From: owner-HUMOR
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 10 Apr 1994 to 11 Apr 1994
Date: Tuesday, April 12, 1994 12:00AM

There are 17 messages totalling 836 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Northridge Earthquake Signage
  2. Shopping
  3. Fegg: a quiz
  4. Addr: Merit Badges for Man Scouts (clean)
  5. Math humor: To catch a lion problem <part 1 of 5>
  6. Very short joke or two. <crude, nasty>
  7. Almanac humor: Living long enough <early American humor>
  8. HUMOR, Political
  9. HUMOR <sexual connotation>
 10. Rejected posting to HUMOR@UGA
 11. State Your Business
 12. Life  4.3    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88
 13. I want the baby born NOW!
 14. <Risque> May be offensive to Chinese....
 15. Humor: A joke on people who are self-conscious about defects
 16. jokes (really long)
 17. HUMOR notes and an Income Tax analysis <political>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 Apr 1994 23:41:57 -0700
From:    "Corey J. Cooper" <corey@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Re: Northridge Earthquake Signage

I'm a few miles away from the epicenter, and have seen a few signs
myself.  All of the following are just sprayed with a can of paint, and
therefore could also be considered graffitee

One of the more famous is a sheet of plywood on one of the freeways
leading into L.A.:
        Welcome to L.A.  Some assembly required.

Down the street from me is a storefront, boarded up for 3 months now, that
proclaims:
        "We repair glass"

About a mile from me is an apartment building whos front half decided to
move North and down about 6 feet (the back half was satisfied where it
was), on it's side is:
        Rooms for rent:  $10.00

On the "original signs looking a little foolish" side of things is the
building about 50 feet from the glass repair place that has a big
"Contractors School" sign, and no walls on the third floor.  There are
also literally hundreds of buildings still declaring vacancys while
surounded by fencing.  A lot of these have rear ends of crushed cars
sticking out from under them, or they are split in two, or no longer have
walls, or any of a number of obvious problems.

L.A. has become a somewhat surreal experience, but then I guess it always
was.
        Corey Cooper

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 05:11:43 -0400
From:    "Paul W. Robinson" <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject: Shopping

From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----

"Mother, dear, how long is that 'thing' going to be tomorrow?  I
want to go shopping with Mitzi."
"Daughter, dear, that 'thing' is your father's wake."

---
Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <randy@psg.com>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

Beware of low-flying butterflies.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 08:04:42 EDT
From:    Bryan Pack <UGPACK@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Fegg: a quiz

From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_
1974, 1976, & 1984: Terry Jones & Michael Palin
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

=== Article: Quizzes ===

QUIZZES
An entertainment in which the gerneral or specific knowledge of the
players is tested by a series of questions.
Here is a selection specially devised by Dr. Fegg to while away those
endless months of waiting (totally unjustifiably).

*Dr. Fegg's Quiz*
1. Which American President was called McKinley?
2. Which world leader
3. Complete question 2 and answer it as best you can.
4. Doctor Fegg has a hamster. Is it:
    (a) alive?
    (b) dead?
5. Doctor Fegg likes his bath:
    (a) very hot.
    (b) quite hot.
    (c) once every 3 years.
6. Would you describe Dr. Fegg's Quiz of All World Knowledge as:
    (a) a waste of time?
    (b) a good idea badly presented?
    (c) excellent and informative?
7. Can Emus answer the phone?
    Yes / No / Not sure / Well... / I don't *think* so /
    Perhaps / *Emus*?
8. A *monsoon* is:
    (a) an anagram.
    (b) a terribly twee little plaster ornament with a picture
        of Dwight Eisenhower on one side and a photo of a half-
        open fir cone on the other.
    (c) the answer to question 7.
9. The Taj Mahal is:
    (a) a very hot curry based on onions and coriander.
    (b) a club in Wigan.
    (c) an enormous hairbrush with a white dome and patterned
        marble walls inlaid with precious jewels, in a graceful
        fusion of Islamic and Indian styles.
10.Which famous world statesmen are lit up at night, and where?
    (a) Henry Kissinger (who is also a doctor).
    (b) Rod Stewart.
    (c) Dr. David Owen (who is also a politician).
11.Dr. Fegg wrote which of the following great novels:
    (a) _War and Peace_
    (b) _The Tale of Two Cities_
    (c) _The Nasty Babysitter_

*Answers on page 79 of 'Fisherman's Weekly' (August, 1961)*

==Additional Quiz Questions==

Which of the following Famous World Leaders needs money quick?
 1. Reagan
 2. Thatcher
 3. Fegg
 Answer: No. 3-- and hurry!

