                               GRAMMATICAL GEMS
                by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist


          Once again, we are  pleased  to  present Mister Language Person,
     the internationally recognized expert and author of the authoritative
     "Oxford Cambridge Big Book o' Grammar."

	  Q.  What is the difference between "criteria" and "criterion"?

	  A.    These  often-confused  words  belong   to  a  family  that
     grammarians  call  "metronomes,"  meaning "words that have  the  same
     beginning  but lay eggs underwater." The simplest way  to  tell  them
     apart is to remember that "criteria" is used in the following type of
     sentence:  "When choosing a candidate for the United States Congress,
     the main criteria is, hair." Whereas "Criterion" is a kind of car.

	  Q.  What is the correct way to spell words?

	  A.   English spelling is unusual because our language is a  rich
     verbal  tapestry  woven  together from the tongues of the Greeks, the
     Latins, the  Angles,  the  Klaxtons,  the Celtics, the 76ers and many
     other ancient peoples,  all  of  whom  had  severe drinking problems.
     Look at the spelling  they  came  up  with  for  "colonel"  (which is
     actually pronounced "lieutenant");  or  "hors  d'oeuvres"  or  "Cyndi
     Lauper." It is no wonder that young people today have so much trouble
     learning to spell:  "Study after study  shows  that young people have
     the intelligence of Brillo.  This is why  it's  so  important that we
     old folks teach them the old reliable spelling rule  that  we learned
     as children, namely:  "I" before "C," Or when followed  by  "T," O'er
     the ramparts  we  watched,  Not  excluding  joint  taxpayers  filling
     singly.  EXCEPTION:  "Suzi's All-Nite E-Z Drive-Thru Donut Shoppe."

	  Q.  What the heck are "ramparts," anyway?

	  A.  They  are  parts  of a ram, and they were considered a great
     delicacy in those days.  People used to watch o'er them.

	  Q.  Do you speak French?

	  A.  French is very easy to speak.  The secret is, no matter what
     anybody says to you, you  answer, "You're wrong," but you say it with
     your tongue way back in the  gargle position and your lips pouted way
     out like you're sucking grits through a hose, so it sounds like this:
     "Urrroooonnnggg." Example:  FRENCH PERSON:  Ou est  la poisson de mon
     harmonica?        ("How    about   them  Toronto  Blue  Jays?")  YOU:
     Urrrooonnngggg.  FRENCH PERSON:  Quel un moron!  ("Good point!")

	  Q.   I  know  there's  a  difference  in  proper  usage  between
     "compared with" and "compared to," but I don't care.

	  A.  It depends on the context.

	  Q.  Please explain punctuation?

	  A.  It  would  be  "my pleasure." The main punctuation marks are
     the period, the coma,  the  colonel,  the  semicolonel, the probation
     mark, the catastrophe, the eclipse,  the Happy Face and the box where
     the person checks "yes" to receive  more  information.    You  should
     place these marks in your sentences at  regular intervals to indicate
     to your reader that some kind of punctuation  is occurring.  Consider
     these examples:

	  WRONG:  O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?    
          
          RIGHT:  O  Romeo!    Yo!    ROMEO!!   Wherethehellfore ART thou?
     Huh??  
     
          ROMEO:  I art down here!  Throw me the car keys!

	  Q.  Does anybody  besides total jerks ever use the phrase "as it
     were"?

	  A.  No.

	  Q.  What is the  correct  form  of  encouraging  "chatter"  that
     baseball infielders should yell to the pitcher?

	  A.  They should yell:   "Hum babe hum babe hum babe HUM BABE HUM
     BABE."

	  Q.  May they also yell:   "Shoot  that  ball  in  there shoot it
     shoot  it  SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT WAY TO SHOOT  BABE  GOOD  HOSE  ON  THAT
     SHOOTER"?

	  A.  They most certainly may.

	  Q.  What is the difference between "take" and "bring"?

	  A.  "Take" is a transitory verb that is  used in statements such
     as "He up and took off." "Bring" is a consumptive injunction and must
     be  used as follows:  "We brung some stewed ramparts to  Aunt  Vespa,
     but she was already dead so we ate them ourselfs."

	  Q.  What is President Bush's native language?

	  A.  He doesn't have one.

                                   *   *   *

          *TODAY'  LANGUAGE  TIP*:    A good way to impress people such as
     your boss  is  to  develop  a  "Power Vocabulary" by using big words.
     Consider this example:  YOU:  Good morning, Mr.  Johnson.  YOUR BOSS:
     Good morning, Ted.

          (Obviously you're not making  much  of an impression here.  Your
     name isn't even "Ted." Now  watch  the  difference  that  a couple of
     Power Vocabulary words can make:) YOU:    Good morning, Mr.  Johnson,
     you hemorrhoidal infrastructure.  YOUR BOSS:  What?

                                   *   *   *

          YOU GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON?

          We are not surprised.
