7/8/98

[courtesy of Dockers.  Posted today in honor of Roy Rogers]

A cowboy by the name of Roy Randall lived with his beautiful bride
Alice on a nice ranch out on the Colorado prairie.  They had a few
head of cattle, some horses, chickens, you know, the usual for a
young cowboy and his young bride.

Well, the day arrived for Roy's big birthday and his beautiful bride
Alice had a neat surprise for him.  She had ordered a great pair of
cowboy boots which cost a small fortune, completely unbeknownst to
Roy.  After all, it was his birthday, and Alice had scrimped and
saved and ratpacked the money away for almost an entire year to buy
him the boots, something he had always talked about but never had
owned . . . his very own set of cowboy boots, tailor made especially
for him.

That evening, after a fine dinner, Alice brought out a huge
gift-wrapped box and placed it in Roy's lap, complete with a huge red
bow on it.  He looked at her as she was smiling at him and unwrapped
the huge box.  There they were!  His very own cowboy boots, complete
with sterling silver trim and spurs; the works! They even had his
initials "RR" tooled into the leather on each side of the upper boot!
 What a nifty present!!  He was absolutely thrilled at his birthday
present.

After they retired for the evening and proceeded to go to sleep, all
of a sudden there was a terrible noise coming from the barn which
woke them both up.  Roy got up and looked out the window and listened
some more.  He recognized the dreaded sound.  It seems a large
mountain lion had gotten into the barn and was raising a real ruckus
with the horses, scaring the heck out of them.  Without thinking, Roy
reached over and put on his new boots, thinking they were his regular
cowboy boots, 'cause they fit like a glove.  He threw on a pair of
trousers, grabbed his trusty rifle and raced down the stairs heading
straight for the barn.

It was a large cougar alright.  Huge, yellow, with large flashing
sharp white teeth and it was cowering in a corner near the horse
stalls hissing and scratching its paws on the floor. Roy ran over and
tried to get as close to the cougar as he could so he could get a
good aim with his rifle.  In doing so, he stepped in some fresh horse
manure and scraped his new boots against a board with its nail heads
exposed, gouging the side of one boot.  Roy looked down and to his
disappointment, he noticed he had his new boots on instead of his old
knockarounds.  He swiftly took them off and carefully tossed them
over on the hay out of the way.  The cougar was extremely fast.  It
proceeded to run around Roy, bite into both of his new boots,
dragging them with him out the door of the barn.  When our hero saw
this he became extremely upset, grabbed his horse Clyde, mounting him
without any saddle and headed after the cougar. 

The cougar, with Roys new birthday present dragging and tumbling as
they were being held by the cougars sharp teeth, headed straight for
a box canyon, a place Roy was hoping for, since there was no way out
of the canyon with its almost sheer, vertical walls.  The cougar,
with his new boots still being tightly held in its jaws, ran to the
farthest and narrowest part of the box canyon, completely trapping
itself there.

Roy was right on its heels.  When the cougar stopped and turned
around, it started snarling at Roy and Clyde, and while doing so it
continued to bite and chew at Roys new boots, still intact in its
powerful jaws.  When it appeared the cougar was going to try an end
run around Roy as it had done earlier in the barn, Roy drew a bead on
the couger, took careful aim and fired one shot, dropping the cougar
dead where it stood.  Roy shot it one more time to make sure it was
dead. 

He went over and rolled the cougar over, pried its mouth open to
enable him to remove the boots.  They were really a mess; in fact,
they were almost ruined.  Roy loaded the dead cougar across the front
of Clyde, then climbed up behind the cougar holding his boots and
slowly rode back to the ranch thinking "What am I going to say to
Alice after all this? What am I gonna say?"

It was a full moon-lit night.  The weather was calm, the sky in all
its splendor with the entire Milky Way over head with nary a cloud in
the sky.  Just a beautiful night.  Roy almost forgot why he was out
there.  But what a way to be out there.  When he looked down at the
dead cougar straddled across Clyde in front of him, he thought that
this was absolutely no cause for celebration, for sure.

As he rode under the large log with the name of his ranch proudly
displayed on its face, his beautiful wife was still upstairs, looking
out at her wonderful cowboy husband as he approached their home,
stopping directly under their upstairs bedroom window.  Alice looked
down at Roy, Clyde, the very sad look on their faces, then the boots
or what was left of them being held in one hand by Roy.  It was then
her eyes caught a glimpse of the cougar that had raised so much havoc
earlier.  She looked back at Roy and said . . . "Pardon me Roy . . .
is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Idiot's Guide to Windows 95 - Dictionary

Multitasking
          You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting!

Built-in Networking
          You can crash several PC's all at once. No need to buy
          Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

Microsoft Network
          Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your
          crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will
          be organized.

PnP
          Plug and Pray (that it works)

Multimedia
          Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.
          Compatible with existing software It will also crash your
          existing software.

Increased Productivity
          You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more
          *products* like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new
          computer ! That's productivity.

User-Friendly
          Picture of clouds

State of the Art
          Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.

MacIntosh-like
          It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.

Online Registration
          Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your
          harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's
          files for the rest of your life.

