From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 24 Apr 1994 to 25 Apr 1994
Date: Tuesday, April 26, 1994 12:00AM

There are 20 messages totalling 830 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Bobbit song  <crude, cruel>
  2. <Humor> A diet plan through sexual activity
  3. The 9 Types of users -- Part 2
  4. Lost Ann Landers Letters (again!)
  5. Royko: Let the punishment fit the crime
  6. First Aid, Amish Gardening, Animals for Women (See 1st line for warning)
  7. Commode  - Call Home clean
  8. Twins & horses <clean>
  9. Kurt Cobain joke (gross)
 10. Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You <sort-of offensive>
 11. Almanac Humor: Loud beggar
 12. Bittersweet poem about drinking
 13. FW: A very Heavy Subject...
 14. pun
 15. Life  4.8    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89
 16. HUMOR:  New Barbie Doll
 17. New Tax Law <crude, poss. mild off.>
 18. Rude Humor: Blonde bomber joke
 19. Veterinarian <Slightly offensive>
 20. Juggler joke <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 00:33:03 -0600
From:    Lawrence Fatteicher <fatteicher@SIAST.SK.CA>
Subject: Bobbit song  <crude, cruel>

The following Bobbit song is sung to the tune of the "Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to the story, 'bout a love gone wrong.
Poor Mr. Bobbit dearly loved his precious dong.
But then one night when he pushed her way too far,
She snipped off Mr. Happy and tossed him from the car.

                Buick Roadmaster ...
                ... Meat Wagon

Well the cops found his weiner and they took it to teh Doc,
Koppel and Chung said "They found it 'neath a rock".
"Full of stickers and a bottle cap or two,
and his precious Mr. Happy was nearly cut in two"

                Pieces, that is ...
                Not inches ...
                small sections ...

So, the doctors started sewing, but they made a little slip
instead near the middle, they attached it to his hip
So, now when Mr. Happy wants to feel that old delight,
he cums in Bobbit's poccket, (that's the left not the right).

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 14:53:00 GMT+0800
From:    "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <Humor> A diet plan through sexual activity

This has been imported from the 'Giggles' list via Humor 'listener' Bob
Butcher. Sexual references may offend/excite any popes/nuns reading this.
I'm afraid that I cannot accept any responsibility for health problems, eg.
heart attack or back pains, resulting in anyone attempting to follow the
diet below.


                              A DIETER'S GUIDE TO
                             WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
                             ======================

    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED      ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    REMOVING CLOTHES:                 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
    With partner's consent.....12     Shoes flew off...............35
    Without partner's consent.187     Expression didn't change....1/2
                                      Orchestra swelled.............6
    UNHOOKING BRA:                    Birds sang
    Using two calm hands........7      Large birds..................7
    Using one trembling hand...36      Small birds..................3
                                      Earth moved..................30

    Lifting partner............15     PULLING OUT:
    Dragging partner on floor..16     After orgasm................1/2
    Using skateboard............3     A few moments before orgasm.500

    ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:              PENIS ENVY:
    For normal healthy man....2.5     For woman.....................3
    Losing erection............14     For men......................72
    Searching for it..........115
                                      GUILT:
    PUTTING ON CONDOM:                Despite no formal training,
    With erection.............1.5     orgasm comes easily..........53
    Without erection..........300     You're enjoying sex,despite the
                                      fact that other people are
    INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:              starving......................2
    If the woman who does it is       Sex on your lunch hour........3
    Experienced.................6     Putting it on expense account..
    Inexperienced..............73                                  20
    If a man does it..........680     AGGRAVATION:
    Add (5) calories for retrieving   Partner keeps showing plants..5
    it from across the room.          Partner insists on cuddling the
                                      dog during foreplay..........14
    ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:         Partner visiting bathroom for
    Italian- Man on top,woman in      7th time.....................10
    kitchen....................26     Partner taking phone calls....7
    Russian- Woman on bottom,         Partner making phone calls...40
    Man getting permission.....55
    American- Both on top......60     GETTING CAUGHT:
                                      By partner's spouse..........60
    SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:         By your spouse..............100
    Bouncing....................7     Trying to explain............55
    Sliding around..............9     Trying to remain calm.......100
    Serious skidding...........12     Leaping out of bed...........75
    Whiplash...................27     Getting dressed in one motion
                                                                  500
                                      Thanking partner quickly......2
    ORGASM:
    Real.......................27
    Faked.....................160


Mike R (10000000000000 calories overweight, but working on it with a
smile.)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 08:14:09 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: The 9 Types of users -- Part 2

[Cont. from yesterday]

Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!"  'Sir, at a guess,
                this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.'  "But I did
                that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"
Advantages:     Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages:  People complain when scons actually use the word
'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms:       Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around.  Must
be
                the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case:      At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
                WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.

