                     THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON HERE
                by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist


          Concerned?  You bet we are concerned, here at the Bureau of Fish
     and Game Acting  Weird.   Our first inkling of trouble was when alert
     reader John Wilkinson sent  us  the  news  item  from  the Italy news
     roundup in a newspaper called The European:

          "Carmen Malavasi, 54, was riding  her moped alongside a canal in
     Suzzara, Milan, when a huge carp  leapt  out of the water and hit her
     in the face.  She lost control of the moped and ran into a car, which
     crashed into a lamp post.  Both she  and the car driver were taken to
     hospital."

          This  is  chilling  news,  because until now the carp  has  been
     considered a friend of man.  There are may recorded instances wherein
     a  swimmer  was drowning, and along came a carp, which realized  what
     was  happening and swam off to get help.  Of course, within  seconds,
     the carp completely  forgot its mission;  we're talking about animals
     with the brainpower of  cashews.    But  at  least they never did any
     actual harm, until this incident.

          You are saying:  "Yes,  but  that  was  just  one  Italian carp,
     probably acting on its own or  at  most with one or two accomplices."
     Well, perhaps you will change your tune  when you read this item from
     The Times of London, sent in by several  alert readers, concerning an
     incident  in  the  town  of  Walthamstow, England:  "A  fish  breeder
     watched  in dismay as the beautiful Koi carp, swimming gracefully  in
     his garden pond, began blowing up, scattering multicolored scales all
     over his garden." The breeder suspects that the carp were affected by
     a chemical in the pond.

          Your natural reaction,  of  course, is:  "What is this chemical,
     and why don't we put some in the US House of Representatives swimming
     pool?"

          No!  Your reaction is  to  realize  that,  according to Newton's
     Theory of Evolution, the next logical  development  is carp that both
     leap and explode.  This is especially  alarming  in light of the fact
     that  many  hotels  now have decorative carp ponds  in  their  lounge
     areas.    It's  only a matter of time before  a  sales  professional,
     unwinding after a hard day by trying to grope the  cocktail waitress,
     is  reduced to thousands of tiny professional shards by a pond-to-air
     Scud Carp.

          And  as  if  that isn't enough, we also have this situation with
     the  alcoholic  marmots.    We refer to a news report from The Fresno
     Bee, written  by  Gene  Rose  and  sent  in  by  many  alert readers,
     headlined:  "Marmots  getting  high  on  coolant." The article states
     that the marmots, which  are  members  of  the ground-squirrel family
     that look kind of like Walter Cronkite, have been gnawing through car
     radiator hoses so they can drink  the ethylene glycol coolant and get
     snockered.

          "The marmots have apparently become ethylene glycol  junkies," a
     wildlife biologist is quoted as saying.

          WARNING TO YOUNG PEOPLE:  Do not try  this  yourselves.  For one
     thing, radiator hoses are very hard on your teeth.

          Any police officer will tell you there's no point  in  trying to
     reason  with  drunk  marmots.  The best way to handle  them,  in  our
     opinion,  would  be  to  hire  Gay Balfour of Cortez, Colo., who  has
     invented a machine that sucks prairie dogs out of the ground.   We're
     not making this  up,  either.    Prairie  dogs are little underground
     rodents that look kind  of  like  Walter  Cronkite  and  are sometime
     considered a hard-to-get-rid-of nuisance.  Mr.  Balfour's machine was
     the subject of a Denver Post  article, sent in by many alert readers,
     featuring a photo of a man sticking  a  fat  hose into the ground and
     vacuuming prairie dogs into a huge yellow contraption.    The article
     states  that  this is a harmless procedure wherein the  prairie  dogs
     "are literally sucked out of their homes into a roaring  300 mph wind
     tunnel  and  deposited  inside a truck with hundreds of their equally
     bewildered colleagues."

          This procedure  would  definitely sober up the marmots.  But the
     question we must  ask  ourselves,  as  ecologists  and  animal-rights
     activists, is:  Would  it also work on our son?  We're thinking about
     the problem of getting him  up  for  school.   This is very difficult
     because he is held down by the strongest force on Earth, Bed Gravity,
     which renders him incapable of doing anything  except  shout,  "I  am
     getting up!" every five minutes.  He can  keep  this  up  for  hours.
     Vacuum power could be the answer.

          US:  Robert!  Get up right now!

          ROBERT:  I am get...

          VACUUM:  WHOOOOOOOMMMM

          Milliseconds  later,  our son, traveling at 300 mph and  looking
     like  Walter Cronkite would arrive at the breakfast table.   Wouldn't
     that be great, parents?  It would mean a brighter future  for us all,
     unless we are killed by carp.  Pass the radiator hose.
