From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 25 Apr 1994 to 26 Apr 1994
Date: Wednesday, April 27, 1994 12:00AM

There are 13 messages totalling 522 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Humor: How to be a cultist (offensive to cultists)
  2. French joke <clean>
  3. Proclaimations; Signs
  4. Clean college joke (2)
  5. Czech humour.
  6. Announcements...
  7. Joke: Russian woodcutter
  8. Life  4.8    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89
  9. Quick wit <salty language>
 10. First Aid Part II (may offend those who don't like medical ignorance
 11. Hazards of taking yourself too seriously?
 12. Top Ten List for 4/25/94

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 01:09:18 -0400
From:    TK Baltimore <tkbalt@EDISON.CS.NYU.EDU>
Subject: Humor: How to be a cultist (offensive to cultists)

HOW TO BE A CULTIST
(C)1993 Chris Bridges

1)  Pick one faith and stay with it.  Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.

2)  Avoid needless embarassment.  Practice the correct pronunciation of your
    god's name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. 
Flash
    cards are often helpful.

3)  Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

4)  Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in weight, you're just asking
    for trouble.

5)  Citronella candles may *not* be used in rituals.  I cannot stress this
    enough.  Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like
    beacons to the Dark Lords.

6)  Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife,
    thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms,
    and change.

7)  *Never* be the cultist that goes to rough up the investigator.  Ransacking
    hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is
    a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.

8)  When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader.  Enraged
    demons always go for the pompous.

9)  Don't gloat.

10) If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.

11) If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the investigators to die
    slowly.  They don't.

12) If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die
slowly,
    don't have the audacity to look surprised when thy show up to foil you.

13) Investigators always show up at the last moment to foil you.  Start a
half-
    hour early, they hate that.

14) Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording
ample
    concealment.

15) Never fuck with anything whose genetic structure you do not feel
absolutely
    comfortable about.

16) Never admit to having fucked anything whose genetic structure you didn't
    feel absolutely comfortable about.

17) When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
    Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember
    this simple safety tip.

18) When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

19) During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally
    considered bad form.

20) Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the ritual.
    The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been
    witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.

21) Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix.  When the
    shit comes down it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the
    gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering
    monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a
good
    hot bath.

22) Never play strip Tarot.

23) Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand
    against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul.  However, it
    is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be
    prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.

24) For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible
    or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving
    a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it.
    However, a mock-victim sculpted from Spam will be all right too.

--originally appeard in The Unspeakable Oath #8/9--

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 10:11:09 -0400
From:    Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: French joke <clean>

I've just received this joke in French, which I thought was a good one.
I've re-written it in English, trying to get the flavor:

From: <gag@thot.u-strasbg.fr>

 |> Un homme entre dans un bar, commande un cafe, 3f, le boit et paie
 |> en placant 3 pieces de 1f eparpillees sur le comptoir. le garcon ramasse
 |> l'argent, agace.
 |> Idem le lendemain...
 |> pareil le surlendemain...
 |> etc pendant un mois...
 |> Puis un matin, l'homme arrive dans le cafe, commande un cafe, 3f, le
 |> boit, et pose sur le comptoir une piece de 5f. Le garcon surpris
 |> arrive, prend l argent, et histoire de se venger, rend la monnaie en
 |> pieces de 5cts en les mettant partout sur le comptoir. puis il
 |> savoure sa victoire en regardant l'homme qui cherche dans sa poche,
 |> sort une piece de 1f, la pose sur le comptoir (encore une fois) en
 |> disant:  "Garcon, un autre..."
 |>
 |> Banana Jr. ...........................
 |> EMail  gorse@lpserveur.inrets.fr
 |> --------------------------------------

A man comes into a cafe, orders a coffee, 75 cents, drinks it and flings
3 quarters on the counter.  The waiter, somewhat frosted, picks up the coins.
The next day, the same thing happens.
And the next day, same thing.
This farce continues for a month.
Then one day, the man comes in, orders his 75-cent coffee, and pays for
it with a dollar bill.  The surprised waiter takes the money, and to reap
his revenge on the customer, slings out the change in 25 pennies
scattered all over the counter.  He's savoring his victory when the guy
pulls out two more quarters and says, "Waiter, one more coffee!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 09:15:37 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Proclaimations; Signs

AP reports 4/12/94 that there will be no proclamation this year
marking National Accordion Awareness Week, National Anxiety Month
and Carpenter Ant Awareness Week. Too bad for Montana accordianists who
worry about carpenter ants. (Note: I retyped this in more or less my
own words to avoid the copyright problem.)

