                             THOSE ALARMING ADDITIVES!  
      
    I suspect you are just like I was, before in-depth research enlightened me  
    and I discovered what I now am forced to share with you, namely a listing  
    of the more important hidden ingredients of the foodstuffs in which we all  
    share.  Under ordinary laboratory conditions, four out of six mice lost all  
    track of time and were forced to consult digital watches for time, after a  
    simple feeding of the usual snack foods.  Several frogs, force fed  
    convenience foods under microwave conditions, simply died.  The attendant  
    was unaware of the fact that they were not to be put in the microwave with  
    the product.    
      
    To obtain this non-exhaustive list, we sent plainly dressed consumers into  
    a variety of supermarkets to purchase a variety of repulsive muck and fuss  
    which is what others call junque food.  This is how we obtained the listing  
    which we share with you, which must make disturbing reading for anyone who  
    has or has had or does or will have a teen age person eating out now and  
    again or more so, or even less.    
      
    Great Grand Gunk Productions has prepared an Audio-Visual Slide  
    Presentation and also a Video Cassette Recording of the Findings of this   
    Listing, which may be rented, purchased, or leased, according to the  
    preference of the viewer, for appropriate sums, from proper offices, main  
    and branch.    
      
    KNOW WHAT YOU ARE EATING!!!  
      
    A l05 Collated Coconut Husk Hairs  
    A ll0 Emulsified Pig's Spleen Extract (Vanilla)  
    A ll3 Emulsified Pig's Spleen Extract (Gorgonzola Cheese and Onion Flavor)  
    A ll4 Artificially Reconglomerated Pig's Spleen Extract (Parmesan)  
    A ll5 Conglomerated Sheepshank and Swill Deluxe - Balanced  
    A l20 Permitted Gum  
    A l25 Another Permitted Gum  
    A l30 Yet Another Permitted Gum  
    A l35 Still Yet Another Permitted Gum  
    A l40 A Not So Much Permitted Gum and Sticky Residue  
    A l45 Complex Simple Intruding Gum Compounds and Sticky Residue  
    A l50 Circumcised Gumbo Artichoke Hearts Polyunsaturated in Juice  
    A l55 Artificial Circumspect ( A Synthetic Herb Composed of Mysterious Pits)  
    A l60 Butylate Orthophosphoric Benzoate (Crispy Bacon Bits)  
    A l65 Water Based Plumping Agent, Inert  
    A l66 Water Based Plumping Agent, Ert  
    A l67 Non-Water Based Plumping Agent, Experimental  
    A l70 Bovine Umbilical Sullage  
    A l75 Bifurcated Umbilical Sullage (Marshmallow)  
    A l77 Quintella Renderings of Umbilical Sullage ( Rash Malt)  
    A l80 Brilliant Red  
    A l8l Brilliant Green  
    A l83 Brilliant Yellow  
    A l84 Not So Intelligent Red  
    A l85 Rather Slow Green  
    A l86 Wondering Yellow  
    A l87 Sub-normal Red  
    A l88 Slow, Really Slow Green  
    A l89 Barely Discerned Yellow  
    A l90 Synthetic Bacterial Stiffener (Basic Soup Ingredient)  
    A l95 Homogenized Synthetic Bacterial Stiffener  
    A l98 Dehydrated Homogenic Synthetic Bacterial Stiffener Unconstituted  

