From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 12 Apr 1994 to 13 Apr 1994 - Special issue
Date: Wednesday, April 13, 1994 8:00PM

There are 20 messages totalling 1007 lines in this issue.

Topics in this special issue:

  1. Top Ten List for 4/11/94 (11/17/93)
  2. Humor: Health Care (risque)
  3. Humor: Utilitarian Dilemma (clean)
  4. spoonerisms, w/mild ethnicity
  5. Too many to list; see first paragraph of body
  6. Humor: Walked into a bar joke & Bobbitt's phone #
  7. Fegg!: Anthems <not sick>
  8. RUDE!
  9. 4 Gynecological jokes <offensive to people without willies>
 10. Take it Away!
 11. 4 Condom jokes <offensive to people WITH willies>
 12. Humor: The sex life of an electron (oh so vaguely risque)
 13. World's End <poetic humor>
 14. Famous people postulate why that chicken crossed the road.
 15. How To Be A Clever Film Critic <may be off. to film critics>
 16. elephant joke, midly offensive
 17. Life  4.4    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 9 Jan 89
 18. computer humor.  Non-offensive
 19. Car Names Explained. <ethnic, crude&nasty>
 20. short jokes (some dirty)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 12 Apr 1994 18:31:00 EST
From:    "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 4/11/94 (11/17/93)

---> November 17, 1993 <---

==============================
Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses
==============================

10. Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed
 9. Too much caffeine
 8. What can I say?  I love a good joke
 7. That's what he gets for hoggin' the remote control
 6. Took Bob Barker's constant "spaying and neutering" reminders to their
    logical conclusion
 5. I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed
 4. Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
 3. Fell asleep whittling in bed
 2. Was tired of playing "got your nose"
 1. Ginsumania!

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 02:00:34 -0400
From:    TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Health Care (risque)

A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office.  "Will you watch us have
sexual intercourse?" the man asked.  The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When they had finished he said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you
have intercourse," and charged them $40.  This happened several weeks in a
row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor
and leave.  Finally, the doctor asked, "What exactly are you trying to find
out?"  The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.  She's
married and we can't go to her house.  I'm married and we can't go to
mine.  Holiday Inn charges $87. We do it here for $40 and I get $38 back
from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 02:01:53 -0400
From:    TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Utilitarian Dilemma (clean)

               STS 110 Ethics and Public Policy Exam II
                          March 16, 1993-94
                           Prof. R. McGinn

                      ESSAY QUESTION (30 points)

 INSTRUCTIONS:  making abundant use of course materials, compose a closely
reasoned essay answering the following question bearing on one of the
course's central themes (ethics and technology).  Limit:  6 Blue Book sides.

 Consider the following case:

