    IT'S ABOUT THIS THING CALLED AGE

    How do I know my youth is spent?
    My get up and go has got up and went
    But in spite of it all I am able to grin
    When I think the places
    My get up has been.

    But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed
    With my ears in a drawer
    My teeth in a cup
    My eyes on the table
    My hair on a stand
    Until I wake up.

    When I was young my slippers were red
    I could kick up my heels clear over my head
    When I grew older my slippers were blue
    But I could still dance the whole night through
    Now that I'm old my slippers are black
    I walk to the store and puff my way back

    The reason I know my youth is all spent
    My get up and go has got up and went
    But I really don't mind
    When I think with a grin
    Of all of the places my get up has been

    Since I have retired from life's competition
    I busy myself with great repetition
    I get up each morning and dust off my wits
    Pick up the paper and read the obits
    My name's not there I know I'm not dead
    So I eat a good breakfast
    And go back to bed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                THE CHICKEN AND THE BUREAUCRAT
                      by Lorne Strider

     It all began one fine morning in Long Valley, April 1st, 2001.  A
friend dropped by and left me with a laying hen in a cage.  What a
nice gift!  I relished the thought of fresh eggs for breakfast.  How
grand!  Well, first to build a nice little house for her.

     Dust a-flying, I hammered and sawed as the coop took shape.  It
was not your ordinary hen coop, but a fine and royal miniature
Victorian finished off with shiny yellow paint with white trim. The
straw-filled egg basket was inside.

     Just as I was putting the last touches on the weather vane on the
roof, I heard an ominous rumble in the sky. Frop-frop-frop!  In
whirled the patrol helicopter of the County Land Use Enforcement
Commission!  The noisy craft shuddered to a halt right in my flower
garden, its wind blowing the landscape every which way.  Before the
dust settled, out jumped an enforcement agent bedecked in the splendid
uniform of the Enforcement Patrol.

     He swaggered over, magnum and stick on belt, notebook in hand,
and boomed; "Looks like several crimes, misdemeanors, violations,
infractions and nonconformances have occurred here!"  I trembled in
shock, "I...I..."  "Anything you say will be used against you!", he
declared as he wrote furiously in his notebook.  "But it's just a
little chicken house," I cried!  I saw that further protest was to no
avail and watched with dismay as the agent chronicled my crimes in his
report.

     "You are charged by the people of the state with the following
infractions:
  1) no permit for farm animal
  2) no permit for farm dwelling
  3) no egg productions permit
  4) no State or County Agricultural Clearance Slip,
  5) no permit from County Farm Bureau
  6) improper zoning
  7) non-conformance with the Great Plan
  8) Health and Safety violations
  9) no permit from Coastal Commission
  10) setbacks..." and on he droned.

     The burly enforcement agent handed me my copy of the indictment
and nailed a giant red proclamation to my hen house.  You are in a
heap of trouble friend, better go see the authorities and clear your
name".

     As the noise of the department helicopter faded I sat
contemplating my predicament.  Being a law abiding type, I didn't know
what else to do but go and apply for the necessary permits.

THE NEXT DAY

     What a place the Bureau of Permits was.  Vast halls and
corridors.  Seemingly hundreds of windows with busy clerks and long
lines of people.  I was not the only one in search of the proper
permits.

     After milling through the crowd a while I found the farm animal
section, subsection chickens, and fell in at the end of the line.  Two
and a half hours later, I reached the window to find that it was the
chicken window alright, but only for permits for 11 to 25 chickens.
The window for 1 to 10 chickens was further down the great hall.

     After reaching the correct window, the one for 1 to 10 chickens,
I again joined the end of the line.  A half hour later as I reached
the window, the clerk slammed down the gate and closed for the day.

     Well alright, back again first thing in the morning.  This time I
reached the window and filled out the proper forms in triplicate.
This only took 45 minutes.

     Next was the Hall of Building Supervision.  This office demanded
blue prints to scale, site plans, engineering reports, materials list,
contractors ID number, nine copies of all.  Plus copies of all permits
issued by other agencies.

     And so it went, from window to window, bureau to bureau,
commissioner to commissioner.  Egg Board, Agricultural Board,
Non-conformance board, and the Zoning Commission.

     The zoners were the most difficult. I had to get on a list for a
hearing and the agenda was booked for six months.  It seems I was in a
zone that allowed 11 to 25 chickens.  The variance would allow me to
keep just one chicken.  They claimed it would take even longer to get
my property rezoned for one chicken.

     After posting bail at the Bureau of Land Use Enforcement (BLUE) I
began the long process of permit approval at the Office of the Great
Plan. There in the quiet and reverent halls the dedicated technicians
and priests were hard at their tasks.  The Great Planners were
designing a better world for us all.  I hoped there would be room for
my hen in this brave new world.

     I was determined not to be discouraged.  I was going to
persevere!  So on I went, to the Architectural Board, the bearded and
bespectacled Archeological Commissioners from the university, Air and
Water Board, Seismic Safety Bureau.  Then, at last, the Peoples
Commission on Good Taste.

     The Commissioners of Good Taste were relentless in their zeal to
do their duty.  Such dedicated civil servants I have never seen.  They
scrutinized my application forms, maps and drawings.  They made
numerous field trips for onsite inspections of my little hen house.
After several sessions I agreed to compromise.  They would grant their
approval if I would re-paint the hen house brown with yellow trim.

     So I re-painted, covering over the offensive yellow.  The chicken
didn't seem to notice.

     July 2010, and the last permit arrived in the mail!  Aha!  I
persevered to the last and won!  In this mood of jubilation I rushed
out back to show the hen the pile of completed permits.  But, alas, as
I approached the fading brown hen house the chicken was lying on its
back, lifeless.  Its wings were folded neatly across its breast in
tranquil repose, a smile on its face, possibly reflecting visions of
that happy barnyard in the sky.

     She was a good hen, one egg a day for nine years.  Little did my
chicken know she lived her whole life illegally and in violation.  An
outlaw to the last.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral          by Ed Bluestone

 1.  Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
     love with you.

 2.  Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
     your contact lens.

 3.  Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

 4.  Tell the widow that you're the deceased gay lover.

 5.  Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
     deceased.

 6.  At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

 7.  Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
     not in it.

 8.  Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

 9.  Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

10.  Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
     sneak him into the coffin.

11.  Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12.  Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13.  Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

14.  Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
     can be read before the funeral is over.

15.  Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
     who can't afford firewood.

16.  Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

17.  Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

18.  Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19.  Take up a collection to pay off the deceased gambling debts.

20.  Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.

21.  Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's
     last kiss.

22.  Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

23.  If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

24.  When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the
     deceased's mouth.

25.  Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
     "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

26.  At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to
     decompose.

27.  Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

28.  Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

29.  Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the
     coffin for back-taxes.

30.  Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a
     straight face while praising the deceased.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
To my darling husband......

Dear John,

  I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so
that you will be sure to read it.  Please forgive the deception, but I
thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM
computer entered our lives two years ago.

  The children are doing well.  Tommy is 7 now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts.  He drew
a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but
yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very
realistic.  You would be proud of him.

  Little Jennifer turned 3 in September.  She looks a lot like you did
at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart.  She still
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday.
What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the
electricity was out.

  I am also doing well.  I went blonde about a year ago and was
delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr.
Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and
has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the
household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind
being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you
sneeze.  The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted
last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the
painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother.
Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is
taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a
housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep
things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your
desk, -just the way you like it.  I hope you and IBM have a lovely
time while we are gone.

  Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your
disks are booting.


Love,  Mary.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Communism:        You have two cows. The government takes both of
                    them and gives you part of the milk.

 Socialism:        You have two cows. The government takes one of them
                    and gives it to your neighbor.

 Fascism:          You have two cows. The government takes both of
                    them and sells you the milk.

 Nazism:           You have two cows. The government takes both of
                    them and then shoots you.

 Bureaucracy:      You have two cows. The government takes both of
                    them, shoots one, milks the other, and then pours
                    the milk down the drain.

 Capitalism:       You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a
                    bull.

 Anarchy:          You have two cows. They decide you have no right to
                    do anything with their milk and leave to form
                    their own society.

 Industrialism:    You have two cows. You dissect them both,
                    and figure out how to build a milk-factory
                    instead.

 Centralism:       You have two cows. And a problem finding them
                    in the middle of field with 100,000,000 others.

 Environmentalism: You have two cows. You recycle the milk
                    and give it back to the cows.

 Democracy:        You have two cows. The vote is held, and they
                    win.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                             What is guilt?

  Guilt is the need to say you're sorry when you had absolutely
nothing to do with what happened in the first place.

  One out of four Americans feels guilty all the time.  Think of three
of your closest friends.  If they seem OK, you're in trouble.

  We think the definitive example of guilt concerns the fellow who
gets sick at the office.  Since the boss isn't around, a co-worker
says, "Why don't you go home?"  So, he does.  He goes home, up to the
bedroom, and finds the boss making love to his wife.  He sneaks out
and rushes back to the office and grabs his friend, "Great advice you
gave me.  I almost got caught."

          IT'S BETTER TO HAVE GUILT THAN NO NEUROSIS AT ALL ......

  You stay married to each other only because you feel guilty about
keeping the wedding gifts.

  If you find less than three inches of toilet paper on the spool in a
public rest room, you leave it alone and crawl to the next booth.

  You straighten up your apartment before the cleaning lady shows up.

  Guilt is always having to say you're sorry.

  You don't like where you work and you also feel guilty about using
gasoline to get there.

                      GUILT WITHOUT SEX IS ....

  At a bullfight, you find yourself rooting for the bull.

  Helping her look for her canary when you've accidently put it down
the garbage disposal.

  Guilt is tossing a slug in a Wishing Well.

  Your girlfriend is pregnant by somebody else - and you still
apologize.

  You sew designer labels in your bargain basement clothes.

  You're sitting in a plastic chair applying for a job and the chair
makes a peculiar human noise so you spend the rest of the interview
squirming in  the chair to make it do it again... and you can't.

  When you were a kid and they took you to see Peter Pan - you never
clapped for Tinker Bell.

             ANYBODY CAN HAVE SEX...  FOR GUILT YOU NEED A MOTHER

  You're stuck in a crowded elevator and you're the only one who had
garlic for lunch.

  You have a genuine leopard skin coat - and you wear it to a meeting
of the Endangered Species Club.

  You send your kids to summer camp even though it's been closed for
three years.

  You park your car in a space reserved for the handicapped and then
pretend to limp away from the car.

  You tip at toll booths.

  Buying your kid a regular lollipop and leaving the cellophane on it
and telling him/her its an all-day sucker.

              YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE UNDER THE QUILT TO ENJOY GUILT

  You see your dentist twice a year and his wife every chance you get.

  Feeding a bear in Yellowstone Park even though the sign says not to.

  You pull somebody up in a self-service elevator and you're so
contrite you get off where they're going.

  Saying what you really think to someone who asks you what you really
think.

  You call the TV cable repairman to come fix your TV picture and the
man who walks up four flights of stairs just screws the plug in
tighter.

  Telling a girl that you've got to go home to your wife when you're
not married.

  Lying to a Girl Scout that you can't buy her cookies because you're
a  diabetic.

                  SEX IS ONLY TEMPORARY...  GUILT IS FOREVER !

  In a phone booth, you redeposit any extra coins that come back -
before the Operator asks you to.

  At the race track you do everything you can to keep your friends
from knowing that you won the Daily Double.

  You object violently to an ethnic joke and then repeat it to
everyone you meet.

  Deep down inside you hate Disneyland.

  Teaching you dog to "stay" and then moving to South Dakota.

  The plants you've been talking to die and you're positive it way

something you said.

  You're positive that your kid is flunking high school because you
didn't buy that encyclopedia like the salesman wanted you to.

  You enjoy the sun in Palm Springs even though you're not recovering
from TB

  Coughing in a theatre - right in the middle of a punch-line.

  Guilt is realizing that you shouldn't have told your shrink what you
really think about your mother.

  You steal a pair of panty hose from your boyfriend.

  It's bringing a box of peanut brittle to a friend and then realizing
she just got her first set of false teeth.

  Asking your husband to go out at night for pizza and ice cream, when
you know you're not pregnant.

  Guilt is selling a parrot you bought from a sailor to a sweet little
old lady.

  Guilt is cashing a two-party, out-of-state check in a supermarket.

  You have a dog in a "no pets" building so every time you run into
the manager, you bark.

  After talking a cop out of a ticket, you immediately rush out and
buy 4 tickets to the policeman's ball.

  You left your pet rock out on the patio and it came down with a
severe case of moss.

  If you lose weight you pad yourself before going to a Weight
Watchers' meeting so the rest of the group won't feel bad.

  You buy caviar with food stamps.

  Telling your kids you never, never shoplifted when you were their
age.

  You forgot to take a shower before you got into the Hydro Spa at the
health club and you tell everyone, "I did.  Can I help it if I'm a
fast dryer?"

  You worry all day at the office because you left your wife with only
a half a tank of gas.

  Guilt is being on the 10 item line at the supermarket with a box of
raisins and wondering if they'll count each raisin as a separate item.

  If you get an envelope with an uncancelled stamp, you drive over to
the Post Office and turn it in.

  Guilt is making change for a quarter in the collection plate.

  You don't enjoy the chocolate mousse for dessert because the person
next to you is on a diet.

  In a public John, you only wash your hands if there's somebody else
around.

  Guilt is taking the last wooden hanger in the closet.

  Your portion of chocolate cake is twice as large as anybody else's.

  Letting your neighbor blame your five year old son for hitting a
baseball through his window.

  Guilt is playing fetch with your dog at the Grand Canyon.

  When you park next to a dinged up car, you leave a note saying, "It
wasn't me that did it!"

  You ALWAYS point out the dents to the attendant before he parks your
car.

  You go to a friend's birthday party and yours is the only gag gift.

  It's offering a cigarette to the guy next to you and it turns out to
be the Surgeon General.

  Making your kids lie about their age at the movie theater, etc.

  Telling your wife you have a headache when you really want to watch
Johnny Carson.

  Guilt is winning three bingo games in a row.

  You enjoy paying income tax, but you're afraid to tell anyone.

  It's putting your empty liquor bottles in your neighbor's garbage.

  Taking the phone off the hook when you're expecting your
mother-in-law to call.

  Guilt is tearing off the label the reads "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER
PENALTY OF LAW."

  Guilt is going through the jelly bean dish and leaving only the
black ones.

  You borrow a friend's car for the weekend and you're too embarrassed
to tell him that you got three parking tickets.

  After a bowl of your mother's chicken soup, your fever goes UP.

  Forgetting your wife's name when you introduce her.

  Having the service station attendant check the oil, water, battery,
tire pressure, and ashtrays.. and then finding out your wife filled
the gas tank just before she picked you up at work.

                          GUILT IS .....

  Coming down with the flu the morning after a party that you and you
boss both attended.

  Going to a wife swapping party when you're really a bachelor.

  In your heart you're glad that Robert Redford has moles.

  You have trouble starting your car when someone is waiting for your
space.

  You can't do anything in the bathroom when people are waiting for
you.

  You lied about the year of your birth to your astrologer.

  You forget the telephone number that Information just gave you and
you're hesitant to call back for fear she'll recognize your voice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
              MEN - WOMEN - THEY DO ACT/THINK DIFFERENT

            NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.

   Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
   After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged.


Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-
regular basis".

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to
know that there's always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I
Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have
made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high
school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note
from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a Blue.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He
buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reached the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car
on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going
to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going Out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
makeup...

Cats:

Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That
must hurt."  The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men
talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.  Women
wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
Brain and Useless.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a
dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have
a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The
lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

 "Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today."

 The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher
hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's
office].

 Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that
would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an
envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                               Tractor Fan

 An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one
broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to
sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn.  He even bought used
tractors from other farmers.  He worked on them and polished them,
treating them like museum exhibits.

 Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off
his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife
in a nice country cottage.  So he put advertisements in local and
national papers, and waited.

 He didn't have long to wait: a few days later he received a letter
from a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of
the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old
vehicles himself.  After a couple more letters the two arranged to
meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday.

 That evening came and the businessman arrived, having managed to find
the place chiefly by virtue of its being the only large building for
several miles.  He soon located the farmer in question, despite the
heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant
conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.

 "Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak
for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to
business, eh?"

 "Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else?
Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke."

 "Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!"  He
then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in
every last particle of smoke in the room.  Then he leaned over to the
partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the
night.

 "Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American.

 "Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                        RULES OF APARTMENT LIVING:

 1.  If someone calls while you are on the phone, do NOT answer the
call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's,
cousin's, sister's, ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is
probably too important to be interrupted.

 2.  Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of
paper
     a.  you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to
         the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name
         and check off a few boxes

     b.  but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and
         are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she
         will be called back at the callee's first free moment, the
         callee will telepathically be aware of this

 3.  Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other
roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a
new one.

 4.  Feel free to leave any & all dirty dishes wherever you please,
certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning
101 and will clean up after you.  Just because you are big enough to
make a mess shouldn't obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.

 5.  If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to
lock the bathroom door!  Your roommates should be able and considerate
enough to drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet.  Also,
make sure that you take a 40 minute shower--it really stinks when a
roommate leaves for work early and you have to take the bus.

 6.  Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all
times--we are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to
conserve energy--let other less important people do that.

 7.  If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your
roommates room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it.
It's important that they know you are going to make a phone call to
your dog!

 8.  Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as
possible to whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother
you again--how dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not
doing!

 9.  Never, ever,ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate won't do
it, just let the apartment stink.   You were not born a garbage man,
so why lower yourself to that level especially when you are a
princess?

 10.  If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride
with her, but don't bother to offer her any money for gas.  This is
the 90's and gas is free for all Summer Interns.

 11.  Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the
bathroom sinks and in the shower.  Don't clean out your brush over the
trash can, of course your roommates want to look at pieces of your
broken hair each and everytime they go to the bathroom.

 12.  Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because
it was buried behind all the STUFF that is piled in the refrigerator.
Mold is a beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop
through its stages.

 13.  Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen.
Whether it be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking.  Even
if its not open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not
themselves.  Oh, and if your roommate questions you about missing
food, pretend you know nothing about it--you can always blame it on
the cookie monster.

 14.  If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to
feed them when she leaves town--then DON'T bother wasting your time
feeding them. They're only fish, they probably won't need to eat
anyways.

  15.  If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a
cd player or stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room.  She
won't mind if you leave it, or any of her cd's, on the floor.  After
all, if it is not yours, why should you have to put it away??!!??

 16.  Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in
your roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be.
She probably doesn't want to use HER pot anyway.

 17.  If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel
like cooking for someone else--you should definitely take your
roommates chicken and cook it.  Oh, and be sure that you tell the
dinner guest that it is YOUR food.

 18.  If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants
some spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to
go into a roommates cabinet and give away theirs.  They can always go
to the grocery store and buy some more for themselves.  Oh, and don't
tell them that you've given it away either until the ever so friendly
neigbor brings back a few drops of it and thanks YOU for GIVING it to
them.

 19.  If you think that you have an incredibly sexy body--show it off
to your roommates at any opportunity possible--walk around in your bra
at all times. Some people get really turned on by stuff like that.

 20.  Sometimes it can get really hot at night, especially when you
find it necessary to leave the air-conditioning running at 80 degrees,
so try sleeping without any underwear on--your roommates are certain
to find looking at your bare behind a sight to remember.

 21.   If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with
her because she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do
the following:
     a.  insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you around
         the city
     b.  don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible
     c.  be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a
         rotten time that you had.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 A young man joined the Army and signed up as a paratrooper. He
went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps
from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his
first jump from and airplane. The next day he called home to tell
his father the news.

 "So, did you jump?" the father asked.

 "Well, let me tell you what happened.  We got up in the plane,
and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

 "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

 "Um, not yet.  Then the sergeant started to grab the other men
one at a time and throw them out the door."

 "Did you jump then?" asked the father.

 "I`m getting to that" the young man replied. "Everyone else had
jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane.  I told the
sergeant that I was too scared to jump.  He told me to get off
the plane or he'd kick my butt."

 "So, did you jump?"

 "Not then.  He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed
onto the door and refused to jump. Finally he called over the
Jump Master.  The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-
foot five, and 250 pounds.  He said to me, ``Boy, are you going
to jump or not?''  I said ``No, sir.  I`m too scared.''  So the
Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.  I
swear, it was as big around as a baseball bat!  He said, ``Boy,
either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this thing up
your ass.''"

 "So, did you jump?" asked the father.

 "Well, a little, at first."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                     A DOCTOR'S REPLY TO DEPRESSION

Dear Doctor:

    I feel horrible.  I just want to die.  My life is a shambles. My
career is down the toilet.  My love life is non-existent. My kids hate
me.  Nobody cares.  What should I do?

