From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 26 Apr 1994 to 27 Apr 1994 - Special issue
Date: Wednesday, April 27, 1994 10:17PM

There are 20 messages totalling 1017 lines in this issue.

Topics in this special issue:

  1. Procrastination -joke/not-offensive
  2. Amy Fischer <Possibly Offensive to Teen Age Prostitutes>
  3. Weird News: Norwegian Bank Robbery
  4. offensive to polish and italians (maybe)
  5. Intelligence of Dogs
  6. HUMOR notes & an old folk's joke
  7. The defects factory. (More Marco A. Almazan Humor) (2)
  8. How to make a toaster controller
  9. Alamac humor: The philosopher and the tyrant
 10. Practical joke: the zapper
 11. Interesting News Items from Globe & Mail, Toronto.
 12. Chemistry: True Story!
 13. Tongue in check MS windows article
 14. country, computer jokes,& 1 farm animal sex <slightly adult>
 15. Birth Control <adult theme>
 16. Life  4.9    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89
 17. Terrorist Joke <clean unless you are pro-terrorist :)>
 18. Helpful Kitchen Tips
 19. Top Ten List for 4/26/94

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 01:01:05 -0400
From:    "Nigel H. Mendez" <nhmen@CONNCOLL.EDU>
Subject: Procrastination -joke/not-offensive

                            Procrastinator's Creed

1.  I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.

2.  I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3.  I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4.  I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of
    bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5.  I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies,
    astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6.  I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
    amount of time given.

7.  I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
    infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8.  If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9.  I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change
    my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write
    the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task
    to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to
    beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the
    Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.


This is not my collection, but I recieved it with no name on it.

-
nigel

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 08:16:31 EST
From:    John Swift <SWIFTY@MEDISENSE.COM>
Subject: Amy Fischer <Possibly Offensive to Teen Age Prostitutes>

Amy Fischer enters her bank to deposit a fresh, crisp $50.99 bill.

Sez the Teller "I'm sorry, ms Fischer, but this bill is a counterfit!"

Sez Amy "Help! I've been raped!!"

Swifty

John K Swift
SWIFTY@medisense.com

**********************************************************************

"Those who are proud of an orderly desk, will never know the
thrill of finding something they thought was irretrievably
lost"

**********************************************************************

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 08:33:05 -0400
From:    Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Weird News: Norwegian Bank Robbery

From the Daily Collegian

Oslo, Norway -- When 80-year-old Harry Olsen limped into an Oslo bank and
saw customers cowering on the floor, he headed straight for an armed robber
who was leaning over the counter collecting cash.

The partially disabled Olsen took aim with his heavy cane and walloped the
gunman so hard on the neck that the bandit dropped his pistol, newspapers
reported yesterday.

"The neck is a weak point," Olsen was quoted as telling the Oslo newspaper,
Arbeiderbladet. "The gunman was really dazed by the blow."

The robber, in his early 20s, recovered enough to throw a small sign at
Olsen, slightly injuring his ear. But three other customers overpowered the
suspect and held him until police arrived.

"That was very well done for a man of his age," Jan Lokke of the Oslo police,
said about Monday's incident.

It was nothing, claimed Olsen. "I'm a tough guy."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 09:06:18 -0400
From:    gwen eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: offensive to polish and italians (maybe)

A foreman at a construction site looked up an saw one of his men swinging
from some electrical wires saying, "Whee, I'm a lightbulb." The foreman yelled
to the worker, "Kowalski, you could kill yourself! When I get back from lunch,
I expect you to be back to work."

The foreman came back from lunch and saw Kowalski still swinging happily
from the electrical wires, "Whee, I'm a light bulb."

The foreman had had it. He took the elevator up and told Kowalski that he
was fired. On his way down, the foreman looked over and saw the little Italian
carpenter packing his tools. He asked, "Guiseppi, where do you think you are
going?"
"What, you think ima crazy, work with no light?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 09:26:27 -0400
From:    Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest
         <Robert.C.Nordvall@ADMIN.GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Intelligence of Dogs

A recent survey on the intelligence of various breeds of dogs prompts
a story about a very intelligent dog
- - - -

A man walks into a bar with a [insert your favorite breed of dog] and
asks for a martini.  The dog requests a double martini.

The bartender says to the man "So you're a ventriloquist.  Big deal.
We don't serve dogs in here."

