From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 16 Apr 1994 to 17 Apr 1994
Date: Monday, April 18, 1994 12:00AM

There are 7 messages totalling 231 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Religious with a government twist
  2. Religious humor: Atheist joke <profane>
  3. <funny sayings>
  4. Spies: which side?
  5. HUMOR: condom in animal orgy (sick)
  6. <HUMOR> Academic life + a sober warning on libel on the Net
  7. "SCRABBLE" CLUES, etc.

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Date:    Sun, 17 Apr 1994 01:29:38 -0500
From:    Mark Darrall <00mtdarrall@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU>
Subject: Religious with a government twist

Found this in a book dealing with Urban Planning a field that has as an
integral element dealings with government agencies and the like. This was
cited as an example of what a planner's job is like:

God told Moses that He had good news and bad news.
"The good news first," said Moses.
"I'm planning to part the Red Sea to allow you and your people to walk
right through and escape from Egypt," said God, adding, "and when the
Egyptian soldiers pursue, I'll send the water back on top of them."
"Wonderful," Moses replied, "but what's the bad news, Lord?"
"You write the environmental impact statement."

Best always,
Mark
00mtdarrall@bsuvc.bsu.edu

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Date:    Sun, 17 Apr 1994 12:50:16 EST
From:    Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Religious humor: Atheist joke <profane>

Haven't you heard that Easter has been cancelled?  They found the
body. Christmas is also been cancelled because Joseph confessed.

Having said that I will don my asbestos suit. It's tough being an
athiest. We don't have any holidays.

Pleazzze, don't send me hate mail. I didn't write it. I think it is a
terrible joke. :-]

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Date:    Sun, 17 Apr 1994 12:19:55 -0700
From:    Mark R Panitz <mpanitz@EIS.CALSTATE.EDU>
Subject: <funny sayings>

I went to La Salsa last night, their motto is Fresh Food, FRESH PEOPLE ....
(I laughed my head off, when I read it!) <GRIN>

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Date:    Sun, 17 Apr 1994 16:35:01 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Spies: which side?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ok chief.  Here's my latest status report.
>
> The plan is progressing well.  Ames's plan was
> really a stroke of genius.  Not only is the American
> public convinced, but recent documents show that the
> KGB has taken it hook, line, and sinker.
>
> The 'escape' plans have been finalized.  Our contact
> in Cuba has already 'planted' the seed, and the two of
> them should be in Moscow within the week.   Then it's
> just a matter of sitting back and waiting for thier
> reports to come in.
>
> Initial reports indicate he will be in early, and be
> in deep.  He will be the best damn mole we've ever had!
>
> I will await the final approval.
>
> Max.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Max:
}
} There is a change in status between our side and their side. Although
} we have always kept our side in opposition with their side, now there
} are other sides we need to onsider. Because of this, our side and
} their side are secretly joining sides so that our (combined) side can
} work against the other side(s).
}
} I know this seems confusing to you, but think of it this way: Now that
} their side is our side and our side works with their side, both sides
} are the same side and the other side is whatever side is left. The
} agents who were inside their side are now outside the other sides.
} Besides, agents of their side who got inside the other sides are now on
} our side. We've even got some leftists on the right side!
}
} As to Ames, he's on our side, but worked enough for their side so that
} when he got inside our side their side thought he was still on their
} side even though he was always on our side. Now that both sides are the
} same side, we want the other side to think that he's always been on
} their side (not the other side!) and that his escape to their side is a
} problem for our side, when actually he's moving sideways, from one side
} of our side to the other side of our side.
}
} Good work. Continue as planned. Cover your backside.
}
}     Chief
}
} You owe the Oracle a two-sided Mobius strip made out of copper. Please
} make sure that it is silver-plated on one side and gold-plated on the
} other.

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Date:    Sun, 17 Apr 1994 21:16:41 -0400
From:    Lonely Vicious <arteaga@CS.UMD.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: condom in animal orgy (sick)

        (translated from a joke by Fernando Herrera)
        The animals in the forest are bored, so they decide to organize
an orgy. The lion, being the king, states the rules of the party :
                1) Nobody can mate with an animal of the same species.
                2) No condoms can be used.
        All the animals hail the lion and the public rejoicing starts.
Shortly, the king decides to check whether all the animals are obeying the
rules, so he looks around and sees the elephant wearing a condom.
        LION - My elephant, you are disobeying me by using a condom !
You'll have to be punished !
        ELEPHANT - No, see, it's the boa sucking my dick...