                                         Sue

Dear Sue:

    All of us have felt this way at one time or another, so you're not
alone. We really do care about you and your problems. There is a
solution.
    The problem in your life is that you are trying to take
responsibility for your actions. You should never have started doing
this, but it's not too late to change. Do the following:
    1) Quit your job. The whole career scam is designed to make people
think they are going somewhere when they aren't. No one actually has a
career, they just keep doing the same old thing until they get too
old, then they die. You must absolutely NOT give any notice to your
employer. This is part of the "responsibility mentality." Just fail to
show up. Forget about the severance check. See Step 3.
    2) Poison your children. People seem to think that children are
somehow sacred. Wrong! They are just like any other disposable
commodity. If they don't turn out the way they should have, trash
them. Just because they are your children doesn't mean that they
aren't still part of the food chain. Please use an
environmentally-approved poison. If you fail to perform this step
(which many feel is the hardest one) the retches will come back to
haunt you later, and will once again turn your life into a living
Hell.
    3) Get rid of all your possessions. Do not try to sell them, as
you end up with money which a weak-willed person such as yourself
would inevitably spend. Make a big pile containing everything you own
and burn it. Remember: possessions are burdens, which must be cared
for, guarded, repaired, replaced. You really don't need that kind of
aggravation, do you? (Please don't donate your possessions to the
needy. This will only put them into the same pathetic situation as
you.)
    4) Get rid of your spouse or S.O. You have spent half your life
trying to please this person and what has it gotten you? Nothing. He
cheats on you with other women, he calls you "the old sperm bag" when
you aren't around, and deep in his heart loathes and despises you.
Dump him. The best way to do this is to wait until he comes home blind
drunk again and passes out on the couch after puking on the rug. Douse
him with lighter fluid (or any other handy flammable liquid), stand
back a safe distance, and throw a few lit matches in his general
direction. For maximum efficiency, this step can be combined with step
3. (WARNING: some spouses carry insurance. This is the last thing in
the world you want. See comments in Step 3 again. Forge a suicide note
the husband/lover. This will invalidate most insurance policies.)
    5) Sell yourself into slavery. This will liven up your love life
more than you would believe. Eventually, you will be passed on to the
right man for you. (If this seems too extreme, as some people seem to
think, you might start off with a few years as a streetwalker. This
will condition you to the point that slavery will seem pleasant. If
you are unsure of how to get into"the life", look under "pimp" in your
local Yellow Pages.)
    If you do these things as soon as possible, your depression will
fade away like fog under the morning sun, you will look forward to
each new childlike anticipation, and life will seem like a bed of
cherries.

    Sure hope this has helped,


                    Dave X President, American Psychiatric Association
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                               WIMP

He wouldn't open an oyster without first knocking on its shell.

He's a regular rock of Jello

He's so nervous, he keeps coffee awake.

He's never married. He's a self-made mouse.

He has as much guts as a skeleton.

They call him Jigsaw. With every problem he goes to pieces.

He's so indecisive, when his psychiatrist asked him if he had trouble
 making up his mind, he answered, "Yes and no."

Those smoking reports makes him so nervous that he smokes twice as
 much.

He's so timid, he tells the elevator operator, "The 22nd floor,
 Please. If it won't take you out of your way."

His ulcers are from not what he eats...but what is eating him.

He's the real decisive type. He will always give you a definite
"maybe."

His psychiatrist told him, "You don't have an inferior complex
 problem.  You ARE inferior."

He's so indecisive he has yet to name his 7-year-old son.

He's a man of conviction...after he knows what his wife thinks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
             "WOMAN CLIPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBANDS PENIS, THEN THROWS
                              IT FROM MOVING CAR"

               Don't laugh, it's true and it could happen to YOU!

 Right now, thousands of agitated, irate women have read that headline
and are contemplating taking that same action against YOU the next
time you make what they feel is an unwanted sexual advance, look at
them the wrong way, or just "piss them off" in general (not to mention
the added possibility of PMS or "that time of the month").

                    MEN, protect yourself NOW!!!

 If you found yourself the victim of this "Clip and Flip
Syndrome"(CFS) could you be sure that the appropriate authorities
would find your clipped off member IN TIME and INTACT?  Could you be
sure that the penis part is yours and not some other poor victims?

      MUTUAL OF OEDIPUS INSURANCE is now offering two insurance
policies to help take the fear and terror our of your relationships.

 Sign up now for our low cost *Pecker Protector Plan*.  We will
register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own unique
registration numbers, insuring that in case of separation, you will
get a perfect match every time!

 Or for just a little more money, you can sign up for our premium
*Jurassic Prick Program* in addition to the basic *Pecker Protector
Plan*!!    With this plan, we take a cell sample from your penis and
quick freeze it and cryogenically store the sample for up to 100
years.
In event you are a victim of CFS, and a tractor trailer runs over your
severed part, or a neighborhood dog mistakes it for a chew toy, or
your attacker decides to dispose of your detached member in the
garbage disposal -- we will clone a replacement part for you!

                    Don't get caught short - sign up now

                    See your Mutual of Oedipus Agent TODAY
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                           A COMPUTER FRIEND

 Most people, considering buying a computer the first time, rely on
the advise and guidance of a friend.  As a rule this friend will try
to get you to purchase the same type of computer he has, and this is
usually a good idea because it is the only computer they even begin to
understand, and they probably couldn't help much if you got a
different kind.

 If you don't have any friends, no problem.  Just stop into the local
computer store and a salesman will be only too happy to be your friend
(especially if you have a valid charge card).  He knows if he becomes
your friend, and you will take his advise, he will be able to pay for
college and take a world tour by the time he is twenty (most computer
salesmen appear to be about 15 years old).   If you buy a system from
him, he will be your friend and adviser for life (or until about the
third time you call with a problem).

 You new computer will arrive at your home in the most technically
advanced shipping boxes science can create.   When you open the boxes
you will find your computers virginity protected by thousands of
little plastic peanuts which take on a life of their own.  They will
soon be everywhere but it the shipping carton or the garbage can.

 Remember you must keep the original shipping boxes and everyone of
those little plastic peanuts, and store them somewhere save, because
you cannot return your computer for warranty work unless you repack it
in the original box, with all the original plastic peanuts.  (Of
course, you will never be able to figure out how to correctly put
everything back into the box anyway, but that is your problem.)

 Next you need to contact all of your computer friends and "borrow"
copies of any software programs you need.  No one ever BUYS programs
themselves.  It is amazing that all those software companies stay in
business!

 Shortly after setting up your new system, you will likely discover
that before you can actually do anything with your computer, you will
need to purchase another $3,000.00 worth of hardware.

 Now your Computer friend will come over and help you learn to operate
your new system.... after about 3 hours he will have to leave... and
all he will have accomplished is getting the screen to show a message
that reads "UNKNOWN COMMAND".

 At this point you will have to sit down for about a month and read
the 400 different manuals that came with the system.

 Good luck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
         "THE STATE OF SOME MARRIAGES IS TERMINAL"
                            by Art Buchwald

     For every home computer sold in America, there is a
computer widow somewhere.  I dropped over to see the Bengals
the other night.  Mrs. Bengal offered me a drink.
     "Where's Walter?" I asked Adele.
     "Where he always is these nights.  He's in the library
talking to his home computer."
     "He talks to a computer?"
     "All the time.  It's taken the place of television,
conversation and foreplay," she said bitterly.
     "I didn't know Walter was into computers."
     "That's all he's into.  As soon as he finishes dinner,
he leaves the table and says, 'Well, I've got to go in and
program a new household fiscal budget for 1983.'"
     "At least he's working to save you money."
     "He says he's working on a new budget, but I walked in
last night and he was playing 'Star Wars.'  He told me he was
just checking out his floppy disk drive.  I've never felt so
alone in my life.  At least when he watched football I could
sit next to him.  But now that he has a home computer he
says he has to be alone with his software."
     "You poor kid.  Maybe he'll tire of it."
     "No way.  He reads computer magazines the way he used to read
'Playboy'.  His idea of a centerfold now is a 64-K Ram Micro-
Computer that will expand to 128K bytes and produce a six-color
high graphic screen resolution."
     "Has he told you this?"
     "No, but he talks in his sleep."
     "Well, at least he's not dreaming about another woman," I said.
     "I could compete with another woman," Adele said, "But I
can't compete with a computer.  We have no communication any
more.  The only language he uses is BASIC, COBOL and
FORTRAN.  I'm at my wits' end."
     "You're not thinking of leaving him?"
     "I threatened to last week and he said to hold off until he
could program all the variables, and come up with a modified
alternative."
     "Have you ever thought about getting your own home computer
and plugging into his?  Perhaps you could talk that way."
     "I'm not interested in interfacing with him through a
terminal.  After all, we're in the same house."
     "Maybe I should talk with him," I suggested.
     "You can try, but I doubt if it will do any good."
     I went into the library and found Walter hunched over
his keyboard.  "Hi, Walter.  Am I disturbing you?"
     "No," he said, squinting at me.  "I was only justifying
my margins."
     "How's life?" I asked.
     "Fine.  I was having a problem with my cursor for a
while, but I straightened it out by adding a protocol."
     "You have to be careful of cursors," I said.  "What news of Adele?"
     "Wait a minute," he said, "I'll find out."
     He put in a disk, pushed a code key, and typed on the
screen ADELE.  Then he hit his RETURN button.
     "Here it is," he said.  "She's either in the kitchen, the
bath, her bedroom, or went to a baseball game."
     "A baseball game?"
     Walter looked worried.  "That doesn't sound right.  But it's
no problem.  All I have to do is hit this DELETE button."
     "Adele thinks she's losing you to a floppy disk retrieval
system," I told him.
     "That's ridiculous," Walter said.  "All I'm trying to do is
store and index data that will be able to forecast how we can enjoy
the September years of our life."
     "We've been friends for years, so I'm going to ask you a very
personal question, Walter.  How much do you love Adele?"
     Walter, without saying a word, inserted a disk, and started
hitting the keyboard.
     "What are you doing?" I asked.
     "I'm counting the ways.  It's much faster to do it on a computer."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                    MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS
                      FOR "RANCHING?"

 1.  A wide-brimmed hat, one pair of tight pants and $20 boots from a
     discount house.

 2.  At least two head of livestock, preferably cattle -- one male,
     one female.

 3.  A new air-conditioned pickup with automatic transmission, power
     steering and trailer hitch.

 4.  A gun rack for the rear window of the pickup, big enough to hold
     a walking stick and rope.

 5.  Two dogs to ride in the bed of the pickup.

 6.  A $40 horse and a $300 saddle.

 7.  A gooseneck trailer, small enough to park in front of a cafe.

 8.  A little place to keep the cows, on land too poor to grow crops.

 9.  A spool of barbed wire, three cedar posts, and a bale of prairie
     hay to haul around in the truck all day.

10.  Credit at the bank.

11.  Credit at the feed store.

12.  Credit from your father-in-law.

13.  A good neighbor to feed the dogs and cattle whenever the owner is
     out in Colorado fishing or hunting.

14.  A pair of silver spurs to wear to barbecues.

15.  A rubber cushion to sit on for four hours at the auction ring
     every Thursday.

16.  A second-hand car for going out to feed the cows when your
     son-in-law borrows the pickup.

17.  A good pocket knife, suitable for whittling to pass away the time
     at the auction ring.

18.  A good wife who won't get upset when you walk across the living
     room carpet with manure on your boots.

19.  A good wife who will believe you when you come in at 11 p.m.,
     saying "I've been fixing the fence."

20.  A good wife with a good full-time job at the courthouse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                   WHO'S BOSS?

When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body
argued over who would be the Boss.

The Brain explained that since he controlled all the
parts of the body, he should be Boss.

The Legs argued that since they took the Man
wherever he wanted to go, he should be the Boss.

The Stomach countered  with the explanation that
since he digested all the food, he should be the boss.

The Eyes said that without them, Man would be
helpless, so they should be Boss.

Then the Ass Hole applied for the Job.  The other parts
of the body laughed so hard that the ass hole became
mad and closed up.

After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got
wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and
were unable to see.

They all finally conceded and made the Ass Hole Boss.

This proves you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...

Just an asshole!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                         Little Red Ridding Hood

   One day Little Red Ridding Hood was walking to her Grandma's
house, when she met one of the Three Little Pigs.

   The Little Pig said, "You better be careful Little Red Ridding
Hood, the Big Bad Wolf is looking for you, and he says when he
finds you, he is going to pull up his dress, rip off your panties and
screw you silly!"

   Little Red Ridding Hood said, " Yeah, well I'm not afraid of any
mangy ol' wolf."  And she when skipping down the path to
Grandma's  house.     Soon she met the second of the Three Little
Pigs.

   "You better be careful, Little Red Ridding Hood," said the Second
Little Pig, "The Big Bad Wolf is out to get you, and he says when he
catches you he is going to pull up you dress, rip off your panties,
and then he is going to screw you silly!"

   Little Red Ridding Hood said, "Oh sure he is, we'll see about
that..."

   And Little Red Ridding Hood took off again for Grandma's house.
Before long she met the third of the Three Little Pigs.  The Third
Little Pig said, "You better turn around and go home, Little Red
Ridding Hood.  The Big Bad Wolf is just up the trail, and he is
telling everyone that he is going to catch you and pull up your
dress, and rip off your panties, and then he is going to screw you
silly."

   Little Red Ridding Hood, said, "Well, I ain't afraid of any
old wolf." and went on toward Grandma's house.

   SUDDENLY the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and
snarled, "Ah Ha!, I got you now Little Red Ridding hood!  Now I am
going to pull up your dress, pull down your panties, and screw you
silly!"

   Little Red Ridding Hood smiled, reached into her cape, and
pulled out a .357 Magnum, pulled back the hammer, and pointed it
at the Big Bad Wolf's nose and said, " All right you son of a bitch,
let's get this strait, you Are going to pull up my dress, and you ARE
going to rip off my panties, BUT, then you are going to EAT ME, just
 like the story says!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  These two drunks at a bar go to the bathroom to piss.  When they
are done, one of them forgets to zip up his fly.  So after they sit
back down, one drunk says, "Hey I saw a snake sitting on that stool
as you sat down.  As a matter of fact, I can still see it's head."
So he grabs a bottle, and smashes it onto the other man's penis.
  "Hit it again," says the other man, "it just bit me."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man sat at the bedside of his dying wife.  Her voice was little
more than a whisper.  "Darling," she said, "I have a confession to
make.  I'm the one who took $25,000 from your safe.  I spent it on a
fling with your best friend.  I was the one who paid your mistress to
leave town.  And I reported your income tax evasion to the I.R.S.
Can you ever forgive me?"
  "Of course, dear," the man said. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.  One complained to the
other, "Boy, business sucks.  If I don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking ass."  Too late he noticed a beautiful
blonde sitting two stools away.  Immediately, he apologized for his
bad language.
  "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this
month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  Jimmy runs up to his grandfather and ask "Grandpa, will you speak
like a frog?" Grandpa looks at him as says he can't. A little while
later,  Timmy asks him "Grandpa, please talk like a frog." Grandpa
says "What is it with you and your brother? I can't talk like a frog.
Why do you want me to?" Timmy replies, "Because Daddy says as soon as
you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                                    TIPSY

* He's not one to do things in halves....He does them in fifths.

* When he returns from lunch, he is so loaded they make him take the
  freight elevator.

* He's been frequenting a new night club. It has the nicest tables
  he's ever been under.

* When he gets a cold, he buys a bottle of whiskey, and in no time it
  is gone. The whiskey, not the4 cold.

* Since he has been visiting a psychiatrist, he now drinks on the
  couch.

* He's the nicest chap on two feet...if he could only stay there.

* In taverns all over town he is regarded as one of their most
  unsteadiest customers.

* If it weren't for pretzels, he'd be entirely on a liquid diet.

* He frequents so many bars that his suits aren't dry cleaned. They
  are distilled.

* If there's a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.

* He would be an interesting specimen to an entomologist. A good
  specimen of a bar fly.

* On his last birthday, he lit all of the candles on his cake.

* When the boss asks him to work overtime, he demands time and a
  fifth.

* He has been warned that alcohol is slow poison. He says he doesn't
  mind.  He's in no hurry.

* He is a very public spirited person. He drinks spirits in public.

* The only time he drinks is when he is with somebody or is alone.

* He only drinks on the days ending in "Y".

* It takes only one drink to make him drunk. He's not sure if it is
  the ninth or tenth.

* No wonder they all call him "Truck". He always has a load on.

* He believes in a balanced diet. A drink in each hand.

* At a party, he never plays Spin-The-Bottle. He will never let go of
  it.

* Some times he is held up going home.  That is the only way he will
  get there.

* Once, in a hospital, he asked for water. Everyone thought he was
  delirious.

* He deducts his liquor bills as a medical expense as he drinks to
  everyone's health.

* He's been getting to high that soon he will have to drink with a net
  under him.

* He was recently a judge in a beauty contest. The competition wasn't
  very stiff, but he was.

* He's been on a drinking mans diet. Now he is a thin lush.

* He hates the sight of liquor. That's why he drinks so much..to get
  it out of sight quickly.

* It's called for a tremendous amount of willpower on his part, but
  he's finally seceded in giving up trying to give up drinking.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PHILOSOPHIES OF LIFE

 1.  A beer delayed is a beer denied.
 2.  A beer in need is a beer indeed.
 3.  A mind may be a terrible thing to waste, but a waist is a
     terrible thing to mind.
 4.  Alcohol is not a problem, until you can't get any.
 5.  Alcoholism is not a disease, it's a goal.
 6.  All cats are grey in the dark.
 7.  All women are beautiful, some are just less beautiful than
     others.
 8.  Any more than three shakes is fun.
 9.  Do it once, do it right, and _m_a_y_b_e she'll let you do it
     again.
10.  Don't drink and drive, get all of your drinking done before you
     get behind the wheel.
11.  Don't drink and drive, you might spill it.
12.  Don't get caught with your pants down when the lights come on.
13.  Don't let the little guy think for the big guy. (Similar)
14.  Don't let your dick rule your life.
15.  Don't waste beer, there are sober people in India.
16.  Fat, drunk, and stupid is the only way to go through life.
17.  Get drunk and be somebody else.
18.  Girl's suck, until you ask them to.
19.  I drink, therefore I am!          (One of our favorites)
20   I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position.
21.  I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
22.  I'd rather have a bottle in front of me then a frontal labothemy.
23.  I'll never ever not drink again!!!
24.  If it didn't stink, they wouldn't call it shit.
25.  If we don't drink it, someone else will.
26.  If you must drink and drive, drink excessively, drive fast, and
     take the most indirect route.
27.  It was a woman who first drove me to drink, and I never did stop
     to thank her.
28.  Life's a bitch, then you marry one.
29.  Never get married in the morning, you'll never know who you'll
     meet that night.
30.  No machine can replace man until it learns to drink!
31.  Only use moderation in moderation.  (A rule of life)
32.  The only time I refused a drink I didn't understand the question.
33.  When in doubt, drink heavily.
34.  Women, can't live with them, can't leave them by the curb when
     you're done with 'em.
35.  You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the
     people some of the time, but you can never fool your dad.
36.  You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you
     can't pick your friend's nose.
37.  You can prick your finger, but never finger your prick.
38.  You could do that, but it would be wrong.
39.  You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's something fun from the Gay Teachers Association newsletter
published in New York, June 1984.  Copyrighted.  It was written by
Martin Rochlin and originally appeared in "The Empty Closet"
(Mar. '84).

THE HETEROSEXUAL QUESTIONNAIRE

 1.  What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

 2.  When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

 3.  Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow
     out of?

 4.  Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic
     fear of others of the same sex?

 5.  Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

 6.  Heterosexuals have histories of failures in gay relationships. Do
     you think you may have turned to heterosexuality out of fear of
     rejection?

 7.  To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies?  How did
     they react?

 8.  Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try
     to force it on me.  Why do you people feel compelled to seduce
     others into your sexual orientation?

 9.  If you choose to nurture children, would you want them to be
     heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?

10.  The great majority of child molesters are heterosexual.  Do you
     really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual
     teachers?

11.  Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public
     spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are
     and keep quiet about it?

12.  How can you enjoy a fully satisfying sexual experience or deep
     emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex, when the
     obvious physical, biological, and temperamental differences
     between you are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a
     woman sexually, or vice versa?

13.  Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

14.  With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate
     is spiralling.  Why are there so few stable relationships among
     heterosexuals?

15. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals.  Techniques have
    been developed with which you might be able to change if you
    really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was a very poor tribe in Africa.  They did not have much
of value, with one exception.  They had an ivory and Gold
throne.
 The village elder would sit upon this throne during the day
and pass judgement and dispense wisdom to all who would seek
him out.
 At night he would take the throne in with him and stow it in
the rafters of his grass hut.

 On evening while he was sleeping the rafters broke, and the
throne fell down and badly injured the elder.

 It was later decided that the throne would no longer be stored
up inside the hut; because it was a known fact that

 PEOPLE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULD NOT STOW THRONES.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"THE BALLAD OF THE WASHINGTON HILL-BILLY'S"

 Come and listen to my story
  'Bout a man named Slick,
 Might have been a good guy,
  But his head was kind of thick.
 Yeah he was a coward
  Really kind of daft
 So he ran off to England
  Just to dodge the Draft
    Read the Constitution,
     But the words were too big.
      'specially Article 1, Section 8

 So a friend said Slick,
  You really are a jerk,
 Get into politics,
  Put your BS to work.
 So he decided to take the risk,
  'n went back to Arkansas,
 Put Flowers on his desk,
  'n spent everything he saw.
    Stopped burnin' flags.
     Burned taxpayers instead.
      Better'n draft cards.

 Democrats couldn't find someone,
  To take on Georgie Bush,
 All too far to the left,
  Or grabbing someone's tush.
 So he gathered up his faggots,
  Put on his plastic smile,
 Waffled like an IHOP,
  'n lied through his teeth in style.
   Told 'em what they wanted to hear.
    Could always renege on it later.
     Damn, but he's good at that!

 So Slick went off campaigning
  On radio and TV shows,
 With Hillary complainin'
  Remove your finger from your nose"
 His friend picked up the tuner
  Spun the dials all around
 Slick stood there in amazement
  Marvelin' at the sound.
   Ron Brown's spinmeisters at work.
    Suckers were buyin' it.
     He just said "Duh".

 Now Slick is always happy,
  Though his mind is on the blink,
 'Cuz Hillary's always with him,
  And tells him what to think.
 He sends troops off to combat,
  With a big ole goofy grin
 Dragon Lady nodding in agreement,
  As the drool runs down his chin.
   Bloody pools of it.
    Forgot all about Viet-Nam.
     Now he's the Coward-in-Chief.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                      THIS PERSON IS REALLY IMPORTANT

  A man drove up to the pope's house one day in a long stretch limo.
The pope walked out and was about to get into the car when he said to
his driver, "You know, I've always wanted to drive one of these
things. Someone always drives for me." And the driver said, "You go
ahead and drive it, your excellency." "Get in the back, okay?" The
pope says, and the driver does.

