From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 20 Apr 1994 to 21 Apr 1994
Date: Friday, April 22, 1994 12:00AM

There are 17 messages totalling 889 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Top Ten List for 4/20/94
  2. Humorous Look at the Green Card Posting
  3. Political humor (76 lines- Really!)
  4. Could be offensive to nobody unless you hate corn!
  5. Software testing; send email; Birthday announcement
  6. Parents' Guide to Teenage Crime and Punishment <mocking>
  7. HUMOR <racial, offensive to blacks>
  8. Humor: Parachute Paradigm (minorly insulting to lots of people)
  9. Little Johnny (Slightly off
 10. humor:  Political Content  <clean>
 11. Absenteeism Memo <may be offensive to employers>
 12. FW: Cat Bathing as a Martial Art (long - 90 lines)
 13. Almanac humor: The Frenchman's message lately translated
 14. Microsoft & The BORG
 15. Top Ten Monty Hall Turn Ons
 16. Hunter's joke (off. to color people)
 17. Humor: Apartment Rent <risque> ...fwd

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 20 Apr 1994 23:59:00 EST
From:    "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 4/20/94

---> April 20, 1994 <---

=============================================================
Top Ten Questions President Clinton Was Asked By Teens On MTV
=============================================================

10. "Will your health-care plan cover a wicked hangover?"
 9. "Can you make a law that they have to play more U2 videos?"
 8. "Where's the sax, Tubby?"
 7. "How do you keep your thighs so pasty white?"
 6. "Does Gennifer Flowers wear boxers or briefs?"
 5. "Is it true you wanted to remove your pants and call this Clinton
    Unplugged?"
 4. "Hey, like, what's with that Gore dude?"
 3. "This 'United States' you keep mentioning -- is that like a band or
    something?"
 2. "Wow -- how'd you get your ass into those shorts?"
 1. "Where's Beavis, Butt-head?"

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 02:32:33 -0400
From:    Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject: Humorous Look at the Green Card Posting

The following is edited from several postings on the Mystery Science 3000
newsgroup, to bring out the funniest comments and to fit into the
100-line limit of the Humor List:

MIKE:  Well -- uh oh, Jacoby and Meyers are calling!

> Article 4957 (88 more) in alt.tv.mst3k:
TOM SERVO:  When you look in the mirror, that says "KEtsm.vt.tla"
MIKE:  And when you play it backwards it says, "Attorney a dead man."

> From: nike@indirect.com
MIKE:  Just post it!
> (Laurence Canter)
CROW:  This guy gives me the trots.

> Date: 12 Apr 1994 08:51:59 GMT
MIKE:  A day which shall live in infamy.

> Organization: Canter & Siegel
TOM:  Based on the book by Sueman and Shyster.

>Green Card
TOM:  What about blue cards?  I'm into blue.
CROW:  I'll give you two blues for a red and a yellow and a hue to be
named later.
TOM:  What about Hue Beaumont?

> Lottery 1994 May Be The Last One!
TOM: Come to the last annual Green Card Lottery!
MIKE: I _never_ win anything.

>The Green Card Lottery is a completely legal program
TOM:  Well, so are Zork and The Brady Bunch.

>giving away
MIKE: The prices are so low, we're practically _giving_ them away!

> a certain annual allotment of Green Cards
CROW: All you have to do is bring a certain amount of money to a
certain place at a certain time to get it.

>to persons born in certain countries.
MIKE: Persons _not_ born in countries need not apply.

> The lottery program was scheduled to continue on a
CROW:  Semiregular schedule of summer reruns.

>However, recently, Senator Alan J Simpson
CROW:  I'm Alan J Simpson.  Who the hell are you?

>introduced a bill into the U. S. Congress
TOM: Well, it'd be pretty _stupid_ to introduce it somewhere else.

>which could end any future
TOM:  As we know it.
CROW: It's the Armageddon bill!
MIKE:  We are all interested in the future because that is where you and
I will be spending the rest of our lives.

>lotteries. THE 1994 LOTTERY IS SCHEDULED TO TAKE PLACE SOON,
MIKE: Apply now! Supplies are limited! Operators are standing by!

> PERSONS BORN IN MOST COUNTRIES QUALIFY, MANY FOR
MIKE:  Acceptance in the human race.

