 It's very simple," explained the go-go dancer. "First I kick my
right foot; then I kick my left foot. Between the two of them, I make a
living."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 While driving through the back roads of a small town, the Polish
truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read:  CLEARANCE 11-3.
They got out and measured their rig which was 12-4.
 "What do you think?" asked one, as they climbed back into the cab.
 The driver looked around conspiratorially, then shifted into
first.
 "Not a cop in sight. Lets go for it!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 These two worms were sittin' down in their worm hole talking and
one worm said 'Why don't you go up and check the weather. I heard it
was gonna rain today.". So the other worm said "OK!". And at that very
moment these two lady golfers were on the 9th green and one had to take
a wicked piss, So she went out into the brush and squatted down to
relieve herself. So, just as she was doing that, the worm popped up and
got blasted by a stream of piss. So the worm goes back down into his
hole and his friend says "Well, is it raining?". And the first worm
said "Not only is it raining, bit it is raining so hard that the birds
are building their nests up side down!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A teacher decides to give a spelling quiz.  She calls on the first
child in the row, "Darnell, spell "before" for me."
 Darnell:  Be'fo.  b-e-f-o.
 Teacher:  Not quite.  How about you Rastus?
 Rastus:  Be'fo.  b-e-f-o-r.
 Teacher:  Still not quite.  Leroy?
 Leroy:  Be'fo  b-e-f-o-r-e.
 Teacher:  Excellent.  Now use it in a sentence.
 Leroy:   Ummmm.  Two and two be'fo.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Swallowing his pride, Fred finally made an appt. with the great
foreign specialist and told him he wanted his penis enlarged.  After
examining him, the Dr. prescribed a bottle of pills.  "Each time you
take one, say 'Wee'", the Dr. instructed him solemnly, "and your penis
will actually grow."
 Fred was barely out of the parking lot before he popped  ten of
the pills. Unfortunately, he was so excited that he lost control of his
car and as it plunged over a cliff he squeal of terror
..."Weeeeeeeeeeeee" was heard loud and clear.
 Not long afterwards, a couple was driving down the same road.
"Look, honey," observed the woman, "there is the hairiest telephone
pole I've ever seen...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A young girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was tied up,
blindfolded and raped by a Texan."  "Did  you get a good look at him?"
the cops asked. "No, I didn't see his face and he didn't say anything." 
"Then how do you know he was a Texan, miss?"  "'Cause he had a 10-inch
belt buckle and a 3-inch dick!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 These three guys all had to spend the night in a haunted house.
The black dude was on the 3rd floor, the italian dude on the 2nd floor,
and the polish dude on the last floor. They were sleeping when the
black dude(3rd floor) had to take a shit. Since there was no toilet, he
crapped in the bed sheet, tied it up, and threw it down the stairs. The
italian guy saw it and he decided he had to go too. So he untied it,
crapped in it, and tied it back up, throwing it down the stairs. They
all came to talking in the morning. The black guy told the others about
his shit experience. So did the Italian guy. The polish dude says, "I
don't care what happened to you, last night, I saw a ghost fly down the
stairs so I grabbed it by the neck and beat the shit out of it.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition: RODEO FUCK
 That's when you are doing it to your woman 'Doggy-Style' and you
lean down and whisper in her ear, "This is how your Sister likes it." 
Then you have to hang on for the next 8 seconds!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was this policeman who had the nightly beach duty.  His main
job was to make sure that no hanky-panky was going on...
 Anyway, he's driving along the coast & sees this car parked.  He
goes up to it & sees two people in the back seat.  he knocks on the
window,"Hey!  What are you two doing back there?" A woman pops her
head up & says, "We're doing the bosanova".  The cop said "Oh, okay." 
and he moves on.
 Soon after, he comes up to another car, goes up to the window,
"Hey!  What is going on in there?"  "Oh, we're doing the bosanova,"
says the woman. "Oh, okay," and he moves on again.
 Then the cop comes to another car, goes up to the window and
"Alright!  I know what's going on in there!!  You're doing the
bosanova!"  A woman pops up from the backseat and says, "No....I'm
doing the bossafavor!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A scruffy biker decided to spring for an expensive dinner out for
his girlfriend's birthday. After being seated, they overheard the
fellow in the next booth say, "Please pass the sugar, please, Sugar."
 A moment later, they overheard a man in the opposite booth say,
"Please pass the honey, please, Honey."
 The biker cleared his throat, looked his girlfriend in the eyes
and said, "Pass the bacon, please, pig."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There are these two traveling salesmen waaaayyy out on the country
and their car breaks down and they have to find a place to spend the
night.  (now the new part.)
 They come upon a old broken down farm house and decide to knock on
the door and see if anyone is home.  The door opens and the UGLIEST
woman you have ever seen is standing there smiling with all 3 teeth. 
They look at each other (the salesmen that is) and one asks, "would
you mind if we spent the night on your porch?"  The woman replies, "One
of you can spend the night on the porch if the other one spends the
night with ME!"  The two guys flip for it and of course one looses.
 John, (the guy who lost) followed the UGLY women into her bedroom
and as soon as the door slammed shut she was pawing at his pants.  He
said, "Now hold on!"  "If I'm going to do this I need it to be dark!"
and with that he went over and shut off the light.  Well as soon as he
heard the women taking her pants off he could SMELL her!  And at that
point he panicked.  He remembered that when he turned off the light he
saw a bucket of corn by the door so as he headed for the bed he drug
the bucket with him.
 Well as soon as he got to the bed he grabbed an ear of corn and
started working it in and out, in and out.  After about 5 minutes he
realized that the corn was getting soggy, so he threw it out the window
and quickly grabbed another piece and didn't even break rhythm!  He did
this with about 12 pieces of corn and finally the woman was sound
asleep.
 The next morning the two guys left, got their car fixed, and were
on the road again.  Ed, (the guy who slept on the porch) was just as
happy as could be.  "What are you so Fucking happy about?", demanded
John.  "Well," said Ed "While you were Fucken that UGLY bitch last
night, I was out on the porch eat'n HOT BUTTERED CORN!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 (Nurse) Good morning Mrs. Goldberg, have you decided on a name for
your baby?
 (Mother, in grumpy mood) Yes, I have.
 (Nurse) What is it?
 (Mother) Arafat.
 (Nurse) ARAFAT???
 (Mother) Yes, Arafat.
 (Nurse) But Mrs. Goldberg, how could you give your child such a
hateful name?
 (Mother) Stop calling me Mrs. Goldberg.  It's Miss.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Bill finds his old girlfriend Sal at their 20th class reunion. 
They talk for a while, then Sal tells Bill the sad news.
 "Yeah," she says, "I had to have a hysterectomy last month."
 "Damn," Bill says.  "Sorry to hear it . . . "
 Sal shrugs.  "Well," she replies, "It wasn't ALL bad. We finally
found your class ring!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nursery Rhymes

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jill forgot to take the pill
And now they have a daughter......  

Little Willie, mad as hell,
pushed his sister down a well
mother said while drawing water
"it's so hard to raise a daughter!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There were two nuns - one young, and one old - walking through 
the park. They were set upon by two hoodlums, who threw them to the
ground and began raping them. The younger nun looked upwards to heaven
and said
 "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."  
 The older nun then looked over and said
 "I don't know about yours, but mine sure does!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 "Doc, you gotta help me," said Mr. Smith, walking into the
physicians office.  "I need a prescription for Sex Lax."
 "Don't you mean Ex-Lax", asked the Dr?
 "No, no, no...", answered Smith testily, "I don't have trouble
going, I have trouble coming..."!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The teacher was asking the kids which part of the body would get
to Heaven first.  Little Suzie said "The eyes."  When asked why, she
replied "So you can see where you're going."  Little Billy said "The
ears."  The teacher asked why he said that, and he replied "So we can
hear what's going on around us."  Little Johnny said "The feet."  "Now
Johnny," asked the teacher "why do you say that?"  Little Johnny said
"Well, last night, I looked into my parents' bedroom, and Mom had her
feet up in the air and was saying 'Oh God....I'm coming!'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 These three old guys were rocking and talking on the front porch 
of the old rest home.  The first says, "I've got heart problems and 
arthritis.  I ache all over and have a hard time getting around.  But, 
knock on wood." (He knocks on the wooden porch rail.)  "My mind is 
still clear." 
 The second old guy says, "Well, I've got high blood pressure and 
diabetes.  I can't stand my bland diet.  And I, too, have arthritis 
and have a hard time getting around.  But, knock on wood."  (He knocks 
on the wooden porch railing.)  "I still have a good mind." 
 The third guy says, "Well, I've had these real bad headaches. 
Sometimes it hurts way down my spine and I can hardly move for the 
pain.  I have dizzy spells and have a difficult time walking.  But, 
knock on wood."  (He knocks on the wooden porch railing.)  "Come In!" 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Five thousand years ago Moses said
"Pick up your shovel and mount your ass and
I shall deliver you from the promised land."

Five thousand years later, Trudeau said,
"Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass,
and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

This year Brian Mulroney will take your shovel,
sell your camel, kick your ass and tell you
he gave away the promised land.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the
ultimate sex act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to
inquire about sizes and styles of condoms.
 The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity for fun
at the lad's expense
 "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking  his
hand. The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small
instrument grow in her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had
unfurled to a rosy seven and a half inches, the young man, unable to
contain himself, had a orgasm with a tremendous discharge. After
recovering, he asked the widow if she could now  give him the proper
size.
 "I'll do more than that." she said. "I'll give you free meals and
a one-half interest in the store."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A couple goes into the doctors office with a problem. "Doc", he
says, "I love to make love with my wife but we already have 15 kids.  I
don't want any more kids but I don't want to stop making love either."
 The Doctor give him a handful of small envelopes.  "Here, use
these before you start making love to her."
 "How do I use them?" asks the man.
 "Just read the directions on the package".
 The next month this same couple comes back to see the doctor.  The
wife is pregnant again.  "Doc, it didn't work!"
 "Didn't you follow the directions", asks the doctor.
 "I sure did.  But I didn't have an organ so I put it on the
piano...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Top 9 Sex excuses

9. We'll make too much noise 
8. I'm not excited anymore 
7. I'm not a machine
6. I hardly know you 
5. We really should wait 
4. My back hurts 
3. Not tonight--I have a headache 
2. What--again? 
1. There's something on T.V. I want to  watch
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for
the opening  ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to
talk their way in ate the gate. Security was very tight, however, and
each of their attempts was  met with a stern refusal.
 While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came
upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of
scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the
pole vault," and was admitted.
 The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site.
When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate
and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
 The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to
give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire,
he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'sullivan, fencing."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Teacher blindfolds a student and tells him she is going to let him
taste a couple of items to see if he can guess what they are.The first
he guesses as an orange,the second as an apple,the third he can't
figure out.The teacher says she will give him a hint and says it is
what your mother gives your father when he comes home from work and one
and one of the kids yells SPIT IT OUT IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A team from Poland's space program were visiting Cape Kennedy to
check out the shuttle launch.  As they toured NASA's high-tech
facilities, their American guides couldn't help boasting, "You know,
Bush says we're gonna go to Mars!"
 "That's nothing," said a Polish astronaut, "We're planning a trip
to the sun!"
 "Impossible!  Anyway, your craft would burn up!"
 "No it won't," the Pollack grinned, "We'll go at night."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Old indian is walking down the street.  Woman on third floor is
watering her flowers in a house coat.  She slips and falls out her
window ending up head first in a garbage can.  Her legs are flying in
the air with all her goodies for the world to see when the old indian
walks by.
 He says " white man crazy, she's good for another 10 years".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 While daddy is in the barber's chair getting his hair cut daughter
is sitting in the chair watching, eating a peach.  She accidently drops
her fruit on the floor and the barber says "Oh little girl, you've got
hair on your peach"
 And daughter says "yea and I'm only eleven".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with
his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out
of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After
about a week of no news the business man received a telegram:
 "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up
yesterday..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Two bums were sitting on the side walk talking about the ways of
the world.
 "You know yesterday, a white cadillac pulls over and inside was
the most beautiful blonde woman I have ever seen.  She invited me for a
ride and we drove around the country for hours until we got to this
forest. She told the driver to stop and took her underwear off, leaned
back in the seat, and told me to take whatever I wanted..."
 "So what did you do?", ask the other bum.
 "What do you mean? I took the cadillac of course."
 "That's good. I don't think her panties would have fit you
anyway." said the other.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A texan went to a bar and picked up a young lady from out of state
and took her back to his place. while walking in the lady noticed the
enormous size of the living room and remarked about it."Hell
EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS" boomed her escort!
 When she walked into a room she encountered a large swimming pool
and remarked about that also. "That my little filly is the
bathtub...Hell EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS" he again boomed.
 The cowboy escorted her to the bedroom and then proceeded to
undress when the lady remarked about the enormous size of the Texan's
horse-sized pecker."Hell EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS" the cowpoke
sheepishly said. the lady proceeded to undress and when down to her
bare skin she turned around to confront her lover to be, and the texan
boomed once again.............
 "So what part of texas are you from little missy?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a
field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra:
 TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is? 
 JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes.
Must be a zebra.
 TEACHER: Very good, Johnny.  
 They come to the elephant.
 TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal this is? 
 JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an
elephant? 
 TEACHER: Very good, Jane.
 They come to the baboon cage.
 TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is?
 No response.
 Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly.
 TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try? 
 BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over,
and has a stupid look on his face... must be a truck driver.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A polish mother wants to get everything perfectly right for her
daughters' wedding, so she researches everything she can find about
weddings, books magazine articles, newspaper reports, the works.
 On the big day, the wedding comes off without a hitch, except that
just before the wedding vows are started, a man who seems to be uneasy
about something enters the church, and starts groping some of the women
at a high level.  The brides' family does nothing, so everyone just
waits to see what happens, after a while, the man leaves.  The vows are
said, and everything else finishes normally.
 After the ceremony, some of the grooms family went to the brides
mother and said "You showed such amazing restraint when that man tried
to disrupt the wedding."
 The mother said "But he was supposed to be there."
 Shocked, the grooms family asked why.
 "See here in these clippings, it says that a nervous titter went
through the crowd."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The organization of any bureaucracy is like a septic tank in that
all the really big chunks float to the top. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New IBM Operating System

 The following memo recently came across my desk for general
distribution, and was provided by the IBM publications dept., P.O.Box
12195-E02, Research Triangle Park, NC, 22709.
 
 SUBJECT: NEW OPERATING SYSTEM FOR IBM MAINFRAMES.
 
 Because So many users have asked for an Operating System of even
greater capability than VM, IBM announces the 'Virtual Universe
Operating System'.
 
 Running under OS/VU, the individual user appears to have not
merely a machine of their own, but an entire universe of their own, in
which they can set up, and take down their own programs, data sets,
system networks, planets and even solar systems. The user need only
specify the universe desired, and the OS/VU system generation
program(IEHGOD) does the rest. This utility will reside in the library
named 'SYS1.GODLIB'.  Optimum performance for this function is six days
of execution and one day of overhead. In conjunction with OS/VU, all
system facilities will be replaced by one utility (IEHPROPHET) which
will reside in the library names 'SYS1.MESSIAH'. This utility has no
parms or control cards as it naturally knows what you want it to do
when it is executed.
 
 Naturally the user must have attained a certain degree of
sophistication in the data processing field if efficient utilization of
OS/VU is to be achieved.  Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for
instance, can lead to unexpected delays in task execution. Although
IBM, through its wholly-owned subsidiary, the United States of America,
has embarked upon a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus
reduce the overhead of extrasolar and metadimensional pagination, users
must, at present, be careful to stay within the bounds of the laws of
physics. IBM will charge a fee for any infractions.
 
 OS/VU will operate upon any IBM x0xx system possessing the
Extended WARP Option.
 
 Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing
systems and hardware to OS/VU as soon as their engineers effect an one
output that is (conceptually) error-free.  This will yield a base to
develop an even more powerful operating system, designated 'Virtual
Reality'. OS/VR is planned to enable the user to migrate to totally
unreal universes. To aid the user in identifying the difference between
a 'virtual reality' and 'REALITY', a file consisting of a linear
arrangement of multi-sensory total records, or successive moments of
'now' will be established, and reside in the data set labeled
'SYS1.est'.
 
