Amusing text files on a variety of subjects

10SLEEP.ZIP The Ten Best Things to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk. 10. 'They told me at the blood bank this might happen.' 9. 'This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved abo
25MEN.ZIP 25 Facts About Men 1.Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2.Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought je
28SOUTH.ZIP 28 Tips For the Northerner Moving South 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or he
2MUCHTRK.ZIP Top ten signs you've watched too much Star Trek 10. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the green skinned Orion slave girl on episode number 7. 9. You pull the le
34ANNO~1.ZIP 34 different ways to annoy people 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17inch paper, 99copies. 2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see i
36STUPID.ZIP 36 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid 1. A few clowns short of a circus. 2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 4. A few beers
4MUSCLES.ZIP Words of Wisdom: Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to ext
4SURGE~1.ZIP Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.' 'I th
50MALL.ZIP 50 Fun Things to do in a Mall Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large powerful corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like sparrows in a jet tur
50TEAC~1.ZIP 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class - by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu 1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises. 2. After
50TOILET.ZIP **50 Fun Things To Do In A Public Toilet ** 1. Comment 'Pooh, who did that?' 2. Complement people on their shoes. 3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up
5DRUNK.ZIP Subject: 5 Stages of drunkenness Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass
5NEVER~1.ZIP 5 Things That Women Should Never Ask A Man There are five things that women should never, ever ask a man. The five questions are: 1 - 'What are you thinking?' 2 - 'Do you love me?'
80S.ZIP The 80's If you lived through the 80's, here's a list of things you should remember... FADS... - stirrup pants - your first pair of Guess jeans -
80SKID.ZIP YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN A BABY BOOMER AND A GEN X'ER IF... 1. You remember when Jordache jeans were cool. 2. In your fifth grade class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the c
5DRUNK.ZIP top 5NEVER~1.ZIP t
ABC.ZIP THE ALPHABET IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER Aitch El Oh Are Em Pea Ay En See
ABEJOHN.ZIP Think about this. . . Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846 John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946 Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860 John F. Kennedy w
AFTERENG.ZIP An Engineer in the Afterlife An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, 'Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.' So the
ALABAMA.ZIP STATE OF ALABAMA DRIVER LICENSE APPLICATION Last name: ________________ First name: (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) just pla
ALLNOAH.ZIP ALL I REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW, I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK 1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. 2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to
ALTGEEK.ZIP SUBJECT: Re: Geeks and....er....romance. Newsgroup: alt.geek Zach (zkessin@world.std.com) wrote: I was just wondering. What do you people, as Geeks, find (or do that is) roma
ANSMACH.ZIP Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers: Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I
AOL.ZIP Diary of an AOL User: july 18 - i just tried to connect to america online. ive heard it is the best online service i can get. i cant connect. i dont know what is wrong. july 19 - s
AOL2.ZIP [To the tune of 'American Pie'] A long, long, time ago I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines. And I knew if I had the chance They could make my modem dance with
AOLDISKS.ZIP 101 Uses for AOL Disks 1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife). 2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter. 3. Constru
APOLLO.ZIP When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind' statement but followed it by s
APWIRE.ZIP Atlanta, Ga. - A.P. Wire May 14, 1998 - Atlanta resident and Georgia Tech Student, Michael Slupsky arrested for grand theft. See below for details: An engineering student was walkin
ARABGENI.ZIP An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he h
ARCHRI~1.ZIP There's a guy from UGA driving from Athens to Atlanta, and a guy from Tech driving from Atlanta to Athens. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each ot
ASCIIBBS.ZIP Finally, something other than smiley faces... :) (o)(o) perfect breasts ( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts (*)(*) High nipple breasts (@)(@) Big nipple brea
ATNT.ZIP One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on on
BACKTHEN.ZIP From a Washington Post Report from Week 228, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days: Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford
BADCOM~1.ZIP So how can you tell you should have checked there first? Try these dead giveaways on for size: 1.The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube. 2.The logo on your receip
BAPTIST.ZIP I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, 'Stop! Don't do it!' 'Why shouldn't I' he said. I said, 'Well,
BARBIE.ZIP BARBIE Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't boug
BARMURPH.ZIP Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The o
BARNEY.ZIP A Barney Proof Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR Prove: Barney is satanic The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for printing, meaning the Roman representation woul
BART.ZIP I will not waste chalk I will not aim for the head I will not skateboard in the halls I will not barf unless I'm sick I will not burp in class I will not expose the ignorance of the
BATMAN.ZIP There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean REALLY REALLY drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he tumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on
BEERQU~1.ZIP Famous Beer Quotes You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very lea
BETHLE~1.ZIP Dateline: Bethlehem Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman,
BHDRES~1.ZIP A blonde walks into a beauty salon to get a hair cut with headphones on. The hairdresser asks her to take them off for the haircut and she replies 'I can't, I'll die.' She proceeds t
BILLGA~1.ZIP Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. 'Al, what do y
BILLY.ZIP The moral of the story One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the
BLNDREV.ZIP Finally ...REVENGE! Subject: Brunettes Well, the blondes finally got together and got back at the brunettes. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who'
BLONDE.ZIP A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. 'Where are you hurting?' asked the doctor. 'You have to help me, I hurt all over', said the woman. 'What do you mean, all over?'