> The only countries NOT qualifying are: Mexico; India; P.R. China;
TOM SERVO:  The Holy Roman Empire;

> Taiwan, Philippines, North Korea, Canada, United Kingdom (except
CROW:  Margaret Thatcher)

> Northern Ireland), Jamaica, Dominican Republic, El Salvador and
TOM:  Mary Ann, here on Gilligan's Isle.
CROW: How could someone who ISN'T from one of those countries
afford to come to the U.S.?

>Lottery registration will take place soon.
TOM: Order now and receive a free gift!
CROW: Wow, how can I get a green card?
MIKE: You're a US citizen already!

>55,000 Green Cards will be given to those who register correctly.
MIKE: Now what would a person do with 55,000 green cards?

>NO JOB IS REQUIRED.
TOM: It's the American way!

> THERE IS A STRICT JUNE DEADLINE. THE TIME TO START IS
> NOW!!
MIKE:  THERE IS A STRICT CAPS LOCK KEY.  THE TIME TO USE IT IS NOW!!

> For FREE information via Email, send request to
> cslaw@indirect.com
TOM:  Cole Slaw?
CROW:  Thinly sliced cabbage, but that's not important right now.
MIKE: Send your mail directly to indirect.

> Canter & Siegel, Immigration Attorneys
TOM SERVO:  And net.abusers

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 08:43:28 CET
From:    Pete Plassmann
         <imo%lan3.kaiserslau-emh1.army.mil@KAISERSLAU-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Political humor (76 lines- Really!)

Leaflet I got from - I don't know where.....

            INCAR - International Commitee Against Reason

Every moment, the cold iron jaws of the steel net of racist imperialist
capitalist ruling-class tyranny tighten a bit further.  The conspiracy
of the world ruling class, masterminded jointly by expert planners in
the White House and the Kremlin, continues to progress through the
actions of govenrments, which, no matter how stupid, inane, or useless
they may seem, are all more carefully planned cogs in the vast wheel of
another brick in the wall of another piece of dust in the wind of
ruling-class racist imperialist capitalism.  Black groups, women's
groups, anti-nuke groups, the NRA, and other so-called protest
organizations only concern themselves with their own narrow special
interests.  They are only attacking the tip of the problem rather than
the root of the iceberg.  These groups will accomplish nothing as long
as they only care about their own specific interests without applying them to
our own cause: stamping out capitalist ruling-class racist imperialist
oppression.  WHO ARE WE? We are INCAR, a non-profit incorporation of
workers and students, who are dedicated to solving all the world's
problems through the use of slogans and leaflets filled with stirring
rhetoric.
        There are many groups fighting for racial equality.  The NAACP
and others have worked for years and accomplished nothing.  We realize
that racial equality is an unobtainable and possibly undesireable goal.
Affirmative action and desegregation are only attempts to indoctrinate
minorities into imperialist capitalist ruling-class racist values.
INCAR contends that minority rights are unimportant.  Races have to
cooperate for only one overiding cause:  smashing imperialist racist
ruling-class capitalist oppression.
        Environmentalists and anti-nuke types are up in arms against
nuclear power.  Instead of worrying about thermal pollution and nuclear
waste disposal, these bourgeois groups should concentrate on the true
issue:  capitalist imperialist racist ruling-class oppression of
proletariate Uranium 238 atoms.  INCAR has long advocated the use of
renewable alternative decentralized clean sources of energy, in order
to take control away from the imperialist ruling-class racist
capitalist oil companies.  However, as soon as these alternative
methods become feasible, the capitalist imperialist ruling-class
racists will move in and take over.  The only way to prevent racist
capitalist imperialist ruling-class control over energy is to oppose
the oppression of  plutonium, the sun, the tides, the wind, and
geothermal properties through the abandonment of all energy production.
If workers and students are as wasteful as possible, we can then use
up all oil reserves in less than twenty years, thereby ridding
ourselves of ruling-class capitalist racist imperialist energy
monopoly tyranny.
        Feminists campaign for equal rights and control over their
own bodies.  They do not realize that birth control and abortions
are insipid parts of the vast imperialist ruling-class capitalist
racist plot to eliminate all opposition from workers and students.
Notice how Planned Parenthood and other birth-control advocates
devote most of their education efforts to the poor ghetto areas.
Under the devious cover of providing a useful service, they are
attempting to reduce the population of the oppressed lower class
proletariat.  INCAR needs as large a force of workers and students
as possible to smash capitalist ruling-imperilaist racist-class
oppression.
        INCAR can cover this wide a variety of issues, because we
are broad-minded workers and students who realize the futility of
lobbying or taking direct action for any particular idea.  While
right now we're really mostky students, more workers are being won
over to our cause every minute.  Help INCAR recruit oppressed
university proletariat.  Help us to politicize the cafeteria workers
so they will read our pamphlets instead of wrapping sandwiches in
them.  Help us put a stop to the brainwashing of workers by their
racist capitalist imperialist ruling-class employers.  Help INCAR
unite students and workers to smash racist imperialist capitaist
ruling-class oppression.  Attend our rally each and every Friday
night in front of the Student Union.