MS Plus
          More money for Bill's plus side.

Optimize
          It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu
          so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system.

+---------------------------------------------+
[from GCFL.  Subscribe info at http://www.gcfl.net ]

You know you have been working for the Government too long when:

The process becomes more important than the product.

Meeting minutes become very important to you.

You understand the reason for different colors of money.

You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you
know nothing about.

You feel you contributed to the meeting by simply being there.

You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually you
believe it is possible, just not yours.

You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since
canceled.

You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one
answering them.

You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of
acronyms.

You believe that 40 hours charged to one code is lazy, but 40 hours
charged to multiple codes is initiative.

You know the proper number of blank spaces that should follow a roman
numeral index.

You often use the word SHALL while writing.

You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an
acronym.

Knowing that a squeaky wheel gets either oiled (good) or replaced
(bad), you remain silent.

You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3
years, but  have had 3 different business cards. (change in: chain of
command, job title, command or division renamed)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Jake Styles had just bought a farmhouse in the country, barn and all.
"Great!" he thought "now I can get that horse I have always wanted!"
So he goes down the road to Farmer Ben's house, and tells him he wants
to buy a horse.

"Well, I only have one mare right now, and she's kind of flighty."

"I don't care!" Jake says "I think she's beautiful!" So Jake buys the
horse, brings her home and sets her up in a newly cleaned stall.

The next morning, Jake wakes to find that she has broken out and run
off. After many hours of searching, he finds her and leads her home.
Thinking maybe she didn't like her stall, he cleans out a different
one (the barn had four) and leads her in, this time making sure to
bolt the door.

The next morning, Jake wakes to find that the mare has broken out and
run off. After many hours of searching, he finds her, and brings her
home, again trying a different stall (the barn had four).

The next morning Jake wakes to find that the mare had again broken out
and run off. After many hours of searching, he finds her and brings
her home, this time tying her to the last stall (the barn had four).
When he woke the next morning, the mare had chewed the rope, broken
out and run off.

He called Farmer Ben, furious at the horses behavior. "I don't 
understand it! I keep her stall clean, locked, full of food, nothing I
do keeps her from running off!"

"I tried to tell you," Farmer Ben said ... "She just can't seem to
form a stable relationship!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

DOCTOR GENEROSITY

When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new
wing at a hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it; the
dermatologists preferred no rash moves; the gastroenterologists had a
gut feeling about it; the microsurgeons were thinking along the same
vein; the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of
nerve"; the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception; the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted;
the orthopedists issued a joint resolution; the parasitologists said,
"Well, if you encyst"; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!";
the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"; the proctologists said, "We are in
arrears"; the psychiatrists thought it was madness; and finally, the
surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it; the internists thought it
was a hard pill to swallow; the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a
whole new face on the matter"; the podiatrists thought it was a big
step forward; the D.O.s thought they were being manipulated; the
urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water; the anesthesiologists
thought the whole idea was a gas; the cardiologists didn't have the
heart to say no; and the otologists were deaf to the idea.

Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Tom Lewis]

Microsoft Windows 98 Deployment Team

For Immediate release to all Microsoft customers.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition
of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If
you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help
understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by
looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background
picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag.  It is
shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.  Also note the Recycle Bin is
labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This  Infernal Contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control  Panel is known as
the Dern Dashboard,  Hard Drive is referred to  as 4 wheel drive, and
floppies are them little ole plactic disc thangs.

Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag
and duct tape.
   OK =          ats aww-right
   cancel =      hail no
   reset =       awa shoot
   yes =         shore
   no =          Naaaa
   find =        hunt-fer it
   go to =       over yonder
   back =        back yonder
   help =        hep me out here
   stop =        ternit off
   start =       crank it up
   settings =    sittins
   programs =    stuff at does stuff
   documents =   stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
   tiperiter...........A word processor
   colerin book.......a graphics program
   addin mershene......calculator
   outhouse paper .....notepad
   jupe-box ...........CD Player
   iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
   pichers.............A graphics viewer
   IRS.................M/S accounting software
   IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
   coon dog............American kennel club records
   fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
   NRA.................National  Rifle Association
   shot gun ...........Remington Arms price list
   riffel..............Winchester price list
   pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
   truck...............Ford &Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
   house...............Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
   car ................same as truck just need two list in Alabama
   cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file 
   tax records.........usually an empty file
   shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
   bud.................list of Budweiser dealers by zip  code
   rasin...............NASCAR racing schedule  includes list of TV
                       stations that carry the race 
   car n truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code 
   doc ................veterinarians  by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy  of the Alabama edition.  You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement  version.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Chalapathi Rao Poduri, via UGA Humor List] 

Washington, Jun22:
The United States today said they will impose sanctions on Iran
because of the defeat suffered in the World Cup Soccer. Madeline
Albright said that the White House had no alternative but to take this
matter seriously since the future of US soccer is at stake. 

Being the most developed country, the US could not afford to lose
standing among the G-32 teams, least of all be humbled in the MG-4
(Mini G-4) group. The US will also pursue ammendment to the rule that
if the ball hits the post it will be a goal, since the US managed to
hit the post on more than one occasion. 

