From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 22 Apr 1994 to 23 Apr 1994
Date: Sunday, April 24, 1994 12:00AM

There are 4 messages totalling 206 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Top Ten List for 4/22/94
  2. Political humor: Margaret Thatcher
  3. Pun (crude)
  4. 8 limericks <several crude>

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Date:    Sat, 23 Apr 1994 00:23:00 EST
From:    "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 4/22/94

---> April 22, 1994 <---

==========================================================
Top Ten Reasons Tom And Roseanne Are Getting Back Together
==========================================================

10. Tom made a really delicious sandwich
 9. To show off their new "Hey, we reconciled!" tattoos
 8. According to pre-nuptial agreement, divorce would have meant caning in
    Singapore
 7. Well, it's not for more publicity, that's for sure.  You can bet the house
    on that, Jim!
 6. She loves how before coming to bed he kicks his underwear onto his head
    (Earlier in the show, Dave showed his video collection, and one video was
    called "What Women Really Want."  A clip was shown of a guy talking about
    how he took his underwear off in front of his girlfriend, by flipping it
    off his foot, and catching it on his head)
 5. Every time one of them tried to storm out, they got wedged in the door
    frame
 4. She's the cheese, he's the eggs, together they're a love omelette
 3. A heartfelt plea from Boutros Boutros-Ghali
 2. A heartfelt plea from Pizza Hut, Inc.
 1. Gravity

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

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Date:    Sat, 23 Apr 1994 09:08:35 EDT
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Political humor: Margaret Thatcher

"Letter from London: The Maggie Years" by Julian Barnes in the 15 November
1993 New Yorker, pp. 82-89. A Mrs. Margaret Thatcher has recently published
her memoirs entitled *The Downing Street Years*  Mr. Barnes uses this event as
an occasion for expressing his unpleasant assessments of Mrs. Thatcher. These
are some humorous notes from his article:

[Jacques Attali described MT:] "The eyes of Stalin, the voice of Marilyn
Monroe." (p. 82)


Worse, she was a woman: though both major parties had pachyderm prejudices
against the species, it had always been assumed that the officially
progressive Labour Party was the more likely party to put a woman at its head.
Tory women, it was known, preferred men; and so did Tory men. (p. 82)


(W)hen I want an image of what Mrs. Thatcher has done to Britain I think of
the carol singers. At the time she came to power, they would, as they always
had, stand outside your house, sing a carol or two, then ring the bell and, if
you answered, sing some more. Halfway through the rule of Thatch, I began
noticing that they wouldn't bother to start singing until they had first rung
the bell and checked that you were there to listen and pay up. After she had
been in power for about ten years, I opened the door one Christmas and peered
out. There were two small boys some distance from the house already, unwilling
to waste their time if they got a negative response. "Carols?" one of them
asked, spreading his hands in a businesslike gesture, as if he had just
acquired a job lot of tunes off the back of a lorry and could perhaps be
persuaded to cut me in. (pp. 82, 84)


Philip Larkin (poet) told an interviewer ... "I adore Mrs. Thatcher. At last
politics makes sense to me, .... Recognizing that if you haven't got the money
for something you can't have it--this is a concept that's vanished for many
years." (p. 84)


One of the few genuinely comic moments in (her book) is a color photograph
taken during a banquet at No. 10. The Prime Minister is banging out a speech
while the President looks up at her with an expression of goofy awe.
Underneath this official souvenir he has written, "Dear Margaret--As you can
see, I agree with every word you are saying. I always do. Warmest friendship.
Sincerely, Ron." (p. 84)


In "The Downing Street Years" she dismisses the hapless John Nott, Defense
Minister during the Falklands War, with the neutering line "His vice was
second thoughts." (p. 85)


She remembers Macmillan telling a group of young M.P.s that "prime ministers
(not having a department of their own) have plenty of spare time for reading,"
and adds, "He recommended Disraeli and Trollope. I have sometimes wondered if
he was joking." He almost certainly wasn't, and it's significant that John
Major, who has gone back to the Macmillan "easy listening" style of
premiership, also claims Trollope as his favorite writer--indeed, is a member
of the Trollope Society. (p. 85)


Far better is her unfeigned response on the occasion when Kingsley Amis
presented her at No. 10 with an autographed copy of his novel "Russian Hid-
and-Seek." "What's it about?" she asked him. "Well," he explained, "in a way
it's about a future Britain under Russian occupation." "Huh!" she cried.
"Can't you do any better than that? Get yourself another crystal ball!" (p.
85)


Hence the (Falklands) war sweetly characterized by Borges--a "vain
intellectual" living under a "common or garden dictator"--as "two bald men
fighting over a comb." (p. 86)


It was lucky for the islanders that they were white, just as it was lucky for
the Kuwaitis that they exported oil rather than Turkish delight. (p. 87)


The British soldiers who reoccupied the islands were unimpressed by the
Falklanders, whom they nicknamed "Bennies," after a notoriously dim character
in a TV soap. An official order had to be put out instructing the troops not
to use this insulting term. Shortly afterward, they took to referring to the
locals as "Stills." A mystified officer asked a soldier to explain this new
sobriquet. "Because they're still Bennies, sir," came the magnificent reply.
(p. 87)


Top politicians generally have an arm's-length acquaintance with their own
language: they only truly mean what other people help them say. A speech needs
speechwriters (...); and a book needs bookwriters--ghosts, researchers,
anecdote-trufflers, document-sifters, prose-scrubbers. (p. 88)


"Being prime minister is a lonely job. In a sense, it ought to be: you cannot
lead from the crowd. But with Denis there I was never alone. What a man. What
a husband. What a friend." (p. 88)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 23 Apr 1994 14:46:40 EDT
From:    "William A. Reitwiesner" <wrei@SEQ1.LOC.GOV>
Subject: Pun (crude)

What does an eighty year old woman taste like?


   ... Depends ...

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 23 Apr 1994 22:49:59 EST
From:    Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: 8 limericks <several crude>

There was a young tar from the sea
Who screwed a baboon in a tree.
     The results were most horrid -
     All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.


There was a young lady named White
Found herself in a terrible plight:
     A mucker named Tucker
     Had struck her, the fucker,
The bugger, the bastard, the shite!


There was a young fellow of Kent
Who had a peculiar bent.
     He collected the turds
     Of various birds,
And ate them for lunch during Lent.


There once was a harlot at Yale
With her price-list tattooed on her tail,
     And on her behind,
     For the sake of the blind,
She had it embroidered in Braille.


There was an old lady of Cheadle
Who sat down in church on a needle.
     The needle, though blunt,
     Penetrated her cunt,
But was promptly removed by the beadle.


There was a young man from Sioux Falls
Renowned in vaudeville halls;
     His favorite trick
     Was to stand on his prick
And then slide off the stage on his balls!


Sobbed the wife of a worrisome veep,
"I'm so tired and worn I could weep.
     It's my husband's demand
     For a tit in each hand -
And the bastard walks 'round in his sleep!"


An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
     He lighted the hair
     Of his lady's affair
And laughed as she peed through the flames.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Apr 1994 to 23 Apr 1994
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