
        ATTENTION : All citizens of Arkansas planning a trip to
                  Washington, D.C. to visit Willy Jeff

 1.  Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields 
     and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed.

 2.  Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown
     shoe polish is smoothly applied.  Boxes must have tops, but no 
     ropes.  When a few miles out of Arkansas, remove overalls and 
     brogans and putt them into your box.  Change to Sunday suit, 
     clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks).

 3.  Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of
     riders.  It looks country to overload a vehicle.

 4.  Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early.
     Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times, 
     except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon.

 5.  En route always buy a full tank of gas.  A dollar's worth at a 
     time requires too many gas stops.

6.   On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or
     boarding house.  If they don't feed, try to locate near an 
     all-nite cafe. Leave soda crackers, Viennas, R.C. Colas and Moon 
     Pies in car or pick-up. First class tourist homes do not take 
     kindly to guests who prepare food in their sleeping rooms.

7.   Do not take live chickens or hogs - for some reason people in
     Virginia think that they have good hams.  For the sake of 
     national unity, we don't want to show them up.  Besides, their 
     dogs would chase our chickens and our hogs would eat their 
     dogs... just making a hell of a mess.

8.   Do not take Sears catalog or corn cobbs with you.  Up there the
     out-houses are always inside and they furnish a rolled paper 
     substitute, but remember to turn the knob on the white bowl as 
     this is a house rule and creates less air pollution problems.  
     Brother Al Gore gets all heated about this pollution and we don't
     want to set him off.

9.   If invited by a county agent, fertilizer manufacturer's
     representative or hog vaccine manufacturer's salesman to have a 
     drink in his hotel room, do not spit tobacco juice on the 
     carpeted floor.  When asked what you drink, don't say "stump 
     juice".  Tell them all classy people from Arkansas drink B&B 
     (Bourbon and Branch water).

10.  And above all else - don't let any Yankee show you up.  Constant
     screaming of "He's a good ole boy" will make it difficult for 
     them to engage you in conversation on their intelligence level.  
     You can also keep up the chant started by Cousin Slick, "It's 
     time for change!"  As you know, we plan a change of underwear on 
     the first of every month.  First cousins change with second 
     cousins, but always keep it in the family.  Willie has passed a 
     decree, even when divorced you can still be cousins in Arkansas.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Jesus and Moses decided to go golfing one day, and so they went.
Just before tee off on the first hole, an old geezer asks if he
can make it a threesome. Seeing nothing wrong with this, Jesus
says OK. Anyhow, along comes the third hole, a wicked shot across
100yds of water onto an island green about twenty yards in diameter.
Jesus shoots first, and tops the ball. As it heads straight for
the water he nods to Moses. Moses raises his arms, parts the
water, and Jesus' shot skids along the bottom and up onto the green.
Moses shoots next, and skies it. It's only going to go about thirty
yards so he looks at Jesus who raises his arms. The ball hits and
stays on top of the water, Jesus walks over, picks it up, and brings
it back to Moses who hits again, landing just on the green. The old
guy hits the ball, and it's way too hard, sailing right over the
island across the water and onto the other side, then down a gopher
hole. Suddenly a gopher pops his head out of the hole, the golf
ball in his mouth. Out of the sky dives an eagle, picks up the gopher
(ball and all) and flies away with it. Then a bolt of lightning
strikes the eagle, causing him to drop the gopher, and the gopher
to drop the ball. A terrific gust of wind comes out of the south,
and blows the ball right onto the island, and down the hole for
a hole in one. Somewhat taken aback, Jesus squints and looks at the
old guy, then says: "Nice Shot, Dad!!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  An avid golfer and his wife are out playing golf. The husband has a
great round going until he gets to the par 4 14th hole where he
slices badly to the right and ends up behind a barn. He is upset and
complaining that he is going to have to waist a shot to chip back to
the fairway. His wife says "Look, honey if you open the doors at both
ends of the barn you have a clear shot right to the green." The
husband opens both sets of doors and proceeds to hit the ball. He
slices again and the ball hits the barn, bounces back hitting his
wife in the head, killing her. After some months the husband has put
the tragic death of his wife behind him. He has met a new lady and
they soon get married. One day they are out on the same golf course
and lo and behold the husband is having another great round. When
they get to the 14th hole the husband slices badly to the right and
again ends up behind the barn! He is grumbling and upset that he must
waist a shot to chip back to the fairway. His wife begins to say
"Honey, if you open both sets of doors...", "No way!" says the
husband, cutting his wife off in mid sentence. "The last time I
tried that on this hole I ended up with a SEVEN!!!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
            Education - ain't in wonderful!
            -------------------------------
 
Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, Old Joe
took him down to the outhouse one day to teach him how to
urinate properly.
 
"Now you lissen good, Dan'l cus here's whatcha gotta do:
 
  One:   Take out your pekker.
 
  Two:   Pull back the foreskin.
 
Three:   Pee.
 
 Four:   Push back yer foreskin.
 
 Five:   Put yer pekker back inta yer pants."
 
The boy said he understood.
 
The next day while the father was working at his still,
his wife came running over.
 
"Oh Joe, come quickly. Dan'l went into the outhouse to 
pee and he won't come outta the darn place!"
 
"Hell, what's he doing in there?"
 
"I dunno, he just keeps sayin 'Two-four, two-four, two four'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
10SNE1          ;tennis, anyone?
14U2C           ;One for you to see ("Sky-Hi" Toyota 4wd)
1GOTO1          ;Silicon Valley License plate
2DBCH           ;To the Beach!
2ED4ED          ;Certainly Ed owns the car
2GOOD4U         ;on a cheap oldsmobile
2HSPRN          ;2 required at bed time?
2QIK4U          ;RX-7
3NON            ;Read this upside-down
4GETIT          ;on a black TA driven by a married lady!!!
4SURE           ;fer shure
55N-UP          ;55mph and up
6 KIDS          ;on a Chevy Suburban in UTAH
9FOFO           ;9 four four, on a Porsche 944
A 4X4X8         ;on a Honda
A-SLAAB         ;on a Saab
ALICE           ;on a white Rabbit
ASLAAB          ;on a Saab
AU YLOKS        ;(Goldilocks)
BAA BAA         ;Baa Baa 'on a ' Black Jeep
BCNU2           ;Be seeing you too
BEACHN          ;Beaching!
BESIDES         ;Sideline beekeeper
BEYOND          ;On a 'blue' plymouth 'HORIZON', Beyond the horizon
BIG BUX         ;on a Ferrari 308
BIRDIE          ;Driven by good looking lady from New Zealand
BKEEPR          ;Bee keeper
BY YALL         ;on a Porsche 911
BYE-BYE         ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
BYMYHNY         ;Buy my honey, a beekeeper
CAR BUF         ;on a car owned by Bill Buff
CLICHE          ;on a BMW!
CME4DK          ;See me for decay, on a dentist's car.
CRAY Z          ;Crazy
CULATR          ;See you Later,
DAD IOU         ;on a Trans Am
DNTSMKE         ;Don't smoke
DUTY            ;for a Honda 'Civic Duty'
DUTY            ;for an Audi, 'Audi Duty'
DV-DT           ;on a Honda Civic Si
E FUDD          ;A bugs bunny fan
FIT2SKI         ;Fit to ski
FLEWBYU         ;flew by you (this was on a Corvette)
FORDBBQ         ;on a ford pinto
FRAUD           ;on a Porsche 911 "Carerra"
FUNHOG          ;seen in Montana
GO4IT           ;Go for it!
GONSNO          ;on an 85 Jeep CJ-7
GR8LAKE         ;Great Lake(s)
GR8SPCL         ;Great Specials
GSNDHT          ;Gesundheit, on an Isuzu
GUT-SEE         ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
HIHO AG         ;hi ho silver!
HITECH          ;High Technology
I SK8           ;I skate/ice skate
I12BNZC         ;I want to be in the Sea, a diver
I8NY            ;stolen from a Gary larson Cartoon
IAML8           ;I am late on a white rabbit
IAMYY4U         ;I am too wise for you
IB2BAD          ;I Be too bad
IBCNU           ;I'll be seeing ya!
ICU812          ;I see you ate one too!
IMA10           ;I'm a 10!
IMATEN          ;I'm a 10!
IMB4U           ;I'm before you!
IMEZRU          ;I'm a zuru
INYORI          ;In Your Eye...
IOAA            ;(I owe AA)
IONO1           ;I owe no one
IX XIV          ;on a Porsche 914
IXIVIV          ;on a Porsche 944
KPOOM           ;on a small car
LEMON           ;on a late model Mustang convertible
LUV DAD         ;on a convertible 86 Z-28
MAGIC           ;on a Corvette
MINE            ;on a Lincoln Town car
MY CAR          ;at least now we know who owns that car...
MY DEBT         ;on a New York car
MYREVNG         ;My Revenge (Divorcee)
MYZRATI         ;Seen on a Mazerati in San Jose
NICE EH         ;on a REALLY beat up car
NOBODY          ;on a Rolls Royce
NOBRKS          ;no brakes!
NONE            ;Funny when this one is on paper (registration,tickets,etc)
NOPLATE         ;Funny when on paper
NOT FAT         ;on a RX7 (woman owned)
NOT HOT         ;on a Porsche 924
NRVOUS          ;on a red porsche 911  (he was driving cautiously)
NTOTO2          ;And toto too
OBJET           ;on a Dodge Dart
OHGOOD          ;You say this when you are buried in traffic
OK DIE          ;on a NH 'Live free or Die' automobile.
OMEGA1          ;on a Jaguar Xj6
PAWSH           ;on a Porsche
POORSCH         ;on an RX-7 Turbo
RACN            ;Racing
RARE            ;on a 55 Chevy
REBOS           ;(sober, backwards)
REDDVL          ;on a 911 turbo
RU4REAL         ;Are you for real?
RUAG8D8         ;Are you a great date?
RUBZ            ;Are you busy?
RUBZ2NT         ;Are you busy tonite?
RUMRS2          ;Are you Mrs 2? (on a Toyota Mr2)
RUNVUS          ;Are you envious?
STOP            ;Get the message?
STORK1          ;on an Obstetrician's Mercedes
SWTPEA          ;on a green Porsche 911
THANXDAD        ;well, what can I say?
TIN CAN         ;on a Toyota
TOFLY           ;on a late model Olds 442
TWEETY          ;on a yello 57 Thunderbird
U LOSE          ;on a Mustang GT
UCLAFOX         ;on a Woman's 280ZX
UNIXINU         ;Unix, forwards and backwards
UNV ME          ;You envy me
UR2LOW          ;on a Jacked up 69 Camaro 4WD + Lift kit
UWANT12         ;You want one too?
VAN GO          ;for a vanpool
VANITY          ;plain and simple
W8LFTR          ;Weightlifter
WAS HIS         ;After a divorce, on a jaguar
WHOCARZ         ;Who Cares?
WHOOSH          ;on a porsche
WHORU           ;Who are you?
XXXXXX          ;on a Mercedes
XYZZY           ;Seen on an Ohio car, the magic word
YOT YM          ;My toy, backwards
ZPDUDA          ;Zippity doo dah....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What squishes in toes?
So squishy it glows?
More fun than a cow chewing cud?
What's less than obscene?
But still isn't clean?
It's MUD MUD MUD
It's Mu-ud, it's Mu-ud,
It's COLD, it's WET, it's SLIMY!
It's Mu-ud, it's Mu-ud,
It's better than dirty, it's grimy!
Everyone wants some mud,
Everyone needs some mud,
Mud! NEW from BLAMMO!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
YEAR IN REVIEW

I like to live the kind of life where regrets are not impediments, but
building blocks. Something to learn from. I thought I would share with 
you a few things I've learned in 1993.

 1.  I won't marry Lorena Bobbitt.

 2.  I don't like Beavis and Butthead, but they provide a very important
     lesson:  Don't play with matches.

 3.  Kill any siblings named 'Latoya.'

 4.  Jurrassic Park taught me to stand very still and remain calm when 
     looking down the throat of a large lizard with big teeth.  
     Especially when in the can.

 5.  David Letterman taught me that you can be popular and make 42 
     million dollars while insulting yuppies.

 6.  When someone says they have an "average" body, it's somewhere 
     between avocado and plum shaped.

 7.  Barney is the Anti-Christ.

 8.  Guns don't kill people.  Ammunition does.

 9.  Handwriting recognition software is fun at parties.

10.  Even Lyle Lovett can get lucky.

11.  I hope I can look as good as Lassie when I'm 350 (dog) years old.

12.  There are no gays in the military.  At least, they aren't supposed 
     to admit it.

13.  I need to drink more to stave off the effects cigarettes have on my 
     heart.

14.  People ask Marilyn the stupidest questions.

15.  Henry Winkler is 3 years younger than my dad (though, I'd still date
     Henry, if he asked me out.).

16.  Al Gore is really kinda cool (in a 'knotty pine' sort of way).  I 
     hope he runs for president someday.  I'd date him too.

17.  My parents are conservatives.

18.  The Internet is a great new way to meet people, exchange ideas and
     validate your existence by getting on 50 or 60 mailing lists.

19.  Mayor Frank Jordan should be thrown off the GG Bridge with Angela 
     Alioto tied around his neck.

20.  Ross Perot is a ninny.  Well, actually, I already knew that but it 
     was refreshing to see it on Larry King.

21.  Homelessness is a crime.  Actually, I didn't have a clue about that 
     until Frank Jordan burned the constitution.  Does the matrix program 
     make us a police state or a state of denial?

22.  Matrix used to be the name of a night club.  Apparently you could be
     arrested if you asked someone to dance.

23.  Howard Stern can write!  However, the crayola was smudged in my copy 
     of his book.

24.  Rush Limbaugh can write!  I must have gone through 4 bottles of 
     motrin trying to get through his book.

25.  Prozac is this generation's equivalent to valium.

26.  Marijuana makes me sneeze. I didn't inhale, by the way.  I think.  
     It's so hard to remember...well, maybe I did.

27.  I don't understand modern art.  A 'Power-Shop-Vac' in a glass box 
     with a $300,000 price tag confused me.

28.  Anne Rice is the Messiah.  Actually, I think it would only be fair 
     for god to send 'his only begotten son' back as a woman.  Especially
     a woman who says "I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body."

29.  Gay men are so sarcastic.

30.  And, because I didn't want to end on an odd number : Don't cook over
     an open fire while wearing lame`.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Courtroom Q & A

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
   identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.


THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
   and you didn't scream?
A. No ma'am.
Q. Does that mean you consented?
A. No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
   able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
   to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
   with him to the station?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
   by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Top ten responses you don't want to hear after asking someone to marry 
you:

10- What did you say your name was?
 9- Y'know, You're the second person to ask me that, and I work on a
    "FIRST-COME, FIRST SERVED" basis
 8- What's the punchline?
 7- Only if you prove your love for me by jumping off a cliff.
 6- Let me think it over and I'll have my people get back to your 
    people.
 5- Yea, sure.. Next February 30th.
 4- I'll give you an answer as soon as I can find out how cold it is 
    in Hell today.
 3- WOW, I've never been that drunk!
 2- Ask me again when we're the last two people on Earth.
 1- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  There was this lady whose husband just had back surgery. He was to be bed-ridden for about a month. He told his wife, since they could not have sex, that she could have any man but that they would have to have sex in their bedroom.
 Well, one day the wife coerced the mailman up-stairs to her and her husband's bedroom. Her husband appeared to be sleeping but she told the mailman to pull one of her husband's butt hairs out to see if he was still asleep. The mailman obliged and pulled out one hair. Nothing. The husband was still asleep. After about an hour, the lady and the mailman decided to go at it again. Again the mailman pulled out one of the lady's husband's butt hairs. This kept on going for the next 8 hours. Finally, the last time the lady and the mailman decided to have sex, the mailman pulled a butt hair out of the husband's butt. This time the husband woke up and said, "buddy, I don't mind you screwin my wife but, will you quit using my ass as a scoreboard"?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense
Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set
it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10
warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
We are talking about a lot of jobs.

  [Another] reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses
directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we
ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
are not.
  -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
     Political Fallout"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.

How does Teflon stick to pans?  <--- CAUTION: Tagline Warning!

The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
chance to prove it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke
French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After
dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Found this under a toga:

'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod       And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
Did groove and trip out at the pad:   The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,  Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad.          And doffed her miniskirt.

"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son!   One, two!  One, two!  And through
The looks that melt, the claws that   and through
catch!                                The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun    He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"          And went galumphing back.

He took his venerable staff in hand:  "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
Long time the cool young stuff he     Come to my arms, my horny boy!
sought --                             O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
So rested he among the spree          He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.

                       'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
                       Did groove and trip out at the pad:
                       All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
                       And the Radcliffe undergrad.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
He heard there was plenty of room at the top, so he wanted to
start there.

When she applies for a job, under "Sex" she writes, "Try me."

He got fired from a job at the bank.  He tried to take home his work.

Hard work never killed anybody.  He doesn't want to take a chance on being 
the first victim.

He's got a problem at work.  He doesn't do anything, so he doesn't know 
when he's finished.

He's a plant manager.  All day long he waters them!

There was a blessed event in his house...his wife got a job.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 It was the annual baseball game between the townspeople and the 
prisoners.   When his turn at bat came up, the leading hitter of the
prison team took a vicious swing and sent the ball zooming into the far
reaches of the outfield.  He rounded first.  He rounded second.  He
rounded third.  He headed for home.  They finally caught him between
third base and the border.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 After an itinerant backwoods preacher had delivered a hell-and -brimstone sermon, he demanded of Deacon Swarter, "Do you love your neighbor?"
 "I try to," replied the deacon earnestly, "but she won't let me."

 A lady told her new maid, "I declare, I can write my full name
in the dust you've left on this piano."
 "Bless my soul," answered the maid with delight. "It's sure
nice to be working for a lady with education!"

 A sergeant looked over a squad of particularly inept draftees
and confessed, "I'm damned if I know what to do with you clumsy goons."
 One of them piped up hopefully, "There's a big shade tree over
there, Sarge."
 "Yeah, I know," nodded the sergeant, "but I don't have any rope
with me."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 I had a great vacation in Italy. Rome took my breath away.
Venice was grand. And Florence....oh, Florence....she took me for five
hundred dollars' worth of traveler's checks!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 The cab arrived at the hotel. Getting out, the new bride asked
her husband, "What can we do to hide the fact that we've just been
married?"
 The groom said, "You carry the luggage!"

 The newlyweds could hardly wait to get to their room. Both tore
off their clothes. The groom puffed out his chest and said, "A hundred
eighty pounds of dynamite."
 The bride said, "It's the fuse that worries me!"

 You know the honeymoon's over when the husband calls home to say
that he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine explains that
it's in the refrigerator!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"What kind of girl does a hamburger go for?"
"Any girl named Patty."

"What opera is about hamburgers?"
"The Barbecue of Seville."

"What dance does a hamburger love?"
        "The char-char."

"Why are hamburgers better than hot dogs?"
"Because hot dogs are the wurst."

"What is a hamburger's favorite story?"
"Hansel and Gristle."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 Mrs. Abercrombie was unhappy with the way Elena the maid
cleaned. Finding a layer of dust on the dining room table, she started
to chew out the maid. Elena said, "I'm a better cook than you. I clean
house better than you."
 "Who told you that?"
 "Mr. Abercrombie. I'm better in bed than you too."
 Mrs. Abercrombie sneered and said, "I suppose my husband told
you that too."
 "No. The gardener!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 During the filming of a shoestring production in a Kansas town,
the director dreamed up a method for getting a realistic street fight at
virtually no expense. "See that couple coming down the avenue?" he
asked the leading man. "Go up and insult his wife. When her husband
winds up to sock you, we'll start the camera rolling."
 As instructed, the actor accosted the husband, demanding, "Is
this dame your wife?"
 "She certainly is," bristled the man. "Why?"
 "Because," sneered the actor, "she's about the homeliest dish
I've ever laid eyes on."
 This was the moment when the husband turned to his wife and
exulted, "See? What did I tell you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A woman telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How
long does it take to fly to San Francisco?
  "Just a minute," said the man who answered.
  "Thank you," said the woman and she hung up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The reason the dog is known as man's best friend is probably because he
gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no In-Laws.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can tell a freshman,
  by his slaphappy look.
You can tell a sophomore,
  because he carries a comic book.
You can tell a junior,
  by his debonairness and such.
You can tell a senior,
  but you can't tell him much.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This is a simplified job application form

NAME:_____________________________________ DATE:______________________
         LAST       FIRST      MIDDLE
ADDRESS:_____________________________________________________________
                    [ ] Mobile home     [ ] Double Wide
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NAME OF MOTHER:__________________NAME OF FATHER_______________________
-
RELATIONSHIP OF PARENTS:   [ ] Brother and Sister
                           [ ] First Cousins
                           [ ] Fauther and Daughter
-
MAKE OF PICKUP TRUCK:_____________________MODEL YEAR: 196__
-
MARITAL STATUS: [ ] Married to first cousin on[ ]Mother's[ ]Father's side
     [ ] Unmarried
-
NUMBER OF NORMAL CHILDREN:_______(if any)
-
LIST APPROXIMATE ANNUAL INCOME AND INDICATE SOURCE:
               $_______________ Wife's Job
               $_______________ Mother's Job
               $_______________ Part time Security Guard
-
POUNDS OVER WEIGHT:  { } 25  { } 50  { } 75  { } 100+
            SPOUSE:  [ ] 25  [ ] 50  [ ] 75  [ ] 100+
          CHILDREN:  [ ] 25  [ ] 50  [ ] 75  [ ] 100+
-
CHECK ALL MACHINES YOU CAN RUN BY YOURSELF: [ ] TV  [ ] pickup
[ ] gun rack  [ ] bowling ball  [ ] 8 track player
-
CHECK FOODS YOU LIKE BEST: [ ] white bread  [ ] mayonaise  [ ] gizzards
[ ] chicken fried steak  [ ] grits
-
WORK EXPERIENCE: [ ] Car Wash  [ ] Advertising  [ ] Clown  [ ]Excavation
Specialist  [ ] Paper Route
-
CHECK HIGHEST EDUCATION LEVEL: [ ] K-3  [ ] 3-6  [ ] 7  [ ] some 8
-
SIGNATURE (do the best you can):_______________________________________
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What does the Gingerbread Boy have on his bed?
    Cookie sheets.

Did you hear about the guy who was so unlucky he got a paper cut from a Get Well Card?

Where do lawyers live?
   In legal pads.

What newspaper do cows read?
   The Daily Moos.

What did Bill Clinton get his wife for Christmas?
   Not flowers!

If the politically correct term for a short person is vertically 
challenged, is an overweight person horizontally gifted?