  So the pope goes up to the driver's side door, gets in and drives
away. A little while later, a cop pulls him over for speeding. So, he
rolls down the window and waits for the cop to come over. "Yes?" the
pope asks.

  "Uhh... you were speeding," The cop says. He didn't expect the pope,
I'll tell you that. "Well then I have to have a ticket, now don't I,
my son?" "Uhh... wait just a minute, your excellency, I'll be back."

  So the cop, who by the way, was a rookie, walked back to his car and
picked up the radio. The dispatch said, "Hello?"  "I need Sergeant
Jones." So the dispatcher lady transferred him, and the rookie asked,
"I need some help."

  "Well, speak up, son!" The sergeant said, "I haven't got all day,
you know!"

  "Yes sir. But I pulled someone over who I don't know if I should
give a ticket to."

  "Why not?" The sergeant asked, "if he was speeding, then he needs
to have a ticket.

  "But this person is REALLY important."

  "Is it the mayor?"

  "No,"

  "Is it the governor?"

  "No, it isn't," The rookie replied.

  "Is it a senator? A representative?"

  "No, more important than those people."

  "Is it the president?"

  "No, still more important that him."

  "Then who is it?"

  "I dunno," The rookie replied, "But the pope is chauffeuring him!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                  HEADLINE:  NEWS OF THE WEIRD
                     BYLINE: CHUCK SHEPHERD

  BODY:
  Cairo, Egypt, Gov. Omar Abdel-Akher announced in August that the
centuries-old tradition of throwing virgins (and in recent years,
statues representing virgins) into the Nile to hold back the floods
would have to end because of concern that the river is becoming too
polluted.

  CANCELED CANDLES: In August, Food and Drug Administration agents
raided a store in Columbus, Ohio, that had an inventory of "ear
candles," which are hollow candles that in theory will loosen
hard-to-remove wax from a person's ears. (The candle is placed in
the ear and lighted on top; the oxygen sucked from the hollow canal
creates a vacuum that loosens the earwax.) FDA said neither the
safety nor the effectiveness of the candles had been demonstrated.

  RED-TAPE RELEASES: In July, Sacramento, Calif., police began a
crackdown on the city's homeless who were illegally camping out.
Numerous citations were written, but almost as fast as the citations
came to court, the court clerk - following official procedures -
voided them because they lacked home addresses for the accused.

  NOTEWORTHY: James Cramer, 25, and Rudolf Warren, 24, were
arrested in August and charged with four robberies of Buffalo, N.Y.,
banks. The pair came to the attention of police when officers made a
routine traffic stop of Warren, who was alone and driving Cramer's
car, and asked for his registration papers. Warren reached into the
glove compartment and handed all the papers to the police,
inadvertently including the holdup note the two had been using ("I
have a gun. Put all the money in the envelope quickly!").

  The New York Times reported in April that Kansas lawyers Michael
Harris and Fletcher Bell were successful in filing worker
compensation claims for back injuries suffered at work: Harris got
almost $ 35,000 for the strain of reaching into the back seat of his
car for his briefcase, and Bell got $ 95,000 for his injury lifting
his briefcase from the trunk of his car.

  A court in Trenton, N.J., ruled in June that James Huckfeldt
would have to pay for the legal defense of his two teenage sons
because the family is too well-off for public defenders. Huckfeldt's
sons are charged with trying to hire a hit man to kill him.

  In April, police in Chandler, Ariz., arrested Arturo Ortiz, 33,
who weighs 135 pounds, after he allegedly had broken into a home and
begun fondling a woman as she slept. The woman weighs 260 pounds and
easily subdued Ortiz by twisting his wrist behind his back and
holding him until police arrived. Said the woman, "I'm large, and he
happens to be small."

  In January near Alvin, Tex., Andrea Guerero, 18, and her brother
came across a man who was slumped over the wheel of his truck and
not breathing, and Andrea administered CPR until an ambulance
arrived to take the victim to a hospital, where he recovered.
Guerero was on her way home from a CPR certification exam, which she
had flunked.

  During a nationally televised August preseason game, Denver
Bronco defensive tackle Darren Drozdov, who was in his stance
opposite the offensive center awaiting the snap, vomited on the
ball. Afterward, he told reporters, "I get sick a lot. I was a
quarterback in high school, and I'd start throwing up on my center's
back. I don't have a lot of control out there."

  ALL IS FORGIVEN?: Milton Byrd, 32, was arrested in August for
the robbery of a Purity Supreme supermarket in Boston when, one month
and a day after the robbery, he walked back into the store to apply
for a job and was recognized by one of the employees.

  40 MILES OF BAD ROAD: On Good Friday this year, on his way from
Hillsdale to Clinton, Mich., Christopher Ray Tirb drove off the road
into a signpost, then awhile later swerved across the center line
and sideswiped another car, then awhile later rear-ended a truck,
which necessitated a call for an ambulance. En route to the
hospital, the ambulance carrying Tirb was hit by another car.

NEXT TIME, NO FILTERS: Two Milwaukee Psychiatric Hospital doctors, in
a recent issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association,
told of a 44-year-old patient who attempted suicide by an overdose of
nicotine. After drinking a pot of strong coffee, he stuck seven
nicotine patches to his chest and began smoking cigarettes, two at a
time, hoping to induce a heart attack. After two hours, he panicked
and gave it up.

   In July, the government of Thailand started a hospital program to
treat elephants addicted to amphetamines. The elephants were given
the drugs to make them work harder and to withstand injury in
hauling logs out of jungles.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                        CITY OF LOS ANGELES
                 High School Math Proficiency Exam

NAME:____________________               GANG:____________________

1.   Johnny has an AK47 with a 30 round clip.  If he misses 6 out of
     10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how
     many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to
     reload?

2.   Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sell an 8 ball to Jackson
     for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram.  What is the
     street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut
     it?

3.   Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each
     trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus
     can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?

4.   Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more
     profit.  How many ounces of cut will he need?

5.   Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100
     for a 4x4.  If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many
     Chevies will he have to steal to make $800.

6.   Raul is in prison for 6 years for murder.  He got $10,000 for
     the hit.  If his common-law wife is spending $100 per month,
     how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and
     how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent
     his money?

7.   If the average spray can covers 22 sq. ft., and the average
     letter is 3 sq. ft., how many letters can a tagger spray with
     3 cans of paint?

8.   Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang.  There are 27 girls in
     the gang.  What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector
     knocked up?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 You did hear 'bout the religious leader called The Shan didn't
you.

 They had a big reception for him at the U.N. the other day.
He just went crazy, tore the whole place up.  In fact the room
was a shambles when he was done.

 Late comers were amazed and bewildered when they saw the
carnage.  They would ask "What Happened"

 The reply that always followed was:
  "Weren't you here when the fit hit The Shan?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender "Bartender, I want to
buy everyone in the bar a drink, and I want you to have one yourself."
So the bartender does as asked and serves the bar and has one for
himself........ The bartender tells the man, "That will be $94.50."
The man tells the bartender, "Sorry I'm broke." So the bartender beats
the man into the floor and throws him out into the gutter.......

 A week later, the same man walks into the bar and tells the
bartender, "Bartender I want to buy everyone in the bar a drink, and I
want you to have one for yourself."  So the bartender does as asked
and and serves the entire bar and has one for himself.......
The bartender tells the man, "That will be 78.50." Once again the man
informs the bartender, "Sorry I'm broke."  So the bartender again
beats the man senseless and tosses him out on the street......

 A week later once again the same man walks into the same bar and
yells, "Bartender I want to buy everyone in the house a
drink."............. The bartender replies, Well OK but how about my
drink."  To which the man replies, "Fuck that, You get to violent when
you drink."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
      A suburban housewife came home from her bridge game to find her
husband in bed with a voluptuous lady.  The wife bellowed, "What's
going on here?"

      The husband said, "Don't get excited.  This girl was on the
road, trying to get a ride.  I offered her a ride.  She hadn't had
anything to eat all day, so I brought her home to feed her.  I
happened to notice that her clothes were torn, so I gave her that old
pair of jeans you don't wear.  Her blouse was in bad shape, so I gave
her that tailored shirt you haven't worn in five years.  She was
barefooted, so I gave her those white sandals.  You'll never wear
them.  And then she asked me,
 "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 A man was having a great deal of trouble with his phone.  After
talking to a dozen people at the company, he finally blew his stack
and said to the last party, "Why don't you take your phone and shove
it?"

 "Sir, you can't talk that way to us!  You shouldn't even have a
phone. I'm going to see that it's picked up!"

 Within an hour, two burly phone company repairmen appeared at his
door.  The man asked to make one call.  Dialing, he said into the
phone, "Are you the lady I told to take the phone and shove it?"

 "Yes, I am."

 "Get ready.  They're bringing the phone!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 A florist finished making deliveries and stopped off in a coffee
shop.  As he sat there, three bikers right out of a biker movie came
in.
 Garbed in black leather, with tattoos running the length of their
arms,  the bikers looked at the mild-mannered florist and tried to get
him riled.  They made fun of his pink shirt.  They threatened him in a
dozen ways.  He smiled at them, finished his coffee and pie, and
started out.
 The bikers followed him out.  In the parking area, they again tried
to get him to put up his fists.  He walked away.  Laughing at him, the
bikers strode back into the coffee shop.

 A few minutes later, a man who'd witnessed the taunting outside
came into the diner and said, "That guy wasn't much of a fighter.
I'll tell you something else, too.  He isn't much of a driver either.
He just ran his van over three bikes!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sure you all have heard/seen the Hillary's Health Care Dictionary
originating (as far as I know) from a fan letter to Rush Limbaugh.

I have a few additions.....

Advil   .....................   Used to hammer things on
Aspirin .....................   Having great ambitions
Bruise  .....................   A six-pack
Capsule .....................   A space ship
Constipation    .............   An important U.S. document
Fracture        .............   A number less than one
Infection       .............   Russians coming to the U.S.
Mamogram        .............   A quick note to Mom.
Midwife .....................   Second wife in three marriages
Scalpel .....................   What Indians used to do
Stimulant       .............   5 billion dollars
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Tired of asking the same old questions of the day's arrivals,
Saint Peter decided to ask about their automobiles.
 When asked what kind of car he'd driven, one said, "A BMW."
Saint Peter pushed a button and the applicant fell through a hole
into the fiery depths below.
 A second drove a Mercedes.  He, too, went down through the hole.
 A third said, "I drove a Chevy."   Saint Peter opened the gates wide.
 "Come on in," he said.  " You've been through hell already!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                           PHILOSOFACTS

If you would lift me, you must be on higher ground.

Advertisement for lawn sprinkler system:  "Dew it yourself."

A politician leads an active life.  When he isn't straddling an
issue, he is dodging one.

The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going
to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

Children are natural mimics.  They act like their parents in spite
of every attempt to teach them good manners.

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all
your keys at once.

When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to
convince him.

Overheard on the elevator:  "Their marriage was going O.K. until
they bought a water bed...then they started drifting apart."

Constant use will wear out anything - especially friends.

Have you noticed how, the older you get, the less you expect from
life?  In Sun City, bumper stickers read:  Have an Acceptable Day.

It's only fair that the government is now protecting senior
citizens against catastrophic illness.  Sometimes just realizing
you're a senior citizen is catastrophic enough.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing.

I'm convinced that in a past life I was somebody named Occupant.
And they're still forwarding my mail.

I've changed my mind a dozen times.  It seems to work better now.

One pound of learning requires ten pounds of common sense to apply it.

To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Rush Limbuagh gets onto to an elevator and the door closes.  As
the elevator begins to ascend he notices the other occupant: Hillary
Clinton.  When there eyes meet she begins to tear off her clothes and
pant, "Oh Rush, you've got to make me a real woman!"
 After thinking for a few seconds, Rush begins to disrobe.  He
hands his clothes to Hillary and says,  "OK, Here fold these."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Ted Kennedy is sitting in his office when his secretary bursts in.
"Senator," she asks, "what are we going to do about this abortion
bill?"
 Kennedy sighs and mumbles, "Pay it, I guess."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  John had to take a short stay at his local hospital with a broken
leg.  John was sharing a room with a man who had obviously been
involved in a major car accident and was in traction and hanging from
the ceiling.

  John's roommate was also unable to talk due to his injuries.  While
John was lying in his bed with his own leg in traction, he had the
urge to urinate.  John pressed the nurse call button and the very
inconsiderate and grumpy nurse answered "Can I help you?"  John said
"Yea, I got to take a piss".  Suddenly the nurse ran into the room and
told John "Don't you ever say that again over the intercom.  There are
people walking down the hall that can hear what you say.  From now on
when you have to urinate, you call me and tell me that you have to do
number 1".  John said okay and proceeded to relieve himself.  When the
nurse left, John's roommate began to writhe about wildly and grunt.

  John said "What's the matter man, are you in pain."  The man shook
his head no.  "Then what is it?" asked John.  "Do you have to piss?"
The man again shook his head no and was getting more and more
agitated.

  John said "Well what is your problem, do you need to take a crap?".
The man began to nod his head with all his might.  John then proceeded
to press the nurse call button again and again.  The nurse finally
came on and said "Yes, what is it now?"  John replied, "Well I don't
need anything but my buddy needs to take a shit and you didn't give
him a number!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 They say, ever since he met JFK as a kid, Bill Clinton wanted to be
President in the worst possible way... And he's succeeded beyond his
wildest dreams.

 Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
 A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

 Q: Why do they put Bill Clinton's picture on the insides of toilet
    bowls?
 A: So the assholes can see who they voted for.

 The trouble with Bill Clinton is that he approaches every issue with
an open mouth...

 Election night...
 Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
 Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
 Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''

 Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
 A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

 A Washington woman calls 911: ``There's a Republican standing outside
my window, masturbating!''
 ``Lady, how do you know he's a Republican?''
 ``If he was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!''

 Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
 A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his
    two-lane back.

 Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
 A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

 Q: If Bill & Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument,
    who'd land first?
 A: Who cares?

 Clinton has designed a new energy efficient car with no seat and no
steering wheel, for those of us who have lost our asses and have
nowhere to turn.

 Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble
is, medical care is a frill.

 The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and
Hillary's faces on them. But test marketing showed that the customers
would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.

 Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
 A: Trying to save both faces.

 Clinton is shaking hands with voters.
 ``Pleased to meet you,'' says one old man, ``I've heard a lot about
you.''
 Clinton laughs: ``But you can't prove any of it!''

 Bill Clinton's is addressing a gathering.
``We've got to tighten our belts...''
The audience is clapping.

 ``We've got to make sacrifices...''
 The audience goes wild.

 ``Things will get much worse before they get better...''
 Audience: ``Thank you, Mr. President!'' ``That's good for the
business!''

 Bill is flabbergasted. ``I'm trying to tax all the business out of
business, what the hell are you telling me that I'm doing something
that's good for your business?  Where am I at, anyway?''

 Aide: ``At the undertakers' convention!''

 Pre-election voter registration drive in Arkansas. Two Democrat
activists are walking through the local cemetery, copying the names
off the tombstones.
 They come across an old tombstone so covered with dirt and moss that
they can't make out the name.
 ``Let's skip this one,'' says one.
 ``Naw, this man's got as much right to vote for Bill Clinton as
anyone else lying in this cemetery.''
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                  McDonnell Douglas Warranty card...


                          McDonnell Douglas
                   AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

                        Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other

First Name ________________ Initial ____ Last Name ___________________

Latitude ______________________ Longitude ____________________________

Altitude ___________________ Password, Code Name, Etc. _______________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

 _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-19A Stealth  _Classified

3. Date of purchase:  Month __________ Day __________ Year ___________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

___Received as Gift/Aid Package
___Catalog Showroom
___Sleazy Arms Broker
___Mail Order
___Discount Store
___Government Surplus
___Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
   you have just purchased:

___Heard loud noise, looked up
___Store Display
___Espionage
___Recommended by friend/relative/ally
___Political lobbying by Manufacturer
___Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
    decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

___Style/Appearance
___Kickback/Bribe
___Recommended by salesperson
___Speed/Maneuverability
___Comfort/Convenience
___McDonnell Douglas Reputation
___Advanced Weapons Systems
___Price/Value
___Back-Room Politics
___Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

___North America
___Central/South America
___Aircraft Carrier
___Europe
___Middle East
___Africa
___Asia/Far East
___Misc. Third-World Countries
___Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to
   purchase in the near future:

Product                           Own         Intend to purchase
Color TV                         _____       _____
VCR                              _____       _____
ICBM                             _____       _____
Killer Satellite                 _____       _____
CD Player                        _____       _____
Air-to-Air Missiles              _____       _____
Space Shuttle                    _____       _____
Home Computer                    _____       _____
Nuclear Weapon                   _____       _____

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?  Check all
    that apply:

___Communist/Socialist
___Terrorist
___Crazed (Islamic)
___Crazed (Other)
___Neutral
___Democratic
___Dictatorship
___Corrupt (Latin American)
___Corrupt (Other)
___Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

___Cash
___Suitcases of Cocaine
___Oil Revenues
___Deficit Spending
___Personal Check
___Credit Card
___Ransom Money
___Traveler's Check

12. Occupation                    You        Your Spouse

Homemaker                        _____       _____
Sales/Marketing                  _____       _____
Revolutionary                    _____       _____
Clerical                         _____       _____
Mercenary                        _____       _____
Tyrant                           _____       _____
Middle Management                _____       _____
Eccentric Billionaire            _____       _____
Defense Minister/General         _____       _____
Retired                          _____       _____
Student                          _____       _____

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
    the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
    participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest                 You         Your Spouse
Golf                             _____       _____
Boating/Sailing                  _____       _____
Sabotage                         _____       _____
Running/Jogging                  _____       _____
Propaganda/Disinformation        _____       _____
Destabilizing/Overthrow          _____       _____
Default on Loans                 _____       _____
Gardening                        _____       _____
Crafts                           _____       _____
Black Market/Smuggling           _____       _____
Collectibles/Collections         _____       _____
Watching Sports on TV            _____       _____
Wines                            _____       _____
Interrogation/Torture            _____       _____
Household Pets                   _____       _____
Crushing Rebellions              _____       _____
Espionage/Reconnaissance         _____       _____
Fashion Clothing                 _____       _____
Border Disputes                  _____       _____
Mutually Assured Destruction     _____       _____


Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500
----------------------------------------------------------------------
               He was only a Chocolate Chip Cookie,
                       but I loved him.

  I met him at a party. There he was at the end of the buffett--
  a loner, the last one on the plate. He had a certain something
  -- a sweetness, a sensuality. He was one hot cookie.

   I felt as if I'd always known him, always hungered for him.
   When he looked at me with those warm brown eyes, I melted.
   Before I knew it, I had my hands on him, my mouth on him--
   in public. After that night we were inseparable.

   With him, I could be myself. He didn't seem to care what
   mood I was in, how I looked, even if I gained weight.
   Together, we had the recipe for happiness. No one satisfied
   me like "Chip".

     THEN THINGS CHANGED. My friends said he was no good for me.
   He started to give me heartburn. I felt crummy, but it had to end.

      Now we've gone our separate ways. I hardly think of him
   anymore. Oh, if I see a certain TV commercial, a particular
   magazine ad, a coupon for 10 cents off -- that old longing
   returns. And when we run into each other in the supermarket,
   we nod. We're friendly. But it's over.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                    WHILE YOU WERE OUT IN A MEETING

Mr./Mrs./Miss/
Ms./Rev./Massa/ _____________________________________________
                                (name)

 Check One

( )  Telephoned.
( )  Did not Telephone.
( )  Thought about telephoning, but then
        changed his or her mind.
( )  Telephoned, but could not for the LIFE of
        him or her remember why.
( )  Telephoned, then hung right up, but I am
        certain it was him or her.
( )  Wants you to call and attempt to leave a
        message for him or her.
( )  Wants to fire you.
( )  Wants to reveal a sordid episode from his
        or her past involving a goat.
( )  Wants to end World Hunger in our lifetime.
( )  Wants your body.
( )  Wants for nothing.
( )  Wants to tell you the joke about the man
        who finds out that he has only eight hours to
        live, so he goes home and makes love
        with his wife once, twice, three times, and
        finally they fall asleep, and at 3 A.M. he
        tries to wake her up, and she says, "Not
        AGAIN! Some of us have to get up in the
        morning!"
( )  Ate paste as a child.
( )  Has the clap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
-----------------------------------------------

10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too
    close?"
 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
 2. "We brake for cubes!"
 1. "Wesley On Board!"

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship
-------------------------------
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD
-------------------------------------
20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
 9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
 8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead"
    in research
 7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
 6. Two words: tether ball
 5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
 4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
 3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
 2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
    and the number one use for Data's detatched head...
 1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life
    insurance policy

SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE
------------------------------------------------------
  1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
  2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium
     and tritanium.
  3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
     excessive thought first
  4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
  5. Have figured out the stardate system
  6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
  7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
  8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
  9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and
     "The Omega Glory"
 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
 13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
     Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
 14. Understanding Klingon
 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
     dramatic stylistics
 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
     sequences in ST:TMP
 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers

20 Things that never happen in Star Trek
----------------------------------------
 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it
    has encountered several times before.
 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
    are all perfectly alright.
 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which
    later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a
    funny hat.
 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
    which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
    sick-bay.
 6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
    people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
    Directive.
 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
    another without a serious incident.
 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface
    with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has
    forgotten to bring the right leads.
 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as
    a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
    staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
    which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
    which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
    everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
    revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
    fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it
    to everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
    is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
    and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
    obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
    themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
    genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
    git,and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own
    age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
    being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in
    three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
21. The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon
    cruisers, but the superior firepower of federation phasers blows
    them into bits too small to find on the first shot.