Governor Marc Racicot scrapped the routine proclaimations because of
budget constraints... apparently previously one staffer used to spend
about half of every day processing proclaimations when they were doing
every proclaimation requested.

The new policy was put in late last year... with no announcement, of
course.

No groups have complained. "You just have to accept it," said Williiam
Morris of the US All Presidents Day Society, which wants to mark April
30, the date when George Washington was elected, as the day to
celebrate his presidency.

If it wasn't for the change of policy, Racicot would have been busy
next month proclaiming National Memo Day and National Salad Month. Too
bad, but both will now pass unobserved.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a sign outside a restaurant that I pass frequently that
says " Now Serving Food " . It makes me wonder what they used to serve.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're old when... you go to the music store
and all of your favorite groups have "The Best Of..." CD's.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A relative claims to have seen this one: After driving a few
hundred miles of desert, with nothing much to break the
horizon, a sign began to loom ahead. It read:

        MONOTONOUS,  ISN'T  IT?

She says that it took another hundred miles to wipe the
grin off her face. Has anyone seen this? (It was a US
desert, presumably in the CA/UT/NEV area, eh?).
----------------------------------------------------------------------
While driving across the salt flats in Utah a few years back
(pretty dull scenery after a while), I noticed that someone
had stuck a little handmade sign into the white-topped ground
next to the highway, declaring "SALT."

That's nice, I think, and continue for another couple of miles,
where I see a little (say 10' x 10') area that somebody has
hoed, so that the white-top is mixed in with the dirt below.
In the middle of this patch is another sign:  "PEPPER"

I laughed all the way to Nevada!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 10:27:50 EDT
From:    Matt Hamlyn <MSHAML00@UKCC.UKY.EDU>
Subject: Clean college joke

      I recently found a good slogan for all large universities like mine
(UK):

      At our university, you're not just a number.
      You're 3 numbers, and a dash, then 2 more numbers, and another dash, and
      then four more numbers!

                                   ////
                                  (O O)
______________________________OOOO_(_)_OOOO_____________________________

MM   MM     A    TTTTTTTTTTTT   MSHAML00@UKCC.UKY.EDU OR UKPR.UKY.EDU
M M M M    A A      T    T      UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY
M  M  M   AAAAA     T    T      GO REDS!  AVOID MONOLINGUALISM,
M     M  A     A    T    T      LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 16:40:16 METDST
From:    Miroslav Otrisal <otr@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject: Czech humour.

Doctors have many enemies on the earth and still more in the
heaven.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 11:30:35 EDT
From:    Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Announcements...

I know that the HUMOR list is not the place for announcements and such,
but the following information is urgent and needs to be sent out
immediately. I apologize in advance...

* The Episcopalian Primal Scream meeting at St. Franz's Church is
canceled. People who felt they had an especially good scream ready this
week may tape it and present it next week, although they will also be
required to produce an original, live scream at that time.

* The Irritability Support Group meeting at Jim's Corners is canceled.
Okay? Are you satisfied? We were going to postpone it but... we just
didn't, all right? Look, you think you can run this group better, Mr.
Big Shot, just go ahead. It's all yours. We wash our hands. Well? Okay,
then, don't second-guess us.
Jerk.

* The Little Bitty Eeeny Weeny Fuzzy Wuzzy Willy Winkum Dirty Ducky
Diaper Tweedle- de- deedle- de- arra- sh'boom -blam! -blam! -aiieeeee
Day Care Center in Blystred Oakes will close its itsy-bitsy doors early
today, when the ducky-wucky's big tow is on the twelve and the
ducky-wucky's little wing is on the one. All the daddies and mommies
should come and pick up their little pixies right after Mr. Milk and
Mrs. Cracker Time, except for the mommy and daddy of Joey, who busted
out of maximum security this morning. He is now at-large and is believed
to have Mrs. Fairfellow with him as a hostage. (Mr. Bibblegrooks was on
the table for three hours, the doctors believe they got most of the
Lego.)

* Classes at Wamago Regional High School will not be affected in any
way. It's just that Wamago is such a funny name, I like to mention it.

