         FINALLY, A CANDIDATE WHO STANDS FOR WHITE GUYS IN THEIR 40'S
                                 by Dave Barry


          Just when  you think that this great nation we call "America" is
     losing its competitive  edge,  something  happens to remind you that,
     when all is said and done, we are going right down the toilet.

          I refer to the  enthusiastic  public response to my announcement
     that I'm running for president.    Here  at Campaign Headquarters our
     wastebaskets  are  overflowing  with letters from  Americans  voicing
     their  support  ("Cancel  my  subscription!"  "Who cuts  your  hair?"
     "Piranhas?" etc.).  Some people sent actual contributions in the form
     of coupons for valuable pizza discounts.  A few people even sent cash
     money,  although  most  of  it  was  from  Third  World nations  with
     tuber-based economies.  Nevertheless, each of these contributors will
     receive, as a token  of  my  gratitude, one of the following valuable
     items:

                           >A large defense contract
                           >A cabinet post.
                           >A bumper sticker

          That's right:  I already have bumper stickers.  They say:

          *Dave Barry for president*
          "A Catchy Slogan Should Appear Here."

          And I stand behind those  words.    As  you  can  see, this is a
     serious,  well-thought-out  campaign,  with only a  couple  of  minor
     details to be ironed out, such as  which specific political party I'm
     going  to  get nominated by.  I was  leaning  toward  the  Democrats,
     because  when they have gala fund-raising events they always  attract
     top  celebrities  such  as  Robert  Redford  and  Cher,  whereas  the
     Republicans  generally  wind  up  with people like Water Brennan.  (I
     realize that  Walter Brennan is, technically, deceased.  If you think
     that makes any  difference,  you  have  never  attended  a Republican
     gala.) On the other  hand,  when  it  comes  to  actually  getting  a
     candidate elected president, the Democrats, as a party, traditionally
     display the shrewd tactical instincts of  margarine.   Right now, for
     example, one of their semideclared candidates is - get ready - George
     McGovern.  This is a man who, in  1972,  became the first major-party
     presidential  candidate  in  US  history to be chased away  from  the
     voting booth by his own dog.

          So I've decided I'm going to permit either party to nominate me.
     But I'm definitely keeping Dan Quayle.  He's a fun dude,  and  he has
     proved  that  he  can handle the primary duty of the vice presidency,
     which  is to stand behind the president and frown with the concerned,
     thoughtful expression  of  a  man  who  suspects  he  has a live moth
     trapped in his  inner  ear.  The official Barry-Quayle campaign theme
     will be:  "Just What We Need:  Two White Guys In Their 40's."

          My other major appointee  will  be Gen.  H.  Norman Schwarzkopf.
     I realize that, by putting  this man in my administration, I will run
     the risk of becoming wildly popular,  but  that's a risk I am willing
     to take.  He'll be in charge  of  battling a domestic scourge that is
     every bit as much of a threat to  this  nation  as any foreign power.
     That's right:  I'm going to place him in  charge  of the War On Light
     Beer.  As Light Beer Czar, Gen.  Schwarzkopf will  have a two-pronged
     mission, which is to find out (1) who is making this  stuff,  and (2)
     what happens to their breweries when you drop bombs on them.

          Speaking of kicking enemy butt:  Militarily, I intend to be just
     as much  of  a  Stud  Hombre style of president as Mr.  George (Hoss)
     Bush.  When  the  chips  were down, Mr.  Bush was not afraid to go to
     war with Iraq, and  although  I  had  some  doubts  about this at the
     beginning, I learned an important  lesson.    When I'm president, and
     some loud braggart foreign nation such  as Cuba or Yemen tries to put
     us down, I'll go on national TV and announce, in a firm, clear voice,
     that we're going to war with Iraq again.  "When you find a government
     program that works, you stick with it," that is one of my mottoes.

          As a general military policy, however, I probably would  not use
     nuclear weapons.    (Inspirational Slogan:  "Dave Barry:  He Probably
     Wouldn't  Use  Nuclear  Weapons.")  There  really  wouldn't  be  much
     opportunity, inasmuch as our  major nuclear target, the Soviet Union,
     will soon be, due to  secession  movements,  about  the size of Epcot
     Center.  So as president I'd  take  all our atomic missiles and, in a
     dramatic  gesture  that  would  bring  joy  to  peace-loving  peoples
     everywhere,  turn  them  over  to  the states.   This  would  produce
     practical  economic  benefits.   Let's say General Motors decides  to
     close  a  big auto plant in Missouri.  Right now,  all  the  Missouri
     governor  can  do  is  make a whiny speech;  but just  think  of  the
     leverage he'd have with GM executives if, at the push of a button, he
     could convert Detroit into  high-altitude  particles.  Also, it could
     be a good tourism booster.    ("Visit  South  Dakota!    Or Lose Your
     Entire State!")

          Also, I assume it goes without  saying  that  I  favor mandatory
     sterilization of anybody who has knowingly been  elected  to Congress
     more than twice.

          Also I intend to appoint Walter Brennan to  the  Supreme  Court.
     He has earned a shot.

          Of   course  as  president,  I'll  need  to  make  many    other
     appointments  to  high-level,  well-paying federal jobs.  Even as you
     read  these    words,    I'm  conducting  a  nation-wide  search  for
     high-caliber individuals and writing their names on cocktail napkins.
     You may rest assured that, as the nation's leader, I will choose only
     the   best-qualified  people  available,  regardless    of    outside
     considerations.  Make me an offer