How do you keep a dog quiet?
   Feed him hushpuppies.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The prosecution and defense had both presented their final
arguments in a case involving a Kentucky moonshiner.
  The judge turned to the jury and asked:  "Before giving you your
instructions, do any of you have any questions?
  "Yes, Your Honor," replied one of the jurors.  "Did the
defendant boil the malt one or two hours, does he cool it quickly, and
at what point does he add the yeast?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A minister preached a very short sermon.  He explained, "My dog
got into my office and chewed up some of my notes."
  At the close of the service a visitor asked, "If your dog ever
has pups, please let my pastor have one of them."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man entered a barbershop and asked for a shave.  After the
shave, the barber said, "That will be ten cents, please."
  "But," said the man, "your sign says $1.25 for a shave.  How
come only ten cents?"
  The barber answered, "Once in a awhile we get a guy that is all
mouth and we only charge him a dime!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Just before a drafted farm boy made his first parachute jump,
his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord.
If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute.  After
you land, our truck will pick you up."
  The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped.  He counted to
ten, and pulled the first cord.  Nothing happened.  He pulled the second
cord.  Again, nothing happened. As he careened crazily earthward, he
said to himself:  "Now I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
               IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL USERS
 
Christmas and the holidays are over.  The old year has past
and we can look forward to a new year.  The future has much
in store for us both in the way of new problems and new
blessings.  This January is a good time for all of us to
look back and take note of our cherished and historic past
and of the greats who have helped to shape our past and
make our country what it is today.
 
May I be the first to wish you all a happy Millard
Fillmore's Birthday.  Perhaps it is a sign of our busy
times but I was saddened to see that Millard Fillmore's
name was omitted from the pages of the new St. Joseph's
Calendar and Almanac.  It is understandable that his name
should be overshadowed by such greats as Franklin Pierce,
James Garfield, James Polk, John Tyler, Warren Harding, and
Gerald Ford.  Yet it should not be said that Fillmore did
not have coals of greatness smoldering within his breast.

Millard Fillmore, if he had not died in 1894, would have
been 194 years old this January seventh.  He was the 13th
president of the United States and he won his way to high
office through his own integrity, zeal, honesty, and the
death of the incumbent.  Fillmore was a man of strong
convictions, a man who did not yield to the popular
conventions of his time.  In a time when the abolitionist
movement was growing, he enforced the Fugitive Slave Laws.
In a time of western growth, he stood for deporting the
Chinese and the Irish.  In a time of rural and frontier
living, he was a most elegant dresser.  Fillmore was given
the title of "Best Dressed President of the United States".
His most daring flaunting of conventions was when he
installed flush toilets in the White house.  In a time of
the "little room out back" it was not thought proper by many
to do indoors what nature intended man to do out.

Fillmore, perhaps not the best of presidents, did not
irreparable harm.  He did not bankrupt the country, raise
taxes, get us into any unpopular wars, sell arms to enemies,
devalue the dollar, promote Central American revolutions,
encourage inflations or recessions, or for that
matter even have any notable scandals while holding high
office.  Surely he should at least deserve a mention in a
calendar Almanac.

Christmas and the old year are past, and we have a new and
bright glowing future to look forward to.  Yet surely, we
can take a moment to look back on to our countries grand
past and Millard Fillmore.
 
Please note, that in keeping with tradition, all Federal
offices will remain open in remembrance of January 7th,
Millard Fillmore's Birthday.


Bill (I really wrote this) Eagle, St. Helens, OR.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would like, first of all, to make sure that everyone reading this
realizes that, as the subject states, it is absolutely true. It is
regarding a friend of mine by the name of Jarvis.

Now, Jarvis is a nice enough guy, funny, interesting, generous to a
fault. He just has a few, relatively small problems. One of which is his
laugh, which sounds like an asthmatic donkey with sinus trouble, and
another is his tendency to be in the wrong place at the wrong time,
doing the wrong thing to the wrong object.

To illustrate:

One day, Jarvis was working in a local community workshop, painting his
latest pride and joy, a go-cart (Jarvis fancies himself a master metal
worker ).

And as I'm sure you all will realize, a high-pressure paint sprayer will
do a lot for you, except open the can of paint and pour the contents
into it's tank. So this was the project Jarvis had set for himself, and,
paint can and screwdriver in hand, he began to work at it.

Now please picture if you will, Jarvis ( 5'8" Dark hair Denim Jacket )
kneeling down in front of his can of paint, prying on the top with his
handy-and-never-far-away screwdriver.

Further, imagine (contrary to common sense) that he was performing his
prying in such a way as to have the screwdriver pointed TOWARDS himself.

I know what you're thinking. You think, "Oh no, this fool is going to
stab himself in the chest with the screwdriver!!". Close, my friends,
but no cigar.

Rather, again, despite all common sense, Jarvis was also prying in such
a way as to have the screwdriver pointed UP.

And, as I'm sure you're now all aware, Jarvis' screwdriver, driven by
all the strength he could muster, slipped.

And, as I'm sure NONE of you would have guessed, the action of slipping
sent the screwdriver UP-HIS-NOSE!!!!!

Picture if you will, gentle reader, this poor man, a look of Shock! and
Surprise! on his face,a trickle of blood on his cheek, and a screwdriver
up his nose.

However, be assured that Jarvis remained relatively unhurt. He had
punctured one sinus only, and that healed in short time.

And if you have trouble believing that story, wait until Part II.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex"

At the ripe old age of forty, Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent)
is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a
serious matter. The species itself is in danger!
  An unwed Superman is a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that
those who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for
his condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.
  Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems.
  Granted that the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is
an orphan, a refugee, and an alien. His homeland no longer exists in any
form, save for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored
rocks.
  As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an
adequate father-figure. What human could control his anti-social
behavior? What human would dare try to punish him? His actual, highly
social behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.
  What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn
between his human ad kryptonian identities, he chose to be both, keeping
his split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is
evident in his defense of his "secret identity".
  But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite
real.
  The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to
being a kryptonian among juman beings, and to suggest possible
solutions. The kryptonian humaniod must not be allowed to go the way of
the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.

                                   -1-

What turns on a kryptonian?
  Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humaniod frame is
doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of
Australia resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specifec niche in the
ecology calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities,
certain eating habits.
  Be not decieved by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo
sapiens.
  What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some
subtle mating cue at appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois
Lane probably doesn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong,
less like a kryptonian woman that like a terrestrial monkey. A mating
between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy-and would be, of
course, by church and common law.

                                -2-

Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman, designated LL for
convenience.
  Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be
Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a damn.
Forty years is a long time. For superman is has been even longer. He has
X-ray vision; he knows just what he's missing.*
  The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women
during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of
pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.
  Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in
hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his
arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?

* One should not think of Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological
ability must be used. As a child Superman may never kave known that
things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision. If
millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the
weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Many years from now I will be in Eastern Pennsylvania trying to 
jumpstart my ole pickup by hooking it to the overhead electrical lines 
for the railroad (DC is DC, right?).  But, by mistake I will wire it 
positive to negative and vice versa, while having the Best of Country 
2002 playing on my CD player.  After 2700 volts went through the truck 
backwards, including the CD player, I have the following problems:

1.  My ex-wife thinks we're newlyweds, but she does look damn good again.
2.  My girlfriend is in sixth grade.
3.  My classic pickup is just another new truck.
4.  My old gentle sway-back mare is an unbroken filly.
5.  Clinton is president again.
6.  Bob Johnstone is the moderator of HUMOR.

There some advantages though:

1.  I am ten years ahead on child support.
2.  I know enough to bet against the Buffalo Bills in the next eleven
    Super Bowls.  BTW, restraurants will be required to display a picture
    of a red buffalo above instructions for the Heinlich Maneuver.
3.  The son of a bitch who will be my supervisor just got grounded for
    six months when I told his parents what he did while they left him at
    home during their vacation.
4.  I have fifteen years of Usenet Oricle knowledge.
5.  I just bought the rights to the Beavis and Butthead Flamethrowers
    and Incendiary Grenades, which will be the most popular retrospective
    X-mas toys of 2002, along with pet rocks.
6.  I know not to buy a HAL 2000 since it will be obsolete by 2002 when
    Intel announces its Sequicentenium chip which performs the Vulcan
    mind-meld with the user.
7.  I know what Stan Kneppar will get for his 110th birthday (lucky dog, 
    she will be built like a titanium outhouse.)
8.  I know what medical advances will be made.  Hello Fritos, brewskis,
    cheeseburgers, and cigarettes.  Goodbye exercise, moderation, safe
    sex, calorie counting and Hillary's Health Plan.
9.  But best of all, Rush is on the radio instead of in the White House.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the
merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye.  For
some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to
have it.  So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor. "How
much for this?", he asks. "I'd think twice about getting that if I
were you.  Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next
day to return it,"  says the proprietor.  "Why?" asks the man.
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of
it." The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase
the item.  He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home.
As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind
him.  Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the
alley. "That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.
A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3
dozen rats following him!  He begins to break into a trot. Next time
he turns around, there are 200 rats!  Now he's running as fast as he
can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer
and looks over his shoulder... Thousands of rats, as far as the eye
can see, are marching behind him!  Now he begins to panic.  He looks
at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on.  He
changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront.  When
he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water.
Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day,
the man returns to the antique shop.  The owner is astonished to find
him empty-handed. "You didn't bring it back??" he inquires. "No, I've
got just one question. Do you have one which is shaped like a lawyer?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man moves from Detroit up to Alaska, and he was a having a 
particularly difficult time making friends. So, one day he decided to 
go up to the local bar, and try talking to people. After 3 hours of 
being unsuccesful, he finally stood up in the bar and pounded on the 
table and said "What do I have to do to talk to your people, I have 
been a fine member of the community for 3 months and no one will talk 
to me, what do I have to do to gain your respect?"
A moment of silence passed and a large eskimo stood up and said "You 
must take the Trials of Manhood:
1st you must drink 1/5 of striaght Vodka.
2nd You must make love to a woman in the snow.
and 3rd You must kill a polar bear with you bare hands.
The man waits for a second, and says "OK, if that is what it takes... 
Bartender give me my 1/5 of Vodka" He slams it down and staggers out 
of the bar. He comes back 2 hours later dripping with blood, and looks 
the large Eskimo straight in the eye and says "OK, now where is that 
woman I have to kill?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   A teacher was teaching about pre-WWI russia, and was explaining about
the royal family.
   "The king was called a Czar," he said "and the queen was called the
Czarina. Now, can anybody tell me what the children were called?"
   Suddenly from the back of the room, a voice cryed out "Czardines!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
o Rush presented a list of celebrity New Year's Resolutions:

- Pee Wee Herman would rent movies from now on

- Ted Kennedy would push for a "capital veins reduction" after
seeing his face on TV

- Mario Cuomo hadn't yet decided on any resolutions yet

- Patricia Ireland would end discrimination, especially in her
bedroom, by sleeping with both her husband and lesbian lover at
the same time

- Michael Jackson would "lighten up a little more"

- Saddam Hussein would not make George Bush mad anymore

- Margo Kidder would have a sex-change operation and finally
become a woman

- Ted Turner would get his pants back from Jane

- Mikhail Gorbachev would get his pants back from Yeltsin

- Molly Yard would get Patricia Ireland's home phone number so
that she "can join in the fun"

- Alan Cranston would start breathing again

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clinton and Algore singing their version of "Yesterday":


<<Clinton>> Yesterday, all my troubles started with the gays.

<<Clinton and Algore>> Oh, we believe in yesterdays.

<<Clinton>> Suddenly, the media, ah heck, they're all over me.

<<Algore>> Maybe it was just Hillary, or it could've been that
haircut?

<<Clinton>> Oh, our polls fail so suddenly. I shouldn't have
listened to Hillary.

<<Algore>> I . . . wish . . . that she would go . . .

<<Clinton>> I don't know, guess she'll have to stay.

<<Algore>> Cause if, you know, something else goes wrong . . .

<<Clinton>> Hey, Hillary, she'll take the blame.

<<Clinton and Algore laugh>>

<<Clinton>> Yesterday, all my troubles started with the gays.

<<Algore>> You're right, Mr. President

<<Clinton>> How I wish I had another 100 days . . .

<<Algore>> Or more!

<<Clinton and Algore>> Oh, we believe in yesterdays.

<<Clinton>> I'm glad it's not election day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The trailer for last summer's blockbuster movie:

<<Speilbergesque music plays in the background as Announcer
speaks>> This summer you can take your family to the only place
on Earth where living fossils roam in their natural environment.
Congressional House Pictures presents Stephen Spenberg's
"Geriatric Park."

<<Father>> Get back here, Billy, it's two o'clock! Senator
Metzenbaum could wake up at any minute!

<<Announcer>> Scientists have cloned the cells of New Deal
Democrats, and despite their harmless appearance, they can be
extremely dangerous.

<<Terrified Man>> Oh my god! Tom Foley is coming toward me! What
do I do?

<<Friend>> Don't worry, they never "attax" you when you stand
totally still. Stare into his eyes and hand him your checkbook.

<<Announcer>> Geriatric Park, where disaster awaits at every
corner.

<<Friend>> Hey, Jerry, where the heck is your wife?

<<Jerry, crying>> She fell into the entitlements tar pits.

<<Friend>> Oh, geez, at least the government will cover those
funeral expenses, huh?

<<Jerry, brightening up>> Oh, good point!

<<Announcer>> Geriatric Park, home of the frightening Barney
Frankus Liberalus <<horrific roar>>, the Carol Moseley
Brauntosaurus <<a cross between howl and roar>>, and who can
forget their leader and granddaddy of them all . . .

<<Jerry>> What the heck is that?

<<Friend>> Oh my god, it's the Arkansaraus Taxanspendus!
Aauuugggghh!

<<Announcer>> Geriatric Park, because no matter how many years
pass, some things always stay the same! Coming soon to a theater
near you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next, an ad for a more recent movie:

<<Crowd of shouting protestors>> Free Willy! Free Willy! Free
Willy! Free Willy!

<<Announcer>> Capitol Hill pictures presents the heart-warming
story of the product of an oppressive society . . .

<<Soft-spoken Willy supporter, probably a psychiatrist>> It
wasn't his fault, it was just too much violence in the media.

<<Announcer>> Free Willy . . . Horton!

<<Professorial liberal type>> The fault has to lie squarely on
Reagan and Bush.

<<Announcer>> Hear the expert testimony of psychiatrists and
social workers.

<<Dedicated social worker>> A few billion dollars more in social
programs, and we could have saved him.

<<Announcer>> Free Willy Horton . . . where a psychopathic
murderer is unfairly portrayed as a psychopathic murderer by a
gang of unscrupulous Republicans. Free Willy Horton . . .

<<Crowd>> Free Willy! Free Willy! Free Willy! Free Willy!

<<Announcer>> Free Willy Horton . . . the nightmare continues,
coming soon to a theater near you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
LAMER TEST !

Score one point for every question that you can answer yes to or 
describes you.

Score a point if you:

 1. Are not sure if you want to be one or not.
 2. Don't know what one is.
 3. Think you are a hacker because you wear I.B.M clothing.
 4. Don't hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete right NOW!
 5. Fell for that last one.
 6. Are afraid of downloading because you don't want to get sick.
 7. Didn't understand that last one.
 8. Think A Local BUS is some kind of public transportation serving your 
    area.
 9. Are afraid to hit the wrong key.
10. Pronounce WYSIWYG with more than 3 salables.
11. Don't know what WYSIWYG Stands for.
12. Cover your mouth and point at the screen when someone writes a 
    profantic message.
13. Are impressed by wire frame graphics that you didn't write yourself.
14. Are STILL impressed by hi ANSI.
15. Don't send all your money to ME!
16. Sent all your money to me.
17. Felt that was not fair.
18. Didn't download Wolf-3D because it is rated PC-13 and you were
    under 13.
19. Are not constantly harassed by people 2 times your weight and 4 
    sevenths your I.Q.
20. Think hackers break government and military codes all day.
21. Have not seen over 400 episodes of Star Trek The Next Generation.
22. Have seen over 40 episodes of Star Trek The Original Series.
23. Have more than 7 non-directory, non-hidden and non system-files in 
    your root directory.
24. Have not mastered the fine art of the DOS-Batch language.
25. Don't know what Batch is.
26. Have not modified your AUTOEXEC.BAT or CONFIG.SYS this week.
27. Think pirating ShareWare is immoral.
28. Would not buy a Gravis Ultrasound over any other sound card if you 
    were buying a soundcard.
29. Can't change directories yet.
30. Are exited because you can get Wolf-3D shareware version for less 
    than 5 bucks.
31. Know less than 2 meanings of PCMCIA.
32. Know less that one meaning of PCMCIA.
33. Are exited about having a high score right now.

Score.
0        Me!
1-2      A Hacker!
3-5      You Know Your Stuff!
6-9      Computer Wiz!
10-14    You Need a Life!
15-20    You go BBSing or Hang out with hackers.
21+      Lamer!!!
33       Normal Person!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar.  "What
kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"
"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"
"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.
"Just watch," says Bob.  He takes a newspaper off the bar and
throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says,
"Crunchy Bird, my paper!"  The bird swoops down and attacks the
newspaper.  He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but
tiny pieces of confetti.
"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"
"Be my guest," the bartender replies.
The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and
says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!"  The bird flies down off the perch
and picks the shoe up with his beak.  He slams the shoe down on the
bar and starts attacking it.  In no time, the shoe is reduced to
nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace.  Then the bird
flies back to his perch behind the bar.
Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar.  He yells,
"Gimme a drink NOW!"  He looks around the bar snarling and yells at
the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?"  The bar is
completely silent.  Then the bully notices the bird and says, "what
the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"
"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.
The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my eye!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Since I learn almost everything by making mistakes, I thought some
     of you might avoid a little grief if I listed a few of them:

 1.  When you spill coffee on a floppy disk, the drive does not
     serve as a "spin-dry" cycle

 2.  After hooking a monochrome monitor into a rgb output video card,
     the firemen make rude comments about not thinking

 3.  You get flamed on an echo if your post to someone started with
     "Hey look, bonehead"

 4.  Liquid spilled into a keyboard never does "dry up" as quickly
     as you think it should

 5.  The only files you will ever want of an out-of-state bulletin
     board are files all over 2 megabytes long, in 6 parts.

 6.  Locking the keyboard out then losing the key on a Saturday night
     means no computer until Monday morning

 7.  Setting a password in your CMOS then forgetting it will cause
     many hours of panicky misery when you reboot

 8.  Most hard disks don't survive falls off of the tabletop

 9.  Printers don't work too well if you forget to plug them into
     the computer - spent 4 hours learning this maxim

10.  When you tell a client that a particular piece of equipment
     doesn't do something, the revised version that does always hits
     the streets 2 weeks before you say it

11.  Actually reading the manual only leads to confusion

12.  While computers now have viruses, floppy disks don't actually get
     cold sores, that's a cigarette burn on the media

13.  While you don't want to forget an important diskette for a client,
     putting it on the refrigerator with a magnet is not a good place

14.  Never schedule a backup to coincide with a major power failure

15.  When the lights in the house go very dim, it's because your
     computer is about to burn up - the same firemen get rude again

16.  Frequently re-used floppies can get a waxy label build-up

17.  The larger your hard disk, the more software you will buy

18.  No matter how fast your modem is, it's slow

19.  There is no such thing as screen colors that are "easy on the
     eyes"

20.  Installation is easy, setup is moderately difficult, but tweaking
     to highest performance takes a lifetime

21.  The warranty always DOES run out the day before

22.  When you unpack a new piece of equipment to test it before
     delivery to a customer, it NEVER fits back into the box like
     it came out

23.  If we all spoke Taiwanese, Chinese and Korean, schematics and docs
     would be easier to understand

24.  Always, always write down which pins the red and black wires came
     off of when you took it apart

25.  Always save all the parts left over after putting computer back
     together.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A hot dog vendor on the corner selling dogs is approached by a 
customer. He asks for one hot dog. With that the vendor reaches in 
with his bare hands and takes a dog out and throws it on a bun. The 
vendor asks if he would like mustard. The customer says yes. The 
vendor dips his finger into the mustard and wipes it on the dog. The 
vendor asks if he would like relish and the customer says yes. The 
vendor grabs a glob of relish out with his hand and throws it on the 
dog and proceeds to wipe his hands clean on his already dirty apron. 
All of a sudden the customer pulls out a badge and identifies himself 
as a Board of Health Inspector. He says "I'm sorry sir but you are 
closed down for unsanitary reasons." The vendor pleads with the 
inspector and promises to "clean up my act." The inspector agrees and 
tells the vendor he will stop in another time un-announced. About a 
month goes by and the inspector walks up to the vendor and orders a 
dog. The vendor reaches into the dogs with a tong and puts the dog on 
a bun. The vendor asks if he would like mustard and he replies yes. 
The vendor dips the tongs into the mustard and puts it on the dog. He 
asks if he would like relish and he replies yes. You guessed it he 
uses the tongs for that also. The inspector is very impressed with 
this and looks around and sees that the cart and the vendor are very 
clean so he informs the vendor that he has passed the inspection. 
However while looking around the inspector noticed that the vendor has 
a string hanging from inside his pants and out of his zipper. He asks 
the vendor what the string is for. The vendor replies "I'm so clean 
now that when i go to the bathroom i don't even touch myself, I just 
pull it out with the string. Well the inspector thinks for a minute 
and asks"how do you get it back into your pants?"........  I USE THE TONGS!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's Against The Law

It's against the law in Portland, Oregon for a wedding ceremony to be
performed at a skating rink.

It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM in Memphis, Tennessee.

No one is permitted to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket in 
Lexington, Kentucky.

It's against the law to sing off key in North Carolina.

In Wilbur, Washington it's illegal to ride an ugly horse.

It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland,
Maine.

In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a 
swimming pool.

A Texas law says that when two trains meet at a railroad crossing, both 
must come to a stop.  Then neither train may continue until the other one
is out of sight.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                  NEWS ITEMS

FROZEN ASSETS?

     A caretaker, wanting to keep the deceased owners pension checks 
coming in, stuffed his body in the freezer after he died.. The checks 
kept arriving for two more years, but there is an ending to all good 
things. Deborah Josh, 42 of Kissimmee (KISSME ?) Florida was arrested and
charged with a misdeameanor and failing to report a death. The 82 year 
owner had died of natural causes. 

AN AMERICAN FREEDOM ENTERPRISE

     No longer will you have to spend time in jail before your trial.
That is, if you have the right insurance. In Houston, Texas, about 400
city employes have signed up for a $10 a month paycheck deduction for
bail bond insurance. This means, if you or your relatives get arrested,
the insurance will pay your bail with a 50% savings to you. Wonder, if
in the years to come this will be a U.S. mandentory deduction for 
EVERYONE?

NEED A LITTLE MONEY FOR THE WEEKEND?

     Those in Southern California who are a little short for cash rob 
banks. In fact, in 1990, 2,355 folks who were a little strapped for cash 
decided to go to their banker. Bankers can buy/sell junk bonds and do 
lots of other fraudulant things but they get annoyed when some upstart 
outsider asks a teller for an immediate withdrawal. 1991 statistics are 
not complete, the FBI is still counting banks, but it is expected to 
exceed the 1990 figure. 

YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     Is this the ultimate practical joke? You, the victim, sit on this
cushion. .......A false hand rises between your legs. Yikes!!!!. Can
be purchased from the San Francisco House of Magic.

THE CHURCH IS ON FIRE? HOLY SMOKE!