* Tonight's Etruscan Goat Dancing at the Cheshire Community Center is
canceled. However, persons who do not bring their own goats to dance
with and had asked that one be provided for them should go to the center
and pick theirs up and dance with it just a little, inasmuch as its
expectations will have been built up. Mrs. Upsala will be there waiting
with the goats until eight, and then she doesn't know what she'll do.

* The Radio-Controlled Airplane Hobbyist Club of Perno will meet as
scheduled. However, people involved in this sort of activity are, it
should be observed, geeks.

* The First Holy Sepulcher-in-the-Seed Turtle-Handling Church of the
Divine in Derby announces that due to the Promised Storm signaling the
End of the Last Days of the Factory Close-Out Sale of This World and the
Judgement Upon the Wicked and the Spinning of Their Unrighteous
Chainless and Unstudded Tires in the Ruts of Their Own Devising and the
Fishtailing of the Sinners Doomed to Skid into the Ditch of Perdition,
there will be no potluck supper tonight.

* Wamago Wamago Wamago

* The Rap Session for the Chronically Indecisive is flat-out canceled,
and that's that. Unless you think it might let up. We heard one guy in
the luncheonette say it might, but I don't know if he'd heard a weather
report or if he was just... Gee, hate to miss a meeting if it's not that
bad out. If we postponed it a couple of hours, you figure the plows...
What are other groups doing?

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
adapted from an excerpt from
_Lose Weight Through Great Sex With Celebrities (The Elvis Way)_
 by Colin McEnroe

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 11:44:48 EST
From:    Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Joke: Russian woodcutter

Sasha was cutting trees in a "sowhoz" (russian tree farm) deep down the
"tajga" (the russian cold forest). He averaged almost 70 trees a day, because
he was a really strong man . But the general council of the sowhoz decided he
should cut more trees. So they bought him a good Japanese chain-saw. There was
a great supprise, when the next week Sasha averaged only 50 trees a day. The
decision was that the chain-saw must be poorly manufactured, or broken.

So a group of Japanese experts was called to the sight. They watched Sasha cut
the trees for a while. Finaly one of them turned to the other one and said:
"joooi, sambai gheroo divi, alor tout "TAJGA" furait bleur bla" ("Geez, man,
if we turn the chain-saw on, he will cut the whole "Tajga"")

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 09:44:23 PDT
From:    hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life  4.8    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89

----------------------------------------------------

>From 'The Jokes of Oppression: The Humor of Soviet Jews'.

  During the period of Stalin's Great Terror in the 1930s, this
scenario was frequently heard.
  "How long are you here for?" the prison guard asked the newly
arrived inmate.
  "Ten Years," the prisoner replied.
  "What did you do?" asked the guard.
  "Nothing," came the reply.
  "That's not possible," said the guard.  "For nothing, they give you
five years, not ten."

Question:  What is the necessary transitional stage between socialism
           and Communism?
Answer:    Alcoholism.

  The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political
joke.  First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years;
third prize, three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one
year each.

  Ivanov was standing in a very long line for vodka.
  "We have General Secretary Gorbachev to thank for such a long line,"
one of Ivanov's neighbors in line muttered.  "He's making the stuff
very scarce."
  "I can't endure this any more,"  Ivanov said, walking away.  "I'm
going to get my rifle and kill Gorbachev."
  Two hours later Ivanov returned to the line.  "What happened?" the
others asked.
  "I decided to get back in this line.  It's shorter than the line to
kill Gorbachev."

  In a dentist's office, the following exchange took place.
  "How much does it cost to get a tooth pulled in the Soviet Union?"
inquired the American tourist.
  "Three thousand rubles," replied Dr. Khaimovich.
  "Three thousand rubles!  Whay so much?" asked the startled American.
  "Because it isn't such an easy operation in a country where you
always have to keep your mouth shut," explained the Soviet dentist.

                            Computer Compassion
  At last, the first Soviet computer had been produced.  The engineers did
not get it, nor the physicists.  First things first: It went to the
institute of Marxism-Lenninism.
  "IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" asked one of its
theologists, typing at the keyboard.
  "YES, IT IS," printed the computer.  "BUT IT WOULD BE A PITY TO
DESTROY SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 16:25:43 EST
From:    Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Quick wit <salty language>

From:    Simon Bradley <syb3@ABER.AC.UK>
Subject: Quick wit

There was a young assistant manager who was working in a produce department.