White House correspondent on world affairs said that White House was
deeply concerned that Iran could be so insensitive in the MG-4 meet.
Newt Gingrich has blamed Clinton Administration's lax control on
trade of high-tech NIKE equipment to Iran for this disgrace.
President Clinton has said our policy is very strict on this issue
and I intend to implement it fully. 

This issue has become a hot topic in United Nations Security Council.
Resolution is being drafted condemning Iran's irresponsible action.
There is a talk of tough economic sanctions against Iran. France and
Russia are opposing sanction though they have joined other nations in
condemning Iran's unprovoked action. 

According to reliable sources Iran will be asked to sign NPT (Non
soccer Playing Treaty) immediately without any conditions. All IMF
and World Bank loans to Iran have been suspended with immediate
effect. 

Australia also condemned Iran heavily and has called back its
ambassador from Tehran.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Chris Gill]

  The Quarter-Finalists for the World Cup:
     A rgentina
     B razil
     C roatia
     D enmark

     F rance
     G ermany
     H olland
     I taly

  Conclusive evidence that England was cheated out of a place!!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from David Gersic and Mike Avery, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & 
Weird List]

WINDOWS 98 LINER NOTES

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version
of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.

Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully.  Failure to do so may further limit the terms
of the limited warranty.

Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over
Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C).  You'll notice
immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95," a better than 3
percent increase.  But that's not all.  Windows 98 (C) contains many
features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer
operating system, if there were any.  Among the improvements:  faster
storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps
Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking
and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged
weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box.  Most important, Windows
98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft
products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's
software again.

Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of
Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser.  And
despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice,
Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser
of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest
and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will
either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft
Explorer is easy.  Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the
"time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser."  A dialog box
will ask "Are  you sure?" Click "yes."  This question may be asked
several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." 
Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen,
signifying that the browser is being loaded.  You'll know the browser
is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the
screen "explodes."  If at any time after installation you become
disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated
with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. 
Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed -- permanently.

Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year
2000" computer problem.  As you may know, most computers store the
current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake
the year 2000 for 1900.  Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing
the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to
upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits
has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar.
Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as
"Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months
called "Bill" and "Melissa."

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. 
It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software
problems our customers want addressed.  Be assured that none of the
information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number,
bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be
shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft
DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as
possible.  We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at
all with your software.  Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow
the recorded instructions carefully.  (The Helpline is open every day
but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded
to the Justice Department.  We'll also send, in your name, a letter to
the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that
American  consumers want software designed by companies that are free
to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

AIRLINE INERTIAL GUIDANCE SYSTEMS

The aircraft knows where it is at all times.  It knows this because it
knows where it isn't.  By subtracting where it is from where it isn't,
or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it
obtains a difference, or deviation.

The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal
commands which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it
is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a position where it
wasn't, or now is.  Consequently, the position where it is, is now the
position where it wasn't; thus, it follows logically that the position
where it was is the position where it isn't.

In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the
position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a
variation.  Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions
of which are beyond the scope of this report.

A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where
the aircraft wasn't.  If the variation is considered to be a factor of
significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the
autopilot system.  However, use of this correction requires that the
aircraft now knows where it was because the variation has modified
some of the information which the aircraft has, so it is sure where it
isn't.

Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and
it knows where it was.  It now subtracts where it should be from where
it isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa)
and integrates the difference with the product of where it shouldn't
be and where it was; thus obtaining the difference between its
deviation and its variation, which is variable constant called
"error".
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Terry Galan, via UGA Humor List]

 Here's an interesting twist to an old joke:

     In Heaven:
        The cooks are French,
        The policemen are English,
        The mechanics are German,
        The lovers are Italian,
        The bankers are Swiss.

     In Hell:
        The cooks are English,
        The policemen are German,
        The mechanics are French,
        The lovers are Swiss,
        The bankers are Italian.

  +   +   +   +   +   +   +   +   +   +

     In Computer Heaven:
        The management is from Intel,
        The design and construction is done by Apple,
        The marketing is done by Microsoft,
        IBM provides the support,
        Gateway determines the pricing.

     In Computer Hell:
        The management is from Apple,
        Microsoft does design and construction,
        IBM handles the marketing,
        The support is from Gateway,
        Intel sets the price.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Parthenon/1333/webhome.htm ]

Home on the Web

(to the tune of "Home on the Range")
Lyrics by Peggy Ben-Fay Hu

VERSE:

Oh give me a site
where the links all work right --
one that doesn't take too long to load --

where the text can be seen
on my 13-inch screen --
one that offers a "no-Java" mode.

REFRAIN:

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE:

Though your video files
give your pages some style
I can't read them upon my PC;

Massive graphics and sound
crash my system, I've found,
so please put in some "alt" tags for me!

REFRAIN:

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE:

Please don't ask me to "chat"
with your favorite cat;
I don't have an IRC code.

And don't ask me to buy
games for Win 95 --
My PC is way too darn old!

REFRAIN:

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Michael Mullen, via UGA Humor List]

The State of Florida had a problem. The drug bust over the years had
filled their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided  the only
option was to burn all of the Marijuana on hand.