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
--------------------------------------------------------
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on
    the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a
    shuttlecraft
 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his
    forehead
 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
    life-forms
 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
    Dick Hertz
    is there
 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her
    "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
    Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead,
    Make it so"
 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away
    team beams back up

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise
--------------------------------------------------------
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf a nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future
   just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's
   crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during
   self-destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
   Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                         NEW COMPUTER VIRUS

PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
 This revolutionary virus does not horse around.  It warns you of
impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
 Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:
 Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old  it is.  If
you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a  counselor
about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
 Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing
quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:
 It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
 Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS:
 Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

THE MCI VIRUS:
 Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for
the AT&T virus.

TED TURNER VIRUS:
 Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
 Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
 Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without
joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS 2:
 Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't figyour
out watt.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
 Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is
fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
 Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just
thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
 Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of the computer.

GALLUP VIRUS:
 Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:
 Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort,
Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS:
 Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
 Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS:
 Hard to identifiy because it is constantly altering its appearance.
This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
 The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS:
 You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS:
 Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS:
 Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS:
 Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only
to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural
America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
 Turns your printer into a document shredder.

NIKE VIRUS:
 Just Does It!

SEARS VIRUS:
 Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a
set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
 Nobody can find it.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't
allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
 Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:
 Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money
from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it
purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS:
 Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
 Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill
for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
 It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test.... no new files!" on the
screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with
new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS:
 Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS:
 It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and
erases them in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS:
 Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but
you still love it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
CHAPTER 1: THE PUBLIC URINAL

1.1 Introduction

  One of the advantages of being a man is that the queues in public
restrooms are shorter. No longer need you stand for ages in a line
that never seems to move, surreptitiously doing pelvic floor
exercises and hoping that nobody will notice. No longer need you
embarrass need your friends by making them stand in the middle of
picture theatre lobbies with a blank expression and a dripping
ice-cream.

  It does, however, mean that you must master the intricate
protocol associated with public urinals. Most men have been learning
the rules since they were little boys. You have to learn in a
hurry, lest you accidentally commit a serious offense against good
manners.

 1.2 Where to stand

  Let's start with the sort of urinal which has no divisions between
the standing positions. The main skill needed here is to know where
and how to stand.

  Starting from an unoccupied urinal, the first man to enter must
stand at one of the extreme ends. It is best to stand very slightly
angled away from the centre, but not so much that it is obvious. The
idea is to create a little corner of privacy without seeming to do so.

  The next man to arrive must, of course, go to the other end; and the
one after that must stand precisely in the middle. The three men
normally do not talk to one another, although an almost inaudible
grunt is expected from new arrivals. Conversation is, however,
permitted in the urinals at a football stadium.

  Now comes the tricky part. The fourth man to arrive has a choice of
two positions, and in either case he must stand precisely halfway
between  the two men beside him. At the same time, the man standing in
the centre position - and, to a lesser extent, the new arrival - must
subtly shuffle his feet sideways so as to equalize the distances
between adjacent men. It is extremely important to be able to do this
without seeming to do so.

  Given enough traffic, there will eventually come a point where a
new arrival would have to touch his neighbour. Since this is
unthinkable, the new arrival must stand back and wait for someone
else to finish. Some men will, in this situation, go into one of
the stalls - leaving the door open, in order to make it clear that
they are only urinating - but this is widely regarded as cheating.

  The rules are much simpler in the new-style urinals, i.e. the
porcelain devices designed to satisfy every man's natural urge to
piss in the washbasin. Here again there is a tendency to occupy the
end ones first, but a different decision is not considered to be
a serious breach of etiquette.

1.3 Where to look

  It is essential, when using a urinal, to stare directly ahead. A
brief look downwards to check your aim is permitted; but continuing
to look down is in bad taste. Examining yourself for signs of
disease or injury is most definitely out; this activity should be
confined to the private stalls.

  Glancing at what your neighbours have hanging out of the front
of their trousers is a very serious violation of decorum. If you
are really curious, you must look out of the corners of your eyes
without in any way moving your head.

1.4 The final shake

      "No matter how you shake your peg
      The last few drops run down your leg.
      Now matter how you jump and prance
      The last few drops run down your pants."
                (Traditional, author unknown)

  Having finished your business, give three firm shakes to the
instrument. Fewer than three would result in an incomplete clearance
of the pipeline. More than three gives rise to suspicion of public
masturbation.

  Be wary of giving such a strong flip that drops land on your
neighbour's face. It might be wise to practise this at home
before venturing out in public.

  If wearing tight pants, it is advisable to undo the top completely,
rather than relying on the fly alone. Otherwise you will find
yourself pointing slightly upwards. This is not a problem in itself,
but it can create a reservoir which is not properly cleared by the
final shake. The resulting stain on the front of your pants, which
does not appear until you have already walked out, can be most
embarrassing.

1.5 Miscellaneous advice

  Ensure that you tuck yourself completely into your underwear before
doing up the zipper. Insufficient care in this operation can lead
to excruciating pain.

  Little boys like to have competitions to see who can get the
highest, or who can bring down flies and mosquitoes in mid-flight.
These are not considered proper activities for grown men.

  It is not considered proper to have an erection in a public
urinal. If it starts to happen, concentrate on mental images
of ice and snow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
      A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM

 Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built
himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal.
These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses,"
"commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any
exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed
through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have
arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:
1.  Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with
  an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2.  A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't
  spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping
  is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3.  No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4.  If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to
  keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules:
5.  All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can
  trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.

6.  Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only
  acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly
  acceptable.

7.  If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult
  different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a
  small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about
  secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the
  government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8.  Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of
  undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy,
  discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but
  is gaining popularity.

9.  Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by
  the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
  outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side,
  then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

  For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable
  configurations:

  X......  (X == occupied, . == empty)
  X.....X
  X..X..X
  X.X.X.X
  XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
  XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
  XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or
  don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is
  threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich
  orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the
  urinal. Don't step back until you've thoroughly shaken off and
  closed your pants again.

Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.

16. Always flush.

17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
  for dealing with the females.
  a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
  b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
  c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females
    are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to
    ignore her presence until you're dressed again.

19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only
  if absolutely no other option is available.

20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
  available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely
  invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin.
  Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or
  insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet
  paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes
  a poor substitute.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                      IF NOAH WERE IN THE AIR FORCE
                      -----------------------------

....And the Lord said unto Noah:  "Where is the ark which I have
commanded thee to build ?"

 And Noah said unto the Lord:  "Verily, of my seven carpenters, two
are TDY, one is on leave, one is short and not worth a denaurius, and
the other three have not yet reached thier five level in boat
building.  Of a Truth, the Gopher-wood supplier with whome we
contracted according to appropriated funds guidelines hath let me
down--yea, even though the gopher-wood hath been on order for nigh
upon 12 months.  What can I do, O Lord?  I am undone."

And God said unto Noah:  "I want that ark finished even after seven
days and seven nights."

And Noah said:  "It shall be so, Lord."

 And it came not to be so.  And the Lord said unto Noah:  "What
seemeth to be the trouble this time ?"

 And Noah said unto the Lord:  "O Lord, be merciful unto me, for my
O.P.R. is in jeopardy.  Surely thou knowest that being project officer
does not mean thou canst simply command and it is done."

 And God said:  "How well I knowest !"

 And Noah said:  "Hear, O Lord, my woes.  Mine civilian sub-contractor
hath gone bankrupt.  The pitch which Thou commandest me to put on the
inside and outside of the ark is unavailable due to budget cutbacks.
The plumbing work which went to the lowest bidder hath sprung a leak
and I cannot locate him.  Shem, my son, who helpeth me on the ark side
of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers, Ham and
Japheth.  Woe is me !"

 And the Lord grew angry and said:  "And what about the animals, the
male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep
thier seed alive upon the face of the earth ?"

 And Noah said:  "They were delivered unto the wrong address, but
should arriveth on Friday."

 And the Lord said:  "What about the unicorns, and the fowls of the
air by sevens ?"

 And Noah said:  "Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line:  Thou canst
not get them for love nor money.  And fowls of the air are sold only
in lots of 10.  Lord, you knowest how it is.

 And the Lord in his wisdom said:  "Noah, my son, I knowest.  Why else
dost thou think I wouldst cause a flood to descend upon the earth ?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  One day while two buddies were dove hunting they saw a dove flying
into their field.  Just as one took aim the dove fell like a rock.
Neither one had heard a shot.  As they both stood in amazement another
dove flew into the field only to follow the course of the first bird.
  The two decided to walk over to the spot where the birds fell to
investigate.
  Suddenly they saw a man lying on the ground looking up into the air.

  "What are you doing?" they asked.  The man replied that he was
hunting.

  "Well how can you hunt doves without a gun?" they asked.  "Well I
ugly them down"  "All you have to do is when a bird flies over, just
look him in the eye and make the ugliest face that you can and they
fall dead."

  Just as he finished another dove flew over and the man on the ground
started making the ugliest faces that they had ever seen.  Sure enough
the bird plunged to the ground.  "How did you learn to do that?" they
asked.

  "Well, I learned it from my wife's family.  My wife can do it and
her mother before her."

  "Well why don't you bring your wife along" the hunters asked.

  The man replied, " I would but she tears them up too  bad".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  I noticed today when I signed on that today is the "anniversary" of
the day that the first electronic wristwatch went on sale in New York.
But I wanted to tell you about the oldest wristwatch ever...

 You all know Alexander the Great.  You see, he had the original
wristwatch. For you see, he was a very fastidious eater.  He enjoyed
know just how long it took him to eat his dinner.  So, when his meal
was served to him, he would take a scarf and dip it into his wine
goblet.  He would then tie the scarf around his wrist and proceed to
eat.

 Based on how much of the wine had evaporated by the end of his meal,
he could approximate just how long it took.  But, this wasn't called a
wristwatch back then.  It was called Alexanders Rag Time Band!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  Many people will remember Golda Mier, the former Prime Minister of
Israel.  Not many though remember her Husband Oscar.  Oscar was an
active terrorist leader in Plasticine in the 1940's, trying to get
Israel recognized as the Jewish homeland.

  Oscar Mier's band of terrorists were very famous, and very 
effective. In fact that band was the basis of what eventually became 
the Musad, the Israeli intelligence service.  Mier insisted that only 
the toughest, nosiest, most dedicated men be allowed to serve in his 
outfit.  He also insisted on strict exercise and dietary rules for his 
men.  His band of men were only allowed to eat wheat and wheat based 
meals.  No meat, very little vegetable or fruit were allowed eyecup 
when they had successfully completed a terrorist assignment.

  This diet had the desired affect on these men, and they were the 
most effective, most ruthless and bloodiest of all the terrorist 
squads operating in Pulsative....

  They were known far and wide as Oscar Mier's all Wheat Meanies!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CLINTON.

On the first day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
The highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the second day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the third day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the fourth day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Four years of fraud.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the fifth day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Five pounds of weed.
Four years of fraud.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the sixth day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Six times the crime.
Five pounds of weed.
Four years of fraud.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the seventh day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Seven feminazis.
Six times the crime.
Five pounds of weed.
Four years of fraud.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the eighth day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Eight gay sailors.
Seven feminazis.
Six times the crime.
Five pounds of weed.
Four years of fraud.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the ninth day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Nine different condoms.
Eight gay sailors.
Seven feminazis.
Six times the crime.
Five pounds of weed.
Four years of fraud.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the tenth day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Ten broken commandments.
Nine different condoms.
Eight gay sailors.
Seven feminazis.
Six times the crime.
Five pounds of weed.
Four years of fraud.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the eleventh day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Eleven pregnant teens.
Ten broken commandments.
Nine different condoms.
Eight gay sailors.
Seven feminazis.
Six times the crime.
Five pounds of weed.
Four years of fraud.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.

On the twelfth day of Clinton,
the liberal gave to me.
Twelve Illiterate Students
Eleven pregnant teens.
Ten broken commandments.
Nine different condoms.
Eight gay sailors.
Seven feminazis.
Six times the crime.
Five pounds of weed.
Four years of fraud.
Three thousand lies.
Too much government
and the highest taxes in our hist'ry.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                               ODDBALL NEWS

BUT MOM, IT'S FUN!

     A dwarf known as "Mister Skyman" wants the French government to 
lift its ban on dwarf tossing so he can have his job back. The 4-foot 
Mister Skyman, whose real name is Manuel Wackenheim, was employed to 
be a human projectile. He dressed in a jumpsuit and a crash helmet 
with bar customers seeing who could fling him the farthest into an 
inflatable mattress.

EVER HEAR OF SIDNEY MOBELL?

     He's the S.F. jeweler who thinks "big" when it comes to jeweled
creations. His latest is a jeweled mailbox with 274 gems totaling 77 
carats and you can buy it for the low price of $250,000.
Some of Sid's other creations:

       Jeweled Toilet Seat                       $240,000.
       Diamond Studded Frisbee                      ?
       Gold Plated, Jeweled Gum Machine           $170,000
       Mouse Trap. The cheese is a Diamond        $12,000
       Hour Glass. 200 tiny diamonds replaces sand    ?

     Mobell considers all a work of art and expects them to be in 
museums.


FREEZE!

     In Sacramento, Frank DeVol, 50, was sitting in his truck when he
witnessed a bank holdup where one culpret tried to escape on a bicycle. Frank had a gun in his car, poked it out of the window, and told the man to lie face down on the pavement. He said he learned this technique from the 1959 movie, "The FBI Story."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From "American Demographics" magazine:

Here's a look at how shrewd American business people translate their
slogans into foreign languages:

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in
leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read
as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish:  "It takes a
sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market, they
were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f -
which makes "Vicks" in German the phonetic equivalent of "sexual
penetration."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
HALLOWEEN PARTY

   A couple were invited to a swank Halloween party, so the wife
bought costumes for both of them. On the night of the party, she
developed a terrible headache and told her husband that he should
go without her. He protested, but she said all she was going to do
was take a couple of aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need
for him to waste his time by not going to the party. So he put on
his costume and off he went.

   The wife, after sleeping for about an hour, awoke without a sign
of pain and as it was only a little after nine, she decided to go
to the party. As long as she knew the costume her husband was
wearing but he didn't know the one she was wearing, she decided to
slip into the party and observe how he acted when she wasn't
around.

   This she did, and as soon as she joined the party the first one
she spotted was her husband, prancing around on the dance floor
with one slick chick and then another, stealing a little feel here
and there, so the wife slid up to him, and being a rather seductive
babe herself, he left his dance partner standing and devoted his
attention to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
and when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed
and they went to the parking lot and got in one of the cars and let
nature take its course.

   Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home
and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation her husband
would give her about the time he had at the party. He arrived home
about 1:30am and went directly up to the bedroom to see how she was
feeling. She was sitting up in bed reading and asked, "what kind of
time did you have?" He said, "Well, I'll tell you, I never danced
a dance. When I got there Pete Jones, Bill Brown and some other
guys were stag, too, so we just sat back in the den playing poker
all night, but I'll tell you one thing, the guy I loaned my costume
to sure had a good time."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Snow

Dec 8 6pm, it's started to snow.  The first of the season and the wife
and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft 
flakes drift down all over the area.  It was beautiful!!!! 

Dec 9 We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow 
covering the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Every tree and shrub
covered with a beautiful white mantle.  I shoveled snow for the first 
time in years and loved it.  Did both our driveway and our sidewalk.  
Later the snowplow came along and covered up our sidewalk with 
compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again. 

Dec 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Oh well, I'm sure we 
will get some more before the lovely winter is through. 

Dec 14 It showed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20
degrees below zero.  Shoveled the driveway again and the snowplow came
by and did its trick--AGAIN. 

Dec 15 Sold my van and bought a 4 by 4 so I can drive in the snow.  
Bought snow tires for the wife's car. 

Dec 16 Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway.  All that was hurt 
was my feelings. 

Dec 17 Still cold (below zero in the a.m.)  and icy roads make for 
very tough driving. 

Dec 20 Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night.  More 
shoveling in store for me today. That goddamned snowplow came by 
twice. 

Dec 22 We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of 
the white shit fell today, and with this freezing weather it won't 
melt until August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, 
jump suit, heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, and gloves), then had the 
urge to pee. 

Dec 23 I was going to go ice fishing today, but my worms froze and I 
didn't want the fish to break their teeth on my bait. 

Dec 24 If I ever catch the son of a bitch that drives that snowplow, 
I'll drag him through the snow by the balls.  I think he hides around 
the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down 
the street 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over what used to be 
my lawn. 

Dec 25 Merry Christmas!!!  They predict another 15 inches of the fucking white stuff tonight.  Do they know who many shovels full of snow 15 inches is????  To hell with Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit.  The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation.  I hit him over the head with the snow shovel. 

Dec 26 We got the 15 inches, and then some.  I must be going snow-blind or have a severe case of cabin fever because the wife is beginning to look good to me. 

Dec 27 The toilet froze.  If you go outside, don't eat the brown and 
yellow snow. 

Dec 28 Just set fire to the house.  Now that white shit won't cling to
the roof. 
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Top 21 Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty 

21: Impuse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of 
     warp coil now help up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image 
     from flickering.
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through
     squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side 
     become too steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
     people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by 
     ten thousand care bears.
 9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
     macaroni and cheese.
 8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
 7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either 
     stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
 6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
     Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
 5: Ship's dryer indiscriminantly shreds crew's uniforms, and related 
     problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing
     with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
 4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty 
     please with sugar on it".
 3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes 
     and loses access to nude volleyball program.
 2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are 
     exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

And the Number One Sign that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty:

 1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Top Ten Plot Lines You Never Saw in Time's Arrow II
---------------------------------------------------
10. Mark Twain stays in 24th century.  Writes best-selling
    "A Connecticut Klingon in King Arthur's Court."

 9. Data's head sings "I've got no body" like Marty Feldman in Young
    Frankenstein.

 8. Troi secretly wishes the rest of the crew loses their heads.  It
    sure would make her job easier!

 7. While in the 19th century, crew runs into the TOS crew in that
    horrid "High Noon" episode.

 6. 19th century people think Riker's a goofball too.

 5. San Francisco really a holodeck simulation as part of a twisted
    Romulan plan.  19th century Guinan is really Sela in disguise.

 4. Captain Picard refuses to reattach Data's head because it "makes
    a nice bookend."

 3. Old West Guinan taken to 24th century.  Drinks and advice now
    served twice as fast!

 2. 12% degregation of Data's head shows its effects.  Data reboots
    into DOS.

 1. Captain Picard finds 19th century fashions extremely comfortable
    and well-fitting.  Wears topcoat and hat for rest of season, 
    ending all shirt-tugging "Picard maneuvers."

Top Ten Other Reasons Barkley was Stressed
------------------------------------------
10. Thought he saw Elvis in the transporter.

 9. Heard a rumor of an upcoming four hour Trek miniseries -- "Return 
    to the Royale."

 8. Holodeck stuck in Disco Fever simulation again.

 7. New Chief Engineer to be Mr. T from the A-Team.

 6. Due to Federation-wide recession, Enterprise refitted for a five 
    year mission to balance the budget.  Barkley transferred to 
    accounting.  No more cool techie adventures!

 5. Poker group keeps using Barkley as an easy mark.

 4. Riker to show his boring vacation slides from his last leave on 
    Raisa again.

 3. Encounter with super-intelligence has left residual effects.  
    Barkley seems to be spending a lot of free time playing Tetris.

 2. Promised he'd babysit Alexander next weekend.

 1. Two words -- "President Quayle!"

Top Ten Lines You Didn't Hear in "Man of the People"
----------------------------------------------------
10. Klingons do NOT do Tai Chi! -- Worf

 9. I don't want anybody else, when I think about you, I touch myself.
    -Troi

 8. I guess this means I get a good evaluation. --that lucky young 
    crewman.

 7. Do we have to bring somebody back from the dead in EVERY episode
    this season? --Beverly

 6. Help me, I'm melting!  -- Evil Ambassador

 5. I am sorry Counselor, I can only repeat that function a limited
    number of times each night.  --Data

 4. What?  No lines? -- Geordi

 3. And I thought *I* had serious psychological problems! -- Barclay

 2. Father, what is "horny?" -- Alexander

 1. Damn, these Betazoids are real PAINS! -- Captain Picard

Top Ten Surprises in Store when the Rest of the TOS Crew Visits
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. Sulu and Riker square off in a "big grin" contest.

 9. Worf confronts his great-grandfather Chekov.

 8. Spock picks up a Romulan sense of humor.  Yikes!

 7. Picard wears a toupee so Kirk feels at home.

 6. Uhura nearly loses an eardrum when she tries sticking a
    communicator/broach in her ear.

 5. Mudd puts a tribble in the replicator.  Comedic hijinks ensue!

 4. Dr. McCoy is actually young and happily well-adjusted.  He just
    appears old and cranky because he is being used as a recepticle of
    evil thoughts.

 3. Geordi learned a little TOO much from Scotty.  He now claims it
    takes "one month" to do a level 1 diagnostic.

 2. Scotty becomes a professor at Star Fleet Academy and makes Wesley
    do a lot of work in radiation chambers.

 1. Nurse Chapell's been stuck in the Enterprise's computer for 75 
    years!

Top Ten Reasons Captain Picard is Voting for Bush
-------------------------------------------------
10. Clinton has too much hair.

 9. Barbara reminds him of his dear Maman.

 8. Loves a good mystery -- like searching for Bush's economic plan.

 7. Would also rather discuss war in Bosnia than fight.

 6. Both have goofy second-in-commands.

 5. Pro-life.  Having unwanted children on the Enterprise makes a
    good plot device.

 4. Enterprise obviously a product of high military spending.

 3. Picard is a Texas Rangers fan.

 2. Who needs an environmental policy when you have a holodeck?

 1. Spelling of potato changed in early 24th century.  Quayle was
    a genius ahead of his time!

Top Ten Reasons Riker's for Clinton
-----------------------------------

10. Heck, Clinton gets the girls.

 9. Pro-choice.  Wishes Wesley was aborted.

 8. Wouldn't mind "doing" Hillary.

 7. Likes name "slick Willie."  (Unfortunately, several of the female
    crew members have been referring to Riker as "quick Willie" if ya 
    know what I mean.)