     Nope! But in Larkspur, the Firehouse Bar-B-Que restaurant was. 
Didn't bother the diners. They took their ribs outside and watched as 
real firemen poured water on the real fire. Maybe now the restaurant can
advertise "authentic smoked ribs".

'GETUP' WINS!

     Got his butt tickled with a feather and vaulted 19 feet eleven 
inches. We're talking about the annual Mark Twain Angels Camp frog 
jumping contest. "GETUP" took first place. Second place went to BORN FREE 
who leaped 19 feet 5 inches and WACKY WART came in third with a 19' 4" 
jump. The record was a jump made by ROSIE THE RIBETER of 21' 5 1/2" back 
in 1986. Thousands flock here to see this annual contest.

NOW THEY WANT TO BAN HANSEL AND GRETEL

     Two practicing witches have asked the Mount Diablo District School
Board to ban Hansel and Gretel because, "It degrades witches and suggests
it is all right to kill them."
     "Witches don't eat children and we don't have long noses with warts
and we don't wear conical hats," according to witch Karlyn Straganana,
high priestess of the Oak Haven Coven.

PETS #1

     Taking doggie or kitty sailing? You can now buy them sailing
jackets called Aquapet. Cost? About $40. Can order them from Sausalito.
Wonder if they can fit up my gopher snake?

PETS #2

     Actor Bill Hickey closed a broadway show. Said he just couldn't
act after the recent death of a family member. ...His dog.

LET'S ALL CELEBRATE...

     It's National Lingerie Week. You can buy her a gold laced bra
for only $78. Or how about a silk robe for $300. You can get them at
the Lingerie Shop in Larkspur.....or save the bread and go bowling.

AN ABSOLUTE RENEGADE

     In Salinas, David Alcon won't wear his motorcycle helmet. Has been
cited 20 times and can paying up to $200 for each conviction. Even rode
home from court...without his helmet.  Speaking of helmets...never ask a
motorcycle cop, "Who put that bowling ball on your head."

LONG AGO IN HISTORY

     In the year 584, in Lyons, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 
representing other bishops held a most peculiar debate. ARE WOMEN HUMAN? 
After many lengthy arguments, a vote was taken. The results were 32 yes, 
31 no. Women were declared human by one vote.

A SHITLOAD

     Pidgeons and other birds can drop their loads and if you are in the
wrong spot at the right time, you get it. BUT, FROM A JUMBO JET! That's 
what happened to the Dolan family in Foster City, Calif. BAM! A big turd 
from the sky.  Big frozen chunks of weird blue material with brown 
speckles. They started to melt and ooze. It was quickly collected and put 
in plastic bags as evidence. But to find the culpert will be hard...The 
Dolan house is in the airport landing pattern with planes flying overhead 
every few minutes.
 
I LIKE SMILEYS TOO

     But this doctor is getting hell in that blue-nose city of 
Cincinnati. Seems that during surgery the doctor draws a smiley on a 
penis. Probably, the patient awakens, sees it and has his first real 
smile, forgetting his pain. Who's complaining? Guess it has to be some 
bible slappers on the medical staff. So far, the patients haven't 
complained.

BE A BUM...GET RICH!

     A street person named Richard Kreimer loved books. But he smelled
and disturbed others at the public library. Now, Richard Kreimer is 
$250,000 richer because he won a suit claiming harrassment in the library 
as well as harrassment by the police. It happened in Morristown, New 
jersey.

YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS REALLY PISSED AT YOU

     Edward Desmond in Boston opened a box he received in the mail. It 
contained a severed lambs head. Desmond had cooperated with the 
government regarding a six million dollar theft of computer boards. Roger 
Cox, Edmond's lawyer says, "Someone doesn't want him cooperating with the
government any further." 

A FUCKED DUCK?

     In San Antonio, Texas a bank refused a customer a loan. The guy took
all of his clothes off, sat naked in the V.P.'s office and started 
quacking like a duck. Police came and took him to the gooney farm. Bank 
officials would not say why his loan was rejected. Maybe he couldn't 
afford his BILL.....Yuk! Yuk! Yuk!

RUBBER CHECKS BOUNCING HIGHER

     Recession squeezed Americans are bouncing more checks, increasing 
33% from 1988 to 1990. The stats: 482 million bad checks for the amount 
of 14-billion bucks.

RETIRES AFTER SHOOTING AND KILLING 5 ROBBERS

     He should have gotten more publicity and a medal. Lance Thomas, a 
Los Angeles watchmaker, has shot and killed 5 robbers since 1989 who 
attempted to hold up his store. He was been wounded 5 times himself but 
vowed he would never let the criminals get the upper hand. Says he feels 
no remorse for the lives he has claimed. The trouble really started when 
his store started to carry Rolexes. Some have claimed him a hero, others 
call him a vigilante.

HEY BIG BOOBS!

     In Petaluma, Tawnye Brawdy, now a high school student, said when she
was in the eighth grade boys repeatedly taunted her, yelling  "moo-moo",
and made blunt and vulgar reference to the size of her breasts and her
anatomy. Sued for sexual harrasment, got $20,000.

GLITZ ALL OF THE WAY

     In Las Vegas, a pricey shopping center will open with a Roman theme.
The Roman streetscape includes ornate fountains, statues and arches that
stand four stories tall. Cost over a 100-million to build. A main 
attraction will be a 5-million dollar fountain that comes to life twice 
an hour with animatronic robots, lasers, animated graphics, projections 
and dancing waters. Do they also support a vomitorium?


HE IGNORED ME - WOULDN'T SPEAK TO ME

     Of course not. He'd been dead for two months, just lying on the 
kitchen floor. Thomas Warren, of Key West, Florida was admitted for 
psychiatric observation after the discovery was made. Police said alcohol 
abuse probably caused the room mates death. Maybe the guy was so pickled 
he never started to smell as he decomposed?

ANTI-SMOKERS, HOW ABOUT THIS?

     It's the worlds biggest cigar. 5 feet long, weighs 20 pounds and
the guess is that it can be smoked for about 120 hours.

FONE FUN

     Suppose you got a phone call like this: "Hello! (infers he is the 
phone company representative) Your telephone company is erronously 
running up big bills. We cannot locate the trouble. To stop this, you 
must cut your telephone cord and smash your phone."..........Two people 
fell victim for this hoax. Happened in Germany.

MA'AM...PLEASE WATCH YOUR CHILD

     If you don't watch your child, the police could come. In this case,
three police cars and a motorcycle officer roared in using Code 3. Little
3 year old junior was in a jewelry store, toddled behind a counter and 
hit the robbery alarm. Happened in Corte Madera. 

BUGS IN YOU EARS...EEESH!

     Do you think of the EARwig? Wrong!..It is the cockroach. And, they 
crawl in your ears when you are asleep. In Los Angeles, at the UCLA 
Medical Center, they have discovered almost 50% of foreign bodies 
extracted from ears are cockroaches.....Eeesh!

A REAL CAT HOUSE

     In Los Angeles, Francine Katzenbogen loves cats. She owns twenty. 
She is also wealthy. On her property she has built a six room feline 
palace to keep the kittys comfee. Kittys may now enjoy French windows and 
lounging platforms. The cost? About one hundred thousand dollars.

WHOA BOY! WHOA!

     If it had been a movie, audiences, no doubt, would have roared with
laughter. Robert Drazich, of Butte Montana, didn't think is was funny at
the time. Robert is a quadriplegic and his electric wheel chair went 
beserk. Wheeled to the door to let his cat in and all hell broke loose. 
The chair started spinning in fast circles finally throwing him out. The
chair was subdued by friends who cut the battery cable with a pair of 
wire clippers. Of course, lawyers are on the job.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
SEVEN STAGES OF MAN 

1.  Spills

2.  Drills 

3.  Thrills 

4.  Bills 

5.  Ills 

6.  Pills 

7.  Wills
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                 BARNEY EPISODES WE'D LIKE TO SEE
                        (BUT PROBABLY WON'T!)

"barney gets a boner"
"barney's night with madonna"
"barney, beavis & butthead"
"jurassic barney"
"barney talks to the authorities about missing children"
"barney gets the lab results on those green spots"
"barney buys a rubber"
"barney barbeques the backyard gang"
"picking up the dino-doo"
"bopping baby bop"
"barney's favorite sailor songs"
"barney comes out of the closet"
"barney meets godzilla"
"barney on a bender"
"barney has needs..."
"barney at betty ford"
"barney admits eating all the adults"
"barney's big purple one"
"barney buys a blow-up doll"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                    THE ARMY'S DEFINITION OF A COW

A cow is a completely automated milk manufacturing machine.

It's encased in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical
moveable supports, one on each corner.

The front end contains: the cutting and grinding mechanism, as
well as, light sensors, air inlet and exhaust, bumper and a fog
horn.

The rear end contains: the dispensing apparatus and automatic fly
swatter.

The central section houses an hydro-chemical conversion plant.
this consists of four fermentation and storage tanks, an inte-
grated network, which is connected to the rear dispensing unit.

In brief the extremely visible features are;

2 lookers, 2 hookers, 4 stander-uppers, 4 hanger-downers and a
swissy-wissy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN WHEN:

Even a 4 year old can tear the phone book.
You turn on your oven, & the street lights dim.
Everyone reads the newspaper to see if the reporter got it right.
the water tower is made by Dixie Cup
the "Welcome To" and "Thanks For Visiting" signs are mounted on the
same pole everybodies phone number has only 1 digit
the only traffic light in town is at a cattle crossing
this years United Way drive netted a record $1.75 in contributions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
         100 WAYS TO AVOID DYING
          AMERICAN FOLKLORE
            PART III

41. Never turn a loaf of bread upside down.

42. Sleeping with your head at the foot of the bed
    is surely fatal.

43. Don't sing in bed.

44. If you hear a dog howl at night, reach under the
    bed and turn over a shoe.

45. Don't count stars.

46. A man should never dream of a naked woman; a woman
    should never dream of a naked man.

47. Never rub soap on your skin on Friday.

48. Don't look into a mirror over another's shoulder.

49. Avoid combing your hair after dark.

50. Absolutely no haircuts in March.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"They call him `Peanut Brittle.'"
"Why?"
"Because he's half nuts!"

They call her Venus de Milo because she's not all there!

"What's the matter with your brother?"
"He lost his wife and he's going crazy."
"Is he going to get married again?
"No, he's not that crazy!"

"Does he suffer from insanity?"
"No, he enjoys every minute of it!"

Two stockbrokers met in a cafe.  Ordering drinks, one said,
"Let's not talk shop tonight.  Let's talk about women."
The other stockbroker said, "Fine.  Common or preferred?"

"I used to be bullish, then I was bearish.  Now I'm brokish!"

A stockbroker called a client and said, "Procter & Gamble split today."
The client said, "It's a shame.  They've been together so long!"

If money is the root of all evil, then the stock market must be the 
Roto-Rooter!

Tom has a lot of "Sweet chariot" stocks.  The minute he buys them, they 
swing low!

        As they left the auditorium after a two-hour lecture on
nineteenth-century English poets, the wife exclaimed, "Didn't it make
your mind soar?"
        "Yes," her husband agreed grimly, "and my backside, too!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young pupil asked the teacher, "What did I learn today?"
The teacher said, "That's an odd question."
The young pupil said, "Yup, but they'll ask me when I get home!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot
fence.  He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo.  A
twenty-foot fence was put up.  Again he go out.  When the fence was
forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How
high do you think they'll go?"
  The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks
the gate at night!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A teacher was telling a friend about one of her students.  "He
cheats, he lies, he steals, he hits, and to make it even worse, he's the
only kid in the class with a perfect attendance record!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Just after a famous cruise ship sailed one blowy afternoon, she
ran into a full gale.  The dozen Very Important Persons who had been
assigned to the captain's table appeared for dinner amidst definite
signs of distress.  The captain cleared his throat and spoke as follows:
  "I hope the twelve of you will enjoy your trip.  It is a
pleasure to look into your eleven faces and realize that the eight of
us will be dining together for the next few evenings.  If any of the
four of you would like a rubber of bridge, I'll be glad to see you both
in my cabin.  Waiter, I dislike dining alone, so I will dispense with
the rest of my dinner."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A very ugly girl was sitting alone at the beach, when the waves
washed a bottle to her feet.  She opened it....and out blew a huge genie
in a billow of smoke.
  "I've been a prisoner in this bottle for five thousand years,"
cried the genie, "and now you've freed me!   As a reward, I will fulfill
any wish you make."
  Ecstatic, the ugly girl announced, "I want a figure like Sophia
Loren, a face like Elizabeth Taylor, and legs like Ginger Rogers."  The
genie looked her over carefully, then sighed, "Baby, just put me back in
the bottle!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A junior clerk in the American Embassy was entertained by a
duchess at one of the stately homes of England.  Upon his return to his
quarters, everybody was agog for details.  "Well," he drawled, "if the
water had been as cold as the soup, and if the soup had been as warm as
the wine, and if the wine had been as old as the chicken, and if the
chicken had been as young as the maid, and if the maid had been as
willing as the duchess....I probably never would have come home at all."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The justice of the peace handed the new groom the license and
wished the young couple well.  The young couple left for the motor lodge
a mile away that the justice of the peace had suggested.
  Going over his papers a little later, the justice of the peace
discovered to his horror that he'd given the couple a fishing license by
mistake.  He rushed over to the lodge and yelled in, "If you ain't
gotten to it yet, don't do it.  You don't have the license for it!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Some enlisted men were having trouble getting past the guard at
the train station.  He said that he couldn't allow anyone through
without a ticket.  Anyone!  An officer came along.  The guard
explained, "Look, I like GIs.  I mean, they're protecting us, but I have
orders. They're trying to get on without a ticket."
  The officer said, "Let me take care of this."   Turning to the
men, he barked, "Attention!  Now forward march!"
  Smartly, past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate
and onto the train.  Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer
on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir.  You're a great guy."
  The officer said, "That's all right.  I didn't have a ticket
either!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he
saw a woman approaching his door.  She was one of those too-talkative
people, and he was not anxious to talk with her.  He said to his wife,
"I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
  An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and
listened....not a sound.  He was very pleased, so he started down
calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old
bore at last?"
  The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and
she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him.  Two steps down, he saw
them both staring up at him.  It seemed truly a crisis moment.
  The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she
went away over an hour ago.  But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the
meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the annual football game between the two rival teams, the 
Elephants and the Insects.  At the end of the first half, the Elephants 
were winning by a score of 14 to zero.  At the start of the second half, 
the Insects sent in their star player, the Centipede.  The Insects won 
the game by a score of 28 to 14.  Amazed, the Elephant coach walked over 
to the Insect bench and asked the Insect coach "Why did you wait till the 
second half to bring in your star player?"  Smiling, the Insect coach 
replied "Well, for one thing he was still putting on his shoes..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man and his wife go to the doctor so he can get a check
up. The doctor examined him thoroughly in the presence of his wife.
"Your in perfect health!" said the doctor, "What do you contribute
this too?" "It is the help of God." he says, "Even when I wake in
the night and go to the bathroom, God turns the light on for me so
I will not stumble, and when I leave, He turns it off." "That is
totally amazing!" says the doc. "No it isn't!" so says his wife.
"He pees in the refrigerator!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Audrey was out walking with her grandmother when her grandmother
said "Look, there's a quarter in the middle of the road!" and ran out to
get it.  Just then a steamroller came along and smashed the grandmother
flat.  Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she'd known all
along it was only a nickel.

Little Audrey burned her house down one afternoon, playing with matches.
"Are you going to get it when your father comes home!" said her mother.
Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she'd known all along
that her father was tired and came home early to take a nap.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An English professor was held up once on his way home from work by a
Shriners' parade.  After seeing all the cars going by with signs reading
"Potentate," "Past Potentate," & etc., he hastily scrawled his own sign,
which allowed him to pass through with no trouble.  It read "Past Parti-
ciple."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A village blacksmith working at his open forge, hammering a
white-hot horseshoe, had just finished the shoe and thrown it to the
ground to cool.
  The local wise guy walked in at that moment.  He picked up the
horseshoe, but dropped it with a howl of pain.
  "Pretty hot, eh?" asked the blacksmith.
  "Naw," said the wise guy.  "It just don't take me long to look
over a horseshoe."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim:  I got one of those new razors that has twin blades.
Tom:  How do you like it?
Jim:  Shaves good.  But now instead of getting nicks, I get ditto marks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A rancher asked a veterinarian for some free advice.  "I have a
horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps.  What shall
I do?"
  The veterinarian replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Finn and Huck were friends.  Finn up and died.  No one was worried, 
however.  They said:  "Huck'll bury Finn."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of
the Holy Family.  After the pictures were brought to her, she saw that
some of the youngsters had drawn the conventional pictures....the Holy
Family and the manger, the Holy Family riding on the mule, etc.
  But she called up one little boy to ask him to explain his
drawing, which showed an airplane with four heads sticking out of the
plane windows.
  She said, "I can understand that you drew three of the heads to
show Joseph, Mary, and Jesus.  But who's the fourth head?"
  "Oh," answered the boy, "that's Pontius the pilot!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A Sailor walked into a bar, and noticed a horse, in a stall, at one end
of the bar. In a large bucket in front of the stall was a lot of money. 
The guy asked, "What's with the horse and money?"  THe bartender said, 
"Anyone who puts $10 in the bucket and can make the horse laugh, will win 
the money."  

  "Well," the guy said, "that oughtto be easy enough." He went over to the horse, whispered in his ear, and the horse busted out laughing.  The sailor took his money and left.  

  A few months later the same guy walked into the same bar, and there was 
the same horse with the same bucket of money. The guy asked if the deal 
was still the same. The bartender said,"No, ever since you were here 
last, the horse hasn't stopped laughing, so now the deal is that if you can make him cry, without touching him, you get the money."  

  "Well," the guy said, "thats easy too." He walked over to the horse, entered the stall for a minute, did something, and the horse busted out crying.  The sailor took his money and started to go. 

  The bartender stopped him and said, "Now wait a minute. first you come 
in here and make the horse laugh his head off, now you come in and he's
crying his eyes out.  What did you say and do to that horse?" 

  The sailor replied, "Well the first time, I told him that my dick was 
bigger than his. The second time, I showed him!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The World Gravity Commission, charted by the UN Geological Commission
in 1976, monitors "gravity deviation" so that it can "correlate
all data and develop a gravity conservation program."

The need for this commission became clear when in 1975 it was
revealed that the gravitational constant was shrinking. Professor
T.S. Phal of the World Gravity Commission is studying this crisis
even now, but Rush is certain that the constant is shrinking only
because of the careless use of the world's most precious
resource: gravity.

"The danger is apparent and the solution is conservation," Rush
notes, which means people must take immediate action now to
combat this crisis. Some of the things they can do include:

o Use paper currency instead of coins, because coins wear more
than paper and put a greater strain on gravity.

o Never fill the gas tank in your car since a completely full gas
tank can weigh as much as 100 pounds; this puts a heavy strain on
gravity, so always drive around with partial tanks of gas.

o Put all of your books and other heavy objects on the lower
shelves, so that gravity doesn't have to work as hard around them.

o Remove useless keys from your keyring.

o Do not bowl.

o Above all, don't collect rocks.

If America takes these steps, it will begin on the path to
conserving gravity, and Rush reminds everyone that "gravity
conservation is everyone's concern."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross Perot singing "R-E-S-P-E-C-T":

"What you want, Americans, I got it.
All the answers, do you know I got them?
And all I'm asking is for a, just a little respect."

<<Chorus sings "Just a little respect" while Perot says "Do you
know what I'm talking about? Do you follow me?">>

"You know all the volunteers - they have spoken.
And all that bologna, they're still not chokin'
And all I'm asking is for a little bit of respect."

<<Chorus with Perot saying "I think it's in order. Why not?">>

"You can all join them, just send in your money.
Fifteen dollars and you can be my buddy.
It seems to me I, I deserve just a little bit of respect."

<<Chorus with Perot saying "Do you follow me? Do you know what
I'm talking about?" Then the bridge, with Perot saying "Look, I
paid for these horn players! World-class, ain't they? Do you want
to talk about family values? Well, my family is valued at 3.82
billion dollars! Hit it!">>

"And all this power is sweeter than honey.
Almost as much fun as counting my money.
And all I want you to do is give it to me now!"

<<Chorus with Perot saying "You follow me? Respect! Just a little!">>

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. On your knees, now pray to me!"

<<Chorus singing "sock it to me, sock it to me," while Perot says
"That's right. Say `Amen'. I told you, I can't answer right now,
I don't have my charts with me. If you had told me before, I
would've brought them with me. See, there's got to be a team and
I'm the team . . .">>

Walter tries to sing along, but has a bit of trouble spelling
"respect." He follows this with another bit about the "Texarcana
Timebomb":

<<Sailor's Hornpipe starts playing>>

<<Announcer>> Walt Dizzie Pictures presents the story of a Texas
billionaire who reluctantly takes over the helm - Ross Perot in
"Captain Ross."

<<Perot>> I only will be the captain if my volunteers want me to
do it, Larry.

<<Announcer>> Yes, it's "Captain Ross," the story of a crew in
desperate need of a leader and who will accept just about
everything, even a maniacal Texas billionaire.

<<Perot>> Avast ye, maties, raise the tax mast! Do it . . . do
it, now, Larry!

<<Announcer>> "Captain Ross," a sea-faring story of the blind
leading the blind.

<<Sound of explosion, followed by voice of anxious sailor>>
Captain Ross - there's a gash in the hull!

<<Perot>> Now, come on, don't just stand there - stuff it with
money! <<sound of water pouring into the ship>> I am telling you
one more time, just don't stand there, stuff it . . . with money!

<<Announcer>> "Captain Ross" . . .

<<Perot>> I have decided after careful consideration that it is
only going to disrupt things to do this further. I don't want to
be captain anymore.

<<Explosion, followed by a splash and sailor's shout>> Man
overboard!

<<Announcer>> "Captain Ross," coming soon to a polling place near
you. If he takes over, we'll all go down with the ship.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was a polish worker who worked at a factory, and every day at the 
break table his co-workers would start telling Pollauck jokes. He sat 
there and listened and never said a word,day in and day out. Finally one 
day one of his co-workers asked him about his silence and begged for a 
joke. "OK",he said,"What's black,blue and red and lays in the corner 
making moaning sounds?"

 When they all gave up he said,"The next one of you son of a bitches that 
tell a pollauck joke!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
#1  Seems a young preacher was preaching his first message and really
    flopping.  One of the parishioners asked the older preacher how the 
    young one could do so bad if he was **called*.  The older pastor 
    replied "well, maybe it was a local call and not long-distance."

#2  The pastor went to the hospital to visit a backslidden member of his
    congregation and quickly closed the curtains in the room.  When the 
    backslider asked why he did that he said "there's a big fire across 
    the street, and I didn't want you to think the operation had failed."

#3  A young lady was telling her pastor she had too many suitors and 
    liked them all but didn't know which one to marry.  They were all 
    different and she liked a part of each of them.  The wise pastor's 
    reply "Specialize"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.

Time stands still for no one, except a woman in her late thirties.