On Twin Earth, a brain in a vat is at the wheel of a runaway trolley. There
are only two options that the brain can take:  the right side of the fork
in the track or the left side of the fork.  There is no way in sight of
derailing or stopping the trolley and the brain is aware of this, for the
brain -- unlike Bo -- knows trolleys.  The brain is causally hooked up to the
trolley such that the brain can determine the course which the trolley will
take. On the right side of the track there is a single railroad worker, Jones,
who will definitely be killed if the brain steers the trolley to the right.
If  the railman on the right lives, he will go on to kill five men for the
sake of killing them, but in doing so will inadvertently save the lives of
thirty orphans (one of the five men he will kill is planning to destroy a
bridge that the orphan's bus will be crossing later that night).  One of the
orphans that will be killed would grow up to become a tyrant who would make
good, utilitarian men do bad things, another would grow up to become John
Sununu, while a third would invent the pop-top can.  If the brain in the vat
chooses the left side of the track, the trolley will definitely hit and kill a
railman on the left side of the track, "Leftie," and will hit and destroy ten
beating hearts on the track that could (and would) have been transplanted into
ten patients in the local hospital that will die without donor hearts.  These
are the only hearts available, and the brain is aware of this, for the brain
knows hearts.  If the railman on the left side of the track lives, he too will
kill five men, in fact the same five that the railman on the right would kill.
 However, "Leftie" will kill the five as an unintended consequence of saving
ten men:  he will inadvertently kill the five men rushing the ten hearts to
the local hospital for transplantation.  A further result of "Leftie's" act
would be that the busload of orphans will be spared.  Among the five men
killed by "Leftie" are both the man responsible for putting the brain at the
controls of the trolley, and the author of this example.  If the ten hearts
and "Leftie" are killed by the trolley, the ten prospective heart-transplant
patients will die and their kidneys will be used to save the lives of twenty
kidney-transplant patients, one of whom will grow up to cure cancer and one of
whom will grow up to be Hitler.  There are other kidneys and dialysis machines
available, however the brain does not know kidneys, and this is not a factor.
   Assume that the brain's choice, whatever it turns out to be, will serve as
an  example to other brains-in-vats and so the effects of its decision will be
amplified.  Also assume that if the brain chooses the right side of the fork,
an unjust war free of war crimes will ensue, while if the brain chooses the
left fork, a just war fraught with war crimes will result.  Furthermore, there
is an intermittently active Cartesian demon deceiving the brain such that the
brain is never sure if it is being deceived

 QUESTION:  Ethically speaking, what should the brain do?  Justify your
answer.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 02:47:48 EDT
From:    Adina Sobo <adinas@AOL.COM>
Subject: spoonerisms, w/mild ethnicity

     You may have heard the story about the ruler of a small island country
who was so amazed by all of the
exotic European customs that he saw from visiting sailors that he took up
several as hobbies.  He saw, for
example, that the sailors threw rocks at the various shore birds, often
competing with each other to see
who could hit the most sea-birds.  He was soon good enough to leave no tern
un-stoned.
     Another ship, full of scientists and explorers,  were going about
painting various native animals and
plants to record their journeys.  The king quickly learned these skills, and
amused himself by painting
large groups of baboons and mandrills, taking care to leave no stern
un-toned.
     Time passed, and the king and his subjects became quite friendly with
the crews of ships which stopped
at their island on a regular basis.  After a time, one ship invited a party
of native folk to come over to have
a party.  The king was very impressed by the way in which the sailors stowed
various items out of the way
by putting them in nets and hanging them from the rafters.  It occurred to
him that it would be a wonderful
way to create more floor space in his own home.
     The next day, the king supervised a number of the islanders as they used
vines to suspend his furniture
from the rafters.  Most of his furniture was lightweight wood, but there was
one exception -- a carved
mahogany throne he had ordered after seeing a photograph of Queen Victoria
seated in a similar chair.
The first few times that he and his helpers tried to raise the throne, the
vines snapped, so he borrowed a
block-and-tackle from his sailor friends.  The throne was finally up near the
rafters when disaster struck --
the main supporting beam of the King's long house snapped under the throne's
weight, and the entire
building collapsed on the crew and their Ruler.  Luckily, the buildings
primary material was bundles of
sedges and grasses, and no-one was seriously injured.
    The King did learn one important lesson from this calamity:
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 01:23:40 -0600
From:    Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject: Too many to list; see first paragraph of body

  funny       |     very crude   |   dumb    |  might be interesting
funny cartoon, cowboy/blond joke, blond joke, starting of poopie list

Before I start, some initial results of the survey/poll.
So far,  "keep 'em comin"=56    &    "get rid of 'em"=7
On an interesting note, 76.8% of the yes's are males, 12.5% are females
and the other 10.7%, I had no clue as to gender. (Sorry, didn't do the
no's, but most were male.)


I have another Frank & Earnest cartoon that I found rather funny and fits
me to a tee. In it is a picture of Frank standing next to a big wall with
a sign on the wall. On the sign is a list of "Things to do Tomorrow"
        1. Get up at the crack of dawn.
        2. Stuff the crack.
        3. Go back to bed.