   (2) WHAT YOU EAT IN JUNQUE FOODS -   
      
    A 200 Clotted Eel  
    A 205 Defoliated Eel Spines Gelatinized in Zola Flox  
    A 2l0 Clarified Puff Fish Liver Spume  
    A 2l5 Demythologized Intimidated Paraffin   
    A 220 Liquified Inert Substandard Insignificances  
    A 225 Uncracked Soviet Marine Diesel Residue ( Wild Strawberry)  
    A 230 Residual Air Pocket Remnants and Tofu Deposits  
    A 235 Menthol Slimp Oil and Rocket Projectile Particles  
    A 240 Dementholated Slimp Oil Redefined and Deprojected  
    A 245 Eucalyptus Nitrate Slivers  
    A 246 Eucalyptus Nitrate Slices  
    A 247 Eucalyptus Nitrate Globs  
    A 248 Eucalyptus Nitrate Case Lots Unrefined Globs  
    A 250 Reconstituted Artificial Simulated Gumbo Spores - No calories  
    A 255 Galactic N-5, Non-Radioactive Disodium Ribonucleotide Lactate  
    A 256 Galactic N-6, Non-Radioactive Disodium Ribonucleotide Lassitude  
    A 257 Galactic N-7, Neither of the Above Two Entries, Except Part of N-5  
    A 260 Polyputta-Katalon Demulsifier  
    A 26l Polyputta-Katalon Stuffer  
    A 263 Polyputta-Katalon Intensifier  
    A 264 Polyputta-Katalon Remover (Semi-Toxic)  
    A 265 Pork Fettisch Concentrate (Pelletized)  
    A 270 Unsubstantiated Corporeal Animal Compositions on a Stick (Broiled)  
    A 275 Polyputta-Hydroglicene Regurgitate Lotion  
    A 276 Polyputta-Hydroglicene Regurgitate Pellets  
    A 277 Polyputta-Hydroglicene Regurgitate Smooth and Creamy  
    A 278 Polyputta-Hydroglicene Regurgitate Rough and Lumpy  
    A 279 Polyputta-Hydroglicene Regurgitate Reconstituted Industrial Strength  
    A 280 Dilapidated Cocoa Cultures and Assorted Fungi   
    A 285 Carbonated Chicken Wastes (Syrup)  
    A 286 Carbonated Dehumidified Solidified Fermented Chicken Wastes ( Solids)  
    A 287 Uncomplicated Barbecued Chicken Wastes (Semi-Sauce)  
    A 288 Laminated Chicken Wastes In Lucite (Solids)  
    A 290 Hoof Sludge Glutamate With Preservative (Wild Onion and Curry)  
    A 29l Diabetic Hoof Sludge Glutamate With Preservative (Wild Onion Only)  
    A 292 Debilitated Resuscitated Hoof Sludge Glutamate (Italian Style)  
    A 295 Edible Sausage Case Linings in Sauce    
    A 297 Simulated Genuine Imitation Synthetic Reconstituted Chicken Parts  
    A 300 Prehistoric Muscle Tissue from a Very Tough Creature  
    A 305 Dark Rust  
    A 306 Darker Rust  
    A 307 Really Sickly Dark Rust  
    A 308 Totally Putrid Disgusting Uncolored Particles of Dryrot  
    A 3l0 Protoplasmic Tongue Lubricant  
    A 3l5 Simulated Slubbing Agent  
    A 3l6 Dissimulated Slubbing Agent  
    A 3l7 Liquified Hydrogenated Mulsified Fortified Slubbing Agent  
    A 3l8 Fortified Hyper-Hydrogenated Super Mulsified Slubbing Agent, Defortied  
    A 3l9 Particalized Reconstituted Recycled Slubbing Agent  (Farm Fresh)  
    A 320 Pulverized Deconstituted Encapsulated Slubbing Agent ( Non-Skid)  
    A 325 Nuclear Wastes Unclassified  
    A 330 Nuclear Wastes Classified  
    A 336 Elements of Toadstool from a Dysfunctioning Toad  
    A 338 Intimidated Elements of Toadstool   
    A 340 Benzine Rings and Uncertain Valve Parts in Mesh  
    A 345 Partially Reconstituted Linoleum  
    A 347 Yet Less Partially Reconstituted Linoleum and Vinyl Siding Parts  
    A 350 Musky Skunk Oil Coagulant - Industrial Strength - In Asbestos Vats  
    A 355 Islamic Prayer Rug Gleanings and Particles  
    A 360 Benxylated Onion Rings (Chocolate)  
    A 36l Benxylated Onion Rings and Parsley Sauce  
    A 362 Benxylated Onion Rings and Garlic Cloves in  SAE l0W40  
    A 365 Partially Smelted Chicken Parts Paste and Gravy Combination  
    A 366 Certain Ventricles  
    A 367 Unidentified Parts of Synthesized Chicken Artificially Reconstituted  
    A 368 Differentiated Custard and Sundry Flabors of Lutin  
    A 369 Laminated Pie Crust and Pre-Dried Sludge  
    A 370 Chef's Unmitigated Gall and Manifestations  
    A 375 Follicular Material from Waitress or Waiter   
    A 380 Monolithic Regurgitate (Gravy Substitute)  
