From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 14 Apr 1994 to 15 Apr 1994
Date: Saturday, April 16, 1994 12:04AM

There are 18 messages totalling 781 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Fellow and a wife in doctor's office <funny, not too bad>
  2. 1. Kurt Cobain  2. Prosthetics gags
  3. Gong Awards for 1992 <British humor>
  4. The First Sermon (Offensive to Priests, but not bad)
  5. Weird News: Bomb Scare
  6. 2 Baby Jokes <sick>
  7. Practical first aids for home accidents. Part I of II.
  8. Change of life joke
  9. Leper Joke (offensive to lepers, or sensitive people)
 10. Politically Correct Definitions
 11. 9 Secret Love Techniques... <sarcastic, may be off. to men>
 12. The smartest house on the block???
 13. blondes
 14. Life  4.5    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 9 Jan 89
 15. Religious - slightly irreverent
 16. Religious Humor
 17. Top Ten List for 4/14/94 (9/20/93)
 18. Excuse to miss school Blunders

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 14 Apr 1994 22:40:40 -0600
From:    Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject: Fellow and a wife in doctor's office <funny, not too bad>

First of all, some more results of the poll.

        Yes: 82
        No:  9

I haven't been keeping track of how many 'no' are female/male, but so far,
of the 82 'yes', 62 are male, 10 are female, and I still have no idea of
the other 10.


        A guy and his wife go to see their doctor because the guy
        is sicker than a dog. (I don't know how sick a dog really
        is, but it must be sick.) The doctor talks to the guy,
        examines him, and then tells, "OK, I'm done examining you,
        would you send your wife in?" So the guy leaves and send his
        wife in to the doc. The doc says, "Well, your husband has
        a very rare disease and he will die unless you cater to his
        every need. You must do anything he wants and be very kind to
        him. You also must have sex with him at least twice a week."
        She nods her head and leaves. On the way home, the husband
        says to her, "Well, what did he say to you?" She replies,
        "I'll tell ya when we get home." Finally they get home and
        first thing he says when they walk in the door, "Well, what
        did he say?"
                "He said you're gonna die!"


Here's the completion of the poopie list. I've gotten mail stating that
this list has been on here before and that I shouldn't waste my time.
However, I have gotten just as much mail stating that I should finish it,
so here it is. If you've read it, don't read this. :)

        gasey poopie:  it is so noisy, everyone within ear shot is
                giggling.
        drinker poopie:  the kind of poopie you have the morning after a
                long night of drinking. its most noticable trait
                is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.
        corn poopie:  self-explanatory.
        gee, I wish I could poopie, poopie:  it's the kind where you want
                to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped,
                and fart a few times.
        liquid poopie:  the kind where yellowis-brown liquid shoots out
                your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
        spianal-tap poopie:  that's where it hurts so bad, you'd swear
                it was coming out sideways.
        wet-cheeks poopie (the power dump):  the kind that comes out
                so fast, your butt and cheeks get splashed with water.
        Mexican-food poopie:  it smeels so bad, the room must be
                condemned.
        upper-class poopie:  the kind that comes from upper-class
                people who think their shit doesn't stink.
        fisherman-bobber poopie:  that kind where you are in a public
                restroom, there are two people waiting in line, you
                flush two times, but there are still several golf-ball
                size pieces still floating.

Probably a joke that most of you have heard:
Q:  What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A:  A salad shooter.

Jess

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 02:31:18 -0500
From:    Mark Darrall <00mtdarrall@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU>
Subject: 1. Kurt Cobain  2. Prosthetics gags

Hi, gang! This is my weak attempt at Kurt Cobain humor. It helps if you
know a bit about Seattle:

Why did Kurt do it?
Someone replaced his Starbuck's with the rich taste of Folger's Crystals.

Oh, man, even I'm groaning!

2. This is in celebration of Laurie Roach's EXCELLENT lil bro sight gag.
These were told me by an ex-coworker:

A fellow he knew worked in a pallet plant assembling wooden pallets using
a pneumatic nailer. One day, while the plant's owners were visiting from
out of town, he waited til they were nearby, shouted,"Damn these cheap
socks won't stay up!" and promptly drove three nails into his wooden leg.

This same fellow also did some roofing work on the side and would anchor
himself to steep roofs by driving a nail through his wooden foot.