The man gets up to go to the men's room and the dog again requests
his drink.  The bartender is amazed.  "My god, you can talk.  Will
you do a favor for me?"

The dog replies "what's in it for me?"

The bartender goes to cash register and takes out $20 bill.  "Here's
$20.  Go across the street to Riley's bar and tell the guys in there
that they are a bunch of wimps and that our softball team will whip
their asses when we play this weekend."

The dog goes out.  His owner returns and asks "where's Rover?"  the
bartender says "He went across the street to do me a favor."  The
owner is visibly upset and says "I don't let Rover out alone!"

The dog's owner leaves immediately to retrieve Rover.  but Rover is
not across the street.  He is in the gutter in front of the bar going
at it fast and hard with a bitch dog.  The owner is amazed.  "Rover,
what's come over you?  You've never done anything like this before."

Rover responds "I never had money before."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 10:10:28 EDT
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR notes & an old folk's joke

HUMOR has 2800+ registered readers from over 40 countries. Our success
comes primarily from members' recommendations. Please recommend HUMOR.
I encourage re-distribution of HUMOR to local lists and BBSs.

Today we received our first reader from Macedonia. Welcome!

If your internet account is going to expire, please send the listserv
the SIGNOFF HUMOR command. Most services don't automatically delete an
expired account's subscriptions. If you address is going to change,
please signoff from the old address and subscribe again from the new
address. This netiquette saves your hardworking unpaid listowner much
work. :-)

You are invited to apply for contributor's status. The average
contributor sends 2-3 articles a month. Our regulars typically send 2-
3 articles a week. To be a contributor, you are not obligated to send
even one article per month. To be eligible for the C-list you must (1)
be a registered reader; (2) know how to send LISTSERV commands; (3)
agree to observe HUMOR's rules. When you ask for a C-list application,
you receive two files: (1) Instructions about requirements 2 & 3, and
(2) An application. The purpose of the C-list is to protect our
readers from the careless, impolite, or inept.

Obligatory humor:

I got this joke from a gentle soul from South Africa:

A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a retirement home.
Both are bored.

Mabel: Nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!

Doris: I agree. Let's do something that will jerk them into action!

So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention
of the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves.

She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and
Humphrey...

Harold: Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past...

Humphrey: Hmm, I think so. Couldn't say for sure.

Harold: My eyes aren't too good these days. What was she wearing?

Humphrey: Hmm, couldn't say for sure, but whatever it was it was in
need of ironing!

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 08:45:57 MEX
From:    Antonio Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject: The defects factory. (More Marco A. Almazan Humor)

     First, as nobody answer my request, it's no longer a request. I cast the
glove to see if somebody have good pranks for a bachelor party. This guy gets
married on may 7th. so I am very short on time to get something hilarious.
     Now I will proceed with my humor.

                           The defects factory.

     A long time ago, an old friend invited me to see the factory he was the
manager. This factory was set on a humongous building outside the city,
everything there was functional, and before I can get into the building, I had
to pass a phisical condition and a psicological exam, then they gave me a
white robe, a helmet and a tag with my name, adress, phone number and the
number of two bank accounts with the amount of money on each one.
     My friend received me in a very luxurious office.
-Sorry for this reception, but all the exams are part of the company policies,
but I'm  sure you understand it, as we are a target for industrial espionage.
I told him not to worry as i tried to light a cigarrete.
No! -He shouted don't you ever think smoking here.
Why, do you produce explosives or work with flammable materials? -I asked.
No, here we produce defects, but anyway you can't smoke here. Come with me
and you'll see.
     We get into a very big room, where the employees unpack an incredible
amount of items, from a needle to a car!
We are in the reception department, Here we receive all kinds of products that
our costumers send us to test, so we can create an efective defect to the
product. This is the most secret area of the factory. Here we analize several
products, find a weak point on them, then our specialist team fill a report
and send the item and the report to the next steeep in production.
        Then we enter into a humongous lab, where a dozen of specialists
were working on some items.
-Here we analise the items, so we can invent a defect for each one, This ones
are non-comercial items, so they are virtualy perfects, with no defects.
In this lab, we prevent the national economy to go to hell. Here we create
the necesary production defects, so the item broke down in a couple of weeks.
As he saw my atonishment he smile and explained me.
    As you know a perfect product that reaches the market, will last virtually
forever, this will produce a serious disminution on the sale of this product.
In other words, the manufacter must be certain that what he produces have at
least one defect, so this product have a constand demand in the market. If the
product reaches the market without defects, people will only have to buy one
of them as they will last forever.
We create a small defect, a weak point that limits its endurance to everyday
use, so the people must have to buy another item. If we didn't do this,
all the industry and the economy will be absolutely terminated.
Look, for an example, This ballpen, This tecnicianis trying to reduce the
cuality of the spring, as it won't last more than a month, in the next table,
this tecnicianst are trying to ''FIX'' this fridge, tis one have been a very
tough one, it have top quality. everything works perfectly, however our
production team have finally found a way to introduce here a defect,
a weak door handle will do it. In a year, the handle will break, and the user
that try to open the door at this time, may be so furious that he will start
to kick the fridge. and in a short time, he will totally destroy the fridge.
this will force him to buy another one. In this section we are adding a
chemical to a well known baby powder so it will produce a very hard rash,
and this motorcicle will split in two as it reaches 1000 miles. Belive me, pal
The production of defects is more important than the production of anithing
by itself.