  A Government Worker
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Bronko's wife was making a spectacle of herself at a Kings game.
She was drunk, screaming obscenities at the players on the court, and
ended up sitting on a strange guy's lap inside his raccoon coat...
bouncing up and down.
 Hey said Bronko's friend, "Can't you see that guy is fucking your
wife???"
 "Don't pay any attention," said Bronko.  "She's drunk."
 "Why the hell don't you leave her home to get drunk?"
 "Yea?" said Bronko, "then everybody would fuck her."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   SIGN FOR YOUR COMPUTER

Another good sign for your computer goes like this:
Before I started working here  I smoked, drank, and cussed for no
reason at all. Now I have a reason!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Lots of girls can be had for a song. Unfortunately, it often turns
out to be the wedding march.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But
she can never manage to catch him at it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man arrived early to work one day to find his Polish friend
laughing hysterically."What's so funny ?" he asked.
 The Pollack said "I just found out that the foreman is paying 20$
to screw my wife!" "What's funny about that?" the man said.
 "That guy is crazy! I screw her for free!" said the Pollack..  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A drunk fella in a bar boasts that his dick is longer than the
cat's tail. The bartender takes him up on the challenge....
 First he measures the cat's tail; 18 Inches! "That's a pretty
'tall' order to fill", says the bartender. The drunk says, "Nooooo
problem!".
 The drunk drops his pants. As the bartender goes to measure the
drunk cries out, "No, no, no! From my asshole...just like the cat!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A lawyer picked up a broad in a bar one night and took her home. 
They became carnally intimate.  After such an exchange the lawyer never
saw the woman again.  A simple one night stand.
 Until one day the lawyer was at a filling station about 11 months
later and saw the woman filling up her tank.  He also noticed a newborn
baby in her back seat.  Doing a little simple math, he thought to
himself..."Hey, that's probably my kid!"
 He walked up to the woman and introduced himself and asked if the
child was his.  The woman replied "yes."
 "Well, why didn't you tell me, I would have done the right thing
and we could have been married."
 The woman said, "Well I talked it over with the family and we
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family rather than
a lawyer."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just emigrated
to Israel and asked him to open his 2 suitcases.  And in the first one
he found over a million dollars in 1 dollar bills.
 "Excuse me, sir," he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get
all this money?"
 "Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "For many years, I
traveled  all around America and I stopped at all of the public rest
rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to
Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco.  I vent into all the stalls
vhere the men were spritzing and I say, 'Give me a dollar for Israel or
I'll cut your  testicles vit my knife'.
 "That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "What's in the 2nd
suitcase?"
 "Vell, you know," said the old jew, shaking his head, "Not
everyone likes to give..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was a guy in a singles' bar and was hitting on this
beautiful lady and decides to take her home..so he asks and she agrees.
 Well she hops in her car and they talk most of the way home and he
thinking to himself.."I'm going to get lucky tonight" so they pull up
in front of her house and she says"Thanks for the ride home, I guess
i'll see you around."  as she walks away from the car the guy is left
speechless, and can't believe that this was happening to him..well
about that time he sees a light flip on, he decided that he might as
well get something out of this so he tip toes over to the window and
can see (luckily) under the shade. She starts taking off her cloths..he
is getting excited..and then all of the sudden she pulls this wig off,
then she reaches in her pants and pulls out what were her butt..and
then in her shirt and pulls out to LARGE water balloons..as all this is
going on she just seems to be taking more off..he can't believe that
this is happening to him and is glad that she did not invite him
in..about that time she catches a glance of him and throws up the
window..."WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, WHAT DO YOU WANT??"  
 And he says to her.." You know what I want just unsnap it and
throw it out the window."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 70 year old man goes to a nudist colony to fulfill a lifelong
dream. Manager tells him it will cost him $800.00 to become a member.
He screams and hollers and says this is too much.
 The manager tells him to go ahead and join the others outside
<minus clothes> and stay for the day and see if he enjoys it. He
disrobes and walks outside where he spots this GORGEOUS blond woman. He
becomes aroused and the woman immediately drops to her knees and
proceeds to pleasure him.
 After she finishes he rushes back into the office and immediately
forks over the $800.00. 
 He goes back outside and is standing there watching a volleyball
game when he drops his cigar.
 He bends over to pick it up and a big burly man rushes over and
plugs him from behind.
 He runs back into the office and demands his money back.
 The manager says, "Why? When you became aroused didn't the blonde
lady pleasure you? She, or another of the ladies out there will do it
anytime you are obviously aroused."
 The old man says "Yeah, but I'm 70 years old. I become aroused
MAYBE once or twice a month, I'm liable to drop my cigar 5 or 6 times a
day!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A fifteen year old girl comes home from her date with her head in
the clouds and her mother asks how her date went.  The girl dreamily
replies "I'm so in love!".  At this the mother started laughing and
said to her daughter "you don't even know what love is, give me a
break".  The girl gets angry and says "I do to, love is when you suck
your boyfriends' dick and then let him fuck you up the ass!"  This
makes her mother laugh even harder to the point where she is almost in
tears.  When she can finally speak she says to her daughter "I knew you
didn't know, love is when you let him fuck you up the ass and THEN you
suck his dick!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 I was in bed with this woman. She looked at passionately and
said, "Give me 10 inches of rock hard dick!" 
 I jumped out of the bed in amazement and said, "Your crazy, I
don't fold my dick in half for nobody!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   ASCIIstrology  by: Al Gorithum
  
MARCH 21 TO APRIL 19 -- ARRAYS
  
You are an Arrays, and like to be the first in and last out. You love
to randomly access data files that are too large to be contained in
memory. You are always in a unique and meaningful pattern, so your
position is very clear. Sometimes you have a tendency to tie up the
processor with your own demands. A no strings relationship with a fast
paced co-processor is your idea of a good  time. You are always ready
to be turned on.
  
APRIL 20 TO MAY 20 - TRANSFER
  
You are a Transfer and are extremely PC loving. You are fixed in mind
and prefer a large hard disk. Your office cubicle is usually filled
with plants. You will be the first in your department to have  a
hardwood keyboard. You are a plotter and are seldom late for work. You
tend to be stubborn and resist making too many revisions in a document.
Your artistic nature makes a color monitor important to you.
  
MAY 21 TO JUNE 21 - GRAPHIC
  
You are a Graphic; to you the whole world is bit-mapped. You have  good
memory, at least a megabyte in RAM. Your monitor has very high
resolution and your modem was 4800 baud when every one else was still
at 1200. Your highly strung wiring makes you tend to short out easily.
You should learn to relax and avoid programming in BASIC, even though
it comes easy to you. Your data bases tend to be chaotic and
unorganized. take better care of your peripherals, as you tend to
neglect them.
  
JUNE 21 TO JULY 22 - CONSOLE
  
You are a Console and are sensitive and very receptive. You respond to
the emotions of others and tend to break down under stressful
situations. Consolians are generally worriers, full of glitches and 
responsive to line noise. You like to stay in a safe, quiet corner of
the room, one that is free of dust and static. Sometimes you try to
cover your true appearance, especially on weekends when you prefer
being alone. Like the moon, you shine the brightest at night.
  
JULY 23 TO AUGUST 22 - LASER
 You are a Laser that makes you special. People look to you with
high expectations. Your image is very distinctive. Yours is often the
last world. Your natural sense of proportion tells you what typeface is
proper for any occasion. Being a fixed sine, Lasers are slow. Many have
fairly good memories, but are slow at recalling an image.  You tend to
be a Bit of a snob, looking down upon rough drafts as unacceptable.
Though quick to anger, you don't hold a smudge for  long.
  
AUGUST 23 TO SEPTEMBER 22 - VIRTUAL
  
You are a Virtual, so having a good memory is important to you.
Everything is in its place in your hard disk and your desk top is neat
and tidy. You may even have separate cover for your mouse. Your  overly
critical path can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Reserved,
but loving constant attention, you seek direct contact and seek
immediate results. You are especially interested in health care 
programs, and of course, Accounting. You always seek new and 
different ways of doing things.
SEPTEMBER 23 TO OCTOBER 22 - LIFO
  
You are always moving, restless, and are the last in and first out at
any social occasion, moving on quickly to the next impulse. You are a
master networker. LIFOs are well known for taking up one  project after
another with great zeal and enthusiasm, only to move quickly on to
suddenly leave it and take up another. Thus you are often called the
Jack-of-all-trade-shows; master of none. You have a knack for working
with partners and enjoy hand-holding. You are  known for your facility
with languages.
  
OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 21 - SECTOR
  
You are a Sector. You have very strong opinions about what goes where.
"Everything in its place" is your motto. A born leader and soldier, you
will often ask: "Do you want this disk initialized?" You should avoid
being overbearing and arbitrary. Sector people are usually somewhat
controversial and do not do things in half measures. You are known for
your IC stare. Remember, your sharp words can do or undo good or bad,
so try to avoid read/write errors.
  
NOVEMBER 22 TO DECEMBER 21 - SATELLITE
  
You are a Satellite, so you always aim high. Sometimes though, you tend
to look down on others when you should not. You have a photographic
memory. This makes you an excellent story teller with many levels of
meaning going on simultaneously. You have an appreciation for Eastern
thought, but always come around to see the other point of view. Your
fault is putting yourself above others. You sometimes forget that:
"What goes up must come down". You enjoy fast living but also have
lofty ideals.
  
DECEMBER 22 TO JANUARY 19 - CAPACITOR
  
You are a Capacitor and you know your own limits. Architecture is very
important to you. You are deep, prudent, firm and cautious. Often
unnoticed or appreciated, you still are persevering and relentless.
Your do or diode attitude seldom switches. You cling to life with great
TENacity. Capacitors work well alone but can be overbearing. Since your
power is often low, you must learn to conserve energy and use it
wisely.
  
JANUARY 20 TO FEBRUARY 18 - ASYNCHRONOS
 
You are Asnchronos, which means you are often unORthodox. Your
standards are unique, ahead of their time and may not always be readily
accepted by others. Sincere and honest, you do not like half-duplex or
twisted-pairs. Strong in your own likes and dislikes, you will often
cling to the opinions of others once they are formatted. Your ideas are
radical but honest.
  
FEBRUARY 19 TO MARCH 20 -- PCs
  
You are a PC, so everyone finds you attractive. You are modest, neat, a
lover of order and completeness. You are submissive to others, but
still have independent processing ability. Sometimes you  byte off more
than you can do. PCs are industrious and methodical and can be trusted
with secret information as they are very closed mouthed. Your tendency
to self-indulgence may lead to a downfall, though, especially in
complex social situations which require a  great deal of networking.
You are overly fond of Hex, and should therefore make certain that your
monitor is shielded.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   AMAZING SPACE
(From the Binary Bible Hymnal)
 
Amazing Space,
How sweet it is
To have a disk like thee,
My files were lost
But now they're found,
There's room on my PC
 
Amazing Space,
How neat it is
To hear the hard-disk whine,
And see the printer
Start to print
The files I know are mine.
 
Through many dangers,
Coils and wires,
I have already been,
'Tis Space that brought me
Safe this far
And space will save me again.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys were walking down the street. They saw a pile of shit.
One said, "Is that a pile of shit?" Another said "Let's look at it
closer." So they looked at it closer and still weren't sure, then one
said "Let's feel it." So they felt it, but they still weren't exactly
sure. So finally they said "Let's taste it." They tasted it and said,
"Yep, it's shit all right,I am sure glad we didn't step in it!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There is this guy in his brand new corvette testing out the
engine. As here speeds down a back road he comes along a biker with a
broken wheel.  So he stops and asks if he can help and the biker asks
him if he could possible get him and his bike to town to get repaired
and the corvette owner says "Well I don't have room in the car for it
so I'm afraid I can't help you".  but the biker stops him and says
"Well you just take the front wheel and I'll but the frame on the back
and ride the bike to town". The corvette owner agrees and they put the
forks of the bike onto the back of the car and they get ready to go
when the corvette owner stops and says"what if I go to fast?" and the
biker says"well i'll just ring my bell and you can slow down" so they
get going and a black trans-am pulls up beside the corvette and guns
his engine to race but the corvette driver just shakes his head and say
no.  so the trans-am leaves but keeps coming back so the corvette
driver gets pissed off and races away a few miles down the road a
traffic cop in a helicopter sees them and calls in to
headquarters"you'll never believe what i just saw--two cars racing down
this street and a bike ringing his bell to pass
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A guy walks into a whorehouse and slaps down $75.00 an the desk.
The guys says "Gimme your best girl for the night..!" The girl at the
counter says "Ok, go to room 305, but I gotta warn you, Missy is very
picky." The guy says "No problem, I'm all set.."  So he rushes up to
room 305, and Missy says "Look mister, I don't want to be a picky pain,
but I can't get enough of the male organ and I want one that is 6 feet
long. Come back tomorrow, and I'll take care of you, ok?" So the guy
heads from home, and starts to pull and yank, and stretch, and tug.
He's got 2 feet to his name, so he returns to the whore who says "Look,
that's an incredible effort, but I want 6 feet." So he goes home and
again sat up all night tugging and heaving and ho-ing and pulling. He's
got 4 whole feet, and again he returns the next day. "Umm..Mister, I'm
sorry but it's not 6 feet yet..." So, he returns home, and in a fury,
clamps his 4 foot long penis and PULLS AND PULLS AND PULLS, and in a
triumphant display, wraps his 8 FOOT LONG dick around his neck like a
scarf, and bursts into room 305 saying "I'm ready now!" Missy looks in
amazement, and says "I'll be right back!" She slips into her most sexy
lingerie, and returns. "Ok, let's go", she says in her most steamy
voice.  
 The guy gets a hard on and strangles himself to death...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 I went to a doctor, and told him that whenever I drank a cup of
coffee, I got a stabbing pain in my left eye. He told me to stop
drinking coffee. I went to another doctor to get a 2'nd opinion. She
told me to take the spoon out of the cup.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 I got a puppy recently, it is the offspring of a purebred terrier
and a mysterious visitor. I asked if he knows how big it will get.
 The owner of the terrier gestured something around the size of a
breadbox.
 "Oh, you know who the father is?"
 "No,"he replied " That's the size of the hole on the fence."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 An ambulance driver arrived at the Polish hunting school to find 
the instructor writhing on the ground with a number of bullet wounds in
his groin. "My God, what happened?, gasped the paramedic.
 "He got confused", explained the teacher through clenched jaws. 
"My instructions were for him to COCK his GUN..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There's this golfer, and he really, really, likes golfing and he
goes just about every day. One day he knocks one WAYYYYY into the
woods, and as he's looking  for  it, he comes across a witch, stirring
a huge pot. Curiously, he asks what's in it, and the witch goes "A
golfing potion.  It will help your game 500%, but there ARE some
after-effects". The guy says "Like  what?". Witch:"Your sex life will
just go down the tubes." The guy thinks, and decides that he's not
been doing to well anyway, so he agrees. The next time he goes
golfing, his score goes down by about 20 strokes, and he does really
good all year.  About  9  months later, he purposely hits one into the
woods, and talks to the witch. She asks him:"How's golfing?"
 "Better than ever!" says the guy
 "What about your sex life?" Says the witch
 "Well, I've gotten it 9 times in the last 9 months"
 "That's worse than I'd thought"said the witch
 "Not really," said the man," It's not bad for an 85 year old
Catholic Priest.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There's a woman out golfing, and a golf pro decides to watch her,
and she's doing just awful, so he decides to help. He comes over to
her, and tries to explain how to hold the club, but she just doesn't
get it.
 So he says "Ok, hold it like you would your husbands dick." She
does, and hits it 100 yards... The second time, 140 yards.
 "Great "says the golf pro, "Now spit out that driver and I'll
show ya how to putt!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Three girls are sitting in the office discussing their boyfriends.
By coincidence their boyfriends all had the same first name (Bruce), so
they renamed their  boyfriends after soft beverages.
 One girl said "I named my boyfriend 7up because he's seven inches
and he's  always up when I'm around."
 Number two girl said "I named my boyfriend Canada Dry, because
he's from Ottawa and he screws me till I'm dry.
 Number three smiles and stated "I call mine JACK DANIELS".
 One of the other girls said "Hey, that's not a soft
drink....that's hard  liquor." "Yep" beamed number three "He certainly
is!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this Union man who went to the local whorehouse & asked
the  Madam "I'm looking for some pleasure this evening, but I'm a union 
man. Is this a union shop?" She just laughed at him, so he went down
the road. After about the 6th house he went to he found a madam that 
said "yes,this is a union shop". He said okay, & the madam sent to his
room an 87 yr. old lady. He went up to the madam & asked "why am I
getting such an old hag to be with?" he demanded. She said "I have no
choice, she has seniority"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A city girl was visiting a farm, and, unaware of the danger,
wandered into a field where a bull was grazing.  The bull charged her
and chased her up a tree.  Her cries for help soon brought a farmhand,
who caught the bull.  As he was leading the bull away, he grinned up at
the girl and said, "What's the matter, couldn't you take it?"
 "Sure I could take it," replied the girl, "but what the hell would
I do with a calf in Manhattan?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man from Connecticut was taking a cross-country train trip which
happened to take him through Texas.  At one stop in that state, an
extremely attractive young woman got on and sat down across the aisle
from him.  The Northern was very turned on, and finally leaned over and
said to the woman, "Hey, baby, want to come back to my sleeper with me
for $5?"
 At these words, a Texan sitting nearby jumped up out of his seat,
drew a revolver, and shot the Northerner dead.  Blowing the smoke out
of the gun barrel, and replacing the revolver in its holster, he gave a
fierce look around the car and said:
 "Any more damn Yankees want to try raising the price of women in
Texas?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In the mid seventies when disco was popular, A friend of mine ran
a coffee shop near the McAllen General Hospital.  The emergency room
nurses told this story over coffee of a guy that was brought in.  He
had been in dancing at a popular disco and had gotten in a fight.  He
came in to the E.R. in bad shape.  He let the E.R. crew take off his
shirt to treat his wounds. But when they went to take off his pants he
began to kick and fight the nurses like there was no tomorrow.  He was
given a sedative and when the nurses finally got his pants off they
found a summer sausage taped to his leg.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 These two Pollacks go out on the town one night. They tie their
horses in front of the bar and decide that they will probably be too
drunk to tell them apart when they come out. One suggests to the other
that they cut the right ear off his horse and the left ear off the
other horse. "When we come out, we will just match up the ears and we
can tell which horse is which.  They do this and go on about their
boozing.
 Later that night they come back out to the horses and after
several minutes of trying to fit the ears back onto the proper horse,
one says to the other, "Ah to hell with the ears,,,You take the black
horse and I'll take the white one."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      There Was This Admiral...