Q:  What is the difference between a blond rodeo queen and a can of chew?
A:  You can only fit three fingers in a can of chew.


Q:  What do you call a blond up in a tree wearing a suit and carrying a
    brief case?
A:  A branch manager . . .


The starting of the poopie list:
        ghost poopie:  the kind where you feel the poopie come
                out, but there isn't anything in the toilet.
        clean poopie:  the kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
                toilet, but there is nothing on the TP.
        wet poopie:  the kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it
                still feels unwiped, so you have to put a piece of
                TP between your undies and your ass so you won't
                ruin them with a stain.
        second-wave poopie:  it happens when your done poopiing and you
                have pulled up your pants and you realize
                that you have to poopie some more.
        pop-a-vein in your forehead poopie:  the kind where you strain
                so much to get it out, you practically have a
                stroke.
        Richard Simmons poopie:  you poopie so much that you loose
                30 pounds.
        Lincoln Log poopie:  the kind of poopie that is so huge, you're
                afraid to flush without breaking it into
                little pieces with the toilet brush.

Part two next time. . . and more results as they come in. So far, only had
76 messages this morning, not too bad, so 'keep 'em coming'.

Jess

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 09:01:02 EST
From:    Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor: Walked into a bar joke & Bobbitt's phone #

A man walks into a bar.

The other 2 duck.



What happens when you call 1-800-BOBBITT?

You get CUT OFF!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 09:17:11 EDT
From:    Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Fegg!: Anthems <not sick>

From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_
1974, 1975, 1984: Terry Jones & Michael Palin
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

=== Article: Anthems ===

Dr. Fegg has only ever written one national anthem. Here it is, reproduced for
the first time. Dr. Fegg would like to remind all his readers that he has not
yet been paid for it.

-The Gambian National Anthem-

Gambia, Oh Gambia,
Though only small and thin,
When it comes to being called Gambia,
You are the one to win.

Your capital is Bathurst
A name that means so much
To you who live in Gambia,
Though less so to the Dutch.

Gambia, where men are men
And trees fit in the ground.
The one six-lettered nation
Where Gambians abound!

Gambians! O Gambians!
Though your country is so thin
And most of it a river
It's the place that you live in.

From mountains down to flat bits,
Ring out your anthem great,
Though now you're part of Senegal
The words are out of date.

          -Bertram Wesley Fegg DD

WARNING: Humming of this anthem, even to oneself, renders the reader liable
for royalty payments. These should be sent to Dr. Fegg personally and *not*,
repeat *not* to the chisellers at the Gambian embassy.

::Note::
Many people ask: What is Dr. Fegg a doctor *of*? Well, without going
into specifics Dr. Fegg has tried his hand at many things in his time.
His is the sort of mind that can encompass deck chair repairing,
sweeping, billposting and the buying and selling of cars with one
previous owner. So it is perhaps unfair and irrelevant to confine his
extraordinary talents to the mundane world of labels and categories.
Dr. Fegg *has* delivered babies, but only during the busy pre-Christmas
period when the Post Office can't cope. And Dr. Fegg has done brain
surgery-- though *never*, repeat *never* in the Bournemouth area.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 15:51:22 GMT-2
From:    "Alon D. Ucko" <Z9469524@NORTON.CTECH.AC.ZA>
Subject: RUDE!

Hey all you humor contributors, hear this.

There is a long definition of humor I read somewhere which is to
involved and boring to re-type, but the bottom line is, if your joke
isn't likely to piss someone off, then it probably isn't funny!
So, lets try and be a little less <risque> and get a little more
SICK, FILTHY and DOWNRIGHT OFFENSIVE!. If we don't all try harder,
this will soon be the humorless group.