How clever!

Best to all,
Mark
00mtdarrall@bsuvc.bsu.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 09:12:36 EST
From:    Kathleen Williams <WILLIA3@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Gong Awards for 1992 <British humor>

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals)
for dubious distinctions in 1992.

Tortoise Trophy

British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include
trains arriving within one hour of schedule.

Rubber Cushion

John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together

Crimewatch Cup

Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo. His error was having tatooed on his forehead in large
capitals letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the
court:"My client is not a very bright young man".

Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax,
but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he
began screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number.

Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with
his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

British Cup

To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral
sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up
post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

Flying Cross

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately
eaten by a cat. The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing
his identification tag to the judges relegated percy from first to
third place.

Lazarus Laurel

To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathereed round her coffin
in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the
hell was going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's
daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

Silver Bullet

To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on
an overhanging rock,and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 09:44:00 -0500
From:    Kevin Hanrahan <Kevin.Hanrahan@MCMIC.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: The First Sermon (Offensive to Priests, but not bad)

First, I have to thank Chello J., a guy who works with me, for this gem.  He's
got an anthology of jokes collected over the years that look about as thick as
the Manhattan phone book.  I've been passing the best of the "HUMOR" jokes on
to him (poor guy is not on the NYU network, so he doesn't have eMail), so
keep up the good work.

THE FIRST SERMON
The new priest, at his first mass, was so frightened that he could hardly
speak.  Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the bishop what he
could do to relax.  The bishop said next week it might help if you put martini
in the water pitcher.  After a few sips, everything should go "smoothly".  The
next week the young priest put the bishop's suggestion into practice and
really talked up a storm.  After the sermon he asked the bishop how he had
done.  The bishop replied "Fine"...but there are a few things you should learn
before you address the congregation again.

1) Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down glassful after
glassful.
2) There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3) There are twelve disciples, not ten.
4) David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
5) We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his disciples as J.C. and
the boys.
6) Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
7) We do not refer to the cross as "THE BIG T".
8) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "BIG DADDY,
JUNIOR AND THE SPOOK".
9) And LAST BUT NOT LEAST, it's the Virgin Mary, not Mary with a CHERRY.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 10:39:16 -0400
From:    Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Weird News: Bomb Scare

From The Daily Collegian

Philadelphia -- Authorities who believed they had a bomb on their hands
yesterday are now trying to figure out where a box of cooked crayfish
originated and where it was going.

The box was found between two cars early yesterday in a parking garage
near a terminal at Philadelphia International Airport. Police dog Teddy
confirmed something was fishy.

Airport spokesman Mark Pesce said the package, about the size of a shoe
box, was wrapped in duct tape and had no mailing address.

"It didn't look like an average traveling box," Pesce said.

After some sniffing around, investigators summoned firefighters, bomb squad
members and a robot used to detonate explosives. X-rays then showed the
package contained only the small crustaceans essential to Cajun cooking.

"We were hoping it was cookies," Pesce said.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 16:22:24 BST
From:    Adam BJ Quantrill <adam@KBSS.BT.CO.UK>
Subject: 2 Baby Jokes <sick>

A bloke goes into the hospital where his wife has just given birth
to see his baby. The doctor takes him to one side, and says "I have
to warn you that your child is deformed". The man says "how bad is
it doc?", and the doctor replies "follow me..."

They go into the first ward, end there is a row of babies with no
arms and no legs. "So where is he, doc?" the man asked. The doctor
replied "I'm sorry, but it's worse than this...". In the next ward
there were babies with no arms, legs or torsos. The man looked at
the row of heads and again asked "So where is he, doc?". But the doctor
again replied "I'm sorry, but it's worse than this...". In the next
ward there was one bed with just an ear laying on a pillow. The man
kneeled down next to the bed and wailed "Son, son, how are you?"
The doctor said "Bad news, I'm afraid...... he's deaf!"


The second joke is the same up to the torso bit....


... so the parents took home their baby son, and cared for him,
even though he was just a Head. His third birthday came around,
and he has learned to speak. He had just blown out the candles
on his birthday cake, when there was a knock on the door, and
his father went to answer it. "Son, look, your Uncle's here,
said the father as he ushered the uncle through the door.
The uncle was carrying a large package, about 1 foot cube. The
baby son, on seeing it, said "Oh, no, not another fucking hat!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 09:02:50 MEX
From:    Antonio Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject: Practical first aids for home accidents. Part I of II.

