                    Low opinion women have of men is unfair
                                 by Dave Barry
    

	  Speaking on  behalf of all the guys in the world except possibly
     Phil Donahue, I  want  to  say  that I am really ticked off about the
     results of this recent  poll  of  women.  You probably read about it.
     The Roper Organization asked 3,000 women the following question:

	  ``Do you agree that the  average  man  today  is  a lazy selfish
     opinionated egotistical sex-crazed tub of crud who never thinks about
     anybody  but  himself  and  refuses  to  help  with  childrearing  or
     housework  and wants to go to bed with  practically  every  woman  he
     meets who is not legally his grandmother and tends  to  have the same
     annual output of natural gas as Montana?''

	  Eighty-seven  percent of the women agreed with this.  The  other
     13 percent noted that men also pick their noses at stoplights.

	  By  scientifically analyzing these results, we can conclude that
     women do  not  appear to have a high opinion of men.  This is unfair.
     Oh, sure, men in the past have displayed certain unfortunate behavior
     patterns that tended to  produce  unhappy  relationships, world wars,
     etc.  But today's man  is  different.    Today's  man knows that he's
     supposed to be a sensitive and  caring relationship partner, and he's
     making  radical  lifestyle changes such as sometimes  remembering  to
     remove the used tissue wads from his pockets  before  depositing  his
     pants on the floor to be picked up by the Laundry Fairy.

	  And so here we men are, making this kind  of  extreme sacrifice,
     and  WHAM,  the Roper Organization hits us with the fact  that  women
     still think we're jerks.  This really burns my briefs.   I  mean, I'd
     like you women to stop and think for a moment about what  this  world
     would  be like without men.  Think of the vast array of cultural  and
     scientific achievements you'd have to do without, including:

	1. Football.
	2. Professional football.
	3. Ear hair.
	4. Betting on football.

	  The list  just  goes  on  and  on.    And let's talk about men's
     alleged obsession with  sex.    Do  you women think that men are just
     ANIMALS?  Do you  really  think  that  all they want to do is get you
     into bed?  Wrong!   A lot of guys, especially in bars, would be happy
     to get you into a phone booth!  Or right there on the bar!  (``Nobody
     will notice us,'' the guy will say,  being suave.  ``They're watching
     `Wheel of Fortune.''')

	  But  that  doesn't  mean  ALL guys are like  that.    There  are
     countless examples of guys who think about things besides  sex.   The
     guys on the U.S.  Supreme Court, for example, think  about  important
     constitutional  issues,  as  is  shown by this transcript from recent
     court deliberations:

	  CHIEF JUSTICE  WILLIAM  H.  REHNQUIST:  Whoa!  Get a load of the
     torts on THAT plaintiff!

	  ASSOCIATE JUSTICE BYRON R.  WHITE:  (Dies.)

	  And I am  particularly  outraged  by  the charge that guys never
     help out around the  house.  I happen to be a guy, and often, when my
     wife goes away, I assume  Total Responsibility for the household, and
     my wife has such confidence in  me  that  she  will often wait for an
     entire half-hour before she calls:

        MY WIFE: Is everything OK?
	ME: Fine!
	MY WIFE: Is Robert OK?
	ME: Robert?
	MY WIFE: Our child.
	ME: Robert is here?

	  My wife likes to give me these  helpful  reminders  from time to
     time because once she went away for several  days,  and  when she got
     home, she determined that all Robert had eaten the  entire  time  was
     chocolate Easter-bunny heads.  But other than that, I am  very strong
     in the homemaking department, the kind of guy who, if he  gets  Cheez
     Whiz  on the sofa, will squirt some Windex on it without even  having
     to be told.

	  So  come  on, women.  Stop being so harsh on us guys, and  start
     seeing  past  our  macho  hairy    exteriors,   into  the  sensitive,
     thoughtful, and -- yes -- vulnerable  individuals  that  we  are deep
     down inside.  And while you're at it, fix us a sandwich.
