
A maiden who walked on the Corso
Displayed a great deal of her torso.
        A crowd soon collected
        But no one objected
And some were in favor of more so!

There was a young lady from St. Paul,
 who wore a newspaper gown to a ball.
    While there it caught fire
    and burned her entire....
front page, sports section and all.

There once was a woman named Bobbit,
Whose husband had an abusive habit,
    "He's such a meenie,
    I'll cut off his weenie,
Then drive down the road and lob it.

And now some words of wisdom:
See the happy Moron.
    He doesn't give a d*mn.
    I wish I were a Moron.
MY GOD! Perhaps I am!

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who talked with a terrible stutta
    He screwed up his face
    When he tried to say grace
And spit his false teeth in the butta!

There once was a poet named Annie
Whose limericks weren't worth a penny
    Although her technique was sound
    Often she found,
    Than when she wrote any,
She always wrote one line too many.
 
There once was a lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died
    While her lover lamented
    The apple fermented
In cider inside her inside.

There once was a young man from Kent
Who had a cock so long it was bent,
    To save the trouble,
    He stuck it in double,
Instead of coming he went!

There once was a lesbian from Kartoum
Who took a faggot up to her room
    And they argued all night
    Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom!

Said a fair-headed maiden of Tarmack,
"Of you, I'm exceedingly fond, Jack.
    To prove I adore ya,
    I'll dye, darling for ya
And be a brunette, not a blonde, Jack!"

There was a young fellow named Slammer
Who had an unfortunate stammer.
    "The p-p-pain of my life,"
    Said he, "is m-my wife,
D-d-double d-d-damn 'er!"

A near-sighted fellow named Coulter
Led a glamorized gal to the altour.
    Quite lovely he thought her
    Till some strong soap and hot water
Made her look like the rock of Gibralter.

A chap they all call Aloysius,
Of his wife and a guy grew syspysius.
    And quicker than you'd think
    He found them by the sink
But they were only doing the dysius.

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a sweet girl out to dinner
    They sat down to dine
    At a quarter past nine
At a quarter to ten it was in her.

(Skinner? No, the dinner!)

A transvestite lawyer named Bloom
Took a Lesbian up to his room.
    They spent the whole night
    In a terrible fight
About who would do what, and to whom!

BIG JOHN WAYNE bobbit

Big John was a lad of great lust
Had a wife who was filled with distrust
    One night while he slept
    With a knife, in she crept
As a lover Big John's now a bust.

Lo Rena wished John could be nicer
But he wasn't much of a deicer
    if she finds a new spouse
    Let us hope he's no louse
Or we might have our first serial slicer

Dentist

There was a young dentist named Sloan
Who catered to women alone.
    In an act of depravity,
    He filled the wrong cavity, and said,
"My, how my business has grown!"    

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
    He chuckled with mirth,
    For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs, and he had 'em.

There was an old pirate named Bates,
Who was learning to rhumba on skates,
    He fell on his cutlass
    Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
    They make love the whole day
    In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
DISKONCERTING

I usta face a problem with
   a pencil, and compute it.
Then came my first computer, and
   I trembled just to boot it.

The mystery of softened key
   confounds, constrict, confuses me.
Escape, delete, insert, repeat...
   The blizzard sure abuses me.

F1 F2 F3 F4
   F5 F6 F7,
F8 F9 F10...Amen!
   Not twelve, and not eleven?

Technologies come streaking in
   By quantum leaps each day.
To my regret I have to let
   The "chips" fall where they may.

Now, lord, that PC's verbalize,
   I'm sure to come unstrung,
If mine should wheeze, or cough or
   sneeze,
Or maybe byte its tongue.
                   ----Mort Friedman, Harrisburg, PA
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Why is that dog running in circles?
    It's a watchdog, and it's winding itself up.

  What did the five-hundred-pound mouse say when it walked into the 
alley?
    Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

  Why does the baby duck walk softly?
    Because it's a baby and it can't walk, hardly.

  Why does a cow wear a bell?
    Its horns don't work.

  What did the baby porcupine say when it backed into the cactus?
    Is that you, Mother?

  What did the angry octopus say to the octopus that made him angry?
    One of these days....pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow....
    right in the kisser!

  What did one eye say to the other?
    There's something between us that smells.

  What did one toe say to the other?
    Don't look now, but there's a heel following us.

  What do you do if you smash your toe?
    You call a tow truck.

  What is a ringleader?
    The first one in a bathtub.

  What is a bulldozer?
    A sleeping bull.

  Why does an elephant have a trunk?
    So that it has someplace to hid when it sees a mouse.

  Why does an elephant like peanuts?
    It can send in the wrappers for prizes.

  What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, swish?
    An elephant with wet sneakers.

  How do you stop a herd of elephants from charging?
    You take away their credit cards.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A salesman from Toronto was visiting St. John's on business and was
talking to some locals about how great Toronto was. He says, " In
Toronto, we have a machine that you put whole trees in one end and you
get finished chairs and tables out the other". The locals are impressed
so the salesman continues: "In Toronto, we ("we" like he owns it or
something) have a machine that you put raw wheat in one end and you get
bread and cakes and cookies out the other." One of the locals, who has
had all he can take of this, says, "Well, here on the Rock we have
some pretty good machinery too. We have a machine where you shovel a
ton of bullshit in one end and get a Torontonian out the other.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and 
scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause.  So the 
sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other 
concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study
of the causes of the town's high birth rate.
  The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the 
million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered 
coffee.   When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him 
for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, 
above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
  The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can.  You see, every
morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its 
whistle at all three street crossings.  That wakes up the folks here and, 
as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn 
early to get up."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  If you want to make a living you have to work for it.  If you want to 
become rich, you have to find another way!

  It doesn't matter if you are born poor and die poor, as long as you're 
rich in between!

  He made his money the old-fashioned way....he inherited it!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Romancing girls is like opening a jar of olives. If you can get one 
out, the rest come easy!
                                
  The candles flickered and the music was low and bluesy.  Popping open 
the champagne, he said, "Say when."
  She said, "Right after the first drink!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Columbus planted the flag and said, "I claim this island for the
Queen of Spain."  It surprised most of the Indians, because they didn't
know the place was listed!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd not seen
for several years.   Each couple tried to recapture knowledge of the
other by recounting their histories.  "And soon after we were married,"
Sarah began, "we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby creature with
cute bow legs and no teeth."
  "You had a baby, I presume," said the other husband.
  "Nope," Dick broke in, "Sarah's mother came to live with us."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Emma was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at
the beach during her bridge club annual outing.  "But," she told him,
"it didn't end all that great for me."
  Why, what happened? he asked.
  "Well, I went out to take a swim in the rough water. I didn't go
out so far because the waves were very bad, but even so, I suddenly
noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing
suit to be snatched off.  I looked but it was gone, gone, gone!"
  "Well, for goodness sakes, Emma, what did you do?"
  "Do?  Why I did what any respectable housewife would do.  I
covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as
fast as I could."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                              NEW KNIFE LAW

  In Albuquerque, New Mexico, little Marimba Marinade sobbed as she told 
her story.

  "Carlos found the knife hidden in the back of a closet shelf where Mama
had hidden it. He took it down and played with it and handed it to me. I
didn't know it was sharp....then it happened. Carlos screamed and held 
his crotch. I fainted."

  It was another accident involving a child who has been watching the 
TV news and playfully acting out a Lorena Bobbitt fantasy.  Stories 
like these are crossing America. Both young boys and adult males have 
become victims of penis amputation, some accidental, most intentional. 

  Men have organized and are recruiting others into the P.I.D. (Penises 
in Danger) movement. At this moment, they are installing in Times Square 
a penis time clock, showing the alarming frequency of penis severances.

  In Marin County, in California, women can turn in their knives in for 
free tickets to the ballet. The drive has been only mildly successful. 

  Some states are enforcing knife registration. There is a 5 day waiting 
for a background check before before cutlery can be purchased. Stores are 
notified to report women who carefully examine kitchen knives and grin as 
they make chopping motions. Records of knife sharpener sales must also be 
registered. 

  With the Presidents announcement that along with motorcycle and bicycle
helmet laws, for the protection of all males, a law is to be passed 
making the wearing of crotch protectors mandatory. This news made the 
stock market jump 50 points. Money hungry investors are betting on a huge 
new market equal to silicon valley. 

  Already, a line of crotch protectors in various sizes and designer 
colors are appearing in stores, some fur lined. Merchants say the "extra
large" are most in demand, only a few order smaller sizes.

  Replacement prosthesis research will abound, with pneumatic pumpers 
being a good side investment.

  Betty Ford type clinics will spring up, offering in house stay and 
counseling for those females suffering from the "Penis Shear" syndrome. 
However, psychologists are pointing out that many women don't want 
treatment.

  For males, to get a nights sleep, electronics experts are experimenting
with a bed beeper that warns if any steel object even comes close to the 
crotch area.

  Employment will gain in the law enforcement bureaus. Officers will have
the right to ask any male to drop his pants to prove he is in compliance 
with with crotch protector laws. Gay officers will be hired but advised 
not to violate violators.

  Penis severing must stop. It's enforcement must be given priority over 
drug abuse. Knife pushers must be chased from neighborhoods and arrested 
if caught promoting sales to drive by women.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snow-dunes one day 
when the polar bear fell down a chasm. Try as he might, the poor polar 
bear couldn't get out. The penguin did everything he could think of, but 
he couldn't rescue his friend.

  Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be
right back!" He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his 
red Ferrarri. He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to 
the end. With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him 
out to safety.

  After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they 
continued on their walk. Later on that very same day, the penguin fell 
into a similar chasm. Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive. So 
it looked bad for the penguin.

  Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down 
into the chasm, all the way to the bottom. The penguin gladly used it to 
climb his way to the top!

  The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don't 
need a Ferrarri.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  This girl was hitch-hiking when a trucker picked her up.  She had been 
walking a long time and was willing to show her "gratitude" for the 
ride, but the trucker was on a tight schedule, so they settled for 
something she could do for him while he continued driving........ 
Well, they hit a bump and she hit her head on the....ummm, 
the.......Oh what's that thing!...ummmm the........

(insert your answer here)

"Oh you do truck drivers too??"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Life is nothing but a contradiction in terms.  Words and phrases
can often be contradictory.  Here are a few words are contradictory
to the fact.  What it really is, isn't what it sounds like.

Here is what life hands us:

Army intelligence -  Can they be all that smart, after all they enlisted.

Road construction -  I see more road destruction than construction.

Planned parenthood - If it is so planned, why is there a place where
                     spontaneous mothers need to consult on other 
                     "alteratives"
Friendly fire  -     Can it be all that friendly if it kills?

Business campus -    "Say counselor ..where do I sign up for that Office
                     Management 101 course?  Party on dude!"

Virtual reality -    Hmm let me get this straight..its real but its not,
                     seems like its happening but it really isn't?
                     Perception of sight, sound, and mind?  Sounds like
                     a "Twilight Zone" episode.  Rod Stieger where are 
                     you?  Oh, there you are. 

Self help books -    If your looking for self help, why are you buying 
                     books from people teaching you to help yourself?  If
                     you are being taught, you are not helping yourself 
                     on your own.  You sought help from some else.

There are a lot of them out there.  Does anyone know of others?
Please help me out.  Thanks...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man was wondering in the woods pondering all the questions of life, 
universe, and his own personal problem.  The man could not find any 
answers so he sought help from God.

  "God!?  God?!  Are you there God?!", he shouted.

  God responded, "What is it my son?"

  "I have a few questions, mind of I ask?"

  "Go right ahead, my son..anything.", God said

  "God, what is a million years to you?"

  God said, "a million years to me is only a second".

  "Hmmm", he wondered.  Then he asked again, "God, what is a million 
dollars worth to you?"

  God said, "a million dollars to me is only worth a penny."

  The man lift his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question. "God 
can I have a penny?"

  And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....in a second".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Frank Whitehouse passed on and went to heaven.  Shortly afterwards, his
devoted wife joined him and was surprised to see Frank and almost 
everyone else up there just working like crazy, shining the Pearly Gates,
polishing stars, sweeping the heavens.  There was nothing but work, work,
work from morning until night.  This disturbed her because having worked 
hard all her life, she thought heaven should be easier.  So she asked for
a couple of days off and visited down in Purgatory to see how things were
there.  To her surprise, people were sitting around doing absolutely 
nothing.  After a couple of days of observing this, she asked the 
devil-attendant, "How come you people down here do nothing all day and 
we, up in heaven, work our fannies off?"
  "That's easy," the devil-attendant said.  "We get finished with our 
work quickly down here.  Y'see, there's so many more of us!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  "I ain't ready to get married,"  Sam Rush told his buddy, Joe. "But, 
when I do, I want a gal who's an economist in the kitchen, a sweet lady 
when we got company and a fireball in the bedroom."
  "Well, time passed and Sam did get married.  One day he again ran into 
Joe.
  "How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.
  "Fine and dandy, Joe.  I done got myself hitched."
  "Great!  And is she just like the gal you described to me?"
  "Not exactly.  I sure enough did get all the qualities in my wife that 
I wanted.  But they came a little bit mixed.  Jenny's a fireball in the 
kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company, but she's an economist in the 
bedroom."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A boy was locked into the closet by his mother so she could have sex 
with her boyfriend.  While he is there, his father comes home 
unexpectedly, so the mother hides her boyfriend in the closet.

  The young kid decides that he could make some money out of this, so he 
says, " It's awful dark in here.  It's so dark that I might scream for my
father.  If I had five dollars, I don't think that I would be so scared."
The boyfriend gets the idea, and hands the kid five dollars. Soon the 
father goes back to work and the mother lets her boyfriend out of the 
closet.  After a while she lets the kid out also.

  By this time the kid has started to feel guilty about how he got the 
five dollars and he asks his mother, "Mom, is it a sin to trick people 
into giving you money."  His mother said, "Yes, and if he has done that, 
he should go to confession."

  The kid runs off to church and goes to confession.  Once he gets into 
the confessional, he looks around and says, "It's awful dark in here."  A 
voice from the other side of the curtain says, "We aren't going to start 
this one again...are we?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a 
nearby roadhouse to use the phone.  After calling for a tow truck, he 
spotted his old friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed at the bar.  
"What happened to you, Frank?" asked the good reverend.  "You used to be 
rich."

  Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall. 
"Go home," the preacher said.  "Open your Bible at random, stick your 
finger on the page, and there will be God's answer."

  Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a 
Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a 
Mercedes.  "Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have
really turned around for you."

  "Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank.  "I opened my 
Bible, put my finger down on the page and there was the answer....Chapter 
11."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  In some communities it is the custom to give a Christmas present of a 
few dollars to the trash collectors.  It's gone so far that some 
collectors tape an open envelope to trash cans:  "Season's Greetings from 
Your Trash Collectors."
  One family somehow neglected to respond to the "greetings." Just a day 
or two before Christmas, there appeared another envelope: "Season's 
Greetings from Your Trash Collectors."  And under that, written in large 
letters:  "SECOND NOTICE."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  One Sunday, a girl was given two quarters as she left for church, one 
for the collection plate and one for herself to spend as she wished.  As 
she walked to Sunday school she was playing with the quarters in her 
hand, and one dropped on the street and rolled through the grates of a 
sewer.  The girl looked down into the watery depths and said sadly, 
"There goes God's quarter."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A conductor went down the aisle, calling, "Change for Marietta. Change 
for Marietta."
  A country boy, a first time passenger said, "I don't know who that gal 
is, but I'll throw in a quarter!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Four men of the cloth were chatting.  The rabbi confessed, "I like ham 
once in a while."
  The Baptist minister said, "I take a few belts of Scotch every day."
  "Me," the priest said, "I have a girlfriend."
   Reverend Swanson of the Lutheran church said, "I love to gossip!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
        A cheapskate said to his companion in the restaurant, "Look, you
paid the last six times we ate lunch.  Let's toss for this one!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  It's no wonder parents are confused.  I have a daughter who has jeans 
that say CALVIN KLEIN, dresses that say CHRISTIAN DIOR, scarves that say 
VERA, shoes that say GUCCI, skirts that say PUCCI, purses that say YVES 
ST. LAURENT...and what does she keep telling us?   "I want to be me!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two lawyers were going at one another as the trial started.  One lawyer
said to the other, "You are a complete and total fraud."
  The other lawyer retorted, "You're a penny-stealing ambulance chaser."
  The judge cut in, saying, "Now that you've identified one another, 
shall we go on with the case?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective
job.  "We make parts for microscopes.  You'll be required to work with 
lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick."
  "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a 
delicatessen."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Concerned about his son's future, a man decided to test the youngster. 
He would put the lad in a room with only a Bible, an apple, and a five 
dollar gold piece.  If the boy sat down and read the Bible, a career in 
the ministry would be indicated.  The boy would become a farmer if he ate 
the apple.  A banking career would be suggested if the boy toyed with the 
money.
  The boy was brought in.  Sitting on the Bible, he chewed on the apple. 
After mulling it over, he put the coin in his pocket.
  The man smiled.  His son would be a politician!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The young man said, "We're going to have a great time tonight. I have 
three theater tickets."
  The young girl said, "Why do we need three tickets?"
  "They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I heard you had words with your wife."
"We had no words."
"Nothing passed between you?"
"Only a plate and a platter!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A woman explained to a psychiatrist that her husband thought he was the
Lone Ranger.  The psychiatrist asked, "How long as this been going on?"
  "About twenty years."
  "Bring him in.  I'll cure him."
  The woman nodded and said, "I guess it's the right thing to do. But 
Tonto is so good with the children!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Fred and Dorothy were having their usual loud and endless argument 
about family reunions.  At last, Fred relented.  "I'm awfully sorry, 
Sweetheart.  I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your 
family.   As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot 
better than I do mine."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                     The Medieval Housewife

   Shoppers must watch their step in the streets, which are full of 
unpleasant surprises.  In the butchers' quarter slaughtering is performed
on the spot, and blood dries in the sun amid piles of offal and swarms of
flies.  Outside the poulterers' shops geese, tied to the aprons of the 
stalls, honk and gabble. Chickens and ducks, their legs trussed, flounder
on the ground, along with rabbits and hares.

   The housewives pinching the fowl carry in their purses three kinds of 
coins.  Two are of copper--oboles and half-oboles, the small change of 
the Middle Ages.  The only coin of value is the silver penny, or denier.  
A fat capon costs six deniers, an ordinary chicken four, a rabbit five, a 
larger hare twelve.

   Near the butchers' and poulterers' stalls are other food specialty 
shops.  A pastry shop offers wafers at three deniers a pound.  The 
spice-grocer displays a variety of wares.  Vinegar comes in big jars at 
from two to five deniers.  Most edible oils cost seven to nine deniers, 
although olive oil is double that price.  Salt is cheap (five pounds for 
two deniers), pepper dear (four deniers an ounce), sugar even dearer.  
Even honey is expensive.  Sweeteners appear on few medieval tables.

   At the bakery, where an apprentice may be seen removing loaves from 
the oven with a long-handled wooden shovel, the prices of the different 
loaves are legally fixed.  So are the weights, with variations permitted 
from year to year depending on the wheat crop.  Bread is rather expensive
this year.  Some bakers cheat on quality or weight, and for this reason 
each baker must mark his bread with his own seal.  A detected cheater 
ends up in the pillory with one of his fraudulent loaves hung around his 
neck.

   The housewife is always on the lookout for poor quality or doubtful 
quantity--watered wine, milk, or oil, bread with too much yeast, 
blown-out meat, stale fish reddened with pig's blood, cheese made to look
richer by soaking it in broth.  Dishonest tradesmen are the butt of 
numerous stories.  A favorite:  A man asked the sausage butcher for a 
discount because he had been a faithful customer for seven years.  "Seven
years!" exclaimed the butcher.  "And you're still alive?"

   Besides the food shops, there are the peddlers.  About terce (9 am) 
their cries augment the din of the streets.  They sell fish, chicken, 
fresh and salt meat, garlic, honey, onions, fruit, eggs, leeks, and 
pasties filled with fruit, chopped ham, chicken or eel, seasoned with 
pepper, soft cheese and egg.  "Good Champagne cheese!  Good cheese of 
Brie!" cry the street vendors in Paris and probably Troyes as well.  Wine
and milk are also peddled in the street.


   Any you thought being a housewife was difficult today!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                     THE DEER HUNT

 1:00 am. Alarm clock rings,
 2:00 am. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
 2:30 am. Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pickup.
 3:00 am. Leave for the deep woods
 3:15 am. Drive back home to pick up gun.
 3:30 am. Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
 4:00 am. Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent.
 4:30 am. Head for the woods.
 6:05 am. See eight deer.
 6:06 am. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
 6:07 am. CLICK
 6:08 am. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
 8:00 am. Head back to camp.
 9:00 am. Still looking for camp
10.00 am. Realize you don't know where camp is.
 NOON     Fire your gun for help - eat wild berries.
 2:15 pm. Run out of bullets - eight deer come back.
 2:20 pm. Strange feeling in stomach.
 2:30 pm. Realize you have eaten poison berries.
 2:45 pm. Rescued.
 2:55 pm. Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
 3:00 pm. Arrive back at camp.
 3:30 pm. Leave camp to kill deer.
 4:00 pm. Return to camp for bullets.
 4:01 pm. Load gun - leave camp again.
 5:00 pm. Empty gun at squirrel that is bugging you.
 6:00 pm. Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
 6:01 pm. Load gun.
 6:02 pm. Fire gun.
 6:03 pm. One dead pickup.
 6:05 pm. Hunting, partner arrives in camp dragging deer.
 6:06 pm  Repress desire to shoot hunting partner.
 6:07 pm. Fall into fire.
 6:10 pm. Change clothes.
 6:15 pm. Take pickup. Leave hunting partner and his deer in camp.
 6:25 pm. Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
 6:25 pm. Start walking.
 6:30 pm. Stumble and fall. Drop gun in mud.
 6:35 pm. Meet bear.
 6:36 pm. Take aim.
 6:37 pm. Fire gun. Blow up barrel,plugged with mud.
 6:38 pm. Mess pants.
 6:39 pm. Climb tree.
 9:00 pm. Bear leaves. Wrap !*?*?!* gun around tree.
 MIDNIGHT Home at last.
 Sunday   Watch football game on TV slowly tearing hunting
          license into small pieces, place in envelope and mail to
          Game Department with detailed instructions on where to
          place it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're a BBS addict when:

You are at a party with BBS people, and you find the computer and log on.

You logon and are truly disappointed if a letter you had hoped would be 
 answered...isn't.

It ruins your day when you browse the person you sent the letter to and 
 they have no messages.

You're out of town on vacation and the thought of BBSing crosses your 
 mind.

You have a "smiley face" in your handle.

You use a handle.

You change your handle to match the theme of a holiday.

You take everything you read in a pub seriously.

Your love life is dependent upon BBSing.

You feel you're making a statement by signing your name in an anonymous 
 pub.

You complain about posts.

After calling boards for awhile, you change your availability status to 
 "Separated" even though you are still married.

You make an endearing reference to another BBSer in your handle or 
 location.

You're annoyed that the kids want to use the computer to play an 
 educational game.

You turn on the computer BEFORE you make the coffee in the morning.

You realize your kids KNOW what you mean when you say "uh huh" (even if 
 it's..no, you can NOT go to Janey's house)

You leave all your notes to family and friends on the BBS, such as "Hi,
 going to the store, brb" or worse: you find yourself leaving a real note
 on the fridge. that says "brb, had to run, TTYL <<hugs>> :)"

You have several "hot keys" or macros defined in your comm program that 
 transmit multi-color renderings of trite sayings.

Your computer goes down on a Sunday and you start calling computer repair
 shops out of the Yellow Pages when everyone's closed.

You prefer to think of your daily online time in minutes, even though it 
 equals 5 hours.

Your ALT, D, :, and ) keys have an uncleanable gray film built up on 
 them!

You've gotten so good at speed redialing into busy BBS's that you figured
 out how to use your modem to redial Ticket Master the day a big 
 concert's tickets go on sale!

You open a BBS account for your one-year old just to be "cute".

You turn on your computer immediately when you walk in the door, so it'll
 be all warmed up and ready when you get through with your "right after 
 getting home" rituals.

You become a SysOp.

You break up with your significant other because suddenly there's all 
 these people of the opposite sex to talk to.

Suddenly the prospect of adding a second phone line doesn't seem as 
 expensive as you once thought.

You think "Get a life!" is a clever retort.

When someone calls you a nerd, you think "You're here too so you're
 just as much of a nerd as me!" is a clever retort.

You often change your location in the "Who's Online" listing to express
 your particular mood at the time or to indicate that something you
 feel is a noteworthy event has taken place in your life.

Your AUTOEXEC.BAT file calls your comm program.

You think "oops" is spelled "opps."

You type TM from the DOS prompt, get an Abort, Retry, or Fail? and have 
 heart seizure.

You've asked and asked until you've finally learned how to type extended
 ASCII characters and you immediately include them in your handle.
 ...and you think it's cool.

Your script automatically takes you into an open forum when you log on.

You're actually PROUD of the fact that you've been doing this since the 
 days of acoustically-coupled modems.

You log in "Just to check your mail" and realize you spent 2 hours 
 online.

If you are female, you enter a state of mild euphoria when your mailbox 
 fills while suppressing the thought that the reason that happened is 
 because the male/female caller ratio is about 50 to 1.

The only reason you're not logged on here is because you're logged on 
 somewhere else.