Taskmaster -    "Well, this is a file in MacWrite.  Do you know how I can
upload
                it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it
                onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-
                column format?"
Advantages:     Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages:  Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms:       An inability to keep quiet.  Strong tendancies to make
machines
                do things they don't want to do.
Real Case:      One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's
                E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his
                target's home system, account name, or real name.

Maestro -       "Well, first I sat down, like this.  Then I logged on, like
                this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and
                after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went
                to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose,
                like this. . ."
Advantages:     Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages:  For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms:       Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but
what
                was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well,
                I'm getting to that."
Real Case:      I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's
shoulder
                while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and
                denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their
                document was 87 copies of the same thing).

Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
                "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved,
                would you please garrote him and put him in the paper
                recycling bin?"
Advantages:     Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages:  Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
                this planet.
Symptoms:       Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case:      One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he
                (the user) didn't like it.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 09:01:52 EDT
From:    Giddy in Greenville <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Lost Ann Landers Letters (again!)

LOST ANN LANDERS LETTER NUMBER TWO

DEAR ANN LANDERS: Say a word or two on behalf of us wives of [government
nostril inspectors/ licensed sausage casing repairmen/ wet blasters]. We
have had to endure the old stereotype that our husbands are [dirtballs/
reptiles/ ingenious wax replicas]. I was out to lunch the other day with
some [girlfriends/ Roman Catholic cardinals/ Zulu warriors] and one of
them made a cheap and heartless joke about my husband's [breath/ DNA/
nose bag]. My husband works hard for a dollar, and he is real close to
getting one. Also, it is not my fault he married me. How about it, Ann?
                                                    -PRICKLY IN PRESCOTT


LOST ANN LANDERS LETTER NUMBER THREE

DEAR ANN LANDERS: I am a young, attractive, pleasant man who has a nice
job and is perfectly normal in every way, except there is some kind of
lemur growing right out of my stomach and I am engaged to marry a
174-year-old woman from a dwarf star and I can't fall asleep at night
until a dump truck has dumped at least 380 pounds of loose feldspar--
the chunks being no smaller than one and a half inches per facet-- onto
my prone body. So settle an argument between me and my invisible condor
Jim Ed: in Australian-rules football, how many wattles must there be
before a murmansk is called? Is it different in the Olympics?
                                      -NORMAL (PERFECTLY) IN BOBO, N.M.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
excerpts from
_Lose Weight Through Great Sex With Celebrities (The Elvis Way)_
 by Colin McEnroe

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 09:57:31 EDT
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Royko: Let the punishment fit the crime

MICHAEL FAY (Whip him, beat him, throw the first stone) by Mike Royko

     Most major papers have had editorials condemning the flogging as
barbaric; other columnists have jumped in, and my mountain of letters
and faxes on this subject is growing by the minute. The latest tally
shows that about 90 percent of them are enthusiastic about young Fay
being flogged.

     As many of them say: "That's what we should do in this country."
And as more than one has said: "Let the punishment fit the crime."
Which is kind of ridiculous, when you consider the crime and the
planned punishment.

     The crime: Fay and other young men went on a binge of vandalism.
They spray-painted and threw eggs at cars, switched license plates,
tore down traffic signs and committed other stupid acts. The
punishment: Several months in jail, a $2,000-plus fine and flogging.
It's the six strokes on the butt that stirred the controversy. And the
bloodthirsty cheers. We are not talking about a mere spanking. In
Singapore, you are flogged with a bamboo rod, wielded by a martial
arts expert. Skin and flesh fly. Blood flows. The floggee is scarred
for life. And if he faints, as some do, a doctor revives him so he
feels the next whack.