    A 385 Certain Cretin Formulae In Concrete Manifest Expose (French Dip)  
    A 390 Suffocated Desiccated Formulations of Imitation Edibles  
    A 395 Sympathy (Foam)  
    A 397 Pity     (Crumbs in Paste)  
    A 400 Adulterated Goose Pimples  
    A 405 Catastrophic Gastro-Intestinal Dysfunction Lumpage and Sauce  
    A 4l0 Epicranial Slime and Grits  
    A 4l5 Castellated Ox Filaments  
    A 420 Disjointed Loss Agent  
    A 42l Disjointed Loss Agent, Concentrate  
    A 422 Disjointed Loss Agent, Spigot Lump Particles in Cellular Paste  
    A 423 Disjointed Loss Agent, Reactivated Circular Particulate Matter  
    A 424 Disjointed Loss Agent, Creme  
    A 425 Wombat Nail Remover Concentrate  
    A 430 Vulcanized Wombat Nail Remover Concentrate Dilution Solution  
    A 435 Differential Unsubstantiated Origin Materials Unspecified  
    A 440 Eviscerated Mammal Flavoring ( 3l varieties - specify!)  
    A 445 Impenetratable Ghee  
    A 450 Insufferable Curry and Loos  
    A 455 Unspeakable Ode de Phume de Skunk (Undomesticated)  
    A 460 Inedible Auricular Paste, Bovine and Equine, Concentrate  
    A 465 Fartious Nutmeg  
    A 467 Even More Fartious Nutmeg  
    A 468 Criminal Nurturing Fartious Hyper-Nutmeg  
    A 470 Unidentified Flying Critters in Solution  
    A 475 Portions of Structure in Gravy  
    A 480 Smoldering Simulations of Burnt Offerings to Foreign Gods  
    A 485 Agitated Dicalceous Diothorphosphate  (Spam)  
    A 490 Aged Yacht Varnish in Regression to Prime Condition  
    A 495 Artificial Ermal Parts, Reconstituted Hydraulically  
    A 496 Artificial Ermal Parts, Encapsulated in Musk Oil Sauce  
    A 497 Artificial Ermal Parts, Dehumidified and Desiccated by Crushing  
    A 498 Artificial Ermal Parts, and A 465.  
    A 500 Laminated Tofu  
    A 505 Vulcanized Crushed Sprouts of Fibrous Tissue  
    A 5l0 Zirconia Fibers and Bits in Sauce  
    A 5l5 Unliberated Gaseous Particles  
    A 520 Compressed Mosquito Lips  
    A 525 Adulterated Protoplasmic Slubbing Agents ( Burnt Butterscotch)  
    A 530 Partially Smelted Coagulants from Prehistoric Productivity Centers  
    A 535 Clarified Givaltafish Livers in Green Ooze Paste  
    A 540 Codified Hydrox Mush Meal in Salient Solution  
    A 545 Ethyl-lycopene Solvents in Granulated Pellets  
    A 550 Simulated Disjointment Paste in Coagulated Gelatin   
    A 555 Industrial Strength Bulker  
    A 556 Industrial Strength Bulker Concentrate  
    A 557 Industrial Strength Super Bulker   
    A 558 Industrial Strength Super Bulker Concentrate  
    A 559 Industrial Strength Super Hyper Bulker Concentrated Concentrate  
    A 601 Fortified Lab Scrapings In Heinous Sauce
    A 604 Genuine Imitation Enhanced Floxwart Seasonings, Emulsified
    A 607 Previously Bicarbonated Substances Reduced
    A 612 Deionized Air Filter Particles, Encubed
    A 615 Parafinated Gelatinized Waxy Flouted Rutabaga Mould
    A 618 Riboflavin, Enhanced and Reconstituted in Partial Solids
    A 619 Undifferentiated Partial Solids Enhanced by Riboflavin
    A 620 Partially Differentiated Quasi-Solids, Unreconstituted
        A 622 Safflower Tippets in Green Sauce - Partially Discolored
    A 623 Safflower Tippets in Green Sauce - Fully Discolored
    A 626 Emulsified Bacterial Fortifier and Fluff 
    A 629 Delactated Bovine Sluff, Powdered
    A 630 Delactated Bovine Sluff, Granulated
    A 635 Redefined Peppermint
    A 636 Unrefined Reconstituted Slubbing Agents in Syrup
    A 638 Dehydrated Refined Artificial Bear Grease in Lumpage
    A 640 Bilious Cabbage Leaves in Chocolate Sauce
    A 643 Non-Toxic Slippage Materials, Bulk Enhancers
    A 647 Funk's Famous Decarbonated Chalk Emulsifier Tablets
    A 648 Critical Vinegar
    A 649 Flossed Bivictual Satisfiers in Imitation Gravy Solution
    A 653 Concentrated Imitation Imitation - Accept No Substitutes
        A 655 Low Calorie Embalming Fluid
    A 657 Redirected Onion Flakes in Imitation Aqueous Solution, Partial