     This  article  was  published  by Marco A. Almazan, a great mexican humor
writer.  It  first  appeared  in  a  book  called  The  gormondios of Marfesia
(Los gormondios de Marfesia) ed. J.U.S. Mexico 1975.
I will post part II on monday.
and now...
              Practical first aids for home accidents.
     There  are a lot of small home accidents that relly doesn't are dangerous
by  itselfs,  However the real danger is that you leave  the  victim  of  this
accident laid on the floor until you call a doctor who does not made homecalls
or if he does, charges you an amount of money  that  equals  the price of your
home. It happens that this guy stays on the  floor  until someone kills him by
accidentally stepping on him, or he dies from natural causes.
     To offer a remedy to this unconfortable situation, ioll give you the most
effective and simple procedures for the most common home accidents such as:

Electric Shock:
  If the guy  who suffered an  electric  shock had caused a short circuit that
  blows a  fuse, in the  first  place, you should try to fix your fuse box, or
  you  might  apply  first  aids  to another  person and do  not notice or pay
  any attention to the guy who had suffered the accident.
  After  fixing the fuse box you will procced to screw a  lightbulb in his/her
  theeth, if the lightbulb doesn't turn on, that means that  this guy does not
  have  enough  volts  in  his  body  and  he/she will be o.k. in  a couple of
  minutes, after  having  a  couple of drinks or if you give him/her  a shower
  with  cold  water. This  last  procedure is not recommended in  winter time,
  or this home remedy may turn into a worst situation.
  If  the  light  turns  on, the  best thing to do is to take this  guy to the
  outside of the house and hang  him over the door, put some music  and he/she
  will  receive  the  full  benefits  of  fresh  air,  and  he/she  will  also
  receive an standing ovation from the people at the street and the neighbours
  that are watching this odd show of light and sound.
Poison ingestion:
  If  someone  ingests  rat  poison,  lye, or just pork meat at any taco
stand,
  this  is  the  correct  procedure.  Lie  down that person in decubito supino
  possition  (on his back), put  yor  knee  on  his chest and a plumber helper
  on  his  face  (the  kind you use on your sink). While  you  are making  the
  suction  procedure, you  must  shout at the guy 'I knew this will happen one
  day,  I  told  you  a  thosand  times, This  is happening because you are an
  idiot, That  happened  to  you  for eating so much trompa,buche and nenepile
  tacos ( diferent  kind  of  tacos  made with pork meat that you can buy near
  almost  every bus stop or subway station (Metro). Don't ask wich part of the
  pig, belive me, you don't want to know).
  If  the  person  is  a stranger, you don't have to say nothing, just use the
  plumber helper as directed before and wait for an ambulance.

End of part one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antonio Oliveros.         |      //////    | Don't take life too seriously,
Iberoamericana University.|     //  00     | you will  never  get out of it
Mexico City.              |     |@   >     | alive.
----------------------------oOo--------oOo------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 11:52:53 EST
From:    Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Change of life joke

This woman went to the doctor with a lower GI problem.  The doctor
asked, "What seems to be the problem?"  She replied, "Each time I go
to the bathroom I pass nickels."

The doctor thought and said, "I really don't think you need to worry.
So just go home and relax for the rest of the day."

The next day she called the doctor and said, "My problem is getting
worse. Now when I go to the bathroom, I pass dimes."  Again the doctor
calmly replied "If it concerns you, take the rest of the week off,
stay home, put your feet up, read a couple of books and just relax."

A week later the woman calls in a panic, "Doctor. My problem is
getting still worse.  Now when I go, I pass quarters.  Whats wrong
with me?"  The doctor replies, "There's nothing wrong with you.
You're just going through your change."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 11:27:47 -0400
From:    "Mr. Pulaski" <bmpierce@NAZ.EDU>
Subject: Leper Joke (offensive to lepers, or sensitive people)

A quick leper joke: (sorry if this has been posted before)

Why did the leper fail his driving test?



He left his foot on the clutch!!