 There was this Admiral in the Polish Navy who was spending an
afternoon touring the local military hospital.
 At the first ward, the admiral stopped at a bed and asked the man
in the bed "Why are you here?"
 The guy said, "I have hemorrhoids sir."
 The admiral then said, "What do you have to do for them?"
 And the guy said, "I brush, I scrub, Very hard, every morning."
 The admiral replied,"Well, what's the most important thing for you
right now?"
 And the guy said "To get back to my army unit and fight for my
country!"
 "Very good!" said the admiral.
 At the next bed, the admiral asked the man there the same
questions.
 "Why are you here?" said the admiral, and the man replied "I have
syphilis".
 "Oh!, and what do you do for that sickness" the admiral said.
 The man replied, "I scrub and I brush, and I brush and I scrub
every morning".
 "Very good" the admiral said," and "What's the most important
thing to you right now?"
 The man replied, "I scrub and I brush, and I brush and I scrub
every morning".
 "Very good" the admiral said," and "What's the most important
thing to you right now?"
 The guy said, "Sir, I want to get back to my ship very badly, and
serve my country honorably!"
 "Outstanding" said the admiral.
 Finally, the admiral came to the third bed, where he again asked
this man "What are you here for?"
 The man replied "I have gingivitis!"
 The admiral said "Very interesting, What do you do for this?"
 The man said, " I brush and I scrub, and I scrub and I brush,
every morning."
 To which the admiral then replied "What is the most important
thing for you right now?"
 The man replied "To get to the brush first."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOING IT Religiously?

 A fellow had chanced upon a lovely lady who had consented to go to
bed with him.  He tried to impress her with his sexual prowess as best
he could, but after awhile she was not being satisfied.
 "What's the matter", he asked.  "Well My friend", she replied.  "I
had hoped that your ORGAN would have been bigger."
 "I'm sorry!!!", replied The guy.  "I didn't know I'd be playing in
this big of a CATHEDRAL."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting Smart:
 
 A little boy accompanied his swinging parents to a nudist colony
for the first time.  After looking around for a few minutes, the boy
ask his father why some men had big ones and some men had small ones.
 Rather than go into a long explanation the father replied, "The
men that have big ones are smarter, and the men that have small ones
are stupid."
 Buying his father's explanation, the boy went off to explore his
new surroundings.  Time pass and he finally came across his father
again.
 "Where's your mom, son?"
 "Oh," the boy answered, "she's behind the bushes talking to some
stupid guy who's getting smarter by the minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DO COMPUTERS HAVE RUNNY NOSES?
Erma Bombeck, The Los Angeles Times
 I got a virus the same week the nation's computers did.  The
computers got theirs from a 23-year-old kid from Arnold, Maryland.  I
got mine from shaking hands in church and saying, "Peace be with you."
 The computer virus made the national news.  My virus got a yawn
from my husband who said, "Get dressed and you'll feel better."
 Frankly, I don't like computers taking on human airs.  If they
want to get a fungus when someone spills coffee on their keys, OK, but
a virus belongs to people who can feel and throw up.
 In a few short years, the computer has gotten more respect than
people have in the last two centuries.  I don't know why.  As my
husband pressed a brown grocery bag into a waste can and mechanically
shoved it near my bed, he said, "This is terrible.  Have you any idea
the damage a computer virus could do to this country?  It could bring
it to its knees."
 I crawled to the bathroom.
 "Listen to this," he yelled, "The virus spread to more than 6,000
computers in top universities, research centers and military
installations.  We're just lucky our computer wasn't affected."
 I grabbed a nose tissue and pulled myself into bed.  "The only
thing you've stored on it [our computer] are our appliance serial
numbers."
 "Can you imagine," he said, "what would happen if they [the serial
numbers] were floating out there for the world to see?  Or worse, if
they were erased?"
 Computers always act like they're sick to me.  They're always
making those whining sounds and no one wants to admit that a computer
made a mistake.
 I remember a letter I got from a woman who wrote that more than
two years ago, her daughter went to the bank to close her account and
wrote out a withdrawal slip for $99.  The teller gave her $999.  Her
daughter said she'd love to take it, but she had only $99 in her
account.  The teller said someone must have deposited it for her.  THE
COMPUTER NEVER MAKES A MISTAKE, she said.  The girl spent six months
trying to give the money back to the bank.  They refused to take it. 
Her daughter had her teeth fixed and the teeth of her two boys because
"computers don't make mistakes."
 Frankly, I never took computers too seriously.  I figured they
were a fad, like the Hula Hoop and the Pet Rock, until one day in
Filene's basement in Boston.  The lights dimmed out and there was
silence.  All the computers had gone out.  Have you any idea what it's
like to be in a store full of crazed shoppers with money and bargains,
and the computers won't permit you to buy anything?  It was an ugly
sight.
 The point is, the computers are well again.  I'm still tired and
have a cough hanging on.  They'll find a cure for the common cold --
WHEN A COMPUTER HAS ONE.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE DARK SUCKERS
  
 For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light, they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. The
dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass
heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
 The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck
dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.
There is much less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The
larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark
suckers in a parking lot have a muck greater capacity than the ones in
this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once
they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the
black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker.
A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first
use, the wick turns black,  representing all of the dark which has been
sucked into it. If you hold a  pencil next to the wick of an operating
candle, the tip will turn black  because it got in the way of the dark
flowing into the candle.  Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers
have a very limited range.  There are also portable dark suckers. The
bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be
aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it
must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can
operate again.
 Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating
dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a
great amount of heat, thus it can be very dangerous to touch an
operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim just
below the surface of a lake, you see a lot of light. If you slowly swim
deeper and deeper, you notice it getting slowly darker and darker. When
you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total
darkness. This is because the heavier dark  sinks to the bottom of the
lake and the lighter light floats to the top.  The immense power of
dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that
has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which
generates electricity and helps push the dark to the ocean, where it
may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much  more difficult to
get the dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The indians
recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a
canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they
paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark; but when they
travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly, so as to help
push the  dark along its way.
 Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you
were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet,
then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter
the closet; but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the
dark leave the closet.
 In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all of
our lives much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb,
remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
 The three basic tenets of the dark sucker theory are that (1)
Lamps do not emit light, they suck dark; (2) Dark has mass heavier
than light; and (3) dark is faster than light. Among the corollaries
not discussed in that paper are the following  facts:  Dark is colder
than light, dark has almost infinite mass, and dark is extremely
corrosive.
 Dark is colder than light.  While it has been generally theorized 
that refrigeration operates on the principle of expanding and
contracting gases, in actuality refrigerators simply suck tiny amounts
of dark from the surrounding atmosphere and inject it into the inside
of the refrigeration compartment.  This process is halted whenever the
door is opened and all the dark is immediately sucked out of the
refrigerator.  For this reason it is wasteful of energy to open the
door of a refrigerator  too often.
 Dark has almost infinite mass.  Although dark suckers have been 
in operation for nearly a century now, there remains as much dark as
there was when their operation first started.  When a dark sucker
ceases to operate, the room fills up immediately with dark again. 
Stroboscopic photography has proven that the process of dark refilling
a room occurs much faster than the process of dark being sucked out of
a room.  (This is why it is believed that dark travels faster than
light).
 The corrosive nature of dark has been known for some time, but  it
has only recently received scientific study.  Research indicates that
although dark has one the highest corrosive pensions known to man, it
must chemically react with the element being corroded in order to
produce its effect.  By far the best catalyst for this process is fire. 
When a wooden log is mixed with fire, it begins to suck dark. Friction
from this process generates heat which makes it very dangerous  to
touch the fire.  In fact if one gets to close to an object which is
sucking dark, he himself can become a sucker.  Many have speculated
that it is the fire itself which produces heat, but that can be easily
refuted by observing an operating soldering iron.  Although it produces
heat, it does not have fire anywhere near it.  Therefore, fire does not
produce heat.
 As the wooden log begins to chemically react with the dark it  is
sucking, it soon begins to have the same color as dark.  In addition to
this, the dark will begin to actively corrode the log.  When the log is
full of dark, it will be completely black with dark and will be heavily
corroded.  The fire, lacking the ability to infuse more dark into the
log, will give up.  One will observe, however, that the remains of the
log/dark reaction will continue to emit heat for quite a while after
the fire has gone.  Yet more proof that fire does not generate heat.
 It is hoped that this information will prove valuable to mankind 
as he attempts to harness the potential stored in dark.
  G. McConnel
  Chief Technician
  Bell Labs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     "WHEN THINGS GO WRONG"  
  
  When things go wrong, as they usually will,  
  and your daily road seems all uphill,  
  when funds are low and debts are high,  
  when you try to smile, but can only cry,  
  and you really feel you'd like to quit,  
  don't run to me because I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    My early life #326

 When I was younger, about 15, my mother decided that I needed some
"seasoning."  She was the manager of a large office, one with about 50
typists.  She decided that it would be good for me to work in her
office for a summer to get some real-world experience.
 As young as I was, I was the lowest of the low in the office
hierarchy. I ran errands, got coffee, and in general did all the work
that no one else wanted to do.  One of my most important jobs was
keeping track of the balls for the many ibm typewriters in the office. 
You know the kind I mean.  Those little round balls with all the
letters all over them that the typists used in their machines.
 In this office was a large number of beautiful young women.  Then,
even as I was only 15, I had quite good success with women,
particularly "older" ladies in their early 20's or so.  So naturally I
tried to take advantage of this success as I gave the typists their
typewriter elements.  I tried oh so hard to get some of these women to
go out with me, but every time I asked, they would ignore me.  I spent
weeks passing out courier-10 and italic-12 element balls, being ever so
nice to the ladies in the hopes that one of them would finally agree to
go out with me.
 Finally, I became frustrated.  I went to my mom's senior
assistant, a man about 40 and asked what he thought the problem was. I
explained that I'd never had this problem before and that I was getting
upset with my lack of success.  He looked at me incredulously and said,
"don't you understand?  They can't go out with you.  You're taboo, the
element boy..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ELECTRICITY / Author Unknown

 Today's scientific question is:  What in the world is electricity? 
And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important
electrical lesson:  On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet,
then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental
fillings.  Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried
out in pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful
force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn
an important electrical lesson.

 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you
scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons," which are very
small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they
will attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit.

 AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:  If you scuffed your feet long enough
without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that
your finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless
you have carpeting.

 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights,
radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not
have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no
place to plug them in.  Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a
serious electrical shock.  This proved that lightning was powered by
the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so
severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such
as, "A penny saved is a penny earned."  Eventually he had to be given a
job running the post office.

 After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have
become part of our electrical terminology:  Myron Volt, Mary Louise
Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many
important electrical experiments.  Among them, Galvani discovered (this
is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the
leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg
kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was
dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field
of amphibian medicine.  Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a
frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal
in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- almost.

 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison,
who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in
1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousand of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he
invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit:  the electric company
sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets
the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again.

 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same
batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught,
since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity
closely.  In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was
1937.

 Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like
Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For
example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an
electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000
yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate
operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the
power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The Grasshopper

 Little Johnny was asked by his school teacher to write a report
about a "scientific experiment" he could perform and tell his fellow
students about. 
 Little Johnny was in a real quandary about what sort of
"experiment" he could write and tell about.  Then, as he was walking
home from school he spotted his "experiment" -- a grasshopper. 
 Little Johnny walked over to the grasshopper, but the grasshopper
was just sitting still, quietly, minding his own business.  Little
Johnny ordered, "Jump!"
 The grasshopper jumped 35 feet! ... and Little Johnny wrote down
some notes, "Grasshopper jumped 35 feet ... with BOTH legs." 
 Then Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper, tore off one of
his legs, and ordered "Jump!" 
 The grasshopper still managed to jump 25 feet (with ONLY one leg)
... and Little Johnny wrote more notes, "Grasshopper jumped 25 feet
with ONE leg." 
 So, Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper again, and tore off
his other leg, and again ordered, "Jump!" 
 The grasshopper just sat there.  Little Johnny again ordered,
"Jump!" And, of course, the grasshopper just sat there. 
 Little Johnny wrote in his notes, "When you tear BOTH legs off a
grasshopper they go DEAF." 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDIAN AFFAIRS

 An agent from the bureau of Indian Affairs was sent west to
negotiate a treaty with a tribe that had, until then, been fierce
warriors and had even managed to win a few battles.
 Under the impression that he had to make a forceful and
ceremonious entrance, the agent commanded a cavalry troop to accompany
him into the indian village.  So, there he was, sitting on his big
black stallion, decked out in his finest suit, riding in the midst of
this cavalry troop, into the middle of the village, when all of a
sudden this very old, wrinkled Indian gave a familiar gesture with the
middle finger of his clenched fist extended.  Then, he turned the same
gesture sideways.
 The agent whispered to the sergeant "Look, I know what the first
one meant, but what was that second gesture?"
  "Means he isn't too crazy about the horse you rode in on, either,
sir..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOKUBEI MAINICH  11/16/85
"An Emotional, Female Computer" by Jun Misawa

 Get ready for a date, R2-D2.  Japanese researchers are close to a
computer "woman" that understands human emotions and expresses its own,
a major breakthrough in software technology.
 Hokkaido University scientist led by Masanao Toda, professor of
social psychology, are developing software that elicits emotional
responses from a computer.  After more than two years of work, they
recently successfully ran a new "emotion program" written in an
original language.  A basic language for programming emotions had been
the team's greatest stumbling block.
 Professor Toda's objective is to "develop a computer model of an
intelligent, sensitive human personality that can carry on ordinary
conversations with people."
 The research began in 1983 on a five-year research grant from the
Ministry of Education.  Professor Toda's artificial personality, design
to be a typical female college student, is nicknamed Nene (pronounced
Neyney).
 In the first year, the group purchased hardware, including a U.S.
manufactured super-minicomputer to function as Nene's brain. It is
capable of making inferences, based on emotion theory converted into
formulas.  In 1984, the project team established principles for
programming emotional responses.
 The program tries to classify a portion of a typical female
college student's knowledge into categories according to psychological
rules.  The categories include people (friends and movie stars),
marriage, employment and health.
 The biggest hurdle was the lack of an appropriate computer
language with which to describe the data.  This problem was solved
under the leadership of Assistant Professor Yuichiro Anzai, an
authority on cognition, who joined the group in April.  The artificial
language was named Ophelia.
 Using Ophelia, the Toda team wrote a program on health for Nene. 
The results lived up to expectations.
 When the statement "A has been injured" was fed in, for example,
if A was a person important to Nene or a good friend of her
conversation partner (the operator), she expressed concern.  She asked,
"Is he/she all right?"  And she followed up with a request for further
information, "How bad is he/she?"
  But if Nene did not like A and the partner was also indifferent
to A's fate, Nene made nasty comments like, "Serves him/her right."
 Dr. Masao Ito, professor of physiology at the University of
Tokyo's medical school, an expert on computers and the human brain,
said: "Basic human emotions are biological.  Profess r Toda's research
shows that the computer is capable of making such responses.  But human
beings also have sophisticated feelings about truth, goodness and
beauty, which are presently beyond the scope of the machine."
 Although Nene's personality is uncomplicated, it includes the
emotions of a typical female college student.  Communication with  Nene
is through a keyboard, but she projects 30 different responses on the
display screen.
 Encouraged by the success of the first experiment, Professor Toda
plans to complete by March 1986 a test-model Nene 1, incorporating the
minimum knowledge required to react emotionally.
 Nene 1 will be able to respond to compliments like, "You're
beautiful," by saying, "That makes me happy."  A disparaging remark
will evoke anger or sorrow.  By 1987, Nene is scheduled to have
emotions such as anxiety, pride, love, and the complex feelings of
dependency/indulgence that permeate close interpersonal relationships
in Japan.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW BIG
 
 A white guy wanted to prove to his girlfriend that he wasn't a
wimp.  So he walks into a tattoo parlour (very drunk) and says "I want
you to tattoo my dick!" "Well what do you want on it ?", asks the
artist.
 "Put it's name on it! 'jolly'"  So he gets 'jolly' tattooed on his
prick.  As he leaves, though he says, "What'll it say when it isn't
hard?"
 "It'll just say JY" says the artist.  several years later the man
goes to Jamaica on vacation.  While on the nude beach, he notices a
black man who's prick also says "JY"....  "Hey !  Look at that! we
match!  What does yours say when it's  'unfurled?'  Mine says "jolly".
 To which the black man responds "Mine say ' Jamaica welcomes you!
Have a nice day"
 Now that is big!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE RASH

The Scene:  Occupied France during WWII.

 The arrogant Nazi Lt. hits on a blond, blue-eyed French girl,
takes her home, and the next morning, as he fixes his tunic he eyes her
via the mirror as she reclines in bed behind him.
 "My dear," he says, "in nine months you shall have a proper blond,
blue-eyed Aryan child.  You may call him Friedreich."
 "That's very sweet," she replies.  "In two weeks you shall have a
rash.  You may call it measles. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Help Me
 
 A Polish person was vacationing on the Riviera.  He was truly
overwhelmed by all the beautiful ladies on the beach, but, try as he
might, he couldn't even get one to look at him.
 In desperation, he went over to a frenchman who was surrounded by
the ladies and asked his advice.
 "I'll tell you what you do." said the frenchie, "Go out and buy
the skimpiest bikini bathing suit you can find and put it on.  Then
walk up and down the beach, The ladies will flock to you".
 The Polish gentleman followed his advice to a tee, went out and
bought next to nothing briefs, put them on, walked up and down the
beach... Still No Ladies.
 He returned to the frenchman and told him, "OK, now go buy a
potato, and put it down in your bathing suit, then walk up and down the
beach.  The Ladies will not be able to resist."
 Once again, the man from poland followed his advice, but to no
avail.  So he returned to the frenchman.  The frenchman looks at him
and says......
 "Now move the Potato to the FRONT"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MAN, BYTES, DOG

 Many people have asked me about the Cairn Terrier. How about
memory, they want to know.  Is it IBM-compatible?  Why didn't I get the
IBM itself, or a Kaypro, Compaq, or Macintosh?  I think the best way to
answer these questions  is to look at the Macintosh and the Cairn head
on. I almost  did buy the Macintosh. It has terrific graphics, good
word processing capabilities, and the mouse. But in the end I decided
on the Cairn, and I think I made the right decision. 