That's all for now. I hope you enjoyed it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antonio Oliveros.         |      //////    | Don't take life too seriously,
Iberoamericana University.|     //  00     | you will  never  get out of it
Mexico City.              |     |@   >     | alive.
----------------------------oOo--------oOo------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 11:15:04 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: How to make a toaster controller

------- Forwarded Message (origin lost in the mists of time)

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two
of his advisors for a test.  He showed them both a shiny metal box with
two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever.  "What do you think
this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The
engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a
simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position
to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The
program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element
table of initial timer values.  Then it would turn on the heating
elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the
table.  At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and
pop up the toast.  Come back next week, and I'll show you a working
prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the
danger of such short-sighted thinking.  He said, "Toasters don't just
turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles.  What
you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker.  As the subjects
of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more
capabilities.  They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also
cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs.  A toaster that only
makes toast will soon be obsolete.  If we don't look to the future, we
will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the
problem.  First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this
class into subclasses:  grains, pork, and poultry.  The specialization
process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins,
pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and
poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs,
fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it
must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry
classes.  Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved
without multiple inheritance.  At run time, the program must create the
proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook
yourself.'  The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the
kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast
than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has
revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast
food.  In the design phase, we have discovered some derived
requirements.  Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with
multiple inheritance.  Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold
while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface.  The lever that lowers the food
lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing.  Users won't buy
the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface.  When
the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on
the screen.  Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3'
appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product
gets to the market.)  Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods
they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the
design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform
for the implementation phase.  An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a
30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient.  If you select
a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple
inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a
snap.  (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly
allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit
microcontroller!)."

The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they
all lived happily ever after.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 12:27:15 EST
From:    Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Alamac humor: The philosopher and the tyrant

An Arabian philosopher was once at the court of a certain king, who
was as much distinguished for his injustice as his depotism. This
king, agreeably to his characteristic features, was desirous of
irritating the sage by some of his insults. To this end he positively
affirmed that, in the infernal regions was a "mill for the sole
purpose of grinding the heads of the learned;" and then demanded of
the venerable philosopher, if it was not so, He, in his turn, replied
with a firmness and dignity worthy of the highest eulogium, "Yes; but
it is the blood of tyrants which makes the mill turn." (The United
States Almanac for 1799)


Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 10:30:34 MEX
From:    Antonio Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject: The defects factory. (More Marco A. Almazan Humor)

     First, as nobody answer my request, it's no longer a request. I cast the
glove to see if somebody have good pranks for a bachelor party. This guy gets
married on may 7th. so I am very short on time to get something hilarious.
     Now I will proceed with my humor.

                           The defects factory.