Are the police still looking for Dr. Fegg?
 Answer: If you know the answer to this question, write it IN BLOCK
 CAPITALS and leave in a plain envelope Behind the Hot Water Pipes
 in the Gentlemen's Rest Room Victoria Station (along with the money
 for the last question).

Has Interpol been brought in yet?
 Answer: To be left with the answer to the previous question.
 And don't forget the money.

Where would *you* go if you had to lie low for a bit, and bearing
in mind that Basingstoke is only just up the road?
 1. Bahamas         4. Basingstoke
 2. Guatemala       5. Split
 3. Peru
 Answer: Leave the answer with the other two. Any other suggestions
 welcome.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 09:02:49 EST
From:    Kevin Cain <KEVIN@VM.CC.FAMU.EDU>
Subject: Addr: Merit Badges for Man Scouts (clean)

FROM: Kevin R. Cain



                      MERIT BADGES FOR MAN SCOUTS

BBQ CUISINE: A true Man Scout must be able to start a fire, either
by rubbing sticks or by using Match-Light briquettes. He must then
burn all burgers, dogs and marshmallows and convince his guests
that ketchup and mayo constitute a secret sauce.

WINE TASTING: The Man Scout must properly master such words as
nutty, daring, assertive, mincing and perspicacious, and apply them
convincingly to a beverage. A Man Scout never exclaims, "That
sucker really hit the spot", and he must be able to explain the
difference between an oenophile and a onanist.

URBAN SURVIVAL: The Man Scout must catch a cabdriver trying to take
the long way, be able to discern which of three panhandlers
deserves a handout, know which parts of town to avoid at night and
be able to keep a car stereo from being stolen for six consecutive
months (entire car being stolen counts the same as stolen stereo).

JOCK TALK: To win a jock-talk badge, Man Scouts prove their mastery
of the virile art of sports conversation. In drunken scout troops
gathered near wide-screen television, they must take turns
evaluating pro-jocks' performances, citing their statistics and
placing them in historical perspective.

HOME REPAIR: Man Scouts engage in the modern version of a barn
raising by rehabbing a suburban home in one day. Their provisions
include tool belts, saws, lathes, sanders, shingles, a cement truck
and 50 six-packs. While whistling the theme song to "This Old
House*", they must rehab the home and add a rec room before sunset,
or run a lathe for one hour without amputating any Man Scout
appendages.


* For our non-USA readers, "This Old House" is a home improvement
show on National Public Television.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 11:08:11 EST
From:    Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Math humor: To catch a lion problem <part 1 of 5>

I don't know the author of the following article. I believe I downloaded it
from ALT.HUMOR.FUNNY. I am posting this humor in small lots, so you can enjoy
it. I no longer have, nor do I want the complete file. Please do not ask me to
send previous part of this set to you. HUMOR has an archive. Send the
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command INDEX HUMOR and you can download the LOGs
which contain the various solutions to this important problem. :-)

Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

1. Mathematical Methods

1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method

We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert.  After that
we introduce the following logical system:
   Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
   Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a
            lion in the cage.
   Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
              "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
   Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.

1.2 The geometrical inversion method

We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from
inside.  We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage.  Then
the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.

1.3 The projective geometry method

Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface.
We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an
interior point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same
point.

1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method

Divide the desert by a line running from north to south.  The lion is
then either in the eastern or in the western part.  Let's assume it is
in the eastern part.  Divide this part by a line running from east to
west.  The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part.
Let's assume it is in the northern part.  We can continue this process
arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
narrow fence around the selected area.  The diameter of the chosen
partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of
arbitrarily small diameter.

1.5 The set theoretical method

We observe that the desert is a separable space.  It therefore
contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a
sequence with the lion as its limit.  We silently approach the lion in
this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 09:56:24 -0600
From:    Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject: Very short joke or two. <crude, nasty>

We need some short jokes on here, so here is one or two.