You wake up at 2 in the morning to go to the bathroom and figure, "what 
 the heck, I'll just see who is up"!

You can't be satisfied holding one intelligent conversation, but feel the
need to initiate or be involved in multiple /p's, even though that means 
holding several lame, often tiresome exchanges that go nowhere.

You install a second modem in your computer so you can be online at two 
 boards at once.

You're online for hours on end just staring at your monitor screen in the
 hopes someone you know will log on (so you can exchange a dozen or so 
 unmeaningfull lines back and forth..and then wait for hours on end until
 someone else you know logs on) (even though you have things you SHOULD 
 be doing..like housework, home projects, feeding the dogs, taking care 
 of the wife, etc)

You feel amused and smugly satisfied over a post you just made.

It makes you late for work cause you just HAD to make that one last post.

You keep re-reading your posts looking for any responses to it...
 and then get mad and upset when there is a response to it that is 
 slightly uncomplimentary.

You have are late for an important date because you just had to log on 
 and read the pubs before you go.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A priest and a pilot just arrived in heaven.

  Saint Peter opens the door and welcomes the pilot:

  "I'm glad to see you, come in and be happy.

  And you father, I'm sorry to say that, but you must stay outside."

  The priest says:" Hey, are you stupid ? I spent all my life in the name
of the lord, and now I should stay outside an this pilot is welcomed. 
Tell me why ?"

  St. Peter says:"As you were praying in your church, all the people 
were sleeping, but when our pilot flew his plane all the people were 
praying !"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man who traveled a great deal in his work had the odd hobby of 
frequenting cemeteries in his spare time.  He had been to cemeteries 
all over the world and always with the same hope that he would 
discover the lost tomb of some famous person.  While in Europe, he 
found a very old and ivy covered mausoleum.  It had a moss encrusted 
name plate which he quickly began to scrape at with his pen knife. 
B...E...E...T...H...  "Could it be?" he asked himself.   Sure enough, 
it was the tomb of Beethoven.  Though he knew he shouldn't, he 
couldn't resist opening the creaky, rusted iron door and peeking 
inside.  In the chamber sat a very small, shriveled, gray haired man, 
sitting at a desk, paper in front of him, erasing furiously.

  "What are you doing?" our awed explorer asked.

  The old man didn't pause as he replied, "I'm decomposing."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A bit of American wisdom was demonstrated at a medical school during a 
discussion of obstetrics.  "Who is happier of two men, one with five 
million dollars or one with five kids?" asked the professor.
  A student stood up to answer:  "I'd guess the guy with five kids," he 
said.
  "And why did you pick him?" the professor asked.
  "Because the guy with all that money, five million bucks, isn't 
satisfied and wants more."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                 USEFUL GEOMETRIC DEFINITIONS

1.  LOCUS       Little insects.
2.  POLYGON     Dead parrot.  At one time it ate the locus.
3.  SYMMETRY    A place to bury the polygons that ate
                the locus.
4.  RAY         The man who buries the polygons that ate
                the locus in the symmetry.
5.  HYPOTENUSE  Big animals.  Polygons sit on them and
                eat locus.
6.  APOTHEM     An animal that is an enemy of the polygon.
                It eats locus too.
7.  ACUTE       An adjective to describe beauty, e.g.
                e.g. acute apothem.
8.  PI          Something that is eaten and sometimes
                thrown.
9.  PRISM       A place where bad people are held.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
ELEPHANTS IN THE FRIDGE/CAR

How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

How do you get an elephant into a VW?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the
fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen bug?
2 in the front and 2 in the back

How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
Can't get the fridge door closed.

How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW bug parked outside it.

How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.

How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly.  There is only one Tarzan!

Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
Depends on the number of elephants.

What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
The sun roof.

The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of 
them showed up except the elephants.  Why?
They were stuck in the VW bug.

How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
None, the elephants are in there!

What game do four elephants in a mini play?
Squash

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.  2. Insert elephant.  3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.  2. Remove elephant.  3. Insert giraffe.  4. Close door.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

What do you call 500 elephants at a concert?
The audience.

Why don't elephants wear shoes?
They can't tie the laces on their back feet when they have shoes on their
front feet.

Why don't elephants like turnips?
For the same reasons that people don't like turnips.

Why don't elephants fly?
Because airline tickets are too expensive.

Why don't elephants cross their eyes?
Because i's are dotted, t's are crossed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  One morning at the law office, one attorney looked at the other and
said, "Wow, you look really terrible this morning." The other lawyer
replied, "Yeah, I woke up with a headache this morning and, no matter
what I try, I can't seem to get rid of it." The first lawyer told
him, "Whenever I get a headache like that, I take a few hours off
during the day, go home, and make love to my wife. Works every time
for me." Later that afternoon, the two lawyers met again. The first
told the second, "You know, you look 100% better." The second
replied, "Yeah, that was great advice you gave me. You've got a
beautiful house, too."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                               COMPANY SAFETY...

  Employee Joseph Grosshawk, the driver of a company vehicle, was parked 
on a downward slope in Massapequa.  He had a passenger, Mr. Milker, his 
supervisor. Both were wearing hardhats in accordance with company 
regulations. Gosshawk glanced to the right to check around his vehicle 
before starting off, and accidentally hit his supervisor in the mouth 
with the beak of his hardhat, knocking out his false teeth. The teeth 
struck the handbrake, releasing it and came to rest behind the foot brake 
pedal. As the vehicle started to move down the slope, Mr. Milker reached 
behind the brake pedal to retrieve his dentures. Gosshawk at this moment 
stamped fiercely down on the brake pedal.  The supervisor received a 
severe gash on his right hand, and sustained three broken fingers. 
Although Gosshawk had acted promptly in his effort to bring the vehicle 
to an immediate stop, the cry of agony from his supervisor caused him to 
momentarily release his foot from the brake.

  On its further down hill movement, and before Gosshawk could ultimately
arrest its progress, the vehicle struck a cable splicer, Gordon 
Witherspoon, who was standing over a manhole with a ladle of molten lead.
The molten lead spilled into the manhole onto the private parts of
another cable splicer, Giovanni Lascagnia, who was urinating into a pair
of boots.

  The sudden application of molten lead to Lascagnia's private parts 
caused the latter to lose his aim and a stream of chianti-saturated urine
fell onto the exposed splice, burning through the paper insulation and 
shorting out 490 pairs of the cable. Unfortunately, 480 pairs were 
LILCO's alarm and telemetry circuits.

  This apparently indicated a catastrophic overload at the control 
center, causing the Northeast Power Grid to shut down.

  The switch to emergency power at the Hempstead C. O. introduced 
sufficient transients into the SAGE system for NORAD to interpret this as 
a massive attack from Russia. NORAD immediately launched an equally 
massive counter-attack.  In the ensuing conflict, the Hoggs Lane and 
Highway 401 bridges were destroyed by a direct hit on the Jolly Roger's
men's toilet. During this time, Gosshawk drove Mr. Milker and Lascagnia 
to a hospital and then attempted to return to his Work Center 
Headquarters, but found both bridges missing.  It then being 5:00 PM, he 
(on his own initiative) drove the company vehicle home.
  Nothing having been seen of the other cable splicer, Whitherspoon,
for three days, a search was instituted, and he was subsequently found
in the manhole where he had conscientiously jumped to repair the cable.
It appears that Gosshawk, in accordance with company regulations, had
replaced the manhole cover.  When Whitherspoon attempted to remove the
cover he found that an Army tank had parked on the manhole during the
troop movements.  He was taken to the hospital, suffering from
asphyxia, having been exposed to Lascagnia's salami and garlic lunch
and two urine filled boots for three days. The accident
Investigation Board reviewed the facts and awarded Gosshawk one days
suspension for taking the company vehicle home without permission.  It
commended Whitherspoon for his noble attempt to repair the cable.  The
committee observed the whole affair could have been avoided if Mr.
Milker had used stronger denture adhesive. .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Larry, give me the difference between prose and poetry.
  Larry: If I said, "There was a young man from Rees who went into the 
         sea up to his ankles," that would be prose.  But if the water 
         was a few inches higher, it would have been poetry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A lady attending a banquet was very upset when she heard that the main
course would be tongue.  "Tongue!" she exclaimed.  "I could never eat
something that's been in an animal's mouth!"

So they fixed her an egg instead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A sweet young candy-striper was visiting elderly men in a nursing home
when she noticed that one old gent had a suppository sticking out of his
ear.  After a while, she couldn't help but ask him, "Would you mind
telling me why you have a suppository in your ear?"

  "Oh!  Thank you!" he said.  "I've been trying to figure out all day 
what I did with my hearing aid."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A junior officer at the Pentagon was a hard worker, and he had a
very nice well-furnished office.  However, he began behaving strangely.
First he shoved his desk out into the space also occupied by his
secretary's desk.  Then a few days later, as he was leaving for the day,
he pushed his desk out into one of the many long corridors.  He worked
there for a few days, and then he shoved his desk into the men's room
and set up work there.
  All of this had not escaped the notice of his fellow workers.
It seemed more and more strange to them, so strange that they did not
dare ask the officer himself what he was doing.  Instead, they went to
the division psychiatrist and asked him to ask the officer.
  So the psychiatrist walked into the men's room, sat on the edge
of the officer's desk and asked, "Why have you kept moving your desk?
Especially, why into the men's room?"
  "Well," said the officer, "I figure that this is the only place
in the Pentagon where they know what they're doing."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A very unpopular but powerful businessman died.  Two of his
"friends" saw the obituary notice and decided to go to his funeral.
When they arrived, they found the church very crowded.
  "My God!" said one.  "Look at all these people.  How do you
explain it?"
  "Well," said the other, "give people what they want and they all
show up."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A very heavyset woman got on a crowded bus.  She stood in the
aisle, looked around, and loudly complained, "Isn't anybody going to
give me a seat?"
  A thin man stood up and said, "I'll be glad to make a contribution."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A burglar entered a house in the middle of the night.  He was
interrupted when the owner awoke.  Drawing his gun, the burglar said,
"Don't move or I'll shoot.  I'm hunting for your money."
  "Let me turn on the light," replied the victim, "and I'll hunt
with you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A girl dressed in her wedding gown came running down the fairway toward
the eighth hole.  She was waving her arms and screaming, "Bob, what do 
you mean by this.  We've all been at the church for hours, waiting for 
you!"

  "Susie," he said, shaking his head, "if I've told you once, I've told 
you twenty times...only if it rains, only if it rains!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  It was a quadruple marriage, four men who were best of friends,
had just married four girls who were also very good friends.  After the
ceremony, they met at the hotel dining room and, while the men went
outside of smoke, the excited brides talked.  They soon got around to
discussing their thoughts on the forthcoming nuptial night and agreed
that they'd compare notes the next morning.  Since they couldn't discuss
matters before their husbands, they agreed on the code work, "morning."
That word would describe how many times they'd made love.
  At breakfast, the first two brides began to talk, "Good morning,
Mary," one said.
  "Good morning to you and isn't it a lovely morning?"
  The third bride remarked, "It's a great morning, all right, as
nice a morning as I've recently seen since the morning of the last
fourth of July."
  The fourth bride looked around, then said, "What a rotten day!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  One day a salesman stopped by the Tom Jenkins farm, knocked, and
Tom's wife Mabel came to the door.  "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he
asked.
  "Sure is.  He's over to the cow barn."
  "Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am.  Will I have any
difficulty finding him?"
  "Shouldn't have.  He's the one with the beard and mustache."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Does it take longer to run from first base to second or from second
   base to third?
A: From second to third, because there's a short stop in the middle.

Q: Is this water healthy for swimming?
A: Absolutely! It's well water.

Q: What classroom table doesn't have any legs?
A: The multiplication table.

Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, what kind of tree does chicken come
   from?
A: A poul-tree.

Q: What's worse than an octopus with tennis elbow?
A: A centipede with athlete's foot.

Q: What is the first part of a geography book?
A: The table of continents.

Q: What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?
A: A hoarse-fly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two complete strangers were golfing on an exclusive golf course. Not
another soul was in sight. Finally, one guy asked the other guy what
he did for a living. He told him he owned and managed the beautiful
condo complex they were coming up on along side the fairway. He said that
he and his beautiful young wife lived in the penthouse on the top floor.

  He than asked the other guy what he did for a living. the other 
stranger replied that he was a paid assassin. Seeing the disbelief on the
man's face he proceeds to start pulling sections of pipe out of his 
golfbag and begins assembling a high powered rifle. Finally getting the 
stock of the rifle assembled he hands the rifle to the stranger who is 
really admiring it. The assassin says wait a minute and pulls out a high 
powered scope and assembles that to the rifle.

  The first stranger looks thru the scope and is amazed at how close
his condo looks. He tells the assassin how close it looks and starts 
moving the rifle up the side of the condo. He exclaims, "I can see my 
penthouse; I can see inside my penthouse; I can see my beautiful wife; 
she's naked!; she's with another man!!!!"  Boy, was that condo owner 
pissed! He hands the rifle back to the assassin and demands to know how 
much he charged per bullet. The assassin replies $2000 per bullet. The 
owner says OK, I want you to take one bullet and shoot the man's cock 
off. Than I want you take another bullet and put it thru my wife's head. 

  The assassin says OK and starts adjusting the scope so he can get 
"clean" shots off. 

  Making the last adjustment, he suddenly turns to the owner and says, 
"Hey buddy, if you can wait for a couple of seconds I think I can save 
you  $2000!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                            I'm Tired

                         Yes I'm tired,
For years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of
 vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm
odor, yellow wax build up, and another dozen maladies that make
           you wonder if life is really worth living.
               But I found out that it ain't that.
               I'm tired because I am over worked.
  The population of this country is 51 million, 21 million are
         retired, that leaves 30 million to do the work.
There are 19 million at school, that leaves 11 million to do the
                              work.
   2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the
        government. That leaves 5 million to do the work.
One million are in the armed forces which leaves 4 million to do
                            the work.
 3 million are employed by County and Borough councils leaving 1
                     million to do the work.
   There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prison.
              That leaves 2 people to do the work.

                           You and Me.

           And you are sat on your arse reading this.
                   No wonder I'm bloody tired.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  After a bitter argument with his wife, Tom Nottings said, "Well,
I can tell you this...a woman is nothing but a rag, a bone and a hank of
hair!"
  His wife shot back:  "And man is nothing but a brag, a groan and
a tank of air!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Elsa had a new neighbor with whom she became quite friendly.  In
a discussion over coffee, the neighbor told Elsa how much she admired
her husband's piety.  "I watch him every morning when he gets in your
car to drive to the office," the neighbor said.  "He's so pious and
starts his day with a blessing."
  "Thank you so much," Elsa said to her neighbor, "but you got it
all wrong.  What my husband does, when he gets in the car, is not a
blessing, but a check to see that he's got his glasses, his cigarettes,
and that he's zipped."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  I heard a similar one about a Jewish man who was seen to cross himself 
after crawling out of his wrecked car. He was questioned by an 
acquaintance who saw this and wondered whether the close call had 
caused him to convert. "No," the man replied (with appropriate 
gestures), "I was checking my spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The puny little guy walked into the bar and joined a crowd of huge men 
lined up at the bar.  He had a drink and then told the other guys that 
his wife had told him to come home after just one drink.
  Of course, the big guys all sneered and said, "What are you, man or 
mouse?"
  "Heck fire, guys, I'm a man," the little guy said.
  "What in the devil makes you so derned sure of that?"
  "Well, I'll tell you," the little guy said.  "My wife is scared of 
mice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  One day, a merchant was about to close up when he saw a midget running
away from the police.  The midget ran up to the merchant and explained 
that he was from Czechoslovakia (pardon the spelling), and needed to 
hide.
The sympathetic merchant said, "Sure, I can cache a small Czech."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught 
embezzling millions from his employer. He was concerned about going to 
jail, but was told by the attorney, "Don't worry--you'll never go to jail 
with all that money." The lawyer was right. When the man went to prison, 
he didn't have a dime.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  In a large office full of administrators sat a worker at his desk, his 
IN and OUT boxes practically overflowing.  Yet he did not look the least 
bit harried.  On the front of his desk was a sign that read: 
THE BUCK PAUSES HERE AND, HAVING PAUSED, MOVES ON.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                   PLAYGIRL, INC.
                                  January 31, 1994

Dear Mrs. Smith,
   We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture of 
your husband.  We agree that his appearance in our March issue as the 
Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly 
fitting way for you to honor your 65th anniversary of wedded bliss.
   We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges as is our 
routine procedure, with the following results:
   When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to 40) 
on a scale from 1 to 10, his body was rated a -2.
   To further justify our ratings we submitted your photograph to 
another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100, but we 
couldn't get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate 
him.
   The Old American Women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over 
twenty years, said "we'll retain our widowed status!"
   The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps they 
could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!"
    We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your 
request for Bob on his 65th wedding anniversary.  We do, however, 
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. 
However, please be advised that the minimum requirement is that the 
staple used to hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot 
completely obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it 
would in Bob's case.

                                 Yours truly,


                              Hortense Blake, Editor
                              Playgirl, Incorporated
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A small girl was told she needed an X-ray.  When she came out of the 
X-ray room, she told her mother, "They took a picture of my bones."
  "Yes, dear," replied the mother.  "Did everything go all right?"
  "Sure," said the girl.  "It was amazing.  I didn't even have to take my
skin off!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  "I don't understand you women," Josh said to his wife.  "You go to a 
movie and cry like crazy over troubles of folks you don't even know and 
who don't even exist.  How do you explain it?"
  "Well," his wife replied, "its about like the way you guys howl and 
cheer and yell yourselves half hoarse when a ball player you never met 
hits a home run when other men...whom you don't know either...are on all 
three bases."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                   IMPORTANT NOTICE

 Employees dying on the job are failing to fall down.
  This practice must stop, as it becomes impossible
   to distinguish between death and the natural
    movement of the staff.  Any employee
     found dead in an upright position
      will be dropped from the payroll.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two men who owned a bar were getting ready to close up.  Suddenly a 
beautiful woman walks in.  "I'll bet you one roll of the dice for 
$2000", she says.  Since the bet is in their favor the men decide to 
go for it.  The women puts her money on the table.  "Just a minute she 
says", she goes into the restroom.  After a few minutes she comes out 
stark naked.  She rolls the dice "7", she says.  She takes the money 
and leaves.  after a few minutes one man says to the other, "Did you 
see that 7", "No I thought you did"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  THIS IS A STORY OUT OF THE MIAMI HERALD ON SATURDAY JANUARY 29,
  1994 TITLED: BEST NEWEST FASHION FAD CATCHING ON AMONG THE HIP,

 TRENDY, BUT WILL IT BEAT THE PANTS OFF TRADITIONAL MEN'S / MALE WEAR?

  What does outrageous disco diva RuPaul have in common with Rock's 
roughrider Axl Rose?  They both have to watch how they cross their legs 
when they sit.  You always do when you're in a skirt. Every guy knows 
that.  It may be a New fashion coming out for guys, the latest ode to 
androgyny - in trendy cities across the country, men are sashaying in 
skirts. And sarongs, Even Dresses.

  But don't get the wrong idea.  When you factor out RuPaul, the skirt 
thing can be quite butch.  It's all in the accessories: a plaid parochial 
school skirt can be macho, if combined with combat boots and a motorcycle
jacket, says Amado Mesa, Manager of Meet Min in Miami, a south Beach 
boutique ho Hip.  Finding one in stock isn't easy.  Mesa says the skirts 
have been flying off the racks.  So far, there maybe a threat skirts may 
beat the pants off traditional menswear.  You won't find men in skirts at
brickle Ave. law firms or in the Broward County Courthouse.  But you are 
beginning to see some pretty regular guys sporting skirts to do some 
pretty regular things.

  Take Joey Perez of Kendall.  He stepped out in a plaid skirt to get 
frozen yogurt with his girlfriend.  At high noon on a Saturday.  Of 
course, he was on trendy Ocean Drive. and he was looking pretty tough 
with his crusty old motorcycle boots and black Harley Davidson T-shirt.  
"Ok, maybe on the beach nobody even looks twice because everything is 
accepted here, but I have worn this skirt to pick up tomatoes and milk 
for my mother at Publix in Kendall.  It was no big deal," said Perez, 20, 
a business major at Florida International University. Perez has a simple 
explanation for the folks who don't get it.  "For one thing It's just a 
new fashion.  It was hip to wear belle bottoms. It hip to wear tacky, red 
vinyl jackets with a bunch of zippers all over it.  Now it's hip for guys 
to wear skirts.  It really isn't such a big deal, "he said. "plus, it's 
very comfortable. You stay cooler and looser, if you catch my drift."

  The Skirts have caught on with some pretty diverse groups of males.

  There are lots of brawny guys wearing skirts, said Mesa, the boutique 
manager, "Yes, it's popular in the guy club scene, but it's also popular 
with the very macho grunge rockers, too.

  It started with the celebrities, as these things always do. Axl Rose 
of Guns N Roses is partial to kilts with boots and shredded flannel 
shirts.  But rockers such as Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, Evan Dando of the 
Lemonheads and the guys for the Red Hot Chili Peppers are taking eve 
greater fashion risks.  They've gone on stage in vintage Victorian 
Dresses, 1940s Housedress, long silk sheaths and tube dress - much to 
the delight of adoring female fans.


  Once the rockers and the Disco divas started showing some leg, the 
grunge set in Seattle followed suit.  So did the club-scene boys in New 
York, L.A..., Houston, Atlanta and Miami.

  Mark Holt, 28, will sometimes wear his skirts to work at Miami 
Flashbacks, a memorabilia shop on Washington Ave.  "Who wouldn't want to 
wear a skirt? It's the most comfortable thing you could have on," said 
Holt, who is partial to parochial school designs.  he has a cost-cutting 
fashion tip - buy your skirts at a Catholic school supply store, where 
they go for about $24.00, Instead of the trendy boutique, where they're 
priced between $38.00 or up to 88.00 depending on the label.

  "They are especially comfortable if you don't wear underwear and 
catholic school skirts are made so that even Hurricane Andrew can't blow 
them up," Holt said. "The other day I shopped with bunch of school girls 
and their mothers.  The girls all though I was going to some heavy-metal 
concert that was in town that night.  That thought it was very cool."

  Skirts and kilts for men came into fashion more that a year ago and 
have been picking up popularity, said Carol Sadik of Miami, a national 
distributor for several labels. Although there are a couple of 
manufacturers making kilts specifically for men, most guys are wearing 
skirts intended for schoolgirls and women who play tennis.

  "In Houston, I sold a lot of black kilts to go with tuxedo coats this 
New Year's, she said "Everybody in Miami wanted white ones for the White 
Party." an annual fund raiser for AIDS programs that attracts party goers 
from all over the country clad in white.  Among the most sought after 
lines Sadik sells is Cycle Ventures, which makes a women's / men's plaid 
tennis skirt.  It retails for $59.00, 'It has a pocket for tennis balls 
that the men use to put their keys and money in," she said.

  Ivan Bernstein, 39, said he loves his plaid skirts - but he's sure he
would wear them outside his trendiness tolerant neighborhood.  "Hear 
nobody looks at you weird because you're in a skirt, but I'm not sure but 
maybe in the near future I may go over the causeway in on," he said.  
"But you know , a skirt, a tank top and a leather vest really do look 
very macho."


  But why do it?  Why is Bernstein wearing Skirts? "Just following a New 
Fashion," Bernstein said.  "It's something new to try.  It feels good, 
too,"

  Tommy at the Beach on Collins Ave. does a brisk kilt business. And they
just started carrying sarongs ($33.00 and 25.00) and hula skirts (55.00) 
made for men.

  "They are the next step," said manager Kenny Caulfield. "The hula 
skirts are beautiful. they are Full-Length, real grass, Dyed in Neon 
Colors.  A lot of guys love them."

  But of course, nothing is sacred.

  Now you are even seeing a lot of women buying the skirts. That's the 
latest thing," said David Weaver, a salesman at ETE on Lincoln Road,  
"they are really getting into the whole thing."


SKIRT HISTORY:

  Guys in Skirts is noting new During the early years of the ancient 
Egyptian civilization, men sported wraparounds. through the years, they 
began wearing longer skirts, often wearing one skirt over another.  The 
Sumerians, the Babylonians and the Assyrians (Men and women) also wore 
skirts and long gowns.

  It was the Persians who first began cutting and fitting garments rather
than just draping themselves in pieces of fabric.

  The men wore trousers tightly fitted at the ankles, historians say, 
because they were better suited for hunting and riding.

  In the early Middle Ages, Men and Women wore tunics, the guys wore 
loose breeches under their tunics.  They also wrapped the legs in long 
pieces of cloth and wore long stockings.

  In the Renaissance, clothing became fancier. Women wore dresses with 
low square necklines and skirts that popped out stiffly over petticoats.  
Men wore longer stockings as jackets became shorter.  The stockings 
became close-fitting trousers resembling tights of today.  They also wore 
short, puffed breeches called upper stocks.

  By about 1815, Fashionable men in Europe and the United States were 
wearing trousers instead of knee breeches, which had been the style for 
more than 200 Years.  The trouser thing caught on and remains with us.

  In the 1880s,, a European designer introduced the first suits for 
women.  A type of Blouse called a shirtwaist, worn with a skirt, became 
fashionable in the 1890s.

  In the 1930s, women began wearing slacks. Pants outfits, tailored with 
padded shoulders, became stylish for women in the 1940s..  END OF NEWS 
STORY

  Well to all who reading this what do you all think about it?