 6. Doesn't much like his father either.

 5. Riker never went to Vietnam.

 4. Thinks of himself as part of "cultural elite."

 3. Troi likes Clinton -- 'nuff said.

 2. Riker identifies with Democratic Jackass.

 1. Both Riker and Clinton can't play music worth a damn.

Top Five Reasons No One is Voting for Perot
------------------------------------------

5. There's already one Frenchman in charge.

4. Riker will never shave his beard off.

3. Barclay swears that Perot's got "Transporter anxiety."

2. Data says "Perot?  Ah -- demagogue, athoritarian, little Napoleon, ..."

1. Klingons do NOT vote for third party candidates!!!

Top Ten Pranks at Q University
------------------------------

10. Melting Professors!

 9. Getting the answers to the final exam *before* the test is even 
    written!

 8. Changing the gravitational constant of the universe during
    football games.

 7. Rewriting history during lecture, confusing the professor to no 
    end.

 6. Disassembling universes and rebuilding them in friends' dorm 
    rooms.

 5. Creating partial vacuums in people's underwear.

 4. Going to the prom *as* your date.

 3. "Inside-Out Day" -- not your clothes, your body!

 2. Interdimensional panty raids.

 1. Replacing the fine coffee they usually serve with dilithium crystals!
----
Wish me luck on my midterms!
---

Spoilers ahead, so ask your mommy first.

I liked "Rascals."  It had a somewhat lousy plot -- with the
oh-so-getting-overused "just use the transporter to fix any problem"
ending, but it had some very funny lines.

So from the "post-midterm disaster area" in Los Angeles, California ...

Top Ten Changes With the "Kiddie Captain" in Charge
---------------------------------------------------

10. Captain logs now start with "Stardate 90210."

 9. Replicators no longer make vegetables.  (bet you could see that
    one coming a mile away!)

 8. "Ready Room" renamed to "Romper Room."

 7. Souvenir flute from the "Inner Light" traded for an electric 
    guitar.

 6. Can't stop giggling whenever he refers to Riker as "Number One."

 5. Now on a five year mission in search of Teenage Mutant Ninja 
    Turtles.

 4. Alexander new security chief.

 3. Plans on saving all hair clippings "just in case."

 2. Forget all those Shakespeare references -- comic books now the
    order of the day!

 1. In next week's episode, the crew comes down with cooties!

Top Ten Upcoming Plot Lines Stolen from 1970's TV Shows
-------------------------------------------------------

10. Data interviews an array of eccentric characters while taking
    subspace call-ins on "Data-hue."

 9. The crew gets an economic lesson on perceived pricing strategies
    and has the opportunity to win valuable prizes on the "Enterprise 
    is Right."

 8. Data once again tries to find love -- this time by interviewing 3
    lovely ladies with amusing double entendres in "The Data Game."

 7. Captain Picard and the valiant crew defeat the Borg by exposing
    them to music that has a beat they can't resist in "Shake your 
    Borgie."

 6. A series of murders baffles Dr. Crusher until she resorts to
    doing autopsies.  Meanwhile, Q's back.  Yes, it's "Q-incy!"

 5. Troi, Riker, and Ro are trapped during a storm on a planet and
    forced to share an emergency shelter in "Three's a Landing Party."

 4. The Enterprise takes Luaxana and Milton Berle(!) on a romantic
    trip to Raisa.  Meanwhile some comedic Ferengis smuggle some 
    contraband in Luaxana's luggage!  Riker escorts guests to their 
    rooms, Guinan serves drinks, Crusher handles space-sickness, and 
    Picard provides class and wit.  All this and more on the "Love 
    Starship!"

 3. A transporter accident (surprise!) gives Geordi the superhuman
    powers of the Q in "I Dream of Geordi."

 2. Captain Picard pretends he's a detective to whom he bears more
    than just a passing resemblance in "Ko-Jacques."

 1. Any plot from "Space 1999."  Oops!  These are saved for "Deep
    Space 9!"

Top Ten Signs That Data's Becoming A Liability
----------------------------------------------
10. Dripping oil under his station.

 9. When Geordi reattached Data's head, he had some left over parts he
    didn't know what to do with.

 8. Data's "full fuctionality" and superhuman speed has resulted in
    the deaths of some female crewmembers.

 7. Spot now has unsightly borg-implants.

 6. 6-year 60,000 light year warranty almost expired.

 5. Is it just me, or does Data's burning desire to be a human seem 
    eerily like the obsession of the serial killer in "Silence of the 
    Lambs?"

 4. Data keeps making lewd remarks and giving lecherous looks to the
    washing machines.

 3. Data's HAL imitation is no longer funny.  And since he's refused
    to stop it, it's darn right eerie!

 2. Life aboard the Enterprise is no longer as pleasant since Data
    led an armed insurrection to free the food replicators from 
    slavery.

 1. Since Data's affected the holodeck, Riker's holodeck "simulations"
    are no longer very stimulating!

Top Ten Changes If Worf Were Jewish
-----------------------------------
10. Mother's constant reminders that "you could shoot your eyes out
    with one of those things" explain why Worf is a lousy shot.

 9. Knows he could be second-in-command instead of that WASP Riker if
    Star Fleet didn't have secret quota system.

 8. Worf's appearance demonstrates stereotype of Jews having large
    foreheads and bumpy "horns" on heads.

 7. Only Klingon that won't eat Gach because live worm-like things 
    aren't kosher.

 6. Worf's full name is "Worf Ben-Mogg."

 5. Worf wasn't in the first few episodes of this season as they
    coincided with the High Holidays.

 4. Worf lives by his personal credo -- "I am a honorable Klingon
    warrior who just happens to identify with Woody Allen's 
    characters!"

 3. And you thought Deanna's mother was overbearing!

 2. "Ethics" episode would have contained the lines: "Fine, don't kill
    me.  I'll just lie here and suffer.  Oy!  I'm suffering!  Am I
    suffering enough for you yet?  I'm in pain.  Are you satisfied? 
    (etc.)"

 1. What kind of name is "Alexander" for a nice Jewish boy?

    Top Ten Plot Twists in the "Clinton on the Enterprise" Episode
--------------------------------------------------------------
10. Bill is watching "Hee Haw" and discussing his experiences as a
    Rhodes scholar with some friends.  The fabric of the universe 
    can't take this juxtiposition of the idiotic with the intelligent 
    and Bill is technobabbly transported to the Enterprise.

 9. Picard is stunned into utter speechlessness by Clinton's hair.

 8. Shares "war stories" with Riker....(ie. "...and then her husband
    walked in!")

 7. Thanks to replicator, all food is FAST food!  Clinton's in hog 
    heaven!

 6. Dr. Crusher politely tells Bill, "with our medical technology, we
    can correct that overbite."

 5. Clinton learns from Star Fleet how to eliminate the US budget
    deficit -- get rid of money!

 4. Bill & Will save Enterprise from hostile aliens by playing a 
    rather bad duet on Sax and Trombone.

 3. Advances in genetic engineering can eliminate problems from
    inbreeding.  Clinton brings the technology home to Arkansas and
    becomes a hero!

 2. Clinton makes the transporter an intregal part of his universal
    health care plan.

 1. As he leaves the Enterprise, Clinton closes his goodbye with "I
    still belive in a place called Hope."  Data responds with, "There 
    are exactly 143,452 settlements with that name in the geographical
    records."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                        The Eighteen Bottles

    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down 
the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then 
withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, 
with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the 
cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which 
I drank.  I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and 
poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle 
from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the 
rest down the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and 
poured the cork down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the 
glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything 
emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, 
corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and 
as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the 
houses in one bottle, which I drank.  I'm not under the affluence of 
incohol as some thinkle peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might
drink.  I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I 
stand here, the longer I get.

                                      -- Author unknown
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lyrics, written by Paul Silhan (CompuServe ID 72702,3211) and set
to the tune of the Beach Boys' song "Little Old Lady from
Pasadena," are:

<<Intro>>

"It's the little First Lady with Megalomania."

<<Verse>>

"The little First Lady with megalomania (go, Hilly, go, Hilly,
 go, Hilly, go)
Has a pretty Rose Garden in which she'll entertain ya (go, Hilly,
 go, Hilly, go, Hilly, go)
But hidden underneath that thin veneer,
Is a lust for power racing in top gear!"

<<Chorus>>
"And everybody's sayin' that there's no way to tame her,
The little First Lady with megalomania,
She's Eva Peron with a bad hairdo,
She's the terror of Pennsylvania Avenue.
It's the little First Lady with megalomania."

<<Verse>>
"Well, the fools on the Hill all try to schmooze her, (go, Hilly,
 go, Hilly, go, Hilly, go)
Genuflecting to gain approval. (go, Hilly, go, Hilly, go, Hilly, go)
They're under the spell and at the command
Of the witch doctor with the voodoo health care plan."

<<Chorus>>
"And everybody's sayin' that there's no way to tame her,
The little First Lady with megalomania,
She's Eva Peron with a bad hairdo,
She's the terror of Pennsylvania Avenue.
It's the little First Lady with megalomania."

<<Bridge, modulation with organ solo and "go, Hilly, go, Hilly,
 go, Hilly, go">>
"The President thinks that he runs this town,
But with just one look, she can shut him down!"

<<Chorus>>
"And everybody's sayin' that there's no way to tame her,
The little First Lady with megalomania,
She's Eva Peron with a bad hairdo,
She's the terror of Pennsylvania Avenue.
It's the little First Lady with megalomania."

<<Repeat and fade>>
Go Hilly, go Hilly, go Hilly, go!
Go Hilly, go Hilly, go Hilly, go!
Go Hilly, go Hilly, go Hilly, go!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton, singing to a vaguely familiar Beatles tune

"You closed your eyes, I was elected
Guess what, you're not protected!
And now all my schemes have come true!"

"Hey, I need to invest,
So sign over your check.
`Cause I'm taxing your money from you!"

"And then you'll be on welfare,
But, hey, you'll have health care.
I'll show you what government can do."

"And oh, by the way,
You'll walk home every day.
`Cause I'm taxing that gasoline, too."

<<Chorus>>
"All your money, I will tax from you.
All your money, I need revenue."

<<Bridge and Verse>>
"You closed your eyes, I was elected,
Guess what, you're not protected.
And now all my schemes have come true."

"Hey, I need to invest.
Just send over your nest.
`Cause I'm taxing your money from you."

<<Chorus>>
"All your money, I will tax from you.
All your money, I need revenue.
All your money . . . all that money!
All that money . . . send it in!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

The November issue of the Limbaugh Letter included four "credit
cards":

o "The Really Great Society Card" issued by the United
Cooperatives of Amerika. The name on the card is "Ward O. State,"
and features a picture of Hillary Clinton. This card is valid
until 6 months before death, and features the following text on
the back: "This Plan Guarantees You Comprehensive Government That
Can Never Be Taken Away." This is the card which Steve from
Dallas presented to his doctor.

o "We'll Cover You" issued by the Ministry of Happiness and
Goodness. The name on the card is "U.R. Taxed," and features a
revealing picture of Bill Clinton. The card is valid until
"serious illness," and features the following text on the back:
"Every American Lucky Enough to Get Out of the Tomb Will Be
Covered For Everything Until It's Time to Go to the Tomb."

o "No Worries" issued by the United States of Happiness. The name
on this card is "I.M. Coddled," and features a yellow smiley
face. The card is valid until "the first boo-boo," and features
the following text on the back: "This Card Guarantees
Everything."

o Finally, "Rush Security" issued by the Doctor of Democracy. The
name on this card is "Ima Dittohead," and features the seal of
the Limbaugh Institute. The card is valid until the end of time
and features the following text on the back: "When You Have This
Card, You Have the Truth About Everything."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some
ice fishing.  They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up
there.  The lake was frozen nicely.  They stopped just before they got
to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.  One of 
them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
 
  So they got that, and they took off.  In about two hours, one of 
them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen
ice picks."  Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some 
questions, but he didn't.  He sold him the picks, and the old boy 
left.

  In about an hour, he was back.  Said, "We're going to need all the
ice picks you've got."
 
  The fellow couldn't stand it any longer.  "By the way," he asked,
"how are you fellows doing?"

  "Not very well at all," he said.  "We don't even have the boat in
the water yet."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  This family moves into a new town. They had two little hellion boys 
that terrorized the teachers at their previous school. The nearest 
school in their new town was a Catholic school. Well, they weren't 
Catholic, but they decided to send their two boys there anyway, hoping 
perhaps that the Nuns there would be able to straighten these boys 
out. The boys began living up to their name, and terrorized their new 
school. One day, the younger of the two gets caught, and the nun grabs 
him by the scruff of the neck, and hauls him down to the head priest.

  The head priest sits him down across from his desk. "Satan is 
controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you know, that no matter 
where you are or what you do, that God is always there, always 
watching you?  God is everywhere. He's at your home, here at school, 
where ever you are, He is there, whether you are naughty, nice, good 
or bad, he is always there, watching you!" The priest speaks for 15 
minutes, hoping to get through to the boy.
 
  After he is done with his speech, he asks the boy, "Now, where is 
God?"

  The boy just shrugs.

  Again, the priest asks, "Where is God?"
 
  Again, the boy just shrugs.  By now, the priest is getting upset, 
and points at the boy. "WHERE IS GOD!!??"

 The boy looks around: under his chair, around the room. He drops his 
head down a little bit and shrugs his shoulders.

  The priest was furious by now; he yelled at the boy, "Go home!  Get 
your mother, and bring her back here with you!"

  Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids had 
gone home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he gets home, 
his older brother is outside playing. He runs over to him, grabs a 
hold of him.
  "Get in the house, we're in big trouble," the boy says.

  He pulls his brother inside the house. "Come on upstairs, quick!"
Upstairs they went.  He pulls his brother in the bedroom.

  "Get in here, fast!"  He opens the closet. "Get in here, NOW!"

  He closes the closet door and says "We're in real big trouble now!"

  His brother asks, "What, what is it? What did we do?"

  "God is missing, and they're blaming us!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man died and went to Heaven, and up there he waited with three
other fellows, and when they were admitted, St. Peter said, "Heaven is
a big place, and we issue vehicles for you to get around in, but first
I have to ask you each a question:  were you faithful to your wife?"

  This man said, "Yes, I was.  I never cheated on her."

  St. Peter announced, "I'm pleased to issue you this Cadillac."

  It was a beauty, and the man drove off happily.

  When St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful, he said
he'd only cheated once, so he gave him a Chevrolet Cavalier.

  The third man admitted that he had cheated twice, and so he got a
Volkswagen.
 
  The guy in the Volkswagen was driving around, and he saw the man who
got the Cadillac parked along one of the golden streets, and he was 
just crying his eyes out.
 
  "What in the world are you crying about?"  he asked.  "You have this
great big Cadillac, and you should be happy."
 
  The man looked up and said, "My wife just went by on a skateboard."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
  There was this monastery high up on a hill, and they were looking 
for a new bellringer.  So one day there's a knock on the door and in 
comes this guy with no arms.  He says, "Hi!  I'm here to apply for the 
job as bellringer."

  Of course since he has no arms, the head monk and the chaplain just 
kind of look at him funny.   So the chaplain takes the guy into the 
back and proceeds to interview him.  He asks "Ummm...not to be too 
personal or anything, but don't you think it's going to be a little 
hard ringing the bell if you umm.. have no arms?"

  The guy responds, "Please sir, I have a starving wife and kids at 
home. You have to give me the job."

  "But what about the bell?"

  "Don't worry, I'll figure out something."

  "Well, it's almost 12:00 noon--you better get up there."

  SO, the guy runs up the spiral steps to the bell tower and waits for
the clock to strike twelve.  When it does, he stands next to the bell 
and brings his head way back and proceeds to smash his face against 
the bell, immediately spewing teeth and blood all over the tower.

  Quickly, the head monk and the chaplain run up the spiral steps to 
the tower.  The head monk stops, looks at the scene, and asks "Who the 
hell is this guy?"

  "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."

  The next day, there's another knock at the door.  The chaplain 
answers it and in walks another person (with no arms) that looks 
exactly like the first guy.
 
  "Weren't you here yesterday?" the chaplain asks.

  "Oh, that was my twin brother.  I'm here to take the job as 
bellringer."

  "But...but....but you have no arms!" the chaplain stammers.

  "Please, sir, I've got a starving wife and kids at home You gotta
help me!"

  Thinking about what happened yesterday, the chaplain says, "All 
right. But no funny stuff!  Your brother almost got himself killed."

  "Don't worry, I'll figure out something."
 
  "Well, it's almost 12:00 noon--you better get up there."
 
  SO, the guy runs up the spiral steps to the bell tower and waits for
the clock to strike twelve.  When it does, he stands way back in the 
corner, lowers his head, and charges the bell. Upon crashing into the 
bell, his head splits open and he dies instantly.
 
  Again, the head monk and the chaplain come running up the spiral 
stairs to the tower.  The head monk stops, looks around, and says, 
"Oh, no..now who's this guy?"
 
  "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was in here
yesterday!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  A fellow was up before the judge for non-support of a wife and six
children.  The judge listened to all the evidence and then said, "You
just haven't done right by your wife and children.  I'll tell you what

  I'm going to do.  I'm going to give them two hundred dollars a 
month."

  The defendant looked pleased, smiled, and said, "Why thank you,
Judge, and I'll chip in a few dollars myself when I can afford it."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  A fellow with legal problems came into town in a hurry and inquired
of the first person he saw, "Do you have any criminal lawyers here?"

  The man replied, "Yes, three or four, but we've never been able to
convict any of them yet."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  A traveling salesman was out in the country when his car broke down.
He came to a farmer's house and asked if he could lodge there for the 
night. The farmer said yes, but he didn't have any spare beds and he 
would have to sleep with his daughter. To make sure that nothing would 
happen, he put a dozen eggs in her bed and told the traveling salesman 
if any of the eggs were broken, he'd be shot for fooling around with 
his daughter. The lights went out and nature took it's course- they 
didn't EVEN take the eggs out and every one of them where broken.  
Fearing for his life, the traveling salesman found some crazy glue and 
pieced them back together before the farmer came in early that 
morning.  Seeing the eggs where intact, the farmer invited him down 
for a good hearty breakfast of bacon and EGGS!  The traveling salesman 
really began to sweat as the farmer began cracking the eggs- crack... 
nothing, crack.. nothing, crack... nothing.  The farmer stood up, his 
face with anger. The traveling salesman was begining to say his 
prayers when the farmer got up, and ran out to the henhouse.  
"ALRIGHT!", the farmer shouted, "WHICH ONE OF YOU ROOSTERS IS WEARING 
A RUBBER?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A new song - set to the tune of "They're Coming
to Take Me Away, Ha-Ha," the following lyrics are sung by a
certain Texan who's currently in the news:

"Remember when on Larry King
I said I'd handle everything
Cause I knew how to make this country work? Well . . .
You followed me for a little while
And then found out what makes me smile
And now you know I got this . . . little quirk! See . . ."

<<Chorus>>
"They're coming to take me away, ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-ha,
To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see them volunteers in starched brown shirts
And they're coming to take me away, ha-ha!"

<<Verse>>
"You thought I was a joke, and so you laughed,
You laughed when I had said `I'm all ears'
And `there's nothing in it for me.' Right?
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh,
You laughed, you laughed, and laughed
And then you left me because you knew I was certifiably mad.
Well, you'll believe the conspiracy,
When they have had to bury me,
After the Cubans take me out like they did JFK! See!"

<<Chorus>>
"They're coming to take me away, ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-ha,
To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see them volunteers in starched brown shirts
To a happy home where they'll have a jacket for me
With a pair of real long sleeves that tie around back!
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bungee Condom commercial 

<<Announcer, speaking over the sounds of a sleeping, snoring
man>> He slumbers, unaware that she is sneaking up on him, knife
in hand. With a look of vengeance in her eye, she grabs hold and
with one flick of her knife, what was his is now . . . hers!
<<man cries out in pain, "ow!">> The question is what does she do
with it?

<<President of Bungee Condoms>> Hi! I am the president of the
Bungee Condoms corporation. If you decide to do a, shall we say,
`retroactive deep-cut circumcision' on your hubby or boyfriend
<<man screams `ow!'>>, you'll want the new Bungee Bobbitt
Porta-Penis Pack Condom!

<<Announcer>> Yes, the Bungee Bobbitt Porta-Penis Pack will keep
your new possession fresh, with this exclusive zipper action at
the opening! <<sound of zipper closing>> And don't worry, guys,
if it gets caught in the zipper now, it won't make that much
difference!

<<President of Bungee Condoms>> Ladies, if the man in your life
is giving you the shaft, then take the shaft and put it in a
Bungee Bobbitt Porta-Penis Pack Condom! And for a limited time,
you also get this free fillet knife. <<sound of knife chopping
away merrily>> It slices, it dices, it cuts hot dogs, cucumbers,
and kielbasas, just so you can keep in practice!

<<Announcer>> From Bungee Condoms, a cut above the rest! <<man
screams `ow!'>>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Feminazi Trading Cards

<<Female voice>> I'll give you two Gloria Steinems for one Anita Hill.

<<Announcer who's been doing too many Monster Truck and rodeo
commercials>> Trading cards have always been for males only. It's
just not fair, it's not right.

<<Female>> Damn, I spilled nail polish on my Betty Friedan.

<<Announcer>> Well, EIB is proud to introduce Feminazi Trading
Cards for you to save, to collect, to trade. Feminazi cards are
designed for the woman in mind. On the front, an action shot of a
leading feminist - burning a bra, dominating a TV show, picketing
an all-men's club, protesting a Rush Limbaugh concert, charging
into a men's locker room, denouncing Ronald Reagan.

<<Female>> I'll do anything for a Pat Schroeder.

<<Announcer>> On the back, all the vital statistics - bustline,
waist, hips, the documented age, the number of abortions, and
where applicable, the alimony payments and divorce settlements.
Each bio has at least one profound thought, and a beauty secret.
Get them all!