Try this RUDE! one for size.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between your penis and your bonus?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 15:22:12 BST
From:    Adam BJ Quantrill <adam@KBSS.BT.CO.UK>
Subject: 4 Gynecological jokes <offensive to people without willies>

The glove has been cast down! Let me kick off with four
gynacological jokes [these have been gleaned off the intenet by
a friend, so apologies if you've seen them elsewhere]:


<tame>

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

<risque'>


   A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he
planned to specialize in gynecology. When she asked him why he chose
gynecology,
he said simply, "There are lots of openings."

<more risque'>


   One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife
on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns over and says, "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh."
   The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
   This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow
too?."


<downright offensive>

What animal has a cunt half way up it's back?

.

A police horse!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 14:00:55 U
From:    "Sander, Neville" <neville_sander@MCLPRISM.CO.UK>
Subject: Take it Away!

For all of you that like chinese puzzles:

Q. Which is the odd number out from 18 23 47 54 and 58?

A. 54 of course, all the others come with rice.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 15:33:14 BST
From:    Adam BJ Quantrill <adam@KBSS.BT.CO.UK>
Subject: 4 Condom jokes <offensive to people WITH willies>

I'm on a roll now!

<weak>


  This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing,
and
my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
   "What do you want?"
   "Well, it's a hot date, man.  A sure thing?  You know..."
   "What do you want?"
   "I need some protection, alright??!?!"
   "What size?"
   "Size?  I dunno...  Whatever is considered average I guess."
   "That'll be $2.35 including tax."
   "Tacks?  Tacks?  I thought they stayed on by themselves!"


<better - f word>

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady
pharmacist is filling prescriptions.  When she finally gets around to helping
him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please".  With a surprised look on her face
the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?!  Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make
it 100".


<risque'>

   A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms.  As soon as he
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
   The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit
to
bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man
returns, to follow him.
   Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions
once
more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
   "So did you follow him?"
    "I did."
   "And...where did he go?"
   "Over to your house..."


<errr...>

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by
stuffing the pack into a condom.  She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some
up.
The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said,
"I'm
not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted.


P.S. JSTONE - give me an email! What has happened to your site?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 10:57:26 -0400
From:    TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject: Humor: The sex life of an electron (oh so vaguely risque)

                        The Sex Life of an Electron

        One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to
get a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Millie Amp and
took her for a ride on his megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge,
around the sine wave, and into a magnetic field next to a flowing current.

        Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curve, soon
had her field fully excited and he couldn't resistor.  He laid her on the
ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled
out his high voltage probe.  He inserted it in parallel and began to short
circuit her shunt.

        Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, "Mho, Mho.  Give me Mho!"

        "Ohmigod, this is good," shouted Micro.  With his tube at maximum
output and her coil vibrating from current flow, her shunt soon reached
maximum heat.

        The excess heat had gotten her shunt pretty hot and Micro's
capacitance was rapidly discharging, ... draining off every electron.
They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until Micro's
bar magnet had lost all of it's field strength.

        Afterward, Millie tried self-inductance and damaged her solenoid.
But it didn't phasor.  With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was
unable to excite his transformer.  So they ended up by reversing polarity,
and blowing each other's fuses.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 12:34:56 EST
From:    Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: World's End <poetic humor>

World's End by John Ashbery

Sometimes it's more time than we care to be,
with the others. Sometimes it's interesting.
I can only tell you how to stop things happening.

Life is legendary. We're very bullish
on life. Dogs and other lives
convince us life is dog-cheap.

The future is a ghost. The past,
it says here, is an automated mannikin.
Not death, one of his plenipotentiaries.

Sea in my regards,
this life is lit
with all the sleep it can absorb.

I used to shuffle a lot. Someday
with luck I'll make it to the newstand
and buy some cherries, greet old friends.


*Printed in the New Yorker, p. 88, 28 February 1994*

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 13:25:48 -0400
From:    gwen eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Famous people postulate why that chicken crossed the road.

Famous people postulate why that chicken crossed the road.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored)
reason.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp.  What chicken?

