THIS IS WHAT THEY SAY:

Either a good or a bad reputation gets there before you do, since it always
out runs the possessor.  It's nice, when you arrive, to have something good
there before you get there.  Reputation counts.  You work at it a good while
and can lose it quickly.  

Many people get the name of being witty, only to lose the name of being sensible.

A sense of duty is useful in work, but harmful in personal relations.

The greatest of all mistakes is to think that you have never made any mistakes.

All the world knows that poverty owns the person, whereas few stop to realize
that the wealthy seldom own their wealth so much as they are owned by it. So
many people falsely think of wealth as a state of bliss, whereas the truth is
that the joy comes from the imagination.  The fun comes from anticipation, not
realization.  The real joy in life is to have not so much as to be envied, but
not so little as to be damned.

True love is like talking about spirits, we are not sure what to look for, and
none of us has seen one.

A man who enters into marriage thinking he will educate his wife is guilty of
the same stupidity as a wife who enters into marriage thinking she will reform
her new husband.  Both of these folks are in for a lot of reform and a good
deal of education, but it may not be as helpful as they thought.

The angel on the street is often enough the devil of the household.

On Capital Punishment: Four out of five people who get it deserve it.
The next time someone says they are for capital punishment, think about this!

Whatever is not nailed down is mine, and whatever I can pry lose is not nailed
down.  

Nancy Reagan: "Say, Ron, didn't you call Ollie North a patriot?"
Ronald Reagan: "I don't remember."

Ollie North: "They convicted me on shredded evidence!"

Being a parent means knowing where the plunger is at all times.

I can remember when the doctor said that sleep was a good cure for whatever
it was that ailed us.  Now, we find that too much sleep is harmful.

Sign on Public Wall: Bill Posters Will be Prosecuted Vigorously!
Under sign, someone wrote: Bill Posters is innocent and lives in another state!

Humpty Dumpty......was pushed.  

There are plenty of UFO's, in Washington, D.C, today, right now!
UFO = Unprincipled Federal Officials.

Military Joke:

Two recent recruits were in boot camp. They overheard two mosquitoes talking,
both of which were large.  The first said to the second, "Shall we eat him here?"
And the Second responded, "Yeh, because if we take him home the big ones will
get him from us!"  (Sorry, this is all there is of this!)

Hollywood is one place where more parents than children run away from home.

Ad in college paper: "Will trade my knowlege in geomatry for toutering in
some outher subject."

In response to a tidal wave of mail (keep that postcard coming) here is a 
quiz with regard to the first 110 days of the George Bush administration:

   1. What has been the most Significant achievement of the Bush administration?
            a) that puppy thing
            b) Keeping our boys out of the Alaskan Spill War
            c) Making Calvin Collidge look like a dynamo by comparison
   2. What has been the most Significant failure of the Bush Administration?
            a) The John Tower Affair
            b) The Ollie North Affair
            c) The Dan Quayle Fiasco
   3. The real reason George Bush got elected was:
            a) He had more enthusiasm than Dukakis, who had died but did not have
                            the presence of mind to fall over.
            b) "None of the Above" was not a candidate and did not run for office
            c) He didn't pick Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker for Vice President
            d) The democrats were going to run a tombstone, but found someone even
                more lifeless.

It always gets darker, just before it gets completely dark.

The meek shall inherit the earth, with your permission.

Old soldiers never die, young ones do.

A New Employee:
The boss came in and said "I think you are the laziest person I have ever
encountered.  You are absolutely worthless.  All you do is take up space.!
Tell me one good thing about yourself, one way in which there is some benefit
in keeping you on the payroll?"  The employee responded, "When I go on vacation,
you don't have to hire someone to replace me."

It used to be said "As American as apple pie." Now, thanks to the NRA, we can
say "As American as an AK-47."

Every time you start something, you end something else.  Just be sure that what
you are doing is an improvement.

Contrary to popular opinion, liberty is not freedom so much as responsibility.
It takes a lot of work to keep liberty going.  

If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water.

You've got to stand up and live before you can sit down and write.