     A long time ago, an old friend invited me to see the factory he was the
manager. This factory was set on a humongous building outside the city,
everything there was functional, and before I can get into the building, i had
to pass a phisical condition and a psicological exam, then they gave me a
white robe, a helmet and a tag with my name, adress, phone number and the
number of two bank accounts with the amount of money on each one.
     My friend received me in a very luxurious office.
-Sorry for this reception, but all the exams are part of the company policies,
but I'm  sure you understand it, as we are a target for industrial espionage.
I told him not to worry as i tried to light a cigarrete.
No! -He shouted don't you ever think smoking here.
Why, do you produce explosives or work with flammable materials? -I asked.
No, here we produce defects, but anyway you can't smoke here. Come with me
and you'll see.
     We get into a very big room, where the employees unpack an incredible
amount of items, from a needle to a car!
We are in the reception department, Here we receive all kinds of products that
our costumers send us to test, so we can create an efective defect to the
product. This is the most secret area of the factory. Here we analize several
products, find a weak point on them, then our specialist team fill a report
and send the item and the report to the next steeep in production.
        Then we enter into a humongous lab, where a dozen of specialists
were working on some items.
-Here we analise the items, so we can invent a defect for each one, This ones
are non-comercial items, so they are virtualy perfects, with no defects.
In this lab, we prevent the national economy to go to hell. Here we create
the necesary production defects, so the item broke down in a couple of weeks.
As he saw my atonishment he smile and explained me.
    As you know a perfect product that reaches the market, will last virtually
forever, this will produce a serious disminution on the sale of this product.
In other words, the manufacter must be certain that what he produces have at
least one defect, so this product have a constand demand in the market. If the
product reaches the market without defects, people will only have to buy one
of them as they will last forever.
We create a small defect, a weak point that limits its endurance to everyday
use, so the people must have to buy another item. If we didn't do this,
all the industry and the economy will be absolutely terminated.
Look, for an example, This ballpen, This tecnicianis trying to reduce the
cuality of the spring, as it won't last more than a month, in the next table,
this tecnicianst are trying to ''FIX'' this fridge, tis one have been a very
tough one, it have top quality. everything works perfectly, however our
production team have finally found a way to introduce here a defect,
a weak door handle will do it. In a year, the handle will break, and the user
that try to open the door at this time, may be so furious that he will start
to kick the fridge. and in a short time, he will totally destroy the fridge.
this will force him to buy another one. In this section we are adding a
chemical to a well known baby powder so it will produce a very hard rash,
and this motorcicle will split in two as it reaches 1000 miles. Belive me, pal
The production of defects is more important than the production of anithing
by itself.

That's all for now. I hope you enjoyed it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antonio Oliveros.         |      //////    | Don't take life too seriously,
Iberoamericana University.|     //  00     | you will  never  get out of it
Mexico City.              |     |@   >     | alive.
----------------------------oOo--------oOo------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 13:24:28 EST
From:    Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Practical joke: the zapper

THE ZAPPER

Activates any radar detector within 3/4 of a mile. Check the brake lights of
that sports car that just went by at 90 miles an hour.  Back off those 18
wheelers trying to eat your back bumper.  Put the fun back in driving.  THE
ZAPPER is a 10GHz amateur transmitter the size of a cigarette pack, operates
on a 9v battery. When the button is pushed, brake lights and radar detectors,
light the skies.  Complete with the rules of the new ROAD WARRIOR GAME ...
TROLLING FOR TAILGATES, America's fastest growing highway participatory sport.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 13:40:38 -0400
From:    Doug Austin <austind@GOV.ON.CA>
Subject: Interesting News Items from Globe & Mail, Toronto.

     LAST WEEK a group of male students in Davie, Fla., demonstrated on behalf
of a colleague who was sent home from Nova High School for wearing a
floral patterned skirt.
     "Girls can wear pants, so why can't guys wear skirts?" asked the
offender, 16 year old Jesse Itzkowitz.  "It's not right.  It's flagrant
sexism, and we don't feel we should be tormented with that in a learning
evnironment.."

     COCKROACHES LIKE canned dog food, says the Orlando Sentinel, "but
aren't crazy about dry dog food.  They detest cucumbers and tomatoes and
scrupulously avoid vegetables of any kind.  They dislike salty crackers or
pretzels.  But perhaps the most stunning news is that a growing number of
roaches are turning up their antennae at peanut butter and sweets."

     WHO DOES THIS RESEARCH ANYWAY.  KIND OF MAKES YOU APPRECIATE THE JOB
YOU DO HAVE.............DOUG AUSTIN, TORONTO.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 14:38:51 -0400
From:    Terrence Raymond Strohecker <stroheck@STUDENT.MSU.EDU>
Subject: Chemistry: True Story!

    Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry."  He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it
past him to come up with something like this.  Anyway, one year there
were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on
all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into
the final they had a solid A.  These two friends were so confident going
into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem
final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with
some friends up there.  So they did this and had a great time.  However,
with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.  Rather than
taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after
the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him
that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back
in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and
didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were
late getting back to campus.  Bonk thought this over and then agreed
that they could make up the final on the following day.  The two guys
were elated and relieved.