BLONDE1.ZIP Blonde's Medical Dictionary Anal................................occuring yearly Artery..............................study of paintings Bacteria............................back door t
BLONDE~1.ZIP The Lawyer & The Blonde A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun gam
BOOKS.ZIP The Top 25 World's Shortest Books: 25. 'Things I wouldn't do for Money' by Dennis Rodman 24. Human Rights Advances in China 23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert 22. 'The B
BOSNIAN.ZIP Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools,
BOVINE.ZIP WORLD IDEOLOGIES EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in
BOYGIRL.ZIP BOYS A heart is not a play thing, a heart is not a toy. But if you want it broken, just give it to a boy. Boys, they like to play with things, to see what makes them run. But when it
BRAK.ZIP Brak's School Daze One time the teacher told us to rite a paper about the future. I says, 'Well, I don't know anything about that, it hasn't happened yet.' But you know I had to d
BRAKPAM.ZIP Pamela Anderson Lee V.I.P. HollywoOd, California Hey, Pamelama Ding Dong!!! Why did you haVe your plants removed? Boy, oh, boy - I think that was a BIG mistake! Your old buddy Brak s
BUMPER.ZIP FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS * Horn broken. Watch for finger. * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * All generalizations are false. * Cover me. I'm changing lane
BURNOUT.ZIP Top 22 sign that you are suffering from semester burnout 22: You hope for the Apocolypse because you just don't feel like doing your homework anymore. 21: You alphab
BUTTONS.ZIP These Should Be on Buttons 1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me M
CANDABC.ZIP It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates. Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists
CANDIES.ZIP TRUE STORY My work in Community Services requires that I visit seniors, who live on their own - just to make sure that they are able to look after themselves, and report back to t
CARLIN.ZIP George Carlin on The Environment Taken from 'George Carlin: Jammin' In New York' We're so self-important. So self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. 'Save the trees,
CAROLS.ZIP Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home F
CARTPHYS.ZIP The Cartoon Laws of Physics *Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pasture
CATHOL~1.ZIP A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, the dog is
CATPILL.ZIP Instructions for giving your cat a pill 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
CHAINS~1.ZIP Spoof on chain letters The four basic types of chain letters: Chain Letter Type 1: Make a wish!!!
CHNLTREV.ZIP Send this to pesky people who send you too many chain letters! ---- Please take the time to do this test, it's great and you will be really amazed at the results!!!! It only take
CHURCH.ZIP Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins 1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help. 2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. For thos
CIGARS.ZIP A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockp
CKEDYING.ZIP An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength
CLIGHT.ZIP College Lightbulb Jokes How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two---one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician. How many Brown students does it
CLINTON.ZIP Conservative Bumper Sticker Concepts -- VOTE DEMOCRAT or we will pull your file Ignore the Media...Think for yourself. STOP SOCIALISM.... IMPEACH CLINTON! I THINK, THEREFORE I VOTE R
CLOCKB~1.ZIP Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time o
COKEBURG.ZIP As a member of a Virtual Fighter Squadron, each of us needed to provide the group with a 'callsign' to identify each other. I've had a nickname since college that I used, and I was e
COLBIBLE.ZIP Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students 10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold. 9. The Ten Commandments are actually o
COLLEGE.ZIP College By Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think serious
COLLEGE2.ZIP YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN... * You consider McDonald's 'real food' * You actually like doing laundry at home * 4:00 AM is still early
COLLEG~1.ZIP College versus High School 1.In high school, you do homework. In college, you study. 2.No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an
COLORED.ZIP Dear white fella There are a Couple of things you should know When I'm born, I'm black When I grow up, I'm black When I go in the sun, I'm black When I'm cold, I'm black When I'm
COLSCHED.ZIP COLLEGE STUDENT DAILY SCHEDULE 6:45 roommate** gets phone call, stumbles about, wakes me 7:30 roommate's alarm 1, wakes me 7:45 (version 1)roommate stumbles out of bed to shower
COMPMF.ZIP Top 10 reasons computers are male 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring
COMPOEM.ZIP Remember when . . . Computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean And ram was the cousin of a goat Meg was the name of your girlf
CONAN.ZIP Snippets from Conan O'Brien's Monologues 'In a recent survey, 86 percent of college fraternity members admitted that they've had at least five drinks in a row. The other 14 percent
CONRON.ZIP CONFUSCIUS SAY 1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit. 2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth. 3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the
COWEST~1.ZIP The Best and Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are NOT made up. These are actual song titles....) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed Get Your Tongue Outta My M