I went on a diet, cut out drinking, cut out smoking, cut out eating, cut out 
all my bad habits, and in fourteen days, I lost a full two weeks.

Middle age is that time when a man thinks that within a week or two, perhaps
even three, he will be as good as ever.

Man fools himself, prays for a long life, and fears old age.

No tree ever hit an automobile except in self-defense.

Confidence is what you had before you realized that you didn't have what you
thought you had and now you need.

As an author, the more sins you confess, the more books you sell.

There's a sucker born every minute. How long have you been around?

We are all bozos on the bus of life, lunatics every one, but there is a 
difference; the one who can analyze his own delusion is often called a
learned person, a philosopher.

Christmas comes, but once a year is enough!

Ours is a strange world, in which the vast majority do not know what it is they
want, but are willing to go through hell to get it, and once they've got it, 
they don't know what to do with it because it was supposed to make them happy
and didn't.

Generally, an expert is a person who can shower bucketfuls of utter confusion
on complete simplicity.

When one has tasted it, one knows instantly what the angels eat, and what the
angels eat is most certainly not what one has just tasted!

Knowledge is power, particularly if you know enough of it on the right people.

Gross exaggeration is at least 144 times as bad as ordinary exaggeration.

Each time that Americans hold another election, about the only thing they learn 
is that they did not learn much from the last election.

Don't bother to brag about your ancestors, since the records fail to show that
Adam and Eve were ever married!

If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you.  This is not to say that
the doctor will not apply effort, and in the end, you may die beyond your means.

A fanatic is one who puts twice as much effort toward his goal than anyone else,
and once having gotten started, forgets where it is that he was headed for with
all that effort.

A fool and his money can go places, especially if they meet the right travel agent.

Are you a man or a mouse?  Squeak Up!

How absolutely easy it is for a man to die rich, if that be his desire.
Simply by living is the most miserable conditions for the longest possible time,
and in the most miserly manner, it is indeed quite possible for the ordinary 
person to die rich.  Of course, you can't take it with you.  

Don't never join no organization that says it will accept you as a member,
because such an organization isn't worth joining anyway, so it ain't worth your
time to join the thing, cause they ain't got no standards whatsoever.

Husbands and wives who complain that they didn't get what they deserved, should
be congratulating themselves!

The man who thinks he is smarter than his wife is married to a very smart woman.

The man who gets busy as a bee may find that his honey is gone, if he is not
attentive to the hive.

The silliest of women can manage a clever man, but it takes something of a 
genius to manage a fool.

Two can live as cheaply as one, but that one will go into debt twice as fast.



RESPONDING TO DEMAND.....THAT AVALANCHE OF MAIL...WELL, THE POST CARD!

BRAT: A kid who behaves much better than your own children, but belongs to a
neighbor.

CHILD PSYCHOLOGY: That wonderful device employed by parents who are allowing
the child to have it's own way.

PAR: What a golf addict's children call their father.

PRAISING YOUR WIFE: Try it, although it will frighten her at first!

MISUNDERSTOOD HUSBAND: One whose wife really understands him.

MARITAL DIFFICULTIES: It's not the institution, its the personell.

ASIAN MARRIAGE:  In certain countries of Asia, a man does not know his wife
until he marries her. But then, why single out Asia?

SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE: One in which the couple has a prayer book, a check book,
and a cook book.

COMMON SENSE: That which would have prevented a great number of divorces by
having prevented a great number of marriages.  



THE BETTER SPOUSE: The better spouse is the spouse who is not trying to make
the other person better.

MOTHER: A woman whose life is disorganized around her children.

PUPPY LOVE: That which always evolves into a dog's life.

CHINESE PROVERB: No married household can hang out a sign reading "No problems
here."

CONSIDERATE HUSBAND: Always willing to purchase a new summer outfit for his
wife - a new rake and some seed packages.

TELEVISION: Proof positive that some people would much rather look at most
anything other than one another.

HOME: The place where the kids stay, while the automobile is being repaired.

CHILDREN: Young persons, most of whom would be on the right track if only the
parents provided the correct switching facilities.

HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so.

FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog.