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.

Groucho Marx: Chicken?  What's all this talk about chicken?  Why, I had an
uncle who thought he was a chicken.  My aunt almost divorced him, but we
needed the eggs.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning proprely.
Ah canna work miracles, captain!

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted
the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of
which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?  He's into that
kind of thing, you know.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which
thank goodness are good, dahling.

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Epicurus: For fun.

TS Eliot revisited: Do I dare to cross the road?

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out
of life

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop
its forward momentum.

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for
it to cross.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776.
But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during
the duration.

Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost.
The chicken would be lost!

Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 09:24:41 PDT
From:    Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject: How To Be A Clever Film Critic <may be off. to film critics>

Text item: Text_1

     This edition of HUMOR brought to you by...
                  MATT GROENING AND HIS "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO BE A CLEVER FILM CRITIC?
     |_| Did you have no friends as a child?
     |_| Do you salivate at the smell of stale popcorn?
     |_| Do you thrill at the prospect of spending a career writing
         in-depth analyses of movies aimed at subliterate 15-year-olds?
     |_| Do you mind being loathed for your clever opinions?
     HOW TO PAD OUT A CLEVER FILM REVIEW WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO
     SAY:   |_| Recount the plot
            |_| Throw in gratuitous puns
            |_| Write about yourself
     FOR ADVANCED FILM CRITICS ONLY!
     Can you use "mise-en-scene" in a review that anyone will finish
     reading?
     DEVELOP A CLEVER RATING SYSTEM THAT REDUCES YOUR CRITIQUES TO CUTE 'N'
     EASY CONSUMER GUIDES
     ***       Stars are fun!
     9 1/2     Numbers are in!
     :) :) :)  How about smileys?
     $$$$      Or dollar signs??
     ??????????????DON'T FORGET CINEMA'S GREATEST PARADOX??????????????????
     The French are funny, sex is funny, and comedies are funny.
            YET NO FRENCH SEX COMEDIES ARE FUNNY.
     THE 4 TYPES OF CLEVER FILM CRITICS (Which do you aspire to be?)
     - ACADEMIC TYPE: boring, unreadable
     - SERIOUS TYPE: reveals endings
     - DAILY TYPE: nice plot summaries
     - TV CLOWN: nice sweaters
     CLEVER WORDS TO USE IN REVIEWS SO AS TO ENSURE YOU WILL BE QUOTED IN
     FILM ADS (pick one from column A and one from column B):
               -COLUMN A-             |            -COLUMN B-
                adverbs               |            adjectives
     ---------------------------------|------------------------------------
                richly                |             haunting
              marvelously             |             touching
              wonderfully             |             absorbing
                 oddly                |             evocative
             provocatively            |             compelling
              refreshingly            |              elegant
               stunningly             |              original
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     And don't forget these handy phrases:
                                "I loved it!"
                                "It sizzles!"
                              "...great fun..."
                               "A masterpiece!"
     IF YOU CAN'T BE A CLEVER FILM CRITIC, MAYBE YOU CAN BE:
     |_| A sniveling cinema enthusiast who actually tries to talk like a
         clever film critic in casual conversation
     |_| A film buff so devoted to the medium that you have opinions of
         movies you haven't seen
     |_| One of those squeakers who writes irate letters to clever film
          critics
     ______________________________________________________________________
     Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 14:15:01 -0400
From:    Doug Austin <austind@GOV.ON.CA>
Subject: elephant joke, midly offensive

For serious joke tellers, this story can be embellished.  For this list, I
have capsulized it.

Man is in car accident.  His penis must be amputated.  One option offered
the man by his doctor is a bold new experimental operation whereby the
trunk of a baby elephant will replace his lost member.  The man is
skeptical but goes ahead with it.
The operation is a success.  After some time passes, the doctor is
doing some follow-up questioning.
"How is the new attachment?" asks the doctor.
"It seems okay, but taking a leak outside is out of the question these
days!", replies the man.
The doctor thinks this is a strange response and asks the man to explain.

