                THE INSECT LOBBY SPEAKS - AND VOTES - ITS MIND
                                 by Dave Barry


          I wish  that  the critics who claim the average American doesn't
     care about the  issues  could  see  the response we got to our survey
     about the Official National Insect.  We have been flooded with postal
     cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes.
     Just a quick glance through these  cards  is enough to remind you why
     this great nation, despite all the talk  of  decline, still leads the
     world in tranquilizer consumption.

          As  you  may  recall,  this issue arose when  the  Entomological
     Society of America, realizing that troubled times like these call for
     bold   government,  began  lobbying  Congress  to  name  the  monarch
     butterfly as  the Official National Insect.  Congresspersons received
     a  glossy full-color  promotional  brochure  pointing  out  that  the
     monarch is attractive, ecological, educational and courageous, having
     on several occasions disregarded its  own  personal  safety  to  pull
     little Timmy out of the quicksand.

          Or  maybe  that  was  Lassie.   Anyway,  the  monarch  butterfly
     appeared  to  have a lock on the  National  Insectship,  because  the
     Entomological Society of America is a powerful outfit.  More than one
     person  who  has  dared  to  challenge  the  society on  a  piece  of
     insect-related  legislation has found his  automobile  ignition wired
     to a hornet's nest in the glove compartment.

          Well, you  can  call  me  a  courageous  patriot  with cruel yet
     handsome eyes if  you  wish,  but  I  happen  to  think that when our
     Founding Fathers froze their buns at Valley Forge, they were fighting
     to create a nation where  the  National  Insect  would be chosen by a
     fair and open process, not in some gnat-filled back room.  That's why
     I asked you, the average citizen with no ax to grind and way too much
     spare time, to write in and voice your opinion.

          All I can say is, it's a good  thing that some of you don't have
     axes, if you get my drift.  I refer  particularly  to  the person who
     wrote:  "My choice for Official National Incest is mother-son.  Thank
     you for asking."

          Many  of  you  voted  for the dung beetle, the mosquito and  the
     leech, all of which were inevitably compared to Congress.  I'm sorry,
     but that's  a  low  blow:  Our research indicates that no dung beetle
     has ever accepted money from a savings-and-loan operator.

          Other insects receiving votes include:  the earwig;  the gadfly;
     the tarantula hawk wasp  (which  kills tarantulas for a living and is
     already the Official Insect of  New Mexico);  the maggot;  the killer
     bee (as one reader put it,  "We better start sucking up to them while
     there's still time");  the scorpion;   the  pissant;   the stink bug;
     the termite;  "men";  the tick;   the  Stealth  bomber;   the nervous
     tick;  a dead bug named Hector that was  actually  mailed to us;  the
     screwworm;  the fly ("Zip up, America!");  the weevil;  the dust mite
     ("I want a National Insect I can unknowingly inhale");  the  worm  at
     the  bottom  of  the tequila bottle;  the spittle bug;  "Those little
     moths that  get  into  your  cabinets  and lay eggs in your Stove Top
     Stuffing which hatch  and  cause  you  to eat the larvae";  the pubic
     louse;  the horned  fungus  beetle  ("because  is  strongly resembles
     ex-president Richard Nixon, which makes  stomping one into oblivion a
     special  American  experience");  Johnny Mantis;    the  Ford  Pinto;
     Mothra;  "any 13 year-old or my ex-husband";  the contact lens borer;
     the booger;  the bug that goes splat  on  your  windshield;   and Ted
     Kennedy.

          Without  question the most thoughtful vote came from 8  year-old
     David Affolter, a student at the Spruce Street School in Seattle, who
     wrote:   "I want the National Insect to be the ladybug,  because  the
     ladybug can do about everything a bug should do.  It can  be  a board
     game piece."

          It's hard to argue with that.  But it's also hard to argue  with
     the numbers,  and there were 213 votes for the monarch butterfly, vs.
     87 for the ladybug, 72 for the praying mantis, 65 for the bee, 43 for
     Sen.  Jesse Helms and 37 for the cockroach.  Beetles, as a group, got
     261 votes, but the beetle  vote  was  badly  divided,  with  no clear
     "take-charge" beetle emerging.

          This  is a shame, because one  beetle,  which  received  several
     dozen  votes, clearly deserves further consideration.   This  is  the
     bombardier beetle, which - I am not making  this up - has an internal
     reaction  chamber  where  it  mixes  chemicals that actually explode,
     enabling the beetle to shoot a foul-smelling, high temperature jet of
     gas out its rear end with a distant "crack." It reminds  me of guys I
     knew  in  college.    The  Time-Life  insect  book  has  a  series of
     photographs in which what is described as "a self- assured bombardier
     beetle" defeats a  frog.   In the first picture, the frog is about to
     chomp the beetle;   in  the second, the beetle blasts it;  and in the
     third, the frog is staggering  away,  gagging,  clearly wondering how
     come it never learned about this  in  Frog School.  I would be darned
     proud,  as  an  American,  to be represented  by  this  insect.    An
     engraving of a bombardier beetle emitting a defiant  blast  from  his
     butt would look great on a coin.

          My point is that, although the monarch butterfly is  clearly the
     front-runner and has a slick, well-financed campaign, we need to give
     this  National  Insect  thing  a lot more thought.  Maybe, as  reader
     James Buzby  (his  real  name)  suggests,  Congress  should appoint a
     Stopgap National Insect while we make our final determination.

          But whatever happens, I intend to follow this story, even though
     I may irritate the  powerful  Entomological Society of America, which
     for all I know could  try  to.....Hey, what are these things crawling
     out of my keyboard?  OUCH!  HEY!!  OUCH!!!!
