The Stars And Stripes Forever!
As told by a not-quite-middle-aged-married-man!

 Now, the other day my wife and I were invited to a fancy dress
party.  On the nite of the party, just as we were getting into the car,
my wife made a rather annoying comment about my costume, convincing me
to promise to change the costume BEFORE we got to the party --- which
was barely a mile up the road.
 The costume theme was based on movies.  Everyone was to go in a
costume to remind people about a particular movie or character.
 Since she was going to help with the refreshments, she left then.
 Unfortunately, she had left with BOTH sets of house keys on her
person, leaving me with NO way to get into the house --- or getting a
set of keys to the 2nd car (those keys were INSIDE the house as well).
 Now, this itself wasn't much of a problem, as I could always walk
up to the party (not a long walk at all, as I've mentioned) and get the
keys from my wife.  However, it did leave me in the position of having
to assemble a costume from whatever was on hand in garage. Which is to
say, not much.
 After a bit of searching, all I could come up with was a patch of
leather, and some clear plastic.  Now, I first thought about removing a
strip from the back of my pants and substituting a strip of the clear
plastic.  I could have gone as one of my favorite movies "Rear Window",
or maybe (on a good day) "Smiling Through".
 However, that seems a little inappropriate.  I looked at the
leather and remembered how well I used to like all those Tarzan movies
when I was a child.  I quickly made a loincloth from the leather (which
was a little on the old and hard side) and, making sure it was not
going to "ride up" or reveal something it ought NOT to, put it on.
 As it later turned out, deciding on the leather loincloth/Tarzan-
movie them was my 1st mistake.
 Seeing as how I was in a fairly skimpy costume, I decided I would
NOT walk along the main roads to the party, but cut across the fields
between the homes.  This, it turned out, was my 2nd mistake.
 It was already nearly sunset when I set out.
 About half-way there I was spotted by what I took to be a bull,
who started chasing me.  Now, I immediately started to run, but soon
found myself being constricted (a polite word which doesn't adequately
described JUST how uncomfortable I soon felt) by the leather loincloth. 
The faster I ran, the more it seemed to constrict, and the closer the
bull seemed to get.  I began to get a VERY good appreciation as to how
Tarzan always produced those spectacular yells...
 Eventually, I decided that the only way I would be able to outrun
the bull was to remove the loincloth and continue to run.  So I ripped
off the loincloth, threw it at the bull, and managed to lose the bull
only a few seconds before I burst thru hedges into the party stark
naked, gasping and panting for breath, and covered with a fair number
of scratches and scrapes (from running directly thru the hedges, rather
than going thru one of the gates).
 Now, many of the party-goers thought this WAS my costume, and I
got some rather complimentary guesses as to what I was supposed to
represent.  Guesses such as "The Greatest Show On Earth" and such.
 Unfortunately, MOST of the guesses were uncomplimentary and some,
quite frankly, were a little insulting.
 I wasn't impressed with "Pink Panter", but even worse were "Much
Ado About Nothing", and "The Incredible Shrinking Man".  One REAL movie
goer really hurt my feelings with "Wee Willie Winkie".
 Now, it wouldn't be so bad, and my wife would still be talking to
me, if ONLY my picture had not appeared the following day in the local
Times.  It seems that one of the neighbors thru whose back field I had
run, had snapped a picture of me JUST as I was ripping off my Tarzan
Loincloth  --- and that what I had taken for a bull in the near dark
was NOT, after all, a bull at all.
 But, there, on page 2, was my picture.  Much of me shown, with the
loin cloth in one hand just as I was throwing it away, with the caption
reading :
 "This Tarzan Strips For Heifer".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happy Fun Ball
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Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid
prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.

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rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.

Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.

Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
*Itching
*Vertigo
*Dizziness
*Tingling in extremities
*Loss of balance or coordination
*Slurred speech
*Temporary Blindness
*Profuse sweating
*Heart Palpitations

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter
and cover head.

Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special
container and kept under refrigeration...

Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any
and all liability.

ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance
which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is
also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Happy Fun Ball

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Data-Processing-Information-Services Director/Manager's
Guide to Personal Survival.

Go placidly amid the politics and decision making, and remember what
peace there may be in the silence of your own office.

(Remember, too, that if all else fails, there is always an educational
course going on somewhere, set in salubrious surroundings - a course
you may justifiably attend and for which the organization will pay.)

As far as possible, do not believe in miracles, but learn to rely on
them. Speak convincingly when in doubt, and when in trouble, delegate.

Listen to others, for the dull and ignorant, sometimes even your own
staff, have the inside information.

Keep interested in your own career, and take note of other people's
mistakes, however mighty or humble, for they can be a real possession
in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your affairs, for the organization is full of
trickery. Remember that there is virtue in only giving verbal orders,
never committing to storage accessible by others any writings that
could ever conceivably be held against you.

Be yourself. Do not be cynical about profits, for in the face of all
trends and economic indicators, governments, revenue authorities,
financial controllers, accountants and auditors, you know that with
careful programming, they can be as perennial as grass.

Nurture the strength of spirit to shield yourself from divisional
cut-backs, but do not distress yourself with imaginings. Even if you
are, as you know, only moderately  able, you should have allowed for
them in your carefully inflated forecasts. What else are spread sheets
for ?

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering your
naivety.

Many fears are born of overwork and exclusion from seemingly important
meetings. Should this be troublesome to you, you can always join the
local computing society and become its president: after all everyone
else has. This will impress those set in authority, and will ensure
that you will never have the agony of having to go through a solitary
decision again.

Beyond a wholesome salary indexed to at least the rate of inflation and
guaranteed in your contract, and also an inflation-proofed pension, and
control of a reasonable expense account - where you define what is
reasonable - be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the organization, no less that the directors, your
fellow executives, the union representatives and your staff.

You have a right to be here, and whether or not it is clear to you, no
doubt the structure is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with your superiors - whoever you conceive them
to be, and whatever your actual (as distinct from theoretical) labors
and aspirations. In the noisy confusion of the organization's life,
keep peace also with your co-workers and those set under you.

Do not forget that with all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams, the
organization can still be a never-ending source of increased real
income.

Be seen with enough of the right fellow senior executives in enough of
the right meetings and important places: this indicates you are pulling
your weight.

Strive to look modest but important, for however old the rule may be,
it still has the mark about it of truth enshrined: an ounce of image is
worth a pound of performance.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now I lay me down to rest,
A pile of books upon my chest.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I have to take!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What would happen if God had to do it all over again?

AND GOD SAID:

"IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH." He was then faced
with a Notice of Violation and a class action lawsuit for failing to
file a Part A notification and an environmental impact statement with
HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed
agency dedicated to keeping the Universe pollution free.

God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the
project, but was issued a "cease and desist" order on the earthly
portion, pending further review by the HEPA.

Upon completion of His construction permit application and
environmental impact statement, God appeared before the Heavenly
Environmental Protection Commission to answer unresolved questions
regarding His application.

When asked why He began these projects in the first place, God simply
replied that He liked to be "creative." This was not considered
adequate reasoning; and God was required to substantiate this further.

HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth, since "THE EARTH
WAS VOID AND EMPTY, AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE DEEP." And
God said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT." He really should never have brought up
this point, since one Commission member was very active in the
Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, stating "How was light to be
made? Would it be a nuclear-powered or coal-fired generating plant?
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? Air
pollution? Universal warming?" God explained that the light would come
from a huge ball of fire. No one on the Commission really understood
this, but it was provisionally accepted assuming (1) there would be no
smog or smoke resulting from the ball of fire, (2) a separate burning
permit would be required, and (3) since continuous light would be a
waste of energy, it should be dark at least one-half of the time. And
so God agreed to "DIVIDE THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS, AND HE CALLED THE
LIGHT 'DAY', AND THE DARKNESS 'NIGHT'." (The Commission expressed no
interest with in-house semantics.)

When asked how the earth would be covered, God said "LET THERE BE
FIRMAMENT MADE AMIDST THE WATERS, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE WATERS FROM THE
WATERS." One ecologically radical Commission member accused Him of
double-talk, but the Commission tabled action since God would be
required first to apply for a "firmament" permit from the ABLM (Angelic
Bureau of Land Management), would be required to obtain water permits
from the appropriate agencies involved, and further, insure that
construction of any firmament would result in no net loss of wetlands.

The Commission asked if there would be only water and firmament, and
God said "LET THE EARTH BRING FORTH THE GREEN HERB, AND SUCH AS MAY
SEED, AND THE FRUIT TREE YIELDING FRUIT AFTER ITS KIND, WHICH MAY HAVE
SEEN ITSELF UPON THE EARTH." The Commission agreed to this, as long as
only native seeds were to be used.

About future developments, God also said "LET THE WATERS BRING FORTH
THE CREEPING CREATURE HAVING LIFE, AND THE FOWL THAT MAY FLY OVER THE
EARTH UNDER THE FIRMAMENT OF HEAVEN." Here again, the Commission took
no formal action, since this would require approval of the Game and
Fish Commission, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and
the Audubongelic Society.

It appeared that everything was in order until God said that He wanted
to complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised by the
Commission that His timing was completely out of the question. HEPA
would require a minimum of six to nine months to review the permit
application and environmental impact statement, and then there would
have to be a 45-day public comment period followed by public hearings.
After any and all public comments were considered, it could feasibly
take 12 to 18 months before a permit could be issued.

And God said, "THE HELL WITH IT!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This guy who was sitting in a piano bar minding his own business,
nursing his drink and listening to the piano player, who wasn't very
good, butcher all his favorite tunes.
 And when the Professor had about reached the end of his set, he
released a monkey dressed in a little red suit and carrying a tin cup,
who came up to each patron asking for a contribution to the kitty.
 When he came up to our guy, the man looked at the monkey, and
hearing how the piano player was butchering 'My Funny Valentine,' he
shook his head 'no.' The monkey, not about to take that for an answer,
shook its 'yes.' And it turned into a confrontation - no - yes - no -
yes - no.
 Finally the monkey, tired of all this, gave him the 'freeway
salute' with his middle finger, unbuttoned the fly of his little red
suit and loosed a stream into his cocktail.
 Well, the patron was furious. He lunged for the monkey, who fled
chattering with laughter, and then headed across the room with blood in
his eye and said to the piano player. "Say, do you know your monkey
took a leak in my martini?
 "No," said the piano player. "But whistle a few bars and I'll see
if I can play it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A few George Burns "one liners"

Reporter: So you still go out with younger women??

Burns: Everyday.

Reporter: And smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day?

Burns: Yep.

Reporter: And you still have a couple of drinks at night?

Burns: Everynight.

Reporter: And what does your doctor say about this...??

Burns: Oh, he's dead...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NUTS BEHIND THE WHEEL

 In 1989 Pope John Paul II announced two new sins: bid driving and
speeding. He told Italian auto club members who attended his weekly
audience that reckless drivers will have to answer to God "not only for
hazardous actions that endanger one's own and other people's lives, but
also for ignoring road security regulations."

 After cleaning streets for twelve straight hours, a Chicago
snowplow operator stopped for dinner and a few drinks, then climbed
aboard his plow and went on a rampage. After striking parked cars for
several blocks, he drove onto an expressway and began hitting moving
vehicles. When traffic in front of him stopped, he backed up over a
Cadillac, crushing one of the occupants to death. Several other people
were injured, none seriously. "I hate my job," Thomas Blair shouted
after he was pulled from the plow. "I want to see my kids. I hate my
job." As many as 100 people complained to police that the plow had
struck their cars. Police discounted many of the claims saying the plow
had struck only 31 vehicles.

 In Lusk, Wyoming, a 76-year-old woman whose license expired in
December 1982 was arrested five times in the following five for driving
without a license. She had failed the eye exam required for renewal,
which officials said she could have passed by wearing corrective
lenses. She refused insisting that eyeglasses were "a communist plot.
Commies will land here someday and control everybody by taking away our
glasses."

 At a pretrial hearing in Mexico City for two bus drivers charged
with deliberately backing over and killing a women and a girl they had
injured, Judge Jaime Gallegos pointed out that many bus companies tell
their drivers to make sure they kill any pedestrians they hit because
it is easier to defend charges filed by police than by surviving
victims.

 When New Jersey Transit bus driver James Coley stopped to adjust
his mirror in East Rutherford, Lisa Askins pulled her Sansoria
Transportation Services bus alongside and accused him of cutting in
front of her. Coley denied it and continued on his route. According to
riders, Askins followed and tried to force Coley off the road while the
loaded buses were going about 40 mph. When Coley, 54, finally stopped
to pick up a passenger, Askins, 24, pulled in front of him, blocking
his bus and three lanes of morning rush-hour traffic. She got on his
bus and the two brawled until police, attracted by the traffic jam,
arrived.

 A 1986 study by Florida's Department of Transportation, noting
that fatalities involving drunken bicycle riders had doubled since
1981, traced the increase to drivers who had lost their licenses under
the state's tough drunken driving law and taken to riding bicycles. 

 George North of Cupertino, California, was celebrating a San
Francisco 49er's victory by riding a trash bin with rollers down an
exit ramp at Candlestick Park when the bin crashed into a cement
retaining wall, flipping the 39-year-old fan off an upper level of the
ballpark. He fell 42 feet to his death.

 In Los Angeles, 48-year-old Giuseppe Logreco drove his car into a
dentist's office, pinning a patient against the receptionist's desk.
Logreco told police he was upset because he had been trying for a month
to get an appointment.

 A Polish bus driver supposed to be carrying American journalists
from Warsaw to Vinius in Soviet-occupied Lithuania headed instead for
the Ukraine. The driver explained it was the only region for which he
had a road map.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Three guys were driving in a car when it broke down near this
farm. Since there was nothing for 30 miles, they decided to ask the
farmer if they could spend the night there. He said they could, but
that one would have to sleep with the cow, one with the pig, and one
with his eighteen daughters.
 The next day when they were eating, the farmer asked the first guy
how he slept. The guy said he felt like a cow because he slept with a
cow. The second guy said he felt like a pig because he slept with a
pig. When the third guy was asked, he said, "I feel like a golf ball".
The farmer and his two friends said, "Why?". He then said, "Well, what
would you feel like if you went in and out of 18 holes?!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unix support headlines

(These went over well last year, so I kept a list for this year.)

I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it
on an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each
call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call
is in their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.

Spelling errors can happen.

 "The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
 "Air message on consol"

Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:

 "Cannot get into the library"
 "Runaway process boards"
 "Terminals need to be brightened up"
  ...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
 "Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
  ...calling from your car phone?
 "Does not see the boot"
  ...check the end of your foot.
 "Terminal has no cursor and making a high pitch wine"
  ...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
 "Cannot get into Telnet"
  ...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
 "Constant memory vaults"
  ...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
 "X's and O's on terminal"
  ...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
 "Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
  ...someone call a physicist, their system is losing its mass!
 "Bust fault and reset of system"
  ...can the hardware guy install a bra?

There is some hardware we just don't support.

 "Install wife terminal"
 "Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
 "Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
  ...contact your chiropractor.
 "Actuary on printer is out"
  ...are they at an insurance company?

This is clearly NOT a software problem.

 "Trouble with electrical smell on system"

This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:

 "When logging on, getting overthrow signal"

Similarly:

 "Warning regent table overthrow"

Here's a stumper.

 "EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"

Users may get a little fed up.

 "Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
 "Too much paper during printing"

Sometimes, you just have to wonder...

 "Getting a parody error"
 "If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
 "Having ahard disfailure"
 "Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
 "Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
  ...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
 "Questions on fox based software"
  ...those animals really do understand relational databases!
 "Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
  ...oh, your console is upside-down.
 "Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
  ...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
 "Kill process logs users off system"
  ...it does tend to do that.
 "Question on repetitioning the disc"
  ...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
 "Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
  ...please, don't network under the influence.
 "UPS DOWN"
  ...and down is up, right, sir?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Milwaukee School of Culinary Arts Presents:
Cooking with Jeffrey Dahmer

On sale for a limited time only. Just 19.95 plus shipping and handling.

This is the latest work from the author whose other credits inclide: "A
Farewell to Arms", "How to get a head in refrigeration", "Shortcuts to
becoming a Head Chef", "How to cook with Heard and Soul".

Now you can make the finest in old-fashioned "Milwaukee Style" cuisine
in your own home! Among Jeff's favorites are these timeless mouth
watering classics...

Andy Bars                      Apairaguts
ART's Choked Heart             Aunt Jemima Pancakes
BABY Back Ribs                 Baked Alaskan
Beans and Frank                Bill On The Grill
Biscuits and Gary              Bob's B-B-Q Ribs
Brownknees                     Chicken a la King
Chicken With Penis Sauce       CHUCK's Roast
Elbow Macaroni                 Eyesburg Lettuce
Eyescream                      Fillet O'FRED    
Finger Sandwiches              Fruit Compote
Ham and Ben Soup               Handburger
Head Lettuce                   Heartichokes
Icebox Surprise Pie            Irish Stew
Johnson-Bill Brats             Kidney Pie
Leg O'Sam                      Manwich
Mixed Nuts                     Moo Goo Guy-In-A-Pan
Oscar Meyer's Wiener           Penis Butter Sandwich
Peteloaf                       PETER Bread
Pork Lo Men                    Rice-a-Ronnie
Roast Of Chuck                 Rump Roast
Sam'N Cheese sandwich          Samburgers
Sauerkraut & His Sausage       Screamin' SAMMY Sausage
Shish-K-Bob                    Sloppy Joe's
Spaghetti and Pete's Balls     Sum-Yun-Guy
Terry-Aki                      Tex and Mex Chili
Tom, Turkey, and Dressing      Tongue Sandwich
Uncle Ben on Rice              VINCE Meat Pie
Yankee Pot Roast               Scrambled Legs

Plus MANY MANY More!

 This is the book to have when you have a friend for dinner. Expect
some delays in shipment as Dalhmer is under investigation for shipping
ARMS to Iraq. 

To order your copy, call 1-800-HACK-SAW 24 hours a day!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is obviously a lazy artists law:
-Never draw what you can copy,
-Never copy what you can trace,
-Never trace what you can cut out and paste.

