From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1994
Date: Thursday, April 14, 1994 12:00AM

There are 9 messages totalling 245 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Australian Trip
  2. Difference twixt IBM and Jurassic Park? (clean)
  3. Almanac humor: Gallows humor - a special favor
  4. Alzheimer's joke
  5. From our 'You can't do that!' department...
  6. Math humor: To catch a lion <part 2 of 5>
  7. Book review of the Gospels <profane>
  8. Top Ten List for 4/12/94 (11/10/93)
  9. Trendy Pastor

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Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 16:53:54 EDT
From:    Janice Calder <CALDER@ADMIN.HUMBERC.ON.CA>
Subject: Australian Trip

An English couple,Reginald and Martha were on a trip to Australia.
Reginald decided he wanted to go hunting so he hired himself a pigmy
guide. They were looking for game in the outback but not having much
luck when finally Reginald spotted a very large snake. He took aim and
just as he fired the pigmy stood up from behind a bush. The bullet went
clean through the pigmy and into the snake, thereby killing them both.
Reginald now was in a dilemma he knew he would only be able to carry one
of them back. After some deliberation he decide to take his prize back
home. When he got back and relayed the story to Martha whe was agast.
Oh, Reginald, she said, I wish you had of brought back the pigmy as well
them we could have had snake and pigmy pie..............

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Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 18:52:26 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Difference twixt IBM and Jurassic Park? (clean)

What Is The Difference Between Jurassic Park (sp) and IBM?


One is a theme park with mechanical monsters that terrify the customers.
The other is a movie.

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Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 16:01:48 EST
From:    Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Almanac humor: Gallows humor - a special favor

As a pretty large number of culprits were going to take their last
degree at Tyburn, the wife of one of them pressed through the crowd,
and told the sheriff she had come to see her poor husband executed,
and begged that he might be hanged first in the morning, as she had
great ways to go home. (The New York, Connecticut, and New Jersey
Almanack for 1799)


Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.

Tyburn Hill at London was once the place of public executions.

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Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 19:33:20 -0400
From:    Lloyd Abrams <labrams@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Alzheimer's joke

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?

...You get to meet new people every day.

                  (I don't remember having seen this posted.)

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Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 19:40:39 -0400
From:    Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject: From our 'You can't do that!' department...

From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----

A Florida Sheriff was told to shut down the lab he was operating to make
Crack Cocaine.  The Sheriff stated that the county hadn't siezed any and
thus he was unable to perform sting operations.  This explanation, it
said, did not justify the Sheriff in operating a crack cocaine lab to
manufacture the material needed to make the product used in sting arrests.

----------------

A man's attorney was trying to represent his client who was charged with
knowingly mailing obscene material.  He asked the prosecutor for the
Justice Department to let him see the material in question.  The prosecutor
had a copy of the material made, and mailed it to the attorney.

---
Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <randy@psg.com>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 22:32:31 EST
From:    Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Math humor: To catch a lion <part 2 of 5>

(I don't know the author of the following article. I believe I downloaded it
from ALT.HUMOR.FUNNY. I am posting this humor in small lots, so you can enjoy
it. I no longer have, nor do I want the complete file. Please do not ask me to
send previous part of this set to you. HUMOR has an archive. Send the
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command INDEX HUMOR and you can download the LOGs
which contain the various solution to this important problem. :-)

Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

1. Mathematical Methods

(1.1 - 1.5 in part 1)

1.6 The Peano method

In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
desert.  It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in
arbitrarily short time.  Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear,
in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to
its own length.

1.7 A topological method

We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus.
We embed the desert in a four dimensional space.  Then it is possible
to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning
to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself.  It is then
completely helpless.

1.8 The Cauchy method

We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage.  Consider
the integral

          1    [   f(z)
       ------- I --------- dz
       2 \pi i ] z - \zeta

               C

where C represents the boundary of the desert.  Its value is f(zeta),
i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3].

1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method

We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity),
whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere.  We put this lion somewhere
in the desert.  L_0 then converges toward our cage.  According to the
general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge
toward the same cage.  (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily
close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].)

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Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 22:39:17 EDT
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Book review of the Gospels <profane>

From: monack@helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu (David N Monack)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books
Subject: Don't post Jane Eyre spoilers!

All these spoilers are p___ing me off. For instance, I was reading
a book called the Gospels (an inferior sequel to an old Hebrew series
called the Torah). I'm up to the part when their crucifying the Jesus
character, and some nut comes up to me and says, "Jesus died and rose
again. Hallelujah!" totally ruining the ending for me.

I found the ending a little disappointing anyway. He comes back to
life? How cheap. It's almost as bad as saying the whole thing was a
dream. I was hoping that that God character would send a few plagues
or turn Pontius Pilate into a pillar of salt or something. That's
exciting. That's drama. The moral is: Don't read sequels. (By the way,
I hear that this Mohammed guy has done a new version of the Bible
series called the Quran. I haven't read it yet, so don't nobody tell
me how it ends.)

Source:  alt.humor.best-of-usenet

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

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Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 19:52:00 EST
From:    "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 4/12/94 (11/10/93)

I forgot to mention this yesterday:  Dave is in reruns all week!  Here's the
list.

---> November 10, 1993 <---

===========================================
Top Ten Signs Ross Perot Is Losing His Mind
===========================================

10. Hired private detective to have himself followed
 9. Kept offering Larry King a chance to go through his pockets
 8. All he wants to do is get home and feed the chickens
 7. Since June, has had four hysterical pregnancies
 6. Started debate by rubbing Mexican flag between his legs
 5. His ears still flap, but no longer in unison
 4. Showed up for debate without Stockdale
 3. Now up to five haircuts a day
 2. Wants to be called Ross "Dice" Perot
 1. Announced his engagement to Whoopi

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

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Date:    Wed, 13 Apr 1994 23:03:50 EDT
From:    Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com!HOTOPP@UUNET.UU.NET>
Subject: Trendy Pastor

   A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he
decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from
surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty
pleased with the results. However, his wife was considerably less
enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church
and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not
gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed."

   The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was
right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was and
was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to
his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right
if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.

   A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member
of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent
sermon that Merle preached last week. I bet he must really be good at
it! <lewd wink>" And the pastor's wife replied, "Not really. He's only
tried it twice. The first time he lost his hat and the second time he
got seasick."

   Alternative punch lines include: "He only tried it twice, and
both times he fell off." or "He's one of the worst I've ever seen, but
he seems to enjoy it."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1994
*********************************