The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana was torched. The fire
raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud. At this time
a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.

A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were
sent out to assure the welbeing of the Terns . They followed this
flock until they finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns
were able to observe and issue a report that read: Not a Tern was
left unstoned. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                           Hacker Tarot Cards

0. The FOOL: a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a
screensaver.

1. The MAGICIAN: a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a
Cray on the table in front of him --- all running the same program
with the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head.

2. The HIGH PRIESTESS: a woman holding the Documentation, closed and
concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her.

3. The EMPEROR: Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical
disk vertically in his hand.

4. The EMPRESS: A secretary with a NeXT Machine.

5. The HEIROPHANT: Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him,
their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop
computer on his head.

6. The LOVERS: a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as
an angel bathed in glory regards them.

7. The CHARIOT: A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve,
drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white).

8. STRENGTH: A woman holding the entire design and implementation of
Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An
infinity sign is over her head.

9. The HERMIT: An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil;
its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard.

10. The WHEEL OF FORTUNE: A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going
down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++
is sitting on top. Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow,
and a human -- look on.

11. JUSTICE. A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a
delete- key in the other.

12. The HANGED MAN: A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct.
His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at
dawn. His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly,
oblivious to his circumstances.

13. DEATH: A skeleton weilding a scythe surveys a field, on which are
scattered PDP-11s, Apple ]['s, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many
other machines.

14. TEMPERANCE: An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on
the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor
blinks from her chest.

15. The DEVIL: The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of
Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans,
male and female, are in chains at his feet.

16. The TOWER: An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two
robed figures, denied tenure, are hurtled to the ground.

17. The STAR: A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient
fragile moment of peace.

18. The MOON: A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish
crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove
deadly. The moon shines through a window.

19. The SUN: A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs
clever applications on a high-quality workstation.

20. JUDGEMENT: An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages
arise, to be rated Cool or not.

21. The WORLD: A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered,
in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings
from the Wheel of Fortune surround her.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's G-Rated Humor List]

          HOW APPLICANTS SPEAK
          and what they mean


"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
   I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
   I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
   I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARDWORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
   I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
   I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
   I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE:"
   I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
   As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
   I carry a Franklin Planner.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
   You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
   I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
   The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
   I'm a college dropout.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
   Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
   Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form 
letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future 
career. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

    ENROLL TODAY - EVENING CLASSES, FALL 1998


SELF IMPROVEMENT

1100    Creative Suffering
1101    Overcoming Peace of Mind
1102    You & Your Birthmark
1103    Guilt Without Sex
1104    The Primal Shrug
1105    Ego Gratification Through Violence
1106    Moulding Your Child's Behaviour
           Through Fear
1107    Dealing With Post-Realisation
           Depression
1108    Whine Your Way to Alienation
1109    How to Overcome Self-Doubt
           Through Pretence & Ostentation
1110    Body Language for Epileptics
1111    Catholics Women's Guide to
           Orgasm


BUSINESS & CAREER

0001    I Made $100 in Real Estate
0002    Money Can Make You Rich
0003    Packaging & Selling Your Child
0004    Career Opportunities In El Salvador
0005    How to Profit from Your Own Body
0006    The Under-Achievers Guide to
           Very Small Business
0007    Tax Shelters for the Indigent
0008    Looter's Guide to European Cities
0009    How to Land a Job in Algeria
0010    1001 Methods of Blackmail


HOME ECONOMICS

401     Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator
402     Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete
403     Sinus Drainage at Home
404     Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
405     Teach Your Goldfish Buddhism
406     Christianity and the art of TV Maintenance
407     How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy


HEALTH & FITNESS

1202    Creative Tooth Decay
1203    Exercise & Acne
1204    The Joys of Hypochondria
1205    High Fibre Sex
1206    Suicide & Your Health
1207    Skate Your Way to Regularity
1208    Biofeed & How to Stop
1209    Understanding Nudity
1210    Tap Dance Your Way to Ridicule
1211    Optional Body Functions
1212    Leprosy & Pole Vaulting- How
           to Avoid it
1213    Elective Surgery in the Home
1214    Over 26 - How to Tell an
           Orgasm from a Heart Attack


CRAFTS

1011    Self Actualisation Through
           Macrame
1012    How to Draw Genitalia
1013    Weaving With Body Hair
1014    Cancelled
1015    Gifts for the Senile
1016    Bonsai Your Pet
1017    Rearranging Your Hate
1018    Masochism for the Over 40's
1019    Post-Coital Rug Making
1020    Creative Nail Clipping
           Arrangements