  My opinion on the subject is I think it's about time that the guys 
found a new fashion well as ladies know men's clothes are like kind of 
boring and I think its about time they started something new well you 
can't say it's new.  I guess this type of new is actually something old 
and very at that.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  I met this wonderful girl.  About a year after going out with her she 
told me she had made a list of "Requirements" that she wanted in a man.

Here's her list:

        1) Handsome
        2) Charming
        3) Financially Successful
        4) A Caring Listener
        5) Witty
        6) In Good Shape
        7) Dresses With Style
        8) Appreciates the Finer Things
        9) Full of Thoughtful Little Surprises
       10) An Imaginative, Romantic Lover


Well, I guess the honeymoon is over.  She has recently revised her list:


        1) Not Too Ugly
        2) Doesn't Belch and/or Scratch in Public
        3) Works Steady
        4) Doesn't Nod Off While I'm Emoting
        5) Usually Remembers Punchlines of Jokes
        6) Is In Good Enough Shape to Re-Arrange the Furniture
        7) Usually Wears Matching Socks
        8) Knows Not to Buy Champagne with Screw-Top Lids
        9) Remember's to Put The Toilet Seat Lid Down.... Sometimes
       10) Shaves On Weekends


Now, I can handle the NEW set!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results ("mini-JIR")
Issue Number 1994-01
January, 1994
ISSN 1072-7159
Key words:science humor,irreproducible results,Ig Nobel
------------------------------------------------------------
The Official Electronic mini-Organ of
The Society for Basic Irreproducible Research
------------------------------------------------------------
Produced jointly by
The Journal of Irreproducible Results (JIR) and
The MIT Museum
============================================================

-----------------------------
1994-01-01  TABLE OF CONTENTS

1994-01-01  Table of Contents
1994-01-02  Purpose of the mini-Journal (*)
1994-01-03  Abstracts from JIR, vol. 39, no. 1, Jan/Feb 94
1994-01-04  Commentary: The Gallo Case: Power Helps
1994-01-05  JIR Recommends
1994-01-06  "The Irreproducible Sex Tour": Calling All Instigators
1994-01-07  Calendar of Upcoming Events
1994-01-08  Calls for Papers
1994-01-09  How to Submit Articles to JIR (*)
1994-01-10  How to Subscribe / How to Get Back Issues (*)
1994-01-11  A Message From Our Beleaguered Technical Brains
1994-01-12  Yes, please DO make copies! (*)
1994-01-13  Irreproducible Section
1994-01-14  Bobbitt Re-attachment

            Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue.


---------------------------------------
1994-01-02  Purpose of the mini-Journal (*)

The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results publishes news about overly
stimulating research and ideas. Specifically:

A) Haphazardly selected superficial (but advanced!) extracts of research
news and satire from the Journal of Irreproducible Results (JIR).

B) News about the annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony. Ig Nobel Prizes honor
"achievements that cannot or should not be reproduced." A public
ceremony is held at MIT, in Cambridge Massachusetts, every autumn. The
ceremony is sponsored jointly by JIR and by the MIT Museum.

C) News about other science humor activities conducted by the MIT Museum
and JIR.

------------------------------------------------------------
1994-01-03  Abstracts from JIR, vol. 39, no. 1, Jan/Feb 94

This section contains abstracts of articles that appear in volume 39,
number 1 (the January/February 1994 issue) of The Journal of
Irreproducible Results (JIR).

[PLEASE NOTE: JIR 39:1 is the annual swimsuit issue.]

           |  FOR FULL TEXT (including lurid   |
           |  photographs) OF THESE ARTICLES   |
           |  SEE THE CURRENT ISSUE OF JIR.  * |

"The Wrinkle Factor Gene" by Max F. Rothschild
This paper describes experiments to identify a gene responsible for
excessive wrinkling in pigs, and subsequently in dogs and humans.

"Continuous Force Induced Medial Movement of the External Auditory
Medial Movement of the External Meatus and Auricle" by Laurence I. Barsh
To help prevent the spread of diseases, most notably AIDS, most dentists
now routinely wear masks that cover the mouth and are held in place with
elastic bands around the ears. A 36-month study assesses how much
"orthodontic" movement of the ear is induced by the continuous tensile
force which these bands exert.

"Footnotes to the First Paragraph of Chapter Three" by David Weinberger
Key literary, philosophical and technological allusions are identified
and explained for a brief quotation attributed to James Joyce, a senior
Vice President at a brokerage firm in Albany, New York. The quote was
discovered in the journal "Information Week," in paragraph 3 of an
article about high technology restructuring.

"The Effects of Peanut Butter on the Rotation of the Earth" by George
August, Anita Balliro et al
An extensive multidiscipinary study analyzes the effects of peanut
butter on the rotation of the earth.

"Untoward Behavior at the Third First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony" by
Francesca Thurston and Stephen Drew
The Third First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony is described in detail,
with a complete list of the winners, highlights from the acceptance
speeches, complete text of the seven Heisenberg Certainty Lectures
(presented by: Nobel Laureates William Lipscomb, Sheldon Glashow and
Dudley Herschbach; economist Paul Krugman; jazz harpist Deborah Henson-
Conant; "Einstein's Dreams" author Alan Lightman; and Russell Johnson,
Professor Emeritus from Gilligan's Island), and more than 15 shocking
photographs.

"Law and the Chicken" (first of three parts) by Roger I. Abrams
The author conducts the first extensive examination of the concept and
role of the chicken in western jurisprudence.

"Politically Bulletproof Testimony" by Shelby Miller
New details emerge concerning SBIR's new service of providing experts to
assist scientists in testifying to congress. Most notably: a surcharge
applies to testimony before certain committees (Dingel), and/or in
connection with the Department of Energy, with AIDS-related drug
therapies, and/or with regard to the atmospheric ozone layer.

"My Favorite Microbe: The Impossible Life of Eschericihia coli" by X.
Perry Mental
E. coli is the most examined and exploited of microbes. In many ways it
has contributed more to science than have most scientists. A senior
statesman of science gives E. coli an elegant, informed appreciation.

"Candidate for a Pullet Surprise" by Jerrold H. Zar
        "I have a spelling checker.
        It came with my PC.
        It plane lee marks four my review
        Miss steaks aye can knot see."
The author elaborates on this theme.

"Technology Update: The Brain Tachometer" by Stephen Drew.
A new device measures how fast the mind is racing. For commercial
reasons, no details are presented as to what exactly is measured, what
the units represent, or how different values are to be interpreted.

Interview with Nobel Physics Laureate Nicolaas Bloembergen, by Marc
Abrahams
The 1981 Nobel Physics Laureate declines to answer an impersonal
question.

"Elegant Results" (regular column) by Alice Shirell Kaswell
Styles, trends, and tidbits, culled from leading research journals.
In this issue: findings from the research journal "Vogue."

"Scientific Gossip" (regular column) by Stephen Drew
Contains 100% gossip from concentrate. In this issue: Three Minute Gold;
Compelling Research; Sight versus Rights; Experiments in Alcoholism; No
Middle Down Under; Singapore Science; Flask Flap; One-Night Standoffs;
Help for Shy Talkers.

           |   FOR FULL TEXT (including lurid   |
           |   photographs) OF THESE ARTICLES   |
           |   SEE THE CURRENT ISSUE OF JIR.  * |

             * In case you don't have access to a
               current issue, for subscription details
               please see the end of this document.

----------------------------------------------
1994-01-04  Commentary: The Gallo Case

Commentary by X. Perry Mental, Honorary Chairman, The Society for Basic
Irreproducible Research (SBIR)

     "Misconduct charges against Gallo withdrawn..."
          ---Nature, 366, 191, 1993

     "US clears top AIDS scientist"
          ---International Herald Tribune, Nov 13, 1993, p. 5

These are the surprising[1] headlines.  After nine years of suspicion
and 5 years of investigation, Dr. Robert C. Gallo was cleared of all
charges of misconduct by the US dept. of Health and Human Services
(USDHHS), after the office "abandoned hope of winning the final
adjudicatory hearing on Dr. Gallo..." because "the evidence produced by
ORI (Office of Research Integrity) did not stand up top legal scrutiny"
(Nature 366, 99, 1993). The charges against Gallo were that "he
misstated in a scientific article how important French research was to
his work and failed to give credit to another scientist (Gazdar) who had
invented the cell culture crucial to his work".

Actually the scapegoat[2] of the whole affair was Gallo's collaborator,
Mikulas Popovic, who originally was found by ORI guilty on 4 counts of
scientific misconduct (and as a result was unemployed for 4 years).
Popovic has now been exonerated by the USDHHS Appeals Board.

As a result of this whole affair, ORI is preparing revised guidelines on
the basis of which a scientist can be convicted of fraud only if he
(she) knew that "a sentence in his/her manuscript might be misleading."

Let us hope that this will be so.  Anyway, Power helps.

NOTES:
[1] to be accurate about it, let us say: "headlines surprising to many"

[2] one can rephrase this: "unfortunate victim"


--------------------------

1994-01-05  JIR Recommends

Research reports that merit a trip to the library:

"Colonic Removal of a 'Pop-Up Meat Thermometer' from the Sigmoid Colon,"
by R. G. Norfleet, G. Skerven, and H. T. Chatterton, "Journal of
Clinical Gastroenterology," vol. 6, no. 5, pp. 477-478. (Thanks to the
science reference staff at the Boston Public Library for bringing this
to our attention.)

"Groucho Running," by T. A. McMahon, G. Valiant, and E. C. Frederick,
"Journal of Applied Physiology," vol. 62, 1987, pp. 2326-2337.


___--------------------------------------------------------
1994-01-06 "The Irreproducible Sex Tour": Calling All Instigators

In honor (?) of the new JIR book, "Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning
Rubble," (see section 1994-01-10 below) we are organizing a 20 city
"Irreproducible Sex Tour" of North America. The tour will feature JIR
readings/seminars/slide shows. It will take place approximately during
March and April. Stops already scheduled include:
        Library of Congress (Washington, DC)
        National Institutes of Health (Bethesda, MD)
        MENSA (New York City)
        The Franklin Institute (Philadelphia)

We are scheduling the tour right now. If you would like to be a
host/instigator for an Irreproducible Science Event at your city,
university, hospital, research center, high school, book store, etc.,
ASAP please contact:
   Lisa Bernstein   (dubno@nysernet.ORG)
   Workman Publishing, 708 Broadway, New York, NY 10013
   (212) 614-7505       FAX:(212) 254-8098



If you are a JIR author and/or if you want to read, shout, or otherwise
present your irreproducible research results in public, please contact
Marc Abrahams (jir@mit.edu) as soon as possible.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
1994-01-07      Calendar of Upcoming Events

::::: Irreproducible Science Night at the Bookcellar Cafe
Wednesday, Feb. 9, 1994, 7:30-9 pm., Cambridge, MA
JIR Readings and slide show, featuring the author of "Cakus Chocolatus
and the Treatment of Disease," and other classic works. This is the
second of what will now become a regular series of Irreproducible
Science Nights at The Bookcellar Cafe, 1971 Massachusetts Avenue,
Cambridge, (617) 864-9625.

::::: "Crazy After Calculus" :::::
An ongoing exhibition of extraordinary humor at MIT from prehistoric
times through the present day.
   The MIT Museum
   265 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA  02139  USA
   (617) 253-4422               (ktl@mitvma.mit.edu)

::::: 1994 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony :::::
Thursday evening, October 6, 1994 at MIT in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
You are cordially invited to attend. You are also invited to submit
nominations for this year's Ig Nobel Prizewinners.


------------------------------------------
1994-01-08  Calls for Papers

CALL FOR PAPERS on the topic: "Odd Numbers."  Please enclose
photomicrographs.

CALL FOR PAPERS on the topic: "The Effects of Punctuated Evolution on
the Eardrum."  Please submit research results only, not speculative
essays.

CALL FOR ESSAYS for JIR's "Worst Science Teacher Competition." Essays
must be 300 words or less, explaining how and why, despite the
competition, your nominee is the world's worst science teacher. Please
enclose any photographs, diagrams, or other evidence that might bolster
your case. All entries become the property of JIR. The winning essayist
and the worst teacher will both be invited to attend the 1994 Ig Nobel
Prize Ceremony at their own expense. [A stilted note for incurably
serious readers: the underlying purpose of this competition is to
publicize the importance of GOOD science teachers!]


----------------------------------------
1994-01-09  How to Submit Articles to JIR (*)

Since 1955, The Journal of Irreproducible Results has been the
publication of record for overly stimulating research and ideas. JIR
publishes original articles, news of particularly egregious scientific
results, and short notices of satiric and humorous intent. The editors
look forward to receiving your manuscripts, photographs, X-rays,
drawings, etc. Please do not send biological samples.

Articles are typically 500-2000 words in length. The entire manuscript
should be typed double-spaced on standard white bond paper, with
generous margins all around, and submitted with a photocopy.
Alternatively, you may submit via e-mail, in ASCII format.

Because of the volume of submissions, we are unable to acknowledge
receipt of manuscripts unless they are accompanied by a SELF-ADDRESSED,
ADEQUATELY STAMPED ENVELOPE.

Before you submit an article to The Journal of Irreproducible Results,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE skim through a recent issue to see the typical
length and format of JIR articles.  At the same time, please read the
"Information for Contributors" notice in any issue of JIR. Articles may
be submitted to:
   Marc Abrahams, editor
   The Journal of Irreproducible Results
   c/o Wisdom Simulators
   P.O. Box 380853
   Cambridge, MA  02238  USA
   Telephone number for editorial matters: (617) 491-4437

A list of arbitrary suggestions for authors can be obtained by sending a
SELF-ADDRESSED, ADEQUATELY STAMPED ENVELOPE to the same address.

E-mail address for editorial questions:  jir@mit.edu


---------------------------
1994-01-10 How to Subscribe / How to Get Back Issues (*)

mini-JIR
The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results is an electronic publication,
available over the Internet, free of charge. It is distributed as a
LISTSERV application.  We expect to publish 6-12 issues per year.
To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to either of these addresses:
       LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU     or      LISTSERV@MITVMA
The body of your message should contain ONLY the words "SUBSCRIBE MINI-
JIR" followed by your name.
Here are two examples:
       SUBSCRIBE MINI-JIR Irene Curie Joliet
       SUBSCRIBE MINI-JIR Nicholas Lobachevsky
To stop subscribing,
send the following message to the same address:
       SIGNOFF MINI-JIR
To obtain a list of back issues,
send this message:
        INDEX MINI-JIR
To retrieve a particular back issue,
send a message specifying which issue you want.
For example, to retrieve issue 93-00002, send this message:
        GET MINI-JIR 93-00002
If you have questions about how to subscribe, or if you would like to
re-distribute mini-JIR, please send e-mail to:  mgeller@mit.edu
[PLEASE NOTE: if you are regularly posting mini-JIR on your gopher, WWW,
news group or mailing list, please drop an e-mail note to
mgeller@mit.edu so that we can compile a complete resource list --
thanks!]

       |  FOR FULL TEXT (including lurid photographs) |
       |  OF THE ARTICLES ABSTRACTED IN MINI-JIR      |
       |  SEE THE CURRENT ISSUE OF JIR.               |

JIR
The Journal of Irreproducible Results is a print publication published
six times per year. JIR is written by scientists from around the world,
and read by subscribers in 41 countries.
To subscribe, send payment to:
   By phone:    (800) 759-6102 or (617) 876-7000
   By FAX:              (617) 876-7022 (include credit card info)
   By mail:             The Journal of Irreproducible Results
                        c/o Wisdom Simulators, P.O. Box 380853
                        Cambridge, MA  02238  USA

   Rates for a year's subscription:
   U.S.                         individuals $21         libraries $40
   Canada, Mexico               individuals $27.50      libraries $46
   Elsewhere            individuals $43         libraries $62
                        Please call for multiple gift rates

New Book
A new book of outstanding JIR research has just been published:
A) "Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and further
improbabilities): More of the Best of The Journal of Irreproducible
Results," Marc Abrahams, editor, Workman Publishing, New York, 1993.
ISBN 1-56305-312-8

Previous Books:
B) "The Best of the Journal of Irreproducible Results," George H.
Scherr, editor,Workman Publishing, New York, 1983.   ISBN 0-89480-595-9
C) "Journal der Unwiederholbaren Experimente," George H. Scherr, editor,
Kruger Verlag, Frankfurt, 1986
D) "Journal der Unwiederholbaren Experimente II," George H. Scherr,
editor, Kruger Verlag, Frankfurt, 1989   ISBN 3-8105-1714-3

Items (A) and (B) are available in most libraries and bookstores,
and from the MIT Museum (617) 253-4462.


---------------------------
1994-01-11  A Message From Our Beleaguered Technical Brains

We are currently experiencing some unfortunately non-irreproducible
difficulties.  One problem is that many subscribers are receiving
multiple copies of each issue.  With a list as large as MINI-JIR has
become, even behemoth computers seem to have trouble getting everything
sent out in one try.  So, they start over and keep trying.  There is a
way around this problem -- maybe -- but we haven't been able to get it
implemented just yet.  In the mean time, as I suggested to one
subscriber who gave me information on his multiple copies, we suggest
that you use the extra copies to line the bottom of your virtual
birdcage for your ethereal parakeet.

A second significant problem is mail bounces we've received for users
whose nodes are not accepting mail.  Sometimes, nodes are not properly
registered; sometimes systems are down; sometimes the byte-sized Gods
just aren't smiling on us.  Subscribers in the United Kingdom seem to be
hardest hit.  As luck would have it, we haven't got a satisfactory
solution for this problem yet either.  If some kind colleague passes
this issue on to you because you didn't get your own copy, you can check
to see if you are properly subscribed by sending a one line message to:
        LISTSERV@MITVMA or LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU
that reads:
        QUERY MINI-JIR
By return mail, you should receive information about your mail setting
for this list or a message stating that you are not subscribed.  If you
don't get anything at all, there's something wrong!  Check with your
local postmaster to see if the node is properly registered or what the
correct form of node name is.
                --Marilyn Geller, Technical Brains (mgeller@mit.edu)


---------------------------
1994-01-12 Yes, please DO make copies! (*)

Please DO send copies of mini-JIR to anyone who might be interested.

The only limitations are:
A) You must copy the whole document, without making any changes to it.
B) You do NOT have permission to copy this document for commercial
purposes.

The contents of this document are copyright (c) 1994, Marc Abrahams.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
The mini-Journal of Irreproducible Results ("mini-JIR")
     Editor: Marc Abrahams (jir@mit.edu)
     Technical Brains: Marilyn Geller (mgeller@mit.edu)
--------------------------------------------------------------------


___------------------------
1994-01-14      Bobbitt Re-attachment

By request from scholars who are studying the Bobbitt trials, and in
recognition of our position as the official mini-organ of the Society
for Basic Irreproducible Research, we are reprinting the following
citation from the medical literature. The information is presented in
the form of a re-attachment to this document:
             |           |
             |           |
             |           |
             |           |
             |           |
              |           |
              |           |
              |           |
              |           |
              |           |
"Surgical Management of an Epidemic of Penile Amputations in Siam," by
Kasian Bhanganada, Tu Chayavatana, Chumporn Pongnumkul, Anunt
Tonmukayakul, Piyasakol Sakolsatayadorn, Krit Komaratal, and Henry
Wilde, "The American Journal of Surgery," 1983, no. 146, pp. 376-382.
The report reads in part: "It became fashionable in the decade after
1970 for the humiliated Thai wife to wait until her [philandering]
husband fell asleep so that she could quickly sever his penis with a
kitchen knife. A traditional Thai home is elevated on pilings and the
windows are open to allow for ventilation. The area under the house is
the home of the family pigs, chickens, and ducks. Thus, it is quite
usual that an amputated penis is tossed out of an open window, where it
may be captured by a duck."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Once upon a time a man was born who was only a head.  This man had no 
body, arms, or legs.  He was just a head.  Throughout his life he was 
picked on because he was different and had no body.

  One day he went to an old wiseman and asked for help.  The wiseman gave
the troubled guy a potion.  This potion was supposed to give him a body 
and a chance at being normal.  The man drank the potion and all of a 
sudden a neck popped out.  He drank again and a chest with arms popped 
out.  He took a final drink and he choked.  This choke resulted in his 
death.

  At that point the wiseman spoke up and said, "He should have quit while
he was a head!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Mrs. Cedric Gotbux was a New York dowager.  She was snobbish,
haughty and always a bore!  One evening, for dinner, her cook served her
ox tongue.  The dowager couldn't identify the meat at first, so called
in the cook.  "What is this?"
  "Ox tongue, Ma'am," the cook answered.
  "Ox tongue!" the dowager snapped.  "How dare you serve me something out
of a cow's mouth!"
  "Well, Ma'am, this morning you ate eggs."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  This story takes place some time in the future, when transplant surgery
has become so successful that even brain transplants are possible.  An 
ambitious young businessman seemed to be losing his energy and ideas and 
went to his doctor for a checkup.  After consulting with specialists, the 
doctor reported, "Rupert, I'm afraid you need a new brain...a 
transplant."
  "My goodness!," exclaimed Rupert, "I've heard about those, But, uh, how
much do they cost?"
  "Well," the doctor replied, "it depends on what kind of brain we 
implant.  A lawyer's brain is about $15,000.  A good medical brain is 
$30,000.  Then there's an army officer's brain.  That costs $60,000."
  "But that's preposterous," said the patient.  "How can an army
officer's brain cost twice as much as a doctor's brain?"
  "An army officer's brain is as good as new," said the doctor. "It's 
never been used."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A woman was having a dream:  A tall, sinister man was approaching her 
bed.  In terror, she asked him, "What are you going to do?"
  The man smiled slightly, "That's up to you, lady.  It's your dream."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  As far as I'm concerned, old age is fifteen years from now!

  At eighty, there are six women for every man.  What a time to get odds 
like that.

  The best time for men to have babies is when they're eighty. That's 
when they have to get up ten times a night anyway!

  Old age is when a woman buys a sheer nightie and doesn't know anyone 
who can see through it!

  She doesn't show her age, but if you look under her makeup it's there.

  His wife powders, and he puffs!

  She was born in the Year of Our Lord only knows!

  He dines with the upper set.  He should use his lowers too!

  Instead of a daily dozen, he's got a daily doesn't.

  She's been pressing sixty so long it's pleated!

  Old age is creaking up on her!

  He's so old his typewriter runs on wood!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  I remember my dad telling about the first time the old Indian saw a
man riding a bicycle.  He just shrugged in disgust and said, "White man
plenty lazy.  Even have to sit down to walk!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A chinaman had come to work on the railroads.  After his first time in 
an American bar he stepped out and looking at one of his friends said, 
"These white men are strange.  They take a glass and put ice in it to 
make it cold, whiskey in it to make it hot, sugar in it to make it sweet 
and lemon in it to make it sour.  Then they say, 'Here's to you' and 
drink it themselves!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Reasons Top Ten Lists Exist:

10. Few people have enough fingers to make Top Eleven lists.
9.  They taste great and are less filling than Top Twenty lists.
8.  Everything matches a Top Ten list.
7.  There is no number seven.
6.  NASA set the standard with their 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1....
5.  Ten is just a darn funny number.
4.  It furthers the math educations of our young people by making
    them count.
3.  Top Ten lists are hypo-allergenic.
2.  Top Ten lists contain only natural vowels and consonants.
1.  No preservatives.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Headlines and comments compiled by Jay Leno:

Headline: Area man wins award for nuclear plant accident.
Leno: Four days, three nights in beautiful downtown Chernobyl.

Headline: Londoner fatally injured by turnip.
Leno: When turnips are outlawed, only outlaws will have turnips.

Headline: Three ambulances take blast victim to hospital.
Leno: Sorry about your torso, but the second ambulance got stuck in
traffic.

Headline: Man says body is his wife, but she tells police it isn't.
Leno: Let's let the mailman settle this.

Headline: Dog that bit two people ordered to leave town.
Leno: How was this explained to the dog exactly?

Headline: Don't leave kids alone with molester.
Leno: Am I glad I read the paper today.

Headline: July 4, 1776 was `a turning point in history,' President
says.
Leno: Who says politicians are afraid to go out on a limb?

Headline: Experts are sure the Dow will either rise or decline.
Leno: Boy, business forecasting is an exact science, isn't it?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The top ten things overheard at the Bobbitt trial.

 1.  Who ordered the diet slice?

 2.  Could you honor instruct juror no. 4 to stop giggling?

 3.  Mr. Bobbitt, please rise.

 4.  "I paid $500 dollars for this ticket, now dammit, I want to hear 
     Strisand sing!"
 
 5.  "What's Andrew Giuliani doing here?"

 6.  "One million bucks.  All you've got to say is say you used a ginsu"

 7.  "Mr. Bobbitt, I'm with the Velcro Corporation, and we've got an 
     idea for an ad"

 8.  "If president Clinton was here I bet he'd be eating french fries"

 9.  "I said place your HAND on the bible"

10. " Look out , Lorena's got the gavel!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Art of Being Wrong:

'And for the tourist who really wants to get away
from it all - safaris in Vietnam' - Newsweek predicting
popular holidays for the late 1960's

'ALL THE PASSENGERS ARE SAFE' - Lancashire Evening Post
headline on their report of the Titanic sinking.

'Television won't last. Its a flash in the pan' - Mary
Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.