Rule of thumb:  Every time you regret keeping silent, 
there'll be a hundred times you regret speaking.

A laugh is a smile that bursts.

The trouble with cars is that you can't drive a bargain.

She was just an electrician's daughter, but she had all the right 
connections.

Never argue with a fool.  He may be doing the same thing.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people are able 
to hold it.

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

The grass is always greener on the other side.  But what most people 
don't realize is that it still has to be mowed.

Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.

Life is all how you look at it.  A flea is delighted to learn that its 
children are going to the dogs.

Butterflies.  If you throw it.

Show me a man with his feet planted firmly on the ground and
I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage.   He sent out a decree
that from then on, whenever anyone ate cabbage, it must be shredded and
mixed with mayonnaise and bits of carrots.  This is known today as
Cole's Law.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A glamorous young lady hit the jackpot with her very first
novel. With part of the proceeds, she indulged a childhood fancy, and
had her new boudoir done in bright yellow...yellow drapes, yellow
spreads, even yellow silk sheets and pillow cases.  To make the picture
complete, she was laid low shortly thereafter with a sharp attack of
yellow jaundice.
  A doctor was summoned but when he entered the lady's boudoir he
ran into an unforeseen difficulty.
  He couldn't find her.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A lady driver was breaking just about every rule of the road,
and made a turn from the wrong lane into the wrong street.  A policeman
whistled at her.  She refused to stop.  The policeman finally caught up
with her and asked, "Didn't you hear me whistle?"
  The lady driver said, "When I'm driving, I don't flirt!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A woman is arguing with a meat counter clerk who is trying to tell her 
that the store is out of chicken.  Finally the clerk calls the manager to
come over and help.
  "Lady," says the manager, "how do you spell the tom in tomato?"
  "T-O-M," she replies.
  "Now how do you spell the pot in potato?"  he asks her.
  "P-O-T," she answers.
  "Then how do you spell the stink in chicken?" he asks.
  "There is no stink in chicken," the woman answers.
The manager exclaims, "That's what we've been trying to tell you!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
     I'm the wiener!

What do you call the ice cream truck man?
     A sundae driver.

How can you tell Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
     He's the one with the sesame seed buns.

What do you call a honeymoon salad?
     Lettuce alone.

What kind of shoes do you make from banana skins?
     Slippers.

What is more useful after it is broken?
     An egg.

Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
     Because they peel.

What do they call French fries in France?
     Home fries.

Why is the hot dog the noblest dog of all?
     Because it feeds the hand that bit it.

How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel?
     You put lox on it.

What do people from Texas call sushi?
     Bait.

What vegetable can you throw away the outside, cook the inside, 
eat the outside, and throw away the inside?
     Corn.

What's the difference between Chinese food and Italian food?
     With Chinese food, you're hungry after two hours.  With
     Italian food, you're still eating after two hours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one fat...
it's the seconds.

There's a restaurant you should try....they serve soup to nuts.

Destiny shapes our ends, but our middles are of our own chewing.

Definition of a pickle:  A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.

Mama corn to baby corn...the stalk brought you.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and an 
expert at making breakfast.

Dieters are people who are thick and tired of it.

A dieting woman commented, "I'm finally down to what I never wanted to 
get up to."

Waiter:  Would you like your coffee black?
Customer:  What other colors do you have?

Mary:  Do you like raisin bread?
Harry:  Don't know.  Never raised anything but cucumbers.

I used to have an hour glass figure, but the sand shifted.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An optimist thinks the glass is half full.  A pessimist thinks the glass 
is half empty.  A realist knows that if he sticks around, he's eventually
going to have to wash the glass.

She was just the coal miner's daughter, but she had a mine of her own.

A necessity is something you can get along without to buy something you 
simply must have.

Thought for the day:  A hug is the perfect gift.  One size fits all, and 
no one minds if you give it back.

The market for toupees is thinning.

Beware of the light at the end of the tunnel.  It could be an oncoming 
train.

The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

A cold is both positive and negative....sometimes the eyes have it, and 
sometimes the nose.

The secret to success is sincerity....and once you can fake it, 
you've got it made.

Opportunity only knocks, while temptation kicks the door in.

Remember when the "gay nineties" had a totally different meaning?

Cosmetics:  A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the 
lines.

Don't worry about getting old.  It's better to be over the hill than
under it.

A kiss is a strange thing.   A small boy gets it for nothing.
A young man has to steal it.  And an old man has to pay for it!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's a few About Judges:

Judge:     Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?
Defendant: Nope.  My lawyer took every last penny.
                                ........
Judge:     Where were you between five and six?
Defendant: In kindergarten!
                                ........
Judge:     Do you ever listen to your conscience?
Defendant: Yes, but I get very poor reception!
                                ........
Judges don't always seem to make sense.  A man found himself in front of
a judge on two matters.  In the first, the man's wife was trying to get
a divorce because he was impotent.  In the second, his secretary wanted
child support.  The man lost both cases!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A kid was telling his friend about the changes in his home life.
 "You see, we have this new scale in the bathroom.  On the bottom, it
has a dial.  I keep turning it, and you can't imagine how much nicer my
mother is!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The worst kind of reducing pill is the one who keeps telling you how he 
did it.

If you really want to lose weight, there are only three things you must give up:  breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A boy and a girl were out driving one evening.  They came to a quiet 
spot on a country lane, and the car stopped.  "Out of gas," said the boy.
  The girl opened her purse and pulled out a bottle.
  "Wow!" said the boy.  "A bottle....what is it?"
  "Gasoline," said the girl.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diner:   Is it customary to tip the waiter in this restaurant?
Waiter:  Why...ah...yes, Sir.
Diner:   Then hand me a tip.  I've waited almost an hour for that steak 
         I ordered.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer:  Your sign says, "Any sandwich you can name."  I would like a 
           whale sandwich.

Waiter:    Okay.  (Disappears into kitchen and shortly returns.) I'm 
           afraid I can't get you a whale sandwich.

Customer:  Why not?.....your sign says "any sandwich."

Waiter:    The cook says he doesn't want to start a new whale for one 
           lousy sandwich.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man was waiting at an intersection for a circus to pass by.
He saw a sign on one of the wagons that read:  "Barney's Circus with 50
Elephants."  He counted the elephants as they crossed the intersection.
When he got to 50, he put his car in gear and started to cross the
intersection because he was late for an appointment.  Unfortunately, he
had miscounted and his car hit and killed the last elephant.
  A week later he got a notice from the circus that he'd have to
pay $200,000.   He called the circus manager and inquired, "What's the
deal?  I only hit one lousy elephant!  Why do you want $200,000?"
  The manager responded, "It's true, you only hit one elephant,
but you pulled the tails out of 49 others!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy:  Please whisper those three little words that will make me walk 
      on air.

Girl: Go hang yourself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on
the issue of polygamy.  After long and tedious expositions justifying
the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of
Scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
  "Nothing easier." Twain replied.  "No man can serve two
masters."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The optimist sees a doughnut.  The pessimist sees a hole.

Sit in:  When you sit down to stand up for your rights.

One good way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Don't ever confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls.
Intelligence is not trying.

What are the odds of something happening at 12:50 p.m.?
Ten to one.

Alarm clock:  Something that makes people rise and whine.

Every time I get on a ferry, it makes me cross.

If you see an onion ring, answer it.

A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way.

Don't envy the boss.  Remember he's the one who has to get up early to 
see who comes in late.

Parking space:  An area that vanishes as you make a U-turn.

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be okay
because you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

Sometimes my tongue gets caught in my eye teeth and I can't 
see what I'm saying.

Contradiction in terms:  Postal Service
                         Honest Lawyer
                         Happily Married
                         Jumbo Shrimp
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two mice died and went to heaven where they were given roller
skates for being good.  Then one day a cat died and arrived too.
God asked the cat how he liked heaven.
"Great!" said the cat, "especially the meals-on-wheels."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A lady stalled in traffic was trying to start her car.  The man
behind her was honking his horn.  After five minutes of the horn
blaring in her ear, she walked to the man's car and told him
that if he would try to start her car, she would replace him in
honking his horn.
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        Bush has a short one.
        Gorbachev has a long one.
        Madonna doesn't have one.
        And the Pope doesn't use his.
        What is it?

Answer:  A last name.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Playing the stock market offers you a lot of exercise....running
scared, lifting your hopes, and pressing your luck.

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history.   He
left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing
where he was.  He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it
all on borrowed money.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances.  Finally the wife
exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The husband replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't 
be here."

A Scotsman won the lottery....yet had a very long face.   When
asked why, he replied, "Aye, it grieves me to think of the dollar
I wasted on the second ticket."

A Scotsman complained to a magazine that if they didn't stop printing 
Scottish jokes, he wouldn't borrow their magazine to read anymore.

Innkeeper:  The room is $15. a night.  It's $5. if you make your
            own bed.
    Guest:  I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper:  Good.  I'll get you some nails and wood.

Life Insurance Agent:  Don't let me frighten you into a
decision.  Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning,
let me know what you think.

Two little boys were playing together when a cute, curly-haired
girl walked by.  One kid said, "You know something?  When I stop hating
girls, I think I'll stop hating that one first!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The attorney was questioning the witness, who was responding
directly to the attorney.  The attorney said, "Please speak to the
jury."
   The witness smiled at the jury and said, "Hi there!"
                                ........
  A jury heard a case and brought in a verdict of not guilty,
explaining, "It was an act of God under very suspicious circumstances!"
                                .......
  She was on trial for having shot her husband.  She'd been found
with the smoking gun in her hand.  But the jury let her go because she
was a widow!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The attorney was questioning the witness, who was responding
directly to the attorney.  The attorney said, "Please speak to the
jury."
  The witness smiled at the jury and said, "Hi there!"
                                ........
  A jury heard a case and brought in a verdict of not guilty,
explaining, "It was an act of God under very suspicious circumstances!"
                                .......
  She was on trial for having shot her husband.  She'd been found
with the smoking gun in her hand.  But the jury let her go because she
was a widow!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Alex had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane.
He ran to his mother, who kissed the wound and made it better.  On the
way to the store a little later, Alex fell off his bike and scraped his
knee.  He ran to his mother, who kissed it and made it better.
Returning from the store, Alex ran into the town bully, who kicked him
in a very private part of his anatomy.  Alex rushed home.  His mother
said, "Son, you're getting more like your father every day!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A lady driver was stopped by a motorcycle cop and said to him
bitterly, "If I was speeding, so were you!"
                                ........
  The clerk at the motor vehicle bureau asked the lady applicant,
"Have you ever driven before?"
  The lady said, "Fifty thousand miles, but not from the front
seat!"
                                ........
  One lady driver said it all.  "The thing I hate most about
parking is that noisy crash!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The doctor explained that a baby wasn't really much trouble,
saying, "Just remember to keep one end empty and the other end full!"

  The baby, a girl, was born two days later than expected.
Holding her, her father said, "Two minutes old and she's already kept a
man waiting!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The newlyweds were taking the train to Florida.  Cuddling
together in an upper booth, they had a merry old time.  After the third
marital joining, the bride said, "Darling, I just can't convince myself
that we're really married."
  From a berth halfway down the train, a deep voice bellowed,
"Convince her!  I'd like to get some sleep!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  An older man went to a doctor for some potency shots.  When the
doctor's bill came, the older man wrote out an amount much larger than
was requested.  Getting the check, the doctor's nurse called up to see
why the amount was higher than had been charged.  The older man said,
"The extra twenty dollars is from my wife!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A thoughtful pediatrician reminded a comparatively new father,
"Never spank your child on an empty stomach.  Be sure to eat something
first."   Then he noticed that the baby's hair had turned white.  "This
kid worrying about something?" he asked.
  "It's not the kid at all," the father answered him.  "It's my
near-sighted wife.  She keep powdering the wrong end."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fashion:  Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Creative marketing:  A company that owns 15 donut shops and 4 weight 
loss clinics.

A house divided is a split level.

The modern woman may not know about baking bread, but she sure knows 
about making dough.

The biggest oxymoron in the world:  The Senate Ethics Committee.

A new tie often attracts the soup of the day.

Pretzel makers are a twisted bunch.

The trouble with life is that it's so daily.

She was only a Marine colonel's daughter, but she was rotten to the 
corps.

Words of wisdom:  Don't start vast projects with half vast ideas.

A chip on the shoulder means wood further up.

A person who helps row is too busy to rock the boat.

I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me
at once.

People who cough never go to the doctors....they go to banquets, to 
concerts, to church......

A man couldn't enter a fancy club without a tie, so he used jumper cables
from his car for a tie.  The doorman said, "Well, I guess you can come 
in, but you better not start anything."

A man complained that justices of the peace were misnamed.  He'd
been married by one and hadn't had any peace since!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the guy who was so broke he couldn't even pay 
attention?

A will is a dead giveaway.

He who buys a mobile home doesn't get a lot.

What has 15 tails and 15 heads?
     15 pennies.

What's the quickest way to double your money?
     Fold it in half.

 What's the difference between a Texas oil man and a pigeon?
     A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Death and taxes go hand in hand.  Taxes are murder and murder is taxing.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who punished his son for buying an 
all-day sucker at 4 p.m?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
     Because she expected some change in the weather.

What did the salt say to the pepper?
     Season's Greetings.

What has more lives than a cat?
     A frog.  It croaks every night.

Do you know why the oyster did not want to give up his pearl?
     He was just a little shellfish.

What is the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
     A hunter lies in wait and a fisherman waits and lies.

What do you get if you anesthetize a rabbit?
     The ether bunny.

Can bees fly in the rain?
     Not without their little yellow jackets.

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
     Nothing.  He just let out a little wine.

Where do you find the most fish?
     Between the head and the tail.

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen, which one is the football player?
     The one in the sugar bowl.

How many skunks does it take to stink up a room?
     A phew.

What do you use to paint a rabbit?
     Hare spray.

How did they know the man eaten by sharks had dandruff?
     They found head and shoulders on the beach.

What does an educated owl say?
     Whom.

Where does a rancher record his inventory?
     In a cattle-log.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a boy from Vail,
Who decided to go for a sail.
But the waves were quite thick,
And that sure made him sick.
So he spent his sail over a rail.

A Shakespearian Comedy:
'Twas in a restaurant they met,
Romeo and Juliet.
He had no cash to pay the debt.
So Romeo'd while Juli-et.

There once was a lady from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
In less than an hour,
Her nose was in flower,
And her head was covered in weeds.

There once was a man from Rome,
Who was cleaning his pants in his home.
He used gasoline,
'Twas the last ever seen
Of him or his pants or his home.

There once was a mathematician from Trinity,
Who tried to take the square root of infinity.
There were so many digits, it gave him the figits.
So he gave up mathematics for divinity.

When Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised.
But when Old McDonald had a farm,
The doctor almost died.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I now quote MAD #312, page 24-25.

Political Correctness is in the order of the day,
So be very, very careful with the words you write and say;
The PC spies are watching, and they've got a lot of clout,
And should you make the slightest goof, they'll surely find you out;
They'll brand you as a bigot and attack you in the press;
They'll scream that you're "insensitive" and make your life a mess;
Mad hopes these verses help you with the words that you select
So that you're learning...

    HOW TO BE POLITIC'LLY CORRECT

Dont call that schlub "a fatty," for it's simply not allowed;
He's now "physic'lly expansive" or "nutrition'lly endowed;"
That clod repeating seventh grade? He's not a knucklehead;
"Scholastic'lly persistent" is the phrase to use instead;
Don't talk of "dwarfs" or "midgets" both are terms you should revise;
Today they're known as "persons of a nonexcessive size;"
You'll find you're not offending any group or race or sect
As long as what you're saying is Politic'lly Correct.

Our nation has no "Indians" in case you have'nt heard,
"Indigenous Americans" is now the term preferred;
Don't call that drifter "homeless" that's the no-no of the year;
He's "a worker in transition" or "an urban pioneer."
Don't call that guy in women's clothing a weirdo or a freak;
He's "a fasion nonconformist with a life-style that's unique."
No lack of sensitivity will anyone detect
As long as ev'ry comment is Politic'lly Correct.

To psychopathic killers nicer labels we're now giving;
They're "gentlemen who specialize in terminating living;"
Don't call that creep a "rapist" he might think you were unkind;
He's "a sexual crusader" who's "assertiveley inclined;"
As for all those scuzzy pushers hooking kids throughout the land,
They're now "inner city merchants with a product in demand;"
So make certain that you're careful with the word that you select
And we guarantee you'll always be Politic'lly Correct.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walked into a men's room the other day and saw a Newfie standing 
by the condom machine saying, "Geez bye, dis gum ain't got no 
flavour at all!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Newfie goes to Ontario for the winter, and finds himself 
spending night after night at the same seedy bar. During the 
course of the evenings, he is turned down many times by the women 
he advances on, but he notices something odd about another man's 
method. This guy would casually walk up behind a woman and mutter 
something that gets her slightly upset; then he would talk to her 
some more and she starts to laugh, and within half an hour, this 
guy always manages to pick up the girl.
 
One day, the Newfie spots this same guy on the street and asks 
him just what in the name of God his great pickup line is.
 
"Well, its like this", he says. "All I do is walk up behind a 
woman and say in a low tone 'tickle your ass with a feather', 
which usually causes them to get slightly ruffled. When she says 
'Excuse me?', I reply 'typical nasty weather'. This really breaks 
the ice and it has never failed me."
 
"Great", says the Newf, "I'll try it."
 
That night, he goes back to the bar armed with his new pickup 
line. He spots a pretty girl and goes into action. Walking up 
behind her, the newfie blurts out "Shove a fedder up yer arse, 
missus?"
 
"I beg your pardon!?!" says the girl, to which the Newfie 
replies "By jeezus its some fuckin cold out!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Have you heard that the Newfies are in favour of Quebec 
separating from Canada because then it won't take them as long to 
drive to Toronto.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems that during WWI (the biggy) Pierre the greatest pilote in the
French (H)air Force was quite a ladies man and they were always falling
over each other to sleep with him.  This one particular sweet young
thing offered him 10,000f (about $4.00) to satisfy her. He agreed.
When in the bedroom and all prepared she asked Pierre to eat her.
Pierre,"mai oui" (of course) he then asked her for a cigarette which he
lit, after a few puffs he blew out the lamp, ripped the shade and
wick from it, screwed off the top and doused her belly with kerosene.
Upon throwing the cigarette onto her belly everything began blazing.
Pierre she cried, why for you do that?  His reply?
"When Pierre the greatest pilote in the French (H)air Force go down, he
go down in flames..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a soldier, a Scottish soldier, laying in the gutter asleep,
"bombed out of his gourd".  Two old ladies came by and one asked the
other if she thought it was true that Scots wore nothing under their
Kilts. Upon looking they found it was so. Sooo, one decided to take a
red ribbon from her hair and tie it round his "dinger". Later he awoke
and staggered back to the barracks when upon upping his kilt to relieve
himself he spotted the ribbon. Gar matey, I don't know where you've been
or what ye dun but be damned if ye didn't take first prize.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Wag: "What shall we eat tonight, Italian, French or Chinese?"
2nd Wag: "How about Seafood for a change?"
 1st Wag: "I didn't know you any Sailors!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 This happens to be true.  A dozen or so or of us were sitting in a bar
 in Long Beach CA in 58 telling good jokes with the bartender, there
 were no women in the bar.  Well in walks this doll, about 8 months
 pregnant and spoils our fun, (in those days, even Sailors were polite
 in the presence of a female).  The bartender said he could get rid of
 her in a hurry so we all paid marked attention to what he was
 proposing. He leaned over the bar and in a very loud whisper asked her
 if he could give her something she never had before. She asked what
 that might be and he replied, get your belly button kissed.  She
 laughed and pointed to the belly and said he must be kidding,
 where-upon he unrolled a tongue that would make "KISS" take notice and
 said, "From the inside?" she left without finishing her drink and we
 got back to the jokes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Mary was out in the front yard milking the cow when she seen a Soldier
 walking down the road. "Ma, They's a Solder coming down road." Ma
 yells, get in the house quick, you can't trust no Sojers. After he
 passed she continues to milk the cow when she see's an Airman coming,
 same deal from Ma.. after he goes by Mary is back milking when she
 spies a Sailor coming, Ma yells, "Get in the house ...an... bring the
 cow with you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The Son of good quality folks had always been told to marry only a
 Virgin.  He had never been with a woman and had no idea what this
 meant. Sally being wise to this decided to make a go for him and his
 family's money. They were on the lake in a rowboat when she asked him
 if he ever felt a Virgin, he said no, so she told him to put a finger
 where she directed. "Feel good" she asked, he was almost without words
 in his rapture, so she told him to put in 2 fingers. "Hows that?"
 "Wonderful, Wonderful" so put your whole hand in she told him, He was
 almost out of it by this time so she went for the whole works, "Put
 both your hands in" he did and now she says "clap your hands" "I can't
 he replied," "Of course not," she said, "Didn't you know all us Virgins
 are tight?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 6 year old Junior came into the house and upon being asked what he had
 been up to by Mom, he replied "just out fuckin," she screamed, "No
 supper for you, take this jam sandwich and to bed right away, wait
 until your Father comes home, He'd deal with you good. Upon Dad's
 arrival and after telling him what had transpired, he let out a curse
 and grabbed the frying pan, "your not going to hit him with that are
 you?" "Hell no, he replied, I'm gonna make him bacon & eggs," can't
 have him out fuckin the neighbourhood on jam sandwiches.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Doctor to patient, "I've got bad and worse news for you"
 Whats the bad news? "Your tests came back negative and you've 24 hours
 to live."
 Whats the worse news? "I was golfing yesterday and forgot to phone
 you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Tourists picked up a 9 year old boy walking along a dirt road, soaked
 to the skin and very cold. "How did this happen," they asked.. "Well he
 says," every night my ole man drives me down to the lake and rows out
 to the middle and throws me in, "I have to swim to shore and walk all
 the way home." "That's got to be hard on a little fellow like you,"
 nah he says, "Gettin outta the bag is the hard part.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Governor Mario Cuomo is expected to run for re-election this
year, so it's only natural that the President of the United
States, who is also a Democrat, would offer his help to the
Governor. However, as EIB's hidden microphones reveal, Governor
Cuomo was not quite so receptive to this:

<<Announcer>> And now, another edition of "Behind the Scenes at
the Clinton White House."

<<President Clinton, speaking to an aide>> Give me Governor Cuomo
on line two! <<picks up phone>> Hey, Mario, good buddy!

<<Governor Cuomo>> Bill, forget it!

<<Clinton>> Listen, Mario, I need your help on this health care
bill.

<<Cuomo>> Stay away!

<<Clinton>> If you could just go around the state with me next
month, and help me sell it to the voters, it would sure be a lot
of help! And there'll be lots of photo-ops in it for you! You and
me, just standing there smiling . . . <<laughs>>

<<Cuomo>> Bill, I'm grateful for your kind and generous offer,
but let's face it, you've got so much on your plate already . . .
you got health care to worry about, NAFTA, Somalia . . .

<<Clinton>> Tell you what, if you help me out, I'll campaign as
hard as I can, all over the state!