  RELIGION

 6660   Ritual Cookie Sacrifices
 6661   Moonie Burial Rites
 6662   Just Say Noah
 6663   Matzoth Baking Without Perforations
 6664   Advanced Hell Fire Fighting
 6665   Rap & Heavy Metal Hymns
 6667   Condensed Bible Study
 6668   Satan and Satin
 6669   ---Over  Subscribed ---
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving a $25 car that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to
Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
 1.  For no reason whatsoever your car would crash
     twice a day.
 2.  Every time they repainted the lines on the road
     you would have to buy a new car.
 3.  Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
     and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
 4.  Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
     cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which
     case you would have to reinstall the engine.
 5.  Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
     "Car95" or "CarNT."  But then you would have to buy more
     seats.
 6.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, 
     reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
     would only runon 5% of the roads.
 7.  The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would
     be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
 8.  New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
 9.  The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
     out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the
     door handle,  turn the key, and grab hold of the radio
     antenna.
 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
     of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though 
     they neither need them nor want them.  Attempting to delete
     this option would immediately cause the car's performance to
     diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for
     investigation by the Justice Department.
 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to 
     learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls 
     would operate in the same manner as the old car.
 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Moatman, on Rehu]

Happy Bastille Day!

The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very
expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is
intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of
accuracy is ensured or intended.

General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in
the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world
community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded
by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no
particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre
and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are
champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes
to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used
and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One
continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people
wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if
shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously
oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The
French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant,
aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess
it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and
they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers
are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and
colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers
are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By
tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a
temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in
getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor
generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to
Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to
make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of
Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for
many years and is now an airport.

Government: The French form of government is democratic but noisy.
Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a
run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into
regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes,
villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two
chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on
the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists,
neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal
preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and
acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current
State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is
not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have
hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but
the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French
novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family -ha! ha! ha!).

Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a
snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the
other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans
to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to
cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to
Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at
all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are
on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are
wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne,
high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack
aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation in the
world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37
National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return
of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed
Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from
Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is
Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day
January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and
National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied
landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice
country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that
can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A word of warning: The consular services of the United States
government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of
American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola
Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or
serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the
American Embassy between the hours of 5.15 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday
or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to
your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something
similarly useless.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take
our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you
and good luck.


Anonymous Sevierville Sciolist

Personally I've always felt the chief glory of New York City  is that
it affords Americans the opportunity to be treated abominably at
outrageous expense without having to travel to France.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://bud.indirect.com/www/jcarey/XFiles/encounters.html ]

A close encounter of the 1st kind is when you find evidence of aliens.

A close encounter of the 2nd kind is when you see an alien space
craft.

A close encounter of the 3rd kind is when you see a alien.

A close encounter of the 4th kind is when there's some physical
evidence on a person from an abduction. 

A close encounter of the 5th kind is when the death of a human has
occured from contact with an alien being.

A close encounter of the 6th kind is when aliens replace all of Fox's
executives with ten-year-old boys in hopes of improving certain shows.

A close encounter of the 7th kind is when an alien gets sick of FOX
broadcasting almost meaningless signals and comes down and destroys
their main offices.

A close encounter of the 13th kind is when an alien ask you for Agent
Molder's cell phone number.

A close encounter of the 18th kind is when an alien wants to borrow
your mayonnaise.

A close encounter of the 24th kind is when an alien ask you for
directions to the nearest Circle K.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List.  Attributed to Bryan 
Porter]

    /*
      TOP SECRET Microsoft(c)  Code
      Project: Chicago(tm)
      Projected release-date: Summer 1998
    */
     #include "win31.h"
     #include "win95.h"
     #include "evenmore.h"
     #include "oldstuff.h"
     #include "billrulz.h"
     #define INSTALL = HARD
     char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
     void main()
     {
         while(!CRASHED)
        {
             display_copyright_message();
             display_bill_rules_message();
             do_nothing_loop();
             if (first_time_installation)
             {
                make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
                do_nothing_loop();
                totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
                search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
                hang_system();
             }
             write_something(anything);
             display_copyright_message();
             do_nothing_loop();
             do_some_stuff();
             if (still_not_crashed)
             {
                 display_copyright_message();
                 do_nothing_loop();
                 basically_run_windows_3.1();
                 do_nothing_loop();
                 do_nothing_loop();
             }
         }
         if (detect_cache())
             disable_cache();
         if (fast_cpu())
         {
             set_wait_states(lots);
             set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
             set_mouse(action, jumpy);
             set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
         }
         /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
        /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
        printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
        if (system_ok())
              crash(to_dos_prompt);
        else
             system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
         while(something)
        {
             sleep(5);
             get_user_input();
             sleep(5);
             act_on_user_input();
             sleep(5);
        }
        create_general_protection_fault();
+---------------------------------------------+
[           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
[ The Top 5 List   top5@walrusnet.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

                         July 15, 1998

   The Top 13 Signs You're Taking "The X-Files" Too Seriously

13> Every morning, you march into Starbucks and ask for a cup of
    "The Black Oil."

12> You dropped out of high school, married your cousin, exposed
    yourself to a career counselor, and got fired from the car
    assembly plant because you thought that "someone else" would
    finish every other weld -- and you believe a government
    conspiracy prevented you from getting that job with IBM.

11> You conclude that every woman in your office is an alien clone,
    because of their cold indifference to your invitations to the
    planetarium.

10> You're spending so much time looking for evidence of a global
    conspiracy, you've gotten behind in translating the collected
    works of Piers Anthony into Klingon.

