                   THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE FOR '92
                                 by Dave Barry


          I know  what's  bothering  you, as a concerned American.  What's
     bothering you is  that  it's 1991 already, and *nobody is running for
     president.* It's eerie.   At  this  time  four  years  ago,  Iowa was
     already infested with presidential timbers  such as Bruce Babbitt and
     Pierre S.  "Pete" duPont IV  Exquire  Inc.    The average Iowa farmer
     could  not  take  a  step  without  bumping    into  several  leading
     presidential  contenders  demonstrating their concern for agriculture
     by lifting  small  pigs.   And yet today, four years later, nobody is
     actively campaigning out there.  (Not that the pigs are complaining.)

          Of course, George  Bush  has  been  busy,  what with the Persian
     Gulf, the economy, bonefishing,  etc.  And there is speculation about
     Mario Cuomo running.  But  there  has  always  been speculation about
     Mario Cuomo running.  A large portion of the Rosetta stone is devoted
     to ancient Egyptian speculation about Mario Cuomo  running.  You also
     hear talk about Sen.  Albert Gore, but  the  US  Constitution clearly
     states in Article III, Section 4, Row 8, Seat  5,  that the president
     cannot be somebody named "Albert."

          "Arnold, maybe," states the Constitution.  "But not Albert."

          Another possible  candidate,  Sen.   Bill Bradley, possesses the
     one quality that  thoughtful  American  voters  value  above all in a
     leader:  height.  Unfortunately, Sen.  Bradley also has, with all due
     respect, the charisma of gravel.    Hospitals  routinely use tapes of
     his speeches to sedate patients for  surgery.   Rep.  "Dick" Gephardt
     has no eyebrows and is, in the  words  of  a  recent  New  York Times
     editorial, "probably an alien being."

          Clearly, the nation has a Leadership Vacuum.  Well, where I come
     from, we have a saying:  "If you're not going to grab the bull by the
     horns while the iron is in the fire, then get  off  the  pot." (There
     are a lot of chemicals in the water where I come  from.)  And that is
     why  I  am  announcing  today that I am running for president of  the
     United States.

          (Wild sustained applause.)

          Thank you.  But before I accept your support and your large cash
     contributions, I  want  you  to  know  where  I  stand on the issues.
     Basically, as I  see  it,  there  are  two  major  issues facing this
     nation:  Domestic and  foreign.   Following are my positions on these
     issues as of 9:30 this morning.

          DOMESTIC  AFFAIRS:    I  would    eliminate  all  giant  federal
     departments - Transportation, Commerce, Interior, Exterior,  etc.   -
     and  replace  them with a single entity,  called  the  Department  of
     Louise.  This would consist of a woman  named Louise, selected on the
     basis  of  being  a  regular  taxpaying individual with children  and
     occasional  car  trouble  and  zero  experience  in  government.  The
     Department of  Louise  would  have  total veto pawer over everything.
     Before government officials  could  spend  any  money, they'd have to
     explain the reason to Louise and get her approval.

          "Louise," they'd say, "we  want  to take several billion dollars
     away from the taxpayers and  build a giant contraption in Texas so we
     can cause tiny invisible particles to whiz around and smash into each
     other and break into even *tinier* particles."

          And Louise would say: "No."

          Or  the  officials  would  say:   "Louise,  we  want  to  use  a
     half-million  taxpayer  dollars  to  restore  the  childhood home  of
     Lawrence Welk."

          And Louise would say: "No."

          Or  the  officials would say:  "Louise, we'd like  to  give  the
     Syrians  a couple million dollars to reward them for going  almost  a
     week without harboring a terrorist."

          And Louise would say: "No."

          Or the officials might say:  "Louise, we want to....."

          And Louise would say: "No."

          All  these  decisions  would  have  to be made before 5:30 p.m.,
     because Louise would be very strict about picking her kids up at  day
     care.

          FOREIGN AFFAIRS:   These would be handled via another new entity
     called The Department of  A  Couple  of  Guys Named Victor.  The idea
     here would be to prevent  situations  such  as  the  Panama invasion,
     where we send in the Army  to  get Manuel Noriega, and a whole lot of
     innocent  people  get  hurt, but *not* Manuel  Noriega.    *He*  gets
     lawyers and fax machines and a Fair Trial that will probably not take
     place during the current century.

          The Department of A Couple of Guys Named Victor would not handle
     things this way.  I'd just tell them, "Victors, I  have  this feeling
     that  something  unfortunate might happen to Manuel Noriega, you know
     what I mean?" And, mysteriously, something would.

          Or, instead  of  sending  hundreds of thousands of our people to
     fight hundreds of  thousands  of Iraqis all because of one scuzzball,
     I'd say:  "Victors,  it  would  not  depress  me  to hear that Saddam
     Hussein had some kind of unfortunately fatal accident in the shower."

          I realize there will be  critics  of  this program.  "What if he
     doesn't take showers?" they will say.    But these are mere technical
     details.  The important thing is that  I  have  a  platform, and next
     week I'm going to Iowa - well, technically I'll be flying *over* Iowa
     - as the first declared candidate, and if you  want  to  get  on  the
     bandwagon, now is the time, because there is a lot  of important work
     to be done, such as selecting the band for the Victory  Party.  Right
     now I am leaning toward Little Richard. 

    	  Also, I need to locate a small pig.
