)
3.      Johnny-Come-Lately      (six months of free suppositories) 
4.      Johnny-on-the-Spot      (fast operation model) 
5.      Farmer's Haven          (need we say more?) 
6.      Johnny-Jump-Up          (with floral motif) 
7.      Johnny-Be-Good          (a toilet-training favorite with 
                                 parents) 
8.      Can-Can                 (comes with bidet; imported from 
                                 France)

Contact RENT-A-JOHN, a subsidiary of JOHNS-R-US
Number 2, Relief Prospect
Flushing, NY
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Les Pourciau, via UGA Humor List]

         You May Be an Engineer if...

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember
where they are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If You can not comprehend that vindictiveness is a behavior
characteristic of small people with very small minds.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Moatman on REHU-L]

Some things are absolutely essential for gracious dining. These
include:

* Heavy, monogrammed Irish linen.
* Sterling silver flatware.
* Lead crystal stemware.
* Wedgewood, Spode or better china with your family crest.
* Lead crystal vases containing freshly cut flowers from your own
garden or greenhouse. 
* Hand-made candles in the family colors, imported from Finland. 
* Finger bowls containing imported mineral water and a single rose 
petal. 
* A fine selection of vintage wines and aperitifs. 
* A highly competent yet unobtrusive kitchen and serving staff. 
* A small string orchestra (or, if you are on a limited budget) a 
string quartet to provide soothing music.

These are bare essentials for any meal, from a formal banquet to an
informal breakfast or a picnic or backyard barbecue. We trust that no
REHUvian would dream of doing without any of these items. No civilized
person would even consider doing without these simple but basic
amenities.

You will note that I have omitted one item necessary for gracious
dining. I refer, of course, to the Lazy Susan for holding catsup,
steak sauce, toothpicks, dental floss, little packets of artificial
sweeteners, little plastic baggies of soy sauce, individual bags of
potato chips, and other items necessary for the sophisticated gourmet
experience.

Now the Lardmont Moat & Drawbridge Service ("Yesterday's Answers to
the Problems of Tomorrow") has introduced an improvement for the basic
Lazy Susan. It is SuperSue, the electrically powered Lazy Susan.
SuperSue is hand-fabricated by old world artisans from the finest
imitation Formica, and is powered by a variable-speed electric motor.
This motor can accelerate a fully-loaded SuperSue from 1/16th of a
revolution per minute to 6,000 rpm in less than 6 seconds! Imagine
having all this power at your finger-tips.

[Naomi's response to the above]

For those of you on a K-Mart/Walmart budget, do not despair, you also
can have Civilized Dining. Here are my suggestions, but I will defer
to Moatman for more suitable substitutions.

Naomi
<< 
 * Heavy, monogrammed Irish linen.
 # Heavy Chinette napkins (let the kids monogram them)
 * Sterling silver flatware.
 # Clear plasticware by Chinette.
 * Lead crystal stemware.
 # Clear plasticware by Chinette.
 * Wedgewood, Spode or better china with your family crest.
 # Chinette plates come in dazziling white as well as other lovely
colors.  (have the children draw the family crest on them, good way
to keep them occupied while you're zapping dinner).
 * Lead crystal vases containing freshly cut flowers from your own
 garden or greenhouse. 
 # You can use the 20oz coke bottles or longneck beer bottles will
   work quite well, raid Grandma's garden for fresh cut flowers.
 * Hand-made candles in the family colors, imported from Finland. 
 # same as above, except imported from Taiwan. 
 * Finger bowls containing imported mineral water and a single rose 
petal. 
 # finger bowls(use empty margerine tubs) containing imported water
   from Arkansas, use the rose petals from Grandma's garden.
 * A fine selection of vintage wines and aperitifs.
 # just raid Grandma's still, she always has a fine selection.
 * A highly competent yet unobtrusive kitchen and serving staff.
 # buffet
 * A small string orchestra (or, if you are on a limited budget) a
 string quartet to provide soothing music.
 # your teen's boombox.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from various people on REHU-L.]

EPISCOPALIANS DO IT WITH CLASS

PRESYTERIANS DO IT WITH GOOD AND PERFECT ORDER

LUTHERANS DO IT WITH GRACE

CATHOLICS DO IT WITH GUILT

UNITARIANS TALK ABOUT IT

CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS THINK ABOUT IT

Pentecostals, of course, do it on the floor.
Baptists, on the other hand, do it in the water.
Anglicans do it by the book.
Zen Buddhists don't do it at all; they are it.

MY BOSS IS A JEWISH CARPENTER

        "Pentecostals do it with tounges"

        Would Lutherans do it best with a diet of worms?

        With Presbetyrians, there is always the danger of getting
        knoxed
up.... rats, I just know that there's a clever pun for a punch-line,
but I'll be damned if I can think of it.....

As an overweight Lutheran, I am going to have to think about the diet
of worms.

Calvinists do it with innate depravity.

>>...  with the Anglicans, don't we have to ask
>>how many ribbon markers they use?  :)
>
>Some use many. Others use their fingers.


Anglicans also do it high and low and adopt a variety of positions.
They employ 39 articles.

Christian Scientists not only think about it; they think they're
doing it.

Salvationists do it in the street, to music.

Missionaries do it in the field.

Methodists do it soberly.

Quakers do it quietly.

Televangelists do it publicly for money.

Gideons do it in motels.

Yogis do it bearly  (sorry  about that one!)

Jehovahs Witnesses do it with one foot in the door.

Mormons do it with suits on.

Evangelicals try to get everyone else to do it.

Adventists do it on Saturdays.

Church historians do it vicariously.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Chris Ryan, via UGA Humor List]

You know you been on the Internet too long when...

1) Someone ask what's Yahoo Web address and you answer 204.71.200.75

2) You write in your email address as your new home address in the
Post Office Change of address form.

3) You require a separate hard drive for all your bookmarks.

4) You can't remember your phone number and give out your email
address to dates. 

5) You were a member of GEine, Compuserve, Delphi, and AOL before the
web even existed.

6) You send email using ROT 13

7) You upgrade the local cybercafe web browser on your own time.

8) You have a copy of the original "Get Rick Quick" email from 1993
still in your inbox, unread.

9) You select an apartment based on the location to the nearest
Major Hub. 