  ------------------------------------------------------------
  |Brent Pierce                  Snail Mail:                 |
  |Nazareth College              Brent Pierce #623           |
  |Rochester, Ny                 Nazareth College Box 18900  |
  |email: bmpierce@orion.naz.edu Rochester, NY 14618         |
  |                                                          |
  |            "May the Schwartz be with you!"               |
  ------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 13:18:31 -0400
From:    Larry Randall <randall@MAILSTORM.DOT.GOV>
Subject: Politically Correct Definitions

unpaid sex worker - Wife or girlfriend

uniquely proficient - Incompetent; differently qualified; specially skilled

testosterone poisioning - The hormonal imbalance suffered by so-called
                          "normal males"

temporarily challenged - Chronically late

Technologically challenged - Computer illiterate.

metabolically different - Dead; terminally inconvenienced.

involuntarily undomiciled - Homeless

Have lots more for the future.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 10:46:45 PDT
From:    Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject: 9 Secret Love Techniques... <sarcastic, may be off. to men>

Text item: Text_1

     ...That Could Possibly Turn Men Into Putty In Your Hands
          FROM (WHERE ELSE BUT) MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
      I think it's important to note that none of this is to be taken
     seriously, and by no means am I man-bashing.  I am simply copying
     something humorous for you all to enjoy.  And as you can see anyway,
     this was, in fact, written by a man.  The opinions expressed in this
     post are not necessarily the opinions of, well, me.  Men: have no
     fear; Monday's edition will be for you...
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     WOMEN: MEN!  What a world, huh?  In the old days, everything was easy,
     with true love and hearts and flowers and frilly dresses and light
     petting and sing-along hayrides -- but nowadays everything is screwy.
     You always gotta be on guard, because no one can be trusted -- not
     even your favorite lover.  It's sad in a way, but we can't just give
     up.  A man without a woman is like a tugboat in a logjam.  A woman
     without a man is like a fish run over by a bicycle.  Hence, this here
     guide, to help women help men to see the love light.
     (1) DAZZLE 'EM.  Face it.  Men are dopes -- gorillas -- sweaty,
     lumbering beasts -- and to get their attention you have to fool 'em --
     trick 'em -- practically whack 'em on the nose with a rolled up
     newspaper.  **Example**  HE: "HEY -- what for you whack me onna nose
     with a rolled up newpaper?  SAY -- what is that intriguingly
     provocative perfume you're wearing?"
     (2) FEIGN INTEREST IN THEIR TEDIOUS JABBER.  Men dig it when they can
     babble on endlessly year after year about guns, blimps, and cigars
     without being challenged to change the subject.  All you have to do is
     learn a few simple words and develop a capacity for lengthy monologues
     on carburetors, home computers, and Curly of the Three Stooges.
     **Example**  SHE: "Rilly?  My goodness.  Rilly?"
     (3) ACT PETULANT.  For some weird reason, men get a charge out of
     seeing women getting really steamed -- particularly when it's about
     something trivial, like a run in your stocking or equal pay for equal
     work.  Just stomp your foot on the floor, stick out your lower lip,
     utter a light obscenity, and listen for that condescending, indulgent
     male chuckle that says, "Whatsamatta, Baby?"  **Example**  HE: "My you
     look pretty when you're psychopathic."
     (4) BE UNFATHOMABLE.  One thing that keeps men hooked is when they
     can't figure out what the hell is going on.  This is easy -- just
     think of yourself as a faucet that runs boiling hot or icy cold
     without warning.  Men won't like it, but they have been known to spend
     entire lifetimes trying to understand it.  **Example**  SHE: "I love
     you."  HE: "I love you too."  SHE: "You don't know what love is."  HE:
     "Huh?"  SHE: "Please -- let's not fight.  I love you."
     (5) SLIP INTO SOMETHING A BIT MORE COMFORTABLE.  Get all dolled up and
     come on like gangbusters.  Nothing can sway a would-be dreamboat like
     ruby red lips, three-inch painted fingernails, a peek-a-boo blouse,
     and see-thru panties.  Works like a voodoo charm.  **Example**  HE:
     "Yikes."
     (6) ACCEDE TO THEIR SICKO EROTIC REQUESTS.  Men can be likened to
     rutting grizzly bears, snurfling wolverines, or sex-crazed white
     rabbits with just one thing on their disgusting minds.  Actually, you
     can play it two ways: either f--- their brains out, for which you will
     be rewarded with doglike devotion, or withhold all sexual favors 'til
     later, for which you will be rewarded with doglike devotion.
     **Example**  SHE: "Ooh baby I love it when we cuddle."  HE: "Mmm-hmm."
     SHE: "Listen Mister keep yer grubby paws to yerself."
     (7) MAKE 'EM WHISTLE A DIFFERENT TUNE.  Men are basically quivering,
     spineless jellyfish just floating along in life -- but with the right
     amount of pushing, prodding, and nagging, you can improve them -- from
     hopelessly insensitive oafs into hopelessly sensitive oafs.  Remember:
     keep at it.  **Example**  SHE: "Straighten up, honey -- you're
     slouching.  Take that toothpick out of your mouth,  It's vulgar.
     You'll thank me for this someday.  Don't give me that look, it's
     unbecoming."
     (8) DEFLATE 'EM.  It's surprisingly easy to puncture the egos of
     slow-witted male behemoths with a quick verbal jab or an unyielding
     moral/political exhortation.  Curiously, men feel a tremendous amount
     of guilt that is held in check only by an equally hefty load of
     unfocused rage -- and you can work this to your advantage.
     **Example**  HE: "Hey, look at this silly cartoon."  SHE: "Why, in
     this time of the changing values and female liberation, do men persist
     in laughing at women?"  HE: "I -- I am filled with shame."
     (9) Put your arm around your honey, read this cartoon aloud together,
     and say: "Aren't you glad we're beyond all this?"
     ______________________________________________________________________
     Up next...9 Secret Love Techniques Women Find Well-Nigh Irresistable.

     - Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 14:24:23 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: The smartest house on the block???

TCI, the nation's largest cable television Company, is in talks to launch a
unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas & Electric Co. and
Microsoft Corporation to design a "smart home".

November 28, 1995 Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in
the neighborhood. Everything's networked.  The cable TV is connected to our
phone, which is connected to my PC, which is connected to the power lines, all
the appliances and the security system.  Everything runs off a universal
remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap.
I'm, like, totally wired.
November 30 Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the
oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice and cozy when I arrived.
Maybe I should have the universal remote surgically attached.
December 3 Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker - everything!
Carefully, I unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Called the
cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility.
The utility insists the problem was in the software. So the software company
runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor.
Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault.  I don't care, I
just want my kitchen back. More phone calls.  More remote diagnostics. Turns
out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode" - the network had never seen
a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic
interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But
because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge,
the kitchen's logic sequence was confused so it couldn't do a standard
restart.
The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened.
Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.
December 7 The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We
discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates
patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When
these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated
and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in.  Go
figure....
Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I
actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The
software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next
upgrade - SmartHouse 2.1, but it's not ready yet.
December 12 This is a nightmare.  There's a virus in the house. My personal
computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home
and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the
refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the
garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the Home Shopping
channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they
explode from the strain.  Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security
sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbing on my PC screen:
"Welcome to HomeWrecker!!! Now the FUN begins....(be it ever so humble,
there's no virus like HomeWrecker....)". I get out of the house. Fast.
December 18 They think I've digitally disinfected the house but the place is a
shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of
the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, The Exorcists (as the anti-virus
SWAT members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over.

December 19 Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and
mudslides yes," says the claims adjuster, "viruses, no."
My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and
warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks
in any way, shape or form with a noncertified on-line service. Everybody's
very, very sorry but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that may
be created.

We call our lawyer.  He laughs.  He's excited.

December 21 I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep.  As a special holiday
offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new
SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade.  He says I'll be able to meet the programmers
personally.  "Sure, I tell him"...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 14:20:27 CDT
From:    Jim Duffen <C527772@MIZZOU1.BITNET>
Subject: blondes

May be offensive to blondes.

What does a blond say after sex?

You mean your all on the same team.

Jim
Univ. of Missouri-Columbia

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 12:29:24 PDT
From:    hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life  4.5    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 9 Jan 89

    Q: What's the difference between a Galley Slave and a Graduate Student?
    A: They occassionally fed Galley Slaves.

----------------------------------------------------

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They
ran out of scaffolding.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
         He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,
what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who _saw_ any
snakes!

