I am a 32 year old woman with 6 children under the age of 12, and have been married for 14 years. My family joined the church in 1966, when I was 2 years old, so needless to say, the LDS church has been all I have ever known. Growing up in Oklahoma, and being surrounded by Southern Baptists, being a diligent Mormon youth was quite a challenge, but I did it with vigor and lots of self control. I constantly defended my religion all through high school, and knew that I would be blessed for doing so. I avoided hanging around non-members, and even quit dating a wonderful Christian fellow I knew because he was Methodist and not Mormon. Now get this, he didn't drink, stay out late, have sex, he went to his church every Sunday, and was an honor roll student. I stopped dating him to date a young man who did drugs, drank alcohol, and who rarely went to school. But hey, he said he had a testimony, and he was going on a mission. Isn't it every young Mormon girl's dream to marry an R.M.? [R.M.=returned missionary, he is now also an exmormon, and a born-again Christian]
I didn't marry the young man that I sent on a mission, because I met someone else while he was gone. (I found out that he left the church a few years after going on his mission) My husband didn't grow up in the church, but joined when he was 20 years old, after his girlfriend asked him to take the lessons. He was searching for something in his life, and Mormonism seemed to fit the bill at the time. His parents had occasionally attended the Unitarian church when he was growing up, but he had not been in years. He and his girlfriend broke up shortly after his baptism, so he started attending a singles ward. Wow, talk about party time. Take a guy who never really experienced organized religion, send him to a singles ward with a hundred love-starved 21 year old women who basically throw themselves at him, bake him cookies, clean his house, and I guarantee you he'll have a "testimony" real quick. I wasn't in this singles ward, but I did meet my husband at a singles dance (shocking I know). We dated for about a year, and decided to get married in the temple in 1982.
We had the typical problems that engaged couples have with being chaste, but exercised a lot of self control. We felt guilty about a couple of steamy make out sessions, and decided to talk to our bishop about it. The bishop said, "If you didn't have these temptations, you wouldn't be normal. You can still go to the temple, and I think it should be soon". Boy were we relieved! Imagine my surprise when my soon to be husband was called into a bishops court by his old bishop from the singles ward he attended previously. This bishop had heard from a roommate and a girlfriend that my husband had often been in steamy make out sessions. He told the bishop that all of this was true, but that he didn't have sex, and that he had confessed all of this previously. This particular bishop didn't like him because he was established in a career when he joined the church, and chose not to go on a mission. The Bishop felt that he was a bad example for the other young men in the singles ward. My soon to be husband was excommunicated that night. We were so devastated. There would not be a temple marriage anytime in the near future. Approximately 50 people were excommunicated from that ward by that same bishop in a period of 2 years. I never understood how someone who really didn't have a testimony in the first place could be excommunicated, and it always amazed me how 2 different bishops who supposedly receive revelation from the same God, got 2 different answers.
We decided to get married quickly after he was excommunicated. I loved this man, and I knew that I wanted to marry him. I was begged, nagged, threatened, and shamed by everyone I knew not to marry him. The bishop that excommunicated him came to my house and gave me blessing, promising me great things if I didn't marry him. We married in shame, in a quiet little ceremony with family only. I was so sad not to have a big beautiful wedding, but my bishop said that it was wrong if I wasn't going to the temple. My bishop wanted us to get married in the relief society room, but I did insist on the chapel. Looking back now, we should have gone to a nice country club by my parents house and invited everyone we knew. Everyone assumed that I was pregnant, and I was so happy to prove them wrong. Everyone warned me how horrible life would be for me, being married to someone who didn't have the spirit with them. Actually, our married life got off to a pretty good start. We both had good jobs, and we continued to go to church. He was re-baptized about a year after our marriage, and things gradually got worse after that.
We had 6 children in 8 years. This really wasn't intentional, but I was just very fertile. It actually made me feel like an incredibly good Mormon woman in the beginning. I stayed home with my babies, and took care of everyone's needs, except of course, my own. Being raised by a very dominant and controlling father myself, I had just accepted the fact that my husband was the head of the household, and my role was that of "wife and mother". My husband had a great job, and I started to feel inferior to everyone he associated with, and to him. I had put college on hold to raise my kids, I didn't have time to exercise or pursue my own interests, a job outside the home was out of the question, and my husband was extremely busy with his job and church callings. I was beginning to resent my role in life, but was too afraid to do anything about it.
We did finally make it to the temple in 1990. Going to the temple was supposed to be the ultimate, or so I thought. We went to the Dallas temple on a sweltering day in July, and I expected my world to change. What a disappointment! This was going to be the beautiful wedding day I didn't have 7 years earlier. Why did I leave the temple that day with a sick feeling of what I had just experienced? My brother said maybe I felt uncomfortable because I wasn't worthy enough to be there. I know if I would have gone a year earlier, before they changed the endowment ceremony, I would have left in the middle of it. The one bright spot of the day was seeing my 4 children dressed in white, and thinking they looked like angels.
I always assumed that I had a testimony of the church. I never questioned what I was taught by my parents or teachers. As people in the LDS church often say, "Once a leader has spoken, the thinking has been done". That was how I lived. I bore my testimony dozens of times, professing to know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet, and that the Book of Mormon was true. I truly felt like I was somehow unworthy in God's eyes though, because I had never had the much sought after "burning in the bosom", like other people talked about when professing they knew these things to be true. I was certainly trying to live a good life. We paid tithing, attended church weekly, had family prayers, read scriptures, diligently committed to our callings, and still no answer to my prayers about the truthfulness of these things.