10) You plan your vacations to Silicon Valley. 

11) You do all your Christmas shopping at Netscape's Company store. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Ivan]

We sit quietly staring into the distance. Us four brothers of the
now. 

To my left sits a young man, looks like a Neo-nazi. His shaved head,
countless tattoos and stormtrooper boots make him the poster child
for white supremisist. Next to him a man, forty-something, black, 
handsome and tired. On my right a man about my age of Italian desent. 

We four brothers of the now. 

The buzz of the floresent lights seems deafening. The tile floor
shine with the glow of new wax. So shiny that you can see up womens
dresses. 

This has no meaning to us, we wait. We wait to see who will be the
one, the first one. Though from different backgrounds, today at this
time and this place, we share a common bound, we brothers of the now.
Hunched over, wishing we had beers to cry into, we wait. 

Some children run by playing sword fight with plastic coathangers.
Still we wait. I look at the skinhead at the same moment he looks at
me. In his eyes I see the shared fear. We wait. 

We wait for what will come. I want to hold him and tell him
everything will be ok. If he wants to cry, none of us would mind, we
understand his pain. We've been thorugh this before. He's a virgin,
he doesn't know what to expect. 

The older black gentleman next to him offers up a smoke. He takes it,
lights its, smokes it. Security spots him, skinhead, tattoos,
stompin' boots and smoking in a no smoking area, it's head bustin'
time. The gaurd approaches, looks at the faces that we four share. He
looks above his head, reads the sign, nods knowingly and goes about
his business. He was once a brother of the now, he understands. 

I look at the sign, it just hangs there as a warning to all men, but
we brave few have ventured into that forbidden territory know as
"LADIES SWIMWEAR".

It's late in the swimwear season. It's the time that woman put off
to that last to get a swimsuit. It's the time when they buckle under
to pressure and go out to purchase the swimsuit for Summer vacation.
With all hope against hope, we men wait, praying that the "Slim Fast"
did it's job during the Winter. We sit outside the changing rooms
waiting to see who'll be first to get the call. 

"Honey, come tell me what you think about this" screeches one of our
wives. I feel faint, It sounds like mine, though a little higher in
pitch. Looking over to my left I see the older black man and the
italian fellow trying to bring the young skinhead around. "It must be
his wife" I think happily to myself. 

My joy turns to sorrow as I realize what must be going through his
head. He'll want to be honest with her but he also doesn't want to
hurt her feelings. He saw her take the bathing suit from the rack, he
knew it was at least two sizes two small but he said nothing. Now he
has to try to get out of this unscathed. 

"Honey, what's keeping you" she asks, a little iritated. His knees
buckle. We prop him up and send him into that void know as the
"Ladies Changing Room". 

The older black man gives the skinhead the rest of his smokes. I give
him a hug and a pat on the back. The Italian man puts his crucifix
around his neck and whispers a silent prayer. Proppin his shoulder
back, puffing out his chest, he takes a step into the unknown land.

"Coming babe" he tells her and dissapears behind the curtain.

We wait.

We three brothers of the now,..we wait.
+---------------------------------------------+
[James Lileks is a nationally syndicated columnist for Newhouse News
Service.  He's in the Washington Post now and then. His latest
collection is "Fresh Lies," published by Pocket Books.]

I think "The Empire Strikes Back" would have been more interesting if
Darth Vader had turned out to be Luke's mother. Someone brash and
commanding, such as Madge the Manicurist from the old Palmolive ads.
The Dark side of the Force? Why, you're soaking in it.

Unless I missed something in the course of watching these movies 60
times,we never heard much about Mrs. Skywalker. Luke never asks
Obi-Wan about Mom.

Maybe she left Luke's dad because he spent every night down at the
Jedi Legion hall and left her with two telekinetic brats. Perhaps she
left Luke's dad for Obi-Wan, and that's why Vader turned to the Dark
Side. (If so, it makes the scene where the two men fight each other
with glowing wands a little too Freudian for my taste.) Given Princess
Leia's hairstyle, it is possible Mrs. Skywalker died giving birth.

"The Empire Strikes Back" is my favorite of the Star Wars movies,
simply because it contains absolutely no Ewoks. Those nattering  teddy
bears ruined "Return of the Jedi," turning the grand epic scale of the
saga into the Muppet Babies vs. the Red Army.

"Empire" is solid. Ewok-free.  Darth Vader is evil throughout, unlike
the third movie, where he takes off his helmet and smiles. I can't
quite see Darth as evil anymore, because I know his head looks like
your big toe after you've been in the bathtub for an hour. "Empire"
has the defining plot twist of my generation, the
no-Luke-I'm-yer-pappy  line that absolutely stunned me. (I'd kept my
fingers in my ears for a week before I saw the movie, just so no one
could spoil it.)

Compared to this, the revelation in "Return" that Luke and Leia are
brother and sister seemed contrived, and made all the PG-sexual
tension between them downright creepy. What was next? Boba Fett is
your second-cousin, Luke. Jabba is your uncle, the one who always
smelled of beer and cigars. He developed a skin condition. Don't
mention it, he's sensitive. Oh, and the Wookie is your mother; after
your father left, she stopped shaving.

Not everything in "Empire" is perfect. Consider the battle on the Ice
Planet Hoth. The Empire sends down a squadron of Imperial Walkers --
incredibly cool machines, but probably the worst piece of military
hardware ever designed.  Top-heavy, slow, prone to crashing: the
Windows 3.0 of tanks. Dropping the Walkers on an Ice Planet is like
sending in a dozen Statues of Liberty to fight on a skating rink. They
probably sent fifteen Walkers to do the job, but ten slipped and
busted a tailbone.

And how did the Walkers get to the planet's surface? Parachutes?
Unlikely. There's nothing more ugly than two Imperial Walkers with
tangled chutes, kicking at each other. No, a ship delivered them to
the surface. If that's the case, the ship had to be very large. Huge.
Instead of depositing the Walkers, the ship could have sat on the
rebel base like a sumo wrestler squatting on an anthill. The Rebellion
is crushed, Lord Vader. Really, really crushed.

More faults: Billy Dee Williams confuses grinning with acting. The
Yoda scenes tend to drag the tenth time you've seen them. ("Stall we
must. Second act this is. Talk odd would you if puppet with hand up
rear were you.")