<<Cuomo>> Thanks, but no thanks . . . look at what happened to
Dinkins and Florio! You think I'm crazy? Stay away! Look what
happens to the people you go near, they sink the minute you get
there! Look, let's face it, you're not popular . . . you're not
popular. And the way for you to get popular is to stay away from
me!

<<Clinton, as Mario hangs up the phone, leaving only a dial
tone>> Mario? Mario?! Mario??

<<Announcer>> Join us next time for another edition of "Behind
the Scenes at the Clinton White House."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Y'know, according to court documents, the young victim and Mike were 
sitting on his bed watching "The Exorcist" when the alleged molestation 
occurred.  I can see it now in court...

"Mr. Jackson, tell us in your words what happenned..."

"Well, we were sitting there watching the exorcist when all of a sudden 
this feeling came over me...it wasn't like all those other times when I 
was high on painkillers...it was...it was like I was possessed...yeah, 
like I was possessed by a demon!  And the demon said "EAT ME!"

So I did."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A women stopped at a gas station to fill up her car. WHile she was
filling her tank, gas got on her arm, she paid it no attention. She 
paid the gas station attendant and left.
  A little ways down the road she lit a cigarette. Unfortunely 
she lit her arm in the process.  Frantic she rolled down the window 
thinking the wind would put out the flames. It didn't.
  She pass a police car, still franticlly waving her arm out the 
window. Seeing this the policemen followed and stopped the women
  Once stopped the police arrested the women. Charges:  Illegal 
use of a FIREARM!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys found themselves in Hell, Bob, Dave, and da Apeman. A little
confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in
the wall (which they hadn't noticed before) open, and behind the door
was perhaps the Ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty,
and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard,"Bob, you have sinned!!! You are
condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Bob
was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his doom.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when
a second door opened, and lo! an even more disgusting example of
womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7', covered in thick black hair, and
flies circled her.

The Voice of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned!!! You are
condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!!!" And
Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.

Da Apeman, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst
when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to
see the figure of... Cindy Crawford!!!!!!!!!!!!

Delighted, da Apeman jumped on the spot, taking in the sight of this
beautiful woman, dressed barely in a metallic bikini, when he heard the
voice of the Devil say :

" Cindy, you have sinned!!!!!!!........"

( This joke is particularly useful if you have any friends who think a
little too much of themselves  )
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a couple on their second honeymoon. The man went into the 
bathroom to splash on some cologne and get ready for his wife who was out on
the bed taking her clothes off. When the man came out of the bathroom, 
his wife was on the bed standing on her head. The man said, "Honey, 
what are you doing on your head??" And she replied, "Well, I figured 
if you could not get it up  - maybe you could just drop it in."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's this blind guy who walks into a department store with a seeing 
eye dog to guide him.  The dog helps him walk among the racks and 
shelves of merchandise.  Suddenly, he picks the dog up by the leash 
and starts swinging it around his head.  A store clerk, face florid, 
polite and red like that of a policeman, bustles up.

"Can I help you, sir?"

"No, I'm just looking around."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A young man from deep in the hills down south got a scholarship to 
Harvard.
 Shortly after his arrival, he got hopelessly lost on the campus trying 
to find the library.  He stopped a preppie for directions.

 "Kin y'all tell me whar the lah-bary is at?" he drawled.

 The preppie glowered at him.  "See here," he sniffed, "I don't know what
 sort of backwater inbred community you came from, but you are now in an
 institution of higher education, and we DON'T end a sentence with a
 preposition!  I suggest you rephrase your question."

 "Awl right, then," replied the good 'ol boy, "Kin y'all tell me whar the
 lah-bary is at......Jerk?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Policeman: Yer not allowed to fish here.
Max: Oh, I'm not fishing, I'm just giving my pet worm a bath!

Nick and John C. co-mod went fishing and trespassed onto a private lake.
The town policeman drivin' by spotted them. "Hey, didn't you see that
sign?" he asked.    "Yes I sure did," said Nick.  "But it said 'private'
at the top, so didn't read the rest!"

First woman:    My son came for a visit for his vacation.
Second woman:    Did you meet him at the airport?
First woman:        Goodness no. I've known him for years!

Gertude: Why are you doing only the backstroke?
Mabel:   I just had lunch, and I didn't want to swim on a full stomach!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humourous Phone Answerers

1. Shh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and 
   Main and bring the girl.

2. Don't EVER call me again!

3. SO!! You have found me! Well, you will not stop me!  Tomorrow I 
   will release Microbe X!!!

4. Admit it! You have no IDEA who I am.

5. International Transmutual Conglomeration of Associates.  
   May I help you?

6. Renfield, I told you never to call me during the daytime!

7. This is Madame Olga, I see all and know all. To whom am I speaking?

8. Dis is Louis. Whose is youse?

9. It's no use! Your call won't go through! We now control the 
   telephone company!

10. If  you take off your skin, it will get very cold outside.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
          BASIC OPERATIONAL RULES

 1. If you open it, you close it.

 2. If you turn it on, you turn it off.

 3. If you unlock it, you lock it.

 4. If you break it, you repair it.

 5. If you can't fix it, you get someone who can fix it.

 6. If you borrow it, you return it.

 7. If you use it, you take care of it.

 8. If you make a mess, you clean it up.

 9. If you move it, you put it back.

10. If you make a promise, you keep it.

11. If you don't know how it works, don't touch it.

12. If you aren't concerned with it, don't mess with it.

13. If it belongs to somebody else and you want to use it; Get Permission.

14. If it's not broke, don't you fix it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
          HOW I USED MY NEW BOX OF SHELLS

Shot # 1  Missed target completely at 100 yards. Rifle needed sighted in.

Shot # 2  Hit target in lower right-hand corner--from 10 yards.

Shot # 3  Bull's-eye--after getting rifle back from gunsmith who sighted
          it in.

Shot # 4  Accidentally pulled trigger while loading rifle in vehicle, will
          repair transmission when I get home.

Shot # 5  Fired into air to signal start of drive, fined $200 by game
          warden for killing a turkey.

Shot # 6  The excitement of seeing my first deer caused me to fire before
          rifle was to my shoulder--I only had to replace left boot.

Shot # 7  Missed deer completely, not so sure about cow across the field.

Shot # 8  To clean mud from barrel after falling over cliff while being
          chased by farmer. Now I'm sure about cow.

Shot # 9  Slipped and fell while crossing stream, buddy says I'll have to
          replace his hunting cap and also pay for having his underwear
          washed.

Shot # 10 Forgot can opener. Opened a can of pork and beans, the few beans
          that were left tasted too much like gunpowder to eat them.

Shot # 11 Shot too low at deer, glanced off rock and wounded a chipmunk.

Shot # 12 Finished off wounded chipmunk.

Shot # 13 Checked scope again, hit big bucket hanging on pole. Hope people
          get electricity back soon.

Shot # 14 At deer moving through brush, I'd never heard some of the words
          that it used.

Shot # 15 To check scope again after being hit on the head with my own rifle.

Shot # 16 Knocked buck down but didn't go to claim it when game warden
          tried to arrest a nearby hunter for killing a doe.

Shot # 17 Gun accidentally fired while dragging it under fence. Have to
          replace right boot now.

Shot # 18 Won a $1.00 bet from buddy who said I couldn't hit a junked car
          on other hill. Hot radiators sure do make a lot of steam.

Shot # 19 Killed running buck with 3-inch spike at 625 yards. It takes
          skill to be a good hunter.

Shot # 20 Save till I get home and use it on mouse in my pantry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A young boy asked his father, "Dad, what's a sweater girl?"
  A little baffled, the father hemmed and hawed and finally said,
"A sweater girl is a girl who works in a place where sweaters are made."
Pausing in relief, he went on, "Where'd you get a question like that?"
  The kid said, "Forget the question.  Where did you get the answer?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Returning from a trip overseas on a giant ocean liner, Markowitz
was placed at a table with another man.  The man, a Frenchman, nodded
and said, "Bon appetit."
  Markowitz nodded back and said, "Markowitz."
  For several days the ritual was repeated.  One afternoon,
Markowitz mentioned it to another passenger.  The other passenger said,
"It's not what you think.  `Bon appetit' is the French way of telling
you to enjoy your meal."
  At dinner that evening, Markowitz came in, nodded, and said,
"Bon appetit."
  The Frenchman rose and answered, "Markowitz!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A small girl was at her play table, drawing with crayons.  Her mother 
asked, "What are you drawing?"
  The small girl said, "God."
  The mother said, "How can you draw God?  Nobody has ever seen him. 
Nobody knows what he looks like."
  The small girl said, "They'll all know when I finish this!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What has a hundred legs and lives on yogurt?

An aerobic class!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever 
after.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.

A lawyer was questioning one of the witnesses.  "Are you sure my
client shot him at close range?"
The witness said, "Very close range."
"Were there powder marks on him?"
"Yup.  Why do you think she shot him?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A famous photographer fell head over heels in love with a new model. 
After a day's shooting, he said to her, "You can really go far if you're
nice to somebody like me."
  The model understood.  The next day she brought him a box of candy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A valiant young sportsman named Fisher
Once fished from the edge of a fissure.
A fish with a grin
Pulled the fisherman in;
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two older men sat on a bench in the park.  One said, "I hear that 
eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil."
  The other man said, "I don't like raw oysters, and to tell you the truth, I don't have any women to write to!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man went in for an eye examination.  The ophthalmologist pointed to 
his chart and asked the man to read the third row from the 
bottom....XDRGHFUFQ.  "Read that," he said.
  The man gulped and said, "Can you give me a clue?  What language is it 
in?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play.  One said, "Let's
play doctor."
  The other kid said, "Okay.  You operate and I'll sue!"
 
  Little Carl was having dinner at Steven's house.  Trying to help their 
guest, Steven's mother asked, "Are you sure you can cut the meat by 
yourself?"
  Carl answered, "Sure.  We have it this tough at home, too!"

  My son was a smart youngster.  One time he brought home his report card
and said, "Dad, here's my report card, and here's one of yours I happened 
to find in the attic!"

  A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big 
fight with Sidney.  He called me a sissy."
  "What did you do?" the mother asked.
  "I hit him with my purse!"

  Jenny watched her mother put cream on her face and asked, "What's that 
cream for?"
  The mother said, "It's facial cream to make me look gorgeous."
  A few minutes later, the mother removed the cream.  Jenny stared and 
then said, "Didn't work, did it?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man ran into an old maid in the drugstore and said, "Emily, I hear 
you're getting married."
  The old maid said, "It's not true, but thank God for the rumor!"

  An old maid found a burglar under her bed.  Calling the police, she 
insisted that they send somebody over in the morning!

  The old maid expired, saying with her last breath, "Who says you can't 
take it with you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.
  "This is a talking dog," he said.  "And you can have him for five 
dollars."
  The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this 
talking-dog stuff?  There ain't no such animal."
  Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, 
Sir," he pleaded.  "This man is cruel.  He never buys me a meal, never 
bathes me, never takes me for a walk.  And I used to be the richest trick 
dog in America.  I performed before kings.  I was in the Army and was 
decorated ten times."
  "Hey!" said the neighbor.  "He can talk.   Why do you want to
sell him for just five dollars?"
  "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  "What happened to the other barber that used to be here?"
  "Well, he is now in the home for the insane.  One day, when his 
business was slow, he asked a customer if he wanted a shampoo and the 
customer said, `No.'  I guess that was the last straw.  He took a razor 
and slashed the customer's throat.   By the way, how about a shampoo 
today?"
  "Sure, go ahead." said the customer.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beverly:  A scientist says that what we eat we become.
Michelle:  Oh boy!  Let's order something rich.

Question:  What type of person lives the longest?
Answer:  A rich relative.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The sad, quiet, big-eyed little lady sat in the psychiatrist's office. 
The good doctor questioned her gently as to why her family wanted her 
locked up.
  "Now, tell me," he said, "just what your trouble is."
  "It's just that....just that I'm so fond of pancakes, Doctor."
  "Is that all?  Why, I'm very fond of pancakes myself."
  "Oh Doctor, really?  You must come over to our house.  I've got trunks 
and trunks full of them!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been 
inseparable friends.   Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food,
the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him.
  One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway 
without his companion.   Naturally all the other fish were curious, and 
an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.
  "How should I know?" the herring replied.  "Am I my blubber's kipper?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher:  What is the axis of the earth?
Student:  The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from 
          one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher:  Very good.  Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student:  Yes, Sir.
Teacher:  Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student:  Imaginary clothes, Sir.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A lady complained of an earache, so the doctor examined her and found a
piece of string dangling from her right ear.   The doctor began pulling 
it out, and the more he pulled, the more string came out. Suddenly the 
pulling became harder, and he struggled with the string.
To his amazement, out fell a bouquet of roses.
 The doctor exclaimed, "Good gracious, where did this come from?"
 "How should I know?" said the patient.  "Why don't you look at the 
card?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A kangaroo yanked her young one out of her pouch and gave it a
healthy smack on the backside.  "I'll teach you, she declared, "to eat
crackers in bed!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A famous movie star whose name had been coupled for romantic
interludes with every beauty in Hollywood entered a Long Island hospital
for a check-up and was fawned upon and babied by every nurse in the
institution.
  One particularly attractive nurse was at his side, it seemed,
every time he stirred.  When he finally indicated that he'd like to be
along for just a little while, she told him, "Now if you want anything
at all, you need only pull this cord."
  He gave her his patented irresistible smile and said, "Thank
you, my dear.  What is the cord attached to?"  She smiled back and
answered, "Me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A prominent Wall Street banker was leaving his home in White
Plains to catch the 9:15 when his wife called out, "Please take my shoes
and leave them at the Grand Central repair shop on your way to the
office."
  The banker took the shoes under his arm without bothering to
wrap them, and swung aboard the train with his mind teeming with details
of million-dollar deals.  A fellow commuter noted the shoes and boomed
enthusiastically, "That's the way to do it, Joe.  Don't let her gad
about."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A merchant from Minsk drove his horse and loaded wagon to a
neighboring town and was asked by a prospective customer, "What are you
selling today?"
  The merchant whispered in his ear, "Oats."
  "Why the secrecy?"  demanded the customer.  "Ssssssh." soothed
the merchant.  "Not so loud.  I don't want the horse to hear."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clara:  My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an
        hour.
Sarah:  That's nothing!  My pastor can talk for an hour without
        a subject!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fish and visitors stink after three days.
How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or 
 resolution enough to mend them!
A country man between two lawyers, is like a fish between two cats.
There are three faithful friends....an old wife, an old dog, and ready 
 money.
If passion drives, let reason hold the reins.
To err is human, to repent divine; to persist devilish.
They who have nothing to trouble them, will be troubled at nothing.
Keep conscience clear....then never fear.
Doing an injury puts you below your enemy; revenging one makes you but 
 even with him; forgiving it sets you above him.
If you would have guests merry with cheer, be so yourself, or so at least
 appear.
The worst wheel of the cart makes the most noise.
Necessity never made a good bargain.
There's many witty men whose brains can't fill their bellies.
Half wits talk much but say little.
An open foe may prove a curse; but a pretended friend is worse.
'Tis easy to see....hard to foresee.
Quarrels never could last long, if on one side only lay the wrong.
Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies 
 than a gallon of vinegar.
There are lazy minds as well as lazy bodies.
Wish not so much to live long, as to live well.
Clean you finger, before you point at my spots.
Death takes no bribes.
Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden, but it is forbidden because 
 it is hurtful.
A true friend is the best possession.
No gains without pains.
A lie stands on one leg....truth on two.
A soft tongue may strike hard.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgment.
Great talkers....little doers.
Eat to live; live not to eat.
The heart of the fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is 
 in his heart.
He's the best physician that knows the worthlessness of the most 
 medicines.
A slip of the foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the tongue you may
 never get over.
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
A pair of good ears will drink dry a hundred tongues.
You may delay, but time will not.
Lost time is never found again.
He that cannot obey, cannot command.
Drink water, put the money in your pocket, and leave the dry-bellyache in
 the punch bowl.
If you would reap praise you must sow the seeds, gentle words and useful 
 deeds.
Haste makes waste.
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
When the well's dry, we know the worth of water.
A good wife and health, is a man's best wealth.
Don't throw stones at your neighbor's, if you own windows are glass.
Glass, china, and reputation are easily crack'd, and never well mended.
He that scatters thorns, let him not go barefoot.
Nothing so popular as goodness.
The rotten apple spoils his companion.
'Tis easier to prevent bad habits than to break them.
Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough.
To be intimate with a foolish friend, is like going to bed to a razor.
A full belly makes a dull brain.
Laziness travels so slowly that poverty soon overtakes him.
When a friend deals with a friend, let the bargain be clear and well 
 penned, that they may continue friends to the end.
Work as if you were to live 100 years, pray as if you were to die
 tomorrow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  In Cleveland, a guest conductor was driven crazy at rehearsals
because at least one member of the orchestra was always missing.  After
the last rehearsal, he tapped for attention and said, "I want to thank
the first violinist publicly for being the only man in the entire
orchestra who had the decency to attend every rehearsal."
  The first violinist hung his head.  "It seemed the least I could
do," he said in a deprecating tone.  "You see, I don't expect to show up
for the concert tonight."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The burglars had tied and gagged the bank cashier after
extracting the combination to the safe and had herded the other
employees into a separate room under guard.   After they rifled the safe
and were about to leave, the cashier made desperate pleading noises
through the gag.  Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosed the
gag.
  "Please," whispered the cashier, "take the books, too.  I'm
$8,500 short."

  One thing Larry says about his wife, she's a very neat
housekeeper.  If he drops his socks on the floor, she picks them up.
If he throws his clothes around, she hangs them up.  Larry got up at
three o'clock the other morning and went in the kitchen to get a glass
of orange juice.  He came back and found the bed made.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son:   What do you call it when one woman is talking?
Dad:   Monologue.
Son:   What do you call it when two women are talking?
Dad:   Cat-alogue.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his
children and immediately started to assemble it with all the
neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.   After several
hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B,
etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a
neighboring yard.
  The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a
short while had the set completely assembled.
  It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together
without even reading instructions."
  "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and
when you can't read, you've got to think."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOSE.MONEY.FAST
Organization: The Mars Needs Women Memorial Fund

Hi there!

Do you, like many other computer users around the world, have large,
combustible wads of money in your pockets?  Do you find writing all
those pesky zeroes down in your bank book tedious?  Would you like to
lose $1,000?  $25,000?  even $50,000? Think it's impossible?

Well, it's not!  Anybody can lose AS MUCH MONEY AS HE OR SHE LIKES,
and faster than anyone could imagine!

Five years ago, I was rich.  I had money in high-yield investment
securities, stocks, and municipal bonds.  Two cars sat in my garage,
and I was in the highest income tax bracket possible.  Then, one day,
I discovered the secret of how to LOSE MONEY FAST, and it changed my
life.  Now, I am living in one small room of a second-story apartment
in the second-oldest apartment building in Durham, and I'm working as
a temp at eight dollars an hour, with no health or vacation benefits.

Sounds good, doesn't it?  Read on, and you'll find out how YOU can
LOSE MONEY FAST!

The first step in LOSING MONEY FAST is deciding HOW much money YOU
want to lose. Do you want to lose $1,000?  Or do you want to go all
the way and drop $50,000?  It's up to you!  Take a piece of paper and
write down YOUR personal loss target. Take that number to a local
graphic designer, and have him or her create a really nifty-looking
design for that logo, in four-color seperations, with gold foil
highlights. After you have your Loss Target in hand, take it to a
framing studio, and get a cool-looking frame, maybe in with anodized
black trim.  Once you've got it all framed and nice-looking, PUT IT ON
YOUR WALL, and be proud!  You've just lost UP TO $500!  That's right!
By this time, you're already down FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS, and that's
only the BEGINNING! There're even BIGGER losses on the way!

The real secret of LOSING MONEY FAST is in VOLUME.  Don't think about
losing money a few bucks at a time, think of losing money HUNDREDS OF
DOLLARS at a time. Here's how: go to your bank or savings and loan,
and withdraw an amount of money equal to your Loss Target.  If you
don't have that much in liquid assets, try selling your car, or even
an organ or two.  Ask for the money in small denominations, preferably
dollar bills.

Then, go down to your local post office and ask about the rules and
regulations governing mass mailings.  Get a number of envelopes equal
to your Loss Target, address them to OCCUPANT, and put a dollar bill
inside each and every envelope.  Then, take them down to your local
post office, and send them off!  You've just LOST BIG BUCKS!  And it's
NOT TAX DEDUCTIBLE!  That's the danger in OTHER lose-money schemes:
many of them are tax deductible, and some can even qualify you for
charitable awards! But not LOSE.MONEY.FAST, because YOU cut out the
middleman!  YOUR money goes DIRECT from you to OTHER PEOPLE!  No
receipts!  No records! Nothing except the thrill of seeing your bank
account dwindle!

Here are a few comments by happy people who have LOST MONEY FAST!:

Mr. D. Terwilliger, of Pismo Beach, CA.: "I never thought I could lose
money so fast, or so easily.  The cash just seemed to vanish. It was
exciting, and I got rid of all my money.  I can't recommend
LOSE.MONEY.FAST enough. "

Ms. R.Swathmire, of Springview, VA: "Thank you for telling me how to
LOSE MONEY FAST.  I used to have to sweat through bank statements,
credit reports, and dividend checks.  Now, I don't have to worry about
any of that!"

Mr. R.Cherminski, of Seattle, WA: "It's such a relief not to have to
worry about my money any more.  It's so different, now, I don't have a
care in the world, and it's all thanks to LOSE.MONEY.FAST."

Take advantage of this new and exciting concept in fiscal management,
and LOSE MONEY FAST!*




*as used by the U.S. Government.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a church (near the door where people pull up to drop people
off):

         No Parking
 Cars parked here will be sold
And the money used for missions

Our campus building are now non-smoking facilities.  There is a sign
to remind people of this that says:

      NO SMOKING
  We will assume anyone
 smoking is on fire and
Take Appropriate Actions

Recently seen on a rural Virginia Property:

  Trespassers will be Shot.
Survivors will be shot again.

 This Brings to mind a sign I'd LIKE to see:
      Prosecutors will be violated.

Seen in a local auto parts store:

Shoplifters will be beaten,
  trampled upon, and then
       prosecuted

I saw a couple in a local fish supply store:

   Shoplifters will be killed and eaten.
               and
Unatended children will be fed to the fish.

In Felixstowe, there are loads of shops that carry this sign:
                     This week's special offer -
       A free ride in a police car to anyone caught shoplifting
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
1)  After a Sunday service as the pastor was greeting the congregatin 
on the way out of the church, he noticed that one guy had two fresh 
shiners. "Brother, what has happened?" he inquired.  "Well," said the 
man, "when we got up to sing that first hymn i noticed that this big 
fat lady sitting in front of me had her dress riding up in the crack 
of her hiney, so I thought it would be right neighborly to pull it out 
for her."  "Well, that explains one black eye, but hos did you get the 
other?"  "When we got up to sing that other hymn, why, I figured she 
wanted it in there so much that I tried to stuff it back in!"