The law of long line ups.
-Out of two long lines, you'll pick the slower one,
-When you switch to the faster of the two lines, it slows down,
-When you switch back to the other line, everyone gets mad at you!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if your female friend is flat chested?
 1. She uses suspenders to hold up her bra.
 2. When she lays on the floor naked, it looks like the green on a
    golf course.
 3. She's employed by a paint store as a wall paper demo.
 4. She buys her bras in the kiddie section of the store.
 5. Gauze bandages support her just fine.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
Hackers do it with bugs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anxiety, n.:
 The first time you can't do it a second time.
Panic, n.:
 The second time you can't do it the first time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 My wife said to me, George, it is about time that you learned to
play golf , you know, golf, that's the game where you chase a ball all
over the country when you are too old to chase women.
 So, I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to
play. He said, sure, you've got balls, haven't you? I said, yes, but
sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find. Bring them to
the clubhouse tomorrow he said and we will tee off. What's tea off, I
asked? HE said, it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the
clubhouse. Not the barn somewhere. No, no, he said, a tee is a little
thing about the size of your little finger. Yeah, I've got one of
those. Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on
top of it. I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you
stood up and walked around. You do, he said, You're standing up when
you put your ball on the tee.
 Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too
far, and I said so.
 He said: You've got a bag haven't you? Sure, I said. He said, your
balls are in it, aren't they? Of course, I told him. Well, he said,
can't you open the bag and take one out? I said, I suppose I could, but
damned if I was going to. He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag,
but I told him, no, I'm the old fashioned type.
 Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty
years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so. He said,
you take your club in both hands folks, I knew right then he didn't
know what he was talking about. Then he said you swing it over your
shoulder. No, no, that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking
about. He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought I
said, "in two fingers". He said that wasn't right and got behind me and
put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me
how. He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the
Navy for nothing.
 He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar,
I said I could well imagine. Then, he said, and when you're on the
green, what's the green, I asked. No, then you take your putter, what's
the putter, I asked. That's the smallest club made, he said. That's
what I've got, a putter. With it, he said, you put your ball in the
hole. I corrected, you mean the putter? He said, the ball, the hole
isn't big enough for the ball and the putter. Well, I've seen holes big
enough for a horse and wagon. Then he said, after you make the first
hole, you go on to the next seventeen.
 He wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell. You
mean he said you can't make eighteen holes in one day? Hell no, it
takes me eighteen days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when
I'm in the eighteenth hole? He said, the flag would go up.
 That would be just my luck.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Texan driving through Chicago gets hungry and stops at a Jewish
delicatessen. He walks in and announced, "Boy, I'm mighty hungry. Now I
don't know nothin' 'bout Jewish food so you just bring me some good
Jewish food and a heap of it."
 So the waiter serves him quite a little feast and the Texan eats,
well, like a hungry Texan. When he's done he says to the waiter, "Boy,
that sure was good. Now that soup, that was good soup. What do you call
that soup?"
 The waiter answers, "That was Matzoth Ball soup, Sir."
 "'Zat so?" replies the Texan. "Now, tell me, what other parts of
the Matzoth is good for eatin'?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A little guy walked into his regular bar and went to sit down at
his regular seat, but there was a huge oriental fellow sitting there.
So he tapped him on the shoulder and kindly asked him to change seats.
The oriental man didn't budge. So the little man slapped him on the
back and ordered him to move. CRASH, BAM, BOOM!
 The next thing you know, the little man was unconscious on the
other side of the bar. The oriental turned to the bartender and said:
"When he awakes, tell him that was a karate chop from Korea"
 The next day, the little man came back to the bar only to find the
same oriental man at his seat. He asked him once again to move. CRASH,
BAM, BOOM!!!!
 The next thing you know, the little man was unconscious on the
other side of the bar. The oriental turned to the bartender and said:
"When he awakes, tell him that was a Roundhouse from Japan"
 The next day, the little man walked into the bar and once again
the oriental was sitting in his seat. He tapped him on the shoulder and
asked him to move. CRASH, BAM, BOOM!
 The next thing you know, the oriental man was unconscious on the
other side of the bar. The little man turned to the bartender and said:
"When he wakes up, tell him that was a Crowbar from Simpsons."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The princess' father (the king) decided it was time for his
daughter to get married. So he proclaimed that whichever prince from
the neighboring kingdoms wanted to marry his daughter, should come to
the castle on a particular day and receive a "quest" from the king to
see who would be worthy.
 The appointed day arrives and three princes arrive at the king's
throne room. The king looks at them and says, "As most of the people
through out the land know, I love ping-pong. But the balls are
devilishly difficult to get in this day & age. So whichever of you men
brings me the most ping-pong balls, will have my daughter's hand in
marriage,"
 So the three princes depart. 3 weeks later, one prince returns and
has over 5000 ping pong balls with him. 4 weeks after this, prince 2
returns and has over 10,000 ping pong balls with him. 4 more weeks pass
and no sign of prince number 3. The king decides to wait 2 more weeks
but, alas, still no prince.
 So the banns are published and the proclamation is made that the
princess will be wed to prince number 2.
 The day of the wedding arrives and the prince and princess are
about to be wed when there is a great commotion outside the castle. The
wedding party is surprised to see this bedraggled, bloody, figure
coming toward them with two hairy medicine balls on his shoulders. The
king recognizes him as the third prince! "Alas, my dear boy, we had
given you up for dead! Where, pray tell, are the ping pong balls?"
 "Ping pong balls? I thought you said King Kong's ...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Little Tommy asked his Mom if he could take their dog Snowball for
a walk. Since the dog was in heat the Mom wasn't too keen on the kid
walking the dog. She tried to dissuade him but failed. Finally she
said, go ask your Dad.
 Tommy went out to the garage and asked his Dad. Dad knew the
problem but thought he had the solution. He took down a can of gasoline
and doused the back end of the dog figuring that would keep the other
dogs away.
 Tommy watched with a puzzled look on his face then asked, "What
did ya do that for Dad?"
 "Oh, I just gassed her up for the trip."
 Tommy and Snowball took off at a run. About two hours later Tommy
slammed in the kitchen door in search of milk and cookies.
 Mom said, "Where's Snowball?"
 "Oh, she'll be along in a few minutes. She must have run out of
gas, cause there's another dog pushing her up the hill."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Mr. Wojohowitz had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty
years suggested one day, "why don't we take a cruise for a week and
make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"
 He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and coat and went
down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked
for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
 Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "you
know dear, I've been thinking it over and I see no reason why we
couldn't manage a month long cruise so we could relax and make wild
passionate love like we did when we were young."
 He smiled, turned around and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped
up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of
condoms.
 Upon returning back home his wife met him on the porch with a big
smile on her face.
 "Max, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are
all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the
world."
 "I'll be right back," he said.
 Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy
counter the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Mr. Wojohowitz
sheepishly ordered 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of
boxes of condoms.
 The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order then
passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr.
Wojohowitz, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I
certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, WHY DO YOU
DO IT!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you have been working with young children too long when:

While riding on the city bus, you announce as you get off "the left
 side was better behaved than the right side"

The new vice-principal says, "Hi, you taught me in grade 3"

When the bank cashier points out that you printed your signature

You tell your bridge partner to sit up straight

The band leader asks for requests from the audience and you yell out
 something by Sharon, Lois and Bram.

You tell your dinner guests to put their hands on their heads when they
 are ready for dessert.

Before dinner company comes, you sharpen all the pencils in the house
 and cut the serviettes in half.

You print the invitations to your daughter's wedding.

You don't begin speaking at a party until everyone is quiet.

People begin to finish your sentences for you because you can't think
 of a small enough word to use that everyone will understand.

You plan your March break around report cards that you need to write.

You ask the people beside you at the movie theatre about the movie to
 make sure they're watching.

Anytime you hear ex-student names like Jason, Jonathan or Jennifer,
 your blood pressure begins to rise.

Someone asks you the name of the person you admire most and you name a
 character from Winnie-the-Pooh.

One of your students mistakenly calls you Grandma, instead of Mommy.

While reading the latest novel, you make a list of good questions to
 ask.

The ditto ink on your fingers doesn't come off anymore.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A bacon and egg breakfast illustrates the difference between
involved and committed. The chicken was involved. The pig was
committed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Had a funny experience last week, I took one of my co-workers to a
motel after work for some hot and heavy sex !
 Well after we had finished making love I fell asleep, when I awoke
I discovered it was rather late and needed to get home to the wife.
 So I rushed to get dressed and the young lady kept telling me she
had good news and bad news to tell me.
 I told her I didn't have the time so tell me the good news and
I'll be on my way home.
 So she said the good news was " your 2 inches longer than Magic"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MICHELANGELO VIRUS HYSTERIA SYNDROME

 Mass hysteria about a virus named "Michelangelo" has been
spreading rapidly in MS-DOS-based personal computer users around the
world. This scare is "triggered" each year slightly before March 6,
Michelangelo's birthday. No one is immune... people ranging from
university students to the staff of _Nightline_ have been affected.
 According to various psychologists, the Michelangelo Virus
hysteria is spread though almost any media channel... written,
electronic, oral, computer networks, or on-line services. Once a person
is "infected", he will attempt to automatically spread the hysteria to
every person he sees. The hysteria also corrupts base reasoning and
logic, so loss of common sense is often a symptom. This is unfortunate,
since the hysteria can be eliminated at any time with common sense.
This means that ONCE ACTIVATED, the hysteria cannot be easily removed;
the easiest thing to do is to let it dissipate naturally on March 7.
 There have been numerous known occurrences of this hysteria at the
University of Pittsburgh's campus. This has been caused by saturated
distribution of virus protection and detection software, and repeated
and redundant email messages.
 We advise you NOT to attempt to trick people into believing that
March 6 has already passed in order to avoid the hysteria. (Even though
we tell you about 3 paragraphs later that we tried it anyway.)
 The Michelangelo virus hysteria displays pronounced symptoms,
which makes it easy to detect. Some possible symptoms of this virus
hysteria include, but are not limited to...
1. Running virus-checking runs 6,000 times (per disk.)
2. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
3. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
4. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
5. Photocopying 50,000 flyers and distributing them in every possible
location on campus.
6. Irrational fear/paranoia of or destructive behavior towards
computers. (Pushing them off of rooftops, etc.)
7. Using typewriters.
 In addition, Dr. Ima Quak of the Bureau of Useless and Lame Laws
advises that "we have determined that this hysteria seems to have an
almost annual cycle to it. Perhaps this can help us in detecting it."
 Any person that is not infected and has common sense can also
detect the Michelangelo Virus hysteria.
SOLUTION
 There are many trained psychologists that can detect and/or remove
the Michelangelo virus hysteria. However, these steps are usually not
necessary. The following techniques have been used to combat the
hysteria:
1. Vigorous shaking and/or slapping.
2. Large quantities of cold water (a fire hose, for example.)
3. Avoiding watching _Nightline_.
4. Accurate, brief, and non-redundant information.
 Rest assured that some steps *are* being taken to help prevent
this hysteria. In fact, just yesterday University of Pittsburgh
Chancellor J. Dennis O'Connor approved $82,000 to form a committee to
appoint a committee to call a meeting to look into the matter.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
 Watch for future bulletins.
 If you believe you might be infected with the Michelangelo virus
hysteria, please slap yourself once or twice, and ask someone to hose
you down with a fire hose.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO SAINT PETE...

   Pete Wilson is my Shepherd,
    I shall not Want
   He leadeth me beside still factories
    And abandon Farms,
   He restorith my doubt about the
    Republican Party.

   He anointeth my wages with taxes,
    inflation and pay cuts,
   so my expenses runneth over my income.

   Surely poverty and hard living shall follow
    the Republican Party.

   And I shall work on a rented farm
    and live in a rented house
   Forever.

  Long ages ago, Moses said, "Pack up your Camel, pick up
   you shovel, move your ass, and I will lead you to the
 
     Promise Land.

  5,000 years later, F.D.R. said, "Lay down your shovel,
  sit on your ass, light up a Camel......
  -----------This IS the promise Land---------

  This year, Pete Wilson will TAKE your shovel, SELL your
  Camel, KICK your ass, and tell you that he gave away the
    Promise Land.

   I'm glad I'm an American,
    I'm glad I'm Free...
   But I wish I was a Dog,
    and Pete Wilson a TREE !!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 After being captured buy cannibals, the hunter was stripped and
lashed to a stake in the center of the village. Thereafter, every time
the cannibals had a meal, they went to the hunter, poked him with a
spear, and washed their food down with his blood.
  Following several days of this, the hunter called over the chief
of the tribe.
 "Kill me," gasped the bound man, "eat me," he went on, "but for
God's sake I've had it being stuck for the drinks...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A girl comes into a bar wearing skin-tight jeans. I mean, it looks
like she must have been poured into them. A guy at the bar, hoping to
strike up a conversation, says, "Tell me, Miss, how do you get into
those pants?"
 She says, "Well, you start by buying me a drink!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In a one priest Irish Catholic Parish everybody knew everybody
else. One Saturday a waggish young lad by the name of Timmy went to
confession. The priest after hearing Timmy's sins said - "Timmy, I have
it on good advice that your fooling around with one of the married
women in the parish."
 Timmy protested his innocence but the priest would have none of
it.
 "Timmy" ,he said "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?"
 "No father I hardly know the women!"
 "All right then Timmy, is it Mrs. O'Connell?"
 "Mrs. O'Connell, father she the wife of one of my very best
friends! I would never lay hands on her!"
 "Timmy, this is your last chance, I'm losing my patience, is it
Mrs. O' Hara?"
 "No Father I wouldn't dream of...".
 "TIMMY! I don't want to hear it. You've come to this confessional
and lied to me! I want you to consider the seriousness of this matter
for a month and come back and confess who it is to me."
 On the way out Timmy meets a good friend of his on his way to the
confessional. The friend asks Timmy "Is the Father in a good mood
today.
 Timmy replies "He's in a GRAND mood, he gave me a month off and
three good leads."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A guy goes into a drugstore and approaches the middle-aged woman
behind the counter...(she's got a face on her that makes lemons sound
good)...smiles at her, takes off his shades, leans on the counter and
says "I'd like a dozen condoms, please, miss"....
 She's offended by his casual manner of address..."Don't 'miss' ME,
young man!"....
 "Okay, then make it thirteen"....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Seems there was three friends that always wanted to play golf on a
saturday afternoon but couldn't because of there wives, so one day
after many years they finally get together on the golf course and are
waiting at the first tee when the first guy says:
 I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!
the second guy says That's nothing I had to buy my Wife a new sports
car to get out here today.!!!
 The third guy says boy you guys are sure whipped, I didn't have to
buy my wife nothing.!!!
 They both look at him and how did you manage that?
 HE says it was easy, When I got up this morning I looked her
straight in the eye and said Golf course or Intercourse and she threw
me a sweater and said Take this It's cold out there!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 THE FARTER FROM SPARTA

There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter.
 On the strength of one bean,
 He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart, to suit any occasion.
 He could fart like a lute,
 Like a lark, like a flute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
 He could roar from his rear
 Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
 He'd boom from his ass
 Bach's B-Minor Mass;
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
From an envious German named Bager,
 He'd managed to fart
 The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-Major.

His work ranged from classics to jazz,
With solos from bubbles of gas.
 With a good dose of salts,
 He could whistle a waltz,
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His bass fart, with timbre so rare,
He'd blow with much power to spare.
 But his great work of art,
 His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
 But naught could dishearten
 Our spirited Spartan,
For his wind was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
As he farted it through with a smile,
 Then feeling quite jolly,
 He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, he'd admit,
Though it did not dismay him one bit.
 But his ass thrown aloft,
 He suddenly coughed! . . .
And collapsed in a mountain of shit.

His bunghole was flown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of the farter,
 With a gravestone of turds,
 Where they inscribed the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
     - Anon
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen written on a stall in a mens bathroom:
 My wife follows me everywhere.
Written just below it:
 I do not.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A cop pulls over a motorist who's going down the wrong way of the
Interstate. He evidently had a few too many.
 "Hey, buddy," says the cop, "didn't you see the arrows?"
 "Arrows?" says the drunk, "Hell, I didn't even see the Indians."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 They've already finished making a movie about the William Kennedy
Smith Trial. They call it Bill and Ted's Bogus Adventure!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A guy leaves his place at the bar to go relieve himself. He comes
back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing
very softly. the bar keep approaches the customer and asks what the
problem is.
 "Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the
urinal and put a gun to my head."
 "Jesus christ! what happened?"
 "He told me to give him a blowjob or he'd blow my brains out!"
 "Yeah, then what?"
 "Well, you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 I almost had a girlfriend that was psychic - but she left me
before we met.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 I got a letter from "the old neighborhood" recently, and I learned
that my ex-wife had won a beauty contest!

 Well... not "won" exactly; but she was the Second Runner Up in the
Hulk Hogan Look-A-Like Contest.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Macho Driving in Los Angeles

 Those of you who have been driving in Los Angeles all your lives
are familiar with many of the so-called macho driving techniques.
Drivers from out of state, new to the macho driving scene, are probably
curious as to what these people are up to.  So here are some tips for
macho driving in Los Angeles:

1. You should drive a pickup truck whether you need one or not. It
should be extremely large with lots of blinding yellow fog lights. If
it doesn't have them already, purchase used tires from MX missile
transport trucks (roughly six feet in diameter) and raise the
suspension to allow clearance over the wimps that drive cars. If you
must drive a car, make sure that it couldn't possibly pass inspection.

2. Practice your best scowl. Remember that this is the only expression
you are permitted to show once behind the wheel. So make it as ugly as
possible.

3. Do NOT be intimidated by the weather. It should never affect your
macho driving style. Under no circumstances should you use windshield
wipers. The are for appearance only. If snow has blanketed your
vehicle, clear a peep-hole just large enough to see what's in front of
you. You are not permitted to leave your vehicle to do this, however!
If you can't reach around to the windshield while you are driving, then
put on your defroster and windshield wipers full blast until you can
just see the road.

4. Darkness intimidates wimps! Only use your headlights when its pitch
dark and you see the police. Of course, if you do have those blinding
yellow fog lights, you may use them whenever you see fit. It is also
considered macho if only one front headlight works.

5. Always drive with your right hand on the wheel and your entire left
arm hanging loosely out the window like a slab of meat.

6. Any loose objects in the vehicle may be thrown out of the window
without hesitation (especially macho is throwing out burning objects
like cigars).

7. The only appropriate time to use directional signals, if you must
use them at all, is while you're driving in a straight line down the
highway (you could actually leave them on all the time since nobody
really believes you are going to turn anyway).

8. You must be prepared to yell obscenities at and give the finger to
anything that moves. If you are always prepared, you will beat the
other macho drivers to the punch.

9. In Los Angeles, the road sign YIELD has no meaning, but the sign
STOP means YIELD. A flashing yellow or green light means the same thing
as a YIELD sign, and a flashing red light is the same as a STOP sign.
You must never come to a complete stop unless the vehicle in front of
you comes to a complete stop. Only wimps stop for red lights. So be
sure to blast your horn the split second the light turns green.

10. Driving in the breakdown lane is strongly encouraged. Passing
traffic in the breakdown lane on multi-lane highways is particularly
macho. Driving over the road shoulder or on top of the median strip to
get around traffic should be left to the experienced macho driver.
11. Passing traffic on winding, narrow roads without hesitation will
gain the respect of other macho drivers.