Let's start out with the basics: 

MACINTOSH: 
 Weight (without printer): 20 lbs.
 Memory (RAM): 128 K 
 Price (with printer): $3,090

CAIRN TERRIER: 
 Weight (without printer): 14 lbs.
 Memory (RAM): Some
 Price (without printer): $250

 Just on the basis of price and weight, the choice is obvious.
Another plus is that the Cairn Terrier comes in  one unit. No printer
is necessary, or useful.  And - this was a big attraction to me - there
is no user's manual.

 Here are some of the other qualities I found put the Cairn out
ahead of the Macintosh: 

PORTABILITY:  To give you a better idea  of size, Toto in THE WIZARD
OF OZ was a Cairn Terrier. So you can see that if the young Judy
Garland was able to carry Toto around in that little picnic basket, you
will have no trouble at all moving your Cairn from place to place. For
short trips it will move under its own power. The Macintosh will not.

RELIABILITY:  In five to ten years, I am sure, the Macintosh will be
superseded by a new model, like the Delicious or the Granny Smith. The
Cairn Terrier, on the other hand, has held its share of the market with
only minor  modifications for hundreds of years. In the short term,
Cairns seldom need servicing, apart from shots and the odd worming, and
most function without interruption during electrical storms.

COMPATIBILITY:  Cairn Terriers get along with everyone.  And for
communications with any other dog, of any breed, within a radius of
three  miles, no additional hardware  is necessary. All dogs share a
common operating system.

SOFTWARE:  The Cairn will run three standard programs, SIT, COME, and
NO, and whatever else you create. It is true that, being microcanine,
the Cairn is limited here, but it does  load the programs
instantaneously. No disk drives. No tapes.

 Admittedly, these are peripheral advantages. The real comparison
has to be on the basis of capabilities. What can the Macintosh and the
Cairn do?  Let's start on the Macintosh's turf -- income-tax
preparation, recipe storage, graphics, and astrophysics problems: 

            Taxes   Recipes   Graphics   Astrophysics
            -----   -------   --------   ------------
 Macintosh   Yes     Yes       Yes        Yes
 Cairn       No      No        No         No
 At  first glance it looks bad for the Cairn.  But it's important
to look beneath the surface with this kind of  chart. If you yourself
are leaning toward the Macintosh, ask yourself these questions: Do you
want to do your own income taxes? Do you want to type all your recipes
into a computer?  In your graph, what would you put on the x axis? The
y axis?  Do you have any astrophysics problems you want solved?

 Then consider the Cairn's specialties: playing fetch and
tug-of-war, licking your face, and chasing foxes out of rock cairns
(eponymously). Note that no software is necessary.  All these functions
are part of the operating system: 

       Fetch   Tug-of-War   Face   Foxes
       -----   ----------   ----   -----
 Cairn  Yes  Yes  Yes  Yes
 Macintosh  No  No  No  No

 Another point to keep in mind is that computers, even the
Macintosh, only do what you tell them to do. Cairns perform their
functions all on their own. Here are some of  the additional
capabilities that I discovered, once I got the Cairn home and
housebroken: 

WORD PROCESSING:  Remarkably, the Cairn seems to understand every word
I say. He has a nice way of pricking up his ears at words like "out" or
"ball."  He also has highly tuned voice recognition.

EDUCATION:  The cairn provides children with hands-on experience at an
early  age, contributing to social interaction, crawling ability, and
language  skills. At age one, my daughter could say "Sit," "Come," and
"No."

CLEANING:  This function was a pleasant surprise.  But of course
cleaning up around the cave is one of the reasons dogs were developed
in the first place. Users with young (below age two) children will
still find this function useful. The Cairn Terrier cleans the floor,
spoons, bib, and baby, and has an unerring ability to distinguish
strained peas from ears, nose, and fingers.

PSYCHOTHERAPY:  Here the Cairn really shines. And remember, therapy is
something that computers have tried. There is a program that makes the
computer ask you questions when you tell it your problems. You say,
"I'm afraid of foxes."  The computer says, "You're afraid of foxes?"

 The Cairn won't give you that kind of echo. Like Freudian
analysts, Cairns are mercifully silent; unlike  Freudians, they are
infinitely sympathetic. I've found that the Cairn will share, in a
non-judgmental fashion, disappointments, joys, and frustrations. And
you don't have to know BASIC.

 This last capability is related to the Cairn's strongest point,
which was the final deciding factor in my decision against the
Macintosh -- user-friendliness.  On this criterion, there is simply no
comparison. The Cairn Terrier is the essence of user-friendliness. It
has fur, it doesn't flicker when you look at it, and it wags its tail.

James Gorman
THE NEW YORKER
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE FALL OF MAN 

 Late in the sixth day of creation, Woman called Man at work and
begged him to come home, as dinner was getting cold.  Man  grudgingly
consented, but brought home with him a copy of the system documentation
to study. After dinner, Woman cooed some  suggestive little sighs and
slipped incitingly into bed.  Man followed, but - being beat after a
hard day at the office - fell straight to sleep.  
      * * * 
 Woman had an indescribable inner feeling that this was not how
things should be on their first night in bed (or in existence, for that
matter), and disdainfully flung Man's notebook from the night stand. 
The book fell open to an important-looking page marked WARNING in bold
red letters. Now, Woman was possessed of insatiable curiosity. God - we 
must assume - been entirely familiar with contemporary Greek  writings
on the subject, particularly with the escapades of a  wayward feminist
named Pandora. At any rate, Woman picked up  the book, and read: 
      *** W A R N I N G *** 
 You I have created to maintain application programs and to
operate my beloved IBM. You may partake of my utilities, my fortran,
my files and tapes and flow charts. But with my operating system thou
shalt not tamper, for to the user it giveth unlimited master mode
powers...  
      * * * 
 Woman - being as greedy an she was beautiful- immediately woke
Man. She derided him for his sheepishness, for his lack of initiative,
for his cowering before a silly machine. She filled his mind with
thoughts of power and greed, and instilled in the resolve to win for
himself all the privileges of the operating system. Besides, reasoned
Woman, as boss Man won't come home dead tired, and might be worth
something after dinner...  
      * * * 
 So Man returned the next day, intent on breaching the operating
system. He needled, he patched, he disguised clever  little traps in
his programs which - for tantalizingly brief  periods of time - slipped
into master mode. By the end of the seventh day Man was so close to
mastering the operating system that he didn't go home till very late.  
      * * * 
 So pleased was he - that the coming day would reward him  with
total control of God's own operating system - that he whistled all the
way home, and when he got there, he snuck into the bedroom and gave
Woman pleasant surprise...  
      * * * 
 Early on the eighth day, Man did it. God was on the terminal
early, playing blackjack with his computer. So Man  was able to submit
his carefully-prepared batch job without being noticed. The system
burped, God's terminal blinked once, but then all was normal. Man's
heart leapt. It was his operating  system now, not God's. For a moment
he stood stunned with the impact of his move. Then, with the
self-assurance that only novice programmers can truly understand, he
hit the attention key. His hands trembling with excitement, he began to
DELETE G-O-D.  Bingo!!! 
      * * * 
 Just as he was about to hit the carriage return - and with the
system $500 ahead in God's blackjack game (God holding 20 for a
thousand dollar pot) - the system crashed.  
      * * * 
 God was furious. YOU IGNORED MY WARNING, said he to Man,  as Woman
wailed pathetically that she had nothing to do with it. YOU VIOLATED MY
BELOVED SYSTEM, AND DARED THINK THAT YOU COULD BECOME AS ONE WITH GOD. 

      * * * 
 He waved Man disdainfully from his sight. He then reached into his
IBM, took a handful of core, mutilated it a little, and flung it after
Man. GO said he to the slice of  core, AND MULTIPLY INTO A HOST OF
INFERIOR SYSTEMS, EACH MORE  PROSTITUTED AND GLITCH-FILLED THAN THE
LAST. AND IF MAN'S TIME IS WASTED DEBUGGING INFERIOR SYSTEMS I WON'T BE
BOTHERED  BY HIM.  
      * * * 
 And that - according to the book of byte - is why the world
consists of two types of computers: IBM, and all the rest. And so it is
that certain individuals are born to serve  God's favorite IBM, while
others are condemned to suffer the  damnation of amateur OTHER computer
companies. But if you're  very good, and if you're honest and
trustworthy and like to work twenty hours a day without material
reward, then you may  well hope that one day you will be selected to
move up through Univac, to Burroughs, to Honeywell, to Xerox, to that 
great system in the sky whose initials inspire men to this very day -
IBM. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MENTAL GIANT

Dear Son,
 I am writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.  We don't
live where we did when you left.  Your dad read in the newspaper where
most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved.  I
won't be able to send you the address as the last Indiana family that
lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they
wouldn't have to change their address.
 This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts
in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen'em since.  It only rained
twice last week, three days the first time and four the second.
 The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be
a little to heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we
cut them off and put them in the pockets.
 We got the bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the
last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes.  And sure "nuff they
delivered her yesterday.  She only changed a little.
 About your father - he has a lovely new job.  He has over 500 men
and women under him.  He is cutting grass at the cemetery.
 About your sister - she had a baby this morning.  I haven't found
out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt
or an uncle.
 Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off playfully so he drowned.  We cremated
him, he burned for three days.
 Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, One was
driving, the other two were in the back.  the driver got out.  He
rolled down the window and swam to safety.  The other two drowned. 
They couldn't get the tailgate down.
 Not much more news this time, nothing much has happened.  Write
more often.

Love, MOM

PS. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** MR. MICRO MEETS MS. MINI! *** 

 Micro was a real time operator and a dedicated multiuser.  His
broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous
input/output devices, even if it did mean timesharing. His links with
authors and editors connected him with many of Silicon Valley's expert
systems and artificial intelligentsia. 
 One evening, just as the sun was crashing, he arrived home and
parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus
that morning) and noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the
daisy wheels in his garden.  "She looks user-friendly.  I'll see if
she'd like an update tonight" he thought to himself. 
 He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin,
32-bit floating point processors.  Even her params were parsed!  He
hadn't seen structured lines like this since his prom.  "How are you,
Honeywell?" he asked. 
 "Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers
engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions. 
 Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes
like COBOL and a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's
peripherals networking all over.  Fears of becoming a Unix were soon
fading like vaporware. 
 Micro settled for the straight line approximation.  "I'm
stand-alone tonight, and looking for an assembly," he said. "How about
computing a vector to my base address.  I'll output a byte to eat, and
we could get offset later on." 
 Mini ran her priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then 
transmitted:  "8K, I've been dumped myself recently and a new page is
just what I need to refresh my discs.  I'll park my machine cycle in
your background and meet you inside."  She walked off leaving Micro
admiring her solenoids.  "Wow! What a global variable!  I wonder if
she'll like my firmware?" Micro thought. 
 That night they sat down at the process table for a form feed of
fiche and chips and a bucket of Baudot.  Mini was in a conversational
mode and expanded on ambiguous argument while Micro gave occasional
acknowledgments, although in reality he was analyzing the shortest and
least critical path to her entry point.  He finally settled on the old
'Would you like to see my benchmark subroutine. 
 But Mini was one step ahead.  She was suddenly up and stripping
off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating
system software!! 
 "Let's get BASIC, you RAM, and go for some downtime on the spread
sheets, " she panted.  Micro was loaded by this stage;  he was afraid
his software wouldn't respond. Fortunately, his hardware policing
module had a processor of it's own and soon was in danger of
overflowing it's output buffer - a hang-up that Micro had recently
consulted his analyst about.  "Core!" was all he could say. 
 Micro soon recovered, however, and Mini went down on the DEC and
opened her device files to reveal her data set ready.  His floppy soon
was coming up to speed.  He accessed his fully packed root  device and
was just about to start pushing into her stack when she executed an
escape sequence by popping back to Level 1. 
 "Oh, no!" she piped.  "You're not shielded!" 
 "Reset, baby," he replied.  "I've been debugged." 
 "I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I'm not ready to
support child processes," she protested.  "That would make me mother
bored!" 
 "Don't run away," he said.  "I'll generate an interrupt." 
 "No way!  That's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my
design philosophy." 

 Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned
off.  She soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike
into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went
to sleep. 
 "Computers," she thought as she compiled herself at the 
asynch.  "All they ever think about is hex." 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAVAGED!!!

The phone rang in a Sacramento police station.
 "Hello?" asked the desk sergeant.
 "This is Susie Wright," said a voice. "I've been attacked and
sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my home!"
 "What happened, ma'am?" asked the police officer.
 "The man came in the window.  I was lying on the bed.  When I
tried to scream, he put his hand over my mouth.  He held a knife to my
throat and undressed quickly.  He was a big, hairy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than me, and hung like -- Oh! It was terrible.
 He had an erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and jammed that
awful thing down my throat.  He forced me to perform fellatio on him.
 "And he kept using obscene language.  Finally, he turned me over
on my stomach, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and he put that
huge thing ... -- it must have been twelve inches long, and I don't
know how thick!"
 "Ok ma'am, I'll send a man over to take a report and we'll get
right on the case" the officer replied.
 "Report?" the voice said, "ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS FIND ME HIS
PHONE NUMBER!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     RETIREMENT

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when of its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full-time job,
Just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

As my old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Saga of Polly Nominal 
 Once upon a time (1/T) pretty little Polly nominal was strolling
across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly
large matrix. 
 Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute
condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets
on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was
feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the
grounds that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the
complex elements. 
 Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides.  Tangents approached
her surface.  She became tensor and tensor!  Quite suddenly, three
branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point.  She oscillated
violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. 
As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root which
was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. 
When she was differentiated once more she found herself, apparently
alone, in a non-euclidean space. 
 She was being watched, however.  That smooth operator, Curly Pi,
was lurking inner product.  As his eyes devoured her curvilinear
coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face.  Was she still
convergent, he wondered?  He decided to integrate improperly at once. 
 Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned round and saw
Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated.  She could see
at once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, that he was
bent on no good.
 "Eureka," she gasped. 
 "Ho, ho," he said.  "What's a symmetric little Polynomial you are. 
I can see you're bubbling over with secs!" 
 "O Sir," she protested, "keep away from me.  I haven't got my
brackets on."   "Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. 
"Your fears are purely imaginary." 
 "I -- I," she said, but to herself thought, "perhaps he's
homogenous then."
 "What order are you," the brute demanded. 
 "Seventeen," replied young Polly. 
 Curly leered.  "I suppose you've never been operated on?" 
 "Of course not," Polly cried indignantly.  "I'm absolutely
convergent!" 
 "Come, come," said Curly.  "Let's go off to a decimal place I know
and I'll take you to the limit." 
 "Never," gasped Polly. 
 "Exchlf," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew.  His patience
was gone.  Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was
powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities.  He stared at her
significant places and began smoothing her points of inflexion.  Poor
Polln! All was up.  She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. 
Her convergence would soon be gone forever. 
 There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. He
integrated by parts.  He integrated by partial fractions. The complex
beast even went all the way around and did a counter integration. What
an indignity!  To be multiply connected on her first integration! 
Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely
orthogonal. 
 When Polly got home that evening, her mother noticed that she had
been truncated in several places.  But it was now too late to
differentiate. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. 
Finally she generated a small but pathological function which left
surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction. 
 The moral of my sad story is this:  If you want to keep your
expressions convergent, never, but NEVER allow them so much as a single
degree of freedom.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  From THE PROCRASTINATOR'S PERPETUAL PLANNER...

 A procrastinator is never bothered by the little things that
plague the rest of us -- he always waits until they grow into big
things.
 The Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done
thoroughly.  -- Confucius

 Some things have to be put off time and time again... before they
completely slip your mind.
 If you're there before it's over, you're on time. -- James J.
Walker

 Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save
some of it for tomorrow. -- Don Herold

 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Charlie
McCarthy

 I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for
hours. -- Jerome K. Jerome

 One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.
-- Vincent T. Foss

 Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do. --
Oscar Wilde

 Anyone can do any amount of work... provided it isn't the work he
is supposed to be doing at that moment.  -- Robert Benchley

 The  world  is full of willing people; some willing to work, the
rest willing to let them.  --  Robert Frost

 The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in
the morning you're on the job.  --  Slappy White
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SEX LIFE OF THE ELECTRON 
by D.C. Current
   One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
seek a cute little coil to let him discharge. 
  He picked up Millie-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.
They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine waves and 
stopped in the magnetic field by a flowing current. 
  Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amps characteristic curves, soon
had her fully charged and excited her resistance to a minimum. He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her
reluctance. 
  He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket
connecting them in parallel, and began short circuiting her resistance
shunt. Fully excited, Millie-Amp mumbled, "OHM - OHM - OHM - OHM". 
  With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
his current flow, caused her shunt to overheat and Micro-Farad was
rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. 
  They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets,
until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of it's field strength. 
  Afterwards, Millie-Amp tried self induction and damaged her
solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing
polarity and blowing each other's fuses. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SLOT MACHINES

Has it given anyone any thought that slot machines are like people?
 
Some have large slits, some have small slits.
Some have large melons, some have small melons.
Some have large bananas, some have small bananas.
Some have cherries, few have no cherries.
Some have long handles, some have short handles.
The ones with large bananas attract women.
The ones with small slits attract men.
Few give more than they receive.
Some wait it to the right person, some give it at will.
Some are computer literate, most are not.
Women like the older, well used ones.
Men like the younger, more fascinating ones.
They all get abused at one time or another.
Some get a lot of attention, some are get very little.
Some don't tell you they're broke.
Some lead you to believe they're rich.
Some work harder than others.
Some make more money than others.
Some get it more than others.
Some will mislead and take everything you have.
None will let you know that it can't take any more.

The thing I envy the most about slot machines is that they get it
without ever having to ask!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Smart Dog

 A man and his boss went pheasant hunting.  The man took his
hunting dog. While they were out there the man turned to his boss and
said "Watch this!" He looked at his dog and said "Go boy".  The dog
vanished and returned 5 minutes later, scraped his paw 3 times on the
ground, then 3 pheasants flew overhead.  The men shot the 3 birds down.