Q:  What do you call a coporate virgin?

A:  Someone who's new to the firm.





Q:  What is the German word for vasaline?

A:  Derweinershlider.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 12:27:03 EST
From:    Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Almanac humor: Living long enough <early American humor>

A courtier being very sick and much indebted, told his confessor that
the only favor he had to ask of God was to prolong his life till he
could pay all his debts. "That is a good motive," replied the
confessor, "and  it is to be hoped that God will hear your prayer."
"If God would do me that favor," said the sick man, in turning himself
towards one of his friends, "I should be very certain never to die."
(Father Abraham's Almanack for 1779)


Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 09:36:54 -0700
From:    Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.EDU
Subject: HUMOR, Political

This older guy is telling a friend about the course he is taking to improve
his memory, and the friend asks what it is called.
"Oh, it's...uh, lemme see...it's, uh, it's...OK, what's that flower with
thorns on the stem?"
His friend says, "It's a rose."
"Oh, yeah, right," the other guy says, all excitedly. "Hey, Rose, what's
the name of that memory course I'm taking?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 12:19:12 -0500
From:    Ryan Hinch <rhinch@SUN.CIS.SMU.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR <sexual connotation>

Carl was becoming more worried with the problem of rising crime, so he
felt he needed to protect him and his wife from burglary.  He decided he
was going to buy a watch dog, and he set off for the pet store.
When he gets to the store, he looks around but can't find a dog that is
big enough or loud enough to scare away a flea, much less an intruder.  So, he
starts to leave when he hears, "Aawk! Come here! Aawk! Come here!" He turns
around and a parrot is motioning to him with its wing.  Carl isn't sure if
he is seeing things so he rubs his eyes. The parrot is still waiving to
him  so he goes over.
The parrot says to Carl, "Aawk, can't find a dog?"
"Well, no" replies Carl. "Not the kind I want. I need a watch dog."
"Aawk! Then buy me. I'm better than a dog. Aawk."
"How's that?" asks Carl.
"Aawk! Well, I'm smarter than a dog.  If someone breaks in, I can tell you
exactly what they look like and what they took. Aawk!"
Carl thinks for a minute and then finally agrees.  "Aawk! Just one thing.
I don't have any legs."
"How are you sitting on that perch then?"
"Aawk! I just wrap my penis around it. Mine's pretty long. Aawk!"
Carl doesn't see any problems so he buys the bird, a cage and takes it home.

The next day after work when Carl gets home, he asks the bird if anything
happened.  "Aawk! Your wife came home for lunch today."
"So. That's no big deal. She usually does that."
"Aawk! and Bob, your next door neighbor came over."
"That's no big deal either. We are all like family in this neighborhood."
"Aawk! They went into the living room and sat on the sofa."
"Yeah. So what's the big deal?"
"Aawk! They started kissing."
"They did?!  What happened next. Tell me!"
"Aawk! He took her shirt off and began rubbing on her breasts."
"What!? Tell me more!"
"Aawk! He then unzipped her pants and took them off."
"Oh, I'm pissed now!! Tell me more! What happened next?"
"Aawk! I don't know! I don't know!"
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Aawk! My dick got hard and I fell off the perch! Aawk!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 13:47:22 EDT
From:    Whitmark Christop CDT <x63555f1@USMA3.USMA.EDU>
Subject: Rejected posting to HUMOR@UGA

     There was four Army Rangers paddeling a small raft down a stream.  They
were on a very important mission.  Well, God decided to do a lil' experiment
on
these dedicated individuals.  He took out half of their brains.  Well, this
slowed them down a bit, but they still drove on wanting to complete the
mission.  So, God took another half, leaving them with a quarter of a brain
each.  This really slowed them down, but did not stop them.  So, God, still
not
content, removed the rest of the brain.  All four Rangers stood up and started
singing, "From the Halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Galilee..." (The Song
of the Marines).

I go to the Military Academy, and I know we are all on the same side when I
get
out, but for now...
                         GO ARMY, BEAT NAVY!