'The Beatles? They're on the wane' - the Duke of Edinburgh
in Canada 1965.  They went on to produce five albums and
eleven singles, most of which got to number One.

'Radio has no future' - Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society,
1890-5.

'Heavier than air flying machines are impossible' - Lord Kelvin.
President of the Royal Society,1890-5.

'X-Rays will prove to be a hoax'-Lord Kelvin, President of the 
Royal Society, 1890-5.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
ABSENT : (adj) The notation generally following your name in a class
         record.

ADMISSIONS OFFICE : (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you've
                    mooned the keynote speaker during "New Student 
                    Weekend".

ANATOMY : (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you
          find out what it really involves.

BIOLOGY : (n) A class that is located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

BOOK : (n) A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay
       awake long enough to read the night before finals.

BOOK BAG : (n) A large container in which students store candy bars,
           gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them,
           yo-yo's, sunglasses, student ID's, loose change, magazines,
           and occasionally.....books.

CAFETERIA : (n) From two Latin words "Cafe," meaning "place to eat" and
            "Teria," meaning "to wretch".

CAFFEINE : (n) One of the four basic food groups.

CALL : (v) What you can't do because your stupid roommate has to go over
       every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid
       hometown sweetheart.

COACH : (n) A kind of teacher who rewards successful "students" with a
        new corvette.

CUM LAUDE : (n) How students in southern universities call dogs named
            "Laude".

D-MINUS : (n) A pretty good grade.

DORM : (n) Students residence located only a few convenient miles from
       8 a.m. classes.

DORMROOM : (n) A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of
           incompatible people.

EDUCATION BUDGET : (n) Money you allocate each month for movies and
                   magazines.

EGGHEAD : 1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets
             straight A's.
          2) (n) That same student once you've dropped eggs on him from
             the roof of the science lab.

EXTRA CREDIT : (n) What you wish you had on your credit card.

F : (n) A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a test
    paper.

JUNIOR VARSITY : (n) The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes
                 to watch.

KAPPA : (n) What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their 
        headas.

KITCHENETTE : (n) A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.

KLUTZ : (n) What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to
        slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you're holding.

LAB : (n) A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead
      frogs they dissect.

LETTERMEN : (n) Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters
            proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.

LIBERAL ARTS : (n) See: "Would you like fries with that?"

LOUNGE : (n) Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the
         only furniture that isn't soiled, ripped or scarred is 
         immediately stolen.

MAJOR : (n) Area of study that no longer interests you.

MIDNIGHT OIL : (n) What you make popcorn in.

MISERY : (n) The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person
         your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are so 
         much alike".

NICKNAME : (n) Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster" attached
           in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity. For example,
           "Bobster," "Hankster" or "Georgester".

NO : (n) The response that guys who will spend most of their time in the
     gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test.

NUDE MODELS : (n) The reason for your sudden interest in art.

OFF-CAMPUS PARKING : (n) Ample extra parking usually found in an
                     adjoining county.

OTHELLO : (n) Unless you're an English major, who really cares??

OUT : (n) Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she
      belongs to calls with a very important message.

PAPER : (n) Your rendering of the cliff notes.

POSTER : (n) An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making
         people think you've been to foreign lands and done things you
         never have.

PRE-LAW : (n) The major of a person who will end up in sales.

VICE SQUAD : (n) A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the
             impression that they were invited to your dorm party.

VENDING MACHINE : (n) A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast,
                  lunch and dinner.

VICTOR : (n) Your football team's weekly opponent.

VICTORY : (n) A rarity : A three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN
          spell.

WEEKEND : (n) Two day period during which your growling stomach makes
          you really wish you'd signed up for a seven day meal plan.

WHIZ KID : (n) Your college nickname. But not for the reason people 
           think.

WINDELLAS : (n) Name of the circus family you can run away and join when
            your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.

WINTER : (n) When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in.

WORK-STUDY : (n) Two things not done by a majority of students.

WRISTWATCH : (n) That device on your arm that lets you know which class
             you're currently late for.

X-RAY : (n) A medical technique that will display cafeteria meatballs up
        to ten years after they're eaten.

XYLEM : (n) We're not going to tell you this. You should know this.
        You took Biology, didn't you? (Were you asleep that day or what?)

YALE : 1) (n) A well known ivy league university.
       2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.

YEARBOOK : (n) A book containing student pictures that will keep getting
           nerdier as the years go by.

YESTERDAY : (n) When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.

YIELD SIGN : (n) Dormitory wall decoration you "purchased" around 3 in
             the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer.

ZEPPELIN : 1) (n) A large blimp.
           2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in one's
              underwear.

ZERO : (n) The number of times you've gotten to eat most of the pizza
       you ordered.

ZOO : (n) What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.

ZOOLOGY : (n) The study of animal life. (See: "Frat boys at Homecoming")
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: So they can stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why does Smokey the Bear have flat feet?
A: So he can stamp out flaming ducks!

Q: What is the most dangerous time in the forest?
A; Between 2:00 and 4:00 PM.

Q: Why is that the most dangerous time?
A: 'Cause that's when the elephants are jumping out of the trees.

Q: Why are there pygmies?
A: They are people who walked thru the forest between 2:00 and 4:00 PM.

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: It helps them bounce back into the trees between 2:00 and 4:00 PM.

Q: What's the most dangerous sound in the forest?
A: Boing . . . boing . . . boing . . .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The salesman called the house and the little boy answered (whispering),
          "Hello"
Salesman: "May I speak to your mother or father?"
Boy:      "They're busy"
Salesman: "Then what about your sister, is she home?"
Boy (still whispering), "Yeah, but she's busy too".
Salesman: "Well do you have a brother?"
Boy:      "He's busy too".
Salesman: "What's going on there?  They can't ALL be busy! I want to
           talk to an adult. Please get one for me."
Boy:      "I can't.  They're all busy".
Salesman: "What, may I ask, are they all so busy doing?"
Boy (still whispering): "Looking for me."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exterminator  (n.) A retired hit-man.
Crick   (n.) The sound a Japanese camera makes.
Clique   (n.) The sound a French camera makes.
Define   (n.) De ting you get for breaking de law.
Pumpkin   (v.) The act of getting information out of your relatives.
Freeway   (n.) Much cheaper than the other way.
Electric Organ   (n.) A girls best friend.
Violins   (n.) What there is too much of on TV. (Sex and Violins)
Analyze   (v.) Another name for hindsight. (Anal-eyes)
Crater   (v.) What you do when you need to ship her overseas.
Caesar   (v.) syn. "Grab Her!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  As most Americans probably know, Abraham Lincoln was not only wise but 
very witty...and always to the point.  One time he was asked why he never 
took a definite position in arguments between members of his Republican 
party.  He responded that..."In a fight between man and wife, a third 
party should never get between the woman's skillet and the man's 
axe-handle."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Talk about snooty!   That Mrs. Simkins is impossible.  Why, she's so 
rich she sends her dishes to be dry-cleaned!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Edith and Paul Seaman wanted tomatoes but they weren't priced. So she 
carried four of them to the check-out counter and asked the price. 
"They're a dollar apiece," the cashier said.
  "What!  A dollar apiece!" Paul shouted.  "Why that's outrageous!
Well, you can take them and you know what you can do with them, too."
  "Sorry, I can't Sir.  There's a $5.00 cucumber there already."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  An elderly couple were sitting in the kitchen when the stove blew up 
and sent them both sailing out to land in a haystack.
  "You OK, Paw?" the wife asked.
  "Yep.  Lucky, I guess.  You OK, Ma?"
  "Yep!  Kinda enjoyed it.  Seems like it's the first time we been out 
together in years."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Clarence Brown was preceded in death by his wife, Erma.  Some ten years
after she died, Clarence joined her in heaven and Erma was explaining how 
delightful it was.  "Every night we have singing and dancing, then we 
play bingo and when you get tired of all that, you can go see an old Bing 
Crosby movie."
  "Wonderful," Clarence said.  "But it makes me darned mad to think that 
if it weren't for that oat bran I've been eating, I'd have been up here 
years ago."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A guy had just gotten out of jail after 10 years. He went to a bar and 
had his first beer in a decade. After satisfying that thirst he 
realized that there was something else he had not had in 10 years 
either. He sidled up to a gal at the bar, put his hand on her breast 
and said, "Hey, baby, lets do it." She had him arrested for gross 
sexual imposition and he ended up back in the slammer.
The moral of this tale?: You can't end a sentence with a proposition.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who's the Elder God we fear?
Cthulhu, Cthulhu!
Who sleeps on from year to year?
Cthulhu is his name.
Going to pray all night
Going to chant all day
'Til he rises from the ocean floor
Then we will run away!

Words copyright Kay Shapero 1990
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Adam and Eve, after just being created, engaged in an orgy of passion. 
Afterwards, Eve felt unclean, and went into the ocean to bathe.  Up in 
Heaven, God said to himself, "How am I ever going to get the smell off 
the fish??"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot were seated next to each other 
in the pub, all enjoying a pint of their favorite brew, when - plop, 
plop, plop, a fly landed in each of their glasses.  The Englishman 
promptly took out his little silver spoon, and quite daintily extracted 
the fly.  The Irishman reached in with his hand, plucked out the fly 
and then licked his fingers.  The Scot grasped the fly in his pint by 
both wings, lifted it out very carefully and said: "Spit it out, you 
little bugger!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                              THE ARIZONA REPUBLIC
                     January 24, 1994 Monday, Final Chaser

SECTION: LIFE; Pg. C3
LENGTH: 503 words
HEADLINE: SHORT TAKES ;
 NEWS OF THE WEIRD

 BODY:

THEY AUTO KNOW BETTER:  Thomas Dywayne Plachy, 30, was charged with
DUI after being pinned under his own car in December in Bozeman, Mont., 
as he was trying to push it with the engine running. And Robert H. Betts, 
73, was seriously injured in March in La Palma, Calif., after he was hit 
by his own truck four times. He had accidentally knocked the transmission 
into reverse as he was getting out of the truck; the door knocked him 
down, and he could not get up as the truck kept backing in circles. And a
40-year-old woman was hit by her own car and killed in Vernon Hills, 
Ill., in November when she jumped out of a tow truck that was towing the 
car on an expressway.

NEEDED:  PARKING BRAKE:  In October, a young couple had to be treated for
hypothermia at a Gernsheim, Germany, clinic after the parked car in which 
they were having sex rolled down a boat ramp into the Rhine River. 
Another man, who owned the car, was cited for the water pollution caused 
by leaking gasoline.

MISSING AT HOME:  In August, a Walnut Creek, Calif., woman set off a 
three-hour search by police officers from two towns, a search-and-rescue 
team, Explorer Scouts and several bloodhounds when she reported her 
3-year-old daughter missing from the family car during a round of 
errands. Upon returning home, the woman found the girl and realized that 
she had not taken her on the errands.

SAFE SOLUTION CLICKS:  In April, when Baltimore's old Vermont Federal 
bank building was being renovated for the new Harbor Bank, construction 
workers accidentally locked the safe, which had gathered dust for six 
years but which Harbor planned to use, and discovered that no one knew 
the combination. Rather than pay a locksmith an estimated $10,000, or ask 
an imprisoned safecracker to try his hand, the building owner placed a 
classified ad in The Baltimore Sun asking to hear from anyone "familiar 
with" the combination. A former Vermont Federal employee came by and 
opened the safe.

ENVIRON-RENTAL AWARENESS:  In December, the chairman of a new state 
agency, the Texas Natural Resources Conservation Commission, admitted 
that the agency had forgotten to include a request in its 1994 budget for 
rent for its offices. To cover the $6 million expense, the chairman said 
some pollution-prevention programs would have to be delayed.

NOT A LOTTO SENSE:  An official of the Louisiana Lottery told the Baton 
Rouge Morning Advocate in December that the most inept case of attempted 
lottery fraud he has seen involved a man, his daughter and her boyfriend. 
Each had a "winning" Lotto ticket that had obviously been taped together 
using parts of other tickets. A lottery official tried to discourage the 
three from pressing their claim, informing them of the penalties for 
lottery fraud. The father and daughter immediately abandoned the scheme, 
but the boyfriend stuck to his story and was convicted and imprisoned.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-   Get frustrated every softball season losing to that same team with
    all the big sluggers year in and year out?
-   Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant
    tennis-playing friend of your with the killer serve?
-   Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems
    to shoot in the low 80's against you?

        Just tired of always losing to someone better than you?

                             NO PROBLEM!!!

                Let us do the dirty work for you at the

                          TONYA HARDING CENTER
                                  FOR
                        OPPONENT NEUTRALIZATION

That's right. for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze
or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to
athletic success.

Check out our price list:

Blow to the knee                             $99.95
Blow to both knees (a better buy)           $149.95
Blow to the head                            $124.95
Knife in the back (tennis players only)      $49.95
Kick to the groin (male athletes only)       $39.95
Poking out one eye                           $49.95
Poking out both eyes (Three Stooges style)   $79.95
Gun shot to the knee                        $199.95
Gun shot to both knees                      $200.95
Gun shot to the head                        $499.95
Impalement in a public place                $999.95

-   Remember WEDNESDAYS are bonus days.  Order one act of violence and
    receive another at 50 percent off!
-   With every order over $300.00, you automatically receive a
    collapsible hard-plastic baton personally signed by Tonya herself -
    just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
-   Order now and receive absolutely free the Lorena Bobbitt Home
    Castration Kit.  Sex-crazed husband not included.

              To order, call toll-free at 1-800-JUST-WIN!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a midnight dreary,  fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spredsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,  I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips of-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,  by my own machine accosted;
Getting up,  I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed an died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data-- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

                        ---Anonymous.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Three old men were talking one day about what they would wish for if
they had just one wish. So the first old man who was 70 years old says, 
"Boy I'd give anything to take one good Piss again, just like I used too,
boy that would be great!"
  The second old man who was 80 years old says, "What I'd wish for is
to be able to take a really good Shit, Just like the old days, Boy it was
almost better than Sex you know."
  Now the third old man who happens to be 90 years old says, "Naa, I
ain't got no troubles with those things. Why Every morning precisely at 
8:00 o'clock I take a healthy Piss. Then, precisely at 9:00 o'clock I 
take a healthy Shit, every morning. But if I just had one wish to make, 
I'd just wish I WOULD WAKE UP BEFORE 10!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taken from skit on Canadian TV's "Royal Canadian Air Farce"

Hi, I'm Shawn Eckhart, Tonya Harding's former bodyguard. Have you
someone standing in your way on your climb to the top? Then I can help
you. I have the Shawn Eckhart RIVALWHACKER. One whack from the
RIVALWHACKER and it's problem solved!
    OK. Let's say it's you and another guy up for a promotion. Boom
-- you whack 'im. He gets first aid -- you get the promotion.
    Or maybe a lucious babe. She likes some other stud so you whack
him. You get the babe. The RIVALWHACKER comes in a variety of colors to
match any skating outfit.
    Listen, if you have any problems in using it yourself, for a small
negotiable service fee, I can whack 'em  for ya. You just point out the
guy and Boom!
    The RIVALWHACKER! It whacks anyone -- that superior who is a pain in
the butt, that cousin who's ahead of you for Aunt Gertie's inheritance.
    Hey. If they're standing in the way of what you want -- Boom --
you whack 'em.
    It's the RIVALWHACKER . . . Go on. Get the Shawn Eckhart
RIVALWHACKER today.
    And, hey, you know what . . . if my lawyer doesn't get my case
dismissed -- Boom -- I'm gonna whack him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer:     The author and the editors hereby acknowledge that the 
main character is a sexist pig.  We know that you know that he's a sexist
pig.  We know that you know that we know that he's a sexist pig.  We just
wanted to make sure that you knew that we know that you know that we know
so you wouldn't have to let us know that you know that we know that you 
know.  So read the story already.



     The city gets cold in the winter.  That's why I bought the Pentium 
without the heatsink and extra cooling fan.  The radiator on the side of 
my CPU gets a lot of funny looks from clients.  But that's all right.  
They expect that from me. I'm a consultant.  A computer consultant.

     It was a day unlike any other, unless you count April 2nd, 1989.

     It was kind of like that day, but with a few more clouds, and a few 
processor upgrades in between.  But when she walked through the door, I 
knew that it was going to be an interesting day, filled with adventure, 
romance, and interrupt conflicts.

     "Mr. Daley, I need your.."

     "Stow it.", I said.  "What you need is a copy of Netware 3.11 and a 
twelve station hub.  Then you need me to come in to ..."

     "Would you shut up and listen!  I don't need that at all, I 
need...."

     "...Then what you need is a site license for Word 15.0 which came 
after Word 6.0 which came after Word 2.0...."

     "Now wait, just a damn minute!  I barely get in the door and all you
are doing is ...."

     Yep, a clear case of interrupt conflict.  I decided to shut my mouth
and listen for a while, draw her out, although I knew with her body it 
would take a copy of Autocad capable of multiple complex parabolic 
curves.

     She sighed deeply.  This was a sigh to end all sighs.  It went down 
to the end of her long, long legs.  If they'd been any longer, they'd had
mile markers.

     "I don't know how to begin, Mr. Daley.  You see, I'm in love."

     Oh boy, here it comes, I thought to myself.  The dame in love. Well,
I'm a computer consultant, not a match maker. I prepared to let her down 
easy.

     "So what does this have to do with me?  I don't usually deal in 
personal problems." I growled.

     "Well, you see.", she said slowly, "I own a PC and my fiance owns a 
..."  She shuddered delicately, a gesture which sent interesting 
vibrations down her torso making my head spin like a Linda Blair doll.  
She started to sob, "..a...a..MACINTOSH!"

     Suddenly I understood all too well.  This was a serious 
compatability problem.  I'd seen my share of couples torn apart by this 
very thing.  Cross platform marriages just don't work out.  First thing 
you know, there's children, and that's when the trouble really starts.  
Kids running around without a sense of identity.  They get involved with 
the wrong crowd, start using Amigas.  Then you see them hanging around 
outside software stores, panhandling for spare floppies, or coming up to 
people and asking , "You don't have a few hundred for a Video Toaster,
do ya?"  It's a tragedy.

     "So whaddya want me to do about it?", I sneered.  Sneering is 
something I do really well.  Comes in handy when people complain about my
fees.

     "I want you to kidnap my boyfriend."  She leaned forward, revealing 
an expanse of decolotage that reminded me of California, only this was 
the Silocone Valley.  I hastily redirected my attentions to her tear 
streaked face, wondering where I had seen it before.  She looked 
strangely familiar, like the Windows hourglass on a 286.

     "It's the only way I can break the hold that awful machine has over 
him!"  She began to cry again.  When she calmed down, she raised a face 
that looked like Tammy Faye Bakker's during a fund raiser.

     The Mac Syndrome.  I had seen it many times, in fact I had almost 
fallen victim to it myself.  I had a Mac for a while.  It reminded me of 
an Etch-a-Sketch, only I didn't have to shake it to clear the screen.  I 
finally got rid of it when I found myself trying to point and click my 
way through even the most mundane tasks, cursing my coffee maker because 
it didn't have a mouse.  A friend pointed out to me that with the Mac you
never got anything done, you just felt good about it.  A New Age computer
if ever there was one.  I was lucky, though.  Many people never escape.  
Apparently her boyfriend hadn't.

     "Strong arm jobs aren't really in my line.", I said.  "Maybe you 
better check with Melvin 'Bit banger' Wilson next door.  He does that 
kind of stuff from time to time."

     "I don't want him, I want you!"  She was beautiful when she was 
angry.  The fact that she was leaning over my desk again didn't hurt 
anything either.  "You're the best in the business, or so I've been told.
Please!  Do it for love, do it for double your fee plus expenses!"

     Now she was talking my language.  But I had to be sure who I was 
dealing with.  "How do I know I'll get paid?", I snarled. Snarling is 
also something I do well.  Comes in handy when clients don't pay their 
invoices and I have to threaten bodily harm.

     She put a piece of pasteboard on my desk.  I looked at it.  It only 
took a second to recognize the name on the card.  Irene Faldercarb, 
heiress to the fabulous Faldercarb mouse odometer fortune.  The 
Faldercarbs had come along in the middle of the ergonomics fad and found 
a niche for a product that had no useful purpose.  Kind of like Microsoft
and Windows NT.  They made billions.

     "I think I can take your case, Miss Faldercarb, but I'll require the
first week in advance."  She dug in her purse and pulled out a wad of 
fifties and laid them on my desk.  I didn't bother to count them, since 
she was leaning over again to do it.

     "I think this will take care of your needs for some time, Mr. 
Daley."  She stood back from the desk.  I looked in her eyes. They were 
light brown, the color of backup cartridge tape.  "My fiance works at 
Fingerman, Glockenspeil, and Hirsch.  It's an ad agency on 75th Street.  
Perhaps that will be of some help."

     "What's his name?"

     "Chad.  Chad Buffington."

     "All right.  Thanks.  I'll start the job today.  Give me your number
so I can call you when I finish things up."

     "I'll call you in a few days.  I don't want you calling me.  No one 
must know that I am involved.  Good bye Mr. Daley, and thank you."  She 
turned and walked out the door, a process best described as a rather 
exaggerated sine wave.  I gazed after her retreating form.

     I had another job.  I didn't know it yet, but things were about to 
get interesting.  As in "May you live in interesting times."


     Whenever I get a new job, I like to take in a movie.  I never seem 
to watch the movie, but the darkness helps me think.  Today it was a 
double feature.  "Debbie Does Disk Drives" followed by "Hacker Honeys".  
My tastes in cinema had never been that enlightened.  I was an XT kind of
guy in a Pentium world.

     While scenes of programmed passion flickered across the screen, and 
guys with raincoats and laptops did things I didn't want to know about, I
thought about what I had so far.  Irene Faldercarb, rich and beautiful.  
Chad Buffington, unwilling to give up his computer for love or money.  
Why?  With Irene he could very easily have both.  None of this made any 
sense.

     I left halfway through the first feature.  I'd had enough.  It was 
time to pay a visit to Mr. Chad Buffington.

     Catching a cab in the city where I live is usually an exercise in 
futility.  But then so is trying to uninstall most Windows software.  
That doesn't mean you don't try, just that it takes a while sometimes, is
generally a pain in the keister and just ain't worth it most of the time.
I ended up walking.

     On the way to 75th Street, I stopped at Myron's for a dog and a 
beer.  Myron served up only the finest Chicago Red Hots.  He also brewed 
his own beer in the basement.  I was a regular.

     "Gimme a cold one and a jumbo with everything," I yelled as I came 
through the door.

     "A c-c-clear c-c-case of weiner take all," Myron snickered.

     "Y'know of all the jokes I've ever heard you tell that's gotta be 
the wurst," I shot back.

     "Well, jou knows I don' like jou here c-c-casing the joint."

     "You know how much I relish our little talks."

     "Dat's only 'c-c-c-cuz jou never ketchup."

     "Besides, I only came in to hear that new song on your jukebox."

     "Whassdat?"

     "You Mustard Been a Beautiful Baby."

     Myron was an escapee from the SunnyVale Home for the Humor Impaired.
Anywhere else, people would have run screaming for the exits.  But 
Myron's food kept them coming in.  It's amazing what some folks will put 
up for a piece of heaven with onions and peppers.

     I picked out my usual table.  In the corner, in the dark, with my 
back to the wall.  The kitchen door nearby just in case one of my 
creditors stopped by looking for money and I needed to make a fast exit.

     Myron came over to the table.  Actually he waddled, since Myron was 
built like OS/2.  Not much underneath and lots of overhead. After knowing
him for the last ten years, I was still trying to figure out where he was
from.

     "So Dirkball, jou here to pay up jour tab?"

     Myron always called me "Dirkball".  I hoped it was an affectionate 
nickname, but owing to the big man's uncertain pronunciation, I sometimes 
thought it might be an expression of his opinion.

     "Uh, sorry Myron, I just paid my rent.  Tell you what, howsabout you
take it out in trade, I'll set you up with a nice accounting system, 
inventory.."  I was sorry as soon as I said it.

     "Nos ways, jou shumdit!  Last times I lets jou touch my 
c-c-computer, my inventory gots mix-ed up wid my deposit slip. Next thing
I am knowing, the bank me is c-c-calling to find out why c-c-come I want 
to deposit 25 pounds of Polish Sausage. K-K-Kapooie on dat!"

     Myron's English gets even weirder than usual when he gets upset. I 
decided to let it go for the moment.  Apparently, so did he, as he went 
back to the kitchen.  I could hear him yelling back there.

     "Jou for-nothing-goods!  To work back jou must be getting. Whadjou 
think I running here am?  A resort place type?"

     Shouts drifted back from the kitchen help, in the same broken 
dialect of English.  It sounded like a speech contest at a school for 
dyslexics.  I let my attention drift back to the bar.


     The bar wasn't entirely empty, but just about.  A couple sat in a 
booth against one wall, arguing.

     "Look, Marsha.  You can have the house.  I won't fight you on 
custody of the kids.  All I want is the Northgate OmniKey and the 
Handbook.  I don't think that's too much to ask."

     He was a man after my own heart.  Who needs a place to live and a 
family when you can put 486 power in your briefcase?

     I looked across the room at Myron's treasured collection of "Great 
Sausages in History" which shared a wall with a huge nude portrait of 
Cass Elliot of "The Mama's and Papa's"  Myron was smitten from the very 
first time he'd seen the group singing "California Dreamin'" on the Ed 
Sullivan Show.  "Dat Mama C-C-Cass, she my k-k-kinda woman," Myron would 
sob over the juke box.  He'd play "Dream a Little Dream of Me." for hours 
on end. Not only that, but you couldn't get a ham sandwich for love or
money.