     I concede that vandalism is nasty. And I'd be upset if someone
egged or spray-painted my car. But is it a crime that justifies what
amounts to torture? Well, if you think that, then you have led an
amazingly blameless life and have raised children who are models of
virtue. And I doubt that most of those who are baying for young Fay's
blood qualify on either count. However, if this is what people want, I
say give it to them.

     So I propose that we revise some of our laws. Let us begin with
traffic. Speeding causes deaths. So does lane-hopping, jumping stop
signs, going through red lights and failing to use turn signals. So
let us apply a bamboo rod to the bare butts of those who break these
laws. What's that you say? You have never, ever broken a traffic law?
Sorry, but unless you don't know how to drive, I don't believe it.
Even the pokiest fuddy-duddy on the road goofs up once in a while,
even if he isn't caught.

     Littering is a form of vandalism against society as a whole,
since we have to spend countless millions of tax dollars to pick up
after those who toss a wrapper or a cigarette or a Kleenex on the
sidewalk or street. So let us lop off one finger on all litterers,
young or old. If your kid flips that Popsicle stick in the gutter, I
want to see that finger plop. If granny blows her nose and tosses the
tissue in an alleyway, let the doc revive her after her pinky is
zapped.

     Then we have the problem of substance abuse. Stuff like smoking
marijuana and underage drinking. Of course, you never did it, nor did
your children or grandchildren, nieces or nephews. But for those who
do, let the punishment fit the crime, and I don't think flogging is
enough. I say their lips should be amputated. It is damned hard to
puff a joint or drink an illegal beer if you have no lips. And when we
see a lipless person on the street or picking up our daughters for a
date, we would know he was not to be trusted.

     Ask any cop how much of his time is spent going on calls for
domestic disputes. Most of the time, they result in little more than a
disorderly conduct charge, a mere misdemeanor. Yet they tie up the
police and waste the time of judges, clerks, bailiffs and other public
servants. Sometimes they escalate into more serious offenses --
assaults, even homicide. So this offense should be nipped in the bud.
Forget about disorderly conduct, a mere slap on the wrist. The key is
to remove the root cause of domestic strife -- the genitals. In all
such cases, the man should have his male appendage sliced off, and the
woman's parts should be mutilated and rendered useless. Then people
would think twice before getting in kitchen fights and throwing stuff
at each other and calling the cops.

     Non-payment of bills? Out with an eye. Calling in sick and
skipping work when you aren't? That is theft. Off with your tongue for
lying. A fib on your tax return? How about beheading? So how about it,
all you Michael Fay-haters. Have you given any thought to how much
Windex it takes to clean your glass house?

(C) 1994 BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE, DSTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 09:15:35 -0600
From:    Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject: First Aid, Amish Gardening,
         Animals for Women (See 1st line for warning)

***First Aid: off. to those who hate medical ignorance Motley Crue, and
sware words. Amish Gardening might possibly offend the Amish. Animals for
Women might offend women in general. (Probably not, though)

This was originally posted to rec.humor.funny Newsgroup by Tom Magliery
and was forwarded to me for posting. Here is the first part.

I have a little "first aid tips" card.  You pull the tab down till
the indicator points to an ailment, and the little window displays
symptoms and treatment.  My roommate got hold of it and
modified the treatments somewhat.  (The symptoms are what the card
actually says):

APPENDICITIS    Pain in right lower abdomen.   Who cares?  It's a
                Nausea, possible vomiting      vestigial organ anyway.
                and fever.                     Give him an aspirin.

BURNS and       Redness, mild swelling, and    Peel away dead skin.  Rub
SCALDS          pain.  Blisters may develop.   vigorously to encourage
                                               good circulation.

CONVULSION      Strong, jerking movements;     Sit on victim.  Laugh at
                stiff body.  Difficulty        him until he gets
                breathing.  Bluish face.       embarrassed and stops.
                Eyes rolled back, gritting
                of teeth, frothy mouth.

CROUP           Noisy, difficult breathing.    Stuff a sock in victim's
                Hoarse, barking cough.         mouth.

CUTS and        Cuts bleed and hurt.           Call victim a sissy and
BRUISES         Bruises get red, swollen,      and send him back out to
                and hurt.                      play.

DOG BITE        Redness, swelling and          Scold victim.  Shoot dog.
                bleeding if skin is broken.
                Fear of the dog.