12. Never yield to emergency road vehicles such as ambulances. They
will find a way to get around you (they should never have caught up
with you in the first place).

13. You must master the art of tailgating to become a full-fledged
macho driver. With practice, it is possible to maintain a distance of
two to three inches between you and the vehicle in front of you without
even paying attention! This is particularly confusing to the driver
when you are in heavy traffic. If the driver in front of you tries
something cute like slowing down, jamming on the brakes, or flipping
the lights on and off, be ready with your obscenities and finger.
Remember that you are always in a bigger hurry than the guy in front of
you.

14. Another art to master is that of "cutting off" other drivers. This
must be done with great care when cutting off other macho drivers.
Sometimes it is necessary to wait for the oncoming vehicle for quite
some time before rolling out in front of it, but that is the art. Your
mission is to see the front of the vehicle you're cutting off nearly
hit the ground as it brakes to a screeching halt. Of course, you appear
never to have seen the oncoming vehicle even though you had to wait for
it. You must then be careful not to accelerate until the driver you
just cut off has finished giving you the finger and yelling
obscenities.

15. Sometimes associated with "cutting off" is the ability to close off
gaps in traffic. This is one of my favorite macho-driving techniques.
When you detect a vehicle either trying to pull into traffic or
accelerating towards you in an attempt to get past you, you must adjust
your speed such that the gap in traffic will NOT be there when the
vehicle gets to it. You must anticipate the driver's intention while
nonchalantly altering your speed to intercept. A fun variation of this
technique is to use it to prevent vehicles from getting on or off the
highway. Remember that you must not notice the other driver's
predicament as he/she jams on the brakes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he
decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from
surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty
pleased with the results. However, his wife was considerably less
enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church
and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not
gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed."
 The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was
right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was and
was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to
his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right
if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.
 A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member
of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent
sermon that Merle preached last week. I bet he must really be good at
it! <lewd wink>" And the pastor's wife replied, "Not really. He's only
tried it twice. The first time he lost his hat and the second time he
got seasick."
 [Alternative punch lines include: "He only tried it twice, and
both times he fell off." or "He's one of the worst I've ever seen, but
he seems to enjoy it."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Has your family treated you shoddily? Have they refused to keep
you, feed you, clothe you, educate you, buy you women, drugs, and booze
with no expectation of you doing anything around the house? Have they
yelled at you? Have they called you a slob? Now you can show the
ungrateful scuzz-buckets just what you REALLY think of them!

 Has your boss refused to give you a raise? Has he refused to step
down and give you his job? Have your co-workers ever looked askance at
you? Have they ever laughed at your behind your back or even to your
face? Do you long to make them pay dearly for their slights while at
the same time yearning to get out of this God-cursed horrible life
you're living? With this book you can one-up the swines for good!

 Has society screwed up your life for you to such an extent that
life itself just sucks the big one? Do you want to get back at society
for the raw deal they've given you that makes your existence a living
hell? At last you CAN make a name for yourself and make a final
statement that will live in history!

 Are you firmly convinced that your bladder infection is really the
Big "C"? Are you absolutely certain that the Oncologist is full of it
and that you are actually facing a slow, lingering , horrible painful
death? Isn't it really somehow his fault? And the fault of your family
and friends? Aren't they all just waiting like a flock of damned
vultures for a chance to get at your estate? Get even with them and
take them WITH you!

Here's How:
1001 Ways To Waste Yourself and Those Around You!
by
Col. Jeffrey W. Stanton, MD, PhD., DDs, OD, DOA, (ret)
Published by Random House

 After 10 years in the military, 8 years of doing wet work for the
CIA and SAS followed by 6 years teaching wet techniques for the SAS I
have decided to share my knowledge and skills with the average citizen
who has come to the realization that his or her life just isn't worth
living and that it's time for that dirt nap, but who wants desperately
to wreck the maximum havoc amongst those slime left behind who were the
cause of all his or her problems in the first place.

 Learn how with a minimum of practice to control your gag-reflex,
you can, with common items found around your kitchen, turn yourself
into an amazingly powerful explosive! Undetectable by any methods yet
available, you can safely become a walking anti-personnel device
capable of utterly destroying everything within a 250' radius!

 Discover which calibers, loads and bullet types will cause the
greatest amount of scatter of skull fragments and brain tissue, causing
the most mess and inconvenience to your loved ones. See how with a
little ingenuity to hide the coils of steel wire woven through your
hair and with a few of the previously mentioned household items and one
well placed shot you can turn your head into a remarkably effective
fragmentation grenade.

 Find out where you can but a vast array of weapons. See how you
can become a better tower sniper than the best Eagle Scout ever dreamed
of becoming, and since your objective is destruction without survival,
you can take greater risks with better results than even the finest
trained professional! And, with only a little work you can turn your
clothing into a strong explosive so that when that final hit comes, you
can take the tower with you as well.

 If you prefer subtlety, you can learn all about poisons, be they
air borne, contact, or ingestables. Throw a farewell party that will
put the Jim Jones Koolaide Extravaganza to shame. See how easily it is,
with just a few simple items readily available at your local K-Mart or
other discount store, to grow your own incredibly virulent communicable
diseases! Leave them rolling on the floor!
 All this, and much, much more for the low, low price of only
$19.91 plus shipping and handling.
 You will also receive my latest catalog containing not only those
common household items that are often of great use, but those hard to
find gems as well, like LAWs rockets, many types of explosives,
handguns, rifles, ammunition, reloading supplies, etc. Many items do
not require a Federal Firearms License and there are lots of loopholes
in the 1968 Gun Control Act, so shipping is usually no problem! Of
course if you happen to be in Freeport, you can just come on by the
store and take immediate delivery.

 So don't wait another minute! Call it quits AND get back at them
now! Act today!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 My boss needed a report - now. Some of our sales reps had been
selling soap bubbles for less than 25 cents a jar. Expecting foul play,
he wanted to know who was selling them so low and who they were selling
them to. I set out to get this information from the network, but some
jerk had put the sales reps in one file, the customers in another, and
what those customers were buying in yet another one? Is this what they
call a relational database?

 I did what I always do in that situation; I called Amanda, the
only person in the office who understands computers beyond the level of
"double-click on hat icon and something should happen."

 "Of course it's a relational database," she responded to my plea.
"How else do you keep track of sales?"

 "How do I get what I need out of it?"

 She sighed in that patronizing way that comes easy to people who
know why a kilobyte is 24 bytes more than it should be. "You need to do
a query. You have to ask the database for the information you want."

 "Do I have to be nice to it?"

 "Look, why don't you use Congressional Privilege? It's a real
easy, Windows-based query program with a simple, federal government
metaphor."

 "Could you do it for me?"

 "I could, but you 'd never learn that way."

 And so I scrounged up a copy of Congressional Privilege, made room
on my hard disk for another Windows application, and spent the next
half hour answering obscure installation instructions like "What
directory do you keep AUTOEXEC.BAT in?" and "Are you now, or have you
ever been a WordStar user?" When the installation was complete, I had a
new Program Manager window, complete with an icon of the Capitol
Building being used as a spindle.

 Double-clicking on this icon, I brought up Congressional
Privilege. The initial screen was reassuring: completely blank, save
for the usual menus at the top and an icon bar. The icons were small,
but after a bit of staring I was able to make some of them out. One, I
believe, was the presidential seal, another the Supreme Court. One had
me stumped for five minutes before I recognized it as a Patriot
missile. I still didn't know what they did, but at least I knew what
they were supposed to be.

 Loading the various data files proved - appropriately enough -
about as easy as getting a bill through Congress. The first thing the
program wanted was the name of the "data set." Luckily, the
Congressional Privilege documentation included a glossary, and from
there I was able to discover that a "Data Set" is "a set of data." That
was a load off my mind! A half hour of manual-studying later, I'd
discovered that a data set, in Congressional Privilege, is the same
phenomenon that DOS and Windows erroneously call "directories"."
Enlightened and corrected, I named my data set and was able to start
loading the data files.

 To make what database professionals call "a relational query," I
had to define what Congressional Privilege calls an "old-boy network."
Here's how it works: Each file is represented by a congressman icon.
You grab the first of these, the "parent" lawmaker, click on the
defense-factory icon, and drag the factory to the second, or "child"
lawmaker. From then on, the child does whatever the parent wants, thus
keeping the data related.

 So much for theory. In reality, once I'd dropped the factory on my
junior congressman, a dialog box popped up asking me if this was an
outer join, an inner join, an out of alignment join, a one to one, a
one to many, a many to  one, or a many ones to one to many. I don't
want to torture you with the whole story, but suffice it to say that by
the time I'd linked everything to everything else, my screen was
covered with dropped factories and the federal deficit had exploded.

 Of course, all those high-level relationships still wouldn't find
the information I was after. Now that I had networked the old boys, it
was time to define my "special interests," or "filters," as traditional
database programs call them. When I clicked on the dollar sign icon,
Congressional Privilege brought up a dialog box that, in addition to a
text box, contained buttons for digits, buttons for mathematical
symbols (+, -, =, !@$#), and buttons for common monosyllabic words
("AND," "OR," "BUT").

 Feeling that last word best summed up my state of mind, I double-
clicked on "BUT." Instantly, the words "BUT BUT" appeared in the text
box. Sticking to single-clicking, I was eventually able to build a
statement that read "INVENTORY.DESCRIPTION='Soap Bubbles" AND
DETAIL.PRICE .50" I could have typed this statement, of course, but
that would require knowing the syntax, whereas clicking on the various
buttons allowed me to create it with only a knowledge of how the
statement should be structured.

 Once I had my cronies together and my special interests defined, I
pressed the "Election Year" button and waited for my results. There
must have been a filibuster someplace, because it was 38 minutes before
I got them. But I eventually did get them, and I printed them out for
the boss.

 I was at the network printer, looking at my results when Amanda
walked by and glanced over my shoulder. "Are you going to give that to
the boss?" she asked.

 "Sure. Why not?"

 "It looks dreadful," she answered. "It's just a running table in
Courier. Look, what you need is a good database publishing program. Why
don't you use PowerTie. It's real easy, with a simple,
dress-for-success metaphor."

 I don't remember how the conversation ended.

       Copyright 1992 Lincoln Spector.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Here's a story a guy in my guard unit told me about a co-worker at
NASA. Seem's that his neighbor has a whole hutch of rabbits in the
backyard. They raised as pets for the kids (no skinning or eating) and
he had a large dog that was kept chained in his backyard. One day the
dog broke his chain and he looked out back to see his dog gnawing on a
bloody dead rabbit. He went out and took the rabbit away and was
worried about his neighbor suing him for damages, so he took the rabbit
inside the house. Next he bleached and cleaned the fur (it was white)
until all the blood was out and then blow dried it. He put it in its
cage and it looked just as if it died of natural causes. later that
day, hehe went out back and saw his neighbors wife looking in the cage.
She screamed and ran into the house. He went over to their house and
talked to his neighbor and asked why she was so upset? He told him that
the rabbit had died. He then played along and said "Oh, so that's why.
Didn't know she was so attached to it." His neighbor then told him that
the rabbit died two days ago, and they had buried it in an elaborate
funeral. They didn't know how it got back into its cage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man walks into the bedroom and sees his wife rubbing lotion on
here breasts.
 "What in the world are you doing?", he asks.
 "If I rub this lotion on my boobs they are supposed to grow.", she
said.
 "Why not use Charman?" he asked.
 She replied "What do you mean?"
 "Well, you been wiping your ass with that for years and look how
big IT is!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMPUTER JONES.

 Not to be confused with CASEY, the famous Railroadin' Man whose
bones we swung a hammer through...but sung to the same tune (Wreck of
the '97):

Computer Jones,
Computer Jones,
Mortgaged his house
For the chips he owns
Jonesy is a Programmin' Man.

They gave Jonesy the problem
By phone at Midnight
Sayin' "What will become of our town?"
"There's a bug in the program which controls the traffic,
And the centralized Mainframe's down.."

Jonesy started right away on his home computer
To emulate the traffic system flow.
He could see at once that the streets were too narrow
So he figured the town would have to go.

He went down to the cellar
Where he kept his worktools
Got some boxes, some wire, and a vice.
Threw it into his car
Drove to the central square
Where he assembled a Nuclear device.

Well, at 8 next morning there was one big mushroom
Where the town and the streets used to be.
Computer Jones saw the flash
In his rear view mirror
With his laptop on his knee.

"Goodbye town," sighed Jonesy as he tapped out his invoice
"Now the congested roads are free."
"Another problem solved by a Computer Consultant"
"And a triumph for technology."

Computer Jones
Computer Jones
Mortgaged his house
For the chips he owns
Jonesy is a Programmin' Man.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A certain Jewish gentleman was having a run of very bad luck. (I won't 
bore everybody with the FULL details, but suffice it to say that his wife
was divorcing him, his Mother-in-law was foreclosing on the mortgage on
his house, his car was re-possessed, and his daughter was getting her
name changed. Not to mention the fact that his business was in the 
process of going bankrupt.)

 He decided to end it all and went to the kitchen to find a carving
knife with which to slash his wrists.

 Just as he was about to carry out this grisly task he realized he
was hungry so he opened the refrigerator (No sense dying on an empty
stomach) and took out a bagel, sliced it in half and buttered it.

 He was just in the process of transferring it to his mouth when it
slipped out of his hand somersaulted several times and landed on the
kitchen floor BUTTER SIDE UP !! (See Law of Selective Gravity above)

 As his kitchen was carpeted with a lovely bit of $100 a yard cloth
of gold, he realized that there must be some extreme significance to
this apparently random fluke of Nature and so, putting his
self-destruction plans on "hold", he grabbed his hat and coat and raced
off to the synagogue where he breathlessly related the whole story to
the Rabbi.

 "Rabbi, d'you think it's a sign from God that my luck is going to
change? Please Rabbi, tell me the meaning of the sign!"

 The Rabbi regarded him carefully and responded thus:

 "My Son, I must consult the Holy Books. I must discuss this with
the learned Men. Put $100 in the collection for the poor and come back
on Tuesday, when all will be revealed."

 He did as he was asked and walked home a lighter and somewhat
happier man.

 Now he was on tenterhooks until Tuesday. He couldn't sleep
wondering about the significance of the Bagel which defied the Law of
Selective Gravity. The hours dragged past slowly until finally Tuesday
morning arrived and he rushed once more to the synagogue.

 "Rabbi! Rabbi! You remember me! The man with the bad luck and the
bagel. Tell me, Rabbi, have you solved the significance of the sign?"

 "My Son, I have consulted the Holy Books and the Ancient Wisdom, I
have discussed at great length with the learned men what happened with
the bagel, and I am sure we have reached the meaning of the sign."

 "Tell me Rabbi! Tell me!"

 "You buttered it on the wrong side, you Schmuck!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Here's a letter which I think everyone should read. It is often
quoted in legal circles as an example of the absurd lengths to which
the American Government will go in following the rules that it sets,
but we can use it for perhaps a better purpose.
 The U.S Defence Plant Corporation, making a routine investigation
of the titles to a proposed plant site in Louisiana, received title
proof as far back as 1803. A legal advisor was not satisfied with this
and wrote for evidence as to prior titles. He received the following
reply from a Louisiana lawyer:

"Dear Sirs:

I note your comment upon the fact that the record of title was sent to
you as applying to the lands under consideration dates only from the
year 1803; and your request for an extension of the records prior to
that date.

Please be advised that the Government of the United States acquired
this territory, including the tract to which your inquiry applies, by
purchase from the Government of France in the year 1803. The Government
of France acquired title by conquest from the Government of Spain. The
Government of Spain acquired title by discovery by one Christopher
Columbus, a resident of Genoa, Italy, traveller and explorer, who, by
agreement concerning the acquisition of title of any lands discovered,
travelled and explored under the sponsorship and patronage of Her
Majesty the Queen of Spain. The Queen of Spain had verified her
arrangement and received sanction of her title by consent of the Pope,
a resident of Rome, Italy, and an ex-officio representative and
vice-regal of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was the son and heir apparent
of the Almighty God from whom he received his authority, and the
Almighty God made Louisiana.
I trust this complies with your request."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   US ARMY AIR DEFENSE SCHOOL
    TACTICS DEPARTMENT
    Fort Bliss, Texas

          Student Handout
          File No. TD4. 39502
            June 1975
 
   COMMUNICATIONS FEEDBACK
   (Operation Halley's Comet)
 
COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICER:
 
Tomorrow evening, at approximately 2000 Hours, Halley's Comet
will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only once
every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in
fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them.
 
In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so
assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of
it.
 
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO THE COMPANY COMMANDERS:
 
By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet
will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men
out in fatigues, then march them to the theater where this rare
phenomenon will take place. Something which occurs only once
every 75 years.
 
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANTS:
 
By order of the Colonel in fatigues at 2000 hours, tomorrow
evening, the phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the
theater. In case of rain, in the battalion area, the Colonel
will give another order, something which occurs once every 75
years.
 
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
 
Tomorrow at 2000, the Colonel will appear in the theater with
Halley's Comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it
rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.
 
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
 
When it rains tomorrow at 2000, the phenomenal 75 year old
General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet
through the battalion area theater in fatigues.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 So my secretary tells me that her boyfriend--who's in the
military--is getting some time off to come visit her.
 "That's nice," I say. "How long is his furlough?"
 "Well," she answers, "It's longer than yours, but not as wide."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It was just after the Revolution in France in 1814, and people
were being executed right and left.
 "Hear ye, hear ye! Today we have a triple feature: an atheist, a
priest, and a computer programmer!" "Huzzah! Huzzah!"
 The executioner said to the atheist, "We're having a special
today: you can go to your Maker face up or face down. What'll it be?"
Atheist says, "I don't believe there *is* a Maker. Send me face down."
So the executioner pulls the lever, and the guillotine drops, but just
before it gets to him, it stops in mid-air. "A *miracle*!" the crowd
shouts! So they let him go free.
 He turns to the priest. "Face up or face down?" "Oh, I'm too
humble to go face up," he says. So they put him in face down, and pull
the lever. It falls, but stops before it hits him. "*Another* miracle!"
the crowd shouts, and they let him go free.
 The executioner turns to computer programmer, asks "Face up or
face down?" "I've always been a curious guy," he says. "Let me go face
up." They put him in, reach over to pull the lever, and he says, "Wait
a minute! I see what the problem is: you've got a kink in that rope up
there."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St.
Peter.
 "Ah", says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let
you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I
notice you've lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME,
you got a little angry and said the "F" word, didn't you?"
 "Yes", says the man," but it was only one time."
 St. Peter: "Well, I've been known to make an exception when there
are extenuating circumstances."
 Man: "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf.."
 St. Peter: "Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a
lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word."
 Man: "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke
lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole,
just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong
club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron..."
 St. Peter: "And THAT'S when you said the "F" word?"
 Man: "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my
life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a
sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path..."
 St. Peter: "You said the "F" word then, didn't you?"
 Man: "Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to
hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green
where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling
real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and
came towards my ball...
 St. Peter: "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?"
 Man: "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the
hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.."
 St. Peter:" YOU DIDN'T MISS THE FUCKING PUTT, DID YOU??"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  ANSWERS TO SIXTH GRADE TEST QUESTIONS:

 1. Strategy is when you don't let the enemy know you are out of
    ammunition, but keep on firing.

 2. By syntax is meant all the money collected by the Catholic Church
    from sinners.

 3. A virgin forest is a forest in which the hand of man has never set
    foot.

 4. New Zealand is a democratic country. They passed a law there
    preventing women from sweating in factories.

 5. The climate is hottest next to the creator.

 6. Henry VIII, by his own efforts, increased the population by 40,000.

 7. Queen Elizabeth was a fat woman. The demands of the Spanish
    ambassador she stoutly refused.

 8. He fought the battle of Worchester on the anniversary of his death.

 9. The Pope declared Luther's writing to be hereditary.

10. What was the cause of the industrial revolution? People stopped
    reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.