     The rain on the windows threw shimmering shadows on the walls. I  
could have stared at the wall for hours, thinking of the many 
opportunities I'd missed in my life.  A wife, kids, the costume 
concession for Gateway's advertising.  It had been a good run, though not 
without its share of aborts, retries, and failures.

     My reverie was interrupted by the arrival of my food, along with 
more shouting from the kitchen.

     "Why for jou working not?  Jou think maybe I am telling jou to 
c-c-clean the grease off up the floor for fun?  To work jou must be 
getting!"  Myron was in rare form today.

     I ate my meal, planning my strategy for getting to see Buffington.  
I knew that someone like myself would be as welcome in an advertising 
agency as an OS/2 booth at an NT presentation.


     The rain stopped, and I stepped back out on the street, having 
neatly walked out when no one was looking.   I tried to catch a cab 
again, this time with a bit more success.  The taxi stopped with a squeal
of brakes.  I got in and told the cabbie to take me to 75th Street.

     "You some kind of pervert?", the cabbie asked in that charming, 
polite way taxi drivers have.

     "Whaddya mean by that?"

     "Well the only people that go to 75th Street are in advertising.  
Art Directors and such, and we all know about those guys, don't we?  
They're all that way."

     "And what way is that?"  I asked, hoping that I wasn't going to have
to listen to 20 minutes of homophobic paranoia while I got to my 
destination.

     "They're all a bunch of clickers!  You know the type.  Can't do 
anything unless there's an icon to point to..."

     The conversation got much more interesting at that point, as we 
discussed the difference between macho command line guys and the wimpy 
mouse rollers.  "Give me a C:> prompt and nothing more. If I don't have 
to define at least a dozen switches to load a program, it isn't worth 
using."  It was a pleasant, even too short, ride after that.

     I got out of the cab in front of a building that seemed made of 
mostly glass and steel, with maybe a little bit of concrete thrown in for 
the sake of aesthetics.  The sign in front of the lobby read:  
"Fingerman, Glockenspeil, and Hirsch:  You don't have to know how to 
spell it, just remember it."  The guard at the front desk eyed me 
suspiciously until I flashed my fake ID as a member of Advertising People 
Producing Little Endlessly.  I asked which department Chad Buffington 
worked in.

     "Creative Services, 3rd Floor," the guard muttered.

     The elevator was an experience in surrealistic kitcsh.  M.C. Escher 
patterns fought for space with symbols of the great human subconcious.  
Tony the Tiger ripped the Pillsbury Dough Boy into little yeasty bits, 
while Speedy the Alka-Seltzer Kid dissolved slowly, agonizingly, in a 
glass of water.  Or maybe it was just indigestion from lunch.  I guess 
I'll never know, since the doors opened just then.


     I walked out of the elevator and into another nightmare, or so I 
thought.  Opus and Bill screen savers flashed in coordinated flashes of 
disintegrating toasters, blown to bits by a 12 gauge wielded by a 
flightless waterfowl, smelling vaguely of herring guts.  It wasn't a 
pretty sight, but I had a man to see about his choice of processors.  I 
struggled past the kaleidescopic scenes of Bill the Gates (Ooop! Aack!  
World Domination!) being shaved hairless by a large pair of clippers 
labeled "Federal Trade Commission" and into another room.

     This wasn't quite as bad, but then, I have always been partial to 
the kind of graphics featured in sleazy ads in the back of "Computer 
Shopper".  I had to believe that most of them were creations of virtual 
reality, since I didn't know anyone who could get their toes in their 
ears like that.  Oh well.  I had a job to do, a man to kidnap, and a 
chance to see Irene Faldercarb lean over again.

     As I looked around the room, trying to spot the spineless little 
slob who would give up a babe like Ms. Faldercarb for a computer that 
goes together like a Tinker Toy, I was struck by one thought:  The EPA 
should really set guidelines forcing people to clean their coffee cups.  
There were a couple of tentacles coming out of one back in the corner, 
and I saw a hand reach out of one and grab a guy by the throat.  I heard 
a deep voice say "Drink Me!"  Or maybe Myron was messing with his beer 
recipe again.

     Juan Valdez's mutant crop disappeared suddenly, as the room finally 
stopped spinning.  I looked over and saw a rather disheveled individual 
staring at a monitor.  The name on the desk was the one I was looking 
for.

     Chad Buffington was 25, tall, tanned, blond.  I had seen the type 
before, standing in ads in the Sears catalog in their underwear, 
pointing.  At what I had never been able to figure out.  Maybe the cop 
who was coming to arrest them for standing around outside in their 
skivvies.  I definitely had to check with Myron about his beer recipe.

     I walked over to Buffington's desk.  I didn't even get a chance to 
say hello before he whirled around.  His eyes were wild, he had this 
intense, Charles Manson thing going for him.  I looked around, half 
expecting to see "Helter Skelter" skittering across the monitor on his 
desk.

     "What do you want?", he asked frantically.

     "You Chad Buffington?"

     "Yeah, so what?"

     "I need to talk to you."

     "Who are you?"

     I decided to use an alias I had used before to get into a couple of 
parties at Comdex.

     "Dave Bowlman, Ludicrous Industries"

     "What can I do for you, Mr. Bowlman?"

     I thought fast, knowing that if I told him Irene had sent me, all 
would be lost.

     "I want to have you set up an ad campaign for my company."

     "What kind of business are you in?"

     "Software development."

     "Oh, so then you'll want the usual sort of thing, vague promises, 
ambiguous statements, ads that make your competition look to be a bunch 
of inbred morons."

     "Yeah, how did you know?"

     "We did the same thing for Lotus a couple of months ago.  So how 
much were you looking to spend?"

     "A couple of hundred grand.  Tell you what, I have a meeting to go 
to, how about coming over to my office later?"

     "I'm sorry, I can't do that Dave."

     "Well, what about tomorrow then?", I asked, hoping that this would 
be easier than it was beginning to look.

     "Sorry, I'm tied up for the rest of the week.  What's your number, 
I'll call you."

     I gave him my number and left, taking the stairs so as to avoid the 
hallucinogenic hell of the elevator.  So that was Chad Buffington.  I had 
failed with the old "come to my office" ploy.  Obviously, the lessons I 
had learned long ago from watching old episodes of "Get Smart" were going 
to start coming in handy.


     I waited outside the office for several hours, watching for 
Buffington to walk out of the building.  At a few past 5, I saw him leave
the front door, walking quickly up the street.  This was my opportunity 
to make the grab, but before I could get into position, he ducked into a 
doorway.  Had he seen me?  I couldn't be sure.

     I walked cautiously to the doorway Buffington had gone into. The 
sign beside the door said: "Church Leading Onto Divine Software"  The 
CLODS.  I had read about them before.  The local paper had run a series 
about strange religious cults a few months back.  The Church had gathered 
a bit of interest as its adherents believed that people were just 
biochemical computers and sought to achieve perfection of their 
"software" through "programming".  It made Dianetics look like a doctoral 
thesis. I decided to come back the next day and check things out further.

     On my way home, I spent some time at the library, doing further 
research on the CLODS.  It turned out that no one knew how the group had 
gotten started, they had just appeared one day and started recruiting 
members, especially among Macintosh users, who seemed especially prone to 
accept the Church's pronouncements.  But then, Mac users didn't tend to 
understand enough about computers to blow their noses with anyway, so it
was not a big surprise.

     The leader of the CLODS was the Incredibly Benevolent Maven, who 
dispensed wisdom and knowledge through a special program known as "The 
Channel"  He had recently disappeared in a mysterious boating accident.  
However, the nearest body of water being 500 miles away, it was even more 
mysterious, since the boat had been in his driveway at the time.

     I photocopied a few pages from a special report from "New Age 
Computing" which hailed the CLODS as a new aspect of togetherness between 
man and machine.  But then that magazine was prone to such 
pronouncements.  Its reviews of new software tended towards explanations 
of the developer's karmic history and why the Windows hourglass was a 
symbol for the relationship between time and the achievements of the 
technological age becoming a metaphor for man's inhumanity to man in a 
sort of escatological paradigm.  Or maybe it was just easier to draw for
the guy responsible for creating all the icons.

     At any rate, this was one strange group.  It looked like I was going
to have to find a way in if I was going to kidnap Chad Buffington, 
though.  I went back to my office to work on my plan.  The phone rang.  I 
checked my Caller ID to make sure it wasn't one of my creditors.  
(Besides the phone company, that is, I ALWAYS pay the phone company.)  It 
was a number I didn't know.  I picked up the phone.  It was Irene 
Faldercarb.  Her voice was like honey dripping over the cornbread of my 
desire. Or maybe I was just hungry again.

     "Mr. Daley, I just wanted to call and see if you were in.  I am 
really worried about Chad.  He just called me and said the engagement was 
off.

     You know at times like this, I think that someone should market a 
little hand held device to provide incidental music.  You know, someone 
tells you some significant piece of information and it goes off by 
itself.  Your wife tells you she's leaving and your Mr. Musik plays the 
theme from "Love Story" in the background.  Your accountant tells you 
that your tax refund is larger than he thought it would be and Mr. Musik 
plays "We're in the Money".  I think that would lend a certain penache to 
life. So for example, when Irene told me that Chad had broken off the 
engagement, Mr. Musik would have gone (DUNH DUNH DUNH DUNH!)thereby 
expressing the importance of this particular occurance.  Instead, I just 
said, "What?!"


(Last Time: Irene Faldercarb calls up to tell Dirk that the
engagement is off)

     "It's true.  Chad called me tonite and told me that engagement was 
off.   He said I didn't have a sophisticated enough algorithm or 
something like that"

     Things were getting stranger and stranger.  I hadn't been this 
confused since I had read the latest description of Microsoft's operating 
system strategy.  (Okay, now let me get this straight. Cairo is going to 
replace Chicago.  Cincinatti is going to replace Cairo.  And Buffalo 
doesn't stand a chance if it gets to the Super Bowl.  Right?  Okay, I'll 
try it again.)  This was turning into a sordid mess.  But Irene was 
shouting hysterically into the phone that money was no object, but that I 
had to get Chad to change his mind.   

     "Don't worry, Ms. Faldercarb.  I think I know what the problem is.  
Has Chad mentioned anything to you about the Church Leading Onto Divine 
Software?"

     "No, but what would Chad have to do with a bunch of computer 
cultists?"

     "Don't worry about it, but I think I may have a lead.  I'll call you
later."

     I hung up the phone before she could start sobbing into my ear 
again.  I was going to church tonite, and I didn't want to be late.

     I stopped in at Myron's again for dinner, since I wanted to ask him 
about his new beer recipe.  Myron not being from around here, I wanted to 
make sure he wasn't sneaking any funny herbs and spices into his 
otherwise divine brew.  However, I knew the minute I walked in that Myron 
was not in the mood for conversation.  He was draped over the juke box, 
sobbing, while the Mama's and the Papa's sang "Monday, Monday"  "C-C-Can 
jou hear dat Mama C-C-Cass singing da harmony?  She some k-k-kind of 
woman, dat Mama."  Myron had been like this all afternoon, someone told 
me.  What was more interesting is that most of the bar patrons had been 
quietly sobbing in their booths at the same time, saying that the huge 
nude portrait of Mama Cass on one wall had been doing unusual and 
provocative things with the collection of "Famous Sausages From History"  
I definitely had to check with Myron about his new beer recipe.

     I decided that it would be a better idea to perhaps eat somewhere 
else, and left Myron's and his patrons singing "Monday, Monday/Stand 
c-c-an't stand day that/Monday, Monday...."  Myron had installed a 
karaoke machine, but unfortunately, he had had to type in all the lyrics 
himself, and so the songs had a rather remarkable rhyme scheme.

     I caught a cab over to 78th and the Church Leading Onto Divine 
Software.  The street was quiet, and I was able to put on my disguise 
without anyone seeing me.  I hoped it wouldn't be a long meeting, the 
coke bottle glasses I was wearing made my eyes hurt.

     The person at the door only glanced at me briefly before dismissing 
me as another of the great, ignorant unwashed, hoping for salvation, or 
at least sex, as a result of enlightenment.  I was lead to a room full of 
folding chairs with a large monitor at the front.  I saw Chad Buffington 
in the front row, looking like someone who was preparing to recieve a 
large sum of money in unmarked bills.  I turned my head away and looked 
at the other people in the room.  Most had the same look on their faces.  
What was this?  Was it a mind control group or what.

     Just then the lights dimmed, and the monitor started to flicker 
through the boot sequence of some kind of operating system I had never 
seen.  Suddenly, a face appeared on the screen.  It was a face filled 
with understanding, a face filled with wisdom, a face filled with 
knowledge.  Suddenly the entire audience shouted "Hail, Oh Incredibly 
Benevolent Maven!"


     The smiling face on the screen was filled with understanding, good 
will, and wisdom.  I was immediately reminded of Burl Ives, if drawn by 
Salvador Dali.  The voice that came from the speaker was warm, deep, and 
had the insane edge one usually associates with late night radio 
preachers claiming the Star Wars program was designed to "Shoot Down 
Jeah-sus during the Second Coming!"

     "Friends," the voice said, "We of the Church have always known that 
we were special.  We alone know the secrets of 'The Channel'.  We alone 
know that the only way for our programs to be bug-free is to be 
constantly on the watch for recursive loops, hardware crashes, and memory 
allocation errors.  There are many out there who say that we are just a 
bunch of nerds who have nothing else to do on Friday nights.  You and I 
know they are wrong.  We know what we are capable of.  We are the new 
Masters, we are the new Rulers, we are the people who do not fear 
technology, but master it.  We are the technically competent, but 
socially inept, we are the dweebs, we are the geeks, we are the people 
who know how to program their VCRs!!"

     If I looked closely at the face, I could see bits of digital drool 
cascading out of the images mouth.  What's more, he had his congregation 
standing up, going crazy with rage over their treatment by the rest of 
the "normals"  It was frightening, not because of the rage of the 
audience, but because I found becoming slowly convinced he was right.

     "You and I know what is out there.  People who can't even plug in a 
stereo, but they look down on us, simply because we understand the 
instructions that come with most household appliances.  We know how to 
use software without reading the manual.  We spend long hours arguing 
about whether the computers on the Starship Enterprise could ever become 
self-aware.  We don't share their petty interests in politics, religion, 
or Monday Night Football.  We are the few that really take time out to 
watch Public Television, not because there's another show with animals 
mating, but because "The Computer Chronicles" are on!  We are the Chosen 
Few!  Here to lead the rest of the world to the New World of Cyberspace!  
Do you want to be part of my vision?  Do I hear you say yes?"

     "Yes!!" they roared, and I found myself roaring with them, wondering
how I could have ever doubted the fact that I was superior to my clients, 
the stupid idiots who paid me outrageous sums of money to plug in a few 
cables and set up a menu or two when they could just have easily read the 
manual and done it themselves.  The ones who were friendly and polite 
when I came to set up their CD-ROMs but never invited me to their 
parties. The ones who couldn't find an open interrupt if their life 
depended on it, but who laughed at me behind my back because I was on a 
first name basis with the manager at my local Radio Shack.

     "You can be part of the CyberRevolution!  The Programmers at the end
of the aisles have copies of 'The Channel' for just $460, or $99 if you 
are upgrading from version twelve point four.  I will tell you, fellow 
Analysts, that our time is at hand.  The time for our Ascendence is at 
hand!  We shall rule the earth from our modems and Internet addresses.  
We shall force the Technophobes into submission!  We are the rulers of 
Cyberspace!"

     I found myself ready to give anything to become one of the Chosen.  
I was ready to become a full fledged member of the Church.  I pulled out 
my Visa and passed it down to the end of the aisle and the guy at who was 
standing there swiped it through a portable reader.  While he waited for 
the approval to come through, he passed the software package down the row 
to me.  My card followed soon after.

     The box I held in my hands was a matte black with the Maven's face 
in bas-relief on the cover.  I held it in my arms like a new release of 
Wordperfect, knowing that the disks inside would make me part of the 
Electronic Brotherhood.


     I forgot about kidnapping Chad Buffington at that moment.  All I 
could think about was getting the program home and running it on my 
trusty Pentium powerbox.  When I first got it, I had thoughts that I had 
made a mistake, since I could no longer get up and go down to Myron's for 
a beer and brat before Windows was loaded.  Now all I had time for was a 
run to the kitchen for coffee and a doughnut.  Oh well, technology had to 
march on.

     I walked down the stairs in a daze, which could have been due to the
thick glasses I was wearing as a disguise.  Falling down the second 
flight to land in a crumpled, painful, heap soon brought me back to 
reality.  I took the glasses off and ran back to the office.  The fall 
had brought me back to my senses, but I had to see what "The Channel" 
really was.  I had an idea that it was going to be interesting, whatever 
it was.

     I got back to my office in record time.  I opened the package in a 
frenzy of anticipation, or at least I would have, but it was sealed in 
one of those hard plastic packages which require a blowtorch to open.  
After a frantic ten minutes of searching, I finally located a pair of tin 
snips and slowly cut the package open, taking great care not to damage 
the precious contents within.

     (Hey, you out there, yeah you.  This is the author.  Listen, would 
you mind terribly if I wrote a quick sex scene in here, just to make sure 
this gets published?  Yeah, I know, this is a story about computers, but 
my publisher says if I don't put any sex in this, I lose my advance and 
the movie option.  I was thinking of Sharon Stone, or Cindy Crawford, as 
Irene Faldercarb, and maybe Orson Welles as Myron, except he's dead. 
Okay, how about Danny DeVito as Myron, or maybe that George guy who 
played Norm on "Cheers".  What do you think?  Jerry Seinfeld as Dirk?  
Not nerdy enough?  How about Leslie Nielsen?  Well anyway, you think 
about it for awhile, and I'll go ahead and write the sex scene real 
quick.  Listen, before I go, do you think I could get Fabio for the 
cover?  Tell you what, I won't  write the sex scene til later.  I'll just 
write the cover blurb real fast and then get back to work on figuring out 
what happens next.  Okay?  Hey, thanks.  I knew you'd understand.)

     [Irene, young, beautiful, built like a ceramic defecatorium. Her 
passion was as wild as the compression utilities in DOS 6. But it could 
only be conquered by one man.  One man only could own her body and soul.  
But what of her dark secret, known only to a trusted few?  Would it spoil 
love's beauty?  Would she ever figure out how many licks it takes to get 
to the center of a Tootsie Pop?  The answers would lead to the adventure 
of a lifetime in:  Dirk Daley: Computer Consultant in THE CASE OF THE 
FANATICAL FIANCE]

     (Okay, now that that's done, I can get back to the story. Listen, 
would you mind terribly if I took a break real quick. My butt is killing 
me.  I really should get a better chair if I am going to sit here for 
four or five hours at a stretch and write.  You know, I think I will take
a break.  So if you don't mind, I think I'll just leave for a few minutes
and come back a little bit later.  Okay.  Hang on.  I'll be right 
back........................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
..................................



.........Okay, I'm back.  Listen, I really need to clean house. The 
dustbunnies under my couch ate a friend last night.  Just kidding.  I 
wanted to see you sweat.  It's not like I ran off and left you without 
any kind of asssurance that I would be back.  I mean, it wouldn't make 
any sense for me to just leave you hanging there, now would it.  Well, 
anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, Dirk just opened the package containing 
"The Channel". You sure I can't quick sneak in a little sex scene?  Just
something to liven up things?  No?  You sure?  Okay, Okay, no need to 
make threats!)

     I pulled the disks out of the package, but as I pride myself on 
being smarter than my clients, I read the manual before loading the 
software.  Yeah, right.  And Michael Dell doesn't look like Beaver 
Cleaver.  The disks were installed on my hard drive in a matter of 
minutes.  What was amazing was how little time it took, and the fact that 
it installed on one time through with no restarts.  I was already 
impressed.  It made me wonder who they had working for them.  The system 
rebooted and I waited for a few minutes.  Suddenly, a voice came out of 
the speaker.

     "Welcome, fellow Analyst, to 'The Channel'.  You and many others 
like yourself shall soon rule the Technoverse.  If you have not already 
done so, please find the cortical transducer and plug it into your serial 
port.  Then we shall be ready to begin..."

     I frantically searched for whatever this thing was, and finally 
found it taped to the back of a piece of styrofoam.  It looked like a 
serial plug with two of those little "ear bud" headphones attached to it.  
I plugged it in.

     "I detect that the transducer has been connected.  Please place the 
transducers, one on each temple, taking care not to reverse the polarity 
of the connections.  Don't worry, they are specially treated to stay 
attached by themselves.  Once you have done this, press any key."

     I looked at the little buds and noticed one was marked 'LEFT' and 
the other was marked 'RIGHT' .  I attached them to each temple.  
Suddenly, the room disappeared into a swirl of color. I mast have passed 
out then, because at that point, everything went black.

     When I woke up, I wasn't in my office anymore, but in a white room, 
alone except for a marble block which held a keyboard and a large 
translucent cube.   The keyboard had just one button, labeled "ANY"   The 
cube was featureless, or so it seemed.  I walked over to the keyboard.  
As I did, the cube lit up and then vanished.  In its place was the feet 
and legs of a rather overweight man, with the upper torso disappearing 
into the solid block of marble.

     "Hello Analyst."  the voice said.  "You have been brought here
via "The Channel"  Today you will start your training in HyperData 
Superflow and holographic crystalline memory structure.  Do you have 
questions?"

     "Just one.  How come your feet are sticking out instead of your 
head?", I said.

     "Oh, viruses!!  The dossing positional stabilizer has deframulated 
again!  Gates! what a mess.  Excuse me for a moment, will you?"

     The image disappeared.  I stood there waiting, wondering what the 
hell was going on.  My guess was that I was suffering from the final 
aftereffects of Myron's latest experiment in brewing, but maybe not.  I 
waited some more, hoping that things would either be explained by my 
tortured brain cells or by the image, which suddenly appeared, right side 
up this time.  It was the Incredibly Benevolent Maven.

     "You look familiar", it said.  "Have we met?"

     "Not that I know of", I lied.  "But then I have a memorable face, 
even if it's seen on someone else"  I let the image digest that for a 
moment.  It seemed to flicker a moment or two, and then spoke again.

     "That statement does not match recognition patterns in the 
linguistic database, please restate."

     Suddenly I realized what the image was.  I was talking to a 
computer.  "You're a computer, aren't you?" I asked.

     "So what else would I be?" the image replied.  This is a humanoface 
terminal with a NEC 3456FGXEJK holo-display.  Surely you noticed?

     "A whataface terminal?"

     "Humanoface.  It accepts auditory and visual input and allows you to
speak and command a holodroid instead of using a keyboard."

     "So what's the keyboard for?"

     "Some of the early research showed that users had to have something 
to press repeatedly when something took a while to do.  The keyboard 
doesn't actually do anything, it just gives you something to pound on 
while you're waiting."

     "Wait a minute, you mean that I don't have to use a mouse or 
anything?"

     "That is correct."

     "So how did I get here anyway?"

     "You aren't actually here."

     Now I was confused.  If I wasn't here, where was I?

To Be Continued....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Did you hear about the woman who went to the drinking party out in the
 country?  She got very drunk and wondered off into a pasture and passed
 out.....

 The next morning she woke up as a dairy cow was stepping over her....
 With a large hangover, she blurrily looked up and said.
   "one at a time boys, one at a time....."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
THINGS (NOT) TO SAY AT, OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE:

Written by Peter Dutton, contributions by: Jim Lalopoulos, Jeff Cohen,
Alison Berube, Patricia Wilson and a few others.

 1> "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National
     Anthem."
 2> Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
 3> "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast
     question.
 4> Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
 5> "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
 6> Stage your own death/suicide.
 7> Lead the spectators in "the wave".
 8> "You call that a question? How the hell did they make you a
     professor?
 9> Have a sing-a-long.
10> "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
     concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin"
11> Have bouncers outside the room to discourage certain professors from
    sitting in.
12> Puppet show.
13> Group prayer.
14> Animal sacrifice to the god of the underworld.
15> Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding,etc.
16> "I'm sorry, I can't hear you there's a banana in my ear"
17> Imitate Groucho Marx.
18> Mime.
19> Hold a tupperware party.
20> Have a bikini-clad model to change the overheads.
21> "Everybody Rhumba!"
22> "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..".
23> Charge a cover and check for ID.
24> "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
25> Smoke machines, laser lights, pyrotechnics....

101> Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
102> Say, "Laugh at me, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo and
     Einstein...". Do this while you lovingly caress an automatic
     weapon.
103> Hand out 3D glasses.
104> Play the "Pull my finger" trick on the panel members, note the
     gullibitilty of each of them.
105> If you're a woman, go into labor. If you're a man, fake a seisure.
106> Give your entire speech in a high pitched voice-see if they notice.
107> "I don't know - I didn't write this".
108> Before your defense, built trap doors under each seat.
109> Swing in through a window, yelling like Tarzan.
110> Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room.
111> Roll credits at the end. Include a "Key Grip" and "Best Boy".
112> Hang a disco ball in the center of the room.
113> Invite the homeless.
114> "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you."
115> Take a putter and golf ball with you. Every now and then during
     your speech, practice putting for no reason.
116> Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank loaded gun and
     blow him away. Have him fake a death scene. Turn to the stunned
     audience and ask,"Any more wise-ass remarks?".
117> Same as #116 but use real bullets.
118> "Well, I saw it on Mr. Wizard, so I thought it was a good idea."
119> Wear a clown wig, clown makeup, clown shoes, clown nose and nothing
     else.
120> Use the words, "marginalized", "empowerment" and "patriarchy" as
     often as possible.
121> Play Thesis Mad Libs.
122> Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
123> Do your entire defense operatically.
124> Invite your relatives, especially those who fawn all over you and
     bragg like mad to everyone else.
125> Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Oct. 25, 1993, the following appeared in our local newspaper:

        "Just follow along closely and you can learn to decipher the
`slanguage' of the hip-hop generation.

