From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1994 to 14 Apr 1994
Date: Friday, April 15, 1994 12:00AM

There are 20 messages totalling 817 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. HUMOR <offensive to clowns>
  2. Top 10 Pick-Up Lines for Christians
  3. <No subject given>
  4. The 'Match Game' Contest - Risque
  5. doctor joke <profanity>, priest joke <risque, offens. christians>
  6. Fegg: Anatomy <very sick humor>
  7. More Alzheimers humor (slightly offensive)
  8. HUMOR: (crude & Graphic) what kids do to parents!
  9. One day in the Jungle  <racist and crude>
 10. How To Face Up To Your First Job <derisive>
 11. HUMOR: Keep it simple
 12. Migrane Headaches  <profane>
 13. Urban Legends...
 14. Hunting Humor
 15. Math humor: To catch the lion problem <3 of 5>
 16. Humor: Tax time last year and the MacInTax program....
 17. The story of ice-beer <best-of-usenet>
 18. The Income Tax Song (offensive to IRS agents)
 19. Top Ten List for 4/13/94 (11/3/93)
 20. Match Game/Bathroom Humor (risque)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 00:03:49 -0500
From:    Ryan Hinch <rhinch@SUN.CIS.SMU.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR <offensive to clowns>

A young boy had always wanted to be a clown.  He always dreamed of one day
being the center of attention at the big top.  One afternoon his father
read in the newspaper that the Wringling Brothers Circus was coming to
town.  He knew what he had to do so he went and bought tickets for the
family.  The little boy was ecstatic.  On the day of the circus, he awoke
early and got everyone else up as well.  Also, they left hours befor the
circus was to start so they could get the best seats.  They did arrive
early, the first ones there, and got the best seats in the house right
down front in the middle.  They waited and finally the place filled up and
soon the circus began.  The elephants came in trunk to tail prancing
around the center ring, the trapese artists swung back and forth through
the air, and the lion tamer came in with the lions carrying his chair and
whip.  The show continued as the young boy's eyes glowed with excitement
while he watched.  Suddenly, the lights shut off and a few spot lights
began circling the arena.  Finally they came to a stop in the crowd right
in the middle.  The little boy was in the spot light!  The head clown
steps up to a microphone and yells, "Hey, look at that little boy with the
big ears!"  The young boy burst into tears as the crowd erupts into laughter.
His family packed up and they quickly left.

The boy grew up, graduated tops in high school, went to Harvard where he
also graduated at the top of his class, became a very prominent lawyer in
the U.S. and was a well-known speaker on the international level, as well.
Needless to say he was successful.  One afternoon while reading the paper,
he saw an ad for the Wringling Brothers Circus that was coming to town. He
knew what he had to do. He went and bought his family tickets. On the day
of the circus, they got up early, left way early and were the first ones
to arrive at the arena.  They grabbed their seats, the best in the house,
and waited for the place to fill up.  Eventually it did, and the circus
began. In came the elephants trunk to tail parading around the ring, the
trapese artists began swinging back and forth and flipping through the
air, and the lion tamer came in with his lions growling only carrying his
whip and chair.  The show continued as the man and his family watched with
enthusiasm.  Suddenly, the lights shut off.  A few spot lights began
circling the arena and finally came to a stop in the center.  The man was
again in the spot light.  The head clown walks up and picks up a
microphone and says, "Hey, look at that man with the  big ears!"  The
crowd bursts into laughter and the man stands up.  Everyone shuts up and
the place is dead silence.  The man raises his hand, points at the clown
and yells, "Fuck you clown! Fuck you!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 13:52:35 +0800
From:    Charles H Tidwell <ctidwell@HK.SUPER.NET>
Subject: Top 10 Pick-Up Lines for Christians

Lutheran humorist the Rev. Paul Lintern's Top 10 pick-up lines for a
Christian:

  10. Hi, this pew taken?
   9. My prayers are answered.
   8. What's a charismatic like you doing in a mainline place like this?
   7. How about we go over to my place for a little devotional?
   6. Hi, angel!
   5. Don't worry, I'm attracted to you purely in a spiritual way.
   4. I'm Episcopalian. What's YOUR sign?
   3. I think you're sitting on my Bible.
   2. Read any good Bible passages lately?
   1. So, worship here often?