Chris (I am only visiting NY, I live in S. Cali.) Whitmark

Go Army Sailing!                             Steep, Deep, Black Diamond Dreams
Catch the Breeze!                                         Think Snow!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 10:54:23 PST
From:    "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU>
Subject: State Your Business

Posted on a wall in a university office:

State your business.
Avoid eye contact.
Leave quietly, and
no one will get hurt.

Michael J. Irvin              * Clever ASCII map of my location in *
Information Technology        * Washington deleted due to *&%$#!   *
Washington State University   * 5 line limit on signature files    *
Pullman, WA 99164-1222             Internet: irvinmj@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu      
:
206/335-0437                       BITNET:irvinmj@wsuvm1.bit

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 11:06:54 PDT
From:    HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life  4.3    A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Dec 88

----------------------------------------------------

Actually, I hear there is a new miracle drug which is being tested as a cure
for incorrigible punsterness:
                        PUNICILLIN

----------------------------------------------------

This is not a joke, but it is funny.  When I was in high school taking a
literature class, we came across an author for whom we had to know something
about Hell.  In our discussion, the instructor asked "Does anyone know
the capital city of Hell?"  (correct answer: Pandemonium)  One guy on the
far side of the room raised his hand and answered (tone of voice indicates
this is a question we should have all known by heart): "Ottawa!"

He actually didn't know why we were laughing....

----------------------------------------------------

Opportunty- A good chance that always looks bigger going than coming
If you want to know how many friends you have, just buy a cottage on a lake
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that
        one's work is terribly important
In spite of the cost of living it's stll popular
What a big gap there is between advice and help

Lead your lfe so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the
        town gossip
Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable
The drive-in bank was established so that the real owner of a car could get
        to see it once in a while

"Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."

----------------------------------------------------

A true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered form
the 'Morning Briefing' section of the L.A. Times;

        In the '80 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by
        Bobby Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily.

        When asked about the win, Bobby said "It was alot of fun
        playing the Chinese, but an hourlater, we wanted to play
        them again."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 13:25:14 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: I want the baby born NOW!

[Forwarded with permission.]

From: Rumpel Stilchen <rumpelst@aol.com>
Subject:      Re: I want the baby born NOW!
To: Multiple recipients of list CONCHR-L <CONCHR-L@templevm.bitnet>
Date:         Tue, 29 Mar 1994 23:44:08 EST

I'll keep you, your wife, and the baby in my prayers.

As someone who has had babies a bit early, had them on time, and had them
quite a bit late, I would like to encourage you somehow to cultivate an
attitude of cheeful patience around your wife.  Those last days take forever.
 Everybody your poor wife has ever met will call her on the phone to ask,
"Well?  Haven't you had that baby yet?"  This will no doubt make her a bit
cranky.  If she's like me, what she really needs is for you to say, "Don't
worry, honey--the baby will come when it's ready.  Let's just try to relax
and enjoy these last few days."  ("Ha!" I would retort.  "You try to enjoy
waddling around like this!"  And my husband would say, "But you look so cute
when you waddle...")

There is one fun aspect to going overdue.  I got really huge with my overdue
baby and it was fun to go to the grocery store and have people ask, "When is
the baby due?"  Actually the fun part was their reactions when I said calmly,
"Oh, the baby was due a little over a week ago."  People would hurry me to
the front of the checkout line, bag my groceries, and literally help me out
to my car--all the time acting as if they expected me to give birth right
there in the store.  (A friend of mine suggested I add, "Come to think of it,
I've been having contractions--[gasping and doubling over] OUCH, OOOHHH--all
Morning long" to add a little more excitement, but I didn't want to lie.)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 14:35:00 -0500
From:    Sarbjit Sahansra <Sarbjit.Sahansra@MCCON.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: <Risque> May be offensive to Chinese....

        A distinguished gentleman came to New York for a great time.  While
     on his vacation in NY, he decides to get a "Woman" for his pleasures.
     Upon hearing many great opinions about Chinese girls he decides to go
     to China Town for a "night on the town".  He finally finds a girl he
     like and takes her to a hotel room and gets ready to do the wild
     thing. In a few minutes he realizes that his thing is hurting like
     hell.  It gets to a point where he has to stop making love and put it
     on ice to cool it off.