Equipped with this listing of materials, you must become aware of the many
combinations which can be employed to produce what looks like an ordinary 
meal in a fairly decent restaurant. Once having done this, of course, you
are now ready to open your own Emporium of Edibles and start serving what
the American public wants, fast food.  You will need a few tomato wedges 
and some parsley and perhaps a few other minor items, and it all comes out
hot - this is important.  People do not like to eat cold things when they
think they should be hot, so heat this stuff up and serve it quickly. Try
to satisfy, this is import.


Most of these items can be purchased in your local grocery store, although quite
honestly few grocery stores carry commercial quantity containers or sell in 
truckload lots.  When you buy pineapple chunks, you buy the same process as used
in the above lists, chunking.  It is just a matter of terms, very little else,
that allows the commercial distributor to sell these above listed items as 
greatly reduced rates.  

Please note that the above is only a partial listing of those items which can
be purchased.  For the entire list, you will need to purchase a catalogue, and
these are currently out of print, as they have been since some time back.  

__________________________________________________________________________
ANOTHER FEATURE - Not for those who quit since they didn't like the above!
__________________________________________________________________________

Please Note:

Real hindsight can show us very clearly what could have been easily prevented
by a little more foresight.

Captain of the Exxon Valdez to Third Mate: "I said SCOTCH on the rocks, not 
STOP on the rocks!"  The only thing that remained loaded on the Valdez was
the captain.  The whole affair gives an entirely new meaning to the packing 
of sardines in oil.  This tragic event has alerted people to wild life. The
bar on the Love Boat now shuts down at 8:30 PM.  When informed of this sorry
event, Vice President Dan Quayle said that we should let foreign countries
take care of their own problems.  Quayle was not allowed to go to Alaska and
view the damage, since no one could be found to go along to make sure his
pants were zipped, and he had his snow shoes on, and wore his cap.  

The tree of resentment often delivers the fruit of criticism to the listener.

No one is quite so rich that they can do without anyone else.

What this country needs is a good 23 hour deodorant, which would allow you at
least an hour a day to realize just what a stinker you really are!

While this accident in Alaska has shown the world that water and oil do not
mix, I wonder how many have gotten the real message - that alcohol and water
don't mix well, either?

If you think the person who inherited all that money is bad now, just imagine
what would have happened if the estate were larger than it actually was!

You knew it would have to come to this, I am sure, but Oliver North will only
eat one kind of breakfast food: Shredded Wheat!

If you want total success at failure, try pleasing everyone.

Ordinarily, two half truths beget total error, unless the Government tells then,
in which case they may well create chaos.

What we send into the lives of others usually manages to find its way into our own.

No matter how weird or absurd, if you whisper it, people will believe it.

During the last presidential campaign, Quayle should have said " Read my lips."
Everything he says falls on deaf ears anyway.

All things considered, Dan Quayle is doing a fine job as Vice President. He is the 
best eraser clapper the White House has ever had.

When you comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable, your chances of
going to heaven improve.

Forgive and forget, but don't tie up the watch dog just yet.  

Quayle Quote: "I'm no Jack Kennedy, and the old lady sure as blazes isn't
Jackie, either!"

Indifference is an apathetic form of passive hate.

One thing can be said without anyone questioning it, Yassir Arafat is not just
another pretty face.

Many people are going to hell on their "but's!"

Yesterday is a cancelled check. Today is ready cash, use it!

Everyone has their own talents, and if a cow gives milk, it need not fell sorry
or guilty that it does not play the violin.

It's Positively the Most Awful:
       A bus driver is going down the highway and hits a small little cute bunny
rabbit.  He stops the bus, runs back to see what can be done. The rabbit is flat
as possible, run over and dead.  The driver stands there in shock, unable even
to say a word.  Another driver stops, sees what happened, and offers his support
and sympathy to the bus driver.  
       A third driver comes up, sees what happened, and returns to his car, from which
he comes back with a syringe and needle, and injects the rabbit, whereupon the 
rabbit comes to live, waves at all three drivers, and takes off!  Over on the 
other side of the ditch, the rabbit stops, waves to the three men, and then goes
up the hill.  At the top of the hill, the rabbit once more stops, waves to the
three drivers, and then disappears.  The bus driver is, of course, speechless.
       Finally, one of the first two asks the third what he had in that syringe.
"Oh, it was nothing really, just leftover hair restorer and some permanent wave
lotion."  (With full apologies, sorry about this!)

The know the divorce rate is getting out of hand when the best man at the wedding
stands up not for a toast, but to start a pool!