    So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time
that Bonk had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the
first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions
and was worth 5 points.  "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be
easy."  They did that problem and then turned the page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.  It said:

            (95 points)  Which tire?

                                 *****

(ed.note: This is easily ported into a
probability quiz. What is the probability a) that both students got the
second question correct, b) neither got it, c) only one did?)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 13:04:40 -0600
From:    David Cotton <DAVIDCO@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject: Tongue in check MS windows article

This article came from a fellow named Keith Wortham, who passed it onto
a shareware conference from JOE.MACALUSO@GCO.COM.........I uploaded for
your interest.

 In anticipation of a PC MAGAZINE review of the well promoted but NON-
AVAILABLE Microsoft Windows 4.0, he went ahead and wrote it in the
typical "objective" style the magazine usually uses with Microsoft
products. He is planning to submit it to the magazine before they
can come out with their own bubbly "review" of the promised product.

   As you know, the magazine carries big ads for Microsoft. From what
I am told, ZIFF-DAVIS, which owns PC MAGAZINE, ALSO OWNS A SUBSIDIARY
THAT HAS THE MARKETING ACCOUNT FOR MICROSOFT! (Does that strike you
as a bit of a CONFLICT OF INTEREST, and ample incentive for total
"non-objectivity?")

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Quoting Keith Wortham .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The latest issue of PC Magazine contains the exciting and long awaited
news that there will be an article on Windows 4.0 appearing in the next
issue.  To save those of you who do not subscribe from having to buy
the magazine, we thought we would try to anticipate the expected high
points of the coming article.  If you have any inside information or
would like to add your predictions, please feel free to do so.
_____________________________________________________________________
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AMAZING WINDOWS 4.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are privileged this month to bring you our long overdue article on
Microsoft's groundbreaking Operating System, the incredible Windows
4.0.  Our exceptional journalistic standards demand that we preface
this article by a restatement of our policy concerning review of non-
shipping products.  While our policy has always been that we would
review no product that is not actually shipping at the time of pub-
lication, WE HAVE CHANGED OUR POLICY FOR THIS ISSUE ONLY.  Our policy
for this issue is that we will review any product that someone tells
us might possibly be developed at any time in the future.  After this
issue, our policy will revert to what it was prior to this issue until
such time that Microsoft begins to again consider their next edition
of software and begins another high-visibility promotion geared to
discourage users from looking at the competition.

We put the wonderful Windows 4.0 operating system through our gruel-
ing Winbench benchmark program which was magnanimously donated to
PC Labs by Microsoft Corporation.  Our test bed was the standard plat-
form used by most PC users--a Cray Supercomputer with 3 Gigabytes of
RAM and a $9000 Windows graphics accelerator card with 512 Megabytes
of SRAM.  Our testing was made more difficult by the fact that no
actual code was available at the time of the procedure.  We did have
available, however, a screen shot of the stupendous Windows 4.0 which
we put through its paces.  Our staff was speechless over how pretty
the screen shot was. We also had the benefit of the assistance of 12
Microsoft employees who provided invaluable imput, and also took us
to lunch as well as provide us all with free copies of MicroSoft
Office.

The tremendous Windows 4.0 was a dream to install.  We didn't even
have to open the box!  All of our applications were immediately
migrated into the new OS, except the OS/2 applications.  They mys-
teriously disappeared.  We were told that this is a bug in the way
that OS/2 apps are written and that this was IBM's problem.  The
screen shot scored a respectable .000001 Winmarks on our testing plat-
form. Microsoft officials assure us that performance of the actual
code promises to be even better.  The only compatibility problem
arose when OS/2 for Windows stubbornly refused to load the screen
shot. Microsoft officials advise us that this was also IBM's problem.

Microsoft officials told us that 4 Megabytes of RAM minimum would be
needed in the release version. However, they also said that they would
recommend 32 Megabytes for typical usage.  Microsoft officials said,
and we agree, that all serious PC users will have 32 Megabytes of RAM
on their systems by the time Win 4.0 is released.  Windows 4.0 is too
sophisticated an OS for those that refuse to keep up.

