         QUIETLY PUTTING A PRODUCT CALLED 'BEANO' TO THE SUPREME TEST
                by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist


          Recently I received a letter from a justice of the United States
     Supreme Court concerning a product called "Beano."

          I absolutely swear I am not making this up.  The letter, written
     on official US Supreme Court stationery, comes from Justice John Paul
     Stevens, who states:

          "Having long been concerned about the problem of exploding cows,
     it seemed imperative to pass on  to  you  the enclosed advertisement,
     the importance of which I am sure  will  be  immediately  apparent to
     you."

          Justice  Stevens  enclosed  an  advertisement from Cooking Light
     magazine  for  Beano, which, according to the manufacturer, "prevents
     the  gas from beans." The advertisement includes pro-Beano quotations
     from various  recognized  intestinal-gas authorities, including (I am
     still not making this up) The New York Times, The Idaho Statesman and
     Regis Philbin.  The  advertisement  calls  Beano  "a  scientific  and
     social breakthrough," and states:  "It's time to spill the Beano."

          I was already aware of  this  product.   I don't wish to toot my
     own horn, so to speak, but thanks to the efforts of hundreds of alert
     readers,  my  office  happens  to be the  World  Clearing  House  for
     information  relating  to  gas  buildups  that  cause  explosions  in
     animals,  plants,  plumbing,  humans,  etc.   In recent months,  I've
     received  newspaper  reports  of  explosions  involving a flounder, a
     marsmallow, a  mattress, two wine bottles, several pacemakers (during
     cremation), countless toilets,  a  flaming  cocktail called a "harbor
     light," chicken livers, snail eggs, a turkey, a tube of Poppin' Fresh
     Biscuits, a raccoon and a set of breast implants.

          So needless to say, many  readers  had  already alerted me about
     Beano.  Several of them had  sent  me  actual samples of Beano, which
     comes in a small plastic bottle, from  which  you  squirt  drops onto
     your  food.   But until I got Justice  Stevens'  letter,  I  had  not
     realized that this was a matter of concern in  the  highest levels of
     government.    When  you see the Supreme Court justices, they  always
     appear  to  be extremely solemn, if not actually deceased.  It  never
     occurs  to  you that, under those robes, they have digestive systems,
     too.   But  they  do,  as  can  be  seen  by a careful reading of the
     transcript of a recent court hearing:

          CHIEF JUSTICE REHNQUIST:  Is the court to understand, then, that
     the counsel's interpretation of  the  statute is.  ...All right!  Who
     sliced the Limburger?  (He glares at the other justices.)

          JUSTICE SCALIA:  Well, I  am not naming names, but I happened to
     be glancing at the liberal wing  of  the  court, and I definitely saw
     some robes billow, if you catch my drift.

          JUSTICE BLACKMUM:  Oh, sure, and I suppose the conservative wing
     doesn't sound like The All-Star Kazoo Band over  there.   My opinions
     are blowing off the bench.

          JUSTICE  O'CONNOR:    Oh  yeah?  Well why don't  you  take  your
     opinions and....

          This is bad for America.  We need our highest  judicial  body to
     stop  this  childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds  of
     weighty constitutional  issues that have absorbed the court in recent
     years, such as  whether  a city can legally force an exotic dancer to
     cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.

          So I decided, as  a tax-deductible public service, to do a Beano
     Field Test.  To make  sure  the  test  was  legally  valid, I asked a
     friend of mine, Paul Levine, who's  a  trained attorney as well as an
     author, if he'd participate.  Paul is  a selfless, concerned citizen,
     so I was not surprised at his answer.

          "Only  if  you  mention that my critically acclaimed  novel  'To
     Speak for the Dead' is now available in paperback," he said.

          "I'm  afraid  I  can't do that," I said.   But  Paul  agreed  to
     participate  in  the Field Test anyway, because that is the  kind  of
     American he is.  My wife, Beth, also agreed to participate,  although
     I  want  to stress that, being a woman, she has never, ever,  in  her
     entire  life, not  once,  produced  any  kind  of  gaseous  digestive
     byproduct, and when she does she blames it on the dogs.

          To make this the  most demanding field test possible, we went to
     a Mexican restaurant.  Mexican  restaurants  slip  high-octane  beans
     into virtually everything they serve, including  breath mints.  It is
     not by mere chance that most of Mexico is located outdoors.

          Paul, Beth and I applied the Beano  to  our  food  as directed -
     three to eight drops per serving - and  we  ate  it.  For the rest of
     the  evening,  we  wandered  around to various night spots,  awaiting
     developments.  Other people at these night spots were probably having
     exciting, romantic conversations, but ours went like this:

          ME:  So!  How's everyone doing?

          BETH:  All quiet!

          PAUL:  Not a snap, crackle or pop!

          Anyway,  the  bottom  (Har!)  line  is  that Beano seems to work
     pretty  well.    Paul reported the next day that all had been  fairly
     calm,  although  at  3:30 a.m.  he was awakened by an outburst.  "You
     are familiar  with  the  Uzi?"  was  how he put it.  I myself was far
     safer than usual  to light a match around, and Beth reported that the
     dogs had been unusually quiet.

          So this could be  an important product.  Maybe, when you go to a
     restaurant, if you order certain foods, the waiter should bring Beano
     to  your  table, instead of those  stupid  utility-pole-sized  pepper
     grinders.  "Care for some Beano?" the  waiter  could say.  "Trust me,
     you'll need it."

          And getting back to Justice Stevens' original concern,  I  think
     federal  helicopters should spray massive quantities of Beano on  the
     nation's  dairy  farms,  to reduce the cow methane output.   And,  of
     course,  it  should  be  mandatory in the dining rooms of the  United
     States Congress.  I'm sure the Supreme Court will back me up on this.