taken from                                      forwarded by:
clari.news.religion                             Charles Tidwell
Copyright: 1994 by The Associated Press         Hong Kong

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 02:41:29 EDT
From:    Nic van der Vyver <zawlhc9h@IBMMAIL.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

Subject:

Subject : play on use of English (no offence)

There are some people in South Africa who prefer to be seen as
English speakers, despite the fact that their home language is the
lesser known "Afrikaans" (a purely local language, viewed by some as
the language of "the oppressors of the apartheid regime of the past")
However, some of these people have only a very rudimentary understanding
of English and a very poor English vocabulary.

Following is an entirely fabricated conversation playing on this point.

The scene is a male "Gatiep" in conversation with a female "Martha"-


Martha :  "Hi Gatiep.  Who is that man over there with the horn-rimmed
           testicles?"
Gatiep :  "Let me tell you.  He is a very important man.  In fact, he
           happens to be the rectum of the local church seminary"
Martha :  "Oh!  Please seduce me to him, man"
Gatiep :  "No Martha.  I can't do that.  You know, they say 'familiarity
           breeds conception'!"


______________________________________________________________________

(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)

Nico.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 02:56:09 -0400
From:    Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject: The 'Match Game' Contest - Risque

From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
Back during the 1970s, there was a TV show called 'The Match Game' in
which people were asked questions which had 'fill in the blanks' answers
which the answers were often risque or controvercial, such as:

The place my Fiancee proposed to me was 'BLANK'.

Some answers might have included 'At a restaurant' or 'On his knees'.
One contestant responded with 'in bed together'.

Another part of the game involved an 'open ended' question usually
starting with 'it was so...' such as "My school was so tough...', which
got a response of 'How tough was it?' and then 'It was so tough the
school paper had a BLANK'.

I'd like to solicit some MATCH GAME type questions and then see what
answers we get for them.  So I'll collect a bunch over the next few days
and see what questions I get, then send them into the list.

Please send your questions to

MATCH@TDR.COM

Here are some to start off the list:

I had to go the bathroom so bad...  (How bad was it?)
It was so bad my BLANK was/were turning brown!

That guy is so evil... (How evil is he?)
He's so evil he lowers the moral standing at a BLANK convention!

He's so old... (How old is he?)
He's so old even BLANK is younger!

---
Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <randy@psg.com>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 12:57:16 BST
From:    Adam BJ Quantrill <adam@KBSS.BT.CO.UK>
Subject: doctor joke <profanity>, priest joke <risque, offens. christians>

Sorry about the double posting yesterday. But is WAS two jokes on different
days to people in Krakatoa, east of Java! (Actually, Krakatoa is WEST of Java,
not a lot of people know that...) On with the jokes...


Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me.  Every night I get the uncontrollable
urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin.  Do you know
what's wrong with me?
   Doctor:  Yes...  You're fucking crackers.



   A woman starts dating a doctor.  Before too long, she becomes pregnant and
they don't know what to do.  About nine months later, just about the time she
is
going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland
infection.
   The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do.  After I've operated
on
the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
   "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
   "It's worth a try," he says.  So the doctor delivers the baby and then
operates on the priest.  After the operation he goes in to the priest and
says,
"Father, you're not going to believe this."
   "What?" says the priest.  "What happened?"
   "You gave birth to a child."
   "But that's impossible!"
   "I just did the operation," insists the doctor.  "It's a miracle!  Here's
your baby."
   About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his
son
the truth.  One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to
tell you.  I'm not your father."
   The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
   The priest replies, "I'm your mother.  The archbishop is your father."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 09:37:25 EDT
From:    Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Fegg: Anatomy <very sick humor>

From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_
1974, 1975, 1984: Terry Jones & Michael Palin
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

=== Article: Anatomy ===

ANATOMY (The Human Body)
The body comes in two parts. The top part and the bottom part. These two
parts are usually joined together by the "middle" making three parts
altogether, so the start of this paragraph is quite wrong. In certain
cases however this may be missing (see Magic: Sawing The Lady In Half).

