
                    Miami News That Could Just Bowl You Over
                                 by Dave Barry
    
     
          We  have  been busy as a beaver gathering news about  the  many 
       exciting  events leading up to the many even more exciting  events 
       leading  up to the potentially life-threateningly exciting  events 
       leading  up to the actual Super Bowl game, which, based  on  prior 
       performance, will pack all the thrills of a yeast infection.
 
          Here is an update of our ongoing stories ("The Official Ongoing 
       Stories of the Super Bowl"):
 
          Civil  Unrest  - Good news, here.  Incidents  of  rock-throwing 
       have  declined  sharply, thanks to the decision by police  to  ban 
       journalists  from the troubled area after the discovery that  most 
       of  the rocks were being thrown at journalists who had  gone  into 
       the troubled area to take pictures of people throwing rocks.
 
          Refugees  -  Also  good.  The refugees  are  being  assimilated 
       nicely  into south Florida.  Most of them have already learned  to 
       turn on their left-turn signals first thing in the morning.
 
          Rich  people and the media porking out on free food and  liquor 
       at lavish private parties thrown by large corporations for vaguely 
       defined  but  no  doubt 100 percent tax-deductible  reasons  -  We 
       regret  to  report that the situation here is  worsening  rapidly.  
       Miami  police  were forced to cordon off the buffet  area  of  the 
       downtown  Hyatt Hotel last night after several sporadic  incidents 
       of  sportswriters  spontaneously exploding, sending  fragments  of 
       partially  digested lobster hurtling in all directions.  At  great 
       personal  risk  to ourselves, we are continuing  to  monitor  this 
       story closely, and we will continue to bring you detailed  reports 
       until such time as we pass out.
 
          The "no-huddle" offense - This is a major controversy that  has 
       erupted  concerning the Cincinnati Bengals ("One of the Two  Offi-
       cial  Football  Teams of the Super Bowl").   Apparently  what  the 
       Bengals  sometimes do is, they run a play, and then,  right  away, 
       they run another play.  Whoa!  You talk about threatening the very 
       foundations  of the sport!  Because, of course, if a team is  per-
       mitted to just keep on committing uninterrupted acts of  football, 
       there is no opportunity for the television people to use the  Slo-
       Mo  Replay,  the Freeze Frame, the Device That Enables  the  Color 
       Analyst  to Draw Lines All Over the Screen So That a Play  Wherein 
       Basically  the Quarterback Fell Down Ends Up Looking More  Complex 
       than the Normandy Invasion, the View From The Blimp, the View from 
       the  Satellite,  the View from Mars ("The Official Planet  of  the 
       Super Bowl"), and all of the other technical innovations that give 
       you, the viewing fan, a chance to use the bathroom.
 
          Speaking  of  which, our final update item  concerns  the  very 
       important:
 
          Science  breakthrough  - Diet Coke, as you are well  aware,  is 
       "The  Official  Nutrition-Free Liquid Drinking  Substance  of  the 
       Super Bowl," a title that carries with it a large wad of prestige, 
       but  also  a  responsibility to the  viewing  public.   And  we're 
       pleased to report that Diet coke has met this responsibility.   In 
       a  media  information  packet massive enough to  be  suitable  for 
       announcing  a permanent cure for diabetes, Diet Coke has  revealed 
       that  it will be presenting, during the Super Bowl, A 3-D  commer-
       cial.  Yes!  I had to pinch myself!
 
          But  it's  not  a dream.  I saw a demonstration  in  the  press 
       center.   The TV picture looks perfectly normal, but then you  put 
       on  these  special glasses (which are available  wherever  special 
       glasses  are  available), and suddenly, as if by  magic,  all  the 
       people in the commercial are naked!
 
          Late  sports bulletin: On the same team as "Ickey" is  somebody 
       named "Boomer."  Police are urging everyone to remain calm.
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