 The boss exclaimed "WOW". The man sent his dog out again, "Go
boy", the dog vanished, returning 10 minutes later and scraped his paw
on the ground 6 times.  Seconds later 6 pheasants flew overhead, and
the men shot them down.  The boss said, "WOW, That's a great dog, can I
buy him from you for $1,000?" The man agreed.  
 The next week, the boss went hunting with some different friends.
He told the do "Go boy", and the dog was gone for 45 minutes.  When the
dog returned, he had a stick in his mouth and he started humping the
boss's leg. The boss was embarrassed but gave the dog one more chance. 

 He said to the dog "Go boy", the dog left and was gone for 1 1/2
hours. He had a stick in his mouth and started to hump the bosses leg
again. The boss once again was embarrassed.  
 The following day he went to the man who sold him the dog to get
his money back. He told the man "Your dog doesn't work, I want my money
back." The man asked what had happened, and the boss related the story
of the previous day. The man replied, "Oh, He was just trying to tell
you that there were more pheasants than you can shake a fucking stick
at."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR SALES PERSONNEL
SALESPERSONS EVALUATION FORM:
NAME: _____________________________ DATE: __________

 This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
and sales personnel to various situations.  The situations are based on
actual case studies from a well known educational institution and
represent a cross section of test data correlated to evaluate both
reaction time to difficult situations as well as the soundness of each
decision selected.

 There are 8 multiple choice questions. Read each question
thoroughly. Place an "X" by the answer you feel is most correctly
justified by the circumstance given.  Be prepared to justify your
decision.  You have 4 minutes.

NOTE:  DO NOT START UNTIL TOLD TO DO SO!

1.    You have prepared a proposal for the regional director of
purchasing for your largest customer.  The success of this presentation
will mean increasing your sales to his company by 200%.  In the middle
of your proposal the customer leans over to look at your report and
spits into your coffee.  You:
  a)    Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
  b)    Ask to have him checked for any communicable
    diseases.
  c)    Take a leak in his "out" basket.

2.    You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking about
what could be your biggest sale of the year.  During the conversation a
blond walks into the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your
companion's attention to her and give a vivid description of what you
would do if you had her alone in your motel.  She walks over to the
table and introduces herself as your client's daughter.  Your next move
is to:
  a)    Ask for her hand in marriage.
  b)    Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
  c)    Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for 
    the best.

3.    You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate
executives in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The hot enchilada
casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a
severe pressure.  Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind
in a most convincing manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a
secretary to pass out.  What you should do next is:
  a)    Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
  b)    Point out their chief executive and accuse him of the  
    offense.
  c)    Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

4.    You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with
an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Remembering this is a
definite No-No, you:
  a)    Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one 
    fluid motion, bury your finger in your nostril right up to 
    the 4th knuckle.
  b)    Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with 
    a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
  c)    Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to
    pick it, blow your nose on your sock.

5.    You've just spent the evening with a supplier who invited you to
an all night boiler-maker drinking party.  You get home just in time to
go to work. You stagger into the bathroom and spend the next half hour
vomiting.  As you're washing up at the sink, the sales training
director walks up, blows cigar smoke in your face, and asks you to join
him for drinks after work. You:
  a)    Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive 
    torrent at the front of his Hart Shaffner & Marx suit.
  b)    Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the fact that  
    he'll never recognize your green face.
  c)    Grasp his hand and pump it till he P's in his pants.
 
6.    You're rn your way to see your best account when your zipper
breaks and you discover that you forgot to put on your underpants that
morning.  You decide to:
  a)    Call on the customer's secretary instead.
  b)    Explain that you were just trolling for queers.
  c)    Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the school playground.

7.    You've just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in
January and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players
live there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
  a)    Ask what position she played.
  b)    Ask if she's still working the streets.
  c)    Pretend you're suffering amnesia and don't remember your 
    own name.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BIRDS AND BEES
 This little boy was getting his birds and bees lesson from dad. 
Dad took him down to the pasture and sat him on the fence post.  He
explained to him as well as he could what happens naturally between men
and women.
 The little boy said he understood that but could he explain it
about cows and bulls.  His father tried, then decided seeing would
explain it better.
 After instructing his so to keep an eye on the bull and his two
cows (one white and one brown), the father went to the house to see who
had driven up.  Not long after the father had arrived at the house the
boy came busting in the back door shouting, "Dad, Dad, the bull fucked
the white cow."  Embarrassed the father took him aside and said, "Son,
never come into the house and say things like that.  The pastor has
come for a visit.  Now, go back down to the pasture and come let me
know when something happens with the brown cow.  But this time say
surprised."
 So back dow to the pasture the boy went.  Half an hour later the
boy came busting in the back door again.  Before he could say anything
the father jumped and said, "don't say it son, I can guess.  The bull
surprised the brown cow didn't he?"
 The boy looked at his father and then at the pastor and said, "He
sure did, Dad.  HE fucked the white one again."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEEN ON VACATION
 The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in
anther city.  When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what!  Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your
bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they
got undressed and got into your bed and then Daddy got on top of her"
 Sonny's mother held up her hand.  "Not another word.  Wait till
your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what
you've just told me."
 The father came home.  As he walked into the house, his wife said, 
"I'm leaving you.  I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."
 "But why----" asked the startled father.
 "Go ahead, Sonny.  Tell Daddy just what you told me."
 "Well, " Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and
Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and
got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did
with Uncle John when Daddy was away last summer." 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHY?

 Have you ever had a hunch that something very special was just
about to happen? That, in fact, it was already happening all around
you.  A special point in time, maybe even one of those jewels around
which the clock of history pivots? I do. I believe that I sense, more
than know, something important just under my nose.
 Let me try to explain why I feel this way.
 For the past twenty or more years I have been a wooden boat
builder.  A kind of fossil not quite ready to give up what other wiser
heads have decided was a lost cause. Even as an anachronism I could
see that a computer might be a big help in my shop. At first my sole
intention was to store the shapes of planks and patterns on a few 8
inch plastic disks so they would stop consuming the remaining space in
my already cramped shop. There was also the ever present red tape of
the constantly growing Coast Guard regulations to keep track of.
 At first I thought I would hire a programmer to write what was
needed for my shop. The store where I plunked down over six thousand 
dollars assured me that this would be no problem. I found to my
dismay, after getting the magic box home, that there were no
programmers that both knew  programming and building wooden boats, too.
The computer store that had been so positive before I spent my money
now didn't seem to have a clue. I was stuck. I would have to learn to
program myself or give up the whole idea. So I rolled up my sleeves and
resolved to learn just enough to solve my dilemma.
 This was clearly a fatal mistake. What started out as simple
practical exorcise rapidly grew out of all proportions. Literally
thousands of hours were consumed reading hundreds of books. A like
amount of time was squandered writing fledgling programs by the ream. 
Until five years later my boat shop, all but forgotten, I found myself
in the business of computers. The usual sort of thing: selling
computers, endless mailing lists and of course doing peoples books.
 Something was missing! Somehow in my fascination for the devices
and more the thinking languages that drive them I had missed the point
of what a computer was really good for. What I was doing might be
useful but hardly creative.
 After a time I got a modem. A modem is a small box one connects
to a computer to make it possible for one computer to talk with
another over the phone. At the same time I bought a subscription to the
SOURCE. The SOURCE is a utility offered by several bright and very
commercial people to get you to use that little box called a modem to
talk over the phone to other bright and very commercial people. They
offer, at a price, information on almost any subject from the stock
market to the news in considerable depth. For example you can get
United Press International raw, unedited and as it happens. There are
as many as five thousand sordid and often bloody stories in a single
sitting.
 At first this seemed pretty nifty. After all wasn't I awfully
well informed now? In time and many dollars later I began to wonder
just how nifty was it? Why should I wade though five thousand new
horrors when the five or so bone chilling tails on the six o'clock news
was more than I could bare already. No, this was definitely not what I
was looking for either.
 Then when I was just about to chuck the little jabbering box as a
very wasted effort and expense not to mention a direct assault to my
sanity and peace of mind I stumbled across a list of owner operated
systems. That is people who make their own computers available as
remote message systems, program and idea exchanges for all who might
care to use  them with out the slightest thought of profit. As I looked
though the list I discovered that there were hundreds of these systems
all over the country. Later I found out that there are thousands all
over the world and growing very, very fast. Something was going on and
I could not resist finding out what it was.
 I  began calling these private systems one by one. The variety
was astonishing. Long distance calls one after another exposed me to
religious system trying to save my soul from hell while other data
bases are used as exchange grounds for those working to avoid the
nuclear hell we all seem unable to avoid. There are systems to help you
find a mate to spend a lifetime with or a date just for fun. Others
are so X rated that you feel like you are eaves dropping on some sort
of electronic Sodom and Gomorrah. There are even a few that I defy
anyone to figure out what they are for. The vast majority are for the
exchange of programs and ideas. All have one thing in common, they are
definitely not commercial. Even the most bazaar follow a kind of
ethic. They are supported by the people who own and program the
computer and their users and that is all.  Everything on these systems
is yours to take.
 I became totally engrossed with what was available for the price
of a phone call. The idea systems, the ones that most fascinate me,
offer from two to seven thousand programs a piece. There are hundreds
and hundreds of such systems functioning like public libraries with the
exception that you get to keep the book or in some cases write it. I
would say that over fifty percent of the programs available are better 
than anything sold commercially. Pride being the unit of exchange here
will allow nothing less. Many of these programs cannot be found
elsewhere at any price. There are some, of course, that are less than
inspired but for the most part they represent the biggest bargain that
exists today. Remember, that it is not the computer that makes it all
worth having but the programs that drive it. The computer is just a box
that make programs possible. In a very real way the computer is a place
that the programmer can haunt. The spirit of his or her ideas literally
infect the computer and often inspire the user.
 Even these bargains are not the real value of such systems. It is
the exchange of ideas, unfiltered by the realities of commerce that is
the real treasure. If you have a computer or are planing to get one
what will you do with it after you get the thing  home? The computer
store where you bought it will not be as excited about helping you with
your problems as they were about getting your money. Even a store that
is well intended cannot give you the kind of time needed to get the
most out of your new tool. These private systems can and in most cases
are eager to help. Even if the systems owner is a grouch one of
his/her users are sure to come to your aid.
 A few months ago I was having trouble with my computer so I called
a system in Saratoga to leave a message  inquiring if anyone knew how
to solve my problem.  About four days later I got my answer. The answer
did not come from Saratoga it came instead from Germany! The message
had gone around the world twice from user to user much like a bee from
flower to flower.  It is this free exchange of ideas that makes the
whole thing so powerful. Powerful is the right word, the only word I
think is appropriate. For the first time in human history it is
possible for people to touch  each others minds around the world with
out the filter of government. There are no leaders here, just thinking 
caring people.
 Consider, that there are two to seven thousand programs  on each
of these hundreds of systems. Each program represents from one week to
six months or more of hard work. Even though most of these programs
could be sold for a considerable profit they were written as gifts to
the world. The computer systems that these programs are stored on must 
be much larger than usual to accommodate such a large number of
programs. The average cost of such a system is about eight thousand
dollars. The people who make these computers available to the public
are rarely rich. Yet to put your computer on line is quite literally to
loose it's use for yourself.  It takes about three months of hard work
to get a system up and running so that everything about it can be given
away. Such a practice is almost unheard of in our routinely selfish
world. Yet the number of systems on line is growing so fast it could
only be called an explosion. I can not even begin to guess where this
is all going but it must mean something!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ASS!!!
It's only human: We need a bit of artificial stupidity!
 As you are probably aware by now, Artificial Intelligence (AI) is
what the computer whizzes are working on. Pretty soon, they say,
computers will be able to learn from their mistakes the way people do. 
Once they have made a mistake, they will absorb it somehow and never
make that particular mistake again.  This is quite different from us
human beings, of course, who keep making the same mistakes over and
over.
 The trouble with developing a machine with Artificial Intelligence
(AI) based on Human Intelligence (HI) is that Human Intelligence (HI)
only accounts for a small part of the progress of our species. It seems
to me that Human Stupidity (HS) also has played a key role.
 Take Christopher Columbus.  On his famous voyages, Columbus had
the wrong idea completely about where he was headed.  When he got here,
he had no idea where he was.  Then, when he got back home, he had no
idea where he had been.  But today, nobody holds this against him.  The
world owes a great debt to Columbus' ignorance.
 Time and time again history has demonstrated the value of Dumb
Luck (DL), but until recently nobody has tried to reproduce DL
electronically.
 There is a young man in Geneva, N.Y., however, Who claims to be
working on a computer that will play chess BADLY.  In a speech last
summer to the Instrument Society of America, Michael Ferris said he
would program the computer with a set of human-style excuses. IDMBH (I
did my best, honest!) and IDKYWIT (I didn't know you wanted it today)
would be standard responses.
 Garbage In, Garbage Out (GIGO) is the oldest maxim in the computer
business.  This was the machine's way of getting off the hook.  If
garbage came out, it could be argued that some dumb human being must
have fed the garbage IN there in the first place.  But if computers can
be designed to include some of our nice, lovable human weaknesses, like
forgetting a name or not remembering where we put the car keys, it
seems to me we and the machine might get along better.
 Not only that, but the computer might stumble on to something
useful, while off on some electronic goose chase.
 Originating its own garbage also might do wonders for the
personality of the computer.  Frankly, one of the things I don't like
about computers right now is their holier than thou attitude.  A little
Artificial Stupidity (AS) would enable the computer to lose an
occasional chess game.  Maybe we could even program it to sulk a
little.
 Ferris is on to something, I believe.  Perhaps the only reason
nobody has pursued so obvious a goal as Artificial Stupidity (AS) is
that there seems to be such an abundant world supply of the real thing.
Ferris should keep at it, though.  Some day a shortage of Human
Stupidity and Stubbornness (HSS) might develop and he will be ready 
with Artificial Stupidity and Stubbornness (ASS) to fill the void.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CREATION

       * * * 
 In the beginning, all was void, with the spirit of God brooding
over the dark vapors. 
       * * * 
 Then God said: LET THERE BE BYTE, and there was byte.  God saw the
byte, and was pleased with it, and divided the byte in bits.  He
created a multitude of similar bytes, all identical in their ethereal
perfection, and all containing zeros, for zeros were all there were.  
       * * * 
 On the second day God toyed with the bytes, and organized them
into groups to which he said: YOU SHALL BE CALLED WORDS, FOR FROM BYTES
YOU CAME AND OF BYTES YOU ARE COMPOSED.  And God saw the words, that
they were good and was pleased.  
       * * * 
 The third day God said (to whom God was talking has never has
never been ascertained or even questioned): I HAVE WORDS, MADE UP OF
BYTES, MADE UP OF BITS, BUT SOMETHING'S MISSING.  
       * * * 
 So God scraped up a lump of clay, squeezed it tightly in  his
mighty hands, and flung it against the sky, where it solidified into a
smoky mass.  God saw the steaming heap, that it was good and said to
it: YOU SHALL BE CALLED HARDWARE, A HOME FOR MY BYTES AND BITS, AND AS
YOU ARE THE VERY FIRST OF YOUR KIND I SHALL CALL YOU CPU.  And God
turned, and with a flick of his wrist spew forth tape drives (FOR YOU
SHALL BE TEMPORARILY A HOME FOR MY WORDS...), stations, whole
teleprocessing installations.  
       * * * 
 And God saw all this sparkling in the heavens, that it  was good
and he was pleased. Having done all this, God rested.  
       * * * 
 On the fourth day, God reviewed all that he had done. He saw his
bits and his bytes statistically on an infinite variety of media.  But
he was not satisfied.  SOMETHING'S MISSING, said he, I NEED TO ANIMATE
MY TREASURED BYTES TO GIVE THEM LIFE. So God leaned back, touched a
soiled  hand to his mighty brow, and with one single, all-powerful
thought set his hardware in motion.  YOU said he to the intangible
breath now coursing through his hardware, I  SHALL CALL SOFTWARE, FOR 
...(so on, and so forth.)  
       * * * 
 And he continued: YOU ARE THE FIRST, THE BEST, THE MOST  PERFECT
AND OMNIPOTENT SOFTWARE.  And God divided the software in many parts,
into utilities, compilers, system libraries and his favorite, most
privileged and beloved operating system.  God was pleased, so he
rested.  
       * * * 
 On the fifth day, God again surveyed all that he had done, and was
filled with joy. He found that with his creation he could determine the
value of pi to ten thousand  digits.  He found that he could produce
flow charts of his beloved operating system, and these he posted by his
throne.  He discovered that he could run off Snoopy calendars, pictures
of Mona Lisa, and witty little computer accounts  of the creation.  And
with a terminal at his throne, he didn't  have to travel halfway to
hell to access his system. 
       * * * 
 He called his creation IMPERATUM BYTAM MAGNAMUS (or IBM for
short).
       * * * 
 But all was not well. God's beloved system was so large,  so
complex, that even the mighty God - maker of heavens and earth (but
that's another story), the builder of cpu and virtual memory, the
author of fortran - even that God was hard- pressed to keep up on how
everything worked.  
       * * * 
 So God said I'LL MAKE ME A MAN. And he did, and to the man he said
YOU SHALL BE CALLED (logically enough) "MAN"  AND TO YOU SHALL FALL THE
RESPONSIBILITY OF MAINTAINING ALL THAT I HAVE DONE. And to keep Man
happy after-hours, God gave him Woman, saying to Man FOR I KNOW THAT
EVEN BYTES GET HUNGRY FOR A LITTLE BIT. And God rested, chuckling at
his own  play  on words.
       * * * 
 On the sixth day, God mounted his throne, logged onto his
terminal, and engaged in a full day of uninterrupted one second
turnaround. He saw all that he had done, that it was good.  He was
pleased that from his first byte he had created such a wonderful and
extensive toy. He created file after file, he performed advanced and
impressive on-line database updates, he wrote a faster and more
extensive fortran compiler, and in general rejoiced in the perfection
of his IBM.
       * * * 
 After a hard day's work on a hot terminal - during which Man was
quietly familiarizing himself with the system documentation  -  God
called it a day (YOU I SHALL CALL DAY... and so forth and so on.) 
       * * * 
 On the seventh day - so tired was he from the week's labors  - 
God slept all day.  What transpired on that crucial seventh day is
recounted in THE FALL OF MAN... 
       *** 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A guy goes into a bar in Texas and engages in a conversation
about Dick size. The first Texan says, mine is 2 inches. The second
says, mine is 3 inches and so on up to 4 inches. The guy from
california says, mine is 8 inches. The Texans all gape and ask how any
woman can take it. He says, oh I figured that was about average, never
had a problem.  Then it comes out the Texans are measuring across the
head instead of along the length!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This Pollack was describing his date to a friend..."And then she
said:  'give me fifteen inches and make it hurt.'  So I fucked her
three times and hit her in the head with a rock."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Two young embalmers were working on a body that had just arrived
that day and when they took his pants off they discovered that he had
the biggest dick that either of them had ever seen.  One of them called
their boss to come and see and the old man said,
 "That's no big deal. I have one like that."
 The young man said, "You mean your dick is as big as that?"
 The old man said, "NO, THAT DEAD!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
METABOLIC FASCISM
or
"Amanda, we're outta Chock Full O' Nuts again!"
by Basil Hosmer
 