DROWNING        Unconscious, pale or blue      Talk about what a great
                skin.                          guy he was.

EARACHE         Pain.  Possible dizziness      Listen to one hour of
                or discharge from ear.         Motley Crue.  THEN you'll
                Possible fever.                know what an earache is.

FAINTING        Pale, clammy skin,             Before victim revives, take
                dizziness, shallow             his wallet and clothes and
                breathing, sweating and        put him on a bus to Toledo.
                temporary unconsciousness.

FEVER           Body temperature over          Administer 4 oz. of 'Old
                98.6 degrees F (37 C).         Jayhawk' [cheap whiskey]
                Hot forehead.                  every 2 hours.

FROSTBITE       Skin flushed, then changing    Submerge in boiling water.
                to white or greyish yellow.
                Blister may appear.  Cold
                and numb.  Pain.

HEAT            High temperature.  Pale and    Lock up victim in walk-in
EXHAUSTION      clammy skin, or hot and        freezer for 1-2 hours.
                flushed skin.  Headache and
                weakness.  Possible nausea.

INSECT BITES    Pain and redness at the        Capture insect and mash to
and STINGS      site of the sting or bite.     paste.  Dissolve in one
                Possible allergic reactions    cup of milk and have victim
                such as shock or difficulty    drink.
                breathing.

NOSEBLEED       Profuse bleeding from the      Apply tourniquet to
                nose.                          victim's neck.

POISONING       Symptoms vary.  Throat or      Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia
                stomach pains.  Mouth burns.   solution to flush system.
                Vomiting.  Drowsiness.

SHOCK           Victim pale and weak.          Grasp victim firmly by the
                Clammy skin, perspiration on   shoulders and shake,
                upper lip and forehead.        shouting, "Snap out of it!"
                Pulse rate and breathing
                rate are increased.

STROKE          Unconscious.  Heavy            Kiss patient goodbye.
                breathing.  Apparent           It's all over.
                weakness in face or limbs on
                one side of body.  Inability
                to speak.

SUNBURN         Redness, mild swelling, and    Remove reddened skin with
                pain.  Possible blisters.      sandpaper.  Soak affected
                                               area in alcohol.

SWALLOWING      Dangerous when in air          Shout, "Hey, dumbshit,
FOREIGN         passages.  Violent coughing    spit that out!  Whatsa
BODIES          and choking.  Bluish facial    matter with you!"
                discoloration.  Breathing
                may stop.

TOOTHACHE       Pain.  Tooth is sensitive      Alternate administration of
                to hot and cold food and       hot coffee and ice cream.
                fluids.

Jess (Part II tomorrow)
(More non-contributor postings. Those wishing to have stuff put on HUMOR
but don't want to mess around with contributor status, send 'em to me,
I'll look at them.)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 08:31:04 -0800
From:    Larry Richards <LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU>
Subject: Commode  - Call Home clean

        A wireless tracking program will be used by the Department of
Defense to find the location of items in inventory. Each lot in a warehouse
will be tagged with a tiny radio transmitter. For example, if you were to
call all toilet seats, they would call back and tell you where they are.
(Atlanta Journal-Constitution 4/21/94 F2)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 11:58:43 -0400
From:    Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Twins & horses <clean>

There was once this guy who had married a twin, and he had the hardest
telling his wife from her twin.  It was only after about 7 years of
marriage and never knowing if he was doing to bed with his wife or
her twin that he finally discovered that his wife was about 2 inches
shorter than her brother.

This same guy had two identical horses, and here, too, he had great
difficulty telling them part.  Finally, he got the bright idea of
cropping the mane and the tail of the red one.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 12:09:36 EDT
From:    "William A. Reitwiesner" <wrei@SEQ1.LOC.GOV>
Subject: Kurt Cobain joke (gross)

What is red and white and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?



His walls.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 12:21:35 -0400
From:    "Joshua J. Guers" <guer2587@ACAD.CSV.KUTZTOWN.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You <sort-of offensive>

This is a first for me on the HUMOR list, a non game show list, but
unfortunately, there are game show refenences. Oh well, don't bite the
hand that feeds you.


                TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS CHEATING ON YOU

                10. Calls you "Moe"
                 9. Has had that not-so-fresh feeling everyday
                    after work
                 8. Tells you to ignore the hickies all over her body-
                    she insists you gave them to her while you were
                    stone drunk
                 7. Insists you leave the house when the "Maytag Repairman"
                    comes over
                 6. Tries out for "Love Connection"
                 5. Tries out Chuck Woolery
                 4. You scream out the wrong name-sorry, that's a sign
                    YOU'VE been cheating on your girlfriend
                 3. Begins to compare you to John Bobbitt
                 2. Begins to compare you to Lorenna Bobbitt
                 1. Double parks the traffic cop

==============================================================================
                        YOURS IN HUMOR(?),
                                JOSH



------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 12:26:43 EST
From:    Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Almanac Humor: Loud beggar

A clamourous beggar following a gentleman who had not then
anything to give, but would not tell the beggar so, at last
turns back, sand says, "a man knows not to whom to be
charitable among so many of you, for there are some, who, if
a man do not give him something, they will curse him to his
face."

"O Sir," says the beggar, "you are mistaken in me; I am none
of those."

"Then," said the gentleman, "go your way, I will try you for
once." (Weatherwise's Almanack for 1795)


Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early
American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green St UP.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 15:48:02 EST
From:    Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Bittersweet poem about drinking

In Paul's Room by John Ciardi


This is Paul whose habits are
all he has to die of. He
has survived a shooting war,
an auto wreck, two wives, and three
collapses into Bellevue.
Tell me, bottle, tell me true:
do you drink him? does he drink you?

When Paul has seen his final Thing,
twitched his final twitch, and lies
very dead, what radiant wing
will descend out of the skies
to the told still of his brain
that his rotted soul again
stretch and lift? When Paul has lain

in statistics and a sigh,
tell me bottle, tell me true,
will you lift his soul on high
for all those years he lifted you?
Paul in here but Paul is dead.
There is no one in his head.
All that was Paul has been shed.

I remember, you do not,
what was Paul a thirst ago.
How do good men go to rot?
Is that something I could know?
If I drank you for a clue,
tell me, bottle, tell me true:
could I taste the Paul in you?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 12:42:00 PDT
From:    "Wayland Wasserman (temp)" <waylandw@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: FW: A very Heavy Subject...

<fwds trying to cope w/ cat litter in zero gravity>
 ----------

THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY...
 -----------------------------------------------

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the
floor butter-side down.  If a cat is dropped from a window
or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side
up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window?
Will the cat land on its feet?  Or will the butter splat on
the ground?

 ------------------------------------------------------------------
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result.  The laws of butterology demand
that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of
feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
resolve this paradox.  Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
you have discovered the secret of antigravity!  A buttered cat will,
when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium
point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing
lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this
principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system.  The
loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of
several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
bread off their backs they will instantly plummet.  Of course the cats
will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the
aforementioned anti-gravity device.

One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say,
about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs,
thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines.
More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?

I offer a modest proposal:

We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a
guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat.  Plaster the outside of
your ship with white shirts.  Place four nozzles symmetrically around the
ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped.  Fire tomato sauce out in
proportion to the directions you want to go.  The ship, drawn by the
shirts, will automatically follow the sauce.  If you use t-shirts, you
won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts.  This
does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now
falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the
counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine.  Your only hope at
that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide.  This will create
the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 16:31:55 -0400
From:    George Olson <GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: pun

why do crooked bankers flee to Canada?


















that's the only place they have Toronto


Ole's law: "Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 14:05:49 PDT
From:    hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life  4.8    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89

----------------------------------------------------

For I do not believe that the stars are spread over a
spherical surface at equal distances from one center;
I suppose their distances from us to vary so much that
some are 2 or 3 times as remote as others.   -- Galileo

----------------------------------------------------

Well not really a joke ... it really happened.

At a political agitation meeting at government store that my grandma worked
at in the 50s ... one of the shop-hands stood up and asked in complete
sincerity the speaker "So are we in 'communism yet, or is it going to get
worse?"  ...  Everyone tried to keep from laughing and the dumbfounded speaker
at first tried to give an answer and then just went to the next question :-).