PARENT: A person able to supply toilet paper from nowhere on instant demand.

DOCTOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all 
this happen.

MEALS: Those things which Mom and Dad eat, and which the kids inhale.

GROCER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.

TELEPHONE: A natural growth from a child's ear which comes about in late grade
school and subsides sometime during college.

BUBBLE GUM: The thing that Mom and Dad never touch, and which the kids exhale.

KITCHEN: A room the kids have discovered in their quest for snacks.

REPAIRMAN: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.

NEIGHBOR: A person very often quite willing to call the Orkin Man and sick him
on your children.

INSURANCE MAN: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.

STEREO SALES PERSON: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just 
watching all this happen.

PLUMBER: A person who comes to your home and asks you if you own it free and
clear, before he goes out to the truck to bring in tools.

PSYCHOLOGIST: A person with problem children at home who is going to charge
money to tell you how to raise yours.

PSYCHIATRIST: A person with even more problem children at home who will charge
you even more to tell you how to raise yours.

TRUANT OFFICER: A person in the employ of the school district who is forced to
come around and tell you a giant lie - the school wants the kid back!

RETAIL OUTLET CLERK:  A person who can tell you more about your children than
any parent really wants to hear.

DENTIST: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all 
this happen.

SCHOOL: A place where kids congregate to observe and discuss just how dumb
teachers really are.

SHOE SALESPERSON: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just 
watching all this happen.  

PROUD PARENTS: A man and woman, father and mother, who feel sure that the
retail outlet clerk is not talking about their child!

WATER METER READER: A person who keeps looking around your place, to see
where the circus is located, since you are obviously watering all the animals.

BATHROOM: A small room subject to continuous instantaneous disaster.

CLOSET: The very last place anyone thinks to look for any lost item.

ORTHODONTIST: A professional who, when approached, asks if you own your own
home free and clear, and then asks whether the grand-parents own their home
free and clear.  

SCOUT LEADER: Real proof positive that God still makes Saints!

SHOPPING MALL SECURITY AGENT: A person possessed of very obstinate conviction
that Retail Outlet Clerk is an absurd optimist.

CHAUFFEUR: An average Mother who must deliver five children to six places in 
ten minutes, during the rush hour, and then get home to cook supper before
anyone gets home.

CAR POOLING: A game whereby Mom plays Chauffeur only every so often, which allows
time for blood pressure to return to normal and strength to flow for next time.

CHILDREN'S BEDROOM: A place for which you had better have a fairly stiff excuse
if some health official visits.

GARAGE - An area said to have been built for a thing the size of a car which
now is taxed when you try to put the lawnmower away.  

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS: Those items recently found on an Easter Egg Hunt which
could not be found last November or December, and so you bought new ones, which
are now lost.  

SCHOOL PLAY: A socially recognized ritual which brings parents together in a
gym during the hottest of spring evenings, when the heater for the school 
mysteriously turns on and runs at full steam.  

SCHOOL PLAY STARLET OR STAR: Your own child, who portrays the deck of a sinking
ship.

BABYSITTER: A person old enough to know what to do, but not old enough to know
better.

BABYSITTER: A fairly small person who can eat more than a horde of locusts.

BABYSITTER: A person who gets paid for emptying your fridge, deep freeze,
kitchen cabinets, and who asks you for money to reimburse the Pizza delivery person.

LAUNDRY: A good place to look, if it is not to be found on the floor in the
children's bedroom.  

PETS: The chief cause of the neighbors remarks about why you do not take out
a zoo license.  

BACK YARD: An area seldom used and even by accident in fairly good order.

FRONT YARD: The area in which your kids and the neighborhood kids dig trenches
to play war.  The City sends an investigator to see if you are tampering with
the water meter.

MUDHOLE: See above, Front Yard.

DRIVEWAY: Where your teenage son parks the 1964 Renault Dauphine he is going
to restore, if the parts can be found....and they can't.

RENAULT DAUPHINE: The car unanimously voted the most ugly commercial product
ever produced by civilization in the entire history of humanity.  