THE HUMAN BODY

__The Top Half__

THE NOSE
The top half of the body is organized so that it is *behind* the nose.
This is important because if you're going to hit someone you might as
well hit the bit that's nearest, and that's usually the nose-- unless
they have their back to you in which case you can take your pick--
especially if you creep up on them.

THE HEAD
Immediately behind the nose is the head. Heads aren't much good for
anything really except putting in a box and forgetting about.
  They're too heavy to play football with, and tend to frighten off
visitors if stuck over the front door. (Also a head over your door is an
open invitation to the merciless hounds of the law.)

THE TORSO
This is definately the heaviest bit. It fills an entire suitcase and
practically pulls your arm off. Best to get a trolley if you're
travelling any distance with a torso. And don't keep your sandwiches in
the same suitcase, otherwise you might get a few odd glances when every
time you got to eat your lunch, it's like opening the Jonathan Miller
pop-up book. Also, if anyone *does* ask you what you've got in the
case-- keep off the mother-in-law jokes and just hit them (see 'Nose'
above).

THE ARM
Strictly speaking there should be two arms but I lost one. All right!
*You* try carrying two suitcases, one hat box and a carrier bagful 200
miles without dropping a few bits, especially when you've got to avoid
the ticket collector as well! It's lucky I didn't lose any of the legs.

__The Bottom Half__

THE LEG
All right! I *did* mislay one of the legs as well, but it could've
happened to anyone. I mean, *you* try dragging all that luggage with you
every time you need to go to the toilet to avoid the ticket inspector!

THE LEFT FOOT
This is the one to be careful of. Nothing is easier than to *think*
you've got the whole lot packed, only to find the left foot is dangling
out of the side, frightening all the kiddies.


REMEMBER, the Human Body is a wonderful thing, and it deserves a
decent-sized suitcase.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 09:16:11 CDT
From:    David <DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: More Alzheimers humor (slightly offensive)

there are other benefits to having Alzheimers than just meeting new people
everyday...

    You get to hide your own Easter eggs, buy your own Christmas and Birthday
    presents, and no one can blame you for forgetting your anniversary.

                                                       TTFN,

                                                        David

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 15:30:00 -0600
From:    LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <ROACHL@A1.UWSTOUT.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: (crude & Graphic) what kids do to parents!

My brother was blessed with a strange but
wonderful sense of humor at birth.  His
older sister (me) has done as much as
possible to further this.

When David was about 3 he took some silly
putty and rolled it in the a phalic shape.
He then unzipped his pants and let it hang
out of the zipper, took his children's
scissors and headed to the kitchen where
our mother was.

He walked into the kitchen, cutting off
little bits of the "penis" while saying;
"Look Mom!!".  She nearly had a stroke
thinking he was doing this to the real
thing!

He did this all one his own with no promting
from siblings.  He was the original Lorena
Bobbit in my book.

Laurie Roach
ROACHL@UWSTOUT.EDU

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 09:33:54 -0600
From:    Lawrence Fatteicher <fatteicher@SIAST.SK.CA>
Subject: One day in the Jungle  <racist and crude>

Just another small contirbution to the list...

-----
                        Explorers

One day in the jungle two African explorers are captured by African warriors.
The chief is talking to the two explorers.  Asks the younger one of the two
men what he would rather have BUNTA or DEATH.  The young guy thinks for a
minute and seeing that he is a young man and has a long life to look forward
to decides to take BUNTA.  Five warriors grab him, pull his pants off, tie him
to a stump with his butt up in the air and twenty-five warriors screw him in
the butt.

Upon seeing this the older explorer is mortified.  As he watches, they untie
the guy and he can barely walk and is in excruciating pain.  There is no way
he is going through that.  So when the chief turns to him asks BUNTA or DEATH,
he asks for DEATH.  The chief then raises his hands,  turns to the warriors,
and points to the old man, and shouts "DEATH BY BUNTA".

