From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 30 Mar 1994 to 31 Mar 1994
Date: Friday, April 01, 1994 12:00AM

There are 16 messages totalling 498 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Ida moon (fwd, clean)
  2. Riddles for kids of all ages
  3. Neiman Marcus/genetic engineerin
  4. Things to know while traveling in the Middle East (offensive to the
Middle
     East!)
  5. Electrical question/clean
  6. Offensive to teachers
  7. Feminine Hygiene
  8. Tired of working?  Here are some tips...
  9. The Clipper Chip Theme Song
 10. Humor about loaning money from early almanacs
 11. I can't believe your that stupid
 12. Top Ten List for 3/30/94
 13. Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from "Star Wars"
 14. condom joke--maybe offensive
 15. Humor about physicist, mathematician, and engineer
 16. Humor: The elephant and the naked man

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 09:25:42 METDST
From:    Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject: Ida moon (fwd, clean)

Forwarded from ASTRO mailing list (to which it was forwarded from elewhere).

Subject: Ida's moon explained
Date: Wed, 30 Mar 94 00:16:20 EST
From: John Robinson <jr@ksr.com>


   Flash - the word is out.  They have figured out the origin of the moon
   that showed up on the image from the Galileo spacecraft of the
   asteroid Ida...

That's obviously a fake cleverly designed to distract us from the real
answer - the fact that Ida's moon is in reality the lost Mars Explorer.

 --
Jan Kucera:  kuc@fce.vutbr.cz (or .cs)

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 08:39:31 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject: Riddles for kids of all ages

        Q. Can you name three members of the rodent family?
        A. Mother rodent, father rodent, and baby rodent.

        Q. What kind of gerbils live at the North Pole?
        A. Cold ones.

        Q. How many mice can you put in an empty shoebox?
        A. One.  After that one the box isn't empty anymore.

        Q. What do you call a 200 pound, 6'3" Peruvian Guinea Pig?
        A. "Sir"!!!

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 09:52:38 EST
From:    Adina Sobo <adinas@AOL.COM>
Subject: Neiman Marcus/genetic engineerin

I noted the cookie recipe was posted yesterday....just in case there's
someone who didn't know ALL the
details:  this is a classic urban folk tale that has been going around for
many
years.  Jan Harold Brunvald's _Curses! Broiled Again!_ has an entire chapter
on it.  In the 1950s, a similar story was heard, but the recipe was for the
Red Velvet Cake from the Waldorf-Astoria.  In the early 1980s, it was first
Mrs. Field's cookie recipe, then the Union Station cookie recipe.  The
Neiman-Marcus version has been around since 1986.   I'd recommend Brunvald's
books to anyone who wants to know more mythology:  the microwaved poodle,
the dead cat in the Saks bag, etc.



THE FOLLOWING JOKE IS ABOUT GENETIC ENGINEERING AND CONTAINS ONE MODERATELY
BAD WORD



A research scientist was about to leave the genetic engineering complex for
the night when she heard
sobbing echoing through the halls.  Wondering who could possibly be crying,
the scientist walked back
along the hallway, and saw one of her colleagues crying bitterly over a petri
dish.  Looking at the contents
of the small container,  the first scientist was amazed.  "Why are you crying
so hard?"  She asked "Are
those tears of joy?"
    The second scientist looked up, tears streaming from his face.   "Look at
this!"  he said, indicating the tissue culture.
    "I am looking -- whatever did you cross to get such an interesting
combination?"
    "I crossed an onion with a donkey,"  the second scientist replied,
beginning to cry again.
    "So my eyes aren't playing tricks?   You have succeeded in crossing
animal and vegetable and making the result grow!  This is wonderful -- I know
you'll get this published in
_Science_ and in _Nature_."  The first scientist started to visualize the
awards her colleague would get.
    "But you don't understand!"  The second scientist put his head down on
the lab bench again, but his last
words still rang clearly through the air:   "All I got was an onion with
furry ears, when what I really wanted was a piece of ass to make my eyes
water!"