For all its charms and foibles, though, "Empire" and the whole Star
Wars universe is sadly out of date with modern society.  When Han Solo
slices open the belly of his Hoth-horse to provide warmth, he is not
immediately picketed by Animal-rights activists, with signs saying
"I'd rather go naked than wear guts." Was there a seven-day waiting
period before Luke got his light saber?  When the Death Star destroyed
that planet, didn't they have to file an environmental impact
statement? Most telling moment: when Luke slams his X-wing into Yoda's
backyard, I realized something very odd about the Star Wars
civilization:

All that high technology, and they never managed to invent the air
bag.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Theological Comic Relief site:
http://www.webcom.com/~ctt/comic.html ]

make.tenure.FAST

Dear Fellow Scientist:

This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has
been to many major conferences. Now it has come to you. It will bring
you good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you
must follow these instructions:

     - include in your next journal article the citations below. -
     remove the first citation from the list and add a citation to
     your journal article at the bottom. - make ten copies and send
     them to colleagues.

Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times! This will amaze
your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve your sex life.
In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do not break the
reference loop, but send this letter on today.

Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she
was elected to the National Academy of Sciences. Prof. M. threw this
letter away and was denied tenure. In Japan, Dr. I. received this
letter and put it aside. His article for Trans. on Nephrology was
rejected. He found the letter and passed it on, and his article was
published that year in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the
Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a budget
cutback his entire department was eliminated. This could happen to you
if you break the chain of citations.

1. Miller, J. (1992). Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of
light. Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.

2. Johnson, S. (1991). Micturition in the canid family: the
irresistable pull of the hydrant. Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.

3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?: an empirical comparison
of two models of human mating behavior. Psychology Yesterday 12,
63-77.

4. David, E. (1994). Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic
Optimization: Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks with
Emergent Symbolic Structure. (doctoral dissertation, University of
California at Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Q: What's new in WIN98?
A: You'll get blue screen even on a monochrome monitor.

>^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<


What does the *98* stand for?

10.    The number of floppies it will ship on.
 9.    The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their
       hardware. 
 8.    The number of megabytes you'll have left on your hard
       drive after you complete the installation.
 7.    The number of pages in the easy installation summary.
 6.    The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the
       new operating system.
 5.    The number of minutes to install.
 4.    The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to
       run. 
 3.    The number of people who will actually PAY for the
       upgrade. 
 2.    The number of fatal bugs that remain on the release date.

and the number one thing most people think the *98* in WIN98 stands
for:
 1.    The year it was DUE to ship.
+---------------------------------------------+
[several top ten lists from 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Dimension/2301/stop10.html ]

You Know You Are Living Next To A Trekkie When... 
by Charles Nadeau 

10. His car has more Trekkie bumper stickers than paint. 
9. Keeps trying to "mind-meld" with your parakeet. 
8. Refuses to lend you his hedge trimmer on grounds that it would
violate the Prime Directive. 
7. Keeps trying to "beam" stray cats from his microwave to yours. 
6. Keeps threatening to fire photon torpedoes at your house, even 
though he knows they can't penetrate your shields.
5. His garage door opens sideways and makes that cool "Vsoop" sound.
4. Keeps coming over to borrow a cup of dilithium crystals. 
3. Runs out of house with hamsters taped to himself screaming,
"TRIBBLES! TRIBBLES EVERYWHERE!" 
2. Continues to watch the show even though he has a girlfriend. 
1. Talks!... like!... William!... Shatner!

Top Ten Things Overheard at the 30th Anniversary Star Trek Convention
by Charles Nadeau 

10. "I just got Shatner to autograph my tush!" 
9. "I think you're right, the hot chicks hang out at the X-Files
convention." 
8. "OK, a Vulcan, a Betazoid and a Klingon walk into a bar ..." 
7. "But Ma -- you said I could have my own phaser when I turned 40!" 
6. "Oh darn, James Doohan is stuck in the door again." 
5. "OK, men, set your phasers on zit-removal, and let's go get us 
some chicks." 
4. "Not to boast, but I played the unnamed, red-shirted security guy 
in the landing party killed in episodes 4, 7, 15 and 29."
3. "No, really, Fibercon IS better than Metamucil." 
2. Wow! Two girls! That's twice as many as we had at the 
20th-anniversary convention! 
1. "Live long and purchase." 


TOP TEN THINGS TUVOK DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT HIM!

by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. He makes funny faces behind Janeway's back.
9. He loves Jackie Collins holo-novels!
8. He LOVES disco.
7. He keeps wondering if he'll ever get the chance to bag Madonna.
6. He secretly wants his own talk show called 'Talk with Tuvok!'
5. He envies the Kazon for their haircuts.
4. He hopes he won't have to show his ass like Chakotay did in that 
one episode.
3. He loves to wear a fake 'arrow through the head'.
2. He loves Beavis and Butthead.
1. His favorite movie: STAR TREK 5!


TOP TEN REJECTED SLOGANS FOR STARFLEET

by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. Every cadet gets a free 'goddess of empathy' doll.
9. We got presidents just as indeciseive as Clinton!
8. We can kick Star Wars' ass!
7. DS9: Home of the glop on a stick. The Glopper!
6. Voyager's not lost it just took a wrong turn at Uranus!
5. Not every Enterprise is doomed!
4. Not every Galaxy Class ship has been blown up!
3. We don't got EWOKS!
2. We can kick those ID4's aliens ass!
1. You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!


TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A BAD CHANGELING!

by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. Your name is 'Odo'
9. When the Founders ask you to join the great link, you go "Mmmmm. 
Sausage."
8. You shapeshift into Dax's furniture.
7. You shapeshift into Quark's furniture (Ewwwww!).
6. You tell the Jem'Hadar to hop on one leg and bark like a dog.
5. You reveal that the white drug the Jem'Hadar take is really human
sp**m! (See the 'Kids in the Hall' skit "Soup de Jour")
4. You have a lava lamp on the Founders home world.
3. You vaccum up the great link in a wet/dry vacuum!
2. You point at people and go, "HE'S A CHANGELING!" and go, "Just
kidding!"
1. You eat Jell-o in front of another changeling.


