                              THE COMEDY OF ERRORS


           ACT III
................................................................................


           SCENE I:  Before the house of ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus.
.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

                     {Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus, DROMIO of Ephesus,
                      ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR.}

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
                     My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
                     Say that I linger'd with you at your shop
                     To see the making of her carcanet,
                     And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
                     But here's a villain that would face me down
                     He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
                     And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
                     And that I did deny my wife and house.
                     Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?      10

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
                     That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand
                          to show:
                     If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave
                          were ink,
                     Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  I think thou art an ass.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:                          Marry, so it doth appear
                     By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
                     I should kick, being kick'd; and, being at that pass,
                     You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  You're sad, Signior Balthazar:  pray God our cheer
                     May answer my good will and your good welcome here.     20

         BALTHAZAR:  I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your
                          welcome dear.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
                     A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.

         BALTHAZAR:  Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

         BALTHAZAR:  Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:
                     But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
                     Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
                     But, soft!  my door is lock'd.  Go bid them let us in.  30

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb,
                          idiot, patch!
                     Either get thee from the door, or sit down at
                          the hatch.
                     Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st
                          for such store,
                     When one is one too many?  Go, get thee from the door.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  What patch is made our porter?  My master stays in
                          the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  Let him walk from whence he came, lest he
                          catch cold on's feet.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Who talks within there?  ho, open the door!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  Right, sir; I'll tell you when, an you tell
                          me wherefore.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Wherefore?  for my dinner:  I have not dined to-day.    40

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  Nor to-day here you must not; come again
                          when you may.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  What art thou that keepest me out from the house
                          I owe?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  The porter for this time, sir, and my name
                          is Dromio.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  O villain!  thou hast stolen both mine office and
                          my name.
                     The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
                     If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,
                     Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy
                          name for an ass.

              LUCE:  [Within]  What a coil is there, Dromio?  who are those
                          at the gate?

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  Let my master in, Luce.

              LUCE:  [Within]  Faith, no; he comes too late;                 50
                     And so tell your master.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:                         O Lord, I must laugh!
                     Have at you with a proverb--Shall I set in my staff?

              LUCE:  [Within]  Have at you with another; that's--When?
                          can you tell?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  If thy name be call'd Luce--Luce, thou hast
                          answered him well.

        ANTIPHOLUS:  Do you hear, you minion?  you'll let us in, I hope?
       OF EPHESUS

              LUCE:  [Within]  I thought to have asked you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  And you said no.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  So, come, help:  well struck!  there was blow
                          for blow.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Thou baggage, let me in.

              LUCE:  [Within]  Can you tell for whose sake?                  60

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  Master, knock the door hard.

              LUCE:  [Within]  Let him knock till it ache.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

              LUCE:  [Within]  What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in
                          the town?

           ADRIANA:  [Within]  Who is that at the door that keeps all
                          this noise?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  By my troth, your town is troubled with
                          unruly boys.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Are you there, wife?  you might have come before.

           ADRIANA:  [Within]  Your wife, sir knave!  go get you from
                          the door.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  If you went in pain, master, this 'knave' would
                          go sore.

            ANGELO:  Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome:  we would
                          fain have either.                                  70

         BALTHAZAR:  In debating which was best, we shall part with
                          neither.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome
                          hither.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
                     Your cake there is warm within; you stand here in
                          the cold:
                     It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought
                          and sold.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Go fetch me something:  I'll break ope the gate.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  Break any breaking here, and I'll break your
                          knave's pate.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are
                          but wind,
                     Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not
                          behind.                                            80

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  It seems thou want'st breaking:  out upon
                          thee, hind!

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  Here's too much 'out upon thee!'  I pray thee,
                          let me in.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE:  [Within]  Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have
                          no fin.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Well, I'll break in:  go borrow me a crow.

 DROMIO OF EPHESUS:  A crow without feather?  Master, mean you so?
                     For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a
                          feather;
                     If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow
                          together.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

         BALTHAZAR:  Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!
                     Herein you war against your reputation                  90
                     And draw within the compass of suspect
                     The unviolated honour of your wife.
                     Once this,--your long experience of her wisdom,
                     Her sober virtue, years and modesty,
                     Plead on her part some cause to you unknown:
                     And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
                     Why at this time the doors are made against you.
                     Be ruled by me:  depart in patience,
                     And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
                     And about evening come yourself alone                  100
                     To know the reason of this strange restraint.
                     If by strong hand you offer to break in
                     Now in the stirring passage of the day,
                     A vulgar comment will be made of it,
                     And that supposed by the common rout
                     Against your yet ungalled estimation
                     That may with foul intrusion enter in
                     And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
                     For slander lives upon succession,
                     For ever housed where it gets possession.              110

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  You have prevailed:  I will depart in quiet,
                     And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
                     I know a wench of excellent discourse,
                     Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:
                     There will we dine.  This woman that I mean,
                     My wife--but, I protest, without desert--
                     Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:
                     To her will we to dinner.

                     [To Angelo]

                                             Get you home
                     And fetch the chain; by this I know 'tis made:         120
                     Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;
                     For there's the house:  that chain will I bestow--
                     Be it for nothing but to spite my wife--
                     Upon mine hostess there:  good sir, make haste.
                     Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
                     I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.

            ANGELO:  I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.

        ANTIPHOLUS
        OF EPHESUS:  Do so.  This jest shall cost me some expense.

                     [Exeunt.]