 9> "Alien Autopsy Buffet" night at the sports bar you own is not
    drawing crowds.

 8> You color your hair red, start wearing designer pants-suits,
    and speaking in a low monotone -- and your name's Bob.

 7> Persistent belief in the existence of straight FBI agents makes
    you the laughingstock of the Joint Chiefs.

 6> You see a connection between the upcoming alien invasion and
    the FDA's approval of a fat substitute that causes "anal
    leakage."

 5> What most people call a beer gut you call a systematic
    governmental plot to destroy you.

 4> Your best "puzzled David Duchovny" looks a lot more like a
    "constipated Jack Nicholson."

 3> Goodbye, Spock ears.  Hello, prosthetic arm.

 2> Your new "The Truth Is Out There" tattoo is only fully visible
    an hour after taking your Viagra.

       and Top5's Number 1 Sign You're
    Taking "The X-Files" Too Seriously...

 1> Every time you relieve yourself, you gaze into the bowl
    and yell, "Scully, there's something in here I think you
    should see!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

HOW THEY GOT THAT WAY

Derivations of place names are an automatic story almost any time,
anywhere.  Andrew Denny recalled a 1983 book, "The Meaning of Liff,"
by Brit authors Douglas Adams and John Lloyd (Adams of "The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe" and Lloyd of comic TV productions)
with doubtful scholarship but hilarious wit.  Its subject is town
names, mostly British.

Liff, for example, is "A book, the contents of which are totally
belied by its cover.  For instance, any book the dust jacket of which
bears the words, 'This book will change your life.'"

Other examples:

"Grimbister:  A convoy of vehicles all traveling at exactly the speed
limit, because one of them is a police car.

"Jalisco:  The alacrity with which a grimbister breaks up when the
police car turns off at a junction.

"Pelutho:  A South American ball game.  The balls are whacked against
the wall with a stout wooden bat, until the prisoner confesses.

"Massachusetts:  The contents of a handkerchief that an old man is
inspecting after sneezing into it in a public place.

"Kentucky:  Fitting exactly and satisfyingly.  The cardboard box that
slides neatly into a small space in a garage is said to fit 'real nice
and Kentucky'.

"Lackawanna:  The inability of a New York cabbie to know where, for
instance, Central Park is.

"Wyoming:  Moving in hurried desperation from one cubicle to another
in a restroom...."

Denny confesses that he can't watch tennis any more without thinking
of Wimbledon in a whole new light ("That last drop which, no matter
how much you shake it, always goes down your trouser leg.")

"The Meaning of Liff" is out of print but exists at some websites:

http://www-leland.stanford.edu/~iburrell/liff/
http://www.hut.fi/~timop/liff/a.html
http://www.cco.caltech.edu/~pmaresh/dna/liff.html
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Joe Hickman, via UGA Humor List]

The best exercise is climbing stairs. Climbing stairs for one hour
will burn up 1,100 calories. This means, if you climb stairs only five
hours a day, you can eat like a horse and still not look like one.

In terms of calories burned, cycling four miles on a stationary
exercise bike equals one mile of walking. And, of course, with a
stationary bike, you don't have to walk back.

Ten minutes of free-style swimming equals one mile of jogging. And
while swimming, you're not nearly as likely to get run over by a
truck.

Isometric exercises like pushups and chinups can be dangerous because
they elevate blood pressure significantly. The best indication that
it's time to rest is a heart attack.

Doing the exact same exercise, men lose weight faster than women. This
is due to body chemistry, and filing a lawsuit won't help.

Wearing a sweatsuit while exercising in hot weather will jeopardize
your health. It is a good idea, however, to wear something.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

BUILDING A WONDERFUL RESUME!

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for
dealing with them.  These tips will help crush the competition, get
you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus
bonus.

THE NAME

Use the name to your advantage.  Spice it up a little bit.  Steve
Smith goes nowhere fast.  But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that might turn
a few heads.  Nicknames also help.  Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good.
 Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.

THE ADDRESS

Forget your real address.  Make a statement instead!  Saying you're
from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails.  Anyplace in Japan
implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

THE PHONE NUMBER

Skip it.  What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1.  If they do,
they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of
his second six-pack.  My advice is never put your phone number on a
resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might
wake up a recruiter or two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT

Forget the ambition statement.  You know what I mean:  "Seeking a
challenging IS position using state-of-theart technology in a
high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for
the environment."  A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT
seeking.  "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years,
maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving
for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the
world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position,
only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind
up in some noncritical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."

EDUCATION

Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s.  Be proud of where you go to
school and play it straight.  But just to be on the safe side, send an
application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious
school.  Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your
education credits:  "B.A. in Watersports Administration, Massatucky
State, 1993 ... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer
Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."

EXPERIENCE

Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience.  But don't
mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded
an object-oriented commodity trading system.... Everybody's done that
stuff.  I'm talking about hands-on experience:  high-level management,
microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc.  So if you're a little light
in the experience area, don't tell lies.  Instead, simply try a
bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have.  For
example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored
and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning
system."  "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface"
sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo."  But don't try
"Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia
environment."  Most employers can pick that one off as watching too
much MTV.