CTHSRLZ.ZIP Rules for cats who have a house to run. I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is n
CTYRA.ZIP SUMMER EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES - RESIDENT ADVISORS ABOUT CTY SUMMER PROGRAMS The Center for Talented Youth (CTY) of The Johns Hopkins University provides academically talented stude
CTYSPECH.ZIP Michelle d'Amico August 6, 1994 Graduation Speech Forty-nine weeks a year I can't wait for CTY to start. And now it's the last day and we're packed up and our rooms look jus
DARKSIDE.ZIP Quotes from the Darkside Revision 1.4 collected by Lord Erlick Liqui Mundus I intend to live forever or die trying. Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular item. Initia
DARW99.ZIP 1999 Darwin Awards Here they are, 1999 annual Darwin Awards It's good to clean the gene pool.For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these aw
DARWIN97.ZIP The 1997 Darwin Award competition has announced its runners up and winners. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-mind
DARWIN_L.ZIP Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if there is such a thing. ******* A pre-med student from the Un
DATA95.ZIP What if Lt. Data Ran Windows 95? WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizont
DDNTSTRK.ZIP We Didn't Start the Series Several years ago, some local stations showed a comercial for TNG: (Sung to the tune of 'We Didn't Start the Fire' by Billy Joel) Jean Luc, Geordi's Sp
DIETIPS.ZIP DIET TIPS 1.If no one sees you eat it --- it has no calories. 2.If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out. 3.When eating with someone else, calories don
DJMATE.ZIP On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions
DKNOWD.ZIP Things you didn't know you didn't know A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. A snail can sleep for three years. All polar bears are left handed. American Airlines saved $40,000 in
DLBRTSAL.ZIP Subject: Dilbert's 'Salary Theorem' Dilbert's 'Salary Theorem' states that 'Engineers and scientists Can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.' This theorem c
DOCTORS.ZIP The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. Patient has ch
DOG.ZIP True story . . . It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscr
DOGMAW.ZIP REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: A dog's parents will never visit you. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a q
DOORSQ.ZIP SQUISH Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear
DORMITOR.ZIP The inventor of dormitories . . . let's find him, make him pay for the travesties he's visited on America's youth, and force him to listen to Matchbox 20. Can't you see him designin
DRAWL.ZIP How To Speak Southern by Steve Mitchell and Sam C. Rawls (Scrawls) (plus some random ones from emails I've gotten) Ah The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used
DRIVEXAM.ZIP DRIVING LICENSES GALORE The following are samples of REAL answers on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestr
DUMQUO~1.ZIP 'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuf
EBONICS.ZIP Big Daddy's Rap ( The Lord's Prayer in Ebonics) EBONICS ENGLISH Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, Our Father, who art in heaven You be chillin
EDEN.ZIP Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, 'What is wrong with you?' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said, 'I was going to gi
EFUNNY.ZIP EMAIL FACTS OF LIFE 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food compa
ELEVATOR.ZIP Fun Things To Do In An Elevator 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, all of you just shut UP!' 2. Whi
END.ZIP When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? ** USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE,
ENGINE~1.ZIP An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the 'craziest' thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roa
ENG_MATH.ZIP SUBJ: Comprehending Mathematicians -- Take One A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms. The chemi
ESTATEB.ZIP Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: 'You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this buil
ETCHSK~1.ZIP Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny lit
EVALS.ZIP The Best and Worst Course Evaluations 1. 'This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on faith.' 2. 'Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floo
EXAM.ZIP 36 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL IT ANYWAYS! 1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, 'Andre, Andre, I got the secret documents!!' 2. Talk
EXHAUS~1.ZIP The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and t
FINALE~1.ZIP Final Exam Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately. History: Describe the history of the Papacy from i
FINALS.ZIP Sung to the tune of Beauty and the Beast's 'Be our guest' Abbreviation glossary: P: Professors S1, S2, S3: Distinct students S: Students in unison TA: Teaching assistant P: Ma chere
FISHIN.ZIP Why Fishin' Is Better Than Making Love When you go fishin' and you catch somethin', that's good. If you're making love and you catch somethin', that's bad. Fish don't compare you t
FIVELESS.ZIP FIVE GREAT LESSONS: The Important Things Life Teaches You... 1 ~ Most Important Question During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscie
FLYJEDI.ZIP M. Scott has written a parody of TPM and 'Pretty Fly for a white guy'... combined. Check it out: Give it to me, Yoda! (Mmm-hmm! Mmm-hmm!) Give it to me, Yoda! (Mmm-hmm! Mmm-hmm!)