We were at first concerned with the reports of the apparent absence
of 32-bit code contained in Windows 4.0.  However, the Microsoft offi-
cials soon set us straight.  Due to Microsoft still having the patent
pending for the new technology, MS officials couldn't tell us how it
worked, but told us of a new Microsoft compression technology.  It
turns out that all of the apparent 16-bit code present in Win 4.0 is
actually 32-bit bit code that has been compressed by Microsoft to look
like it is only 16 bits.  Microsoft officials say that this is the wave
of the future in 32-bit computing.

In order for you to take advantage of the power of Win 4.0, Microsoft
will be releasing three new products.  These products are Visual COBOL,
Visual Assembler and Visual Machine Language.  The Microsoft repre-
sentatives gave us a sneak peak of the Visual Machine Language product.
Visual Machine Language will contain the famous Microsoft App Wizard.
At first the App Wizard looked like it was only generating huge random
streams of ones and zeros. However, one representative assured us that
this was not the case and that MS had used it to write most of the
Windows NT code.

In summary, we can state without any fear of being accused of hyper-
bole that the most excellent Windows 4.0 is the greatest technologi-
cal breakthrough since the discovery of fire and the invention of the
wheel (neither of which, unfortunately, is patented by Microsoft.....
yet).  The God-like Windows 4.0 ranks right up there with the other
accomplishments of Microsoft, such as the graphical user interface,
the mouse, memory management and on-the-fly disk compression.

It is at this point that we should state PC Magazine's new policy
with regard to software patents, viz., We feel strongly that any soft-
ware patent not held by Microsoft is void and bad for the industry.

There will be a plethora of applications specifically written to take
advantage of the astounding Windows 4.0.  All major software devel-
opers are expected to begin work on products immediately after reading
this article.  Versions of WordPerfect and Lemmings for Win 4.0 should
be shipping by the time you read this.  If you cannot wait for your
copy of the sexy Windows 4.0, we suggest you immediately go out and
buy a copy of the highly innovative MS-DOS 6.2. Follow that up with
several copies of the award winning Windows for Workgroups 3.11.  If
you are still impatient, buy the long awaited Windows NT, which is
available in bulk quantity from your local retailer at huge discounts.
By that time, if the most esteemed Windows 4.0 is still not shipping,
buy a few more copies of Windows NT.

While we usually don't give awards to products that are not even in
Alpha release, we feel that we have no choice but to award our pres-
tigious ZIFF-DAVIS Editor's Choice to the awesome Microsoft Windows
4.0.  And even though it is only April, we have also given it our
ZIFF-DAVIS Year-End Technical Excellence Award in ALL categories for
the years 1994 through 1999. We expect an even better version of Win-
dows in the year 2000. So, what are you waiting for?

*Note: All words (except "fire" and "wheel") and all alphanumeric
characters in this article are registered trademarks of Microsoft
Corporation.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.  End Quote .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 14:51:00 CST
From:    DANRICH SCOT <ACSLABSAD@ORION.DEPAUL.EDU>
Subject: country, computer jokes,& 1 farm animal sex <slightly adult>

Howdy, Hu-sers!
Hope Ya'll lak these!!

      +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

  What happens when you play a Country - Western record backwards?

  You get your wife back, your dog back, your job back, become sober,
  -and you get out of prison.

     +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

    How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

     None.   It's a hardware problem.

      +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

These are some alternate definitions from Enterprise Systems Journal:

Token Ring :
     A virtual engagement gift.

Ethernet:
     A device for catching the Ether Bunny.

BBS:
     Tall tales told by insects that produce honey.

Carrier Detect:
     Raison d'etre for premarital blood tests.

Serial Interface:
     A spoon.

XMODEM:
     A device on the losing end of an encounter with lightning.

     and add this to your list of oxymorons:
          Adavanced Basic.

         *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

            This is the story of Brewster the Rooster.