 Every programmer has some experience with bodily abuse. Sooner or
later, all of us do things to ourselves we wouldn't admit to Mom. Most
of the time we say we're provoked by circumstances: whether it's the
representative from your client's company - a not pleasant man who
looks a lot like Herman Munster, breathing heavily on your neck - or
some towering, unstoppable endorphin rush that threatens to rip your
medulla out of its socket if you don't code up that monstro algorithm
RIGHT NOW and forget about your wedding. We generally attribute our
protracted binges to some external force.
 This attitude bespeaks a hideous wrong-headedness among
programmers. We seem to get some masochistic pleasure out of responding
to pressure by sitting in front of our machines until our fingernails
are too long to type. Our eyes get varicose veins. We run fingers
through our hair until we get split ends. We drool. Why?
 Because, the deluded among us would answer, we have to. Some
specter is chaining us to our chairs, making strangers of our families,
removing us from the throb of humanity. It's not a pretty job, we sigh
nobly, but someone has to do it. This is, as my sister used to say,
pompous fudge cakes. We do it because we like it.
 In view of this, I submit a philosophy of life which has served me
well for the past couple of years. I call it Metabolic Fascism.
 There are several basic tenets to this philosophy, but one
provides the foundation for the rest: You Are At War With Your Body.
 Picture a table. A lobbyist for your brain sits on one side, a
lobbyist for your body on the other. They are pushing their respective
interests as you go through your life. In a democratic regime, one
might overhear something like this during a normal day:

BODY: Nothing like a good, hearty breakfast to kick-start the day.
BRAIN: Yeah...I feel some serious creativity coming on. It's gonna be a
banner day for original thought. Can we arrange a little rush from a
relevant gland to start things off?
BODY: Why, sure. [Drains a mug of java...] There we go.
BRAIN: Thanks.  [Some eight hours later.]
BODY: Okay, it's about time to wind things down.
BRAIN: But...
BODY: C'mon, it'll be better in the morning if we quit now.
BRAIN: Aw, okay.  [After some interval, sleep, then repeat cycle.]

 Now, this has its obvious advantages. Brain and body maintain a
working camaraderie, the cycle of ups and downs is never too extreme or
debilitating, and the productivity of the two working in tandem is
fairly consistent and predictable.
 On the other hand, come the day when Herman Munster is breathing
down your neck, you might HAVE to trash that comfy little system for
something a little more, well, authoritarian. My solution is simple:
metabolic fascism. Not when you have to crank it out, but ALL the time.
To wit:

BODY: Not coffee AGAIN.
BRAIN: You don't want it, throw it up. But don't bother me. Have some
dessert.
BODY: Lucky Strikes a la carte. Delectable. My lungs look like
Firestones.
BRAIN: Listen. I'm on the verge of a universe-tilting breakthrough. I
don't need your sniveling.
BODY: Are we gonna get some sleep this week?
BRAIN: Yeah, yeah.  [Some 14 hours later.]
BODY: Look, man, I'm gonna die here. I wanna go to bed.
BRAIN: SILENCE!  [Rains vicious blows upon the Body Lobbyist until he
sinks beneath the table, a simpering lump of protoplasm.]
Philistine.  [Some 10 hours later. the Body Lobbyist has risen from
beneath the table, wearing full body armor and a catcher's mask.]
BODY: Sleep. Now.  The Brain Lobbyist produces a dreadnought Louisville
Slugger, festooned with nails, and clubs the Body Lobbyist senseless.]
BRAIN: Where was I?  [Some eight hours later, the Body Lobbyist rises
and leaves the room. The Brain Lobbyist, deep in some
amphetamine-induced trance, fails to notice. Several minutes later the
Body Lobbyist re-enters, carrying a bazooka. He liberally distributes
the Brain Lobbyist about the room.]
BODY: Sleep. Now.  [Perhaps 20 hours later, another Brain Lobbyist
enters the room. Repeat cycle.]

 There are tradeoffs to this methodology, sure. But the advantages
are overwhelming.  First, it's more honest. After all, the first time a
deadline or a good idea rolls around, you're gonna shaft your body
anyway, right? Why not accustom yourself to those inevitable caffeine
feasts BEFORE they descend on your unsuspecting, pampered physiognomy?
 Second, there is no better way to accumulate a comprehensive,
detailed knowledge of one's body than by abusing it regularly. Whereas
most humans can only recognize vague, ambiguous bodily states and apply
almost meaningless words like "good," "bad," "tired" and "rested" to
the way they feel, a metabolic fascist becomes sensitive to the most
subtle changes in his system. He learns to check his pulse by noting
the frequency of the shaking in his hands. He learns to check his blood
pressure by gauging the accuracy with which he hits the reboot switch.
 To a metabolic fascist, the body is a finely-tuned machine
operating somewhere past the ragged edge. One pays much more attention
to an engine about to explode than to one that is idling, and a
metabolic fascist knows his body to a degree of detail that, among
other humans, only long-distance runners and new mothers achieve.  (Not
to mention the fact that this mode of living produces a certain manic
look about the eyes that is useful for everything from terrifying
muggers to staring down that fossilized waitress who never, EVER, takes
back a cheeseburger because it's too well-done.)
 The peripheral benefits are legion. When was the last time you
really wondered what day it was? A genuine
scratch-your-head-and-call-up-Sidekick kind of puzzlement? When was the
last time you were truly surprised that the sun decided to rise? When
was the last time you stared, entranced, as the sort routine you just
wrote turned into little green soldiers that danced across your
screen? To the metabolic fascist, life once more becomes that
fascinating, unpredictable thing most humans never see after they
graduate from diapers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 An old man goes to church and is making a confession.
 Man: Father, I'm 75 years old. I have been married to my wife for
50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday
I was intimate with an 18 year old girl.
 Father: Well my son, when was the last time you made a confession?
 Man: I never have, I'm Jewish.
 Father: Then why are you telling me this?
 Man: I'm telling everybody.......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 As a wallflower at a crowded dance, I was happy to see a handsome
young man approaching me.  "Are you going to dance?" he asked
pleasantly.
 "Yes," I murmured.
 "Good," he said.  "May I have your chair?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Two men were talking about an elderly acquaintance who had
recently retired.  "I heard," said one, "that he has a penchant for
chasing young women."
 "What?" exclaimed the other.  "You mean the company he worked for
pays him for that?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.  She
charged that he had called her a pig.  The man was found guilty and
fined.
 After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call
Mrs. Johnson a pig?"  The judge said that was true.
 "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no
fear of legal action.
 The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon,
Mrs. Johnson."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A certain Texan owned an oil well, which caught on fire one day. 
The Texan immediately called Red Adair, asking him to come and
extinguish the fire.  Adair agreed, but said, "My fee is one million
dollars".  The Texan decided that was too much, so when to the Yellow
Pages and looked under "Oil Well Fire Extinguisher's".  There he saw
the name of Jose Hernandez.  He called Jose and asked him to come and
extinguish the fire.  Jose agreed and said, "My fee is one thousand
dollars".  The Texan agreed and said he would pay him on the spot. 
Jose said, "Alright, senor, tomorrow morning I come in my truck".
 The next day the Texan went out to the oil well.  Just as he
arrived, he saw a truck with "Jose Hernandez -- Oil Well Fire
Extinguisher" painted on the side drive up.  Instead of stopping, the
truck drove at full speed towards the well and crashed against the
derrick.  Immediately a dozen Mexicans jumped out and began beating at
the flames with serapes.  Soon the fire was out.  One the smoldering
Mexicans walked up to the Texan and said, "Senor, I am Jose
Hernandez."  The Texan said, "My God, that was amazing", reached into
his pocket, pulled out a thousand dollars, and handed it to Jose.  Jose
took the money and said, "Thank you, Senor; now I can afford to fix my
brakes."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man was stranded on a desert island.  One day as he was staring
out to sea, he began talking to himself:  "Say, what is that out there? 
Is it a boat?  Yeah, I think it's a boat.  I'll bet there a broad on
it; a broad with big tits, with nipples the size of my thumb, with a
luscious, tight pussy, with a round, red ass...".  By this time, he had
developed a huge, throbbing erection.  He grabbed it and began to
masturbate furiously, cackling, "Ha!! Fooled you, you bastard!  There
ain't no boat out there!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There's this indian talking so his friend: Indian has funny names
because there are named after special events:
 My dad's name is "RAINY" because it was raining...
 My sister's name is "Black Cloud" because it was very cloudy...
 My mother's name is "Carnival" Because it was the final
carnival...
So the kid says to his indian friend:
 "Oh, now I understand BUSTED-CONDOM"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man with a two-inch prick walks into a whorehouse and drops his
pants in front of one of the girls.  She said to him, "Who do you think
you're going to please with that little thing?"  And the man says,
"Me!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when
she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.  So the
first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled
out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her
husband's clothes and she let a big fart.  She looked up and said,
"Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Once a guy from Cincinnati was dating a gal from Eaton. But she
had a twin sister who lived in Dayton. The two sister decided to play a
little game on this Cinsy guy so they started to alternate on dates
with this guy. Being identical twins, he had no idea of their little
joke. As the strange relationship developed, it finally got to the
point that the poor guy didn't know if he was dating' the gal from
Eaton or eating' the gal from Dayton.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Missionary woman was out with the indians when she wondered what
the feathers that the indians wore were for, she went to one indian who
just had one feather and asked him..  "Me fuckem white women" replied
the indian.
 "OH MY" said the woman and ran off.
 A little while later she decided that he was just pulling her leg
and she decided to ask another indian what the feathers were for so she
approached a indian brave with 3 feathers in his war bonnet.
 "excuse me can you tell me what those feathers are for?" 
 "Me fuckem 3 white women" replied the indian "OH NO" cried the
women and she ran away.
 Not satisfied with the answers the woman decided to ask the chief
"Oh chief you have many many many many feathers in your war bonnet can
you tell me what they are for?"
 The chief looked thoughtful for a moment and replied" Me been
chief many long years...and in that time me fuckem many many white
women" "OH DEAR" cried the women "NO DEAR....ASS TO HIGH RUN TOO FAST"
said the chief
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The Mother Superior of an Irish convent hear a knock at the door
and went to answer it.  When she opened the door, she saw two
leprechauns standing outside.  One of the leprechauns took off his hat
and said, "Begging your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you be
having any midget nuns here?"
 The Mother Superior said, "No, we have no midget nuns here."
 The leprechaun, looking disturbed, said, "Are you quite sure,
Mother Superior?"
 The Mother Superior said, "I know all the sisters, and I am quite
certain that there are no midget nuns here."
 The leprechaun, now quite upset, asked, "Would you be knowing if
any other convent has midget nuns?"
 The Mother Superior said, "To the best of my knowledge, there's
not a midget nun in the whole of Ireland".
 The second leprechaun jabbed the first one in the ribs with his
elbow and said, "See?  I told you that you were screwing a penguin!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A sixth grade class is taking sex-ed. The teacher pulls down a
picture of a naked lady and Paul raises his hand. Paul's not too bright
and the teacher doesn't like to call on him. She says:"Ok paul, what is
this?"
 Paul says "That's a naked lady those are tits and that's a
pussy!!" THe teacher being quite steamed then pulls down a picture of a
naked man. Now both Scott and Paul raise their hand. Scott wouldn't say
shit if he had a mouthful. The teacher says" Ok Scott what is this?"
 Scott Says" That's a naked man and that's a Penis. My dad's got
two of those: a little one that he pees with, and a big one that he
brushes mommy's teeth with!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A black Texan is sitting at the El Paso Greyhound station, waiting
for his bus.  He sees a weight and fortune machine in the corner, walks
over to it and drops a nickel in the slot. 
 The card that comes out says "your black, your on your way to
New york, your bus leaves in ten minutes and you weigh 165 pounds!"
 The tex/nig thinks that the prediction is amazing and looks around
the station, finally he sees an Indian waiting for a bus, he grabs the
Indian and brings him to the scale, drops in a nickel and the card
comes out "Your an Indian, a Chief of the Cherokee Tribe, on your way
to Arizona, you weigh 175 pounds!"  (The chief says "UGH!" 
 The Texan grabs the Indian's Headgear and blanket, puts them on,
steps on the scale, drops in a nickel and the card pops out and reads:
"you're still black, you still weigh 165 pounds, you were on your way
to new york, but you fucked around with that stupid indian and missed
your bus!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man was visiting the Seminole reservation and was caught looking
at one of the squaws while bathing. The strongest brave dragged him
before the chief of the tribe and described his offense.
 The chief held a trial and found the man guilty and threw him into
a box with another offender.
 Later they were removed and taken for their punishment
pronouncement by the chief.
 The chief asked the first man what punishment he would
prefer.."Death or Putapongah?" asked the chief.
 The man said "Why putapongah of course!"
 "So be it" said the chief and the man was stripped down and ALL of
the braves rammed it to him until he died.
 The other man was horrified by this and when asked chose death
instead of the horrible fate his cellmate had endured.
 "Fine" said the chief "Death by putapongah".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 So Eli, what did you do last weekend?
 Well Curtis, let me tell you once. I decided to drive to New York
City, you see I never been there. So I'm walking about the city there
and I come across a bar. Feeling a bit thirsty I decided to have one
awhile. So I go in and climb to the bar and say "barkeep I would like
a beer". I put $5 on the counter and the barkeep he brings me my beer,
takes the $5 and gives me back $2. I says "You only gave me $2 back for
the beer" and the barkeep he says "that's right, beer's here are $3".
Well I nearly fell down the stool and says "Geez, back home beers are
$0.75 and you can win prizes yet." The barkeep looks at me and says
"prizes?" and I say "Yup. Why every Sat. night at the VFW you can win a
prize. There is a secretly marked stool and at the end of the night
the person in the stool gets to pick the spouse of who ever is there to
go home with and spend the night with them." Well, the barkeep, he
looks funny kinda at me and says "You ever win?". I says "No, but the
wife does damn near every week!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard on the moors back in 732 A.D.
 "Old woman."
 "Man."
 "Man, sorry."
 "I'm only 37."
 "What?"
 "I said 'I'm not old, I'm only 37."
 "Well, I couldn't just say 'Man."
 "You could say 'Dennis'."
 "I didn't know that your name was Dennis."
 "Look, what I object to is that you automatically treat me as an
inferior."
 "Well, I am king."
 "Oh, king. Very nice. And how did you get that then? By exploiting 
the working class and..."
 "Oh, Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How do you do?"
 "How do you do?, good lady. Tell me, who lives in that castle there?"
 "No one lives there."
 "Then who is your lord?"
 "We don't have a lord."
 "What?"
 "We are an arcos-syndicate commune."
 "Yes, I see."
 "We take it in turn every two weeks..."
 "Yes, I see."
 "...to head meetings..."
 "Be quiet."
 "....Whereby a simple majority for purely internal affairs.."
 "Be quiet."
 "..but by a two thirds majority for..."
 "Shut up! I order you to be quiet!"
 "Order,'eh? Who does he think he is?"
 "I am your king. Arthur, king of the Britons."
 "King of the who?"
 "The Britons."
 "Who are they?"
 "Well, you are. We all are. And I am your king."
 "Well, I didn't vote for you."
 "You don't vote for kings."
 "Well, how did you become king?"
 "The lady of the lake, her arm clad in the finest shimmering
samite,  held aloft from the bosom of the water Excalibur. Signifying,
by divine providence, that I, Arthur, should be king. That's how I
became king."
 "Look, strange women, laying about in ponds distributing swords is 
no basis for a system of government. Supreme power comes from a mandate
from the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony."
 "Be quiet!"
 "If I went about saying that I was an emperor because some
moistened  bit lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."
 "Be quiet!"
 "Just because some watery tart distributes cutlery..."
 "Shut up! Shut up!"
 "Oh, now we see the violence in the system."
 "Shut up! Shut up!"
 "Come see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm
being  repressed!"
 "Bloody peasant."
 "Oh, now that's the giveaway. You saw him repressing me. You saw it."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Two Jewish ladies had been friends for years; one day Anna said to
Marie,
 "I have been a widow for so long that I have decided that I will
travel and see the world.  I am leaving for Africa next week." Marie
said, "Be very careful and write to me.  I will be worried about you
until you get back."
 Several weeks passed and Marie saw in the paper were Anna had been
kidnapped and raped repeatedly by a big Gorilla and had finally been
found deep in the jungle.  She rushed to the hospital to see her dear
friend. She was wrapped in bandages from head to toe and when she
awoke, Marie ask her how she felt and she said,
 "How would you feel? He doesn't write...He doesn't call!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was this nude lady that flagged down a NY taxi.  Well she
got in and the cab driver turned to her saying "HEY, GET OUT.  I can
see that you can't pay me."  Well she looked at him saying "I'll let
you take it out in trade."  So turning and looking down at her he said,
"DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SMALLER?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Speaking of old Jewish men, Abe Finkelstein was on his deathbed.
His family was gathered around him.
 "Get me a priest," he said.
 A priest?
 Yes, I want a priest.
 But pop, all your life you've been Jewish.
 I WANT A PRIEST.
 But, never has a drop of non-kosher food passed your lips, never,
til you were sick did you miss a Saturday at synagogue.
 I WANT A PRIEST.
 Pop, I don't understand it, now that you are dying, are you
renouncing the faith of our fathers?
 Son, it's like this. I know I have an hour, maybe two hours to
live. I figure if anyone has to go, it might as well be one of THEM.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 "I've got two fantastic chicks coming to spend the weekend," a
young man tells his druggist.  "What do you have that'll help me keep
it up for 48 hours nonstop?"  
 The druggist gives him a bottle of medicine and wishes him luck. 
Monday morning, the young guy is waiting in front of the drugstore,
bedraggled and in pain.  "Please, I need Ben-Gay," he pleads.  
 "But you can't put Ben-Gay on your dick," says the druggist. 
 "What on my dick?" says the guy.  "On my elbow--the girls never
showed!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man walks into a bar and proceeds to drink almost everything in
the bar.  Finally when the bartender says "last call" the man gets up
and starts to walk out.  The bartender grabs the man and says "Who's
gonna pay for all the booze you've drunk".  The man tells the bartender
that he has no money.  Furious, the bartender gets ready to pound the
man when the man yells "Wait!  I've got a great trick that you gotta
see."  The bartender, curious, ask what this trick is.  "Well," says
the man, "I can whistle the Star Spangled Banner out my asshole". The
bartender not prone to taking bar bets says "If you can do that then
I'll let you walk the tab."  The man says "ok" and proceeds to climb
onto the bartenders brand new oak bar, pulls down his pants, bends
over, and proceeds to SHIT all over the brand new bar.  The bartender,
ready to kill, says "What the hell do you think you're doing?  You're a
dead man".  The man holds up his hands and says wait a minute, wait a
minute, even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  There seems to have been this man one day who was sinking in
quicksand. A young fellow walks by and the man screams out," Hey! Help
get me out of this quicksand!!!"
  The fellow looks at the guy and says" Will you suck my dick?"
  The man replies," UUUGH, NO!"
  So the fellow kicks him in the head, and the man sinks a little
deeper. Later on, another dude walks by...and the man screams
again,"Hey! Help get me out of this quicksand!!! I'll do anything!"
  The dude looks at the man and asks "Will you suck my dick?"
  The man replies as before..." UUUGH, NO WAY!"
  So the dude kicks the man in the head, and he sinks a little
deeper.
   Just before the man is totally consumed by the quicksand, he sees
another man walking near by, so he yells out," HELP! Get me out of this
quicksand, and I'll do anything...Even suck your dick!"
   The man walks over to him kicks his head, and says
 "Die! you faggot!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A little boy was playing outside the marine barracks at the local
Navy Base. A marine spied him and asked:
 "Kid, what are you doing out there?"
 The boy replied: "I'm trying to make a sailor out of this pile of dogshit."
 This brought a large burst of laughter from the marine, who pulled
his head inside the barracks window and yelled out: "HEY!  There's a
kid outside trying to make a sailor outta a pile of dogshit!!!"
 More marines came to barracks windows, encouraging the boy,
laughing, yelling the news, and basically having a good time with the
little boy's activity.
 But then, a marine sergeant came up the little boy and asked:
"Kid, WHY are you trying to make a sailor out of dogshit?"
 The little boy stopped, looked up at him, and said: " 'cause their
ain't enough dogshit on this whole base to make a marine."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you cure a case of "the crabs"??
First, you need 3 things:
 1. Lighter Fluid
 2. Matches
 3. Ice Pick
Directions:  Flood the infested area with lighter fluid.  Ignite the
lighter fluid with a match (get your ice pick ready). If any crabs are
still alive, stab them with the ice pick as they are fleeing the fire.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the Den Mother's Scrap Book......