Here's the punch line.....don't screw it up.

"Everytime I try, my penis grabs some grass and tries to stuff it up my
ass!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 11:25:22 PDT
From:    HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life  4.4    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 9 Jan 89

----------------------------------------------------

    A Russian man loses his pet parrot.  He looks everywhere, all around the
neighbourhood, in the park, everywhere.  He just can't find the parrot.
Finally, he goes around to the local KGB office, and tells the desk officer
his problem.
    The desk officer is a little puzzled.  "Look comrade, I'm sorry you lost
your pet, but this is the KGB.  We don't handle missing animal reports."
    "Oh, I know that", says the man.  "I just wanted you to know, if you do
happen to find my parrot -- I don't know where he could have picked up his
political ideas."

----------------------------------------------------

     This week in the Rochester D&C newspaper there was a related article
about
a lawsuit brought by a woman who broke her back while sledding with her
children
at Ellison Park.
     Fortunately she did not win a big award, but to me any award in a
miscarriage of justice.  She won a few thousand dollars since the jury found
that the park should have been posted with warning signs of some sort!
     Any intelligent adult should know the risks of riding down a bumpy hill
at
a high rate of speed on a sheet of flimsy plastic, without having a sign to
warn them!!
     Before you know it we will find awards going to illiterate people who sue
that the signs are not sufficient since they can't read them!

----------------------------------------------------

The Seybold Report on Publishing Systems, 9/29/88, P. 20:

At the beginning of this article I mentioned some of the pivotal technologies
that the Chinese had invented, sometimes centuries before they appeared
elsewhere.
 Another hundred inventions, all profoundly contributive to the progress
of humanity, could have been mentioned.  What caused this brilliant creativity
and innovation to dim around the 12th century and not brighten again?  Most
Sinologists ascribe this cessation to the oppressive burden of an
ever-burgeoning
Chinese bureaucracy that finally permeated the smallest details of the
citizenry's
daily existence and crushed the ingenious spirit of the entire society.

----------------------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 13:26:43 -0600
From:    Pauline Pantel <$PANTELPM@BRANDONU.CA>
Subject: computer humor.  Non-offensive

This message has been forwarded through several people before it got to
us....

==========

 This is an article from the Wall Street Journal (which had been forwarded)

 BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO
BASIC

 AUSTIN, Texas -  The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get
 her new Dell computer to turn on.  Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
 technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the
 woman what happened when she pushed the power button.

 "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
 woman replied.  "Foot pedal?" the technician asked.  "Yes," the woman
 said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch."  The "foot
 pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device
 that helps to control the computer's operations.

 Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech
 world out there.  While they are finally having great success selling
 PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors
 and disk drives are a foreign as another language.

 "It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not
 know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field
 consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here.  "It's going into unfamiliar
 territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and
 training for Compaq Computer Corp.  "People are looking for a comfort
 level."

 Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies
 needing help on complex problems.  But now, with computer sales to homes
 exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say
 that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices.  Partly
 because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started
 charging help-line users.

 The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by
 opening the manual that comes with every machine.  One woman called Dell's
 toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop.  When
 told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve
 Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily,
 "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book."

 Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone
 is at hand.  "If there is a book and a phone and they're side by side,
 the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin, manager of
 service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif.  "It's a
 phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people."

 And do they ever.  Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated
 by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related
 by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her
 brand new Contura would not work.  She said she had unpacked the unit,
 plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
 something to happen.  When asked what happened when she pressed the
 power switch, she asked, 'What power switch?'"

 Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users.  So many people have
 called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
 screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return
 Key."

 Some people can't figure out the mouse.  Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
 support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
 to control with the "dust cover" on.  The cover turned out to be the
 plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.  Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
 says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
 all the while clicking madly.  The customer got no response because the
 mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.