Each set includes not only today's feminazi superstars like Molly
Yard and Eleanor Smeal, but yesterday's heroes like Bella Abzug
and Gloria Steinem. Plus, outstanding rookies like Anita Hill and
Judge Hoerchner. Don't get left out, start collecting Feminazi
Trading Cards today!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

To the tune of Yakety Yak

 Also, "Yakety Yak, Bomb Iraq":

"This crazy man named Saddam Hussein
Ain't no doubt that the man's insane
He better get used to feeling fright
In from the south, put out his lights.
Yakety yak, bomb Iraq."

"He must have been an only son
Growing up and playing with guns
Came into power, came into wealth,
Look out your window, check out the Stealth.
Yakety Yak, bomb Iraq."

"A man possessed by his own greed,
Ignores his country's desperate needs,
We ain't going to cut you any slack,
Look at his palace, now it's a shack.
Yakety yak, bomb Iraq."

<<sax solo and bomb noises>>

"Big ground forces rolling in,
Your own troops know you cannot win,
Don't get too comfy in your pad,
Whoops - there goes Baghdad.
Yakety Yak, Bomb Iraq."

"I can't believe you're still alive
Feeding your people all that jive.
The USA won't take no flak,
Here comes another air attack.
Yakety Yak, bomb Iraq.
The USA won't take no flak,
Here comes another air attack.
Yakety Yak, bomb Iraq."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"The White House staff was talking one day when one guy said,
`Why doesn't Hillary throw $100 out the window and make one
person happy?' Another person spoke up to say, `Why doesn't
Hillary throw $200 out the window and make two people happy?'
Then the janitor suggested, `Why doesn't Hillary throw Bill
Clinton out the window and make everybody happy?'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                     Bah Humbug Christmas

 T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
 He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
 Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
 I have good mind to scrap the whole works
 
 I've busted my ass for damn near a year
 Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
 The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
 The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
 
 Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
 Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
 And just when I thought that things would get better
 Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
 
 They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
 Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
 And the kids these days - they all are the pits
 They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
 
 I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
 Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
 I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
 They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
 
 If you think that's bad...just picture this
 Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
 They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
 And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
 
 Flying through the air...dodging the trees
 Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
 I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
 I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
 There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
 I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Big John was a lad of great lust
 But his wife was filled with distrust
 One night while he slept
 With a knife, in she crept
 As a lover, Big John's now a bust.
 ------------------------------------------
 There once was a Bobbitt named John
 Who thought he was quite the Don Juan
 His wife disagreed
 So the next time he wee'd
 Big John couldn't locate his wand.
 ------------------------------------------
 Big John Bobbitt might have been hipper
 Had he kept his hot hands from his zipper
 To his wife's great dismay
 John leaped to the fray
 The results would have pleased Jack the Ripper.
 ------------------------------------------
 A surgeon was filled with great tension
 As he tried to sew that we can't mention
 He stitched and sewed
 Used all that he knowed
 But the wee thing won't stand at attention.
 ------------------------------------------
 John Bobbitt was never a loner
 In fact, he was known as a roamer
 His wife seized his prize
 And cut him to size
 Now he is his own organ donor.
 ------------------------------------------
 The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly
 Though it sounds just a little bit silly
 He said, "She's the Hacker
 Who lopped off my wacker
 She said, "Only trying to Free Willy."
 ------------------------------------------
 John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff
 For it seems the Judgement's been soft
 He's been retro-fitted
 And nows he's acquitted--
 That's the last time he ever gets off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Two Newfie businessmen were having a quiet dinner in a fancy
 restaurant in Toronto, when, all of a sudden, the lady at
 the table next to them began to choke and turn blue.  The
 first Newfie jumped up and told the second Newfie to pull
 down his pants and shorts and bend over at the waist.  The
 first Newfie then proceeded to get on his knees and lick the
 first guy's behind.  This was all in the view of the lady
 that was choking and turning blue.  As she watched this, she
 was so disgusted that she up-chucked and dislodged the
 blockage!
 
 When the owner of the restaurant asked the Newfies what the
 heck they were doing?

 They replied with confidence:

 "We were doing the 'HIND-LICK' Maneuver!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Bill was out jogging one day, when he turns to the Secret Service
 Agent with him and says, "Boy I just can't wait till we get back to
 White House so I can go in our bedroom and rip Hillery's panties 
off!"
 
 A little ways down the road, he turns to the agent again and says, "I
can't wait until we get back so I can go in and rip Hillery's panties 
off!"   The agent said, "Boy this jogging must make you horny, sir!"
 
 Clinton said, " NO, It's just that I hate the way the ride up my ass 
when I'm running!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This kid was ice fishing and seemed to be catching a lot of fish so the other fisherman close by came over to the boy and asked.
      I cant understand  why your catching so many fish here.. 
      I see we are using the same kind of rod reel and line. The hole in the ice is the same size and using the same bait. What is reason your catching so many fish and ive been here all day and didnt catch one??
 THE boy than looked at the fisherman and then he turned his head sidways and spat and said to the fisherman look you gotta Keep THe WORMS W A R M !!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
           ***       Personality Profile       ***

(Mark each statement with a "Y" if it applies to you, or a "N" if not) 

 1. There is an evil force which attacks me at night, removes my
    belly button lint, and replaces it with tapioca pudding.
 
 2. The State Board of Health has arranged for mold to grow on my
    cream cheese in strange patterns.
 
 3. Members of the Karen Carpenter Fan Club, believing me to be the
    reincarnation of her, are removing used Kleenex from my bathroom 
    as mementos.
 
 4. Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters are singing "special
    songs" which are causing excess hair growth in my nostrils.
 
 5. Every night my ex-wife makes me drool on my pillow by beaming
    radioactive waves at me with her Genie garage door opener.
 
 6. I have a special influence on Rush Limbaugh. Every time I blink,
    he bashes President Clinton.
 
 7. Hell's Angels are holding Tupperware parties under my bed.
 
 8. The reason my hearing is impaired is that Mr. Goodwrench has
    installed genuine G.M/ oil filters in my ear canals.
 
 9. A noxious substance in my shampoo causes my cat to have kittens.
 
10. Richard Simmons has taken control of my stereo and now it only
    plays "oldies".

11. No matter what I cook for dinner it always comes out as Mrs. 
    Paul's Fish Sticks.

14. Jimmy Swigert is forcing my doctor to over charge me so I will
    join his church.

15. When I try to pull one Kleenex out of the dispenser, Yasir Arifat
    pushes out a dozen more.

16. Andrew Lloyd Webber (related to Gail?) is stealing my thoughts 
    and turning them into a musical comedy about Jeffery Dahlmer.

17. Witches are turning my Rolaids into rodents which gnaw at my
    stomach lining.

18. Scientists from the Smithsonian Institute are carbon dating my
    undershorts.

19. People on the street think I am a close friend of Dan Quayle.

20. My electric blanket is controlled by the IRS, if they can't burn 
    me on withholding, they fry me in bed.

21. The Democrats had secretly arranged to have late night movies
    removed from my T.V. set and replaced with ads for spray on hair.

22. The reason I talk funny is that alien beings replace my toothpaste
    with tubes of Perma-Seal.
 
23. Whenever I open my Roget's Thesaurus to find a word, I find the
    words to the "dirty version" of Louie Louie.
 
24.  K.D. Lange is in love with me, but too proud to admit it.
 
25.  Someone broke into my house, stole all my furniture, and replaced
     it with furniture that looks identical to mine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
         Lord, my soul is ripped with riot,
         Incited by my wicked diet.
         "We are what we eat," said a wise old man.
         Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
         I want to rise on Judgement Day, that's plain,
         But at my present weight I'll need a crane.
         So grant me strength that I may not fall
         Into the cluthes of cholesterol.
         May my flesh with carrot curls be sated,
         That my soul may be polyunsaturated.
         And show me the light that I may bear witness
         To the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
         And oleo margarine I'll never mutter
         For the road to hell is spread with butter.
         And cream is cursed, and cake is awful,
         And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
         Mephistopheles lurks in provolone,
         The devil is in each slice of bolonga.
         Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
         And Lucifer is a lollypop.
         Give me this day, my daily slice
         But cut it thin and toast it twice.
         I beg upon my dimpled knees,
         Deliver me from Ju Jubees
         And when my days of trial are done
         And my war with malted milks is won
         Let me stand with the saints in heaven
         In a shining robe, size thirty-seven!
         I can do it, Lord, if you will show to me
         The virtues of lettuce and celery
         If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise
         The sinfulness of hollandaise
         And pasta Milanese
         And potatoes a' la Lyonnaise,
         And crisp fried chicken from the south.
         Lord, if You love me, SHUT MY MOUTH!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals)
for dubious distinctions in 1992.

Tortoise Trophy

British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the 
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include 
trains arriving within one hour of schedule.

Rubber Cusion

John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream 
and glued his buttocks together.

Crimewatch Cup

Gold star:  Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a 
stolen stereo.  His error was having tattoed on his forehead in large 
capital letters the words "Henry Smith".  His lawyer told the court:  
"My client is not a very bright young man."

Silver star:  Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb 
hoax, but become so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that 
he began screaming "call me back" and left his phone number.

Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with 
his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

British cup

(My favourite)
To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who 
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral
sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up
post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

Flying cross

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft 
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately 
eaten by a cat.  The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and 
handing his identification tag to the judges relegated Percy from 
first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel

To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in
a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell 
was going on.  Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carson's 
daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

Silver bullett

To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on 
an overhanging rock, and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
AFTER ALL, IT IS CHRISTMAS

 Police in Lincoln, Pennsylvania have been hassled by an intruder 
breaking into their radio airwaves playing Christmas carols on a 
kazoo, whistling and belching.

IT'S ALL IN A NAME

 People in Tampa, Florida petitioned the court to have a dog put to
death who has severely bitten three people. The dogs name is Hitler.

SUPPLIMENTAL INCOME?

 In Tampa, Florida, a man dressed in a toll takers uniform collected
motorists money on the Crosstown Expressway for several hours before 
being detected.

SOARING NUDE

 The Hidden Valley Nudist Resort near Dawsonville, Georgia, celebrated
its 1988 National Nude Week by having eight male nude skydivers jump 
out of a plane and land in a nearby field.

HO! HO! HO!....BELL RINGER PUNCHED OUT

 Guess this guy was a Christmas stress-out..Just couldn't stand 
hearing the ringing of that Goddam Salvation Army bell any longer. A 
still un-apprehended 30-year-old male is being sought for attacking 
two Salvation Army bell ringers in Eureka, Ca. Ella Lowrey, one of the 
ringers said the man approached the kettle like he was going to make a
donation. "Then he did a number on my eye."

I WAS KIDNAPPED, ROBBED, MY THROAT CUT, AND I WAS LEFT TO DIE

 William F. Francis of Silicon Valley slipped a note, written in his
blood, saying "S.O.S." through a slot of the trunk of his car.  
Passerbys noticed the note and called authorities who found Francis in 
the trunk bleeding from his wounds. The whole affair was proven 
phoney. Francis said he did it to cover up a two day binge, not 
keeping business appointments.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Misery is...

explaining the birds and bees to your young son and then overhearing
him tell the little girl next door, "guess what, you're going to have
a bee..."

not having any money when the representative comes to your house
selling Mafia cookies.

a girl asking if she can come up to your place and you still live
with your mother.

finding out your daughter's screen test has just been sold as an Army
training film.

putting on your underarm deodorant and it turns out to be your dog's
flea and tick spray.

going to a formal affair and having a mothball fall out of your pants.

buying a sports car and discovering that your bucket is bigger than
the seat bucket.

an undertaker trying to look sad at a $5000 funeral.

going to a topless bar the same day you had your eyes dilated.

cooking an exotic French dish for five hours and then having your
husband put catsup on it.

a mother-in-law who tries to commit suicide but fails...and runs up a
big gas bill.

finding that your daughter is engaged to a man of the cloth and he
turns out to be the Imperial Eagle of the KKK.

a sexy girl dropping her handkerchief and when you bend over to pick
it up your toupee falls off.

complimenting your boss's wife on her patterned stockings and finding
out she's not wearing stockings.

going to a costume ball as a bubble dancer and finding out your date
is going as a porcupine.

finding out your wife received 312 valentines from the Tijuana Cab
Drivers Association.

finding out your daughter's boyfriend just bought an amplifier for
his guitar.

discovering your deodorant is giving you bad breath.

showing off in your new Cadillac and crashing into a Volkswagon
driven by your IRS agent.

being invited to an American Legion stag film and finding out it's
the story of Bambi's father.
Subject:      Misery is...(Part 3)

discovering your deodorant is giving you bad breath.

going up to the attic and reading your spouse's love letters and
seeing that they're all dated last week.

showing off in your new Cadillac and crashing into a Volkswagon
driven by your IRS agent.

having your wife hurt in a hunting accident because she looks so much
like a moose.

being invited to an American Legion stag film and finding out it's
the story of Bambi's father.

your beautiful blonde neighbor coming over to visit with a bottle of
booze ten minutes after you've taken two sleeping pills.

wearing a peek-a-boo dress to a party and getting more boos than
peeks.

spending weeks on a diet so you can look good in a bathing suit,
going for a swim, and having the lifeguard shout, "whale, ho".

having your wife scream so loud that she wants to live in a more
expensive apartment that your landlord comes up and raises the rent.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
More Humorous headlines
--------------------------------

Men recommend more clubs for wives

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

STUDENTS HEAR REPTILE LECUTRE
----------------------------------------------------------------------
HIT THE SILK, GRANDMA!

 At 77 years of age, Dorothy Clinch of Omaha, Nebraska decided to
flip the bird to everyone. Parachuted out of a plane at 10,000
feet. "Just no problem going out and no problem going down," said
Clinch, after landing. Oh yes...She has 5 children, 15 grand children
and 16 great grand children.

HARMONICA PLAYING CAN BE INJURIOUS

 Doctors in Australia were stumped with a patient that spit up blood.
It only happened on weekends, however. Come to find out he is an avid
harmonica player, playing about 6 hours s day on weekends causing 
blood vessels in his tongue to rupture. Prescription? Change to the 
violin?

YOU WILL HAVE MONEY IN THE FUTURE (NOPE!)

 Horoscope reader ( a Leo) James Blakely, 38, sued the Detroit
Newspaper Agency for nine mil. He claimed its horoscopes were to blame
for an "enormous amount of problems" including his failed marriage.
The judge dismissed the lawsuit....Probably his attorney cried all of
the way home.

"NO WAY WILL I GIDDY-UP. HE'S DRUNK!"

 In Atlanta, the Dept. of something or another has prompted the
government to issue a warning to drunken horseback riders. Seems
40% of the riders who have fallen off and been killed have been pretty
well plastered. One drinking "driver" even rode his horse into a
lake and drowned. Didn't say how the horse fared.

GUESS MOM DIDN'T LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND

 Think she must have pretended she did. Purchased a 35,000 life
insurance policy in her name...then pushed her off a 400' cliff. Was
caught. Got life. Happened in San Diego.

STRUCK MY LIGHTENING

 Not once, but seven times...Hair on fire, clothes singed and toenail 
blown off during grounding. This what former Shenandoah Park ranger,
Roy C. Sullivan experienced. Made the Guinness Book of Records. There
was a documented eighth strike, but Sullivan decided the last one was
between he and the man upstairs. Didn't report it. He had had enough.
Committed suicide at the age of seventy one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and
why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had


                    BEER vs. CUCUMBERS!


Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers
-----------------------------------------

You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.

Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides

Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave
them in the fridge for a month.

Beer is always in season.

Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person
you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)

Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.



Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer
------------------------------------------

Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.

Cucumbers have fewer calories.

Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day
    watching TV and eating cucumbers.

You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.

Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.

You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.

You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.

Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).

You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.

A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.

You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.

You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.


[The cucumbers seem to take it on numbers. So why do I prefer beer?]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 This paper has been sent to you for good luck.
The original has been worn out from having passed
through the hands of so many people.  It had
travelled around the world 70 times
[Dear Reader: please help keep this count current.
If this letter falls into your hands after just completing
one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.]
The luck has now been sent to you.  You will experience great sex
within four days of receiving this letter, provided you
send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must
make twenty copies and send them to others.

This is no joke.  Send no money.

Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control
Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine
and had the longest series of orgasms of his life.

John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute but, because he
broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead.
When they searched his home, they found magazines of
little boys which they showed to his neighbours.

In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an
unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate
the letter.  However, before this happened, a condom machine
gave him three condoms for the price of one.
(was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following:

Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953.
He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send
them out.  A few days later he encountered her in a
red-light district making more than he had
every paid her at work.

General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw
what he thought was a quarter in the street.
When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a
miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.
His aide, Colonel ger Bumswiver, who did not pass on
the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was
fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when he bent over.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the
letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within
96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend
and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again,
he mailed twenty copies.  A few days later he got
a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was
wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon
for all these years!

Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing,
threw the letter away.  Nine days later he spilled hot
coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas
was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize
that this paragraph applied to her.  She promised herself
she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it
aside to do later.  She was plagued with problems including
herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her
futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar.
The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours.  She finally
typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours
of receiving this letter.  Those who do will find their love
lives more fulfilling.

Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with
mechanical devices.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
SEPARATED 15-YEAR-OLD WIFE RULED UNEMANCIPATED
     Fifteen-year-old Susie (not her name), thought marriage
sounded like great fun.  So she did it.  With Mom and Dad's
permission.  Four months later, when she tired of games with her
18-year-old husband, she skipped to Pennsylvania's Berks County
Children and Youth Services, saying she had no place to live.
     The agency took her in, but demanded support from her
parents, Mom and Pop Rowan.  When the response was, "Nothing
doing, Susie's emancipated,"  the agency sued.
     In ruling, Pennsylvania Superior Court held that indeed
Susie is no longer emancipated, and the Rowans are responsible.
It rejected their lawyer's argument that a minor, once married,
remains emancipated as a matter of law.  One judge dissented,
averring that responsibility for Susie rests with her young
husband whom she is divorcing.
     Gee, Susie, wouldn't you rather play hopscotch? (Nos. 03266
& 03267, Phila.1992, 8/6/93)
 
MOM'S SEX ABUSE LIES GROUNDS FOR CUSTODY TRANSFER TO DAD
     It should happen more often.  A Louisiana court has
transferred Dad Becker's children to his custody after finding
that his ex-peach had made false allegations and "planted the
notion [of sexual abuse] in the children's heads in order to
alienate their father forever."
     In ruling, the state's Court of Appeals, 3rd circuit, held
that the mother, acting against the children's best interests,
had done them "incalculable" damage in attempting to inculcate
them with child abuse lies.
     Nevertheless, some people, you can't convince.  Like a
dissenting judge who opined that Becker had not proved that the
mother's continued custody was so harmful as to justify a switch.
     A further cloud was that despite a battery of testing and
interrogations, the children continued affirming incidents of
sexual involvement with the father. A child protective agency,
local law enforcement officers, two psychologists, and a
pediatric physician also expressed cause for concern.  (613 So2d
275, 1993).
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                      THE VIRTUAL WORLD NEWS
          "Don't read anything else. We really mean it."

TV STAR TEARFULLY ADMITS, "I WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD," FILES LAWSUIT
AGAINST HOLLYWOOD BIGWIGS FOR "EXPLOITATION"

  The cushiony king of children's public television says his life hasn't been as soft as it may appear.  Barney T. Dinosaur, in an emotional press conference last week, admitted that his upbringing at the hooves of other dinosaurs was a harrowing experience.

  "Nobody liked me," the star said, as he filed a formal lawsuit against Steven Spielberg and various persons and institutions involved with the making of the film "Jurassic Park."  The suit contends that Barney, as the last surviving member of the species is entitled to be compensated for the use of his family name (Barney's middle name, it appears, is "Tyrannosaurus"--"The" is just a stage name) and history.  "For the hell I went through as a little-saur," Barney said, "I deserve every cent I can get.  Even the bracheosaurs used to beat up on me."

  According to the megastar dinosaur, he was considered an outcast in the rough-and-tumble prehistoric world because he was "different."  His voice lost its usual enthusiasm as he remembered:  "They were big and mean and tough.  I was soft and weak--plush, even--and they hurt me for it.  They hated me."  A strange, unfamiliar glint came into the star's eyes. "But I outlasted them all, anyway.  I showed them."

  Scientists on the Virtual World News' permanent payroll claim that it was Barney's differences that saved his hide, when all the other dinosaurs disappeared.  Though the cause of the extinction (now known to have been only a near-extinction) remains a mystery, it is now believed that giant space creatures may have descended in hunger--and eaten the dinosaurs.  Barney, however, was unpalatable, being entirely too sweet for the extraterrestrial diners.  In addition, having plush upholstery-type hide, rather than the normal dino-hide made him appear to the Visitors as somewhat similar to our "gumdrops"--which, of course, no one in their right mind would eat.

  The makers of Jurassic Park, including Spielberg himself, are contesting Barney's claim to the name "Tyrannosaurus."  "Don't be stupid," Spielberg reportedly responded.  "I made up the name myself.  It's all made up.  It's all fantasy.  Besides, Barney's just a sick little guy in a big purple suit.  I've seen him on the Paramount lot.  He's no creature.  He's just creepy."

  Other dinosaurs were extinct at press time, and unavailable for comment.

--Tabloid Kerry
Exclusive to the Virtual World News
----------------------------------------------------------------------

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are 
going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final
exam)


 1.  Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
    minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some 
    gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

 2.  Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got
    the secret documents!!"

 3.  If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
    answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. 
    Use the integral symbol.

 4.  Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the 
    instructor's left nostril.

 5.  Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, 
    debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, 
    yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start 
    talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

 6.  Bring cheerleaders.

 7.  Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, 
    loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. 
    I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And
    who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

 8.  Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at 
    max level.

 9.  On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way 
    to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to 
    answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my 
    religious beliefs. Be creative.

10.  Bring pets.

11.  Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh 
    of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to 
    leave the country" and run off.