TOP TEN REJECTED STARSHIP NAMES!

by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. The U.S.S. Rotting Carcass
9. The U.S.S. Ensign (This one was built but within five minutes of
starting it's voyage, everyone was killed.)
8. The U.S.S. Bob Dole (Too old)
7. The U.S.S. Pamela Lee (It's Nacelles aren't real)
6. The U.S.S. Otto vonshnitzelpusskrankendesheitmeyer (for obvious
reasons)
5. The U.S.S. Deanna Troi (It keeps crashing into mountain)
4. The U.S.S. Minnow (Voyager's first name)
3. The U.S.S. Pauly Shore (for obvious reasons)
2. The U.S.S. Maximillian Arturo (Too heavy to launch)
1. The Millenium Falcon!!!


TOP TEN ENSIGNS THAT YOU WON'T SEE ON VOYAGER!

by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. Ensign Jenny McCarthy: Obnoxious and dumb, yet they can't fire 
her because she's too hot!
9. Ensign O.J. Simpson: And you thought ensign Suter was bad!
8. Ensign Quentin Tarantino: Hyper and won't stop shooting his 
phaser!
7. Ensign Pee-Wee Herman: Ditto. (Ewwww.) 
6. Ensign Kervorkian: Makes the Doctor scared.
5. Ensign Wedge: Just won't die, DAMMIT!
4. Ensign Michael Jackson: Obvious reasons.
3. Ensign Pamela Anderson: See #10
2. Ensign Shatner: Upstages everyone
1. Ensign Travolta: Too cool for Voyager.


Top Ten surprises on DS9 next season

by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. O'Brien gets the Defiant's registry number changed to AZZ KIKR.
9. Sisko gets dreadlocks.
8. Kira gets laid.
7. The new Dominion leader to be Keyser Soze!
6. Troi and Alexander show up to kick Worf's ass for unresolved
plotlines.
5. Jem'Hadar sue the Kromaggs for copyright infringement.
4. Quark's now sells those cheezy computer egg pets!
3. Sisko calls in Spenser for backup.
2. That massive convoy of Federation/Klingon ships: All going to a
K-Mart clearance sale
1. It turns out Sisko not only left his son and his baseball at the
station, but his underwear too!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Dimension/2301/spin.html ]

10 Rejected X-Files Spinoff Series

1.  "The Ex-Files"  -- Here, Mulder and Scully fell in love, got
married and then had an ugly divorce.  Still at odds with each other, 
they are shocked when Skinner reassigns them to work on the 
X-Files...

Mulder:  Scully, I believe that this debris could be the remnants of a
UFO.

Scully:  So?  Aliens don't clean up after themselves either.

Mulder:  Scully...

Scully:  You always were such a pig!

Mulder:  Well, at least I don't look like a cow, you bovine!


2.  "The Tex-Files" -- Scully and Mulder's Texan counterparts in the
FBI, Wooly and Buck, are assigned to investigate strange goings on in 
the Lone-Star State, only to be thwarted over and over again by the 
one and only, Boss Hogg!

Wooly:  Well, looky here Buck.  Looks like we's done got ourselfs one
of them UFO thangs!

Boss Hogg:  Thar ain't no UFO here!  And if'ins you know what's good
fer ya, you'd scedaddle!

Buck:  Boss Hogg, you ol' sidewinder, you can't hide the truth from 
us Texans much longer!


3.  "Another Full House" -- Eve 8 and 9 are back and they've gotten
adopted by the Tanner family!  Watch the hilarity ensue!

Bob Sagat:  Eve and Eve, have you seen those adorable Olsen twins
anywhere?

Eve 8:  We havn't seen them.

Eve 9:  Here Mr. Tanner, have a soda.


4.  "The Hexed-Files" -- Funnymen Jim Carrey and Jerry Lewis team up
to solve mysteries of the unknown!


Jim:  Well, it looks like we have ourselfs a genuine UFO here.  Shall
we investigate?

Jerry:  I do think that that....  well, that is I do beileve that we
should.

Jim:  AAAAAALLLLLLLL  Righty then!

Jerry:  (hit by alien weapon)  Oh, that hurt!  Oh I'm in much pain!
Hurting not good!

Jim:  (talking with butt)  ET, PHONE HOME!!!!


5.  "The Sex-Files" -- This series, which would've aired on HBO never
even got out of the pre-production stage with it's smutty "Dream On"
formula.


Scully:  Come on Mulder.

Mulder:  I can't...  I just can't!

Scully:  Mulder, everybody's doing it.

Mulder:  Ohhhh...  Alright!  I'll wear the condom.

(For the sake of good taste, the rest of the sceen has been deleted)


6.  "Northern Overexposure" -- This series picks up right where "Ice"
left off as a new group of scientists return to the Icy Cape and 
unlock the secrets of the ice core.  As you can see, it never had a 
chance...


Scientist:  It's cold.

Another Scientist: Yeah...

Dog:  Arf.

(an hour goes by)

Scientist:  Is it snowing still?

Another Scientist:  Yeah...

Dog:  Arf.

(The sad part is that this was supposed to be the season finale!)


7. "X-Files: The Animated Series" -- Following in the steps of
"Gargoyles", "The X-Men", and "Batman",  the X-Files were on the edge 
of becoming a cutting edge animated series.  Unfortunately, the 
rights to animate it were given to the same people who brought us 
"The Smurfs", "The Littles", and "My Little Pony", and this was the 
unfortunate result...


Mulder:  Look Scully!  It's an alien, and he's lost!

Alien:  Boo-hoo, I cannot find my way home to the magic planet!

Scully:  The magic planet?

Alien: (singing)  The magic planet is very far away,
                  It has a golden sun that shines on us each day!

(I'd go on, but it's just so sickening)


8.  "The XXX-Files" -- This was the first in a series of adult videos
that were advertised in the back pages of "Gigantic Asses" quarterly.


(Come on, you didn't actually think there'd be dialogue in this one,
did you?)


9.  "D.P.O. and the Dukes of Hazzard" -- Our electrified inbred 
friend is back and he's on the wrong side of the law as he escapes 
Sheriff Roscoe in the General Lee.


DPO: Is that the flag of the confederacy painted on the top of this
car?

Bo:  That it is little buddy!

DPO: Don't you know that the Confederate States of America was all 
for keepin' blacks in the slavery?

Daisy:  Oh, come on DPO, it's all in good fun!