 Disk drives are another bugaboo.  Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says
 a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his
 old diskettes.  After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
 diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with
 the diskette.  The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,
 roll it into the typewriter..."

 At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request
 that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk.  A letter from the
 customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy.
 And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
 back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on,"
 the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
 door to his room.  The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.

 The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling.  A Dell
 customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
 After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
 was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
 screen and hitting the "send" key.

 Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
 technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead.  "Yeah, I got me
 a couple of friends," the customer replied.  When told Egghead was a
 software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
 couple of geeks."

 No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging
 parts beyond repair.  A Dell customer called to complain that his
 keyboard no longer worked.  He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his
 tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then
 removing all the keys and washing them individually.

 Computers make some people paranoid.  A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara,
 says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had
 told him he was bad and an invalid."  Mr. Vergara patiently explained
 that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be
 taken personally.

 These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on
 the role of amateur psychologists.  Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who
 once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic
 fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the
 man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.

 There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it
 happens to be a computer techie.  One man from New Hampshire calls Dell
 every time he experiences a life crisis.  He gets a technician to walk
 him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling
 uplifted by the process.

 "A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.



                ---Pauline & Sherianne---

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 14:53:00 CST
From:    DANRICH SCOT <ACSLABSAD@ORION.DEPAUL.EDU>
Subject: Car Names Explained. <ethnic, crude&nasty>

I got this from another Lab attendant at work, but can't remember
who.

          *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


                       :::::::CARS:::::::

GM-  General Maintenance
FORD-  Fix Or Repair Daily
FIAT-  Fix It Again, Tony!
TOYOTA-  Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto


BMW       Babbling Mechanical Wench
BMW       Beastly Monsterous Wonder
BMW       Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels
BMW       Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
BMW       Big Money Waste
BMW       Big Money Works
BMW       Blastphemous Motorized Wreck
BMW       Born Moderately Wealthy.
BMW       Break My Windows
BMW       Broken Money Waster
BMW       Broken Monsterous Wonder
BMW       Brutal Money Waster
BMW       Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
BMW       Boring Monotonous Wanker

Buick          Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Buick          Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Buick          Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer

Chevrolet      Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended
Trips.
Chevy          Charged Heavily
Chevy          Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

Dodge          Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dodge          Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere

Fiat      F**king Italian Attempt (at) Transportation.
Fiat      Failure in Automotive Technology
Fiat      Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fiat      Fix It Again Tony?

Ford      F**ked over rebuilt Dodge
Ford      F**ker Only Runs Downhill
Ford      F*cked on Race Day
Ford      First On Recall Day
Ford      First on race day
Ford      Fix Or Repair Daily
Ford      Found on road dead
Ford      Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's

GMC       Garage Man's Companion
GMC       Generally Mediocre Cars
GMC       Get More Chicks
GMC       Got More Crap

Mopar          Most Often Passed At Races
Mopar          Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mopar          Mostly Old Paint And Rust

Plymouth  Please Let Your Mother Out <from> Under The Hood!
Plymouth  P***y Lips In Your MOUTH

SAAB      Stupid, Arrogant A***ole Babies
SAAB      Such an arrogant bastard!
SAAB      Swedish Automobile - Always Broken

          *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


                      -= Scot A. Danrich =-
                   (acslabsad@orion.depaul.edu)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 16:00:13 CDT
From:    Brian Gill <C522715@MIZZOU1.BITNET>
Subject: short jokes (some dirty)

Two rubbers walk passed a gay bar.
One looks at the other and says Hey what do you say we go get shit faced!


There is a hot tub full of queers.
A condom suddenly appears floating around.
One guy finally pipes up and asks Who Farted?


What does Hillary Clinton do every morning after shaving her pussy?
She sends him to work!


This horse walks into a bar and sits down.
Bartender asks Hey why the long face?


Got to go after that one!!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Apr 1994 to 13 Apr 1994 - Special issue
****************************************************************