                       BE THERE.  ALOHA.
                                        INCAR, Inc.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 08:35:00 EDT
From:    "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
         (410) 830-3642" <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject: Could be offensive to nobody unless you hate corn!

This is my forst post under the new configuration.  Sorry Bill, I just
couldn't
think of a better subject for this. I really don't think it is offensive but
it
is very corny. Well, anyway, here's the joke:

There was this man that had four daughters. It just so happened that all four
were going out on the same night.

At 6:00, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door
said, "Hi. I'm Freddie. I'm here for Betty. Were going to eat Spaghetti." The
man replied, "That's cute. I'll get her for you." He got his daughter and she
and her date went out.

At 6:15, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door
said, "Hi. I'm Lance. I'm here for Nance. Were going to a dance." The man
replied, "That's really good. I'll get her for you." He got his daughter and
she and her date went out.

At 6:30, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door
said, "Hi. I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. Were going to a show." The man replied,
"That's very nice. I'll get her for you." He got his daughter and she and her
date went out.

At 6:45, the bell rang and the man opened the door. The young man at the door
said, "Hi. I'm Chuck" and the man shot him.

Y'all have a nice day,
Tom "Road Runner" Ohlendorf

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 08:48:52 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Software testing; send email; Birthday announcement

----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: ficara@remus.rutgers.edu (Ken Ficara)
Newsgroups: comp.software.testing,alt.folklore.computers,rec.humor


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York, NJ, Sept. 24 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
(PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been
added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice
software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies
like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS.
"Alternative methods of testing these products are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly
and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a
time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
"torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They
spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are
unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested
with
bugs.

"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant
Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without
resorting to software testing.

PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software
programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: v123gcet@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (Nora Hartley)
Subject: Please send me e-mail


        Hi. Could everybody please send e-mail from all over the world
reminding me not to leave my terminal without logging out? Thank you.
(Use foreign languages if possible).
Please e-mail, I do not subscribe to this group, nor do I normally read news.
This will be a big surprise the next time I log on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: johnson@sleipnir.pb.wes.mot.com ("Johnson")
Subject: Re: Birthday Announcement...


David Schnardthorst writes:
>I have a co-worker whose birthday is today, October 5, 1993, Please
>Flood his e-mail with condulences...
>...
>Thank You...
>
>                  David Schnardthorst System Administrator
>                 Stryder Communications Computer Consulting

Well, as a long time r.h reader, I've seen lots of netiquette violations,
but this is a new one--the sysadmin asking for his mail system to
be brought to its knees.  And at a computer consulting company yet,
specializing in communications.  I'd be tempted to second-guess
any advice I got from them...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 09:31:58 PDT
From:    Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject: Parents' Guide to Teenage Crime and Punishment <mocking>