     There was this farmer, and his hens had stopped producing eggs.
Well, he talked to a buddy of his who offered to sell him a rooster that
would help up his production.  His price was $150.00, but came with a money-
back guarantee.  Now this farmer had already spent $200.00 on two previous
roosters that didn't work out on account of they couldn't satisfy his hens.
Anyhow, he gambled and bought this third rooster, who's name
(you guessed it) is Brewster.
     Well, he got Brewster home an' threw him in the henhouse.  There was all
this cacklin' & squawkin', and the farmer thought, poor Brewster, he ain't a
gonna make it.
     He comes back to the henhouse 1/2 an hour later and everythings' quiet.
He takes a peek in there, and all the hens are satisfied & fast asleep.
Suddenly, he heard a terrible racket out in the barn, so he ran to it and
ripped the doors open. To his surprise, there was Brewster with all the cows
lined up, and he was trying his best to mate with them! "God bless it!" the
farmer said, "Brewster, you're going to kill yourself!"  Brewster didn't pay
him no mind, and kept right on at it.  Well, the farmer had some more work to
do, so he left him there, and came back a couple of hours later.
He opened up the barn doors, and durned if the cows weren't fast asleep!  So
he went to check on the horses, and they were tired out & fast asleep too!!!
Then he heard a ruckus from out behind the barn, and rushed to see what was
the matter.  Sure enough, it was Brewster, and he had all the pigs lined up,
and he was still going strong!!!  He cried "BREWSTER! You're Going To Kill
Yourself!!!" And with that he tried to pull him off, but there weren't no
budging him.
     Well, it was about the time for Farmer John to turn in, so he did.  The
next morning, he came out into the backyard, tripping over his satisfied &
sleeping dog.  After checking on all the animals & finding them in the same
condition, he started looking for Brewster.
     But Brewster was nowhere to be found.  Finally heading out to the
fields, he found him, as a result of the vultures circling over Brewster.
     Brewster was lying on his back, ....both legs in the air, ....tongue
dried & hanging out,  ....one eye open & glassy, ...one wing over his chest,
and the other splayed out on the ground.   Farmer John took a ragged breath
and said "Brewster, I told you once, I told you a million times, You were
going to kill yourself, and now look at you!!!!"
     Brewster slowly opened up his other eye, brought the wing on his chest
up to his beak as he tried to speak.  Farmer John leaned closer so he could
hear Brewster's last words....

     Brewster opened up his beak, pointed up to the vultures, and said:

     " Shhhh. Go'way. They're about to land. "

          +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

                        "Marshall Dillon"
                            -Scot-
                   acslabSAD@orion.DePaul.edu
                   (Long Live Country Music!)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 14:54:57 PDT
From:    Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject: Birth Control <adult theme>

Text item: Text_1

     It's been a few days since the last installment from MATT GROENING'S
     "BIG BOOK OF HELL", and being as how a friend of mine recently told me
     of a friend of *his* that just got a vasectomy (!!!), I thought this
     little ditty was rather apropos.  As usual, the opinions expressed in
     this post are not necessarily those of the contributor. And now I give
     you (or rather, Matt Groening gives you):
                YOUNGFOLKS' GUIDE TO LAST MINUTE BIRTH CONTROL
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     CONTRACEPTIVE| A.K.A. |ADVANTAGES| DRAWBACKS |ROMANCE   |POSSIBLE
                  |        |          |           |FACTOR    |RESULTS
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Father's     |Daddy's |   Free   |May be old |Very      |    Baby
     condoms      |rubbers |          |and        |little    |
                  |        |          |unreliable |          |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Saran Wrap   |Doin' it|Easy to   |Sandwiched-|Very      |    Baby
                  |lunch-  |use;      |in feeling |very      |
                  |style   |"clingy"  |           |little    |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Party        |Rubbers |Colorful, |Hard to    |None      |    Baby
     Balloons     |from    |festive   |put on     |          |
                  |Hell    |          |           |          |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Coitus       |Thrills |Action-   |Exasperation|Not a lot|    Baby
     Interruptus  |  'N'   |packed,   |frustration |         |
                  |Spills |traditional|perspiration|         |
                  |        |          |desperation |         |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Coitus       |Whoops, |Action-   |Slow sinking|  A tad  |    Baby
     Almostus     |oops,   |packed,   |feeling     |         |
     Interruptus  |uh-oh   |traditional|           |         |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Coitus Mommus|  YOW!  |   None   |Parental    |Less than|    Baby
     and Daddus   |        |          |berserkness |none     |
     Are Comingus |        |          |            |         |
     Homeus       |        |          |            |         |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Prayer       |Fate,     |Free    |Unreliable  |Lots     |    Baby
                  |lady luck,|        |            |         |
                  |hoodoo    |        |            |         |
     ______________________________________________________________________
     Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 15:11:01 PDT
From:    hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life  4.9    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89