 Two little girls were walking down the street on hot, hot
day and they were talking about how hot it was and wondering if they
took off their panties under their dresses it would help them to be
cooler.  They didn't know if it was o.k. to do that or not and then a
saw a big fat woman sitting on her front porch eating watermelon
and she had her feet propped up wide on the banister and it was easy to
see that she didn't have any panties on.  So the two little girls went
over to ask her about it.
 "Does you think it would make us any cooler to take our panties
off?"
 "Well, I's don't know if it will keep you any cooler or not but IT
SHORE DOES KEEP THE FLIES OFF'EN MY WATERMELON!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A fellow was in bed making love to his friend's wife when the
phone rang.  After talking a minute or two the wife said, 
 "That was my husband."
 The fellow said, "I had better leave!"
 The wife said, "No, you don't have to hurry.  He called to say
that he was going to be late because he was playing poker with you!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 MALE BIRTH CONTROL ...then there's the male birth control pill.
Put it in your shoe and it makes you limp. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 One Saturday three little kids were sitting around wondering
what the meanest animal in the world is.  LeMoyne says it's a tiger,
Tryone insists it's a lion.  
 "You bof wrong," maintains Leroy.  "It's a crocogator."
 "You mean a alligator?"
 "Naw"
 "Then what do he look like?"  ask the other two.
 "At one end he got de haid of a crocodile," explains Leroy, and at
the other, de haid of an alligator."
 "Den how do he shit?" demands Lemoyne triumphantly
 "He don' shit...dat's what make him so mean!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A young woman from Texas went to go visit a childhood friend in
New York City. The young women were walking down fifth ave. and the
woman from New York said "You really have to watch yourself here in the
city the men will walk right up to you and do it to you."
 The girl from Texas says: "Well honey that ain't noth'in the men
from Texas do it to ya THEN they walk up!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following may help Parents better understand their child/children
school report card.
 
Satisfactory progress  ........... I can't think of a single
       interesting thing about him/her.
A born leader  ........... Mafia "Godfather" type.
Easy going  ........... Bone idle.
Lively nature  ........... Thoroughly disruptive.
Good progress  ........... If you think present work is bad, you
        should have seen it a year ago.
A sensitive child  ........... Never stops whining.
Helpful    ........... Creep.
Reliable   ........... Grasses on his mates.
Co-operative   ........... Teacher's pet.
Adventurous    ........... Could break his neck before the year
       is over Has difficulty in forming
stable relationships   ........... I can't stand him/her either.
Self confident     ........... Cheeky little bastard.
Good at contact sports ........... Thug.
Fond of music  ........... Anything to get out of work.
Suffers from minor ailments ...... Truants regularly.
Friendly   ........... Never shuts up.
Easily distracted  ........... Hasn't produced a decent piece of
         work all year.
Works better in a small group .... Daren't take my eyes off him/her.
Imaginative    ........... Careless with the truth.
Needs encouragement    ........... Thick as a brick.
Expresses himself clearly ........ Swears like a trooper.
Keen to do well    ........... Egotistical.
All work is of a high standard ... Has ambitious middle-class parents.
Does not easily accept authority . Potential criminal.
Is easily upset    ........... Spoilt rotten.
Often appears tired    ........... Stays up until all hours watching
       late movies or's into glue sniffing.
Good at practical activities ..... Illiterate.
A rather solitary child .......... Has B. O. or nits.
Clever with his hands  ........... Light fingered.
Independent minded ........... For "independent" read "bloody".
Enjoys extra-curricular activities ......... Flogs fags and dope.
Determined     ........... Completely lacking all scruples.
Inclined to day dream  ........... In one ear and out the other.
A good sense of humor ........... Teases other kids unmercifully.
Enjoys all P. E. activities ...... Muscle bound moron.
Reads well aloud   ........... In love with his/her own voice.
A quiet child  ........... Lacks self confidence and initiative.
Easily influenced  ........... The class fall guy.
Popular with classmates .......... Brings in dad's girlie magazines.
A vivid imagination    ........... Never short of an excuse.
An inquisitive mind    ........... Caught playing "Doctors and Nurses".
Forging his way steadily ahead ... Cheats all the time.
Is dyslexic    ........... Blind as a bat.
Artistic   ........... Exponent of graffiti.
Likes to proceed in his own way .. Mulishly obstinate.
Open to suggestion ........... No mind of his own.
 
A further note to parents, DO NOT allow your child's grandparents to
read this!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A pirate walks into the pet store and asks the owner to show him a
parrot.
 The owner directs his attention to a rather large parrot in the
back of the room.
 The pirate walks over to the parrot and says "Say 'Polly Want A
Cracker'"
 The parrot replies "Fuck you one-eye."
 The pirate, somewhat daunted, again asks the parrot to say 'Polly
want a cracker'
 Again, the parrot replies as above.
 The pirate, angered now, says "Say that again, and I'll cut out
your tongue!"
 The parrot replies the same again.
 The pirate grabs the parrot and cuts his tongue out.
 "Now what do you have to say for yourself?"
 The parrot covers his eye with his left wing and flips him off
with the right.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was this women that lived in New York City and she decided
that she wanted herself a virgin man. She put out ads all across the
state for a man that is a virgin......no response. She put ads in every
paper in every city in the United States.........Still no response. So,
she put ads in papers in every major city on the earth........A few
weeks went by.......Then she got a response from a man in Australia, he
is a virgin.She made all the necessary arrangements, Airline tickets,
Hotel room, Clothes and food. The australian finally arrives and they
arrange a time that they should meet at his hotel room. She arrives,
they introduce themselves and he starts moving all the furniture
against the walls in the room. She asks him "Why are you doing that?"
He responds" Well if making love to a women is anything like making
love to a Kangaroo were going to need all of the room we can get."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Polish man made the acquaintance of a young woman in a bar, and
she accepted his invitation to come back to his apartment. After a few
drinks and some soft music the Pole suggested retiring to the bedroom,
and the young woman was willing. Soon they were going at it hot and
heavy.
 Right in the middle of everything the Pole stopped dead, looked at
her, and said, "Hey, you don't have herpes, do you?"
 "NO!" she said. "Why would you ask that?"
 "That's a relief," said the Pole. "The last girl didn't tell me
until it was too late."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   humorous quotes

A woman is a woman until the day she dies, but a man's a man only as 
long as he can.  --> Moms Mabley

In all my years of public life I have never obstructed 
justice.   --> Richard M. Nixon

Lord give me chastity -- but not yet.
   --> Saint Augustine

Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest.
   --> Anatole France

Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head
examined.  --> Samuel Goldwyn

I have every confidence that you [Lieutenant Calley] are a
fine military officer that we can all be proud of!
   --> Paul Harvey

We're in the same position as a plumber laying a pipe.  We're
not responsible for what goes through the pipe.
   --> David Sarnoff
   
A man in love is incomplete until he has married.  Then he's
finished.  --> Zsa Zsa Gabor
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Did you hear that Mary Travers has quit Peter Paul and Mary and
they are going to replace her with Dolly Parton?
 The new group will be called Peter Paul's Mounds 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Another guy in a bar story, but this fellow was ordering martinis.
He got a martini, put the olive in a jar, and drank it. He got another
martini, put the olive in the jar, and drank the martini. This went on
for about a dozen or more martinis. Another fellow asked the bartender
what the guy was doing. "Whatsamatter, didn't your wife ever send you
out for a jar of olives?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A priest, a mullah and a rabbi were all out in a rowboat, fishing. 
The rabbi decides to go back to shore, steps out of the boat, and walks
across the water to dry land.  The mullah gets tired of fishing and
decides to head for shore. He gets out of the boat, walks across the
water, and steps on to dry land.  The priest decides that anything the
rabbi and the mullah can do, he can do, too.  He steps out of the boat
and sinks straight to the bottom.  The rabbi and the mullah take all
this in, look at each other, and the mullah says, "Do you suppose when
he finally comes up for air, that we should show him where the rocks
are?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was once this small town, where half the population was
Catholic, and the other half was Jewish.  The houses of worship in that
town consisted of one Catholic Church, and one Jewish Synagogue. 
Neither congregation was large enough to hold any sort of a community
event on its own, so the rabbi and the pastor got together and decided
to hold a joint fund raising event.  This was back in the days before
Vatican II, when it was still obligatory for Roman Catholics to
abstain from meat on Fridays.  The rabbi asked the priest what he
thought they should have as the main course for the dinner banquet. 
The priest said "ham." The priest then asked the rabbi when he thought
they should hold this event.  The rabbi's reply:  "Some Friday evening
this summer."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Two (male) lawyers were walking down a street when they saw this
beautiful woman.  The first lawyer says, "See that babe?  Boy, I'd
really like to screw her!"
 The other lawyer replies, "Out of what?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A lawyer has a one night stand with a woman.  After they realize
each other "carnally," nothing comes about.
 About 11 months later the lawyer is at a filling station pumping
gas, when he notices this woman and the back seat of her car...for in
the back seat was an infant.
 Putting two and two together, the lawyer thinks that the infant is
his, and says to the woman, "Hey, is that my kid in there?"
 "Yeah, of course it is," the woman replied.
 "Well, why didn't you tell me?! I would have done the right thing,
we could have been married, for God's sake," said the lawyer.
 The woman replied, "Well, I talked it over with the family, ya
see, and we decided that we would rather have a bastard in the family,
than having a lawyer around."  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was a sailor that just got off the ship for shore leave the
first place he went was a house of prostitution. He forked over his
fifty bucks and goes upstairs with the whore. They are in bed for about
forty-five minutes or so and the whore says:
 " You Must be a sailor"
 The sailor replies: "How do you know that,baby?"
 The whore says: "Well...Your doing about three knots........It's
not hard.....It's not in.....And your NOT getting your money back!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A young Texas girl went to New York City and when she returned her
friend wanted to know all about it. She said, "Well they have these men
that are all dressed in white and they drive Cadillacs and they sell
drugs." Her friend asks, "And what do they call them??" The girl said,
"They call them pushers." The girl continued, "And they have women
there that dress in real short skirts, look really sexy and sell sex."
The other girl asked, "And what do they call them?" The girl answered,
"They call them whores." She continued. "This man took me on a date and
then we went back to his place and he pulled my panties off, put his
face between my legs and licked my pussy for an hour." Her friend
asked, "And what was he called??" The girl answered, "I don't know but
I called him Precious!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Guide to Safe Fax

Q.  Do I have to be married to have Fax?
A.  Although married people Fax quite often, there are many single
people who Fax complete strangers every day.

Q.  My parents say they never had Fax when they were young and were
only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21.  How old
do you think someone should be before they can Fax?
A.  Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct
procedure.

Q.  If I Fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A.  Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q.  There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to Fax.  Is
this legal?
A.  Yes.  Many people have no other outlet for their Fax drives and
must pay a "professional" when their need to Fax becomes too great.