2)  A preacher was delivering a rather dry sermon when he noticed that 
a member of his congregation was not only asleep but snoring like a 
bandsaw. "Brother," he said to the man sitting next to the snorer, 
"would you be so kind as to wake up that poor man sitting next to 
you?"  "What fer," said the parishioner, "I ain't the one that put him 
to sleep!"

3)  A revival preacher had set up a tent on the edge of a small town, 
only to be dismayed that only one man showed up.  He began to worry 
that all his trouble would be for naught, and asked the sole listener 
whether he should go on with it.  "Well," said the man, "I'm jist a 
farmer from Oklahoma, and I don't know much about such things, but if 
only one of my cows came up to the feeding trough why I'd go ahead & 
feed him."  Invigorated by the man's thoughtfulness, he proceeded to 
launch into the strongest fire-and-brimstone hellfire-and-damnation 
sermon of his career.  Mopping his brow after the show, he asked the 
man what he thought.  "Well," said the man, "I'm jist a farmer from 
Oklahoma, and I don't know too much about such things, but if only one 
of my cows came up to the feeding trough I surely wouldn't give all 
the feed to him!"

Want to become a minister?  Want to do weddings and funerals - 
legally? Simply put your name and address on one side of a postcard 
and put the address of the Universal Life Church, 601 Third Street, 
Modesto, CA  95351 on the other along with correct postage (19 cents 
for domestic mail) and mail it.
They'll make you a minister of their church and that's all it takes.
NO JOKE!

And remember, ministers do more than lay people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rush plays EIB's favorite promo for the show:

<<Sounds of a busy, noisy, traffic-filled street>>

<<Announcer>> During the average day, the average American is
lied to 73 times.

<<President Clinton>> I'm trying to put as many people in America
to work as possible.

<<Announcer>> Endures 60 minutes of acute stress.

<<President Clinton, speaking over a coughing, hacking
pedestrian>> Do you like the way Rush took up for Janet Reno,
though, the other night on his program? He only did it because
she was attacked by a black guy.

<<Announcer>> And 2 million Americans experience heartburn at
least once a day.

<<Molly Yard, outraged as usual>> And I tell you, we are not
going to obey the law in this country. Women will not! There will
be lawlessness everywhere!

<<Man screams in the background>>

<<Announcer>> Luckily, Rush Limbaugh gives fast relief. So while
there's a lot of things you can't change, you can change the way
you feel. In first-run and best-of, Rush spells "relief."

Phone Howard from Great Neck, NY (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
        SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP INSTRUCTION MANUAL
        ---------------------------------------------------

  Congratulations! You have just purchased the Spiffy Voom FAX 2001 MODEL
501SP! It not only allows you to send and receive faxes, it will take 
voice messages on the internal answering machine, make color photocopies 
of important documents like this manual, grill hot dogs, fry eggs, dry 
your hair, replace your alarm clock, and attend school or work on your 
behalf!

  Some of the options (hot dog grilling and egg frying) require the
Spiffy Voom CSPU20027-1 interface available for a modest fee of slightly 
less than the national debt.

        How to work the SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP:

  Plug it in. If it doesn't work, then you're obviously doing something 
wrong. Remove the plug from the outlet in your left ear and try plugging 
it into a wall socket while holding your other hand in a bowl of water. 
If several zillion volts of electricity course through your body, then  
the equipment is working satisfactorily.

  Turn it on. A red LED display will appear by the button that says 
"Answer." If the red LED display does not appear, we probably sold you a 
defective product but there's not much point in trying to return it since 
we'll simply ignore you until the warranty expires or Hell freezes over - 
whichever comes first.

  Hit the button that says "Fax." This will enable you to send faxes if 
the red LED display is on. If the red LED display is not on, pressing the
"Fax" button will probably cause the machine to explode and kill you.

  Programming numbers into your machine is accomplished by calling our 
customer service department who will explain it much better than a goon 
who's writing a manual about a product he understands nothing about.

        WARRANTY:

  The SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP is guaranteed to work for as long 
as the box remains sealed. Under no circumstances should you open the box 
but if you do, KEEP THIS PRODUCT AWAY FROM ELECTRICITY AT ALL TIMES.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Once upon a time three monks went into the florist business. One day a
few children ran into their yard and were eaten by a man-eating plant
the friars were growing. The parents of the children were insistent that
the plant be destroyed, but the friars refused. So many people tried to
get the friars to move away, but they refused that too. Finally, the
townspeople got the village blacksmith, Hugh, to run the friars straight
out of town. The moral of this story is: Hugh and only Hugh, can prevent
florist friars.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Little Johnny comes home from catholic school wit a black eye.
His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell
you not to fight with the other boys?"

  But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our
prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress
in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when
she hit me!

  "Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to
women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other
eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a
talk!"

  "But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in 
church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us 
had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next 
to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she 
doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Once this psychical investigator was examining a haunted house, when
suddenly a ghost appeared.  The investigator asked if he could take its
picture, and the ghost agreed.  Unfortunately, however, when the nega-
tives were developed they were blank.  It seems the spirit was willing
but the flash was weak.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   A math teacher said to her class, which was studying graphs, "I'll
only have enough time to help those of you who finish calculating your
figures early.  Remember, first sum, first curved."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
     There was a Indian cheif getting his checkup from the doctor. After
asking him a few questions, the doctor found that the chief had had 
insomnia for the last two weeks. Upon further questioning, he found out 
that 499 other braves also had the same problem. The doctor reserched a 
cure and became quite famous for ending the "Indian-Napless 500"

He runs for cover as the tomatos start flying...

     -Gremlin of Limeric-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are three people out in the desert, when one of them happens to 
trip over a magic lamp.  A genie comes swirling out  of the lamp and 
says that he will grant each person one wish.
The first confronts the genie and says,"Oh mighty genie, I wish for water."
THe genie grants his wish and a full canteen of cold water appears on 
his shoulder.
The second says,"Oh mighty genie, I wish for enough food for my trip."
Poof, a table with a three course meal appears from nothiing.
The third guy says,"Oh mighty genie, I wish for a car door."
The genie also grants his derranged wish.
The other two turn around and look at him, baffled."Now why did you go 
and do that."
He responds simply, "So I can roll down the window, of course."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
        Two poets died, one English and the other pollock. They were
standing in front of the pearly gate when St. Peter approached them with a
long face.
    "I have some bad news,"; says St. P.,"we only have room for one more
poet. One of you will be admitted to heaven, and the Other will be sent to
spend eternity in Hell. To make it fair, I will give you both a couple of
days to write a poem. The one writing the best poem will stay here in
Heaven. Oh, by the way, you have to use the word 'TIMBUKTU'."

        A few days later St. Peter came back to the two, and asked them for
their poems. The Englishman went first:

       "I traveled to a distant land,
       Of golden sun and burning sand.
       There, a caravan was passing through.
       Destination, Timbuktu."

"Very good, and now lets hear from the other."

The Pollock got up and began his recitation:

       "Tim and I a walking went
        Spied three Maidens in a tent.
        Them being three, and we being two;
        So, I bucked one, and Tim Bucked two!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The young father-to-be was quickly hurrying his expectant wife in to the
delivery room.  His head spinning with excitement, the only words that
came blurting out were....."Honey, are you sure you want to go through
with this?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A little girl told her mother she saw a big lion on the back porch
as she came in for supper.  The mother said, "Now, you know that is
a naughty story.  You saw a dog there.  When you say your prayers
tonight you ask God to forgive you."
 The next morning when she came down to breakfast her mother said,
" Did you ask God to forgive you?"  The little girl replied, "Yes
but He said it was all right, as He thought it was a lion when He
first saw it, too."  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Once upon the time it happend so that the Pope Of Rome died.  He
started his long walk up the stairs to heaven and finally he stood
before the pearly gates and knocked.  St Peter opened and said :

- Yes my good man ?
- Let me in, I'm the Pope Of Rome !
- Just a minute, my friend, St Peter answered.  I'll look you up in
  the directory.  Let's see... P..  Po..  No I'm afraid I can find
  you, so you'll have to go downstairs and check their instead.
- NO, the Pope shouted.  You must have made a mistake, I'm The Pope
  Of Rome.  You'll have to look again !
- We'll of course, if that's what you want....... No sorry but your
  not in the list.  And let me tell you we don't do mistakes up here.

  The Pope was getting very nervous now and then said

- I know, Please call the Lord and he'll know who I am.
- OK, St Peter said and lifted the telephone and dialed 1

- Hello Boss, St Peter said.  I have a man here who calls himself
  the Pope Of Rome, and he claims you know him.  Shall I let him
  in ?
- Pope Of Rome you said...  No, never heard of him, if he's not in
  the catalogue don't let him in !

   St Peter told the Pope the outcome, but the Pope refused to give
up.
- Then you must check with Jesus then.

  St Peter picked up the phone and dialed.
- Hi Sonny, do ya know a Guy calling himself The Pope ?
- Never heard of the Dude, Jesus replied.

    Upon hearing the bad news again, the Pope started screaming that
it was all a plot against him.  He begged St Peter to please let him in.
Upon being refused entry, he cried out;
- The Holy Ghost, please call the Holy Ghost !!!

  Well St Peter feeling sorry for the Pope did so.
- Hello Smokey.  I have a guy here who claims he knows you.  He calls
  himself The Pope Of Rome, does that ring a bell ?
- Pope, Pope, Pope, naaa don't think I've heard that name before...
  YES, Wait a minute, now I remember that's the dude who spread the
  absurd rumour about me and Virgin Mary !  Tell him to go to HELL !!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Unhappy at the state of Junior's room, his mother came up with a
new rule.  Each time she had to pick something up off the floor of his
room, Junior would have to pay her a dime.  At the end of the week, she
added up the chores and demanded ninety cents.  Junior paid her and
said, "Thanks, Ma.  Keep up the good work!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  He may be in "Who's Who", but he doesn't know what's what!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor.  To
check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked,
"What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a
battleship coming down the street?"
  The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
  "Where would you get the torpedo?"
  "The same place you got your battleship!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Competition for the market is keen among the New York
newspapers.  Not long ago, a famous actress was hospitalized.  Looking
for a scoop, the POST sent a lady reporter out to get the story.  She
was to dress up as a nurse, sneak into the hospital, and interview the
actress.
  The next day the reporter returned to the office.  Her editor
asked, "Did you get the story?"
  The lady reporter said, "No.  I got thrown out by the doctor
from the DAILY NEWS!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A rather obese lady licked up the last drop of a sundae and
walked over to the drugstore scale.  Putting in a penny, she was aghast
at the reading.   She took off her coat, put another penny in the scale,
and weighed herself again.  Not too happy, she removed her hat and
shoes.   She put in another penny and still received no reading that
pleased her.   A young boy who'd been watching her said, "Don't stop
now.  I got a pocketful of pennies!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my 
cast!

  Karate makes sense.  If you practice breaking boards in half, you'll be
able to protect yourself the next time a board attacks you!

  I have a black belt in karate.  It's not that I'm good.  It's just that
I never wash it!

  Did you hear of the poor black-belt karate champ who broke his hand 
trying to cut a Christmas fruitcake in half?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about
the sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to
read Mark 17."  The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his
sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.  He wanted to know how
many had read Mark 17.  Every hand went up.  The minister smiled and
said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.  I will now proceed with my sermon
on the sin of lying."

  He can lie without moving his lips!

  She doesn't exaggerate.  She just remembers big!

  The way he handles the truth, he could work for the weather bureau!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Oh, for the good old days when tires weren't belted and kids were!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Famous last words in Las Vegas....Give me the money I told you not to 
give me!

  I went to Las Vegas last week for laughs.  In one day I laughed away my
car!

  In Las Vegas they give you odds you'll never get even!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people are so lazy they....
  -go through revolving doors on other people's pushes!
  -have a great way of starting a day.  They go back to bed!
  -don't walk in their sleep.  They hitchhike!
  -would sit back and complain about the noise if opportunity knocked.
  -put popcorn in their pancake mix so they'll turn over by themselves!
  -take a vacation from a job they don't even have!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A promising graduate student was taking his PhD finals.  He proceeded
through a derivation of this thesis and ended up with something like

        F - -MA

Naturally, he was embarrassed, his supervising professor was embarrassed,
and the rest of the committee was embarrassed.  The student coughed and
said, "I seem to have a slight error back there somewhere."

One of the mathematicians observed dryly, "Either that, or an odd
number of them!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  There was a town whose main industry was a chicken processing plant out
at the edge of town.  One day the chickens just weren't coming out
right and no one at the plant had any idea what was wrong.  They had
checked everything.  In desperation, they went to the dean of the local
college and asked if he could recommend a consultant.  He answered,
"Oh, I'd recommend Dr. Von Herrin of the Physics department.  He's our
best man.  If you can be helped, he can help you."

So they contacted Dr. Von Herrin and explained their problem.  He
agreed to help and said he would come out the next day to collect
data.  They said they would cooperate completely.

The next day they showed him around the plant.  He asked a few
questions and took lots of notes in his little notebook.  The next
afternoon, he called and said he had a few more questions and would be
out in the morning.  Dr. Von Herrin arrived in the morning, asked a few
more questions and they supplied the answers.  As it was Friday, he
said that he would have his analysis completed over the weekend and to
schedule a meeting for 10 am Monday.

Promptly at 10, Dr. Von Herrin arrived.  All the managers were eagerly
waiting to hear his results.  Standing at the blackboard, Dr. Von
Herrin began his lecture.  "Before you can understand the solution to a
problem, you must first know exactly what assumptions went into the
solution.  First, assume a homogeneous spherical chicken."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  There was a statistician who was desperately afraid to fly because of
the possibility of a bomb on the airplane.  He did a great deal of
research and found that there had never been *two* bombs on an airplane.
So, he just took a bomb with him when flying.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend who's divorcing and back "on the market" says he's had it 
with personal ads and computer dating services.  He's gonna call the 
Arkansas State Police and tell 'em Bill sent him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
APPLICATION TO BE A CO-MODERATOR OF THE FIDONET HUMOR ECHO
----------------------------------------------------------

NAME: _______________________________________________________

FIDONET NODE #: ___________________ IQ: _

TOPICS YOU FIND UNSUITABLE FOR JOKES:
 **
 ** Celebrities accused of having sex with minors.
 **
 ** Homosexual sex.
 **
 ** Heterosexual sex.
 **
 ** Sex with animals, inanimate objects, aliens.
 **
 ** Steve Winter.
 **
 ** Priests, nuns, rabbis, Jehovah's Witnesses.
 **
 ** Dyslexics, stutterers, "no arms, no legs."
 **
 ** Women in general, blondes in particular, Madonna.
 **
 ** Violence (including Arnie jokes).
 **
 ** Any joke with swearing in it.

TOPICS YOU DEEM SUITABLE FOR JOKES:
 **
 ** Elephants.
 **
 ** Agnostics.
 **
 ** Other: (please specify) _________________________________
 **
 ** None.

NUMBER OF YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN HUMOR-IMPAIRED: _______________

HAS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR BEEN SURGICALLY REMOVED? Yes __ No __
(If your answer is no, your application will automatically
be refused until such a time as you can provide documentation
proving that your sense of humor no longer exists)

NUMBER OF PEOPLE YOU EXPECT TO SEND WARNINGS TO PER DAY: _____
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO ALREADY DESPERATELY HATE YOU: ___________
HIGHEST NUMBER THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY COUNT UP TO: _
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's one for those who hate jargon:
While working on a FMEA an EE from IEEE called to ask about FMVSS-124 
spec's. So I grabbed my SAE file ASAP and hopped an the MAX to IBM. On 
the way I saw some friends from ASME who had been at the CIM show. 
They saw FEA running on NT, and UNIX on a PC running CAD. Only problem 
is that their CAM only runs in DOS. Anyway it turns out that the EE 
was asking for an ME at GM who had a PE but didn't know FMVSS well. So 
we swapped stories about CE's and IE's trying to understand SPC.

BTW, *none* of that was true!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Mr. and Mrs. McKee, vacationing in Rome, were being shown
through the Colosseum.
  "Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed
to fight the lions."
  "But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired Mr. McKee.
  "Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Three Englishmen stopped at a restaurant for a spot of tea.  The
waiter appeared with pad and pencil.
  "I'll have a glass of weak tea," ordered the first.
  "I'll have tea, too," said the second, "but very strong with two
pieces of lemon."
  "Tea for me, too, please," said the third.  "but be sure the
glass is absolutely clean."
  In a short time the waiter was back with the order.  "All
right," he asked, "which one gets the clean glass?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to
talk to you about my husband.  He thinks he's a refrigerator."
  "That's not so bad," said the doctor.  "It's a rather harmless
complex."
  "Well, maybe," replied the lady.  "But he sleeps with his mouth
open and the light keeps me awake."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Recently our speaker had to discontinue several of his long talks on 
account of his throat.   Several people threatened to cut it.

  You have heard it said before that this speaker needs no introduction. 
Well, I have heard him and he needs all the introduction he can get.

  You haven't heard nothing until you've heard our speaker of the 
evening.  Then you've heard nothing.

Our speaker needs no introduction.   What he needs is a conclusion.

  Our speaker will not bore you with a long speech...he can do it with a 
short one.

  At the place our speaker last spoke, he drew a line three blocks long. 
But then the police took his chalk away.

  You've been a wonderful audience...you stayed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Nothing is more exasperating than getting in the lane behind a person 
who is observing the speed limit.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Two Smogarians were dragging a deer through the woods by its
tail when they ran across another hunter.
  "It would be easier," said the hunter, "if you would drag the
deer by the antlers instead of the tail.   Then he won't get caught on
all the bushes."
  The two Smogarians did as the hunter suggested.  After about an
hour of dragging the deer by the antlers, one Smogarian said to the
other, "This is sure a lot easier."
  "Yeah," said the second Smogarian, "But I think we are going in
the wrong direction."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Nothing is as embarrassing as watching your boss do something you 
assured him couldn't be done.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and
took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few
hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.
He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters
look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.
    When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to
the other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"
    The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.
    "How's that?"
    "You saw how fast he dropped that man he was carring, didn't ya?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  How does and elephant get down from a tree?
A:  He gets on a leaf and waits till fall comes.

Q:  Why did the elephant have 3 white and 1 yellow tennis shoe(s)?
A:  He forgot to hike his leg.

Q:  What did Tarzan say to Jane when He saw the elephants comming over 
    the hill?
A:  Look Jane, the elephants are coming over the hill.

Q:  As the elephants came over the hill, what did they say as they saw
    Tarzan and Jane?
A:  Look there's Jane but who is that with her?  Tarzan was wearing 
    Foster Grants, they did not recognize him.

Q:  What time is it when you see an elephant sitting of a fence?
A:  Time to get a new fence.

Q:  What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish,  clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?
A:  The elephant with 3 white and 1 yellow tennis shoe(s).

Q:  What is the black stuff between an elephants toes?
A:  Slow pigmies.

Q:  Elephants are great players of hide-n-seek.  Have you ever see an
    elephant in a cherry tree?
A:  No?  Hide preety good don't they?

Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refridgerator?
A: He leaves his footprints in the butter

Q: How do you fit six elephants in a volkswagon bug?
A: Three in the back two in the front and one in the glove compartment.

Q: How do you fit six giraffes in a Volkswagen bug?
A: First you have to take out the elephants...

Q: Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, round, and white, you'd mistake them for
   aspirin.

Q: How do you talk to an elephant?
A: Use big words.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas a Trekkie Gave to Me...
12 Tribbles Tripling
11 Borg Assimilating
10 Odos Oozing
9 Vedeks Plotting
8 Ferengi Cheating
7 Phasers Firing
6 Klingons Fighting
5 Golden Orbs
4 Runabouts
3 Bajoran Babes
2 Cardassians
...and a cup of Earl Gray Tea...

Next up: Kira the Red-Haired Major...

Tyrannosaurus Dex
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
     For Better Communication
     
     Having chosen english as the preferred language in the EEC, the  
European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of  
improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
     European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is 
unnecessary difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through, and 
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of change to iron 
out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a 
committee staff at top level by participating nations.
     In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 
's' instead of a soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would 
reseive the news with joy. Then the hard 'c' would be replased by 'k' 
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up 
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made 
with one less letter.
     There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was 
anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written as 'f'.   
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
     In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be 
expekted to reash the stage where some komplikated shanges are possible. 
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have 
always been a deterent to akurate speling.
     We would al agre that the horrible mes of silent 'e's in the languag
is disgrasful. Therfor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as 
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the 
skem began and peopl would be reseptiv to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' 
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v' vitsh is, 
after al half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kuld be dropd 
from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to 
ozer kombinations of leters.
     Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli 
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, 
difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of 
de guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
EIB's new condom commercial, done in the style of the Clinton 
administration's ads:

<<Bill Clinton, as sensual sax music plays softly in the
background>> I want you . . . I want to hold you for month. I'm
going to talk until I don't have a voice. I love just being alone
together with you. We need to wait, though, until the time is
right. <<yells to his wife>> Hey, Hillary, when do the statute of
limitations run out on this thing?

<<Announcer>> Whenever you're in trouble, deny everything and
create a diversion. And do it . . . every time!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                           A SMILE

         A SMILE costs nothing, but it creates much.
                It enriches those who receive
            without impoverishing those who give.
                   It happens in a flash,
        and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
    None are so rich that they can get along without it,
      and none are so poor but are richer for a smile.
              It creates happiness in the home,
               fosters goodwill in a business,
             and is the countersign of friends.
                  It is rest to the weary,
                daylight to the discouraged,
                    sunshine to the sad,
           and nature's best antidote for trouble.
      It cannot be bought, begged, borrowed or stolen,
   for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody
                   till it is given away.
                   And if it ever happens
  that some people should be too tired to give you a SMILE,
                 why not leave one of yours?
              For nobody needs a SMILE so much
            as those who have none left to give.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  This is a story about our local California Dept of Fish & Game who 
wanted to adapt a whole new type of fish for our mountain lakes and 
streams. So....

  They first imported from Washington state some Coho Salmon and tried 
introducing them into our lakes and steams. Well... they were kinda boney
and the fisherman's wives didn't like having to clean them and they 
weren't very good eating anyway so they thought they'd try something 
entirely new.

  So, they thought they'd try cross breeding them with some Walleye's, a 
famous northern states fighting fish and they decided to call this new 
fish a Kowal.

  Welll....the this new fish was still kinda boney...was slow and 
sluggish in fighting the lines on the fishing poles and overall just 
didn't adapt very well to our climate so they decided to try 
crossbreeding one last time. So...

  They got ahold of some Norski's, a TRULY great fighting fish from 
Minnesota, and crossbred this with the old Cowall's. Well........

