                              MUCH ADO ABOUT....
                by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist


          These are  indeed  exciting  times  we  live  in,  what with the
     radical  political  changes    in    Eastern   Europe,  the  dramatic
     developments  in  South Africa  and,  of  course,  the  long  overdue
     Illinois Owl Vomit Study.   This  was alertly brought to my attention
     by reader Paul Baker, who sent  an  article  from The Wisconsin State
     Journal headlined *"lawmakers Choke on Owl Vomit  Study."*  It  seems
     that some Illinois legislators are upset because the state is funding
     a  $180,000 study wherein researchers go around collecting owl  vomit
     to  see  what  they  (the  owls)  eat,  which  could  have  important
     implications.

          "Owls spit up pellets of hair, bone and teeth...at least once or
     twice a day." states the article.

          This is also true of our small auxiliary dog, Zippy.  His  hobby
     is  throwing  up lizard parts when we're trying to eat dinner.  He'll
     get that  look  of total concentration that dogs get when they have a
     really important task  to perform, then he'll hunch his body over and
     walk around in a  circle  making a noise that sounds like "hornk." If
     you put him outside, he'll  sit  patiently  by the door until you let
     him back inside, then he'll resume hornking.

          "Never throw up your lizard parts outside" is Rule No.  1 of the
     Dog Code of Ethics.

          So,  as  you can imagine, our dinners  have  a  very  appetizing
     ambiance.  
     
     MY WIFE:  Would you like  some  more stew?  ME:  Sure, I'd love.....    
     ZIPPY:    Hornk.    
     ME:    On  second thought...  
     ZIPPY:  HORRRRRNNK.   
     MY  SON:    Look!  A tail and a leg!  
     ME:  I think I'll just lie down.

          And I'll tell you something else that is not helping my appetite
     any:   Our refrigerator  currently  contains  a  jug  of  pond  water
     infested with mosquito larvae, which  are  so unappetizing as to make
     semidigested lizard parts look like Chicken McNuggets.  The reason we
     have mosquito larvae in our refrigerator, as you parents have already
     deduced, is that our son is doing a sciencefair project that involves
     seeing  what  happens  to  larvae  when  you  put them  into  various
     environments  such  as  the refrigerator environment, the hall closet
     environment, etc.  Here are our key findings:

          1.   In  the  hall-closet  environment,  the  larvae  turn  into
     mosquitoes and wait  in  the  dark until you open the door, when they
     hurl their bodies pathetically  up  against  the side of the jar and,
     with whiny little voices, go,  "Please  let  me  out  please, please,
     *please* I won't suck your blood I *swear*.  But they are lying.

          2.  In the refrigerator environment,  the larvae do nothing, and
     after a while you don't even notice  them, leading to the danger that
     their  jar  will  become part of the general  population  of  Mystery
     Refrigerator  Items  like the leftover takeout Chinese food from  the
     Carter  administration,  and  then  one day Grandpa Bob will come  to
     visit,  and in the middle of the night he'll get thirsty  and  tiptoe
     out  to  the refrigerator, reach in, pull out what looks like a  nice
     refreshing  jug of iced tea, take a big swig and - gaaaaaaaaccccckkkk
     - thud to the floor.  And then Zippy will throw up on him.

          But I  will  say  this  for  our dogs:  They never shot anybody.
     This is more than I can say for the dog in Lyngdal, Norway, that shot
     a man.  According  to  a  news article sent in by many alert readers,
     the man was hunting rabbits,  and  he  set  his gun down, and his dog
     "accidentally"  hit  the  trigger,  causing  the    gun  to  go  off.
     Fortunately,  the man suffered only minor injuries.    Unfortunately,
     the  rabbits  saw  the  whole thing and have  obtained  a  mail-order
     assault rifle.

          Just kidding, of course!  But I am not  kidding  about the Arson
     Cat.  According to an associated Press story also alertly  sent in by
     numerous  readers,  investigators concluded that a house fire in Lima
     N.Y., was  caused  by "a cat playing with matches," prompting us once
     again to ask  ourselves, as concerned citizens, *when* the government
     is going to come  to its senses and order the mandatory sterilization
     of *all* cat owners.   On  a  brighter  note,  The New Zealand Herald
     reports  that  a  woman  in Adelaide,  Australia,  received  a  hefty
     out-of-court  settlement  "after  she  was  hit in  the  back  by  an
     eight-kilogram  frozen tuna during world tuna-tossing championships."
     The story  adds  that  the  organizers  of this annual event "are now
     trying to make  the sport safer for spectators by developing a rubber
     tuna."

          So there is Hope  for  Tomorrow.    In  fact, things are looking
     better already:  Alert reader  Perry  Bradshaw  sent  me  a news item
     stating that the governor of Minnesota,  whose  name (I am not making
     this governor up) is "Rudy Perpich," has  declared  1990  to  be "The
     Year of the Polka." I wouldn't be surprised  if  this  exciting event
     drew music enthusiasts from as far away as Illinois  ("The  Owl Vomit
     State").  I'd be there myself, but I have to  taunt  the  hall-closet
     mosquitoes.