One day he went up to his boss and said, "Some asshole wants a half head of
lettuce," but when he turned around that man was standing there. He quickly
said, "But that's alright, this gentleman here will take the other half."

His boss was impressed with the young assistant's quick wit. He said, "We
could
use a man of your style in our Sudbury branch, how would you like to work
there?"

The assistant said in horror, "Only whores and hockey players come from
Sudbury!"

His boss quickly stated, "My wife comes from Sudbury!"

The assistant quickly asks, "Oh, what team did she play for?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 15:09:23 -0600
From:    Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject: First Aid Part II (may offend those who don't like medical ignorance

First of all, sorry about the extra warning in the last posting, I took
the jokes out because it was getting too long. They will be soon to come...

Part two of First Aid.

HEAT            High temperature.  Pale and    Lock up victim in walk-in
EXHAUSTION      clammy skin, or hot and        freezer for 1-2 hours.
                flushed skin.  Headache and
                weakness.  Possible nausea.

INSECT BITES    Pain and redness at the        Capture insect and mash to
and STINGS      site of the sting or bite.     paste.  Dissolve in one
                Possible allergic reactions    cup of milk and have victim
                such as shock or difficulty    drink.
                breathing.

NOSEBLEED       Profuse bleeding from the      Apply tourniquet to
                nose.                          victim's neck.

POISONING       Symptoms vary.  Throat or      Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia
                stomach pains.  Mouth burns.   solution to flush system.
                Vomiting.  Drowsiness.

SHOCK           Victim pale and weak.          Grasp victim firmly by the
                Clammy skin, perspiration on   shoulders and shake,
                upper lip and forehead.        shouting, "Snap out of it!"
                Pulse rate and breathing
                rate are increased.

STROKE          Unconscious.  Heavy            Kiss patient goodbye.
                breathing.  Apparent           It's all over.
                weakness in face or limbs on
                one side of body.  Inability
                to speak.

SUNBURN         Redness, mild swelling, and    Remove reddened skin with
                pain.  Possible blisters.      sandpaper.  Soak affected
                                               area in alcohol.

SWALLOWING      Dangerous when in air          Shout, "Hey, dumbshit,
FOREIGN         passages.  Violent coughing    spit that out!  Whatsa
BODIES          and choking.  Bluish facial    matter with you!"
                discoloration.  Breathing
                may stop.

TOOTHACHE       Pain.  Tooth is sensitive      Alternate administration of
                to hot and cold food and       hot coffee and ice cream.
                fluids.

Jess

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 17:50:21 -0600
From:    Kerry Vosswinkel <VOSSWINKEL_K%FLC@VAXF.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Hazards of taking yourself too seriously?

BUTTING HEADS

 After protesting the use of his name as a secret code word for a
 new Apple Computer model, astronomer Carl Sagan is now suing Apple upon
 discovering that the code word was changed to BHA (for Butt Head
 Astronomer). (Wall Street Journal 4/11/94 A1)

 Kerry

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 22:27:57 -0500
From:    Matt Loach <LOAC9687@SPLAVA.CC.PLATTSBURGH.EDU>
Subject: Re: Clean college joke

>      I recently found a good slogan for all large universities like mine
(UK):
>
>      At our university, you're not just a number.
>      You're 3 numbers, and a dash, then 2 more numbers, and another dash,
and
>      then four more numbers!
>[...]
>MSHAML00@UKCC.UKY.EDU OR UKPR.UKY.EDU

   They leave out the dashes here; so it would be:

"At _our_ university, you're not just a number, you're a _nine_ number
string!"

           # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
          # Matthew Loach  [Haz-Mat]    "Have wrench, will travel." #
           # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
            # COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle #
             # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 26 Apr 1994 20:07:00 EST
From:    "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 4/25/94

---> April 25, 1994 <---

=================================
Top Ten Singapore Tourist Slogans
=================================

10. You'll never sit down again!
 9. Singapore -- spanking clean!
 8. Screw with us and we'll beat the crap out of you!
 7. Singapore -- it's canerific!
 6. Yeeeeee-ouuuuuuch!
 5. We'll spray-paint any car for $99.95!
 4. Give us a week and we'll take off the flesh!
 3. Drop your pants, round-eyes!
 2. You can bet your ass you'll have fun!
 1. Bend over!

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

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------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Apr 1994 to 26 Apr 1994
************************************************