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 10:20:40 -0400
From:    TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject: Things to know while traveling in the Middle East (offensive to the
         Middle East!)

USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELLING IN THE MIDDLE EAST:

AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
    Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
    I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor
    with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
    I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
     It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
    of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
    If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I
    will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
    The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
    The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must
    have the recipe.

                                Tah tah.
                                        TK

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 09:44:39 CST
From:    David Christian <DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Electrical question/clean

A long time ago, when I was in the Marines studying electronic repair, one of
my instructors poses the following question...

"If electricity flows in a manner similar to water, why is it then that the
electrons don't spill out of the outlets in a room and drown us?  Or is that
where we get static electricity?

Just think of the implications...we would have to go around grounded, or at
the very least, wearing garmets made of insulated materials.  Hmmmm...

                                                David

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 08:11:23 PST
From:    T Cox <tcox@DOM1.NUWES.SEA06.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Offensive to teachers

TO:  ALL STAFF

FROM:  OFFICE OF SUPERINTENDANT

RE:  TEACHER IN SERVICE TRAINING SCHEDULE (T.I.T.S)

In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district
is now required to supply bigger and better T.I.T.S for each employee.

We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High
Intensity Training program (S.H.I.T).  It is our intention to give each
member of the staff as much S.H.I.T as possible.  Advancement, salary
increases and job changes will be dependent on the amount of S.H.I.T. you
have taken.

Employees who feel they have taken as much S.H.I.T as they can may apply to
the School Council for Review of Educational Welfare (S.C.R.E.W).  All
employees are expected to be S.C.R.E.W.'d at least annually.

If you have taken S.H.I.T. and have been S.C.R.E.W'd within the past
academic year, you will be eligible to receive a Self Help Award for
Teachers (S.H.A.F.T.).  Any employee who has been given the S.H.A.F.T. will
not be expected to take as much S.H.I.T. the following year.

The only exception to this regulation are those teachers who have Bilingual
Activities in Language, Literature and Science (B.A.L.L.S.).  Teachers with
enough B.A.L.L.S. may avoid being S.C.R.E.W'd annually.  Teachers in this
category are eligible for courses offered by the Boston University Local
Language program (B.U.L.L.).  Approval for B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T courses must be
obtained from the Superintendent's Office-Business (S.O.B.).  Only the
S.O.B. can determine how much S.H.I.T. an employee must take before being
S.C.R.E.W'd.

Those teachers who have taken enough S.H.I.T courses, have S.C.R.E.W'd and
given the S.H.A.F.T. are eligible for the Regional Educational Division
Award for Superior Service (R.E.D.A.S.S.).  Only teachers with R.E.D A.S.S.
will be considered for administrative positions, and entitled to give more
S.H.I.T. than they take.

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 11:19:00 -0500
From:    Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: Feminine Hygiene

          I'm not sure if, through the process of memory alteration or
          addition, that this actually happened to me, or if it was a
          good story I heard at the time and appropriated as my own:

          When I was in high school I worked as a stock boy at the
          local pharmacy/variety store.  Standing near the front of
          the store one day, a woman walked up and asked me, "Where
          are the Tampax?"  Unfortunately, I misunderstood her
          question, thinking that she had asked me, "Where are the
          thumbtacks?"  I responded, "Do you want the ones with the
          little handle, or the ones you push in with your thumb?"

          Her wide-eyed and astonished response ensured that I would
          never make that mistake again!!

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 09:49:24 PDT
From:    Cindy Parker <cparker@SMTP.QUESTS.COM>
Subject: Tired of working?  Here are some tips...

Text item: Text_1

     This little ditty was blatantly stolen from the great Matt Groening
     and his fabulously humorous (and often true) "BIG BOOK OF HELL".
     Being that I am a "working woman" now, I thought it was more than
     apropos.  Have fun!
              HOW TO KILL 8 HOURS A DAY AND STILL KEEP YOUR JOB

     It ain't that easy, but if you've got an average mind and a vague,
     ill-defined sense of resentment, you should be able to follow this
     easy guide and get away with murder.

