
                              ESPECIALLY FOR DOGS
                         by Dave Barry, noted humorist



          Today we  have some important developments to report from the US
     food and beverage  industry,  especially  the  historic  breakthrough
     invention of:  ice  cream  for dogs.  We have done a scientific taste
     test of this exciting new  product,  using  actual dogs, and we'll be
     bringing you the results later in  this  column,  when  our  hand has
     healed.

          But first, we have this Bulletin News  Flash:   Madonna has been
     canceled as a celebrity spokeswoman for Pepsi.   Yes!   This actually
     occurred  some  time ago, but we postponed announcing it  because  we
     didn't want to start a rash of suicides.

          Pepsi's  original  decision    to    hire   the  hugely-talented
     singer/actress/neurosurgeon  was  part  of    the    massive  endless
     advertising war between Pepsi and Coke to convince consumers that the
     two beverages don't taste basically the  same,  which  of course they
     do.  They are so similar that  top  executives  of  both corporations
     wear little wrist bracelets saying "Coke" or "Pepsi"  to prevent them
     from  becoming  confused  and  commuting  to  the other corporation's
     headquarters.    So  we're  not talking about rocket scientists here,
     which  explains    the  decision  to  hire  Madonna  as  a  celebrity
     spokeswoman.

          At the time,  this  decisions  was  hailed  as  a major coup for
     Pepsi, which had previously  scored  big  by  signing  up heavyweight
     thinker and role model Mike  Tyson,  who  did that winning commercial
     wherein  he  took  a  refreshing  swig   of  Pepsi,  then  drove  his
     Lamborghini through a nursery school.  And  let's  not forget Michael
     Jackson!    This  intergalactic  superstar  also  did  several  major
     commercials  for  Pepsi, or possibly Coke, and we remember  thinking:
     "Yes!  We want to drink a lot of Coke  or  possibly Pepsi or whatever
     beverage  Michael  Jackson is drinking!  We want to soak in  vats  of
     Michael Jackson's preferred beverage!"

          In  fact,  we are having a lot of trouble these days making  any
     consumer decision without  the aid of a commercial endorsement.  When
     a waiter asks us  what kind of salad dressing we want, many questions
     lunge  into  our brain:   Has  there  been  a  salad  dressing  taste
     challenge?  Which salad dressing does  Chuck  Yeager  endorse?  Which
     one would four out of five leading  doctors choose if they were going
     to be marooned on a desert island with  only one salad dressing?  Why
     does the idea of marooning doctors have such tremendous  appeal?  Our
     mind is a churning mass of consumer confusion, and now  we learn that
     Madonna has been canceled!

          What  happened was, Pepsi made a commercial, on roughly the same
     budget as the B-1 bomber program, wherein Madonna, wearing a crucifix
     and a low-cut dress, drinks a Pepsi, then travels backward in time to
     dance in a  parochial  school.    This  is  of  course exactly how we
     usually express our feeling toward Pepsi, and we were looking forward
     to seeing this commercial more  often  than we see our own offspring.
     But  some religious groups were offended,  so  the  brains  at  Pepsi
     yanked the commercial after only two showings.  We can hardly wait to
     see  which  celebrity  spokesman  they hire next.   Our  best  guess,
     judging from their track record, is:  John Hinckley.    But only time
     will tell.  

          We  do,  however, know this:  It's time to stop  making  fun  of
     airline food.  We know this thanks to alert reader Chip  Gorman,  who
     sent  us  a  copy  to  the Restaurant News with an article headlined:
     "In-flight  feeders fuming over  TV  ad."  Apparently,  National  Car
     Rental did a commercial suggesting that airline food - brace yourself
     - is not very appetizing.   Well  sir.    If  you think the folks who
     manufacture  airline  food are going to take  that  lying  down,  you
     reckoned  without  Mr.    Phil Cook, executive administrator  of  the
     In-Flight  Food-Service  Association, who was very angry at National.
     "The commercials have denigrated the efforts of the dedicated men and
     women  and cast the airline feeding industry in an unpleasant light,"
     he  said,  adding:  "Please excuse me while I make lasagne from  used
     bus seats."

          Ha  ha!   We just made that last part up because we're sure  Mr.
     Cook  has  a  terrific  sense  of humor.  But we did not make up  the
     concept of ice cream for dogs.  A number of alert readers wrote to us
     about a  new  product  called  "Frosty  Paws,"  so  we  went  to  our
     supermarket, and, sure enough, there it was in the ice-cream section.
     Although it's frozen, it's  not  really ice cream:  The box says "ice
     cream isn't good for dogs  -  they  can't  digest  the  lactose (milk
     sugar) and it upsets their stomachs."

          We're not so sure about that.    We  personally own a dog who is
     perfectly  capable  of  digesting  anything  you  put  in  her  dish,
     including  ice  cream,  Chinese food and small appliances.    But  we
     decided to give Frosty Paws a try anyway.  We have it to five dogs we
     know, scientifically selected on the basis of being dogs, and we have
     to admit that they seemed to be violently fond of it:    One  of  our
     test  dogs,  Clementine,  ate  not only the Frosty Paws, but also the
     cardboard container it came in.  This is the kind of dog treat  where
     you  put  it on the lawn and the dog scarfs it up instantly, then  it
     starts  licking  up  the grass where it used to be, then the dirt and
     rocks, until  a  half-hour  later you have this hole in your lawn and
     the dog has  its  head  down  there,  licking cheerfully away in fond
     memory of the former treat.  

          So finally we decided  to  taste  it,  and  quite frankly it was
     awful.  Almost as bad  as airline food.  So now we don't know what we
     think, as a consumer.  We're waiting to hear from Madonna.