GCARL2.ZIP The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjo
GENESIS.ZIP The Online Book of Genesis IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown] (To justify God's ways to the 21st century.) In the beginning there was the computer. And God said :Let there be ligh
GENESIS2.ZIP Genesis... One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. 'I've got some good news and some bad news,' The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, 'Well, give me the good
GETTIN~1.ZIP You Know You're not a Kid Anymore When... You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You can live without *** but not without glasses. Your back goes out more t
GLADIMA.ZIP BATTLE OF THE SEXES!!! Men vs. Women I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfrie
GODINT.ZIP Subject: Interview With GOD Interview with GOD... I dreamed I had an interview with God. 'Come in', God said. 'So, you would like to interview me'. 'If you have the time', I said. G
GOODQU~1.ZIP Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. A day without sunshine is like. . . . night. Diplomacy is saying 'nice doggy' until you find a large rock. Change is i
GOTROOF.ZIP A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to
GROENING.ZIP WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening (creator of 'The Simpsons') HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chic
GULLABLE.ZIP A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists
GYN.ZIP A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought he decided that being an auto mechanic, som
HABITS.ZIP College Habits to Bring Home 1.Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door. 2.Have your mom scan your ID card for meals. 3.Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the ta
HAIKU.ZIP Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in haiku...they would read like these: A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it i
HBOOTS.ZIP The name of the student who wrote this article is unknown. HEAVY BOOTS About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineer
HICKLIST.ZIP YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...................... The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner t
HISTORY.ZIP The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a st
HOMEARLY.ZIP Subject: Home Early Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, t
HOMER.ZIP DO RE MI by Homer J. Simpson _------_ / \ | | | | *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!! | __ __) | / \/ \ DO...... the stu
HONEYM~1.ZIP A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his br
HONGKONG.ZIP Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong: 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
HORROR~1.ZIP A Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead. If you find that your house is built upon
HOWARD.ZIP Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd h
HOWSHWR.ZIP How to shower How to shower like a woman 1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning 'cause there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropp
HVNHELL.ZIP One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gate
IMPMAW.ZIP HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend
INFOHIGH.ZIP The info Highway... 'Think of the Internet as a highway.' There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the 'Information Superhighway.' They don't know didley about the net.