Text item: Text_1

     Again, and as always, this was taken from
                      MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
     This may be offensive if you are a typical parent.
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     THE CRIME     |THE RESPONSE     |THE PUNISHMENT      | THE RESULT
     --------------|-----------------|--------------------|----------------
     Some smart*ss |Icy stare. Fork  |Silent treatment.   |Kid will move
     remark at     |pointed in kid's |Barely perceptible  |out at 18, get a
     dinner        |direction. "Shut |shaking of head     |job in computer
                   |up, you."        |whenever kid speaks.|programming, be
                   |                 |                    |married,
                   |                 |                    |miserable, and
                   |                 |                    |divorced by 23.
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Caught shop-  |Slow shaking of  |No allowance 2 mos. |Kid will go to
     lifting down  |head in disgust. |Grounded 1 month.   |community
     at the mall.  |"So you're a     |Reproachful looks   |college, drop
                   |slimy little     |from now on.        |out after 2 1/2
                   |thief.  I hope   |                    |semesters, go to
                   |you're proud of  |                    |work for Dad's
                   |yourself."       |                    |business.
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Insolent hair |Snorts of dis-   |Confiscate clothing.|Kid will shape
     and clothing. |belief. "You're  |Continuous          |up upon grad-
                   |not leaving this |belittling.  Ship   |uation, join
                   |house 'til you   |kid off to military |army, wound self
                   |look decent."    |school.             |on patrol in
                   |                 |                    |Central America.
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Heavy petting |"Just what in    |Kid's date banished.|Kid will run
     or worse with |God's name is    |Early curfew.       |away at 16,
     some squinty  |going on around  |Compulsory church   |hitchhike to
     little creep  |here?"           |attendance.         |next state, get
     in the base-  |                 |                    |a job in tire
     ment rec room.|                 |                    |warehouse,
                   |                 |                    |settle down by
                   |                 |                    |18.
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Secret        |Flaring nostrils.|Early curfew.       |Kid will be
     inspection of |Huffing and      |Grounded 1 month.   |married by 19, 2
     bedroom       |puffing. Sputter-|Continued secret    |kids by 21, 3
     reveals birth |ing. Maybe knock |inspections of bed- |kids by 23,
     control pills |the kid around a |room. Glowering     |completely de-
     or devices.   |bit.             |looks.              |moralized by 25.
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Pregnant.     |"How the HELL did|Kick kid out of     |Baby will be
                   |you get          |house.              |aborted or given
                   |pregnant?"       |                    |up for adoption,
                   |                 |                    |kid will move
                   |                 |                    |across country
                   |                 |                    |and never speak
                   |                 |                    |to you again.
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Home after    |"If there's ONE  |No borrowing Dad's  |Kid will go to
     curfew. Beer  |scratch on my    |car 2 months. Early |college, join
     on breath.    |car, you're going|curfew. Baleful     |fraternity or
                   |to wish you were |looks.              |sorority, meet
                   |never born."     |                    |future spouse,
                   |                 |                    |get married, end
                   |                 |                    |up just like
                   |                 |                    |you.
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     ______________________________________________________________________
     Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 11:51:03 -0500
From:    Ryan Hinch <rhinch@SUN.CIS.SMU.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR <racial, offensive to blacks>

Please, no one send me tons of email flaming me for be racist. I have
friends of many races to whom I have told this joke substituting in their
race.  I just think this is a funny joke and i originally heard using blacks.



One day a priest was driving down the highway when his gas light came on.
He noticed a sign that said next gas station 20 miles. Well, he knew that
he would only get ten more miles so he set the cruise at 55 and hoped to
coast far enough so he could walk.  Well, sure enough, he ran out of gas
but was at least 5 to 7 miles from the gas station.  The priest got out of
his car, got his gas can and began walking.  After about a mile, a diesel
slowed and came to a stop.  The trucker yelled to the priest, "Hey, need a
ride?  I couldn't help notice you were a priest so i figured you wouldn't
hurt me.  Hop in!"  The priest climbs in the rig and they drive on.
  A little ways up the road, the trucker sees a black man walking by
himself.  He has this urge but can't bring himself to do it with the
priest with him.  Suddenly he devises a plan.  He closes his eyes but
leaves one squinted so that he can see, but also so that it appears that
he has fallen asleep.  He slowly begans easing over to the shoulder and
right when he gets to the black man, BAM!!  The truck driver bolts up in
his chair and yells, "What happened? Did I hit something?"  The priest,
looking in the rear view mirror, says, "No, you missed him but I got him
with my gas can!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 13:33:23 -0400
From:    TK Baltimore <tkbalt@EDISON.CS.NYU.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Parachute Paradigm (minorly insulting to lots of people)

THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM:

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
parachute.

Pessimist:  you refuse the parachute because you might die in the
jump anyway.

Optimist:  you refuse the parachute because people have survived
jumps just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer:  you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor:  you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive:  you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and
get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service:  you confiscate the parachute along with
their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a
neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer:  you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.

Scientist:  you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a
report on how well it worked.

Mathematician:  you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that
it will work in all cases.

Philosophy:  you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English:  you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all
four languages.

Computer Science:  you design a machine capable of operating a
parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics:  you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis:  you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds
them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character
of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art:  you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work
hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat:  you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut
the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian:  after reminding them of their constitutional right to
have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Ross Perot:  you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long
to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General:  you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous
to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

National Rifle Association:  you shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot:  you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist:  you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh):  you get inside the parachute and
refuse to come out.