11. The Civil War was started by Lincoln signing the Amasculation
    Proclamation.

12. Tell how a city purifies its water. They filter the water and then
    force it back through an aviator.

13. The donosaur became extince after the flood because they were too
    big to get into the ark.

14. Why do we not raise silkworms in the USA? We get our silk from the
    rayon; he is a larger animal and gives more silk.

15. One by-product of cattle-raising is calves.

16. In the spring the salmon ascend the fresh water streams to spoon.

17. There are three heavenly bodies - the Father, the Son and the Holy
    Ghost.

18. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

19. The triangle having the angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
    triangle.

20. A person should only take a bath once in the winter time and not so
    often in the summertime.

21. Describe the circulation of the blood. It flows down one leg and up
    the other.

22. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sets on the
    top and you sit on the bottom.

23. Prevent head colds by using an agonizer to spray the nose until it
    drops in your throat.

24. The stomach is a bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of
    indigestion.

25. A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
    constipated authorities.

26. As she is getting married next month, she is getting her torso
    ready.

27. The men who followed Jesus were called the twelve opossums.

28. Mexico was conquered by Kotex.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real Programmers loath decaffeinated coffee.
Real Programmers smoke 5 packs a day or they don't smoke at all.
Real Programmers started as operators.
Real Programmers code in pen.
Real Programmers simulate Cray functions on a Sinclar 1000.
Real Programmers never use micros. If it were not for mainframe delays
 there would be no time to use the restroom or to talk to the other
Real Programmers. (Doesn't apply if running under Windows)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Two female cabbages are chatting away in the cabbage patch one day
when a male cabbage rolls past. One female turns to the other and says:
 "Look at the slug on that one!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It seems the gentleman had over-imbibed at a party, was heading
home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the
fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one,
so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver
before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more
important matters.
 The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming
back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning
by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. 
 "Are you Mr. _________?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
 "Where you pulled over at ________ last night for driving under
the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
 "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied
that he drove his car home and went to bed.
 "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered
that it was in the garage.
 "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered,
"Sure," and opened the garage.
 Inside was the state troopers car.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  COPS! in the Comp Sci La

COPS: This week: Cops in the Computer Science Lab.
[Music Up:"Bad Boys"]...[Music out]

Narrator: All programmers are innocent until proven guilty.

[Scene: A busy computer room, as seen from over the shoulder of a
police officer. Many people can be seen working busily at terminals]

Cop1: [to programmer in foreground] Hey, Jim, good looking program.
Your structure clean?

Jim: Hey, man, you know I'm clean, off the GOTOs and everything, man...

C1: Great! [walks on]

C2: [Pointing at another programmer and shouting] Hey! On the ground!
Now!

[Programmer2 makes a run for it. C1 catches and grounds him with
standard police tactics]

C2: [looking at now vacated terminal screen] Just as I thought. An
illegal function call. Not a pretty sight.

[Cut to scene two. same room, but some time has passed]

C1: these guys are actually a pretty good bunch. It's the C programmers
you gotta watch for. They can do a ton of damage unless we catch them
early. Corrupt innocent files, senselessly trash systems, you name it.
Just raised in a bad integrated environment, I guess . . .

[Music up, fade to credits]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are reddish
Violets are Bluish
If it weren't for Christmas,
We'd all be Jewish!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up
bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really
wasted...In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the
bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool...
Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he's had just about
enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar.
 He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices
someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow.
This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar,
slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. "JUST
WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!"
 After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back
of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6'10'' tall, pure
muscle...
 He says to the cowboy, "I did, so what do you got to say about it,
boy!!!"
 The cowboy looks back at this guy and says "Oh, I was going to let
you know the first coat of paint is dry."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 So this guy swaggers into a bar, he's got these 2 beautiful ivory
handled bright silver six-shooters on his hips.
 Bartender takes a notice to them and says "Mighty fine lookin'
guns ya got there..."
 The cowboy says "Why thank ya sir"
 The bartender says "Well they look real keen, but do ya know how
to use 'em!?"
 The cowboy says "You bet I do, just watch this!!"
 Wyatt Earp is over in the corner playing "My Old Kentucky Home" on
an upright piano. The cowboy pulls out his right pistol and aims at
Wyatt Earp and fires. Wyatt Earps right garter is blown off of his
right arm. Wyatt Earp doesn't even flinch, just keeps right on playing.
 The cowboy pulls out his left pistol and fires again at Wyatt Earp
and blows his left garter off his arm. Still Wyatt Earp keeps on
playing without a single hitch.
 The cowboy turns his back to Wyatt Earp and aims both guns up and
over his head towards Wyatt Earp and fires again blowing the bow tie
off of Wyatt Earp.
 Wyatt Earp just keeps on playing.
 The bartender says "Hey boy, that was some mighty fine shootin' if
I do say so!" He says to the cowboy, "Ya know what you ought to do
now?"
 The cowboy says "No, what?"
 The bartender says to him, "Well, ya need to go back into the
kitchen area and find yourself a big ol' vat of grease and stick them
guns way down in there to get em' all greased up, 'cause soon as Wyatt
Earp is done playin' the piano he's gonna shove them guns of yours
right up your ass!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This cowboy walks into a bar and is stepping up to a bar stool
when this old guy in his 70's at least steps out and accidentally bumps
into him.
 This cowboy is a real jerk and says to him "Hey old man, watch
where you're goin!!!"
 The old man says "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it..."
 The cowboy looks back again and says to the old man and says "Hey
ya old geezer, can you dance???"
 The old gentleman is taken a little by surprise at this remark and
says, "Well, no not really anymore because my legs aren't that good..."
 The cowboy says "Well, I'll find out if you can dance!!" and
proceeds to pull out his guns and start firing at the old man's feet
making the man jump up and down to avoid the bullets. After emptying
his guns at the feet of the old man he starts getting a good laugh out
of the whole deal and orders a drink from the bartender and sits down
at a stool and starts to drink. 
 After the old man catches his breath a bit, he walks on past the
guy to the other side of the bar and leans down, The old guy comes back
up with this huge double barreled shotgun and walks back around to
where the cowboy is sitting. Before the cowboy can do anything, the old
man sticks the shotgun right up in his face and says,
 "Let me ask you a question wise-ass...you ever drank horse piss?!"
 The cowboy looks back at him and kind of cringes and says, "Well,
actually no, but, deep down I've always wanted to try it..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A elderly British couple were taking a tour of the Australian
outbacks. As they were driving down the road they saw a man screwing a
kangaroo. The lady was upset, so the man went up and complained to the
driver. The driver was apologetic, but explained that it is a pretty
remote area and there are some strange characters. "Well see to it that
there is no more of this smut on this tour" he demanded. A few miles
down the road there was another man screwing a kangaroo. He stormed up
and yelled at the driver again,. The driver apologized" Sorry mate. I
didn't see him until it was too late". About 10 miles down the road
they see the same site a third time. The Brit is adamant that the
driver take a different route where they won't see such perversions, so
the driver took the first turn and headed back to town. Just a mile
down this route there is a man with one leg, leaning against a tree
masturbating. The Brit once again storms up to the driver "See here" he
yells" My wife and I are gentle people. We do not wish to be exposed to
smut and perversion. It was bad enough that we had to see three men
having sex with kangaroos but now you have driven us down here to see a
man masturbating". "What did you expect mate?" replied the driver." The
man only has one leg. How do you expect him to catch a 'roo?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Young Suzette from the far north of Quebec was visiting friends in
Montreal for a week and while she was there she decided to go and see a
gynecologist because she had never been to one before. The doctor had
her put her legs in the stirrups and lift her gown"Sacre Blue" he said.
 "What is the problem doctor" SHe asked.
 "Oh is nothing"
 "But you sounded a little surprised when you looked at my hole. Is
there something wrong with it" she asked.
 "Well not. It is just that it is so......big!" he answered
 "Mon Dieu. What can I do about it" she wondered.
 "OH, is nothing to be worried about. It is just so large"
 " BUt can you fix it up? she asked.
 "Mais non. There is nothing to be done. Nothing needs to be done
It is just fine" he answered.
 Poor Suzette was very worried that she had some sort of problem
and was upset all the way home. When she finally got to her house she
tried to figure out a way to check out her pussy. She got the full
length mirror off the wall and laid it on the floor. She stood over top
of the mirror,straddling it and hiked up her skirt and removed her
panties. Just then, the front door opened and she heard her husband
call" Hello Suzette. How was your trip?" as he came up the steps.
 "Just fine " she answered.
  He stepped into the room." Hey Suzette. Be careful you don't fall
into that big hole"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man walked into Toys-R-U and asked "Does Barbie come with Ken?"
The clerk replied "No, she comes with GI-Joe... she only fakes it with
Ken!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  My grandmother, a very buxom lady in her 80's, called me last week
to see if I would take her out to the Mall. Granny doesn't drive ya
know...and informed me that she needed a new bra. So....off we go the
mall, and into the ladies undergarment dept.
 The sales lady ask's Granny if she could help her.
 Granny tells the lady she wants to buy a new bra.
 The lady asked Granny, "What size?". Granny said, "a 44
long"!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Did you hear the one about the two Polocks who were attempting to
measure the height of a small flagpole?
 They couldn't quite reach the top of the pole, so one told the
other to get down on all-fours so he could stand on his back. He still
couldn't quite reach high enough.
 Just then, a passer-by asked what they were trying to do.
 They explained that they were trying to measure the height of the
pole. The passer-by said "That's no problem." and proceeded to pull the
pole out of the ground. He laid it down, measured it from the top to
the dirt marks where it was buried to, and said "There--see? No
problem!". Then he stood the pole back up into its hole and walked
away.
 One Polock looked at the other and said, "That stupid ass. We want
the height and he gives us the length."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The only thing better than an attorney who knows the law is one
who knows the judge!

 At one time or another we all make what billionaire investor
Warren Buffett calls "the
intelligent-but-with-some-chance-of-looking-like-an-idiot decision."

 A friend of mine recently sued for (and obtained) a divorce
because her husband had hit her with a maple leaf.

 Seems it was the maple leaf from the dining room table.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Grading system for those students you're not so sure about...
A  - Can lift pencil and write name 
A- - Can lift pencil and mark and "x" 
B+ - Can lift pencil but forgot to bring one 
B  - Can't lift pencil and knows it 
C+ - Lost pencil in the sharpener 
C  - Cut finger in sharpener 
C- - Says that he/she has seen a pencil before 
D+ - Has heard of a pencil before 
D  - Doesn't know what a pencil is 
D- - Doesn't care what a pencil is 
F  - None of the above
 Mind you, "C" is supposed to be the average score!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    MORE WEIRD NEWS!

 After spotting Thomas Waddell walking oddly down a Baltimore
street with his pants bulging, police officer Ronald Petie stopped the
25 year old man and found twenty-one live pigeons and five dead ones
stuffed in Waddell's pants. Pettie reported that Waddell "looked like
the Michelin tire ad."

  West Delaware High School in Manchester, Iowa, acted to curb
students' rest-room breaks by requiring students on their way to the
bathroom to wear toilet seats around their necks.

  Margaret Hunter had been trying to get a driver's license for over
twenty years by the early 1970s when yet another try failed because no
one would lend her a car for the test. Her latest instructor had walked
out the week before the test, saying Hunter wasn't ready. Previously,
one instructor had leapt from her car during the test, screaming that
riding with her was 'suicide,' and another flunked her because she made
(on one test) seven false starts, ran a red light, and parallel parked
no closer than 3 feet from the curb.

 Lung-cancer patient George Stickler, 59, couldn't wait until he
was off pure-oxygen therapy before lighting up a cigarette at a
Lafayette, Louisiana, hospital in 1988. The resulting fire gave
Stickler second degree burns and forced the evacuation of several other
patients.

  A government paymaster showed up at the camp of a band of
Cambodian soldiers who had been stranded in a one-year battle and who
had gone four months without being paid. But when it was revealed to
the soldiers that the paymaster had brought no money, they killed him
and then ate his body.

 Gordon and Jasmine Geisbrecht opened a restaurant in a suburb of
Winnipeg, Manitoba, in 1986, called "The Outhouse," built on the theme
of toilets. Toilet bowls were placed among the tables, and a toilet
seat logo appeared on the menus. Health inspectors then forced the
restaurant to suspend operation because it lacked adequate rest rooms.


  A 37-year-old New York boa mechanic was convicted of the 1980
murder of a Long Island man and sentenced to life in prison. The jury
did not accept his explanation that he stabbed his victim seventy-two
times and ran over him with a car in "self-defense."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SOME CLASSIC ADDS!


 As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can
find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the
family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by
hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.

For Sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges,
the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.  Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank.  You'll never regret it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

This is the model home for your future.  It was panned by Better Homes
and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest.  Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month.  References
required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas.  Only $299.  For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses.  50% off!

Holcross pullets.  Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food.  Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.


CLASSIC RADIO ADDS!


Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous
figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed
to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle
with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from
the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Last Supper Skit
by MV;

from Amnesty Gala 'A Poke in the Eye with a Sharp Stick',
1, 2 and 3 April 1976



(An impressive Papal Person sits on a ritzy throne in the middle of a
large Catholic sort of room. We hear a cry of 'Michelangelo to see the
Pope'. An attendant enters.)

Attendant: Michelangelo to see you, Your Holiness.

Pope:  Show him in.

   (Michelangelo enters.)

Michelangelo: 'Evening, Your Grace.

Pope:  Good evening, Michelangelo. I want to have a word with
   you about this 'Last Supper' of yours.

Michelangelo: Oh yes?

Pope:  I'm not happy with it.

Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took hours.

Pope:  Not happy at all . . .

Michelangelo   Do the jellies worry you? No, they add a bit of
   color, don't they? Oh, I know - you don't like the
   kangaroo.

Pope:  ... What kangaroo?

Michelangelo: I'll alter it, no sweat.

Pope:  I never saw a kangaroo!

Michelangelo: Well, it's right at the back, but I'll paint it out, no
   problem. I'll make it into a disciple.

Pope:  Ah!

Michelangelo: All right now?

Pope:  That's the problem.

Michelangelo: What is?

Pope:  The disciples.

Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.

Pope:  No, no - it's just that there are twenty-eight of them.

Michelangelo: Well, another one would hardly notice, then. So I'll
   make the kangaroo into a disciple ...

Pope:  No!!

Michelangelo: ... All right, all right ... we'll lose the kangaroo
   altogether - I don't mind, I was never completely happy
   with it ...

Pope:  That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples.

Michelangelo: ... Too many?

Pope:  Of course it's too many!

Michelangelo: Well, in a way, but I wanted to give the impression
   of a huge get-together ... you know, a real Last Supper
   - not any old supper, but a proper final treat ... a
real
   mother of a blow-out ...

Pope:  There were only twelve disciples at the Last Supper.

Michelangelo: Supposing some of the others happened to drop by?

Pope:  There were only twelve disciples altogether.

Michelangelo: Well, maybe they'd invited some friends?

Pope:  There were only twelve disciples and Our Lord at the
   Last Supper. The Bible clearly says so.

Michelangelo: No friends?

Pope:  No friends.

Michelangelo: ... Waiters?

Pope:  No!

Michelangelo: Cabaret?

Pope:  No!!

Michelangelo: But you see, I like them. They fill out the canvas. I
   mean, I suppose we could lose three or four of them,
   you know, make them ...

Pope:  (loudly, ex cathedra) There were only twelve disciples
and
   our Lord at the Last ...

Michelangelo: I've got it, I've got it!!! We'll call it ... 'The
   Penultimate Supper'.

Pope:  What?

Michelangelo: There must have been one. I mean, if there was a
   last one, there must have been one before that, right?

Pope:  Yes, but ...

Michelangelo: Right, so this is the 'Penultimate Supper'. The Bible
   doesn't say how many people were at that, does it.

Pope:  Er, no, but ...

Michelangelo: Well, there you are, then.

Pope:  Look!! the Last Supper is a significant event in the
   life of Our Lord. The Penultimate Supper was not ...
   even if they had a conjurer and a steel band. Now I
   commissioned a Last Supper from you, and a Last
   Supper I want!

Michelangelo: Yes, but look ...

Pope:  With twelve disciples and one Christ!

Michelangelo: ... ONE !?!

Pope:  Yes - one!

   (Michelangelo is momentarily speechless.)

Pope:  Now will you please tell me what in God's name
   possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it?

Michelangelo: It works, mate!!

Pope:  It does not work!

Michelangelo: It does, it looks great! The fat one balances the
   two skinny ones!

Pope:  (brooking no argument) There was only one Saviour ...

Michelangelo: I know that, everyone knows that, but what about a
   bit of artistic licence?

Pope:  (bellowing) One Redeemer!!

Michelangelo: (shouting back) I'll tell you what you want, mate ...
   you want a bloody photographer, not a creative artist
with
   some imagination!!

Pope:  I'll tell you what I want - I want a Last Supper, with
one
   Christ, twelve disciples, no kangaroos, by Thursday
   lunch, or you don't get paid!!

Michelangelo: You bloody fascist!!

Pope:  Look, I'm the bloody Pope I am! I may not know much
   about art, but I know what I like . . .