        Lonely Vicious

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Date:    Mon, 18 Apr 1994 10:53:00 GMT+0800
From:    "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Academic life + a sober warning on libel on the Net

Later a brief report on the result of a court case in Australia, which all
regular contributors to the Net should be aware of - it's not humour so skip
it
if your not in the mood. However, the first has been taken from the UK's Times
Higher Education Supplement in its section called "AntiTHESis", which looks at
the more humouress side of academia.

*Divine intention*
Glasgow University's divinity faculty, under instructions to merge with
another
planning unit for administrative convenience, has finally decided to opt for
social sciences. This caused some disquiet in the social sciences faculty,
which, it was argued, had a secular tradition. But James White, reporting the
debate in the university newsletter, concludes the new link might do wonders
for the image of social sciences. As he points out: "If it is a good thing to
have God on your side, how infinitely better it must be to have Him in your
planning unit."

Quoted from Julian Barnes' "Talking it over "
"What would be the most effective cure for sexual immorality, for
wife-stealing"? Full employment with every adult male working the same hours,
9.00 to 5.30. Oh, and Saturdays as well, let's get back to the six-day week.
THere'd have to be exceptions made for airline pilots and so on. Of course
airline pilots and their crews are notoriously immoral, plus of course
university lecturers, actors and actresses, doctors, nureses, etc. You see
what
I mean? None of them work regular hours."

LIBEL ON THE NET

There is currently a report being forwarded around the Net concerning a
judegement in a recent network defamation case in Western Australia (courtesy
of Archie Zariski of Murdoch University). Briefly the case was:
An anthropologist from USA had been employed in Australia but in 1993 he was
dismissed - something which at the time caused a considerable amount of
international interest (according to the report). Another anthropologist in
USA
then sent a critical message about the University concerned on a qorldwide
science anthropology bulletin board. A message was sent in reply by someone in
Australia (the defendant to be) which contained some fairly critical and
personal comments about the original sender and about the academic who was
dismissed. Comments included references to sexual practices, academic ability,
racism and alcohol consumption. During the case in court it appears that the
fact that these messages were being sent on a worldwide bulletin board was a
major element in the decision to find for the plaintiff and in the amount of
damages ($40,000 Australian I assume).

Sorry to include something that is outside the Humor set of criteria, but
recollecting some of the comments made on this list in the past it is well
worth everyone appreciating the potential for response.

[As a side comment one of my colleagues took the funnier side of this case and
sent a message to me by email commenting that he couldn't see how the
allegations of sexual misconduct, plagiarism, drinking, etc. could be damaging
as such was true of all academics. I replied that I'd forward his message onto
all the academic lists that I subscribed to so that all the academics could
sue
him for libel. In retrospect I wonder whether we will see such a thing happen
and will there be lawyers eagerly reading through email messags to see if they
can detect libellous comments. Will we start getting messages from lawyers
offering to win us millions because of a comment sent on the Net!]

Mike R

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Date:    Sun, 17 Apr 1994 23:17:54 -0400
From:    "Joshua J. Guers" <guer2587@ACAD.CSV.KUTZTOWN.EDU>
Subject: "SCRABBLE" CLUES, etc.

Hi everybody! I'm Josh Guers and I'm trapped at Kutztown University
trying to write funny stuff so people will laugh. The following are some
clues and answers from the TV game show SCRABBLE.

Building on the letter "T", 8 letters: "After Thanksgiving dinner, some
guys go out in the yard and pass it."  ((FOOTBALL))

Building on the letter "R", 5 letters: "Some farmers whip it out in the
field."  ((HORSE))

Building on the letter "P", 9 letters: "Alone in their room, some lonely
guys stare at it and wonder why they even have one."  ((TELEPHONE))

Building on the letter "G", 5 letters: "Some women scream with pleasure
when they finally have one."  ((BINGO))

Building on the letter "U", 8 letters: "Some guys would like to put their
heads between a warm pair of these."  ((EARMUFFS))

Building on the letter "C", 7 letters: "Some teenage boys carry the same
one around in their wallets for years."  ((LICENSE))

Building on the letter "V", 6 letters: "He led the league in scoring in
1989."  ((GARVEY))

Just like the gentleman asking for "Match Game" questions, I'd like to
see if anybody else out there in HUMOR land has any SCRABBLE clues that
are suggestive like the ones above. If I receive any, they obviously will
be posted to the list. Thanks!!

          Josh Guers<guer2587@acad.csv.kutztown.edu>

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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Apr 1994 to 17 Apr 1994
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