-----

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 09:42:00 PDT
From:    Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject: How To Face Up To Your First Job <derisive>

Text item: Text_1

     Taken from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL", at a rather apropos
     time...
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     "DON'T BE A FOOL, STAY IN SCHOOL."  How many times have you heard that
     wise old rhyme?  Plenty, we bet.  And there's a good reason.  School
     is good.  School is important.  School prepares you for the future.
     By sitting quietly in neat rows for long periods of time doing exactly
     what you are told in school, you are preparing to sit quietly in neat
     rows for long periods of time doing exactly what you are told as an
     adult.  And remember: "If you stay in school for years and years,
     you'll delay (for a while) your worst working fears."

     PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT.  That's right,  Work is not all gravy and
     bonus points.  At moments it can be frustrating, degrading, and
     downright irksome.  Do you know what top business leaders have to say
     about this?  "Tough beans, pal."  Think about it.

     WHAT KIND OF WORK DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
     Don't take this question lightly.  The answer could very well affect
     your entire future.  Do you take pleasure in adding up column after
     column of meaningless numbers, or is your idea of a good time wading
     through mountains of bureaucratic gibberish? ~ Do you enjoy utterly
     mindless heavy manual labor, or would you rather sit on your butt
     behind a desk for decades while your arteries harden and your muscles
     turn to mush? ~ Do you want to work in an office full of devious,
     bitter, nervous wrecks who all resent each other, or would you rather
     toil alone in a windowless room with no distractions and be watched by
     a security camera? ~ Do you enjoy being bullied by several small
     bosses, or would you rather be bullied by one big boss? ~ Are you
     willing to give up all your youthful wild dreams and soaring ambitions
     for a boring but secure job, or would you rather refrain from selling
     out and spend the rest of your life working at a series of worthless,
     marginal jobs with no future on the slim chance that someday your luck
     will miraculously change? [**I'm depressed now.**]

     THE SECRET OF SUCCESS:
     1. Get a job.
     2. Get a better job.
     3. Get an even better job.
       **repeat if necessary**
     ______________________________________________________________________
     Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 13:34:48 EDT
From:    Rockapella Fan <scullen@FSCVAX.FSC.MASS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Keep it simple

I took this from an advertisement I saw once in a book.  The company
was United Technologies.

        Keep it Simple

Strike three.
Get your hand off my knee.
You're overdrawn.
Your horse won.
Yes.
No.
You have the account.
Walk.
Don't walk.
Mother's dead.
Basic events
require simple language.
Idiosyncratically euphuistic
eccentricities are the
promulgators of
triturable abfuscation.
What did you do last night?
Enter into a meaningful
romantic involvement?
or
fall in love?
What did you have for
breakfast this morning?
The upper part of a hog's
hind leg with two oval
bodies encased in a shell
or
ham and eggs?
David Belasco, the great
American theatrical producer
once said, "If you can't
write your idea on the
back of my calling card,
you don't have a clear idea."


Shannon Cullen
scullen@fscvax.fsc.mass.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 13:42:16 -0500
From:    WHAT'S THAT BLUE THING DOING HERE? <STU_MLOGILVI@VAX1.ACS.JMU.EDU>
Subject: Migrane Headaches  <profane>

     Mr. Walker has had migraine headaches for the past couple of
years off and on.  Lately, however, the headaches have gotten
worse and worse.
     Finally, he could just not take it anymore.  He went to the
doctor to see if there was something, anything he could do.  The
doctor gave him a thorough examination and came up with a solution.
The doctor said, "Well, Mr. Walker, there is one known cure for the
type of migrane that you have.  I'm sorry, but the cure is for you
to have your penis removed."   Mr. Walker just could not believe it.
Well, he flat out refused the treatment.  "No way am I having my
manhood taken away over silly headaches."  And he went about his life.
     The migranes, however, only grew worse.  Every day Mr. Walker
toiled over whether or not he should have his penis removed to end
his excrutiating pain.  Finally, he could not take the pain any longer
and decided to have it removed.
     Seeing as it wasn't a hugely complicated surgical procedure,
he got to leave the hospital on the same day that it was removed.
Mr. Walker decided that this new predicament in his life was not going
to slow him down one bit.  So, that day he went out to do some nice
things for himself, to feel like a new man (no pun intended).  He
ate lunch at a very expensive restaurant and even bought himself that
new car he had been looking at.  Then he went to a very expensive
clothes shop to have a beautiful suit made for himself.  As the tailor
was measuring Mr. Walker for the suit, the tailor said that he had
a 16 neck.  "No," said Mr. Walker "my neck is size 14."  But the
tailor insisted, "I'm afraid that you are definitely a size 16 neck."
"Look, I've been wearing a size 14 for the last 10 years, I'm telling
you, my neck is a size 14."