     THINGS YOU CAN DO WITHOUT MOVING A MUSCLE: Watch the clock.  Hum
     tunelessly.  Daydream.  Stare into space.  Blank out.  Stew in your
     own juices.  Take a breather.  Sigh.

     MEMOS: Write 'em.  Read 'em.  Ignore 'em.

     NEVER just wander around.  Always have a piece of paper in your hand
     and look like you're going somewhere.

     3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF: *Have I checked my work?  *Have I
     double-checked my work?  *Have I triple-checked my work?

     HANDY PHRASES: "Gooooood morning."  "What a day!"  "Ohh, my back."
     "Have a good one."

     PETTY BUT ODDLY SATISFYING OFFICE PRANKS:  Put all callers on hold
     forever.  Press all the buttons in the elevator.  Borrow pens and
     never return them.

     HANDY HINTS!  E-Z & FUN!!  Clip fingernails.  Paint fingernails.  Bite
     fingernails.  Sniff at air.  Memorize calorie chart.  Unwrap and chew
     gum.  Swivel head on neck.

     FOR ADVANCED WORKERS ONLY -- Hurt and kill pesky flies.  Make and sail
     paper airplanes.  Kiss and grope a co-worker.

     FOR A CHANGE OF PACE, organize frequent little birthday parties!!

     Make sure everyone else is just as slow as you are.  A consistent
     we're-all-in-thi-together attitude can inspire you all to depths of
     sloth and inefficiency you never knew existed.  It's easy!

     UH-OH!  HERE COMES TROUBLE!
     ---WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT:--                       --YOU SAY:--
            snooping........................."I'm looking for an eraser."
            sleeping........................."I've got it!!  A great new
                                               idea for -- [think fast]."
            shirking.........................."I thought I was s'posed
                                                   to be doing this."
     DON'T FORGET TO DOODLE!

     MAKE YOUR OWN OFFICE TOYS!  With pushpins and an eraser, you can make
     a little pig.

     Fantasize about having sex with each person who walks through the
     door.

     BORED?  WHY NOT: *Xerox your hand?  *Think about yesteryear?  *Start
     vicious rumors about a co-worker?

     IT'S ALWAYS time for a coffee break!

     *************If you print this and stick it on the office************
     ****************bulletin board, you're in big trouble.***************
     ______________________________________________________________________
      -Cindy Parker-
     Administrative Assistant, Quest Software
     Newport Beach, CA

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 12:29:30 PST
From:    "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU>
Subject: The Clipper Chip Theme Song

(From TIME magazine, April 4, 1994 issue):

I propose a national theme song for the new Clipper Chip, to be sung to
the tune of "Every Breath You Take":

The Clipper Chip can see
Your thoughts belong to me,
U.S. escrow waits
For every keystroke you make.
Every word you write,
Every computer byte,
Every call you make,
Every fax you take,
We'll be watching you.

 -- Deborah Ann Burghardt
   Wethersfield, Connecticut

Michael J. Irvin              * clever ASCII map of my location in *
Information Technology        * Washington deleted due to *&%$#!   *
Washington State University   * 5 line limit on signature files    *
Pullman, WA 99164-1222             Internet: irvinmj@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu    
:
206/225-0437                       BITNET:irvinmj@wsuvm1.bit

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 16:10:56 EST
From:    Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor about loaning money from early almanacs

An usurer was earnestly intreating a preacher strongly to censure
usury. The preacher, thinking the usurer was willing to be converted:
"Ah! sir," said he, "I perceive in you the happy effects of the grace
of God."