Sports Fan:  you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it
works fine.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 11:23:21 -0700
From:    Scott Philben <Scott_Philben@SMTP.ESL.COM>
Subject: Little Johnny (Slightly off

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher
drew a
picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.
"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses
to
brush mommy's teeth!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 14:50:25 -0400
From:    "Travis L. Reno" <reno@MIDGET.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject: humor:  Political Content  <clean>

If Vincent Foster had a gun, He'd still be alive today.

  __/__/__/__/__/   __/        __/__/__/    reno@midget.towson.edu
      __/         __/        __/    __/     S72UREN@TOE01.towson.edu
     __/         __/        __/__/__/       Towson State University
    __/         __/        __/  __/         Towson Maryland
   __/         __/__/__/  __/    __/    5 lines right on the button..........

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 15:04:40 CST
From:    "McGrath, Lisa" <lmcgrath@CCMAIL.UWSA.EDU>
Subject: Absenteeism Memo <may be offensive to employers>

     TO:       ALL EMPLOYEES
     FROM:     PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT
     RE:       ABSENTEEISM


     It has been brought to the attention of the Board that the attendance
     record of our company is a disgrace.  It has now become necessary to
     revise some of our policies.  The following changes take place
     immediately.

     SICKNESS: No excuse.  We will no longer accept your doctor's statement
               as proof, as we believe that if you are able to get to the
               doctor you are able to come to work.

     DEATH:    (Other than your own.)  This is no excuse.  There is nothing
               you can do for the deceased, and we are sure that someone
               with a lesser number of obligations can attend to the
              arrangements.  However, if the funeral can be held late in
              the afternoon we will be glad to let you off one hour early,
              provided that you work is sufficiently ahead so that you
              won't inconvenience other employees by your absence

     LEAVE OF
     ABSENCE   (For an operation.)  We are no longer allowing this
               practice.  We wish to discourage any thought that you might
               need an operation.  Since we believe that as long as you are
               employed here you will need all of whatever you have, and
               should not consider having anything removed.  We hired you
               as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly
               make you less than we bargained for.

     DEATH     (Your own.)  This will be accepted as an excuse, but we
               would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to
               train someone else to do your job.

     Also, entirely too much time is being spent in restrooms.  In the
     future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
     For instance, those whose name begins with "A" will go from 8:00 to
     8:15, "B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30 and so on.  If you are unable to
     go at your time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when
     your time comes up.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 13:06:00 PDT
From:    "Wayland Wasserman (temp)" <waylandw@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: FW: Cat Bathing as a Martial Art (long - 90 lines)

For those of you with feline friends in the house....

<forwards scrubbed>
 -----------------------------------

                       Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
                              by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say cats lick
themselves clean.  They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life
believing this folklore.  Like most blind believers, I've been able to
discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in
the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug
by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce:  "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have
some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under
you arm and head for the bathtub:

    -- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.  Don't try
to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.  Pick
a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square,
I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the
sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.  (A simple
shower curtain will not do.  A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber
shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

    -- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself.  I recommend canvas overalls
tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves,
an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

    -- Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.  Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying
on your back in the water.

    -- Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as
if to simply carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire.  They have little or no interest in fashion
as a rule.  If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are
taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

    -- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into
the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water
and squirt him with shampoo.  You have begun one of the wildest 45
seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles.

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded.  Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three
seconds at a time.  When you have him, however, you must remember to
give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.  He'll then
spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off.
(The national record is  - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect
too much.)

  -- Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out
at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.  In fact,
the drying is simple compared to  what you have just been through.
That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right
leg.  You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your
towel and wait.  (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging
to the top of your army helmet.  If this happens, the best thing you
can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter
to just reach down and dry the cat.

    In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.  He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

    You will be tempted to assume he is angry.  This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But, at least now he smells a lot better.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 16:48:15 EST
From:    Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Almanac humor: The Frenchman's message lately translated

A Frenchman wanting a lodging, but having no money to pay for it,
depended on his wit for a supply; so went into an inn, where called
for a supper and had a bed for the night. The bill came to him in the
morning, but our hero ingenuously confessed he had no money, but
Boniface would not be thus bamboozled, and swore that he would keep
him till he paid.

"Oh, den," (says the Frenchman) "If you will keep me dill I pay, me
vill never pay; for me love goot keeping, and me vill love it all de
days of my life.