      Said the tailor, "Well, you couldn't have worn a size 14.  If
you'd been wearing a size 14 neck, you would have been experiencing
tremendously painful migrane headaches."


      -Ogey       James Madison University      stu_mlogilvi@vax1.acs.jmu.edu

"One pill at the bottom is singing my favorite song, I know I must
investigate,
 I hope that I can sing along.  There is no time for metaphors cried the
little
 pill to me, he said 'Life is a placebo masquerading as a simile'..."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 10:46:00 PDT
From:    Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <jeffrh@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: Urban Legends...

<fwds are history>
 ------------------------------
[A fairly good response for a new rash of the "overcharged for
cookie recipe" from  Mrs. Fields/Neiman-Marcus/etc.  --spaf]

A few years ago I was touring the Jet Propulsion Lab and they showed
me a prototype of the Hubble Space Telescope.  "Pretty cool machine,
guys," I said, "but is there anyway us amateur astronomers can get in
on this kind of action?" They said yes, plans for the HST were
available through the gift shop.  "How much?" I asked.  They said
"Fifty." I said "Great!  Here's my American Express Plutonium Card!"

I picked up the plans and went home, happy as a clam, until I got my
American Express bill.  The total amount due was $50,119.00!  I
figured the $119 must have been from one of these Northwest student
ticket vouchers, but where was that $50,000 from?  Only then did I
realize that JPL had charged me, not fifty dollars, but fifty THOUSAND
dollars.  Boy was I mad.  But it was too late to return the plans and
get my fifty thousand dollars back, so I just chalked it up to
experience.  But now I'm getting my revenge... I asked the folks at
the JPL copyright office if I could give the plans out to all my
friends and they said, "Heck, why not?  What do we need with
royalties?  Tell the world!" So I've written up the key steps here.
Please post them to every bboard you can think of and mail them to all
your friends.  Remember, if you break the chain you'll get seven years
of bad sunspot interference.

You will need:

 1 launch vehicle.
 126 "Master Constructor" Erector Sets(tm).
 1 Radio Shack(tm) Pro-2001 scanner.
 1 2-meter block of glass.
 1 box of aluminum foil.
 4 sheets of #20 (coarse) sandpaper.
 4 sheets of #150 (fine) sandpaper.
 2 children's magnifying glasses.

 (optional) filters and instrumentation as needed.

Instructions:

 1. Using the erector sets, construct a superstructure capable of
    supporting a 2-meter mirror and whatever instrumentation you will
    be using.  Make sure that the superstructure can survive the
    G-forces during launch.  Don't be tempted to skimp on the nuts and
    bolts here.

 2. Using the #20 sandpaper, grind the block of glass until it takes
    on the shape of a convex mirror.  Be very careful in this step
    because if you get the shape wrong you'll have to start over
    again.  Use the #150 sandpaper to smooth out any irregularities
    and fix any minor problems with the focus.  Then melt the aluminum
    foil and vacuum deposit 1-2 atomic layers of aluminum on the
    surface of the mirror.  Mount the mirror in its place in the
    superstructure.

 3. Mount the children's magnifying glasses at the focal point of the
    mirror.  These will serve as an eyepiece for your instruments.