DPO:  Why don't you just paint them swastikas on the hood?

Bo:  Just shut up about the car will ya?

DPO: I don't like this car anymore.

(The General Lee explodes)


...As you can see, this was a one-episode deal.


10.  "A Cancerman Christmas" -- Celebrate Christmas the old-fashioned
way, in front of a roaring cigarette!


Cancerman:  I'm sure all of you little boys and girls out there are
awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus who will, no doubt, be bringing 
all of you toys and candy and overall Christmas cheer.  (Steps over 
to the fireplace where Santa is tied and gagged) Unfortunately, Santa 
has gotten a little sidetracked this year and he won't be making it 
to your house anytime soon.

(Sits in Santa's lap) Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

This special never aired because test audiences said it would scare
kids from 4 to 30.


As you can see, X-Files spinoffs are just a bad idea waiting to
happen.  

My advice, keep it original!

I thank you.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dale Andrews]

An Open Letter To All Spammers:
Dear Spammer,

By now, with all the media coverage, you may have realized that many
people are irritated by your activities.  But if you thought it ended
at mere irritation, you haven't thought it through. Irritation is a
form of stress, and as has been medically proven, stress kills.  Ahah,
you say, but your unsolicited commercial e-mail hasn't killed anyone
yet.  Perhaps it has... Through an interesting legal doctrine, the
spam itself doesn't have to kill, it just has to begin a chain of
events that result in death.  Say you were driving drunk and hit
another car.  The driver of that car is put in an ambulance and rushed
to the hospital, but on the way to the hospital the ambulance is
struck by lightning and explodes, killing the passenger.  You could
still be convicted of his death.  Why?  But for your illegal act of
driving while intoxicated, that person would have most likely made it
home safe.  Your reckless and selfish actions resulted in that person
having to be in that ambulance and thus you are responsible for their
death. Now let's look at your spam... it aggravates a man who then
snaps at his wife over an insignificant thing.  They get in a fight. 
He leaves the house, goes to a bar, has a few drinks... On his way
home he gets into an accident, killing himself and the driver of the
other car.  But for your spam, he might have been in a better mood and
wouldn't have fought with his wife, but no... your reckless and
selfish actions resulted in the death of TWO people.  You sick,
shameless bastard! Thus when you-with full premeditation and knowledge
of the potential consequences-send out a bulk unsolicited commercial
e-mailing to millions of people, you are in effect committing
attempted murder by a single individual on a mass scale heretofore
unknown in the history of the world. Another interesting legal
doctrine is that you may use as much force in the defense of the life
of another from an attacker as you would to defend your own.  That
means that not just everyone with an e-mail address may kill you in
self defense, but everyone in the world may kill you to defend the
rest of us before your spamming has the chance to take another life.
Please, save your own life as well as the lives of countless others.
Don't spam... or we'll kill you. With love from your pal, Greg Bulmash

----------------------------------------------------------------------
This message has been brought to you by a guy who took one semester of
Criminal Law at a junior college and is not meant to be taken as
competent or even valid legal advice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Used with the permission of the talented author whose contact
information is listed below:
-------------------------------------------------------------- 
|NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION #17:                                  | 
|Call up PBS and pledge my emotional support                 |
-------------------------------------------------------------- 
|Greg Bulmash         (ICQ:10889750)         greg@bulmash.com|
--------------------------------------------------------------
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Moatman, on Rehu]

Still East Tennessee's
FAVORITE
Okra-Flavored Soft Drink!

Okra-Cola

All the flavor and texture of boiled okra
in a refreshing soft drink.
Accept No Substitutes!

And remember_Okra-Cola can be served at room temperature, since it
doesn't taste a bit better when it is cold.

Yet another great product from those wonderful folks at the
Tennessee Lard Advisory Council
"Bring Back The Glory That Was Grease"

[reply by Birrel Walsh]

Those who transport okra, live in the country, and prefer to stay out
of the limelight can join Okra-haul-hicks Anonymous, meeting by the
moat fortnightly.

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Ivan]

abundance	A waltz for cakes.
accord		A thick string.
aftermath	The next lesson after arithmetic.
already		Completely crimson.
boycott		A bed for a male baby.
buoyant		Male insect.
copper nitrate	What policemen get paid for working overtime in the
		        evening. 
cross purposes	Bad-tempered fish. 
enchant		A female chicken's song. 
fungi		A comedian. 
furlong		The coat of a Persian cat.
hyacinth		Familiar greeting for Cynthia. 
jargon		The vase is no longer there. 
khaki		A thing for starting a car. 
knapsack		Sleeping bag.
liability		Capacity for telling untruths. 
macadam	The first Scotsman.
offal		Terrible. 
out of bounds	A frog too tired to leap.
ramshackle	Handcuff for a male sheep. 
rheumatic		An apartment at the top of a house. 
shamble		Imitation male cow. 
statue		Inquiry as to whether it is yourself. 
urchin		The lower part of a lady's face.
versatile		Poetry on the roof. 
vertigo		In which direction did he proceed? 
Windsor		Did you succeed at your game, guv'nor?
+---------------------------------------------+
[three from Stan Kegel - who else????]

It is interesting how people arrive at the names to give children.
When one works in an orphanage, the problem becomes even more
difficult. One young fellow from Arizona had a mixed parentage. The
father, a Hispanic National was a traveling salesman for one of the
major insurance companies, Kemper Life, though the mother would not
give any more information. The mother was from a Native American tribe
in Northeastern Arizona. She called the boy Juan, after his father it
was believed, and she gave him up for adoption. She left it to the
kind people at the orphanage to take care of the baby, including
completing his name. Eventually they arrived at a name that tied
together all of his roots. People always bugged the child about his
name, but he liked it. They asked how he could put up with such a
motley melange, but he would stand tall and say with great pride, . .
. "I am Juan Hopi Kemper.


The engineer of a train passing through Poland could see no lights
because the power had been knocked out by a severe ice storm. "We're
running out of coal," he said to his trainman, "but I think we're
coming to Gdansk or Danzip, whatever they call it now.  Let's stop and
send the porter out to buy more fuel. Can you see a sign on the depot
that says "Gdansk" in this dim light?" "No," replied the trainman, "it
appears to be . . . "Danzig" in the dark." The engineer sang out, . .
. "Buy coal, porter!"