12.  Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers 
    into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out 
    "Merry  Christmas."  If you're really daring, ask for another copy
    of the exam.  Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process 
    every fifteen minutes.

13.  Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14.  Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
    head, and nothing else.

15.  Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be
    as vulgar as possible.

16.  Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, 
    make one up!  For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17.  Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
    Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18.  As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19.  Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
    taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor 
    to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a 
    percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20.  Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
    another seat, continue with the exam.

21.  Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk 
    out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22.  Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. 
    If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things 
    (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23.  Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and 
    answers completely blacked out.

24.  Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
    violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25.  Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
    instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all 
    leaving after one hour to go drink)

26.  Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
    during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27.  Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks 
    why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that 
    goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a 
    clapper. DUH!"

28.  Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29.  Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, 
    put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of 
    the opera" until they drag you away.

30.  Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know 
    the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if
    you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for
    your right to take the exam.

31.  Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
    "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days 
    of our Lives is on!!!"

32.  Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33.  From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. 
    Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they 
    finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the 
    theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34.  Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35.  If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs 
    you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into 
    most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your
    own life story.

36.  Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
    shield.

37.  Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through 
    the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad 
    circulation.

38.  Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is 
    obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise 
    you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple
    them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes 
    for references as you see fit."

39.  When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40.  After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
    question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41.  One word: Wrestlemania.

42.  Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like 
    they do before concerts start.

43.  Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44.  Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45.  Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to 
    you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46.  Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... 
    sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47.  During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
    anything you can reach.

48.  Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 
    90 degree angle.

49.  Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you 
    are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the 
    Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the 
    section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use 
    the phrase "Told you so".

50.  Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx 
    Sucks"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
News Flash:

Redwood City, CA (API) -- A tense stand-off entered its third week 
today as authorities reported no progress in negotiations with 
charismatic cult leader Steve Jobs.

Negotiators are uncertain of the situation inside the compound, but 
some reports suggest that half of the hundreds of followers inside 
have been terminated.  Others claim to be staying of their own free 
will, but Jobs' persuasive manner makes this hard to confirm.

In conversations with authorities, Jobs has given conflicting 
information on how heavily prepared the group is for war with the 
industry.  At times, he has claimed to "have hardware which will blow 
anything else away", while more recently he claims they have stopped 
manufacturing their own.

Agents from the ATF (Apple-Taligent Forces) believe that the group is 
equipped with serious hardware, including 486-caliber pieces and 
possibly Canon equipment. The siege has attracted a variety of 
spectators, from the curious to other cultists.  Some have offered to 
intercede in negotiations, including a young man who will identify 
himself only as "Bill" and claims to be the "MS-iah".

Former members of the cult, some only recently deprogrammed, speak 
hesitantly of their former lives, including being forced to work 
20-hour days, and subsisting on Jolt and Twinkies.  There were 
frequent lectures in which they were indoctrinated into a theory of 
"interpersonal computing" which rejects traditional roles.

 Late-night vigils on Chesapeake Drive are taking their toll on 
federal marshals.  Loud rock and roll, mostly Talking Heads, blares 
throughout the night.  Some fear that Jobs will fulfill his own 
apocalyptic prophecies, a worry reinforced when the loudspeakers carry 
Jobs' own speeches -- typically beginning with a chilling "I want to 
welcome you to the 'Next World' ".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

                            THE  PC  MANIFESTO
               FEATURING A PC PRIMER AND REVISED PC LEXICON
           By  Saul Jerushalmy        &       Rens Zbignigwiuw X.
                  COPYRIGHT 1992 - All Rights Reserved


"...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony,The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment.  Dammit." 

                             - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Tiang-Min" Whitmore
                               Berkeley CA, 1965


----------------------------------------------------------------------
                                 PC PRIMER
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Q:  WHAT IS P.C.?

PC stands for Politically Correct.  We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles.  Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook.  Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.

Q:  WHY SHOULD I BE PC?

Being PC is fun.  PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life!  PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.

Q:  I AM A WHITE MALE.  CAN I STILL BE PC?

Sure.  You just have to feel very guilty.

Q:  WHY?

If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities.  Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

Q:  HOW?

It's simple.  You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do.  You just don't want to offend anyone.

Q:  YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?

That's right.  Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.

Q:  HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?

Oh, there are lots of ways.  For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?"  Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers:  glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc.  Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals.  Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time.  Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn.  Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol.  And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag.  Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country.

If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs.  You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians:  U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.

Harrass people who wear fur coats.  Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed.  Or just yell, "FUR."  They hate that.
And don't EVER eat meat.

Q:  DON'T EAT MEAT?  WHY NOT?!

Cows are animals, just like humans are animals.  That means that they have rights.  When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!

Q:  SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?

No, not always.  Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf.  You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.

Q:  HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?

The general rule is as follows:

          IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
             HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.

Examine the following chart:

      RIGHTS                       NO RIGHTS
     --------                     -----------
      cows                         cockroaches
      cute bunnies                 flies
      dolphins in tuna nets        tuna in tuna nets
      whales                       sharks
      red squirrels                gray squirrels
      owls                         loggers
      harbor seals                 barnacles

Q:  WOW.  WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?

Hug a tree.  Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great country.  Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks.  Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes.  After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.

Q:  I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember.  YOU ARE RIGHT.  It's that simple.  You are right.

Q:  HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?

Good question.  It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society.  The guideline is as follows:

     Is the confrontation between two white people?
        Yes ->  The liberal is right.
        No  ->  The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues.

Here's a fun practice drill for you:  See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories.  It's fun!  Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!

Q:  WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?

It all depends on the situation.  If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge.  If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.

Q:  BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?

The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone.  That's not what free speech is about.  Some call it censorship.  PCers call it "selective" speech.  Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face.  We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.

Q:  I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.

Yes.  That's part of the PC movement.  You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them.  Take "black" for instance.  Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?

Q:  YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?

No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from.  If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact.  You can even apply for special scholarships!

Q:  I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN.  CAN I GET ONE?

No, there are no scholarships for any of those.  Sorry.  If you are a woman, however, there should be plenty.

Q:  HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN
    AFRICAN-AMERICAN?

Technically, yes.  But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't.  Another example:  A white South-African U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either.

Q:  HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?

For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

Q:  I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC.  WHAT CAN I DO?

Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies.  Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history.  Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.

Q:  I DON'T GET IT.

Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment.  This is unfair and wrong.

Q:  IT IS?

Yes.  The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test.  If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life.  That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.

Q:  I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.

It IS right.  That's the beauty of PC.

Q:  WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?

Humor.  PC people take every comment VERY seriously.  We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.

Q:  GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades.  Not PC---it can be taken the wrong way.

In every day speech, try to use phrases like,
"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American."  Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted.  True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality.

Q:  IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?

Yes.  The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that 
people are diversely equal.  We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality.  Hop aboard the 
bandwagon...  Be PC.  Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
                                PC LEXICON
----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"
------------------                         ----------------

-> ETHNICITY <-
(PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid)

Black                  -   African-American
                           (NOTE:  DOES NOT INCLUDE
                              LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, WHITE S-AFRICANS.
                              DOES INCLUDE
                              PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
                              WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)

Oriental               -   Asian-American
                           (NOTE:  NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
                                   SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)

Indian                 -   Native-American
                           (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
                              Atlanta Braves
                              Cleveland Indians
                              Kansas City Chiefs
                              Washington Redskins
                            AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)

Chicano                -   Hispanic
                           (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
                              Cheech and Chong
                              Chico and the Man episodes
                              Cisco Kid
                              Rosarita Salsa
                              Speedy Gonzales
                            AVOID!  AVOID!)

Towel Head/ Ay-Rab     -   Arab-American

White Trash            -   PC Unaware
                           Rustically Inclined

WASP (white male)      -   Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

->  GENDER  <-
(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

Woman                  -   Womyn, Vaginal-American

Girl                   -   Pre-Womyn

Housewife              -   Domestic Engineer

Fireman                -   Firefighter

Stewardess             -   Flight Attendant

Meter Maid             -   Parking Enforcement Adjudicator

Post Man               -   Post Person

Mail Man               -   Person Person

Policeman (cop, pig)   -   Law Enforcement Officer
                           Baton Boy
                           Cal. Clubber

Prostitute             -   Sex Surrogate
                           (Teen Victim.  See:  Broken Home)

Mankind, Human         -   Earth Children

-> PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS <-

Handicapped            -   Physically Challenged
                           Differently Abled
                           Handi-Capable
                             (Blind  -  Optically Darker
                                        Photonically Non-receptive
                              Deaf   -  Visually Oriented)

Poor                   -   Economically Unprepared

Bum                    -   Homeless Person
                           Displaced Homeowner
                           Philosophy Major

Hunter                 -   Animal Assassin
                           Meat Mercenary
                           Bambi Butcher

Whaler                 -   Blubber Lovers

Old Person / Elderly   -   4th-Dimentionally Extended
                           Gerontologically Advanced

Conservative           -   Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig

Drug Addict            -   Chemically Challenged

Bald                   -   Comb-Free

Bisexual               -   Sexually Non-preferential

Midget, Dwarf          -   Little People
                           Vertically Challenged

Convict                -   Socially Separated

Insane People          -   Selectively Perceptive
                           Mental Explorers

(person with)              (person with)
Learning Disability    -   Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

Tree-Hugger            -   Environmental Activist

Logger                 -   Wood Weasel
                           Paper Pirate
                           Treeslayer

Dead People            -   Dysfunctional Earth Children

->  MISCELLANEOUS  <-

Broken Home            -   Dysfunctional Family

HouseBroken            -   Family Disfunction 

Cattle Ranch           -   Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
                           "Moo-shwitz"

Senile Bag o' Bones    -   Alzheimer's Victim

Ghetto/Barrio          -   (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
                           Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana

Hamburger              -   Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)

Cheeseburger           -   Adding Insult to Injury

Cheating (in School)   -   Academic Dishonesty

Used Books             -   Recycled Books

Trees                  -   Oxygen Exchange Units

Gang                   -   Youth Group

Pimp-mobile, Low-rider -   Culturally Responsive Transportation Option

Drunk/Trashed          -   Spatially Perplexed

Slum                   -   (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone

Delicatessen           -   Corpse Farm
                           Charnel House

SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs)
----------------------------------

These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people.  Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing without offending any of Earth's Children.

DO NOT USE THESE WORDS.
(except when telling other people not to use them)

IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY:

"Alky, Babe, Beaner, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dago, Dyke, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freaks, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Skirt, Spic, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Whore, White-Trash, Wop"

READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
IT BETTER HAVE.

THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS.  PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.

/----------------------------------------------\
|         SPECIAL UPDATE:  March 1992          |
\----------------------------------------------/

This manifesto was originally released in December of 1991.  Within hours of becoming public, the authors were deluged by responses on the computer network from several countries including the U.S., Canada, Australia, and Germany.  One eager, though slightly deranged, earth child even wrote a line-by-line commentary on each facet of PCism.

The following is a partial list of comments:

-----

I enjoyed it immensely, even though I confess to being a member of several of the groups that it pokes fun at.  Anyway, I was a bit surprised that the PC Lexicon didn't include my favourites:

dead---persons of reduced metabolic activity
       biologically challenged

obese--differently weighted
       people of mass
       gravitationally challenged

Perhaps the author(s) might want to include them in some future
edition ...

-----

I must express my displeasure with your callous references to "dead people" in the PC Lexicon.  These individuals you so readily dismiss are in fact the oppressed victims of a most tragic condition, Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome.  On behalf of myself and generations of other PWGs (People With GloSBiDS), I request that you recognize the term we prefer to be called by and act accordingly.
Thank you.

-----

You forgot to add these:

Old                           Politically Correct
----------                    -------------------
Police State                  War On Drugs
Depression                    Temporary economic downturn
War                           Defense
Civilian deaths               Collateral damage
Tax increase for the poor     Tax cut
Cutting taxes for the rich    Stimulating the economy
feminists                     feminazis
environmentalists             tree-hugging enviro-fags
Right-wing                    moderate conservative
moderative conservative       Liberal
Capitalist economic reforms   Democratic reforms

-----

Hey screwy, quit putting liberal crap in this newsgroup.  That's all we need, a liberal bastard touting the merits (ha-ha) of PC.

PC actually means Prick of the College, which is what you will be when you endorse PC.

Environmentalists, animal rights, feminists, gun control, and multi-culturalism do more wrong to this nation and to my education that a Democrat as President!

Go suck on a tailpipe, you liberal scumbag!


---------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1992 - A Friedman/Haladyna Production - All Rights Reserved
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Regarding the real political correctness, the former (note the word) Washington Redskins flagship station will no longer refer to the Redskins with their team name.  They will be called "Washington's Professional Football Team" or "NFL team" or similar.
"And the professional football team from Washington takes the field!"
"The professional football players from Washington sure look fired up today, don't they, Tom?"
"Yes, Al, the quarterback for the Washington area football team told me yesterday that this year's crop of Washington's NFL team receivers is one of the best.  Art Monk is certainly the greatest wide-receiver that has ever played in a Washington professional football team uniform.  And all the fans are really behind the Washington area football team, especially the Hogettes, who wear all their professional football team from Washington paraphernalia to every game."
"Looks like the Washington area football team band is about to strike up the famous anthem "Hail to the players on Washington's professional football team!"
Why don't they just call them the "Senators?"
After all, who knows better how to:
- accept outrageous salaries;
- sling mud;
- play dirty;
- do an end-around;
- punt when the going gets tough;
- and claim that the members of the other team were the reason
they couldn't advance anything?

Furthermore, if they called the team the "Senators" they wouldn't
be offending an outstanding American minority or anything.  The other
football teams might not like being associated with such a universally-
despised group, though.

Finally, the St. Louis team should be:
The St. Louis Bright Red Plumaged Grosbeaks

Don't want to offend any small-beaked finches.
Ornithological Correctness.

Jim Acker

----------------------------------------------------------------------

POLITICALLY CORRECT MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM NAMES

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

PITTSBURGH Sea-Robbers
NEW YORK Inhabitants of a Metropolis
CHICAGO Offspring of Large Furry Omnivorus Mammals.
PHILADELPHIA Natives?
ST. LOUIS Red North American Finches
MONTREAL Exhibits
ATLANTA Native American Warriors
CINCINNATI Red Stockings (old name)
LOS ANGELES Circumventers
SAN DIEGO Clergymen
SAN FRANCISCO Unusually Tall Persons
HOUSTON Star Enthusiasts

AMERICAN LEAGUE:

NEW YORK Natives of N.E. States
BOSTON Red Sox (O.K.?)
BALTIMORE North American Birds with Black and Orange Plummage
CLEVELAND North American Natives
CHICAGO White Sox (O.K.?)
MILWAUKEE Producers of Beer
KANSAS CITY Relatives of a King or Queen
MINNESOTA Identical Siblings
OAKLAND Athletics (old name)
CALIFORNIA Messangers from a Diety
SEATTLE Seafarers
TEXAS Troopers who Patrol a Large Area
DETROIT Large Carnivorus Felines
TORONTO Blue North American Finches 


----------------------------------------------------------------------


     
                      The Patriotically Correct Manifesto

                                 Greg Goebel

  The politically correct movement has thoroughly established itself in liberal-arts departments and art enclaves throughout the United States and is now poised as a great threat to the public at large.

  The Patriotically-Correct movement has been established to counteract this pernicious influence.  No more will the public at large be subjected to abuse when they read low-circulation magazines of intellectual discussion!  And good American citizens will no longer be forced to bear the association with obscure groups of activists, artists, and New Agers!

    Q:  WHAT IS PATRIOTICALLY CORRECT?

    This is a philosophy which places the greatest virtue on the values that made America great.

    Q:  WHAT ARE THESE VALUES?

    Such things as a strong defense, faith in God and country, a belief in hard work and industry, family values ...

    Q:  SOUNDS GREAT!
  
    ... no quotas for minorities, an end to environmental extremism, belief in the death penalty ...

    Q:  NOW WAIT A MINUTE ...

    ... no restrictions on the rights of people to carry arms, keeping those sneaky Japanese in line, suppression of those obnoxious feminists, activists, minority extremists, and gays ...

    Q:  HOLD IT!  THIS IS BEGINNING TO SOUND A LITTLE NARROW-MINDED!

    Narrow-minded?  Do you particularly LIKE feminists and gays?

    Q:  WELL, I DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM MUCH ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ...

    Don't you need to take a stand on this?  Are you really a true patriotic American?  Do you really want to stand there and take the blame for all the world's injustices just because you're a white male?  (You ARE a white male, aren't you?)

    Q:  OK, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I REALLY FEEL, OKAY?

    Okay.

    Q:  WHETHER IT ROTATES RIGHT OR ROTATES LEFT, IT'S STILL A CRANK.

   Wile E. Coyote at the Acme Online Support Organization For The SouthWest

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
 
See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-
endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
 
Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la la la la la la la la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
Fa la la la la la la la la
While I tell of non-materialistic,
non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Canadian Nicknames for Americans - July 9, 1991

10. Skinny bacon lovers
 9. Willard-watchers
 8. Continent hogs
 7. Unmounties
 6. Surfboard-riding goofballs
 5. Individually wrapped cheese slice junkies
 4. Upper Mexicans
 3. Pizza-gorged convertible jockeys
 2. Star-spangled sissy boys
 1. Sununus

Top 10 Little-Known Facts About Clarence Thomas - July 10, 1991

10. Has two first names.
 9. Once reprimanded for using gavel to tenderize veal.
 8. Sees appointment to Supreme Court as stepping stone to meeting 
    Paula Abdul.
 7. Sent man to jail in 1985 for eating pudding with a straw.
 6. Once while handing down a verdict, coined the phrase, "rat's ass."
 5. Wrestles under name of "The Georgia Cyclone."
 4. His legal writings make frequent reference to special episodes of 
    "Kate & Allie."
 3. Has named his nine poodles after Supreme Court justices.
 2. Designs his own robes.
 1. Loves Jacoby; hates Myers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top 10 Rejected Movie Lines - July 11, 1991

10. "My, what a lovely lace doily!"
 9. "Oww!  A papercut!"
 8. "Man-oh-man, do I love fudge!"
 7. "When I think about you, I touch myself."
 6. "Do you have any of those 'ouch-less' Band-Aids?"
 5. "Can you please open this jar of olives for me?"
 4. "Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard!"
 3. "Can you just let me keep my credit cards?"
 2. "Help me, Letterman, help me!"
 1. "Who else loves show tunes?"

Top 10 Other Mary Hart Side Effects - July 12, 1991

10. Hair-do interferes with satellite communications.
 9. Giggle induces skin rash in laboratory rats.
 8. Rapid blinking causes Roger Ebert to give a thumbs-up when he 
    meant to give a thumbs-down.
 7. Her hiccups get owls "hot."
 6. Every time she changes her oil, the Cleveland Indians win.
 5. Close proximity causes dopey grin (John Tesh only).
 4. Laughter causes McDLT hot side to become cold; cold side to become
    hot.
 3. Her Las Vegas show provokes sudden urge to get your money back.
 2. That volcano in the Philippines.
 1. Perfume sets off smoke alarms.

Top 10 Signs You're a Dumb Guy - July 16, 1991

10. Inability to predict upcoming traffic light color.
 9. Subsist entirely on diet of accidentally swallowed gum.
 8. Have to call electrician every morning to turn off alarm clock.
 7. You're positive you can run 55 mph simply by drinking gasoline.
 6. All your friends looked over at you when I announced the topic.
 5. People wearing "I'm with stupid" T-shirts are always asking if 
    then can walk beside you.
 4. You get a letter saying you've been approved for a VISA/Dumb Guy 
    card.
 3. Childlike certainty you won't be dropped from the ticket in '92.
 2. Every time someone tells a knock-knock joke, you get up to answer 
    the door.
 1. Gladly pay a lot for a muffler.

Top 10 Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If Evel Knievel Were President - July 17, 1991

10. Nation's interstate system would include regularly spaced jump 
    ramps.
 9. Giant flame decals added to side of Air Force One.
 8. More fatalities at annual Easter egg hunt.
 7. Court packed with judges favoring 270 mph speed limit.
 6. Secretary of state would wear special suit to greet diplomats 
    while on fire.
 5. Son Robbie Knievel would be screwing up S&L industry.
 4. While jumpsuit <ib>de rigeur<ie>  at state dinners.
 3. Quayle would still be Vice-President -- but his kids would take 
    him seriously.
 2. Americans closer to dream of seeing guy jump over his own face on 
    Mt. Rushmore.
 1. More babies named Evel.

Top 10 Reasons the Senate Needs a Raise - July 18, 1991

10. Now with C-Span, have to wear pants.
 9. Soviets not shelling out for classified stuff like they used to.
 8. Fees just doubled at the Hair Club for Men.
 7. They all bought shares in Neil Bush's "sure thing."
 6. No more money to be made selling drugs to Marion Barry.
 5. Disappointed in sales of "Senate Cola."
 4. "Bikini Open" only available on Pay-Per-View.
 3. Much of current income squandered on gum and flashlight batteries.
 2. New three drink minimum at Au Bar.
 1. Income from bribes not keeping pace with cost of hookers.

Top 10 Ways New York Adjusts to a Heat Wave - July 19, 1991

10. Hot dog vendors dab sweat from forehead with open bun.
 9. Ordinarily touchy and irritable New Yorkers now really touchy and 
    irritable.
 8. To prevent dehydration, citizens shoplifting plenty of fluids.
 7. Crazy people begin conversations with themselves by talking about 
    now hot it is.
 6. Guy on subway with mouthful of ice cubes will blow on you for a 
    buck.
 5. Arsonists take week off to set fires at seashore.
 4. City pumps a little more air-conditioning into clean, efficient 
    monorail system.
 3. "I was hot" becomes legally acceptable defense for murder.
 2. Chefs place cool salmon fillets on their backs.
 1. Convertibles for drive-by shootings.