CRIB.............Home
DEMOTO...........Someone who is not motivated, not doing well in school.
DIP, FLEX,
  BUS ONE........To leave.
DIS..............To show disrespect.
EASIN', LAMPIN'..Relaxing.
HITTIN' ON.......Flirting.
HONEY DIP........Good-looking woman.
HOOCHIE..........Good-looking girl with a great body.
HOOPTY...........Car
HOTTY............A good-looking guy with a great body.
JAM..............Party
PEEPS............Parents
PHAT (pronounced
         fat)....Something good.
MAXIN'...........Relaxing.
SHINE............To make fun of someone, to disrespect.
SICK.............Good.  `It was a sick party.'
SYSTEM...........Loud car audio system.
THICK, STRAIGHT..Good.
TOSS CHOW........To eat quickly.
WORD UP..........The truth.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever seen a (an):
     auntie freeze?
     bed spread?
     book mark?
     chocolate chip?
     cross walk?
     dog whistle?
     fire box?
     floppy drive?
     gold rush?
     golf bawl?
     gum ball?
     iron butterfly?
     milk shake?
     moth bawl?
     phone change?
     phone charge?
     picture frame?
     pillow fight?
     pocket book?
     pocket change?
     potato chip?
     rice bowl?
     stick shift?
     street sign?
     toilet bowl?
     TV guide?
     window pain?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A mother kangaroo complained to a friend, "I hate it when it's raining 
and the children have to play inside!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man traveling through the country stopped at a small fruit stand and 
bought some apples.  When he commented they were awfully small, the 
farmer replied, "Yup."
  The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, "Not very
flavorful, either."
  "That's right," said the farmer.  "Lucky they're small, ain't it?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  An atheist was teasing Bill about his religious beliefs.  "Come
on now, Bill," he said.  "Do you really believe that when you die you'll
go up to heaven and fly around with wings?  I understand it's not warm
up there like where I'm going when I die.  How in the world are you
going to get your coat on over those wings?"
  Bill replied, "The same way you are going to get your trousers
over your tail."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A reindeer walked into a snack shop, hopped up on a stool at the
counter, and ordered a fifty-cent hot butterscotch sundae.
  When it arrived he put a ten dollar bill on the counter.   But
the waiter thought he wouldn't know anything about money and gave him
only a dollar in change.
  "You know," said the waiter, "we don't get many reindeer here.
In fact, you're the first one we've ever had."
  "Well," the reindeer replied, "'at nine dollars a sundae you're
not likely to get many more."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred Allen:
        "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become
        well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

Jack Benny:
        "Age is strictly a case of mind over matter.  If you don't mind,
        it doesn't matter."

Milton Berle:
        "A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."

Erma Bombeck:
        "Guilt:  the gift that keeps on giving."
        "You become about as exciting as your food blender.  The kids
        come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home."

Daniel J. Boorstin (Librarian):
        "(Reading is like) the sex act....done privately, and often in
        bed."

Art Buchwald:
        "People are broad-minded.  They'll accept the fact that a person
        can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a
        newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something
        wrong with him."

Carol Burnett:
        "Adolescence is just one big walking pimple."

George Burns:
        "Happiness?  A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good
        woman....or a bad woman;  it depends on how much happiness you 
        can handle.

Harry Chapman:
        "Having served on various committees, I have drawn up a list of
        rules:  Never arrive on time; this stamps you as a beginner.
        Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps
        you as being wise.  Be as vague as possible; this avoids
        irritating the others.  When in doubt, suggest that a
        subcommittee be appointed.  Be the first to move for
        adjournment: this will make you popular; it's what everyone is
        waiting for."

Bill Cosby:
        "When you become senile, you won't know it."

Noel Coward:
        "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
        annoy me."

Robert Frost:
        "I'm not confused.  I'm just well mixed."

Zsa Zsa Gabor:
        "A man in love is incomplete until he has married.  Then he's
        finished."

Jacqueline Kennedy:
        "The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady.  It
        sounds like a saddle horse."

John F. Kennedy:
        " A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly
        divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job
        and then have the patient sit up on the table."

Ann Landers:
        "You need that guy like a giraffe needs strep throat."
        "(I advise keeping) four feet on the floor and all hands on
        deck." (From pamphlet:  Teenage Sex and Ten Ways to Cool It)

Sam Levenson:
        "Insanity is hereditary....you get it from your children."

Marilyn Monroe:
        "I've been on a calendar, but never on time."
        "It's not true that I had nothing on.  I had the radio on."
         (on posing nude for a calendar)

Charles M. Schulz:
        "No problem is too big to run away from."

Jenny Zink:
        "Santa is even-tempered.   Santa does not hit children over the
        head who kick him.   Santa uses the term folks rather than Mommy
        and Daddy because of all the broken homes.  Santa does not have a
        three-Martini lunch.  Santa does not borrow money from store
        employees.   Santa wears a good deodorant."  (To employees of
        Western Temporary Services, supplier of Santa Clauses.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 An Indian Named Bowels is being forced to move so a new freeway can be
put in on the reservation so the Indian goes in town to find a lawyer but
being that He is not familiar with white mans town He walks into a 
doctors office and says Bowels no Move. The doctor states take 2 of these
and see Me in the morning. The Indian returns the next day and states 
Bowels still no Move! The doctor gives Him 2 more Pills only stronger and
tells him to return in a week. The next week the Indian returns to the 
doctors office and states:

  Bowels move now TeePee full of $hit!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two guys entered a cafe and ordered two cups of white coffee.

  When the topless waitress brought them to the table the coffees were
black.

  "Excuse me Miss, could we have some milk in these coffees please?" said
one guy.

  The waitress held her breasts over the cups and gave a couple of 
squirts from each. The guys looked on in astonishment and one said,

  "Aren't you glad you didn't ask her for some hot water?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                The Price of Debauchery

My mother said, "There are no joys
In ever kissing silly boys.
Just one small KISS and one small squeeze
Can land you with some foul disease."

"But Mum, d'you mean from just a KISS?"

"You know quite well my meaning, miss."

Last week when coming home from school
I clean forgot Mum's golden rule
I let Tom Young, that handsome louse,
Steal one small kiss behind my house.

Oh, woe is me!  I've paid the price!
I should have listened to advice.
My mum was right one hundredfold!
I've caught Tom's horrid runny cold!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope.  "Your
holiness," he says, "I've heard that the Church has suffered some
financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal that can benefit both
of us.  I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the Church,
provided you make one small change in the Lord's Prayer.  Where it says,
`Give us this day our daily bread...'  Well, I'd like you to consider
changing just the end of that line to:  `Give us this day our daily
chicken.'"
   The Pope is taken aback.  "That's a most unusual request," he
says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering
the Church.  Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals,
and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days."
   As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency meeting
of the Cardinals.  "Boys," he says, "I think we're going to have to
review the Wonder Bread account."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following was captured from Prodigy:

   Old skiers never die....they just go over the hill.

   Old quilters never die...they just go to pieces.

   Old bowlers never die...they just end up in the gutter.

   Old kleptomaniacs never die...they just steal away.

   Old computer programmers never die...they just lose it bit by bit.
                                     ...they just byte the big one.

   Old surfers don't die...they just get wiped out.

   Old anesthesiologists don't die...they just run out of gas.

   Old barbers never die...they just become old cup-ups.

   Old cashiers never die...they just check out.

   Old golfers never die...they just keep putting along.

   Old chemists never die...they just fail to react.

   Old programmers never die...they just decompile.
                     ...they just reassemble into another life form.

   Old preachers never die...they just lose their wind.

   Old penguins never die...they just get hard of herring.

   Old lawyers never die...they just lose their appeal.

   Old electricians never die...they just lose their charge.

   Old postmen never die...they just lose their zip.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid)
        adj.  Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same
        time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
        adj.  Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and
        off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um)
        n.  The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at
        its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from
        (a) having to suck the nozzle, or
        (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
        n.  When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls
        itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
        n.  People in phone marts who walk around picking up display
        phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the
        phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
        n.  The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece
        of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
        examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
        more chance.

DIMP (dimp)
        N.  A person who insults you in a cheap department store by
        asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
        v.  To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by
        blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the
        germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
        n.  A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview
        mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
        n.  Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no
        matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
        n.  The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a
        movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
        n.  The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator
        button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust)
        n.  The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
        dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
        finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
        n.  Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so
        badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
        n.  A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
        n.  The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to
        be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik)
        adj.  One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household
        pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)
        n.  The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom
        you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus)
        n.  The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its
        nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
        n.  The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice
        before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Mr. and Mrs. Smith were touring Russia.   Their guide argued all the 
time.  As the couple was leaving Moscow, the husband said, "Look, it's 
snowing out."
  The guide disagreed, "No, Sir, it's raining out."
  I still think it's snowing," said Mr. Smith.
  But his wife replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  An American tourist on a safari in the Sahara Desert takes a
wrong turn and becomes hopelessly lost.  After a long morning in the hot
sun, he spots a man riding toward him on a donkey.
  "Please help me," cries the tourist.  "I'm dying of thirst!"
  "I'm sorry," says the stranger.  "All I have are neckties."
  "Neckties?" cries the tourist.  "I need WATER."
  "I like you," says the peddler, "and here's what I'm going to
do.  I normally get fifteen dollars each for these ties.  But seeing as
you're suffering, I'll let you have two of them for twenty-five bucks."
  Whereupon the tourist turns away in disgust and walks off.
Three hours later, he sees an oasis.   By now he's on his knees, and as
he crawls toward it, he looks up to see a man in a tuxedo standing under
a palm tree.
  "Please," he asks, "do you have any water?"
  "Oh sure! PLENTY of water."
  "Great, great.  Where do I go?"
  "This way, sir.  The restaurant is right inside.  Unfortunately,
I can't let you in without a tie."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A modern-day Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 years.  Upon awaking he 
immediately called his broker.
  "What's the stock market done the past 20 years?" he inquired.
  With the aid of a computer, his broker soon was able to report that his
shares of AT&T were now worth $9.5 million, his shares of General Motors 
worth $7.9 million, and his oil holdings had increased to $19 million.
  "Great!" Rip exclaimed.  "I'm rich!"
  At which point the telephone operator interrupted and said, "Your three
minutes are up, Sir.  Would you please deposit a million dollars?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A German had to travel to New York, but he spoke no English. So he 
asked a friend with good Engl. knowledge, what he could eat over there 
in that strange country?"and the friend said:"try apple pie and 
coffee!" So the guy went home, learnt it by heart, and the first 
morning in N.Y. he went to the coffee shop, ordered apple pie and 
coffee and was totally happy at what he got. So he had apple pie and 
coffee for lunch, dinner, the next day, and on the 3rd day he couldn't 
see it any more. So he went to the German Consulate and asked them if 
there was anything else he might try, and they said, try "Pastrami 
Sandwich". So he memorized that, came to his favorite coffeeshop and 
they asked him:"hey there, apple pie and coffee again " he 
replied:"no, pastrami sandwich". They asked,
onwhiteorrye? he replied"pastrami sandwich" question back, 
"onwhiteorrye" he begged for "PASTRAMI-SANDWICH" back came"on 
whiteorrye?" and the poor guy answered:"ok, apple pie and coffee!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Subject:  Virus Warning Signs
> 
> Hi all, 
>         Some individuals wanted to know what the warning signs were
> of a virus.  I talked to one of the presentors in my class and he 
> gave me the following list:
> 
>         -Operations seem sluggish
>         -Programs take longer to load
>         -Programs access multiple disk drive where they didn't
>          before 
>         -Programs conduct disk access at unusual times or with
>          increased frequency
>         -Available disk space decreases rapidly
>         -The number of bad disk sectors steadily increase 
>         -The amount of available RAM suddenly or steadily decreases 
>         -Programs encounter errors where they didn't before 
>         -Files are replaced with garbled data 

This isn't a virus list!  It's the description of what happens when 
you install Microsoft Windows!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                        The Warning Signs Of Insanity
                   ---------------------------------------

 -Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that 
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

 -Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.

 -People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

 -You laugh out loud during funerals.

 -Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.

 -You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

 -You collect dead windowsill flies.

 -You like cats.  Especially with mayo.

 -Melba toast excites you.

 -When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to
tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

 -You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

 -People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 One day a young woman decided to make a pizza according to a recipie
her brother had given her.  She took great care in measuring the
ingredients and she followed the recipe exactly.  The last instruction
on the recipie was "Just throw it in the oven" so she did - and spent
the rest of the afternoon cleaning up the mess.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Practically everyone now must have heard of the MS-DOS game DOOM by
now. In fact, it has become rather a way of life among some people.

[18-1-2]: DOOM: The Real Thing
------------------------------
        FOREWORD: This messages was posted from gills@qucdn.queensu.ca on
Usenet in the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Monday,
November 15, 1993.  He has a new idea: playing DOOM in REAL LIFE!
----------
Howdy,
        Yes, like all you DOOM fans I have been eagerly awaiting the
release date for this landmark game.  Although I was very disappointed
in the release date being bumped up from 3rd quarter '93 to Dec 10, I
limited my anger and frustration to strangling my neighbour's cat
(didn't like it much anyways....   ;)   ).
        But, NOW I'm forced to read all the great stuff about the Beta
release that some people have been lucky enough to get their hands on.
....well, not FORCED to read it, but I can't help absorbing every bit of
information I can possibly locate.   :)
        I can't handle the fact that some people have tried the game
now, and I haven't, so I thought I might pull out my brass knuckles and
12 gauge pump shotgun and start up a *REAL* DOOM game. I figured that I,
and 3 other frustrated DOOM awaiters, could meet up at an abandoned
warehouse or something and have a rip snortin' Death Match of our own.
We could throw some shotgun shells and ammo boxes randomly around the
place, along with some first-aid kits (fine for light grazes from
perhaps a .22 calibre round but not much good for a 12 gauge belly wound
:)  ) - then we go at it !!!
        Granted, there won't be any monsters in this place, like there
are in DOOM, but I do have a pretty ugly cousin I could trick into
coming; and with a quick dunk in some gray paint I'm convinced he could
bear a passable resemblance to a gargoyle <G>.

So ....any takers?    Heh, heh, heh.

Note: This a JOKE, only a joke....that's J-O-K-E..as in, I'm not serious.
      If you are a certified nut-bar who would like to really try this out
      don't bother calling me up....I get faint from tension just playing
      Paintball   :)

P.S.    If this game is good as it's suppose to be, I'm gonna name my first
        born child "ID".... IDDY?...IDarina?...IDI-Sue?....
----------

[18-1-3]: Beta-Tester's Joystick Sliced Off While Sleeping at Computer!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
        FOREWORD:  I received this piece of hilarious E-mail from
John Romero.  This was written by Douglas Howell (one of the DOOM
Beta-testers) when id decided to axe the entire Beta-tester list and 
start from scratch.  Douglas Howell will be reinstated as a Beta-tester,
 as soon as his "joystick" heals. :)  Let the Bobbitt saga continue!

----------
NEWSFLASH:  Beta tester's joystick sliced off while sleeping
            at computer!

At a news conference today, a beta tester of software said that he had
fallen asleep while testing a game for id Software, developers of the
best-seliing game Wolfenstein 3D.  Awaking in the middle of the night,
he looked down and to his horror discovered that three-fourths of his
joystick had been sliced cleanly off.  When questioned, id Software
admitted to doing the deed and charged that the beta tester was a
two-timer.  Id spokesman Shawn Green stated-- "What was done had to be
done.  Id was definitely not satisfied by this guy's performance. All he
cared about was taking software and sticking it into other people's hard
drives!".

The severed joystick was later found by police on a street corner.
Apparently id had fled the scene with the sliced piece still in hand and
tossed it out a car window.  Surgeons have since sewn the stick back on,
but it seems to malfunction whenever playing id's beta software.
Doctors predict that the joystick should perform normally again by
December 10th.
----------

[18-2]: Top Ten Lists
=====================
        Here, humorous top ten lists regarding DOOM are written.
Actually, this is a lie.  Some of the lists have more than ten things.
However, for the sake of simplicity, I call them top ten lists.

[18-2-1]: Top Ten Things to Do While Waiting for DOOM
----------
        Well, here we are waiting another 2-3 months [for DOOM].  What 
else can we do?

1) Search the Internet for Beta Version.
2) See if we can go through Wolfenstein 3-D with our eyes closed.
3) Use MapEdit/WolfEdit to make Wolfenstein 3-D "look like" DOOM.
4) Find out where the id "lab" is and "encourage" them.
5) Watch the new 90210 episode!
6) See if Blake Stone or Rampage will be any good.
7) Upload the Lemmings Demo as "DOOM10.ZIP" and see what happens.
8) Get girlfriends and drop them on 12/10/93, unless they like DOOM and
   have a computer with a modem.
9) Or lastly, look at DOOM slides and "pretend" we are playing.
----------
[18-2-2]: Top Ten Things To Do Until DOOM Arrives
-------------------------------------------------
        FOREWORD:  This was posted on America Online, by someone
using the name "ScottBro" on October 7, 1993.
                          Top  10  Things  To Do
                           Until  DOOM  arrives

10.  Get a marker and change boxes of George Lucas's "LOOM" to "DOOM" to
     confuse over-anxious gamers.
9.   Issue bogus press release from the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientist,
     saying the DOOMsday clock will strike midnight sometime before
     September 30, 1993.
8.   Get a date with someone from L7.
7.   When feeling depressed due to the wait, chant the B.J. Blaskowitz 
     mantr "This is my rifle, This is my gun,
     This is for killing, this is for fun.
6.   Memorize the July Computer Gaming World, pages 104-5, preview of 
     DOOM.
5.   Get network and sound card installed on all systems at the office.
4.   Make DOOM acronyms, like
     "Dantes Obsessive Outrageous Marauders"
3.   Tell boss I'll need two weeks vacation on very short notice during 
     the third quarter, due to pending family crisis.
2.   Figure a way to persuade Id to allow imports of faces on monsters, 
     so we can make creatures like the:
     Sunnunu Bloated Beast, the Michael Bolton Shrieker, and the Ex-Wife
     from Hell, where she belongs.
1.   Try and make friends with the Big Blue guys from Wolfie;
     We might need help this time.
----------
[18-2-3]: Top Ten Things Being Removed From DOOM During Delay
-------------------------------------------------------------
        FOREWORD:  This was posted on America Online, by someone
using the name "Wolkonsky" on August 31, 1993.
----------
        The DOOM Delay of `93 might be worse than we first thought! Here 
is a list of things that I heard were being taken out of DOOM.

1) Socks the Cat
2) Cameo by the Mario Brothers (you thought the Pac-Man Ghosts were bad)
3) The "Shawngreen" monster in level 3 (too scary, it went around 
   screaming "Its not done yet! Not yet!")
4) Cindy Crawford workout in level 4
5) Vanilla Ice-Amy Grant theme song
6) "Fun with Barney" puzzle in level 2
7) Pin Up GIF of Sally Struthers.
8) "John 3:15" : various locations
9) "Bulges" in monsters groin area
        AND FINALLY,
10) The Bathroom Scenes.
----------

[18-2-4]: Top Ten Reasons DOOM Was Delayed
------------------------------------------
        FOREWORD:  This was posted by an unknown source at an unknown
location, on September 21, 1993.  If you know who the writer is, please
send me some E-mail so I can give appropriate credit.
----------
        The following is intended to be humorous, with no ill intent
whatsoever. I hope everyone takes it in the spirit it is given. ;)

DAVE: "I have in my hand here tonight's Top 10 List from the
home office in Sioux City, Iowa. Actually, it's a Top 15."

(show the special graphics)

DAVE: "Them special effects is fantastic!" (grin) "Tonight's category is:
Top 15 reasons DOOM's release was delayed to December 10th. Here we
go..."

15. Added near death sequence when player is shot full of holes.
14. Added networking capability via spaghetti noodles.
13. "If Origin can do it, so can we."
12. They want to ensure it won't run under Windows.
11. Currently using DOOM as negotiating tool to get Ukraine to give up 
    nukes
10. Fighting lawsuit from Apogee claiming DOOM is their 'intellectual
    property'. (for those Letterman fans)
 9. They want to increase fourth quarter earnings.
 8. The bosses wife wants to 'redecorate' the levels.
 7. They want to make a politically correct version.
 6. id aspires to be the next Microsoft.
 5. NASA lost the source code.
 4. Bill's waiting for Hillary's permission to release game. (oops,
    sorry, that's the Health Care Reform Package)
 3. John's dog ate his computer.
 2. Ran out of bug spray.

DAVE: "And the number one reason DOOM's release was delayed..."

 1. They want the game's release to be just in time for Christmas 
    shopping.
----------
[18-3-1]: Pixelated Demons
--------------------------
        FOREWORD: This dream was posted by David Reeve Sward on Usenet in
the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Tuesday, November 2, 1993.
----------
A few days ago I awoke in the middle of a dream about DOOM...!  I was
firing the shotgun at a pixelated (yes, my dream was pixelated) demon
when my alarm clock went off (well, it turned the radio on :).  Haven't
seen any alpha or beta version, only the screen shots.  Time to schedule
an appointment with a local shrink...

I can't imagine what shape I'll be in once the game is actually released. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two couples wer enjoying a game of scrabble in the hotel lobby when 
lightning hit the power line, and the lights went out, so they all 
retired to bed.

  Will, a devout man, had just finished saying his prayers and was 
climbing into bed when the power came back on, and he discovered he was 
with the wrong wife.

  He immediately started to dash for the hallway, but the girl in bed 
called out to him, "You're too late, chum! Come on back...my husband 
doesn't pray first."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get out your dictionaries and start the coffee brewing...

[FROM THE INTERNET}
---------------------------------------------------------
                     L'ISLE DE GILLIGAN

                        Brian Morton

    The hegemonic discourse of postmodernity valorizes modes of
expressive and "aesthetic" praxis which preclude any dialogic
articulation (in, of course, the Bakhtinian sense) of the antinomies of
consumer capitalism. But some emergent forms of discourse inscribed in
popular fictions contain, as a constitutive element, metanarratives
wherein the characteristic tropes of consumer capitalism are subverted
even as they are apparently affirmed.  A paradigmatic text in this
regard is the television series _Gilligan's Island_, whose seventy-two
episodes constitute a master-narrative of imprisonment, escape, and
reimprisonment which eerily encodes a Lacanian construct of compulsive
reenactment within a Foucaultian scenario of a panoptic social order in
which resistance to power is merely one of the forms assumed by power
itself. [1]

     The "island" of the title is a pastoral dystopia, but a dystopia
with a difference--or, rather, a dystopia with a _differance_ (in, of
course, the Derridean sense), for this is a dystopia characterized by
the free play of signifier and signified.  The key figure of "Gilligan"
enacts a dialect of absence and presence.  In his relations with the
Skipper, the Millionaire, and the Professor, Gilligan is the repressed,
the excluded. The Other:  He is the id to the Skipper's Ego, the
proletariat to the Millionaire's bourgeoisie, Caliban to the Professor's
Prospero. [2]  But the binarism of this duality is deconstructed by
Gilligan's relations with Ginger the movie star. Here Gilligan himself
is the oppressor: Under the male gaze of Gilligan, Ginger becomes the
Feminine-as-Other, the interiorization of a "self" that is wholly
constituted by the linguistic conventions of phallocratic desire
(keeping in mind, of course, Saussure's _langue/parole_ distinction).
That Ginger is identified as a "movie star" even in the technologically
barren confines of the desert island foreshadows Debord's concept of the
"society of the spectacle," wherein events and "individuals" are reduced
to simulacra. [3]  Indeed, we find a stunningly prescient example of
what Baudrillard as called the "depthlessness" of American in the
apparent "stupidity" of Gilligan and, indeed, of the entire series. [4]

     The eclipse of linearity effectuated by postmodernity, then,
necessitates a new approach to the creation of modes of liberatory/
expressive praxis.  The monologic and repressive dominance of
traditional "texts" (i.e., books) has been decentered by a dialogic
discourse in which the "texts" of popular  culture have assumed their
rightful place.  This has enormous implications for cultural and social
theory.  A journal like _Dissent_, instead of exploring the question of
whether socialism is really dead, would make a greater contribution to
postmodern discourse by exploring the question of whether Elvis is
really dead.  This I hope to demonstrate in a future study.

___------------------------------------------------------
FOOTNOTES

1. Gilligan himself represents the transgressive potentialities of the
decentered ego.  See Georges Thibault, _Jouissance et Jalousie dans
L'Isle de Gilligan_, unpublished dissertation on file at the Ecole
Normale Superieure (St. Cloud).

2. _Gilligan's Island_ may be periodized into an early, Barthean phase,
in which most episodes ended with an exhibition of Gilliganian
_jouissance_, and a second phase whose main inspiration is apparently
that of Nietzsche, via Lyotard.  The absence of any influence of
Habermas is itself a testimony to the all-pervasiveness of Habermas's
thought.