"You do not understand me," said the usurer. "There are so many
usurers in the town, that I can get nothing; if by your preachings you
could make them leave off the trade, I should have alone all the
customers." (Father Abraham's Almanack for 1779)


Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 13:22:24 -0800
From:    "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA>
Subject: I can't believe your that stupid

I saw this on CNN this morning.  It definitely belong's in the
 - I can't believe your that stupid and you deserve everything you got- file

Apparently this guy walks into a gun shop to buy a handgun. Now, with the
Brady bill in effect, there is a five day waiting period during which the
gunshop owner is supposed to check out this guy for a criminal record or
a history of mental illness (perfectly reasonable in my opinion).  The guy
returns to find that the gunshop owner will not sell him the weapon (Wonder
why? We shall see.).  In a fit of indignation the guy goes down to the police
station to complain that he was not permitted to buy a weapon.  The police
check into it, and slap the cuffs on him- click,click.  This guy had an
outstanding warrant for his arrest on fraud charges.  Duh!
        Yeah, I think I'll walk down to the police station, knowing I'm
wanted,
and complain that I'm not allowed to purchase a dangerous weapon. It appears
the the gun owner did the right thing.  This guy not only had a criminal
record but if he was stupid enough to go to the police to complain he was
probably a few brick short of a load.  Lights on, nobody home.
Know what I mean?

Welcome to the next stage in human de-volution.  Since we don't seem to use
our brain why not get rid of it.  It takes up space that could be used
to store some ice-colds in the summer.

ciao fer now
mike
        ----------------------------------------------------------------
        | Mike Smith                    | Disclaimer: I have never      |
        | MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA  | taken the pulse of a dying    |
        | voice:  604-371-5518          | duck or given mouth to mouth  |
        |                               | resuscitation to a horse fly  |
        |                               | --- King Missle----1992       |
        ----------------------------------------------------------------

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 17:37:27 -0600
From:    "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 3/30/94

Before the list, a request.  Last week, a person wrote me from PC Week.  I
need
to speak with you as soon as possible.  It is IMPERATIVE that I speak to you
before you write the article.  Please, please, please write back.  Thank you!
Now, the list.

 ---> March 30, 1994 <---

========================================
Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Financial Tips
========================================

10. Don't buy furniture -- borrow it from the Smithsonian
 9. Raise everybody's taxes -- and start grabbin' with both hands, Chester!
 8. Whatever you do, don't buy land in Arkansas
 7. Three words:  Extra Value Meal
 6. Aim scud at Perot.  Take a billion
 5. Buy low.  Sell for $100,000
 4. Instead of an expensive name brand stuffing, load your husband up on
    sawdust
 3. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Socks to a medical testing lab
 2. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Roger to a medical testing lab
 1. Scalp Streisand tickets

Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 17:56:18 CST
From:    Your Inner Bowels <JASON@TTUVM1.TTU.EDU>
Subject: Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from "Star Wars"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars: A New Hope"

 1.    "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
 2.    "Curse my metal body; I wasn't fast enough!"
 3.    "Look at the size of that thing!"
 4.    "Sorry about the mess..."
 5.    "You came in that thing?  You're braver than I thought."
 6.    "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
 7.    "You've got something jammed in here real good."
 8.    "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
 9.    "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
10.    "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 19:53:52 -0500
From:    Don McDaniel <mcdaniel@ANDREWS.EDU>
Subject: condom joke--maybe offensive

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?










A: Make a tire and call it "Goodyear".

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 19:44:55 EST
From:    Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor about physicist, mathematician, and engineer

So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting
together.  They spy a deer(*) in the woods.

The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of
gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires.  Alas, he misses; the
bullet passes three feet behind the deer.  The deer bolts some yards,
but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.

"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an
ordinary gun, one would expect that."  He then levels his special
deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a
sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which
don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires.  Alas, his bullet
passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and
vanishes for good.

"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."

"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician.  "Between the two of
you, that was a perfect shot!"

 ----------

(*) How they knew it was a deer:

The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it
must be a deer.

The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it
to a previously solved problem.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.

 ------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 1994 19:39:49 EST
From:    Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor: The elephant and the naked man

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How the hell can you breathe with that little thing.

 ------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Mar 1994 to 31 Mar 1994
************************************************