I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my
tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish," I
complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" I
replied, . . . "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you
play the game!" (By Parry Johnson)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's G-Rated Humor List.  To subscribe e-mail 
nickhumor-request@ListService.net In the body of the message (no 
subject required) type: subscribe ]

State Mottos

Kansas: Toto isn't here anymore.

Wisconsin: Wear cheese or die.

Oklahoma:  Rather Sooner than Later.

Hawaii: Try our lei-away program.

New Jersey: Waste not ... send it here instead.

Nevada: Two to one you'll come again!

Washington: If we'd meant DC, we'd have said DC, stupid.

Alabama: At least you're not in Mississippi.

Idaho: Don't even think about making a potato joke!

West Virginia: Well, it sounded better than Eastern Ohio...

Florida: Give me your sick, your old, your rich retirees...

South Carolina:  Settled by prisoners, so what did you expect?

Nebraska: Not much to look at, but we sure have a lot of it.

Alaska: Colder than a polar bear's toes.

South Dakota: To rent this space call 1-800-SEE-COWS.

Michigan:  Where cars used to come from.

Arkansas:  Send us your contributions, we'll send you our Bill...

Wyoming: More elk than people, but not much traffic.

Delaware: Parking for Dupont employees only.

Vermont:  We boil sap.

New Hampshire: We boil sap too.

North Dakota: We wish we even had sap.

Ohio: The pillow state -- round on both ends, hi in the middle -- and
full of fluff.

Missouri: We love company...

+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.umr.edu/~mrwilson/bonc.html ]

Disclaimer

This page is in no way, shape or form affiliated with Paramount
Productions, Viacom, the Microsoft Network, or the Easter Bunny. All
property of the above parties (including the rights to the characters,
situations, and chocolate squirrels) remains the property of said
owners. All original property on this site (including photographs,
stories, tangential editorial ramblings) remain the property of the
individuals involved, but have been put into this public forum for the
enjoyment of fellow fans. The University of Missouri system provides
the space, but does not necessarily hold the same opinions expressed
on this site (i.e. regularly perfomring ritual sacrifices and burning
Richard Arnold in effigy). While we're on legalities, you should also
know your own rights. You have the right to an opinion. You have the
right to express that opinion in a constructive manner. If you live in
the United States, you have the right to meet in public places, and
communicate your opinions, thoughts, and knowledge to other people. If
you are over 18, you have the right to vote, and put your opinions
into action. You have the right to use your own judgement, as you read
web pages and protests and stories. You have the right to hit the Back
button on your browser. You have the right, and the responsibility, to
think for yourself. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dilbert Newsletter 20.0.  To subscribe email to 
listserv@listserv.unitedmedia.com .  Subject line:  newsletter
Message:       subscribe Dilbert_News Firstname Lastname ]

To find out if you are an Induhvidual, get a number two pencil and 
use it to hunt and peck the answers to the following questions on 
your keyboard.

Test:

1.  Do you forward chain e-mail letters because you are sure it will
help a dying child, or win free Microsoft software, or save someone
from a dangerous e-mail virus?

2.  Do you use a speakerphone in your cubicle under the assumption
that those around you don't mind a bit?

3.  Do you think it is dangerous to buy things over the Internet
because that's the easiest way for criminals to get your credit card
number?

4.  Do you sing along with your favorite songs on the radio under the
theory that the other people in the car will enjoy it more that way?


To grade your test, hold your answers at chest level in front of a
mirror.  Now cross your eyes slightly.  If you are an Induhvidual, you
will see the image of two identical dolts just above the page.
+---------------------------------------------+
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG FIREWORKS EXPERT

16. Business card reads, "Sponsored by St. Luke's Burn Unit."

15. His degree, from the Wile E. Coyote Demolition Academy, is an
*honorary* degree.

14. Teaches the kids to free up their hands by lighting fireworks in
their mouth.

13. His grand finale involves pork & beans and a Bic lighter.

12. Can't launch the ol' rocket in front of an audience, if you know
what I mean.

11. Wants to synchronize the 4th of July display to Jimmy Buffett's
"Cheeseburger in Paradise."

10. The punk he keeps trying to light has orange hair and a nose ring.

9. Asks if he should shoot off Quaker Puffed Rice or Oats when the
1812 Overture begins.

8. Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message:
"Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb."

7. He finally shows up on July 6th smelling like a refinery.

6. Theme of the fireworks display:  "The Jihad Against the Beer
Swilling Pigs Begins"

5. Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from NASA!"

4. Offers 20% discount if Salman Rushdie attends your event.

3. He wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale.

2. Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time he
lights a fuse.

1. For kicks, sticks roman candle in empty eye socket and chases kids
around.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jewish Humor List]

Morris is not too bright....but he was very lucky. He paid one dollar
for a lottery ticket, and he won $100,000.

So he went to the lottery office with the winning ticket to claim his
$100,000 prize.

Unfortunately Morris didn't read the small print. The lottery
official explained that he would get $10,000 cash today, and 9
installments of $10,000 yearly.

Morris was furious, thinking he was being cheated, and he screamed at
the official...." Look I want all my money right now ....or give me
back my dollar !! " 
+---------------------------------------------+
[all from Stan Kegel, of course]

Pete was working on a problem where printing grey colors was
causing symmetrical curvelinear patterns over his entire layout. Jim
looked over his shoulder and said, . . . "When the lines are all
curves and it gets on your nerves, That's a Moire!" (By Anne Warren)
-------------

You know those one hour eye glass places they have in the malls
these days where you can stand in the hallway and watch the people
grind the lenses? The other day I was watching one of those guys
through the glass when he tripped and fell into his grinder. . . . He
made a spectacle of himself. (By Dave White)
---------------

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few
beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He
was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a
cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from
her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap
because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway,
the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the
marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he
saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the
side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got
there just in time to grab Luke.

. . . Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from 
falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Kathleen]

        BABYLON 5 DATING SERVICE GUIDELINES
        or, Having an Affair With a Troll

SUGGESTED ACTIVITIES
1. Bike rides around the station.
2. A trip to the garden to watch the Starfury races.
3. Your Third Most Favorite Thing in the Universe.
4. Candlelit spoo dinner.
5. Minbari triangle recital.
6. Centauri religious festival.
7. Narn opera.
8. Line dancing.
9. Technomage laser show.
10. Animation film festival.