THE CLOSE

"References furnished upon request?"  What kind of power-close is
that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation:  Close with
impact. Close with passion.  Close with a line they'll remember, like
"Please, please give me a job.  And by the way, I know where you
live."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acropolis/1147/stuffeth7.html ]

INTERNET QUIZ

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have
your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your
computer monitor?  How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and
losing touch with reality?  Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your
score to see if you should be concerned:

1.  What do you think are good names for children?
        a) Scott and Jenny. 
        b) Bill Gates IV.
        c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

2.  What's a telephone?
        a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others. 
        b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys. 
        c) Something you plug into a modem.

3.  Which punctuation is most correct?
        a) I had a wonderful day!
        b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
        c) I had a wonderful day :-)

4.  You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
        a) Visit the washroom.
        b) Raid the fridge.
        c) Check your E-mail.

5.  What are RAM and ROM?
        a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
        b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
        c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

6.  To avoid a virus you should:
        a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
        b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
        c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

7.  When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
        a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
        b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
        c) Go to Yahoo!

8.  When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
        a) Call the retailer.
        b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
        c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.

9.  When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
        a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
        b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
        c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?
        a) Hi, I'm Jane!
        b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
        c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.

11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:
        a) Tell me more about yourself.
        b) What's your star sign?
        c) What's your Profile?

12. If you really like the person, you say:
        a) Could you tell me your phone number?
        b) What's your E-mail address?
        c) Let's chat Private.

13. When I say spam, you think:
        a) Ham in a can.
        b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
        c) I mailbomb all spammers!

14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
        a) I don't need another mug coaster.
        b) Great!  I'll reformat and use it for backups.
        c) Great!  I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50
           hours.

15. When you want to research a reference you:
        a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
        b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
        c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

16. When you write a letter you:
        a) Put pencil to paper.
        b) Open Eudora.
        c) Ask: What's a letter?  Is it like E-mail?

17. Different types of text formatting include:
        a) Writing and printing.
        b) Underline and double-strike.
        c) Bold and italic.

18. You correct errors using:
        a) An eraser.
        b) White-out.
        c) Backspace or delete.

19. You sign your name:
        a) Best regards, John Smith.
        b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
        c) Check out my home page for the cool links, 
           johnsmith@aol.com.

20. To keep a copy of your letter you:
        a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
        b) Take it to the photocopier.
        c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING:  Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for
each "b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log
more hours in real life.

If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix
of Net and reality. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Chalapathi Rao Poduri, via UGA Humor List]

There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who
kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a
mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty
of canned food and water but no can opener.

A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can
opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to
make an explosive, and escaped.

The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off
the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a
good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.

The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped
calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:

Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: Assume the opposite...

Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.oraclehumor.com/Humor/Pentium.html ]

The Pentium FDIV bug 

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums? 
A: Warning label.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
is to: 
	1) Divide 
	2) ROUND 
	3) RANDOM 
	4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point
divider? 
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754
and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed
using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"? 
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

Top ten new slogans for Intel

9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Randall Woodman, via UGA Humor List]

Politically Correct Joke

Two people were working on a house. The race, nationality, religion,
size, gender, level of intelligence, sexual orientation, hair color,
eye color, age, income level, personal hygiene habits, native
language, and place of residence of the two people are unknown and
unimportant to the telling of this joke. All that matters is that the
two people are

1) capable of driving nails, and
2) able to communicate with each other.

Person one who was applying the siding (made of 100% post-consumer
recycled plastic) would reach into his or her nail pouch, pull out a
nail, and either nail it into the siding or walk over and deposit it
into the metals recycling container.

The other person, figuring this was worth looking into, stated "Pardon
me, I hope I'm not being too nosy--and if I am, please tell me--but
why are you discarding those nails?"

The first one explained, "If I pull a nail out and it's pointed
towards me, I  do not use it because it's directionally challenged and
therefore, unfortunately, unsuitable to be nailed into the house
(although, in every other way it is perfectly equal to the other
nails, and I do not disparage it one bit because it is challenged in
this way--which is why I place it in the recycling bin so that it can
find fulfillment and acceptance despite being directionally
challenged.)  If it is pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in.

The second one began to get upset, but, remembering that anger,
especially over such a trivial topic, is never good and only escalates
into the type of hatred and violence that tears a society apart,
regained her or his composure and said, "Again, I mean no offense, and
I would certainly never call into question you intelligence (for
indeed, you are equally as bright as everyone that I know), but I
think I should inform you that the directionally challenged nails
can be used on the OTHER side of the house."

[Note: That was the punch line; you should laugh at it.]
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Mark Huth, on Rehu.  Three job opportunities for 
organists - a bit too offensive for the JO/JP lists]

HOLY APOSTOLIC PENTECOSTAL CHARISMATIC FUNDAMENTAL EVANGELICAL
RIGHT OF TRUTH ROD OF GOD CHURCH OF JESUS


ORGAN:

We have a 1945 Hammond.  Plans are being made to purchase a 1966
Allen.