 4. Open the back of the Pro-2001 scanner.  There will be a 16-pin
    chip on the upper left of the circuit board labelled 1Y1169AV.
    Carefully clip out the fourth pin on the left and remove it from
    the chip.  This will convert your Pro-2001 scanner into the usually
    much more expensive Pro-2010 scanner with orbital transceiver
    capabilities.  Close the back of the scanner, check that the
    batteries are in place, mount it in the superstructure, and
    connect it to your instruments.

 5. Make one last check of everything and you're ready to launch!

This is a true story, every bit of it, I swear on my father's sister's
grave.  Even if it isn't, I hope that you get as much use and
enjoyment out of your home-built Hubble Space Telescope as I have from
mine!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 14:05:28 -0500
From:    Ryan Hinch <rhinch@SUN.CIS.SMU.EDU>
Subject: Hunting Humor

One day an old black man, whom we'll call Leroy, was sitting on the bank of a
river near a boat launch when a young country white man, named Jim, drives
up. Jim drops his little flat-bottom boat in the river and jumps in. Before he
can take off Leroy calls over to Jim, "Hey Jim. Where you going?"  Jim
answers, "I'm going duck hunting."  Leroy notices that he doesn't have any
equipment, or so it appears that way, so he asks, "What you gonna hunt
with?  You ain't got no guns or decoys in dat boat there."  "Well, I got
me a couple a rolls of duck tape." Leroy is confused by this and Jim sets
out. A few hours later Jim returns with a boat full of ducks. At least
twenty or thirty ducks were piled in the boat.
The next day Leroy was out on the river again when Jim arrives with his
little flat bottom boat. Leroy asks, "Going duck huntin again Jim?"  "No,
today I'm going huntin for nutra."  (For those of you who don't know, a
nutra is a small rodent type animal kind of like a beaver).  Leroy takes a
quick look at the boat and again asks, "What you gonna hunt with Jim. You
ain't got no guns in there."  Jim empties out his pockets and says, "Well,
I got me lots of nutra sweet here."  Leroy is again puzzled and Jim heads
out hunting.  A few hours later, Jim returns with a boat loaded down with
nutra.  There's at least thiry nutra piled up in the boat.
The next day ol Leroy is sitting on the edge of the river when Jim shows
up with his little flat bottom boat again.  "Well, Jim, you goin huntin
for nutra again?"  Jim says, "Naw, not today. All I's got with me today is
a bucket full of pussywillow over there."  Leroy's eyes light up as he
yells, "You just wait one minute while I grab my hat! I'm a comin' with ya!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 15:59:21 EST
From:    Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Math humor: To catch the lion problem <3 of 5>

(I don't know the author of the following article. I believe I downloaded it
from ALT.HUMOR.FUNNY. I am posting this humor in small lots, so you can enjoy
it. I no longer have, nor do I want the complete file. Please do not ask me to
send previous part of this set to you. HUMOR has an archive. Send the
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command INDEX HUMOR and you can download the LOGs
which contain the various solution to this important problem. :-)

Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

2 Theoretical Physics Methods

2.1 The Dirac method

We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
desert.  Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
are tame.  We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader.

2.2 The Schroedinger method

At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in
the cage.  Sit and wait.

2.3 The Quantum Measurement Method

We assume that the sex of the lion is _ab initio_ indeterminate.  The
wave function for the lion is hence a superposition of the gender
eigenstate for a lion and that for a lioness.  We lay these eigenstates
out flat on the ground and orthogonal to each other.  Since the (male)
lion has a distinctive mane, the measurement of sex can safely be made
from a distance, using binoculars.  The lion then collapses into one of
the eigenstates, which is rolled up and placed inside the cage.

2.4 The nuclear physics method

Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange
operator [6] on it and a wild lion.

As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
sake) a male lion.  We insert a tame female lion into the cage and
apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.

2.5 A relativistic method

All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts
of the companion star of Sirius.  After enough of the bait has been
eaten we send a beam of light through the desert.  This will curl
around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without
danger.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 16:48:11 -0400
From:    "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be
         what I am now." <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Tax time last year and the MacInTax program....

                April 15, 1993 (Special)

     The IRS reported today that thousands of Macintosh owners were filing
Form 4868 (Application for Automatic Extension of Time To File U.S.
Individual Income Tax Return).