IRAN.ZIP A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Iran several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She ret
IRONIT.ZIP A friend at work told this joke, his boss (female) laughed, then made him fetch her coffee. During a long international flight the captain of the plane announced that they had l
IRONY.ZIP A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore-where a tree blew
ITALIANO.ZIP An Italian Story INSTRUCTIONS FOR READING: Read in an Italian accent I am an Italiano. One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress
IVELEA~1.ZIP Lessons I've Learned I've Learned .... ...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. ...that no matter how much I
JANEWAY.ZIP Reasons Why Captain Janeway Is Better Than Captain Picard 1.One word: hair 2.More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined. 3.Drinks coffee, not that sissy 'Ea
JOBHUNT.ZIP [Date Today] Dear [Interviewer's Name]: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
JOHNNY2.ZIP The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their r
JREDNECK.ZIP Jokes: You might be a Jedi redneck if... Daily Humor: Rednecks are not limited to Earth. They exist all across the galaxy, in many different forms. One example is Luke Skywalker, w
KIDS.ZIP Some Dumb Stuff Kids Have Said: 1. The future of 'I give' is 'I take.' 2. The parts of speech are lungs and air. 3. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. 4. A census taker
KIDS2.ZIP A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. As you shall make your be
KLNGNCOD.ZIP if Klingons Developed Software 10: This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor! 9: A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code! 8: By filing this bug report you have questi
KNOCKING.ZIP A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked sever
KWHAT.ZIP You Know What? This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he moti
LAWS.ZIP Immutable Laws 'The Law of Reality' Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose. The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
LAWYER~1.ZIP Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick falls off of you when you die. Q: Why does the law
LETTCL~1.ZIP Letterman's Top 10 Top Ten Questions Submitted By The Republicans 10. In 10,000 words or less, what is your definition of sex? 9. Seinfeld retired...Michael Jordan retired...can't
LIBERAL.ZIP You Might Be a Liberal If... By Chris Grawburg you've ever left your sociology class thinking, 'That professor really knows what he/she/it is talking about.' you associate the wor
MAKELIKE.ZIP Canonical List of 'Make like a *** and ***' make like... .Al Gore in his backyard and get lost. .an alligator and drag ass .an alligator and drag your ass out of here .an amoeba and
MANLIN~1.ZIP THE 'GUYNESS QUOTIENT' OK, all you guys out there, take this test to determine your 'Guyness' Quotient. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are th
MARRAIGE.ZIP Marraige: Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ord
MBRWNGS.ZIP The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol containers. Some of the suggestions are as follows: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may
MENPTS.ZIP Men's Point System For everyone out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes an
MERGERS.ZIP April 20, 1998 NEW YORK TIMES Ultimate Oneness By JAY JENNINGS NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to for
MICROS~1.ZIP Microsoft to buy the U.S. Government REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that i
MINDTR~1.ZIP Mind Trick Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge. Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructio
MINDTR~2.ZIP HOW SMART ARE YOU? READ this sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. Now count aloud the F's in that sentence.
MMJESUS.ZIP New, from Mattel...! [ANNOUNCER] New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures! With realistic healing and smiting action! [VOICE OVER] [child #1] 'Aaannggg... Oh no! G.I. Joe is hit... C
MNKNOW.ZIP THINGS MEN KNOW Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house. Men know that
MOREQU~1.ZIP More to think about... Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestone Hav
MOVIER~1.ZIP --Movie Rating Scale: G: The hero kisses the girl. PG: The hero gets the girl. R: The villain gets the girl.
MOVIES.ZIP -- Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies -- During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin
MPYTHON.ZIP The Four Yorkshiremen Eric Idle: Very fussable, isn't it? Very fussable. All: Right, all right. Graham Chapman: Good glass of Chateau de Chasselas, ain't just that, sire? Terry Jo
MSCARS.ZIP Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Business 10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size. 9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas. 8. The U.S. g
MUCHCO~1.ZIP You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When... - You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. - You ski uphill. - You get a speeding ticket ev
NAVAL.ZIP Odd transmissions Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95 Hail: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Reply: R
NERD.ZIP You Might Be a Nerd If... -- If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE. If you stop for a stop sign -- when you're on foot. If your wrist watch has more c
NETJUNKY.ZIP 23 Signs you're an Internet Junky 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tatoo that reads 'This body best v
NEVERSAY.ZIP The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say 1.I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker. 2.While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 3.I think hairy butts are really sexy. 4.Her tits
NORMAL.ZIP (Facts about us Americans. Did you know that...) Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. Men do 29% of laundry ea
NOTBRI~1.ZIP Not Very Bright People... At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it th
NPUSH.ZIP A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. 'I'm not getting out of bed at
NUCPIC~1.ZIP Nuclear Picnic by Dave Barry The Boston Globe Magazine June 25, 1995 Today's culinary topic is: how to light a charcoal fire. Everybody loves a backyard barbecue. For some reason
OFTHE80S.ZIP Children of the Eighties We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first 'lost generation,' not today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand- or
OJSIMP~1.ZIP The OJ Trial, Told Two Different Ways By Dr. Seuss I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her in the head. I did not know that she was dead.
ONFIRST.ZIP Who's On First (Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello) LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' names on the team so when I
OOAMMO.ZIP OUT OF AMMO An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. 'I've never been better!' he boasted. 'I've got an eighteen year old bride
OOPS.ZIP WORST ANALOGIES (TAKEN FROM HIGH SCHOOL PAPERS) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged t
PADRE.ZIP A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he
PANTS.ZIP Star wars...pants? * Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word 'Pants' for key words: ----- We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or
PAPER.ZIP How To Write A Paper 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain
PARACH~1.ZIP THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. *Pessimist:* you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.