----------------------------------------------------

A friend was having a problem with a sticky keyboard for his Mac.
He was talking to another friend who off-handedly suggested putting
into the dishwasher to clean it up.  So, my friend did just that!
Needless to say, the keyboard didn't function any too well after
that.  :-)

     I was at GE Consulting's Training and Education Center in Albany, NY
taking a course on the PC.  Well, there were some inexperienced PC users
there, so we had to go through the "basics" for them (ie, the do's and
don't's of disk handling)
     Well, according to the instructor, there had been one student who had
driven up from Bridgeport, CT (corporate offices are there).  He had stayed
at a nearby motel overnight, leaving his briefcase in the trunk of the car.
(Oh, let me add that it was sub-zero weather at the time of this incident).
In the morning he arrived at T&E, opened up his briefcase, took out a floppy
disk, inserted into a drive... then *c-r-a-c-k*!!!  It shattered into little
pieces.
     Gee.. I hope it wasn't critical information on it, with no backup  :-)

     How about the young computer salesman giving some client a demonstration
of the new electronic word-processor? He loads up a large document, and
says: "watch this!". He hits a couple of keys, and converts every "i" in the
document to an "a", making the text unreadable.
     "And it you can change it all back, just like this" he
proclaims,subsequently
converting all "a"s back to "i", including those that had been "a"s
originally.
     Of cource, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine.. :-)

----------------------------------------------------

1) A computer kept crashing, and every time service was called, it
worked fine.  It turned out that one of the users would come in, sit
down at the console and put his papers and stuff on the top covering the
cooling vents.  When it crashed, he'd pick up his stuff and leave,
removing the evidence.  Service people didn't figure this one out until
they decided to watch him work to see why it crashed.

2) We had an IBM cluster controller controlling some 3270 terminals.  We
paid $5000 for an upgrade that would allow more users to be connected to
the controller.  The IBM service rep came in and REMOVED a board, that
was put there to deliberately slow things down.

3) Somebody working on an Airline Reservation System, trying to get
maximum response out of the machine, was looking at a OS listing and
found a delay loop that was executed by a timer interrupt every 100th of
a second.  Removing it brought the performance up, but they had to
replace one of the chips in the machine that wasn't fast enough.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 16:40:02 -0600
From:    Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject: Terrorist Joke <clean unless you are pro-terrorist :)>

Q:  How are a Terrorist and a Cue Ball alike?

A:  The harder you hit them the more english you get!

Jess
(Keep those contributions coming...)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 21:13:20 EDT
From:    The Happy Homemaker <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Helpful Kitchen Tips

And another school year draws to a close. Before leaving for summer
vacations, it's always a good idea to do a little spring cleaning. One
daunting task that faces many a college student is the cleaning of the
refrigerator-- just what all should be thrown out and what can be safely
kept? Here's a handy guide...

                         SPOILAGE TABLE
        How to Tell When Foodstuffs Should Be Discarded

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled except for leftovers from what
you cooked for yourself last night.

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem
in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled-- or wrecked,
anyway-- by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block
radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball
should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it
has gone off.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average
lifespan of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge
this.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
table shamelessly stolen from
_The Bachelor Home Companion_ by P. J. O'Rourke

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 27 Apr 1994 19:39:00 EST
From:    "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 4/26/94

Tonight's (Wednesday's) list will be one day late.  I'm going to be out of
town all day tomorrow, and won't be able to send it.  Wednesday's and
Thursday's lists will be sent out in one message on Friday afternoon.  I
appologize for any inconvenience.  Now, the list!!

---> April 26, 1994 <---

=================================
Top Ten Easiest Jobs In The World
=================================

10. Fan mail coordinator for Jermaine Jackson
 9. Organizer of World Series Victory Parades, City of Cleveland
 8. Academy Award acceptance speech writer for that "Hey, Vern" guy
 7. CBS talk-show weenie
 6. Whatever the hell Morty does
    (Robert "Morty" Morton, producer of the Late Show)
 5. Mike Tyson's travel agent
 4. Ointment salesman in Singapore
 3. Selling french fries to President Clinton
    (A clip was shown of a robotic President Clinton walking over to a box
    of McDonald's french fries, and blowing them apart with lasers shooting
    from his eyes.  The two then spun around to the music from the film
"2001")
 2. Executive in charge of arranging Madonna's future "Late Show" appearances
 1. Loving Oprah

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Apr 1994 to 27 Apr 1994 - Special issue
****************************************************************