        A few days pass and still the pain and the swelling does'nt go
     down.  He finally decides to go to a doctor and explain what happened.
     Upon completion of the examination the doctors give him the bad news
     that his 'willie' must be amputated becasue it has contracted a deadly
     disease that can not be reversed.  Freaking out he decides to go to
     another doctor for a second opinion and the second doctor tells him
     the same thing.  Thinking again he realizes he should go back to China
     Town and see one of the Chineese doctors about it and maybe they would
     know about it better than these guys do.

        Soon as he explained the story to Dr. Lee, Dr. Lee says hey those
     other guys are crazy for asking you to spend so much time and money;
     you don't need to cut this thing off.  Give it a couple of weeks......
     it'll fall off by itself..............



     Hey it ain't the best but it's something to get you guys thinking
     about your best friend.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 15:48:32 EST
From:    Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor: A joke on people who are self-conscious about defects

There was a boy who lost his left eye in an accident. I think he
shot it out with a BB gun. His parents were too poor to buy him
a glass eye but found a doctor who could provide a wooden eye
that was affordable. The wood eye looked less than realistic and
the boy was very self-conscious about it and consequently didn't
socialize much.

The big school dance was coming up and his friends asked if he
planned to attend. He was despite his self-consciousness
considered affable, athletic, and loyal. Therefore, it was not
surprising that his young friends encouraged him to come to the
party. They, too, were anxious about the possibility of
embarrassing moments at the party.  He said "No I don't think
so. I would be too embarrassed because of my wooden eye." They
finally reassured him that no one would pay attention to his eye
and convinced him to go to the dance.

At the dance he remained off to the side afraid to confront any
of the girls and ask them to dance. His friends kept encouraging
him but he would say "I don't know what she would think about my
wooden eye."

After a while his friends noticed a girl with a wonderful figure
across the room who was also shyly standing off to the side.
Looking closer they noticed that she had a pretty face, wasn't
unattractive, but did have a repaired hairlip.

They went to their friend and said "Look! There is a girl across
the room with a hairlip. She is obviously just as self conscious
as you are and certainly won't be offended by your wooden eye.
Go ask her to dance." After some apprehension he finally worked
up his courage and took the long walk across the dance floor and
approached the hairlipped girl.

He said "Would you like to dance with me?"

The girl excitedly replied "Would I? Would I?"*

The boy immediately screamed back "Hairlip! Hairlip!"

[*Translated for the aurally impaired: Wood-eye, Wood-eye]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 17:27:00 EDT
From:    Julia Addison <ADDISON@NET2.EOS.UOGUELPH.CA>
Subject: jokes (really long)

   The World According to Student Bloopers
    Richard Lederer
    St. Paul's School
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
    receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have
    pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
    genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
    States, from eigth grade through college level.  Read carefully, and you
    will learn a lot.



    The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the Sarah
    Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such
    that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
dessert
 are
    cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape
of
    a huge triangular cube.  The Pramids are a range of mountains between
    France and Spain.

    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the
    Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of
    their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked Abraham to
    sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, stole his
    brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons
    to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons,
    Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

    Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses led
    them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
    without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get
    the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar.
    He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
    times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

    Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three
    kinds of columns---Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A
    myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped
    him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in
    "The Illiad", by Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity," in which Penelope
    was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually,
Homer
    was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.  Socrates was a
    famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed
him.
    Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

    In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
    threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The
    government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into
    their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
    high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
    When  they fought the Parisians,  the Greeks were outnumbered because the
    Persians had more men.

    Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History call people Romans
    because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman banquets,
    the guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself
    on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed him because they
    thought he was going to be made king.  Nero was a cruel tyrany who would
    torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

    Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
    lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
    Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and
    the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, the
    Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
    offense.

    In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest writer
    of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
    literature.

    Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
    while standing on his son's head.