TOW-TRUCK OPERATOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money selling 
that old Renault Dauphine to teenagers and having them park it on their drive,
until the parents revolt and order it towed away.  

GARBAGE COLLECTOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching
all this happen. 

GRANDPARENTS: People who think a Shopping Mall Security Officer is marked with
the sign of the beast, a fiend, a criminal or worse.

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES: What sweet little innocent girls sell that causes you to 
contact the Trust Officer at the Bank.

INVESTIGATOR: A Public Park Ranger on Special Assignment, who tells you that
your son CAN write, and does a fairly nice job of signing his name in spray
paint.  However, the statue is of Washington, not Bobby Thurston, and so you
owe the Park Board $ 250!

SCHOOL BUS SUPERVISOR: Another form of public servant who arrives to reinforce
the paint spray episode, and you learn how much it will cost to repaint those
buses!

POLICE OFFICER, JUVENILE DIVISION: Another public servant who arrives to inform
you that the Thurston Railroad Overpass now needs repainting, since this new
logo for the railroad was done in bad taste and is incorrect.

BREAD TRUCK DRIVER: Calls to ask if you are going to repaint the delivery truck,
or if the matter will have to go to court.  Does not deliver Thurston Bread!

ATTORNEY: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this
happen.  

JUDGE - JUVENILE COURT: Is happy to see that this matter is being handled in a
very expeditious manner and all damages are being paid for.  

SEASONED PARENT: One who has learned that, in the wrong hands, a can of spray
paint can easily cost over one thousand dollars!

NEWSPAPER REPORTER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching
all this happen.  Writes up detailed report, giving your home address and listing
all previous offenses of family, including the time Grandpa stole horse from 
undertaker.  

ATTORNEY (2): A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all 
this happen.  Informs you that there is nothing to be gained by going after
the newspaper reporter. Advice costs about half the price of spray paint.

EDITOR: Defends reporter and refuses to run ad about reporter in paper.

COFFEE SHOP: Location of final discussion and wisdom of whole affair.
Discussion ceases when you are present, takes up after you leave.

WEEKLY SHOPPER (Free): Owner refuses to run ad about Editor of Local Paper

TRAFFIC: Continuous stream of automotive congestion caused by readers of
local paper, seeing where the phantom painter actually lives.    

DOCTOR (2): A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all
this happen.  Gives you medication for recent high blood pressure. And some
light sleeping pills to help you get to sleep despite traffic in front of 
your home.  

PHARMACIST: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all 
this happen.  Gladly fills prescription for medication and offers liberal
free advice on what to do with budding artist.  

WRITER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this
happen and writing it up for publication.  Comes to interview you and ask
about chances of your cooperation.

RESPONSE: Never mind, you tell him, someone has already done that, but the
names have been changed, and there is no traffic!

FW/CR/89/JC


Zerro Speaks:

And life goes on at the funny farm as usual.  There is no telling what will
happen to the next family to hit this situation, but sure as life, there will
be a next family.  Just hope it isn't yours, for the second time around....

The hope of Zerro is that you enjoy, and laugh.  Laughter is the most serious
need in daily life.  If you can't laugh, you are already in trouble.  Try a
good laugh at yourself, and then you can laugh more readily at others.  The
whole purpose here is laughter, nothing else.  

If you want to make a contribution to all of this, be sure and do it!  You can,
you know, simply by writing to:

                                                                               Resident Idiot - Scribe Zerro
                                                                               Post Office Box 38
                                                                               Buffalo, Illinois    625l5

All Zerro material is written for enjoyment and should not, must not be sold
for commercial purposes or publication, without written permission.  Please
try to keep the installments of Zerro, this being # 18, in order, neither adding
to nor subtracting from these.  This allows for less confusion.  Of course, if
you read this type of material, already you are well on your way to complete
confusion.  

Zerro is written for electronic bulletin boards, and may be freely distributed
for wide readership.  There are no charges connected with this particular 
affair, other than the hope you enjoy. 

Your reactions to what you have read will be received with interest and will
be read, and possibly will receive a written response.  (Threat!)

Thanks for your cooperation....

Zerro18 ... Ends Here!
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