PC.ZIP Politically Correct Terminology: Old new conservative reactionary conservative facist The Establishment
PCLOCK.ZIP Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the White House the President asked 'How would you lik
PERFECT.ZIP THE PERFECT STORY There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stor
PHARMA.ZIP A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 'Well,' he said, 'I've been see
PHICLASS.ZIP A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic: 'Has anyone in this class heard God?' Nobody
PHUSB.ZIP THE PERFECT HUSBAND A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE
PHWARN.ZIP Physics Product Warnings WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Product
PILLSB~1.ZIP Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder. A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with
PISSME~1.ZIP Things That Piss Me Off 1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals. 2. When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there ha
PMEMRIES.ZIP One Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a word, and he wanted them to sing the hymn they thought of when he said that word. The first word
POLISH.ZIP Polish Death A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom. While I was in there, thi
PONDER2.ZIP THINGS TO PONDER - Part II 1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 2. Why do they
POOH.ZIP POOH GOES APESHIT By A.A. Milne Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, ther
POPMOR~1.ZIP The Most Popular Oxymorons Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline food Almost exactly Alone together Black light Bricked-up window British fashion Business ethics Butt head California
PREGMEN.ZIP If Men Got Pregnant... Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay. There'd be a cure for stretch marks Natural childbirth would become obsolete Morning sickness woul
PREZ.ZIP Clinton Jokes * What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? o 'I'll be home in twenty minutes.' * What's President Clinton's definition of 'safe sex'? o Hillary's out of town. * What wa
PROGRS.ZIP Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work. 20. 'That's Weird...' 19. 'It's never done that before.' 18. 'It worked yesterday.' 17. 'How is that possible?' 16. 'It
PSAVINGS.ZIP PRESIDENTIAL SAVINGS PLAN When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, 'I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.' In all their 30 years of mar
PTHINKER.ZIP It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker
PUNCTBER.ZIP Dave Berry, on Punctuation Punctuation 'R Easy From the book 'Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up' It's time for another edition of 'ask mister language person,' the column that answer
QUIZ.ZIP Try your hand at the world's easiest quiz... 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month
RABBITT.ZIP The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a for
RAPPROG.ZIP How To Write a Rap / House(glorified disco) / Disco Song LYRICS: Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order to make one line. Repeat randomly f
REALLY~1.ZIP Really Stupid People * Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
REASON~1.ZIP A man sees a new neighbor moving in and talks to him: Man: 'Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.' Neighbor 1: 'Yes, it is and people around here seem e
REJ_SW~1.ZIP Rejected Star Wars Toys 'The First Partial List of Kenner Star Wars Toy Prototypes Which Failed Miserably.' By Micah Wright, copyright July 21, 1994 1. Luke in Bactine Tank: A favori
RGWGK.ZIP *Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew* 1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us 2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down. 3) Don't cut your hair
RNBUZZ.ZIP Redneck Buzz (This here is the Redneck's Guide to Computer Lingo) LOG ON Making the woodstove hotter LOG OFF Don't add no more wood MONITOR
ROOMMATE.ZIP Ways To Confuse Your Roommate: Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair
ROOSTER.ZIP One day this old rooster was wandering around the chicken yard attending to his duties when he suddenly noticed a strong, young, good-looking rooster come around the corner of the
S-H-I-T.ZIP Memo to all students. In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our progr
SALESMAN.ZIP Good Salesman A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss as
SAMJEDI.ZIP The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's Character 'Jedi Master Mace Windu' Say in the Star Wars Prequels. 10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause th
SANTA.ZIP Is There A Santa Claus? Here is the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus: 1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be
SCHIFFER.ZIP An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly, the
SEINFELD.ZIP Seinfeld-isms From the Washington Post: What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- 'Gosh, if we have a party there may not be
SEMINARS.ZIP SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males) 1. Elementary Map Reading 2. Crying and Law Enforcement 3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR 4. You CAN Go Shopping f
SEUSSB~1.ZIP Clinton's Deposition By Dr. Seuss STARR-I-ARE I'M HERE TO ASK AS YOU'LL SOON SEE... DID YOU GROPE MS. LEWINSKY? DID YOU GROPE HER IN YOUR HOUSE? DID YOU GROPE BENEATH HER BLOUSE I D
SEUSSREJ.ZIP REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS: 1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 3. Fox In Detox 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 5.