----------------------------------------------------

Apparently, there was a Swiss Army Knife Society Convention in San
Diego last weekend (supposedly a tongue-in-cheek gathering of people
totally enamored with those handy little pocket wonders).  A speaker
read a TV promo from a recent Macgyver episode, "Macgyver must stop a
bulldozer using only his Swiss Army Knife and a two-by-four", and
someone in the audience asked "What does he need the two-by-four
for?"

----------------------------------------------------

1)      Did you hear about the accident between a cement mixer and a van on
it's
way to the state correctional facility?  The Highway Patrol was looking for
hardened criminals all over the place.

----------------------------------------------------

     Some background: HP's lab engineers name their products before they are
released to the outside world.  Sometime before release, HP marketing
generates
a product number (and sometimes a different product name) for our customers.
For example, a product internally called 'Chipmunk' became the 9826A before it
was shipped to customers.
     Around 1978, HP Fort Collin was developing a digitizer which was named
DesCartes (pronounced Day-Cart).  The digitizer was designed and released.
A project was started to develop another digitizer; it was called DesHorses
(pronounced Day-Horse).  The reason given:
              HP always puts DesCartes before DesHorses.
     Another project was started that was called QWERT.  QWERT was taken from
the 1st 5 keys on a standard typewriter keyboard.  After QWERT was released,
an expanded QWERT project was started -- it was called GALLEON, because
everyone knows that there are 4 QWERTS in a GALLEON.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 14:51:02 -0600
From:    NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject: Religious - slightly irreverent

        Jesus came back to earth and wandered among men (humans?).  He
went into a hospital and found a ward where several men were in great
pain.  Walking up the the first bed, Jesus asked the thoroughly
swaddled man what happened to him.  "I was in a fire and have burns
over most of my body," he said tearfully.  Jesus waved  his hand overa
him and pronounced him healed.  The man got up, bandages falling off,
and walked out of the hospital.
        Jesus then approached the next bed where a man lay with casts
on his extremities and bandages on everything.  When Jesus asked what
happened, the man said, "A big truck ran over me and broke most every
bone in my body.  Oooh I hurt so much!"  Jesus waved his hand over the
man and declared him healed.  The man leapt to his feet, the casts and
bandages fell off, and he ran out of the hospital.
        As Jesus approached the third bed, he heard an awful scream,
followed by shouted "No, no, no!!  Please stay away from me!"  I'm
on workman's comp!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 16:04:58 CDT
From:    David Christian <DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Religious Humor

In the begining, there was nothing, and the Lord said, "Let there be light,"
and when He saw the result, He said "This is good."
The next day, the Lord formed the earth, putting on it dirt and mountains and
lakes and rivers and oceans.  When He saw what he had done, He said, "This is
good."
Over the following days, the Lord created the plants and animals, the birds
and fishes, and finally, man and woman.  When He saw what he had done, He said
"This is good."
Then, the Lord said "Let there be fun..." and the lights went out.


                                                 Cheers,

                                                  David

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 15:51:00 EST
From:    "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 4/14/94 (9/20/93)

---> September 20, 1993 <---

======================================
Top Ten Reasons To Watch CBS This Fall
======================================

10. We've stopped using the deadly gamma rays
 9. Programming designed to make your children dull and listless
 8. The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider
 7. If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump like a
    monkey
 6. This year, on a special "60 minutes", Morley Safer loses his virginity
 5. We're Kuralt-a-rific!
 4. We've got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet all the
    way around
    (Here, the CBS maintenance man turned his feet around and walked)
 3. This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself
 2. If you don't watch, we'll send Mike Wallace to investigate your ass
 1. It'll help Connie and Maury have a baby!

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 15 Apr 1994 22:46:01 -0500
From:    Nisheeth Vijay Parekh <Nisheeth.Parekh@UTMB.EDU>
Subject: Excuse to miss school Blunders

This was sent from a friend, who got it from a friend, who got it from a
friend, etc.

This is really cute.

------------------------------------------------------


These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):

----- Begin Included Message -----

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent.  She was sick and I had her
shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.  Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
---diahre---  ---dyrea---  ---direathe---  the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being.  It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.  We have to
attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father
even got hot last night.

Nisheeth Parekh
University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Apr 1994 to 15 Apr 1994
************************************************