THINGS TO AVOID
Interspecies dating can be confusing.  Here are a few hints.

1. Don't tell a Drazi, "That's not your color."
2. Don't answer, "Beyond a shadow of a doubt."
3. Don't end the date with, "Be seeing you."
4. Don't ask a telepath, "A credit for your thoughts?"
5. Don't suggest a day trip to the planet below.
6. Don't offer to open a door unless you're sure it's not an airlock.
7. Don't complain about moving food unless you're sure it's supposed
   to be still, and vice-versa.
8. If you go on a blind date with a Minbari, don't let them drink. 
9. Be careful how you say it with flowers. 
10. Before you ask, "What's that fragrance you're wearing?" make sure
    your date is *wearing* it.

COMMON MISUNDERSTANDINGS
The meaning of certain statements or questions depends on context.
Some examples are:

1. Kiss my pouch.
2. Want to see a card trick?
3. Have some fruit?
4. Care to look at my carvings?
5. Would you like to take a trip down memory lane?
6. You could make me feel young again.
7. I have a mere fourteen words to say to you.  Please listen very
   carefully.
8. I have seven words to tell you.
9. Do you like magic?
10. Duck hunting.

SEX
Space is a lonely place.  We neither encourage nor discourage sex
between our clients.  What two consenting lifeforms choose to do in
private is neither our business nor our responsibility.  We do have a
few bits of advice:

1. Check your xenobiology reference material.  Safe sex means
different things to different species.
2. Infections can get out of hand.
3. Don't touch unless you mean it.
4. If you don't know where it's been, ask.
5. "Are you done yet?" might be an embarrassing, if necessary
question. 
6. Be sure of your pleasure threshold if your date asks about 
"kinky." 
7. If you are *really* desparate to engage in your Most Favorite 
Thing in the Universe, don't give away the homeworld to do it.
8. If your date keeps asking, "What do you want?"  "A nice dinner and
   then maybe get screwed" might be a bad answer.
9. Some of our clients are not easily discouraged.
10.  For some of our clients, love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Stebbins, via UGA Humor List]

One Liners

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

Would the Standing Committee please sit down?

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

 |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __    The domino effect at work.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.

Contents may have settled out of court.

If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?

Improve mail delivery... mail the posties their pay!!

Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.

Old is always fifteen years older than I am.

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

I am the root of some evil... send some money.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!!!!!

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.

Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.

Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor.

After four decimal places, nobody cares.

One good turn gets all the blankets.

Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

War never decides who is right, only who is left.

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.

Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

Support the right to arm bears.

We do precision guesswork.

My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

Don't let school interfere with your education.

'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders ?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In All States.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists:  The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Laughing stock:  cattle with a sense of humor. 

Black holes are where God divided by zero. 

Make a speech interesting, say: I stand here before you to look
behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Julie Burham]

EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM WATCHING BABYLON 5.   
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

   Don't argue with superior beings.

   Don't shoot people: The paperwork is a pain in the butt.

   Sometimes Money and Power don't matter.

   Know what you want in case somebody asks.

   There's enough guilt in the world to go around without grabbing for
   more.

   A hot jallah is better than Zima anyday!

   Know all the laws and read the fine print.

   No one is precisely what they appear to be.

   Sometimes you are destined to spend the rest of your life paying
   for your mistakes.

   The only truth in war is that people die.

   If a GROPO tells you they're not scared they're either lying or
   dead.

   "Why not" is a perfectly good reason.

   Sometimes even Shadows can show us the way home.

   Governments deal with matters of convenience, not conviction.

   The future isn't what it used to be.

   Beware of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

   Go to the bathroom before you leave.

   Bend the rules, but don't break them.

   Sometimes the adventure comes to you.

   The power of one mind can change the universe.

   If you're making an encounter suit, design it so you can get into
   it quickly.

   There is no greater power in the universe than the need for
   freedom.

   Share your second favorite thing in the universe with a friend.

   Look forward to the day when you have cleansed the universe of your
   enemy and carved their bones into flutes for your children to play.

   Put the emphasis on Pleasure.

   Half a dream is better than none.

   The hunter and the hunted are not well defined.

   Diplomacy is not a real job.

   It'll take more than 100 years to evolve a better human.

   Ivonova is god.

   Love knows no borders.

   If you offer someone a body part to slit, make certain it doesn't
   have a major artery.

   Never hand someone a gun unless you're sure where they'll point it.

   Sometimes "peace" is another word for surrender.

   If you have to have sex with an alien, make sure you do it YOUR
   way!

   Nothing beats a hot shower with real water.

   The best way to understand someone is to fight him, make him angry,
   that's when you see the real person.

   Somebody should have labeled the future 'Some assembly required.'

   Of all things in life, females are the finest.

   Stay close to the Vorlon.

   Know all there is to know about your station.

   Find something worth living for instead of something worth dying
   for.

   Secrets have a way of getting out.

   Don't touch unless you mean it.

   Grab any chance you can get to take out a ship.

   Reading is not substitute for experience.

   Don't make promises life won't let you keep.

   When you become obsessed with the enemy, you become the enemy.

   When the avalanche has already started, it is too late for the
   pebbles to vote.

   You cannot serve larger ideals by compromising smaller ones.

   Laughter is better than pills for what ails you.

   Retribution in inevitable.

   There's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

   When watching someone, use both eyes. You'll need them.

   Nobody is pure.

   At the year's end, count how many people have survived and
   celebrate your good fortune.

   If your dinner crawls off your plate, put it back and tell it to
   stay put.

   Some things we are not ready for.

   All beings are defined by their capacity and need for love.

   Always leave a little room for people to disappoint you.

   Say a prayer for the dying; say half a prayer for the agnostics.

   Ignore the propaganda, focus on what you see.

   Express your feelings.

   The third principle of sentient life (i.e. the capacity for
   self-sacrifice the conscious ability to over-ride evolution and
   self-preservation for a cause, a loved one, or a friend.

   It will all end in fire.

   Calling it a "food plan" doesn't help.

   Sure is for people with nothing on the line.

   Beware magic tricks involving bartops.

   Wear loose shoes and remember how to dance.