Original cast: Michelangelo  -  Jonathan Lynn
      A Pope    -  MV
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Here's to America,
   Land of the push!
     Where a bird in the hand
   Is worth two in the bush.
    "But if, in that bush
   A young maiden doth stand -
     Then a push in the bush
   Is worth two in the hand!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 An elderly grandmother walked several blocks to the community
library.  Once there, she asked the librarian to reserve for her a copy
of the latest racy best-seller novel.
 "I thought you only read history," teased the librarian.
 Without a pause, the grandmother responded, "My dear, *this is
history*!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man walks up to a woman seated at a bar, and says... " I sure
would like to get into your pants..!"
 The woman replies... " I'd like to get into my pants too, know any
good diets!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man and a woman are getting married and they vowed not to have
premarital sex but she was getting really impatient, so every week for
three months prior to the wedding she would ask him if they could do it
and he always said no. Finally three months later they get married and
they board the plain after the ceremony to have their honeymoon in
Florida. By now she was getting very..um..impatient to reach their
destination, then decided that she just couldn't wait any more. "Honey"
she said, "can we please do it now?"
 "Now" he said, "we're still on the plane, there is no where that
we can go to do it!"
 "Please" she begged, "we are married now, don't deny me on my
wedding day."
 "How, where" he asked.
 "Undo your fly" she said and he did, she lifted up her skirt and
"sat" on his lap. She leaned over to the seat in front of her and
asked, are you going to Miami? and sat back down, leaned over the seat
again and asked the next passenger, are you going to Miami? and sat
back down. Then in hysterics jiggled up and down yelling "we're all
going to Miami, we're all going to Miami!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Once upon a time, in a forest, in a land far away, there lived a
simple Woodcutter. He worked hard each day felling trees in the forest
and came home each evening to his wife who was of an unfortunate
disposition. She ranted and raved at him, told him how worthless he
was, reminded him of the wonderful match she could have made with the
Tax Collector in the local village, and general did all the things that
Women who are unhappy do to ensure that their misery is shared by their
spouses.

 One day, he was wielding his axe in the forest when he heard a
small voice crying..."Help! Help! Oh Please, Help Me!" (I suppose it
could have been a Beatles fan, but it was, in fact, an exquisitely
beautiful little fairy who had become trapped under one of the trees he
had felled.)

 The Woodcutter freed the fairy and she spoke to him as follows:

 "Oh thank you kind Woodcutter! I see you are a generous man of
good character and you are therefore granted three wishes, as required
by the Guild of Storybook Fairies since time immemorial".

 "D'you mean I can have ANYTHING I want...?" asked the Woodcutter,
his eyes widening.

 "I think so", said the Fairy. "Hang on a minute, I'll just check."

 She reached into her perfectly formed cleavage and withdrew a tiny
golden book which she read and muttered to herself..."Section 3
sub-para 14.5...recipient can assign said favor to whomsoever recipient
wishes...see limitations under Section 7.....Section 7....where Donor's
life was endangered recipient has NO limitations on favors received,
but see sub-para 32.6 for exclusion clauses in the State of
California....Hmmmmm"

 Finally, she replaced the book and looked up at the Woodcutter
beaming. "Yep, Woody, you can have ANYTHING you want, and you can even
give it to anybody you want!"

 Pausing only to offer the Fairy his heartfelt thanks, the
Woodcutter raced off through the forest to tell his spouse.

 "Wife! Wife! The most amazing thing has happened!"

 She listened suspiciously to his tale and, after smelling his
breath and checking there were no magic mushrooms in his leather pouch,
she said:

 "Are you telling me that we can have ANYTHING we want..?"
 "Yes."
 "O. K. I wish for a Super Electric Cake Mixer, with ALL the bowls
and attachments."
 POOF!SHAZAM!ZAP!
 There stood the Cake Mixer.
 At this, the Woodcutter, for the first time in his life, lost his
temper...
 "You stupid, selfish, ignorant, Bitch!"
 "How dare you waste one of MY wishes on a Bloody Cake Mixer! Oh
Jesus! I wish that stupid Cake Mixer would fly right up your....."
 POOF!SHAZAM!ZAP!
 It took him his third wish to get it out again....!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weird News Jan. 5th

 Pro golfer Homero Blancas once hit a ball out of the rough in a
tournament and saw it hit a palm tree and then lodge in the brassiere
of a female spectator. (Blancas asked fellow golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
what he should do, whereupon Rodriquez reportedly replied, "I think you
should play it.")

 Officials in Jacksonville hired twenty-three people to work the
weekend before Christmas 1989, doing nothing but flushing the 503
toilets at the Gator Bowl to prevent the stadium's water pipes from
freezing.

 A mystery man appeared in Muskegon, Michigan, in 1986 and spent at
least a week giving away $5 and $10 bills on the street corners and
restaurants. The man, described as in his late twenties, wearing a
pinstriped suit and carrying white gloves, walked into a supermarket
one day and paid up the grocery bills for two shoppers. Another mystery
man appeared in Dallas in 1989 dressed in a gorilla suit and gave away
more than $6,000 in $50 bills to people he met on the street. The man
said he did it because "it's a heck of a lot of fun."

 The Federal Aviation Administration fined Larry Walters, 33, of
North Hollywood $1,500 for a July 1982 incident in which he rode a lawn
chair powered by helium balloons to 16,000 feet in the sky. Walters
attached forty-five 6-foot weather balloons to a lawn chair along with
gallon jugs of water to use as ballast. Equipped with a BB pistol, a CB
radio, and a parachute, he had planned simply to rise up into the air,
keeping one ground tether intact. When that line broke, however,
Walters shot up to 16,000 feet, where he was seen by TWA and Delta
airline pilots. Walters called for help on his CB radio and began
shooting out the balloons with his pistol. As he began to descend, some
of the tether ropes pulled down power lines, blacking out part of Long
Beach. His chair was eventually suspended only 5 feet off the ground,
and Walters was able to jump down.

 In 1982 Larry Rogers sat in his laboratory in Jacks Valley,
California, experimenting with grain wastes and a bacterium he thought
would dissolve explosive materials. It didn't work, but Rogers
discovered something better -- bulletproof wheat. He said his compound
could be used to manufacture a broad range of products, among them
lightweight armor, a wood substitute, and pasta.

 Two women giving birth in the Philippine village of Lutayan during
a fire fight between government troops and the Muslim rebels named
their baby boys after weapons used in the fighting -- Bazooka and
Armalite.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The nine types of users

El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but
 now it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages: Provides interesting communication challenges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and
 said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put
 his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come
 to the right place."
Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and
 now it looks all weird."
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without
 meaning to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter
 ratio in WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document
 was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd
 set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.

Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had,
 so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendency to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing
 them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't
 do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before
 realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said,
 "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."

Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and
 formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did
 compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primitive mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scon are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelevant objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their
 disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty
 sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that
 the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up
 until the scon checked four different disks for the missing
 information.

X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite
 impressive, really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in
 graphics technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at
DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my
 laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their
 best to act like they were doing exactly what they wanted to do,
 even though they couldn't log in.

Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a
 guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.' "But I did
 that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scon actually use the word 'horse-
 puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must
 be the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.
Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can
 upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download
 it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in
 three-column format?"
Advantages: Bold new challenges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make
 machines do things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another
 person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his
 target's home system, account name, or real name.

Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like
 this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after
 that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this
 line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this."
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but
 what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well,
 I'm getting to that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's
 shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself
 and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their
 document was 87 copies of the same thing).

Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males)
 "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would
 you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people
 on this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he
 (the user) didn't like it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PREDATOR PARADISE TRAVEL, INC.
A MUGGERS' TRAVEL COOPERATIVE 

 Tired of victimizing the same old crowd? Is it getting too hot for
you to conduct business in your own neighborhood? Ready for a change?
You might want to think about one of our Predatory Travel Co-Op
Packages for muggers and rapists. How does the Predatory Travel Co-Op
work? Simple. One of our consultants will arrange for you to travel to
the city of your choice, acting as a mule, er... "representative" for
one of our "pharmaceutical" clients. You will be provided with a long
layover round trip ticket on a major airline, and during your layover
you are free to mug, rape, pillage, and plunder in a city where you are
a complete unknown -- just evade capture long enough to make your
return flight and you're home free!
 Where should you go? Of course, we offer Predatory Co-Op Packages
to all major hub cities, but for your maximum enjoyment (and minimum
risk) we recommend the following vacation spots: Washington, D.C.; New
York City; Boston, MA; Chicago, IL; Detroit MI; Los Angeles, CA; and
now any major city in Texas!
 Why these particular cities? We've found that cities with
restrictive gun laws are particularly good for predatory travelers,
because the local fauna are, for the most part, unarmed. This enables
our clients to enjoy themselves at minimal risk of life and limb.
Nothing can ruin your vacation quicker than looking down the barrel of
a prospective victim's .38 snubbie! Why not play it safe? Choose to
vacation in a non-threatening environment.
 Of course, if you crave risks and excitement, we offer packages to
Miami, FL, Portland, OR, Seattle, WA and other similar cities, but be
forewarned: since the passage of new concealed-carry laws in these
locations, the risk factor has increased dramatically. It seems the
sheep are tired of being fleeced and are taking up arms in record
numbers. The *nerve* of some people! Of course, our friends at Handgun
Control, Inc. and the National Coalition to Ban Handguns (we
religiously contribute to both organizations) are working on the
problem, but until they've got it under control, we offer these cities
at a special discount rate. (Sorry, no refunds to surviving family
members.)

 Call 1-THE-UNARMED for more information!

A footnote: I read this ad, then thought about living here in Portland,
OR since the state allowed people to get Concealed Handgun Licenses,
and the dramatic drop in street-crimes, muggings, assaults, rapes, and
other violent "personal" crimes (crimes not done against property) have
gone down in double- digit percentages every six months since the law
went into effect on January 1, 1990. It is starting to be a pleasant
city again!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Understanding Tech Support"

#1: So I was talking to this guy, and I'd been on the phone about 20
minutes, and we were getting nowhere. Nothing was working. I finally
asked him, "John, do you by any chance have Windows?"
 "Sure," he said. "There's one right here over my desk. Do you
think THAT'S the problem?"

#2: This nice lady and I were trying to figure why the 5.25-inch
floppy disk drive on her new PC wasn't reading disks. She was new to
PC's, new to disks, new to the idea of phone support.
 She had been trying to set up WordPerfect on the machine's hard
drive, and she couldn't get it to read ANY of the disks in the package.
It was maybe her third call to us. So I finally said, "Look, let's just
go back to square one and start over from the very beginning. Now, take
the first disk out of the sleeve and put it in the drive."
 "I've already done that," she said, kind of peevishly. "I trimmed
right inside the edge of that black sleeve and took this little floppy
thing out, but you know, it's really hard to get it stiff enough to
slide into the drive."

#3: We don't usually do software support, but he'd gotten Works as a
bundle with our machine, so we had to help him get started. But
everything he tried failed; the floppy disk drive just wouldn't read
the Install disk. I figured he must have a bad disk, but he insisted it
worked fine on another PC he'd tried, so he didn't think Microsoft was
going to replace his program disks.
 So I asked him to send me a copy of the disks, so I could see if I
could read it on a machine here. He said he'd send it by FedEx, so we
could solve this fast.
 The next day, I get this FedEx overnight envelope from him, and
when I opened it, a piece of paper with a black square on it fell out.
He'd put the disk on his Xerox machine and made a paper copy of the
disk.

#4: This guy's system came up okay, but he kept saying he was getting
a black screen. I couldn't tell whether he meant a BLANK screen--which
at least meant the hardware was working--or a truly black screen, like
the monitor wasn't coming on.
 So I finally asked him to make sure the monitor was plugged in. He
said it was: The cable ran right from the back of the monitor to that
funny jack on the back of the CPU.
 "And the power cable?" I asked.
 "What power cable?" he said. "You mean I have to plug this thing
into the wall, too?"

#5:  The sales support people had passed this woman on to me. She'd
called in to see if there was any way she could add three or four more
floppy disk drives to her new PC, because she was running out of
storage space.
 I told her there were technical problems with that, and space
problems, too: There just wasn't enough room inside that chassis for
more than two half-heights, plus the full-height hard drive my screen
showed we'd installed in her machine when we shipped it.
 "Well, I've got to do something," she said. "Every night before I
go home, I copy all the files from my hard drive onto floppy disks, and
I've got more files now than I can get onto one floppy."
 I complimented her on her attention to back-up procedures, but I
suggested she really didn't need to be quite that careful: hard drives
are pretty reliable these days.
 "But what's going to happen to those files when I turn the PC
off?" she said. "Don't those files I copy onto the hard drive every
morning go away when I turn the power off?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Boston commuting:

1) The goal of the Boston driver is *not* to arrive first at their
destination. It is to do their part in making the driving experience as
challenging as possible for the other drivers, however much it may slow
their own commute. This is illustrated by those who come to a complete
and total stop, and wait for three clear lanes of traffic, when the
turn they are making feeds into a dedicated lane nobody else can use
anyway. Note that they do not do this unless there is someone waiting
behind them.
2) Note the number one classic technique, the "Mass Pullout". When
pulling into traffic on a busy, undivided, two-way, four-to-eight lane
street from a parking lot or stop sign, it is simply not acceptable to
wait for all lanes of traffic to empty in order to make a smooth entry
onto the roadway. This could slow one down as much as 30-40 seconds.
Life-threatening behavior is clearly justified to avoid the delay. Take
it one lane at a time. When the lane directly in front of you is free,
pull into it, perpendicular to traffic, and stop. Repeat until you have
blocked all lanes in both directions. Then, slowly turn into the
direction of choice, re-crossing as many lanes as possible. Straddle
any two lanes of choice and proceed at 20% of the posted speed limit
until you are passed angrily by one of the people you cut off. Then
tailgate them no matter what speed they go, since the incident was
obviously their fault.
3) Massachusetts invented the traffic rotary. Most Boston techniques
apply here, but remember several special rules when negotiating a
rotary:
 1 - Proceed into the rotary regardless of who may already be in
 that lane, pausing first *only* if there is no one in front of you
 and several people behind you.
 2 - Proceed directly to the middlemost lane in preparation for  
 abruptly crossing the maximum number of lanes when exiting.
 3 - If you want to exit the rotary from the inner "fast" lane and
 are uncomfortable about doing so, simply stop your car. This will 
 cause other people to stop and try to pass you, effectively  
 clearing the lane to your right, allowing you to pull into it at 
 your leisure.
 4 - Remember that only *YOU* have the right of way in any rotary.
 4) Turn signals are a sign of weakness.
5) Misplace your Mass Turnpike ticket, and don't look for it until you
are stopped at the toll booth. Never carry exact change, it's
considered rude. Never pull into the toll lane you appear to have
selected. Always veer two or three lanes to one side or another at the
last minute for no apparent reason. Once you have reached the toll
booth, ask for directions, even if you're not lost. Repeat them back
several times. Do *NOT* follow the directions you are given.
6) If you are driving a rental car, conceal that fact using "WBCN-The
ROCK of Boston" bumper stickers, lest to be identified as a "%@#&*
tourist", which would result in a feeding frenzy and your certain
annihilation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The Lack of a DANCE

Some say it's Gorby, the Shiites, the kooks
Some say it's the generals, their budgets, their nukes,
Some say it's the crimes, the lawyers, the guns,
Some say it's Helms, the Contras, the funds
Some say it's McBride, it's Fuchs, and the rest,
Some says it's God, a query, a test,
Some say it's winter, the weather, the sadness,
Some say it's the crack, bad whiskey, the madness,
Some say it's Larsen, Breathed, Trudeau,
Some even blame Larry, Curly, and Mo,
Some even say it's the CFO,
Some say it's life, the mystery, the blues,
Some say it's the facts, the fantasy, the news,
Some say it's their guts, their backs, or their hearts,
Some say it's most folks, their new tucks and new parts,
Some say it's the fluoride, the radon, the ants,

But we say it is simply the lack of a DANCE,
And the surge that will come from some simple romance,
At a carousal swirling 'round
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Let's see now......A guy comes home from work to find his wife
packing all of her clothes. When asked what she is doing, her response
was "I just found out that I can make $200.00 a night in Las Vegas,
just for having sex!" At which point the husband grabs his suitcase and
begins packing also. The wife says "What are you doing?" to which he
replies: "I want to see how you plan on surviving on $400.00 per year!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JUST CAN'T...

It seems there was this 90 year old man who had recently married 
a pretty and vivacious 25 year old woman.  So this guy goes to the 
doctor for a sperm count to see if he has to use protection or not.  
The doctor cannot believe this, but decides to humor the old man.  
The doctor gives him a jar, and leads him over to the washroom, 
where he tells him to produces a sample. 

A half hour goes by, and the doctor knocks on the door and says to 
the old man, "Having any luck yet?". The old man replies "I'm doing 
the best I can, Doc." The doctor suggests that he try using his 
other hand on it.

Another half hour goes by, and again the doctor checks in on him. 
"I'm doing the best I can, Doc." The doctor says, "Try using both 
hands on it."

Another half hour goes by, and the doctor is getting impatient. He 
turns to the young wife and says "I've got other patients who are 
waiting to see me, why don't you go in there and try to help him. 
Use your mouth on it, or something, but I've got to get that 
sample."

Another half hour goes by, and the old man comes out of the room 
and he's all out of breath, his face is red, he's drenched in sweat 
and his clothes are in disarray. His pretty young wife isn't in much 
better shape. He hands the bottle to the doctor, and its EMPTY.

 "I'm awful sorry, Doc. I tried it with my left hand, and it didn't 
work. I tried it with my right hand, it didn't work. I held it with 
both hands and shook it, I tried running it under cold water, I tried 
running it under hot water and nothing happened. My wife even 
tried using her mouth on it, but no matter what we do, we can't get 
the top off of this damned child-proof bottle." 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Three delegates to an international agriculture convention sat
down for cocktails, and before long, they began to discuss methods for
driving their wives wild.
 The french delegate said that he always picked roses from the
garden and spread the petals over her breasts and then gently blew them
off.
 The English delegate declared that he would massage her entire
body with hot oil.
 The Europeans then asked the Texan how he drove his wife wild.
"Well" he said, "after the wife and I get it on, I hop outa bed and
wipe my dick on the curtains, that, gents, drives her wild!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMPUTER ERROR MESSAGES

Sector not found. A)bort, R)etry or T)ell your boss it was a virus:

Insufficient disk space you idiot! Did you really expect to copy a 4
 megabyte file to a floppy disk??

COMMAND.COM not loaded. System halted due to sobriety.

Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!

Memory parity error. Please turn your computer on and off at least 12
 times.

Runtime error 1071 - Company tech support out to lunch.

Runtime error 1072 - Sorry, we had lousy beta testers.

Runtime error 1073 - Your machine didn't exist when this program was
 written.

Runtime error 1074 - You must purchase another software program like
 this, you're getting sleepy, very sleepy, buy more of these
 programs...

Runtime error 1075 - This is what you get for buying a piece-of-crap
 clone at the local appliance store.

Runtime error 1076 - You might as well stop now; you'll never figure
 this program out.