----------------------------------------------------

Boy's Life, Aug 73:
     Once there was a horse named Clyde who had a special problem: Bird kept
building nests in his mane.  Clyde would shake them off, but while he was
asleep, the birds would rebuild them.  Finally things got so bad that Clyde
went to see a wise old owl for a solution to his problem.  The owl said,
"Before you go to sleep tonight, put yeast in your mane."  So Clyde went
home and followed the owl's advice, and when he woke the next morning, the
nests were gone.
     Moral:  "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet."

----------------------------------------------------

                              Answered
  Rosenberg also wanted to leave the country.
  "And what is _your_ reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
  "I am told a pogrom is being prepared.  Against the Jews and the barbers.
  "Why the barbers?"
  "Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."

                                Proof
  Back in Moscow, this Russian gives a lecture on life in the West.
  "The poverty, comrades!  The poverty is simply unimaginable for a
Soviet citizen.  The shops in Paris are full of the most wonderful
goods, but only very few people can afford them: There is not a single
queue to be seen anywhere..."

                          Ex definitione
  The party propogandist delivered a lecture to the assembled
employees of a Soviet collective farm.  On the bright horizons of
Communism, the classless society of which Marx had dreamt and of which
the Soviets are still dreaming, a Utopia in which there is no state,
and there is abundance for all.
  Next day, two peasants discuss the lecture.
  "I didn't understand what he meant by these 'bright horizons' all
the time, did you?"
  "Well, you know what bright is, don't you?"
  "Sure I know.  But what does horizon mean?"
  "That had me puzzled, too.  But I looked it up in the dictionary."
  "And what did it say?"
  "A fictitious line between earth and sky, which recedes into the
distance as the observer approaches."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 10:03:28 MST
From:    Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject: HUMOR:  New Barbie Doll

There's a new Barbie doll in the stores...

It's called Divorced Barbie.

It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 18:37:00 CST
From:    DANRICH SCOT <ACSLABSAD@ORION.DEPAUL.EDU>
Subject: New Tax Law <crude, poss. mild off.>

I got this from another student, who claims it has been playing
'Fax-tag' for a few years now.  Some parts have been updated
in light of semi-recent events.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Internal Revenue Service
Treasury Department
1111 Anywhere Dr.
Kansas City, Kansas

TO: All Male Taxpayers
FROM: United States Tax Agent
Subject: Notice of Increase In Tax Payments

Gentlemen:

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed you on is your pecker.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is
hardup and the other 10% of the time you find it in the hole.  On
top of this, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.

Accordingly, beginning May 1, 1995, your pecker will be taxed
according to its size, using the "Pecker and Checker" scale listed
belowto determine your category.

Please insert this information on page 6, space 3, line 9 of your
standard tax form under the category "Bobbit Tax":

         INCHES        CATAGORY          AMOUNT DUE
        --------      ----------        ------------

        10 - 12       Luxury Tax           $50.00
         8 - 10       Pole Tax             $25.00
         6 - 9        Privelege Tax        $15.00
         4 - 6        Nuisance Tax         $ 5.00


NOTE:  Anyone under four (4) inches is eligible for a refund.
       Please do not requestan extension.
       Males exceeding 12 inches should file under Captital Gains.


      Very Truly Yours,


      P.P. Cutyourpeckeroff
      United States Tax Agent


~~~~~~~~~~
[;-}
Scot
acslabsad@orion.depaul.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 21:13:07 EST
From:    Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Rude Humor: Blonde bomber joke

Did you hear about the dead blonde terrorists?
They died faxing a letter bomb.

I hope you enjoy this Humor list as much as I do. Of course I
once was a blonde. Sara

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 21:36:18 -0400
From:    Lloyd Abrams <labrams@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Veterinarian <Slightly offensive>

A woman calls her veterinarian and tells him that her male German shepherd
is making sexual advances towards her. He responds by suggesting that she
can bring him in to have him neutered.

"No," she replied. "All I want you to do is clip his toe nails and sweeten
his breath."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 25 Apr 1994 23:23:02 EST
From:    John Beck <FABJ@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject: Juggler joke <clean>

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop.  "Let's see you do it." The juggler
gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives.  Another man
driving by slows to watch.

"Wow," says the passer-by.  "I'm glad I quit drinking.  Look at the test
they're giving now!"



Reprinted from Reader's Digest, May '94

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Apr 1994 to 25 Apr 1994
************************************************