Getting on is getting up each time you got down until you get in.  Get it?

Remember the Wright Brothers?  They were just plane folks.

Only an illiterate can clean out an attic!


There is a new product on the market for those who are fighting a losing battle
with roaches.  It's called "Instant Arson."

Our neighborhood is different. We did have a great neighborhood watch going on,
but she finally pulled down the shades.  Actually, the area is a little rough.
Our last beauty contest featured Miss Main Street, and featured a bullet proof 
vest category.  

Jimmy Swaggart was considering cremation, but God spoke to him and he no longer
entertains this idea.  God told him, "I'll take care of that when you get here."

I don't want much out of life, just the bare necessities.  A nice air conditioned
harem with meals served five times a day by the slaves....

You know you are in bad shape when people take one look at you and openly
speculate out loud about when death started advertising.

To err is human, to blame it on others is politics.

When you've seen one atomic war, you've seen them all.  

I don't want to sound like a pessimist, but it has come to my attention that 
if you call for a Pizza right after you called the police because your house
was robbed, the Domino Truck will get there first!

Let me level with you.  If the outflow of your outgo exceeds the income of your
input, than your upkeep will be your downfall unless you have some other angle
to work.

You know you don't look too well when you go to your 35 High School Reunion
Party and someone in the class asks you "Tell me, was it your sister who died?"

A very popular college coed was prone to let any man kiss her, yet no one knew
why.  Finally, another student asked her mother, during a parent visiting day,
and the mother said that once, her daughter slapped a young man who tried to
kiss her.  He was chewing tobacco at the time!

We are a nation of rugged individualists.  Daniel Boone, Charles Lindburgh,
Ross Perot, Henry Ford, Anne Oakley, Ameilia Erhardt, Sally Rand...and yet
the latest census bureau survey finds that 18 million American single adults
between the ages of 18 and 34 are living at home with mommy and daddy!

Know someone you really don't like?  Send them a fruit basket...from Chile!

Two mortuaries have closed recently, due to (oh, sorry about this, really I
am) the stiff competition!

This year, folks, the Ayatollah is 90 years of age.  I wonder what that is
in human years?

The Ronald Reagan Library is going to open and will need contributions, so 
if you happen to have anything pertaining to the Three Stooges, give till it
hurts!

Pete Rose is not obsessed with Gambling. Just ask his daughters, Quinella and
Exacta.

Pete is feeling fairly sure of himself, and believes he will beat the gambling
allegations.  In fact, he is giving 3 to 1 odds.

George Bush is glad the John Tower thing has quieted down a good bit. Now, he 
won't have to answer any of those silly questions about " a thousand points of
Bud light."

Slow drivers are the cholesterol of life clogging the arteries of America.

Oral Roberts is sure the end is near, but he has hired two extra people to work
on his listeners, to put him into their will!  

Washington, D.C., is the seat of government, and that is where most of the pain
is also located!

Zerro Speaks:

Ok, folks, this about ends the thing for this time around.  Zerro has done as
much as is going to be done in this installment.  Fun is fun and work is work,
and to go on with this now would be work, so let's quit!

The total purpose of Zerro is laughter, and success is all we ask!  Did you
laugh, at least a couple of times!  If you did, Zerro wins!  If you didn't,
stop sucking on those awful lemon rinds!  

Zerro is up on various bulletin boards, which is the only place you can find
this much of this kind of stuff in one place.  The EPA prevents dumping this
type of thing elsewhere, so what to do - put it up on the boards.

There are 20 installments to the current series, of which this is # 17 - this
is why it is called Zerro17 - original, yes?  If you collect all of these, you
will have entirely too much humor floating around to survive the whole batch
at one time, which is why it is broken into installments.  

You've got some stuff that Zerro really ought to have?  Well, then why not 
send it along.  Zerro will use anything within the limits which you can easily
understand simply by reading the material.  Good humor is clean humor, and 
Zerro uses clean humor, trying at the same time to see that it is good.

You can contribute, since Zerro steals, robs, copies, plagiarizes, originates,
enhances, purees, shuffles, generates, enriches and enlarges on what has gone
on elsewhere.  Sometimes it happens that something here is actually original!
So, if you want to send something along, no one is stopping you!

Send it to:                                                                       Resident Idiot - Scribe Zerro
                                                                                                                          Post Office Box 38
                                                                                                                          Buffalo, Illinois    625l5
Keep the installments in proper order, do not mix numbers on them, and please
do not add or alter the originals.  Thanks.  Zerro
Zerro17 Ends Here....Now!
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