Runtime error 1077 - It might help if you turned the printer on,
 Doofus!

Runtime error 1078 - Next time don't pay the programmer up front.

Runtime error 1079 - Warranty just expired.

Error occurred during virus infection; A)bort reconstruction,
 R)e-arrange FAT entries or I)gnore anti-virus software:

Bad command or filename - Please don't play with the computers on the
 display floor.

000 files copied; but feel free to pass those disks on to your
 associate.

Insufficient memory - please remove the BUFFERS=237463 statement from
 your CONFIG.SYS file.

Invalid media type or Track 0 bad, but look on the bright side, you
 could use another coaster.

File not found. Remember, you just erased it.

>>>>>> Error messages we'd REALLY like to see: <<<<<<

Wall jack plugged into phone jack on modem.

Your computer setup requires one more power cord than you actually
 have.

Warning! You are about to forget how the dip switches were originally
 set.

Warning! This is yet another program which will cause Windows to crash
 on your system.

Warning! This program has a voice-activated destruct sequence set to
 trigger after hearing the phrase "Wow! This program is great!"

Warning! After getting your computer back from the service center, 14
 screws are now missing in various areas of the system unit and
 case.

Entertainment Error 004 - This program will crash right before you win.

Entertainment Error 005 - Hang it up - You'll never find the key you
 need to open the door to continue playing the adventure.

Warning! The size of the keyboard buffer is inversely proportional to
 your typing speed.

Shareware Error 376 - All desirable features in this program are
 disabled.

Shareware Error 394 - You will have time to conquer a small world
 before the title page times-out.

Shareware Error 398 - The author moved to another state; you'll never
 find him.

Shareware Error 399 - No help or documentation available whatsoever.

Shareware Error 404 - Don't get attached to this program - there will
 never be another update.

Warning! The floppy disk you are writing to will not work in any other
 drive.

Warning! You are about to download a program which has no value, much
 less functionality at all.

Warning! Please terminate GIF program; your wife is coming.

Warning! It will cost you approximately $426.70 to update your software
 to run with the next version of this operating system.

Warning! The tech support people are even dumber than you!

Warning! Installing this software will completely erase any previous
 statements in your AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CERTIFICATE of DICKEY-DO AWARD
This prestigious award
Is presented to you
cause your belly sticks
out further than
your DICKY-DO.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is a language - J.P. Benfield

APL is not a language...
...It's a plot to sell customized keycaps and to cause your numeric
keypad to wear out before the rest of your keyboard.

ADA is not a language...
...because the military uses it. Any language chosen by an organization
that pays $7000 for a toilet is not a language.

ALGOL is not a language...
...It's what happens when a programmable calculator throws up into a
card stack. Great way to get the CPU hot enough to pop popcorn on.

ASSEMBLER is a language...
...Any language that can take a half-dozen pages of keystrokes and
compile it down to one byte of code is all right in my book. Though for
the REAL programmer, assembler is a waste of time, why use a compiler
when you can code directly into memory through a front panel?

BASIC is not a language...
...It's a plot to sucker poor unsuspecting consumers into believing
that they should buy a computer because ANYONE can learn how to
program.

BLISS is not a language...
...It's ritualistic typing exercises that result in error listings
longer than your source code and just as useless.

COBOL is not a language...
...Any code that sounds like a textbook for Accounting 101 read by a
pro wrestler is not written in a real language. It's also crutch to
make secretaries believe that they know how to program.

C is almost a real language...
...(see assembler) Even the name sounds like it's gone through an
optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we'll
talk. (see LISP)

EFL is not a language...
...It's a way of writing FORTRAN code without admitting to using
FORTRAN.

FORTRAN is not a language...
...It's a way of turning a multi-million dollar mainframe into a $50
programmable scientific calculator.

FORTH is not a language...
...It's the word between third and fifth, only misspelled.

JCL is not a language...
...Anything that runs on an IBM mainframe and ENJOYS it is not a
language.

LISP is not a language...
...LISP is a way to give young programmers instruction in matching
brackets in source code.

LOGO is not a language...
...It's a way to simulate 'skid marks' made by turtles with serious
bowel control problems.

PASCAL is not a language...
...It was an experiment combining the flexibility of C with the persona
of a drug-crazed penguin. It is also the 'language' of choice of many
CompSci professors who aren't up to handling REAL programming. Hence,
it is not a language.

PL/I is not a language...
...It's a dialect first spoken by dinosaurs and later revived during
the 70's to scare CompSci majors into anthropology careers.

RATFOR is not a language...
...It's a oxymoron. Nobody that programs in RatFor is rational (unless
they use it for coding adventure games. Then it's a real language in
that context). What's a RATFOR?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A country preacher sold a mule to a friend, and told him the mule
was trained to go when the rider said "Praise the Lord," and to stop
when the rider said, "Amen."
 The buyer mounted the beast and commanded, "Praise the Lord," and
the mule shot off like a rocket. The startled rider panicked. "Whoa!"
he screamed. The mule was headed straight for a cliff.
"Whoa!Whoa!Whoa!" At the last second he remembered the minister's
instructions. "Amen!" he shouted and the mule screeched to a halt right
at the edge of the cliff. As the new owner peered over the precipice,
he wiped his brow and sighed, "Praise the Lord!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 You can fool all of the people some of the time.... and some of
the people all of the time... but you can't fool MOM!

 People always like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people
show up. Small crowds...hardly anybody shows up.

 I don't need a car alarm. To deter thieves, I just leave the
repair bills on the dash!

 I went to a doctor who specializes in acupuncture. I got stuck for
$200!

 The Soviets are trying to learn from the U.S. They've already
patterned their bread lines after our Department of Motor Vehicles!

 I'd like to lose some weight, but the gym can be very
discouraging. Yesterday I sat on the rowing machine and it sank!

 It's been a tough week. Today they cancelled my life insurance
policy. They said I need to get a life!

 I recently attended a stress management seminar, and I discovered
that the cause of my stress IS management!

 When buying a used car, check the radio's push buttons. If they
are all set on rock stations, the transmission is probably shot!

 My brother-in-law has terrible luck. If he had been a dog on
Noah's Ark, he would have had both fleas!

 We could solve our trade deficit problem by making Japan our 51st
state.

 The President had released his Clean Air Act. It has three basic
parts: Reduction of sulfur emissions, increased use of ethanol fuels,
and Al Gore has to change his socks more often.

 Sometimes my roommate really gets on my nerves. Last night he had
a date and asked if he could borrow by vasectomy.

 Every day I try to work 8 hours and sleep 8 hours. Usually, it's
the same 8 hours.

Tourist: Do people often fall off this cliff?
Guide: No sir, once is usually enough.

"This is the sixth time you've been before me!"
"That's right judge, When I like somebody I give'em all my business."

 Just Heard what they do to fast women in Arkansas...... They put a
Governor on them....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Each time the teacher read to her students she would ask, "What's
was the moral of that story?" One day she was absent and her substitute
simply read the stories without any discussion.
 Afterwards, one little student declared, "I'm sure glad you're
teaching us today -- you don't have any morals."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The following are mixed-up drink jokes from the August 1991
OMNI... they are obviously meant to be read, not mixed!

Shirley MacLaine - sugar, carbonated water, ginger extract, syrup, and
 pomegranate; or what ginger ale and grenadine were in a previous
 life

Sinead O'Connor - Irish whiskey and Nair

Honeydew the Dishes - Midori and Dawn

Mary Poppins - vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar, decorated
 with a paper umbrella

American in Paris - Kentucky bourbon and champagne

Oil of Ole - Mazola and sangria

Three Men and a Baby - Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel's, and
 Infamil

Quack Doctor - cold duck and Dr Pepper

Shipwreck - Cutty Sark on the rocks

Sour Kraut - schnapps and lemon juice

Martinizer - gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride

Fuzzy Naval Base - peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia

Sake-to-me - rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide

Bloot Clot - vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O

Three Mile Island Iced Tea - vodka, gin, rum, tequila, and plutonium

Mexican Hairless - tequila and minoxidil

Blue Moon - corn whiskey and Aqua Velva

A Rum With A View - Bacardi and Visine
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to identify Professors:

 Chem Prof: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean but
does not have to be. P-chem profs have a brand new coat that has never
been in the lab; polymer chem profs have strange glop on their coat,
and intro chem profs have acid holes.

 Physics Prof: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes
forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue jeans
and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics profs often have
German accents, but this is not a distinguishing characteristic. Be
wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents which can sound
similar to the unwary.

 Bio Prof: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the
sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots for no
explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They are apt to wear
grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to most biologists, who
smell strongly of formalin. Microbiology instructors go around in
spotless white coats, refuse to drink beer on tap, and wipe all their
silverware before using it. Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter
how much he asks.

 Psych Prof: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be
easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone questions
whether psychology is a science. Psych people have beady little eyes
and don't laugh at jokes about psychology. If you are not sure whether
a person is a scientist or a comparative religion instructor, he is
probably a psychologist.

 CS Prof: Most CS profs are from India or Pakistan. You can tell by
the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many of the
American CS professors tend to pick up Indian accents which confounds
more specific identification. Like mushrooms, CS students only come out
at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a pasty appearance. CS
professors do not use computers and therefore can be easily identified
by their comparative good health with respect to their students. Many
CS professors do not even know how to use computers, and are actually
mathematicians or psychologists in disguise. Avoid these people.

 Math Prof: Math profs are like physics professors except without
any practical bent. A math professor will have only books and pencils
in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment that
physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers and
calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in restaurants.
The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the common use of the
phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left as an exercise to the
student..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Epitaphs

Under this grass and under these trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease
But he's not here, only his pod;
He has shelled out his soul, 
and gone to his God!
(In Vermont)
 
 
He called Coyote Pete a Liar!
(In Colorado)
 
 
Here lies Les Moore,
killed by four slugs
from a .44.
No Les, No Moore
(In New Mexico)
 
 
IN MEMORY OF
ANNA COPEWELL
-*-*-*-*-
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
(Enosburg, Vermont)
 
 
Underneath this pile of stones
Lies all that's left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Briggs, it was not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones,
(Skaneatles, N. Y.)
 
 
Sacred to the Memory of
Elisha Philbrook and His Wife Sarah
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Beneath these stones do lie,
Back to back, my wife and I!
When the last trumpet the air shall fill,
If she gets up, I'll just lie still.
(Sargentville, Maine)
 
 
Here lies Ann Mann,
She lived an old Maid and
died an old "Mann".
(Bath Abbey, Britian)
 
 
Sir John Strange
-*-*-*-*-
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
(British epitaph)
 
 
Of children in all she bore twenty-four:
Thank the Lord there will be no more.
(Canterbury, England)
 
 
This stone was raised by Sarah's lord,
Not Sarah's virtue to record:
For they're well known to all the town--
But it was *raised* to keep *her down*.
(Kilmurry Churchyard, Ireland)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie Verses

Willie, hitting at a ball,
Lined one down the schoolhouse hall.
Through his door came Dr. Hill.
Several teeth are missing still.
 
Willie, at a passing gent,
Threw a batch of fresh cement
Crying, "Wait until you dry
Then you'll be a real hard guy."
 
Little Willie, with father's gun
Punctured Grandma, just for fun.
Mother frowned at the merry lad:
It was the last shell Father had.
 
Willie, as the fire burned low,
Gave it a terrific blow.
Grandpa's beard got in the draft;
Dear me, how the firemen laughed!
 
Little Willie, with a rock,
Beaned the cuckoo in the clock.
Father said: "Why don't it tick?"
Willie said: "The bird is sick."
 
Little Willie lit a rocket
Which his Pa had in his pocket.
Next day he told Cousin Dan,
"Papa is a traveling man."
 
Little Willie, home from school,
Where he'd learned the Golden Rule,
Said, "If I eat this cake
Sis won't have a stomach-ache."
 
Willie on the railroad track--
Didn't look around, didn't look back.
The engineer gave the whistle a squeal.
Then had to scrape him off the wheel.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I sit 
broken hearted, 
came to shit
but only farted,

That's ok, 
you had your chance.
I tried to fart,
and shit my pants!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 "I went to the doctor the other day, and I told him I was
constipated." He said "No Shit!"
 I said "Yeah, my stools are hard too." He said "Tough shit!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 What about the guy who, just being married, goes to his doctor and
says, "Doctor, my wife is pregnant, but we've only been married three
months, and everyone knows it takes NINE months to make a child!"
 The doctor looks at him and says," Well, how long have you been
living with her?"
 "Three months."
 "And how long has she been living with you?"
 "Three months..."
 "And how long have you been living together?
 "Three months!"
 "Well, sir, three months plus three months plus three months
equals nine months, I just don't see what your problem is."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Take this Dodge and Ram it"

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust;
If it wasn't for Ford, our tools would rust.

Friends don't let friends drive Fords.

F.O.R.D.:
Found On Reservation Dead
Fix Or Repair Daily
DODGE: Drips Oil, Drips Gas Everywhere
PONTIAC: Puts Out Noxious Toxins In All Cities
FORD: Found On Road Dead
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DAUGHTERS LETTER

Dear mother,

Micks grandfather is still staying with us. He is ninety-four now. The
first thing he does in the morning is read the newspaper in bed, he
looks at the deaths and if his name s not in it he gets up.

Last week he thought he had a whole in is heart but it turned out to be
a polo mint in his pajamas pocket.

There is a new washing machine in the new house when we moved in but it
has not been working very well. Last week I put in ten shirts, I pulled
the chain and have not seen the shirts since.

Mick wants to buy me a dog. He says if he gets a black and white one
the licence will be cheaper.

Uncle Patty has just been given a suspended sentence. They have hung
him.

Mick went to the doctors last week but when he came home he said the
doctor was no good because all of his patients were sick. The doctor
told him to take a hot glass of orange after a hot bath, he's still
drinking the hot bath. The doctor says he suffers like his father from
alcoholic constipayion. It means he can't pass a pud.

The weather has been very bad. Monday was so windy, one chicken laid
the same egg four times.

Your Loving daughter
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Magician & the Parrot
 A magician was working in the lounge on a cruise ship, and every
night, the captain of the ship would come in with his pet parrot and
watch the act. The parrot seemed particularly fascinated by the
magician's tricks and started watching them very closely.
 One night the magician took the stage and announced, "Tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, I will saw this lovely woman in half right before
your eyes!" "*Craaawk!*", said the parrot, "It's a fake! *whistle* he's
got fake legs coming out the other side of the box!" The crowd roared,
and the magician was less than amused. "Okay then, I will do a
different trick", announced the magician, "Pick a card, madam, and I
will tell you which card you have chosen." "*Craaawk*! They're all the
same cards!" answered the parrot!
 This heckling continued for several weeks, and was completely
ruining the magicians act, and needless to say, the magician grew to
completely hate this bird, but he couldn't harm it, since it was the
captain's pet.
 One night after a particularly bad show, the magician was walking
on the upper deck of the ship when a huge explosion ripped through the
bottom decks of the ship. The magician jumped into a lifeboat and
dropped to safety. As he watched the ship sink, the captain's parrot
flew out from the ship and landed in his lifeboat.
 Several days passed without a word between the magician and the
parrot, the magician just glared at the bird, and the bird just kept
looking in the direction of the sunken ship. Finally, the parrot broke
down...
 "*Craaawk!* OKAY, BUDDY! What d'ya do with the ship!!??"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Jack of All Trades
By Steve Connely

 Unless his father is rich, a graduate student in computer science
will most likely end up supporting himself by working on university
research projects or, if he doesn't speak English, by teaching
undergraduates. These students make less than a freelance can recycler.
A few students work part-time at a useful craft or trade that supports
them in comfort. I decided that I would practice such a trade:
Professional sperm donation, the jack of all trades.