SEUSST~1.ZIP If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedl
SEUSST~2.ZIP If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation... By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get t
SFWOMAN.ZIP Sure-fire ways to know you're a Woman (aka SOMEONE just got dumped!) 1. You're a Bitch 2. When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you a
SHERIFF.ZIP Sheriff's Log ag3@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Rodney Mood) Purdue University Computing Center In a small midwestern town, nestled-up in the wee rolling hills of southern Indiana, there's
SHIT.ZIP Shit Happens TAOISM: Shit happens. CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says, 'Shit happens.' BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. ZEN BUDDHISM: Shit is, and is not. ZEN BUDDHISM: Wha
SHORTQ~1.ZIP During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of i
SHOTGUN.ZIP The Shotgun Rules version 1.1 The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding. Section I The Ba
SIGNS.ZIP REAL LIVE SIGNS At a Santa Fe gas station: 'We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.' In a New York restaurant: 'Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to s
SMLYER.ZIP THE SMARTEST MAN A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spi
SNTASTRS.ZIP One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves
SOOBLO~1.ZIP She was sooooooooo Blonde................. - she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it - she thought a quarterback was a refund - she tried
SPECOLYM.ZIP A very Special Story A few years ago at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At
SPICEG~1.ZIP The Top 15 Questions on the Spice Girl Job Application 15 In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this job. 14 Do you have any detectable vestige of tal
SSCREEN.ZIP A Commencement Address Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97: Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of su
STAGES.ZIP THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the
STARTREK.ZIP 20 Plots You'll Never See on Star Trek: The Next Generation 1.The Enterprise encounters a mysterious energy field, and they've seen it many times before. 2.The Enterprise successful
STATEM~1.ZIP Rejected state mottos - surprisingly more accurate than the current ones... Alaska: 3 billion mosquitoes Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing Cal
STATUES.ZIP Two statues For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. 'You've been such exemplary sta
STDRINK1.ZIP Star Trek: The Original Series Unofficial Drinking Game Sip if any of the following occur: Bones says 'He's dead, Jim.' Bones points out he's a doctor, not a ___________ Kirk gets th
STDRINK2.ZIP Star Trek: The Next Generation Unofficial Drinking Game Category: Condition : Number of Drinks General : 'Open hailing frequencies'
STFERE~1.ZIP The following are business rules based on the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition from Deep Space Nine (one of the Star Trek tv shows). Most make the translation directly. 1 Once you have
STLIFE.ZIP Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek ............................................................. Written by Scott Adams, published in 'The Dilbert Future' by HarperBusiness. Copyright
STLIGH~1.ZIP STAR TREK LIGHT BULB JOKES How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb? 'Aproximately One Point Zero Zero Zero Zero .......' How many BAJORANS does it take to change a ligh
STMICR~1.ZIP 'Star Trek, The Lost Episode' transcript. attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?' through our archives on lat
STNURSE.ZIP 'For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning' a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told
STORYT~1.ZIP A story by David Moser... This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second sente
STRESS.ZIP 25 Ways to Cope With Stress 1.Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time. 2.Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vic
STUPID.ZIP A collection of everything I have seen that relates some way or another to stupid people and computers... Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: 'Ridge Hall
STWESLEY.ZIP This story is understood best if you've ever watched 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' and have reluctantly suffered through the many exploits of the proclaimed kid-genius, Ensign We
ST_V_SW.ZIP Top Ten Reasons Star Trek is better than Star Wars 10) Q Continuum puts Vader on trial for Luke's back child support-- legal fees bankrupt The Empire 9) Klingons vs. Stormtroopers: N
SUICIDE.ZIP At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complica
SW.ZIP Steven Wright Jokes: I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You c
SWJUNKIE.ZIP YOU'RE NOT REALLY A STAR WARS JUNKIE UNTIL... 1) You have lightsaber duelled with cardboard tubes, rolled up periodicals or common garden vegetables. 2) When nobody else is around
SWMUSI~1.ZIP Songs that didn't quite make 'Star Wars': -- 'Luke' (to the tune of 'Lump' by The Presidents of the USA) Luke sat alone on Tatooine, Waiting for something to happen to him. Droids sh
SWTITAN.ZIP Reasons why Star Wars is better than Titanic-- Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titan
TAKING~1.ZIP *********************** * HOW TO TAKE NOTES * *********************** WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS: YOU WRITE: 'Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, w
TANDEM.ZIP Tandem Writing Story Remember the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University. E