PERSONAL QUALIFICATIONS:

The organist must not be a Catholic, Jew, or other unbeliever.  The
organist must believe that the Bible is God's inerrant Word and that
every word is exactly true, and when Matthew and Luke disagree in
Jesus' genealogy, or when Leviticus forbids a man to marry his
brother's widow and Deuteronomy orders him to marry her, then it is
our own mind that is at fault, for when faith speaks, then reason must
be silent.

The organist must have an I.Q. approximating that of a snowcone.

The organist must be heterosexual. Leviticus outlines how we must
treat the sexually aberrant, so don't talk to us about "Christian
Forgiveness."

The Sermon on the Mount tells us that we must destroy iniquity and
that Jesus is capable of forgiving only good Christians.


DUTIES:

The organist directs the three adult choirs:  the Noah's Flood
Choir, the Garden of Eden Choir, and the Smite and Heathen Choir.  In
addition, there are seven youth choirs, each named after a Plague of
Egypt:  the Frog Choir, the Pimples Choir, and so forth.


COMPENSATION:

We pay $6.00 weekly.  The organist is expected to tithe 50% of this to
the church.

For further information, contact the Rev. Billy Bob Snodgrass.

----------------------------------------------------------

OUR BLESSED VIRGIN OF PERPETUAL MOTION

We are a small Catholic parish of 3500 families.  We are currently
searching for an organist/music director.


ORGAN:

We have a four-manual, 135-rank, 1925 E. M. Skinner organ.  This
instrument has needed releathering since 1954 and will be operable
once we get the funds.  The organ maintenance fund, begun in 1957, now
has $16.59.

Until the remaining $137,000 is raised, the organist can utilize the
Baldwin FunMachine in the rear gallery.


PERSONAL QUALIFICATIONS:

The organist must not be a Protestant, Jew, or other unbeliever.

The organist must accept the Word of God as being of primary
importance, second only to the whims of the head priest.


DUTIES:

The organist plays the following masses:  Saturdays at 1:00 PM, 3:00
PM, 5:00 PM, 9:00 PM, and 1:00 AM.; and Sundays at 4:00 AM, 6:00 AM,
9:00 AM, Latin Mass at 10:00 AM, Spanish Mass at 11:00 AM, Polish Mass
at 12:00 noon, Gaelic Mass at 1:00 PM, and the 3:00 PM Hootenanny.

The 8:00PM Bingo Mass is optional.  The organist also plays weekday
Novenas, devotions, and rosaries from 6:00 AM to 8:00 PM.  The
organist is responsible for all holy days, weddings, funerals,
baptisms, confessions, etc.  without extra compensation.

The organist also directs the Palestrina  choir (five old ladies and
one old man) and the Schola Guitarum.


COMPENSATION:

We pay Grace and Indulgence, as cash is of no use to a servant of God.

For further information, contact Fr. Patrick O'Shaughnessy,
Fr.Giovanni Battista Ferrari, or Fr. Wozelewski Szymenozski.


---------------------------------------------------------------------


TEMPLE OF KRISHNA CONSCIOUSNESS

ORGAN:

Our instrument is made of bamboo, elephant tusks and monkey dung. It
used to be a practice instrument at The University of Michigan.


PERSONAL QUALIFICATIONS:

The organist must not be a Christian, Jew, or other unbeliever.  The
organist must accept the avatars of Brahma, Vishnu, and Siva.

The organist must not be an Untouchable or have been a spider or
snake in a previous life.

The organist must have four arms.


DUTIES:

The organist must play at all Ganges baptisms, at all sacrifices of
virgins to the goddess Kali, and in all airport lobbies.


COMPENSATION:

We can arrange it so that in your next life you can be something
other than a church musician.

For further information, contact Swami Prabhupada.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

10 COMMON FISHING TERMS EXPLAINED

Catch and Release -- A conservation motion that happens most often
right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that
has caught over it's limit.

Hook -- (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.  (2) A clever
advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new
rod and reel.  (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife
after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line -- Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how
your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure -- An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an
angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the
limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel -- A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when
dropped overboard.

Rod -- An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an
angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School -- A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99
lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle -- What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but
just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box -- A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first
aid kit.  Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when
you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find
that you need more than one.

Test  (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when
fighting fish in a specific weight  range.  (2) A measure of your
creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Natasha, on Rehu]

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidently walked through a spider web.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating

Decaflon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

Dopelar Effect (n.) The tendancy of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been
abducted and experimented on.  Also known as ET'ry.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is
destroyed.  Hence faunacatering (n.), which has made a meal of many
species.

Grantarctica (n.) The cold, isolated place where arts companies
without funding dwell.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstipation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to
visit.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents
you from drifting off to sleep.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

THREE WISHES.......

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across
this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to
remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy
started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie
appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that
he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy.

The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to
check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the
lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the
world.

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than
Bill Gates. What's your second wish."

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on
board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an
automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car
anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the
guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with 
billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick
magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not
to wish for anything that came to his mind.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the
third wish for later."

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape
from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're
ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places
it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on
to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to
get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the 
Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. 
The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to
sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-M ...
+---------------------------------------------+