 During my first visit to the sperm bank, I was taken to the office
of the doctor in charge. His walls were covered by medical degrees and
citations for his achievements in sperm preservation. One of the
citations said "Honorable Discharge", which I thought was a bit
grandiose.
 "It is of the utmost importance that semen samples remain
sterile," the doctor explained.
 "Sterile semen?" I oxymoroned.
 "Thus, samples must be produced by unassisted direct manual
stimulation of the genital protuberance."
 "Huh?"
 "Choke the purple-helmeted love nazi."
 "Oh."
 "Furthermore, before the production of each sample, there must be
three days of abstinence."
 "Three days? 4320 minutes! Is that really a good idea?" I had
visions of being rushed to the emergency room to have my scrotum lanced
and drained as it expanded like a Jiffy Pop bag. "I'm no doctor, but I
think an hour of abstinence is enough. I mean, we're not aging a fine
wine, are we?..."
 I was scheduled for a donor room, where I would have to deliver
samples, piping hot, in 30 minutes or less. I didn't know if I could
become aroused under such conditions. I was of an impressionable age
when I first saw Racquel Welch in "Fantastic Voyage", and afterward I
could only be aroused by women who wore rubber diving suits and were
covered by foot-long antibodies. (These days, having your partner in a
rubber suit covered with large antibodies is not a bad idea.) I've
since grown out of this habit. Although now I can only become aroused
by a woman if she turns the letters on my "Wheel of Fortune" board
game. I decided to get some men's magazines for immoral support.
 As a teenager I found Penthouse to be highly stimulating. (As a
teenager I found everything to be highly stimulating. I had to take up
tennis just to explain my tennis elbow.) However, Penthouse photographs
are often rendered in a diffused soft focus, which is why you go blind.
Eyestrain is the reason you often see men crying when they read the
magazine.
 Once, when I was fourteen, my father wondered if he should get a
subscription to Penthouse. "Great idea!" I panted. "It offers an
insightful editorial posture and interviews with personalities of
topical interest."
 He shrugged indifferently.
 "You have to get it! You absolutely have to! It offers guides to
fashion and accessories, goddammit!" I shrieked before passing out. Now
I've started to actually read those articles. I used to put magazines
under my mattress so they wouldn't be found; now they're there for
lower back support.
 I thought that, if I'm going to be a professional in a medical
facility, I should forget the over-the-counter products like Penthouse
and look for more potent prescription remedies in the shops of the red
light district.
 These magazines did not have interviews with personalities of
topical interest. Their titles generally were the names of female body
parts. One was called "Female Body Parts". The magazines might serve a
medical professional as references of female anatomy and its many
diseases, but they were too much for me. I settled for this month's
issue of "NBC Anchorwomen in Chains".
 As it turned out, I was able to wield Excalibur without anxiety in
the clinic's donor room, and I looked forward to returning there on my
twice-weekly visits. I didn't appreciate it at first, but I eventually
realized what a terrific room it was. It had a wicked, shameless chair,
a voluptuous, come-hither lamp and a coy, pouting paper towel
dispenser. However, the room was small, or perhaps it only seemed so
because when there I was usually homo erectus, so I was constantly
upsetting lamps and clearing shelves. Okay, maybe not.
 I produced so many test specimens that the doctor could have built
an infant from scratch and avoided conception altogether. But after
several weeks, the testing was over and I was sent back to the doctor's
office.
 He said that I had been accepted into the program: my sperm count
was five times higher than average.
 There it was. In seconds, I had become an awesome engine of
fertility, a sexual force to be feared. Condoms and diaphragms could be
shredded by my Zulu sperm cells as their superior numbers overwhelmed
the British outpost of the ovum. My minions could overcome any female
contraceptive resistance and commit countless acts of microscopic date
rape.
 My ego was further engorged by the fact I'd finally met someone
who wanted me just for my body. I was a sex object, meat on the hoof.
The doctor obliged by talking about me in the cold quantities of sperm
counts and motilities, reciting my "tale of the tape" as us pro
athletes call it. He also referred to donor candidates by number
instead of name to preserve anonymity. To the doctor I was The Man With
No Name, a hired gun.
 "A hun'rd and ten million! That's pretty good shootin', stranger.
What'd you say your name was again?"
 "I didn't say...."
 From now on, I would be paid. My one-armed bandit had consistently
hit the jackpot, and now I was going to cash in. Some guys think their
penis has a mind of its own. Mine had a career of its own.
 It was during my next visit, as I approached the main desk, that I
first saw her: Candy the candy striper.
 I had never been particular about my women. Two X chromosomes
sufficed. But Candy was different. Perhaps it was the three days of
fluid backing up into my brain that made her look like an angel
floating toward me. Perhaps it was her helium breast implants. All I
knew was that I wanted to suckle that bosom till I talked like Donald
Duck.
 She noticed my groin, which bulged handsomely due to the bag of
ice I put in my pants to keep down the swelling.
 She gave me a specimen cup and I went into the donor room, where I
was great. A minute later I returned.
 My headache was gone. I sauntered over to Candy's desk and turned
on the charm, which I can do pretty much at will.
 "Sorry, but my cup runneth over with love."
 She smiled the dazzling smile that is the gift of a woman with
braces. She said, "You might want to zip up your fly."
 "Why, you eagle-eyed minx," I teased. "You've been watching my
fly, haven't you, like a photographer waiting for a glimpse of the Loch
Ness monster."
 She giggled. "So, what do you do?"
 "Here? Um, I do what all the other guys do. But better."
 "I mean, what do you do for a living?"
 I hung my head. "I'm a computer science graduate student."
 "Really? Can you say something in computerese?"
 "Awk grep sed lex yacc?"
 She squealed with delight, and her sudden increase in body heat
caused her implants to expand. I had it made.
 On our first date, I learned all about her. A woman of compassion,
she had bought a water bed because it made the fleet feel more at home.
She had also bought a high-tech, no-mess vibrator, only to learn it was
an electric orange juicer.
 I thought it would be responsible of me to inquire about her
medical history. Her gynecologist had said that, though she needed
retreads, she didn't have any social diseases. This was a relief
because it meant the president wouldn't have to order a stand down of
all naval operations. Her neurologist had said that her brain was still
a virgin, its fragile tissues untouched by knowledge.
 Her favorite literary work was Kafka's "Metamorphosis". She hadn't
read it, but she had seen an ad for the promo of the music video. She
could empathize with a human mind that finds itself trapped inside the
body of an insect, because she suffered the opposite problem.
 She was my girl of my dreams.
 Toward the end of the evening, I made my move. "Pound bang slash
bin slash cush semi ell ess minus ell splat."
 She fell against me, nearly swooning. Should I strike while the
iron is hot? The sperm bank had already scheduled to within 4 minutes
every ejaculation I would have in the next year. But how often does a
man find true love? I decided I would service both Candy and the sperm
bank, spreading myself thin, so to speak.
 "Candy, would you like to go to my place and view my itchings? We
could practice CPR. I'll check you for tumors. Maybe a lower GI
series?"
 We got to my apartment and with a flourish I opened the door to my
lair of lust. "Welcome to my Altar of Ecstasy, my Boudoir of Bliss."
 "Gee, it looks just like a sperm donor room."
 We wasted no time. She was so hot her bust deployed like a
Chrysler air bag. All night it was twiddle twiddle twiddle pipe mount
socket pound bang pound bang splat return. Consummate, consummate,
consummate.
 In the morning I staggered to the sperm bank. The vigor of youth
had abandoned me. I needed a heavy styling mousse to achieve the
hardness needed to raise my flag over Iwo Jima and produce a specimen.
The cup would've held more microbes if it was filled with Jersey
tapwater.
 Unfortunately, the doctor chose that day for a spot check of my
handiwork. He looked at my specimen under a microscope, but couldn't
find anything. He continued hunting for Red October and finally found a
sperm. It tried to swim, but then it grabbed its chest and rolled over.
 So, my career ended as soon as it started. But my romance has
flourished. Candy has proven to be a challenging libidinal dynamo, but
nothing me and some new vacuum cleaner attachments can't handle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a LTD
She drove it for a week
and everywhere Mary went
it had an awful squeak!

She drove it to a car shop
run by a fine mechanic who
declared that he would fix the squeak
before the week was through,

Now Mary is broke
900 is the ticket
he'd but a new transmission in
and taken out the cricket.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting free
drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular and then
loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado and yelled,
"Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was promptly thrown
outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and went into another bar,
shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds later, he was eating dust
again.
 Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't
Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?"
 The cowboy replied, "Son, this is *horse* country!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
A lobster and some prunes,
A glass of milk, a piece of pie,
And then some macaroons;
It made the naughty waiters grin
To see her order so,
And when they carried Mary out,
Her face was white as snow.

Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
Then she took some castor oil
To pass the time away.
But the physic didn't work,
And Mary's watch won't pass;
So if you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's uncle
- he sells watches on 47th street.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A POOR Talmud scholar approached his rabbi with his masterpiece: a
commentary on the Mishnah.
 "Better you should stop writing," said the rabbi. "It won't get
you anywhere."
 "And if I stopped writing," replied the scholar, "would it get me
anywhere?"

 An elderly Jew walked up to the window at the main post office in
Pinsk. "Excuse me," he began timidly, "but how often does the mail go
from here to Warsaw?"
 "To Warsaw? Every day."
 The old man was silent for a moment, and then asked, "Thursdays
too?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 KATZ is sitting naked in his room, wearing only a top hat, when
Cohen walks in.
 "Why are you sitting here naked?"
 "It's all right," says Katz. "Nobody comes to visit."
 "But why the hat?"
 "Well, maybe somebody will come."

 TWO Jews are sitting silently over a glass of tea.
 "You know," says the first man, "life is like a glass of tea with
sugar."
 "A glass of tea with sugar?" asks his friend. "Why do you say
that?"
 "How should I know?" replies the first man. "What am I, a
philosopher?"

 SOMEBODY once asked Motke Chabad, the legendary wit: "Tell me,
Motke, you're a smart fellow. Why is kugel called kugel ?"
 Motke lost no time in responding. "What kind of silly question is
that? It's sweet like kugel, isn't it? It's thick like kugel, isn't it?
And it tastes like kugel, doesn't it? So why shouldn't it be called
kugel?

 Sam, please close the window. It's cold outside."
 "Nu, and if I close the window, will it be warm outside?"

 WOMAN on a train walked up to a distinguished-looking gentleman
across the aisle. "Excuse me," she said, "but are you Jewish?"
 "No," replied the man.
 A few minutes later the woman returned. "Excuse me," she said
again, "but are you sure you're not Jewish?"
 "I'm sure," replied the man.
 But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she
approached him a third time. "Are you absolutely sure you're not
Jewish?" she asked.
 "All right, all right," the man said. "You win. I'm Jewish."
 "That's funny," said the woman. "You don't look Jewish."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 I enjoy the story about the man who was short and fat. He was also
bald and middle-aged. One morning he and his wife were walking down the
street, when suddenly the man turned a beaming countenance to his wife
and said, "Did you see that pretty girl smile at me?" "Oh that's
nothing," said his wife. "The first time I saw you I laughed right out
loud."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It is said that one night, after General De Gaulle and his wife
had retired, he casually mentioned to her that he might run for another
term. To which she replied, "Oh, my God!" And he said: "In our private
chamber, Madame, you may call me Charles."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAFFYNITIONS

ALIMONY: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
ALOHA: A Pullman berth.
AUCTION: A gyp off the old block.
BEAUTY CONTEST: A lass roundup.
BIGAMIST: An Italian fog.
BULLDOZING: Falling asleep during a political speech.
CAMELOT: A place where they park camels.
COMIC RELIEF: When the Life of the Party goes home.
DENIAL: A river in Egypt.
DISBAR: As distinguished from Some other bar.
DOGMA: A puppy's mother.
EGOTIST: A man who's always me-deep in conversation.
EXCHEQUER A retired supermarket employee.
FLATTERY An apartment house.
GAMBIT: Bitten in the leg.
GIGOLO: A fee-male.
GUILLOTINE: A French chopping center.
HANGOVER: The wrath of grapes.
HATE ORGANIZATIONS: Sour groups.
HYPOTHENUSE: The washroom upstairs is occupied.
IGLOO: An icicle built for two.
INCONGRUOUS: Where the laws are made.
JACKET BLURB: Fable of contents.
LAMB STEW: Much ado about mutton.
MINISKIRT: Hemme fatale.
MOLASSES: Additional girls.
PASTEURIZE: Something you see moving.
POLYGON: A dead parrot.
RAMSHACKLE: A chain used to tie up a he-goat.
SCHNAPPS: Tries to bite you.
SNEEZING: Much achoo about nothing.
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
SUNBATHER: A fry in the ointment.
TEUTONIC: Not enough gin.
VIOLIN: A very bad hotel
WOLF: A character who knows all the ankles.
SYNTAX: What I ought to be required to pay those who read this.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Coach Don Shula tells a priceless story on himself. He said that
he wished to take his wife to a quiet place for vacation. They chose a
small seaside town in Maine where they could relax without people
recognizing them. When they arrived it was raining so they decided to
go see a movie. When they entered the theatre, the house lights were on
and they were surprised that the small handful of people gave them a
warm little round of applause as they took a seat.
 Secretly pleased, Shula whispered to his wife, "I guess there
isn't any place I'm not known."
 A man came over with a friendly smile and shook hands with Shula
and his wife.
 "I'm surprised that you know me here," said Shula.
 "Should I know you?" asked the man, puzzled. "We`re just glad to
see you folks--the manager said he wouldn't start the film until at
least ten people came in."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 We are like the young man who invites a lady out to dinner. For
the first hour, he talks nonstop about himself. Finally, he says, "I've
been doing all the talking, it's time that you had a chance to say
something. Tell me, what do you think of me?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A rather conceited man was invited to dinner by a female
acquaintance, but did not accept. A few days later, seeing her in
passing, he said in a gracious manner. "I believe you asked me to dine
with you last week."
 The lady, looking thoughtfully at him a moment, answered: "And did
you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ve vant to do rite in dis madder, but dont like dis rattschidt
bizzzines.

  Mit Musch Respekt,
  Karl Grummenhausen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In the early 1940s, an elderly Jew in New York decided to surprise
his wife on her birthday with a gift of intimate apparel. He went to
Macy's, and began looking through the lingerie section. Finally, he
settled on a display of brassieres.
 "Can I help you, sir?" asked a young salesgirl, but the old man
was so embarrassed he could hardly talk.
 "Do you know your wife's bra size?" she asked. The old man merely
shook his head.
 "Well, then," she said softly, "tell me this: are they big?"
 With an obvious sense of relief, the man replied, "Hoo boy, are
they big! Hitler should have 'em for tonsils!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MACHIAVELLI: I know a tailor who will Machiavelli good pair of pants
 for thirty dollars.
MERETRICIOUS: Here's wishing you a meretricious and a happy New Year.

SOVIET: Dinner was announced, Soviet. PLAYS ON WORDS

APOCRYPHAL: Hippety-hop to the corner shop for apocryphal of candy

CADILLAC: A Cadillac mean if you pull its tail.

EUPHEMISM: Euphemism and I'm fer youse'm.

LOQUACIOUS: She bumped into me and I told her to loquacious going.

MACHIAVELLI: I know a tailor who will Machiavelli good pair of pants
 for thirty dollars.
MERETRICIOUS: Here's wishing you a meretricious and a happy New Year.

SOVIET: Dinner was announced, Soviet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm
off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by
the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard. "I always knew God would take care of
us," said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after
the family got home. "I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother.
"Always remember that God is in His heaven watching over us." "Oh, I
wasn't talking about THAT God," the five year old interrupted. "I was
talking about the COAST God."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A certain Mr. Chan who collected teakwood miniatures as a hobby
began to notice that they were disappearing, one by one, in the dead of
night. Furthermore, muddy footprints on the floor seemed to indicate
that the culprit was a small, barefoot boy.
 Determined to put an end to all this, Mr. Chan hid himself in the
corner of his shop one night. His vigil was rewarded. In came the
thief, and it turned out to be a black bear, who promptly started
loading up with teakwood. A peculiar feature of this bear was that
instead of claws, he had the feet of a little boy.
 What could be more natural under the circumstances than the
agonized cry from the victim: "Hey, there! Where do you think you're
going, oh boy foot bear with teaks of Chan?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In the McCarthy era, when everybody in public life had to be
careful watching his appease and accuse, two young men named Roy Cohn
and David Schine kicked up a mighty ruckus in the State Department. A
Washington savant suggested that a horse named Harvest Moon be
presented to Mr. Schine. "I can see him now seated astride his new
steed," said the savant dreamily. "The caption under the photograph in
the newspapers, of course, will be `Schine on Harvest Moon.'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It was in Washington, too, that pundit Clifton Fadiman, steering a
party of friends to a little Italian restaurant he had praised to the
skies, discovered that he had misplaced the proprietor's card. "We'll
have to eat elsewhere," mourned Fadiman. "I seem to have lost my
Spaghettysburg Address."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It took an operative from auto-leasing agency No. 2, to discover
just what a winsome Italian lass had to say when some dastard ravished
her in the back seat of a rented sedan: "It's a Hertz!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Aficionados of the pun divide their favorites roughly into two
categories: the "quickies" - just a sentence or two - and the involved
long drawn out sagas where the premise is usually even more ridiculous
than the punch line. The mere buildup of one of these complicated
fragments of calculated nonsense is enough to make an unimaginative
listener end up with the heebie-jeebies. One Harvard graduate I know,
in fact, sought help from the police. The man he wanted was a Phi Beta
Copper.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Samuel M. Crothers tells us that a young man once left with him a
manuscript for criticism and remarked in passing, "It is only a little
bit of my work and it will not take you long to look it over. In fact
it is only the first chapter in which I explain the Universe."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Comic Sam Levenson is a short man, but does not brood about this
fact. At a dinner he once attended he found himself surrounded by an
unusual number of tall actors. "Don't you feel rather small among all
these big men?" somebody asked him. "Yes, I do," Levenson answered
promptly. "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A society woman once went to consult a famous psychotherapist. He
said at the first interview, "Now tell me all about yourself." She
needed no second invitation. At the end of the hour the doctor said,
"That will do now, I'll see you again tomorrow." The same formula was
repeated several times a week for some weeks. Then one day the doctor
said to his patient, "Madam, I can do no more for you now. I advise you
to take the first train to Niagara Falls, and there take a long
lingering look at something bigger than yourself." -
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once in a saintly passion
I cried with desperate grief
O, Lord, my heart is
black with guile
Of sinners I am chief.
Then stooped my guardian angel
And whispered from behind
"Vanity, my little man, You're nothing of the kind." 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Scotsman, dressed in his clan tartan, was standing on the
platform of Kingsbridge railway station, Dublin, when another kilted
Scot came along and inquired, "Where you bound for?"
 "I am going to Killarney on my honeymoon," was the reply.
 "Where is the wife?"
 "Am no' taking her," said the bridegroom. "She has been there
before, so I left her at home.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 One man has discovered how to bring home money from the tracks.
Instead of picking horses, he picks pockets.

 "I just crossed a horse with a fish."
 "How did you do that?"
 "I put a fin on a horse's nose."

 "Now, don't tell stories, Jimmy. You know your father never took
you to the zoo in his whole life."
 "Yes, he did, Mommy, and one of the animals paid twenty-seven
dollars!"

 Blonde: "My, but the horses in the next race have peculiar names."
 Betting man: "Just wait until you hear what the losers call them
after the race."

 Father looked up from his racing form and noticed the baby in the
buggy. Turning to his wife he said, "Baby's nose is running again." His
wife snorted and snapped, "Don't you ever think of anything except
horse races?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Intelligence has a lot to do with what folks believe - those with
smart kids, for instance, are more likely to believe in heredity.

 When a man starts singing his own praise it is pretty sure to be a
solo.

 "I wonder," remarked the vain young woman, "how many men will be
miserable when I marry." "It all depends," replied her friend, "on how
many of them you marry."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 "Such lovely roses," remarked the lady as a man stopped his flower
cart near her house. "I don't need any now, but please come by
Wednesday. I'd like to purchase several dozen to decorate the living
room. My daughter is coming out that day, and I'd like everything to be
perfect." "Thanks, ma'am," he said. "I'll be here with the prettiest
roses I can find. I know how you feel about your daughter coming out.
What was she in for?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Stories about the monumental ego of the late French Premier
Charles DeGaulle are legion. A favorite - which could be attributed to
any other strong personality as well - has DeGaulle calling the Vatican
to inquire about the possibility of being buried in the Holy Sepulchre.
"Yes, you can be buried there," replied the Vatican, "but it will cost
you one hundred million dollars." DeGaulle replied, "One hundred
million dollars - just to stay there for three days?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Obviously, we much more appreciate the candor and humility of one
politician years ago. A great crowd had gathered to hear him speak. One
of his friends said, "You must get a great thrill to know this kind of
crowd came out just to hear you speak." The politician answered, "Yes,
I am thrilled. But I always remind myself how much larger the crowd
would be if I were being hanged."

 Another politician, however, was speaking in another town. Before
he arrived, he sent a four page report to all of the local papers
detailing his address. On page 3 appeared this paragraph: But the hour
grows late and I must close (No, No! Go on! Go on!)"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 If you want to realize your own importance, put your finger into a
bowl of water, take it out, and look at the hole.