    The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
    their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
    Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being
    excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
    female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was an age of
    great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the Bible.  Sir
    Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
    Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Francis
    Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

    The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII foundwalking
    difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth was the
    "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth exposed
    herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."  Then her navywent
    out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.  Shakespear
    never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He lived
in
    Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.  In
    one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
    relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  In another, Lady Macbeth tries to
    convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.  Romeo and
    Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.  Writing at the same time as
    Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.  He wrote "Donkey Hote".  The next great
    author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost."  Then his wifedies
    and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

    During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great
    navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
    ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the
    Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.
    When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came
    down the hill rolling their was hoops before them.  The Indian squabs
    carried porposies on their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
    along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The winter of
    1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies
    were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

    One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
    their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post
    without stamps.  During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing
    balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
    Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

    Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
    Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
    Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
    clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.  He invented
    electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided
against
    itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

    George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of
    Our Country.  Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
    secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
    right to keep bare arms.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother
died
    in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
    hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He
said,
    "In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg
address
    while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
    He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
    gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and
    lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.  On the night of April
14,
    1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
    actors in a moving picture show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes
    Booth, a sopposedly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.

    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare
    invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".  Gravity was
    invented by Issac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the
    apples are falling off the trees.

    Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.  Handel
    was half German, half Italian and half English.  He was very large. Bach
    died from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was
    deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the
    forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827
    and later died for this.

    France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was
accomplished
    before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
    Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars,
    the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the
    Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
    Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and
    unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine
    was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

    The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
    the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest
    queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  He reclining years and finally
the
    end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was
the
    final event which ended her reign.

    The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
    The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
    Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a
    hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.  Louis Pastuer
    discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote
    the "Organ of the Species".  Madman Curie discovered radium.  And Karl
Marx
    became one of the Marx Brothers.

    The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
    ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.













**********************************************************
* Julia M. Addison              |  I'm ready             *
* Biological Engineering        |  Ready for what's next *
* School of Engineering         |  Ready to duck         *
* University of Guelph          |  Ready to dive         *
* Guelph, ON, Canada, N1G 1J3   |  Ready to say          *
* ADDISON@net2.eos.uoguelph.ca  |  I'm glad to be alive. *
**********************************************************

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 Apr 1994 16:38:23 EDT
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR notes and an Income Tax analysis <political>

HUMOR now has 194 registered contributors. Last week we averaged 15
articles per day (not one request to signoff and we received a wide
variety of humor). Good job, contributors. If you are willing to be on
the contributor's list, write me for a 7 item questionnaire. If you
request it, I will send you the questions and a file which gives you the
answers to items 2-6. The others items are about your name and ask for
an example of humor (with an appropriate subject line). I would like to
have at least 250 contributors. We especially need a higher percentage
of our international site members on the C-list.

If you wish to be a contributor, but you read HUMOR via a BBS or a local
distribution list, you will need to subscribe to HUMOR and set your mail
option to NOMAIL. Then you can apply for C-status and make
contributions. You may need to get permission to subscribe to HUMOR from
your local administrator. I strongly encourage the re-distribution of
HUMOR via local distribution lists.

If you are giving up your account (as many of our students will be over
the next two months), please SIGNOFF HUMOR before your account becomes
inactive (see my signature file for instructions). If your site shuts
down for a temporary period of time, please SET HUMOR NOMAIL before the
shutdown(s) and then when it comes back up your can SET HUMOR MAIL.
These commands are sent to the LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU

If you have not learned to use our archive, consider experimenting with
it. Send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU for a list
of the files available. For example, consider asking for LOG00073
(because of a technical problem the first weekend of the new
configuration, it is a very small file with only 5 articles). To obtain
that file, ask the LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU to GET HUMOR LOG00073   In a
few minutes, you should get a file from the listserv and you can review
some humor which you probably did not read (because of the technical
problems).


Obligatory HUMOR:

In the USA, this is the last week to file your 1993 income tax report.
Most people complain about paying these taxes.

Republicans complain because they pay too much and don't get any
benefits. Big government doesn't work, tax money is wasted on lazy
cheating poor people, especially former Democratic voters who are in
prison living off the taxpayers. Republicans know that government can't
work, especially with so many Democrats getting elected.

Democrats complain, too, because rich Republican are able to dodge
paying taxes through loopholes & Republicans still get most of the
government benefits (airport services, military contracts, Coast Guard
services for yacht clubs, Small Business and disaster grants and loans,
roads and highways, full social security benefits, etc.). Big govern-
ment works for big business, especially former Republican office-holders
and corporate criminals living in country-club prisons. Democrats know
government can work, if the damn Republicans would pay their income
taxes. :-)

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Apr 1994 to 11 Apr 1994
************************************************