  They call this new fish a Kowalski....but now they gotta teach the dumb 
SOB how to swim!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  An oldish couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to
decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and
put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not
home.
  The father's plan was: "If out son takes the money, he will be a
businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if
he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
  So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet.
Peeping through  the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw
the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at
it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took
the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the
bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality.
Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
  The father slapped his forehead, and said:
  "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This disclaimer should be standard for ALL computer related
pheripherals! Right after the following paragraph:

    No warranties above and beyond those renumerated herein shall be
considered valid or applicable under the laws of any jurisdiction other
than that of the manufacturer; nor shall the distributor of said product
be entitled to offer such warranty, whether limited to the value of
product or services herein contained, or to a greater value which the
domain of the distributor may apply, nor shall any power or authority be
transferred in respect to the copyrights or patent of the product without
proper authorization of the copyright/patent holders, nor shall any
individual have or seek to have ownership rights to this product
irregardless of considerations given and received without the express
permission of God Almighty, received and duly recorded in writing and
sworn to before a Notary Public at the manufacturer's address of
record.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A letter from Mrs. Audrey Shepherd to the TIMES of London, published
March 24, 1986:

        "Sir, I have done 24 jobs in the last 35 years....housekeeper,
cook, cleaner, chauffeur, mother's helper, kennel maid, laundry maid,
valet, shoe shine girl, window cleaner, dressmaker, upholsterer,
gardener, concrete mixer, painter, decorator, plasterer, carpenter,
plumber's mate, shorthand typist, telephonist, receptionist, bookkeeper,
car park attendant, and, incidentally, all for one boss, my husband."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that John Bobbet has a new job?
Yeah, he works for Snap-On Tools.
(cymbal crash here)

Lorena Bobbett has taken up golf.....
...she wants to work on her slice.
(cymbal crash)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son:  Do you think a man has more sense after he is married?
Father:  Yes, but it's too late then.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctors say that if you eat slowly you eat less.
You certainly will if you are a member of a large family.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five.  You got a problem with that?

Q:  How many performance artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to hold the giraffe and two to fill the bathtub with
    brightly colored power tools.

Q:  How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Six.  One to screw it in and five to stand around saying, "I can
    do that."

Q:  How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark and go
    blind...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A young man took his girlfriend out to a restaurant.   After the meal 
he was studying the bill at some length, and his girl observed him with 
concern.  "Gary," she asked, "you look sick.
Is it something I ate?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The colonel's Daughter may have been rotten to the corps but she was 
great to the navy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
    There are these two guys driving a car.  When the guy driving blows
right through the red light.  "Man, you just ran that red light!",the
passenger said. "Don't worry,my brother does it all the time,"said the
driver.  Well,they cont. to drive when the guy went flying through
another stop light. "You ran ANOTHER stop light.  You are going to get
us killed!!!"exclaimed the passenger.  "Don't worry,my brother does it
all the time."the driver said.  After a while they came to a green light
when the guy stopped.  "why are you stopping?"  the driver turned around
and said,"Because my brother might be coming!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A big wooly dog named Lee
Had a host of friends to see,
    So he paced the street
    On all four feet
But visited mostly on three.


There was a young lady named Rose,
With erogenous zones in her toes.
    She remained onanistic
    Till a foot-fetichistic
Young man became one of her beaux.


There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who exclaimed to his girl, "You're a tight one."
    She said, "Slap your face.
    You're in the wrong place.
There's plenty of room in the right one!"


A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
    But he made members weep
    For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.


Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
    Some people say
    Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha it doesin'.


A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
    Said the waiter, "Don't shout
    And wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."


There was a young man from Kilbryde
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
    His heart-broken brother
    Fell into another,
And now they're interred side by side.


There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.
    Said the County Surveyou,
    "Of course you must pay her;
You've altered the line of her frontage."


There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
    He fell on his cutlass
    Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.


And then there's a story that's fraught
With disaster - of balls that got caught,
    When a chap took a crap
    In the woods, and a trap
Underneath ... Oh, I can't bear the thought!


Said Einstein, "I have an equasion
Which science might call Rabelaisian.
    Let P be virginity
    Approaching infinity,
And U be a constant, persuasion.

"Now if P over U be inverted
And the square root of U be inserted
    X times over P,
    The result, Q.E.D.
Is a relative," Einstein asserted.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow
man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his
paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just
reading here that the Pope does."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time...  Answered!

 10.  How do I know anything really exists?
         -Kick it *really* hard.

  9.  What is the essence of being human?
         -Not understanding the opposite sex.

  8.  If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to
      hear it, does it make a sound?
         -Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

  7.  How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a
      computer simulation of life?
         -Look in the mirror.  If you see a gray, spongy
          thing in a glass container, you are.

  6.  Can our minds exist separately from our bodies?
         -If they could, we'd just send our minds to work and
         sleep in every morning.

  5.  Is there a God?
         -A billion Hindus can't be wrong.

  4.  What is the nature of Knowledge?
         -I'm still trying to figure out the nature of
         _college_.

  3.  What is the meaning of life?
         -All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.

  2.  Why get a Philosophy degree?
         -It's more respectable than a theater degree, but
         you still get to drink lots of espresso.

  1.  So, was Kant on drugs or what?
         -Probably.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foreign legion officer: "Sir, a letter was just sent to us reporting a
severe water shortage at Outpost 132!"
Commandant: "Oh, they're probably just exaggerating."
Officer: "I don't think so, sir.  The stamp was held on with a paper
clip!"

   Then there's the boy stamp collector, who was upset because, every
time he bought a stamp for his collection, the kid next door would buy
one just like it for HIS collection.
   "Don't get upset, son," said the boy's father.  "Imitation is the
sincerest form of philately!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was only an artist's daughter, but she knew where to draw the line.
She was only a bus driver's daughter, but she knew where to get off.
She was only an architect's daughter, but she knew all the angles.
She was only a fisherman's daughter, but when she saw my rod she reeled.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waitress: This is blended coffee.
Customer: Blended coffee?
Waitress: Yes, today's and yesterday's.

Customer: Is this tea or coffee?
Waitress: What does it taste like?
Customer: Turpentine.
Waitress: Then it's coffee.  The tea tastes like kerosene.

Customer: I want a change.
Waitress: A change, sir?
Customer: Yes, a change.  If this is coffee then I want tea, and if this
          is tea then bring me coffee.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge: Have you ever been up before me?
Defendant: I don't know, Your Honor, what time do you get up?

Judge: The jury has declared you innocent.
Defendant: Does that mean I get to keep the watch?

Judge: Have you ever done anything for society?
Defendant: Well, I've kept several detectives working regularly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Johnny, can you tell me where the Hungarian border is?
Johnny: In the park with my aunt, and my mother doesn't like it!

Father: Susan, why are you late?
Susan: I had to stay after school because I couldn't tell the teacher
       where the Azores are.
Father: Well, in future, remember where you put things.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor to patient: On this diet, you can eat whatever you like.  Now
here's a list of things you're going to like.

Other doctor to patient: "It's a fascinating theory, Mr. Cosgrove, but I
seriously doubt that the CIA is sneaking into your house at night and
placing food in your mouth."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A cop stopped a woman who was speeding down Interstate 90.  "Do you
realize you were going 90 miles an hour?" he asked.
  "I'm sorry, officer," replied the woman.  "I saw the `90' and thought
it was the speed limit."
  "Lady," said the cop, "I'm sure glad I caught you before you reached
Route 137!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two supposedly senile men were committed to an institutional
home near the sea.  They were taken out one morning for a walk,
accompanied by an attendant, Albert.  As they strolled along the shore,
a seagull flew low and dropped a blob of excrement, which landed right
on top of the bald head of one of the elders.  Albert saw what happened
and said in great concern, "Wait right here.  I'll get some toilet
paper."
  As the attendant ran toward the building, one elder turned to
the other, pointed toward Albert, and said, "He's a darned fool.  That
seagull will be a mile away by the time albert gets back with the toilet
paper."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A visitor to the Philadelphia Zoo asked a keeper, "Is that a
male or a female hippopotamus?"
  The keeper replied, "That, madam, is something that should be of
interest only to another hippopotamus."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The bald headed barber was trying to sell his customer a bottle of
hair tonic........."But how can you sell this stuff when you yourself
are bald?" challenged the customer.
"Nothing wrong with that!" came the reply. "There are 10,000 guys
selling brassieres!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  An insurance agent was teaching his daughter how to drive when the
brakes of their car failed on a steep downhill grade.
     "I can't stop!" shrieked the daughter. "What'll I do now?"
"Brace yourself," her father advised, "and try to hit something cheap."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The minister and his bride of three weeks sat down at the supper
table, and she folded her hands and bowed her head, waiting for him
to bless the food.  Gazing at the casserole dish she had made out of
some leftovers, he murmured, "It seems to me that I've asked the Lord
to bless a good deal of this supper before."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Are there any programs to help me with bookmaking?

Sure Sean, there are wide variety of software titles for activities
such as bookmaking, loan sharking, protection, numbers, prostitution,
drug running, and planning hits.

For bookmaking, nothing can beat Claris "MacBook".  It offers the
usual features, such as a networked odds server, modem wagering,
and automatic beeper notification of line moves.  But the software
is not the reason this is the bestseller: the documentation
and media (3.5", 5.25") are all made out of flash paper!

Lotus has just introduced release 2.3 of "HoPro", a complete package
for managing a stable of from two to 300 ladies.  Simple to use
windows allow you to track pyscho johns, budget fishnet stocking
purchases, and identify bitches holdin' out.  This latest release
features improved clinic scheduling.

Finally, there is a little-known shareware jewel for planning
effective hits.  "WhackPlus!", by Gino Valentini
(gino@wiseguy.brklyn.com),
takes a troublesome chore and makes it easy, with a graphical
display of the whackee's daily movements and complete database
containing the ideal caliber-to-body weight ratios.  Registration
and documentation is $50, but Gino is willing to barter a
knee-capping or equivalent as payment.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Ernest and Herbert were religious doubters, but they had a
little bit of faith.  They agreed that the one who died first would make
every effort to communicate with the other.  Herbert was the first to
"depart."  For many months, Ernest kept alert, hoping to hear from him.
Finally, one night he awoke from a deep sleep and heard a familiar voice
calling, "Ernest!  Ernest!"
  "Herbert!" cried Ernest.  "You've done it! I heard you!  Tell
me, what's it like?"
  "Well," said Herbert, "it's not bad. I'm in a very comfortable,
calm, dark place.  After enjoying sleep, I come out and eat in beautiful
green meadows.  Then I have a little sex and go back into my dark
comfort.   After a lovely sleep, again I feel hungry, so I have some
more lovely green food to eat, and then a little sex, and then back
again to sleep."
  "Golly," said Ernest, "so that's what Heaven is like!"
  "Heaven?  said Herbert.   "Who said I was in Heaven?  I'm a
rabbit in Altoona, Pa."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody
nose, black eye, and torn clothing.  It was obvious he'd been in a bad
fight and lost.   While his father was patching him up, he asked his son
what happened.
  "Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel.  And,
you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
  "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
  "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  An 81-year-old woman, an alumna of a fine school, was asked by a
younger alumna to make a contribution to their school's fund-raising
campaign.  The older woman said she'd be glad to make a gift.
  "That's wonderful!  Would you like to make that into a pledge
over three years?"
  "A pledge?" said the elderly woman.  "Why, at my age I don't
even buy green bananas anymore."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A moderately religious family owned, enjoyed, but was somewhat
embarrassed by a parrot that swore a lot.  They only truly minded it on
Sundays.  The parrot was trained not to talk when its cage was covered,
so on Sundays they kept the cage covered all day long.
  However, one Wednesday the family was surprised by an afternoon
call from their pastor.   Before they welcomed him into the parlor, one
of the children rushed to put the cover on the cage.  The pastor
entered, and they all were enjoying tea.....until there was a brief lull
in the talk, when a voice was heard from under the covered cage:
"Damned short week!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A deaf old lady had a tendency to shout when she went to
confession.   When the priest asked her to speak more quietly, since
everyone in the church could hear, she shouted, "What did you say?"  So
he carefully told her that she should write down what she had to say, in
advance.
  At her next confession, she knelt and handed a piece of paper to
the priest.  He looked at it and said, "What is this?  It looks like a
grocery list."
  "Mother of God!" said the lady.  "I must have left my sins at
the A&P!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
        The assistant pastor of a fundamentalist Christian church was
teaching some children the Sunday School lesson before the main
service.  He decided to enliven things a bit by posing them a riddle:
"What is it that collects nuts for winter, climbs trees, and has a bushy
tail?"
        An eager youngster waved her hand.  The pastor called on her.
"Well," she said, "I know the answer's supposed to be Jesus, but it sure
sounds like a squirrel to me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A small girl was reprimanded by her mother for laughing while
saying her bedtime prayers.
  "It's okay, Mom," she replied.  "I was just sharing a joke with God."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  In a large, empty, silent church, the priest was hearing
confessions.  At the back of the church the janitor was polishing
brasses and replacing candles.  He could hear everything that was being
said.
  A man came in and went into the confession booth and said,
sadly, "Oh, Father, I have sinned three times."  And then there was a
mumbled recital of the sins.   Then the priest said, "My son, your sins
are forgiven.  Now, if you'll just put $5 into the collection box, that
will be fine."
  Next was a woman.  "Oh, Father, I have sinned three
times".....and again the mumbled recital, forgiveness, and the priest
saying, "Now if you'll just put $5 into the collection box, that will be
fine."
  Soon another man came in, "Oh, Father, he said contritely, "I
have sinned twice."  Before he could go on, the janitor stated audibly
from the back, "Go out and sin again, brother.  Special today, three
sins for $5."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Some years ago, when mules were still widely used, a visitor to
a stable watched a worker skillfully managing a rather lively mule.
The visitor asked, "Does that mule ever kick you?"
  "No, sir," the stable hand replied, "but he frequently kicks the
place where I recently was."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A politician who didn't speak well asked his friend for advice.
His friend said, "You should start with a question....like, `Why are we
all here?'"
  The politician tried out the idea before various audiences, and
it went well....until he somehow got persuaded to speak to the inmates
of an insane asylum.  He began in his usual way, "Why are we all here?"
  Quick as a flash came back a reply from a voice in the audience:
"Because we aren't all there."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Mother and father rabbit were talking about the children after
they had been put to bed.  "Why was Junior so happy his evening?" asked
father rabbit.
  "Well," explained mother rabbit, "he had a marvelous time at
school.  He learned to multiply."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get
tired answering the same questions over and over.  One time an English
tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly
questions.  They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn
with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?"
  "Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier."
  The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see
any glacier."
  "Oh, really?" said the guide.  "I guess it has gone back for
more rocks."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The Church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay
their expenses for a special trip.  They made a large sign, CAR
WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very
good.  But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the ran poured and
there were hardly any customers.  Finally, one of the girl
washers had an idea.  She printed a very large poster which
said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES.

  Business boomed!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The Stupidest Thing I Ever Did

   When I was about seventeen, working on my uncle's farm near
 Bedford Pennsylvania, we were travelling on the country roads to another
 farm.  It was deer season (a national holiday in Pennsylvania) and my
 uncle had his loaded 30-30 sitting between us (stock on the seat, barrel
 on the floor) in the Ford pickup truck, in case he saw a deer while
 driving.  Since it is illegal to have a loaded firearm in a vehichle my
 uncle said, "You better take some of those shells out in case a game
 warden stops us."  I took the lever action rifle and ejected several of
 the shells, but left a few in the rifle, just in case we saw a deer.  I
 set the rifle back down and my uncle said, "You know you left that
 cocked."

  * * For those of you that don't know, on this lever action rifle, when
  you work the lever, the hammer is pushed back and it is ready to fire
  as soon as the trigger is pulled.  To put the safety on, you hold the
  hammer with your thumb, squeeze the trigger, gently let the hammer
  down part way, release the trigger, and it is on safety. * * *

   Since I was the passenger the gun was on my left (I'm right
  handed).  I reached down with my left hand, held the hammer with my
  left thumb, squeezed the trigger with my left index finger, and left
  the hammer slip...     ...with my left thumb.

   The noise was terriffic!  The barrel was resting against the
floorboard, pieces of floormat flew everywhere causing minor cuts on
our faces, and the bullet went through floorboard, the bell housing,
and hit the flywheel.  From that time on, whenever you left the clutch
pedal out the truck would start with a lurch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet.  The 
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the 
starvation diet) or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) 
or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three 
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. 
Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that 
you've got a gland problem?  Or is there a slim hope?  Such is the 
Infants' Miracle Diet.

Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year 
olds are trim.  It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a 
carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.  After consultation with 
pediatricians, X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to 
formulate this new diet.  It is inexpensive, offers great variety and 
sufficient quantity. Before  embarking on the diet however, be sure to 
check with your doctor, otherwise you might have to see him afterward.

FIRST DAY:

Breakfast:  One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. 
Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. 
Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch:  Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a 
glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner:  A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips of stale beer.
Before Bedtime:  toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

SECOND DAY:

Breakfast:  Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat.  Drink half 
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch:  Half a tube of Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be 
eaten not smoked).  Ice cube if desired.
After Lunch:  lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside and 
drop in the dirt.  Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean 
again.  Bring it inside and drop it on the rug.
Dinner:  A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your 
left nostril.  Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

THIRD DAY:

Breakfast:  Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub 
fingers in hair.  Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in 
glass.  After breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put 
on cushion of your best chair.
Lunch:  Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit several 
bites onto the floor.  Pour milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner:  Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.

LAST DAY:

Breakfast:  a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an 
olive, pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. 
When cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch:  Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet, Find 
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner:  A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on 
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents.
He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was
generally helpful and obedient.  But one morning, for some reason, he
came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood.   When his mother served
him prunes, he snarled, "I don't want prunes," and he refused to eat
them.
  His parents were aghast, and his father said, "Robert, you know
that God commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will
punish those who do not."
  But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and
the prunes were put in the refrigerator.
  A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great
roars and flashes of lightning.  "Ah, wonderful," said Robert's mother,
"this will teach him a lesson."
  Robert came back down the stairs, went into the kitchen and
opened the fridge.  From there, just after another flash and roar, the
boy's voice was heard saying, "Heck of a fuss to make about a few stupid
prunes."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and
at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming:  "If
you're weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and
come into the revival tent."
  Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one:  "If NOT
weary, call 876-3550."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A candidate for city council was doing some door-to-door
campaigning, and things were going pretty well, he thought, till he came
to the house of a grouchy-looking fellow.   After the candidate's little
speech, the fellow said, "Vote for YOU?  Why I'd rather vote for the
Devil!"
  "I understand," said the candidate.  "But in case your friend is
not running, may I count on your support?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Most people will frankly admit that they felt great nervousness
before making a speech.   A well-known British bishop once told his
audience, "I feel rather like a swan."
  The audience laughed, but was a bit puzzled.
  The bishop continued, "I look all calm and serene on the
surface, but I'm paddling like the dickens underneath."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Possibly some of you remember the antics of George Burns and
Gracie Allen, the comedy team who played the endlessly patient husband
and the scatterbrained wife.

  A true story about Gracie Allen....at least it's said to be
true....recounts that a repairman, called in to fix her electric clock,
said, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged
in."
  Gracie replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only
plug it in when I want to know what time it is."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A high-school student came home from school seeming rather
depressed.
  "What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
  "Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks.   They're all wet."
  "What do you mean `all wet?'"
  "I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The priest was administering the last rites to a critically ill
Irishman.   Before anointing the man, the priest asked, "Do you renounce
the world, the flesh, and the Devil?"
  The Irishman replied:  "I think in my condition this is no time
to offend anyone."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs

What sign were you born under?
        QUIET...
        HOSPITAL ZONE
Sign outside house in the city:
        TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED
        TO THE FULL EXTENT OF ONE
        GERMAN SHEPHERD
Sign outside a house in Sussex, England:
        BEWARE OF OWNER...
        NEVER MIND THE DOG
Sign on Garbage Truck:
        SATISFACTION GUARANTEED...
        OR DOUBLE YOUR GARBAGE BACK
Sign in front of clock repair shop:
        CUCKOO CLOCKS
                PSYCHOANALYZED CHEAP
Sign outside school:
        FITE ILLETERACY   (Fight Illiteracy)
Signs in store windows:
        DON'T BE FOOLED BY IMITATORS GOING
        OUT OF BUSINESS.  WE HAVE BEEN
        GOING OUT OF BUSINESS LONGER THAN
        ANYONE IN TOWN.

        DON'T GO ANYWHERE ELSE AND BE
        ROBBED....TRY US!
Sign on newly-mown lawn:
        YOUR FEET ARE KILLING ME
Sign in front of ice cream store:
        YOU CAN'T BEAT OUR MILK, BUT YOU
        CAN LICK OUR ICE CREAM CONES
Sign on dentist's houseboat:
        OFFSHORE DRILLING
Sign in front of a record shop:
        RECORDS FOR SALE, FOR SALE, FOR
        SALE........
Signs outside music store:
        GONE CHOPIN.  BACH IN A MINUET.

        OUT TO LUNCH.  USUALLY BACH BY
        ONE.  OFFENBACH SOONER.
Sign outside of planetarium:
        CAST OF THOUSANDS...
        EVERY ONE A STAR
Billboard on road:
        BELT YOUR FAMILY
        AND SAVE THEIR LIVES
Sign in front of a garage:
        MAY WE HAVE THE NEXT DENTS?
Sign outside tailor shop:
        DON'T STAND OUTSIDE AND FAINT
        ...COME INSIDE AND HAVE A FIT!
Sign on dairy truck:
        FROM MOO TO YOU
        IN AN HOUR OR TWO
Sign in a supermarket:
        PRICES ARE BORN HERE
        AND RAISED ELSEWHERE
Sign in front of magic shop:
        DISAPPEARED FOR LUNCH
Sign at a bank:
        JESUS SAVES - WHY CAN'T YOU?
Sign in realtor's office:
        LOTS FOR LITTLE
Sign in shoe store:
        COME IN AND HAVE A FIT
Sign in a maternity clothes store:
        WE ARE OPEN ON LABOR DAY
Sign on door of maternity ward:
        PUSH - PUSH - PUSH
Sign in a non-smoking area:
        IF WE SEE YOU SMOKING
        WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE
        AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION
Sign at entrance of the IRS:
        WATCH YOUR STEP
Sign in a book store:
        WE TREAT YOU WRITE
Sign on front door:
        EVERYONE ON THE PREMISES
        IS A VEGETARIAN EXCEPT THE DOG
Sign in an optometrist's office:
        IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR,
        YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE
Sign in a taxidermist's window:
        WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF
Sign in a podiatrist's window:
        TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS
Sign in a butcher's window:
        LET ME MEAT YOUR NEEDS

        PLEASED TO MEAT YOU

Sign on used car lot:
        SECOND HAND CARS
        IN FIRST CRASH CONDITION
Sign in a car dealership office:
        THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET...
        MISS A CAR PAYMENT
Sign in a muffler shop:
        NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY
        WE'LL HEAR YOU COMING
Sign on fence:
        SALESMEN WELCOME
        DOG FOOD IS EXPENSIVE
Sign at a hotel:
        HELP!
        WE NEED INN-EXPERIENCED PEOPLE
Sign in Acapulco hotel:
        THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY
        PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE
Sign in a science teacher's room:
        IF IT MOVES, IT'S BIOLOGY
        IF IT STINKS, IT'S CHEMISTRY
        IF IT DOESN'T WORK, IT'S PHYSICS
Sign at the dry cleaner's window:
        DROP YOU PANTS HERE
Sign in a Norwegian lounge:
        LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
        HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR
Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:
        BE BACK IN 5 MINUTES
        SIT!  STAY!
Sign in beauty shop window:
        DYE NOW,  GRAY LATER
Sign at a computer store:
        OUT FOR A QUICK BYTE
Sign in a bowling alley:
        PLEASE BE QUIET
        WE NEED TO HEAR A PIN DROP
Sign in hardware store in Oregon:
        TODAY'S SPECIAL
        SO'S TOMORROW
Sign on restaurant window:
        GREAT FOOD
        (50,000 FLIES CAN'T BE WRONG)
Sign in Maine restaurant:
        OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS
Sign in a sandwich shop:
        OUR TONGUE SANDWICHES
        SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES
Sign on billboard facing road in front of funeral home:
        DRIVE CAREFULLY
        WE'LL WAIT
Sign in a window:
        MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS FOR SALE
        (Sign in the window next door) HURRAY!
Sign on the road:
        MEN SHOULD BE WORKING!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
        January, 1994-ORLANDO SENTINEL Dave Barry's Humor Article,

                 "NOT EVEN DRESS SHIRTS ARE SAFE FROM CRIME"

  Americans are very upset about crime.  It has become such a problem 
that even the U.S. Congress has taken time away from important campaign 
fund raising to pass a tough anti-crime bill, which will make the streets 
safer by imposing harsh mandatory minimum penalties on Sen. Bob Packwood.