Top 10 Things Overheard at Rose Kennedy's 101st Birthday - July 23, 1991

10. "Willard didn't mention me.  Have him killed."
 9. "Maria, can you ask Terminator-boy to open this jar of pickles?"
 8. "Hope you like it.  It's called a flowbie."
 7. "Quiet down, everybody!  It's time to welcome comedy superstar 
    Howie Mandel!"
 6. "Anybody seen Ted's pants?"
 5. "How nice!  Another crisp new $5 bill!"
 4. "The Chippendale dancers have asked that she keep her hands off 
    them."
 3. "Who gave her all the dalmatians?"
 2. "The Chivas truck is here!"
 1. "And she's still just as sharp as Ronald Reagan!"

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Motel - July 24, 1991

10. Sheets are warm when you check in.
 9. When you sign register they ask, "Anyone know you're here?"
 8. Instead of "Sanitized for Your Protection," paper band on toilet 
    says "Good Luck."
 7. Drinking glass is wrapped in a sock.
 6. On the pay-per-view porno channel you recognize motel staff.
 5. All night long people knock on your door claiming to have an 
    appointment with someone named Donna.
 4. Clerk asks, "You folks mind dragonflies?"
 3. Instead of a wake-up call, they give you a wake-up slap.
 2. When you ask manager about Magic Fingers he says, "You're looking 
    at 'em."
 1. Teeth marks in the soap.

Top 10 Least Popular Cruises - July 26, 1991

10. Lake Shasta Fishing Charter
 9. Captain Hazelwood's Reef Safari
 8. Richard Simmons' Sweatin' Round the Equator
 7. The Guy from Milwaukee Who Chops People Up and Puts Them in a 
    Freezer Fun Ship
 6. Saddam's Goat Boat
 5. Submarine under the Polar Ice Cap with Rip Taylor
 4. The Carnival People Cruise Line
 3. The Staten Island Ferry
 2. Love Boat Junket to the Kennedy Compound
 1. The S.S. Metal Fatigue

Top 10 Signs the Royal Marriage Is in Trouble - July 30, 1991

10. He's never in the mood to let the kids play with his ears anymore.
 9. Palace dwarf seen with long mopey face like he'd just been crying.
 8. Late night visits to Di's room from Sinatra.
 7. Charles has moved in with college pal Oscar Madison.
 6. She's always on phone with Jacoby; he's always on phone with 
    Myers.
 5. In recent tiff with mother-in-law, Di yelled, "Who died and made 
    you queen?"
 4. Cake at anniversary party read: "To Charles & Diana on your 10th 
    and final year together."
 3. Haven't played "polish the scepter" in months.
 2. They scream at each other like professional wrestlers.
 1. She's always griping: "Why don't you get a real job?"

Top 10 Acts not Good Enough for Circus of the Stars - July 31, 1991

10. Jake shoots the Fat Man out of a cannon.
 9. Sean Young as Catwoman.
 8. Joanne Worley consumes a lit cigar.
 7. Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Calliope.
 6. Mary Hart gives bearded lady a fit with her voice.
 5. Hugh Downs takes a nap.
 4. That guy in Milwaukee dismembers two dozen clowns and stuffs them 
    into one tiny car.
 3. David Letterman's hair.
 2. Doug Henning gargling.
 1. Siskel puts head into Ebert's mouth.

Top 10 Ways To Get a GE Executive Angry - August 1, 1991

10. Change the channel during wrestling.
 9. Replace quality Sylvania bulbs in his office with GE bulbs.
 8. Correct his grammar when he says, "We don't got no time for safety
    testing."
 7. Knock loudly on his office door during nap-time.
 6. Tell him the truth about Pee-Wee.
 5. Call him up in middle of the night and ask, "How the heck does 
    electricity work anyway?"
 4. Reveal ending to "Problem Child II."
 3. Ask to see his high school diploma.
 2. Tell him there's no such thing as "trouser pixies."
 1. Replace them all with a single malnourished monkey.

Top 10 Legal Holidays in Hell - August 2, 1991

10. Feast of St. Steinbrenner
 9. Hug-a-Lawyer Day
 8. Evil Groundhog Day
 7. Birthday of the Guy Who Invented "The Wave"
 6. Hitler Tuesday
 5. Presbyterians-Who-Giggled-in-Church Day
 4. Monday After the Fourth of July, If the Fourth Falls on a Weekend
 3. Honda Deal-a-thon Days
 2. All-Star Softball Game with Purgatory
 1. Saddam Appreciation Day

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Coup - August 20, 1991

10. "Excuse me, Mr. Yeltsin, are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
 9. "Get your Gorbachump T-shirt!"
 8. "Damn!  Just when we were this close to getting RC Cola!"
 7. "What the hell is Mookie Wilson doing here?"
 6. "Put your pants back on comrade Kennedy."
 5. "Will this affect the happy meals at the Moscow McDonald's?"
 4. "Raisa, better turn on the Bat Signal."
 3. "Are you a hardliner or are you just glad to see me?"
 2. "Aiieee!  Hurricane Bob!"
 1. "Now who gets to wear the cool forehead decal?"

Boris Yeltsin's Top 10 Coup-Busting Tips - August 21, 1991

10. Drive around occupied Parliament, honking horn and shouting 
    "Hardliners suck!"
 9. Don't be tricked: before opening door, make sure it really is the 
    pizza guy.
 8. Keep phoning coup committee asking to speak with "Dick Hertz."
 7. Broadcast Mary Hart's voice into their bunker until they go nuts.
 6. Offer KGB secret American sneaker-phone technology.
 5. Tell them they're won trip to Super Bowl; when they show up to 
    claim tickets -- nab 'em.
 4. Make up knock-knock jokes using the name "Gennady."
 3. Tell them you've got Van Damme.
 2. Threaten to tell their folks.
 1. Introduce one of the coup leaders to Yoko Ono.

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Spa - August 22, 1991

10. Name of spa includes words "Speedway" or "Route 1."
 9. Shower sandals are just empty Kleenex boxes.
 8. Hot springs connected to drain from nearby carwash.
 7. Spa owner has personalized license plate "FRAUD."
 6. You're pulled out of bed at 5 a.m. and sent to sell flowers at the
    airport.
 5. Manager claims heating oil smell in your room is a form of 
    "aromatherapy."
 4. Mickey Rourke won't leave the whirlpool.
 3. A guy expresses interest in buying one of your kidneys.
 2. You find out that's not mud in the mud baths.
 1. Everywhere you turn -- Willard.

Top 10 Least Popular Biker Tattoos - August 23, 1991

10. "Bad to the Bone Due to a Calcium Deficiency"
 9. "Bingo Nut"
 8. "I Support Public Transportation"
 7. "Thank You for Not Smoking"
 6. "Follow Me to the Potpourri Barn"
 5. Tattooed autograph of golf legend Al Geiberger
 4. "I Know I'm Going to Heaven Because I've Spent My Time in Hell; 
    Merrill-Lynch Trainee Program 1986"
 3. "Ask Me About Mary Kaye Cosmetics"
 2. "Have You Hugged Your Pomeranian Today?"
 1. "Guns 'n' Roses 'n' Bran Muffins"

Top 10 Things We'll Miss about Communism - September 3, 1991

10. The cute way they'd say, "We will bury you."
 9. Fifteen-year wait for automobile allowed ample time to get suction
    cup Garfield windshield toy.
 8. No more "NATO Sucks" bumper stickers.
 7. Dick Clark's Rockin' May Day Live from Red Square.
 6. Those marvelous stuffed mushrooms at Politburo parties.
 5. Laughable manufacturing techniques meant there was always someone 
    whose appliances were worse than GE's.
 4. Hardliners on a cold night.
 3. Extra money from selling U.S. military blueprints to Kremlin (Paul
    Shaffer only).
 2. "Communist Day" at Shea Stadium.
 1. The thrill of making love in a bugged hotel room.

Top 10 Other Ways Cheerleader Mom Helped Her Daughter - September 4, 1991

10. Hired sniper to eliminate competition in church picnic sack race.
 9. Orchestrated coup attempt on Gorbachev because daughter though his
    forehead stain was "gross."
 8. Got Gambino crime family to turn over card table at rival bake 
    sale.
 7. Arranged for Michelle Pfeiffer to play daughter in TV movie. about
    trial.
 6. For daughter's third birthday party, let her stab clown.
 5. Started rift between MacNeil and Lehrer, hoping one of them would 
    step down.
 4. Kept murdering K-Mart cashiers until daughter's name reached top 
    of waiting list.
 3. Beat the crap out of drivers ed teacher.
 2. Offered Satan her eternal soul so that Shanna's eyeliner would 
    never smear.
 1. Served tainted chili to glee club.

Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Jokes - September 5, 1991

10. Help me find my car keys and we can drive out of here.
 9. How do you think I rang the doorbell?
 8. The light lunch was my idea.
 7. Too bad Mother wasn't here.  We could have saved the horse and 
    wagon.
 6. The one in front is sick and the other one's pushing him to the 
    hospital.
 5. While you were upstairs talking, we were down here enjoying hot 
    buttered corn.
 4. We can save the lady, but I'm afraid it's too late for the rabbi.
 3. Read the card!  Read the card!
 2. And the dog says, "I've never had five dollars before!"
 1. Move over honey -- I have to gargle.

Top 10 Questions Asked of Gorbachev and Yeltsin - September 6, 1991

10. "Are you kids dating?"
 9. "Which of you guys is the really messy one and which is the really
    neat one?"
 8. "Is it true about Raisa and Geraldo?"
 7. "Can we have Lenin's body for our Lions Club charity auction?"
 6. "I said, 'When with the translator arrive?'"
 5. "Would you ever consider calling yourselves Harley Davidson and 
    the Marlboro Man?"
 4. "Who the hell is Myrtle Young?"
 3. "Either of you interested in being the Democratic candidate in 
    '92?"
 2. "Play 'Freebird'!"
 1. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad College - September 10, 1991

10. On university seal, word "college" is spelled with a K.
 9. Many alumni still living out behind the stadium.
 8. Your English professor looks a lot like your history professor 
    minus the fake nose and glasses.
 7. School colors are dark brown and slightly darker brown.
 6. Instructors ask that you place finished exam papers into their 
    pants pocket.
 5. When you mention your college, people in town say, "Oh yeah.  The 
    old kennel."
 4. Coach of your basketball team is Jerry Tarkanian.
 3. School song is "Freebird."
 2. Asked about accreditation the Dean of Admissions replies, "I got 
    your accreditation right here!"
 1. Valedictorian is a counting pony.

Top 10 Least Popular Hors d'Oeuvres - September 11, 1991

10. Bacon-wrapped gravel
 9. Hot 'n' spicy nickels
 8. Lint on a Ritz
 7. Ben Gay balls
 6. Super-crunchie cocoons
 5. Hudson River sushi
 4. Rice Krispie squares that have been in Don Zimmer's locker
 3. Devilled aphid mini-pizzas
 2. That's Not Caviar
 1. Vienna Snausages

Top 10 Cuban Tourist Slogans - September 12, 1991

10. You'll come for the shortages... You'll stay for the rationing!
 9. If we had electricity, we'd leave a light on for you.
 8. Food, folks, and fun -- minus the food and fun.
 7. Baseball diphtheria -- catch it!
 6. Guaranteed: no Cheerleader Mom!
 5. We think we saw a can of walnuts in the basement of the airport.
 4. Ever see a real live marielito knife fight?
 3. First 50 tourists dressed like Castro get in free!
 2. Those are missile silos and we are glad to see you.
 1. It sucks -- but please come anyway.

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Miss America Pageant - September 13, 1991

10. Trading sex for food at an Atlantic City Wendy's.
 9. Trying to enter the contest by claiming to be "Miss West 
    Carolina."
 8. Showing your new boyfriend Mike Tyson around the dressing room.
 7. Sassing Regis.
 6. Heavy petting with a union stagehand.
 5. Wearing a sash that says, "Screw You."
 4. Affidavit proving you are the former Mr. Ed Daniels.
 3. Taking a leak on the beach.
 2. Being seen in a bar talking with Cheerleader Mom.
 1. Corking your swimsuit.

Top 10 Reasons for th Trump-Maples Break Up - September 24, 1991

10. Couldn't agree on who was more shallow.
 9. Banks forced him to sell Marla as part of debt restructuring.
 8. Shy, reclusive Trump feared marrying an ex-model might attract 
    attention.
 7. Caught him stealing tips off other tables at restaurants.
 6. In moment of passion, Marla called Trump, "Meal Ticket."
 5. Philosophical differences about Dead Sea Scrolls.
 4. Marla's complete inability to remove ground-in dirt.
 3. He found out she was lying when she said her father invented maple
    syrup.
 2. Audience didn't vote for a second date.
 1. The stupid potion he gave her wore off.

Top 10 Surprises in the Dead Sea Scrolls - September 25, 1991

10. The secret recipe for Mrs. Field's cookies.
 9. The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not pay a lot for a muffler.
 8. It turns out Billy Joel did start the fire.
 7. Frequent use of the word "gnarly."
 6. In the marginal decoration, you can find Waldo.
 5. Book of Revelations originally ended with a high-speed car chase.
 4. Without getting too specific, Presbyterians are in a lot of 
    trouble.
 3. Specifically states Marla gets to keep the engagement ring.
 2. St. Joseph was really ticklish.
 1. Loads of money-saving coupons!

Top 10 Signs You're Watching Too Much Television - September 26, 1991

10. You know the astrological signs of the three guys on Monday Night 
    Football.
 9. Your kids are named Doogie, Oprah, and Geraldo.
 8. You write angry letters to CNN asking why they cancelled that cool
    Desert Storm show.
 7. You keep pressing the mute button, but your dog's still barking.
 6. You rented a tux to watch the "Cheers" anniversary show.
 5. You miss every question on the SAT's except the one about 
    Matlock's pants.
 4. Every time a talking car goes by, you're positive it's "Knight 
    Rider."
 3. Nothing on God's green Earth pleases you more than the jovial 
    exchanges between Regis and Kathie Lee.
 2. Whenever there's a problem, you wonder, "What would Goober do?"
 1. You've seen Vanna wear the same thing twice.

Top 10 Features of Biosphere II - September 27, 1991

10. A Gap.
 9. All-you-can-eat food pellet Tuesdays.
 8. A surprising number of handguns.
 7. Fluffy the bio-poodle.
 6. Boxes and boxes of biodegradable condoms.
 5. Eight barbers -- no waiting!
 4. A really big Garfield suction cup doll.
 3. More special effects, more steamy love scenes, and more high-speed
    car chases than in Biosphere I.
 2. Overpowering smell of Windex.
 1. The Clapper.

Top 10 Highlights of Bush's Visit to Disney World - October 1, 1991

10. Posed as wax figure in Hall of Presidents and goosed tourists.
 9. Surprised to discover Dukakis in a duck suit.
 8. Cocktails and pellets with Mickey.
 7. Millie getting into cryogenic chamber and licking frozen body of 
    Walt Disney.
 6. Substantive discussions with Goofy regarding possible spot on '92 
    ticket.
 5. Sununu using Dumbo ride to visit dentist in Orlando.
 4. Demonstration of technology that allows costumed characters to go 
    3 days without taking a leak.
 3. 47 mouse-shaped ice cream bars consumed by Barbara.
 2. Pluto and Millie sniffing each other.
 1. Pluto and Quayle sniffing each other.

Top 10 Recent Revelations About the CIA - October 2, 1991

10. Engineered coup that toppled Richard Dawson from "Family Feud."
 9. Unsuccessfully tried to persuade Yakov Smirnoff to defect back.
 8. Replaced coffee ordinarily served with Folgers crystals.
 7. So-called "truth serum" nothing but Karo syrup and food coloring.
 6. Chief hitman -- Bruce Hornsby
 5. Determined early in 1989 that Gorbachev was working for the 
    Soviets.
 4. Their code name for Joe DiMaggio: Mr. Coffee.
 3. Agents routinely strip-search themselves.
 2. The whole thing is run by Robert Goulet.
 1. You don't have to be crazy to work there but it helps.

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Restaurant - October 3, 1991

10. After presenting food, waiter says, "Good luck."
 9. The ASPCA has the kitchen staked out.
 8. Guy stops by table to ask if you want your fork spit-shined.
 7. You suddenly realize it's the water that's amber-colored, not the 
    glass.
 6. Free range chickens wander around men's room.
 5. You ask for a napkin and the waiter says, "Oh, who's Mister 
    Fancy?"
 4. One of your burritos is a rolled-up Ace bandage.
 3. The only thing French about the chef is the way he's kissing your 
    wife.
 2. When you wake up, your date is gone.
 1. They consider Saltines a pasta.

Top 10 Reasons This Liz Taylor Marriage Is Going to Last - October 4, 1991

10. She's used up all her practice marriages.
 9. Huge success rate of weddings hosted by chimp-owning recluses.
 8. It's perfect -- he's in construction and she's been rebuilt a 
    couple of times.
 7. Nostradamus predicted the eighth marriage would last.
 6. Larry: beer-drinking fat guy.  Liz: beer-drinking fat guy.
 5. Have promised to stay together and raise Michael Jackson.
 4. Richard Burton's pathological jealously less of a problem now that
    he's dead.
 3. She's no longer using Bobby Knight as marriage counselor.
 2. Larry's pregnant.
 1. She's married everybody else.

Top 10 Least Popular Craftsman Tools - October 8, 1991

10. Three-speed Q-tip
 9. Exploding nails
 8. Lee Press-On Rivets
 7. Toupee clamp
 6. One-rung ladder
 5. Groin puller
 4. Uncontrollable chainsaw
 3. Birth control nail apron
 2. Imaginary hammer
 1. Gas-powered Clapper

Clarence Thomas' Top 10 Pick-Up Lines - October 9, 1991

10. "How about a little affirmative action?"
 9. "This robe is big enough for the two of us."
 8. "The other judges don't understand me."
 7. "Wanna meet Wapner?"
 6. "How about a peek at exhibits A and B?"
 5. "It is my opinion, based on existing statutes and established 
    precedents, that you could be a model."
 4. "Weren't you at the Guns n' Roses party in L.A.?"
 3. "You've got beautiful eyes, Senator Cranston."
 2. "That's not a gavel."
 1. "I find you guilty -- to being a fabulous babe!"

Top 10 LensCrafters Excuses for not Having Your Glasses Done in About an Hour - October 10, 1991

10. We use the word "about" to mean "give or take a day."
 9. Got wrapped up in back room making sock puppets with glasses on 
    them.
 8. Without your glasses on, you probably misread your watch.
 7. Technicians sexually harassed all afternoon by Clarence Thomas.
 6. Manager chugged a quart of saline solution; passed out in the 
    nosepad closet.
 5. I never wanted to be a LensCrafter.  I really want to be a singer!
 4. I supposed you also believe Keebler cookies are made by elves who 
    live in a tree.
 3. Mr. LensCrafter don't like questions.
 2. We meant an hour on Neptune.
 1. What's it to you, four-eyes?

Top 10 Surprises in the Barbara Walters Interview with the Quayles - October 11, 1991

10. Overeager Dan started crying as interview began.
 9. After every good answer, Barbara gave each of them a little snack.
 8. Dan likes to sit in a trash bag and play Biosphere II.
 7. Embarrassing way they made out during whole show.
 6. He repeatedly asked the video technicians, "You guys making a 
    movie?"
 5. The audience didn't vote for a second date.
 4. You'd think they would've stopped when Dan got the hiccups.
 3. He was once pinched in the ass by Clarence Thomas.
 2. His shock at learning all those Dan Quayle jokes are about him.
 1. The way Dan kept referring to Walters as "Oprah".

Top 10 Signs You've Bought a Bad Car - October 15, 1991

10. As you drive it off the lot, you see all the salesmen wildly 
    high-fiving each other.
 9. It fails the emissions test even when its not running.
 8. Don't have enough power to get over speed bumps.
 7. Owner's manual includes several prayers.
 6. You leave it parked for an hour on the West Side Highway and 
    nobody takes it.
 5. Digital display indicates number of people now laughing at you.
 4. So-called "decorative floor mats" just flattened Cap'n Crunch 
    boxes.
 3. Blinking light on dashboard reads, "Get out of car now!"
 2. Headlights controlled by The Clapper.
 1. Car phone has direct line to AAA.

Top 10 Duties of the New Guy on the Supreme Court - October 16, 1991

10. Polish coins the other justices flip when making a decision.
 9. Summarize "L.A. Law" at Friday morning meeting.
 8. Act as lookout when they go to egg Wapner's house.
 7. Distribute profits from Supreme Court Action Figures.
 6. Quietly endure coarse sexual comments from his superior, Sandra 
    Day O'Connor.
 5. For first week, has to wear boxer shorts on outside of robe.
 4. Drive the truck under the Supreme Court Rose Bowl float.
 3. Feed the Supreme Cat.
 2. Do the Vice-President's civics homework.
 1. Return the keg and pay the hookers.

Top 10 Slogans for G.E. Coffeemakers - October 17, 1991

10. We cut out the safety testing -- and passed the savings on to you!
 9. Makes enough to serve 12 firemen.
 8. Billy Joel didn't start the fire -- we did!
 7. Finally -- an affordable suicide machine!
 6. Gee, your burning hair smells terrific!
 5. It's like Joe DiMaggio smoking in bed.
 4. As seen in "Backdraft."
 3. We make nuclear reactors too!
 2. Fire, folks, and fun.
 1. Coffee so good, it'll burn your house down!

Clarence Thomas' Top 10 Favorite Movie Rentals - October 18, 1991

10. "Ernest Goes to the Mustang Ranch"
 9. "Orgy in the Court"
 8. "Wetness for the Prosecution"
 7. "Legal Spreadeagles"
 6. "Twelve Angry Men and a Really Hot Cheerleader"
 5. "The 69th Amendment"
 4. "L.A. Raw"
 3. "Red Hot Stuff Conservatives Are Supposed To Be Against"
 2. "Dances Without Briefs"
 1. "Jacoby Does Meyers"
