
                                  SPACE SHOTS
                by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist


          Summer's almost  over,  and here at News Central we realize that
     many of you  have  been  too  busy  enjoying traditional warm-weather
     activities such as mayonnaise poisoning to keep up with the news.  So
     today we're going to review  the  summer's top stories, including the
     Death Turnip and of course the theft of valuable cattle gallstones in
     Towanda, Pa.

          But  first we want to share the  truly  exciting  news,  namely:
     We're  going to Mars.  Yes!  This  goal  was  announce  by  President
     George  Herbert  "Skywalker" Bush, who demonstrated the depth of  his
     commitment  to  it by standing in front of a flag  the  size  of  the
     Amazon basin.  Granted, the Mars mission won't be cheap - the cost is
     currently  estimated at $400 billion, not including reality - but the
     potential benefits  are  enormous.    For openers, we will earn, as a
     nation, more than  500  million  frequent-flier miles.  Also, we will
     learn many useful scientific things about a mysterious space neighbor
     that has fascinated human beings  ever  since the days when they were
     as dumb as suet.  For  example, when early astronomers first reported
     that  the planet's surface was crisscrossed with  lines  that  looked
     like giant canals, many people believed that Mars  was  inhabited  by
     intelligent  life;    whereas  we  now  know,  thanks  to    advanced
     telescopes,  that  these  "canals"  are  actually  nothing  more than
     railroad tracks.

          Nevertheless,  a   burning  passion  to  know  more  about  Mars
     continues to sear  the  bosoms of taxpayers everywhere.  And although
     the president did not  explain exactly how we're going to pay for the
     mission, he put it on  the "fast track" by placing it in the hands of
     Vice  President Dan Quayle, who is  clearly  ready  to  take  on  new
     responsibilities, having already mastered, after less than  a year in
     office, *two different kinds* of telephone (regular and  car).   Next
     stop, Outer Space!

          Speaking  of the American flag:  Another summer news  item  that
     you should be aware of is that the penalty for  flag-burning  is  now
     execution  without  trial.   This is the result of a much-needed  law
     passed by  Congress during an emergency all-night session following a
     widespread outbreak of  some  guy  burning  a  flag in 1984.  (Please
     note, however, that thanks  to  the  vigilant efforts of the National
     Rifle Association, you retain your  constitutional right to shoot the
     flag.)

          In another National Security item, we're  pleased  to report the
     successful  test-flight  of  the  Stealth  bomber, which  costs  $500
     million but is worth every single million because  it's  invisible to
     Soviet radar.  How is this possible?  It  is  built  by  the Soviets.
     That's  why  we  call it "Soviet radar." You can get  better  results
     squinting out the window.  

          Ha ha!  We're just kidding of course.  Soviet radar  works fine.
     The  *real* secret behind the *invisibility* of the Stealth bomber is
     - Don't  tell  anybody!  - *It's 17 inches long.* Next time they show
     it on the  evening news, press your head real close to the screen and
     you'll see that the  "pilot"  is  actually She-Ra, Princess of Power,
     from the He-Man collection of  action figures (bear in mind that this
     is classified information).  This tiny  size  will enable the Stealth
     to penetrate Soviet airspace, the only drawbacks  being  that (a) the
     plane's  total  munitions  payload  capability  is  a  single    M-80
     firecracker,  equivalent  in  force  to  one gazillionth of the  bomb
     dropped on Hiroshima;  and (b) the Stealth has proved  to  be  highly
     vulnerable to Air Force guard dogs, who keep running off with  it and
     getting  it all covered with tooth marks and spit.  Other than  that,
     it looks like another proven Pentagon winner.

          And speaking  of  enormous  sums  of  money,  there  was a major
     scandal this summer  at the US Department of Being Named After A Paul
     Newman Character (HUD) when  investigators  found  that  some  of the
     agency's multimillion-dollar budget had been  funneled to actual poor
     people, as opposed to consultants.  This is being straightened out.

          In other summer news items:

	  -Several  alert  readers  sent us an  Associated  Press  article
     concerning a man in London who was killed - we are not making this up
     - by a turnip thrown from a passing  car.  this will no doubt lead to
     a  renewed  push  for  mandatory  turnip registration, which will  of
     course be defeated by the National rifle Association.

	  -A meatpacking employee in Towanda, Pa., was accused of stealing
     2.2  pounds  of  cattle  gallstones valued at - get ready -  $20,000.
     This item, which we are also not making up, was in an article sent in
     by Nan Feist from the Williamsport Sun-Gazette (true headline:  "Area
     Man Accused Of Cow  Parts  Theft").    The  article  states  that cow
     gallstones are valued in the  Orient  as  an aphrodisiac.  Police are
     still trying to locate the missing stones, so if you have any idea as
     to their whereabouts, you can put us down for a pound and a half.
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