  But government action alone is not the answer.  To fight crime, we need
to remember what our pioneer foreparents did when they were settling the 
West, and there were few lawpersons around to defend civilians from the 
rustlers and the roving outlaw gangs of Amway distributors.

  In those days, our law-abiding civilians sometimes had no choice but to
bring lawbreakers to justice at the end of the barrel of a gun.  I 
realize that what I'm about to say is controversial, but maybe it's time 
we did the same thing: If the police can't protect us, then maybe it's 
time we exercised our right to keep....and bear....HORSES.   A criminal 
is going to think twice about entering your bedroom if he knows there's a 
horse in there.

  Another option is to buy a handgun.   This is controversial, so let me 
state that whatever YOU think about the gun issue, it is my belief 
that....and you may call me courageous if you wish....you are 100 percent 
correct.  Whatever opinion we hold, we need to consider the implications 
of a handgun-related item reported by Tom McNiff in THE OCALA 
STAR-BANNER.

  This incident involved Marion County commissioner Norm Perry, whose 
wife, Betty, was getting ready for a weekend visit to Miami.  Needless to 
say Norm was nervous about this, because Miami has a reputation for 
having a crime problem.

  How bad is it?

  It's so bad that this punch line has been stolen.  (Rim shot, answered 
by gunshots.)

  Seriously I live in South Florida, and the crime situation down here is
not that bad, as long as you take precautions....locking doors, avoiding 
poorly lit areas, moving to Idaho, etc.

  But life down here can be a little unnerving.  For example, on 
Thanksgiving Day, workers trying to fix a clogged toilet found a person 
in the septic tank.  (This person was deceased....fortunately for him.)  
Police don't know how the body got there, but it's a safe bet that it 
wasn't an accident, unless we're talking about extremely high-suction 
toilets.

  But getting back to Commissioner Perry and his wife:   The article in 
the STAR-BANNER reported that, at Commissioner Perry's suggestion Mrs. 
Perry was planning to take a handgun with her to Miami.  As she was 
packing, however, she discovered that the handgun was jammed; so she 
brought it to Commissioner Perry, who was standing in front of his 
closet, deciding on what to wear.  He was working on the handgun when it 
went off.

  You have probably guessed what happened:  The bullet....in yet another 
of the senseless tragedies that we read about all too often these 
days....went through nine of Commissioner Perry's dress shirts.

  "Those shirts are $25 to $30 a piece," he told THE STAR-BANNER.

  A terrible waste, you say?  Yes.  But sometimes you must pay a price 
for vigilance.  In today's crime-ridden society, there could easily have 
been a criminal hiding in the back of Commissioner Perry's closet, 
planning to steal enough money to afford air fare to Miami.   And this 
criminal could have been penetrated by Norm's bullet, which would have 
meant that he would no longer be roaming the streets. Instead, he would 
be successfully suing Commissioner Perry for millions of dollars.

  So let me say, as a South Florida resident, how grateful I am to 
Commissioner Perry for caring enough about his wife's personal safety to 
want to send her down here with a handgun. The one thing we need more of 
here is more armed people. I am urging everybody who is thinking of 
visiting South Florida to bring the weapon of his or her choice, although 
we do remind you that, before you travel with a handgun, you should take 
the precaution of test-firing it in Commissioner Perry's closet.

  Also, flush with care.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A speech-writer for President Lyndon Johnson (1908-1973;
president, 1963-1969) had been fired and was feeling angry.  He knew
Johnson usually didn't look at his cue cards before his speeches.  Here
are the cards the fired writer provided for Johnson's speech in hopes
they'd be used and he'd get revenge.

CARD 1:  "You have heard people say that we cannot fight a war
          half way around the world and still pursue the goals of
          our great society.  Well, I say we can, and I will tell
          you how."

CARD 2:  "You have heard people say that we cannot maintain an
          economy that makes jobs available to everyone and still
          win the fight against inflation.  Well, I say we can,
          and I will tell you how."

CARD 3:  "They say we cannot bring racial justice to America
                 without anger and dissension.   Well, I say we can, and
                 I will tell you how."

LAST CARD:  "O.K., Lyndon, you're on your own."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  In the early twenties, three Jews emigrated to the United States.   As 
so often happened in those days, the American immigration officials at 
Ellis Island simplified their complicated names on the official records.  
In this case, the three were recorded as Diamond, Gold, and Taylor.  Many 
years later, they met and asked how each of them had done.

Diamond:  Oh, I've done very well.  With my name I started a jewelry 
          store.   Right from the start it was successful.  Now there are
          Diamond Jewelers all over the country.

Gold:  Well, brother Diamond, I, too, have succeeded.  Same idea.  Gold?
       So I started the Gold Ornaments Shop. The shop succeeded 
       wonderfully.  The branches spread.  Now I'm a millionaire.

Taylor:  With me it wasn't so simple.  My name is Taylor, so I started a 
         clothing store.  I worked very hard, but it failed.   So I 
         started another, but it also failed.  My family, they were 
         starving. So what could I do but pray to God.  "Oh, Lord,"  I 
         said, "help me to prosper. Lord, if you do, I'll promise to give
         you 50 percent of the profits."

Diamond and Gold:  Well, tell us.  Did it work?

Taylor:  Did it work?  You never heard of Lord and Taylor?
         (Lord and Taylor is a famous women's clothing store.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
        IT'S THE NEWEST, IT'S THE BEST, IT'S THE FAT DIET (tm)!

  Tired of flabby files taking up too much space on your hard drive? Now 
you can make then lean with the new File Allocation Table Diet (tm)!

  Does it work? Of course! It's scientifically proven, hypo-allergenic, 
and guaranteed to work or you get a full refund of your money (presuming 
you can find us in South America).

  How does it work? Well, if we told you that, you wouldn't send us your 
money, would you?

  How long does it take to work? Less than two months, which is just long
enough for us to sell a few hundred thousand of these suckers and make a 
quick getaway.

  What if it doesn't work? After 2 months, you'll be able to ask the 
Consumer Hotline all about that.

  Okay, I'm game! I want my hard drive put on the new FAT Diet (tm) right
away! Enclosed is my $299.95 because I'm a dweeb who enjoys being taken 
in by mail order scams!

        Send cash only to:

        The FAT Diet (tm) Co.
        1221 Flabby Lane
        Thunderthighs, MI
        90771

        Name: _____________________________________________
        Address: ___________________________ Apt: _________
        City: _________________________ State/Prov: _______
        Zip Code/Postal Code: _________ Age: ______________
        **
        ** Check this box if you wish to be on our other
           mailing lists.
        **
        ** Check this box if you think the FAT Diet is
           worth twice the price we're asking.
        **
        ** Check this box if you wish to help us
           finance a yacht in South America.
        **
        ** Check this box if you like checking boxes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                        The Warning Signs Of Insanity
                   ---------------------------------------

 -Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and 
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

 -Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that 
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

 -You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

 -You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends 
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

 -Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.

 -You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of 
evil dandruff spirits.

 -You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for 
setting fire to his lawn decorations.

 -Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

 -People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

 -Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

 -You laugh out loud during funerals.

 -When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

 -Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you 
through that scuba mask.

 -You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've 
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one 
day seek revenge.

 -You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

 -Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your 
little illusion.

 -You collect dead windowsill flies.

 -Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
wings!"

 -You like cats.  Especially with mayo.

 -You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

 -You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

 -You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they 
weren't rescued.

 -You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

 -Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

 -You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

 -You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the 
middle of your front lawn.

 -Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

 -Melba toast excites you.

 -When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to
tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

 -You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

 -Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think 
to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

 -You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
a few minutes.

 -Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

 -Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

 -You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala 
or to be loved by an infectious disease.

 -You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and 
pretend that you're a stalk.

 -You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

 -You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

 -People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a 
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

 -You like reading lists like this. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl sitting in church with her father suddenly felt ill.
"Daddy," she whispered.  "I have to throw up."  Her father told her to
hurry downstairs to the restroom.  After a few minute, the child was
back.  "I didn't even have to leave the church," she explained with an
angelic look on her face.  "There's a little box by the door that says
'For The Sick'."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A guy is sitting in a bar watching a Hockey game on the TV behind the 
bar, when suddenly the game is interrupted by a Presidential 
announcement.  The guy see's Clinton's face and says "Now there is a true 
horse's ass!".  A second later this guy at the far end of the bar runs 
up, hauls off, and kocks the crap out of the guy who said that, then goes 
and sits down.

  The first guy staggers up, shakes his head, mumbles in wonder, then 
sits back down.  Looking up at the TV, he sees the screen now shows 
Hillary Clinton and says "And she's a true horse's ass too!"  A woman at 
the far end of the bar rushes down and slaps him silly, then goes back 
and sits down.  Shaking his head in wonder, the guy says to the bartender 
"Whew! I guess this must be Clinton country, eh?"

"Nope" replied the bartender.  "Horse country!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Saddam Hussein was being driven to Kuwait shortly after his
ill-fated takeover occured, his limousine ran over a mule.  "We must
show the citizens of Kuwait that we do care for them," said Saddam to
his driver.  "Go find the owner of the mule and apologize immediately!"

The driver obeyed and after some time returned with his arms full of
goods.  "Look at this!" exclaimed the driver.  "Dates, nuts,
almonds...."

"They were not angry?" asked a surprised Suddam.

"Why no, they were very happy -- cheering and clapping!"

"What exactly did you tell them?"

"I told them the jackass was dead."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greg, who was charged with fraud and embezzlement, was alone at the
defendant's desk on the day of the trial.

"Are we to understand that you aer representing yourself, Mr. Ames?"
the judge asked.

"Well, Your Honour, I tried to hire an attorney," Greg explained, "but
when he found out I didn't steal the $500,000, he turned down my case
and threw me out of the office."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Navy man arrived home from the Gulf War with a hook in place of his
hand, a wooden leg and a patch over one of his eyes.  He stepped into
the nearest pub and ordered a pint.

"It's on the house, buddy," said the bartender, drawing up a mug and
handing it to him.  "Hey, did all that happen to you while you were
over there?"

"Yeah, it did," answered the sailor.  "First thing, the boat capsized,
and I fell overboard.  Then a shark swam by and bit my leg off.  Then
later I tried to shoot a gun and the thing went off accidently and blew
my hand off.  And then finally, I looked up into the sky, thankful that
I was still alive, when a bird flew overhead and pooped in my eye."

"You lost an eye because of birdshit?" the bartender asked in
amazement.

"Yeah...I'd only just gotten the hook..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an ar
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a Government employ
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a
fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so
they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

  "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."

  So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00,
and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and
beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if
he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

  "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."

  The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but
this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're
getting ready to leave, George says:

  "See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait
for me."

  Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever
hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same
message.

  After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he
says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten
minutes late, but you're right on time. And you beat us either
left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

  "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the
morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play
left-handed. And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play
right-handed."

  "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

  "Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
During a recent international sports meet , one of the Scottish
track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and col-
leagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were
used up before it was time to end the festivities.

After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the
Scottish coach departed the party.

Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three
or four people waiting in the queue.

Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fa-
tigues and heavily bearded.  He overhead one of them ordering
several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of
his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk
that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book
and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the
Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.

The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order
at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of
his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel.  Same
book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.

By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.

He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc.  Upon
being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with
Fidel.

The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.

   "Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.

   "Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the
clerk replied.

Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up
his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two Alabama men were starting a round of Golf together. On the
first tee, the first guy smacked a beautiful drive down the center
of the fairway. With a smile, he picked up the tee and walked to
the cart.
  The second guy cranked another good drive down the center of
the fairway, Pleased, he hopped in the cart.
  When they arrived to the golf balls, they noticed that they
were 10 yds. apart. "That's mine up there" said the first guy
pointing to the ball closer to the green. "No way, I outdrove you
easily" said the second guy. Before you know it, fists were flying.
  After a brief scuffle, the second guy stopped and said, "I know
how we can solve this problem!"
  "How?"
  "We will get the clubhouse pro out here!"
  Sure enough, they drove back to the clubhouse and got him,
dragged him out to the fairway.
  Studying the situation for a few minutes the pro finally said,
  "I know to solve this!"
  "How?"
  "Yeah, How?"
  Replied the pro, "Who is hittin' the yellow ball?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Did you hear about the UT Computer Science Dept. developing a new robot
into which they programmed the sum total of human knowledge. They decided
to test it in front of the Andrew Johnson Office Plaza. They placed the
robot on the corner at 9:00 AM one morning with intentions of monitoring 
it all day to see what it would do.

  Very soon, a man came walking down the street and the robot approached 
him. "I see by your manner of walking that you are an attorney", the robot said.

  The man stated that he was in fact an attorney and the two passed about
a hour discussing Constitutional Law. The man, much impressed, continued 
on down the sidewalk.

  Next came another man who the robot identified as a doctor. Again, a 
hour's discussion passed on micro-surgery techniques. Throughout the day 
each person that passed the robot was identified by him correctly and
conversations flowed. All were impressed by the little robot's knowledge.

  Finally, just as the scientists from UT were about to retrieve the 
robot for further study, a drunk came careening around the corner, ran 
into the robot, kicked and cursed him and then proceeded to throw up in 
the gutter of the street. The robot began to spin around and bounce up 
and down. The scientists thought the robot had been damaged and were 
hurrying toward him when he rose to his full height, raised one metalic 
arm and in a loud voice proclaimed to all, "How about them Vols!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Seems that there was this Pastor who couldn't find an organ player to 
replace his old one who had retired after 30 years, so he looked for 
another musician. Alas, all he could find was a begining flute player who 
realy wasn't that good.  The reverand told him to be ready to play by 
sunday service.

  When sunday came the pastor introduced the new member and told everyone
to turn to hymn number 165.  A look of shock came over the flutist's 
face.  "Oh no", he cried, " I can't play that one, preacher!  That's to 
hard."

  "OK", replied the pastor, "in that case, everyone turn to hymn number 
119."Once agian, the flute player whined and said that it was to hard to 
play.

  After this had happened 4 or 5 times, someone in the congregation 
yelled, "The flute player is an idiot!!!"  This really angered the 
preacher who was already peaved by the flute players incompitance.

  "Alright, people, we'll have none of that.  Who called my flute player 
an idiot? I want you to stand right now"  No one stood.  "OK, will the 
man sitting next to the man who called my flute player an idiot, please 
stand."  Agian, no one stood.  "Alright, will the man siting next to the 
man sitting next to the man who called my flute player an idiot, PLEASE 
STAND UP!"  Still no one.  The preacher, totaly irate now, yelled, "I"M 
WAITING!"

  Sudenly, a big man in the back pew stood up.  He looked at the parson 
and said, "Well, Mr. Minister, I ain't the man who called your flute 
player and idiot.  I ain't even the man sitting next to the man who 
called your flute player an idiot. As a matter of fact, I aint even the 
man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man who called your flute 
player an idiot.  What I want to know, sir, is who called that idiot a 
flute player?
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  A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a 
beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how 
much it would cost to repair the condom.

  The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot 
welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he 
could sell the private a new one.

  The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in 
two hours with an answer."

  Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:
"The regiment has voted to replace."
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  A fellow was at a hockey game. Suddenly he felt as though someone was 
playing with his hair. He turned but saw nothing so he went back to 
watching the game. A couple of minutes later the same thing happened. 
He turned a little quicker this time and caught the fellow. When 
questioned as to what the hell he thought he was doing he replied " 
I'm sooo sorry, it's that I just graduated from hairdresser's school 
and your hair looked sooo very soft I just had to touch it." To which 
the first fellow replied " So what, I just passed the bar exam and you 
don't see me trying to screw the fellow in front of me do ya!"
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THE WELFARE STATE

The government is my shepherd:
I need not work.
It alloweth me to lie down on a good job;
It leadeth me beside still factories;
It destroyeth my initiative.

It leadeth me in a path of a parisite for politic's sake;
Yea though I walk through the valley of laziness and deficit-spending,
I will fear no evil, for the government is with me.
It prepareth an economic Utopia for me, by appropriating the earnings
  of my own grandchildren.

It filleth my head with false security;
My inefficiency runneth over.
Surely the government should care for me all the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in a fool's  paradise forever
                                       -Author Unknown.
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RIDDLES

 I saw a carcass on a carcass, a lifeless steed on a dead one

 I carry a burden that would break a mans back, am not rich yet leave
silver in my track

 Nails in my ribs, trees on my back, feet do I lack

 The more you take away from me the bigger I get

 It alleviates all pain and sorrows, The final end of all tommorrows, 
That to which we all must go, Rich or poor, high or low

 In time of grief, it gives relief, It can lessen fears, ease the pain of 
tears

 I am only usefull when I am full, yet I am full of holes

 When I am filled I can point the way, yet when I am empty I lay limp, I 
have two skins, one without and one within

 My life can be measured in hours, I serve by being devoured, thin I am 
quick, fat I am slow

 If you break me I do not stop working, if you touch me I may be snared, 
if you lose me nothing matters

 I drive men mad for love of me, easily beaten, never free

 You can see nothing else when you look in my face, I will look you in 
the eye and never lie

 Glittering points that downward thrust, frozen spears that never rust

 When let loose I fly away, never as so cursed as when I go astray

 I am always hungry, must always be fed, the finger I lick will soon turn 
red I do not age, I cannot die, you cannot break me, so what am I?


IF YU CAN DU ALL THEES YUR PREETY GOOD!
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                       APPLICATION TO LIVE IN THE SOUTH

  Name:________________________  Nickname:___________ CB Handle__________

  Address (RFD):_________________________________________________________

  Daddy (If unknown, attach list of three suspects):_____________________

  Mamma:_________________________________________________________________

  Neck Shade:     ( ) Light Red        ( ) Medium Red        ( ) Dark Red

  Number of teeth exposed in full grin:   Upper:_________ Lower:_________

  Name of Pickup owned:______________ Height of truck:___________________

  Truck equipped with:
  ( )Gun rack  ( )4 Wheel drive  ( )Confederate flag  ( )Toothpick holder
  ( )8-Track   ( )Load of wood   ( )Hijacker shocks   ( )Mud-grip tires
  ( )Big dog   ( )Raccoon hide   ( )Dual CB antennas  ( )Mud flaps
  ( )Spittoon  ( )Camper top     ( )Mag wheels        ( )Air horns

  Number of empty beer cans on floorboard of pickup:_____________________

   Bumper stickers:
  ( )Eat more possum                            ( )Honk if you love Jesus
  ( )Wave if your horny                         ( )Redman Chewing Tobacco

  Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
  ( )Tater     ( )Muscadine      ( )Cobbler  ( )Soppin syrup     ( )Ramps
  ( )Chitlins  ( )Brogans        ( )Fatback  ( )Shit-on-shingle  ( )Tote
  ( )Collards  ( )Redeye gravy   ( )Cracker  ( )Pinto beans      ( )Poke
  ( )Sidemeat  ( )Sawmill gravy  ( )Goobers  ( )Turnip salit     ( )Grits

  Favorite vocalist:
  ( )Donna Fargo   ( )Conway Twitty   ( )Loretta Lynn   ( )Hank Williams
  ( )Elvis         ( )Slim Whitman    ( )Tammy Wynette  ( )Porter Wagoner
  ( )Johnny Cash   ( )Willie Nelson   ( )George Jones   ( )Boxcar Willie

  Favorite recreation:
  ( )Square dancin'   ( )Possum huntin'        ( )Skinny dippin'
  ( )Craw daddin'     ( )Gospel Singin'        ( )4-Wheelin'
  ( )Drankin'         ( )Bull chip throwin'    ( )Blue grass conventions
  ( )Spittin' backy   ( )Creek jumpin'         ( )Other

  Weapons owned:
  ( )Deer rifle    ( )Bird gun      ( )Varit rifle   ( )Sawed-off Shotgun
  ( )Tire iron     ( )Pick handle   ( )Log chain     ( )Power (chain) saw

  Number of hound dogs:_______ Type:( )Blue tick ( )Black & tan ( )Beagle

  Emblem: ( )John Deere   ( )CAT    ( )Budweiser   ( )McCullock chain saw
          ( )PBR          ( )NAPA   ( )Coors       ( )Skoals

  Number of weeks unemployed:___   Number of welfare checks received:___

  Number of dependents (Legal):_____________    (Claimed):______________
  Memberships:
  ( )KKK                       ( )PTL Club            ( )American Legion
  ( )Bass Club                 ( )Moose Lodge         ( )VFW
  ( )NRA

  Length of left leg:_______________  Length of right leg:_______________

  Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
  Primer Red?   ( )Yes     ( )No

  How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?
  ( )1     ( )2     ( )3    ( )4     ( )5 or more     ( )Can't count

  How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your
  front porch?( )1  ( )2  ( )3  ( )4  ( )5 or more  ( )Still can't count

  Will you be part of the South's Intelligentsia with a measurable I.Q.?
  ( )Yes          ( )No

  Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags? ( )Yes ( )No

  Do you own any shoes?  If so, how many?______
  I what year did you last purchase shoes?_____

  Are you married to any of the following?
  ( )Sister   ( )Cousin   ( )Sow

  Do you know her name? ( )Yes     ( )No

  Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?  ( )Yes     ( )No

  Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?
  ( ) Yes          ( )No

  Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?
  ( )Yes          ( )No

  Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on?   ( )Yes     ( )No
                  To 21 with your fly up?       ( )Yes     ( )No

  Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?  ( )Yes     ( )No


  Medical Information:
    Do you or have you had at least 2 of the following:
      ( )BO       ( )Crabs         ( )Head lice   ( )Bad breath
      ( )Scabies  ( )Trench mouth  ( )Runny nose  ( )Tape worm

  Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?       ( )Yes     ( )No

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