TECHNONO.ZIP Top 20 Phone Tech Support No-No's 20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller. 19. 'Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?' 18. Proclaim your undying love. 17. Advise
TECHUSER.ZIP Tips for being a better computer user ...... 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed anima
TENURE.ZIP If any of you have had to contend with the bureaucratic heirarchy in a university, you will understand why God did not get his/her contract renewed during recent evaluations. WHY G
THANKEXU.ZIP THINGS TO DO THANKSGIVING DAY IF YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED EARLY 1. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner tabl
THECURVE.ZIP RUMINATIONS ON COLLEGE LIFE Issue #9 - Life After Freshman Year - 4/20/98 By Aaron Karo - University of Pennsylvania Circulation: 608 Direct Subscribers -Taking exams at school is ea
THROWUP.ZIP Twenty Reasons Throwing Up Is Better Than Dorm Food 1. After you throw up, you feel better. 2. You can throw up whenever you want. 3. When you throw up, you don't have to wait in li
TIRED.ZIP Why Am I so Tired? I am Tired, Yes, I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron- poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder
TITANIC.ZIP Many of you have seen the film 'Titanic,' which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some
TITANIC2.ZIP A Titanic Splash (Again) By DAVE BARRY I finally finished the script for the sequel to the movie Titanic. I am calling it -- and let the legal record show that I thought of this fi
TRAIN.ZIP One day a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, 'All you sons
TRANSL~1.ZIP WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what yo
TREES.ZIP An interesting alternative to your horoscope... Most of these are pretty nice, though, sorry Walnut Trees. (I can think of two Walnut people that I know and their listing is pretty
UANERD.ZIP SECTION 1: Education and Schooling 1.Have you ever majored in one the 'hard sciences'? (Engineering, Computer Science,Physics, Chemistry, etc.) 1pt 2.Have you ever asked a question
USELES~1.ZIP Trivia: On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. Canada is an I
USSMARSH.ZIP Regarding the story about the Kraft marshmallow dispenser: David Letterman does a sketch entitled 'Supermarket finds,' where his staff collects supermarket products and makes fun o
VALTIME.ZIP Time: ----- To realize the value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam. To realize the value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby. To r
VH1WHERE.ZIP This is the side-effect of watching too much VH1 lately. It's amazing and depressing how well the pattern holds. ***** Back in the decade, young fresh-faced name of artist had a s
VIEWBO~1.ZIP WHAT THE COLLEGE VIEWBOOKS DON'T TELL YOU (and what you said, 'yeah, right' to before you actually got here) 1. Quarters are like gold. 2. Be creative in the dining hall.
VIRUST~1.ZIP Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw your computer out. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer sho
WALMART.ZIP Fun things to do at Walmart! 1. Put M&M's on layaway. 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 3. Start playing Calvinball; see how
WANTADS.ZIP Subject: RE: WOMEN SEEKING MEN A List of Abbreviations in the 'WOMEN SEEKING MEN' Classifieds CODE WORD...............MEANS 40-ish..................48 Adventurer..............Has h
WEAKSTOM.ZIP INNER SKELETON A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus wh
WEDDIN~1.ZIP A Wedding Story to Remember Okay kids, here's the story that tops them all. If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story tha
WEDENT~1.ZIP The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter
WELFARE.ZIP The following are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but
WHALE.ZIP A Tale of Blubber or A True-Life Adventure from the Pacific Northwest The Farside comes to life in Oregon. I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on video
WHLOVIN.ZIP Sing the song below to the tune of 'Summer Lovin'' from the musical 'Grease'. Bill: 'Summer intern, had me a blast' Monica: 'White house intern, happened so fast' Bill: 'Met a girl,
WHY.ZIP Why ask Why?????? 1.If love is blind, Why is lingerie so popular? 2.Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? 3.Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you can't
WHYCROSS.ZIP Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
WINKING.ZIP A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, 'This is phenomenal. You've gradua
WINVIRUS.ZIP Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do: 1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, s
WLLYSPT.ZIP Tech Support... A friend of mine (Ian Lipsky) just bounced this to me after it had been circling his workplace for a while.... Warning: Any resemblance between this fictional piec
WO.ZIP HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in a
WOODEN.ZIP An excerpt from 'Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II', Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980): Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has
WORDFCK.ZIP NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND, BUT......ROTFF........ FUCK Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word 'fuck'. It is the one magical wor
XMAS.ZIP The Night Before Christmas: A Nocturnal Encounter Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period, preceding the annual Yuletide celebration and throughout our place of reside
YODATALK.ZIP Ever wonder if there are others of Yoda's race, and if they speak the same way? Oh, the horror. Imagine the yoda-men in the office, around the water cooler. Yoda 1: Hello, Bill