 Fred Allen, the radio comedian of days past, said, "You only live
once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A popular form of humor recently has been light bulb jokes. For
example, "How many Wall Street brokers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?" The answer: "One, the broker holds the light bulb and the
universe revolves around him."
 Or, "How many Exxon officials does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to turn the bulb and nine to handle the public relations."
 One of my favorites comes out of Hollywood: "How many actors does
it take to change a light bulb? The answer: "One hundred. One to change
the bulb and ninety-nine to say, "I could have done that."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 As someone has said, "After a person makes his mark in the world,
a lot of people begin showing up with erasers."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 I love a story Willsie Martin told on himself when he was pastor
of the Wilshire United Methodist Church in Los Angeles. Willsie arrived
early one Sunday morning to see an elderly woman struggling to get up
the steep stairs to the large sanctuary, "Here, let me help you," said
Willsie and, with a great deal of patience and love, he helped her to
the top of the stairs. Reaching the entrance to the sanctuary, the
elderly lady turned to Willsie and asked, "Can you tell me who is
preaching this morning?" With a smile, Willsie answered, "Yes, Willsie
Martin." Where upon she said, "Would you mind helping me back down the
steps?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Biotechnology is changing our world. Instead of building a better
mousetrap, now they're building a better mouse.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Although a recent study shows most American high school students can't
find the Soviet Union on a map, another study shows they probably won't
need to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The only thing better than an attorney who knows the law is one who
knows the judge.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In response to Dan Quayle's attacks, the American Bar Association
issued a statement claiming the problem isn't too many lawyers, it's
that there just aren't enough ambulances.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy, but that could change. --Dan Quayle
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Tyson has gotten into trouble again. Who does he think he is, a Kennedy?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God created man, but I could do better.--Enna Bombeck
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm
not sure about the former.--Albert Einstein
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't like how I look. The doctor said plastic surgery wouldn't help,
but plastic explosives might.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now I know why our group insurance program is so cheap. It only pays if
we're all sick at the same time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I feel like I'm wearing Milk
Bone shorts.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It never fails. The more a company spends to advertise how wonderful
and friendly it is, the greater the probability that the person it
hires to greet customers will have all the charm of a pit bull.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A financial officer ran into the chairman's office and said, "I have
good news and bad news. The good news is we've got enough cash to last
until tomorrow. The bad news is I meant to tell you yesterday."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My marriage is in trouble. My wife bought a book titled "How To Work
Out Your Marital Problems" and hit me with it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have terrible luck. When my ship comes in, it'll probably be loaded
with my relatives.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Carson's Law: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings.
Campbell's Postulate: Never let your computer know you're in a hurry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My dad told me to always start out each day with a smile, if only to
get it over with.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my
father's posture, my father's opinions, and my mother's contempt for my
father. -- Jules Feiffer
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My brother-in-law is one of a kind. That's plenty.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Over the weekend I took my family to see Disney On Ice. All things
considered, he looked pretty good.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My kid is so active, for a while we thought we had twins.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My rich friend spoils his children. Last week he hired a private
investigator to help his son find Waldo.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A magician and his wife, whom he was wont to saw in half as the climax
of the act, retired after a full twenty years on the vaudeville
circuit, and opened a dairy outside Los Angeles. The sign over the
doorway reads, "Milk sold here by the half gal."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three young actors named Tom, Fred, and Cec who decided to do the
jousting scene from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the
title role," proposed Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B.
De Mille."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a Philadelphia shirtmaker offered monetary rewards to people who
could dream up new names for "dark blue," "light brown," and other
stock colors, some lulus came in from inspired applicants. A few of
them: gang green, forever amber, sick bay, hash brown, dorian gray,
hi-yo silver, and statuory grape.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember that once very popular word game called "Fractured French"?

L'ESCARGOT: Let's travel by auto.
DEBUSSY: The maid says they're busy.
DE GAULLE: Some nerve!
DAUPHIN: A fan made of deerskin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One evening a man brought home as food for his dog an Italian dish
compounded of flour, cheese, and tomatoes. The thoughtful master tilted
it against a door to make it more accessible for the lazy pooch. Then
he summoned his wife and told her cheerfully, "There's no longer any
need for you to plan that sightseeing trip to Italy next summer. Here,
before your very eyes, is the leaning Pizza of Towser." Wow, sir!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riding in a dogcart, one wire-haired terrier said to the other, "Heard
from your beau lately?" "Yes, indeed," was the reply. "I had a litter
from him Tuesday." Meanwhile the terrier's lamppost companion, a male
basset, inserted this classified ad in the local gazette: "I would like
to hear from an attractive female basset. Object: bassinet."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a dog in Southampton that just loves to be scrubbed three times
every day. His owners aren't absolutely sure of his breed--but they
think he's a shampoodle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A prominent banker gave his teenage daughter, a student at the Actors'
Studio, a pedigreed pup for her birthday, warning her that the little
dog had not yet been housebroken. Sure enough, an hour later, when he
wandered into his daughter's study, he found her contemplating a small
puddle in the center of the room. "My pup," she murmured sadly,
"runneth over."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a swarm of bees,
And they to save their lives
Went everywhere that Mary went,
'Cause Mary had the hives.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It is told of the famous Reb Isaac of Houston that he was once
approached by a former disciple who had abandoned strict observance of
the traditions after becoming a successful and prosperous businessman.
 "Rabbi," said the man, for he always called him that, "I know that
I have sinned, but now I am in dire need of help and there is no one
else to whom I can turn."
 Reb Isaac smiled. "By coming to me you have shown that your faith
has never truly left you. Tell me, my son, what your problem is."
 The businessman explained that he was heavily in debt, and that
unless his upcoming annual sale was a great success, he would be
ruined.
 After pondering for a brief moment, the rabbi responded: "Your
sale will be more of a success than you could ever have hoped for. But
there is one condition."
 "Anything," breathed the merchant.
 "You must sign this pledge to donate half the profits from your
sale to the synagogue."
 The merchant agreed and, in high spirits, left the rabbi. For
weeks he prepared for the event, and sure enough, it was a huge
success, more than doubling the volume of the previous year's sale.
After his initial joy wore off, though, the merchant again became
troubled and again sought out the rabbi, who, with a benign smile on
his saintly, shining face, was eagerly awaiting him.
 "Have you brought your donation, my son?"
 "Yes, Rabbi, here it is. And the sale was a great success. But,
Rabbi, if I give you this money, all the extra profits will be gone!"
 The rabbi, who was also a CPA, snatched the check and grinned, his
eyes sparkling. "Ah, my son," he explained, "but this is deductible."
 And so it was.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A PASSENGER on a train in Israel watched in astonishment as the
old man across the aisle kept repeating the same pattern. First he
would mumble a few words to himself, then he would smile, and finally
he would raise his hand and stop talking for a few moments.
 After observing this unusual behavior for close to an hour, the
passenger finally brought himself to address the stranger. "Excuse me,
sir, but I couldn't help noticing what you were doing. Is anything
wrong?"
 "Not at all," replied the old man. "You see, whenever I take a
trip, I get bored. And so I always tell myself jokes, which is why you
saw me smiling."
 "But why did you keep raising your hand?"
 "Oh, that. It's to interrupt myself because I've heard that joke
before."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Sam and Max are traveling in fine style from New York to Chicago,
by train. Along the way, they keep the porter busy with dozens of small
requests: a glass of water, a shoe shine, a telegram, the morning
paper. As they're getting off the train, Sam turns to Max and says, "I
forgot to give George a tip. Did you take care of him?"
 "No," says Max. "I thought you did." Max quickly runs back onto
the train and hands George a twenty-dollar bill.
 "Now I know that you people didn't crucify the Lord," says George.
"You just worried him to death."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 One of the basic principles of Jewish logic is that things could
always be worse:
 A poor man goes to the rabbi and complains: "My house is much too
small for my family of ten."
 "Bring in your goat," says the rabbi, and the man complies. A week
later he returns: "Rabbi, it's even worse!"
 "Bring in your chickens," says the rabbi.
 The man returns in another week, and the rabbi tells him to bring
in his cow as well. The next time the man comes, he is at his wits'
end. "I can't stand it any longer," he says.
 "In that case," says the rabbi "go home and take all your animals
back into the barn."
 "Thank you, Rabbi," the man says a few days later. "Lately we've
had so much room...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Levine brings a package to the post office.
"It's too heavy," says the clerk. "You'll have to put more stamps on
"And if I put more stamps on it," says Levine, "that'll make it
lighter?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 An Israeli visiting Paris goes to a brothel and insists on the
services of a certain Michelle. He is told that Michelle is
unavailable, but when he offers a thousand dollars, she is bought to
him, and they spend the night together. The next night the Israeli
returns and repeats his generous offer--and again the third night.
 Finally, on the third night, Michelle asks why she has been
singled out for all this flattering attention.
 "Well," says the man, "you see, I'm from Israel--"
 "Why, so am I!" says Michelle.
 "Yes, I know," the Israeli replies. "It turns out that your
grandmother lives in the same building as my parents, and when she
heard I was going to Paris, she asked me to give you the three thousand
dollars you had asked for!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a
house along the road. "Can you give me a drink of water?" asks the
Texan.
 "Of course," says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.
 "What do you do?" says the Texan.
 "I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli. "Really?"says the
Texan."you have?"
 "Well," says the Israeli, "out front it's fifty meters, as you can
see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And
what about your place?"
 "Well," says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get
into the car, and I drive and drive--and I don't reach the end of the
ranch until dinnertime."
 "Really," replies the Israeli. "I once had a car like that."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 God asked Moses to choose whatever promised land he wished. After
weighing several factors Moses settled on California. But Moses,
according to legend, had a speech impediment, and he began to answer,
"Ca-Ca-" whereupon God said, "Canaan, that wasteland? Well, okay, Mo.
If you want it, you got it!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Most of us don't want to simply keep up with the Joneses--we want
to be slightly ahead. There is a popular joke going around right now
about a fellow named Pat who always wanted a telephone in his car.
Finally he got one. He couldn't wait to tell his best friend Mike. Mike
was enraged with envy. That very day he ordered a telephone for his
car. He immediately called Pat. "Pat," he said, "I'm calling you from
the telephone in my car." Imagine his feelings when Pat said, "Excuse
me for a moment, Mike, my other phone is ringing."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Willard Scott of "The Today Show" remembers his radio days when he
received his all-time favorite letter from a fan: "Dear Mr. Scott-I
think you're the best disk jockey in Washington. You play the best
music and have the nicest voice of anyone on the air. Please excuse the
crayon--they won't let us have anything sharp in here."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A mother whale once warned her son, "Remember, it's when you go to
the top and start blowing that you get harpooned."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The Duke of Wellington once haughtily drew himself up to his full
height and thundered to one of his staff officers, "God knows I have
many faults, but being wrong is not one of them!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Rufus Jones once told a tale about the daughter of a prosperous
egg rancher who came into a village store in Maine. Wanting to be
friendly, the storekeeper smiled and started talking with her. "Are
your hens laying now?" he asked. "They can," the girl replied with her
nose in the air, "but in our financial position they don't have to."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A cowboy boarded a regional plane in Montana one day when mountain
winds made flying hazardous. In spite of the repeated requests of the
stewardess, he refused to fasten his seat belt.
 "Young lady," he finally snorted, "for twenty years I've rode
everything I mounted, and I ain't about to be saddle-tied now. Let 'er
buck, I'll ride 'er."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 When a dentist asked the location of her aching tooth, an actress
said, "First row, left, in the balcony."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 At a party a pretty, well-stacked girl with a low-cut evening gown
was wearing a tiny gold airplane on a chain around her neck. A young
man kept staring at it.
 "Do you like my little airplane?" she asked.
 "Yes," he said, "but I admire even more the landing field."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The young lady who was tanned on her vacation was better off than
the one who was sunburned on her weekend.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 NEWS ITEM: Mrs. H, in attempting to get out of the car, fell to
the pavement, injuring her somewhat.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A minister asked a little girl how she liked her first church
service. "The music was nice," she said "but the commercial was awful
long."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 He was president of the bank and a confirmed bachelor, but during
his fifties he decided to marry. So he took unto himself a plump widow
with a beautiful eighteen year old daughter. It was soon obvious that
the former bachelor was much more interested in the daughter than in
her mother. Chided by some of his directors for causing gossip
injurious to the bank, the president defended himself: "I am merely
following a basic rule of sound banking practice: 'Have fun with the
interest, but never touch the principal."'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 An elegant society lady rushed out into Madison Avenue and was
almost upended by a bemused pedestrian. He apologized profusely, but
she froze him with a look and muttered, "How gauche!" "Simply fine,
lady," answered the pedestrian, then added solicitously, "How gauche it
with you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A crotchety rhinoceros asked, "Where do you fool monkeys pick up
all those wild rumors you keep circulating?" "We get them," explained
one dignified monk, "over the apevine."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 In an obviously enchanted forest near the home of Mrs. Mary
O'Brian, in San Bernardino, lived two families of amiable, hard-working
gnus, who often enjoyed picnicking together. Each family boasted one
young mischief-maker, however, though each mother was convinced her own
little gnu was the innocent dupe of his evil friend. "You should punish
that rascally brat of yours," shrilled one mother finally. "A sound
spanking might do him some good." "Spank my son, indeed," huffed the
other. "Why don't you go paddle your own gnu?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It was Walter Winchell who declared that he always praised the
first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone
the first cast?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Broadway publicity man bought a new electric typewriter and
crawled under the desk with the extension cord to plug it in. A client
caught him in the act. "You press agents!" he chortled. "Always looking
for a plug."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was a shapely chorus line in the musical, "How Now, Dow Jones,"
who confessed to a sentimental attachment for a real-life
sixty-year-old banker in Wall Street. "Every time he calls," she
admitted, "I get chinchillas running up and down my spine."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Mike Douglas, speculating on how flop theatrical ventures first
became known as "turkeys," suggests that it may be because so many of
them are produced for a poultry sum. (Mike adds that October 1st every
year is the day real turkeys start counting how many chopping days
there are to Thanksgiving.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after
another finally got a break. A broken leg, to be exact. A cruel
contemporary pointed out that it's the first time in his career the
poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Three recent converts to Christianity were being tested.
 "What is Easter?" the first man was asked.
 "Easter is when Jesus was born."
 "Go back and study," they said to him. "Next!"
 "What is Easter?"
 "Easter," said the second man "was when Jesus split the Red Sea."
 "I'm sorry," he was told. "You'll have to do some more studying.
Next!"
 "What is Easter?" the third man was asked.
 "Easter," he said tentatively, "was when Christ was reborn."
 "Excellent. Please continue."
 "Well," the man said cautiously, "he was in the grave for three
days...."
 "Very good; and then?"
 "And then he came out, saw his shadow--and went back in!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend: "My priest knows
more than your rabbi!"
 "Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A reformed rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom
Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by
himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified
his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth.
 On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball
directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in
one.
 The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?"
 "Sure," answered God with a smile. "Who can he tell?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A suburban family bought a new Mercedes and wanted a rabbi to
bless it. They called the Orthodox rabbi.
 "Rabbi, would you make a bracha over our Mercedes?" "How can I do
that?" he replied. "I don't even know what a Mercedes is." Next they
called a Conservative rabbi. "Rabbi, would you make a bracha over our
Mercedes?" "I'm sorry," he replied. "I don't know if I can or not."
Finally, they called a Reform rabbi. "Rabbi, would you make a bracha
over our Mercedes?" "Sure," he replied. "But what's a bracha?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 THREE Reform rabbis are bragging over who has the most progressive
temple. "In our temple," says the first, "we have ashtrays in the pews
so that our congregants can smoke during the Torah reading."
 "That's nothing," says the second rabbi. "In our temple we ,,
serve a special snack during Yom Kippur--ham sandwiches."
 "Not bad," says the third rabbi, "but in our temple, when Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur come around, we simply put up a big sign:
`Closed for the Holidays.'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Apparently they are building a monument to the Berlin Wall. It
will be 19 feet tall, 3 feet thick and run 24 miles through the centre
of Berlin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A frog was mired deep in the rut of an old muddy road. As hard as
they tried, his friends couldn't pull him out. After exhausting all
their efforts, they sadly gave up and left. But the next day they found
their friend by the pond, joyful and very pleased with himself.
 "How did you get free?" they asked in astonishment. "We thought
you couldn't get out of that rut."
 "I couldn't," explained the frog, "but a truck was coming, and I
had to."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It's always easier to forgive your enemies after you have gotten even.

 I got a book on obsessive compulsive disorders. Its great. I've
already read it 623 times.

 I've always been good at keeping secrets. Its the people I tell them to who
can't.

 Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it.

 I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Former hockey goalie Jacques Plante asks, "How would you like a
job where, every time you make a mistake, a big red light goes on and
18,000 people boo?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 As usual, the Super Bowl stadium was sold out, so one fan was
surprised to see an empty seat in front of him. He made note of the
oddity to a nearby woman, and she explained that the seat belonged to
her husband, who had recently passed away. "I'm very sorry," responded
the man. "Really, I'm surprised another relative or friend didn't jump
at the chance to take his seat." "Me too," she said. "They all went to
the funeral instead."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Splintered Spanish
MUCHAS GRACIAS: The lawn needs mowing.
LA SOPA ES FRIA: Sample box of soap.
ESTOY LlSTO: Santa Claus's notebook.
ESO SI: Fill er up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A MAN 
A MISS 
A CAR - A CURVE 
HE KISSED THE MISS 
AND MISSED THE CURVE 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, here's some politically correct terms for you...

Politically Incorrect         Politically Correct
___------------------         -------------------
Blind                         Visually challenged
Deaf                          Aurally challenged
Short                         Vertically challenged
Oriental                      Asian
Black                         Oppressed minority
Female                        Oppressed majority
Girls                         Pre-women
Boys                          Boys
White                         Pigmentationally challenged
Male                          Y-chromosomally afflicted
Heterosexual                  White Male Scum
Elderly                       Chronologically challenged
Poor                          Fiscally challenged
Liberal/Socialist             Correct
Conservative/Right Wing       Incorrect
Dead                          Metabolically challenged
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Two pollacks were hunting and got lost in the woods. 1st pollack
"I heard that if you are lost you should stay were you are and fire a
shot in the air. Then wait till your found.
 The other pollack agrees. Several hours pass and still they are
lost.
They have fired many shots in the air 1st Pollack "You know, I don't
think this is working."
 2nd pollack "Your right, and besides we're almost out of arrows."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Didja hear about the stuffy taxidermist who gave his pet parrot
mounting apprehension.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A wise old crow perched himself firmly on a telephone wire. He
wanted to make a long-distance caw.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It was one of those nights not fit for man or beast, but a
hardhearted father sent his son out to herd the sheep with nothing but
an old flickering lamp to guide him. A few hours later, the father
found his son fast asleep under a tree, with the lamp extinguished, and
awakened him with a solid kick in the rear. Rubbing himself in the
appropriate place, the son complained, "It was so cold and dark when my
lamp blew out that I surrendered to Morpheus. Do give me a new wick for
my lamp." "Nay, nay," his father rebuked him, "and know you this, you
sleepyhead. There is no wick for the rested."
