                     Shedding light on those blinking VCRs
                by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist



          It's time  for  "Consumer Advice for Normal Humans," the popular
     feature that has been endorsed by top consumer authorities, including
     Ralph  Nader,  Consumer  Reports,    Mister   Rogers,  Gen.    Norman
     Schwarzkopf and Queen Elizabeths I  and  II,  because  it answers the
     questions  of real consumers, defined as  "consumers  who  frequently
     have to open 'child-proof'aspirin bottles with their teeth."

          We'll start with the most common consumer question, namely:

          Q.  Is there anything I can  do about the irritating light on my
     VCR that has been flashing "12:00" since the first term of the Reagan
     administration?

          A.    You have several options here.  Our  wife,  following  the
     recommendation  of  leading  electronics  experts, makes the light go
     away at  night  by  draping  a  standard  hand  towel  over  the VCR.
     However, a friend of ours named Hannah informs us that you can obtain
     more permanent results by  covering  the  light with a piece of black
     electrician's tape.

          Q.  What if I don't know any black electricians?

	  A.  You know what we mean, you silly goose.

          Q.  How come the  manufacturers  don't  put the light in back of
     the VCR, where you can't see  it?    Or  just  make  VCRs without the
     light?

          A.  Because then they would have  no way of constantly reminding
     you, the consumer, what a moron you are  for  not  remembering how to
     program your VCR.  In fact, the original plan  was  to have the light
     constantly  flash  the  words  "you  bonehead," but the manufacturers
     decided that this would be too obvious.

          Q.   The  government  should  require that every VCR instruction
     manual  has  to   have  a  section  entitled  "We're  Not  So  Bright
     Ourselves," which would consist  of  true  anecdotes involving stupid
     things that have been done  by VCR design engineers, like the time at
     the VCR Design Engineers Cookout when they hooked up the gas barbecue
     grill  incorrectly  and  were  lacerated  by a  hail  of  spare  ribs
     traveling at upward of 270 m.p.h.

          A.  Ha ha!  Serves them right.

          Q.  What should I do with the  47 pounds of videotapes I made of
     the PBS series on the Civil War?
           
          A.  This is a growing consumer problem.  Government analysts now
     estimate  that  76 percent of the nation's strategic videotape supply
     is being used to store the Civil War series, which nobody has time to
     watch all the way through for the same reason that nobody was able to
     watch  it  all  the way through the first time, namely that it lasted
     longer than  the  actual  Civil  War.  But of course, you can't erase
     this series, because  it's  Excellent Television that you Really Plan
     to Watch Some Day,  just  as  you  really plan to watch all the other
     vital  videotapes  you are carefully  saving  in  a  large  unlabeled
     dust-covered pile containing such video treasures  as  the  first  12
     minutes  of  the  1983  Recording  Industry All-Star  Salute  To  The
     Accordion,  or  the entire four-part 1986 National Geographic  nature
     special on Mollusks That Spit.  A friend of  ours named Paddy reports
     that  he tried to free himself from his Civil War  tapes  by  putting
     them in a grocery bag and "lending" them to a friend  named  Fred, in
     hopes  that  they    would  gradually  become  absorbed  into  Fred's
     vital-videotape pile.  But Fred saw what Paddy was up to and shrewdly
     returned the bag.  In  fact, Paddy suspects that the bag now contains
     more videotapes than when he lent  it,  and  possibly  some zucchini.
     This mass of tapes will probably be passed back and forth like a gift
     fruitcake  between  the two households for years to  come,  gradually
     increasing  in  size,  until eventually it has to travel  via  rental
     truck.

          Q.  What should a consumer look for in a rental truck?

          A.    It should look as though previous renters were  delivering
     calves on the seat.

          Q.  How can I be sure that my bank is a safe place for my money?

          A.  The  Associated American Banking Association recommends that
     you go to the  bank  personally  and  get  answers  to  the following
     questions:  Are there people  standing  around  wearing ski masks but
     not skiing?  Does the guard  have a gun?  Does he know how to use it?
     As a depositor, you have the legal  right  to  obtain a complimentary
     bank  calendar and see of the guard can  shoot  a  hole  through  the
     weekday of your choice from 10 paces.

          Q.  May he shoot through a legal holiday?

          A.  Don't be ridiculous.

          NEXT  WEEK'S   CONSUMER  TOPIC:    Our  long-distance  telephone
     options, and why we don't ever want to hear another word about them.