     It seems that they all used MacInTax, and Form 4868 was the only form
that printed out correctly.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 17:19:44 EDT
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: The story of ice-beer <best-of-usenet>

Newsgroups: alt.beer
From: kpapai@rahul.net (Ken Papai)
Subject:ICE BEER/the real story

>DOES ANYBODY OUT THERE KNOW THE STORY ON SO-CALLED "ICE BEER"?
>WHAT IN THE PROCESS MAKES IT "ICE" BEER ?

No, what is the story?  I've heard it's just a marketing ploy by
Miller, Anheuser-Busch, Molson, & Labatts to ruin, once and for all,
the "imports" and the microbrewery revolution in America.

Really, the truth is, and I am not joking, is that a comet from outer
space landed in the Artic Ocean, part of it chipped off into this
humongous iceberg and glaciologists determined this was beer being
sent to us poor North Americans by some benevolent alien race of
brewers taking pity on our poor American horse piss.  The scientists
contacted the large brewing companies who determined that there was
enough ice beer to supply each American 1 beer a day for the next ten
years.  It was up to the large beer corporations to coin clever names
for this new product. This is the truth I swear by god it's true.



Source:  alt.humor.best-of-usenet

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 15:28:14 PST
From:    "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU>
Subject: The Income Tax Song (offensive to IRS agents)

(Sung to the tune of "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear")

They come on April 15th, dear,
To take away our gold:
Tax men, unmoved by plea or tear.
It makes your blood run cold.

Oh, income tax, you break our backs.
The government takes all.
A thief by any other name
Would never have such gall!

--from MAD magazine, circa 1960

Michael J. Irvin              * Clever ASCII map of my location in *
Information Technology        * Washington deleted due to *&%$#!   *
Washington State University   * 5 line limit on signature files    *
Pullman, WA 99164-1222             Internet: irvinmj@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu      
:
509/335-0437                       BITNET:irvinmj@wsuvm1.bit

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 16:42:00 EST
From:    "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 4/13/94 (11/3/93)

---> November 3, 1993 <---

======================================================
Top Ten Good Things About Being Mayor of New York City
======================================================

10. Get pot hole named after you
 9. Mayor's table at Blimpie's
 8. Every single day:  Your weight in quarters from the Lincoln toll booth
 7. The city is sparkling clean and free of crime, so it's not a very hard job
 6. Any trouble, you just call Batman
 5. It's the second most powerful position in N.Y., right behind the head of
    the Gambino family
 4. Only one allowed to spit off top of Empire State Building
 3. Full control of secret nuclear arsenal aimed at New Jersey
 2. Every Tuesday:  Hoagies with Sharpton
 1. Chicks dig mayors

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 20:29:06 -0400
From:    Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject: Match Game/Bathroom Humor (risque)

From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
I am still accepting "Match Game" questions and answers.  Please write
back to me or to MATCH@TDR.COM.  I've gotten some very good answers and
interesting questions.  Here are some of my original questions:

"He's so evil (how evil is he)
he lowers the moral standing at a BLANK convention."

"I had to go to the bathroom so bad (how bad did you have to go, etc.)
my BLANK was/were turning brown."

"He's so old...that BLANK is younger."

"My school was so tough...the school paper had a BLANK."  (suggested format)

"My school was so tough...the school paper had a BLANK column."


Two new questions:

"She is so dumb that she went all the way to France to get a French BLANK."

"She is so dumb that she went all the way to Turkey to get a Turkish BLANK."

--------------------------

The following line appears in the movie "Andromeda Strain".  I said it
while running for the bathroom:

"Go!  Now!  Before the gas starts!"


---
Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <randy@psg.com>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

A man is about to be sentenced to six lashes from a cane for committing
$2500 in vandalism in Singapore.  It was suggested that one way to reduce
the crime rate in the U.S. was to televise it and to sponsor it:

"And now, the first swing will be sponsored by Maybeline Ultra Lash..."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1994 to 14 Apr 1994
************************************************