A magical thing did happen! I attended a Christmas homemaking meeting in 1993 that changed my life. Up until that point, I had always treated my belief in Jesus Christ much like I had treated my beliefs in Joseph Smith & the Book of Mormon. At this particular homemaking meeting, a man spoke on the life of the Savior, not on the life of Joseph Smith. He read from the Bible, not the Book of Mormon. As he read from the books of Luke and John, I felt a calming, beautiful presence overcome me, and it was like nothing I had ever experienced. I received my testimony of Jesus Christ that night, and I didn't even realize it at the time. I just know that since that night, I have not questioned the Savior's love for me, or his purpose, one single time.
My marriage during this time had gone from bad to worse! My husband and I fought constantly, and we seriously considered getting a divorce. We went to our bishop for advice, and he said all of our problems would be solved if we would read the Book of Mormon more, and pray more often as a couple. I actually thought we might get some practical advice! Depression set in for me, and it hit hard. I felt empty inside, and I felt so alone. I didn't get any comfort from church, the Book of Mormon, or prayers. I wondered if I would ever feel peace. Of course, my depression just made me feel more inferior to all the radiant LDS sisters that attended my ward every sunday, with their returned missionary husbands, and BYU educations. One sunday, a sister got up and spoke, and she talked for so long, that her husband didn't have time to speak. Her entire talk was about her depression, and how her faith in the Savior had literally saved her, but that she still felt very little peace in her life, and constantly felt like she wasn't good enough. More than half of the sisters in the ward, including myself, told her how her talk affected them, and how they too suffered from depression, and felt empty and alone. Wow, what a revelation for me! I wasn't the only one who felt like this. None of these "radiant" Mormon women had peace in their lives. They all felt empty and alone. All of the sudden, I felt like I was a little more normal than I thought.
This last summer, we were attending fast & testimony meeting, when my 10 year old daughter got up and bore her testimony. I saw my daughter up on the podium saying all of the same things she had heard me say for years, (I know this church is true, I know Joseph Smith was a true prophet) and I knew I had done her, and all of my children a great disservice. For years I had said these things, but I didn't know they were true. Not one person that day bore their testimony of Jesus Christ, and I realized that I never had either. I understood right then that I didn't have a testimony of the church at all. That was our last time to attend the LDS church. That week I literally spent every waking hour reading everything I could get my hands on about church history, Joseph Smith, and other church related materials. The internet gave me an incredible wealth of information. I started this process with the intention of gaining a testimony, but the exact opposite happened, and I ended up studying my way out of Mormonism. I have read some incredible books like, Inventing Mormonism, No Man Knows my History, Mormon Enigma - Emma Smith, and many others. I have gotten incredible comfort from the Bible, a book that was never treated with importance in the LDS church. I now KNOW that the only way to have peace in this life, is not through some zealous religion that tells you what to read, what to wear, what to eat, and what to think. The only way to have peace is to turn your life over to Jesus Christ. The incredible thing is that I have gotten most of my information from "church approved" materials. The Journal of Discourses was real eye-opening for me. I find it hard to understand why the teachings of some prophets are treated as gold, and the teachings of others are cast aside. (Brigham Young - the Adam-God doctrine, blood atonement, mixing blood of different races) The funny thing is that most members of the church don't even know the history of it. I know I sure didn't, and neither do my brothers who are in the high council and the stake presidency. When I asked my brother about the origins of the Book if Abraham, he didn't have a clue where it had come from. He also had no idea that Joseph Smith had practiced polygamy for at least 10 years before the 1843 revelation.
Fortunately, my husband has decided to follow the same path as I have. He was shocked this last summer when I admitted that I didn't have a testimony. Like most people that have been through the temple, the thought of leaving the church scared both of us. Since then, he too has studied, and made the same decision. This has been a miracle for our marriage. We can be ourselves now, and there is no pressure to be perfect. Gone is the pressure to be people we aren't, and we no longer have to just go through the motions. The greatest thing that has happened is that I no longer see my husband as my ticket to the Celestial Kingdom. He is a great guy, but when I get to heaven, I want it to be because of my faith in Jesus Christ. My husband is sad that he ever bought into the whole thing. Counseling has helped us overcome a lot of pain. I am also convinced that our children will have much better lives outside of Mormonism. Why do Mormons believe that integrity is only found in the church? I know that we can raise good children, with values and integrity outside of the LDS church.
As far as my depression goes, it has improved incredibly. I have realized that I have so much potential, and that I will not be spending eternity with my husbands other wives, being eternally pregnant. Just to think about that concept is depressing! I'm certain than depression among women in the LDS church is rampant, and I feel that being free of the burden of constant pain and guilt will be one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. If I'm simply setting the stage for my daughters to reach their full potential, and for my sons to be better men, I will be very happy. I felt for years that I was never good enough in God's eyes, and that I would never be perfect enough to return to him someday. I was constantly afraid of death, and what my fate would be on the other side. I no longer have that fear. Living my life in fear was hell!
The challenge now is to move on to better things. We have attended a non-denominational Christian church several times, and enjoyed it a lot. We want to avoid any religion that is as authoritarian as the LDS church. My family now avoids me like the plague, and our LDS friends do the same. The idea that we could leave the church for something better is totally foreign to them. They are all convinced we want to leave so we can live a deviant lifestyle, and have an open marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. We don't ask for their approval, and if their love and friendship is so conditional, then we don't want that either. Our goal now is to un-Mormonize our mind and beliefs, and to put out faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We will be sending our letter this week to have our names removed.
I know this is long, but you have my permission to use it.
- E-Mail: author of this story - Sandy