However, Boniface being very rough, poor Monsieur <    > to exert his
wit, and get clear off.

"Don't be angry, Monsieur, don't dough me has not de money to pay de
reckoning, me can do you a bit of service, vich will be all de same as
money. Me see you be troubled with de rat, now give me de reckoning
and me will give you a receipt in French--Do you understand de
French?"

"No, I don't," cried Boniface surlily.

"Well, dat're no matter, you vill easily find de friend dat vill--Me
could write in de English tongue, but me can't."

The Frenchman, after saying this, took pen and ink, and having written
a few French lines, gave it to the landlord, who, glad to have any
thing for his money, received it with readiness.

Some days after, the rats multiplied so, that Boniface was resolved to
try the virtue of this recipe; and having by chance found a gentleman
in the tap room that understood French, he begged him to translate the
recipe, which he did in the following manner, to the great
astonishment of the landlord, and the loud laugh of the company.

"When the rats come, take six boiled eggs, half a pint of wine, small
beer, and when they have eaten heartily, charge them five shillings for
their supper, and they will never come any more." (The Rhode-Island
Almanack for 1792)


Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 14:26:00 PDT
From:    Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <jeffrh@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: Microsoft & The BORG

  ---==< Forwards beamed into deep space >==---

      "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
   a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
   command pathways?"

      "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
   archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." <Geordi
   presses a  key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>

   <Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

   <Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
   for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once

   inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
   at an unstoppable rate."

      "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
   processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

      "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
   version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
   exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
   quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
   over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

      "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
   shape' idea."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 20:18:39 -0400
From:    "Joshua J. Guers" <guer2587@ACAD.CSV.KUTZTOWN.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten Monty Hall Turn Ons

I don't know why, but for some reason I was in the mood for Let's Make A
Deal and this list just sprang to mind, although it took a while to put it
on paper. Enjoy!!

                        TOP TEN MONTY HALL TURN ONS
                10. The "Big Deal"
                 9. The 50 square yards of carpet behind Door #2
                 8. The radish in the fourth row
                 7. The herd of elephants he gave away as a "Zonk"
                 6. The wad of $20s in his pants
                 5. The other wad in his pants
                 4. Oliver North, sorry that's FAWN Hall turn ons
                 3. The Spiegel Catalog, Chicago 60609
                 2. The box on Jay Stewert's tray
                 1. Big, voluptous grapes

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Just a note of thanks to everybody who responded. THANKS!!

                                                Josh Guers

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 19:55:55 MEX
From:    Antonio Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject: Hunter's joke (off. to color people)

There is a meeting at a hunter's society one of the members:
Ok. i had hunted last week 2 elephants in India.
and other:
I had hunted 3 bengal tigers in Burma.
a third one:
I went to africa, but I only shoot 5 or 6 notmebwanas.
all in the hall:
NOTMEBWANAS??? What in earth is a notmebwana?
and our proud hunter replies:
The notmebwana is a very small, furless, brown animal that when you aim at,
starts yelling NOT ME BWANA, NOT ME BWANA!

I am very sorry about the 44 column all-in-capitals post, two of them.
i had a problem with my mail manager, i hope this one reaches the list
without any modification.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antonio Oliveros.         |      //////    | Don't take life too seriously,
Iberoamericana University.|     //  00     | you will  never  get out of it
Mexico City.              |     |@   >     | alive.
----------------------------oOo--------oOo------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 21 Apr 1994 22:30:35 -0500
From:    Shyam Bhatia <BHATIA@VAXA.CIS.UWOSH.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Apartment Rent <risque> ...fwd

A prosperous man proposed to a beautiful girl and she
agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00.

When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her
he didn't have the money with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check for it, and mail it for "Rent
at the Apartment".

On his way to the office, he decided the whole thing wasn't
worth the price he agreed to pay.  So he had the secretary
send a check for $250.00 and enclose the following note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed is a check for the amount of $250.00 for rent on
your apartment.  I am not sending the amount agreed upon
because when I rented the apartment, I was under the
impression that:
  1)  It had never been occupied
  2)  That there was plenty of heat
  3)  That it was small

Last night I found it had already been occupied;  that there
wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the check, the girl immediately returned
the check with the following note:

Dear Sir:

I am returning the check for $250.00.  I cannot understand
how you would expect such a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied.   As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.  And as for the size,  it is not my
fault that you didn't have enough furniture to fill it.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Apr 1994 to 21 Apr 1994
************************************************