Q.  Should a cover be used for Faxing?
A.  Unless you are really sure of the one you're Faxing, a cover should
be used to insure safe Fax.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Gunnery Sergeant dies and goes to the Pearly Gates to meet St.
Peter.  He says to St. Peter, are there any Sailors in here. St. Peter
replies "No don't worry about it, there are no Sailors in here." So St.
Peter tells him to follow the road and make the first left and he will
come to the Pearly Gates.  So the Gunney Sgt. follows the directions
but when he gets to the first left he sees a Chief Petty Officer.  He
is pissed now so he runs back to St. Peter and says "I thought you told
me there were no Sailors here?" St. Peter replies, "What do you mean,
there aren't any Sailors here".  The Gunny replies "But when I got to
the first left I saw a Chief Petty Officer".  And St. Peter replies. 
"My son don't worry about him. That's God, He just thinks He's a Chief".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A couple has been dating for a long time, and they finally decide
to tie the knot.  Now, the man, although 27, is still a virgin, and is
very frightened at the thought of having to have sex.  He asks his best
friend for advice regarding what to do during the honeymoon.  The
friend tells the groom to let him know where and which hotel the
couple will be staying in, and that he, the friend, will be there in
the next room to give advice.  
 The couple are now honeymooning.  The groom whispers at the wall.
He says, "Are you there...?" No answer.  His wife by now has completely
undressed, and is waiting for him seductively.  Scared, he runs to the
bathroom.  Waiting for a few minutes, wondering what he is going to do,
he hears his wife call out, "Honey, I need to take a shit, can you come
out?"  To which the groom replies, "Just do it in the shoe box on the
floor near the bed."  The wife takes a squat, and puts the little
package by the side of the bed so she won't forget it.
 The groom once again comes out, and moves towards his wife.  As
he gets near the bed, his foot sinks into the shoe box.  "SHIT," he
screams.  From the other side of the wall - "Turn her over, turn the
bitch over...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man went to a bar, ordered a drink, and sat down.. a few minutes
later a nice looking chick with big tits and a nice ass sat down beside
the man and ordered a drink... Soon they began talking and finally the
women asked the man to her place.... they went to her place and after a
candlelight dinner, retired to the bedroom, where they proceeded to
fuck a little... the next morning the man asks, "You don't have AIDS do
you?"  "Of course not?" the women exclaimed, "Why did you ask?" the man
replied "because I don't want to catch it again"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This marine wants to buy a hunting dog.  He goes to a kennel that
is world famous for breeding and training the finest hunting dogs.
While he's checking out the dogs, he comes across one that is
particularly outstanding, it points, waits forever, never flushes a
hen, it only kicks up cocks and just generally does everything
perfectly.  So the marine takes him back and tells the owner that he
wanted to buy him.  Well, the price was $2500, which was more than the
marine had on him, so he said "hold the dog for me for a week, I'll be
back with the money.  And by the way what's the dog's name?"  The owner
told him the name was Sergeant, this only confirmed the marines
feelings that this dog was meant to be his.  A week later the marine
comes back with the cash and says to the owner "I'm here to pick up
Sergeant" but the guy says he's sorry the dog is no longer for sale.
"Why?" asked the marine.  Well, he's been ruined, he's no good, says
the owner.  I don't get it said the marine, last week he was the
hunter's wet dream for a dog, what happened.  "Well" said the owner,
during the week I let a couple of sailors take him out, and they were
so impressed with him that they called him "Gunney" and ever since he's
done nothing but sit on his ass and bark.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 One day there were three slaves working as usual. All of a sudden
their master told them to go and pick something out of the garden
because he found out that they had taken a break. The first came back
with an apple. His master said" Shove it up your butt!" And he did.
 A few minutes later the next came in with a radish. His master
said" Shove it up your butt!" And he did.
 Then the two slaves started laughing uncontrollably. Their master
said" What is so funny?!" They said" The next guy is getting a
watermelon!!!!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Three men were walking by the ocean and surprise, there was a
bottle washed up from the tide.  The first man picked it up and rubbed
it and of course a Genie appeared.  
   I'll give you three wishes, but since there are three of you only
one wish for each, he said.
   The first man says, "I want to be twice as smart as I am now."
   "Your wish is granted," says the genie.
   "Wow, it works" says the first man, "I really feel smarter."
   The second man wished to be 10 times smarter, since he wasn't
going to outdone by his friend.
   "Your wish is granted," says the genie.
   "Oh cool" says the second man, "I'm so smart now I'm a genius!"
   The third man, not to be outdone, says, "I want to know
Everything!"
   NO, says the genie, you don't want that.
  "Yes, I do.  You've got to grant my wish, I want to know
everything now."
   "OK, says the genie, you've got it."  
   AS he friends watched the man turned into a TEENAGE GIRL!!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was once this hotel that was located at the bottom of a tall
hill out in the country, where city water was unavailable.  The hotel's
water supply consisted of a well at the bottom of the hill near the
hotel, and a cistern at the top of the hill, where the water was pumped
from the well for storage, until it was needed.  One day the hotel's
water pump broke.  All went well until the cistern ran dry and the pump
still hadn't been fixed.  The hotel then hired a local young couple,
Jack and Jill, to haul water by hand up from the well to the cistern. 
Jack and Jill did a remarkably good job, and in no time the cistern was
full again.  The pump still hadn't been fixed (must have been made by
General Motors, and the hotel was relying on Mr. Goodwrench to get it
in good working order, but that's another story....), so the hotel
still needed someone to keep the cistern filled; however, they needed
only one person to do this job.  The hotel management was in a
quandary. They didn't know whether to lay Jill or Jack off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Three junior monks were taking their final test to enter the
brotherhood.  The head monk tells them to take their robes off, then
ties a little bell to their penises with some string.
 "If your bell rings," explains the head monk, "then you are not
fit for the brotherhood."
 A door opens, and out comes a scantily-clad woman doing a sensuous
dance, but the bells don't ring.  Her dance gets more and more erotic,
but the bells don't ring.  She starts to peel off her clothes...
 'Ding, ding, ding,' goes one of the bells.
 The head monks faces him and says, "You, brother, are not fit for
the order.  Pick up your clothes and leave us."
 Ashamed, he bends over to pick up his clothes.
 'Ding, ding, ding,' go the other two bells.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A nymphomaniac goes to the supermarket and gets all hot and
bothered eyeing the carrots and cucumbers.  By the time she gets to the
check out line she can't hold out much longer, so she asks one of the
supermarket bag boys to carry her groceries out to the car for her. 
They're halfway across the lot when the nympho slips her hand down his
pants and whispers,
 "You know, I've got a itchy pussy."
 "Sorry, lady," says the boy, "but I can't tell one of those
Japanese cars from another."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A couple took their 12-year-old son to his first Broadway musical. 
The parents began feeling uneasy in one scene where the dancing girls
came out attired only in blue and white ribbons.  As the number ended,
the son leaned over and said,
 "Mom, did you see that!!?"
 "See what?" the mother asked warily.
 "Those girls were wearing our school colors!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It used to be that when a farmer had a cow he wished to breed that
he'd take the cow to a stud farm, or call a stud farm and have them
bring out a stud bull to do the deed.
 Now-a-days though everything is done pretty much automatically or
artificially, and well it can cause a few strange conversations....
 One day Farmer Brown was out in the field with the necessary tools
for artificially inseminating his prize cow and as he was going about
the deed the faithful Farmer's wife answers the phone.
 A male voice on the other end of the phone -- sounding rather
gruff and annoyed -- says, "May I speak to Farmer Brown!".
 The wife answers, "I'm sorry, but he's out in the field
impregnating our cow right now".
 Voice on the phone shoots back, "Damn!  If he's that horny I'm not
even gonna bother him about him screwing my wife".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This guy needed to get across the desert, but he was too broke to
fly.  So he went to the only place in town where he could get cheep
transportation;
 
    **** Ahmahl's Used Camels ****
 He asked the salesman how much this particular camel cost.
 "200 dollars, and he is a very fast camel."
 "Don't you have anything less expensive?",he asked, checking his
wallet.
 "Well, this camel is very cheep, only 50 dollars, and is very fast
as well. Only one trouble; camel is very horny.  If camel stops, you
have to jack him off before he will go again."
 "Well, I guess that'll do",said the man, and forked over the $50.
 Later, the man is tearing across the desert on the camel, dust
flying up behind, when the camel screeches to a halt.
 The man gets off the camel, looks the beast in the eye, makes a
jack-off motion with his wrist.
 The camel nods in approval.
 The man jacks off the camel, and gets back on.
 The camel takes off again, at an incredible speed.  Dust flying,
wind whistling, the man has to shield his eyes.  The camel stops. Man
gets off, looks at the camel, makes the motion, camel nods. He
reluctantly does his thing to the camel, gets on, and they take off
again. Now the camel is going faster than the man can imagine, hoofs
pounding on the ground like thunder, birds thrown to the ground from
the draft of the passing camel, and the city the man is headed for is
just on the horizon when the camel plows his hoofs into the ground and
stops dead, throwing the man forward off the camel.
 The man sighs, looks at the camel, and makes the jack-off motion.
 The camel shakes his head, and blows.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 These two guys are playing golf, and they're behind a twosome of
very slow women.  After putting up with this for a couple of holes, one
of the guys decides to run ahead and ask the women if they can play
through.  He gets halfway down the fairway, then turns around and runs
back.  "Oh my gosh", he says to his partner, "I can't go ask them - one
of those women is my wife and the other is my girlfriend!"  So the
other guy decides to run ahead and ask.  After getting halfway down the
fairway, he too turns around and runs back.  "Small world!", he says.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A young woman walking in the park one day accidentally stepped on
a frog.  She picked it up and took it home.  That night, she put it
under her pillow and the next morning the frog was gone and there was a
handsome young man sleeping beside her.  She couldn't believe
it....Neither did her mother and father!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A lady had her cat (Killer) neutered and when she brought him home
he, made a bee line for the door.  Later that day a neighbor called and
said,
 "Mrs. Jones, your cat is running up and down the streets in the
neighborhood.  I am afraid he is having a fit or something."
 Mrs. Jones just laughed and said,
 "Oh, don't worry, I just had Killer neutered and he is out
canceling appointments!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In the mountains of Arkansas there was this young woman who had a
beautiful voice.  So beautiful, when she sang it made people's eyes
water.  This young woman was not beautiful...just the opposite!  They
said that when she was born, her mother borrowed a baby to take to
town.  So everybody was thrilled when she got engaged to a preacher in
a nearby town.  He fell in love with her voice.  What an acquisition
for his own choir she would be....so they got married.  When the
bridegroom woke up that first morning of the honeymoon, he looked over
there on the next pillow, with one eye.  Then both eyes flew open.  The
bridegroom shouted, "Great Jumping Jehoshaphat!  Woman, get up and
sing!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Late one night a woman was on the way home when a scruffy man
accosted her. He dropped his jeans and told her to do the same, when
she screamed at the top of her lungs: Help! Help! I'm being robbed!!!
 The man, in amazement, informs the lady that she was being raped,
not robbed.  
 She blunted the man by replying  'If you are gonna fuck me with
that, I'M BEING ROBBED!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Have you seen the adds in the papers for "Faux" Stoles (made from
rabbit fur)?  They of course assume that people will mispronounce
'faux'.
 This leads into one of my all time favorite jokes:  The "Fox
Paws" Joke.  (faux pas-- pronounced "foe paw").  This is best told with
a broad English dialect.
 The little girl comes running in to her mother who's in the
kitchen.  She's carrying a book and she looks up to her mother and
asks:
 "Mummy, what are 'fox paws'?
 "Fox paws?" her mother asks.  "What do you mean?"
 "See," says the little girl, holding up her book and pointing, "
'fox paws'!"
 "Oh," say her mother.  "You mean 'faux pas' (ed. correctly
pronounced)!  It's french, you know (ed. roll your rrrr's), 'faux
pas'."
 "I see, but what does it mean, mummy?"
 "Well, it means a 'faux pas', you know.  It's french!"
 "I don't understand, mummy."
 "Well, let me explain.  Do you recall last week when the Vicar was
here for tea?"
 "Uh huh."
 "And do you recall when we went out into garden to see the
flowers?"
 "Uh huh."
 "And do you remember when he was smelling the roses and he pricked
his finger horribly on a thorn, and was just bleeding all over
everywhere?"
 "Uh huh."
 And do you remember later that afternoon when we were in the
drawing room about to have tea and you walked in and said 'Hello Vicar. 
How's your prick?' and I said 'Oh shit!' and dropped the teapot?"
 "Uh huh."
 "Well, THAT's a faux pas!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In the realm of the truth being stranger than fiction, the real
word for a brassiere in German is Bustenhalter.  The man who invented
the brazier was an Austrian named Otto Von Titsling.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man went into the doctor because he was having headaches
frequently, the doctor gave him some medicine and said take it for a
week.  He did and came back and told the doctor that it didn't work. 
He gave him some pills and told him to take them for two weeks and then
come back.  He did and said "they didn't work". So the doctor said the
only other thing I can do for you is castrate you.  After his surgery
he decided from all his misery he would buy himself a new wardrobe. He
went down to the local tailor and commenced to buy his new clothes. He
looked at a shirt and the tailor said you take size 40 he said how do
you know?  The tailor said I've been doing this for 30 years and I can
just tell by looking.  Well it fit just right.  The same thing
happened with his pants, the tailor was able to tell him the exact size
right down to the button.  He then decided to buy himself a pair of
shorts.  The tailor said you need a size 36, the man said No I wear a
size 32.  The tailor said NO you need a size 36, the size 32 will give
you a HEADACHE!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     THE RULES
 
  1.  The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior
  notification.
 
  2.  NO MALE can possibly know all the RULES.
 
  3.  If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the rules, she must
  IMMEDIATELY change some or all of the rules.
 
  4.  The FEMALE is NEVER wrong.
 
  5.  If, per chance, the FEMALE is ever wrong, it is because of a
  flagrant misunderstanding which was as a direct result of
  something the MALE did or said wrong.
 
  6.  If Rule #5 applies, the MALE must apologize immediately for
  causing the misunderstanding.
 
  7.  The FEMALE can change her mind at any given point in time.
 
  8.  The MALE must never change his mind without EXPRESS WRITTEN
  CONSENT from the FEMALE.
 
  9.  The FEMALE has every right to be ANGRY or UPSET at any time.
 
 10.  The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE 
  wants him to be ANGRY or UPSET.
 
 11.  The FEMALE must, under NO circumstances, let the MALE know
  whether she WANTS him to be ANGRY or UPSET.
 
 12.  ANY attempt to document these rules could result in 
  BODILY HARM.
 
 13.  If the FEMALE has PMS, all RULES are NULL and VOID!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 An English teacher at A & M was giving a term exam on some of the
stories that she had the class read during the semester.  One of the
questions was...
 "What did Old McDonald have?"
 An Aggie had studied the question long and hard when finally he
leaned over and whispered to his buddy,
 "Say, Man.....What did Old McDonald have?"
 "A barn" was his answer.
 "Oh...Yeah...How do you spell barn?"
 "E I E I O, Stupid!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are some funny sounding towns found here in the U.S.
 
Toad Suck,Arkansas            Lizard Lick,North Carolina
Hot Coffee,Mississippi        Noodle,Texas
Slap Out,Oklahoma             Cut and Shoot,Texas
Gun Barrel City,Texas         Pancake,Texas
Hell,Michigan                 Chicken Bristle,Illinois
Yum Yum,Tennessee             Two Egg,Florida
Knockemstiff,Ohio             Intercourse,Pennsylvania
Dry Prong,Louisiana           Bug Tussle,Texas
Big Bone Lick, Kentucky       Show Low, Arizona. 
Barnacle Itch, California     Possibly, Connecticut
Saccharin Falls, Nebraska     Raisin, New Hampshire
Sari Sari, Wisconsin          Promise, Oklahoma
Boltnut, Tennessee            Moon, Texas
Squeaky Wheel, New Mexico     Palette, Maine
Sponge, New Mexico            Juice, Florida
Pungent, Montana              West, Texas
Akalahoolawe, Virginia        Albany, Florida
Spackle, West Virginia        Paris, Texas
Crant Schniffle, Nebraska     Rhome, Texas
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This Italian guy comes to america straight off the boat.  He's in
New York city and can speak a little english.  Feeling a little hungry
he walks into a restaurant.  He is seated and when the waiter arrives
he orders two pieces of sausage and some peppers.  When the order
arrives he looks at his plate and there is only one piece of sausage. 
"I order'a two piss"  "Hey pal, I pissed enough today."  "No!  Stupido
americano I wanna two piss, two piss on plate!"  "Listen, if you want
too piss the restrooms right over there!"  "No! I wanna too piss now! 
On mia' plate!"  "Get the hell out of here!  Nobody pisses on my
plate's !"
 Distraught he leaves the restaurant with a casual "Bah Fungool". 
He decides He'd have better luck at a small diner.  So he walks in and
orders the same and the waitress delivers it.  When it arrives, the
waitress negligently forgets the fork, so... "Heya'  I wanna fuck" 
"Yeah pal, everybody want's a fuck"  "How the gunna eat if they no
fuck?", he says, without delay "I wanna fuck.  I'm hungry and I needa
fuck".  The lady smacks the misunderstood and he promptly leaves, again
on an empty stomach.
 The best he can do is to go to a hotel and maybe order room
service.  So he goes to the hotel, checks in and obtains his room. 
After the bellboy leave's he see's his bed has no sheets on it.  This
really tick's him off so he calls the office downstairs.  "I wanna
shit!" , he tells the manager.  "Well sir, didn't the bellhop show you
the bathroom facility?" "Whata facility?  No!  I wanna shit on bed!" 
"Hey buddy, you better noyt shit on that bed or I'll throw you out of
here!", and hang's up.
 That night he decides the first thing tomorrow he's back on that
boat. Enough of this damn country, he tells himself.  The next morning
comes and he goes down to the dock to order his tickets.  After
purchasing the clerk tells him "Peace to you, sir.  Have a pleasent
trip."  "Yeah?  Piss on you too you sunnmabish!  I gunna go back to
Italy!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A husband ask his wife, "If I should die first would you marry again?"
 "Of course," was her reply
 "You wouldn't bring him here to our house?"
 "Of course, it's a perfectly good home."
 "You wouldn't sleep in our bed?"
 "Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."
 You wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?" 
 "No, He's left handed!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 An Aggie went to a seminar for new business men and told one of
the speakers that he had started a new douche company and business was
awful.  He said,
 "I have a warehouse full of douches that I can't sell!"
 The man ask if he had pleasing odors...like something good to eat.
 "No, but when I get home I will start on it right away."
 The next year at the seminar the Aggie met the same speaker and he
asked how the business was going.
 "I took your advise about adding odors.  Now I have three
warehouses full that I can't sell!"
 "For heavens sakes what odors did you add?"
 "Tuna and Salmon!" 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man walked into his favorite bar (ouch!), and ordered his
favorite drink. He noticed that the bartender looked confused.
 "What's the matter, Fred", the man asked.
 "Well, I'm trying to think of a new name for the bar".
 "How about 'Fred's Place'", the man suggested.
 "No, that's too traditional".
 "What about 'The Place'", suggested another barstool-sitter.
 "Well, that's a bit to progressive.  It needs to have pizzazz,
appeal".
 "I know", said the man,"How about 'Lu Lu's Legs'".
 "Perfect!"Cried Fred.
 The next day, the man went to Lu Lu's Legs.  The bar was closed,
doors locked, as Fred was putting up the new sign.  A passing priest
saw the thirsty man waiting and asked,"What are you waiting for, my
son?"
 "I'm waitin' for Lu Lu's Legs to open so I can get a drink".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A concerned patient visited his physician and asked him if 
masturbation was harmful.
 "No," the doctor said. "Not if you don't do it too often."
 "How about three times a day?"
 "That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get yourself a girl?"
 "I've got a girl", the patient said.
 "I mean a girl you can live with and sleep with."
 "I've got one like that."
 "Then why in heaven's name do you masturbate three times a day?"
 "Oh," said the patient disgustedly, "she doesn't like it during 
mealtimes."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The curvy little coed in the tight-fitting cashmere sweater
wiggled up to the professor after class and murmured in a honeyed
voice, "I'm afraid I didn't do very well on that quiz today, professor. 
But I'll do anything to pass this course.  Just anything!"
   The professor raised an eyebrow.  "Anything?!?"
   "Uh-huh," she cooed.  "Anything you ask."
   "Then study," he said dryly.