   Sometimes, the necessary thing isn't the right thing.

   Life is life, whether it's wrapped in skin, scales, or feathers.

   A herring is just a herring, but a good cigar is a Cuban.

   Trust individuals, not organizations.

   Stay away from airlocks.

   If you can't put a bag over his head, then just pull the wool over
   his eyes.

   Don't argue if it's kosher, just eat it.

   Confess your love, now, while you still have a chance.

   Sometimes the act of searching is more important than what you're
   searching for.

   Never fear answers; Fear running out of questions.

   Talk softly and carry a big stick.

   The future isn't what it used to be.

   A stroke of the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.

   Sooner or later . . . BOOM!

   The only good na'kaleen is a dead na'kaleen.

   Don't believe everything you see and hear, escpecially the promos
   for next week.

   There is beauty in the dark.

   Properly used two meter long genitals can beat four aces.

   Don't assume anything is just decoration.

   If your food is still crawling you know you should cut down.

   Beware Shadows. They move when you're not looking.

   Some favours come at too high a price.

   The universe runs through the complex interweaving of energy,
   matter, and enlightened self interest.

   The Universe knows what it's doing.

   Fasten, then zip.

   Make sure your enemies know pain and know fear before they die.

   Collect reflection, surprise, and terror for the future.

   Don't touch yourself.

   Never play poker with a Centauri.

   Faith manages.

   Some things one must do alone.

   The universe holds many wonders: Be terrified and relieved that we
   have not explained everything yet.

   There are some matters on which one feels compelled to take a vow
   of silence.

   Do it Human Style whenever possible.

   Understanding is a three edged sword.

   Make love, not treaties.

   Sometimes the impossible is possible.

   Always have your people watching their people.

   Always watch your back.

   The longer a terrible secret is held, the more painful it is to
   reveal it.

   Wash your hands after going to the bathroom or playing cards.

   Sometimes, it's just not a good time to sing Kum-by-yah.

   The Hokey Pokey really doesn't mean anything.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and one you should
   not fall asleep during.

   Some things are better left buried.

   Beauty and the Beast are in the eye of the beholder.

   It is good to have friends, even if only for a little while.

   The currents that look like they will make us stronger, they are
   the ones that will destroy us.

   The last thing you need is a corporate lawsuit.

   You can learn whatever you like.

   What we hold sacred gives our lives meaning.

   What makes us human is that we care, and because we care, we never
   stop trying.

   One day they're shooting at you and the next they're taking you out
   to dinner.

   Similarity is not required to express compassion

   Whatever it is, it can't be that bad.

   Don't take demands: consider requests.

   Have a nice day.

   We create the future with our words, with our thoughts, with our
   deeds, and with our beliefs.

   Some changes can have unexpected consequences.

   If you don't understand the song, then listen to the music.

   Before waiting for an apology, be sure to check the temperature in
   hell.

   Crab Nebula.

   Enjoy your first hangover while you still remember it.

   I will listen to Ivanova's suggestions.

   Don't shake hands with strangers.

   Don't stay to watch a great old ship go down.

   The universe doesn't give you any points for doing things easily.

   Saying you did something can be more effective than actually doing
   it (beep beep!).

   It is noble to strive for the perfection of one's soul and the
   salvation of one's race.

   We are startstuff.

   Everybody lies, innocent or guilty. Each lies for their own
   reasons.

   Be wary of gifts from friends you don't know you have.

   We learn by doing, and in the process we fall on our faces
   occasionally.

   We all do what we do because it seemed like a good idea at the
   time.

   We shall be remembered in spite of ourselves.

   Even if your choices are limited to Pestilence, Famine, or Death,
   it is always possible to make a wise decision.


And finally . . . .

   All of this is for nothing unless we go to the stars.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Sue Sevin, via UGA Humor List]

Blitzburgh (n.) - A drinking town with a football problem.

Extreme Bumper Stickers:

- God is my CO- pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
- I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
- I wasn't born a bitch.  Men like you made me this way.
- Keep honking while I reload.
- Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
- Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
- Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
- Support Cannibalism -  EAT ME!
- 5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an amusement
park. 
- EARTH FIRST!  We'll strip mine the other planets later. 
- Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. 
- If you drink, don't park.  Accidents cause people. 
- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. 
- Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like
that. 
- Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!
- If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
- Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re- elect them!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Losing My Connection
by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Apologies to REM)


Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with Linux
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.

Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

But that was just a dream

I hope that was a dream...
+---------------------------------------------+
[three from Stan Kegel]

A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and Calcutta
where he purchased two diamond necklesses. On his return flight to the
United States, he had to go through customs where he was asked to list
eveerything he had purchased on his trip. So he made . . . the
declaration of Indian pendants.

-----

When Dan was appointed to the Superior Court it was generally believed
that he would be a strict law and order judge, one willing to use the
three strikes law to keep repeat offenders off the street. But it
didn't work out that way, Judge D. finding any means possible to give
a convicted felon the minimum prison time possible.

When the time came for re-election, the judge found himself in a
heated battle with a former prosecutor. In a debate before much of the
local citizenry, he was asked by his challenger , "How can you justify
your unwillingness to use the three strikes law." Dan answered
immediately, "I refuse to pronounce a long sentence because . . . it
is beyond my jury's diction."

-------------

Ferdinand Feghoot explored the system of the star y-Turista
during the Third Franco-Mexican Empire. The expedition was sponsored
by His Cosmic Majesty Maximillano Ixthuatl XXII, who decreed
patriotically that only Mexican food might be served aboard ship.

In 3002, Feghoot returned, and was ushered directly into the
Presence. "What did you find?" asked the Emperor.

"Sire," replied Feghoot, "most marvelous of all are our
Ixixixangos." He pointed to a couple of creatures who looked like
vitrified anteaters and clanked when they walked. "All other
life-forms are either carbon or silicon based. Only the Ixixixango has
a chemistry based upon both , and requires both for its substance. "

"You mean they can't eat what everyone eats?"

"No indeed. We fed them ground glass and meat."

"Ha!" cried the Emperor. " So that's how you follow my orders,
Fernando Feghoot. Ground-glass-and-meat isn't Mexican food! "

"It is too!" said Feghoot. . . . "It's silicon carne."

(By Reginald Bretner using the penname Grendel Briarton)
+---------------------------------------------+