3. The 1981 television movie _Escape from Gilligan's Island_ represents
a reactionary attempt to totalize what had been theorized in the series
as an untotalizable herteroglossia, a _bricolage_.  The late 1970s
influence of the Kristevan semiotic needs no further comment here.

4. Why do the early episodes privilege a discourse of metonymy?  And what
of the title--_Gilligan's Island_?  In what sense is the island "his"?
I do not have the space to pursue these questions here, but I hope to do
so in a forthcoming book.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Oregon has a new state bird... the Gillooly Bird.
      Put it in a courthouse and it SINGS beautifully!

With apologies to the Kingston Trio:

Plotted at the ice rink.
Conspired with my wife.
Plotted at the ice rink.
Bashed Nancy with a pipe.

Hang down your head, Gillooly.
Hang down your head and sigh.
Hang down your head, Gillooly.
Your plan has gone awry.

They call it racketeering.
They say it isn't nice.
They call it racketeering.
I'm finking on my wife.

Hang down your head, Gillooly.
Hang down your head and sigh.
Hang down your head, Gillooly.
Your plan has gone awry.

They'll be no gold for Tonya,
So White Trash we'll remain.
They'll be no gold for Tonya,
But they'll be lots of chain.

Hang down your head, Gillooly.
Hang down your head and sigh.
Hang down your head, Gillooly.
Your plan has gone awry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  This guy travels to Africa and stays in the bush observing a pygmy 
tribe. He sort of hangs out with the witch doctor as that guy seems to be
most knowledgeable.
  One day he sees there is a new chief and asks the witch doctor what
happened. "Oh he died a horrible death", was his reply. A little later a 
large bird flew overhead shouting "foo foo" and shit on the guys head!  
He told the witch doctor he was going to wash it off, but the doc says 
"No, no wash that off, or you die a horrible death, that the shit of foo 
bird". Trying to comply with tribal customs the man agreed and left the 
shit on his head.
  Days passed, it was starting to smell bad.  Custom be damned, the man
decided to wash his head. So he went down to the river and washed the 
shit off. Then suddenly, he died a horrible death. No warning, he just 
died. The witch doctor walked up and shook his head in disappointment.
So what's the moral of this story?

          "If the Foo Shits, Wear It!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a hot summer day.  They
ride up to a bar and tie up the horses. The Lone Ranger says, "Tonto, I 
want you to stay out here and run around the horses to cool them off." 
"No problem Keemosabi." The Lone Ranger goes into the bar and starts
drinking.  He looses track of time and it's hours later when someone
walks into the bar and says, "Anybody in here own a white stallion?"
  "That's mine." says the Lone Ranger "Why?"
  "Well I just wanted to let you know you left your horse out here with
the injun running."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A nun and a priest were traveling through the North African desert to
establish an outpost of civilized religion among the heathens.
  After some five days of travel without passing water they began to
dehydrate.  Even the camel they were riding began to falter.  Finally
the camel died and they ran out of water and they were faced with death.
  They talked about their end in a far off lonely place.  They had no way
 of getting back to civilization without the camel.
  As they began to talk of impending death the priest said, "Sister, I
have never in my life seen the naked body of a woman.  Would you let
me see yours'?"
  The nun replied "Yes." and thereupon she stripped and the priest
looked at her body with curiosity.
  The nun said, "Father, I too have been curious about the human body
and I have never seen the nude body of the opposite sex.  May I see
yours'?"
  The priest said "If that is your last wish I will gladly accede." He
stripped and the nun looked at his body and stared at his tool.
  The priest noticed her starring at it and took it in his hand and
said "This is the part of a man that gives life."
  The nun replied "Then why the hell don't you use it on the camel?!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two nuns are riding their bicycles toward the convent when one nun says
to the other nun "Gee, I've never come this way before". The other nun 
replies "I know, I think it's the cobblestones".


  A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight.
When an attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like
cocktails, the rabbi said,"Yes, I'd like a Manhattan, please."
"No thank you," the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate.
"As a priest, I can't drink or fornicate."
"Wait a second,"the rabbi said, standing and waiving at the flight
attendant, "I didn't know I had a choice."


  Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area.
One day the mother superior called in the teenagers who were about to
leave.  "You're going into a sinful world," she said.  "I must warn
you that men will take advantage of you.  They'll buy you drinks and
dinner, take you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things 
to you.
Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."
"Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said.  "You mean men will
take advantage of us and give us money?"
"Yes child.  Why do you ask?"
"Because the priests only give us candy."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  There were two guys that played charades every week, betting big money.
Tom always seemed to win, and Joe always lost.  Joe planned and planned, 
and came up with what he thought was the perfect way to win back his 
money.

  The day came to bet, and Joe brought in seven naked women.  He placed
them so that the first one had her back to Tom, the second was facing
him, the third with her back to him, the fourth facing him, and the last
three with their backs to him.  "Guess that one!" he exclaimed,
triumphantly.

  "Ah, that's easy--the William Tell Overture," responded Tom.
  
  "How did you guess?" asked Joe.

  "Rump titty rump titty rump rump rump!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Willie the Brown-Nosed Clinton
Had a long and grimy nose,
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it grows!
All of the other Clintons
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Willie
Join in any Democrat games!
Then one day with gun control,
Brady came to say
"Willie with your nose so long
Stick it back where it belongs!"
Then Congress all bent over,
And he went to every hole,
Willie the Brown-Nosed Clinton,
You can ram it up Bob Dole!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  It was early Friday afternoon, and Mr. Henderson announced that
he was going home early for the weekend.  His employees were sure that
the boss was going to play golf and wouldn't be calling in, so within
ten minutes, all of them left, too.
  But when Joe, the shipping clerk, came home, he found Mr.
Henderson in bed with his wife.  He quietly left the house and went to a
movie.
  The next Friday, Mr. Henderson again announced that he was going
home early.  This time, too, the employees started leaving, too...all
except Joe.
  "What's the matter, Joe?"  somebody asked.  "You can leave.  The
boss won't be coming back."
  "I know," he replied, "but last week I left early and I almost
got caught!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A man and his wife were running to their seats after a movie
intermission.  In a voice of concern, he asked a man at the end of a
row, "Did I step on your toes on the way out?"
  "You certainly did," responded the other angrily.
  "All right," he said, turning to his wife.  "This is our row."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous
rainstorm.  Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded.
As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.
  Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat.
"Let's go, mister, into the boat."
  "I'll stay here," says the preacher.  "The Lord will save me."
  An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel.  "Sir, you
better get in.   The water is still rising.
  "No thanks," says the preacher.  "The Lord is my salvation."
  Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and
the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.
  "Hey buddy, get in the boat!   This is your last chance."
  "I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven.  I
KNOW the Lord will provide."
  As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning, and
the preacher is killed.
  When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious.  "What
happened?" he shouts.  "I thought the Lord would provide!"
  Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard:  "Gimme a break,
pal.  I sent three boats!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Lord Byron arrives in Heaven, and finds his old friend Shelley
waiting at the gate.
  "Percy, I can't believe it.  You died two years ago.  Why aren't
you inside?"
  "St. Peter says he's already got too many poets," says Shelley.
"So I've been waiting here for you.  Maybe together, we can convince
him to let us in."
  When St. Peter appears, he greets Byron by name.   "You two have
both been naughty," he says, "and I've already told your friend here
that we're pretty full.  We've only got room for one of you, so I'm
asking you each to write a verse for me about one of my favorite
places...Timbuktu.  I'll be back in an hour to see what you've come up
with."
  When St. Peter returns, Shelley proudly recites his poem:

  With feet upon the burning sand
  I gazed upon the promised land
  And in the far-off distant view
  The paradise of Timbuktu.

  "Very nice," says St. Peter.  And then, turning to Byron, he
says, "Your turn, sir."
        With a wink to his friend, Byron begins:

  Tim and I a-hunting went
  And spied three maidens in a tent
  As they were three, and we were two,
  I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so 
desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
ocean.   When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor
noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot
to live for.  I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can
stow you away on my ship.  I'll take good care of you and bring you food
every day."
  "Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
  The girl nodded.  What did she have to lose?
  That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. 
 From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
  Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the 
captain.
  "What are you doing here?" he asked.
  "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's 
taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me."
  "He sure did, lady," said the captain.  "This is the Staten Island 
Ferry."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  There was a man who owned many sheep and wanted to take them
over a river that was frozen over, but the woman who owned the river
said "no."  So he promised to marry her, and that's how he pulled the
wool over her ice.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                         * MicroSmart Inc. *

    Are you a young "African-American" couple who are about to have a 
baby? Or just a couple wanting a fashionable, "different-sounding" name 
for your child.
    MicroSmart's new "Random Name Generator" can save you time and 
needless arguments with your spouse.  It can supply you with a name in 
just seconds.
    It not only is fast, but powerful.  And with "Random Name 
Generator's" "custom" configurable menus, it's versatility is unmatched 
by any other similar programs!
    Here is just a list of some of the features you will recieve:

-"Random Name Generator" comes complete with over 150,000 names already
in it's enormous "name databases"!

-Configure the number of letters you want in the "random generated" name!

-Configure the number and type of vowels you want in name!

-Specify certain letters to be included in the "random gereration".

-"One-Of-A-Kind" mode checks to see if "random generated" name matches 
 any other from the name databases.  If it does, it "generates" another.

-Configure to pick only names from "Famous African Tribal Chieftans" 
 database. Some examples of actual names from database: "Wolohazi", 
 "Fempupu", "Bakita".

-Set menu to pick names from "Famous African-American Names" database.  
 Some examples are: "Mooky", "Yolanzo", "Spike", "Jesse", "Elrod", 
 "Cornelius","Lorenzo", "Malcolm", "Mustasfa", "Leonard", "Tawana", 
 "Latiffa", "Abdul", etc.

 This database has been updated to even include names of some of the 
 hero's of Super Bowl XXVIII.   Such as: "Nate", "Thurman", "Marcus", 
 "Monty", "Emmit", "Lincoln", "Dixon", "Leon", "Alvin", "Tyrone", 
 "Godfrey", and "Carwell".

"Random Name Generator" can also be ran from the command line using easy
 to learn parameters:

Example: AFRONAME /L8 /V2 /IDWH

would possibly generate this: DELSHAWN

/L8 = 8 letters in name
/V2 = use just 2 random vowels
/IDWH = use the letters D, W, H.  If you wanted to use the letter "I" in 
the include list, you must enclose the letter "I" in quotes as shown.

To order CALL MicroSmart:  1 (800) 555-1000  24hrs. 7-days
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                  Star Tribune
                       February 3, 1994, Community Zone 7

BYLINE: Chuck Shepherd

Reuters News Service reported in December that a 72-year-old retired 
gardener in England was credited with self-diagnosis of a tear in his 
bladder. The man diagnosed his condition by urinating into a plant pot; 
eventually a tomato plant sprouted. Doctors said that that indicated a 
leakage - in this case, of microscopic tomato seeds - between his bowel 
and his bladder. Doctors said growing urine cultures is the ordinary way 
of detecting such a tear but that this was the first self-diagnosis they 
had heard of.

   - David Blake, 22, suffered a broken leg and hip and internal injuries
in Toronto in September when he jumped from a fifth-floor balcony. Blake 
had been naked with his girlfriend in her room in her family's home when 
her father discovered them. Allegedly, he forced Blake at knife-point out 
onto the balcony and made him jump.

   - USA Today reported in October that Florida Wildlife Park officials 
planned to set up mirrors around six Caribbean flamingoes because they 
believe the birds are more sexually excitable if in a group.

   - In December in Moscow, Idaho, 15 Earth First! members were found 
guilty of several trespassing-type misdemeanors related to their protests 
of logging activities in the Nez Perce National Forest. Federal judge 
Edward Lodge suspended the prison sentences of the activists provided 
that they either get a job or go back to college.

   - In a report in the August Archives of Dermatology, a 39-year-old 
woman in Cleveland complaining of bad hair was reported to have the first 
adult case of "acquired uncombable hair," which produces permanently 
coarse, tangled hair. Her condition was attributed to a side-effect of a 
diuretic.

   - In September, inmates Willie James Wright and Albert Mathew escaped 
from the state prison in Rosharon, Texas, but were captured the next day. 
They had helped disguise their break by building papier-mache dummy 
heads, with real hair, and placing them on the pillows in their bunks. 
The ruse worked at the 10 p.m. bed check, but at 4:45 a.m., a guard 
realized that something did not look right.

   - The Dallas Morning News reported in September that a tornado near 
Saginaw, Texas, picked up James Davis' 4-pound Yorkshire terrier and 
carried it over 2 miles, setting it down along a road in view of a 
passerby. The dog, Sadie, suffered only minor injuries.

   - The Associated Press reported in December that University of 
Wisconsin dairy geneticist Denny Funk told Midwest farmers that one 
reason their milk production has fallen behind that of California is that 
Midwest farmers have a fondness for keeping better-looking cows around, 
even if they produce less milk.

   - Ronald Raymond Carr, 37, was given a suspended sentence in Norwalk, 
Calif., in October to the charge of furnishing drugs to a minor. He had 
admitted to giving his daughter methamphetamines as often as twice a day 
when she was age 11, 12 and 13 so that he would have company while he did
drugs.

   - In May in Lilburn, Ga., Charles (Chip) Mize Jr. was arrested for the
murder of his father after he allegedly pursued Charles Sr. into a locked
bathroom by chopping through the door with an ax. According to a family 
friend, "Chip really seemed to worship his dad," but relations had become
strained when Chip was questioned about whether he had actually enrolled 
in college after telling his parents he had.

   - David S. Clemons, 22, was charged with misdemeanor child abuse in 
Durham, N.C., in November after allegedly biting his 11-month-old baby on
the cheek during a class in which a child-care professional was trying to
teach parenting skills.

   - According to an official in an investigators' trade association, 
reported in Woman's Day magazine, parents hiring private eyes to track 
their children's whereabouts is up 25 percent. The detectives tap phones,
run background checks on their kids' friends, and perform 
around-the-clock surveillance.

   - In November, the St. Thomas Day Nursery in St. Thomas, Ontario, was 
burglarized for at least the fourth time in five months by someone 
stealing only dirty disposable diapers. The culprit broke a lock in an 
outside garbage bin and took only garbage bags containing the diapers.

   - In November, LaVonda Burnette was elected to the Chapel 
Hill-Carrboro (N.C.) school board after portraying herself as a 
23-year-old single mother who had worked her way through the University 
of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. After the election, she admitted that 
she had not attended UNC, but denied she had "misled" anyone and said the 
public outrage about her case was "just a classic example of what happens 
(to a person who) isn't a part of the status quo."

   - In November, Carmen Friedewald-Hill, 26, was sentenced to 20 years 
in prison in Frederick, Md., for shooting her boyfriend, Ryan Gesner, to 
death. She shot him in the stomach during an argument over who loved the 
other more.

   - A court in Vancouver, British Columbia, awarded David Mattatall $632
in medical costs and other expenses stemming from a car "accident" in 
1991. Mattatall had sued his mother for closing her car door on the paw 
of Mattatall's cat Daisy, and the loss means that Mattatall's mother will 
lose her 40% safe-driving discount. Daisy will not benefit from the 
money, since she subsequently was run over by another car.

   - Most of the 36 inmates jailed in Mason City, Iowa, started a hunger 
strike on the morning of May 12 to protest the quality and portions of 
the meals served to them. The strike went well at breakfast, but inmates 
became weary and dropped all of their demands by lunchtime.

   - Vicki Jo Daily, 36, filed a lawsuit in July in Jackson, Wyo., 
against the widow of the man she collided with and killed in a February 
accident. The 56-year-old victim's snowmobile had suddenly cut in front 
of Daily's pickup truck, and he died at the scene. Police said Daily was 
free of blame, and she now wants money from the widow for the "grave and 
crippling psychological injuries" she suffered by watching the man die.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   RESTAURANTS.

  The trouble with eating out is that the tables are reserved, but the 
diners aren't.

  One thing to remember when eating in a German restaurant:
  No matter how bad the appetizer is, the wurst is yet to come...
  But the good news is that you'll always be with the "in kraut."

  A restaurant is a place in which, the tenderer the meat, the
tougher it is to swallow the check.

  Overly chic is the Chinese restaurant that prints its menu in French.

  Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what people need to pay their 
restaurant tab.

  A restaurant is the only place where people are happy when they're
fed up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids.  She
complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts.  Such pests,
they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
  "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,"
her friend said.
  So Mary bought a playpen.  A few days later, her friend called
to ask how things were going.
  "Superb!  I can't believe it," Mary said.  "I get in that pen
with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife:     "We are not going to the mountains and that's final.
          The air out there disagrees with me."

Husband:  "My dear, it wouldn't dare."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  "Tomorrow is hubby Jimmie's birthday," Shirley told the women
gathered for a bridge party.
  "Great," one of the women said, "what are you getting for him?"
  "Make an offer," Shirley replied.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  A country singer is someone who uses two million dollars worth
of equipment to sing about the simple life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Upon entering a room in a hotel, a woman recognized a well-known
government official pacing up and down and asked what he was doing
there.  "I am going to deliver a speech," he said.
  "Do you usually get very nervous before addressing a large
audience?"
  "Nervous?" he replied.  "No, I never get nervous."
  "In that case," demanded the lady, "what are you doing in the
ladies room?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   When a man is described as having a green thumb, it doesn't
necessarily mean he's a great gardener.  It could also mean he's a
rotten painter!

   If you cross a rambling rose with a pansy, you get a rose that still
rambles, but it also skips!

   He must be a good gardener.  He and his plants are both potted!

   There was a man who flunked tree-doctor school.  He fainted at the
sight of sap!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alka-Seltzer:
        Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is.
        I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
Allstate Insurance:
        You're in good hands with Allstate.
American Broadcasting Company (ABC):
        Out is no place to be tonight.
American Express Credit Card:
        Don't leave home without it.
American Safety Council:
        There are a million and one excuses for not wearing a safety
        belt.  Some are real killers.
American Telephone & Telegraph (AT&T):
        Reach out and touch someone.
        Let your fingers do the walking. (Advertising yellow pages)
Amtrak:
        See America at see level.
Arpege Perfumes:
        Promise her anything, but give her Arpege.
Avis Car Rental:
        We try harder.
Bank Leumi Trust Company of NY:
        If it took six days to create the world, why should it take four
        weeks to get a loan?
Bolla Wines:
        Wine is a little like love; when the right one comes along, you
        know it.
Brim Decaffinated Coffee:
        Fill it to the rim with Brim.
Burger King:
        Have it your way.
Calvin Klein Jeans:
        Nothing comes between me and my Calvins.
Cartier Jewelry:
        Les must de Cartier.
Charmin Toilet Tissue:
        Please don't squeeze the Charmin.
Chemical Bank-New York Trust Company:
        When a woman's need is financial, her reaction is Chemical.
Chevrolet:
        See the USA in the Chevrolet.
Clairol Hair Color:
        Does she...or doesn't she?
        Hair color so natural only her hairdresser knows for sure.
        If I've only one life, let me live it as a blonde!
Coco-Cola:
        The pause that refreshes.
        It's the real thing.
        Have a Coke and a smile.
Coty Perfumes:
        Want him to be more of a man?  Try being more of a woman!
Cunard Cruises:
        Getting there is half the fun.
Doublemint Gum:
        Double your pleasure.  Double your fun.
DuPont:
        Better things for better living through chemistry.
Federal Express:
        When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
        When there's no tomorrow.
FLORIDA CITRUS COMMISSION:
        A DAY WITHOUT ORANGE JUICE IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE.
Ford:
        There's a Ford in your Future.
        Ford has a better idea.
        Quality is Job 1.
Four Roses:
        America's most gifted whiskey.
General Electric
        Progress is our most important product.
        GE....We bring good things to life.
Jell-O:
        It sits as lightly on a heavy meal as it does on your
        conscience.
Jockey Underwear:
        The best seat in the house.
Kentucky Fried Chicken:
        Buy a bucket of chicken and have a barrel of fun.
        We do chicken right.
Kool-Aid:
        Moms depend on Kool-Aid like kids depend on Moms.
Lipton Tea:
        Lipton's gets into more hot water than anything.
Lord West Formal Wear:
        A woman's most important accessory....her escort.
Maidenform:
        I dreamed I stopped traffic in my Maidenform bra.
M&Ms:
        The milk chocolate melts in your mouth....not in your hand.
Maytag Appliances:
        Our repairmen are the loneliest guys in town.
McDonald's:
        You deserve a break today.
Metropolitan Life Insurance:
        A child is someone who passes through your life and then
        disappears into an adult.
National Council on the Handicapped:
        A curb is a wall to a handicapped person.
New York City Opera:
        Come to the opera for a song. (Advertising subscription tickets)
New York Times:
        All the news that's fit to print.
9-Lives Cat Food:
        Hmph! Din-din.  I'll eat when I'm ready. (Voice of Morris the
        Cat)
        The cat who doesn't act finicky soon loses control of his owner.
Paramount Pictures:
        The Eyes and Ears of the World.
Pepperidge Farm:
        It's like ice cream that's gone to heaven. (Advertising parfait
        cake)
        Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Pillsbury:
        Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven.
Ralston Purina:
        All you add is love (Advertising Dog Chow)
        Don't treat your puppy like a dog. (Advertising Puppy Chow)
Red Cross:
        The greatest tragedy is indifference.
Reebok Athletic Shoes:
        Because life is not a spectator sport.
Rolaids:
        How do you spell relief?  R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Rolls-Royce:
        At 60 miles an hour the loudest noise in the new Rolls-Royce
        comes from the electric clock.
Scandinavian Lines Cruises:
        HMS Scandinavia;  she's oceans of fun.
Schaefer Beer:
        Schaefer is the one beer to have when you're having more than
        one.
Seagram's:
        Dryest gin in town.  Ask any Martini.
Squibb Pharmaceuticals:
        Adam and Eve ate the first vitamins, including the package.
        (Advocating balanced diet rather than reliance on vitamin pills.)
Steinway Pianos:
        You'll rarely attend a concert that's not attended by Steinway.
        The instrument of the immortals.
Tareyton Cigarettes:
        I'd rather fight than switch.
Texaco:
        You can trust your car to the man who wears the star.
Trival Pursuit Board Games:
        Every American is entitled to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of
        Trivia.
United Air Lines:
        Fly the friendly skies of United.
United Negro College Fund:
        A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
United States Army:
        Be all that you can be.
Virginia Slims Cigarettes:
        You've come a long way, baby.
Wall Street Journal:
        The daily diary of the American dream.
Waterford Glass:
        Born in fire, blown by mouth and cut by hand with heart.
        Even when a piece of Waterford is dated, it's timeless.
Wendy's:
        Where's the beef?
Winston Cigarettes:
        Winston tastes good like a cigarette should.
Wisk Laundry Detergent:
        Ring around the collar.
Yardley Lavender Soap:
        The soap that's kept women in hot water for 200 years....and
        they've loved every minute.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taken from a skit on Canadian TV's Royal Canadian Air Farce
(speaker is a curmugeonly Scot aping a Can. TV/Radio personality)

Do you watch those sports interviews on TV?
Wall to wall BS.

So, Jimmy "How do you think this game is going to go?"

"Well, if we get more pucks in the net than they do, we're going to win
the game."

"You don't say, Jimmy! You've been giving this a grfeat deal of deep
thought. If they score more than 10 goals, you'll have to take your
shoes off to keep score."

Look at the superbowl. There were scads of guys in the field -- all of
whom have spent four years in university. Think about that.

Can you imagine the conversation in the sidelines. Plato, Spinosa, the
validity of deconstructionism in literary criticism ... in a pig's
eye!

Why don't we hear the truth from the announcers:

"That was an 80-yard rush by Jimmy Gibson, 285-pound, 6'4" from Gonzo
college ... flunked 8 years of Reading 101, is now taking a
post-graduate course in How to Tell the Time.

The biggest story of all this week was the NBA refusing to give Toronto
a basketball franchise unless they cut basketball bettors from the
provincial sports lottery lineup.  Why?  Because the basketball
commissioner wants Canadians to be just like the Americans where you
can't bet on professional basketball unless you're one of those
privileged people who has access to a telephone.

Be serious. NBA doesn't stand for No Betting Allowed.

You can bet on anything in the States from the date of the next
earthquake to the size of Michael Jackson's, er, palimony.

Up here our betting profits go to buying hospitals. Down there they
seem to go to buying judges.

Isn't it thoughtful of the NBA to keep the Canadian market free for
organized crime.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the 
hills.  She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing 
about city life.  One attorney said to the other, "Mary is so young and 
pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city 
guys.  Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?

  "Great idea," said the partner.  You teach her what's right."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The little man came rushing into the minister's office, looking like he
had lost his last friend.  "Pastor, I'm desperate.  I got a job that pays 
very little and every year, my wife presents me with another child.   We 
got eleven.  Each year brings me another.  Pastor, please tell me what to 
do."

