                           THE FRUITS OF THEIR LABOR
                by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist



          At long  last, the federal government is taking action.  I found
     this out thanks to alert reader Dawn Price, who sent me a notice from
     the Standardization Section of the Fresh Products Branch of the Fruit
     and Vegetable Division of the  Agricultural  Marketing Service of the
     US Department of Agriculture.  The  moment  I saw this notice, I said
     to myself:  "I wonder what those  wild  and  crazy  dudes down at the
     Standardization Section of the Fresh Products Branch of the Fruit and
     Vegetable  Division  of the Agricultural Marketing Service of the  US
     Department of Agriculture are up to now!"

          The answer is:  They are standardizing papayas.  I am not making
     this  up.    They  have  churned out several dense pages of  proposed
     papaya  standards,  featuring  subsections  and  sub-subsections  and
     statements such as this:

          "'Fairly  well  formed'  means  the  papaya  may  be  moderately
     lopsided, flattened, elongated or otherwise lacking symmetry, but the
     fruit shall not be sufficiently misshapen to materially  detract from
     its appearance."

          I know how you're reacting to this news, as  a  taxpayer  and  a
     consumer.    You're saying to yourself:  "It's about time,  after  so
     many tragic deaths directly linked to misshapen papayas, that the men
     and women of the Standardization Section of the Fresh Products Branch
     of the  Fruit  and  Vegetable  Division of the Agricultural Marketing
     Service of the  US  Department  of  Agriculture  have decided to take
     action.  *But are they going far enough?*

          I regret to report  that the answer is:  No.  Because there is a
     serious problem here, a problem  that poses a threat potentially even
     more dangerous than the epidemic of  Swine  Flu  shots that swept the
     nation during the administration of Gerald "R."  Ford  (Aug.    9-12,
     1974).

          The  problem is that in certain Hispanic cultures,  particularly
     the Cuban culture, *'papaya' is an *obscene word*.   Really.   If you
     don't  believe  me,  walk up to your boss and say,  "You  big  papaya
     head!" Chances are he'll stare at you blankly, but if there  are  any
     Cuban-Americans around, they'll be laughing like hell.

          And  hell  is  exactly  where  this  nation  is headed, when the
     federal government starts standardizing obscene fruit names.  This is
     just one more  example  of  the rising tide of pornographic filth and
     smut - not just  in the area of fresh produce, but also in the books,
     movies,"rock" music, Care Bear episodes,  cloud  formations,  etc.  -
     that  threatens  to  destroy the moral  foundation  garment  of  this
     nation.

          What can we do?  We can all write angry letters to our congress-
     humans  demanding  that  the  Department  of  Agriculture change  the
     official  name  of  the  papaya to something more suitable,  such  as
     "Geraldo," or even - this would be a nice tribute  - "The Rev.  Jerry
     Falwell Fruit." But that is not all.  We should also demand that Sen.
     Jesse Helms (R-Spider  Family)  hold  televised  hearings  that would
     probe deeply into the  whole alarming issue of obscenity in federally
     standardized produce, with an eye  toward  answering  some  troubling
     questions, such as:

          1.  What about the expression "Get a load of the mangoes on that
     tomato"?

          2.  *What about cucumbers?*

          I'm sure that I speak for all  of  you  when I say that until we
     get some answers, *all* vegetables should be required  to  wear  some
     kind of modest little garments.  Come on, citizens!    Let's  not sit
     back and do nothing while this nation gets flushed down the Toilet of
     Low Morals!  Let's actually help pull the handle!  And let's remember
     these  words,  which  appear  on  a  sign  that  somebody nailed on a
     telephone pole near where I get my car fixed:

          DEFINITELY NO BEER-PEPSI IN HELL.

          I would only add - and I am sure that Rev.  Fruit  would back me
     up here - that this statement also applies to both Classic *and* Coke
     II.