  "My advice to you, Sir, is to do nothing.  Simply layoff and do 
nothing, ab-so-lute-ly nothing, for a change."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge:      "Can we have your name, please?"
Defendant:  "Sue Baker."
Judge:      "Are you married?"
Defendant:  "Yes, Sir, sure am."
Judge:      "Occupation of your husband?"
Defendant:  "Manufacturer."
Judge:      "Children?"
Defendant:  "Certainly not!!! Furniture!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Although up in years, Pete's mother-in-law was determined to
learn how to drive.  On her very first time behind the wheel, she
moaned, "Pete, I don't know what to do!"
  Pete hesitated, let out a sneeze and said, "Just imagine I'm
doing the driving."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he called for 
Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest warriors in his tribe.  The 
chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins.  Whoever returned
with the most skins would be chief.  About a month later Geronimo came 
back with one hundred pelts, but Falling Rocks never returned.  Even 
today as you drive throughout the West you can see signs saying:

 WATCH OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Pointing to the bear rug on his den floor, a hunter told a friend, "I
got this one in Canada.  It was either him or me."
  The friend said, "Well, he makes a better rug!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following "Dear Abby" advice column article appeared in today's
paper:

  Dear Abby:
  I made a commitment to my children a couple of years ago.  When I get 
old, I'm going to get even with them.  How?

  I'm going to take turns living with them.

  I'm going to borrow their car and bring it back two hours later than I 
said I would...with an empty tank!

  I'm going to leave my clothes all over the house...tie up the 
telephone... leave all the lights on... and drink milk right out of the 
carton with the door of the refrigerator open.

  When I go to live with them, I am going to take along an untrained pet.
I'm going to borrow my son's jacket and return it with my teeth in the 
pocket.

  I'm going to wear an earring.  I might even dye my hair orange. And 
when they're gone for three or four days, I'm going to have a party every 
night.  I'm going to get myself one of those big stereos, and play all my 
"Sing Along With Mitch Miller" records really loud!
                                           ....Good Old Mom

  Dear Mom:
  You make your revenge sound almost fun.  Drop me a note when you
  go.  Who knows, I may want to join you!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIVING IN CAGES LINKED TO CANCER IN LABORATORY RATS 

AP - 

  The federal government today released the findings of a four year study 
that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing cancer 
in laboratory rats.  

  The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 
when all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer.  

  Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the 
possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidents of 
colon cancer.  The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force fed 
three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of popcorn 
daily, a perfectly reasonable amount.  The control group consisted of 
twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all known 
carcinogens.  To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed cancer 
within six months." 

  Mr.  Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control 
rats contracting cancer.  But as long as more of the rats in the test 
group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty good 
about condemning whatever we were testing at the time." 

  Mr Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results 
being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer.  He responded: 
"Yea, we had an scientist at the lab ask that once.  We had to let him go 
though when we found out he was a member of the Audubon Society; you 
know, conflict of interest.  He was a real trouble maker, always asking 
questions like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give anyone cancer?' 
We just didn't need that kind of a negative influence.  The last thing 
you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of fool questions." 

  When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr.  
Smith replied: "Why yes.  This could blow our whole gig.  I mean, if it's 
been the cages all along, this could mean that things like asbestos, 
smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless!" 

  Mr Smith continued: "This could change everything!  We may be forced to 
recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars.  This 
says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted 
cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend 
extended periods inside the animal's cages." 

  When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr Smith 
responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there.  
Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and 
living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things 
we have determined to cause cancer?  In fact right now we're in the 
middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer.  You 
think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent the 
control rats >From breathing so as not to invalidate the results by 
having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats." 

When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied: "Huh, what?  You talking to me?" 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
       Cartoon Laws
 Contributed by Trevor Paquette, Lt. Justin D. Baldwin & Stan Tisinger   

Cartoon Law I.

     Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
        aware of its situation.

                Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further 
                pastureland.  He loiters in midair, soliloquizing 
                flippantly, until he chances to look down.  At this 
                point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per 
                second takes over.
  
Cartoon Law II.

     Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
        intervenes suddenly.

                Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, 
                cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that
                only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their
                forward motion absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called this 
                sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
  
Cartoon Law III.

     Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
        conforming to its perimeter.

                Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is
                the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions
                and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that 
                they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a
                cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or 
                matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
  
Cartoon Law IV.

     The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
        than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
        ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it 
        unbroken.

                Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to 
                capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
  
Cartoon Law V.

     All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

                Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock 
                to propel them directly away from the earth's surface.  A
                spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will 
                induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a 
                chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.  The 
                feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a 
                speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially 
                when in flight.
  
Cartoon Law VI.

     As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

                This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
                which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from 
                the cloud of altercation at several places 
                simultaneously.  This effect is common as well among 
                bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A 'wacky' 
                character has the option of self-replication only at 
                manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve 
                the velocity required.
  
Cartoon Law VII.

     Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
        tunnel entrances; others cannot.

                This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, 
                but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance 
                on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable 
                to pursue him into this theoretical space.  The painter 
                is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow 
                into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, 
                not of science.
  
Cartoon Law VIII.

     Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

                Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the 
                traditional nine lives might comfortably afford.  They 
                can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, 
                spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. 
                After a few moments of blinking self pity, they 
                reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
  
     Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX.

     For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

                This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
                applies to the physical world at large.  For that reason,
                we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck 
                instead.

Cartoon Law X. 

     Money is no object in cartoons.

                Cartoon characters can, without visible means of support, 
                cash or credit cards, purchase expensive and elaborate 
                machines or explosive devices. These devices arrive 
                immediately after they are ordered, even though the mail 
                hasn't even picked up the order. This is really sad since 
                children grow up thinking they can have anything they want 
                immediately and without paying for it.

Cartoon Law XI.

     Starvation doesn't apply to cartoon characters. 

                Wiley Coyote hasn't eaten in thirty years or so. This must 
                be true since we are led to believe that this is the only 
                roadrunner on earth. Actually this is a subtle message from
                environmentalists that we should be protecting roadrunners.

Cartoon Law XII.

     Any object being eaten is only altered in shape or size by the first 
        bite taken from it. 

                This is most obvious when a cartoon character eats a 
                sandwich. The first bite leaves a mouth-sized chunk missing
                from the sandwich, then each subsequent bite comes from 
                that same spot. It is not clear how the character finishes 
                the sandwich or what becomes of it since it can't be 
                consumed in the normal way.

Cartoon Law XIII.

     A character's body parts do not have to be directly attached to his 
        person in order for them to function properly.

                This applies mainly to eyebrows which are often seen 
                floating above a character's forehead. They don't fall off 
                and respond normally to facial gestures and head movement.

Cartoon Law XIV.

     No blood, guts or protruding bones can be shown as a result of major 
        trauma to the character.

                Serious or minor injury to the character can only be 
                depicted as crossed band aids, casts on limbs or a 
                soot-blackened body(as in the case of an explosion).

Cartoon Law XV. 

     Static electricity has an exaggerated effect on cartoon characters. 

                This is best illustrated when the Pink Panther is 
                accidently sent through a washer and dryer. He becomes a 
                fluffy pink ball with two eyes showing total astonishment 
                and rolls around until the effect wears off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   NEWS BULLETIN!!!

Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the
fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main
building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons 
of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to
the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex.

Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the
state-of-the-art fish truck when the trusk struck the clearly-marked
building.  "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had thewheel at the time of
the accident.  Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive
on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources
suggest he has a history of drug abuse.

The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the
accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran
out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers.  Woodhead
also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard
right".

The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would
assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in
about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure.  He also stated
that thjey ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an
accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish.

When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company
officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in
Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable
to be dispatched to the scene.

On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for
all species.

Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and
reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to
Washington, DC.
                                            Art Marriott
                                            Physio-Control
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                        Freud on Seuss
                a book review by Josh LeBeau

(copied from the Koala, UCSD's humour newspaper, which has no
copyright notices in it anywhere)

_The Cat in the Hat_
by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages.  Beginner Books, $3.95

The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which 
the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of 
some of his earlier works, most notably _Green Eggs and Ham_, _If I Ran 
the Zoo_, and _Why Can't I Shower With Mommy?_  In this novel, Theodore 
Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great 
Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping 
two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by
their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their 
single-family dwelling.  In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol 
dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to 
succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other.  
Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the 
incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss' probing 
examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to 
charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as 
"tricks."  At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who 
represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the 
children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers 
associated with the unleashing of the primal urges.  In response to this, 
the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his 
umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!"

After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ 
figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most 
notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer 
of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children 
experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon."  Our 
heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus 
completes the Oedipal triangle.

Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a 
large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's 
concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious 
mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego 
which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, 
conscience, and guilt.  Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at 
this trick.  Take a look!"  In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a 
brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his 
own inner self.

The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these 
creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, 
control their lives.  This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ 
symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal 
triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children.  At this 
point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the 
psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives 
back in order.

With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's 
concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood 
gesture.  Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and 
serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism.  In all, his 
writing style is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible 
to put down.  While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it 
in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the 
genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following memorandum was apparently circulated at the L.A. Times:

--------
Los Angeles Times  --  Intra-Office Correspondence

 To members of the Times staff:

 Because of the current outflow-inflow revenue imbalances, certain
economy measures are being implemented throughout the newspaper for the
duration of the difficulties.  Your cooperation is necessary to help 
correct the imbalance more quickly.


 Starting immediately:

--The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more
economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints
on pillows is excluded from this list.  For your further guidance, a 
hotel & motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being 
reprinted for distribution.

--Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one 
room; for propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the 
other by night.  In case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor 
at or above the rank of assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to
mediate.

--When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers.  These can be 
obtained from hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops 
where they have been discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street 
people" sleeping on benches and sidewalks.

--All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk.  Any request 
for new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all 
pages filled on both sides.  When taking notes, please use abbreviations 
wherever possible; this will help to conserve.  The same rule for turning 
in used items will hold for pens, and pencil stubs.  New cassette tapes 
will be provided when old ones are turned in.  To obtain further use from 
your tape recorder batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your 
tongue and reinsert batteries in tape recorder.

--Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except 
under extraordinary circumstances.  Postcards will be provided through 
your department secretary.  Any reporter wishing to send items 
first-class can petition orally or in writing to the city desk for the 
necessary stamps.

--To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in
the newsroom and throughout the building.  Reporters deemed "need to 
know" can obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper 
daily; others are encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to 
purchase them at work.

--When dining out of town while on company business, employees are 
encouraged to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as 
a vegetable.

--To aid in our company "balance of payments,"  this fall, a company 
sales program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program -- will 
be instituted. Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by
employees in the course of their other duties i.e., reporters traveling
around southern California for interviews and research.  The Times' 
marketing division is preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array 
of Times merchandise, and order books.  These kits should be available by 
December 1, and will be distributed by your supervisor. 

--To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light 
power will be observed throughout the editorial department.  We will try 
to time these to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines.

--The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees'
ideas on cost-cutting.  Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be
rewarded with free meal passes to the company cafeteria.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
       How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac?


     A while back, someone asked how many generic chickens would fit 
into a generic Pontiac. This question has been on my mind recently, so I 
decided to work out this problem, for the benefit of all humanity.

I. It has been proven succesfully that chickens have a definite   
   wave-like nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's famous double-slit 
   experiment of 1801, Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas showed that chickens
   not only diffract, but produce interference patterns as well. (This 
   experiment is fully documented in Sir Kenneth's famous treatise 
   "Tossing Chickens Through Various Apertures in Modern Architecture", 
   1897)

II. It is also known, as any farmhand can tell you, that whereas if one 
    chicken is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible to 
    pinpoint the exact location of the chicken at any given time t. This
    was summarized by Helmut Heisenberg (Werner's younger brother) in
    the equation:
          d(chicken) * dt >= b 
    (where b is the barnyard constant; 5.2 x10^(-14) domestic fowl * 
    seconds)

III. Whatever our results, they must be consistant with the fundamentals 
     of physics, so energy, momentum, and charge must all be conserved.

     A. Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was  
        discovered by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with 
        chickens, kites, and thunderstorms.
     B. The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation:
                 E = K + V
        Where V is the potential energy of the chicken, and K is the 
        kinetic energy of the chicken, given by 
                 (.5)mv^2 or (p^2) / (2m).
     C. Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know that 
        the momentum of a free-chicken (that is, a chicken not enclosed 
        in any sort of Pontiac) is given by: p = b / w.

IV. With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave equation 
    for the potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave equation will 
    allow us to calculate the probability of finding any number of 
    chickens in automobiles.) The wave equation for a non-relativistic, 
    time-independant chicken in a one- dimensional Pontiac is given by:
          [V * P] - [[(b^2) / (2m)] * D^2(P)] = E * P
    P is the wave function, and D^2(P) is its second derivative.
         The wave equation can be used to prove that chickens are in 
         fact quantized, and that by using the Perdue Exclusion formula 
         we know that no two chickens in any Pontiac can have the same 
         set of quantum numbers.

V. The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply the 
   integral of P * P * dChicken from 0 to x, where x = the length of the 
   Pontiac. Since each chicken will have its own set of quantum numbers
   (when examining the case of the three-dimensional Pontiac) different
   wave functions can be derived for each set of quantum numbers.
        It is important to note that we now know that there is no such
   thing as a generic chicken.  Each chicken influences the position and
   velocity of every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each chicken
   must be treated individually. 
        It has been theorized that chickens do in fact have an intrinsic
   angular momentum, yet no experiment has been yet conducted to prove 
   this, as chickens tend to move away from someone trying to spin them.
        Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any attempt to integrate a 
   chicken should be done by parts, as most people will tend to want the 
   legs (dark meat), which can lead to innumerable family conflicts 
   which are best avoided if at all possible.

     The Prestidigitator, Drew Physics Major Extraordinary
     24 March 1988
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                   The Etiology & Treatment of Childhood
 
                             Jordan W. Smoller
                        University of Pennsylvania
 
    Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive
serious attention from clinicians.  The syndrome itself, however, is not 
at all recent.  As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom 
made references to "short, noisy creatures," who may well have been what 
we now call "children."  The treatment of children, however, was unknown 
until this century, when so-called "child psychologists" and "child
psychiatrists" became common.  Despite this history of clinical neglect, 
it has been estimated that well over half of all Americans alive today 
have experienced childhood directly (Suess, 1983).  In fact, the actual 
numbers are probably much higher, since these data are based on 
self-reports which may be subject to social desirability biases and 
retrospective distortion.
    The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is
reflected in the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or 
DSM-IV, of the American Psychiatric Association (1990).  Clinicians are 
still in disagreement about the significant clinical features of 
childhood, but the proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the 
following core features:
 
        1. Congenital onset
        2. Dwarfism
        3. Emotional lability and immaturity
        4. Knowledge deficits
        5. Legume anorexia

                      Clinical Features of Childhood
 
    Although the focus of this paper is on the efficacy of conventional
treatment of childhood, the five clinical markers mentioned above merit
further discussion for those unfamiliar with this patient population.
 
CONGENITAL ONSET
 
    In one of the few existing literature reviews on childhood, Temple-
Black (1982) has noted that childhood is almost always present at birth,
although it may go undetected for years or even remain subclinical
indefinitely.  This observation has led some investigators to speculate 
on a biological contribution to childhood.  As one psychologist has put 
it, "we may soon be in a position to distinguish organic childhood from
functional childhood" (Rogers, 1979).
 
DWARFISM
 
    This is certainly the most familiar marker of childhood.  It is 
widely known that children are physically short relative to the 
population at large.  Indeed, common clinical wisdom suggests that the 
treatment of the so-called "small child" (or "tot") is particularly 
difficult.  These children are known to exhibit infantile behaviour and 
display a startling lack of insight (Tom and Jerry, 1967).
 
EMOTIONAL LABILITY AND IMMATURITY
 
    This aspect of childhood is often the only basis for a clinician's
diagnosis.  As a result, many otherwise normal adults are misdiagnosed as
children and must suffer the unnecessary social stigma of being labelled 
a "child" by professionals and friends alike.
 
KNOWLEDGE DEFICITS
 
    While many children have IQ's with or even above the norm, almost all
will manifest knowledge deficits.  Anyone who has known a real child has
experienced the frustration of trying to discuss any topic that requires
some general knowledge.  Children seem to have little knowledge about the
world they live in.  Politics, art, and science -- children are largely
ignorant of these.  Perhaps it is because of this ignorance, but the sad
fact is that most children have few friends who are not, themselves,
children.
 
LEGUME ANOREXIA
 
    This last identifying feature is perhaps the most unexpected.  Folk
wisdom is supported by empirical observation -- children will rarely eat
their vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for review).
 
                            Causes of Childhood
 
    Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of
childhood?  Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation 
from a number of perspectives.  Some of the most prominent are reviewed 
below.
 
Sociological Model
 
    Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about sociological
causes of childhood.  He points out two key observations about children: 
  1) the vast majority of children are unemployed, and 
  2) children represent one of the least educated segments of our society.  In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more than fourth grade education.
    Clearly, children are an "out-group."  Because of their intellectual
handicap, children are even denied the right to vote.  From the
sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping 
assimilate children into mainstream society.  Unfortunately, some victims
are so incapacitated by their childhood that they are simply not 
competent to work.  One promising rehabilitation program (Spanky and 
Alfalfa, 1978) has trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade.
 
Biological Model
 
    The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led
some to speculate on a biological contribution.  An early investigation 
by Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated that childhood runs in 
families. Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over 
half contained more than one child.  Further investigation revealed that 
even most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some 
point.  Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli & Din, 1950) indicate that 
family childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East.  For example, in 
Indian and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members 
may have childhood.
    Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood comes from a
large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972).  These authors
studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for
childhood.  Among identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was 
unusually high (0.92), i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, 
the other twin was almost always a child as well.
 
Psychological Models
 
    A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the
development of childhood exist.  They are too numerous to review here. 
Among the more familiar models are Seligman's "learned childishness" 
model.  According to this model, individuals who are treated like 
children eventually give up and become children.  As a counterpoint to 
such theories, some experts have claimed that childhood does not really 
exist. Szasz (1980) has called "childhood" an expedient label.  In 
seeking conformity, we handicap those whom we find unruly or too short to 
deal with by labelling them "children."
 
                          Treatment of Childhood
 
    Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself.  Only 
in modern times, however, have humane and systematic treatment protocols 
been applied.  In part, this increased attention to the problem may be 
due to the sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood.  
Government statistics (DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive 
today than at any time in our history.  To paraphrase P.T. Barnum: 
"There's a child born every minute."
    The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention
inevitable.  The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains 
the largest single program  for the treatment of childhood -- so-called 
"public schools."  Under this colossal program, individuals are placed 
into treatment groups based on the severity of their condition.  For 
example, those most severely afflicted may be placed in a "kindergarten" 
program. Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally 
immature,and intellectually deficient.  Given this type of individual, 
therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping the child 
master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting).
    Unfortunately, the "school" system has been largely ineffective.  Not
only is the program a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow
down the rising incidence of childhood.
    Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental
health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment 
of childhood.  Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark 
treatises on childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed 
great successes in their clinical interventions.
    By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned.  Even
after years of costly analysis, many victims remained children.  The
following case (taken from Gumbie & Poke, 1957) is typical.
 
                         Billy J., age 8, was brought to treatment by his
          parents.  Billy's affliction was painfully obvious.  He
          stood only 4'3" high and weighed a scant 70 lbs.,
          despite the fact that he ate voraciously.  Billy
          presented a variety of troubling symptoms.  His voice
          was noticeably high for a man.  He displayed legume
          anorexia, and, according to his parents, often refused
          to bathe.  His intellectual functioning was also below
          normal -- he had little general knowledge and could
          barely write a structured sentence.  Social skills were
          also deficient.  He often spoke inappropriately and
          exhibited "whining behaviour."  His sexual experience
          was non-existent.  Indeed, Billy considered women
          "icky."  His parents reported that his condition had been
          present from birth, improving gradually after he was
          placed in a school at age 5.  The diagnosis was
          "primary childhood."  After years of painstaking
          treatment, Billy improved gradually.  At age 11, his
          height and weight have increased, his social skills are
          broader, and he is now functional enough to hold down a
          "paper route."

    After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has
come to light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may
not be all gloom.  A critical review by Fudd (1972) noted that studies of
the childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up.  Acting on this
observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a large-scale 
longitudinal study.  These investigators studied two groups.  The first 
group consisted of 34 children currently engaged in a long-term 
conventional treatment program.  The second was a group of 42 children 
receiving no treatment. All subjects had been diagnosed as children at 
least 4 years previously, with a mean duration of childhood of 6.4 years.
    At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom 
that childhood is a refractory  disorder -- virtually all symptoms 
persisted and the treatment group was only slightly better off than the 
controls.
    The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were startling. 
The investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly , & Shemp, 1984) assessed the
original cohort on a variety of measures.  General knowledge and 
emotional maturity were assessed with standard measures.  Height was 
assessed by the "metric system" (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by 
the Vegetable Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1968).  Moe et al. 
found that subjects improved uniformly on all measures.  Indeed, in most 
cases, the subjects appeared to be symptom-free.  Moe et al. report a 
spontaneous remission rate of 95%, a finding which is certain to 
revolutionize the clinical approach to childhood.
    These recent results suggests that the prognosis for victims of
childhood may not be so bad as we have feared.  We must not, however,
become too complacent.  Despite its apparently high spontaneous remission
rate, childhood remains one of the most serious and rapidly growing
disorders facing mental health professional today.  And, beyond the
psychological pain it brings, childhood has recently been linked to a
number of physical disorders.  Twenty years ago, Howdi, Doodi, and 
Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated a six-fold increased risk of chicken pox, 
measles, and mumps among children as compared with normal controls.  
Later, Barby and Kenn (1971) linked childhood to an elevated risk of 
accidents -- compared with normal adults, victims of childhood were much
more likely to scrape their knees, lose their teeth, and fall off their
bikes.
    Clearly, much more research is needed before we can give any real 
hope to the millions of victims wracked by this insidious disorder.
 
                                REFERENCES
 
American Psychiatric Association (1990).  The diagnostic and statistical
    manual of mental disorders, 4th edition: A preliminary report. 
    Washington, D.C.; APA.
Barby, B., & Kenn, K. (1971).  The plasticity of behaviour.  In B. Barby 
    & K. Kenn (Eds.), Psychotherapies R Us.  Detroit: Ronco press.
Brady, C., & Partridge, S. (1972).  My dads bigger than your dad.  Acta
    Eur. Age, 9, 123-126.
Flintstone, F., & Jetson, G. (1939).  Cognitive mediation of labour
    disputes.  Industrial Psychology Today, 2, 23-35.
Fudd, E.J. (1972).  Locus of control and shoe-size.  Journal of Footwear
    Psychology, 78, 345-356.
Gumbie, G., & Pokey, P. (1957).  A cognitive theory of iron-smelting. 
    Journal of Abnormal Metallurgy, 45, 235-239.
Howdi, C., Doodi, C., & Beauzeau, C. (1965).  Western civilization: A
    review of the literature.  Reader's digest, 60, 23-25.
Moe, R., Larrie, T., & Kirly, Q. (1974).  State childhood vs. trait
    childhood.  TV guide, May 12-19, 1-3.
Moe, R., Larrie, T., Kirly, Q., & Shemp, C. (1984).  Spontaneous 
    remission of childhood.  In W.C. Fields (Ed.), New hope for children
    and animals.  Hollywood: Acme Press.
Popeye, T.S.M. (1957).  The use of spinach in extreme circumstances. 
    Journal of Vegetable Science, 58, 530-538. 
Popeye, T.S.M. (1968).  Spinach: A phenomenological perspective.  
    Existential botany, 35, 908-813. 
Rogers, F. (1979).  Becoming my neighbour.  New York:Soft press. 
Ruler, Y. (1923).  Assessing measurements protocols by the multi-method 
    multiple regression index for the psychometric analysis of factorial 
    interaction.  Annals of Boredom, 67, 1190-1260. 
Spanky, D., & Alfalfa, Q. (1978).  Coping with puberty.  Sears catalogue, 
    45-46. 
Suess, D.R. (1983).  A psychometric analysis of green eggs with and 
    without ham.  Journal of clinical cuisine, 245, 567-578. 
Temple-Black, S. (1982).  Childhood: an ever-so sad disorder.  Journal of 
    precocity, 3, 129-134. 
Tom, C., & Jerry, M. (1967).  Human behaviour as a model for 
    understanding the rat.  In M. de Sade (Ed.).  The rewards of 
    Punishment.  Paris:Bench press. 

                             FURTHER READINGS 
 
Christ, J.H. (1980).  Grandiosity in children.  Journal of applied 
    theology, 1, 1-1000. 
Joe, G.I. (1965).  Aggressive fantasy as wish fulfilment.  Archives of 
    General MacArthur, 5, 23-45. 
Leary, T. (1969).  Pharmacotherapy for childhood.  Annals of astrological 
    Science, 67, 456-459. 
Kissoff, K.G.B. (1975).  Extinction of learnt behaviour.  Paper presented 
    to the Siberian Psychological Association, 38th annual Annual 
    meeting, Kamchatka.
Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1979).  Behaviour therapy prevents tooth decay. 
    Journal of behavioral Orthodontics, 5, 79-89. 
Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1980).  A failure to replicate the results of 
    Smythe and Barnes.  Journal of dental psychiatry, 34, 678-680. 
Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1980).  Your study was poorly done: A reply to 
    Potash and Hoser.  Annual review of Aquatic psychiatry, 10, 123-156. 
Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1981).  Your mother wears army boots: A further 
    reply to Smythe and Barnes.  Archives of invective research, 56, 5-9.
Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1982).  Embarrassing moments in the sex lives 
    of Potash and Hoser: A further reply.  National Enquirer, May 16. 

 